The latest documents released by WikiLeaks have revealed the desire of Sony and BBC Worldwide to make a Doctor Who movie. Not, exactly in the same league as allegations of CIA atrocities in Iraq, is it? WikiLeaks have published thousands of e-mails and documents which the website 'obtained' - from where, they don't say - following a widely publicised cyber-attack on Sony Pictures Entertainment last year. Included in the release are a number of discussions between Sony executives about working with BBC Worldwide to produce a Doctor Who movie. In an e-mail to Sony Pictures Entertainment chief executive Michael Lynton, sent in January 2014, Sony's president of international production Andrea Wong suggested that although the BBC were 'interested' in the project it was 'the wrong time to push it.' She said that she'd had discussions with Danny Cohen, the Director of BBC Television. 'Just spoke to Danny Cohen re Dr Who. He said that while there has been tremendous interest (and pressure from BBCWW) to do a Dr Who film, the showrunners feel very clear that they don't want to do one at this moment. That said, over the course of the coming months, the showrunning team is coming up with an eight year timeline for the brand – laying out all that will happen with it. He says that a film will certainly be a part of that timeline. So the answer is that a film won't happen in the next year to eighteen months, but it is expected that it will happen after that within the eight year horizon. He expects the plan to be laid out by the end of the year.' Lynton replied asking if it would help if he met the showrunners when he visited the UK in March, but Wong advised him against the meeting. 'Spoke to Danny and he doesn't think it makes sense right now and actually might hurt our cause. He said that the creative team on the show have been having the movie conversation with BBC Worldwide in recent weeks and are very hot under the collar that their position on it is not being listened to or accepted.' Neither Sony or the BBC have responded to the specific leak. Sony has strongly condemned the release of material by WikiLeaks saying 'We vehemently disagree with WikiLeaks' assertion that this material belongs in the public domain.' Quite how all this trivial tittle-tattle meets the WikiLeaks definition of what is, and isn't, 'in the public interest' is difficult to work out, since the majority of this is already public knowledge via Steven Moffat's most recent interview on the subject of any proposed Doctor Who movie and what criteria the BBC would need to have met for such a project to go ahead. Although having said that, the fact that the conversation suggests the BBC believe Doctor Who will still be up and running as a going concern in 2022 - as evidenced by this 'eight year plan' malarkey - is, undeniably, very interesting for Doctor Who fandom  - if not a anyone else - purely on an 'oh, that's good to know' level.
Code Of A Killer topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Monday. The John Simm-fronted drama brought in 4.55m for ITV at 9pm. Earlier, Wild Ireland brought in 2.83m at 8pm. On BBC1, MasterChef continued with 4.29m at 9pm. It followed Suicide In The Family, which was watched by 2.39m at 8.30pm. Meanwhile, the return of Game Of Thrones to Sky Atlantic brought in an impressive 1.52m at 9pm. The figure is Sky Atlantic's best overnight performance to date, marking the moment the one-time cult hit went truly mainstream. The eagerly anticipated fifth series opener of the HBO fantasy drama hit had a 6.7 per cent share of the audience. It was a huge audience for Sky Atlantic, forty three times its slot average over the last three months. Unusually for the pay-TV channel, it also put it ahead of two of the five mainstream channels, including BBC2, which had 1.3 million viewers for new documentary series Inside Harley Street and Channel Five's own US import, Gotham, watched by eight hundred and two thousand viewers viewers. Game Of Thrones had more than twice the six hundred and seventy five thousand viewers for the equivalent broadcast of the opening episode last year. However, the fourth series opener also had an early morning simulcast, giving it a total first day audience of 1.2 million. The consolidated audience for the first episode, which will include people who recorded it and watch it over the next seven days, is likely to top three million. With more than twice the audience of Sky Atlantic's most popular homegrown drama, Fortitude, which began with an overnight audience of more than seven hundred thousand and a consolidated rating of 1.7 million, Game Of Thrones was, easily, the most popular programme broadcast on Sky Atlantic to date. On BBC2, Collectaholics continued with 1.28m, before University Challenge interested 2.71m and Food & Drink gathered 1.62m at 8.30pm. Channel Four's Food Unwrapped interested nine hundred and eighty thousand at 8pm, while Travel Man: Forty Eight Hours In Iceland transported 1.28m at 8.30pm. Skint was seen by 1.38m at 9pm, while Caitlin Moran's Raised By Wolves continued with six hundred and fifty thousand punters at 10pm. On Channel Five, Police Interceptors attracted eight hundred and fifteen thousand at 8pm. Person Of Interest had an audience of six hundred and three thousand at 10pm.
Ordinary Lies continued to top the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Tuesday. The BBC1 drama's overnight audience was down marginally on the previous week, but still pulled in 4.43m at 9pm. Later, Millionaire Basement Wars averaged 2.19m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Collectaholics continued with 1.23m at 7pm, before Back In Time For Dinner interested 2.62m at 8pm and Britain's Favourite Foods - Are They Good For You? gathered 2.18m at 9pm. ITV's coverage of the Champions League tie between Atletico Madrid and Real Madrid - with the punching and the biting and the elbowing and the kids getting sparked an' aal sorts - averaged 2.97m between 7.30pm and 10pm. Channel Four's Burger Bar To Gourmet Star dropped to six hundred and thirty thousand at 8pm and One Born Every Minute drew an audience of 1.36m at 9pm. My Big Fat Asian Wedding was seen by 1.10m at 10pm. On Channel Five, Britain's Horror Homes was watched by nine hundred through punters at 8pm, while Can't Pay? Final Demand Special brought in 1.17m at 9pm. Two Thousand Tattoos, Forty Piercings And A Pickled Ear was watched by eight hundred and thirty three thousand at 10pm.
MasterChef was the most watched overnight programme outside of soaps on Wednesday. The BBC1 cooking competition continued with 4.87m at 9pm. Elsewhere, Evan Davis's interview with oily and rancid coward David Cameron gathered 1.17m at 7.30pm and Secret Britain averaged 3.75m at 9pm. The first episode of ITV's Give A Pet A Home was - every bit as risible, horrifying and diarrhoea-smeared as expected - and was seen by a satisfyingly low audience of 2.53m at 8pm, while the channel's crassly Spitting Image-like Newzoids debuted to 3.34m at 9pm. The Delivery Man was watched by 2.45m at 9.30pm. On BBC2, Collectaholics continued with 1.17m at 7pm, before The Ladykillers: Pest Detectives attracted nine hundred and forty thousand viewers at 8pm and Kill The Christians averaged nine hundred and thirty thousand at 9pm. A repeat of Qi followed with eight hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm, while Newsnight was broadcast to six hundred and forty thousand. Channel Four's The Island With Bear Grylls continued to perform well with 2.21m for its third episode at 9pm. First Dates continued with 1.23m at 10pm. Channel Five's Nightmare Neighbour Next Door was seen by 1.18m at 8pm.

The BBC Erection Debate coverage was the most watched overnight broadcast outside of soaps on Thursday. The David Dimbleby-chaired debate featuring five scum arguing why you should vote for them brought in 4.27m for BBC1 at 8pm, while the reaction show which followed averaged 3.53m at 9.30pm. And, the reaction was'what a right load of disgusting scummish scum, don't vote for any of them, it only gives them ideas.'Question Time ended a night of political programming with 2.66m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Collectaholics continued with 1.28m at 7pm, before Coast Australia was seen by 1.58m and churlish,bitter old Red Jimmy McGovern's miserable-as-a-bag-of-misery Banished concluded with 2.02m at 9pm. All of whom, presumably, slit their own wrists immediately afterwards. Inside Number Nine had an audience of nine hundred and twenty thousand viewers at 10pm. ITV's Tonight gathered but 1.72m at 7.30pm, before Double Decker Driving School averaged 2.18m at 8.30pm and Ice Rink On The Estate had an equally unimpressive 1.32m at 9pm. The Supervet continued with 1.86m on Channel Four at 8pm, while The Island With Bear Grylls brought in 2.32m at 9pm. On Channel Five, The Hotel Inspector appealed to 1.02m at 9pm and The Mentalist brought in six hundred and thirty two thousand for its latest episode at 10pm. E4's latest The Big Bang Theory was watched by nine hundred and thirty two thousand at 8.30pm. Mad Men's final season brought in a mere sixty thousand Gruniad Morning Star readers in the same timeslot for Sky Atlantic.

Highlight of the Erection Debate was, undoubtedly, a bit at the end which proved that a picture can, indeed, tell a thousand words.
Nigel No Mates's comments during the televised debate about money 'going over Hadrian's wall' (from England to Scotland) inspired many comments on social media, as voters in both countries rushed to point out to the UKiP leader that the World famous Roman monument is actually miles away from the border between the two countries - it's eighty miles away at its East end,close to Stately Telly Topping Manor - and that any money 'going over Hadrian's Wall' would, actually, land in Cumbria or Northumberland. Both of which are in England, Nigel. Y'daft Southern bell-end.
Speaking of the forthcoming erection, it never ceases to be funny when Rachel Riley has the task of spelling out a rude word on the Countdown board. This time it was a stiff eight-pointer.
Have I Got News For You was Friday's highest-rated overnight show outside of soaps. BBC1's topical panel show was seen by an average of 4.61 million overnight viewers at 9pm. The figure is slightly up on last week's 4.57 million figure. The ONE Show kicked off BBC1's evening with 3.17 million viewers at 7pm, followed by 2.95 million for A Question Of Sport at 7.30pm. MasterChef continued with 4.33 million at 8.30pm, while a repeat of Mrs Brown's Boys played to 2.94 million at 9.30pm. Featuring guests such as Carey Mulligan and Amanda Holden, The Graham Norton Show was watched by 2.91 million viewers at 10.35pm. Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis returned to a risible 2.41 million viewers on ITV at 8pm, while the second-episode-that-was-actually-the-first-episode of Slow Train Through Africa With Griff Rhys Jones (see below) was watched by 2.41 million at 9pm. On BBC2, Collectaholics finished with 1.10 million at 7pm, followed by 1.87 million for An Island Parish: Falklands and 1.92 million for Gardeners' World. Sex & The Church continued with six hundred and ninety thousand viewers at 9pm, while The Clare Balding Show could only attract six hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. Gogglebox continues to prove popular on Channel Four, with this week's episode drawing an average audience of 3.28 million at 9pm. It was sandwiched between Marvel's Agents of SHIELD with seven hundred and twenty thousand at 8pm and Alan Carr: Chatty Man with 1.17 million at 10pm. Channel Four's evening ended with Virtually Famous, which returned to three hundred and thirty thousand at 11.05pm. Secrets Of Great British Castles was seen by seven hundred and seventy eight thousand at 8pm on Channel Five, while a double-bill of NCIS: New Orleans and NCIS drew respective audiences of seven hundred and ninety eight thousand and nine hundred and twenty three thousand respectively.

In the latest episode of Have I Got News For You - presented by the virry Goddess on minxy terrificness that is Victoria Coren Mitchell - comedy line of the week came for good old reliable Paul Merton. 'One way to ruin both this programme andTop Gear would be for Ian [Hislop] and Jeremy Clarkson to swap places! What sort of car would Disraeli have driven?'
The divine Victoria her very self was, as usual on blisteringly outstanding form. 'According to the Green Party their tax on plastic bags will raise "perhaps one billion pounds." I like the word "perhaps!"'
ITV is 'investigating' why the wrong episode of Slow Train Through Africa With Griff Rhys Jones was broadcast on Friday last week. The show launched with its fourth episode, rather than the first. The series follows Griff's journey southwards from North Africa and - as usual, features the comedian and presenter talking very very fast in that odd uniquely Griff Rhys Jones-style (until, suddenly, he realises that he's talking too fast and deliberately slows down to a snails pace). But judging by the evidence of the first episode to be broadcast, watched by 2.4 million overnight punters, it appeared as though his journey had begun in Namibia. An ITV spokeswoman told Broadcast Now: 'The episode that played out last Friday did not correspond to the running order as billed and we're looking into how this happened.' Presumably, it was because some berk wasn't paying attention. Mind you, this is Griff Rhys Jones we're talking about, he does have the ability to put people to sleep if you're not careful. The series will now be broadcast in its original order, but with fourth episode left out. So, that won't be in the slightest bit confusing for any regular viewers it may still have by that stage.

Britain's Got Talent dominated primetime on Saturday night with an overnight audience of more than 9.5 million punters. The ITV talent show averaged 9.54m from 8pm. Ninja Warrior UK appealed to 3.54m in the 7pm hour and the wretched-as-a-lengthy-dose-on-diarrhoea-and-vomiting Play To The Whistle managed to throw away a near ten million lead-in being watched by a mere 2.54m from 9.15pm. BBC1's already-cancelled Atlantis continued with 2.58m from 8.25pm. The National Lottery Live was watched by 2.52m before the latest episode of Casualty had an audience of 4.21m. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat entertained 1.24m and a screening of Jane Eyre averaged 1.05m. On Channel Four, The World's Most Extreme Bridges was seen by eight hundred and thirty seven thousand in the 8pm hour. X-Men: First Class followed with an audience of 1.08m. Channel Five's latest episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigationwas watched by seven hundred and forty one thousand viewers from 10.10pm.

Countryfile topped the overnight ratings on Sunday. The long-running BBC1 series continued with 6.30m at 7pm, while Antiques Roadshow followed with 5.58m at 8pm. Poldark dipped slightly for its latest episode to 5.41m at 9pm. On BBC2, coverage of World Championship Snooker appealed to eight hundred and ten thousand at 7pm. Coast Australia interested nine hundred and seventy thousand at 8.15pm, while Hunters Of The South Seas gathered 1.45m at 9pm. ITV's Celebrity Squares was seen by a rotten 2.04m at 7.15pm, while a feature-length episode of Vera had 4.41m at 8pm. And, for a second week running, contained no obviously geographical errors. So, that was good. On Channel Four, Ice Age: Continental Drift brought in 1.57m at 6.45pm, while Philip Glenister's For the Love Of Cars averaged 1.48m at 8pm. Indian Summers reached its climax with eight hundred and thirty thousand punters at 9pm. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Stolen were Channel Five's Sunday evening movie selections, with the former bringing in seven hundred and seventy one thousand at 7.30pm and the latter having an audience of eight hundred and five thousand at 9pm. BBC3's showing of Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom topped the multichannel ratings with six hundred and ninety six thousand at 8.15pm.

And, lastly, in our weekly ratings round-up, here's the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Five programmes, week-ending Sunday 12 April 2015:-
1 Britain's Got Talent - Sat ITV - 10.63m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.10m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.41m
4 Cod Of A Killer - Mon ITV - 7.24m
5 Poldark - Sun BBC1 - 7.19m
6 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 7.09m
7 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.90m
8 MasterChef - Sun BBC1 - 5.79m
9 Ordinary Lies - Tues BBC1 - 5.60m
10 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 5.29m
11= Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.09m
11= Vera - Sun BBC1 - 5.09m*
13 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.86m
14 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 4.78m
15 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 4.67m
16 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 4.69m
17= The Truth About Medicine - Thurs BBC1 - 4.44m
17= Channel Four Racing: The Grand National - Sat C4 - 4.44m
19 Six O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 4.33m
20 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.30m
21 DCI Banks - Wed ITV - 4.25m*
22 The Boat Race - Sat BBC1 - 4.12m
23 Ninja Warrior - Sat ITV - 4.07m
24 Gogglebox - Fri C4 - 3.95m
25 The ONE Show - Tues BBC1 - 3.86m
These figures, as usual, do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. BBC2's most-watched programme of the week was Back In Time For Dinner (3.25m) followed by University Challenge (2.75m), churlish, bitter old misery-guts Red Jimmy McGovern's Banished (2.72m), the channel's coverage of the US Open Golf championship (2.46m), and Gardeners'World (2.04m). It was a top week for Channel Four with two programmes making it into the national top twenty five. Aside from The Grand National and Gogglebox, their highest-rated shows were The Island With Bear Grylls (2.67m) and One Born Every Minute (2.08m). ITV's much-trailer Play To The Whistle brought in a satisfactorily rotten 2.79 million. Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (1.61m) and Gotham (1.56m). E4's The Big Bang Theory was the mutichannels second most-watched programme of the week (1.58m), beaten only by Sky Sorts1's Live Ford Super Sunday (1.95m). Foyle's War was ITV3's most-watched show with nine hundred and fifteen thousand viewers. Inspector Montalbano was, again, BBC4's highest-rated programme (six hundred and eighty one thousand), with The Norman achieving an audience of five hundred and thirty four thousand. BBC3's weekly ratings list was topped by the movie Raiders Of The Lost Ark (nine hundred and twenty four thousand) in a top ten that also included four other Hollywood movies and three episodes of Family Guy. And then people wonder why the channel is about to be moved online to save money so that the BBC can make some shows that viewers actually want to watch. 5USA's The Mysteries Of Laura attracted five hundred and twenty five thousand, followed by Chicago PD (four hundred and forty one thousand). The Universal Channel's most-watched drama was Sleepy Hollow with one hundred and fifty seven thousand, followed by NCIS (one hundred and forty thousand). Elementary on Sky Living drew eight hundred and twenty one thousand, followed by Criminal Minds (seven hundred and sixty one thousand), Stalker (six hundred and seventy six thousand) and The Blacklist (five hundred and seventy nine thousand). Sky 1's The Flash brought in 1.13m. On Sky Atlantic, the latest episode of Fortitude attracted 1.06m punters. Dave is, of course, the only place on British telly that a chap - or a ladygirl for that matter - can, currently, watch Top Gear. Thus making it the greatest channel ... in the world. The highest-rated episode o the popular motoring show attracted three hundred and seventy four thousand Clarkson-starved viewers. Storage Hunters had three hundred and twenty thousand, Mock The Week two hundred and ninety seven thousand and Qi XL two hundred and eighty three thousand. Drama's Judge John Deed repeat was watched by four hundred and twenty thousand. Watch's Grimm had five hundred and forty one thousand. On FOX, the latest episode of NCIS season twelve drew seven hundred and thirty one thousand viewers. On Sky Sports News, Gillette Soccer Saturday had an audience of three hundred and sixty five thousand. On Yesterday, Pompeii: The Mystery Of The People Frozen In Time drew two hundred and twenty three thousand.

In other news, we've had a few nice days weather-wise in the UK this last week, dear blog reader. You might have noticed. Don't get too excited, though. That was the summer, that was.
Whinging professional Northerner Christopher Eccleston has whinged that working-class actors are finding it tougher than ever to make it in the industry. The former Doctor Who and Our Friends In The North actor was brought up in the horrific slums of Salford. He warned that British culture has become 'bland' because of the dominance of actors from more privileged backgrounds than what he had. Although he always had shoes. And meat once a week. 'I still feel insecure, like a lot of my working-class contemporaries,' Big Ecc complained. 'I had a sense acting wasn't for me because I'm not educated,' he told Radio Times magazine. Eccleston, who left Doctor Who after one series as the Time Lord in 2005, said: 'I was a skinny, awkward-looking bugger with an accent, as I still am. British society has always been based on inequality, particularly culturally. I've lived with it, but it's much more pronounced now, and it would be difficult for someone like me to come through.'He added: 'You can't blame Eddie Redmayne, Benedict Cumberbatch and others taking their opportunities but it will lead to a milky, anodyne culture. To an extent, that's already happened.' Eccleston, who is currently starring in the new ITV thriller Safe House, said: 'I confess I don't watch much film or television drama but I'm aware of the predominance of white, male roles. It's not just about the working class. There's not enough writing for women or people of colour. It frustrates me when they insist on doing all-male Shakespearean productions - a wonderful intellectual exercise, maybe, but it's outrageous because it's putting a lot of women out of work.' The actor, whose parents supported his ambition to become an actor, said that the 'Billy Elliot cliché is very offensive.' Eccleston previously said he left Doctor Who after one series because 'I didn't agree with the way things were being run, or like the culture that grew up around the series.' He said of the way he played the Time Lord: 'I wanted to move him away from RP for the first time because we shouldn't make a correlation between intellect and accent, although that still needs addressing. I hope I'll be remembered as one of The Doctors. I have no ill-feeling towards the character or the series. I don't watch it and am not keen to discuss it because I want this [interview] to be about Safe House. That's my mortgage.' Moving The Doctor away from RP for the first time? Chris has obviously never listened to his predecessor-but-one Sylvester McCoy too closely. Big Ecc was also asked about his one-series stint as The Doctor during a recent interview on BBC Radio 4's Loose Ends programme. 'I don't think it's important that I left - I think that it's important that I did it in the first place,' he said. 'I'm still there - I was in David Tennant, I was in Matt Smith, I was in Peter Capaldi. I'm always there in spirit.' Eccleston explained that he had originally volunteered himself for the role to Russell Davies because he 'wanted to try and learn a lighter way of being. I think I over-pitched the comedy,' he admitted. 'If I had my time again, I would do the comedy very differently - but I think where I did possibly succeed was in the tortured stuff - surprise surprise!' Eccleston explained that he had 'clashed' with 'three individuals at the very top of the pyramid' which ultimately led to his decision to leave. In an interview with the Daily Record, he went into greater detail about the circumstances of his departure from the series. 'I'd had enough,' he said. 'I wanted to do it my way, they wanted something else. We were never going to compromise so it was best to be straight about it and just go. It's very easy to stay in one job and make that your comfort zone, and I want to resist that temptation.'

Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch's opinion on these particular views is not, at this time, known. But, we can probably guess.
David Harewood has joined the cast of ITV's upcoming epic drama Beowulf. The Homeland actor will play the warrior Scorann in the channel's re-imagining of the classic Anglo Saxon saga. Harewood joins the previously announced Kieran Bew as Beowulf his very self, William Hurt as Hrothgar and Joanne Whalley as Rheda. Created by James Dormer, Tim Haines and Katie Newman, the thirteen-episode series is set in the mythical Shieldlands, a dangerous land populated by both humans and fantastical monsters. And their mums. Also starring in the project are Ed Speleers, David Ajala, Ian Puleston-Davies, Ellora Torchia, Gisli Orn Gardarsson, Susan Aderin, Kirsty Oswald, Laura Donnelly, Edward Hogg, Alex Price, Jack Rowan and Itoya Osagiede. Filming on Beowulfbegan last month in County Durham - another wild and mythical place as far as most people in the broadcasting industry are concerned. And, indeed, in another country as far as Nigel Farago is concerned.

Disney XD has signed a deal to broadcast episodes of Doctor Who in the US. The network will broadcast series two to four featuring national heartthrob David Tennant - another'skinny awkward-looking bugger' from North of Watford, Christopher - from May, Deadline reports. After Tennant's first episode as The Doctor is shown on 9 May, the series will continue on 13 June with eight episodes until 20 June.
The Musketeers creator Adrian Hodges has stepped down as showrunner ahead of the upcoming third series of the BBC's flop historical drama. Hodges adapted Alexandre Dumas's novel for BBC1, but revealed to the Geek Syndicate website that he will not return for the next run of episodes. 'I just felt that after the last season I was totally knackered,' he claimed. 'I love the show but it had been a very intensive four years really - and what I didn't want to do was go straight into developing a new season. I just didn't quite have the energy to do that.' The BBC was only able to recommission The Musketeers thanks to financial backing from BBC Worldwide and BBC America, who also contributed to the first two series as its woeful ratings in the UK certainly didn't justify another series. 'The Musketeers has delighted audiences at home and around the world and we're thrilled that we've been able to financially support bringing a third series to the BBC, with improved value for the licence fee payer,' a BBC Worldwide spokesman claimed, unconvincingly, back in February.
Prospective contestants on MasterChef have allegedly tried to expose themselves to host John Torode in the hope of getting onto the popular cooking competition, the restaurateur claimed to Alan Carr this week. 'I think a few people have tried to get their thrupennies out,' John said. 'This year there has been a couple who have danced around a bit and tried to look the part.' Quite why anyone would believe that whanging about their Cumberland sausage (or, indeed, their chipolata) in the MasterChef kitchen would make them a likely candidate for John's withering stare and Gregg Wallace's sarky comments is another matter entirely. There are, of course, undeniably some odd people out there in audienceland.

The divine Goddess that is Claire Goose and Matt Bardock have been cast in The Coroner. BBC1's new daytime drama stars Goose as a solicitor named Jane, who returns to her home town to take up the post of coroner. Soon, Jane finds herself investigating sudden, violent or unexplained deaths in the seaside town, and - together with Detective Sergeant Davey (Bardock) - attempts to solve cases in the name of justice. And, you know, stuff. The Coroner, produced and commissioned by BBC Birmingham Drama Village, begins filming earlier this month in Totnes. Goose, best known for Waking The Dead, said: "I am incredibly excited and proud to be working on this new drama. "I can't wait to be in Devon over the next few months. It's such a beautiful place, even more so at this time of the year."
Sky Atlantic has announced the UK start date for True Detective's second season. The HBO drama will arrive in this country just one day after its US première, being scheduled for Monday 22 June. Following the acclaimed Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson's story arc as troubled Louisiana detectives in season one - the best single drama on TV anywhere in the world in 2014 in this blogger's not in the slightest bit humble opinion - the crime drama returns with a fresh conceit and cast though, reportedly, 'based on a similar theme.' Colin Farrell, Taylor Kitsch, Vince Vaughn and Rachel McAdams lead the new season of True Detective, as it explores corruption amongst California law enforcement. A trailer for the forthcoming series has recently been doing the rounds. Which despite this blogger's scepticism that it couldn't possibly be as ground-breaking and tool stiffeningly stunning as the first series - actually looks really good.Don't you just hate it when that happens.
Amanda Holden has denied claims - albeit, claims by no one you'd trust as far as you could comfortably spit - that her nipples have been insured for two million smackers. And neither, apparently, have her brain cells, although she has roughly the same number of those as she has nipples. Of course, the chances of Amanda losing her nipples in, say, an industrial accident of some description are considerably less than the chances of her brains leaking out of her ear if she leans over to one side.
Although, if Amanda were to lose her nipples in some form on industrial accident, that would definitely be a case of Injury Lawyers For U, insured or not. Or, she could just get Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads to kiss it better. And the same goes for her brains for that matter.
Have I Got News For You's executive producer has explained that Jezza Clarkson will host the show 'when he's ready.' The presenter had been booked to appear on the BBC panel show next week - in what would have been his first television appearance since not having his contract renewed at Top Gear - but he pulled out of the scheduled appearance last week. Executive producer of the long-running comedy news quiz Richard Wilson (I don't believe it) has told the Gruniad Morning Star that Clarkson - seen right during his days in The Jackson Five - chose not to appear because he didn't feel the time was right. 'People pull out of the show quite frequently,' Wilson said. 'We do get people who are booked but can't do it. He's pulled out in the past because of filming commitments but he just doesn't feel the time's right to do it. I think there was a big flurry of press about him doing it because the billings went out to listings. I don't know if there was an official announcement saying he was doing it, but we just have to move on. We'll have him back when he's ready.'

And, in another non-story story run by the Gruniad - who don't seem able to get through a day without shoehorning nice, comfortable Middle Class hate figure Jezza Clarkson into their shitty rag - the second series of the BBC mockumentary W1A has 'hit the televisual nail on the head once again' with its opening episode featuring a controversial incident involving Jeremy Clarkson and the word 'tosser.' Writer John Morton came up with the plot a year ago, the Gruniad claim in a particularly sneering article atypical of their Clarkson coverage which, one imagines, goes down well with the hippy Communists in North London who read their rotten, squatting-on-every-fence newspaper - in which the BBC’s beleaguered head of values, Ian Fletcher (Hugh Bonneville) has to deal with Jezza hitting the headlines over his extensive use of the epithet in the hit BBC2 series Top Gear. As a result, the show features a BBC 'damage limitation meeting' during which the narrator, national heartthrob David Tennant, says, 'traditionally the first item on the agenda is Clarkson.'W1A's hapless intern, Will, has to watch four years' worth of Top Gear in order to count up the number of times Clarkson has said the word 'tosser' to see if it has 'breached guidelines.' However, as a reaction to the exit of Clarkson from Top Gear– which Morton snitched to the Gruniad took place on the very day that the W1A episode was being edited – the former Top Gear host's face had been pixellated from footage of the motoring show that Will watches and his name bleeped out. Morton said three changes were made following Jezza's departure from the the show. As well as the pixellation and bleeping, a line was added in which Tennant says, 'since the making of this documentary, certain events have happened as a result of which for technical reasons means we are unable to mention certain individuals by name.' Not something that the Gruniad has any problem with, seemingly, since they enjoy mentioning Clarkson on a daily basis. Morton explained: 'I wrote this episode back in July or August last year. The only thing we did [when editing] was to add one voiceover and bleep Clarkson, but not Jeremy, ridiculously, and clumsily pixellate his face. We hopefully made a couple of little jokes out of it. We weren't asked to make any changes at all [by the BBC]. The Clarkson thing is quite a minor strand. It was written six or seven months ago and all we did was a little tweak to acknowledge things that happened in the real world.' Morton has become renowned for his prescient writing in W1A. An episode of his Olympics comedy Twenty Twelve featured the Olympic countdown clock breaking, which then happened in real life. 'When you create a world that's in parallel to the real world you feel you sometimes get a feedback loop which you can't predict or control,' he said. The opening episode of W1A also features a Royal visit and the threat of the BBC losing the rights to Wimbledon - both potentially contentious issues for the real-life corporation. Morton said that he hoped the show, which returns to BBC2 on 23 April, would be 'ring-fenced' in the BBC's charter renewal, which takes place at the end of 2016 and which also runs as a theme throughout the programme. 'If W1A could become a little part of that conversation it could be interesting and funny,' he said. Yeah. Effing hilarious, mate. Glad you find the charter renewal so drop dead amusing.

The Conservative party has given its clearest signal yet that it aims to 'clamp down' on BBC finances in a manifesto that promises to freeze the licence fee ahead of charter renewal negotiations while continuing to 'top-slice' the annual charge to fund superfast broadband across the country. Just one more reason, if you actually needed one, not to vote for any Tory scum standing in your particular constituency, dear - British - blog reader. In a sign that the odious right-wing party believes suspected profligacy at the corporation could be a vote winner - with glakes - the manifesto promises the electorate that its negotiations with the corporation will 'save you money' as it will focus on providing 'value for money.' The BBC's Royal Charter - established in the 1920s - must be renewed by the end of 2016, leaving just nineteen months after an election for the 'comprehensive review' of the BBC's funding and structure. In a sign that there is still much to play for the details of the plans for the BBC adds 'pending charter renewal' to the promise to keep the licence fee frozen at £145.50 a year. So, in fact, the manifesto is simply confirming the status quo until the next charter period. The BBC has argued that further services will have to be cut if the licence fee continues to fall in real terms with BBC3 already earmarked for an online-only future in a bid to save money. The last charter renewal negotiations allowed one hundred and fifty million knicker for broadband roll out, money largely spent by BT. However, the manifesto appeared to offer support for the licence fee as the best way to fund the BBC.
Mishal Husain has been named broadcaster of the year at the London Press Club Awards. The host of BBC Radio 4's Today programme was nominated alongside colleagues Tulip Mazumdar and Alison Holt, as well as Channel Four's Matt Frei. Husain also presents BBC television bulletins, having joined Today in 2013. She has previously presented the Ten O'Clock News, Newsnight and Breakfast. She has reported from around the world including Pakistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, Cairo during the Egyptian revolution and China during the Beijing Olympics. 'It's wonderful and much deserved,' said the BBC's director of news James Harding.
There's a jolly fascinating piece in the Gruniad by Andy Hamilton and Robert Duncan on the creation and making of Channel Four's cult 1990s newsroom comedy Drop The Dead Donkey, a particular favourite of this blogger.
Midsomer Murders will return for an eighteenth series, it has been confirmed. ITV has commissioned six new feature-length episodes of the popular crime drama to be broadcast in 2016. Filming has already begun on the episodes, which will once again star Neil Dudgeon and Gwilym Lee. Manjinder Virk will join the cast as Doctor Kam Karimore, a pathologist who helps DCI Barnaby and DS Nelson in their investigations into the blood-soaked carnage of the small English rural town which has a crime rate greater than Baltimore. Executive Producer Jo Wright said: 'We are back for even more episodes next year thanks to ITV, which gives us the chance to explore more strange and entertaining tales of Midsomer life. And with a new pathologist who will cause DS Nelson trouble in more ways than one.'
On top of, rightly, getting criticised for messing up ITV's breakfast offerings, alienating Champions League viewers to the point where he, publicly, got his arse kicked into the gutter along with all the other turds and being the presenter chiefly responsible for Radio 5Live's current ratings slump, odious greed-bucket (and drag) Adrian Chiles has now been fingered for a long-ago celebrity interview fiasco. And the finger in question belong to his former joined-at-the-hip waste-of-space sofa partner horrorshow (and drag) The Curiously Orange Christine Bleakley (who on this evidence is no longer even on first name terms with her former Daybreak oppo). 'I remember on The ONE Show, Morrissey came on,' the wretched Bleakley grassed like a filthy Copper's Nark to the Radio Times. 'His mum was a big fan of ours. But Adrian Chiles called his mum by the wrong name and he was quite upset! It was a complete and utter disaster after that.' Many would argue The ONE Show under the rancid and rotten coupling of Chiles and Bleakley was a complete and utter disaster long before that. Admittedly, not as amusingly huge and towering a complete and utter disaster as the programme they both abandoned The ONE Show to front, Daybreak. From which,of course, the gruesome pair where notoriously, and very satisfyingly, sacked.
And, speaking of utterly useless ITV breakfast flops, Susanna Reid has grovellingly apologised to viewers who tuned into Good Morning Britain on Monday after one of its guests repeatedly swore live on-air. Although, to be fair, it must be almost impossible not to swear if you find yourself on Good Morning Britain dear blog reader. You know your life has really hit the bottom when that happens. Reid and guest host, oily twat Piers Morgan, were interviewing daredevil climber Alain Robert, who is known as 'the French Spiderman' (or, you know, L'Homme Araignée Français if you want to be slightly more accurate), on the ITV show when he dropped the F-word. Twice. The scallywag. Oily twat Morgan asked Robert, speaking via a video-link from Dubai: 'You've done one hundred big climbs now, skyscrapers. How many times have you thought "I might die here"? How many times have you thought "This might be the moment I fall"' Robert replied: 'Many times. But the thing is, as long as you're not falling ... It's just like a fucking warning, like you're nearly falling. I'm quite good at that, just saving my ass.' Oily twat Morgan said: 'You see, you are a nutcase, but a brilliant nutcase. This world is full of brilliant explorers over the centuries and you're one of those guys. It's mad to normal people like us, but to you, this is what you love doing, isn't it?' Robert said: 'I think if I wasn't doing that kind of stuff, life would be boring. I need to feel pretty much dead to feel like that I am fucking alive.' At which point a panicking Reid said: 'Okay. Slightly more frank language at this time in the morning than we're normally used to on Good Morning Britain so apologies for that.' Oily twat Morgan, who is standing in for regular presenter Ben Shephard for the week, said: 'Did he just use the ...? He did, didn't he?', to which Reid replied: 'Well, I think we’ll just gloss over that, apologies.'
Almost a year on since the one million quid plus launch of Good Morning Britain figures released this week show that ITV's latest breakfast flop has pulled in even fewer viewers than its much-maligned predeceasing flop, Daybreak. Which is, frankly - and to use some Alain Robert-style language at this point, fucking hilarious! And, despite high-profile signings such as Susanna Reid from the BBC, GMB is still being regularly having its ass caned red raw by rival BBC Breakfast just as Daybreak was. The ITV show has averaged about five hundred and sixty thousand viewers since it launched last April, compared with a little more than six hundred thousand for Daybreak during the same time period the previous year. In comparison BBC1's Breakfast pulls in around 1.5 million on weekdays, even though some predicted it would suffer when it moved from the capital to Salford three years ago. Although ITV originally said GMB would 'break new ground' by 'being more news-focused', and comparisons with Good Morning America were made, the show appears to have moved back into what one industry expert called, 'the GMTV-comfort zone.' Originally launching with four presenters around a desk and seven hundred and ninety thousand viewers, increasingly it has reverted to type by focusing more on two presenters and simpering,bland interviews on the sofa. Alleged 'sources' allegedly told the Gruniad Morning Star - tragically, that isn't alleged, it does exists - that despite executives visiting the US to study the success of Good Morning America, GMB has 'become more like the old GMTV' in a bid to recapture the axed breakfast brand's heyday. Perhaps it is no surprise as the editor and top executives running and in overseeing the show are all former GMTV staff and just six of the nineteen key on-screen presenters, editors and reporters are non-GMTV veterans. At the time it went off-air in 2009 having been axed following damaging evidence that it had deceived viewers more than thirty five million quid's worth of phone-in competitions, GMTV had about a twenty four per cent audience share. In contrast, GMB has averaged just more than fifteen per cent in the year to the end of March, although the broadcasting landscape has changed a lot in six years with more people getting their morning news from social media. It is understood that ITV has said it will give GMB another year to give it more time to build, rather than go through another expensive relaunch. Poaching Reid – who is thought to earn about three hundred thousand smackers a year – did not come cheap, neither did the new set, graphics and branding. ITV also said that for the first quarter of 2015, ITV's breakfast show's ratings have been up year-on-year for the first time in ten years. A spokeswoman said: 'Ratings for the first quarter of 2015 show that Good Morning Britain is up compared to the same period last year and March saw our highest full month audience figures yet.'Which proves that there are lies, there are damned lies and there are ITV statements. She added: 'ITV is pleased with the show and confident about it going forward. It is here to stay.' One or two people even believed her. It has continued experimenting to boost ratings such as bringing in oily twat Piers Morgan while Ben Shephard is on leave, although overnight figures show audiences have remained broadly the same. However, oily twat Morgan's arrival brought some publicity to the show which has more often than not hit the headlines more over Reid's wardrobe malfunctions than the content of the show itself. Good Morning Britain is too big for ITV for it to fail. Despite lower audiences than BBC's Breakfast it continues to be lucrative for ITV with competitions and advertising bringing in key revenue. Accounts filed for ITV Breakfast Broadcasting Ltd, which include the hopeless and not even remotely missed Daybreak and Lorraine Kelly's series Lorraine, show that in the year to 31 December 2013 turnover – which comes mostly from television advertising revenue and money from interactive services – was sixty seven million knicker, while operating profit was eight million quid. The financials for 2012 and 2013 seem to show that no matter what the content is on-screen, or how many people watch it, advertisers have continued to book slots around the show, even when Daybreak, was going through its much-derided 'purple phase'.

Yer actual Peter Davison, who celebrated his sixty fourth birthday earlier this week, is currently appearing in London's West End in the revival of the musical Gypsy. Peter plays Herbie in the show, which is based upon the memoirs of the stripper Gypsy Rose Lee, and which is currently previewing at London's Savoy Theatre. The cast is led by BAFTA award winning actress Imelda Staunton who was asked to take on the role of Rose by the play's lyricist, Stephen Sondheim, after he saw Staunton's performance as Mrs Lovett in the 2012 production of Sweeney Todd.
And now,dear blog reader ... LPs we wish we had in our collection. Number Two:
Followed, inevitably, by number three:
You can put your hands up if you get bored with this joke, incidentally, dear blog reader.

Okay, you can all put your hands down now. Thanks.

Yer actual his very self was vexed on Thursday, dear blog reader. Pure dead hopping cross. Aal geet stroppy and discombobulated in his frothing anger. Verily, he had his mad reet up, so he did. The reason? Having dragged his sorry ass half way across Toon at the crack of dawn to do some swimming, he got there to find that the pool was shut because 'there's something wrong with the water.' Which, I think, is code for some inconsiderate twonk has just shat in the damn thing. Don't these people know this is the only form of exercise yer actual Keith Telly Topping gets? Anyone - and I mean anyone - who posts 'first world problem' to this will be 'instantly' killfiled, by the way. That is all.
This blogger is indebted to the divine Goddess that is Lisa Power for alerting me to the following Charity event, An Evening With John Hurt which will be taking place on 9 May in London (at The Tabernacle in Powis Square, specifically). Check out the website for further details and prices if you want to pop along.
In what is, perhaps, the least surprising media-related news of the year so far, Harry Hill's vile and wretched revamp of Stars In Their Eyes has reportedly been dropped by ITV after one series. Because it was shit and no one was watching it, basically. The show launched in January but struggled - hilariously - in the ratings and received many poor reviews from critics who considered that if this risible, laughless exercise had been any more of a dog, it would have shed. The Sun has now claimed that the show will not be returning for a second series. The report claims that while ITV executives were 'happy' with the show - and, if they were, that really does explain much - the low ratings and struggle to capture viewers mean that it will not be getting any more episodes. However, Hill is expected to maintain a relationship with ITV, with the report alleging that he recently filmed a pilot called Harry Hill's Tea Time. The show - apparently described as 'TV Burp meets cookery' - would see Hill preparing a three-course meal with a celebrity guest. Yeah, that sounds like exactly the sort of format to have viewers flocking back to to Harold.
Dave will follow Al Murray's Pub Landlord erection campaign in a documentary. A ninety-minute programme -as yet, seemingly, untitled - will feature highlights of the stand-up's campaign, which has seen him mount a challenge to UKiP's Nigel Farago. Richard Watsham, Director of Commissioning for UKTV, said: 'This documentary is an important step for Dave as we continue to broaden our offering and raise the ambitions of our originations. This is a bold statement about the direction of travel for commissions on Dave. I'm particularly pleased that The Pub Landlord has chosen to share his extraordinary story exclusively with our viewers.' Steve North, General Manager for Dave, added that there has been 'incredible interest and excitement' around the Pub Landlord's bid for political office. 'Dave viewers will enjoy being up close and personal with The Guv as he takes on all comers including Nigel Farage. As Dave increasingly commissions original programmes, we want to reflect major news and events on air but always in Dave's unique way,' he said. Murray recently kicked off his political campaign by travelling to Thanet District Council's offices in a fire engine. The one-off film will be shown on Dave on the night of the General Erection (7 May) at 10pm just after the polls close. But, whilst the pub' are still open. How bizarre.
Chris Evans has confirmed that TFI Friday's anniversary special will be broadcast on 12 June. The date was previously rumoured, but has now been confirmed by the presenter, who will celebrate the Channel Four show's twentieth anniversary with a ninety-minute episode. Evans also revealed that he had the 'first, proper grown-up production meeting' about the special this week. 'All went well,' he wrote on Twitter. 'TFI Friday will return - live 9pm, Channel Four, Friday 12 June for a ninety minute special.' Evans also shared another countdown video on YouTube titled 'TFI Friday - Fifty Nine Days To Go', featuring a number of clips from the Channel Four series which originally ran from 1996 to 2000.

More4 has acquired the rights to broadcast the Norwegian series Heavy Water War. The drama - known in Norway as Kampen Om Tungtvannet - tells the true story of how Norwegian saboteurs destroyed Nazi Germany's hopes of developing an atom bomb during the Second World War. The series covers key events in the 1930s and 1940s, which saw the Nazis come close to developing a nuclear weapon to use on their enemies. Espen Kloumann Høiner, Dennis Storhøi and Christoph Bach lead the cast, with Anna Friel starring in a supporting role. In uniform. Oh, God yes. Anyway, the opening episodes of Heavy Water War were seen by more than 1.2 million Norwegians when they premiered on NRK in January.
The Canadian filmmaker Paul Almond has died, aged eighty three. The director was behind the ground-breaking and long-running Seven Up! documentary, which focused on a group of fourteen British seven-year-olds. The 1964 special has continued every seven years since as the Up series. Almond co-created the project, before Michael Apted took over the series. Almond died on Thursday of last week in California from complications relating to a recent heart attack, his son Matthew said. Born in Montreal in 1931, Paul attended Bishop's College School, McGill University and Balliol College, Oxford where he read Philosophy, Politics, Economics, edited the University magazine Isis, played for the Oxford University Ice Hockey Club and was president of the university Poetry Society. At the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, he worked primarily as a director and producer, and also wrote several scripts. He did similar work in England firstly for the BBC and then for Associated British Corporation and Granada TV (where he created Seven Up!) before embarking on a career as a feature-length film-making. The filmmaker came up with the idea for Seven Up! with Granada producer Tim Hewat while discussing the British class system in a pub. Hewat is said to have remarked: 'Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man,' allegedly originated by St Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits. Originally intended as a one-off, researcher Apted later revisited the children every seven years. Its most recent version Fifty Six Up was broadcast in 2012. Almond also wrote and directed a trilogy of films called Isabel, Act Of The Heart and Journey, which starred his second wife Geneviève Bujold. He also directed Sean Connery in a version of Macbeth in 1961, episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, ITV Playhouse, The Edgar Wallace Mystery Theatre, Armchair Theatre and Festival. After an absence from filmmaking of almost a decade, he went on directing three more films: Ups & Downs (1983), Captive Hearts (1987) and The Dance Goes On (1991), the later featuring Bujold, and their son Matthew Almond. He later wrote the Alford Saga, which contained eight novels based on the lives of his pioneer ancestors in Canada.

NASA's New Horizons spacecraft has taken the first true colour photograph of Pluto and its largest moon Charon – whilst speeding toward the dwarf planet at four kilometres a second. The - somewhat blurry - pictures were taken from around seventy million miles away. They were taken by the probe's six centimetre telescope, called Ralph. 'Scientific literature is filled with papers on the characteristics of Pluto and its moons from ground based and Earth orbiting space observations, but we've never studied Pluto up close and personal,' said John Grunsfeld, the associate administrator of the NASA Science Mission Directorate. 'In an unprecedented flyby this July, our knowledge of what the Pluto system is really like will expand exponentially and I have no doubt there will be exciting discoveries.' The New Horizons probe set off nine years ago (when Pluto was still classified as a planet), and so far has travelled more than three billion miles. The craft is the fastest human-made object to leave Earth's orbit and has picked up extra speed thanks to a gravity-assist flyby slingshot around Jupiter. It will encounter Pluto on 14 July this year. 'This is pure exploration; we're going to turn points of light into a planet and a system of moons before your eyes!' said Alan Stern, the New Horizons principal investigator from the Southwest Research Institute in Texas. 'This Twenty First Century encounter is going to be an exploration bonanza unparalleled in anticipation since the storied missions of Voyager in the 1980s.' As the probe flies by, the Ralph telescope should be able to pick up ground features on Pluto and Charon, as well as the dwarf planet's other four smaller moons. The spacecraft also has a larger monochrome camera for detail, as well as spectrometers, an ion analyser, and a dust analysis unit. The probe also carried a more unusual piece of cargo – human remains. Pluto was discovered by American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh in 1930, and New Horizons will carry an ounce of his ashes past his discovery and out into the rest of the universe. We can expect to get much better pictures of Pluto as the probe approaches, although getting them back to Earth is a slow and arduous process. Due to the huge distances involved, the probe can only send back data at a about one kilobite per second and the signal takes more than four hours to get back to Earth. Once past Pluto, the probe will explore the rest of the Kuiper Belt. NASA is using the Hubble telescope to scout out a possible route to other objects of interest, and the craft should be able to send data back for up to a decade to come.
Still in space, usually there's not much to see on Uranus according to astronomer Imke de Pater of the University of California, Berkeley. But last year was its stormiest on record. Ever since its equinox in 2007, when the Sun shined directly on its equator, the solar sysstems' seventh planet has been becoming more active. Last year it hit a new peak. When analysing infrared images of Uranus, Professor de Pater's team noticed eight large swirling storms in its northern hemisphere in August 2014. One of these storms was the brightest ever observed. It reflected thirty per cent as much light as the rest of the planet, the team reported in the journal Icarus. Nobody had expected it, says de Pater. It shows how little we understand even about planets inside our own Solar System. The team analysed bright patches on images of Uranus. These spots of light represent clouds. They deduced how thick the clouds were, and how high up in the atmosphere. From the altitude they could then infer what the clouds were made of. The clouds they saw were extremely high up. As they rose ever higher, methane gas condensed into methane ice, causing the clouds to glow. Uranus takes eighty four Earth years to travel around the Sun. For half this time one of its poles is in darkness. But during the 2007 equinox each pole was equally lit up, and astronomers expected that this change in illumination would cause a particularly stormy year. While we frequently see images from Mars, Jupiter and Saturn, Uranus has only ever been fleetingly visited by one space craft, Voyager 2. But that was in 1986 and it only observed a 'featureless haze' of dense clouds. That's why scientists rely on images taken at the ground-based Keck observatory in Hawaii. Increasingly, they also combine these with images taken by amateur astronomers, as their telescopes are powerful enough to see Uranus.
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's Freddie Parrot Face Davies singing Bill Owen's 'So Lucky'. And, why not? Well, there's several reasons why not, frankly, but we're stuck with it now.

Have a gander, dear blog reader, at the new monster which will be appearing in Doctor Who this autumn. The BBC previously released an image of the armoured-plated alien killing machine shrouded in darkness, but this new on-set photo, unveiled on Thursday, gives fans their first clear look at The Doctor's newest - as yet unnamed - nemesis. Poldark's Ed Bazalgette - director of series nine's fifth and sixth episodes - is also pictured, reviewing some footage with the creature.
Mark Gatiss has confirmed that the upcoming Sherlock special will take place in 1895. The one-off Christmas episode had already been confirmed as being set in the Victorian era, but some fans had wondered in which exact year it would take place. 'I can correct something that has been misreported,' Gatiss told the BBC News website. 'The [episode] is set in 1895, not 1885.' Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self will return as Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, but it will be a one-off conceit set in the past and will not be connected to the standard timeline of the BBC1 series. When asked whether the ten years between 1885 and 1895 makes a difference, Gatiss replied: 'It does, you wait and see, all the difference.' According to the Digital Spy website, 1895 was 'the year in which Sir Arthur Conan Doyle attempted to kill off Holmes in The Memoirs Of Sherlock Holmes, only to later resurrect the character after a public outcry.' In actual fact, that's a right load of old toot; The Final Problem, the story in which Conan Doyle killed off Holmes and Moriarty was published in 1893. Pfft, amateurs.
Mark's follow Sherlock co-creator has told BBC Newsbeat that it is 'getting harder' to persuade yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch to do the show. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat says that this is because Benny and Martin Freeman his very self 'don't need it.' They both have successful movie careers which means that their schedules are packed. 'They don't need Sherlock any more. So we have to persuade them to do it - which is fair enough,' Steven noted. 'They are very serious about it, they do love it very much,' he added. 'I didn't think we actually thought we'd get a fourth series out of them.' The BBC news site notes that 'Moffat also writes and produces Doctor Who'- you knew that, right? - and said that it's usual to have to persuade actors to do shows. 'You still have to pitch it. It's not unreasonable. I still sit with Matt Smith every time and Peter Capaldi and say - this is what we're going to do,' he explained. 'They would like to know that we've got another bunch of stories that they would like to do. That's a fair question.' Despite being extremely busy Steven says both Benny and Marty are committed to Sherlock and genuinely enjoy filming it. 'The fact that the series is shorter and relatively quick to do works in their favour too. It's not like doing Doctor Who where you practically marry the show,' he said. 'It's round the clock, round the year and you get one day off a year and that's Christmas Day and it's sodding well on on that day anyway. Sherlock can go on for a long time because we just show up occasionally and do it. It's like a reunion party every time.' So is the end in sight? 'Truthfully not yet, I don't think. But then, I'm an optimist.'
The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has given an exclusive video interview to YouTube channel Brilloxians, run by his son, Louis. In it, Steven explains why he left Twitter, what he most likes in a sandwich and reveals how Wicked Evil, Naughty Mark Gatiss often manipulates him with Maltesers. The bad, bad man.

Lara Pulver has said that she does not know if she will ever return to Sherlock. The actress made an 'uge impression which chaps (and, more than a few ladychaps) as Irene Adler in the second series opener A Scandal In Belgravia and appeared again in a brief cameo in a fantasy sequence in third series episode The Sign Of Three. Asked if we will ever see her character again on the drama, Pulver told Stylist: 'I honestly don't know. I was on holiday and a young fan came up and asked for an autograph and said, "You're filming the Christmas special right now, aren't you?" And I was like, "Erm, it doesn't really look like I am!" I'd prefer to be in one episode of that calibre than flit around in the background.' Lara has previously said that she would like to return to Sherlock, though the show's co-creators have said that any return for Adler must be story-led and not for the sake of giving lots of people The Horn. Although, to be fair, that is still a pretty good reason.
Penny Dreadful and Sherlock were the biggest winners at BAFTA's Television Craft Awards, honouring British TV talent from behind-the-scenes on Sunday evening. Sky Atlantic's supernatural horror Penny Dreadful, set in Victorian London, won for original music, production design and make-up and hair. Sherlock won the sound and editing awards in the fiction category. The popular drama has now earned nine BAFTAs in four years. Mackenzie Crook won his first Bafta, for comedy writing, for Detectorists, which he starred in with Toby Jones. Happy Valley writer Sally Wainwright was honoured in the drama category for her police thriller. The BBC drama is one of four programmes leading the nominations at next month's BAFTA TV awards, where it is up for three alongside The Missing, Line Of Duty and Marvellous. Staff on ITV talent show The X Factor won the entertainment craft team award, beating rival teams on BBC shows The Voice and Strictly Come Dancing. Other winners included the 2014 FA Cup Final coverage on ITV Sport, Channel Four's Grayson Perry: Who Are You?, ITV's The Lost Honour Of Christopher Jefferies and Messiah At The Foundling Hospital (BBC2). Work on Doctor Who (sepcial, visual and graphic effects), Paedophile Hunter and Dispatches: Children On The Frontline on Channel Four, the BBC's Winter Olympics 2014 coverage and The Musketeers (BBC1) was also honoured. Hilary Briegel was handed the evening's special award, for her work as a vision mixer on programmes including Absolutely Fabulous, Only Fools & Horses, Newsnight, Wimbledon and the Olympic Games.

Safe House topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Monday. The Christopher Eccleston-led drama brought in 5.29m for ITV at 9pm. Earlier, Wild Ireland averaged 2.67m at 8pm. On BBC1, Ed Milimolimandi's hopeless interview with Evan Davis interested 1.97m at 7.30pm, while Panorama gathered 3.01m at 8.30pm. MasterChef continued with 4.63m at 9pm. A repeat of the BBC2 documentary The Mekong River With Sue Perkins appealed to nine hundred and fifty thousand at 7pm, before Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial was seen by 1.32m and Inside Harley Street continued with 1.10m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Food Unwrapped was watched by with 1.17m at 8pm, while Travel Man: Forty Eight Hours In Marrakesh brought in 1.03m at 8.30pm. Skint reached eight hundred and seventy thousand at 9pm and the latest episode of Raised by Wolves had an audience of six hundred and sixty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Police Interceptors attracted eight hundred and twenty seven thousand at 8pm, while Gotham drew six hundred and ninety nine thousand at 9pm. Person Of Interest continued with five hundred and eighty six thousand at 10pm. Meanwhile, a new Game Of Thrones had an impressive audience of 1.14m at 9pm on Sky Atlantic.

Ordinary Lies topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps once again, according to overnight data for Tuesday. The BBC1 drama attracted 4.79m for its final episode, adding around three hundred thousand viewers week-on-week at 9pm. Later, Del Boys & Dealers was seen by 1.82m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial interested 1.41m at 8pm, while Back In Time For Dinner continued with 1.74m at 9pm. ITV's coverage of the Champions League tie between Barcelona and Paris St Germain averaged 1.89m between 7.30pm and 10pm. Channel Four's Plus Sized Wars interested 1.26m at 8pm and One Born Every Minute had an audience of 1.34m at 9pm. Ballot Monkeys was seen by eight hundred and ninety thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Britain's Horror Homes was watched by eight hundred and seventy four thousand punters at 8pm, while The Devil's Disciple brought in six hundred and seventy six thousand at 9pm. Family Secrets & Lies gathered five hundred and ninety six thousand viewers at 10pm.

MasterChef continued to dominate the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Wednesday. The BBC1 cookery competition was watched by 5.1m viewers at 8pm, while Secret Britain continued with 4.02m at 9pm. Earlier in the evening, odious right-wing scumbag Nigel Farago's interview with Evan Davis brought in an audience of 2.54m, nearly double the figures achieved by Ed Milimolimandi and millionaire Old Etonian David Cameron's respective interviews. The UKiP leader's encounter with Davis, during which Farago accused the Newsnight presenter of being a member of 'the liberal metropolitan elite', pulled in two and a half million punters, a fourteen per cent audience share from 7.30pm. Farago was up against ITV's Coronation Street, which attracted 6.3 million viewers. So, there you go - if Ken Barlow were running for office, we might as well not bother having a vote. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial averaged eight hundred and twenty thousand at 8pm, before World's Richest Terror Army brought in 1.11m and a Qi repeat interested nine hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. Newsnight was seen by seven hundred and thirty thousand at 10.30pm. ITV's new Wednesday night line-up took a tumble on its second week. Which was far funnier than anything that the network has broadcast in years. Wretched, unoriginal satirical puppet show Newzoids could only manage an audience of 2.27 million viewers from 9pm, around a third down from it's overnight audience of 3.34 million last week. It was followed by maternity ward sitcom The Delivery Man - quite possibly the least-funny programme in the history of the medium - which, predictably, failed to deliver with a laughably piss-poor 1.39 million viewers; this was down more than a million from last week’s overnight audience. Neither were helped by the lead-in from risible waste-of-oxygen Amanda Holden's stinking rotten celebrity pet series Give A Pet A Home, which drew just 2.45 million viewers from 8pm, down from last week's 2.53 million. The Delivery Man was also beaten by Channel Four's The Island With Bear Grylls, now five episodes into its fourteen-part run and still pulling in decent figures for C4, in this case 2.06 million from 9pm. First Dates was watched by 1.09m at 10pm. On Channel Five, The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door brought in 1.40m at 8pm and Autopsy: The Last Hours Of Robin Williams followed with 1.51m at 9pm. Jane The Virgin premiered on E4 with three hundred and forty six thousand at 9pm, while BBC3's Reggie Yates' Extreme Russia drew two hundred and twenty six thousand at 10pm.

MasterChef (with five million viewers) beat Emmerdale (4.7 million) in the overnight head-to-head battle on Thursday evening in the 8pm hour. Overall, it was a truly rotten night for ITV with Double Decker Driving School attracting a mere two million overnight punters at 8:30 and Ice Rink On The Estate an even more risible 1.4 million at 9pm. And, if the bloke (and lady) at ITV towers who commissioned those two turkeys isn't clearing out their desk this morning then there really is something wrong with the world. Just to make a bad night even worse, ITV News At Ten then had a miserably piss-poor 1.2 million audience against 4.4 million for the BBC's Ten O'Clock News. In the nine o'clock slot, Crimewatch attracted 3.6 million on BBC1, The Island With Bear Grylls had 2.5 million for Channel Four (almost double ITV's audience at the same time) and BBC2's returning W1A was watched by 1.5 million.

With an average audience of 5.85 million, the Masterchef final was Friday's highest-rated overnight show outside of soaps. The final of the cooking competition peaked with an audience of 6.6 million as the winner, Simon Wood, was announced between 9.15 and 9.30pm. BBC1's evening began with 3.75 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 3.07 million for A Question of Sport at 7.30pm. Hosted by Stephen Mangan, Have I Got News for You continued with 4.74 million viewers at 9pm, which was up on last week's average of 4.61 million. The episode featured scheduled guest host Jeremy Clarkson looking uncannily like Steven Mangan, too. So, double bonus. Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen helped The Graham Norton Show secure ratings of 2.75 million at 10.35pm. On ITV, Weekend Escapes with Warwick Davis was seen by 2.27 million at 8pm, while Slow Train Through Africa with Griff Rhys Jones had an audience of 2.21 million at 9pm. BBC Two's Live Snooker: The World Championship coverage attracted an average audience of eight hundred and twenty thousand punters at 7pm. The evening continued with 1.64 million for An Island Parish: Falklands and an evening high of 1.8 million for Gardeners' World at 8.30pm. The 9pm showing of Sex & The Church was seen by seven hundred and thirty thousand, while The Clare Balding Show drew seven hundred an fifty thousand at 10pm. An average audience of 2.77 million tuned-in to Gogglebox on Channel Four at 9pm. It was sandwiched between Marvel's Agents of SHIELD and Alan Carr: Chatty Man, which drew respective audiences of six hundred and ten thousand and 1.16 million. Secrets Of Great British Castles was seen by six hundred and ninety two thousand at 8pm on Channel Five. It was followed by eight hundred and fifty six thousand for NCIS: New Orleans at 9pm and eight hundred and twenty seven thousand for NCIS at 10pm.

As noted, Simon Wood was crowned the country’s best amateur cook as MasterChef champion. The thirty eight-year-old data manager from Oldham fought off fierce competition from fellow finalists Emma Spitzer and Tony Rodd to lift the coveted trophy. All three had to prepare three-course meals to impress judges John Torode and Gregg Wallace at the end of the seven week competition. Wallace, in his discussions with Torode as they decided the winner, said of Wood: 'Simon is a class, class act.' Torode added: 'He just keeps on getting better and better.' Wood, who has dreamed of being a chef since he was eight years old, told the judges: 'I'm shaking inside. It's so surreal – you can’t believe how happy I am. It's life-changing, it's everything I wanted it to be, and more besides.' Wallace added: 'Simon is brilliant, he's an incredible talent. He came in here with enormous ambition, he wanted to cook like a chef, and right now he is. I have no doubt in my mind that Simon is going to have a professional career in food.' Viewers have seen Wood cook a celebratory dinner in honour of Sir Winston Churchill, travel across Europe to Sweden and cook on open fires without gas and electricity, cook exceptional fish for two-Michelin-starred chef Nathan Outlaw, and in the penultimate show, cook for the Chef's Table, which was this year presided over by Massimo Bottura, the three-Michelin-starred chef at Osteria Francescana in Modena. Wood's winning menu in the final consisted of a starter of octopus, served with chorizo crisps, cannellini bean and chorizo salad, brunoise tomatoes and a sherry and smoked paprika vinaigrette. His main course was squab pigeon served two ways – roasted breast and a pigeon leg bon-bon - stuffed with pigeon leg meat, chicken, mushroom duxelle and armagnac, served with three types of heritage carrots, pommes parisienne, girolle and trumpet mushrooms, carrot purée, watercress and a cassis jus. The dessert featured lemon posset topped with citrus tutti-frutti, charred grapefruit and orange, a lime tuile, limoncello pistachio crumb, edible flowers, tarragon leaves and a 'lime air'. Or, 'air' as normal people call it. Wood's passion for cooking started when he won a competition to be anything for a day and chose to be a chef. He said: 'I have been cooking since I could reach the top of the oven and I always cooked at weekends with my grandma. When I was eight I won a competition where the prize was to have your dream job for the day. Mine was to be a chef. Thirty years later, who would have thought I would have the MasterChef trophy in my hands? I have four children and I became a dad at a young age, which meant I needed to secure a job where I could financially provide for my children, so my dreams of being a chef were always on the back burner. Then after years of sitting watching and wanting to try, but never quite being brave enough or the time not being right, I decided to stick my neck out and see if I had what it takes. I decided to enter to prove to myself I could compete with the best.' He is now planning a future in food. He said: 'My dream is to make a living doing something that I love: cooking, and hopefully give people a great memory and experience along the way.'

Britain's Got Toilets continued with a series high of nearly ten million overnight viewers on Saturday. ITV's lack of talent competition averaged 9.95m from 8pm and peaked, shortly before the episode's end, with 11.9 million. Ninja Warrior UK rose to 4.46m in the 7pm hour, whilst rotten a bag full of stinking diarrhoea Play To The Whistle could only manage a mere 2.42m from 9.15pm, throwing away a near twelve million lead-in for the second week running. Chances of a second series for that abomination? Not huge, I'd've said. On BBC1, Pointless attracted an audience of 4.11m, before Atlantis was watched by a horrendously low 2.39m from 7.45pm. And that, ladies and gentleman, is why it's being extremely cancelled and thrown into the gutter along with all the other turds. The National Lottery: In It To Win It attracted a not much better 2.75m, with the latest episode of Casualty having an audience of 4.38m. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat entertained 1.37m and Gallipoli: When Murdoch Went To War managed seven hundred and two thousand punters. Channel Four's The World's Most Extreme ... was seen by five hundred and fifty five thousand in the 8pm hour, before a terrestrial screening of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost movie Paul averaged nine hundred and ninety thousand viewers. On Channel Five, the latest CSI episode interested seven hundred and sixty nine thousand.

Poldark wrapped up its first series with strong overnight ratings on Sunday. The Aidan Turner-fronted period drama brought in an overnight of 5.87 million at 9pm on BBC1, adding more than four hundred thousand viewers week-on-week. Earlier in the evening, Countryfile continued to top the overnight ratings with 6.39m at 7pm, while Antiques Roadshow interested 5.78m at 8pm. On BBC2, coverage of World Championship Snooker was seen by nine hundred and forty thousand at 7pm, before Coast Australia averaged 1.02m at 8.15pm and Hunters Of The South continued with 1.14m at 9pm. ITV's wretched, risible Celebrity Squares remained consistent - consistently bad, that is - with an audience of but 2.04m for its latest episode at 7.15pm. The final episode of the current series of Vera followed with 4.70m at 8pm. On Channel Four, Three In A Bed was watched by six hundred and fifty thousand at 7pm, while For The Love Of Cars dipped to 1.22m at 8pm. Later, The Impossible drew 1.37m at 9pm. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and The Last Stand were Channel Fie's Sunday evening movie selections, with the former bringing in seven hundred and fifty two thousand at 7.15pm and the latter being watched by nine hundred and forty five thousand at 9pm.

It was really nice to see that the final episode of the current series of Vera included location filming not only in some of the more photogenic parts of the North East (the Millennium Bridge, the Baltic Restaurant on Gateshead Quayside et cetera) but, also, some of scummier parts of Newcastle city centre (Swan House car park) and the really run-down bit of South Shields sea front. So, one imagine this is one episode that - good as it was - the Northumbria Tourist Board won't be highlighting. Apparently, some of the episode was also filmed in and around Hartlepool, though this blogger is less familiar with Monkey Hanger territory. The popular crime drama has, incidentally, recently been recommissioned for another, sixth, series to be broadcast next year. Filming will, reportedly, begin in June.
Comedy line of the week came from the Metro's very excellent Keith Watson and his review of the final episode of Poldark: 'Principled, dashing, charismatic, a champion of workers'rights, a scourge of money-grabbing bankers ... How Ed Miliband must wish he was a bit more like Ross Poldark.'

Here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Three programmes, week-ending Sunday 19 April 2015:-
1 Britain's Got Talent - Sat ITV - 10.89m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.31m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.33m
4 Poldark - Sun BBC1 - 6.84m
5 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.61m
6 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 6.41m
7 Code Of A Killer - Mon ITV - 5.92m
8 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.71m
9 Ordinary Lies - Tues BBC1 - 5.64m
10 MasterChef - Wed BBC1 - 5.59m
11 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 5.18m
12 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 5.15m
13 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.02m
14 Vera - Sun ITV - 4.96m*
15 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.70m
16 Match Of The Day Live - Sat BBC1 - 4.42m
17 Erection Debate - Thurs BBC1 - 4.35m
18 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.32m
19 Gogglebox - Fri C4 - 4.31m
20 Six O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.22m
21 Formula One: The Bahrain Grand Prix - Sun BBC1 - 3.91m
22 Secret Britain - Wed BBC1 - 3.67m
23 The ONE Show - Tues BBC1 - 3.57m
These figures, as usual, do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. Despite the return of Britain's Got Talent and a couple of impressive drama hits - Code of A Killer and Vera - ITV's general woes continue. Much-hyped Spitting Image rip-off Newzoids could only manage a final audience of 3.35 million, Ninja Warriors UK lost almost a quarter of its initial audience between its first and second episodes, finishing with 3.22 million and the least said about The Delivery Man (2.65m), Give A Pet A Home (2.50m) and Play To The Whistle (2.27m), the better frankly. BBC2's most-watched programme of the week was, again, Back In Time For Dinner (3.20m) followed by the thankfully final episode of churlish, bitter old misery-guts Red Jimmy McGovern's Banished (2.89m), Univeristy Challenge (2.88m), Britain's Favourite Food: Are They Good For You? (2.17m) and Gardeners' World (2.06m). Aside from Gogglebox, Channel Four's highest-rated shows were The Island With Bear Grylls (3.18m) and The Supervet (2.18m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away (1.35m), Gotham (1.34m) and CSI (also 1.34m). E4's The Big Bang Theory was the mutichannels second most-watched programme of the week (1.67m), beaten only by Sky Atlantic's Games Of Thrones (a hugely impressive 2.63m). Midsomer Murders was ITV3's most-watched show with nine hundred and seventy nine thousand viewers, followed by Foyle's War (seven hundred and forty two thousand) and Lewis (seven hundred and one thousand). Inspector Montalbano was, again, BBC4's highest-rated programme (seven hundred and sixteen thousand), with One-Hit Wonder Number Ones At The BBC achieving an audience of six hundred and twenty six thousand and The Plantagenets five hundred and forty two thousand. BBC3's weekly ratings list was topped by the movie Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom (seven hundred and eleven thousand) in a top ten which also included two other Hollywood movies and five episodes of Family Guy. 5USA's The Mysteries Of Laura attracted four hundred and twenty nine thousand, followed by Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (three hundred and eighty six thousand). Elementary on Sky Living drew seven hundred hundred and ninety five thousand, followed by Bones (seven hundred and thirty one thousand), Criminal Minds (six hundred and ninety one thousand) and The Blacklist (six hundred and fifty one thousand). Sky 1's Modern Family brought in seven hundred and fifty nine thousand. On Dave Qi XL drew three hundred and eighty five thousand. Drama's New Tricks repeat was watched by four hundred and five thousand. Watch's Grimm had an audience of five hundred and sixty six thousand. On Sky Sports News, Gillette Soccer Saturday drew three hundred and sixteen thousand. Unbelievable, Jeff. An episode of Discovery History's repeat run of Time Team pulled in twenty four thousand viewers.

It looks as if Top Gear fans have been turning to BBC iPlayer to get their required fix following Jezza Clarkson's recent exit from the show. The final two episodes of the curtailed series attracted an impressive 3.6 million requests on the catch-up service during March.Much to the chagrin of various people with an agenda writing for the Gruniad Morning Star, the Daily Mirra, the Daily Scum Mail and the Torygraph. Obviously.
Meanwhile, the BBC is to broadcast unseen Top Gear footage featuring Jezza Clarkson although, they haven't said when yet, merely that it will be 'definitely' this year. BBC2's controller, Kim Shillinglaw, confirmed that material filmed for the final three episodes of the motoring series will be shown by the broadcaster. Some time. Speaking about the footage, Shillinglaw said: 'There is no way I would not want the available material not to be seen by viewers. Top Gear is a show that I love, I genuinely watch it and I always have done.' Shillinglaw also confirmed that Top Gear would return 'in a new form' next year. 'We have got a great in-house team that has always made it and will continue to make it,' she said at a BBC event on Tuesday. Speaking about future presenters, she continued: 'I am not really thinking about it in terms of gender. I have done a lot with female presenters when I used to work in science. That was something that across the piece that I really wanted to tackle. It's a really open book on that. We will definitely look at women but it is not the driving priority. I have never approached an individual show thinking that is the way you cast it. It's not been an easy year but it's kind of creatively exciting what we are going to do, what we have to do. We have got to move the show on. That's what we are going to do.' Shillinglaw, who has been given the task of finding Jezza Clarkson's replacement, also stressed that Jezza had not been 'banned' by the BBC. 'It's serious and unfortunate what happened but there is no ban on Jeremy being on the BBC,' she said. 'It's a big deal what happened and Jeremy, as any human being would, needs some time.'

James May has ruled out returning to the BBC show without Jeremy Clarkson, saying it would be 'lame' to do it with 'a surrogate Jeremy.' May said that the idea he would return alongside fellow co-host Richard Hammond with a new presenter in place of Clarkson was 'a non-starter.' But James said that he wanted to continue to work for the BBC and did not rule out the possibility of all three presenters one day returning to the show. 'Me and Hammond with a surrogate Jeremy is a non-starter, it just wouldn't work. That would be lame, or "awks" as Young People say,”' James told the Gruniad Morning Star. Quite what he was doing speaking to a reporter from that odious shit-rag which, with its sick agenda, has done more to cause trouble for Top Gear and its presenters over the last few years that even the Daily Scum Mail, is a question perhaps best left for another day. 'It has to be the three of us,' he continued. 'You can't just put a surrogate Jeremy in and expect it to carry on. It would be forced. I don't believe they would be stupid enough to try that. It doesn't mean I won't go back, we may all go back in the future. It might just be we have a break from it. I don't know.' James's reluctance to return without his former colleague increases the possibility that the motoring show will return next year with an all-new presenting line-up. It is understood there are currently no Top Gear talks ongoing with either Cap'n Slowly of The Hamster after their contracts expired last month. May said: 'It would be a bloody tough call to do Top Gear without Jeremy, that would be a bit of a daft idea. I don't think you could carry on with two people and put someone in as the new Jeremy because they are not going to be the new Jeremy. That would be short sighted and I don't think it would work. Virtually impossible. In the future when all this has blown over there might be an opportunity for three of us to get back together on the BBC to do Top Gear or a car show of some sort,' said May. 'The BBC haven't completely closed the door on Jeremy's return. They've not banned him or fired him, only "not renewed his contract" for the moment. It's a subtle difference but an important one.' May said that he saw it as 'a light kicking. Not excluding him from the club.' Clarkson, of course, wrote much of Top Gear, as well as co-presenting it, acting as a virtual executive producer and shorwunner on the show which he co-created with Andy Wilman in 2003. May said that there was 'nothing to rule out' reuniting with Clarkson and Hammond for a motoring show on a rival broadcaster. Clarkson has been linked to a move to big-spending US on-demand service Netflix which recently signed the producers behind the BBC's Blue Planet and Planet Earth to make a new natural history epic, Our Planet, in 2019. But May said that one or more of the presenters might have a non-compete clause which could hamper a switch in the short term. The presenter will return to BBC2 with a second three-part series of James May's Cars Of The People and said that he has 'one or two other projects' in the pipeline with the corporation. His other BBC2 credits include James May’s Toy Stories, Man Lab and Things You Need To Know. All of which were rather good (especially the former). He said that he would be 'happy' to return to film new links and studio footage for the three episodes of Top Gear which were pulled from the schedule following Clarkson’s suspension. Three unseen films have been shot featuring Clarkson, Hammond and May together, plus a handful of films with only one presenter adding up to between ninety minutes and two hours of unseen material. But May said that he had not yet been invited back to complete the re-edited programmes. 'The BBC still want me to make some documentaries for them, including about cars. I'm not out of making TV programmes about cars and motoring and car history.' With no Top Gear negotiations ongoing, May said he was 'rather enjoying' having time off. 'It may just be I don't do anything,' he added. Meanwhile, Top Gear's executive producer Andy Wilman has also quit the show. Wilman, who was a school friend of Clarkson, helped to reinvent the show and oversaw its growth into a globally successful format. The two school friends turned a dull and worthy motoring consumer programme in to an entertainment show which was funny, irreverent, highly-produced and a massive hit around the world. Top Gear is one of the BBC's most valuable formats, watched by more than six million viewers on BBC2 (plus million more on iPlayer), it is seen in more than two hundred countries around the world and generates between fifty and one hundred million smackers a year for the corporation's commercial arm, BBC Worldwide. Or, at least, it used to.

Outgoing Top Gear producer Andy Wilman has written a first person account of how the format was reinvented so successfully. Writing in this month's Top Gear Magazine, he paints a picture of a difficult and anarchic start and how Jeremy Clarkson was instrumental in saving the show from extinction. He describes how Richard Hammond nearly didn't make the cut following a dismal audition but pulled it back after 'he started to talk about his woefully unsuccessful career as a radio DJ, with the highlight being his late-night spot on Radio Cumbria, reading out the names of lambs that were up for adoption.' Part two will be in next month's magazine.

Jeeza, Hamster and Cap'n Slowly were spotted leaving Clarkson's London home on Friday lunchtime and seemed impressively unbothered by the amount of camera crews waiting for them when they emerged. The trio appeared to be in good spirits after the supposed 'secret' meeting, which is thought to be their first since all this crap started last month.
And, finally on the subject of Top Gear, the programmed has steered clear of any more controversy after the broadcasting watchdog Ofcom said that it would not take action over a handful of crass and ignorant whinges about alleged 'bad language'. The episode broadcast on 1 March attracted eleven such whinges - that's eleven; from eleven people with, clearly, nothing better to do with their time than come up with this rank and agenda-soaked bollocks - concerning 'mild offensive language' before the watershed. Primarily the words 'arse' and 'bastard' apparently. Which, interestingly, are perfect descriptors for the eleven glakes that whinged about them. There were also a further seven whinges about 'a discussion on animal experiments.' I'm, genuinely, not making this up, dear blog reader. A spokesman for Ofcom said: 'We carefully assessed a number of complaints about offensive language and comments in this show and have decided not to take the issues forward for further investigation. In our view the use of some mild offensive language was consistent with audience expectations for this well-established series.' Ofcom also, allegedly, told the eleven whingers in question to 'grow the fek up' and to save their crass and pointless whinging for stuff that people actually give a buggering crap about. Not that they will, likely, take much notice, of course. Because, some people are just scum and love whinging. They're quite a sight, to be honest. The watchdog also received one hundred and thirty three whinges about the suspension of Jezza Clarkson and subsequent episodes not being screened, but they were not taken further on this either because they were 'not covered in Ofcom's remit.' Ofcom, of course, is a politically-appointed quango, elected by no one. Just, you know, for balance.
And, speaking of crass and pointless whinging, Sarah Parish thinks that the BBC didn't want to take the risk on a third series of Atlantis because it was 'an expensive show that didn't get a mass audience immediately.' The show was very axed in January ahead of the broadcast of the second half of its second series. Because it was shit and no one was watching it, basically. 'It's very sad,' Parish - who played Pasiphaë in the fantasy adventure - told Metro of the cancellation. 'The programme was cancelled because it was expensive to make and because it didn't get a huge audience straight away.' Which, just to repeat, isn't actually true. It was - as previously noted - cancelled because it was shit and no one was watching it - that's the usual reason why shows that get cancelled get cancelled. 'I think it was a risk the BBC didn't want to take, she added. 'I feel sorry for the fans because we had quite a big following.' Which it didn't. If it had, it might not have been cancelled because a few more people might have been watching it. They were loyal and very upset when they found out the programme had been cancelled. It was an exceptionally good format but it was a children's' show really and we were put on at 8.30pm, which is late for kids, plus we were up against The X Factor.' So, to sum up then, according to Sarah Parish, Atlantis was cancelled because either it was too expensive, or it was badly scheduled, or it was up against tough opposition. None of which are the actual reason why it got cancelled.

Professor Brian Cox (no, the other one) has signed up to host a new BBC2 panel show. The people's scientist will present a new series called Six Degrees, which tests the theory of six degrees of separation. The BBC announced this week that Foxy Cox will challenge a team of scientists and celebrities to work out how seemingly random things are connected, with BBC2 suggesting that this could be 'from Babbage to Buzzfeed, Lovelace to Linux.' Sounds ... a bit unoriginal but with some potential. The broadcaster added: 'The panel show will rejoice in the often serendipitous connections that have led us through the digital revolution.' Coxy, of course, has previously been a panellist on panel shows Qi and Would I Lie to You? but this will be the first that he has hosted.
The next - thirteenth - 'M' series of Qi and Qi XL will begin filming on 5 May. Once again sixteen episodes are scheduled to be recorded during May and June. From The North will be bringing you, dear blog reader, news of episode titles and guest casts as and when we learn them.
National heartthrob yer actual David Tennant has been signed up to host a celebration of William Shakespeare his very self to mark the four hundredth anniversary of the playwright's death. Shakespeare's dead? I didn't even know he'd been ill. The event will broadcast live, on BBC2 next April, from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon. It will feature a variety bill inspired by Shakespeare and performed by 'major international talent.' It will celebrate Shakespeare's enduring influence on all of the performing art forms from opera to jazz and ballet to musicals. David joined the RSC in 1996 playing Touchstone in As You Like It. He went on to play one of the leading roles in Romeo & Juliet and Antipholus of Syracuse in The Comedy of Errors, for which he received a nomination in the 2000 Ian Charleson awards for Best Classical Actor under thirty. He returned to the RSC to play Berowne in Love's Labour's Lost and the title role in a much acclaimed production of Hamlet in 2008. In Winter 2012 he played the title role in Richard II. Tony Hall, the BBC's Director General said: 'Our ambition is to get more people excited about Shakespeare than ever before – through drama, great performance, documentary; festivals and social media too. We're partnering with talent right across the country and delighted to be working with the RSC. 2016 is going to be the biggest celebration of Shakespeare we've ever put on - for everyone.'

David's successor as The Doctor, yer actual Matt Smith is reported to be 'in the running' to play Prince Philip in The Crown - Peter Morgan's forthcoming television drama series which will explore the Queen's sixty-plus years on the throne. Mind you, this comes from the Daily Scum Mail so, frankly, I'd trust this 'report' about as far as this blogger could comfortable excavate the contents of his bowels. If reports are accurate - which they probably aren't - Smudger would play the Queen's consort, Phil the Greek, from the time of their wedding at Westminster Abbey in 1947 through to the early 1960s. Wolf Hall actress the very excellent Claire Foy has already signed up to play the Queen in the drama, which is being directed by Billy Elliot's Stephen Daldry.
The Honourable Woman's Hugo Blick is to write a new (probably over-complicated, but nevertheless fascinating) drama series for BBC2. Blick - who also scripted The Shadow Line - has created an as-yet-untitled thriller set in contemporary Africa. Details on the series are currently scarce, but it is said to follow 'a compelling set of characters caught up in a very human moral dilemma.' Blick is also known for co-creating BBC2's Marion & Geoff with Rob Brydon and for devising the channel's drama Sensitive Skin starring Joanna Lumley.

It was one of the most memorable TV images of the year: Aidan Turner half-naked and wielding a scythe in the opening episode of BBC1's Poldark. But the makers of the hit Sunday night period drama have declared themselves 'pretty innocent' over the much-discussed shirtless scenes which seem finally to have toppled Colin Firth's turn as Mister Darcy as television's most talked about romantic lead. His role as the smouldering Ross Poldark has catapulted Turner to fame but the actor said that he steered clear of the occasionally feverish viewer response. The drama's executive producer, Damien Timmer, told the new issue of Radio Times: 'Yes, the shirtlessness! But honestly, we were pretty innocent about the shirt-taking-off stuff. Ross does it in the book, he goes swimming, he washes himself clean. And he's a farmer, and it's very hot in Cornwall! Besides, we didn't audition him with his clothes off.' Turner said: 'It was quite odd to walk into a newsagent and see myself holding a scythe with a peculiar smile on my face. I don't feed it, you know. I think I could easily get addicted to Googling myself if I did start doing it, so I just stay out of that entirely. It's better not to know, sometimes. I don't read any press. I make it a thing.' The drama, which co-stars Eleanor Tomlinson as Poldark's maid, and later wife, Demelza, comes to an end on BBC1 on Sunday, having already been recommissioned for a second series after averaging over eight million consolidated viewers per episode. The series has been credited with boosting the tourism trade in Cornwall, where it is set and filmed, as well as – more surprisingly – a spike in interest in scything. Debbie Horsfield, who adapted Winston Graham's Poldark novels, said that she wanted to cast Turner from the start, saying he had 'certain traits, that kind of rebel/outsider element, the damaged person who's at odds with the whole world.' Timmer said Turner 'has that integrity in the way he plays Ross, he commits to it so completely; he is Ross in all of his complex brooding.' Turner said: 'When you're on TV, you might get stopped in the street the odd time, but I suppose it's how you handle it yourself. If you want your life to change, it can change, but if you don't want it to change, there are ways you can hold on to all of those things that matter.' He said of living in Dublin: 'It's fairly calm and relaxed. There's no mania – not that I can see.'

BBC4 has announced that Puppy Love will not return for a second season. In a statement issued on Friday, the channel confirmed that the sitcom - created by Getting On's Joanna Scanlan and Vicki Pepperdine - had been cancelled. Because, let's all chants this together, it was shit and no one was watching it.

Nigella Lawson - she has her knockers - has signed up to return to BBC2 with a new cooking show. Lawson, who was last seen on UK television as a judge on Channel Four's ratings disaster The Taste, will front the new series, Simply Nigella. The show, which promises to 'focus on both meals for special occasions' and 'simple everyday meals', will feature a few recipes in each episode and have lots of shots of Nigella poking around in her own pantry. Oh yes. Lawson will talk about what the recipes mean to her, give tips on the simplest ways to make them and show us how to cook everything from brunches to bowl food. Plus, there'll be some finger-licking. Probably. 'It's about food that makes our life easier, that makes us feel better, more alive, and less stressed,' she said. The BBC has not yet set a broadcast date for Simply Nigella.
And, on a somewhat-related theme, The Hairy Bikers have launched a new BBC2 campaign to help lonely elderly people. Si King and Davey Myers new show Old School - inspired by their previous Meals On Wheels series - will see the popular duo linking up a local secondary school with pensioners who are feeling isolated. The campaign, said to be based on US and Japanese formats, will see Davey and Si bringing up to thirty retired people into a school. The Hairy Bikers are,according to the press release, hoping that not only will the school's pupils give the pensioners some comfort, but the retirees will help to teach the students a thing or two. 'This series is about two generations who have more in common with each other than they might at the start think - both groups are undervalued and often ignored by the rest of society, neither considered truly responsible for themselves - joining forces to demonstrate what they can achieve together,' the BBC said.
In January the news that Hannibal's third season was to be pushed back from its usual spring broadcast date on NBC, into a traditionally dreaded summer slot brought outrage and more outrage from the dark drama's legion of fans. The general assumption was that this was a network decision motivated by the show's low ratings and, obviously, the most pessimistic of fans worried that NBC were putting Bryan Fuller's masterful drama out to pasture. But Fuller has this week explained to the Digital Spy website that the decision was, actually, his and was made out of necessity, after an attempt to re-jig the show's production schedule had left the crew under unrealistic time constraints. 'We barely, by the skin of our teeth, were able to produce the first two seasons with a lot of hard work and a lot of people bending over backwards and contorting, because it's so hard to do a crafted television show in eight days [per episode],' Fuller said. 'It was eight-day episodes and then an additional day or two of second unit and massive overtime. But coming into the third season, which is our most ambitious yet, it was essentially trying to squeeze all of that into seven days, with no second unit, and it blew up in everybody's faces. It was one of those where I was saying, "This isn't gonna work," and then on day three of production I was like, "This really does not work", because we were not completing episodes. Scenes were getting dropped, shots were dropped, so in the editing room I was like, "I can't even put this together because there's not enough material." And I'd been squawking about that for four months, saying we're in trouble, and then finally after four months we realised where we were and had to push back, because the show wasn't done.' He added: 'I don't mind a summer schedule at all and it actually allowed us to fix our mistakes, of trying to simplify how we were producing the show, which was misguided.' Principal photography on the third season of Hannibal ended in Toronto this week and the season will now début on NBC in June. Which is good.

The website also has a fascinating piece featuring some spoilers for the forthcoming series, including episode titles. Seek it out if you don't mind being spoiled. In the interview, Fuller notes, concerning From The North favourite yer actual Gillian Anderson: 'Gillian has quite a big role in the first half of the season and she's hilarious. There's one episode in particular where she is laugh-out-loud funny, and I can't wait for people to see that because she's just a delight.'
Saucy Suzy Perkins has been confirmed for new BBC2 documentary series, Himalaya. The comedian, lesbian and presenter will host the show, travelling across the South Asian mountain range over the course of the series,in a similar format to last year's The Mekong River. Presumably, one bonus of this will be that Sue will be well out of the way of any outraged bell-end mental Top Gear fanatics with access to a computer for a few weeks. So, everybody wins. Himalaya With Sue Perkins is among a host of newly commissioned BBC2 documentaries announced this week. Also confirmed is This World: Children Of The Gaza War, which takes a closer look at the lives of young people affected by conflicts in the Middle East. Elsewhere, Britain's Forgotten Slave Owners will focus on the UK's dark history of slavery, while Let Us Entertain You will chronicle popular culture in post-war Britain. Other newly commissioned history documentaries include From The North favourite Professor Mary Beard's Meet the Roman Empire and , two more From The North favourites Scottish Neil Oliver (and his lovely hair) and The Goddess of Punk Archaeology Doctor Alice Roberts's Celts. Factual strand The Detectives follows a specialised Greater Manchester Police unit as they attempt to tackle sex offences, while Horizon: Cosmic Dawn explores the moment of first light in the universe, shortly before Bruce Forsyth was created. Nature documentaries Wildest Tribes, Atlantic: Earth's Wildest Ocean and Japan: Earth's Enchanted Islands have also been commissioned.
Lord Snooty is 'taking a break' from Downton Abbey to work on a new ITV series. The writer and creator of ITV's flagship drama will work with the network on an adaptation of Doctor Thorne by Anthony Trollope. So, that should be worth avoiding, then.

A segment on ITV's This Morning offering viewers a lesson in 'bondage for beginners' has been cleared by the media regulator. Ofcom launched an investigation into the ITV daytime show following one hundred and twenty whinges from viewers about the item, which was inspired by the hit film Fifty Shades Of Grey. So-called 'sex expert', Annabelle Knight, talked Phillip Schofield and The Curiously Orange Christine Bleakley through a selection of toys including blindfolds, a feather 'tickler' and a vibrating 'body wand'. A video clip also showed half-naked models cavorting on a bed. It was quite a sight, so it was. Asked about his views on a satin eye mask, Schofield said: 'Sorry, I was just watching the VT then – I got a bit distracted.' Ofcom investigated whether the item, which was broadcast on 3 February, was unsuitable for broadcast before the 9pm watershed. 'Following a careful investigation we concluded this programme didn't break broadcasting rules, after it aired a feature called "bondage for beginners", before the watershed,' said an Ofcom spokesman. Schofield had warned viewers that there would be a discussion about bondage equipment in the show, adding that it would be 'done in good taste.' Ofcom said that the segment was 'unlikely to have been seen by many children' and that the bondage discussion had been 'appropriately limited. The material was scheduled at a time when children were at school and clear warnings were also given in advance of the feature to protect any children who were not at school,' said the Ofcom spokesman. 'The feature itself was also appropriately limited in terms of detail.'
Plans to kick BBC3 online have been delayed as the corporation waits for the BBC Trust to approve its proposals. The channel was originally supposed to become an online-only brand in autumn 2015, but its boss said that the shift would not now occur until 'after Christmas. We won't be rushed. We will do what's right for our fans, not to satisfy deadlines,' said Damian Kavanagh. The Trust is expected to deliver its decision on the move in June. 'Once we have the Trust's final decision, we'll start doing more online and in social [media], building up to a move online,' Kavanagh told Broadcast magazine. 'You simply can't turn around something as ground-breaking as this overnight.'The youf-orientated channel was earmarked for closure as a linear TV channel by BBC Director General Tony Hall last year. Under current proposals, it will be remodelled as an online platform, offering tailored content based around comedy and 'thought-provoking programming.' Formats will not just live on iPlayer, but will be distributed on third party sites including YouTube and Facebook. The removal of the channel from digital terrestrial television will make room for the long-awaited BBC1+1 service, while CBBC will be extended by two hours in the evening.

Samuel West has claimed that a culture of 'low and unpaid work' in the arts is 'a time bomb' which will 'ultimately destroy the profession.' Writing in the acting union Equity's magazine, he called low pay or working for free 'a virus' that stifled diversity. He said it was the theatre industry's 'job' to 'hold a mirror up to nature.'Mind you, to be fair, Shakespeare said that first. 'Unless we keep the widest possible demographic, we are building a time bomb into the future of the industry,' he added. West, who recently directed April de Angelis's play After Electra in Plymouth, said 'actors should never be asked to work for nothing when other professionals in the production are drawing salaries.' He said the usual explanation that it will 'lead to visibility' should not be given 'when that usually depends more on backgrounds and contacts.' West, whose parents are the actors Timothy West and Prunella Scales, said it seemed like the industry based its 'economic model on those who can afford to live with their parents', which does not work. 'Talent is no respecter of postcodes, or how much your parents earn,' he said.
Waste-of-space right-wing scumbag and smear Nigel Farago has called for the BBC licence fee to be reduced and for many of its most popular programmes to be scrapped. The UKiP party leader, 'man of the people' (and drag) publicly stated in Rochester that the fee - currently at £145.50 - should be cut by two-thirds. 'Do I think the BBC needs to involve itself and engage itself in many other fields of entertainment and sport, given the whole world has changed with cable television and satellite television? No,' Farago said. 'I would like to see the BBC cut back to the bone to be purely a public service broadcaster with an international reach and I would have thought you could do that with a licence fee that was about a third of what it currently is.' Where, exactly, Farago got that figure from, he didn't say. So, there you go, boys and girls - Nigel Farago - who, obviously, doesn't have any person, sick agenda in this matter - does not think that the BBC should be producing Strictly Come Dancing, EastEnders, Sherlock, Doctor Who, Mrs Brown's Boys, Top Gear, Poldark, Call The Midwife or any other programme that gets millions of viewers. And, therefore under any hypothetical future UKiP űber alles government, large men would be sent around to Broadcasting House to break some fingers until Nige is satisfied. Yes, that's right dear blog reader, no more Doctor Who for you under Mister Farago. Even The Daleks couldn't manage that.
I'll tell you what, Nige me auld mucker, that single statement might just have lost you your chances of winning Thanet South in the forthcoming general erection. I'm not sure how many rabid Sherlock or Top Gear fans of a voting age there are in that particular constituency but, these people have long memories. The licence fee is frozen until 2017 at present, with the Conservatives indicating that they would retain the freeze and squeeze the BBC until it squeaks. For fun. Labour's Ed Milimolimandi said earlier this month that the BBC's licence fee settlement should be renewed. 'The BBC needs to take seriously the issue of management salaries,' he commented on the corporation's spending. 'All organisations should. But I think Tony Hall is taking it seriously.' But, I wouldn't get too excited about that since hapless Ed has about as much chance of being Britain's next Prime Minister as yer actual Keith Telly Topping does. And, trust me dear blog reader, I'm not about to tell you all to return to your remote controls and prepare for government.
Once again, dear blog reader, it has been pointed out to this blogger that a properly grievous error has occurred in the selection of a picture used to illustrate a particular story on From The North. Which is, obviously, of enormous and profound regret to this blogger. In a recent news item on the subject of Nigel Farago's opinions on the future of the BBC, we accidentally - and wholly without malice - included a photographic image which was not, in fact, that of the UKiP leader, 'man of the people' (and drag) but was, instead, a photograph of the former German chancellor Adolf Hitler (1889-1945). Who only had one. Allegedly. This blogger would like to, sincerely, apologise for any embarrassment or upset this mix-up caused. To Hitler.

Britain's Eurovision hopefuls Electro Velvet will make their TV debut on The Graham Norton Show. That's if Nigel Farago hasn't used his massive political influence to cancel the format in the mean time. The appearance will serve as a dress rehearsal for the duo, before they head to Vienna for this year's contest and their inevitable acquisition of 'nul points'.
Oily Piers Morgan, the former - extremely sacked - editor of the Daily Mirra and television host, has been questioned under caution for a second time about phone-hacking. The Metropolitan police confirmed that a fifty-year-old oily twat had been 'interviewed under caution' on Tuesday as part of Operation Golding, the investigation into allegations of phone-hacking at Mirra Group Newspapers. Morgan said in a statement: 'Some time ago I was asked to attend an interview with officers from Operation Golding when I was next in the UK. This was further to a previous voluntary interview I provided in December 2013. I attended that interview today. As this is an ongoing investigation, I am unable to comment further until its conclusion.' Morgan, who edited the Daily Mirra for nine years until he had his ass fired in 2004 and is now editor-at-large of Scum Mail Online in the US, has always denied that he was personally involved in phone-hacking. In an interview with the Gruniad Morning Star last October Morgan said: 'I've never hacked a phone nor told anybody to hack a phone.' Four former Sunday Mirra journalists, including ex-editor Tina Weaver and former Sunday People editor, James Scott, were arrested over alleged phone-hacking by officers from the Metropolitan police's Operation Weeting investigation in March 2013. No charges have yet been brought. Morgan, a former Scum of the World editor and hate figure for millions, took over at the Daily Mirra in 1995 and held the position until 2004 when he was sacked following the publication of hoax photographs which the newspaper had claimed showed Iraqi prisoners being abused by British soldiers. He later wrote a book about his career before pursuing a career in broadcasting and eventually landing his own show on US network CNN in 2011. Which was subsequently very cancelled. Because it was shit and no on was watching it. He appeared as a co-host on ITV's Good Morning Britain last week, but is usually based in the US. He is one of two men to have been publicly punched by Jeremy Clarkson although, interestingly, Jezza wasn't sacked for that one but was, instead, awarded an effing medal by the general public.
Former Radio 1 DJ and convicted sex offender Dave Lee Travis was 'financially ruined' by his lengthy legal battles, a court has heard. And, we're supposed to, what? Feel sorry for him? Travis - the self-styled 'Hairy Cornflake' - was extremely convicted in September having been found very guilty of indecently assaulting a woman. He was given a three month jail sentence suspended for two years. A hearing at Southwark Crown Court heard that he had racked up a taxi fare bill of four thousand four hundred and fifty six smackers during his trials. He was awarded travel costs, limited to the value of a day return train ticket and fifty knicker for a taxi plus hotel costs. Stephen Vullo QC, representing Travis, made the defendant's costs application and said his client had been 'financially devastated' by trials in February and September last year. 'He has no money left whatsoever,' he whinged. Although, one imagines it is highly unlikely that Vullo himself is working for nothing. 'He is now below zero,' Vullo continued. And, again, we're supposed to be sympathetic towards this convicted sex offender, are we? Vullo also claimed six hundred and thirty quid in hotel accommodation, and two hundred and forty six notes for travel to 'legal conferences' and asked for a total of five thousand three hundred and thirty two smackers towards Travis's costs. Judge Leonard ruled that Travis could claim the costs of a daily return train ticket from Aylesbury to Marylebone, which the judge said cost £61.40, as well as fifty quid a day for 'reasonable' taxi costs from the station. He allowed the hotel costs. Referring to Travis's alleged back problems, Judge Leonard said: 'His infirmity was such that the benefit from the train, to get up from his seat rather than remain in it, is something that could only have been achieved on a train, not a car.' The defence estimated that Travis travelled from his home in Aylesbury to court on thirty seven days, which means he could be entitled to around four thousand one hundred knicker. The number of days will be confirmed with the court at a later stage. Prosecutor Joshua Munro argued the costs were not 'reasonable' expenses for the taxpayer to fund. And, for what it's worth, this tax payer entirely agrees with Munro.

Game Of Thrones' Maisie Williams - soon to be seen in Doctor Who, of course - stars in the new movie The Falling, released this week, a study of mass hysteria at an all-girls school. Set in 1969 at a strict girls' school, the film tells of a mysterious fainting epidemic which breaks out in the aftermath of a tragedy. The idea for the movie, according to director Carol Morley, 'came to me over a decade ago, when a friend and I ended up in bursts of hysterical laughter on the phone.'
In advance of the forthcoming Doctor Who Symphonic Spectacular which visits six cities across the UK from 23 May, artwork has been released to capture the monsters and characters from Doctor Who, alongside the musicians taking part in the tour. Paying homage (or, ripping-off, whichever you prefer) to the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band LP cover designed by Sir Peter Blake for The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might have heard of them), the design features a range of characters, past and present.
The actor Rex Robinson has died at the age of eighty nine. Rex appeared in three Doctor Who stories during the early 1970s, all directed by Lennie Mayne. In 1972 Rex played Doctor Tyler in the well-remembered tenth anniversary story The Three Doctors, as a scientist who joined forces with The Doctor and UNIT to help defeat the renegade Time Lord Omega. He has a minor place in Doctor Who history being on the receiving end of one of the series' most quoted lines, as Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart has something of a fit of pique at The Doctor's laizzez faire attitude to UNIT's security. 'Liberty Hall, Doctor Tyler, Liberty Hall!'He returned the following year in The Monster Of Peladon, to play Gebek, a Peladonian trisilicate miner. His final appearance in Doctor Who came in 1976 when he played Doctor Carter in the Tom Baker story The Hand of Fear. Born in Derby in 1926, Rex also appeared in a number of classic British Television drama and sitcoms including The Troubleshooters, Gems, Bread, One By One, Only Fools and Horses, Just Good Friends, Are You Being Served?, Front Page Story, Terry & June, The Onedin Line, Softly Softly: Task Force, Warship, Upstairs, Downstairs, Callan, The Plane Makers, Ghost Squad and Champion Road. Other acting roles included appearances in Six Days Of Justice, Z-Cars, No Hiding Place, Within These Walls, The Professionals, The Big Pull, The Insect Play, Armchair Theatre, Yes, Minister, and the films A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square and Superman IV: The Quest For Peace. His final screen appearance was in 1989's Shadow Of The Noose before eyesight problems forced him to give up his acting career, although he did appear in two video documentaries about his time in Doctor Who, The Doctors Revisited and Omega Factor. Rex Robinson is survived by his wife, the actress Patricia Pryor, who also appeared in The Three Doctors.

If restrictions on Internet access, repressive laws from psychotic knobends and possible imprisonment for speaking your mind are not your thing, you might want to avoid a few states. According to a report by the Committee to Protect Journalists, the following countries are the most censored in terms of press freedom and harassment of journalists as well as repressive laws affecting members of the public. Eritrea, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Ethiopia, Azerbaijan, Viet'nam, Iran, China, Burma and Cuba. Interestingly, this blog has been visited by people from all of those countries apart from North Korea. Yer actual Keith telly Topping obviously isn't subversive enough to get himself banned by even the world's most repressive regimes. What a tragedy. Surprisingly, perhaps, North Korea did not top the list with Eritrea in East Africa taking the number one spot. Saudi Arabia, which made headlines recently when a liberal blogger was sentenced to one thousand lashes, came third. You have to pay good money for that sort of thing over here, of course. China, which has battled with Google over censoring search results, also made the list.
A semi-professional footballer who played for Clitheroe FC has been sacked after a video emerged showing him having sex with an unknown woman in the manager's dugout while wearing official kit of the club. Jay Hart was filmed on Saturday afternoon following the Evo-Stik Division One North match at Mossley AFC. The video appeared on social media which led to Hart's identification. Hart could be heard laughing in the video, in which he is seen having - seemingly very enjoyable - sex with a blonde woman whose face cannot be seen, with his club T-shirt still on and tracksuit bottoms around his ankles. The striker came off the self-same bench in the seventy third minute for Clitheroe during the club's 4-1 defeat in their final away game of the season, at Mossley's Seel Park stadium and was named 'ladies day' in order to promote the club and attract more female supporters. Which may,or may not, have included the blonde woman. Since the video emerged, Hart has been sacked by the non-league club for 'bringing the club into disrepute.' Clitheroe chairwoman Anne Barker said in an official statement: 'Following a NON-FOOTBALL RELATED incident at Mossley AFC yesterday, Jay Hart has been dismissed from the club.'She added, as quoted by the Daily Scum Mail: 'I can't have somebody wearing the Clitheroe FC tracksuit bringing us down.' Or, indeed, it down. 'It has brought the club into disrepute and it's not proper for him to scupper our reputation. I expect our players to act professionally. It was brought to my attention on Saturday night and dealt with through the management. I did offer to speak to him myself but Simon [Garner, the manager] said he would take care of it.' Hart's girlfriend Bryony Hibbert, who is from Oswaldtwistle in Lancashire and has two young children, has criticised those who shared the video on social media and took to the Clitheroe Facebook page to vent her spleen in what she labelled as a 'disgusting' act. 'Have a bit of decency for the people it's affected,' Hibbert pleaded in a post which was later removed. 'Thank God my kids are too young to read. It's disgusting. I bet their families are far from perfect.' Garner, who signed Hart to the club, said: 'At the time of this unfortunate occurrence on Saturday, I wasn't there. I had already left the ground. I found out later on when I saw how it played out on Twitter. I'm disappointed but we can't control what the players do outside the time we are with them. They choose what they want to do. Unfortunately, Jason was wearing the club tracksuit and he knows he has let the club down, so the club has done what it has done. “He's disappointed it has gone this far. It's going to have consequences for him beyond leaving this football club; with his family and possibly beyond that. Football is only a small part of it. If he had thought about what would have happened when he did it, he wouldn't have done it. He will pay for it. When I spoke to him, he sounded very apologetic about it. I'm disappointed for him. He will regret what he did and it was totally wrong.'

Many people heaved out huge collections of VHS tapes, assuming they would be worth nothing once DVD took over (although not, it should be noted, yer actual Keith Telly Topping who still has a couple of thousand tapes littering up Stately Telly Topping Manor). If you are one of those who did, however, it might be an idea to look away now. Some old VHS tapes can now be worth up to a grand each, with a new and thriving collectors' market buying up unique films - with up to fifty per cent of films on VHS never having seen release on DVD. Dale Lloyd of Midlands VHS firm Viva VHS told the Torygraph, 'It's not just the films. A lot of the trailers that play beforehand are extremely sought after and could be lost forever if not preserved.' Lloyd screens selections of old, lost trailers at cinema festivals - and rents classic films. 'Fans of Richard Linklater can only own the brilliant SubUrbia on VHS. The same goes for Edgar Wright and his debut feature, A Fistful Of Fingers. Lloyd says that VHS collecting is still in its infancy - but some obscure films, especially horror titles, can already fetch enormous sums. Titles such as 1977's The Beast In Heat will fetch upwards of a thousand smackers each - and other horror titles such as Lemora Lady Dracula can also fetch huge sums.

Bruce Springsteen will honour The Who as they celebrate a half-century in music at a star-studded concert in New York next month. Springsteen is to present the band, led by frontman Roger Daltrey and guitarist Pete Townshend with an award, while Joan Jett and Billy Idol are both set to perform at the event on 28 May.
In case you missed it, the enormous Eamonn Holmes grabbed even more air-time than usual when he walked in front of the camera during his colleague's weather report on Sky News this week. He unwittingly ambled across the weather map during the live report, and gave a little wave when he realise his error.

The Queen attended a ceremony marking the centenary of the Gallipoli campaign in World War One on Saturday. She was joined by Prince William and party leaders at a parade at the Cenotaph in Whitehall, ahead of a service at Westminster Abbey. A second day of services in Australia, Turkey and New Zealand were also held to mark the landing of allied forces in Gallipoli, one hundred years ago. The eight-month campaign on the Gallipoli peninsula, in the Dardanelles, part of modern day Turkey, was one of the bloodiest of the war and the first to involve ANZAC troops from Australia and New Zealand. Other events took place across the world during the course of the day. Descendants of veterans and representatives from countries involved in the operation attended the ceremony. At dawn on 25 April 1915, thousands of allied troops launched an amphibious attack on the strategically-important Gallipoli peninsula, which was key to controlling the Dardanelles strait, a crucial route to the Black Sea and Russia. The Gallipoli campaign is most frequently associated with the forces of the Australian and New Zealand army corps although more than half-a-million allied troops who were involved in the operation, more than four hundred thousand came from Britain. More than eleven thousand Australian and New Zealand troops were killed in the course of the campaign. Gallipoli holds a special place in Australian hearts. Many believe it was the event at which Australians proved heralded the young nation's emergence onto the world stage. After a failed naval attack, the Allies tried to capture Constantinople (now Istanbul) via the Gallipoli peninsula by land assault. British, French and their dominions' troops - including soldiers from Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, India and Canada - took part. They faced months of shelling, sniper fire and sickness, before abandoning the campaign. Forty five thousand Allied troops died for no obviously material gain, although the Turkish Army was tied down for eight months. Eighty six thousand Turkish troops are estimated to have died.

And, speaking of Her Maj, the first production photos of Dame Kristen Scott Thomas as Queen Elizabeth II in Peter Morgan's The Audience have been released. The images also feature the great David Calder as Winston Churchill. The new production, which originally starred an Oliver Award-winning Dame Helen Mirren, is currently in preview at the Apollo Theatre and is running until 25 July 2015.
The Hubble Space Telescope has celebrated its silver anniversary with a picture featuring a spectacular vista of young stars blazing across a dense cloud of gas and dust. The Westerlund Two cluster of stars is located about twenty thousand light-years - or, a bastard long way - away in the constellation of Carina. Hubble was launched on Space Shuttle Discovery on 24 April 1990. Engineers expect the observatory to keep operating for at least another five years. 'Even the most optimistic person to whom you could have spoken back in 1990 couldn't have predicted the degree to which Hubble would rewrite our astrophysics and planetary science textbooks,' commented NASA Administrator Charlie Bolden. 'A quarter of a century later, Hubble has fundamentally changed our understanding of our Universe and our place in it.'
Thursday was, of course, St George's Day, dear blog reader. So, to celebrate. here's a picture of St George his very self.
And that was, inevitably, followed on Friday by St Ringo's Day.
And finally, dear blog reader, Monday is the second anniversary of the death of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's mother. The following day is the twenty fourth anniversary of my father's death. Barely a day goes by when this blogger doesn't think about them, often at the most unexpected of moments. So, thanks to Tommy and Lily, for providing me with a stable, warm and happy upbringing which Keith Telly Topping always appreciated even if he didn't always say so.
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's a quality bit of yer actual Dan La Sac and Scroobius Pip his very self. Slammin'.

So, dear blog reader, we've got this bloody general erection thing going down later this week. You might have noticed. To be fair, you could hardly miss it, it's been on the telly and everything. Anyway, this blogger's attitude towards politics and politicians remains broadly unchanged from what it was five years ago. No one - and I mean, no one - has been as critical of politicians of all stripes and their self-serving and actions and as cynical about their agenda-steeped motives as this blogger - All Politicians Are Scum and all that. It's one of this blogs mantras. And, yer actual Keith Telly Topping genuinely believes that. The irony is that until the middle of the last decade yer actual Keith Telly Topping was a pretty politically active chap and, certainly, liked to think of himself as uncyncial when it came to the political process. Bitter life experience changed all that. However, and this is a big however, yer actual Keith Telly Topping still urges every reader of this blog who is in the UK, who is old enough and who is registered to get themselves down to their local prefabricated polling station on Thursday and cast their vote for someone. Because, as I said five years ago, this is too important a subject to leave to everyone else. Plus, if you abdicate responsibility during a process then you have absolutely no moral right to complain about the outcome. The Russell Brand train of thought - 'I don't like any of 'em, so I'm not going to vote for them' - is an entirely valid stance to take and I understand those who feel strongly about it. But, only as far as the election in-and-of itself is concerned. Once it's over your protest, or apathy, or sense of disdain, has been registered. From that moment onwards anything that the government or the opposition does or says is nothing whatsoever to do with you since you didn't take part in the process that elected and/or rejected them. That's the price of democracy, unfortunately. Like the man once said, 'decisions are made by those who show up.' It might be a shitty system but, unless you prefer we have a crack at some form of dictatorship then it remains the best one we've got. This blogger loathes the vast majority of politicians - with a simmering passion - but I'm not blind to the realities of life. This - who, effectively, tells me what to do for the next five years - is far too important a subject to leave to other people. So what I'll do come Thursday is to think about the two or three issues which are most important to me (one of which, you'll not be surprised to learn is the potential future of the BBC and broadcasting policy in general), sit down with the manifestos and find the party which most closest represents what I want to see and, then I'll vote accordingly. I would encourage everyone reading this blog to do the same, no matter which party that is and what the issues are. If your primary concern is education, then find out which party most closely matches your priorities. Same with health. Or crime. Et cetera. This blogger take seriously the sacrifices that brave men and woman have made over the years to give me the right to vote in the first place - because, there are many places in the world where that right is not a given. Here endeth the lecture.

The Radio Times cover from the issue which announced the arrival of Peter Capaldi as The Doctor has been nominated as the Cover of the Year by the the Professional Publishers Association.They have listed the cover as one of ten nominated for the award. Radio Times was nominated last year for the cover celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of Doctor Who, but lost out to Metal Hammer when the results were announced. This year Radio Times faces competition from The Big Issue, Crumbs, GQ, ShortList, Country Life, Elle, n, Red and Time Out. The winner will be announced at the Grosvenor House Hotel on Park Lane on the evening of Thursday 9 July.
The very excellent David Schofield has been cast to appear in the forthcoming ninth series of Doctor Who. David, one of those great character actors that Britain produces by the bucketload and whose face is instantly recognisable to viewers even if his name isn't necessarily, is probably best known to dear blog readers for playing King Alined in the BBC fantasy drama Merlin. His other TV appearances include memorable - often villainous - roles in the likes of Footballers' Wives, Holby City, Jekyll & Hyde, Waking The Dead, The New Avengers, Kids, Our Friends In The North, Shackleton, Mr Wroe's Virgins, Band Of Gold, In Deep, Land Girls and, more recently, as Sergeant Foley in Hugo Blick's The Shadow Line. He can currently be seen in ITV's new drama Safe House. David's big-screen appearances include parts in An American Werewolf In London, The Last Of The Mohicans, Anna Karenina and Gladiator as well as playing as the sneering, Mercer in the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies. Doctor Who Magazine has revealed that David will appear as Odin in episodes five and six of the new series - The Girl Who Died and The Woman Who Lived - currently being filmed in Cardiff.

Yer actual Jemma Redgrave has been confirmed for an appearance in two further episodes in the upcoming series of Doctor Who. The actress made her début as The Brigadier's daughter, Kate Stewart, in The Power Of Three in 2012 and, since them, has also appeared in the fiftieth anniversary special The Day Of The Doctor and last year's series finale Death In Heaven. 'I'm here for the read-through of episodes seven and eight,' Jemma said on a video released by the BBC. 'I'm in Cardiff and really, really happy and thrilled because Kate Stewart is back.' Jemma was already announced as returning in series nine's opening double-header of The Magician's Apprentice and The Witch's Familiar.
BBC Worldwide have signed a deal to bring Doctor Who to the Indian channel FX. All eight post-2005 series of the popular, long-running BBC family SF drama will be screened starting 15 May 2015. The deal marks largest volume sale of the BBC series in India. FX is owned by Star India Private Limited and is available in a million homes across the country. Myleeta Aga, of BBC Worldwide in India said: 'This partnership marks a milestone for us. It will be the first time Whovians in India will be able to participate in the global Doctor Who phenomenon. And it is also the first time we’ve concluded a major deal with Star India. We've seen an increasing interest in British drama from our partners in the last twelve months or so. Viewers now recognise the originality of British drama, and this has caused a surge in interest in our drama series like Doctor Who. We are very glad to be working with Star India to bring this very iconic series (including series nine which is currently being filmed) to viewers in India.' Yeah. But, let me clue you up on this, Myleeta, no one with so much as an ounce of self-respect or dignity about them uses that hateful word 'Whovian'. Only glakes and Americans call themselves that.

Benedict Cumberbatch his very self has reportedly purchased a country home on the Isle of Wight. The Sherlock married Sophie Hunter at the Church of St Peter and St Paul, located on the island, in February. The couple's new estate is nearby the church, according to the Isle of Wight County Press. 'I've been on muddy fields and on horseback playing Richard III for the BBC and I've been on more flights to Los Angeles and back than I can count,' Benny told the Daily Scum Mail in February. 'All of that has been special, but I'm ready to have a couple of months to ourselves to prepare for the baby and do some nesting. It's a real-life role, not a part.'
Yer actual Christopher Eccleston's Safe House continued to top Monday's overnight ratings outside of soaps. The ITV thriller's second episode brought in 4.57m overnight punters at 9pm, losing around seven hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's series opener. Earlier, Wild Ireland interested 3.04m at 8pm. On BBC1, Evan Davis's interview with SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon - which, essentially consisted of 'hoots mon, jings and crivens it's oor oil, y'ken?' - was seen by 2.38m at 7.30pm, while Who Will Win The Election? (to which the answer is, the Tories, probably) followed with 2.19m at 8.30pm. The latest New Tricks repeat was watched by 2.57m at 9pm. BBC2's Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial continued with 1.28m at 8pm, before Inside Harley Street gathered 1.38m at 9pm and Jack Dee's Election Helpdesk had an audience of 1.15m at 10pm. The Secrets Of Sports Direct brought in 1.75m for Channel Four at 8pm, while Skint was watched by 1.26m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Police Interceptors had six hundred and thirty eight thousand at 8pm and Gotham's latest episode was watched by seven hundred and eighty nine thousand at 9pm. The latest Person Of Interest was seen by five hundred and sixty eight thousand at 10pm. Game Of Thrones brought in a fraction under one million punters for Sky Atlantic at 9pm.

Twenty Four Hours In The Past topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Tuesday. The first episode of the bizarre BBC1 history series - which saw six z-list celebrities including Anne Widdecombe and Zoe Lucker experience life in Victorian Britain - brought in 3.79m at 9pm. And, truly, it was breathtaking in its pointlessness. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial continued with 1.34m at 8pm, while Wastemen averaged 1.51m at 9pm. ITV's latest Midsomer Murders repeat had an audience of 2.28m between 8pm and 10pm. On Channel Four, Kirstie & Phil's Love It Or List It interested 1.89m at 8pm, while The Queen's Big Night Out gathered 1.67m at 9pm. Ballot Monkeys was watched by nine hundred and thirty thousand punters at 10pm. On Channel Five, Britain's Horror Homes was watched by 1.01m at 8pm, while Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! brought in eight hundred and ninety three thousand at 9pm. Killer Psychopaths gathered five hundred and thirty seven thousand viewers at 10pm. BBC3's Girls Behind Bars: Stacey Dooley In The USA was seen by five hundred and ninety six thousand at 9pm, while E4's Empire began with four hundred and forty thousand in the same time slot.
The return of Inspector George Gently topped Wednesday's overnight ratings. The BBC1 period crime drama's seventh series started with 5.85m at 8pm, while Peter Kay's Car Share followed with 5.68m at 9.30pmdespite having earlier been available through iPlayer. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial continued with 1.13m at 8pm - and continued to get right on this blogger's tit-end, to boot - while Nick & Margaret: The Trouble With Our Trains interested 1.02m at 9pm. Inside Number Nine averaged six hundred and eighty thousand punters at 10pm. ITV's wretched, risible, horrifyingly twee Amanda Holden-fronted flop Give A Pet A Home continued to shed viewers faster than most cats and dogs shed hair, falling to 2.33m at 8pm - which is still 2.33 million too many, frankly - while the staggeringly unoriginal Newzoids dropped to a staggeringly low 1.77m at 9pm. That was bad, but worse was to follow as The Delivery Man gathered a mere 1.10m at 9.30pm. That strangled cry you can hear, incidentally, is the sound of whoever came up with ITV's Wednesday night schedule having their knackers slammed in a vice. Channel Four's The Island With Bear Grylls continued with 2.14m at 9pm, while First Dates entertained 1.23m at 10pm. Channel Five's The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door attracted 1.15m at 8pm, before Autopsy brought in six hundred and seventy two thousand at 9pm and an old episode of CSI: Miami was seen by four hundred and sixty seven thousand at 10pm. Jane The Virgin's second episode brought in two hundred and fifty three thousand viewers on E4 at 9pm, while BBC3's Reggie Yates' Extreme Russia was watched by three hundred and forty seven thousand at 10pm.
Question Time's pre-erection 'special' (and, one used that word very loosely) topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Thursday. Oily snivelling coward David Cameron, stupid-faced smear Ed Milimolimandi and 'I'll say and do anything, including abandoning all of the principles I've ever held in a heartbeat for another sniff of the Big time' Nick Clegg's appearance on the debate show brought in 4.28m punters for BBC1 at 8pm. Most of whom couldn't believe their eyes. Although the bit where that bloke told Cameron he was spending too much on the NHS was, admittedly, quite funny. Later, Peter Kay's Car Share drew 4.15m at 9.30pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial continued with 1.27m at 8pm - will it never end? - before the opening episode of the period espionage drama The Game averaged 1.63m at 9pm. Quite good, it was too, albeit, a bit over-complicated in the plot department, but with a fine cast including Brian Cox (no, the other one), Tom Hughes, Sherlock's Jonathan Aris and Shaun Dooley. This blogger will probably stick with it for a while yet. W1A had 1.13m at 10pm. ITV's Tonight was watched by to 1.68m at 7.30pm, while Double Decker Driving School brought in 2.05m at 8.30pm on what was, soaps aside, another rotten night for ITV. That was demonstrated even further when Fraud Squad interested but 1.68m at 9pm. On Channel Four, The Supervet was seen by 1.36m at 8pm whilst The Island With Bear Grylls dipped slightly to 2.01m at 9pm but still managed to spank ITV's bare bum in the slot. The Body In The Freezer: Countdown To Murder was watched by six hundred and forty one thousand on Channel Five at 8pm, while The Hotel Inspector gathered nine hundred and thirty five at 9pm. The feature-length final episode of The Mentalist was watched by six hundred and eighty two thousand at 10pm - including this blogger who always rather enjoyed the series - and climaxed with Patrick and Theresa finally getting together after seven years of almost-but-not-quite. Good on 'em. Mad Men averaged a mere forty eight thousand for Sky Atlantic in the 9pm slot. Even less than ITV, which took some doing.
Have I Got News For You was Friday's highest-rated overnight programme outside of soaps. Hosted by Alexander Armstrong, the topical panel show attracted an average overnight audience of 4.07 million from 9pm. BBC1's evening began with 3.24 for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 3.11 million for A Question Of Sport at 7.30pm. A repeat of Wallace & Gromit: A Grand Day Out filled the void left by MasterChef at 8.35pm and had an audience of 2.12 million. Mrs Brown's Boys drew 2.88 million at 9.30pm, while The Graham Norton Show's overnight ratings were 2.72 million at 10.40pm. On ITV, Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis was seen by 2.36 million at 8pm, while Slow Train Through Africa With Griff Rhys Jones ha an audience of 2.05 million at 9pm. BBC2's evening was dominated by Live Snooker: The World Championship coverage from 6.30pm until 9pm. The event drew an average audience of 1.14 million and peaked with 1.44 million on two separate occasions. BBC2's evening continued with 1.63 million for The Natural World at 8pm, followed by 1.09 million for The Clare Balding Show. Gogglebox attracted an average audience of 2.99 million on Channel Four at 9pm. It was sandwiched between Marvel's Agents of SHIELD and Alan Carr: Chatty Man, which drew respective audiences of seven hundred thousand and 1.43 million. Secrets Of Great British Castles was seen by an increased audience of eight hundred and eighty nine thousand at 8pm on Channel Five. It was followed by eight hundred and forty six thousand for NCIS: New Orleans at 9pm and eight hundred and ninety one thousand for NCIS at 10pm. With an audience of six hundred and twenty two thousand from 8pm on ITV3, Midsomer Murders was among the most viewed multichannel shows.

Britain's Got Toilets continued to top Saturday's primetime television with more than 9.6 million overnight viewers. The ITV competition was watched by an audience of 9.62m from 8pm. Ninja Warrior UK attracted 4.69m earlier in the evening, whilst wretched, hopeless banal flop Play To The Whistle managed but 2.47m from 9.20pm despite much pre-publicity about some nonsense involving The Curiously Orange Christine Bleakley revealing her bloke's 'dirty habits'. Can't you two piss off to America any quicker? On BBC1, Pointless Celebrities was watched by 4.2m from 6.55pm. The latest episode of extremely cancelled drama Atlantis appealed to 2.32m, before The National Lottery: In It To Win It gathered a not-much-better 2.54m. Casualty was watched by 4.16m from 9.20pm. Match Of The Day drew an audience of a fraction under three million punters. In this yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved, (though unsellable and now, seemingly relegation-bound) Magpies 'surrendered before kick-off' against Leicester City. A shameful, gutless lack-of-performance in which a team composed of apparently spineless cowards and, if their soon-to-be-former head coach is to be believed, at least one deliberate saboteur, repaid their travelling support by, basically, not bothering to break sweat in 3-0 defeat. It's got to the point now, dear blog reader, where it's hard to even get angry about the sad, laughless fiasco of a football club that this blogger has supported for forty six years. In life, we probably get the football teams we deserve. Anyway, BBC2's coverage of the World Snooker Championship averaged 1.83m between 7pm and 10.30pm. On Channel Four, Men in Black II attracted nine hundred and thirty thousand from 8.15pm. Channel Five's latest CSI episode was seen by nine hundred and twenty three thousand. Sky Atlantic's The Following, which featured the death of a regular character, drew one hundred and five thousand punters.
The Enfield Haunting opened to over seven hundred and fifty thousand overnight viewers on Sky Living on Sunday, hugely above the channel's usual average for the slot. The Tim Spall-fronted supernatural thriller was the second most-watched broadcast on multichannels with seven hundred and fifty two thousand punters at 9pm. ITV's new Women's Institute drama Home Fires was watched by 4.82m at 9pm, whilst the much-anticipated Sheridan Smith drama The C-Word on BBC1 was seen by 3.79m at 8.30pm. Earlier in the evening, ITV's Celebrity Squares and Sunday Night At The Palladium spectacularly failed to entertain 1.77m and four million viewers respectively. Chances of poor Warwick Davis - a likeable chap stuck in a wretched format - getting another series of Celebrity Squares? Like Warwick himself, on the short side this blogger believes. As usual, Countryfile topped the night's ratings with 5.42m, while Antiques Roadshow collected 5.22m. On Channel Four, Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown returned with 1.09m at 9pm and Henning Wehn's An Immigrant's Guide To Britain pulled in seven hundred and eighty thousand non-UKiP voters from 10pm. Channel Five broadcast Legally Blonde to eight hundred and thirteen thousand at 7.10pm and Resident Evil: Afterlife to eight hundred and one thousand at 9pm. BBC2's Snooker World Championship coverage which took up the majority of the night, interested precisely no-one, not even the 1.95m sad, crushed victims of society who were watching two men hitting some coloured balls around a table, for money. Elsewhere, BBC3's showing of Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull had nine hundred and eighteen thousand from 8.05pm.


Yer actual Victoria Coren Mitchell her very self is taking a closer look at the history of bohemians for BBC4. And, why not? Three-part documentary series How To Be Bohemian With Victoria Coren Mitchell will journey from Nineteenth Century Paris to 1960s Soho and focus on influential bohemian figures like Oscar Wilde. Stephen Fry, Grayson Perry, Will Self, AA Gill, John Cooper Clarke, the Reverend Richard Coles, Maggi Hambling, Molly Parkin and performance artist Jonny Woo will all appear in the series. Victoria her very self said: 'Bohemians confuse me tremendously. I don't know whether to find them exciting and inspiring, or annoying and threatening. Possibly all four at once. From these mixed feelings, I know I must be a bourgeois.' Hell, if you're not, sweetheart, I don't know who is. 'But I've never been fully immersed in Bohemian circles before. I'll be interested to find out whether I end up running into their open-minded embrace, or running screaming away,' she continued. BBC4's channel editor Cassian Harrison added: 'How To Be Bohemian will look at the bohemian lifestyle of past and present – the weird and wonderful artists, writers and bon viveurs who defy convention and whose alternative lifestyles are often just as colourful as their art – and sometimes even more so. Victoria will bring viewers a series full of interesting facts delivered in her unique and sharp way.'
James May has suggested that he, Jezza Clarkson and Richard Hammond would have quit Top Gear after a final three-year deal before Clarkson's contract was not renewed. The presenter made the claim in his review of the two hundred and eight grand Ferrari 458 Speciale in The Sunday Times. Explaining why he was planning such an extravagant purchase, May said: 'There we were, all three of us, on the brink of a new three-year contract to make Top Gear, after which we would definitely chuck it in with dignity and hand the reins to a new generation, assuming we were still alive. There were a few details to resolve about time frames and other mundane stuff, but the groaning draft version of this document was actually sitting on my desk.' Earlier in the piece, May denied rumours that he, Clarkson and Hammond already have a new show lined-up for another broadcaster after they were photographed together last week and executive producer Andy Wilman resigned from Top Gear. 'Nobody yet knows what is going to happen in the future of Top Gear or its three former presenters,' he said. 'That is the honest truth, despite what you may have read elsewhere. No-one has even arrived at a definitive pronunciation of "fracas" yet, so what chance is there that we'd have rescued our careers?' May added that he, Clarkson and Hammond may be reunited on some future project, or they may go separate ways, or disappear from TV entirely. 'Whatever we do, it will be scrutinised ruthlessly,' he continued. 'Our fans feel betrayed and believe a spell has been broken. Our foes are rejoicing at the banality of our demise. If there's a hint of mediocrity in any future endeavour, both parties will feel vindicated. Even if Top Gear is revived in a new format with new hosts and isn't as successful as it once was, that'll be our fault. And if it's better, then we were overdue for retirement anyway.' May added: 'I accept that this is a bit of a hashtag 'first world problem', but I'm finding it quite difficult to handle. Humility is the key, I think, to coming out of this well.'

And, further to this, it was thenreported that James and Richard Hammond had been spotted together at the BBC's London offices. The presenting duo arrived at the building on Thursday and found time to pose for photos with fans.
Which was, immediately, followed a day later by news that James, Richard and Jezza Clarkson had been holding 'secret' talks. So secret that every national newspaper in the country knew about it, obviously. Jesus, has everybody taken the frigging Stupid Pills this week, or what?
Evil right-wing scumbags UKiP have, get this, whinged to the poliss over comments made about their hideous, nasty leader Nigel Farago on an episode of the BBC's topical news quiz Have I Got News For You. Cos, what's the point of being in politics if you can't go around bullying broadcasters and trying to have comedians locked up by The Filth for making you look small and twatty? On last Friday's episode, the journalist Camilla Long - who, to be fair, does seem rather full of her own importance but is, nevertheless, quite funny - made a series of claims about how often Farago had visited Thanet South, where he is standing for election. UKiP alleged that these comments broke a law which bans 'false statements' about candidates. Thankfully, Kent Police subsequently said that it would not be taking any action into this ridiculous allegation. Whether they also told UKiP to grow the fek up and stop wasting police time or they would be the ones having their collective collar felt is not, at this time, known. Long had visited the constituency for an article published in The Sunday Times last month. UKiP's Raheem Kassam whinged: 'Camilla Long made false statements about a candidate at this election. The BBC chose to air it. If this isn't a breach of Section 106 of the Representation of People Act then we don't know what is.' Well, seemingly you don't know what is then, Raheem me aud cock sparra. Kent Police said: 'It was suggested that the comments breached the Representation of the People Act. The matter has been reviewed by officers but there's no evidence of any offences and there will be no further action.' The law says that it is very illegal to make a 'false statement of fact in relation to the candidate's personal character or conduct' before or during an election. A BBC statement said Britain had 'a proud tradition of satire.' It added: 'Everyone knows that the contributors on Have I Got News For You regularly make jokes at the expense of politicians of all parties.'
BBC2 controller Kim Shillinglaw has signalled her intention to 'blow away' the channel's cobwebs, calling for more documentaries that 'grab you by the balls' for an audience she described as the 'punk' generation. The channel, which has become synonymous with cookery and craft shows - and Top Gear, to be fair - has just seen the average age of its audience rise above sixty for the first time. Shillinglaw called for more presenters with 'edge and attitude' and appeared to call time on 'straight cooking' shows despite the imminent return to the channel of Nigella Lawson (she has her knockers). The BBC executive, charged with reinventing Top Gear said that the channel required 'fresh ideas and renewal right across the landscape' of its schedule. Shillinglaw said: 'People often forget that if you are in your fifties or sixties you grew up with punk; you don't have an automatically staid view of the world. I don't think in terms of an actual age, I think more in terms of a mindset. That young-at-heart thing is very important to me.' Shillinglaw, the BBC's former science and natural history chief who took over BBC2 last year (and, infamously, said the channel should be 'showing its knickers a bit', called on documentary makers to 'put more emotion' into their films, pointing to Channel Four series such as Benefits Street and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. 'Whatever you thought about it as a series, Benefits Street had some moments that absolutely grabbed you by the balls.' Although, quite how Kim her very self had her own balls grabbed, she didn't elaborate. Perhaps that's just as well. 'We made a flawed but very interesting documentary called Meet The Ukippers which had some moments in it which just made your jaw drop,' she told a BAFTA event in London. Shillinglaw said she wanted BBC2's factual shows to be 'a little bit more contemporary. Life isn't just about bunting; we could do more to get closer to the national conversation.' There was praise for a variety of BBC2 presenters such as Stephen Fry, Brian Cox, Dara O Briain and Mary Beard who, she said, had 'attitude and irreverence' borne out of knowing their subject matter inside out. 'Cheeky irreverence is really important to me; it can't be surplus or cheap or unearned, it's got to be rooted,' she added. 'The reason why Mary Beard can crack a joke about Roman sex lives and, you know, penises, is because, you know what? She bloody knows her stuff about Rome.' The average age of BBC2's audience reached sixty last year - a year older than that of BBC1 - up from fifty eight three years earlier. Last week the channel unveiled a pottery spin-off of its biggest show, The Great British Bake Off, which switched to BBC1 last year. It was the latest in a long line of BBC2 talent contests including The Great British Menu, The Great Interior Design Challenge and The Big Allotment Challenge. Shillinglaw praised BBC2 comedies such as James Corden's rotten as a stinking swamp The Wrong Mans and the, only slightly, better Inside Number Nine but admitted in recent years on the channel 'there hasn't been something quite as close to capturing the moment if you like, as The Office or Absolutely Fabulous.' New BBC2 shows include Phone Shop Idol about the search for Britain’s best mobile phone salesman, Chinese School in which Chinese teachers attempt to turn around UK schools and Britain's Hardest Worker, about, you know, Britain's hardest worker. Basically. She said there was 'less appetite' for 'straight cooking' or 'chop and cook' shows but indicated that there was 'more potential' for travel documentaries to find the 'next turn of the wheel.' Asked about the difference between BBC2 and BBC4, which she also oversees, Shillinglaw said: 'BBC2 brings you the universe and BBC4 brings you the atom.'

Jessica Hynes has admitted she is 'disappointed' with the decision to axe the wretched Up The Women, calling the laughless BBC2 sitcom 'a special job.' So was a big fat floater this blogger shat into the netty last night after a particularly arse-rattling curry but, to be brutally honest dear blog reader, he doesn't want to have it hanging around stinking up the gaff. Anyway, the suffragette sitcom was extremely cancelled after two series - because it was shit and no one was watching it - with the channel voicing its desire to 'bring new comedy shows through.' Ideally, ones that are, you know, funny. 'I was disappointed, but at the same time grateful for having had a chance to do it,' Hynes - who created, wrote and starred in the show - whinged to the Digital Spy website. 'When you go through the process of development and commission and production, everything is very incremental. When it goes from a treatment idea to a script, that's a celebration - and then when you get a commission, that's a massive milestone. And then we got a series, and then we got commissioned for another series, so I'm very aware of the investment that the BBC put into it and I'm grateful for it. Of course, I'm sad that it's not going again, but that's their remit.'

From The North favourite yer actual Gillian Anderson, Paul Dano and Lily James are bringing Leo Tolstoy's novel War & Peace to life in a new mini-series. Lifetime, A+E and History will simulcast a limited series event in 2016 as part of a co-production with The Weinstein Co and the BBC, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Its international cast will also includes Jim Broadbent and Happy Valley's James Norton. This television version will condense elements of Tolstoy's 1869 novel about the Napoleonic army's invasion of Russia. Anthony Hopkins and Rupert Davies starred in a previous adaptation of War & Peace for the BBC in 1972.
Red Dwarf is set to return our screens with two new series which will begin shooting this autumn. The eleventh series of Red Dwarf is set to be broadcast on Dave in 2016, with a twelfth scheduled for 2017. Red Dwarf was originally shown for eight series on BBC2 between 1988 and 1999, before Dave revived the SF sitcom for a mini-series Back To Earth in 2009.

It was nice to see this week that the chap (or, lady chap) working on the music on Gotham is still inflicting his (or her) gloriously left-field punk/indie obsessions upon The Colonials. Previous examples have included cover versions of songs by Echo & The Bunnymen, Siouxsie & The Banshees and The Sex Pistols turning up in the US drama, whilst the latest episode - The Anvil Or The Hammer - featured a band at The Penguin's club playing a really spirited take on The Specials' 1979 classic 'Do the Dog'. Tasty.
If you've been watching the adverts between programmes - in this blogger's case, on the Discovery History channel - then you'll probably have spotted that Bombardier beer have replaced the late - and much lamented - Rik Mayall as the face of their, rather witty, adverts with Bob Mortimer. Bang on.
A rare interview with a very young Lalla Ward has been released on You Tube. Lalla was just fourteen when she was featured on the legendary BBC 'Yoof' programme A Whole Scene Going. First shown on the 9 March 1966, the film looks at the work of the teenage poet and artist. The item was directed by John Crome who uploaded the feature, which is missing from the BBC archives, to his own You Tube Channel.
Viewers are no stranger to seeing the odd naughty word or two crossing up on Countdown, but they probably weren't expecting the eight-letter word 'gobshite' to come from guest Myleene Klass. Although, to be fair, it is an apt one where Klass her very self is concerned. In an episode broadcast on Tuesday, the risible, full-of-her-own-importance Klass joined Susie Dent in Dictionary Corner and managed to offer up the word, beating the contestants who had managed the seven-letter 'ghosted'. It was hard not to love the cheeky grin on Rachel Riley's boat when she put the offending word up so viewers could see what a gobshite looks like.
Still not as good as the day somebody came up with 'erection', though.
And, speaking of erections, the lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal (and gobshite) Javid has accused the BBC of bias – calling one item 'very, very anti-Tory'– and said that the job of changing the way the press is regulated is 'done.' Warning that the upcoming BBC charter review would include an 'investigation into bias' - a clear and scummish example of bully boy thuggery - the vile and odious rascal (and cocksplash) Javid said in an interview with his vile right-wing louse mates at the Daily Scum Mail that Labour's commitment to 'revisit regulation' risks interfering with press freedom. So, no obvious - sick - agenda going down there, then. The comments come after the Tory minister had already indicated that the BBC's licence fee could be cut if the party returns to power. In comments made more than a week after Radio 4's flagship morning news show Today ended with a three-way debate in which the Scottish comedienne Rhona Cameron called the Tories 'a cancer', the vile and odious rascal (and gobshite) Javid said: 'Last week, listening to the Today programme, there was a debate, they were all anti-Tory. It came across as very, very anti-Tory.' And, the problem with that is, exactly? In words set to be greeted with sycophantic, arse-licking approval by the filth of humanity at the Scum Mail and many other parts of the press, Javid confirmed that the Tories had 'no plans' to change press regulation. After The Leveson Inquiry into standards, much of the industry rejected the idea of a Royal Charter. Instead, the Independent Press Standards Organisation started last September. Asked by the Scum Mail if the Tories would back a Leveson-approved regulator, he said:'“No, we won’t. But Labour will. It interferes with the freedom of the press. It goes fundamentally against one of the Leveson principles, which is independent self-regulation. I think we have achieved what we set out to do. Everyone accepted the old system, the Press Complaints Commission, didn't work. Our job is done as a government. It's up to the press.' A BBC spokesman said the corporation believed it had 'reported fairly and impartially on the policies of all parties.' Scum.

Former Newsnight presenter Jezza Paxman claims that he no longer watches the BBC2 programme which he used to front but has emerged as an unlikely fan of a different kind of programme – ITV's Saturday night dating fiasco Take Me Out. Paxo, who will front Channel Four's general erection night coverage, said that he had 'no second thoughts' about leaving Newsnight. 'I don't see Newsnight, I'm afraid. My idea of fun is to go to bed at 10.30 and read a book,' he told the Radio Times. Paxo said Russell Brand's suggestion that people should not vote in the erection was 'the position of an idiot' and added that he would not have a problem if voting was made compulsory in Britain as it is in, for example, Australia. Asked if he had seen ITV's reality show The Only Way Is Essex, Paxman said: 'I have. I didn't like it as much as I like Take Me Out, which I think is a fantastic show.' Which, it isn't. Asked whether he was serious about enjoying Take Me Out, fronted by professional Northern berk Paddy McGuinness, Paxo replied: 'I do!' and added that he had also seen Made In Chelsea. 'I don't like the people in it. It's probably a reflection on me, not them,' he said of the E4 show about socialites. Meanwhile Paxo refused to hit back after Andrew Marr's recent claim that Paxman's interview technique was 'disdainful' and 'contemptuous'. Marr called the rival broadcaster 'a genuinely tortured, angry individual' after Paxman interviewed David Cameron and Ed Milimolimandi for Channel Four in March. 'You are not the first person to try to get me to be rude about him and I'm not going to, I'm afraid,' Paxo said about his former BBC colleague. He joked that it was 'for others' to judge if he really was a tortured and angry individual. Which he is. He's quite funny, though. Paxman said of the general erection: 'I think it really matters. I've no sympathy whatsoever with people who say "I don't vote."' On the subject of Brand, who famously encouraged people not to vote during an interview with Paxman two years ago, Paxo added: 'I'm just astonished anyone would take that position seriously. It's the position of an idiot.' Paxman added: 'On the whole, I'm in favour of the state getting out of people's lives, but I would not have a problem with voting being made compulsory. But if you did that, you'd have to have a box for "none of the above."' He branded the choice at this erection as being 'between one man who was at primary school with Boris Johnson and one man who was at secondary school with him – both of whom did PPE at Oxford.'

Richard E Grant has joined forces with the BBC to mark the two hundredth anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo. The actor will star as the Duke of Wellington in the documentary Wellington: The Iron Duke Unmasked. On the role, Grant said: 'This is a part of European history that I've always wanted to know more about. It's been an honour to be able to play the Duke of Wellington in this dramatic retelling of his personal accounts. I'm thrilled the BBC is commemorating this important part of our history and that I could be a part of it.' The BBC added: 'This new documentary drama will look behind the iron mask and focus on the intriguing complexities of the Duke of Wellington - the man - his character, personality and relationships, told through his own words, and the words of those who knew him best. General, politician, lover, outsider – the programme discovers that the hero of Waterloo was far more complex than his public image.' Sir Arthur Wellesley, the first Marquess of Wellington KG, GCB, GCH, PC, FRS (1769–1852) was, of course, responsible for more dead Frenchman than anyone else and, therefore, was quite a great chap. Previous fictional portrayals of Nosey have included John Malkovich (in Lines Of Wellington), Julian Glover (in The Young Victoria), David Troughton and Hugh Fraser (in Sharpe), Stephen Fry (magnificently, in Blackadder The Third and Sabotage!), Bernard Archard (in The Iron Duke), Tom Bell (in Blue Peter: Special Assignment), Christopher Plummer (in Waterloo), Laurence Olivier (in Lady Caroline Lamb), C Aubrey Smith (in Sixty Glorious Years) and George Arliss (in The Iron Duke). Wellington: The Iron Duke Unmasked will be broadcast on Sunday 10 May at 9pm on BBC2.

Yer actual Arthur Darvill and Richard Wilson have joined BBC1's Danny & The Human Zoo, the fictionalised account of Lenny Henry's life as a teenager. Kascion Franklin is playing the titular Danny, while Henry his very self - who also wrote the script - will portray Danny's father, Samson. Cecilia Noble plays Danny's mother, Myrtle. Former Doctor Who and Broadchurch actor Arty has been announced as the character of Jonesy, Danny's first manager, with Wilson signed on to the part of James Broughton. Mark Benton also joins the cast as local entertainer Syd Bolton. Danny & The Human Zoo follows the ups and downs of Danny's emerging career after he wins a talent competition at a local club. Working the comedy circuit, Danny eventually hits the big time on television, but is taken advantage of by his unscrupulous manager. 'I can't believe that we're finally shooting my screenplay, said Henry. Who was last funny, briefly, in about 1983. 'This is a fantasy memoir of the first two years of my career - my beginnings, working on The Zoo, working men's clubs and all that stuff that happened to me in the mid-1970s - but crammed into ninety minutes. The script took about three years with the help of Nicola Shindler and Caroline Hollick at RED Productions, and now we're going to make it in Dudley, led by a wonderful director - Destiny Ekaragha. There's an incredibly talented cast, and I feel very lucky to be part of it all.'

Timothy Spall has revealed that he originally turned down The Enfield Haunting because he found it 'too disturbing.' The actor plays paranormal investigator Maurice Grosse in the Sky Living drama, which is based on events that took place at a house in Enfield in 1977. Speaking to the Digital Spy website, Spall said that it was the story's 'other complexities' that later attracted him to star in the project. 'What I take from whether something's good or not is the first read, and I have to say that when I first read it, I was terrified,' he said. 'I was actually a bit disturbed by it. It's quite an achievement where you're just sitting reading, and I don't want to sound self-indulgent, but I read quite a lot of scripts. So when you're reading and you get the hairs go up on the back of the neck [it's impressive]. In fact, I read it and I turned it down, I didn't want to go anywhere near that! I was very tired and exhausted when I read it, the wrong antennae were out. When I read it again, I read it not on the scary side, the actual manifestations, but the connections between the people in it. What was very intriguing was the connection between my character and the young girl and his grief. All these energies come together and it was the emotional depth of thing that interested me and I think that's what sustains the piece more than just a horror story.' Juliet Stevenson, Matthew Macfadyen, Rosie Cavaliero and Eleanor Worthington-Cox also star in the three-part drama on Sky Living.
Cancerous and toxic self-styled controversialist Katie Hopkins's alleged plans to become The Next Big Chat Show Host have, reportedly, been thwarted due to a lack of interest.
The horrifying self-publicist and waste-of-oxygen was reported in several media outlets to be 'working on a chat show format' with the channel TLC. So, you know, not a real channel then. However, it has now been claimed that when producers went on the hunt for z-list celebrity guests, no one signed up. Not even any of the cast of The Only Way Is Essex. Blimey, that's rough. An alleged 'source' allegedly told the Mirra: 'They can't find anyone who wants to go on it. She is too controversial. Too nasty. The bottom line is, no one likes her. Why would you want to go and speak to her?' Good question. Although, to be fair, the same could also be asked about former - extremely sacked - Mirra editor oily Piers Morgan and his chat show has been a resounding ... ah, yes. Suddenly, I see their point.
Stroppy Robert Downey Junior has spoken for the first time about walking out of a TV interview earlier this month. Interviewed by American DJ Howard Stern, the actor described Channel Four News's Krishnan Guru-Murthy as 'a bottom-feeding muckraker' for bringing up his past problems with drugs. The actor said that he had been 'promoting a superhero movie' and suggested his interviewer had 'a creepy dark agenda.' Guru-Murthy himself has insisted that he had 'no particular agenda' - although, if that's true it would be the first time in recorded history that a piece has gone out on Channel Four News which hasn't been soaked in an agenda that their nasty Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star-reading audience have come to expect. Writing in - of course - the Gruniad Morning Star, the broadcaster claimed that Downey Junior's PR man had been 'informed' that the actor's 'recovery from jail and drug abuse' would be brought up during the interview. 'We don't do promotional interviews on Channel Four News,' Guru-Murthy wrote. 'We agree with PR people that as well as talking about a new movie for a while we want to ask wider ranging questions on relatively serious topics,' Guru-Murthy claimed. Downey Junior, however, said that Guru-Murthy had been 'weirding [him] out' with his 'weirdo' line of questioning in his 'first interview of the day.' He said that he now wished he had left the interview sooner and suggested Guru-Murthy had violated 'social decorum' by scrutinising him 'like a kiddie-fiddler who's running for mayor.' Downey Junior said that he needed 'to distance myself from this clown. Otherwise, I'm probably going to put hands on somebody and then there's a real story,' he added. Ooo, now there's a programme idea for Channel Four - Do A Clarkson On Guru-Murthy - where z-list celebrities have a geet rive-on with the smug, full-of-his-own-importance news anchor and biff him, hard, in the mush. Perhaps for a small prize for the one that punches the hardest. This is, after all, the channel which commissioned the Twenty First Century equivalent of bear-baiting, Benefits Street. Guru-Murthy previously clashed with movie director Quentin Tarantino, who bridled when asked to discuss the violence in his film Django Unchained. 'I know he pulled the same garbage on Tarantino, and Tarantino stayed in his chair and lit him up for five minutes,' said Downey Junior of that 2013 encounter. 'I'm a fifty-year-old guy, I used fancy words and yet I'm completely unevolved when it comes down to simple boundaries.'

There's a fascinating piece by Billy Mills in the Gruniad this week on James Joyce's Finnegans Wake. Which, if you've never read it ... don't worry, neither have the vast majority of those who claim to have. Mostly, they just live and love and laugh and leave. What? What?! Brilliant book to read when you're bombed off your face on vodka, mind.
Sky will drop one of its two Sky Arts channels, home to the drama A Young Doctor’s Notebook and the Playhouse Presents series later this year. Part of a shake-up of the broadcaster's channels from 9 June that will also see the axing of Sky 3D, the two channels will be replaced by a single 'super channel' moved higher up Sky's electronic programme guide in a bid to boost audiences and reduce repeats. The channel, home to shows including Portrait Artist Of The Year and Melvyn Bragg's The South Bank Show, alongside its classical, opera and rock music output, will be given a ten percent budget boost as part of the changes. Phil Edgar-Jones, head of Sky Arts, who took over the network a year ago, said that it was 'a massive win' for the channel which will move up from the fourth to the third page of the Sky EPG in the slot currently occupied by Sky2. 'I have argued for quite a long time we should have one Sky Arts channel not two. I didn't see the sense when we can do one super channel effectively,' he told the Gruniad Morning Star. He added that none of the current output would be dropped. 'That's the beauty of this, we are repeating less, structuring the week differently,' said Edgar-Jones, who previously oversaw Big Brother for Channel Four. 'Being on page three [of the EPG] we'll have more eyeballs, footfall. It is hard to predict exactly [how audiences will increase], but up to thirty per cent,' he added. Sky Arts is also creating an on-demand platform, which will have a prominent logo, and signposts to 'library' collections of opera and ballet through to heavy metal. 'I think it is true when it comes to the arts, most people don't like all the arts, so a Johnny Cash fan isn't, necessarily, a fan of the Globe Theatre productions,' said Edgar-Jones. 'People tend not to sit on the channel and watch everything. They cherry-pick the genre they are enthusiastic about.' Edgar-Jones said that the TV landscape has changed since Sky Arts launched a second channel in 2008, one to focus on more popular contemporary art including rock concerts and the second on classical music and opera. 'We can put that all in one place quite easily because of the on-demand offering. The perception, when I started, was that the older audience wasn't taking up on-demand as swiftly as the younger audience, but that turns out in our research not to be true.' Sky Arts, the Gruniadsneers, 'appeals to relatively upmarket ABC1 viewers aged typically between forty five and fifty five,' skewing towards male viewers who make up fifty five per cent of the audience, attracted by the vintage rock performances of Cream, The Who, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones et cetra. That's certainly the sole reason yer actual Keith Telly Topping - who fits the gender and age profile for the average Sky Arts viewer is not, in the slightest, any of this ABC bollocks; I am not a letter, I am a free man - watches Sky Arts. The programme budget is currently estimated to be upwards of eight million smackers a year, with a monthly reach of about seven million viewers. However, audiences for individual shows remain a fraction of those to the mainstream channels, with primetime shows regularly watched by fewer than ten thousand overnight punters. Its most popular shows, such as the Playhouse series, can attract about one hundred thousand viewers. But, they usually don't. The new schedule is also being streamlined, with each day of the week having a particular theme: the most popular strand, Portrait Artist/Landscape Artist Of The Year, will run on Tuesday, designated factual entertainment night. Music and concerts, including violinist André Rieu, and festivals, will still dominate on Saturday and Sundays. The relaunch in June will kick-off with a new talent show, Guitar Star and 'a sex season' - cor! - later in the summer will include a BalletBoyz production themed on The Kama Sutra. Edgar-Jones describes it as 'quite startling.' Sky Arts has gone through a series of changes since it was launched in 2000 as the subscription Arts World channel with backing from the Gruniad Morning Star Media Group. BSkyB stepped in to take a fifty per cent stake in 2003 and took full control two years later rechristening it Sky Arts.

The ventriloquist and entertainer Keith Harris, famous for his puppet companion Orville the Duck, has died from cancer, aged sixty seven. The entertainer, who hosted The Keith Harris Show on BBC1 and also voiced Cuddles the Monkey, had a showbusiness career which spanned fifty years. Harris, who performed at birthday parties for the young princes William and Harry, had a top ten chart hit at the peak of his popularity in 1982 with the wretched 'Orville's Song'. But, you know, let's not hold that against him. No, hang on, on second thoughts, lets. God, it was bad. Anyway, Keith first announced that he had cancer last April. His agent, Robert C Kelly, told the Press Association that Harris had become ill again in January after first being diagnosed in 2013. 'I spoke to Keith most days, whether we had business to do or not. I think I laughed every single time we spoke,' Kelly said. 'Keith was not only a technically great ventriloquist, he was also a gifted mimic and an extraordinarily funny man both on stage and off. Perhaps even rarer than that in showbiz, he was a thoroughly decent man, a great friend and a wonderful father and husband.' Harris - seen right with Orville and with a member of the Telly Topping family at a charity event in 2006 (Graeme Telly Topping is the one not wearing a nappy) - had three children, Skye, Kitty, and Shenton and had been married four times. Kelly said that Keith spent his last months 'at his second home in Portugal, taking walks along the Blackpool seafront and sitting in the park eating ice-cream and watching the world go by.' Born in Lyndhurst, Hampshire in 1947 and later moving to Chester, Keith said that he had loved performing with puppets since the age of three, acting as dummy for his ventriloquist father, Norman. His BBC1 show ran for eight years from 1982, after successful appearances on a number of TV variety and children's shows. After appearing in summer seasons at holiday resorts Keith had spots on the television series Let's Laugh (1965). He became a popular act on variety shows and, following a spell as the host of The Black & White Minstrel Show, was given his own first format, Cuddles & Company. He also appeared several times on the BBC's long-running The Good Old Days. Harris' best known creation, Orville, came about after he reportedly saw some green fur lying around backstage at a performance of The Black & White Minstrel Show in Bristol. Orville was known for his child-like innocence, enduring constant jibes from Cuddles whose catchphrase was 'I hate that duck'. It was followed by The Quack Chat Show in 1990. Depressed by the cancellation of his show, Keith suffered from money troubles towards the end of his career, blaming his lack of reading ability for having signed unfavourable contracts. He once claimed that his dyslexia had cost him seven million quid. Having lost his TV show, he performed at Butlin's holiday camps, took on pantomime roles and appeared on Celebrity Big Brother. He appeared as a guest star in Harry Hill's TV Burp, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Trisha, Banzai - on which he was the winner of the Man Monster Petrol Pump Off Puzzle - and The Weakest Link. This, combined with work entertaining in the clubs, in pantomime and at holiday camps around the country, as well as starring in a commercial for Surf soap powder, enabled him to become solvent again. In 2002, Keith was the subject of the Louis Theroux documentary, When Louis Met ... Keith Harris. Keith later said that he and Theroux had become friends during the course of filming, although they lost contact when Theroux went back to the US for his next projects. Harris also starred in the children's programme The Slammer and was among the all-star line up in Peter Kay and Tony Christie's music video for 'Is This The Way To Amarillo?' In 2005, Keith and Orville won the Five reality show The Farm. As a result, Keith became an auctioneer on the shopping channel Bid TV until 2006 and he made a cameo appearance with Orville on Al Murray's Happy Hour on ITV. He also toured with an adult version of his puppet show, Duck Off. But, he reportedly refused to appear on Ricky Gervais'Extras in 2006, distressed at the proposed portrayal of his character. 'He wanted me to be a racist bigot,' Keith told the Independent. 'I read the script and thought, this isn't clever writing, it's pure filth. I turned it down. I'm not that desperate.' And, he lamented the lack of his brand of gentle, child-friendly comedy on modern television. 'There's nothing for kids to laugh at now,' he told the Daily Scum Mail. 'I thought I could do a TV show with Cuddles and Orville that teaches children manners. But the TV people don't like to back an old horse. They say, "I don't think it's what we want any more."' Keith had an operation on his cancerous spleen and was told he had a year to live in 2013, but was apparently given the all-clear in May 2014 after months of chemotherapy. But his illness returned and he was told the cancer had spread to his liver, giving him no chance for further treatment. He is survived by his fourth wife, Sarah, and his three children.

Jack Ely, the lead singer of The Kingsmen has died at the age of seventy one. His son, Sean Ely, said that the musician died at home in Redmond, Oregon, after a long battle with ill health. 'Because of his religious beliefs, we're not even sure what [the illness] was,' he said. Ely's incoherent singing on 'Louie Louie' (1963) reportedly led the FBI to investigate the famous song on the grounds that it 'might be obscene.' The law enforcement agents ultimately concluded, in a lengthy investigative report, that the song was 'unintelligible at any speed.' And, a hugely influential garage-band masterpiece on which numerous bands based entire careers. Ely had a falling out with the band shortly after the song was recorded and later trained horses in Oregon. 'Louie Louie' was originally recorded in 1957 by Richard Berry, who had written it two years earlier and had also been covered by dozens of other bands - including The Kinks. The song is written from the perspective of a man who wants to sail to Jamaica to return to a girl he loves. Or, something. But it was Ely's crazed rendition which popularised the song. His son said: 'Right out of his mouth, my father would say, "We were initially just going to record the song as an instrumental and, at the last minute, I decided I'd sing it. It's all of this is in a ten-by-ten room with one microphone. I'm standing on my tippy toes yelling into the microphone: Louie Louie! Louie Louie! We gotta go!"' The sound engineer working on the song raised the studio microphone to several feet above Ely's head and placed him in the middle of the group of musicians to create a better 'live' feel' for the recording. The result was that Ely - who was just twenty at the time - had to shout as loudly as he could to be heard over the drums, bass and guitar. It might not have helped, either, that Ely was wearing teeth braces at the time, although he maintained that the main problem was trying to sing with his head tilted back at a forty five-degree angle. The song has been widely recognised by organisations including the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and the Grammy Hall of Fame for its influence on the history of rock and roll is one of the most covered in rock and roll history. If you've never heard The Clash's version, you haven't lived. Ely (second from the left on this 1963 photo) co-founded The Kingsmen in 1959 as, primarily, a covers band. Four years later, the group recorded 'Louie Louie' as their second single for the local Jerden label. In 1962, while playing a gig at the Pypo Club in Seaside, Oregon, the band noticed Rockin' Robin Roberts's version of 'Louie Louie' being played on the jukebox for hours on end. The entire club would get up and dance. Ely convinced The Kingsmen to learn the song, which they then played at dances to a great crowd response. After Ely left, The Kingsmen had some other hits - 'Money' and 'The Jolly Green Giant'. However, Ely was content with his legacy as a one-hit wonder, according to his son. 'He wanted to try on different occasions to pursue other endeavours in the music industry, but I think when it was all done and said he was pretty happy that he did 'Louie Louie'.'

And, Ben E King, best known for the R&B classic 'Stand By Me', has died at the age of seventy six. King started his career in the late 1950s as a member of The Drifters, singing hits including 'There Goes My Baby', 'This Magic Moment' and 'Save The Last Dance For Me'. After going solo, he recorded 'Stand By Me' in 1961. A huge transatlantic hit at the time, it returned to the charts in the 1980s following its use in the film of the same name and on a TV commercial. King's other hits included 'Spanish Harlem', 'Amor', 'Don't Play That Song (You Lied)' and 'Supernatural Thing'. The singer died on Thursday, his publicist Phil Brown said. Born Benjamin Earl Nelson in in September 1938 in Henderson, North Carolina, Ben initially joined the doo-wop group The Five Crowns, who later became The Drifters after that group's manager fired the band's previous members and recruited Charlie Thomson, Dock Green, Beary Hobbs and James Clark to sing with King. Ben co-wrote and sang on the band's first hit single 'There Goes My Baby', which reached number two in the US in 1959. But -despite further hit singles and regular sell-out tours - the group members were paid just one hundred dollar per week by their manager and, after a request for a pay rise was turned down, the singer decided to go it alone in 1960. In the process, he adopted the surname King. His first solo hit, in 1961, was 'Spanish Harlem', which was followed by 'Stand By Me'. He originally intended 'Stand By Me' for The Drifters, but said that they turned it down. So he worked on the song when Atlantic Records boss Ahmet Ertegun paired him with the writers Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller. 'In my vocal I think you can hear something of my earlier times when I'd sing in subway halls for the echo and perform doo-wop on street corners,' he told the Gruniad Morning Star in 2013. 'But I had a lot of influences, too - singers like Sam Cooke, Brook Benton and Roy Hamilton. The song's success lay in the way Leiber and Stoller took chances, though, borrowing from symphonic scores, and we had a brilliant string arranger.' The song went on to chart nine times on the US Billboard hot hundred - King's version twice and seven times with covers by artists including alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie John Lennon and Spyder Turner. It was also the fourth most-played song of the Twentieth Century on US radio and TV. Earlier this year, the US Library of Congress added it to the National Recording Registry, declaring that 'it was King's incandescent vocal that made it a classic.''Stand By Me', 'Spanish Harlem' and 'There Goes My Baby' were all named on the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame's list of five hundred Songs that 'Shaped Rock & Roll', and were all given a Grammy Hall of Fame Award. Ben continued to tour and, in the mid-1970s, Ertegun was so impressed by one of his shows in Miami that he decided to re-sign him to Atlantic. That led to a return to the charts with the funky 'Supernatural Thing' in 1975. King returned to the spotlight again in the late 1980s when 'Stand By Me' was the theme song for Rob Reiner's film about boyhood friendship and was used in a British TV commercial for Levi's jeans. He also established the Ben E King Stand By Me Foundation, a charity that says it 'helps deserving youths working to further their education and to assist various civic organisations and associations in their efforts to improve the quality of life of their constituents.' He is survived by his wife, Betty, three children and six grandchildren.

Crime author Ruth Rendell has died aged eighty five. She wrote more than sixty novels in a career spanning over fifty years, her best-known creation being Inspector Reg Wexford, which was turned into a highly successful ITV series, Ruth Rendell Mysteries. Born in Essex, she is credited with bringing a social and psychological dimension to crime fiction. Her first Wexford book, From Doon With Death, was published in 1964, beginning a series of more than twenty starring Inspector Wexford, played excellently in the TV series by the late George Baker. Most of them were terrific, this blogger's particular favourite being 1973's Some Lie & Some Die. One of Britain's best selling contemporary authors, many of her works were translated into more than twenty languages and adapted for cinema and TV, attracting worldwide sales in excess of sixty million. She was also the author of more than twenty standalone novels, whose protagonists were often on the margins of society. She also wrote several thrillers using the pen-name Barbara Vine, delving into the psychology of both criminals and victims, often mentally afflicted or socially isolated. These included A Dark-Adapted Eye (1986). 'Ruth and Barbara are two aspects of me,' she once wrote. 'Ruth is tougher, colder, more analytical, possibly more aggressive. Barbara is more feminine. For a long time I have wanted Barbara to have a voice as well as Ruth. It would be a softer voice, speaking at a slower pace, more sensitive perhaps, and more intuitive.' Whether writing as Rendell or Vine, she became noted for her blend of elegant prose, cogent plots, believable characters and insights into the human psyche. From the 1960s onwards, she also reflected fast-moving social changes, raising awareness of such issues as the status of women and domestic violence. Her last published novel was The Girl Next Door (2014) but, saying she had no plans to retire, she had recently finished another. 'If I were to stop writing, which I will not do, I would hate it. I don't know what my life would be like without my writing. It's very important to me.' Her final novel, Dark Corners, is due to be published in October. A lifelong socialist, she was appointed to a seat in the House of Lords in 1997 as a Labour life peer, attending most days of the week and campaigning on such issues as female genital mutilation, homelessness and gay rights. She was a close friend with the Conservative peer and fellow crime writer PD James, who died last November. Ruth was born Ruth Barbara Grasemann in 1930 in South Woodford to an English father, Arthur Grasemann and a Swedish-born mother, Ebba Kruse, both of whom were teachers. Often holidaying in Sweden and Denmark, Ruth learned both languages as well as English. Her mother developed multiple sclerosis and died when Ruth was a child. The young Ruth attended the Loughton High School for Girls. Sensing that words might be her vocation, she landed a job as a cub reporter on the local paper, the West Essex Gazette and was later as a feature writer for another Essex paper, the Chigwell Times. She was forced to resign after filing a story about a local sports club dinner without actually attending. Her report failed to mention that the after-dinner speaker had died halfway through his speech. Appointed a CBE in 1996 and made life peer the following year, she took the title Baroness Rendell of Babergh (in the County of Suffolk) and used her favourite animals - polar bears - on the coat of arms of her formal Lords attire. She was active in the CND during the 1980s and her massive royalties allowed her to become one of the Labour party's biggest private financial donors. But she also gave freely to charity, with donations estimated at one hundred thousand smackers a year, including to children in Darfur. Baroness Rendell had lived her latter years in Maida Vale and in a cottage in Groton, Suffolk. She had been hospitalised in January after a major stroke. The author married the journalist Don Rendell in 1953. The couple divorced twenty two years later but then remarried within two years. Don died in 1999. Ruth is survived by her son, Simon, who lives in Colorado, and her grandchildren Philip and Graham, both students in the United States.

Mark Ronson's highly derivative disco hit 'Uptown Funk' has gained another five writers after The Gap Band's 1979 funk classic 'Oops Up Side Your Head' were, belatedly, added to the song's writing credits. The Gap band members, the brothers Charlie, Robert and Ronnie Wilson, along with keyboardist Rudolph Taylor and producer Lonnie Simmons, were added in the wake of a copyright claim put forth by publisher Minder Music. It follows the high-profile legal battle that saw Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams ordered to pay more than seven million dollars to Marvin Gaye's family over similarities between 'Blurred Lines' and Gaye's 1977 hit 'Got To Give It Up'. The bigger the headache, the bigger the pill, the bigger the doctor, the bigger the bill. And that.
An international team, including battlefield archaeologists from the University of Glasgow, have started a substantial dig on the site of the Waterloo battlefield. The team has chosen a site near Hougoumont Farm ahead of the bicentenary of the battle in June. It is thought there is a mass grave of soldiers located there or very near there. Some of the team are members of the armed forces and veterans who have experienced trauma during service. They are part of a project called Operation Nightingale, which encourages armed forces personnel to work alongside experienced archaeologists to help their recovery. During the battle, thousands of Napoleon's troops attacked the farm, which was held by British forces - chiefly members of the Coldstream Guards and the second and third Foot Guards. There was a fierce melee and the British managed to close the gate on the French troops streaming in. The Frenchmen trapped in the courtyard were all very killed. Only a young drummer boy was spared. Napoleon's forces were eventually defeated and there were tens of thousands of casualties. The French dictator was subsequently exiled to the island of Saint Helena, where he died in 1821. Tony Pollard, director of the Centre of Battlefield Archaeology at the university, said that the work would answer many questions that still hang over the site as, he says, many first-hand accounts of the battle are confusing and biased. Although Bernard Cornwall's novel Sharpe's Waterloo is a damned good starting point for anybody interested in what went on there.
Later the same month, there will also be an archaeological dig at Brighton at the site of ABBA's 1974 Eurovision win. Oh yes.

The Mercury probe Messenger's mission has finally come to a close, with the spacecraft hurtling into the planet's surface at a speed of eight thousand seven hundred miles per hours on Thursday. As it plummeted, having used the last of its fuel to position itself into the gravitational pull of Mercury, the probe still continued to take photographs of the planet's surface. The final image transmitted back to Earth was of the floor of the fifty eight-mile-wide Jokai crater. Messenger's impact would have created a small crater of its own, estimated to be about fifty feet in diameter. The probe, which was originally planned for a one-year mission, was launched on 3 August 2004, reaching Mercury's orbit in March 2011. It then went on to spend the next four years studying the planet in an unprecedented level of detail, quadrupling its expected mission length. 'Going out with a bang as it impacts the surface of Mercury, we are celebrating Messenger as more than a successful mission,' said John Grunsfeld, the associate administrator for NASA's Science Mission Directorate in Washington. 'The Messenger mission will continue to provide scientists with a bonanza of new results as we begin the next phase of this mission, analysing the exciting data already in the archives, and unravelling the mysteries of Mercury.' The impact occurred on the far side of Mercury, so NASA scientists were unable to observe it directly. Instead, the impact was confirmed at the time the probe was due to reappear from behind the planet twenty minutes later. In addition, the NASA Deep Space Network Radio Science team independently confirmed the loss of a signal from Messenger. One of Messenger's last images, transmitted the day before impact showed a region some one hundred miles south of the centre of the Mansart crater. The probe's important discoveries include the surface composition of Mercury, its geological history, its polar ice deposits and that its magnetic field is offset from the planet's centre. 'Today we bid a fond farewell to one of the most resilient and accomplished spacecraft to ever explore our neighbouring planets,' said Sean Solomon, Messenger's principal investigator and director of Columbia University's Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory in Palisades, New York. 'A resourceful and committed team of engineers, mission operators, scientists, and managers can be extremely proud that the Messenger mission has surpassed all expectations and delivered a stunningly long list of discoveries that have changed our views, not only of one of Earth's sibling planets, but of the entire inner solar system.'

Bill Bailey has revealed he plans to hold a special show in Cumbria to raise money for the county's mountain rescue teams after his beloved dog was saved from danger in the Lake District. Bill says that he is doing the gig to say thank you to the brave rescuers who brought his four-year-old rescue dog, Tiger to safety. The comedian was out walking near Buttermere with wife, Kris, eleven-year-old son Dax, two friends and their pet, when the greyhound dingo cross ended up stranded. Bill said he doesn't quite know what frightened his pet leading to him being stranded on a steep ledge, but without members of Cockermouth Mountain Rescue Team 'anything could've happened.' Now, as a way of repaying the efforts of the rescuers and their peers across the county Bill plans to return to Cumbria to host a special event. 'Hopefully, it's my intention, and this stage we are in discussions, to do a show in the area to raise money for them,' he told the local News & Star newspaper. 'I will be making a donation and I urge others to do the same. They did such a fantastic job, I was very impressed with them and their operation. I am very grateful to them for responding the way they did. I was very happy with the outcome, they were brilliant. I thought trying to carry a reluctant dog on my shoulders along that terrain would end up in us being hurt.' Once the rescue mission was complete Bill was taken on a tour of their rescue centre in Cockermouth. 'I was very impressed with the way they use technology to sync with the emergency services. If you think of the amount of people who visit the Lakes each year, knowing that operation is in place, I would say everyone is in good hands,' he said. 'That doesn't mean you can go out ill-prepared but if something does happen then you're in the best hands possible.' Bill and his family have been regular visitors to the Lake District for around twenty years and especially like the Buttermere area. He is due to bring his Limboland tour to Cumbria later this year when he performs at Carlisle's Sands Centre on 26 November. Mike Park, the team leader of Cockermouth Mountain Rescue Team, said he was 'delighted' that the comedian plans to raise funds for the county's teams. 'It's absolutely brilliant that he understands how we are set up as a charity and voluntary organisation,' he said. 'We need donations to survive and if Bill is going to help move that on then that's fantastic. We are very happy. I'm pleased that it will support mountain rescue teams in Cumbria because although it was us that rescued him he could've been in anyone else's area. We really appreciate what he's doing.'

So, for the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's a message for Thursday from the Clint Eastwood and General Saint party. Erie, erie.

Let's start with some good news before we get onto the black, swirling despair and misery. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat is undoing one of Doctor Who's cruellest twists by bringing Osgood (Ingrid Oliver) back from the dead. This is good news. This blogger likes this news. The popular asthmatic UNIT scientist will return for a new two-part adventure, alongside the previously announced return of her boss, Kate Stewart (Jemma Redgrave). Osgood last featured in series eight's finale, Death In Heaven and was, seemingly, very killed by the maniacal Missy. Unless that was her Zygon duplicate, of course. But, perhaps I've said too much. Away, also returning to Doctor Who are The Zygons their very selves, the shape-shifting aliens first introduced to the long-running family SF drama in 1975 and last featured in 2013's fiftieth anniversary special, The Day Of The Doctor. Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other God Before He) had previously expressed his desire to bring back The Zygons, following their reappearance. Of Osgood's own return, he said: 'Osgood is back, fresh from her recent murder at the end of last series. We recently confirmed that Osgood was definitely dead and not returning - but in a show about time travel, anything can happen. The brilliant Ingrid Oliver is back in action. This time though, can The Doctor trust his number one fan?' Hopefully, she'll get a first name this time as well. Written by Peter Harness - who scripted Kill The Moon for series eight, which went down like rattlesnakes piss with some fans but which yer actual Keith Telly Topping thought was bloody great - the new two-parter will feature a guest cast including Jaye Griffiths, Cleopatra Dickens, Sasha Dickens, Abhishek Singh, Todd Kramer, Jill Winternitz, Nicholas Asbury, Jack Parker and Aidan Cook.
Sunday, according to lots of places on the Interweb, saw the great Terrance Dicks celebrate his eightieth birthday. Arguably the most prolific contributor to Doctor Who, as well as being script editor in the Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee eras Terrance also wrote a number of memorable adventures for the series, including both the introductory story, Robot, for Tom Baker in 1974 and the series' twentieth anniversary celebration, The Five Doctors in 1983. His Target novelisations accounted for over sixty of The Doctor's adventures and he was later invited to write a story for the launch of the Virgin New Adventures in 1991 (Timewyrm: Exodus) and then to launch the new official range of BBC Books in 1996 with The Eight Doctors. He also brought Doctor Who to the stage twice, with Doctor Who & The Daleks In Seven Keys To Doomsday in 1974 and then The Ultimate Adventure in 1989. As well as fiction, Terrance also co-wrote arguably the first ever reference book about the series, The Making Of Doctor Who, first published by Target in 1972. Born in East Ham, Terrance studied English at Downing College, Cambridge, and later performed two years of National Service. Following his discharge he worked for several years as an advertising copywriter and started to write radio play scripts for the BBC in his spare time. His breakthrough into television came when his friend Malcolm Hulke asked for his help with the scripting of an episode of the ABC action-adventure series The Avengers, for which Terrance was awarded a co-writer credit. In 1968, he was hired as assistant script editor on Doctor Who. He became script editor the following year and earned his first writing credit for the popular long-running family SF drama when he and Hulke co-wrote the ten-part serial The War Games, which concluded the series' sixth season and Patrick Troughton's tenure as The Doctor in 1969. Terrance had, however, been the uncredited co-writer of the earlier serial The Seeds Of Death, having extensively re-written Brian Hayles' original scripts. After stepping down as script editor, Terrance continued his association with Doctor Who, writing four scripts for his successor, Robert Holmes. Terrance also wrote for the ATV soap opera Crossroads. He co-created and wrote for the short-lived BBC science-fiction TV series Moonbase 3 in 1973, and also wrote for Space: 1999. But, we'll forgive him for that. During the early 1980s, he served once more as script editor to his close friend Barry Letts on the BBC's Sunday Classics strand of period dramas and literary adaptations. For many of us of a certain age, however, Terrance will always be the storyteller of The Doctor's early adventures. And, as someone who first read Terrance's novelisation of The Day Of The Daleks as a sickly ten year old on a wet family holiday on the Isle of Wight in 1974 and, many years later, actually got to know Terrance personally, correspond with him when we were both writing novels fir the BBC and share a couple of glorious nights in Los Angeles having dinner with one of my heroes, yer actual Keith Telly Topping is particularly delighted to say happy birthday, Uncle Terrance. Many happy returns.

Edited to add: Having said all that, this blogger is indebted to his old mate Steve Roberts - who knows everything - for information that, contrary to the report on the Doctor Who News website and the date given on Wikipedia, Terrance's birthday is, in fact, in April. As confirmed by Keith Telly Toping's old mucker, Paul Cornell his very self.
So, all of the above is a month too late. Which, given that Doctor Who is a show about time travel is, curiously, comforting. Next ...

Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch will look to break his BAFTA duck on Sunday with his fifth nomination at an awards that are likely to be dominated by crime drama. Benny has been nominated more times than anyone else in the main categories at this weekend's awards, including three times for Sherlock, but is yet to win one. The awards, the most prestigious of the UK television year, have seen multiple nominations for a handful of critically acclaimed crime dramas including Sally Wainwright's Happy Valley and The Missing on BBC1, and Line Of Duty on BBC2. BBC3's sleeper hit Murdered By My Boyfriend and ITV's The Lost Honour Of Christopher Jefferies, both based on real life events, are each nominated twice. Ben Stephenson, the BBC's outgoing controller of drama commissioning, said that crime drama was so popular because it was 'a Trojan horse to allow writers to tell whatever story they wanted to tell. It's a catch-all term that belies the fact that drama relies on conflict and one of the most dramatic conflicts is people breaking the law in one way or another,' he said. Stephenson, who will leave the BBC next week, said that the drama nominations were 'not the most cheery list. Throughout literature, from Dostoyevsky and Dickens, it's full of crime because it's such a dramatic way into ultimately human truths.' Two lighter but hugely popular dramas, BBC1's Call The Midwife and ITV's Downton Abbey, have, like Cumberbatch, never won a BAFTA. 'It's a bit of an anomaly, they are the biggest series in this country,' said Stephenson. 'Probably awards are more naturally predicated towards pieces that have a more serious tone. Possibly shows like that are slightly underestimated. They are so confident and look so simple but are actually incredibly difficult to put together.'Downton Abbey maker Carnival Films is nominated for The Lost Honour Of Christopher Jefferies with a best actor nod for the man who portrayed him with uncanny accuracy, Jason Watkins. Gareth Neame, managing director of Carnival Films, said that there was 'nothing particularly confusing or unusual' about BAFTA not recognising Lord Snooty's Downton Abbey, which has won multiple awards in the US. 'BAFTA has tended to recognise things for cultural and creative reasons and tended not to recognise shows with big audiences and where revenue has been generated. It's very often the smaller thing that didn't get a large audience or something that had a big cultural impact. There's really nothing wrong with that,' he said. 'Jason's nomination is typical of BAFTA – he is not particularly a huge star but he is very, very respected and has given a great performance.' Watkins will compete for the leading actor prize with Cumberbatch, The Missing's Jimmy Nesbitt, and Toby Jones for his role in Peter Bowker's Marvellous. The leading actress category is arguably the strongest at this year's awards, with Happy Valley's Sarah Lancashire up against Line Of Duty's Keeley Hawes, Cilla's Sheridan Smith and Murdered By My Boyfriend's Georgina Campbell. The two stars of BBC2's Rev - Tom Hollander and Olivia Colman - are both nominated in the comedy performance categories, where there are also nods for Matt Berry, star and co-writer of Channel Four's massively over-rated Toast Of London, and two stars of another BBC2 comedy, W1A - Hugh Bonneville and Jessica Hynes. Rev executive producer and chief executive of Big Talk Productions Kenton Allen, said that the consequences of winning a BAFTA was not comparable to a Brit award or an Oscar (which he has also won, for Martin McDonagh's short film Six Shooter). 'It's not like the Brits where you see a massive spike in downloads, it doesn't have that sort of commercial impact,' he said. 'But I suppose when Rev won the Bsfta for situation comedy in its first series it was significant in giving everyone involved the confidence to do it again but be bolder with it, and gave the channel which breathed life in it the confidence to do it again. Sadly it doesn't mean you get paid more. Often it has the reverse effect.' Hynes, who plays Siobhan Sharpe in W1A, is nominated for her fourth BAFTA. Like Cumberbatch, she hasn't yet won one. 'I'm very happy with my status as a BAFTA loser, I'm very comfortable with that,' said Hynes. 'My approach is to genuinely enjoy it as much as possible. It's lovely being in a room with so many people you know if you are not wearing uncomfortable shoes, I'm not making that mistake. It's probably as bad winning as it is losing, it's probably excruciating, particularly if you think, "that other person should have won." I'm thrilled to be nominated.' Hynes gave a memorable acceptance speech at the Royal Television Society awards two years ago, a scene-stealing affair in which her phrase, 'fuck film', became a recurring theme of the night. 'I had been working so hard and not going out, I was living like a nun,' she remembered. 'I arrived there and someone bought me a gin and tonic and before I knew it I was up on the stage. I thought, well, it's not televised, let's have fun and be a bit irreverent.' Andrew Newman, chair of BAFTA's television committee, said hat the awards were 'about looking at programmes in forensic detail. 'Sometimes the most popular and perhaps in the public's mind the most obvious show is the rightful winner,' he said. 'Sometimes it's a show that perhaps not as many people have seen, a little bit quirky and original. It's not about what is most popular or populist, it's about what is the most brilliantly made show.'

Safe House topped the ratings outside of soaps on Bank Holiday Monday, according to overnight figures. The penultimate episode of the four-part Christopher Eccleston-fronted thriller brought in 4.18m overnight punters at 9pm on ITV. Earlier, Wild Ireland interested 2.68m at 8pm. BBC2's seemingly endless - and snore-inducing World Championship Snooker coverage was watched by 3.31m punters between 7pm and 11pm. On BBC1, a repeat of Wallace & Gromit: The Wrong Trousers had an audience of 2.35m at 7.30pm, while VE Day: Remembering Victory was watched by 2.82m at 8.30pm. Channel Four's Food Unwrapped averaged 1.24m at 8pm, while the much-trailed documentary Stranger On The Bridge was seen by 1.43m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Police Interceptors was watched by seven hundred and seventy eight thousand viewers at 8pm, before the latest episode of Gotham rose to nine hundred and forty five thousand at 9pm and Person Of Interest gathered five hundred and ninety nine thousand at 10pm. Game Of Thrones attracted one million punters for Sky Atlantic at 9pm.

ITV's European football coverage topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Tuesday. The Juventus Hunchbacks and Real Loadsamoney Madrid's Champions League semi-final first leg entertained 3.58m between 7.30pm and 10pm. BBC1's Twenty Four Hours In The Past dropped to 3.22m for its second episode at 9pm, while Del Boys & Dealers continued with 1.73m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, the latest episode of Coast Australia interested 1.32m at 7pm, before Inside The Factory: How Our Favourite Foods Are Made was seen by 2.11m, and Wastemen gathered an audience of 1.76m at 9pm. Channel Four's No Offence - which was really rather good - launched with an impressive 2.15m at 9pm. Earlier, Kirstie & Phil's Love It Or List It attracted 1.77m at 8pm. On Channel Five Britain's Horror Homes fascinated eight hundred and thirty thousand at 8pm, while Twenty Moments That Rocked Britain averaged nine hundred and eighty one thousand at 9pm.

Inspector George Gently topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Wednesday. The popular period crime drama brought in 5.90m at 8pm, while Peter Kay's Car Share followed with 5.15m at 9.30pm. On BBC2, Coast Australia interested nine hundred and ten thousand at 7pm, before Inside The Factory: How Our Favourite Foods Are Made was seen by 2.14m and Charlie Brooker's Election Wipe gathered 1.87m at 9pm. A Qi repeat followed with 1.35m at 10pm. ITV's hilariously wretched flop Give A Pet A Home continued with but 2.03m at 8pm, while Newzoids continued to drop like a stone, being watched by a mere 1.57m at 9pm. Plus, several of their puppets are now, no longer leaders of the political parties that they were and will, as a consequence, probably never appear again. The Delivery Man averaged a spectacularly low 1.10m at 9.30pm. Yes, that's right, a primetime ITV comedy (well, you know, 'allegedly') could only manage to pull in an audience of just over one million viewers. One trusts a second series of that is pretty unlikely. Channel Four's The Island With Bear Grylls continued with 2.11m at 9pm, while Ballot Monkeys was watched by nine hundred and ninety thousand viewers at 10pm. Channel Five's The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door had 1.20m at 8pm, before Autopsy brought in eight hundred and forty two thousand at 9pm. The ninety third showing of Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides appealed to eight hundred and twenty thousand on BBC3 at 8pm, while Jane The Virgin dropped to one hundred and fourteen thousand on E4 at 9pm.

Channel Four's Alternative Erection Night, hosted by David Mitchell and Jezza Paxman, beat ITV in the overnight ratings. An average of 1.11 million watched Channel Four in the first hour after the polls closed at 10pm, with eight hundred and ninety seven thousand tuning in to ITV's coverage. BBC1's Erection 2015, hosted by David Dimbleby, dominated the audience, with an average of 6.35 million for the opening hour. The first four hours of results brought in 4.35m. Earlier, Watchdog At Thirty was seen by 2.89m and Shark gathered 3.55m at 9pm. Sky News attracted three hundred and fifty six thousand punters to the first hour of its rolling coverage of the erection. ITV political editor Tom Bradby hosted the channel's erection broadcast for the first time, alongside newsreader and moderator of the TV leaders debate, Julie Etchingham. BBC1's programme saw Dimbleby host his final erection coverage, with help from Jeremy Vine, Sophie Raworth, Fiona Bruce, Emily Maitlis, Andrew Neil, Laura Kuenssberg and the BBC's political editor geet slaphead Nick Robinson.  Plus, just before the end in the wee small hours of Friday morning, a brief appearance by BBC erection veteran dear old David Butler who, this blogger must confess, he thought died years ago. Channel Four's alternative erection coverage had kicked off an hour earlier than BBC1 and ITV, and included special editions of the channel's The Last Leg, which averaged two million viewers. From 10pm the coverage included special Gogglebox inserts, featuring the show's regulars discussing political broadcasts such as last week's Question Time featuring party leaders. Earlier on Thursday evening, More4's broadcast of live play The Vote, starring Dame Judi Dench, Mark Gatiss and Catherine Tate, was seen by an average of five hundred and twenty three thousand. It followed the drama in a fictional polling station in real time in the last hour-and-a-half before the polls closed. The main coverage on Sky News was anchored by Adam Boulton and also offered viewers a behind-the-scenes look at its newsroom, broadcasting live coverage on Sky Arts 1 which attracted an average audience of six thousand. As voting ended, BBC2 comedy W1A attracted seven hundred and ninety thousand viewers, with six hundred thousand watching the film Kinky Boots on the channel from 10:30. Earlier, ITV's Tonight interested 2.50m at 7.30pm, while You've Been Framed! brought in but 1.69m at 8.30pm. Fraud Squad continued with 1.79m at 9pm. Channel Four's The World's Most Extreme Railways drew nine hundred and sixty thousand at 8pm. On BBC2, Coast Australia interested 1.05m at 7pm, before Inside The Factory: How Our Favourite Foods Are Made was seen by 2.16m and The Game gathered 1.23m at 9pm. An erection-free zone, Channel Five's The Last Days Of Jesus Christ attracted four hundred and ninety three thousand at 8pm while The Hotel Inspector reached 1.16m at 9pm. Stephen King's Bag Of Bones was watched by two hundred thousand viewers at 10pm.
To be fair to all concerned, it was a long night for those tasked with covering the erection but still, one moment was up there with the more unfortunate typing errors in TV history. A slip of the hand (one assumes it wasn't intentional) led the BBC to make a disparaging typo about the Scottish constituency of Paisley & Renfrewshire South. Although, to be honest, if you've ever been there ... Anyway, the seat had belonged to Labour's Douglas Alexander but he very lost as part of the SNP's landslide in Scotland. He was beaten by Mhaira Black who at twenty years of age is now the youngest MP since 1666. But, not on a school night, obviously.
Well, I suppose yer actual Keith Telly Topping should probably say something about the General Erection. And, that word is ...
Of course, as longer-term dear blog readers will be aware, this blogger has been predicting a Tory victory for ... ooo, about five years (albeit, he takes absolutely no pleasure whatsoever in that boast). Admittedly, I thought they'd have a minority but I always thought they'd be the single biggest party. Not necessarily due to them being so mad fuck-off brilliant (because, they really are not) but because of the paucity of the opposition that they faced. The Lib Dems lost the election when they got into bed with the Tories five years ago and allowed Clegg to sell out every principle they've ever held for a sniff - and, it was only a sniff - of power. That's something they won't be getting again in a hurry. Probably ever. I wonder if, on Friday morning, they thought it had all been worth it. Labour, on the other hand, also effectively lost the election five years ago. When they picked the wrong Milimolimandi brother.
One of the things you can say without fear of contradiction about people who've traditionally voted Liberal is that they are principled people. And, having spent the best part of four decades voting for a party that often had as few as six MPs, they needed to be. I liked them, personally. But, the second that the party, at Nick Clegg's urging, broke a set-in-stone manifesto promise to abolish student tuition fees as a price to get themselves a minor-partner role in the coalition government and meekly ran along after the Tories with their tongue hanging out like a pet dog was the moment that many committed, die-hard Liberals thought, 'you know what, fuck this. I'd sooner vote for someone else than have my integrity messed with.'And, as Clegg himself observed, they were punished for it on Thursday. The following five years, with Clegg doing increasingly brilliant impressions of Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross were just waiting for the inevitable. As for Labour, Miliband was a lightweight - and, to use that brilliant regular West Wing insult, 'a hairdo'. I'm sure that he's a very nice man and is kind to his mother and cats and all that but, politically, he has been a liability to Labour from day one. Regardless of him looking like Mister Bean or the fact that he often gives the impression of a man being unable to tie his own shoelaces without help it's been embarrassing for the last five years to watch him being spanked, weekly, by Cameron in Prime Minister's Question Time. Cameron is no great debater, and worse, he's smug as fuck and everybody knows he is (including himself). But, he constantly wiped the floor in debates with Milimolimandi who always came across like the school sneak trying to get one over on the Head Boy. And almost always failed. His favourite - and constantly over-used - whiny-voiced phrase in debates, 'he [Cameron] just doesn't get it' could, equally, be applied to him and sounded like what it was, banal posturing from a political novice. Labour lost this election when they picked the wrong Miliband brother as leader. With David they might well still have lost but they would have been a much more credible opposition than Useless Ed's front bench.
     The New Statesman's Ian Leslie has provided a jolly useful guide to Ten Delusions About The Labour Defeat To Watch Out For (this blogger particularly enjoyed number six). Whilst the author John O'Farrell laid the blame for The Left's delusions where it firmly belongs, at the door of Twitter. Which, according to the Gruniad Morning Star is The Sole Arbiter Of The Worth Of All Things. Whereas, in reality, it isn't.
Within a few hours of the final results, Milimolimandi, Cleggy, Nigel Farago and Horrible George Galloway were all, effectively, history and had quit as the leaders of their respective parties (although, in Horrible Galloway's case, his party was, effectively, a one man operation anyway). Less night of the long knives and more morning of the machine gun as it were. Frankly, we should do this more often.
Still, if there's one thing that the General Erection proved beyond all question, it's that democracy does work. Evidence? Well, Farago lost, for a kick off.
Keith Telly Topping would love to be able to say it was From The North wot won it but, I think it's only fair to suggest the voters of Thanet South deserve a jolly good pat on the back for their own, significant, part in this highlight of British erection history which was almost as funny as David Mellor's send-off at Putney in '97. Never in the course of human history have so many laughed at the misfortunes of so few.
     Though, here's a horribly ironic thought for you, dear blog reader - many people (this blogger thoroughly included) partied like it was 1997 when UKiP ended up with just one MP. If, however, they had done even just slightly better in terms of the national share of the vote (maybe fifteen per cent rather than thirteen) they would've possibly got half-a-dozen seats but, the knock-on effect may well have eaten into the Tory vote in many constituencies and we could well have ended up with the hung parliament that almost everyone was predicting, pre-erection. So, whilst seeing one lot of right-wing windbags failing to shake the foundations of British politics was very pleasing, in a round-about way, it did another lot of right-wing windbags a massive favour. It truly is an ill wind that blows nobody any good, is it not?
Still, back to the good news column, odious full-of-her-own-importance smear Esther McVey extremely lost her seat. That was effing hilarious.
So, the Tories won, dear blog reader. Therefore, that's the BBC's future effectively fucked. The lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Javid has already said, publicly, that he wants to see the Beeb's licence fee pinned; which will mean further cuts in services. What the government will be faced with, virtually straight away as one of their first orders of business, is to get into negotiations over the next Royal Charter extension. And, that's where the problems will really start for my beloved BBC. In many ways, from a purely selfish point of view, this blogger's favourite show Doctor Who's position has actually been strengthened by the result of the erection since the BBC are going to need every penny they can get. And, given that they're in the process of losing one of only a handful of formats they make which accrues a decent amount of income for them (Top Gear, notwithstanding any reformatting they try to come up with next year) the other ones - Who, Strictly, Sherlocket cetera - become even more vital now. But, for this blogger, the erection result signals that in the next eighteen months to two years, we're going to see BBC4 go the way of BBC3, then probably local radio after that. I told a friend who works in local radio, when he was sneering a few weeks about about Clarkson's departure, that he'd just, effectively, seen the preparation of his P45 for about eighteen months time as a direct result of the BBC losing Top Gear's massive income. I think last night's result has only strengthened that likelihood. Many people within the Beeb exist in their own private little fiefdoms and believe that what goes on in other parts of the organisation has no affect on them. They about to find out just how very wrong they are. The BBC will still exist, in some form, the licence fee will probably still be with us, in some form, for another five or maybe even ten years, but, this is probably the beginning of the end of the BBC as we know it. It was fun while it lasted.
      Oh, and the NHS is probably in trouble as well. Next ...

As for Scotland's 'victory' in rejecting all of the major parties in favour of the nationalists, well great. Superbly done. For all the good it's going to do you under a Tory government. A rather famous TV industry employee whom this blogger has had some interaction with rather took Keith Telly Topping thoroughly to task earlier in the year when I cracked a mild - if, admittedly, somewhat puerile - joke about how rubbish the Scottish football team are. 'Let's see if you're all laughing at Scotland on 8 May,' he crowed. I asked then, and I ask again now, what exactly we all have to be so grateful to Scotland for? What are they going to do, buy the bunting for the Tories victory parade?
Final erection thought: A friend of yer actual Keith Telly Topping from the US said on erection night, that he was 'sick at heart' at the political news coming out the Britain. Nowhere near as sick as those of us who have to live here, Ben, mate. Sadly, anybody with half-a-head (and, for what it's worth, this blogger does have half-a-head) saw this coming five years ago due to the paucity of opposition they faced. Any belief that the Tories might not get back in was, simply, denial on all of our parts. Ultimately, we probably get the governments we deserve. As this piece from the Gruniad, ably, proves.
Still, the sun came up again on Friday morning same as usual. This blogger had his first trip to the pool in a week early doors. I managed twenty six lengths with some ease an'all which, frankly, surprised the hell out of me. Then, it was the usual routine - breakfast, a schlep down to Morrison's to get some prawns for us dinner, into town to the bank to see how much money I haven't got, bought a pair of new shows and came home. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping then spent much of the rest of the day contemplating the inherently ludicrous nature of existence. That, and watching repeats of Time Team on Discovery History. That said, the grass on the once beautifully manicured lawns of Stately Telly Topping Manor was looking as high as an elephant's eye so yer actual got out the - gold-plated - Telly Topping strimmer for the first time in, probably a couple of years, and, you know, strimmed like a big ... strimming .. .thing. Successfully, as well (again, trust me, this surprised me as much as, I imagine, its surprises you). But the problem was that thereafter, combined with the exertions of the morning's swimming, Keith Telly Topping ached in places he didn't know he could ache in.
      So, tell me younglings, Keith Telly Topping is really not sure about the current 'I saw Lon Chaney Jnr walkin' with The Queen' look he's sporting. Comments? Suggestions?
I've come out of the back of the 'it's pure dead itchy, so it is' phase. But, I'm still in two minds about the facial fungus myself. It's always been something of a family tradition that beards 'don't suit' the Telly Toppings. Mama Telly Topping always used to say 'it makes your face look dirty, our Keith Telly Topping' and I can kind of see where she was coming from. But ... I dunno, I think the grey hairs actually make yer actual look rather distinguished in a sort of Stewart Grainger type area. If, you know, old.

Anyway, back to the ratings ... Have I Got Erection News for You was Friday's highest-rated overnight show outside of soaps. Hosted by Jo Brand, the topical panel show was seen by an average audience of 4.49 million at 9.30pm. It was preceded by a Question Time Erection Special with 3.16 million from 8.30pm. That bloody erection; you can't get away from it even when it's over. BBC1's evening kicked off with 4.14 million for The ONE Show Erection Special at 7pm, while 3.12 million stuck around for A Question Of Sport Erection immediately after. Slightly later than usual, The Graham Norton Erection Show, which featured guests such as Miranda Hart and Rupert Everett, was watched by 2.74 million at 11pm. On ITV, Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis was seen by 2.56 million at 8pm, while Slow Train Through Africa With Griff Rhys Jones picked up an average audience of 2.21 million at 9pm. BBC2's evening began with seven hundred and seventy thousand for Iolo's Great Welsh Parks at 7pm, followed by nine hundred and ten thousand for The Cenotaph: Highlights at 7.30pm. An Island Parish: Falklands continued with 1.52 million at 8pm, Gardeners' World attracted an evening high for the channel of 1.95 million at 8.30pm, while Britain's Greatest Generation was seen by 1.13 million at 9pm. With guests including Judy Murray and Martina Navratilova, The Clare Balding Show rounded out the evening with seven hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. An increased week-on-week audience of 3.17 million tuned in to Gogglebox at 9pm on Channel Four. Marvel's Agents of SHIELD played to eight hundred and forty thousand at 8pm, while Danny Dyer and Anna Kendrick were guests on Alan Carr: Chatty Man which achieved ratings of 1.31 million at 10pm. Secrets Of Great British Castles dropped to seven hundred and three thousand at 8pm on Channel Five. It was followed by eight hundred and eighty thousand NCIS: New Orleans at 9pm and nine hundred and forty four thousand for NCIS at 10pm.

Britain's Got Toilets continued to dominate Saturday overnight ratings with an audience of more than 9.6 million. The ITV lack-of-talent competition appealed to 9.61m from 8pm. Ninja Warrior UK managed 4.16m earlier in the evening, while Play To The Whistle once again managed to chuck away a lead-in audience of near ten million, being watched by a mere 2.64m from 9.20pm. On BBC1, the latest episode of drama flop Atlantis episode drew 2.63m from 7.35pm. The National Lottery attracted 1.81m, before VE Day Seventy: A Party To Remember averaged 4.76m from 8.30pm. BBC2's Young Dancer 2015 coverage was watched by nine hundred and twenty thousand punters between 7pm and 9.05pm. A broadcast of the award-winning film Salmon Fishing In The Yemen had an overnight audience of eight hundred and seventy one thousand from 9.15pm. On Channel Four, The World's Most Extreme ... continued with five hundred and thirty three thousand viewers in the 8pm hour, followed by Russell Crowe's Robin Hood movie which averaged eight hundred and seven thousand from 9pm. On Channel Five, the latest episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation attracted an audience of nine hundred and forty four thousand viewers.

The BAFTA Television Awards were up marginally on last year's ratings, according to overnight figures for Sunday. The Graham Norton-hosted ceremony brought in 5.26m for BBC1 between 8pm and 10pm. Earlier, Countryfile topped the overnight ratings with 6.05m at 7pm. On BBC2, Britain's Greatest Generation was watched by five hundred and eighty thousand at 7pm, before Hunters Of The South continued with 1.18m at 8pm and Wellington: The Iron Duke Unmasked interested 1.07m. Modern Times followed with seven hundred thousand punters at 10pm. ITV's new period drama Home Fires fell marginally for its second episode with 4.64m at 9pm. Earlier, Z-List Celebrity Squares failed to entertain a meagre 1.71m at 7.15pm and Sunday Night At The Palladium gathered 3.53m at 8pm. On Channel Four, Three In A Bed averaged five hundred and seven thousand at 7pm, while For The Love Of Cars continued with 1.26m at 8pm. The network première of Prometheus had an audience of 1.46m at 9pm. Grown Ups and Safe were Channel Five's duel Sunday evening film selections, with the former bringing in 1.23m at 8pm and the latter being watched by five hundred and eighty seven thousand at 9pm.

And, on the subject of the BATFAs, huge congratulations from all at From The North to team-Sherlock for a very well-deserved victory. Somebody's going to have to strengthen the Moffat family home's mantelpiece, one imagines as it must be groaning under the weight of all them BAFTAs.
Here's the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Four programmes for the week-ending Sunday 3 May 2015:-
1 Britain's Got Toilets - Sat ITV - 11.12m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.04m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.25m
4 Inspector George Gently - Wed BBC1 - 6.91m
5 Peter Kay's Car Share - Wed BBC1 - 6.85m
6 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.33m
7 Safe House - Mon ITV - 6.12m
8 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.54m
9 Home Fires - Sun ITV - 5.50m*
10 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.08m
11 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 4.93m
12 The C-Word - Sun BBC1 - 4.92m
13 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.89m
14 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.63m
15 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.60m
16 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 4.50m
17 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 4.35m
18 Ten O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.31m
19 Ninja Warrior UK - Sat ITV - 4.25m*
20 Twenty Four Hours In The Past - Tues BBC1 - 4.15m
21 Gogglebox - Fri C4 - 4.03m
22 Match of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 3.87m
23 Question Times - Thurs BBC1 - 3.77m
24 Peb - Tues BBC1 - Mon BBC1 - 3.71m
These figures, as usual, do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. ITV's woes continue. Spectacular flops Give A Pet A Home (2.31m), Play To The Whistle (2.25m) and Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis (2.23m) continue to provide more entertainment via their risibly low ratings figures than anything in the series' themselves. Much-hyped Spitting Image rip-off Newzoids continued to shed viewers faster than big, hard shedding thing. Neither it, nor the wretched, laughless alleged 'comedy'The Delivery Man's managed a consolidated audience of more than two million punters and didn't even make it into ITV's top thirty broadcasts of the week. BBC2's most-watched programme was The Game (2.59m) followed by coverage of The World Snooker Championship (1.94m), Iceland: Land Of Ice & Fire (1.73m) and W1A (1.60m). Aside from Gogglebox, Channel Four's highest-rated shows were The Island With Bear Grylls (2.90m), Love It Or List It (1.88m) and the Dispatches documentary The Secrets of Sports Direct (2.10m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were the channel's quartet of popular US drama imports CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (1.64m), the final episode of The Mentalist (1.56m), Gotham (1.53m) and NCIS: New Orleans (1.29m). Sky Atlantic's Game Of Thrones was the mutichannels most-watched broadcast of the week (1.98m), followed by the opening episode of Sky Living's The Enfield Haunting (1.87m) and E4's The Big Bang Theory (1.61m). Foyle's War was ITV3's most-watched show with six hundred and seventy eight thousand viewers. Inspector Montalbano was, again, BBC4's highest-rated programme (six hundred and twenty seven thousand). Wild China drew five hundred and eighty thousand, Storyville: Himmler - The Decent One (five hundred and nineteen thousand) and The Dark Charisma of Adolf Hitler (four hundred and seventeen thousand). BBC3's weekly ratings list was topped by the six hundred and twelfth broadcast of the movie Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull (nine hundred and thirty six thousand). ITV4's most watched broadcast was coverage of the Tour De Yorkshire cycling (two hundred and eighty four thousand). 5USA's The Mysteries Of Laura attracted four hundred and seventy six thousand. Aside from The Enfield Haunting Sky Living's list was topped by The Blacklist (eight hundred and eight thousand) and Elementary (seven hundred and ninety four thousand). Sky 1's The Flash brought in 1.12m. On Dave, a repeat of last year's Would I Lie To You? Christmas episode drew three hundred and fifty four thousand. Drama's latest New Tricks repeat was watched by four hundred and thirty six thousand. Watch's Grimm had an audience of five hundred and eighty eight thousand. FOX's latest episode of NCIS was watched by seven hundred and twenty three thousand. On Sky Sports News, Gillette Soccer Saturday drew four hundred and seventy eight thousand. An episode of Discovery History's repeat run of Time Team pulled in twenty two thousand viewers.

Lift doors designed to look like the TARDIS have been installed at new police headquarters in Durham. Durham police tweeted a picture of the new doors, apologising that 'time travel was not an optional extra.' A spokesman said customising the lifts showed the force could be 'professional and still have a sense of humour.' Staff moved into the new fourteen million quid building next to its old base at Aykley Heads in Durham last Autumn. The tweet attracted one whinger saying the doors were a complete and utter 'waste of taxpayers money.' Which, to be fair, may be true but, personally, this blogger would sooner see the money spent on something like this rather than, for example, really big nasty rubber truncheons like the South African filth used to use back in the Apartheid era. Just sayin'. The six lifts were covered with vinyl wraps, not hand painted, and the cost had been 'pretty modest', the spokesman for Durham Constabulary said. Personalising the headquarters was 'a bit quirky' and 'a talking point' for anyone who came into the building, he added.
The first episode of the next, thirteenth, series of this blogger's beloved Qi was recorded in London earlier this week. Maladies -the first of the 'M' series, features returns for Wor Geet Canny Ross Noble and Lucy Porter and a first appearance by Matt Lucas. A total of sixteen episodes are scheduled to go before the camera between now and June with an initial broadcast date of 4 September having recently been announced.
Polly Hill, the BBC executive responsible for Wolf Hall, Poldark and The Missing, has been appointed the new controller of BBC drama commissioning, one of the most powerful jobs in the UK television industry. Hill succeeds the very excellent Ben Stephenson, who is leaving to join JJ Abrams' Bad Robot production company in the US. Hill, who is currently head of independent drama at the BBC, has overseen productions including BBC1's Poldark, The Missing, Ripper Street and Death In Paradise and Wolf Hall, The Honourable Woman and The Shadow Line for BBC2. Announcing Polly's appointment on Thursday, the BBC's director of television Danny Cohen said that Hill had an 'exceptional track record for delivering outstanding drama. From Wolf Hall to Poldark and The Missing, Polly's work speaks for itself and is driven by her passion for writing and storytelling,' he said. 'BBC drama is in wonderful shape. We are determined to keep developing our reputation for dramatic range and quality, working with the very best established and emerging writers and being home to the most ambitious and risky projects.' Hill said that BBC drama had 'thrived' under Stephenson and was 'an incredible place and I would like to personally thank him. I look forward to steering BBC Drama into the future and building on this success; continuing to be the home of the most original and ambitious storytelling across a range of drama that is unique to the BBC.' Polly joined the BBC in 2005 after working as a producer on Gwyneth Hughes' drama Cherished. She previously worked at Channel Four where she oversaw the first series of Andrew Lincoln comedy drama Teachers and started her career working for the late Verity Lambert, before getting her first script editing job on EastEnders. The BBC said POlly would work closely with Stephenson over the coming days as she begins her new role.

Jezza Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond have, allegedly, got closer to signing a deal with ITV. The former Top Gear trio and executive producer Andy Wilman are reported to have met with ITV's programme chief Peter Fincham on Wednesday evening, according to alleged 'claims' made in that good friend of Top Gear the Gruniad Morning Star. So, probably a load of lies, then. After Clarkson's Top Gear contract was not renewed, May and Hammond declined to sign new BBC deals. Since then, ITV has been named as the most likely channel to pick up the trio for a Top Gear-like format. The meeting allegedly took place at Fincham's London home, with ITV's director of entertainment and comedy Elaine Bedell also attending. However, ITV has remained coy regarding to the reports. A spokesman said: 'We haven't commented and aren't planning to comment on the continual Top Gear speculation which is swirling around the television industry.' If the three presenters were to sign a deal with ITV, they would not be allowed to use the Top Gear name or branding, which are BBC copyright. They have also been linked with a move to on-demand service Netflix, as the show has proved popular in over two hundred countries.
BBC1 is going to be bringing whales, dolphins and seals into our living rooms with its huge new television event Big Blue Live. The three-part series - which will be hosted by Matt Baker, Liz Bonnin, Steve Backshall and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall - will be broadcast live from Monterey Bay in California, a location home to a huge variety of wildlife. The BBC explained that the show will follow what happens when animals such as blue whales, humpback whales, elephant seals, dolphins, sea otters and great white sharks gather off the coast of the Bay. Many of them make tough journeys to reach it, but will there be enough food for them when they arrive? Fearnley-Whittingstall is also expected to focus on how the animals have flourished after hunting was stopped along the Californian coast. Baker and Bonnin will host the series live from Monterey Bay Aquarium, getting up close to some of the 'cutest' wildlife, while Backshall will be stationed on a boat in the middle of the bay looking for whales and dolphins live. Or, indeed, dead ones. The team are also keen to spot some blue whales, and will try to track them down by heading into the air, joining scientists who tag them, and learning about how shipping companies and biologists are trying to avoid deadly collisions. Viewers can also get rolling updates online at the Big Blue Live Digital - Never Miss A Moment webpage, as the team will post sightings of various animals there. 'I'm so excited about this,' Baker said. 'I think the BBC's Natural History Unit is the finest in the world and combining my love of live television and bringing the outdoors into our homes, this is an adventure that I can't wait to start. It's a super team and with a cast of whales, sharks, sea otters and other amazing creatures, it'll be a thrilling watch. We will bring you everything we can during our time there and capture some incredible moments that viewers would never normally see.' Meanwhile, BBC1's controller Charlotte Moore said: 'In this ambitious television first, BBC1 will take viewers on an extraordinary oceanic journey and get up close and personal with marine life above and beneath the water. It promises to be an unmissable live TV event showcasing a spectacular display of sea creatures rarely seen in such close proximity.'

The forthcoming Supergirl series' star David Harewood has described Melissa Benoist as 'a fantastic pick' for the title role. Harewood plays Hank Henshaw in the CBS comic book adaptation, which just secured a series order at the network. He revealed that fans can expect to see Supergirl 'flying and kicking serious butt' when the show launches in the US, likely this fall.
CBS is reportedly planning to end the run of its veteran crime series CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with a two-hour TV movie. According to Deadline, the network is currently discussing how best to end the successful crime drama, which wrapped up its fifteenth season in February. While the idea of producing a TV movie to wrap up the series is apparently a popular one within CBS, another option reportedly being explored is the possibility of a short, limited-run final season of six episodes. Questions about the future of long-running procedural drama first began when CSI's episode order was reduced and star Ted Danson accepted a role in Fargo.
In other Crime Scene Investigation-related news, Deadline predicts that the franchise's most recent spin-off, CSI: Cyber, will probably get renewed. However, it 'may undergo some retooling.'

NCIS's twelfth series ends its current run with 'a major plot development' involving a tragic death of a prominent character and the possibility of returning a lost character from past seasons. The show resumed on 28 April and the fan-base has, apparently been 'buzzing' with excitement (rather than, you know, drugs) at the crescendo of events since it returned to screens. The much-rumoured death of a character was confirmed by Emily Wickersham. 'It was a shock to me, and I think it will be a shock to the fans,' she reveals in her interview about the finale with TV Guide. She also believes that the death holds a special emotional appeal to people who have experienced losing a loved one or someone close to them.
A new series of The Muppet Show has been commissioned by US TV network ABC, promising a 'more adult' take on much-loved characters. The prime-time show will be filmed in a 'contemporary, documentary-style' - whatever the Hell that means - and will 'explore their personal lives, relationships and even disappointments.' Oh Christ, this sounds wretched. The Big Bang Theory's producer Bill Prady is behind the series. The recent pilot got a standing ovation at an ABC screening last month, according to Entertainment Weekly. The Muppets, created by puppeteer Jim Henson, first appeared on television in the 1950s, getting their own show in the 1970s. They recently made a return to the big screen in 2011's The Muppets and 2014's Muppets Most Wanted, featuring Ricky Gervais. Their TV comeback series is one of several new comedies picked up by ABC after the US pilot season.
The US cookery show The Taste featuring Nigella Lawson - she has her knockers - has been extremely axed by ABC after two series, following a dramatic ratings slump. The cooking competition lost more than half of its viewers, falling from highs of seven million punters to less than three million on New Year's Day. Channel Four axed the UK version of The Taste last year after just one series. Because it was shit and no one was watching it. Other shows cancelled by ABC include Forever, supernatural drama Resurrection and new sitcom Cristela. Industry website Deadline had warned earlier this year that the future of The Taste was 'up in the air.' Starring alongside Lawson were chefs Anthony Bourdain, Ludo Lefebvre and Marcus Samuelsson. The show saw cooks trying to impress the experts with spoonfuls of food. Lawson's UK TV cookery career remains intact however - BBC2 recently confirmed she would return for new series, Simply Nigella, later this year, her first on the channel since 2012's Nigellissima. Marvel's Agents of Shield has been renewed for a third season, while Agent Carter - starring British actress Hayley Atwell - will return for a second. Other hit shows including Grey's Anatomy, Nashville, Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder have all been renewed for another season, according to Variety.
Tina Fey gave David Letterman the best possible goodbye gift during her final appearance on The Late Show. The Thirty Rock star talked in her interview about how she would never have to wear anything nearly as fancy as the blue dress she had on for any other talk show. 'It’s very hard work,' Fey stated. 'I don't know if you're aware of the contraptions under here. It's almost medical.' But more importantly, Fey said, she dresses like this specifically out of respect for Letterman. 'What am I gonna do, dress up for Jimmy?' she asked, referring to former SNL co-star and current Tonight Show host, Jimmy Fallon. 'That's creepy, he's like my brother. I'm not gonna wear special underwear for James Corden. That's not gonna happen. The next time you see me, I'll be playing charades in a slanket.' Then, in honour of Letterman's retirement, Fey had a very special gift prepared – her dress as the comedienne stepped out of the restricting fashion statement to reveal some pretty fancy underwear – black spanx, with the words 'Bye Dave!' emblazoned on the front. And 'Last Dress Ever!' on the bum.
Of course, some scowling waste-of-space arsehole at the Gruniadwasn't amused by all this malarkey. They really are a piece of work, those Middle Class hippy Communists tossers.

Yer actual Martin Freeman has joined the cast of Marvel's Captain America: Civil War. It is not yet known which character Marty will play in the movie - the third instalment of the superhero franchise - which is due for release in May 2016. Marvel said that they had been 'consistently impressed' and were 'honoured and excited to have such a talented actor join the Marvel Cinematic Universe.' Marty, of course, won an EMMY and a BAFTA for playing John Watson in Sherlock. You knew that, right? Captain America: Civil War will pick up the story from the end of current blockbuster Avengers: Age Of Ultron.
Meanwhile, Joss Whedon has denied leaving Twitter over feminist criticism of his latest movie, Avengers: Age Of Ultron. He told Buzzfeed News that, in fact, he needed to go to 'a quiet place' to focus on writing, adding that Twitter is 'the least quiet place I've ever been in my life. It's like taking the bar exam at Coachella,' he said. 'I really need to concentrate on this!' Some critics - not many, but they're quite loud - have labelled Joss's portrayal of female characters, including Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow, as sexist. The criticism came as something of a surprise to many media observers - as the writer/director had previously been praised for creating strong female leads in his TV shows Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse. He said, 'I saw a lot of people say, "Well, the social justice warriors destroyed one of their own!" It's like, nope. That didn't happen.' Whedon also denied the accusation that he quit Twitter because of specific criticism from campaigning group Feminist Frequency. 'Literally the second person to write me to ask if I was okay when I dropped out was [Feminist Frequency founder] Anita [Sarkeesian],' he said.
Idris Elba has broken the 'Flying Mile' record for his new TV series. The Luther actor surpassed Sir Malcolm Campbell's land speed record on Pendine Sands in South Wales over the weekend. Filming his four-part Discovery Channel series Idris Elba: No Limits, the actor reached speeds of more than one hundred and eighty mph. 'I'm absolutely elated to have broken the "Flying Mile" at Pendine Sands,' Elba said after his achievement. 'It's an honour to have taken on the challenge, and to successfully follow in the footsteps of the illustrious Sir Malcolm Campbell.' Campbell set the record of 174.8 mph nearly ninety years ago in his iconic Napier-Campbell Bluebird vehicle. Elba drove a Bentley Continental GT Speed, with his record being verified by the UK Timing Association. No Limits will be broadcast on Discovery in the summer and will see Elba explore his love for drag racing, rally driving and aerobatics.
A film crew making a documentary about the controversial 2022 World Cup due to take place in Qatar has, allegedly, been arrested and interrogated by that country's authorities. The team was denied permission to leave for five days and also had its equipment destroyed and footage deleted, the Daily Torygraph has claimed. ARD journalist Florian Bauer and his team had been documenting the treatment of migrant workers for their film The Selling Of Football: Sepp Blatter & The Power of FIFA. Bauer and his cameraman, camera assistant and driver arrived in Qatar on 26 March, were alleged to have been arrested the following day and were held for fourteen hours. The reporter did not have a permit to film in Doha and the Qatar 2022 Supreme Committee for Delivery & Legacy claimed this was the reason for the detention and destruction of footage. 'The journalist and the film crew concerned were not arrested as a result of reporting on allegations surrounding the 2022 FIFA World Cup Qatar or FIFA. Any suggestion to the contrary is explicitly false,' a statement read. 'Any media outlet wishing to film in Qatar requires a film permit to do so, as is common in many countries. Any working journalist who has visited Qatar will be aware of this process and understand filming in specific locations without permission runs the risk of legal repercussions. The journalist in question has visited Qatar several times before. Furthermore, during the same period a second film crew from the same German network also visited Qatar, gaining access to numerous locations and stakeholders throughout the country. To our knowledge they encountered no such problems.' Bauer, who had been granted permission to film on past occasions, claimed that his applications for a permit were rejected by World Cup organisers and ignored or denied by government agencies. 'I can only assume that this time they thought, "We don't want to have the same story in terms of labour camp-visits,"' he told the newspaper. 'There were interrogations by people from the intelligence service who said if I didn't co-operate with them, it would work badly for me.' He added: 'Everything was deleted: phone, hard drives. A laptop got destroyed, got opened by I don't know who.'

The Who - a popular beat combo, you might have heard of them - have been confirmed as Glastonbury Festival's final headliner, closing the event on Sunday 28 June. The rock band join Foo Fighters and Kanye West at the top of the bill for the sold out festival next month. Roger Daltrey said The Who would 'close this year's event with a bang.' The band will also headline the British Summertime Hyde Park festival with a show on Friday 26 June, supported by Paul Weller, Kaiser Chiefs, Johnny Marr and Gaz Coombes. Weller will also play before The Who at Glastonbury, in the penultimate Sunday night slot on The Pyramid Stage. Mod-tastic. The band said they would take the audience on 'an amazing journey' (he!) through The Who's back catalogue. 'It's great to be ending this part of a fifty-year career at the most prestigious and respected music festival in the world,' said Roge. 'We'll do our best to close this year's event with a bang, unless of course the fireworks get wet!' The Who made their first and, to date only, Glastonbury headline appearance in 2007, when they also closed the festival. At the time Daltrey likened the band's performance, 'after three days of horrendous weather', to the Battle of Passchendaele. 'The conditions were horrendous and you think no one is going to stay to the end. It was like the seventies when the crowds got bigger,' Daltry told the Sun.
Channel Four News economics editor Paul Mason is, very much, a chap after yer actual Keith telly Topping'sown heart. Paul has admitted to his shady past as a 'leftie activist'– although he says that his politics are now 'very complicated.' Ditto, matey. But Paul is equally well known as a music fan – he wrote a feature for the Observer last year recounting his experiences going to Northern Soul all-nighters at the Wigan Casino and also presented a, quite superb, episode of The Culture Show on the same subject. So what better way to keep depressed spirits up on erection day – and avoid breaching any media rules – than tweeting a countdown of one hundred Northern Soul masterpieces? Paul kicked off with 'Contact' by The Three Degrees. Tasty.
The actor Nigel Terry has died at the age of sixty nine. Younger dear blog readers will probably know Nigel from his performance as General Cobb in the 2008 Doctor Who story The Doctor's Daughter. Nigel had a long and distinguished career both on stage and screen and worked extensively for both the National Theatre and the Royal Shakespeare Company. He is probably best known to the wider public for playing King Arthur in John Boorman's 1981 cult movie Excalibur. Nigel was admired by all who worked with him and revered by his contemporaries, fully deserving that over-used description an actor's actor, according to his obituary in the Gruniad. He made a sensational film début in Anthony Harvey's Oscar-winning The Lion In Winter (1968), one of this blogger's favourite movies. As a drooling young Prince John, Nigel was in no way fazed by playing scenes opposite Peter O'Toole and Katharine Hepburn. But, unlike his fellow débutants on that particular film – Anthony Hopkins and Timothy Dalton – Nigel didn't graduate to Hollywood but, instead, spent the majority of his career working with mavericks of the British cinema. His other movie roles included playing the title role in Derek Jarman's Caravaggio. He worked with Jarman again on several occasions - in 1988's The Last Of England and, later, in War Requiem, Edward II and the director's final movie, Blue. Nigel also appeared in Richard Loncraine's cult 1974 movie Slade In Flame. On television one of Nigel's most memorable early roles was in Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) - magnificent in a scene-stealing role as Harry the hippy agoraphobic painter in the 1970 episode Someone Just Walked Over My Grave - who has dialogue like 'I don't dig Rembrandt. He's a drag, man!' He also appeared in Boy Meets Girl, Agatha Christie's Marple, The Orchid House, Covington Cross, Sea Of Souls, [spooks], Foyle's War, Holby City, Mortimer's Law, Resort To Murder, the Highlander TV series, The Ruth Rendell Mysteries, Denys Villiers, Cutting It, The Merry Wives Of Windsor, Sherlock Holmes and his first starring role, 1967's Kenilworth. He also had another memorable - and sympathetic - role as the aging hitman Sam Jacobs in the two-part Waking The Dead story Anger Management. Otherwise, Nigel worked mostly in theatre. He was prominent on the fringe of both the National Theatre and RSC, often working with fellow mavericks such as the director Max Stafford-Clark and the playwright Howard Barker. He played Byron in the first revival in 1988 of Howard Brenton's Bloody Poetry, at the Royal Court; he was, said a fellow cast member, Sian Thomas, 'beautiful, turbulent [and] wild.'As a student, Nigel reportedly drove a flatmate to distraction with his protracted silences at the breakfast table. 'I can't stand your fucking moods!' the flatmate allegedly exclaimed one morning. Another silence of ten minutes followed before Nigel muttered 'moods?' He was always going to be an artist of some sort from a young age. His ancestry was English, Irish and Huguenot. Nigel was said to be the first baby born in Bristol after the end of the second world war, the only child of Frank Terry, an RAF pilot and his wife, Doreen. The family moved to Truro, in Cornwall, where Nigel's father worked as a senior probation officer. Nigel developed his passion for acting, and painting, while at Truro school, joined the National Youth Theatre in his holidays and worked briefly in forestry and as a petrol pump attendant before training at the Central School of Speech and Drama in London in 1963. He made a stage début at the Shaw Theatre in North London, playing Evans in Willis Hall's The Long & The Short & The Tall and Tybalt in Romeo & Juliet. After seasons in rep in Oxford and at the Bristol Old Vic, he appeared in controversial new plays at the Royal Court, including the premières of Edward Bond's The Fool (1975) and Caryl Churchill's Light Shining In Buckinghamshire (1976). At the RSC in the late 1970s he was Soranzo in 'Tis Pity She's A Whore and Casca in Julius Caesar. He featured in a notable season at the National in 1981, playing the lead in Molière's Don Juan as a brazen but unflustered Spanish nobleman, as if, said the critic Michael Billington, 'David Niven were playing Tamburlaine.' He also played a laconic Rakitin in Turgenev's A Month In The Country, opposite Francesca Annis. Both shows were directed by Peter Gill. In Barker's Victory (1983), Nigel was Charles II and in The Bite Of The Night (1988), directed by Danny Boyle, he was 'the last classics teacher at a defunct university' who goes in search of Homer, Eros and Helen of Troy. Also in the 1980s he led a brilliant production of Dostoevsky's The Possessed directed by Yuri Lyubimov at The Almeida and, for the RSC, played a sinister Bosola in The Duchess Of Malfi, with Harriet Walter in the title role, and a great double of Shylock and Benedick, opposite Fiona Shaw, on a touring production of The Merchant Of Venice and Much Ado About Nothing. In his last major film, Wolfgang Petersen's Troy (2004), Nigel had the joy of playing a Trojan high priest and adviser to his old friend Peter O'Toole's King Priam. Nigel moved from London back to Cornwall in 1993 and spent the rest of his days there in a cottage near St Ives, partly to be near his parents during their last years but also to enjoy the beauty of the cliffs and sea.

And, more sad news, Hot Chocolate's lead singer the very excellent Errol Brown has died aged seventy one. Errol had liver cancer and died at his home in the Bahamas. Hot Chocolate, with their attractive brand of disco-pop, had hit singles in more than fifty countries worldwide, including their most famous number, 1975's 'You Sexy Thing' - which Brown co-wrote - 'It Started With A Kiss', the brooding torch-song 'Emma', 'So You Win Again', 'No Doubt About It' and 'Every One's A Winner'. Errol was made an MBE in 2003 and received an Ivor Novello award for his outstanding contribution to British music in 2004. A statement on Wednesday confirmed the singer's death. 'Errol was a lover of life and obviously music. I never went into his home, car or a hotel room without music playing. Errol was a Gentle Man and was a personal friend of mine who will be sadly missed by everyone who knew him,' his manager Phil Dale continued. 'His greatest legacy is that his music will live on.' Errol was born in Jamaica but moved to the UK with his mother in the mid-1950s when he was twelve. His musical career began in 1969 when he and some friends sent a demo, a reggae version of 'Give Peace A Chance', to its author the alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie John Lennon. 'We all laughed about it,' Errol told BBC Breakfast in 2009. 'Amazingly, a week later I got a call to say John Lennon approved it and wanted to sign the band to the Apple label - and that's how we began.' Errol said they were originally named by Mavis Smith working in Apple's press office as The Hot Chocolate Band, which was later shortened. Record producer and hit-maker Mickie Most signed Errol and his friend and bandmate Tony Wilson as songwriters towards the end of 1969, championing Brown's writing and singing. Most recorded their songs with Mary Hopkins, Julie Felix and Herman's Hermits and signed Hot Chocolate to his own RAK label. The band released their next single 'Love Is Life' in 1970 and the song became a top ten hit. Thereafter, the group had at least one hit every year between 1970 and 1984, making Hot Chocolate the only group in the UK to have a hit for fifteen consecutive years. In 1985, Brown left the band to spend more time with his family. But he made a comeback in the 1990s with two solo tours. Errol embarked on a farewell tour in 2009, telling Breakfast he had 'done all [I] wanted to do. I'm getting a little older now. It's hard to pack the suitcase and get back on the road again. But the music will be there, so that won't go away.' In a message on his website after the tour, he thanked fans for coming out in such large numbers to show their love and support. 'The atmosphere at the concerts were the best ever,' he wrote, 'and you played your part in making me realise just how wrong it would have been to have just drifted away and not say goodbye. The love I felt at each concert will stay in my heart forever.' Errol is survived by his wife Ginette and daughters, Colette and Leonie.

So, anyway, for the post general erection Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's former President George Clinton and the some parliamentary types. If only it were dear blog reader, if only it were.

BAFTA Cymru took Doctor Who stateside to celebrate ten years of the revival of the popular, long-running family SF drama. The Welsh BAFTAs, in collaboration with BAFTA New York, announced a special screening in New York on Thursday 14 May. Two hundred and twenty people were treated to a screening of the episode Listen, starring yer actual Peter Capaldi. Chairman of BAFTA New York Charles Tremayne said: 'Doctor Who is such an iconic part of British television culture that it's always a privilege to celebrate its enduring success here in New York. The last ten years since the re-launch in Cardiff have been among the most memorable of its many years on-air.' He added: 'Apart from some great backstage stories, it will be great to hear from Steven how they keep Doctor Who so fresh and part of the zeitgeist around the world.' The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat added: 'I loved Doctor Who on screen, long before I ever worked on it, just as I loved New York in the movies long before I ever got to go there. It will be a pleasure to combine both fantasies.'
The Wales Online website,meanwhile, has reported that The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat is to continue as Doctor Who's showrunner for at least one more series. Speaking at the previously mentioned New York event, Steven was interviewed on stage by the journalist Jaci Stephen and you read her report on what they talked about, here. In this, Jaci confirms that Steven will be in charge of Doctor Who for series ten. Which is, of course, proper great news - not only because Steven is a fine and imaginative writer and producer but also, specifically, because this news will really piss off The Special People. And, that's always a good thing.
Further location photos from the current - ninth - series of Doctor Who, in production as we speak, have been published. Yer actual Peter Capaldi and that Ingrid Oliver have been spotted on the Knap at Barry. (Note, Osgood now seems to have moved on to the fifth/sixth/seventh Doctors' costumes judging by the question marks on her blouse.)
Meanwhile, Jenna Coleman her very self has been filming scenes in Cardiff.
Doctor Who is - as previously announced - bringing back Ingrid Oliver's Osgood character and a classic monster - and writer Peter Harness has promised an 'huge cliffhanger' for the two-part adventure. Harness - who previously wrote series eight's Kill The Moon - has scripted a second adventure for Peter Capaldi's Time Lord, which will reintroduce both Oliver's character and the shape-shifting aliens, The Zygons. 'It's a bit unbelievable to be bringing [The Zygons] back again - and also Osgood as well, another fan favourite,' Peter told the Digital Spy website. 'It's a privilege to be telling a story about those two, and I think it's quite an exciting story as well. Unfortunately I've got two fan favourites in my hands now, which can only set me up to disappoint people!' The ninth series of Doctor Who is expected to revive the two-parter format, with The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat previously telling the same site that he is 'changing the rhythm' of the show. 'It's nice to do a cliffhanger,' said Harness. 'And I tried to do the biggest cliffhanger I possibly could.'
Yer actual Peter Davison has spoken about Doctor Who, saying that he believes it will 'go on indefinitely.' Peter - who played The Doctor between 1981 and 1984 - says that as long as people like Russell Davies and Steven Moffat continue to work on the show, he expects it to be around for the foreseeable future. The actor - seen below at a recent awards event with The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and his son-in-law, David Tennant - was speaking to BANG Showbiz: 'I think it will go on fairly indefinitely. As long as there are people who are fans of the programme who keep on making the programme it will be fine.' He added: 'That's the reason it came back on-air and has been on TV for ten years. Russell Davies is a big Doctor Who fan; Steven Moffat is a big Doctor Who fan and I think those people understand the programme and understand that sometimes it has to re-invent itself and move on and do things differently and I think while those sort of people are at the helm then the show will continue.'
The Daleks have invaded Newcastle in advance of the forthcoming Doctor Who Spectacular, which visits the city on Thursday 28 May. Don't worry though, dear blog reader, they might, by the look of things, have taken the Quayside but they haven't reached Stately Telly Topping Manor. Yet. The Daleks were seen on the Millennium Bridge over the River Tyne threatening to exterminate passers-by and later up at the Metro Radio Arena where the show is set to appear in the half-term in a fortnight.
Sherlock fans, rejoice and start jumping up and down and waving your knickers in the air. Or,you know, whatever floats your boat. The fourth series of the hit BBC drama starring yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self will start filming in the spring of 2016. Co-creator The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat confirmed the news to press while speaking alongside his wife, and co-producer, Sue Vertue at the BAFTA winners press conference last weekend. Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) has previously said that the series will represent 'an emotional upheaval' and leave fans 'desperate' for series five. He said: '[Series four] is going to be, I suppose you'd say, [about] consequences. Chickens come to roost. It's dark in some ways - obviously it's great fun and a Sherlock Holmes romp and all that - but there's a sense of things coming back to bite you.' Moffat and Mark Gatiss usually release a trio of teaser words in the summer prior to filming, which gesture towards the episodes' full titles ('Woman/Hound/Fall' for series two, 'Rat/Wedding/Bow' for series three). So, assuming that pattern will continue, we can probably expect to get series four's key words unveiled either at Comic-Con in July or the Edinburgh TV Festival in August. Before the fourth series hits the screens, of course, fans can look forward to the forthcoming one-off Sherlock Victorian special which will be broadcast around Christmas. The ninety-minute special will be completely separate from other episodes, with The Moffat describing it as 'its own little bubble.'
So, are you befuddled as to why Sherlock is heading back to the Victorian era, dear blog reader? Steven Moffat, of course, has the answer. The upcoming special - rumoured to be an adaptation of Arthur Conan Doyle's Christmas story The Adventure of The Blue Carbuncle - will be a one-off set in 1895, with yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self playing 'period' versions of their characters. 'We've got, I think you can safely say, the Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson of a generation - we want to see them do it in the proper outfits, just once,' Moffat said at the BAFTAs. 'That makes them the only two who've done both [period and contemporary] - apart from Rathbone and Bruce, who we venerate, of course.' The Moffat admitted that he and Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss were 'giddy' on-set for the special. 'We were ridiculous,' he admitted. 'Running around, saying, "He's wearing the deerstalker! Look at that moustache!" It's very exciting.'
And, speaking of the BAFTAs, Ant McPartlin and/or Dec Donnelly picked up two prizes at the BAFTA Television Awards for the second year in a row last Sunday evening. The cheeky-chappie-doon-Th'-Bigg-Market-duo won best entertainment show and best entertainment performance for their ITV show Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. Picking up their first prize, Ant McPartlin told the audience: 'What a great start to the show - for us. We're delighted with it.' ITV's Coronation Street won best soap in the year it celebrated its sixtieth anniversary. Producer Stuart Blackburn dedicated the award to 'his friend and colleague' Anne Kirkbride, who died in January after forty two years playing Deidre Barlow. 'Sometimes people sneer at soaps,' he said, 'but we do some of the best moments on television.' Detective drama Sherlock won the Radio Times audience award, beating the likes of EastEnders, Strictly Come Dancing, The Great British Bake Off and Game Of Thrones. But its star, yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch, who absented himself from the ceremony to look after his pregnant wife, lost out on the best actor prize for the third time. The honour went instead to the very excellent Jason Watkins, for his role in The Lost Honour Of Christopher Jeffries. The real-life drama, about the former teacher who was wrongly accused of the murder of his tenant, Joanna Yeates, also received the award for best mini-series. Best actress went to newcomer Georgina Campbell, who played a seventeen-year-old victim of domestic abuse in Murdered By My Boyfriend. After beating Keeley Hawes, Sheridan Smith and Sarah Lancashire, Campbell admitted that she had not written a victory speech, because she did not expect to win. One of the night's other big winners was BBC2's Marvellous, which told the story of Neil Baldwin, a man with learning difficulties who became kit man with Stoke City Football Club. It picked up best single drama, while Gemma Jones, who played Baldwin's mother, Mary, won best supporting actress. The seventy two-year-old said: 'I'd like to thank the real Neil [Baldwin] for allowing us to intrude on his extraordinary life.'At the beginning of the evening, BBC1 led the field with twenty three nominations. However, awards were more evenly distributed among the UK's major broadcasters. Channel Four received the most awards - six in total - including best feature programme for Grand Designs, which beat The Great British Bake Off. Sky News picked up the news award for its coverage of the Ebola crisis in West Africa, while BBC3 took home two prizes. BBC1's Happy Valley won best drama, while the comedy actor prizes went to Matt Berry for the vastly over-rated Toast Of London and Jessica Hynes for W1A. To rapturous applause, the actress told the audience: 'I'm from a single parent family. I'm really worried about the cuts that are coming in state education and to people in low income families, because I don't feel low income means low talent, low imagination or low intelligence.' Ooo, bit of politics there. Rather patronising as well, coming form a highly paid actress. Anyway, the awards, hosted by Graham Norton, were held at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane. Norton his very self received a BAFTA, for best comedy entertainment programme - dead-panning 'yay, me,' to the cameras. Addressing the audience, he said: 'Most of us, I'm sure, have been in great big stinkers - turkeys so big they wouldn't fit in a domestic oven. When you're in a turkey, you never blame yourself. It was badly written, it was badly scheduled. Equally, it stands to reason if you're in something good, it's nothing to do with you either!' In the international category, two of the four nominations went to streaming service Netflix, showing the increasing impact of non-traditional broadcasters. But the category was eventually won - and, rightly so - by the HBO series True Detective. Lifetime achievement awards were received by Channel Four newscaster Jon Snow and the screenwriter Jeff Pope, whose credits included the recent hit Cilla and the movie Philomena. Charlie Brooker led a celebration of television critic, broadcaster and poet Clive James. 'Summarising Clive James is a daunting task,' claimed Brooker. Well, smug - although not entirely unamusing - Australian git should probably do it. 'Throughout his career he's juggled popular appeal with the high arts. Not many people can claim to have hosted a mainstream Saturday night TV show and published an acclaimed literary translation of Dante's Inferno. Not even Nick Knowles.' Heh. Clive, who received a BAFTA Special Award earlier, was too ill to attend the ceremony but a film was shown documenting the highlights of his varied television career. 'I only wish I could be with you,' said the broadcaster, who has terminal cancer, in a brief video message. He said that he missed his television career 'sorely' but maintained he had made the correct decision when he retired when he did in 2001. Holding aloft his BAFTA trophy, he added: 'I've at last realised who that is. They've poured molten gold on a wax face mask of Benedict Cumberbatch.'

Meanwhile, in a small town in Dorset ...
To the ratings: ITV's Safe House topped the overnights outside of soaps on Monday. The final episode of the Christopher Eccleston-fronted thriller brought in n overnight audience of 4.46m at 9pm. Earlier, Wild Ireland interested 2.96m at 8pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip gathered 1.06m at 7pm, before The Great Chelsea Garden Challenge averaged 1.91m at 8pm and Seventy Million Animal Mummies: Egypt's Dark Secret was watched by intrigued nine hundred and ninety thousand at 9pm. Episodes followed with nine hundred and seventy thousand viewers at 10pm. Channel Four's Damned Designs was seen by 1.51m at 8pm, while sick poverty tourism Benefits Street returned for a second series with a depressingly large 2.51m punters at 9pm. The Night Bus was watched by eight hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, the latest episode of Gotham attracted eight hundred and thirty one thousand at 9pm and Person of Interest brought in five hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. A new episode of Game Of Thrones continued to be a ratings success for Sky Atlantic with 1.05m overnight viewers at 9pm.

The latest series of Big Brother's launch episode was up on last year's opening show, according to overnight figures for Tuesday. The Channel Five reality Victorian freak show returned with 1.70m at 9pm. The figure is up by three hundred thousand viewers on the corresponding overnight audience for last June's launch, but down on the overnight figures for the launch of Celebrity Big Brother in January, which attracted 3.09m. ITV's coverage of yer actual Barcelona's Champions League aggregate victory over Bayern München their very selves was the night's most-watched programme across all channels with 3.45m between 7.30pm and 10pm. A figure which, in and of itself, gives dear blog readers an idea of just what a shocking night it was all-round. On BBC1, Twenty Four Hours In The Past continued with 3.04m at 9pm, while Del Boys & Dealers gathered 1.51m at 10.45pm. BBC2's Antiques Road Trip interested 1.22m at 7pm, before The Great Chelsea Garden Challenge brought in 1.87m at 8pm and Wastemen was watched by 1.79m at 9pm. Kirstie & Phil's Love It Or List It was watched by 1.48m on Channel Four at 8pm. Meanwhile, No Offence shed seven hundred and thirty thousand viewers for its second episode, with 1.42m tuning in at 9pm. BBC3's Stacey Dooley Investigates averaged four hundred and sixty eight thousand punters at 9pm.

It is the most unlikely media-related u-turn since the Sun dumped page three – the Daily Lies has, seemingly, turned its back on Big Brother. The joke of a newspaper, Big Brother's most consistent arse-licking fan since it returned to television on Channel Five, tells its readers the show is 'in crisis' after 'half-a-million fans switched off.' The Lies suggests viewers are 'moaning' the new series is 'full of wannabes' and 'not real people' (although how that differentiates this particular version from previous series is not entirely clear). But, perhaps the paper's sudden change of heart should not be quite so unexpected – until last year both Channel Five and the Daily Lies were owned by soft-core pornographer Richard Desmond, before he sold the channel to MTV owner Viacom for four hundred and fifty million smackers in a deal completed last September. This is the first run of Big Brother since then (although there was a celebrity edition at the beginning of the year). An alleged - though, obviously, anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'TV insider' allegedly told the alleged paper that Big Brother is just a 'watered down version of the celebrity version. There's just as much egotism and attention-seeking but we don't know who any of these people are – so why should we care about them?' Good question, matey. We may see an echo of the media coverage of the show when it first aired on Channel Five in 2011 after it was axed by Channel Four, when it was largely ignored by all of the other tabloids apart from Desmond's Lies (and Daily Scum Express).
Inspector George Gently topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Wednesday. The popular BBC1 period crime drama brought in 5.45m for its latest ninety-minute episode at 8pm, while Peter Kay's Car Share - the funniest thing the comedian has made in a decade at least - continued strongly with 4.59m at 9.30pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip averaged eight hundred and thirty thousand at 7pm, before The Great Chelsea Garden Challenge interested 1.34m at 8pm. The Great British Garden Watch gathered 1.16m at 9pm. Rory Bremner's Election Report followed with 1.27m at 10pm. ITV's vastly amusing Wednesday night floppage - soaps aside - continue. Risible, mawkish and trite Give A Pet A Home was watched by 2.08m at 8pm, while Newzoids continued to shed viewers, being watched by a mere 1.56m at 9pm. Then, it got worse with The Delivery Man getting just nine hundred and thirty two thousand punters at 9.30pm. The World's Most Expensive Food was, if you will, devoured by 1.71m on Channel Four at 8pm, while The Island With Bear Grylls continued to pull in decent figures being watched by 2.22m at 9pm. That's higher than anything on ITV between 8pm and 10pm. Big Brother was Channel Five's highest rated programme of the night with 1.12m for its first highlights show at 10pm. Earlier, Cats Make You Laugh Out Loud was gawped at by eight hundred and nine thousand glakes at 8pm and Autopsy attracted nine hundred thousand punters at 9pm. Jane The Virgin'audience rose to one hundred and ninety nine thousand on E4 at 9pm, while Nashville's season three premiere was watched by one hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm.

Watchdog was the most popular programme outside of soaps on Thursday, according to overnight data. The long-running BBC1 consumer show, in which Claudia Winkleman recounted the horror of her daughter's Hallow'een burns, was watched by 3.69m at 8pm. Later, Shark brought in 3.07m at 9pm. Later, Question Time appealed to the last 2.88m million people in this country who aren't sick to bloody death with politics at 10.45pm. ITV's Tonight interested 1.90m at 7.30pm, while You've Been Framed!, as usual, failed to amuse 1.64m at 8.30pm. Fraud Squad continued with 1.87m at 9pm on a Thursday night which managed to make its Wednesday night look almost respectable. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip continued with 1.14m at 7pm, before The Great Chelsea Garden Challenge gathered 1.72m at 8pm and The Game averaged 1.15m at 9pm. The final episode of W1A's latest series was watched by nine hundred and twenty thousand viewers at 10pm. Channel Four's Born Naughty? interested 1.90m at 8pm, while the penultimate episode of The Island With Bear Grylls drew 2.31m at 9pm. On Channel Five, 1.25m watched The Hotel Inspector at 9pm, while Big Brother continued with 1.14m at 10pm.

Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites opened to more than two million overnight viewers on BBC2 on Friday. The new cooking show was seen by an average audience of 2.3 million at 8pm. It was sandwiched between Antiques Road Trip with 1.09 million and Gardeners' World with 2.13 million. Britain's Greatest Generation and The Clare Balding Show were seen by 1.15 million and eight hundred and seventy thousand. Have I Got News For You was the evening's highest-rated show outside of soaps, securing 4.43 million at 9pm on BBC1. BBC1's evening kicked-off with 3.36 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, while 2.83 million watched A Question Of Sport immediately after. Repeats of The Vicar Of Dibley and Mrs Brown's Boys drew respective audiences of 2.5 million and 3.39 million. The Graham Norton Show ended the evening with 3.34 million at 10.35pm. On ITV, Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis continued with but 2.33 million at 8pm, while Man & Beast With Martin Clunes débuted with 2.72 million. The latest live episode of Big Brother attracted an average audience of 1.26 million to Channel Five. The returning Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown entertained 1.51 million at 9pm on Channel Four. It was sandwiched between Marvel's Agents of SHIELD with six hundred thousand punters and Alan Carr: Chatty Man with 1.11 million.

The BBC's fantasy flop Atlantis bowed out with just two and a half million overnight viewers for its final episode of Saturday. The feature-length finale of the not-even-remotely lamented BBC1 drama averaged 2.51m between 7pm and 8.30pm. Afterwards, The National Lottery: In It To Win It and Casualty were watched by 2.29m and 4.08m viewers respectively. The evening ended with 3.11 million watching Match Of The Day and yet another disgracefully cowardly and inept display by the the bunch of over-paid wastrels whom this blogger has spent his life supporting. This blogger can even be bothered to get angry any longer. Have fun in The Championship next year, boys. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat entertained 1.1m before the terrestrial début of Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa managed a million punters from 9.20pm. Britain's Got Toilets continued strongly on ITV, earning 9.65m from 8pm. Ninja Warrior UK attracted 4.53m and Play To The Whistle carried on struggling with a mere 2.39m. On Channel Four, The World's Most Extreme ... averaged nine hundred and two thousand in the 8pm hour. The Hunger Games drew 1.06m afterwards. Channel Five's latest Big Brother episode was seen by but six hundred and ninety three thousand from 9.20pm, one of the lowest audiences for the Victorian freak show since Channel Five picked it up. CSI followed with six hundred and eight two thousand.

Countryfile was the most watched overnight programme on Sunday evening. The long-running BBC1 magazine show gathered 6.27 million punters at 7pm, while Antiques Roadshow appealed to 5.82m at 8pm. The opening episode of the BBC's much-anticipated adaptation of Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell - which yer actual Keith Telly Topping thoroughly enjoyed, incidentally - followed with a more than decent 4.53m at 9pm. Over on BBC2, Demolition brought in 1.61m at 8pm, while The Detectives interested 1.40m at 9pm. ITV's latest example of waste-of-space z-list tosh and nonsense Celebrity Squares continued with a satisfyingly rubbish 1.63m at 7.15pm, before Sunday Night At The Palladium drew 3.37m at 8pm. The period drama Home Fires dipped slightly week-on-week to 4.53m at 9pm. On Channel Four, For The Love Of Cars was seen by 1.03m at 8pm and Grayson Perry's Dream House had an audience of eight hundred and seventy thousand at 9pm. Big Brother's latest episode averaged 1.02m for Channel Five at 9pm while The Rock appealed to five hundred and thirty seven thousand at 10pm.
Here's the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Three programmes for the week-ending Sunday 10 May 2015:-
1 Britain's Got Toilets - Sat ITV - 11.02m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.70m
3 EastEnders - Tues BBC1 - 7.26m
4 Inspector George Gently - Wed BBC1 - 6.87m
5 Peter Kay's Car Share - Wed BBC1 - 6.30m
6 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 6.15m
7 Emmerdale - Tues ITV - 6.14m
8 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.97m
9 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.48m
10 The British Academy Television Awards - Sun BBC1 - 5.43m
11 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 5.39m
12 Home Fires - Sun ITV - 5.17m*
13 VE Day Seventy: A Party To remember - Sat BBC1 - 5.14m
14 Safe House - Mon ITV - 4.79m*
15= Pointless - Mon BBC1 - 4.62m
15= Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.62m
17 Ten O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 4.58m
18 Gogglebox - Fri C4 - 4.47m
19 UEFA Champions League Live - Tues ITV - 4.27m
20 Shark - Thurs BBC1 - 3.99m
21 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 3.97m
22 The ONE Show - Thurs BBC1 - 3.72m
23Ninja Warrior UK - Sat ITV - 3.70m*
These figures, as usual, do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. ITV's woes continue. Spectacular flops Play To The Whistle (2.41m), Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis (2.10m) and Give A Pet A Home (a truly risible 1.87m) continue to provide more entertainment via their ludicrously low ratings figures than anything in the series' themselves. Much-hyped Spitting Image rip-off Newzoids continued to shed viewers faster than big hairy shedding thing. Neither it, nor the wretched, laughless 'comedy'The Delivery Man managed a consolidated audience of more than 1,85 million punters and didn't even make it into ITV's top thirty broadcasts of the week. BBC2's most-watched programme was their coverage of the final of the World Snooker Champiionship on Bank Holiday Monday (3.33m). An episode of Pointless bumped onto BBC2 due to the election coverage was watched by 2.82m. Inside The Factory: How Our Favourite Foods Are Made had 2.49m, followed by Charlie Brooker's Election Wipe (2.27m), Gardeners' World (two million) and The Game (1.77m). Aside from Gogglebox, Channel Four's highest-rated shows were No Offence (3.19m), The Island With Bear Grylls (2.95m) and Love It Or List It (2.10m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were the channel's popular US drama imports CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (1.53m), Gotham (1.52m) and NCIS (1.30m) and The Hotel Inspector (1.44m). Sky Atlantic's Game Of Thrones was the mutichannels most-watched broadcast of the week (1.92m), followed by E4's The Big Bang Theory (1.82m) and the second episode of Sky Living's The Enfield Haunting (1.30m). Foyle's War was ITV3's most-watched show with six hundred and ninety seven thousand viewers. Inspector Montalbano was, again, BBC4's highest-rated programme (six hundred and thirty one thousand). All Aborad! The Canal Trip drew five hundred and sixteen thousand, Horizon (four hundred and ninety thousand) and Great Guitar Riffs At The BBC (four hundred and sixty two thousand). BBC3's weekly ratings list was topped, as usual, not by a programme they made themselves but, rather by the movie Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (eight hundred and fifty six thousand). A Sherlock repeat drew seven hundred and eight thousand. They didn't make that, either, incidentally. ITV4's most watched broadcast was coverage of the Europa League (four hundred and fifty two thousand). 5USA's The Mysteries Of Laura attracted four hundred and fifty one thousand. Aside from The Enfield Haunting Sky Living's most watched programmes were Elementary (seven hundred and eighty nine thousand), Criminal Minds (seven hundred and fifty thousand) and The Blacklist (seven hundred and thirty five thousand). Sky 1's The Flash brought in 1.18m. On Dave, repeats of Mock The Week, Not Going Out and Qi XL were watched by three hundred and thirty nine thousand, three hundred and thirty eight thousand and three hundred and thirty five thousand punters respectively. The Pub Landlord Versus Nigel Farage had three hundred and one thousand. Drama's latest Judge John Deed repeat was watched by four hundred and forty seven thousand. Watch's Grimm had an audience of six hundred and three thousand. FOX's latest episode of NCIS's series twelve was watched by six hundred and seventy seven thousand. On Sky Sports News, Gillette Soccer Saturday drew four hundred and thirty thousand. On Discovery History, Special Forces' Secrets pulled in twenty four thousand viewers. The Discovery Channel's most watched shows were Gold Rush (four hundred and nineteen thousand) and Wheeler Dealers (two hundred and fifty nine thousand). CI's Crimes That Shook Britain attracted fifty eight thousand viewers whilst ID's Deadly Women drew sixty two thousand viewers. National Geographic's Car SOS was watched by seventy eight thousand. Yesterday's highest-rating show was Secrets Of The Bible (one hundred and ninety seven thousand).

The ITV network has suffered a three per cent drop in its audience share and a six per cent drop on its main channel after a string of factual and entertainment flops but reported a strong performance in advertising revenues earlier this week. Chief executive Adam Crozier said that improving the network's share of viewing was 'a key focus' for the broadcaster hit by strike action on Thursday in a dispute over pay ahead of its annual general meeting with shareholders. The company's shares were down more than three per cent in early trading. ITV said that 'net advertising revenues' rose twelve per cent to seven hundred and fifty four million knicker in the first three months of the year, adding that after 'stripping out' the 'benefit of acquisitions', its studios business also 'returned to organic growth.' But the broadcaster, which will lose its rights to the big-rating Champions League coverage at the beginning of the next football season, faces a tough challenge to turn around its declining audiences with its most popular drama, Downton Abbey, also coming to an end after the next series. ITV director of television Peter Fincham may look to Jezza Clarkson to turn around its fortunes after he met with the presenter and the former Top Gear team last week (see below). Britain's Got Toilets continues to perform well but Simon Cowell's other Saturday night talent show, The X Factor, is currently in transition after several years of declining ratings with a new look show to come in the autumn. ITV has had a handful of successful new dramas - and a couple of returning old favourites - over the last few months but it has also suffered a number of colossal factual flops, including Julia Bradbury's The Wonder Of Britain and has struggled to come up with new weekend entertainment shows with Get Your Shit Together, Planet's Got Toilets and Harry Hill's appalling reboot of Stars In Their Eyes all flopping bigger than Flopsy the Big Flopping Thing at the start of the year. The more recent fiasco that is Play To The Whistle has merely continued this trend. Its new Wednesday night line-up combining Amanda Holden's toxic Give A Pet A Home, spectacularly unfunny puppet show Newzoids and alleged 'sitcom'The Delivery Man is currently utterly failing to attract an audience. But ITV will see an audience boost in the second half of this year with live rights to the rugby world cup. ITV said that its key measure of net advertising revenue was expected to rise by about five per cent in the first half of the year, although advertising revenues across the ITV family of channels were down by five per cent in April and forecast to fall five per cent and up to seven per cent in May and June respectively due to tough comparisons after last year's football world cup. Crozier said: 'We've had a strong start to the year with further growth across all parts of the business.' This was, obviously, some new -and highly selective - use of the word 'strong' that most people with an understanding of the English language hadn't, previously, come across. He added: 'ITV family share of viewing was down three per cent in the first four months and improving SOV remains a key focus for the year.' The main ITV channel had a 14.7 per cent share in the first four months of 2015, down from 15.6 per cent in the same period in 2014. The ITV family of channels, including ITV2, ITV3, ITV4 as well as CITV, ITV Encore, ITVBe and its various other offshoots, fell from 21.6 per cent to 20.9 per cent over the same period. Crozier said: 'Our digital channels are growing audience share, up three per cent overall year-on-year and we are firmly focused on the main channel.' The group has been encouraged by the recent performance of prime-time programmes such as Britain's Got Toilets, Ninja Warrior and Vera and said that dramas, including Safe House, Home Fires and Code Of A Killer had been 'well received.' Which is true, albeit, they - along with their popular soaps, Coronation Street and Emmerdale - are just about the only things anyone is watching on ITV at present. ITV highlighted a number of high-profile dramas this year including Thunderbirds Are Go, The Good Witch, Texas Rising, Aquarius and Jekyll & Hyde. ITV saw pre-tax profits rise twenty three per cent to seven hundred and twelve million quid last year after net advertising revenues lifted six per cent to £1.63bn. The group has been reshaping its business to 'minimise exposure to volatility' in advertising markets by boosting spending on original content, buying up production companies to help produce programmes it can sell around the globe. ITV snapped up Talpa, the Dutch production company behind The Voice, in April in a deal that could cost up to seven hundred and eighty million notes.

Channel Four has been accused of 'killing animals to boost ratings' after contestants slashed the throat of a pig on its Bear Grylls reality show The Island which has attracted nearly five hundred whinges from viewers. Animal welfare groups including People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals - who are, obviously, not mental nor nothing - said that Channel Four had shown 'a callous disregard for life' on the show. Four women were shown creeping up to a sleeping pig before plunging a knife into its throat. The pig could be heard squealing throughout. It followed a previous episode of the show in which its male contestants accidentally killed and ate a rare species of crocodile. Channel Four said that it had so far received about four hundred and fifty whinges about the show, a large number of which are understood to relate to the pig and crocodile killings. Media regulator Ofcom said on Wednesday that it had received sixteen whinges about the show and was considering whether to launch an investigation. PETA director Mimi Bekhechi said: 'There is simply no excuse for this kind of callous disregard for life. TV producers and broadcasters can entertain audiences without resorting to cruelty to animals.' In the letter to Channel Four chief executive David Abraham, signed by PETA, Animal Aid, OneKind and Viva!, the groups whinged that they were 'outraged' to see that contestants 'were filmed slashing the throat of a terrified pig. Had this taken place in the UK, the contestants could face charges and, potentially, time in prison.'Yeah. But, it didn't. 'The producers revealed that the pigs had been shipped to the uninhabited Pearl Islands for the show, expressly so that they could be killed and eaten by contestants. Torturing and killing animals is a cruel way to attempt to boost ratings and sends an especially harmful message to your young viewers, who are greatly influenced by what they see on TV.' Suggesting that they believe a significant wave of pig killing is about to sweep the UK. Which, you know, would be ... newsworthy. 'It is this kind of outright disregard for animals that keeps caseworkers inundated with cruelty-to-animals reports year-round. We strongly urge you, as chief executive of Channel Four, to ensure that this kind of violence is never aired again by implementing a proper animal-welfare policy. We stand ready to meet with you about this important issue,' the whinge continued. Channel Four defended the scenes, saying that an important part of the show was finding out if the contestants were capable of 'hunting and killing for meat' and they had all been trained in killing animals humanely. 'An important part of the experiment was to find out if the men and women were capable of surviving alone and able to find sources of food, including hunting and killing for meat; a vital part of their survival as it is a source of valuable calories and protein,' said the broadcaster. 'All islanders were trained in the humane capture and dispatch of live animals and the animals were killed humanely.' The latest 'furore' - the word comes courtesy of the Gruniad Morning Star's reporting to this story - comes after Channel Four was forced to apologise last month after hungry male contestants on the show hunted down and ate a crocodile which was later revealed to be a protected endangered species. Channel Four said that it was 'a genuine and regrettable error' with a type of crocodile 'not known to be in the area or on the island.' The second series of the survival show, which was expanded to include women after the first series was criticised for only featuring men, is a big hit for Channel Four with overnight ratings of 2.5 million and consolidated audiences of more than three million viewers. It returned to Channel Four last month after a hit first series which won a BAFTA award last Sunday. Some critics accused the launch series of misleading viewers after it emerged that some of the contestants worked in the TV industry, had experience of survival or had worked with Grylls before. Producers also set up a water supply and transported two crocodiles to the island for food. Channel Four's head of factual entertainment, Liam Humphreys, later described the show as 'completely robust, there was no fakery. We explained we had a duty of care to keep the guys alive, it was the dry season and we needed to make sure they didn't run out of water. It's all in the voiceover”'

Conservative officials allegedly threatened the BBC with 'far-reaching reforms', such as changes to the licence fee funding system, if it did not alter the political balance of its coverage of the recent general erection campaign, Tom Baldwin, one of Ed Milimolimandi's senior advisers, has claimed. With no supporting evidence, it should be noted. Not that this blooger doesn't believe senior Tories would do such a thing but, you know, they have denied it. So, someone is clearly lying - it's just a question of which set of liars you trust more. Tough one, isn't it? Baldwin claimed that 'senior BBC executives and journalists' faced repeated threats during that campaign about what would happen if they didn't change their coverage. Baldwin made the assertion in a whinging Gruniad Morning Star article, one of the first comments on the much criticised campaign from Milimolimandi's own team. His claim was roundly rejected by Conservative officials. Baldwin alleged: 'BBC executives and journalists have told me that there were regular, repeated threats from senior Tories during this election campaign about "what would happen afterwards" if they did not fall into line.' He continued: 'It is a disturbing suggestion that a democratically elected government would seek to stamp on and silence dissent from an independent broadcaster.'Cos, of course, that's not the sort of thing Peter Mandelson and Alistair Campbell spent more than a decade trying to do, is it? Did you think we'd all forgotten about that nonsense, mate? But, Baldwin claims there 'has been a long-standing campaign by the Conservative party, fueled by the commercial interests of sections of the press, to attack the world's most successful state-funded public service broadcaster as a giant left-wing conspiracy.' He adds that although he has his own frustrations with the BBC, he describes it as an organisation 'too precious to lose', contending 'it has invested in fairness, seeks balance even when it is impossible to achieve, listens to and absorbs pressure from every political party.' A senior Conservative official said that Baldwin's allegations were 'complete and utter nonsense.' John Whittingdale, who has been a critic of the licence fee system, has been appointed lack of culture secretary, an appointment which has led some - right-wing - newspapers to claim the government is 'going to war' with the BBC. Front pages of the Torygraph, The Times and the Daily Scum Mail as well as the leader column of the Sun all sneeringly declared, with ill-disguised glee, that the appointment of the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale was 'a declaration of war' against the BBC which leaves the very future of the licence fee in doubt. Yet, according to the Gruniad, even senior - albeit, nameless - Tory 'sources' seemed 'somewhat taken aback' at the way the appointment of the vile ad odious Whittingdale – the veteran chair of the culture, media and sport select committee – was received by their friends in Fleet Street. 'I think there's a debate to be had about all sorts of things to do with the BBC [during charter renewal negotiations],' one alleged 'source'allegedly told the Gruniad, 'but, fundamentally, will there be a public service broadcaster largely funded by the public? Yes.' That debate – set to include an overhaul of BBC governance and the corporation's impact on the local newspaper industry – could be had 'without kneecapping the BBC', the alleged 'source' allegedly added. Some - unattributed - briefings have suggested that some Conservatives were unhappy at the stance taken by the BBC during the campaign, including over the handling of leader's TV debates. Baldwin, in common with many of Milimolimandi's staff, is being made extremely redundant and claims that responsibility for Labour defeat lies with him and all who took the decisions in the campaign. He had informed Milimolimandi he would not have stayed beyond the transitional months in Downing Street if Labour had won,he said. Baldwin revealed one reason he feels confident that the BBC does not contain a left-wing bias is that he fought and lost a daily battle with the BBC about its coverage of the campaign. He writes: 'Far from being in the pocket of Labour, the BBC was too easily swayed by newspapers that support the Tories and are heavily invested in Labour's defeat.' He claims that the party's 'biggest dispute' with the BBC during the campaign was over 'the prominence it gave to the idea of a deal between Labour and the SNP that was never on the cards. After the first two hundred and thirty seven incarnations on news bulletins, I struggled to see how this theme could be developed further, yet the BBC continued to lead with speculation about bizarre consequences of a Labour-SNP government for the economy, tax, and even road schemes. At no stage was there an examination of David Cameron, Nicola Sturgeon and Nick Clegg's motives in playing tag-team with almost identical messages on the same non-existent deal. It was a scare-story based on a false premise and some badly flawed polls.' Baldwin's remarks about the polls suggests the Labour party was not overly influenced by internal party polling which was consistently less optimistic than national published polling. The party's internal polling showed crossover – the point at which the Conservatives overtook Labour – occurred in the wake of the party conferences in October, but then Labour clawed itself back into the lead in the first few weeks of the short campaign, possibly by offering reassurance on the deficit and immigration. That lead disappeared in the final week and its focus groups showed the party was being badly hit by the Tory warnings about the threat posed by the SNP. It tried to fight back in the final week with its own warnings about the threat to the NHS posed by a second Tory term, but the story gained little traction partly because the broadcasters had moved to a debate about how a new coalition would be formed, or whether Labour would form a minority government. Jim Messina, one of the Tory campaign managers, has agreed with Baldwin's analysis that broadcasters in the UK unlike in America are heavily influenced by the press. He told the Spectator's Coffee House blog: 'Our research showed when there were big stories or big moments, it was the press that drove that discussion and that is very different.' He also claimed on the basis of Labour's polling that the party leadership knew for some time the Conservatives were on course to win more than three hundred seats. In the Coffee House interview, Messina, a former aide to Barack Obama, said: 'We predicted three hundred and twelve seats that morning to Lynton [Crosby] and three hundred and sixteen was right in line with that, so it just kind of validated what we'd been seeing. I had thought we were three hundred and six [seats] with six days left. So that's all pretty much in-line with the exit poll.' He is scathing about the British polling industry listing several reasons why they make mistakes, including relying on a 2010 view of the electorate, failing to name the candidate in constituency polling, therefore failing to recognise the incumbency effect, too small sample sizes and failing to mix traditional phone polls with online polling. Messina said: 'It was so clear – especially for the entire last month – that they were wrong, but none of them wanted to hear about it. So the first thing to fixing a problem is admitting you have one.' There is deep scepticism in the British polling industry that Labour and the Conservatives had private polls way out of line with what they were publishing. The polling industry has set up an independent inquiry into how it managed to get the result wrong.

The BBC could lose the rights to major sporting events like the Olympics if the licence fee is cut significantly, the head of BBC Sport has claimed. According to that good friend of the Beeb, the Daily Torygraph, Barbara Slater warned of 'a tipping point' at which the BBC will not be able to afford top sporting championships. The BBC has the rights to the Olympics until 2020, as well as events like Wimbledon and the Six Nations. The current TV licence fee will remain at £145.50 until at least April 2017. The fee has been frozen since 2010, leading to real-terms cuts in departments like BBC Sport. Its cost will be reviewed in the next eighteen months, when the corporation's Royal Charter is renegotiated. The Torygraph reported that Slater, who was speaking at the paper's Business of Sport conference, predicted 'challenges around the licence fee going forward.' She said: 'Having had a number of years now flat licence fee, which has resulted in smaller budget for individual divisions such as sport, there is going to come a tipping point at which the BBC does need investment if it is going to continue to compete for, I think, events that people really treasure on the BBC, like the Olympics and some of the major championships. And, of course, we're exploring a multitude of different solutions to that, including sharing with other broadcasters. There is still a very, very significant investment that we're currently making. But, to see that on a significantly downward trajectory, I think, would be enormously damaging to the ecology of sports broadcasting.' Speaking at the same event, ITV director of sport Niall Sloane said that he supported the licence fee but criticised the way it was being spent. 'There is just far too much management [at the BBC],' he was quoted as saying by the Torygraph. ho, obviously, don't have any sick agenda at work in this regard. Oh no, very hot water. 'It's astonishing. And no matter how many people from the BBC tell you they've cut this and they've cut that, there are swathes of people doing jobs that don't need to exist and doing them in a mediocre way,' Sloane claimed. Although how, exactly, he knows this, he didn't elaborate. The debate follows the appointment of the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale as the new secretary of state for culture, media and sport. The vile and odious rascal Whittingdale has previously said that the licence fee is 'becoming harder and harder to justify and sustain' in its current form. In 2012, the BBC secured the UK's exclusive Olympic broadcast rights until Tokyo 2020. At that time, the deal was reported to have cost around sixty million smackers. The BBC also has exclusive rights to Wimbledon until 2017 and shares coverage of the football World Cup, European Championships and FA Cup as well as the Six Nations and Formula One.

Armando Iannucci is to direct a film based on the graphic novel Death of Stalin. Created by French writer Fabien Nury, the novel focuses on the final days of Stalin and the demise of the regime after his death. Iannucci, who created The Thick Of It and Veep, is expected to start filming next year.

After the success of Wolf Hall, author Hilary Mantel is having another novel adapted for television by the BBC. A screen version of 1992 French revolution novel A Place Of Greater Safety is currently in the early stages of development, Broadcast reports. The book is based on Georges Danton, Camille Desmoulins and Maximilien Robespierre's involvement in the French Revolution. The TV script is being written by Richard Warlow, creator and writer of Ripper Street. It will be produced by DNA TV Limited, a joint venture between DNA Films and the FOX Networks. Wolf Hall's executive producer Colin Callender has said that he is 'eager' to work on a sequel. The six episodes starring Mark Rylance, Claire Foy and Damien Lewis ('he's Henery the Eighth he is, he is') were based on Mantel's Wolf Hall (2009) and Bring Up the Bodies (2012) and its première was the most-watched drama launch on the channel in a decade. A second series would be based on the third and final instalment of her trilogy The Mirror &The Light, which is due for publication later this year.
Rylan Clark, Sarah Harding and Chesney Hawkes have been announced for Celebrity MasterChef's 2015 series. They are joined by Keith Chegwin, Yvette Fielding, Arlene Phillips and others for an 'only slightly less z-list than usual' tenth anniversary series of the cookery contest. Twelve episodes will be broadcast over six weeks this summer. The first four heat weeks will see judges John Torode and Gregg Wallace whittle down the twenty z-list celebrity entrants to eight semi-finalists. Finals week ends in a ninety-minute contest between the three remaining cooks, feeding an all-female Chef's Table hosted by Michelin starred Angela Hartnett.
Three further episodes of the next - M - series of Qi have been filmed in London this week. Medieval & Macabre will feature a second appearance this series by Matt Lucas, semi-regular David Mitchell and Australian comedienne Julia Zemiro. The third episode - as yet untitled - includes Bill Bailey, Sue Perkins and first time guest Romesh Ranganathan, whilst the fourth episode which, also, has not had its title announced, will see return appearances by Mitchell and Perkins and another new face for the show, Pakistani stand-up comedian Sami Shah. A further three episodes will be filmed on Monday and Tuesday of next week with filming scheduled to continue on the series' sixteen episodes until June.
It's good news for Twin Peaks fans as the cult drama's much-anticipated return is back on. Creator David Lynch tweeted that the series' revival on Showtime is 'happening again' - and with more than the nine episodes initially planned. Lynch - who reunited with the cast at a recent dinner - left the project earlier this year because of budget constraints. Showtime president David Nevins has confirmed that Lynch is to direct the entire series, which will now include more than the originally-announced nine episodes.

British fans won't have to wait for the new season of True Detective. Sky Atlantic has announced plans to simulcast new episodes of the cult crime drama alongside its US transmission on Monday 22 June at 2am. The series will also be broadcast in a yet-to-be-announced primetime slot. The second season of Nic Pizzolatto's series moves from the Bayou to California, with a whole new tale of corruption and consequences. California Highway Patrol officer Paul Woodrugh (Taylor Kitsch) turns his community upside down when he stumbles upon a grizzly crime scene. The investigation of this crime will bring together local detective Ani Bezzerides (Rachel McAdams), corrupt cop Ray Velcoro (Colin Farrell) and the weary gangster Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn). And, despite his reservations that it can't, possibly, be as good as the first series, this blogger has to note that the first trailers look fantastic.
Ripper Street will return for a fourth and a fifth series, after becoming the most-watched show on Amazon Prime Instant Video in the UK. Amazon resurrected the period procedural after it was axed by the BBC, with the third series - released in November - proving to be a success for the online outlet. Two further series have now been commissioned, with launch dates for both to be announced later this year. Series three will have its first terrestrial broadcast on BBC1 this summer. Ripper Street writer and creator Richard Warlow said: 'It is a great privilege to be asked to continue this journey through Victorian Whitechapel. I had always hoped that Ripper Street would live to follow the world of H Division right through to the end of the Victorian age itself; so with many great thanks to Amazon, and all those viewers who have taken Ripper Street to their hearts, it's a delight to have now been given that very opportunity.' Matthew Macfadyen, who plays Edmund Reid on the drama, added: 'I'm delighted to be embarking on another dose of Ripper Street - blood and guts, pocket watches and Victorian head-gear, wonderfully dark, moving and mysterious story lines from Mister Richard Warlow. Thanks Amazon.'
Woody Allen has admitted he made a 'catastrophic mistake' signing up to create a TV series for Amazon's online video service. The seventy nine-year-old was commissioned to write and direct the six-part untitled show earlier this year. 'I'm doing my best with it, but I should never have gotten into it,' he said at the Cannes film festival. 'I thought six half-hours would be a cinch, but it's not. It's very hard. I'm not good at it, I'm floundering.' He added: 'It could be a cosmic embarrassment. I just hope I don't disappoint Amazon.' When it was announced in January Allen was making the series, the director made similar self-deprecating comments about the project. 'I don't know how I got into this - I have no ideas and I'm not sure where to begin,' he said. The TV series - the first Allen has ever created - is due to be available to Amazon Prime subscribers in the US, UK and Germany next year.
Woody Allen is a big favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's good chum and sometime writing partner, the Housewives Choice Alfie Joey. And, so is the late Peter Falk, hence, this blogger was sure this article about a statue to the great Columbo actor being erected in Budapest would amuse him. And, it did. Installed in 2014 at an estimated cost of over sixty thousand dollars, the bronze statue was part of an overall rejuvenation project in the area, although exactly why the figure was chosen is a bit of a mystery. According to a quote given to the Wall Street Journal by Antal Rogán, district mayor at the time, Peter Falk may have been related to the Nineteenth-Century Hungarian political figure Miksa Falk, for whom the street is named, although he concedes that this connection has 'yet to be proved.' The American Falk, to be fair, was known to have had Hungarian roots through his grandparents on one side of the family, but has never been definitively linked to Miksa Falk's family. Still, this blogger reckons he deserves the statue for his work on Columbo alone.
BBC News reporter Norman Smith made an 'unfortunate mistake' during a report on former - and, probably, future - UKiP leader Nigel Farage on Thursday. The journalist was reporting on suggestions that Farage has turned the party into a 'personality cult' but, accidentally, used the word 'cunt' instead. At least, we're assuming it was accidental. Some might regard this as 'fair comment'.
The great Harry Shearer has indicated a contract dispute has led to him quitting The Simpsons after more than twenty five years. The actor tweeted that signing up to a new series would have stopped him from doing other work. Harry seemed to signal his exit by claiming that a lawyer for the executive producer said the show 'would go on' without him. In a follow-up tweet, Shearer mooted it was 'because I wanted what we've always had: the freedom to do other work.' Last week the FOX network confirmed it had commissioned two more series of the long-running animated sitcom. According to reports at the time, Shearer had yet to sign a new contract. Having wished executive producer James L Brooks 'the very best', Shearer went on to thank fans of the show 'for [their] support.' The seventy one-year-old provides the voices for such established Simpsons characters as rapacious billionaire tyrant Montgomery Burns, addled school principal Seymour Skinner and Ned Flanders, Homer Simpson's hyper-religious neighbour as well as Kent Brockman, Waylon Smithers, the Reverend Lovejoy, Doctor Hibbert, Lenny Leonard, Otto Mann, Rainier Wolfcastle and others. The actor's other famous roles included bass player Derek Smalls in the celebrated, if you will, rockumentary This Is Spinal Tap and Richard Nixon in Sky Arts'Nixon's The One.
The fallout from Shearer's announced departure from The Simpsons has begun,amid claim and counter-claim, with showrunner Al Jean telling The Hollywood Reporter that he doesn't know why Shearer would want to leave the show. In a new interview, Jean said that Shearer was offered the same deal as the rest of the show's voice cast, all of whom extended their contracts for the next two years earlier this month. Jean goes on to reiterate that he doesn't know what, exactly, the show is preventing Shearer from doing and that he is allowed to record his voice parts over the phone, so he doesn't see what the big deal is. 'He lives in England. He does a radio show and a play about Nixon. I'm not trying to be argumentative but I have no idea what we're preventing him from doing. The time commitment for him is: there are twenty two reads, which you can do via phone. One hour per phone. He can record via phone, doing more than one episode at once, and pick those up within an hour or two. So, if you do that math, I don't know. This is why I'm really baffled. He's saying it's not the money, and it can't be money because there's not going to be a different offer he's going to get.' Unlike co-creator James L Brooks, who extended a friendly tweet to Shearer after the announcement, Jean doesn't seem like he has much patience for Shearer's position. Jean, who has already said that the show will recast Shearer's various parts, says that it would be 'very difficult' to find one person who could do all of the voices that Shearer does on The Simpsons and that, since the show has always tried to keep Shearer happy, they don't have any actors immediately lined-up to replace him. 'That's at least an issue for next week, if not later. It'll be done,' he suggests.

Rupert Everett is set to follow in the footsteps of yer actual Peter Capaldi and, less successfully, Marc Warren by playing the protagonist in the BBC drama The Musketeers' third series. Everett has been cast as Philippe Achille, Marquis de Feron - illegitimate brother to Louis XIII (Ryan Gage) and the corrupt Governor of Paris. Jamaica Inn actor Matthew McNulty will also join the cast as Lucien Grimaud, a money lender and vicious criminal who goes up against the Musketeers. The pair will join returning cast members Luke Pasqualino, Tom Burke, Howard Charles, Santiago Cabrera, Hugo Speer, Ryan Gage, Alexandra Dowling and Tamla Kari. The Musketeers creator Adrian Hodges will not return as showrunner for the third series, with Simon Ashford and Simon Allen serving as lead writers and Matthew Bird (whose previous work includes Fortitude and Death In Paradise) joining as producer. New episodes have been shooting in Prague since April.
Jezza Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May have reunited for a new YouTube channel. The former - and, probably future - Top Gear trio are currently teasing their upcoming Clarkson, Hammond & May Live tour using the hashtag Back On The Road. In their first video, Jezza opens with a subtle reference to his departure from the BBC - 'Hello, I used to be Jeremy Clarkson' - while The Hamster and Captain Slow reckon that their new name 'will never catch on.'
Cardiff City cult hero Robin Friday is to be portrayed in a new film of his life by Sam Claflin. Friday played just twenty one league games for City in the 1976 to 1977 period, but his notoriety off the pitch and his ability on it made him one of the game's great characters. The biopic, which begins filming in September, is to be directed by Oscar-nominated film-maker Henry Alex Rubin. It is based on a biography of Friday - The Greatest Football You Never Saw - by music journalist Paolo Hewitt and ex-Oasis bass player Paul McGuigan. Friday's on-field performances were regarded as excellent, and he won Reading's player of the year award in both of his full seasons there, as well as being the leading goal scorer. However, his habit of unsettling opponents through physical intimidation contributed to a heavily tarnished disciplinary record. Friday was also known off the field for his heavy smoking, drinking, womanising and drug-taking. Following a number of incidents - including kicking Mark Lawrenson in the face (and, let's face it, we've all wanted to do that) - Friday retired from football in December 1977. He served a prison sentence during the 1980s for impersonating a police officer and confiscating people's drugs. He died at the age of just thirty eight in 1990 after years of drug and alcohol abuse. Cardiff-based band Super Furry Animals dedicated their 1996 single 'The Man Don't Give A Fuck' to his memory.
Jessica Raine and Clarke Peters have signed on to star in ITV series Jericho. The eight-part drama, also featuring Hans Matheson, comes from Sherlock and Doctor Who writer Steve Thompson. Set in the Yorkshire Dales in the 1870s, Jericho follows a community of pioneers, settlers and outcasts, many of whom have secrets to hide. Jessica - a particular favourite of all of us here at From The North for her work in Call The Midwife, Wolf Hall and, especially, An Adventure In Space & Time - plays Annie Quaintain, a woman who is 'left shattered and penniless' by her husband's death. Turfed out of her home and shunned by her former friends, she leaves for Jericho with her two teenage children in a bid to rebuild their lives. Peters is starring as railway agent Ralph Coates, who has 'a past that keeps him looking over his shoulder.' Ralph offers Annie a helping hand, leading Annie to open a boarding house for the navvy labourers in Jericho. Mark Addy, Lorraine Ashbourne and Amy James-Kelly will also appear in the programme, which will go into production later this month in North Yorkshire.
The global version of the BBC iPlayer is to close next month. The service, which allows viewers outside the UK to watch BBC programmes, including Doctor Who, for a subscription fee, will cease on 26 June. The service was available in Western Europe, Australia and Canada, although it never launched in the United States due to conflicts with some Pay TV channels which carry BBC America. Some of the BBC's best known programmes, including Top Gear and Sherlock were available along with archive shows such as Gavin & Stacey, Fawlty Towers, Planet Earth and classic episodes of Doctor Who. The closure was expected after BBC Worldwide announced in 2013 it intended to pull support for the Global iPlayer, saying it would instead focus on making material available via the BBC.com website. Users have been notified of the switch-off and auto-renewing subscriptions are being cancelled.

Sir Roger Moore has accepted undisclosed - although presumably, massive - libel damages over claims that he groped a woman while shooting For Your Eyes Only. The eighty seven-year-old also received a grovelling apology and his legal costs over a story which appeared, of course, in the Daily Scum Mail and on the Scum Mail Online in October 2014. Good gracious. The Daily Scum Mail saying something that isn't true? Wow, that's a first. The article reported baseless claims from an Australian magazine that the actor had groped a twenty one-year-old woman. Associated Newspapers' solicitor said that it 'acknowledged' the claims were untrue. 'The defendant apologises for any distress and embarrassment caused to Sir Roger and his family,' weaselled Martin Wood. Sir Roger was not at London's High Court on Wednesday for the settlement of his libel action. The actor's solicitor, Amy Bradbury, said that Sir Roger had been accused of groping Debbie Newsome while filming in Italy in 1981, as well as making 'a number of inappropriate physical and other advances. It was also wrongly claimed he had given Ms Newsome a gold bracelet covered in diamonds together with a bottle of expensive champagne and an inappropriate note during a party at which his then-wife was present.' The Scum Mail Online published a snivelling apology to both Sir Roger and Ms Newsome in March and has removed the offending article from its website. A former model and game show hostess, Debbie Newsome now performs in her native Australia in a Janis Joplin tribute act. In a recent TV interview, she described Sir Roger as 'adorable' and 'gorgeous' and said tht at she'd had 'the best time' shooting her small role as a woman James Bond bumps into while entering a flower shop in Cortina.

And, the Daily Scum Mail has also failed in a legal challenge to prevent JK Rowling from reading a unilateral statement in open court as part of a libel settlement against it. The Scum Mail paid 'substantial' damages and grovellingly apologised to the author last year over an article about her time as a single mother. But, the odious right-wing scum paper objected to some parts of the statement which she planned to make. However, the Court of Appeal has now dismissed the paper's crass whinging about a High Court ruling that she should be allowed to read the statement. Whether the Court of Appeal told the Scum Mail to grow the fek up and take their licking like a man is, as yet, unknown. No date has yet been set for the statement to be delivered though, given all this malarkey, it's probably going to be worth listening to. A spokesperson for Rowling said that the author was 'pleased' at the judgment. Which, one imagines, if you look up 'understatements of the year on Goggle, that one will be pretty close to the top. The dispute follows a 2013 article that suggested Rowling had told a 'false sob story' about being stigmatised by churchgoers in Edinburgh during the 1990s, before she found success with the Harry Potter novels. The writer said the newspaper's story was 'premised on a false picture' of an article she had written ten days earlier for single parents' charity Gingerbread. Rowling said that the Daily Scum Mail had been 'misleading' and 'unfair' - again, how very unusual - and had 'injured' her reputation and caused her 'great distress and embarrassment.' The Daily Scum Mail accepted that the author had not made any false claims, apologised and paid 'substantial damages.'

Will Daniel Craig be playing a stormtrooper in the forthcoming Star Wars film, or is Simon Pegg just pulling our leg? The Sun claims that Simon 'confirmed' Craig's role at the Man Up première in London on Wednesday. So, of course, if it's in the Sun it must be true. 'I wasn't a Stormtrooper. Daniel Craig, he was a Stormtrooper,' Simon is reported as 'letting slip' while fending off questions about his own apparent cameo role in Episode VII: The Force Awakens. 'I shouldn't have said that,' he added. Craig is rumoured to have an uncredited role in the film.
Kate Beckinsale has signed up to star in the fifth instalment of vampire action moviesaga Underworld. The franchise once again gets a new director, making it a different director for each film. Anna Foerster will be behind the camera the latest film, having previously worked as a cinematographer on The Day After Tomorrow, Aeon Flux and Alien: Resurrection.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self made one of his occasional appearance on BBC Newcastle's Alfie & Charlie At Breakfast on Tuesday, being interviewed - by Alfie and Charlie their very selves, obviously - on the subject of his health (or, you know, lack of it), swimming, and all that sort of whoo-har. It was to tie-in with a report on the increase in strokes amongst the populous, or something. If you want to check it out - and, Christ only knows why you should want to - it can be listened to on Listen Againhere, about two hours, twenty six minutes into the show. The programme will be available for, approximately, the next three weeks.
Wednesday was yer actual Keith Telly Topping's first trip to the pool this week; twenty seventh lengths were done. And, in answer to yer actual Alfie Joey The Housewives Choice's question on the radio the day before, the first twenty six were, by far, the hardest. On Thursday, it was twenty eight lengths. That's TWENTY EIGHT LENGTHS. Seven hundred metres of freestyle faffing about. About half-a-mile of pro-celebrity drowning. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping must say, in his own bigging up, that it's not often he gets too carried away with his watery exploits; much of this boasting on Facebook and this blog is, clearly, couched in some considerable self-deprecation. Nevertheless, on Thursday morning, he did, for once, feel like A BIG FUNKY SEX MACHINE when he got out the pool, had a few minutes in the steam room and then went and had a shower. Not only that, dear blog reader, but he almost bellowed I AM A GOLDEN GOD! as he limped down Shields Road to Morrisons to buy some meat for us dinner. Almost. But, not quite. Twenty six lengths were undertaken on Friday. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping went a bit faster than usual at the start and, hence, by the end of that particular session Keith Telly Topping his very self was feeling - to quote Daddy Telly Topping when he'd just got home from a hard shift at the furnace - 'well jiggered'. Meanwhile, Keith Telly Topping's current flirtation with the Cap'n Boyd's Eye look continues unchecked by any consideration of how, frankly, daft it makes him look.
Boo and Pistol are, reportedly, leaving Australia. Johnny Depp's dogs, currently the world's most famous Yorkshire terriers, were preparing to take flight on board the actor's private jet on Friday. The pair were under threat of being, you know, killed after Australia's agriculture minister, Barnaby Joyce, accused Depp - who is currently filming the latest Pirates Of The Caribbean movie - of 'sneaking' them into the country illegally last month. Joyce told the BBC that he believed the dogs were leaving by private jet on Friday, which he said was 'the wisest move.' Certainly preferable to being, you know, killed.

Broadway hit Motown The Musical has found a home in London's West End, opening at the Shaftesbury Theatre in February 2016. Ooo, yer actual Keith Telly Topping might have to get the old Flying Scotsman down to The smoke to catch a performance of that. The show will chart the rise of the Motown organisation and its founder Berry Gordy, and will feature some of the biggest hits from the label (and, you know, Tamla, Grody, Soul, VIP et cetera), including 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough', 'My Girl' and 'I Heard It Through The Grapevine'. Gordy, who has written the show, said: 'I am thrilled to be bringing Motown back to the UK, fifty years after our first visit back in 1965, when Diana Ross & The Supremes, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson & The Miracles, Martha Reeves & The Vandellas and I came to London for our very first UK tour. Half a century later we are delighted to be returning.'
Mister The Edge out of The U2 Group has gone, quite literally, over the edge. The guitarist fell off the stage on the opening night of The U2 Group's world tour in Vancouver. The U2 Group were performing their encore - 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for' - at the Rogers Arena when the fifty three-year-old Mister The Edge out of The U2 Group took a tumble. Which was, to be fair, really funny. What he was looking for, clearly, has his footing, and he didn't find it.
The Goddamn King of the Blues, guitarist and singer BB King, has died aged eighty nine. King, known for his hits 'My Lucille', 'Sweet Little Angel', 'The Thrill Is Gone' and 'Rock Me Baby', reportedly died in his sleep in Las Vegas. Born Riley Ben King in Mississippi in September 1925, BB began performing in the 1940s, going on to influence a generation of musicians and work with the likes of The Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton and The U2 Group. Once ranked as the third greatest guitarist of all time, he had been suffering ill-health in recent months. He was recently taken to hospital with a diabetes-related illness. Clapton posted a video tribute on Facebook to express his sadness at the death of his 'dear friend' and mentor. 'I want to thank him for all the inspiration and encouragement he gave me as a player over the years, and for the friendship that we enjoyed,' Eric said. 'There's not a lot left to say because this music is almost a thing of the past now, and there are not many left who play it in the pure way that BB did. He was a beacon for all of us who love this kind of music.' A former farmhand, BB was awarded his fifteenth Grammy award in 2009 for his CD One Kind Favor [sic]. He was also inducted into both the Blues Foundation Hall of Fame and the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. Rolling Stone magazine placed him behind only Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman in its list of the one hundred greatest guitarists of all time. Until recently, King performed in at least one hundred concerts a year. He fused together both jazz and blues on his beloved guitar, a Gibson ES-355 he lovingly dubbed Lucille. In the early part of his career, he played to exclusively black audiences, but his heartfelt vocals and undeniable talent saw him embraced by a much broader fanbase as time went on - touring Europe extensively in the 1960s to enthusiastic, mostly white, audiences. Younger musicians such as Clapton and Steve Miller, who greatly admired his work, introduced him to a new generation of fans. While a child, he sang in the gospel choir at Elkhorn Baptist Church in Kilmichael. At the age of twelve he purchased his first guitar for fifteen dollars although another source indicates he was given his first guitar by the great Bukka White, his mother's cousin. In 1943, King left Kilmichael to work as a tractor driver and play guitar with the Famous St John's Quartet of Inverness, Mississippi, performing at area churches and on local radio. He performed on Sonny Boy Williamson's radio program on KWEM in Memphis, where he began to develop an audience. King's appearances led to steady engagements at the Sixteenth Avenue Grill in West Memphis and later to a ten-minute spot on the Memphis radio station WDIA. Initially he worked as a singer and disc jockey, gaining the nickname Beale Street Blues Boy. It was there that he first met T-Bone Walker. King said, 'Once I'd heard him for the first time, I knew I'd have to have [an electric guitar] myself. Had to have one, short of stealing!' In 1949, King began recording songs under contract with Los Angeles-based RPM Records. Many of King's early recordings were produced by Sam Phillips, who later founded Sun Records. Before his RPM contract, King had débuted on Bullet Records by issuing the single 'Miss Martha King' (1949). 'My very first recordings were for a company out of Nashville,' he recalled. 'I had horns that very first session. I had Phineas Newborn on piano; his father played drums, and his brother, Calvin, played guitar with me. I had Tuff Green on bass, Ben Branch on tenor sax, his brother, Thomas Branch, on trumpet, and a lady trombone player. The Newborn family were the house band at the famous Plantation Inn in West Memphis.' King assembled his own band; The BB King Review, under the leadership of Millard Lee. The recording contract was followed by tours across the United States, with performances in major theatres as well as numerous gigs in small clubs and juke-joints of the South. During one show in Twist, Arkansas, a brawl broke out between two men and caused a fire. BB was evacuated along with the rest of the crowd but went back to retrieve his beloved guitar. He said he later found out that the two men, who both died in the blaze, were fighting over a woman named Lucille. Hence, he named the guitar Lucille as a reminder not to fight over women or,indeed, to run into any more burning buildings. Following his first Billboard Rhythm and Blues charts number one, 'Three O'Clock Blues' in February 1952, BB became one of the most important names in R&B music in the 1950s, amassing an impressive list of hits including 'You Know I Love You', 'Woke Up This Morning', 'Please Love Me', 'When My Heart Beats Like A Hammer', 'Whole Lotta Love', 'You Upset Me Baby', 'Every Day I Have The Blues', 'Sneakin' Around', 'Ten Long Years', 'Bad Luck', 'Sweet Little Angel', 'On My Word Of Honor' and 'Please Accept My Love'. Always with a keen work ethic, 1956 became a record-breaking year, with an alleged three hundred and forty two concerts booked and three recording sessions across the year. That same year he founded his own record label, Blues Boys Kingdom, with headquarters at Beale Street in Memphis. There, among other projects, he produced artists such as Millard Lee and Levi Seabury. In 1962, King signed to ABC-Paramount Records. In November 1964, King recorded the acclaimed Live At The Regal LP in Chicgo. King gained further visibility among rock audiences as an opening act on The Rolling Stones' 1969 American Tour. He won a 1970 Grammy Award for the song 'The Thrill Is Gone', his version of the Broadway standard became a hit on both the pop and R&B charts. LPs such as Live At County Cook Jail and BB King In London followed in the 1970s. The latter included an all-star backing band of many of his British fans including Peter Green, Ringo Starr, Stevie Winwood and Steve Marriott. In 1974, he was one of a number of musicians who accompanied Muhammed Ali and George Foreman to Zaire to play a concert before The Rumble In The Jungle. BB's career was reignited in the late 1980s when he duetted with Mister Bonio out of The U2 Group on 'When Love Comes To Town'. At the turn of the millennium, aged seventy five, he once again achieved major commercial success with the Eric Clapton collaboration Riding With the King. In 2011, BB played at the Glastonbury Music Festival and the Royal Albert Hall in London, where he recorded a concert video. Early the following year King was among the performers of In Performance at the White House: Red, White & Blues. On 3 October 2014, King had to stop his live performance at The House Of Blues in Chicago. A doctor diagnosed dehydration and exhaustion, and the eight remaining shows of his ongoing tour had to be cancelled. 'King's is now the name most synonymous with the blues, much as Louis Armstrong's once was with jazz,' critic Francis Davis wrote in his 1995 book The History Of The Blues. 'You don't have to be a blues fan to have heard of King.' An FAA certificated private pilot, BB learned to fly in 1963 at what was then Chicago Hammond Airport. He frequently flew to gigs but, under the advice of his insurance company and manager in 1995, was asked to fly only with another certified pilot. King's favourite singer was Frank Sinatra. In his autobiography he spoke about how he was a Sinatra nut and how he went to bed every night listening to Sinatra's classic In The Wee Small Hours. Sinatra had gotten King into the main clubs in Las Vegas during the 1960s, He credited Sinatra for opening doors to black entertainers who were not given the chance to play in 'white-dominated' venues. King was married twice, to Martha Lee Denton from 1946 to 1952, and to Sue Carol Hall from 1958 to 1966. The failure of both marriages has been attributed to the heavy demands made on the marriage by his working schedule. It is reported that he fathered up to fifteen children and, as of 2004, had fifty grandchildren. He lived with Type II diabetes for over twenty years and was a high-profile spokesperson in the fight against the disease, appearing in advertisements for diabetes-management products.

Thus, reasonably obviously,for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's the Goddamn King Of The Blues his very self at his peak.

Yer actual Peter Capaldi has, according to the Daily Scum Mail, 'turned daredevil' when filming a parachuting scenes on Barry Island beach for the new series of Doctor Who. Blimey, that's taking the Pertwee-obsession a bit too far, Pete,mate.
Who was Missy? That was the question Doctor Who fans were asking throughout series eight, before the sensational reveal that the character, played brilliantly by yer actual Michelle Gomez, was The Doctor's old nemesissy, The Master, now having undergone a sex-change regeneration. But, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat wanted to have a little fun with the fans before then. The showrunner has admitted that he tried to plant a red herring during the filming of penultimate episode Dark Water. In the actual broadcast, Missy originally passes herself off as a cyborg, claiming that her name is an acronym for 'Mobile Intelligence Systems Interface.'However, when Michelle Gomez initially recorded the line, she said something quite different. 'I actually had her say she was a "Random Access Neural Interface,"' The Moffinator told the audience at a Royal Television Society event, this week. The Rani, of course, was a character played by the late Kate O’Mara. The Rani, a nefarious Time Lady, clashed with Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoys' Doctors in two stories during the 1980s - both of which were, to be honest, a bit rubbish. 'Many fans', allegedly, speculated that Missy would turn out to be a new regeneration of the villain. Many others, didn't. The Moffat, he claims, believed that 'leaks were inevitable' but, in this particular case, no-one took the bait. 'Whenever I arrange skullduggery, no-one ever buggering notices,' he said, seemingly, properly disappointed by this turn of events. 'We thought "everyone's bound to overhear that. Deaf bunch of bastards!' This is not the first time that Steven has tried to prank the audience with an old villain. 'When e did The Day Of The Doctor, we went to the trouble of having John Hurt's character referred to as Omega throughout,' he said. 'Is nobody stealing scripts these days? What's the matter with people?' Sarky bleeder.
Speaking of yer man The Moffat, Steven noted this week that it was exactly ten years since his first episode for the popular long-running family SF drama - The Empty Child - was broadcast. 'If it means anything, I've enjoyed the decade that followed,' this blogger told him. And, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has.
Doctor Who fans could see a return of the character of River Song. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat said that he hasn't ruled out the possibility of bringing Alex Kingston's character back at some point in the future. He told Radio Times: 'It entirely depends on whether we've got a good story. It's certainly not ruled out. I have a sort of worry about keeping anybody around in The Doctor's life for too long. Because he's The Man Who Leaves.' The Moffat's predecessor, yer actual Russell Davies, is also championing the character's return to the show. 'I mentioned in passing to Russell that we were probably done with River,' Moffat added. 'He said, "You can't be done with River! No, no, no. Capaldi and Kingston, it's a sex storm!'
Now, dear blog reader, to a sadly far more depressing aspect of the Doctor Who world. Just when you think you've seen an example of the very worst that the more mental corners of fandom can throw up, along comes an Internet piece like this to prove you wholly incorrect. To sum up then, one Cindy Davis - who, according to her Twitter account is a grown woman and not a six year old - thinks that a man deserves to have physical violence inflicted upon him for the perfectly dreadful crime of 'producing a TV show in a way I don't like.' Good on ya, Cindy, you're a total credit to humanity. This blogger is all for freedom of speech within the boundaries of the law as it currently stands - hence this very blog. But, that suggestion, actually, isn't. Do you ever get the feeling, dear blog reader, that when this blogger - and others - have spent years trying to convince anyone that would listen that Doctor Whoisn't a programme for children, he might, just, have been wrong.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is pure dead grateful to his good friend Kathy Sullivan for alerting him to the following: 'The International Association of Media Tie-In Writers is to present the 2015 Faust Award to Terrance Dicks. The award honoring [sic] a grandmaster in the field goes to Terrence for the extensive contributions he has made during his long career.' The award will be presented at a ceremony in July at Comic-Con in San Diego, where the IAMTW will also be presenting the Scribe Awards, honouring the best media tie-ins of the year. IAMTW is a professional organisation for authors of books based on TV shows, movies and games. The organisation is dedicated educating the public about this field, enhancing the professional status of its members and to providing a forum for tie-in writers to share information, support one another, and discuss issues relating to our industry. And, of course, this excellent news, gives yer actual Keith Telly Topping yet another excuse to use that photo of Keith Telly Topping and Terrance enjoying a very nice Thai meal in Los Angeles with friends a couple of years ago. You knew that was going to happen, right?
'For years Star Trek fans have been the butt of jokes about their penchant for wearing pointy ears and attending science fiction conventions. But the police feared British fans of the cult American show might boldly go a little too far one day' according to claims made in a particularly sneering and badly written piece in the Torygraph. The article, by one Elizabeth Roberts, alleges that Scotland Yard kept a 'secret dossier' on Star Trek, The X-Files and other US SF shows 'amid fears' that British fans would 'go mad and kill themselves', 'turn against society' or 'start a weird cult.'As this blogger's old mate Danny Blythe wisely pointed out, 'apart from killing ourselves, haven't we mostly done all of that anyway?' Other American TV shows Roswell and Dark Skies and the film The Lawnmower Man were also, allegedly, 'monitored' to 'protect the country from rioting and cyber attacks', the Toygraph claims. Presumably, yer actual Keith Telly Topping - as the (co)author of books on three of those subjects - was also under heavy surveillance by The Law during the Millennium period. Which is rather cool, actually. Although, it does explain one or two things ... The sudden non-delivery of a bunch of issues of Spank Monthly to Stately Telly Topping Manor in late 1999, for one. Special Branch was, the Torygraph claims, 'concerned' that people 'hooked' on such material 'could go into a frenzy' triggered by the Millennium 'leading to anarchy' in the streets and loads of manic ultraviolence with kids getting' sparked and aal sorts. Yeah, that certainly sounds like one or two SF conventions this blogger has been to. This undated 'confidential' report to the Metropolitan Police, 'thought to have been filed around 1998-99' according to the Torygraph, listed 'concerns' about conspiracy theorists who believed the end of the world was nigh. Albeit, the fact that one of the series specifically mentioned in this alleged report - Roswell - didn't even begin transmission in the US until October 1999 and wasn't shown in Britain until the first week of the new Millennium (on Sky), means this blogger smells the pungent whiff of made-up bullshit hereabouts. 'Fuel is added to the fire by television dramas and feature films mostly produced in America,' the report is alleged to have said. 'These draw together the various strands of religion, UFOs, conspiracies, and mystic events and put them in an entertaining storyline.' Well, sometimes. It added: 'Obviously this is not sinister in itself. What is of concern is the devotion certain groups and individuals ascribe to the contents of these programmes.' Which, again, to be fair is a pretty good summation of most fandoms and Doctor Who's in particular. See above and the lass who wants to punch Steven Moffat simply because produces the show in a way she doesn't like. The alleged dossier – called UFO New Religious Movements & The Millennium– was, allegedly, 'drawn up in response to the 1997 mass suicide by thirty nine cultists in San Diego known as Heaven's Gate.' The group members were 'ardent followers of The X-Files and Star Trek' according to Special Branch. Though, as another of this blogger's friends, Christopher Heer notes, 'the idea of Trek fans organising a rebellion is hilarious. Three weeks in we'd still be arguing about uniforms!' The 'secret' briefing note was obtained from the Met under the Freedom of Information Act by Sheffield-based 'British X-Files expert' Doctor Dave Clarke while researching a new book, How UFOs Conquered The World. So, it's obviously not that secret then is Dave managed to get a copy. Clarke, who teaches investigative journalism at Sheffield Hallam University, said: 'The documents show the police and security services were concerned about the export of some new religious movements concerning UFOs and aliens from the USA in the aftermath of the mass suicide by followers of the Heaven's Gate. It's no coincidence this occurred around 1997 – which was the fiftieth anniversary of the birth of UFOs and the Roswell incident – at a time when the net was buzzing with rumours about aliens and cover-ups.' A - one supposes, rather surprised - Met spokesman said: 'We have no knowledge of this.' No shit?
Game Of Thrones had a small ratings boost on Sky Atlantic on Monday according to overnight figures. The fantasy drama continued with 1.16m for a controversial episode at 9pm - up slightly on the previous week's overnight audience of 1.05m. The RHS Chelsea Flower Show proved to be a ratings hit for BBC2, with three million punters at 8pm. The Detectives followed with 1.77m at 9pm, while Episodes was watched by nine hundred and ten thousand at 10pm. On BBC1, Antibiotic Apocalypse interested 2.04m at 8.30pm, whilst the New Tricks repeat run continued with 2.62m at 9pm. ITV's Wild Ireland brought in 2.37m at 8pm, before Scammers was seen by 2.60m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Damned Designs appealed to 1.06m at 8pm and Benefits Street lost around half-a-million overnight viewers for its second episode, with 1.99m at 9pm. Channel Five's Gotham had an audience of seven hundred and fifty nine thousand at 9pm, while Big Brother continued with 1.09m at 10pm.

The first semi-final of the 2015 Eurovision Song Contest topped the multichannel overnight ratings on Tuesday. Live coverage from Vienna brought in seven hundred and ninety thousand viewers and a four per cent share of the available audience for BBC3 from 8pm. BBC1's Twenty Four Hours In The Past was the night's most watched programme outside of the soaps with 3.17m at 9pm. Which, in and of itself is a quite shocking indictment of ... something. Don't come to this blogger looking for a quick answer on that score. The Dog Factory followed with 1.28m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip interested 1.37m at 7pm, before The RHS Chelsea Flower Show was seen by 3.03m at 8pm, and The Detectives was watched by 1.81m at 9pm. Midsomer Murders averaged 1.94m for ITV between 8pm and 10pm. On Channel Four, Kirsty & Phil's Love It Or List It gathered 1.50m at 8pm, while No Offence continued with 1.45m at 9pm. Channel Five's The Dog Rescuers appealed to eight hundred and eighty eight thousand viewers at 8pm and Blinging Up Baby: You Won't Believe It! brought in nine hundred and ninety two thousand viewers at 9pm. Big Brother continued with 1.01m at 10pm.

Inspector George Gently topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Wednesday evening. The drama continued on BBC1 with 5.32m between 8pm and 9.30pm, while Peter Kay's Car Share immediately followed with 4.87m. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip interested 1.01m, before coverage of The RHS Chelsea Flower Show appealed to 2.16m at 8pm, and the latest Horizon documentary was watched by 1.65m at 9pm. A Qi repeat followed with 1.10m at 10pm. ITV's wretched, mawkish, trite Give A Pet A Home wrapped up its toxic and nauseous six-episode run with two million overnight punters at 8pm, down half-a-million viewers from its opening episode in April. Meanwhile, Newzoids concluded its first - and probably only - series with 1.47m at 9pm having lost approximately two-thirds of its initial viewers after kicking-off with 3.34m for its first episode in April. Laughless alleged 'comedy', The Delivery Man, which debuted to 2.45m last month, brought in a risible nine hundred and five thousand overnight viewers for its final episode at 9.30pm. And, thus ended ITV's much-trailed Wednesday night line-up for the last couple of months. One trusts there would have been a few people clearing out their desks at ITV Towers on Thursday morning having commissioned and made those three fiascos. The World's Most Expensive Food had an audience of 1.37m on Channel Four at 8pm, while The Island With Bear Grylls wrapped up its series with 1.95m at 9pm. Channel Five's hideously sneering Benefits Britain: Big Families Special appealed to 1.47m at 9pm, while Big Brother continued with 1.03m gawping waste-of-space lovers of Victorian freak shows at 10pm. On E4, Jane The Virgin was watched by one hundred and fifty five thousand at 9pm, while Nashville was seen by one hundred and sixty thousand at 10pm. Sky Atlantic's The Affair pulled in one hundred and thirty three thousand for its third episode at 9pm.
The British Soap Awards somewhat underperformed in the overnight ratings on Thursday evening. The two-hour ceremony, which saw EastEnders take home most of the prizes, pulled in 3.92m at 8pm on ITV. Figures were down 1.2m overnight viewers on last year's event, which had was broadcast on a Sunday evening just one day after the live ceremony. Emmerdale was the most-watched programme of the day, attracting 4.96m at 7pm on ITV. Channel Four's High Class Call Girls documentary excited an average overnight audience of 1.19 million viewers. Earlier, Born Naughty? as watched by 1.35m at 8pm, followed by Bear Grylls's Born Survivor with 1.33m at 9pm. On BBC1, Watchdog brought in 3.20m at 8pm, followed by the last Shark episode with 2.59m at 9pm and Question Time with 2.50m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Chelsea Flower Show coverage continued with 2.42m at 8pm, while The Game attracted 1.17m at 9pm. The Clare Balding Show was watched by five hundred and twenty thousand viewers at 10pm. On Channel Five, The Hotel Inspector interested 1.07m at 9pm, while Big Brother's latest episode was seen by nine hundred and sixty one thousand at 10pm. BBC3's coverage of the second Eurovision Song Contest semi-final was watched by six hundred and nineteen thousand at 8pm, slightly ahead of Britain's Deadliest Rail Disaster on BBC4 with six hundred and sixteen thousand at 9pm. On E4, The Big Bang Theory had an audience of eight hundred and sixty nine thousand at 8.30pm. On Sky Atlantic, the series finale of Mad Men brought in eighty three thousand at 10pm.
Big Brother's latest eviction episode was seen by an average audience of 1.06 million overnight punters. The live episode, which ran from 9 until 10.30pm on Channel Five, peaked with 1.17 million viewers at 10pm. The final episode of Peter Kay's Car Share closed with an evening high of 4.52 million at 9.30pm on BBC1, while The Graham Norton Show was seen by 3.26 million at 10.35pm. BBC1's evening started with 3.07 million for The ONE Show, followed by 2.67 million for The RHS Chelsea Flower Show and 2.22 million (11.2%) for a repeat of The Vicar Of Dibley at 8.30pm. Have I Got News For You had an overnight audience of 4.21 million viewers at 8.30pm. A second episode of The Chelsea Flower Show was watched by 2.09 million on BBC2 at 8.30pm. It was preceded by 1.07 million for Antiques Road Trip at 7pm, while Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites continued with 2.23 million at 8pm. On ITV, Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis and Man & Beast With Martin Clunes continued with respective audiences of 2.35 million and 2.30 million. Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was Channel Four's highest-rated show of the night with 1.14 million at 9pm. It was sandwiched between Marvel's Agents of SHIELD with six hundred and sixty thousand and Alan Carr: Chatty Man with nine hundred and ninety thousand.

The Eurovision Song Contest averaged more than 6.6 million overnight viewers on Saturday. The music event, which saw Sweden's Måns Zelmerlöw win the big prize, was watched by an average overnight audience of 6.64m from 8pm on BBC1. The Eurovision coverage helped BBC1 to win primetime overall on the night, with a twenty nine per cent share of the available audience compared to ITV's twenty per cent. Despite suffering a large drop week-on- week, Britain's Got Toilets still drew 7.41m on ITV, the highest audience of the evening. Elsewhere on ITV, Ninja Warrior continued with 3.9m and risbble, waste-of-space rubbish Play To The Whistle saw its udience drop to a lughably poor 1.83m. BBC2's coverage of The RHS Chelsea Flower Show managed 1.15m punters. A repeat of the 2012 adaptation of Great Expectations followed with seven hundred and sixty four thousand viewers from 9pm. On Channel Four, The World's Most Extreme... was watched by five hundred and seventy nine thousand during the 8pm hour whilst Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes took seven hundred and forty two thousand afterwards. The latest Big Brother'highlights' - and, I use that word quite wrongly - attracted five hundred and ninety four thousand from 9.20pm. CSI was watched by five hundred and ninety eight thousand viewers. On multichannels, Foyle's War averaged seven hundred and ninety eight thousand on ITV3.

And, it's worth noting that at least one lady viewers - who has her knockers - only went and guessed the outcome of Eurovision. And, wanted to share information this with the world.
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell showed a sharp - and, very disappointing - week-on-week overnight ratings drop on Sunday. Episode two of the supernatural drama, based on Susanna Clarke's acclaimed best-seller, had an overnight audience of but 2.57m at 9pm on BBC1 - down considerably on last week's corresponding overnight audience of 4.53m. What a shame as it was a really good episode, as well. That aside, it was a pretty good evening for BBC1, with Countryfile leading the night with an audience of 5.77m at 7pm, followed by 5.35m for the Antiques Roadshow at 8pm. The final day of the Premier League season saw Match Of The Day's highlights attracting 3.09m punters at 10.30pm. And, to the relief of millions, yer actual Keith telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies managed to shake off their cowardly, slovenly lethargy of the previous four months to record their first victory in twelve games against a West Ham United team which already seemed to be on the beach and, thus, condemn yer actual Hull City to relegation and a season in the Championship. On ITV, episode four of World War II-era drama Home Fires led the night for the channel, with a respectable 4.47m tuning-in at 9pm. Earlier in the night, Warwick Davis's wretched, worthless Z-List Celebrity Squares was watched by a hilariously awful 1.57m at 7.15pm, followed by an overnight audience of 3.08m for Sunday Night At The London Palladium at 8pm. BBC2 opened primetime with seven hundred and sixteen thousand for A Very British Airline at 7pm. Demolition was down slightly on the previous week's overnight with 1.44m at 8pm, while Armada: Twelve Days To Save England was watched by 1.8m at 9pm. Channel Four's highest-rated programme in primetime was a screening of the Danny Boyle thriller Trance, which attracted nine hundred and ninety two thousand punters from 9pm. On Channel Five, the latest episode of Big Brother drew an audience of but eight hundred and forty nine thousand, while Stevie Wonder: An All-Star Grammy Salute had six hundred and twenty five thousand at 10pm. BBC3's coverage of Radio 1's Big Weekend From Norwich peaked with four hundred and sixty six thousand at 9pm, with performances from Taylor Swift and George Ezra.


The BBC's global audience has passed three hundred million, with television overtaking radio as the most popular platform for international news for the first time in the corporation's history. The number of people tuning in to services such BBC Global News and the BBC World Service hit three hundred and eight million a week in the year to the end of March. Tony Hall, the BBC Director General, has set a target global reach for BBC news and entertainment content of five hundred million punters by 2022, meaning the corporation needs to add about thirty million per year. The figures, which includes people looking at news content on the BBC's Facebook page and on YouTube, shows that television has overtaken radio as the most popular platform for BBC international news for the first time. The BBC's overall weekly global news audience hit two hundred and eighty three million in the year to the end of March, up seven per cent or eighteen million people year-on-year. The figures show that one hundred and forty eight million people per week tuned in to BBC international news content on television while radio services managed one hundred and thirty three million. There were fifty five million who sourced BBC news online. 'In times of crisis and in countries lacking media freedom, people around the world turn to the BBC for trusted and accurate information,' said Fran Unsworth, director of the BBC World Service group. 'Thanks to our digital innovation we now have more ways than ever before of reaching our audience – from the WhatsApp service we set up during the West Africa Ebola outbreak, to our pop-up Thai news stream on Facebook following the military coup.' The figures show that the BBC World Service, of which the corporation took over full funding last year, increased its audience by ten per cent to two hundred and ten million. The largest proportion of the rise came from new World Service TV news bulletins being provided in non-English languages. BBC World Service English showed the largest growth of a single service, rising twenty five per cent to fifty two million consumers per week, fuelled by listeners in Nigeria, America, Pakistan and Tanzania. The BBC World Service has shut fifteen language services since 2006, although it did launch a Facebook news service for Thailand in 2014. The reach of BBC Global News hit one hundred and five million, with World News TV viewing rising twelve per cent and those turning to BBC.com for news rising sixteen per cent. 'The consumption of branded BBC services across TV, radio and digital platforms speaks to the international appetite for premium content across all the genres for which we are best known – primarily news, but increasingly for drama, factual and entertainment,' said Tim Davie, the chief executive of BBC Worldwide.

Dakota Blue Richards has joined the cast of ITV's Endeavour as a regular character. The former Skins and Golden Compass actress will play WPC Shirley Trewlove in the Inspector Morse prequel series opposite Shaun Evans as the title character. Trewlove is described as 'a thorough, determined and forthright officer', who becomes a valuable member of the force and attracts the admiration of Endeavour. Creator Russell Lewis said of the character: 'Bright, capable and brave, Shirley Trewlove is a very welcome addition to the ranks of Oxford's Finest. While very much a young woman of the 1960s, Trewlove also evokes a very particular kind of timeless British heroine. The sort of clear-eyed, resourceful young woman one wouldn't be surprised to find behind the wheel of the ambulance in Ice Cold In Alex or keeping Robert Donat company across the moors in The Thirty Nine Steps. In Dakota we have found our perfect Trewlove.' Richards said: 'It's very exciting to be joining the talented cast of Endeavour. WPC Trewlove is incredibly astute and enthusiastic and I can't wait to see how her story unfolds.'Endeavour's third series picks up from 2014's previous run, which saw Endeavour Morse framed for the murder of the corrupt Chief Constable Rupert Standish, while the life of Fred Thursday (the always excellent Roger Allam) hung in the balance after being shot in the chest. Series three will have four two-hour episodes, which are once again written by Russell Lewis. Inspector Morse author Colin Dexter also returns as a consultant for the series.

Amanda Holden has denied that Britain's Got Toilets is fixed. One or two people even believed her.
Yer actual Jezza Clarkson has said that being dropped from Top Gear'was my own silly fault.' Well, yeah. Punching a producer geet hard in the mush certainly wasn't anybody else's fault, mate. The broadcaster was speaking to his old chum, BBC Radio 2's Chris Evans, in his first interview since not having his BBC contract renewed. He said that leaving the show had 'left a huge hole' in his life - and, in the BBC's finances - 'that needs to be filled.'Jezza admitted that he had 'taken phone calls' from other broadcasters who wanted to poach the Top Gear team - and their massive international fanbase - but said: 'I'd be a fool to jump into something. I have been at the BBC for twenty seven years. When you emerge after twenty seven years, you find the world is changed. When you learn how the world works, you can start to work out what to do,' he continued. 'In the meantime I'm getting really good at tennis. My forehand has improved immeasurably.' On Thursday, Clarkson launched what he called a 'badly organised world tour' with his former co-hosts Richard Hammond and James May in Belfast. He said that the production was 'Top Gear in all but name' - but the team were now 'able to make their own films' for the big screens 'without any meddling' from the BBC. 'It's broadly the same thing it's been for the last ten years,' he added. Speaking to Evans, Clarkson said that the show was 'very much my baby, I absolutely adored it. I worked all through the night and paid attention to every tiny bit. And then, suddenly you are not asked to do that any more. I was very sad.' But the presenter said that he did not harbour any resentment towards the BBC. 'There are some dreadful people in it,' he said, 'but there are also some really talented, brilliant people. I will never complain about it.'

Top Gear, of course, achieved huge success with Jezza, Richard Hammond and James May at the helm - but it almost didn't happen. The show's former executive producer, Andy Wilman, has revealed that the BBC almost got rid of Hammond after just one series in 2002 as they 'had a wobble' about his involvement. He told the latest issue of Top Gear magazine: 'For a while, for some reason I cannot fathom, the BBC management had a wobble about Richard staying and, in their usual classic HR style, said to him in December: "We may not want you back for the second series, but, anyway, have a good Christmas."' Someone - although Wilman doesn't actually name him or her - at executive level within the BBC was alleged to be 'unsure' whether to bring in two new presenters following the show's return to air in 2002, as the other original presenter Jason Dawe also left after on series 'due to things not working out.' Whatever that means. 'There was no doubt that Richard would stay,' Wilman continued. 'It was about this time we had another visit from the BBC Meddling Department, who told us that market research showed our show was attracting young, lifestyle, trendy viewers to BBC2 so, perhaps, we should think about getting a young, lifestyle, trendy presenter. Ever keen to assist, we searched high and low and eventually came up with just the man - James May!' The producer - who left shortly after Clarkson's contract at the BBC was not renewed - said that the 'meddling department' also pointed out that the show's audience was almost half female. 'Before they had a chance to follow that up with the inevitable suggestion to get a woman presenter, we shooed them out and carried on,' he said.
Good Morning Britain is reportedly being investigated by Ofcom over Nigel Farago's recent appearance. The flop ITV breakfast show is accused of breaching impartiality rules when the UKiP leader - and failed parliamentary candidate - was interviewed by Horrible Kate Garraway and Ben Shephard on 1 May. The presenters asked Farago about his chances of being elected as MP for South Thanet (which were, as it turned out, zero), but failed to reflect the position of other candidates standing in the constituency. An Ofcom spokesperson said: 'Ofcom is investigating whether the programme was duly impartial to ask Nigel Farage about his prospects of winning the Thanet South constituency without reflecting the position of other candidates.' Farago - amusingly - failed to be elected as an MP and subsequently resigned as leader of UKiP. However, he was reinstated just days later after the party rejected his decision. Last week, BBC News reporter Norman Smith accidentally used the word 'cunt' during a report on Farago and tensions within his party. Which was funny. And, quite possibly, accurate.
Meanwhile, a Channel Four docudrama which imagined a future where UKiP won the general erection - instead of, as in reality, getting just one seat - has been cleared by Ofcom. UKiP: The First One Hundred Days generated more than six thousand whinges - from glakes - following its broadcast in February and was called 'biased' by Nigel Farago. After an investigation, however, Ofcom have begged to differ, ruling that the docudrama was 'not misleading' and had been 'duly impartial'. The show, it said, had been 'clearly presented as a fictional drama. The depictions of UKiP policy were closely based on the party's recent announcements, in particular on immigration and the EU,' the media regulator went on. The programme had also included 'numerous statements, both from archive clips and from actors, who expressed support for UKiP and its policies.' The Channel Four drama mixed real news footage with fictional scenes involving a newly elected UKiP MP, played by the actress Priyanga Burford. It also depicted rioting in the wake of a hypothetical UKiP erection victory and the establishment of a new 'National Pride Day.' An Ofcom spokesman said that it had 'carefully investigated this dramatisation of what the first one hundred days under a UKiP government would be like and has found the programme did not breach the Broadcasting Code.' Whether Ofcom also told the six thousand whiners to, you know, 'grow the fuck up' and take their beating like adults is not, at this time, known. Although, it would be terrific if they did.
Ofcom is investigating The Paul O'Grady Show after the host inhaled helium live on-air. The broadcasting watchdog will determine whether it was dangerous for the presenter to inhale the gas on the pre-watershed ITV show. Helium is often inhaled as a party piece, but can prove dangerous as it cuts off oxygen to the body and can even cause gas bubbles in the blood in extreme cases. An Ofcom spokesman said: 'Ofcom has opened an investigation into whether it was harmful for the presenter to demonstrate inhaling helium gas during this live pre-watershed show.'
Yer actual Bradley Walsh has revealed why he traded ITV's Law & Order: UK for his new BBC1 series Sun Trap. Brad appears opposite Kayvan Novak in the comedy about two ex-journalists and their 'antics' in Spain. The actor and presenter told the press that it had become 'tricky'for him to fit Law & Order: UK into his increasingly busy schedule. 'You have to set aside so much time for drama,' he explained. 'Law & Order was a six-month shoot, so everything [else] has to be crammed into the rest of the year.'
Freddie Flintoff his very self will be the face of a new BBC2 series later this year. Special Forces: Ultimate Hell Week will see members of the public challenged to complete the drills, marches and interrogations the Armed Forces have to go through. Why anybody with half-a-brain in their head would wish to do such a thing, unless they're a helplessly addicted self-publicity whore is another question entirely. The six-part series will use challenges normally reserved for those who join the SAS, US Navy SEALs, Russia's Spetsnaz and the Philippines' NAVSOG. Discussing his new venture, yer man Flintoff said that it will offer a 'great insight into what our Armed Forces go through on a daily basis.' Meanwhile, BBC2 Controller Kim Shillinglaw said that the show will involve 'a lively new format highlighting some of the most extreme selection processes in the world, it will be fascinating to see what sort of person survives to the end,' she added. Sounds crap.
ITV will explore the early life of Queen Victoria in a new drama. The eight-hour series Victoria will follow Britain's longest-reigning monarch as she leaves childhood behind and ascends to the throne at the age of just eighteen.
A drama about the 'tragedy and passion' of the difficult lives of the Brontë family is to appear on BBC1, written and directed by Last Tango In Halifax author Sally Wainwright. It will explore the relationships between Charlotte, Emily and Anne and their brother Branwell, who was latterly an alcoholic and drug addict. All three sisters managed to produce great literary works - The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heightset al - before their untimely deaths at the ages of thirty eight, thirty and twenty eight respectively. Wainwright said she was 'thrilled' to be involved with the project. The BAFTA-winning writer, whose other credits include Happy Valley, described the sisters as 'fascinating, talented, ingenious Yorkshire women.'
Reece Shearsmith has been cast in BBC2's Stag. The actor and writer will be joined by Rufus Jones and Sharon Rooney for the 'dark comedy thriller.' JJ Feild, James Cosmo, Tim Key and Amit Shah have also been confirmed for the cast. The three-parter from Jim Field Smith stars Peep Show actor Jim Howick as a meek schoolteacher who struggles to survive 'the stag weekend from hell.' While on a deer-stalking expedition in the Scottish Highlands, the hunting party realises they, themselves, are the prey while sordid secrets begin to emerge. Smith said: 'I can't believe this fantastic roster of talent is joining us for seven weeks of hell in the Highlands, and can only assume they haven't read the scripts properly.' Stephen Campbell Moore, Borgen's Pilou Asbaek and Christiaan van Vuuren will also appear in Stag.

Four in ten adults say there is too much violence and swearing on British TV - though, to be fair, that means six in ten do not - while a third feel that there is too much sex on TV, according to Ofcom's latest attitudes to broadcasting survey. It found one in five adult viewers had been 'offended' by something they had watched on TV in the past year. This blogger very much included. I mean, Adrian Chiles. Say no more. Ofcom said that 'older adults' (for which read 'repressed Daily Scum Mail readers') were 'more likely' to find there was 'too much' sex, violence or bad language on TV and to whinge about it, accordingly. However 'younger adults' were more likely to feel there was an 'acceptable amount.' Or, indeed, not enough. Almost half of over-sixty fives said that sexually explicit content should never be shown. The survey found there was also a difference between the views of men and women, with men more likely to say that especially violent content should be freely available on TV after the 9pm watershed. Women are more likely to object to sexually explicit material and say that it should only be available on subscription services. Eight in ten adults felt that TV programmes should be regulated, with nine in ten adults were aware of the watershed (one really has to wonder about where the fuck the one-in-ten who didn't have been for the last thirty years). Three out of ten people questioned felt that programmes had 'got worse' over the past twelve months, with 'too many repeats' being given as the most popular reason. Although, if the repeats are more than a year old then it does, rather, render their answer as a contradiction in terms. Also cited were lack of variety (forty three per cent), general lack of quality (thirty two per cent) and too many reality shows (thirty per cent). Connected TV (TV hooked up to the Interweb), has been used by forty four per cent of UK adults in the past ten months, with catch-up services being the most popular thing to watch this way (thirty four per cent). The survey also looked at attitudes to radio programmes, with two-thirds of listeners saying the service they get from local radio stations is important to them.
If you were a Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan, dear blog reader, then twelve years ago this week you were probably watching the final episode of Joss Whedon's ground-breaking series. Sarah Michelle Gellar took to Instagram on Friday to create a collage of scenes from the show to mark the anniversary.
The TV production company behind Britain's Got Toilets has confirmed that the studio it was filming in was evacuated following the discovery of a World War Two bomb in Wembley on Friday. A spokesman for the show said: 'We were just about to start our rehearsal and were trying to build the set when the building was evacuated, so that process has been delayed for the moment. It has not been great, but it is not detrimental at this stage.'
The BBC has announced plans to devote a whole day to FA Cup final coverage on 30 May, bringing back its tradition of dedicated programming for the football event. Build-up to the big kick-off will include special editions of Pointless, Saturday Kitchen and TOTP2, as well as special content on Radio 5Live and the BBC Sport website. The Arse will face off against Aston Villains on BBC1 from 5.15pm, with live build-up from yer actual Gary Lineker on Match Of The Day at 3.55pm. Danny Cohen, the BBC's Director of Television, said: 'The BBC has delivered so much unique FA Cup programming to audiences since its return to BBC TV this season, it's only fitting to end the competition on such a high.'
Football's governing body - the not even slightly corrupt as hell FIFA - has launched an investigation after a BBC news team was arrested in Qatar while reporting on the plight of migrant workers building stadiums for the 2022 World Cup. The four-strong crew had been invited by the Qatari's Prime Minister's office on an 'official' (for which read 'official') tour of new accommodation for construction workers. It was part of a - somewhat ludicrous - public relations drive in the wake of an international outcry over the alleged slave-like conditions for workers exposed by a Gruniad Morning Star investigation. But, despite official permission to report in Qatar, the crew were subsequently arrested by the security services, interrogated and held in jail for two days before being released without charge. Or, indeed, explanation. The Qatari government defended the arrests and accused the BBC crew of 'trespassing.' FIFA, which has been repeatedly criticised for the way Qatar won the bid to host the 2022 World Cup, was helping to run the tour. It said it was investigating the arrests. 'Any instance relating to an apparent restriction of press freedom is of concern to FIFA and will be looked into with the seriousness it deserves,' it said in a statement. For which read, 'no it won't.' The BBC's Middle East correspondent, Mark Lobel, was one of those detained, along with his cameraman, a driver and translator. Speaking about his ordeal, Lobel said that his interrogators never explained why he had been detained but showed him surveillance photographs of his movements in Qatar. 'They had actually photographed my every move since I arrived,' Lobel told BBC Radio 4's Today programme. After their release, members of the team were allowed to take part in the 'official' tour of a migrant accommodation block but their equipment remained confiscated and Qatar has offered no explanation or apology for the arrests. 'We are fine,' Lobel said. 'The worrying sign of this is that it might be a crackdown on the media to deal with the problem at the same time that other parts of the government are trying to change their image.' In an article for the BBC News website, he added: 'Whatever the explanation, Qatar's Jekyll-and-Hyde approach to journalism has been exposed by the spotlight that has been thrown on it after winning the World Cup bid.' Qatar's head of communications, Saif al-Thani, claimed that the BBC crew were arrested after 'departing from an official tour.' And, that's a crime in Qatar, apparently. Which sort of makes one wonder whether fans travelling to the 2022 World Cup will also face a few night in the pokey for, oh I dunno, 'looking at me in a funny way' or something. He said: 'We gave the reporters free rein to interview whomever they chose and to roam unaccompanied in the labour villages. Perhaps anticipating that the government would not provide this sort of access, the BBC crew decided to do their own site visits and interviews in the days leading up to the planned tour. In doing so, they trespassed on private property, which is against the law in Qatar just as it is in most countries. Security forces were called and the BBC crew was detained.' No apology was issued, but Thani added: 'The problems that the BBC reporter and his crew experienced could have been avoided if they had chosen to join the other journalists on the press tour. They would have been able to visit – in broad daylight – the very camps they tried to break into at night. Reporters from the Associated Press, AFP, the Gruniad and Le Monde have filed stories on what they saw and heard in Qatar, and we invite interested readers to review their reports, which are available online. By trespassing on private property and running afoul of Qatari laws, the BBC reporter made himself the story. We sincerely hope that this was not his intention. Moreover, we deeply regret that he was unable to report the real story, which is that the government and the private sector are making significant progress in efforts to improve the lives and the labour conditions of guest workers in Qatar.' Human Rights Watch, which has highlighted Qatar's poor record on labour conditions, described the arrests as 'jaw-droppingly awful PR.' It pointed out that last week a German television crew was also arrested on a tour of Qatar. HRW Gulf researcher Nicholas McGeehan said: 'Qatar put itself in the harshest of spotlights when it won the right to host 2022 and this is not the way to deal with the inevitable press attention. If it wants to put an end to media criticism, it needs to make some serious reforms to its labour system. Claiming that the arrest and intimidation of BBC journalists was legitimate on account of their "trespassing" is probably the lowest point so far in a dismal series of PR disasters.'
An alleged plan by the Home Secretary to allegedly introduce counter-extremism powers to 'vet' British broadcasters' programmes before they are transmitted has, allegedly, been attacked in the bluntest terms as a threat to freedom of speech by one of her own Conservative cabinet colleagues, according to the Gruniad Morning Star. The (former) vile and odious rascal Javid wrote to David Cameron to say that, as the lack of culture secretary, he was unable to support the vile and odious rascal May's proposal to give Ofcom the new powers to take pre-emptive action against programmes that included 'extremist content', in a letter sent just before the start of the general erection campaign. The (former) vile and odious rascal Javid, who moved from the Department of Culture, Media and Sport to become lack of business secretary after the erection, said in the letter that the plan would move Ofcom from a regulator 'into the role of a censor.'Which, given that it isa politically appointed quango, elected by no one is, obviously, not a good thing and only the stupidest and most seriously mental glake in the whole wide world would think that it was a good thing. So, that'd be the vile and odious rascal May, seemingly. Such a move would involve 'a fundamental shift in the way UK broadcasting is regulated', moving away from the current framework of post-transmission regulation which takes account of freedom of expression, the (former) vile and odious rascal Javid said. The leaked memo from the then lack of culture secretary came in response to a request made by James May's sister on 6 March to ministers on the cabinet's Home Affairs committee and the National Security committee. She was, the Gruniad claim, seeking clearance for publication of her extremism strategy, which included the broadcasters' censorship proposal. 'It is not clear exactly what the outcome was following Javid's objection,' the Gruniad note although the fact that the (former) vile and odious rascal Javid now has a different job may, or may not, be significant in this regard. Next week's Queen's speech is expected include 'loosely specified powers' to 'strengthen the role of Ofcom to take action against channels which broadcast extremist content' according to a statement released by Downing Street last week. The Home Secretary last hinted at her wish to see the introduction of pre-broadcast banning powers in the immediate aftermath of the murder of Lee Rigby in Woolwich two years ago, when Conservative MPs expressed strong criticism of a BBC Newsnight interview with the radical Islamist activist Anjem Choudary. The vile and odious rascal May questioned what the BBC was doing in interviewing Choudary and said the government had to look at the role of Ofcom in relation to 'what is being beamed into people's homes.' But, when the Prime Minister's Extremism Task Force reported in December 2013, it did not include any moves towards pre-broadcast censorship and the subject was presumed to have been dropped. Extremist Task Force, incidentally, is the name of a new drama on Sky starring Ross Kemp. Probably. At the time the idea was compared to Margaret Thatcher's moves to tell broadcasters to deny terrorists the 'oxygen of publicity', which led to a full-scale row over a BBC decision to broadcast an extended interview with Martin McGuinness. That led to a journalists' strike and, two years later, the resignation of the then Director General. In the (former) vile and odious rascal Javid's letter, dated 12 March, the minister voiced his concern about the risk that the revived censorship proposal would be used 'otherwise than intended, not least given the difficulty of defining extremism, and the consequent likelihood of the government being seen to be interfering with freedom of speech without sufficient justification.' The (former) vile and odious rascal Javid even went as far as adding: 'It should be noted that other countries with a pre-transmission regulatory regime are not known for their compliance with rights relating to freedom of expression and government may not wish to be associated with such regimes.' Objections from the (former) vile and odious rascal Javid and to a lesser extent from other senior Conservative cabinet ministers, including Big Fat Eric Pickles, Theresa Villiers, Nicky Morgan and that slapheed Chris Grayling, prevented the Home Secretary from publishing her extremism strategy, A Stronger Britain, before the erection, the Gruniad claims. The Javid leak undermines claims - made by the former Nick Clegg - that it was the Lib Dems alone who blocked May's extremism strategy during the coalition. Last week's Downing Street statement also confirmed there will be legislation to introduce new banning orders for extremist organisations and extremism-disruption orders to 'combat groups and individuals who reject our values and promote messages of hate', which will deny their access to the airwaves and to social media. So, that's large chunks of Doctor Who fandom in a bit of trouble by the look of things. The vile and odious rascal May has already revealed plans to require the Home Office 'extremism analysis unit' to set out clearly for the first time which individuals and organisations the government and public sector should or should not engage with: 'This will make sure nobody unwittingly lends legitimacy or credibility to extremists or extremist organisations.' The commitment to produce legislation giving Ofcom a stronger role to take action against channels which broadcast extremist content suggests The Queen's Speech will go much further than simply keeping its powers under regular review. Ofcom, Javid's letter said, already has 'strict rules' to ensure that material that is likely to 'incite hatred' is not broadcast on radio, television or in on-demand programmes. He says that Ofcom has already taken 'robust action against UK broadcasters which have breached these rules.' The minister told the PM: 'However, Ofcom does not have the powers to approve programmes before they are broadcast and nor do we consider that it should have these powers as has been proposed in paragraph one hundred and eleven of the strategy. Extending Ofcom's powers to enable it to take pre-emptive action would move it from its current position as a post-transmission regulator into the role of censor.' The then lack of culture secretary said that he was 'unable to agree' to the publication of May's extremism strategy with the wording in that particular paragraph and suggested that it be replaced with a paragraph setting out the previously agreed position that Ofcom's powers be 'kept under regular review.' The Home Office said they refused to comment on 'leaked ministerial documents.' Who it was that leaked the document to the Gruniad in first place and whether they are currently having their various naughty bits slammed in a drawer by Special Branch is not, at this time, known. Bu, we can probably guess.
Newsnight will broadcast Labour's official leadership hustings, as part of the party's desire to 'let the public in' on the contest. The debate will be presented by the BBC's chief correspondent, Laura Kuenssberg, and broadcast live at 7pm on BBC2 and the BBC News channel on Wednesday 17 June. Labour's acting leader, Mad Hattie Harman, said that the party must have the public in the forefront of their its mind as it elects a new leadership team. Indicating that she didn't believe this to have been the case previously. She said: 'If there is one question that should drive the thinking as we elect a new leadership team it is this: which candidate has the best qualities and leadership skills most likely to win over the support of the public? That’s why our hustings have got to be different. As I said last Monday, I want members and supporters who elect our new leader to see not just how the candidates react and relate to the party faithful but also to see how they react and relate to those we need to win over. We need robust, tough, televised hustings which involve the public. And we cannot just hold hustings in our Labour heartlands, we have to go to areas where we didn’t win.'The hustings will be held in Nuneaton, an area widely seen as typical of the kind that Labour extremely failed to win over during this month's general erection. The BBC will select the audience and decide on the format of the debate. Coverage and analysis will continue on the BBC News channel from 8pm and Newsnight will broadcast 'highlights' and discussion at 10.30pm. Led, presumably, by Gary Linekar, Alan Shearer and Robbie Savage. Details of any further Labour leadership and deputy leadership hustings events have not yet been announced, but Harman indicated that other debates could take place with different broadcasters. Ian Katz, the Newsnight editor, said: 'Five years ago Newsnight staged the first televised hustings in the race to succeed Gordon Brown as Labour leader and we're delighted to be giving viewers a ringside seat for the fascinating argument over the future of the party at this pivotal moment.' In a speech at Labour HQ in London on Monday, Harman said any registered voter would be able to help choose the party's next leader for a three quid fee. She said that people who were not party members or affiliated supporters through a union or Labour-linked organisation would be able to vote. Harman said: 'Anyone – providing they are on the electoral register – can become a registered supporter, pay three pounds and have a vote to decide our next leader. This is the first time a political party in this country has opened up its leadership contest in this way and I think there will be a real appetite for it out there.' Labour's leadership contest, the results of which will be announced on 12 September, was triggered after the resignation of Ed Milimolimandi in the aftermath of the party's catastophic defeat in the general erection. Candidates need to be nominated by thirty five Labour MPs and nominations close on 15 June. The candidates who have announced their intention to stand are: Liz Kendall, the MP for Leicester West and the shadow minister for care and older people, Andy Burnham, the MP for Leigh and the shadow secretary of state for health, Yvette Cooper, the MP for Pontefract and Castleford and the shadow Home Secretary and Mary Creagh, the MP for Wakefield and the shadow secretary of state for international development.

Chris Packham believes that lynxes and wolves would have 'a positive impact' on the eco-system and local economy if they were reintroduced into the UK. The Springwatch presenter told Radio Times in the latest issue of the magazine that we need large predators to have a 'sustainable working landscape. Wolves live in Portugal, Spain, Italy and in Sweden too. There have been only two fatalities since the year 2000, both in the US and certainly none in Europe. What we would like to move towards is a more tolerant society that understands the fact that to have a sustainable working landscape we need large predators,' he noted. Packham - whom all of us at From The North have a lot of time for - says that persuading the UK to bring back the wolf and the lynx was 'proving a difficult task.' No shit? 'We have lived without them in the UK for such a long time that people are very resistant to the idea of them coming back, which is a shame because we do know better and we do need them and it would be tremendously exciting. If we did have wolves – which would have to be in Scotland – and lynxes then lots of people would pay to go see them and they would be a great asset to the community.' Particularly the singing ones.
Lottery funding worth ninety eight million quid is being given to nine heritage sites, including projects to preserve Britain's scientific and technological history. The Heritage Lottery Fund said it hopes some of the projects will inspire young people to take a greater interest in science and technology. One of the biggest awards - worth just over twelve million wonga - is for Jodrell Bank in Cheshire, home to the Lovell Telescope. Physicist and TV presenter Brian Cox (no, the other one) welcomed the support for it. 'When I was young, visiting Jodrell Bank was one of the things that inspired me to become a scientist,' he said. 'The rich scientific history of the UK is a key part of our culture and Jodrell Bank is the stand-out icon of UK science and engineering,' he added. Jodrell Bank is the only remaining site in the world that showcases the entire story of the development of radio astronomy. The funding will create an exhibition pavilion to explain the role the site played in international scientific development. There will also be a new volunteer and skills programme and a schools programme that will reach an additional six thousand school visitors a year. London's Science Museum will receive eight million knicker for a major redevelopment of its medicine galleries, which is due to be completed in 2019. It will showcase three thousand objects from the world's largest medical collection and reveal personal stories of how lives have been transformed by changes to medicine and health over the last five hundred years. The Great Central Railway, which runs through Leicestershire and Nottinghamshire, is being given ten million smackers to create a new heritage railway museum in Leicester. Some exhibits will come from the National Railway Museum in York, which has been part of the project. The British Library will receive over nine and a half million quid for its project to digitise the nation's 'rare, unique and most vulnerable' sound recordings and open them up online for people to hear. It will ensure the survival of more than half a million recordings, ranging from interviews with Kindertransport child refugees from Nazi Germany to extinct birdsong, accents and dialects from around Britain.

And now ...
Channel Four has commissioned a new series of Dom Joly's Trigger Happy TV more than a decade after it was last on screens. Got to say, it was format that yer actual Keith Telly Topping always considered to be about as funny as testicular cancer, personally, but I know some people liked it. The comic told BBC London's Robert Elms he was bringing the show back, but it would be 'more cinematic' than the original series. 'So it's not coming back as the original show, it's coming back as a Trigger Happy stunt show, so I'm quite excited about that,' he said.
Trinity Mirra is being very sued by more than seventy z-list celebrities, sports stars and politicians after the newspaper group was ordered to pay over 1.2 million smackers in damages to eight phone-hacking victims. Davina McCall, the television presenter, and Sheryl Gascoigne, the former wife of ex-footballer Paul Gascoigne, are among scores of high-profile figures suing the Daily Mirra and Sunday Mirra publisher, the high court in London heard this week. Speaking after Trinity Mirra was extremely ordered to make the record payouts, David Sherborne, the barrister for the victims, told the court there was 'somewhere in the region of seventy other claims' in preparation. Earlier on Thursday the newspaper group was ordered to pay two hundred and sixty thousand knicker to the actress Sadie Frost and one hundred and eighty eight thousand quid to Paul Gascoigne his very self as part of payments totalling over a million notes over phone-hacking at the Daily Mirra, Sunday Mirra and the People. Sherborne told the judge that a number of the seventy fresh claims were 'substantial' even in comparison to the six-figure payouts announced by the judge, Mr Justice Mann. In addition to the seventy claims, four celebrities' cases were also being 'managed': those of McCall, Sheryl Gascoigne, the actor Holly Davidson and the comedian John Thomson. A further ten alleged victims have settled out of court. Trinity Mirra announced after Thursday's ruling that it was considering an appeal, saying that its initial view was the basis used for calculating the level of damages was 'incorrect.' However, it also said it was increasing the amount of money set aside to deal with the legal cases from twelve million smackers to twenty eight. Dear blog readers with longer memories may recall that Trinity Mirra spent years denying that any of that there phone-hacking had taken place at any of its titles, no siree Bob. Robert Ashworth, a former Coronation Street producer who told the court that phone-hacking had 'ruined his media career' and his marriage to soap actor Tracy Shaw, was awarded two hundred and one thousand smackers for the invasion of his privacy. EastEnders actor Lucy Taggart received a one hundred and fifty seven thousand quid pay-out, while another EastEnders actor, yer actual Shane Richie, got one hundred and fifty five thousand knicker. Coronation Street actress Shobna Gulati was awarded one hundred and seventeen thousand smackers, BBC executive Alan Yentob was awarded eighty five thousand and flight attendant Lauren Alcorn got seventy eight thousand. The pay-outs dwarf those paid by News UK, the publisher of the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World, to phone-hacking victims. In contrast to those pay-outs, the Trinity Mirra damages were decided by a high court judge after the victims refused to settle out of court. In his judgment, Mr Justice Mann found that phone hacking went 'far beyond' that carried out by the Sunday Mirra's self-confessed 'in-house phone hacker', Dan Evans. 'The practice was so widespread and so frequent in the newspaper that it is likely that some of them will have hacked, though not all the time,' Mann said.

Dave will rebrand itself as 'David' - for one day only on 18 June - to mark the launch of new series Hoff The Record. The spoof reality series - the trailers of which, to be fair, look really funny - stars David Hasselhoff as a fictionalised version of himself, hoping to salvage his crumbling showbiz career in the UK. The first episode will be broadcast on Thursday 18 June 18 at 9pm - and a second series has already been commissioned.
With only two hundred and sixteen shoplifting days until Christmas, Netflix is already trumpeting its coup seasonal signing - A Very Murray Christmas. Directed by Sofia Coppola, it sees Bill Murray playing himself as he tries to put together a holiday TV show which appears doomed because of a terrible snow storm. Guests arrive in the shape of George Clooney, Amy Poehler, Chris Rock and Miley Cyrus to help sing, dance and lift our Christmas spirits. Bah and, indeed, humbug. Next ...

Animal protection groups say that they have successfully suspended the recording of a TV series called Dolphins With The Stars in Portugal. According to the Born Free Foundation, the show involves celebrities training captive dolphins to perform routines and tricks for live audiences. Whether they bothered to ask the dolphins whether they wished to have their moment of telly fame ripped away from them is not, at this time, known. Campaigners argued that the show was 'exploitative' and also contravened zoo regulations in the country. The broadcaster and the zoo said that it had 'educational and scientific value.' A slick trailer for the series states that ten celebrities each 'team up' with a dolphin and the teams 'live together' for a month. Again, whether the dolphins themselves were actual parties to these living arrangements, they didn't specify. Trainers and choreographers work with each pair to create a show that would eventually be judged by a live audience. Dolphins With The Stars has already been broadcast in Lithuania and it is thought that the rights have been bought in Spain and Italy and optioned across Europe. The Portuguese version was being filmed at Zoomarine in Guia, in the Algarve, and was due to be broadcast on 20 June by SIC, a national television network. Daniel Turner, spokesperson for the Born Free Foundation said: 'We are delighted to hear the news. We weren't able to stop it in Lithuania, but the Portuguese were much more receptive. They have very good legislation for zoos that prevents the over-exploitation of animals.' The BFF and the Dolphinaria-Free Europe Coalition, which is made up of nineteen NGOs from eleven countries, sent letters to the Portuguese government claiming: 'The exploitative practices of the TV show contradicted the zoo's legal requirements that dictate a commitment to species conservation, meaningful public education and species-specific animal welfare. It was clear that the use of Zoomarine's bottlenose dolphins would be in breach of those requirements.' The filming of the show was under way, although it is thought that the celebrities had not yet been introduced to the dolphins. Announcing the official suspension of the programme, SIC and Zoomarine said that they had done so on the advice of government regulatory bodies - the Institute for Nature Conservation and Forests and the National Authority for Animal Health. Expressing 'disappointment' with the decision, a press release claimed that they had 'gone to great lengths' to 'strengthen the educational and scientific elements' of the show. The aim had been to 'increase understanding of this magnificent marine species' and 'thus promote marine conservation.' Although quite how the omnipresent voting element fits into this alleged format is not immediately clear. Ensuring the health of the dolphins had been 'of paramount importance' they continued. According to campaigners, more than three hundred whales and dolphins are kept in zoos and theme parks in fifteen European countries. For a long time there has been a debate about the ethics and effect of confinement on cetaceans - the family of aquatic mammals whales includes whales, dolphins and porpoises - especially as more is discovered about their intellectual and cognitive abilities. They are seen as among the most intelligent species on Earth. Although, that said, the fact that, as far as we know, there has never been a TV programme in which dolphins trained humans to jump through hoops for fish would appear to suggest they're not all that bright. They do have complex social networks, recognise themselves in mirrors and have been shown to keep track of more than one hundred words. Of which, several are types of fish, to be fair. Turner said: 'Whales and dolphins are hugely intelligent and social species, which when deprived of space and environmental complexity, develop abnormal behaviours such as stereotypic behaviour, heightened aggression and in some cases, early mortality.' The 2013 documentary Blackfish explored the impact on Orcas of living in tanks at SeaWorld. The resort saw a steep decline in visitor numbers after it was broadcast. However, SeaWorld and similar theme parks strongly refute any claims that their conditions 'inflict harm' on their captive aquatic animals. They maintain that such positions are not scientific, but are the., perhaps, anthropomorphic views of animal rights activists - and that tanks are specially designed to mimic the animals' watery world as accurately as possible. Only, you know, smaller. The majority of dolphins are captive born. European law prevents the capture of wild cetaceans from EU waters for commercial purposes - for example, their use in dolphinaria. But according to the Born Free Foundation there are 'few restrictions to importing wild-caught animals from outside the EU.'

Turkish authorities have charged an ex-boyfriend with the shooting of a young talent show contestant. Mutlu Kaya, nineteen, remains in a critical condition after being shot on Monday in the Diyarbakir province, a conservative region in South-East Turkey. A gun was fired from the garden and through a window of her house as she rehearsed. Her ex-boyfriend, identified as Veysel E, has reportedly been charged with attempted murder. Local media reported that he had denied the accusation, while being 'opposed to Mutlu Kaya's participation on the show.' The twenty six-year-old was one of three men detained by authorities, but the other two were later released. Kaya had reportedly received death threats for singing on Sesi Cok Guzel - roughly translated as Sounds Beautiful - a popular song contest similar to shows like Britain's Got Toilets and The Voice. She had been mentored by Sibel Can, one of Turkey's best-known folk singers, who posted a picture of Kaya on Instagram after the shooting. 'My beautiful girl Mutlu, how could they wound you?' read the caption. 'I am very sad.' In March, Can had visited Kaya at the school canteen where she worked, in order to make sure she joined her team in the competition. The Posta newspaper reported on Sunday that Kaya had received death threats after appearing on the show. 'I am afraid,' she was quoted as telling the show's production team. Her father, Mehmet Kaya, said: 'I just want my daughter to be healthy and don't want anything else.'

The full story of The Kinks - particular favourites of yer actual Keith Telly Topping, of course - is to be told on the big screen for the first time by Julien Temple, the director of The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle, reports Screen Daily. Provisionally entitled You Really Got Me after the band's first big hit, the biopic will feature Clouds Of Sils Maria's Johnny Flynn and Pride's George Mackay as Ray and Dave Davies, the original squabbling sibling. Iconic TV screenwriting duo yer actual Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais his very self, known for Porridge, The Likely Lads and its sequel and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, will work on the script. Ooo, this is sounding better and better. Crucially, producers have obtained the rights to all of The Kinks' best known songs and the Davies brothers themselves are to work on the soundtrack. Fittingly for a film about one of the 1960s' most infamous brotherly partnerships, Temple is also keeping the supporting cast within the family: his daughter Juno Temple will play Ray's former wife, Rasa, who also sang on some of their best known songs including 'Sunny Afternoon', 'Dead End Street', 'Waterloo Sunset' and 'Days'. 'This is an exciting chance to tell The Kinks story in a visceral and real way,' Temple told Screen Daily. 'The lyrics of The Kinks have always been fascinating to me and there is an amazing human story here as well which has yet to be captured on film.' Both Flynn and Mackay are accomplished musicians, with the former a singer-songwriter and the latter having played the lead in the acclaimed 2013 musical Sunshine On Leith, based on the songs of The Proclaimers. Added Temple: 'It's not easy to find British leading men who can deliver the kind of musically compelling performances we need and we have those in Johnny and George.' Film-makers have also secured the rights to both brothers' autobiographies. Temple himself directed the 2010 television documentary Ray Davies: Imaginary Man as part of the BBC's Imagine series, as well as a follow-up piece on Dave for the BBC4, 2011's Dave Davies: Kinkdom Come (both hugely recommended if you can find copis, incidentally). The film has been a long-term passion of veteran British producer Jeremy Thomas, known for Bernardo Bertolucci's Oscar-winning The Last Emperor, The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle and, more recently, critically-acclaimed films such as David Cronenberg's A Dangerous Method and Jim Jarmusch's Only Lovers Left Alive. He said: 'This is the story of the brothers growing up and the group's later disbanding. They are the Cain and Abel of rock but their story isn't known as well as it should be.'You Really Got Me is being touted to investors at the current Cannes film festival, where Thomas is a regular visitor.

Public Enemy's Flavor Flav has been arrested in Las Vegas for driving under the influence, speeding, marijuana possession and driving on a suspended licence. He was reportedly pulled over by Nevada Highway Patrol in the early hours of Thursday, allegedly driving seventy three mph in a forty five mph zone. He posted bail the same day. The fifty six-year-old is already facing driving charges in New York, stemming from his January 2014 arrest for speeding on the way to his mother's funeral. He has pleaded not guilty to those charges.
A thirty six year old Brazilian accountant, one Ana Catarian Bezerra, recently won a court case, allowing her to watch porn and have a wank at work. Yes, this blogger is aware that lots of people do this already but, usually, if they get caught, they're given the tin-tack. Ana claimed to have a medical condition which causes a chemical imbalance leading to 'severe anxiety and hypersexuality' and, after some days of legal and medical argument, the court accepted this. She said: 'It got so bad I would have to masturbate up to forty seven times a day. That's when I asked for help, I knew it wasn't normal.' Her physician, Carlos Howert, has prescribed her 'a cocktail' of tranquilisers to help curb Ana's condition. And, it seems to be working as now, he said, she only has to masturbate around eighteen times a day. The court ruled that Ana should be allowed to watch pornography on her work computer and fiddle with herself to her heart's content if the mood takes her. However, her work 'could suffer' her employers noted, as she has to leave her work station whenever she fancies a bit of ladies' alone-time. Now, she will be allowed fifteen minute breaks every two hours so she can surf for porn and, ahem, get her release. Since the ruling, it has been claimed that 'a lot more women' are coming forward alleging they suffer from the same symptoms. Office work in Brazil never sounded so appealing, frankly.
The cricket started again this week, dear blog reader; Thursday in front of a virtually full house Lord's was one of the best day's test cricket this blogger can remember watching in at least a couple of years and a jolly necessary reminder - after months of a relentless diet of one day cricket - of why the test format is such a wonderful spectacle. It started with New Zealand's bowler being all over England like a rash for the first hour and then, thanks to Joe Root, Ben Stokes, Jos Buttler and Moeen Ali, England recovered from thirty for four around noon to close with three hundred and fifty four for seven a few hours later. Anyway, the return of The Summer Game gives this blogger an excuse to dig out three photos from The Files. Some years ago, yer actual Keith Telly Topping was surprised to find published in an issue of Wisden Cricket Monthly a photo taken at an international charity match at Northumberland's beautiful county ground, Jesmond, in about 1982 or 1983. That's the great Barry Wood (Lancashire, Derbyshire and England) signing autographs for a line of young children and, just behind, sitting watching the game with rapt attention was yer actual Keith Telly Topping and his late father, Tommy Telly Topping his very self. You can always spot Keith Telly Topping at a cricket match, dear blog reader, because as he's usually got a big white arrow sticking out of the top of his head..
The second picture was one that this blogger recently found when scanning in a load of old family photos which had been stuck in a cardboard box in a cupboard at Stately Telly Topping Manor since yer actual cleared out the late Mama Telly Topping's house after her death a couple of years ago. It was taken by this blogger's father on 4 August 1975 in the Nursery End at Lord's on the day that yer actual Keith Telly Topping attended his first ever day of test cricket. As this blogger has previously written, it was a memorable day for several reasons but, mainly, because it was the day that a streaker ran on the pitch and hurdled the stumps. It was also one of the hottest days in living memory and ended with yer actual Keith Telly Topping spending the rest of a family holiday in Southampton in bed at his Uncle George and Auntie Betty's gaff suffering from severe heatstroke. Ah, summer holidays in the 1970s, dear blog reader. They were the stuff of nightmares.
And, for the sake of completeness, let it be noted that yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self took a photo of his dad from the same spot - looking over towards The Mound Stand, and The Tavern - a few moments later (and, managed to get the scoreboard in).
Since this was, most probably, taken at lunchtime (note the lack of players on the pitch), England - in the shape of John Edrich and either Graham Gooch or Tony Grieg - would have been batting at the time. They eventually scored four hundred and thirty six for seven declared and Australia, set in improbably four hundred and eighty four to fine in four sessions ended the day on ninety seven for one. The game ended, the next day in a draw. Here's the full scorecard.

Aided, considerably, by a virtually empty pool on Monday morning - that is, empty of other swimmers rather than, you know, empty of water - yer actual Keith telly Topping only went and done thirty lengths, didn't he? It was a struggle up to about ... twenty or so, admittedly - mainly because Keith Telly Topping was having to drag Cap'n Boyd's Eye's beard through the water - and then it just went, if you will, swimmingly. Sorry. He did another thirty on Tuesday morning - again, helped by the fact that there weren't many other swimmers in at that time; this blogger appeared to have timed it just right in the crack between the really early birds and the kids coming in later. And, he felt fantastic ... until he got back to Stately Telly Topping Manor and the back pain started kicking in. Twenty eight lengths on Wednesday were completed but, by that stage the back had started to give yer actual some severe gyp and necessitated his first trip to see Doctor Chris since January. The prognosis? 'Yer back's jiggered, Keith Telly Topping but, apart from that, you're a picture of health.' Nice to know.
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's a righteous slice of yer actual Mister Echo and his various Bunnymen. Take it away, Mister Echo.

Yer actual Peter Capaldi is heading to the San Diego Comic-Con on Thursday 9 July with his Doctor Who co-star Jenna Coleman, who will be making her second appearance at the annual event. The pair will be joined by executive producer The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, producer Brian Minchin and Michelle Gomez at a panel to discuss the show's upcoming ninth series. Capaldi said: 'Tales of San Diego Comic-Con are told in awe on every set around the known fantasy/sci-fi production world. It's become a fabled kingdom. One I am thrilled to find myself heading for. And to appear in the legendary Hall H is a further twist to the cosplay and comic madness I may never recover from.'Doctor Who will return to screens this autumn with a two-part première, The Magician's Apprentice and The Witch's Familiar.
Doctor Who has hired director Justin Molotnikov to take charge of two episodes from the forthcoming series. This won't be the first time Molotnikov has tackled a BBC fantasy series, having been behind the camera on episodes of Merlin and Atlantis. His involvement in the new series of Doctor Who was revealed by his client page on The Agency website. It is currently unclear which two episodes he will direct, with two slots - episodes nine and ten, and episodes eleven and twelve - still thought to be open. Steven Moffat has confirmed that series nine will feature more two-parters, though some pairs of episodes may only be loosely linked. Scottish film-maker Molotnikov directed eight episodes of Merlin between 2011 and 2012, eight episodes of Atlantis between 2013 and 2015 and has also worked on Da Vinci's Demons.
The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has claimed that he 'still feels guilty' about changing the outcome of The Time War in Doctor Who's fiftieth anniversary special. The Day Of The Doctor rewrote The Time War storyline established by previous lead writer Russell Davies when the show returned in 2005. Which, to be honest, most of the audience didn't really care about but, it gave The Special People something else to whinge, loudly, about to anyone that would listen (and, indeed, anyone that wouldn't). So, that was good. That's always good. Writing in the new issue of Doctor Who Magazine, The Moffinator admitted: 'The Day Of The Doctor was a success. Record ratings, awards, rave reviews. By any measure, it did all right.' Yeah, all true. Plus, yer actual Keith Telly Topping thought it was great - the ultimate arbiter of The Worth Of All Things. 'But,' Steven continued, 'two years later, I'm still haunted by the guilt. I know some of you, including friends of mine, were upset that we reversed the outcome of The Time War. My defence, however feeble, is that given the chance, The Doctor would do exactly that. And it was his birthday, how could I deny him that chance? What could define him more? This man who always finds another way? And there he is, at every moment of his life, proving to himself – literally – that there is always a better path.'
Britain's Got Toilets dominated the ratings on Bank Holiday Monday, according to overnight figures. The first live semi-final of the 2015 series was seen by 8.56m overnight punters between 7.30pm and 9pm. Later, 6.58m tuned-in to see Cor Glanaethwy and Entity Allstars become the first acts to progress to the final at 9.30pm. The network première of Marvel's Avengers Assemble brought in 3.29m for BBC1 at 8pm. Including yer actual Keith Telly Topping who'd, remarkably, never seen it tell now. Quite enjoyed it, actually. Anyway, on BBC2, A Cook Abroad interested nine hundred and eighty thousand at 7pm, before the first episode of the 2015 series of Springwatch averaged 2.13m at 8pm and Churchill: When Britain Said No gathered 1.36m at 9pm. Episodes followed with seven hundred and sixty thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's Damned Designs was watched by six hundred and eighty thousand at 8pm, while Benefits Street continued to attract strong numbers (although, Christ only knows why) with 1.21m at 9pm and The Night Bus was watched by six hundred and sixty thousand at 10pm. Gotham continued with six hundred and thirty thousand on Channel Five at 9pm, while Big Brother drew an audience of seven hundred and seventy five thousand sad, crushed victims of society at 10pm. The latest episode of Game Of Thrones dipped to its lowest audience of the series so far, eight hundred and forty nine thousand on Sky Atlantic at 9pm.

Britain's Got Toilets continued to dominate the overnight ratings on Tuesday, but its audience dropped by around seven hundred and fifty thousand viewers night-on-night for the second semi-final on ITV. The live show brought in 7.79m punters between 7.30pm and 9pm. Monday's first semi-final attracted an overnight audience of 8.56m. Later, the live results show were seen by 6.57m at 9.30pm. BBC1's Crimewatch averaged 2.79m at 9pm, while Gary Lineker On The Road To FA Cup Glory had an audience of 1.56m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, A Cook Abroad continued with seven hundred and ninety thousand at 7pm, before Springwatch interested 1.89m at 8pm and Joan Of Arc: God's Warrior attracted 1.32m at 9pm. Kirstie & Phil's Love It Or List It continued to prove popular with Channel Four viewers, with 1.18m at 8pm. No Offence followed with 1.07m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Pets Make You Laugh Out Loud was gawped at by six hundred and forty three thousand people with nothing better to do with their time at 9pm while Big Brother's audience rose to nine hundred and fifty one thousand at 10pm. No, the blogger doesn't know why either. Empire continued on E4 with three hundred and ten thousand at 9pm, while the latest episode of Penny Dreadful brought in one hundred and fifty one thousand for Sky Atlantic at 10pm.

And, Britain's Got Toilets was an overnight ratings winner for ITV again on Wednesday. The third live episode was up four hundred thousand viewers night-on-night with an average of 8.2m between 7.30pm and 9pm. The results show - which saw UDI and Jamie Raven win places in the grand final, apparently - was watched by 6.92m at 9.30pm. On BBC1, Traffic Cops had an audience of 2.40m at 8pm, whilst the latest New Tricks repeat attracted 2.06m at 9pm. BBC2's A Cook Abroad interested seven hundred and forty thousand at 7pm, before Springwatch was watched by 1.75m at 8pm and Modern Times brought in seven hundred and forty thousand at 9.30pm. Newsnight followed with six hundred and thirty thousand at 10.30pm. The Supervet averaged six hundred and twenty thousand for Channel Four at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours In A&E claimed 1.66m at 9pm. Channel Five's Benefits Britain: Me & My Fourteen Kids was seen by nine hundred and forty seven thousand punters at 9pm and Big Brother continued with eight hundred and eighty five thousand at 10pm. E4's US imports Jane The Virgin and Nashville continued with one hundred and fourteen thousand at 9pm and one hundred and thirty four thousand at 10pm respectively.

Britain's Got Toilets blah, blah, blah, Thursday's overnight ratings, blah, blah, blah. The penultimate semi-final blah'd 7.77m between 7.30pm and 9pm on ITV. Later, the live results show - which featured a performance from Olly Murs - brought in 7.27m at 9.30pm. On BBC1, which seems to have pretty much given up trying to schedule anything remotely worthwhile this week, Watchdog bored 2.28m titless at 8pm, while Britain's Secret Terror Deals was seen by 1.31m an hour later. Question Time followed with 2.06m at 10.45pm. BBC2's A Cook Abroad gathered 1.03m at 7pm, before Springwatch's audience dipped slightly to 1.64m at 8pm and The Game continued to shed viewers, being watched by but nine hundred and twenty thousand at 9pm. A repeat of Qi had an audience of eight hundred and ninety thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's Born Naughty? had an audience of seven hundred and ninety thousand at 8pm, while Inside Jaguar: Making A Million Pound Car proved popular for the channel with 1.53m at 9pm. The Hotel Inspector: Abroad was watched by eight hundred and fifty eight thousand at 9pm, while Big Brother drew one million punters at 10pm. The Big Bang Theory continued to be a ratings winner for E4 with seven hundred and ninety seven thousand at 8.30pm. Glee returned to Sky1 for its final series with eighty seven thousand viewers at 9pm.

Big Brother's latest eviction peaked with an overnight audience of 1.36 million sad, crushed victims of society at 10pm on Friday evening. An average audience of 1.04 million watched the episode in its entirety. Unsurprisingly, the fifth and last Britain's Got Toilets semi-final was the highest-rated show of the evening, with 8.02 million viewers from 7.30pm. An average audience of 6.78 million watched the results show at 9.30pm. BBC1's evening kicked off with 3.30 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, Room 101 was seen by 1.93 million at 8pm, followed by 1.72 million for the eighty third millionth repeat of The Vicar Of Dibley at 8.30pm. And, it wasn't even funny the first time. Have I Got News For You - with guest host Gary Lineker, who'd admitted publicly beforehand that he was very nervous but who was really rather good in the episode - was watched by 3.58 million viewers at 8.30pm, while yet another repeat (shhh, don't tell the Daily Scum Mail, they'll be furious), Mrs Brown's Boys attracted an average audience of 2.66 million. With guests such as Melissa McCarthy, Jude Law and Chris Pratt, The Graham Norton Show was seen by 3.06 million from 10.35pm. A Cook Abroad began BBC2's evening with nine hundred and ixty thousand, followed by 1.72 million for Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites and 2.16 million for Gardener's World. Britain's Greatest Generation continued with nine hundred and forty thousand, while The Clare Balding Show rounded the evening off with five hundred and seventy thousand. Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was Channel Four's highest-rated show with nine hundred and thirty thousand at 9pm. It was sandwiched between Marvel's Agents of SHIELD with six hundred and ten thousand and Alan Carr: Chatty Man with seven hundred and twenty thousand.

As noted, Have I Got News For You was presented this week by yer actual Gary Lineker who got one of the comedy lines of the week just before the Strengthometer Of News round when he slipped effortlessly into Match Of The Day mode: 'Shortly, we'll be seeing Stoke versus Swansea ...'
Almost as good was Gary asking what Eric Pickles had just been given this week and Paul Merton trademark pithy reply 'his own postal code?'
BBC1's coverage of this year's FA Cup final attracted nearly seven-and-a-half million overnight viewers on Saturday. The Arse's four-nil thrashing of The Aston Villains (and their notoriously fickle support) averaged 7.47m from 5.15pm. The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins managed 4.1m later, with Casualty and The John Bishop Show being watched by 4.2m and 3.44m overnight punters respectively. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat entertained 1.67m from 8.30pm, before the movie Quartet appealed to 1.12m. ITV's Ninja Warrior closed with 3.8m from 7.30pm. Afterwards, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was watched by 3.13m. On Channel Four, the Daniel Radcliffe movie The Woman In Black averaged seven hundred and fifty two thousand from 9pm. On Channel Five, the latest Big Brother highlights -and, this blogger uses that word quite wrongly - had an audience of seven hundred and forty three thousand in the 9pm hour. The multichannels were topped by ITV3's Foyle's War, which was watched by six hundred and eighty two thousand from 8pm.

Britain's Got Toilets ended on Sunday evening. The live final - which saw Jules O'Dwyer and Matisse The Dog crowned champions - was watched by 11.37m overnight viewers between 7.30pm and 10pm. At its peak, the final was watched by 13.4 million viewers and had an audience share of fifty two per cent. This blogger resigned from the general public in protest but, to be honest, I don't think it did much good. The talent competition enjoyed a ratings boost in comparison to last year's final, which brought in overnight ratings of 10.32m. BBC1's Countryfile was the second most-watched programme of the evening, with 5.80m at 7pm. Later, Antiques Roadshow interested 4.40m at 8pm and Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell's audience fell yet again, to 2.17m at 9pm. Oh dear, looks like this one really hasn't caught the public's imagination. Which is a shame because, so far, it's been pretty good. On BBC2, Demolition averaged 1.26m at 8pm, before Armada: Twelve Days To Save England was watched by 1.71m at 9pm and Rev had seven hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's For The Love Of Cars was seen by nine hundred and twenty thousand at 8pm, while the terrestrial début of Shutter Island drew 1.11m at 9pm. On Channel Five, the latest episode of Big Brother brought in 1.03m at 10pm.

And, finally in our weekly ratings round-up, here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty One programmes for the week-ending Sunday 24 May 2015:-
1 Britain's Got Toilets - Sat ITV - 8.98m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.92m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.64m
4 The Eurovision Song Contest 2015 - Sat BBC1 - 6.78m
5 Inspector George Gently - Wed BBC1 - 6.27m
6 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.17m
7 Countryfile - Sun BBc1 - 5.93m
8 Peter Kay's Car Share - Wed BBC1 - 5.92m
9 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.55m
10 Home Fires - Sun ITV - 5.08m*
11 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.88
12 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 4.86m
13 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.58m
14 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.31m
15 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.25m
16 Ten O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.06m
17 The RHS Chelsea Flower Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.00m
18 The Graham Norton Show - Fri BBC1 - 3.93m
19 The British Soap Awards - Thurs ITV - 3.74m*
20 Ninja Warrior UK - Sat ITV - 3.58m*
21 Formula 1: The Monaco Grand Prix Highlights - Sun BBC1 - 3.55m
These figures, as usual, do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. It's worth highlighting that, aside from the ITV six programmes featured above, not one single programme on ITV besides had a consolidated audience of more than three million across the entire week, Sunday Night At The London Palladium's 2.8 million being the next most watched after BGT, Corrie, Emmerdale, Home Fires, The British Soap Awards and Ninja Warrior. The much-trailed Man & Beast With Martin Clunes only drew 2.28m whilst, and this really will amuse you, with thigh-slapping hilarity Amanda Holden's risible and thoroughly nauseous Give A Pet A Home was watched by but 1.88 million. Never in the field of British telly viewing have so many said 'no thanks' to so few. BBC2's week was dominated by the channel's coverage of The RHS Chelsea Flower Show with the five nightly shows occupying places one, two, three, four and eight in the BBC2 Top Ten. Tuesday night's audience of 3.19m was BBC2's most-watched programme, followed by Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites (2.21m), The Detectives (2.16m), Armada: Twelve Days To Save England (1.98m) and Horizon (1.65m). Channel Four's best-rated shows were The Island With Bear Grylls (2.08m), Benefits Street (2.41m), No Offence (2.09m), Love It Or List It (1.75m) and Born Naughty? (1.67m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were Benefits Britain: Life On The Dole (1.71m), Gotham (1.38m), The Hotel Inspector (1.37m) and Big Brother (also 1.37m). Just as a matter of pure disinterest, can anyone else remember a week in which Big Brother wasn't the highest rated programme on the channel on which it was shown - either Channel Five or previously Channel Four - in a week in which a new episode was broadcast? No, me neither. Anyway, Sky Atlantic's Game Of Thrones was, as usual, the mutichannels most-watched broadcast of the week with 2.02 million viewers, followed by E4's The Big Bang Theory (1.55m). Foyle's War was ITV3's most-watched show with eight hundred and seventy two thousand viewers, ahead of Missomer Murders (seven hundred and sixty three thousand) and Lewis (six hundred and nineteen thousand). BBC4's list was topped by Britain's Deadliest Rail Disaster: Quintinshill (six hundred and twenty four thousand), followed by Eurovision At Sixty five hundred and six thousand), and episodes three and four of the bloody-weird (but, nevertheless, excellent) 1864 (five hundred and thirty thousand and four hundred and ninety five thousand viewers respectively). BBC3's most-watched programme was The Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final (eight hundred and fifty three thousand). ITV4's highest-watched broadcast was She & Buried (three hundred and twenty one thousand). 5USA's The Mysteries Of Laura attracted four hundred and twenty two thousand. Sky Living's best-watched programmes were Elementary (eight hundred and sixteen thousand), Criminal Minds (eight hundred and two thousand) and The Blacklist (seven hundred and eighty eight thousand). Sky 1's The Flash brought in 1.05m. On Dave, repeats of all your old favourites Mock The Week, Would I Lie To You?, Have I Got A Bit More News For You and Qi XL were watched by four hundred and forty four thousand, three hundred and eighty six thousand and three hundred and thirty eight thousand and three hundred and nineteen thousand punters respectively. And, then there was Top Gear. Drama's latest New Tricks repeat was watched by four hundred and fifty four thousand. Watch's Grimm had an audience of four hundred and sixty one thousand. FOX's latest episode of NCIS's series twelve was watched by eight hundred and nine thousand. The second episode of the much-hyped Wayward Pines had one hundred and forty three thousand, more or less exactly the same figure as watched the first episode. On Sky Sports News, Gillette Soccer Special on the final day of the Premier League season drew two hundred and fifty four thousand, considerably down on the usual figures that the show attracts on an average Saturday. Presumably at least some of those missing punters were over on Sky Sports 1 watching yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies just about do enough to avoid relegation. On Discovery History, The Rise Of The Nazi Party pulled in twenty five thousand viewers. Time Team Special had twenty three thousand. CI's A Town & Country Murder attracted forty seven thousand viewers whilst ID's Your Worst Nightmare drew fifty seven thousand. National Geographic's Drain The Titanic was watched by one hundred and fifty one thousand.

The BBC Trust has, satisfyingly, rejected a bunch of whinges about Top Gear's Patagonia special, in which a car number plate caused a reet load of kerfuffle with lots of professional offence-takers. Although, tragically, the Trust seemingly stopped short of telling the whinging whingers who whinged about aspects of the episode to grow the fek up and quit whinging. Which, frankly, some might consider to be a useful opportunity missed. The production team, of course, was forced to flee Argentina following sickening - and, allegedly orchestrated - violence over the use of the registration number H982 FKL. Several whingers claimed that they 'doubted' the number plate was randomly allocated, as though that was anything to do with them in the first place. Their whinges, however, were rejected out of hand by the BBC but were passed to the BBC Trust on appeal. The Trust found there was 'no evidence' of 'a deliberate reference' to the war. The initial complaints, received prior to the programme's broadcast, alleged the connection with the Falklands War 'would have been clear' to the producers and the plates should have been changed. Two whingers also wanted the BBC to apologise to Argentina for any offence caused. They whinged that the decision to broadcast the programme as a Christmas special was 'particularly offensive.'Particularly offensive to whom, they didn't elaborate although, on suspects, with professional offence-takers, such minutia doesn't really matter. A response from the BBC Complaints Management and Editorial Standards Adviser included a blog written by the, now former, executive producer of Top Gear Andy Willman, denying allegations that the number plate had been deliberately chosen by the production team. The whinges were subsequently investigated by the Controller of Entertainment Commissioning who said: 'To date, there is nothing that we have seen or read since the team returned which supports the view that the number plates in question were deliberately employed, which is in-keeping with what production staff and the presenters have said.' As such, the whinges were not upheld before being escalated to the BBC Trust, which is the corporation's governing body. Reviewing the whinges, the Trust's Head of Editorial Standards said they 'did not have a reasonable prospect of success' and proposed not to put them before Trustees. This decision was whinged about by the whingers, who asked for a review. Regarding the whinge about the lack of a BBC apology, Trustees said 'in the absence of any evidence that the choice of number plate was deliberate it was a matter for the Executive as to whether they wished to apologise.' The Trust also agreed that the BBC had been 'open' about its investigation into the whinges and that amounted to 'an explanation' of why the BBC would not be apologising. Not that it had anything to apologise for other than being the victims of professional offence-takers both in Argentina and the UK. The Trustees said that they did not consider that it was 'appropriate or proportionate' to take this matter on appeal because the whingers did not raise any 'matters of substance' and, therefore, this was not a matter in which the Trust would get itself involved.
Michael Gambon will star as Winston Churchill in a new drama for ITV. The actor will lead the cast of the channel's feature-length film Churchill's Secret, which will focus on the late Prime Minister's health problems during his second term in 1953. Gambo will be joined in the film by Lindsay Duncan, who will play Winston's wife, Clemmie. The story will be told from the point of view of the Prime Minister's young nurse, Millie Appleyard, who cared for him after he suffered a life-threatening stroke. The drama is based on Jonathan Smith's recently published book The Churchill Secret: KBO, and will be adapted for the screen by Stewart Harcourt. Charles Sturridge (the man behind the camera of the acclaimed The Road To Coronation Street) will direct the one hundred and twenty-minute film, which will also be shown on PBS in America next year. ITV's Director of Drama, Steve November, said: 'Churchill's Secret is the extraordinary and compelling story of how one of our country's most famous political figures battled back from life-threatening illness to hold on to power. We're delighted to commission Churchill's Secret from Daybreak Pictures and to be working with Michael Gambon as Sir Winston Churchill and Lindsay Duncan as his wife Clemmie.' Filming on Churchill's Secret will begin in June in London and at Churchill's family home in Chartwell.

Mock The Week will celebrate its tenth birthday when it returns for a new series next month. The BBC2 topical comedy panel show will come back for six weeks in June and July for its fourteenth series, before returning again in September and October. Dara O'Briain will serve once again as host, along with regular panellists Hugh Dennis and Andy Parsons. Other comics set to appear in the new series include Ed Byrne, Milton Jones, Zoe Lyons, Katherine Ryan, Josh Widdicombe, Rob Beckett, Sara Pascoe, Romesh Ranganathan, James Acaster, Matt Forde and Ellie Taylor. Topics will include the erection aftermath, the royal baby, American presidential candidates and a summer of sport. Mock The Week débuted on BBC2 on 5 June 2005.
Three further episode of Qi's M series have been filmed in London this week. The first, as ye untitled, eighth episode featured guest appearances by Phill Jupitus and first-timers Cariad Lloyd and Dermot O'Dreary (oh, Christ no). Episode nine, Misconceptions, included Chris Addison, Sue Perkins and another first time guest, Sara Cox, whilst Monsters has panellists Phill Jupitus, Sara Pascoe and Josh Widdicombe. Afurther six episodes are due to be filmed over the next fortnight and series is scheduled for broadcast in the autumn.
Meanwhile as two of BBC2's long-running comedy panels shows continue, time has been called on a third, Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Channel controller Kim Shillinglaw and BBC entertainment controller Mark Linsey have confirmed the end of the show, Broadcast reports. A BBC spokeswoman said: 'After twenty eight series we've decided not to bring Never Mind The Buzzcocks back to the BBC. This will create space for new entertainment formats in the future. We'd like to thank the team at Talkback, Rhod Gilbert, all the brilliant hosts over the years and of course Noel and Phill for the years of enjoyment they've given BBC2 viewers.' The pop music panel quiz was first shown in November 1996 and has run for over two hundred and sixty episodes over twenty eight series. It was hosted by Mark Lamarr for its first seventeen series. Guest presenters fronted the eighteenth run, before Simon Amstell took over hosting duties for four series.
Waste-of-space, full-of-her-own-importance rank gobshite and snooty millionaire that awful Klass woman will 'test out her BBQ expertise' in an upcoming ITV summer series. So, that'll be worth avoiding, then. Man V Food star Adam Richman will feature in BBQ Champ, which sees a team of ten contenders competing against each other to become the ultimate master of the skewer.
Hopefully, someone will jam that sausage in her gob, sideways, and maybe that'll shut the awful woman up. We can but dream, dear blog reader. Dreaming, as Blondie once noted, is free.

Caroline Quentin, Peter Firth and Pauline Collins have all been added to the cast of a new drama based on the characters of Charles Dickens. The twenty-episode series for BBC1 has also cast BAFTA-award winner Stephen Rea. Dickensian brings together some of the writer's most iconic characters as their lives interweave in Nineteenth Century London. Characters from a range of Dickens novels will appear in the drama, including Scrooge, Fagin and Miss Havisham. Rea, who plays Inspector Bucket from Bleak House, said: 'Dickensian is the most beautiful re-working of the world of Dickens that you could ever imagine. The characters take on a fresh life, and any actor would be mad not to accept the challenge these great scripts offer.' Collins, who plays Martin Chuzzlewit's Mrs Gamp, added: 'You don't need to know Dickens' novels to fall in love with the stories we're telling. It's going to be a real treat to watch.' Also featured in the cast for the series will be Tuppence Middleton, Sophie Rundle, Omid Djalili, Anton Lesser, Ned Dennehy, Adrian Rawlins and Tom Weston-Jones. BBC is yet to announce a schedule date for Dickensian.
UKTV Gold has ordered three new original comedies. Henry IX, Marley's Ghosts and Bull will be broadcast on the channel in late 2015 and early 2016. Henry IX will be a three-part series set in the fictitious court of King Henry IX, who finds himself trapped in a life he doesn't want. The series comes from the great Dick Clement and Ian la Frenais, the writing team behind Porridge, The Likely Lads, Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. So that one should, at least, be watchable. Marley's Ghosts, another three-parter, follows a woman with a rare gift of being able to talk to the dead, but things get a bit awkward when both her husband and her lover are added to that list. With hilarious consequences, obviously. Meanwhile, Bull focuses on a man who runs an antiques shop alongside staff he may regret hiring. The series comes from first-time sitcom writers Gareth Gwynn and John-Luke Roberts. Richard Watsham, UKTV's Director of Commissioning, said: 'The first three of our new commissions for Gold offer a fantastic range of different stories and comic styles. Between them they will start to establish a new tone of voice for our originations. We've deliberately targeted scripts that play to Gold viewers' known love of classic British sitcoms but they're also modern, sharply-written pieces which deliver on our promise of high quality, world class comedy.'

Happy Mondays, Scouting For Girls and ex-Busted singer Charlie Simpson are collaborating with tribes around the world for a new, frankly hideous-sounding,TV format. As part of Watch's new documentary series Singing In The Rainforest - even the title is shat - the three acts will compose music in remote areas. The aim of the show is, apparently, to 'get artists to make music with tribes that embodies elements from both of their cultures.' Happy Mondays will write with Embera Drua people of the Upper Chagres River in Panama. You're twisting my melon, man. Charlie Simpson will collaborate with the San Bushmen in Southern Africa. Elsewhere, Scouting For Girls visit the Huli Wigmen in Papua New Guinea.
Miranda Hart has revealed that she will not be hosting a Generation Game reboot any time soon. While Hart revealed that she had spoken to the BBC about such a format, she said that the story had 'got massively blown out of order.' Goodness, the press blowing potential and speculative TV news out of order, whatever next, Miranda fronting the next series of Top Gear?
Jason Manford is heading to Dave with a new crowd-funding series The Money Pit. In this, Jase will serve as ringmaster as members of the public risk their own money to invest in the ideas of hopeful entrepreneurs. Contestants will be able to invest anything from one hundred quid to twenty thousand smackers in return for a stake in the entrepreneur's new company, in a format uncomfortably similar to the BBC's long-running series Dragon's Den. Has nobody got any original ideas in TV any more? The show promises to be 'a tense watch' as investors are free to withdraw their investment and jump ship to another company right until the end of the episode. Manford said: 'I'm inviting all those people with some spare cash that they're thinking of hiding under the mattress, or sticking on the 3.15pm at Haydock Park to join me in The Money Pit instead. It's their chance to invest in real-life entrepreneurs who could make them serious money. Who knows, if they back the right one they might be able to buy a race horse of their own – or a really big mattress!' Or, a really big turnip, whichever is their choice.
The BBC has defended a new reality show pitting unemployed and low-paid workers against each other for a cash prize, which has been accused of echoing film The Hunger Games, arguing it is 'a serious social experiment.' The show, called Britain's Hardest Grafter, is seeking twenty five of Britain’s poorest workers with applications limited to those who earn or receive benefits totalling less than fifteen grand a year. The five-part BBC2 series will pit contestants against each other in a series of jobs and tasks with the 'least effective workers' asked to leave until one is crowned champion. The winner will receive a cash prize of about fifteen grand, the minimum annual wage for workers outside London. The format has been accused - by, you know, the kind of Gruniad Morning Star-reading chebs who enjoy accusing people of stuff - of trying capitalise on the trend of 'poverty porn', established by controversial series such as Channel Four's Benefits Street, with website Graduate Fog - no, me neither - accusing the show of 'feeling distinctly Hunger Games.'Actually, it doesn't sound like that at all or, indeed, anything even remotely like it. In the Hollywood movie, which stars Jennifer Lawrence, contestants are chosen from the poorest districts of a country and compete in a fight to the death until just one survives in a show televised for the amusement of its wealthiest citizens. Britain's Hardest Grafter is being made by production company Twenty Twenty, whose credits include Channel Four's First Dates, and which was previously responsible for Benefits Britain 1949, in which claimants volunteered to live by the rules of the first year of the welfare state. Twenty Twenty has posted advertisements calling for participants who are willing to 'prove their worth' to 'potentially walk away with a cash prize'. And, lose whatever smidgen of dignity they previously had, it would appear. The BBC originally announced it intended to make the show, also referred to as Britain’s Hardest Worker, in January with promotional material explaining that 'contestants are all there for one reason: to make money.' It explained that contestants would work in jobs that will 'take place both out in the workplace and within the confines of a specially created factory, a warehouse space transformed to cover the UK's largest blue collar sectors.' BBC2 controller Kim Shillinglaw said at the time that the show would look at 'the low wage economy'. 'Britain's Hardest Grafter is a serious social experiment for BBC2 which investigates just how hard people in the low wage economy work,' said the BBC and Twenty Twenty in a joint statement. 'Each week the contributors – who are all in work or actively looking – will experience a different blue collar role as the series explores the truth about Britain's work ethic. Throughout the series, the contributors are rewarded for the work they do.' The BBC pointed out that the show has not been made as an 'entertainment' format but has come from Clive Edwards, head of commissioning for current affairs. The corporation says that the series will 'tackle some of the most pressing issues of our time' including why British productivity is so low, is the benefits system providing many with a reason not to work, do immigrants work harder and have the young really not got the work ethic of their parents.

'Senior figures in broadcasting' have criticised proposals to introduce counter-extremism powers allowing the vetting of British television programmes before transmission as impractical and unjustified according to some pipsqueak of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star. A 'government plan' to 'strengthen the role of media regulator Ofcom' to take 'tough measures against channels that broadcast extremist content' was outlined in The Queen's Speech last week. That followed an initial suggestion by the Home Secretary, James May's sister, to give Ofcom 'unprecedented powers' to take 'pre-emptive action' against broadcasters - up to and included 'a damned good hiding' - which was subsequently criticised by her cabinet colleague the (former) vile and odious rascal Javid who warned it would turn the regulator 'into a state censor.' Michael Grade, the former chairman of the BBC and chief executive of ITV and Channel Four, and a Tory peer, said: 'I would be very suspicious of ex-ante powers of publication being given to a regulator or anyone. The old Hugh Cudlipp dictum of "publish and be damned" still holds forth. You would have to see the details of any proposal but I think it would be very difficult to justify.' Ofcom already has strict rules forbidding the broadcast of 'harmful extremist material' and 'hate speech'. It takes robust action when rules are broken, from fines to revoking broadcasters' licences. But all of its regulatory powers are post-transmission. James May's sister's plan, revealed in a pre-erection document outlining an extremism strategy for 'a stronger Britain' - and, unlimited rice pudding, probably - would give Ofcom the power to approve programmes before transmission, a fundamental shift. Roger Mosey, the BBC's former editorial director who edited Radio 4's Today, said: 'I think it's completely impractical, unless you are given a list of banned people who aren't allowed on your programme. There are difficulties sometimes in deciding what is extremism and what is not. Hard line religious conservatism is one thing, inciting terrorist violence another. I'm not sure politicians are the best to judge which is which.' An internal BBC seminar a few years ago asked the question whether the media would run, if offered, an interview with Osama Bin Laden, who was then still a live. 'Would you take it? Actually you would,' said Mosey. 'Broadcasters should have the right to do it, as long as it is properly contextualised and challenged. It is in the public interest to find out what extremists think.' It remains to be seen what shape Ofcom's new proposed powers would take and how effective they would be. Oily David Cameron said last week that the government's extremism proposals were 'extremely sensible.'He added: 'Ofcom has got a role to make sure that we don't broadcast extremist messages through our media.' Section three of the regulator's Broadcasting Code says that TV and radio services must not include material 'likely to encourage or incite crime or to lead to disorder.' Whilst there have been a number of breaches in recent years, Ofcom has deemed only a handful serious enough to warrant a sanction. Birmingham-based Noor TV was fined eighty five grand in 2013 after a presenter said that it was a 'duty' for Muslims to murder anyone who insulted the prophet Muhammad. Ofcom signed a memorandum of understanding with the government last year, detailing how it shared information and its responsibilities to identify and investigate extremism. But the most extreme sectarian hate speech comes from broadcasters outside of Ofcom's remit, based in Iraq, Syria or Egypt, without a TV platform in the UK but whose content is easily distributed online. Diane Coyle, the former vice-chair of the BBC Trust, said: 'If there is a problem anywhere it is a problem with social media. The idea a public body like Ofcom should be pre-vetting broadcast material is wrong in principle and wouldn't work in practice. I don't think it is a good idea at all.' James May's sister was critical of BBC2's Newsnight interview with the radical Islamist activist Anjem Choudary following the murder of Lee Rigby in Woolwich two years ago, saying that the government 'had to look at' the role of Ofcom in relation to 'what is being beamed into people's homes.' So, as you've probably guessed, according to the Tories, it's all the BBC's fault. Why is this blogger not surprised? Pre-vetting has echoes of Margaret Thatcher's 1980s tactic of trying to starve Irish Republicanism of 'the oxygen of publicity' which ended with Gerry Adams and other Sinn Féin spokespeople having their voices dubbed by actors whenever they appeared on TV. A damn silly conceit memorably parodied by Iannucci's The Day Today at the time, with a Sinn Féin spokesman forces of inhale helium under broadcasting rules 'to subtract credibility from his statements.' Stephen Whittle, the former controller of BBC editorial policy and ex-director of Ofcom forerunner the Broadcasting Standards Commission, said: 'Powers to vet or prevent broadcasts went away with the Independent Broadcasting Authority more than twenty five years ago. The proposal to give Ofcom such a power is a step back in time which undermines the commitment to freedom of expression enshrined in the Communications Act and the Human Rights Act. The criminal law already covers incitement to hatred when that freedom is abused. There are certainly challenges that arise from the expression of extremism but they are better dealt with by debate and discussion and the existing law.'

The BBC has been ordered to investigate the system for sending out letters enforcing the TV licence fee, after a viewer who had paid the charge received 'threatening' warnings. Its management was told to 'look into' how TV Licensing, the body responsible for collecting and enforcing the annual fee, sends out the warnings after the BBC Trust upheld a complaint that a member of the public was 'wrongly threatened with referral' to a debt collection agency. The BBC Trust initially rejected the complaint after receiving assurances from TV Licensing that it had made 'recent improvements' to the way it monitors a customers' payment history and that there had been 'significant revisions' to the reminder letters. However, following the initial decision the complainant received yet another letter - and a phone call - from an agent, about a debt collection agency being brought in. 'It was not, in principle, acceptable for a fully licensed member of the public to be sent a letter warning of referral to a debt collection agency,' the BBC Trust's complaints and appeals board said. 'The BBC executive will be asked to investigate how its system may be changed to prevent such warning letters being sent to licensed members of the public.' A spokeswoman for TV Licensing said that there were 'specific circumstances' that resulted in the debt collection letter being sent in error. 'The initial complaint had already been addressed by a review of these letters, which were changed in 2014,' she said. 'The complainant later set up a new licence whilst their previous licence was still valid. When they missed their cash payments, letters advised they might be referred to debt collection. This would only happen in a tiny number of cases. We can confirm we will examine these letters.' The BBC Trust also upheld a complaint from another member of the public who said that they were 'unfairly treated' when trying to prove they were legally exempt from paying the licence fee. The complainant said that TV Licensing had taken an inordinate amount of time to grant what is termed 'no licence needed' status to the property. 'The panel agreed that both the misinformation and the length of time it took to correct were unacceptable,' the BBC Trust said.
A Sun reporter has been given an eighteen-month suspended prison sentence after being found guilty of paying for tip-offs from an anti-terrorism officer. Anthony France, from Watford, was found extremely guilty of aiding and abetting PC Timothy Edwards to commit misconduct in a public office. France had followed 'an accepted procedure' at the Sun of paying for stories, Judge Timothy Pontius said. During the trial, a jury at London's Old Bailey heard how France had a 'corrupt relationship' with Edwards - a Heathrow Airport officer - for more than three years. Edwards sold thirty eight stories and tip-offs to France between March 2008 and July 2011 in exchange for more than twenty two thousand smackers. Judge Pontius sentenced the reporter to eighteen months in prison, suspended for two years, and to two hundred hours of community service. He described France as a journalist of 'hitherto unblemished character' who was 'essentially a decent man of solid integrity.' Judge Pontius said that some of the articles which resulted from payments were 'very much in the public interest', including stories about drunken airline pilots and drug smuggling. However, others were 'plainly chosen and published for their obviously salacious subject matter', he added. Payments by France had followed 'an accepted procedure that doubtless had existed for some time' at the Sun, the judge said. Transactions went through 'an established procedure', he added, saying it was 'not a case' of France handing over a 'grubby envelope' in a dark corner of a pub. 'If there was a wrong culture, as clearly the jury found, it is not one of Mr France's making. It was inevitably created by others for their benefit and sustained by others for their benefit,' Judge Pontius said. France - who denied the charge - told jurors that he had never been 'advised' by anyone at the Sun that speaking to a police officer or a public official might be against the law. Edwards - who pleaded very guilty to misconduct in a public office - was jailed for two years in 2014.

The late Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch has gone up for sale with a price tag of one hundred million dollars, reports the Wall Street Journal. The Santa Barbara development was once home to a zoo, an amusement park and its own fire station. Much of this has gone but there is still a floral clock and a railway. Jackson bought the house in 1987 for nineteen million bucks but struggled to pay for it, until an investment company stepped in to help him save it from auction. The property is now called Sycamore Valley Ranch and has undergone extensive redevelopment since Jackson's death in 2009. The two thousand eight hundred acre site, at 5225 Figueroa Mountain Road, is now being sold jointly by Sotheby's and Hilton & Hyland. The estate agents have warned off fans hoping to get a glimpse inside the piece of Jackson history, telling the Wall Street Journal that anyone wanting to view the property would be subject to 'extensive prequalification.' In other words, 'bring a suitcase full of wonga with you, we don't let just anyone in here, you know.''We're not going to be giving tours,' said Suzanne Perkins of Sotheby's International Realty. Jackson bought Neverland intending to create 'a fantasy land for children' absolutely none of whom he intended to molest, obviously. Oh no, very hot water. It was named after the island in the Peter Pan, where children never grow up. After he bought it and moved into the property, Jackson built a zoo and fairground but it was closed to the public in 2006 after he failed to pay his staff or maintain proper insurance.

Blur, Liam Gallagher and Years & Years (no, me neither) are some of the guests lined-up for next month's TFI Friday special. The one-off episode to celebrate the show's twenty year anniversary will also feature appearances by yer actual Roger Daltrey, Mani, Ian Broudie, Zak Starkey and Rudimental. The special will include one or two 'blasts from the past' - such as Freak or Unique, Ugly Bloke and Fat Lookalikes - as well as the introduction of new features. 'I can't believe it's been almost twenty years since the first episode of TFI, and I'm thrilled to be bringing the show to a whole new generation who have never experienced the wonders of "Baby Left Baby Right" or "It's Your Letters",' Chris Evans recently said. The original show ran for six series between 1996 and 2000. TFI Friday's live special will be shown on Friday 12 June at 9pm on Channel Four.
Yer actual Pussy Galore hr very self is to be reunited with James Bond in the spy's latest literary outing. Ian Fleming's famous leading lady from Goldfinger is back in Anthony Horowitz's new Bond novel, Trigger Mortis. The bestselling author has revealed his new 007 adventure begins in 1957, two weeks after the end of Fleming's original novel Goldfinger. The book, which is due out on 8 September, is set against the backdrop of the Soviet-American space race. As well as Pussy - famously played by yer actual Honor Blackman in 1964's Goldfinger movie - the novel features a new Bond girl called Jeopardy Lane and Jai Seung Sin, 'a sadistic, scheming Korean adversary.'Trigger Mortis will begin with an original Fleming idea - a motor racing scene written by Fleming for an unmade James Bond TV series. Horowitz said: 'It was always my intention to go back to the true Bond, which is to say, the Bond that Fleming created and it was a fantastic bonus having some original, unseen material from the master to launch my story.' He went on: 'I was so glad that I was allowed to set the book two weeks after my favourite Bond novel, Goldfinger, and I'm delighted that Pussy Galore is back. It was great fun revisiting the most famous Bond girl of all - although she is by no means the only dangerous lady in Trigger Mortis. I hope fans enjoy it. My aim was to make this the most authentic James Bond novel anyone could have written.' William Boyd, Jeffery Deaver and Sebastian Faulks are among the authors in recent years to have written officially-sanctioned books since Fleming's death in 1964. Fleming's niece, the actress Lucy Fleming, said: 'Anthony has written a James Bond book with a nail-biting adventure that could have come from Ian's own typewriter.' Ajay Chowdhury, from the James Bond International Fan Club, said that news of the novel was 'a gift' for fans of 007. 'Bond fans will be excited for a number of reasons,' he said. 'Firstly, the title is evocative of the clever-yet deadly-Fleming play on words. Secondly, with its use of previous Fleming notes and Pussy Galore. The novel promises to be rich in period detail and action and stay true to the original spirit of the classic novels.' Horowitz's prolific output includes the teen spy series, Alex Rider, which has sold more than nineteen million copies. He has written two official Sherlock Holmes novels - The House Of Silk and Moriarty - and as a TV screenwriter he created Midsomer Murders, Foyle's War and Crime Traveller. Though, to be fair, he has served his debt to society for the latter.

As many on social media have been quick to point out, The Simpsons uncannily forecast this week's series of FIFA fiascoes in an episode broadcast in March 2014. Springfield's finest were visited in the episode by a representative from world football's governing body who, shortly before being handcuffed by the FBI, called for Homer - 'a symbol of integrity' - to referee at the World Cup.
The man who, despite everything, is still FIFA's president, Sepp Blatter, has condemned what he described as a 'hate campaign' against football's world governing body by European officials. And, he said that he was 'shocked' and 'stunned' by the comments of US prosecutors following the arrests of FIFA officials under an American anti-corruption warrant. The seventy nine-year-old Teflon-coated Swiss was re-elected on Friday at a FIFA congress in Zurich. After which, as yer actual Gary Lineker noted, he 'sat back and stroked his cat.' European football governing body UEFA's president Michel Platini had urged Blatter to step down ahead of the vote. Blatter's rival, Prince Ali bin al-Hussein of Jordan, forced a second round of voting on Friday but then withdrew. Blatter won one hundred and thirty three votes to Prince Ali's seventy three in the first round, just short of the one hundred and forty votes needed for an outright win. On Wednesday, US prosecutors indicted fourteen FIFA officials and associates, with seven arrested in a dawn raid at an upmarket hotel in Zurich. They are accused of bribery, racketeering and money-laundering involving tens of millions of dollars since 1991. Meanwhile, Swiss authorities have launched a separate criminal investigation into the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar. Spelling out details of the US case earlier this week, Attorney General Loretta Lynch said: 'They corrupted the business of worldwide soccer to serve their interests and to enrich themselves.' Ahead of Blatter's comments on Saturday, US tax official Richard Weber told the New York Times he was 'fairly confident that we will have another round of indictments' coming soon. But, in an uncompromising interview with Swiss television station RTS, Blatter said that he suspected the arrests were an attempt to 'interfere with the congress' at which he was re-elected. 'I am not certain, but it doesn't smell good,' he said. Which, for someone with a nose for trouble as frequently inactive as Blatter really is saying something. He noted that the US had lost out in the bidding for the 2022 World Cup to Qatar while England, another major critic, had lost out to Russia for the right to hold the 2018 World Cup - and that the US was the 'number-one sponsor' of the state of Jordan, the homeland of defeated challenger for the FIFA presidency. He also condemned the comments made by Lynch and other US prosecutors, one of whom referred to a 'World Cup of fraud.' Blatter said: 'Of course I am shocked. I would never as FIFA president make comments about another organisation without being certain of what has happened.' Blatter was widely supported in Africa and Asia, and his re-election was welcomed by the hosts of the next World Cup, Russia. UEF had backed Prince Ali, with Platini describing his candidacy as 'a movement for change at FIFA.' In an apparent reference to Platini's call for him to resign, Blatter said: 'It is a hate that comes not just from a person at UEFA, it comes from the UEFA organisation that cannot understand that in 1998 I became president.' Asked whether he would forgive Platini for the calling on him to step down, Blatter said: 'I forgive everyone, but I do not forget.' European football associations will meet at next week's Champions League final in Berlin to discuss their next move. 'We have to see how best we can use the European muscle,' Irish FA president John Delaney told RTE News. Europe's seat at the next meeting of FIFA's powerful executive committee is expected to be empty, as newly appointed representative David Gill had said before Friday's vote that he would resign if Blatter was re-elected. England's FA chairman Greg Dyke said that he would consider a boycott of the World Cup if joined by other European nations. 'This is not over by any means. To quote the [US] attorney general this is the beginning of the process not the end,' Dyke said. Meanwhile, Jesper Moller of Denmark's FA told reporters: 'Blatter is too involved in all the allegations of corruption that have taken up much of his time as president. But we must, of course, respect the democratic vote.' A number of FIFA sponsors - Coca-Cola, Kia, Adidas and Visa - have made known their 'concerns' about what is happening at FIFA, with the latter particularly vociferous, warning that unless the global governing body makes 'changes now', it would 'reassess our sponsorship'. And McDonald's said it 'takes matters of ethics and corruption very seriously and the news from the US Department of Justice is extremely concerning. We are in contact with FIFA on this matter. We will continue to monitor the situation very closely.' Sony decided not to renew its contract last year - it had been a FIFA partner since 2007.

The Oscar and BAFTA-winning costume designer Julie Harris who designed clothes for The Be-Atles and Sir Roger Moore's James Bond has died in London, aged ninety four. Julie died in hospital after a brief illness from a chest infection, a close friend confirmed. Harris designed clothes worn by The Be-Atles (a popular beat-combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) in the films A Hard Day's Night and Help! and by Sir Roge in his first James Bond film, Live & Let Die. She won an Oscar in 1966 for the Julie Christie film Darling. Her BAFTA came the following year for her work on The Wrong Box. Julie's many other credits included the James Bond spoof Casino Royale, Carry On Cleo and 1981's The Great Muppet Caper. In 1965, after working with The Be-Atles, she said: 'I must be one of the few people who can claim they have seen John, Paul, George and Ringo naked.'Well, apart from their mothers, obviously. 'Julie worked with some of the greatest international stars in the history of the cinema, and for some of its most legendary directors and producers,' said her friend Jo Botting. It was Botting, a senior curator at the British Film Institute National Archive, who confirmed Harris's death at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital on Saturday. 'Her outstanding work was constantly nominated for awards,' Botting continued, remembering Julie as 'an amazing woman.' Born in London in 1921, Julie began her career in 1947 at Gainsborough Pictures with Holiday Camp, the forerunner of the Huggett family film series. She worked steadily on feature films throughout the next three decades, hitting her stride in the 1960s, before shifting her attention to television movies until her retirement in 1991. Harris's other BAFTA nominations came for her work on the horror film Psyche Fifty Nine, Help!, Casino Royale and The Slipper & The Rose. Her CV also included work on The Story Of Esther Costello, Good-Time Girl, The Body Said No!, The Greengage Summer, The Chalk Garden, The Whisperers, Deadfall, The Private Life Of Sherlock Holmes, Rollerball, The Land That Time Forgot, Dracula and the TV movies The Sign Of Four, The Kingfisher, A Hazard Of Hearts and A Perfect Hero. Speaking in 2010, Julie recalled working with such Hollywood legends as Jayne Mansfield - an actress, she said, who had been blessed with 'quite a figure. She came to a fitting one day in her mink coat with only her underclothes underneath,' she told an audience at the Cinema Museum in London.

Now, one from the files; here's a very nice interview the young Fraser Hines gave to Radio Times circa 1967.
By the way, in case you were wondering, when it says 'Fraser talks to Gay Search', that was the name of a Radio Times journalist of the late 1960s and not an, ahem, 'gentleman's specialist publication.' Obviously.

And, here's a very interesting interview with yer actual Keith Telly Topping's old mucker Paul Cornell and his artist chum Tony Parker about their new comic for Dark Horse, The Damned Band (available from all good comic shops, and some bad ones, now).
Earlier this week, dear blog reader, this blogger received a perfectly extraordinary e-mail - from a dear blog reader in Nigeria - asking that From The North feature 'more pictures of massive tits.' What could yer actual Keith Telly Topping do after such a plea but comply?
At last, dear blog reader, something which the Catholic church and yer actual Keith Telly Topping can agree upon. It's always nice when that happens, isn't it?
If we lived in a parallel universe and Ron and Russell from Sparks presented a programme on FOX News, this blogger might actually watch it.
Now, here's something for all those bores who constantly bang on about how totally mad-brilliant the 1970s were.
Ah, whatever did happen to Colin Crompton after he left N.W.A? Answers on a postcard, dear blog reader. And there's also Duggie Brown! Ah, all those unhappy memories of Take My Wife (with Lis Sladen). Possibly the single worst sitcom in the history of bad ITV sitcoms.

Anyway, for the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, fancy a bit of hot, bangin' electro-pop? Yeah, me too. However, you'll just have to make do with The Grand Dame her very self and The Petties instead. And, why not?

Doctor Who fans will be able to meet yer actual Peter Capaldi later this year at a special event. The Official Doctor Who Festival 2015 will feature appearances from the current Doctor and showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, and will take place at the ExCeL in London on 13, 14 and 15 November. Tickets for the festival will go on sale on Friday at 10am, with a standard ticket costing an absolute packet. Children can go for slightly cheaper - but only slightly, whilst family tickets cost an arm and a leg. 'Special TARDIS tickets' will also come with a brochure, lounge access, front block theatre show seats and a Doctor Who goody bag. Don't even ask how much they'll cost, dear blog reader, when you find out, trust me you will crap in your own pants. Fans will get a closer look at the show's latest monsters, as well as exploring the sets and props of series eight and nine. The festival will include backstage areas with theatre shows, interactive workshops, shops and photo opportunities with the cast and crew. Yer actual Capaldi said: 'If having the world's favourite Time Lord back on screen every week isn't enough for you (and it's not for me) then The Doctor Who Festival in London is the place to be. I'll be heading there in November to join the fun and if it's anything like the fiftieth anniversary event, then prepare yourself for total Time Lord mania.' The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat added: 'I can't believe we're going to give away our secrets! This is the closest you could possibly get to finding out what happens on set and how this magical show is put together.'
During Sherlocked: The Official Sherlock Convention, which took place in April at The Excel in London, panels with cast and crew members over the two day event discussed many of the finer points of their characters and work on the series. But, none revealed more than co-creator The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat in a revelation which appeared to be news even to his wife and series producer, Sue Vertue, that he had written an extra scene recently for A Scandal In Belgravia. The opening episode from series two, which was filming in August 2011 and originally broadcast in the UK on New Years Day 2012 was based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's short story A Scandal In Bohemia and featured Irene Adler. In Doyle's version, Holmes is employed by the King of Bohemia to retrieve an incriminating photo of himself and Adler, but despite Holmes' disguises and intricate plans to locate the photograph he is eventually bested by Adler who not only escapes, but bids him farewell while dressed incognito in men's attire without Holmes even realising until it is too late. The Sherlock version, written by yer man Moffat, sees Adler play the game admirably with Sherlock before eventually being trumped, and the scandalous photograph of herself and a female member of the British monarchy, stored on a camera phone (along with lots of other naughty stuff), is confiscated by Mycroft Holmes, which ultimately leads to Adler being captured and sentenced to beheading in Karachi by terrorists. Although Moffat did include Lara Pulver's Irene Adler telling Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock, 'This is how I want you to remember me. The woman who beat you', after physically beating him with her riding crop, the episode came under criticism - most from Gruniad-reading whinging hippy Communists, admittedly - as unbeknown to John Watson and Mycroft, Sherlock did, indeed, come to Adler's rescue and save her from execution. Thus, it would appear that Irene never 'beat' Sherlock at his own game as she did in Doyle's original. However, this recent revelation shows that yer man Moffat had other intentions entirely and it has be the subject of wild speculation as to exactly what the pair got up to that night after he rescued her. In fact, even Benny his very self voiced his opinion on the subject to an audience during a sold out panel at the Cheltenham Literary Festival in October, 2012, 'Well, you say he was beaten by her, but do you know what they got up to in Islamabad? Because I do. There was no beating. It was all very loving.' Some people,who've clearly been thinking about this minor plot point far too much, have even suggested that Sherlock never visited Karachi at all and the flashback scene which was featured at the end of A Scandal In Belgravia was nothing more than a fantasy played out in Sherlock's Mind Palace. So what's the truth? Over to you, Steven Moffat: 'The scene does not take place in Sherlock's Mind Palace, nor could it,' Steven confirmed.'He's been told a lie about where Irene Adler is [by Watson], so he wouldn't have fantasied saving her from a terrorist cell, he had no reason to have to. No, he really does go and save her. Because, if you remember earlier on in the story, Irene says, "I make my way in the world, and my trick is I get people to be exactly where I want them, when I want them there. That's my super power. That's what I do." Sherlock a few scenes later says, "I'm the one guy you can't put a collar on" [but] at the very end, yep, he turns up dressed as an Arabian Knight and hacks up some terrorists, and Irene's sitting there going, "Oh yes! Talk to me, momma!"' Steven went on to explain that he wrote a further scene of what happens after they escape during the time he was writing His Last Vow, the final episode in series three. 'I actually wrote a scene about what happened afterwards, because I got so curious about it. I had Sherlock turning around after he had hacked up all the terrorists, still very cross, and saying, "I hope you don't think that this means I am in any way interested in you?" And Irene's already got a gun on him - as she picks up a gun from the floor - and says, "No, but I am going to need male costume to get out of here." And so, Sherlock is left naked and Irene runs off dressed as him. That's what I think would happen next. I only wrote it not that long ago, I just got so curious,' Steven admitted. 'It's not so much about what they did that night, it's what they said to each other. You can imagine him [being] so pissed off, because he lost again. Some people say he won; he lost, because he admitted he cared. Having hacked up terrorists with bodies all over the floor, him covered in blood, and he's trying to retain his dignity, saying, "I was passing and it was a night I thought I'd hack up some terrorists. Oh, you're here, I didn't know. I don't even like you. Don't pull a gun on me." [To which Irene replies] "Strip!" [Sherlock] "It's not fair. I saved your life!" Something like that happens between Irene and Sherlock every six months and that is their idea of a night of passion.' Which,of course, only leaves one question; could we, perhaps, see one of these bi-annual 'besting' sessions during series four, Steven? Much appreciated.
Vicious returned to ITV with its overnight audience a fraction up on its first series finale, according to overnight figures for Monday. Sirs Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi's camp-as-a-row-of-tents sitcom - which some people reportedly quite like but which this blogger thinks is a pile of stinking diarrhoea, personally - attracted 2.99m at 9pm. The final episode of the sitcom's first series one brought in an overnight audience of 2.77m in June 2013. Earlier, Johnny Kingdom's Wild Exmoor interested 2.72m at 8pm, while Off Their Rockers drew but 1.77m at 9.30pm on what was, overall, a pretty wretched night fr all channels, soaps aside. BBC1's Panorama was seen by 2.23m at 8.30pm, while Rome's Invisible City gathered 4.37m at 9pm to be, by a considerable distance, the most watched programme of the night outside soaps. Meanwhile, Sky Atlantic's Game of Thrones was watched by one million punters at 9pm. BBC2's Antiques Road Trip brought in 1.36m at 7pm, before Springwatch averaged 2.55m at 8pm, and Outbreak: The Truth About Ebola had eight hundred and eighty thousand viewers at 9pm. Episodes followed with seven hundred and twenty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Four, Dispatches had an audience of one million at 8pm while Gadget Man was watched by nine hundred and twenty thousand at 8.30pm. The latest episode of Benefits Street had 1.86m at 9pm and Man Down gathered nine hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. Inside Manchester's Midland Hotel was watched by nine hundred and ninety two thousand on Channel Five at 9pm, while Big Brother continued with 1.03m at 10pm.

Long Lost Family's return proved to be a modest overnight ratings hit for ITV on Wednesday. The Davina McCall-fronted series brought in 4.21m punters at 9pm. Earlier, The Cube attracted 3.07m at 8pm. On BBC1, DIY SOS: The Big Build interested 3.84m at 8pm, while Catch Me If You Can was seen by but 1.68m at 9pm. BBC2's Antiques Road Trip averaged nine hundred and forty thousand at 7pm, before Springwatch continued with 1.94m at 8pm and Modern Times was watched by six hundred and eighty thousand at 9.30pm. Newsnight followed with six hundred and fifty thousand at 10.30pm. On Channel Four, The Auction House had an audience of nine hundred and ninety thousand at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours in A&E had 1.75m at 9pm. The Job Centre was watched by six hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Caught On Camera was seen by eight hundred and eighteen thousand at 9pm and Big Brother continued with one million viewers at 10pm. E4's US imports Jane The Virgin and Nashville brought in two hundred and eleven thousand and one hundred and eighty six thousand viewers respectively. Meanwhile, the final series of Sky1's Strike Back started with four hundred and twenty four thousand at 9pm.

This blogger is not the greatest fan of those endless bloody Buzzfeed 'lists of things that you could give a shit about'-type thingys, dear blog reader. Having said that, however, Twenty Five Times The West Wing Was The Best Show On Goddamn Television is a notable exception. (Or, actually, if we're being accurate about this, twenty four moments plus The Women Of Qumar.)
Reviving classic children's shows is all the rage at the moment, with Paddington, Thunderbirds, The Teletubbies and The Wombles all given a new lease of life in one form or another. Next up is Clangers, the show about pink, knitted, mouse-like whistling aliens created in 1969 by Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin. But fans of the gentle, surreal series can rest assured the Clangers have not been given a CGI makeover or modernised for their new CBeebies series which begin later this month. As its narrator Michael Palin explains: 'I'm very glad that they didn't make major changes to The Clangers [sic] because it's a lovely formula that works. I think part of what makes it work is that in some ways it's mundane – they use sort of tin-lids and elastic bands and all sorts of things to make stuff and I like that. I think that's encouraging children to think for themselves, not press a button and have it all done for them sort of digitally. There's definitely an element of the old technology to the Clangers' planet and the Clangers themselves. That appeals to me greatly. I loved watching The Clangers [sic] with our children,' Palin recalls. 'It calmed everything down and I think possibly these days when everything is such a rush and there are so many demands on our time, "Do this, do that, get that done, know about this, find out about that."The Clangers [sic] will be a little oasis of calm and that's what is so appealing.' Palin adds: 'I find the Clangers' world not only calming but therapeutic. There's a Zen dimension to it. For anyone who says things are getting on top of them I'd say, "Don’t spend thousands on a spa, just spend a weekend on the Blue Planet!"' The original series' twenty six episodes were narrated by Postgate – who died in 2008 – and Palin, who has not voiced a regular children's TV series before, said it was 'an honour' to be asked to take on the role and even his own children were impressed. 'I decided to do it without a second thought because The Clangers [sic] is special, there's nothing quite like that little world that was created by Postgate and Firmin all those years ago. I remember watching with my children and finding it just wonderfully peaceful with a little bit of wicked mischief to it throughout which was a very nice combination. To me it's one of the great classics, it's like being asked to be Biggles or something like that. I was honoured to be asked.' Jo Chalkley, one of the animators working on the series, came back into stop-frame animation from working on Lego computer games because of her fond memories of Clangers. She was relieved to find out they are, 'not wearing baseball hats and texting. It's like the original – it's just lovely.' Palins adds: 'The whole idea was to keep it as close to the original in the sense of the design and look of the planet', with the series filmed in the same twelve movements per second. 'They've made a new set of puppets that move cleverly [and] are quite complex creatures so you can get more movement out of them. But the sounds they make are the same, the people in their world are pretty much the same. The scripts are all freshly written but in the spirit of the old stories. So it's very much like picking it up where it left off and I quite like that as one of the great things for me about the Clangers is they seem to be completely timeless, they'll always be there, leading their lives and trying to get by day-by-day with their little problems that occur. There's a lovely feeling of permanence that's rather reassuring.'Postgate's son, Dan, who has written some of the scripts, said that when co-producers Coolabi and the BBC first talked with his family's company, Smallfilms, about reviving Clangers, 'I thought there might be a desire to speed things up and make things a bit more sugary, quick cutting and fast stories.' But, he was relieved when they said, 'no we don't want to do that, we want to keep that sort of nice mellow, gentle approach to it.''To do the new series it was naturally going to be something unknown, so many more people were involved, but I think it's come together fantastically well and have been delighted with the way it's turned out. I think we've kept all the ethos and values of the original and added it to it. I couldn't be more happy really.' Like Aidan Turner when he was chosen to play Ross Poldark, Postgate says that he felt 'a huge responsibility' to fans of the original series of Clangers. And to his father: 'I don't want to be the one where everybody goes, "Oh God what has his son done!"' All the Clangers now have an individual whistle – ranging from a small wooden one for Tiny to a large 1930s Bakelite model for Granny – so that children can differentiate between them more easily. With the help of Firmin, the show's makers, stop-frame company Factory, and puppet makers Mackinnon and Saunders have also created some new elements, which Firmin had already dreamed up but not had the resources to make before, such as Mother Clanger's garden and Major Clanger's workshop. As they have been asked to make fifty two eleven-minute episodes, the team have scaled up production with nine sets and around thirty five puppets so the six animators can work on episodes in parallel. The attention to detail is extraordinary. Hundreds of tiny working props, ranging from shears to radios have been created. The team even bought up the entire dye batch of a colour of wool called Old Rose to ensure repairs to the puppets during filming and in future would be done in exactly the same colour. 'You've got to make sure the puppets are robust and under HD you can see every flaw,' says Factory's managing director, Phil Chalk. Six knitters worked full time to make the pink skins which surround the sophisticated, mechanical inner workings of the Clangers, using three kilometres of wool. The skins were based – with a few tweaks – on the original pattern created by Firmin's wife in the 1960s and which will be available on the CBeebies’ Pinterest page. Although a certain amount of new technology is used, as with the painting out of the little rigs used to hold the Clangers to make them move, the stars in the background are made in the same way as in the originals – by drilling holes in the back of the set so light shines through. Familiar characters such as the Soup Dragon and the Iron Chicken remain, plus the music trees. Music – by long-time Monty Python's Flying Circus collaborator John du Prez – plays an even bigger part than before, with the whole score pitched in-line with the Clangers' whistles. CBeebies executive producer Jackie Edwards says: 'That's the beautiful thing about it, the programme is so rich because every single element has been thought through. It's a proper labour of love.' Dan Maddicott, the series producer for Coolabi who also plays the Clangers' whistles, adds: 'I've worked on a lot of programmes and this is really a happy series, everyone working on it almost feels privileged to work on it.' Chalk explains: 'A lot of the animators were inspired to get involved in stop-frame animation by The Clangers [sic]. So, to be part of the re-imagining is something else.' Were they tempted to use CGI? 'We would never have got the rights,' says Maddicott. 'It took a lot of discussion, not to persuade Peter and Dan but to be clear that we were going to do it properly. They would never have agreed to one mention of CGI.' Edwards adds: 'We wouldn't have bought it.' Chalk says: 'We have to be mindful of the target audience. This isn't a vanity project, we're trying to reintroduce a heritage brand to a CBeebies audience. It's got to be authentic because that audience have no preconceptions of what the Clangers are or where they live – it's completely brand new.' But with the 'heart and tone' of the original, explains Edwards. In the 1970s Clangers was not well known outside of the UK, mostly because it did not need additional funding. The TV market is very different now and the show has been pre-sold abroad, including funding from NBC company Sprout, to broadcasters including Australia's ABC network. It can travel easily as the different territories can add their own narrator. William Shatner is doing the US version – an inspired choice. Is Clangers' comeback part of a rekindled love affair with space, due to recent exploration programmes, or part of a wider trend for nostalgia on-screen? Palin says space is 'always fascinating for children', particularly now with pictures being sent from other planets, but also it could be just that the series 'were well done and they're much-loved. Around The Clangers' [sic] time was a golden age of children's television and that's been revisited possibly by the children who grew up then and remember it fondly and are now in a position to produce them or bring them back.' They may well have the chance with another, Ivor The Engine, as Dan Postgate reveals he 'might be able to so something' with the 1950s and 70s series about a Welsh steam locomotive, perhaps as live action, rather than animation. 'There are new techniques and ways of doing things that make the possibility there. I think there's a certain dramatic quality to Ivor The Engine. My dad was a big fan of Dylan Thomas and Under Milk Wood and I've got this sort of idea of looking at Wales in a quite mystical sort of way. I think there's something quite nice that could be looked at and expanded upon with all the eccentric characters involved. But not necessarily for children. Maybe something that could be for everybody. That interests me quite a lot. I was listening to Cerys Matthews signing the other day and I thought she'd be really good as Idris.' But, what about the urban myth that the original series of Clangers contained some - mild - swearing? Firmin clears that one up: 'I wish journalists would take time to look at the script which is reproduced in The Art Of Smallfilms, page one hundred and forty six. The line that has led to that myth is: "Oh, dammit. The B-thing's stuck again!" There was never another line like that and will never be. And it was whistled!'

An, alleged, 'top BBC source' - an anonymous, and therefore, probably fictitious one at that - has allegedly told the Independent that the corporation is planning to copy the format of Have I Got News For You, which responded to the sacking of Angus Deayton in 2002 by never actually replacing him, instead relying on a revolving door of guest hosts which changed for each episode. The corporation believe that if it worked for HIGNFY and the recently cancelled Never Mind The Buzzcocks, it can work for Top Gear. Interesting theory. Probably wrong, of course, but nevertheless, interesting. However, in order to create this scenario, the Beeb would need to keep hold of the remaining two presenters, Richard Hammond and James May. Both have stated their desire not to return in solidarity with their mate Jezza Clarkson, and both saw their contracts expire at the end of March. So, how will they do this? Seemingly, the Indi claim - thanks to their anonymous 'insider' - with the age-old solution: huge vast piles of wonga. Both presenters will, allegedly, be offered a million smackers a year deal to come back to Top Gear - an amount that the Beeb can justify on account of the huge amount of money the show makes for the corporation from syndication and merchandising. It remains to be seen whether Richard and James want to return without their amigo; May has previously said that it would be 'lame' to make the programme with 'a surrogate Jeremy', while Hammond is thought to feel the same way. Time will tell, dear blog reader. It usually does.

Wor Geet Canny Robson Green thinks that a US remake of his ITV series Wire In The Blood could be 'brilliant.' So could another ITV series for that matter although that's equally, unlikely to happen. The crime thriller (of which yer actual Keith Telly Topping was a big fan) was being eyed for an adaptation by ABC some time ago though the network later passed on the project. Wor Geet Canny Robson told the Digital Spy website that the drama - in which he played the criminal psychologist Tony Hill - still has the potential to be an American hit. 'The script was written - there was some amazing talk on who could play Tony Hill,' Wor Geet Canny Robson said. 'Everyone from Guy Pearce to Billy Bob Thornton They'd Americanise it [and] they'd do a brilliant job. American TV - the high-end stuff - is exceptional. They'd have made a great job of it, but it wasn't picked up - never mind.' Wor Geet Canny Robson also ruled out reprising the role if a US remake did make it to the screen. 'No, I've done that,' he said. 'I took that part as far as it could go.'

Steve Toussaint will fight crime alongside Kevin Whately and Laurence Fox in the new series of Lewis. The Line Of Duty actor will star in the new series as Chief Superintendent Joseph Moody, Jean Innocent's replacement, who will clash with Robbie Lewis over their differing approaches to detective work. As previously announced, Angela Griffin will return to the series as Detective Sergeant Lizzie Maddox, while Clare Holman will also appear as Lewis's love interest, forensic pathologist Laura Hobson. Other new additions to the cast include Happy Valley's Steve Pemberton and The Hour's Helen Schlesinger, who will play Ian and Vivienne Tedman in One For Sorrow, the first episode of the new series. The couple have connections to the death of a psychology student and artist named Talika Desai and will face questions from Lewis and his colleagues. Ralf Little, Tim Pigott-Smith and Naomi Scott will also appear in the episode. The new series of Lewis is currently in production in Oxford.

Home Fires has been recommissioned for a second series by ITV. The World War II drama centres on a group of inspirational women at the heart of a rural Cheshire community, who bring the village together during difficult times. Samantha Bond, Ruth Gemmill, Claire Rushbrook, Frances Grey, Clare Calbraith, Fenella Woolgar, Leanne Best, Claire Price and Brian Fletcher star in the series which was created by Simon Block. ITV's director of drama, Steve November, said: 'We've been really pleased with how viewers have taken Home Fires to their heart. Through Simon's wonderfully observed scripts and the characters he's created, we've come to know real women who kept the home fires burning throughout the Second World War. Their war effort is an intriguing aspect of our national social history, and we're delighted the women will be reunited for a second series.'
Brian Pern is taking to the London stage to celebrate his illustrious forty-year career in The rock. Simon Day's musical comedy creation is heading to the Lyric Theatre on Monday 19 October for one-off event An Evening With Brian Pern. The character made his first appearance in BBC4 comedy The Life Of Rock With Brian Pern, as a founder of fictional prog-rock band Thotch and subsequently reappeared in a sequel on BBC2. As well as Simon Day, An Evening With Brian Pern - a mix of music and (presumably, really pretentious) chat - will also star Tony Way and Lucy Montgomery.
Yer actual Gary Lineker will reportedly sign a new non-exclusive contract with the BBC, after agreeing terms allowing him to front BT Sport's Champions League coverage next season. The Match Of The Day host's future with the public broadcaster had been the subject of some speculation - mostly from glakes who didn't know what the fek they were talking about - with 'reports' (for which read, rumours on the Internet) earlier this year that Lineker was 'having serious discussions' with BT Sport. The Daily Torygraph says that Lineker has now agreed to take a pay-cut in his new deal with the BBC, where he is expected to continue fronting Match Of The Day and their other football coverage. BT Sport is scheduled to unveil its talent line-up for the 2015-16 season next week, but earlier confirmed that Jake Humphrey has signed a new four-year deal. As part of the new contract, Humphrey's role has been expanded to include anchoring the pay-TV channel's coverage of UEFA Champions League and UEFA Europa League games.
The BBC's Director of Television Danny Cohen has suggested that programmes would have to be cut if the corporation was forced to bear the costs of free licence fees for the over-seventy fives or decriminalising evasion of the charge. At an industry event held at BAFTA in London on Monday, Cohen was asked about potential cuts to BBC revenues. 'If the BBC takes on more financial obligations we've got less money to spend on content. It's as simple as that,' he is reported as saying. 'If we took on one of those things, we'd just make less programmes. And that's something I think none of us want to do.' Asked of other plans to cut the budget, he said: 'Do I personally think we can keep salami-slicing the content budget? No. I think if there is a significant reduction in the licence fee, we are going to have a lot less content. Will we have to close services? Yes, I think so,' he said. With BBC3 due to go online in the new year, Cohen has previously said that sister channel BBC4 might follow the same route if its future funding was cut further. 'The reason we made this change for BBC3 is because we face a series of financial cuts the like of which the BBC has not had to cope with before,' he said last year. 'For BBC4, that means if future funding for the BBC comes under more threat then the likelihood is we would have to take more services along the same route. We will have to see what happens in the future with the licence fee whether we can keep BBC4.' The BBC took on a number of new funding responsibilities in the 2010 licence fee settlement, including the World Service, resulting in its seven hundred million quid Delivering Quality First cost-saving programme.
The X Factor may look a little different this year, with 'big changes' being promised as the show attempts to reclaim the ratings crown from Strictly Come Dancing. The series trailed its BBC1 rival by around a million viewers per episode last year, but executives are said to be keen to reverse that situation and are now planning 'numerous changes' in an effort to lure fans back. 'The show is twelve-years-old, and yes we want to win the ratings,' producer Mark Sidaway said while speaking at MBI's Creative Week event this week. Broadcast quotes him as continuing: 'We beat Strictly for a few years and now they're beating us. We want to be the biggest show and we need to look at what we want to do and seek to evolve.' Among the 'big changes' planned is a new-look judging panel, with potential replacements for departing Louis Walsh and Mel B.

Downton Abbey has been voted the best TV drama of 2014 at The Voice Of The Listener & Viewer Awards. Which only goes to prove the the general public know sod-all about anything. And, yer actual Keith Telly Topping - as a fully paid up member of the general public - thoroughly included himself in that assessment. Strictly Come Dancing picked up best TV entertainment programme from the consumer group, which champions public service broadcasting. Other winners included Martha Kearney and Professor Brian Cox, named best radio and TV presenter respectively. The Torygraph's radio critic Gillian Reynolds was honoured with the VLV Trustees' special award which recognised her contribution to public service broadcasting throughout her career. Now in its twenty third year, the awards ceremony was hosted in London by Radio 4's Today programme presenter James Naughtie. TV awards were also handed to BBC1's Countryfile, CBBC's Newsround, Springwatch and the BBC News Channel. The News Quiz won best radio drama and comedy programme, while Germany: Memories Of A Nation won best radio factual programme. BBC World Service was also honoured, as was Radio 3's Composer Of The Week. Neil MacGregor, who recently announced he was stepping down as director of the British Museum and has presented several TV and radio programmes on the arts, was honoured with a special award, as was TV doctor Michael Mosley. 'The wide range of nominations proposed by our members illustrate the tremendous quality and diversity to be found in UK broadcasting,' said VLV chairman Colin Browne. 'Winners tell us they particularly value these awards as they are chosen by the people who really matter - engaged listeners and viewers.'

The Interceptor is the BBC's attempt to emulate classic shows like The Professionals, says creator Tony Saint.Although whether The Professionals qualifies for 'classic' status is a matter, very much, of opinion. Saint revealed at a recent press screening that his new crime thriller was inspired by the 1970s action thrillers which he'd enjoyed as a boy. 'It's got action in it, it's got an element of humour in it - and it's got a double-act at the heart, so there's a buddy element to it, which harks back to classics like The Professionals and Starsky & Hutch,' he said. 'Kojak is another one - I think the balance between action and peril and fun, that's one of the big things [we tried to emulate].' Saint added that The Interceptor is designed to have 'a broad appeal' and 'target a wide range of ages. It'd be great to bring a younger audience to the show,' he said. 'By design, it's not excessively violent, the bad language is kept to a minimum and there's no sex to speak of at all.' The writer also name-checked the character of John McClane - the protagonist played by Bruce Willis in the 1988 action movie Die Hard and several, less successful, sequels - as an inspiration for The Interceptor lead character Ash (played by OT Fagbenle). 'John McClane does all these fantastic things, but you can see the toll it's taking on him as it goes on - he's not superhuman, at all,' Saint said. 'He's a hero that we can all relate to - and that's the idea behind someone like Ash as well.' An eight-part series, The Interceptor follows an elite unit taking down some of Britain's most wanted criminals using the latest tech and kick them in the knackers before sending them straight to the pokey. It premières on BBC1 on Wednesday 10 June at 9pm. To be honest, from the evidence of the trailer it looks more like Bugs: The Next Generation than Kojak, but, we'll give it a shot.
Marvel's Agent Carter has finally been picked up by a UK channel. FOX (digital channel 124 if you're not familiar with it and its endless, though welcome, repeats of NCIS and The Mentalist) has acquired the rights to the eight-part first season starring Hayley Atwell as Peggy Carter. A TV spin-off from the Marvel movie Universe, Agent Carter will get its UK première in July. The first series sees Peggy working for the covert Strategic Scientific Reserve)while dealing with the loss of Steve Rogers - Captain America - and her male colleagues' chauvinist attitudes towards her and her very sexy ass. Jeff Ford - Managing Director of FOX International Channels UK - said: 'Marvel's Agent Carter is blockbuster Hollywood entertainment at its best. With high production values and a stellar UK and international cast, the series is the perfect addition to FOX UK's summer line-up, continuing the channel's commitment to bring exclusive, original and breakthrough series to a UK audience.' The series also stars Dominic Cooper as Howard Stark (Iron Man's dad), and James D'Arcy as Jarvis, Stark's butler and Peggy's ally. Marvel's Agent Carter has already been renewed for a second season by ABC, which will be broadcast in the US in 2016.
Has Fawlty Towers been the unlikely inspiration for possible crime, thirty six years after the John Cleese sitcom came to an end after two series? Fans will have spotted the connection on reading media reports (such as one in the Evening Standard) revealing that 'a thirty three-year-old man' allegedly pretended to be The Duke Of Marlborough and racked up a bill of more than eighteen hundred smackers at a luxury hotel in Kings Cross. If the chap was, indeed, a fraudster, the unnamed man may have been modelling himself on the self-styled 'Lord Melbury', a conman guest who in the first episode of Fawlty Towers in 1975 has fawning, snobbish Basil fooled but is exposed by Sybil.
And now, dear blog reader ...
ITV boss Peter Fincham has admitted that viewers should have been told that a stunt double dog was used by the winner of Britain's Got Toilets, prompting hundreds of whines from viewers with, apparently, nothing better to do with their time. As if anybody with half-a-brain in the head actually cares about such trivial nonsense. Britain's got morons, seemingly. Lots of them. The makers of the wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads talent content have grovellingly apologised for 'not making it clearer' to viewers that a lookalike dog was used for the high-rope walk by the winner of the competition, Matisse. Media regulator Ofcom has so far received two hundred and six whinges about the final, which was broadcast on ITV on Sunday night and was watched by a peak of more than thirteen million sad, crushed victims of society. And, on Tuesday, a national newspaper - well, if you can class the Sun as a newspaper - devoted its entire front page to this scandalous 'news'. ITV director of television Peter Fincham said tat the way the act was presented was a 'judgment call. In the semi-final it was made quite clear the other dog played a role in it,' he told The Voice Of The Listener & Viewer conference in London on Tuesday. 'In the audition it was made quite clear this was a dog act with a range of dogs. In hindsight, in the final it would have been better if that was clear.' But, Fincham pointedly declined to apologise to those who took such umbrage at this malarkey, saying: 'To be absolutely clear these things are a judgment call that producers make.' So, not my fault, the producer's fault. Nice bit of buck-passing there, Peteme auld cocker. It emerged on Monday that Jules O'Dwyer's winning act, Matisse, was substituted for a lookalike dog in the high-wire stunt which helped the animal and its owner to win the talent competition. O'Dwyer had appeared with several dogs in the semi-final of the show, but during the final, and unbeknown to viewers, a dog called Chase replaced Matisse in the tightrope act. The switch, according to the Gruniad Morning Star'prompted a social media backlash' after O'Dwyer admitted substituting Matisse because he is 'scared of heights.' Sounds like a sensible dog to this blogger but, whatever. And, of course, as we all know, the Gruniad Morning Star believes that social media - and, specifically Twitter -is The Sole Arbiter On The Worth Of All Things. Others, this blogger included, believes that, on the contrary it's just some people making noise. 'Matisse is a little bit afraid of heights, so although he could officially do it, Chase is the action dog, so he plays the double for him,' O'Dwyer told ITV breakfast show Lorraine. O'Dwyer later said that she was 'shocked and surprised' by viewers' reaction. But, the accusations of 'fakery' will bring back unhappy memories for ITV executives, who paid out a record £5.7m fine in 2008 for 'seriously and repeatedly misleading' audiences over TV phone-in deceptions on hit shows including Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. Britain’s Got Toilets, one of ITV's most valuable and important formats, now faces a potential Ofcom investigation after complaints that 'millions of viewers' who voted for Matisse may have been 'conned.' Some might argue that they were conned into watching this arsehole crap in the fist place, but that's an entirely different argument and one, perhaps, best left for another day. The number of complaints is, the Gruniad confidently - and rather sneeringly - predicted, 'expected to snowball' with further press coverage of the fall out from 'the stunt.' O'Dwyer had narrowly won the public vote in Sunday night's final, winning two hundred and fifty thousand smackers and the chance to perform at The Royal Variety Performance. O'Dwyer and Matisse received over twenty two per cent of the votes while magician Jamie Raven got just over twenty per cent. Ofcom said that it would 'assess' the whinges to see whether a formal investigation of a potential breach of the broadcasting code was warranted. According to its code, broadcasters must not 'materially mislead the audience.' And, in terms of competitions 'broadcasters must ensure that viewers and listeners are not materially misled about any broadcast competition or voting.' A peak of more than thirteen million punters watched O'Dwyer and Matisse (and Chase) become the second (and third) dog act to win Britain's Got Toilets, following Ashleigh Butler and Pudsey (Pudsey was the dog, if you were wondering) in 2012. A spokesman for the producers of Britain's Got Toilets, which is made by Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's production company Syco and Fremantle Media said: 'The audience had previously seen from Jules's semi-final routine that she works with a second dog Chase alongside Matisse. For the final performance, as Jules has said publicly herself, Chase completed the tight-rope walking section of the act. During the competition viewers have seen that Jules's act involves a team of dogs, including Chase and Skippy, alongside starring dog Matisse, to perform her unique mixture of dog agility and storytelling. We are sorry if this was not made clearer to the judges and viewers at home during their final performance.'
Meanwhile, two days after this story broke, big-style(e) in the tabloids, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads finally broke his own silence over the revelation that there was a third dog involved in Britain's Got Toilets's winning act Jules & Matisse. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads revealed his 'frustration' over the controversy, but 'took responsibility' for what he described as 'a cock-up.' He also lamented that the show may have let dog trainer O'Dwyer down. 'The moment I found out I literally put my head in my hands. I spoke to a lot of people after, and I did raise my voice,' Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads explained to the Mirra. 'But, it was mainly people owning up to it. They felt embarrassed, they felt frustrated, they felt stupid, but you've got to man up to this stuff.'Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads also disclosed that he was 'really annoyed' with the situation before receiving frantic calls from producers. And, dear blog reader, you wouldn't like to see Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads when he's angry. 'I could hear in their voices, some were in tears, just mad at themselves,' he recalled. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads said that he spoke with O'Dwyer for an hour over the phone in an attempt to reassure and placate her, continuing: 'I feel that I let her down and that the show let her down. She shouldn't have to be in this position because she didn't do anything wrong. But I hopefully reassured her she should put on a very good show for the Queen. As she explained to me last night, "It wasn't just about me and Matisse, like Ashleigh and Pudsey." They should have been called Jules, Matisse & Friends.' Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads added that O'Dwyer came up with 'Jules & Matisse''because she had no other name for the act, but wanted to show us that she was a multiple dog trainer.' Despite rumours that there will be 'multiple sackings' at ITV over this fiasco, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads reiterated: 'The producers are absolutely gutted. I was so depressed yesterday for the show, for Jules and for the producers themselves, because they are not horrible people. They made a stupid mistake on a live show. They didn't think about how it would appear. I was frustrated because I didn't really know what I was judging until afterwards so I felt like a bit of an idiot.' Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads suggested that O'Dwyer should have brought Chase on after the final performance, explaining: 'That should have happened, one hundred percent, and she could have said, "Oh, by the way, Chase was the one doing the tightrope."' On taking responsibility for these shenanigans, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads added: 'You've got to own up to your mistakes. The viewers have to trust us and know exactly what goes on. There was definitely no intention from the producers to hide this, that I do know. It wasn't one person saying "hide the dog", so I welcome any investigation so [Jules] can walk out with her head held high.' When asked for a comment, Chase said 'woof'.
And, on a somewhat related note, the 'revealing dresses' chosen by Amanda Holden and Alesha Dixon - they're not dogs, incidentally - for the final of Britain’s Got Toilets have provoked almost two hundred whinges from viewers 'unhappy' with 'the amount of flesh on show.' Christ almighty, dear blog reader, let us once again simply stand up and salute the utter shite that some people chose to care about. Both judges opted for plunging necklines, which left some viewers whinging about the amount of cleavage for a family show that started before the 9pm watershed. And, other viewers, cracking one off at their tellies. Probably. Holden tweeted that her dress was 'inspired by the films Frozen and Cinderella.' Ofcom has so far received ninety whinges about Holden and Dixon's outfits, while one hundred have 'voiced concern' to ITV. 'Ofcom has received ninety complaints about the presenters' clothing on Britain's Got Talent on ITV,' said a rather weary-sounding Ofcom spokesman. 'We will assess these complaints before deciding whether to investigate or not.' Before, presumably, telling the whinges to 'grow the fek up' or to us their remote controls, that's what they're for.
The BBC is paying writers working on potential scripts for soaps such as EastEnders, Holby City and Casualty as little as the equivalent of two quid an hour, according to the head of the writers' union. Bernie Corbett, the general secretary of the Writers' Guild of Great Britain, has written a letter to BBC Director General Tony Hall whinging about scriptwriters on so-called 'shadow schemes' for long-running TV series to be paid the minimum wage. To which, one hopes, Tony Hall replies 'okay then, we'll sack them all and they can go and work in call centres instead where the pay is much better.' Writers working on these schemes are paid a single script fee of one grand and are required to produce up to three drafts of a trial script over a three-month period, according to Corbett. There is no guarantee of a commission at the end of the scheme. Corbett said that the rate of pay works out at about £2.38 an hour. He said that the WGGB has 'repeatedly raised the issue' in meetings with BBC executives but there had been 'no progress. This is an issue of corporate citizenship,' said Corbett in the letter to the corporation. 'As a public corporation the BBC has social responsibilities. Paying writers below any recognised acceptable, or indeed legal, minimums is a breach of those responsibilities.'Yeah. Or, don't employ them at all. The WGGB is asking for the shadow scheme fee to be increased to two thousand eight hundred quid. 'We are acutely aware of the financial pressures on the BBC,' said Corbett. 'But our suggestion is only just over half the minimum fee that would be paid to the writer of a normal half-hour episode.' A BBC spokesman disputed the figures cited by the WGGB and said the shadow schemes had been helpful for writers looking to work on BBC shows. 'We're proud of our work training and supporting writers through these schemes which have been successful in helping writers to secure commissions on our shows,' said a BBC spokesman. 'We don't accept the figures cited in the letter but we had already scheduled to meet the the Writers' Guild at the end of this month for a further discussion about how these schemes operate and we will discuss the issues they raise then.' Corbett said that the shadow scheme system has been 'beset by problems' since it replaced the drama writers' academy in 2013. The academy, set up in 2005, allowed writers to undertake a twelve-week training period with an 'attendance fee' of about four thousand knicker. If a writer passed the trial period they were guaranteed a commission and paid at professional rates for the next twelve months.
And now, the story of the week. Soon to be former FIFA president Sepp Blatter is allegedly 'being investigated' by US officials as part of their inquiry into wholesale corruption and rotten doings at the heart of the world football body, US media suggests. The news came just hours after Blatter, to the surprise - but, delight - of millions, announced that he will be stepping down from his role. At some stage. US prosecutors launched an extremely criminal inquiry in FIFA last week, with seven officials arrested in Switzerland, part of a group of fourteen people indicted. Two days after the arrests, the the disgust of millions, Blatter was re-elected president of FIFA thanks to the rank and odious greed of many national associations, mainly in Africa and Asia. However, he said on Tuesday of this week that it appeared the mandate he had been given 'does not seem to be supported by everyone in the world.' Not that this is a new thing, of course, and it's never stopped him from being president in the past. Blatter said: 'FIFA needs profound restructuring.' He said hat he would continue in post until an extraordinary congress is called to elect a new president. No dates have been set, but it is expected to take place sometime between December 2015 and March 2016. 'I am the president now, the president of everybody,' Blatter said after winning a fifth term as FIFA's head last Friday. What would have sounded like parody coming from the mouth of anyone else served instead as an accurate reflection of his own vainglorious self-image. The dark storm of allegations which led to Blatter's dramatic resignation on Tuesday are only the most recent of the venal affairs to dog sport at the highest level. The allegations of bribery in Salt Lake City's successful campaign to host the 2002 Winter Olympics saw ten senior International Olympic Committee figures resign. But that was one event, at one moment in time. Football is the dominant global game. For more than a decade, its highest custodians stand accused of endemic and methodical corruption. The shock lies not in the charges themselves but in the fact that Blatter, master of perpetual evasion, not just a Teflon Don but a man so slippery even his own shadow struggles to cling on, has finally been brought down by them. Blatter has so far carefully avoided handing over a smoking gun. As mea culpas go, 'my mandate does not appear to be supported by everybody' is Sepp's equivalent of a wardrobe malfunction, an empty phrase that only hints at the naked scandal beneath. 'Crisis? What is a crisis?' he famously asked before being voted in unopposed four years ago. This last week alone serves as a neat summary: seven FIFA officials arrested in Switzerland at the request of the US authorities investigating corruption of more than one hundred million quid; reports claiming FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke was responsible for an alleged ten million payment of bribes over South Africa's bid to host the 2010 World Cup, Interpol put six men linked to FIFA on its 'most wanted' list, issuing international alerts for two former FIFA officials - including the odious Jack Warner - and four executives on charges including racketeering and corruption and a separate criminal investigation by Swiss authorities into how the 2018 and 2022 World Cups were allocated. And there are scandals within the scandals. If the decision to award Qatar the 2022 World Cup was not contentious enough in itself, in December last year FIFA chose not to release its own investigation into corruption. The report's author, American Michael Garcia, immediately resigned. Blatter said last week that he wanted to stay on at FIFA to 'lift the shadow' cast by those arrests, which would be like asking disgraced Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson to lead the 1989 Dubin Inquiry, the Canadian government investigation into drug abuse which followed his positive test at the 1988 Seoul Games. US officials quoted in the New York Times said THAT they hoped to 'gain the co-operation' of 'some of the FIFA figures now under indictment' on charges of racketeering and money laundering to try to build a case against Blatter. Earlier the FBI, Internal Revenue Service and the US Attorney for the Eastern District of New York, who is involved in the US prosecutions, all said that they would 'not comment' on the Blatter resignation. In its prosecution, the US justice department said fourteen individuals were under investigation worldwide for allegedly accepting bribes and kickbacks estimated at more than a hundred million quid over a twenty four-year period. Two vice-presidents were among the seven FIFA officials arrested in Zurich. They all await US extradition proceedings. Brazilian footballing legend Pele told the BBC that the developments surrounding FIFA and Blatter 'surprised everyone. My position is like a player. I want to see football put people together, stop the war,' he said. 'FIFA needs honest people.' The arrests overshadowed the vote for a new president, which Blatter won, defeating his sole challenger, Prince Ali bin Al Hussein of Jordan. Prince Ali withdrew despite forcing a second round, having lost the first by one hundred and thirty three votes to seventy three. Blatter, who has been FIFA president since 1998, said he would urge FIFA's executive committee to organise an extraordinary congress for the election of my successor at the earliest opportunity. This will need to be done in line with FIFA's statutes and we must allow enough time for the best candidates to present themselves and to campaign.' Further allegations of corruption emerged on Tuesday shortly before Blatter's resignation was announced, with claims that FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke was linked to an alleged ten million dollars payment of bribes to the odious Jack Warner over South Africa's bid to host the 2010 World Cup. Both Valcke and Warner deny any wrongdoing. Well, they would, wouldn't they? A separate criminal investigation by Swiss authorities into how the 2018 and 2022 World Cups were allocated is also under way. The FIFA president has previously survived repeated accusations of corruption against his organisation. So for him to go, just days after winning an election with a heavy majority, there would appear to be something significant happening behind the scenes. Th FA's Greg Dyke - a long-term Bltter critic - said in an interview with BBC 5Live: 'I don't believe a word of this. If he believes that why not step down last week when we asked him to? He was cock-a-hoop when he won and terribly arrogant. Clearly there is a smoking gun of some sort. This is nothing to do with Blatter being honourable. He hasn't been honourable for years.”' FIFA sponsors, including Visa, Coca-Cola and McDonald's, have welcomed Blatter's decision to resign. However, both Visa and Coca-Cola repeated warnings that they expected 'a swift overhaul' at FIFA. And, McDonald's said that it hoped this would be the first step towards 'gaining back trust from fans worldwide.' By hell, you really know someone has screwed up when McDonald's becomes a moral compass. The rising pressure from the US investigation into corruption looks the most likely source for Blatter's departure and hours after his resignation, reports emerged in US media that the FBI had begun investigating him directly. Speaking on stage, the seventy nine-year-old looked diminished, a far cry from his usual strutting, bombastic self. As he resigned, Blatter suggested he wanted to reform the sport before he handed over the reins to his successor.

Former top FIFA official Chuck Blazer has admitted that he and others on the executive committee agreed to accept bribes in connection with the choice of South Africa as 2010 World Cup hosts. The American said he also facilitated bribes over the 1998 event. The admissions come in a newly released transcript from a 2013 US hearing in which he pleaded extremely guilty to ten charges. In another development, former FIFA Vice-President the odious Jack Warner, who is among those charged, said on Wednesday that he had documents linking FIFA officials to the 2010 election in Trinidad and Tobago. 'I will no longer keep secrets for them who actively seek to destroy the country,' he said in a paid political broadcast on Wednesday evening. And so, the whole rotten house of cards starts to collapse and all of the greed monsters turn on each other to save their own skins. Or, something. Warner, who denies charges against him, said that he feared for his life, but would reveal everything he knows about the alleged corruption. Warner resigned from all football activity in 2011 amid bribery allegations and later stepped down as Trinidad and Tobago's security minister amid a fraud inquiry. A key figure in the deepening scandal, he said that he had given his lawyers documents outlining the links between FIFA, its funding, himself and the 2010 election in Trinidad and Tobago. He said the transactions also included Blatter. The details of Blazer's guilty pleas came as prosecutors unsealed the transcript of the 2013 hearing in the Eastern New York District Court. The admissions are part of a sentencing deal with prosecutors. Blazer was the second highest official in FIFA's North and Central American and Caribbean region from 1990 to 2011 and also served on FIFA's executive committee between 1997 and 2013. To date, he is the highest placed FIFA official to Copper's Nark on his former mates. In the transcript, prosecutors refer to FIFA 'and its membership or constituent organisation' as 'a Rico enterprise' - a Racketeering Influenced Corrupt Organisation. Blazer says: 'Beginning in or around 2004 and continuing through 2011, I and others on the FIFA executive committee agreed to accept bribes in conjunction with the selection of South Africa as the host nation for the 2010 World Cup.' Earlier on Wednesday, South Africa denied paying a ten million dollar bribe to secure the hosting of the 2010 event. Blazer said that one of his co-conspirators received a bribe in Morocco for its bid to host the 1998 tournament, which was eventually awarded to France. He and others also accepted bribes in connection with broadcast and other rights to the CONCACAF Gold Cup tournament in 1996, 1998, 2000, 2002 and 2003, he added. Other admissions among the ten charges in the forty-page dossier include US tax evasion. Federal agents investigating the tax evasion had detained Blazer and he agreed to co-operate in the US investigations. He is said to have agreed to record his colleagues using a microphone hidden in a keychain. In addition to the US case, Swiss authorities have launched a criminal investigation into how the 2018 and 2022 World Cups were allocated. Qatar has claimed there is no way it will be stripped of the right to host the 2022 World Cup despite the corruption probe.Foreign minister Khaled al Attiyah dismissed what he called 'a bashing campaign' as 'anti-Arab prejudice' and said that Qatar was 'confident' it could prove there had been 'no wrongdoing' in its selection.
Ryan Taylor has said that he was told he was being released by Newcastle in a phone call from John Carver, who then asked the player to pass the phone to his team-mate Jonas Gutierrez so that the Magpies temporary boss could tell him he was being released as well. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) United secured their Premier League status on the final day of the season. 'John Carver rang me and told me the club weren't going to offer me a new deal,' Taylor told Sky Sports News. 'Then he asked me to pass the phone to Jonas, which was unbelievable.' Taylor spent six years at St James' Park, while midfielder Gutierrez had been at the club since 2008. Gutierrez, who has fought testicular cancer, scored in the 2-0 win over West Ham which guaranteed Newcastle's Premier league status. Taylor said that he had 'some sympathy' for Carver. 'I spoke to him and he seemed upset about telling two good pros, who have been there a long time, that it's come to an end,' said the defender. 'I can't really blame John because he's under instructions on what to do.' Taylor and Gutierrez are currently in Belfast at a coaching course. Following confirmation of his release, Gutierrez took to social media and posted the following message: 'Thanks to all football fans and Newcastle fans for supporting me and trust in me. This is a way to demonstrate I always hear you. You are very important to me, football wouldn't be the same without you. All my effort and affection is for you.' He also posted a photo montage on Facebook before signing off with the following barbed comment: 'Two things I learn from my illness, how you can support a player (Newcastle fans) and how you leave a player alone (Newcastle owner).'

Glasgow Rangers say that they will 'co-operate fully' with the investigation into the 'disgraceful scenes' following the Scottish Premiership play-off final. A violent on-field clash between Rangers defender Bilel Mohsni and Motherwell's Lee Erwin sparked a mass brawl at Fir Parkwith kids getting sparked an aal sorts. Police and the football authorities are reviewing the incident and the match delegate is due to deliver his damning report this week. Mohsni responded to a push by Erwin by aiming a kick and punch at the striker after last Sunday's clash which then descended into chaos and mindless violence. The second leg saw Motherwell preserve their Premiership status courtesy of a 6-1 aggregate victory. Mohsni also tussled with Motherwell's unused substitute Fraser Kerr. All three players were shown red cards by referee Craig Thomson after the match. 'Bilel Mohsni's behaviour was completely unacceptable and had his contract not now expired, the club would have started disciplinary proceedings,' Rangers said in a statement. 'The club will also assist with any investigation into the behaviour of Motherwell supporters and we would like to thank the Rangers fans who were excellent in showing admirable restraint despite severe provocation.' Assistant chief constable Bernard Higgins said: 'Police Scotland will conduct a full review of the circumstances and liaise with the appropriate partners, and decide how best to take the matter forward over the coming days.' Rangers' manager, Stuart McCall, claimed that he did not see the incident, but acknowledged such behaviour was 'unacceptable.' Speaking after his side's 3-0 loss at Fir Park, he said: 'If he has thrown a punch that's disgraceful. But it's safe to say he won't be at the club next season. He's out of contract.' Oh, so that's all right, then. Not our problem now, pal. Motherwell boss Ian Baraclough said that the scenes detracted from 'a great day' for the Lanarkshire club. 'There's been an outpouring of emotions, shall we say, and it's gone too far,' he told BBC Scotland. 'Scottish football doesn't need it. There were two teams battling it out over one hundred and eighty minutes, they gave it absolutely everything. For one or two individuals to ruin it, tarnish it, is a shame.' Erwin appeared to shove Mohsni after the defender refused his offer of a handshake and describe his opponent's reaction as 'embarrassing' in a television interview, given with blood on his face. Motherwell fans spilled onto the pitch while the fight was going on and had to be ushered away by police and stewards as they goaded Rangers supporters. Former Scottish FA chief executive Gordon Smith believes it should be for the football authorities, not the Police, to deal with the matter. 'I think it was thuggery,' Smith told BBC Scotland. 'It's happened in a football match and the football authorities have to deal with it. I don't think the police should be involved.'
The BBC's director of news has defended crass and ignorant accusations that the corporation was biased in its general erection coverage, saying that it was 'scrupulously impartial.' James Harding said 'the fabled left-wing bias' was 'unfair and unfounded', and was 'hard to take seriously' given the eventual Conservative victory. He said that the argument the BBC was too right-wing made big Middle Class hippy Communists in the Gruniad Morning Star was 'equally implausible.' He added that although politicians of all parties had complained about the issue, the public had not 'in any meaningful numbers. I was quite astonished by the ferocity and frequency of complaints from all parties,' Harding said at a Voice Of The Listener & Viewer conference. 'I was struck by how many politicians and spokespeople paid lip service to the idea of the BBC's editorial independence, but, nonetheless, did think it was their place to say what should be leading the news.' During the erection campaign, UKiP's Nigel Farago whinged about his party's treatment at not being invited to the BBC's Question Time leaders' debate. 'I believe they are guilty of blatant prejudice,' Farago told LBC radio. Odious Conservative MP Andrew Bridgen also whinged over the audience composition for the Question Time special programme, which some newspapers - well, the Daily Scum Mail and the Torygraph, if we're being specific - claimed was 'biased' in favour of Labour and Liberal Democrat voters. 'This confirms what we have known for a long time - the unashamed left-wing bias of the BBC,' Bridgen whinged. Harding said tht he 'got it in the ear' from all political parties. 'Labour was angry about the focus on the SNP, the Tories regularly questioned our running orders and editorial decisions, the Lib Dems felt they weren't getting sufficient air-time and the Greens complained about being treated like a protest movement not a party,' he said. He added that it was an 'unhappy coincidence' charter renewal and the level of the BBC's future funding would be decided so soon after the erection. Harding said 'people from all parties made the connection between their dissatisfaction with the election coverage and the fact that the next government will set the licence fee.' The journalist admitted that the corporation - along with other media organisations - 'allowed the poll numbers to infect our thinking,' leading to 'too much co-alitionology. With the benefit of hindsight, we would all have been better off with less discussion of deals and allowed the dissection of policy to speak for itself,' he said. BBC figures showed the corporations' election coverage reached nine in ten UK adults in the last week of the campaign, with the BBC News website used by a record thirty one million global browsers on 8 May.
Davina McCall has 'hit back' at 'angry fans' who have 'slammed' her for 'controversial comments' made in a recent interview about the importance of keeping your man 'satisfied.' And, this shit is 'news', apparently. Clearly somewhat unprepared for the amount of overwrought online drama her latest interview with the Torygraph would spark, the TV presenter wrote an entire blog post to 'clarify' exactly what she meant and insist that she is not'submissive.' As though anybody but the stupidest arsehole glake in the whole wide world actually gives a monkey's right bollock about such trivia. McCall talked about her sixteen-year marriage to Matthew Robertson in an, otherwise rather bland and nothing interview with the newspaper, and admitted that she loves 'keeping the fire alive in the bedroom. Matthew has strong views on underwear; you must keep your husband satisfied in the bedroom department, even if you're absolutely exhausted. Otherwise he will go somewhere else.' Upon seeing the ludicrous over-reaction to what she said, McCall claimed that her comments had been 'taken out of context', writing on her blog: 'I've got myself in a controversy!'

LEGO Dimensions has just got a lot more timey-wimey, apparently. The BBC has confirmed that Doctor Who sets will be available for the upcoming game. Iconic characters and elements from the popular long-running family SF drama will be included in the new game, which combines physical block building with console game play. The Doctor Who pack will include the latest Doctor played by yer actual Peter Capaldi, the TARDIS and K-9 figurines. The game's release is thought to coincide with the first official Doctor Who LEGO set, which will also launch later this year.
Russian punk band Pussy Riot have been confirmed to appear at this year's Glastonbury Festival, after the event revealed its full 2015 line-up. The anti-Putin activists will appear in conversation twice during the festival, on the Park Stage on Saturday 27 June and the Left Field the previous day. Burt Bacharach, The Proclaimers (aw yeah!), The Cribs and Wilko Johnson have also been added to the bill. They join Pyramid Stage headliners Foo Fighters, Kanye West and The Who. Pussy Riot's Nadezhda Tolokonnikova and Maria Alyokhina were released from a Russian prison last year after twenty one months, having been convicted of 'hooliganism' over protests in Moscow. They were among five members of the radical group to stage an obscenity-laced 'punk prayer' in the city's biggest cathedral. Billy Bragg, who hosts Glastonbury's Left Field, tweeted: 'Pleased to announce that Nadya and Masha from Pussy Riot will be speaking at Left Field, 1.30pm Friday.' The pair recently appeared as themselves in Netflix political drama House of Cards, where they staged a protest against fictional Russian president, the Putin-esque Viktor Petrov, at a dinner party. Glastonbury organisers revealed set times for all of the stages, including a mammoth slot for Friday night headliners Foo Fighters. They will play the Pyramid Stage from 21:15-23:45 - an hour longer than rapper West is scheduled to perform for the following night and thirty minutes longer than Sunday night headliners The Who. Surprise additions included a favourite of organiser Emily Eavis who tweeted: 'Very excited about Burt Bacharach!' He will play the Pyramid Stage, as will The Burtle Silver Band and ballet group The Michael Clark Company. Last week BBC Music announced it would broadcast thirty hours of TV coverage from Worthy Farm, as well as content for radio, the Red Button and online. It will kick off with The ONE Show's Chris Evans and Alex Jones, with Wor Geet Luscious Lauren Laverne, Jo Whiley and Mark Radcliffe fronting BBC2's coverage while Greg James presents on BBC3.

The Australian actor Bob Hornery has died at the age of eighty three. Bob appeared in the 1979 Doctor Who story The Horns Of Nimon where he played The Pilot. The actor was probably best known for playing Tom Kennedy in long-running Australian soap Neighbours. He was a long standing member of the Melbourne Theatre Company, first appearing in a 1961 touring production of Sweeney Todd. His last appearance for the company was in 2011 in The Importance Of Being Earnest. His sixty year career included TV roles in Sapphire & Steel, Orlando, Nicholas Nickleby, The Glynn Nicholas Show, The Troubleshooters, The Ugliest Girl In Town, Here Come The Double Deckers!, Dad's Army, Shelley and Thunderstone. Movie parts include roles in Crackerjack and Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. The actor died just two days before his eighty fourth birthday. Geoffrey Rush, Hugh Sheridan and Jason Donovan were among that paying tribute to Bob's life and career. 'Today we said goodbye to the Great Grandfather of Australian Theatre,' Sheridan wrote.

And, sadly another of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite actors, Peter Howell, has died at the age of ninety six. Peter played The Investigator in the last episode of the 1972 Doctor Who story The Mutants. He was best known for his role in the 1960's medical drama Emergency Ward Ten, playing Peter Harrison in well over one hundred episodes. The doctor was the fictitious Oxbridge hospital's orthopaedic registrar and one of the many staff whose lives were featured alongside the stories of their patients' woes. Harrison supervised the hospital’s polio unit and, as a master of understatement, was memorable for the line: 'The next forty eight hours may be a bit tricky.' While other actors in the soap, such as John Alderton and Desmond Carrington, went on to become household names, Peter returned to character roles, often rather typecast as authority figures. In The Prisoner, Patrick McGoohan's cult series using allegory to make a statement about the freedom of the individual, Peter appeared in a 1967 episode as a professor, teaching a speed-learning history course to residents of The Village as a mind-control exercise – it turns out that the professor is being controlled himself to deliver it. One of those great British character actors who seem to have been in pretty much everything, Peter's CV reads like a roll-call of just about every important TV series made in the UK during the 1950s, 60s, 70s and 80s. He had roles in - and the list is not complete by any means - Doctor Finlay's Casebook, Man From Interpol, Espionage, R3, The Avengers, Freewheelers, Dixon Of Dock Green, Unman, Wittering, Zigo, The Power Game, No Hiding Place, The Champions, Thirty Minute Theatre, Elizabeth R, The Root Of All Evil?, The Ten Commandments, Edward VII, The Mill On The Floss, Pride & Prejudice, Love In A Cold Climate, Death Of An Expert Witness, Crown Court, The Sweeney, The Brothers, Bill Brand, The Velvet Glove, Play For Today, Tales Of The Unexpected, The Professionals, Reilley: Ace Of Spies, The Old Men At The Zoo, Rumpole Of The Bailey, A Sort of Innocence, Our Mutual Friend, Jeeves & Wooster, The All New Alexei Sayle Show, Ruth Rendell Mysteries, Hippies, Silent Witness and Perfect Strangers. He played the governor upholding a brutal regime in the 1979 film Scum, starring Ray Winstone. It was a remake of Roy Minton's 1977 television play which was banned by the BBC because of its graphic portrayal of violence in a borstal. Peter – a lifelong campaigner for social justice – was particularly proud of this role because the film added its weight to a campaign he was involved in to abolish the borstal system, which came about in 1982. Peter Norman Bulmer Howell was born in London in 1919, the son of Owen, a solicitor, and his wife, Norah. He hated his time at Winchester, but it gave him a life-long love of cricket which would lead to his becoming a member of the MCC. To please his father he studied law at Christ Church College, Oxford, but left the course early when he was called up for wartime service in 1939. His experiences as a second-lieutenant in the Rifle Brigade shaped the rest of his life. Invalided out in 1943 with dysentery suffered during Montgomery's North Africa campaign, Peter never forgot the suffering he had seen – and the class divisions between officers and others. He was introduced to acting when his sister, Gillian, was training at RADA, which was looking for men to act in its productions to replace those away at war. A memorable time followed with the Old Vic company at the New theatre in 1943, following the bombing of its original venue. Peter took on small roles in productions such as Richard III, alongside Laurence Olivier, Ralph Richardson and Sybil Thorndike, directed by Tyrone Guthrie. Politics played an important part in Peter's life. As well as being an active member of the Labour party and serving on the committee of the actors' union, Equity, he opposed the MCC's planned cricket tour of apartheid South Africa in 1968, which was eventually cancelled and campaigned for the lowering of the homosexual age of consent. He also helped to raise funds for the building of Watermans Arts Centre, near his home in Chiswick. His many radio roles included the Right Reverend Cyril Hood in The Archers and Saruman in the 1981 BBC production of The Lord Of The Rings. He also appeared as the bishop, alongside Johnny Depp, in the film The Libertine (2004). Peter died on 20 April 2015 after a short illness. In 1957, Peter married Susan Cheshire, who died in 1992. He is survived by their daughters, Polly, Tamara and Camilla and son, Benji.

The Rolling Stones have - finally - shared a rock 'n' roll treasure this week, releasing a long-unreleased version of 'Brown Sugar' featuring Eric Clapton on slide guitar. According the press release, the song - which also features Al Kooper on electric piano - was recorded during an 'impromptu performance' at Keith Richards' birthday party at Olympic Studios in 1970. The beefed-up 'Brown Sugar' will be included on the band's upcoming Sticky Fingers reissue, boasting a bumper crop of previously unreleased bonus songs - an acoustic 'Wild Horses' and alternate versions of 'Dead Flowers' and 'Can't You Hear Me Knocking' plus five songs recorded live from London's Roundhouse in 1971 - is due to hit the shops on 8 June.
Led Zeppelin are to unveil previously unheard songs recorded with Indian musicians during a visit more than four decades ago. The reworked versions of 'Friends' and 'Four Sticks' - are among the songs contained in the band's reissues of three studio LPs. The band's website said that Robert Plant and Jimmy Page 'took a fabled trip to India to perform with the Bombay Orchestra and now, for the first time, recordings from these sessions will be officially released with dynamic takes on 'Friends' and 'Four Hands' ('Four Sticks' from Led Zeppelin IV).' Band members visited India a number of time during the 1971-72 period on their tours in Asia and 'during one of those trips Plant and Page participated in a session with a group of veteran Bollywood session musicians that resulted in reworked versions of 'Friends' and 'Four Sticks'' according to Rezaul H Laskar in the Hindustan Times newspaper. 'Led Zeppelin had not officially released any tracks from the Mumbai session till now though several bootlegs have emerged of the recording. In one bootleg, Page can be heard explaining bars and scales to [late Indian flautist] Vijay Raghav Rao, who gamely tries to convey his instructions to the Indian musicians who had clearly never collaborated with rock musicians.' The songs will be contained in the reissue of Coda, the band's final LP which is being released in July along with 1976's Presence and 1979's In Through The Out Door all having been remastered by Page.
A woman allegedly performed a sex act on her boyfriend in the middle of a Radio 2 concert in Hyde Park, a court heard. According to the Standard, 'disgusted music fans looked on' as Lisanne Beck, forty seven, performed the sex act on her partner, Simon Murphy aged forty eight, as Paloma Faith 'entertained the crowd.' Are we absolutely certain, if they genuinely were 'music fans' that it wasn't Pamola Faith these people were 'disgusted' by? Just asking. One allegedly 'repulsed' witness filmed the couple doing the naughty on his mobile phone before Beck and Murphy, from Swansea, were, ahem, tossed out of the festival by security, the Old Bailey heard. 'Up until the sexual act I was amused to a certain extent,' said the chap who made the video. Well, yeah, it's only a natural reaction to film something you're 'repulsed' by on your phone, isn't it? Beck and Murphy deny outraging public decency on 14 September last year. The trial extremely continues.

A BBC journalist is facing disciplinary action - most likely a damned good slippering from the Beeb's Chief Royal Sycophant - for killing off the Queen on Twitter after apparently mistaking a rehearsal of the announcement of Her Maj's death for the real thing. The Corporation profusely apologised after Ahmen Khawaja, a broadcast journalist, sent a tweet saying: 'Queen Elizabrth [sic] has died.' It was sent during one of the corporation's regular rehearsals for royal deaths, but insiders said that Khawaja was not taking part in the exercise and appeared to have overheard the rehearsal and tweeted what she thought was breaking news. Khawaja had previously sent a tweet saying: 'Breaking: Queen Elizabeth is being treated at King Edward VII Hospital in London. Statement due shortly.' The King Edward VII Hospital, which has a long association with the Royal family, was part of the BBC script for its dry run. By sheer coincidence the Queen was, in fact, at the hospital for her annual check-up at the time, but alleged 'sources' allegedly said that Khawaja 'did not know this.' Khawaja's tweets were re-tweeted several times by her followers before she realised the mistake and deleted it, tweeting: 'False alarm: Have deleted previous tweets!' She then claimed that the original posting had been the result of 'a silly prank' after her phone was left unattended. By then, however, rumours of the Queen's death were spreading so quickly that Buckingham Palace felt it had no choice but to issue a statement denying the Queen was ill, or dead, breaking its own normal protocol of refusing to comment on speculation about the health of the Royal family. Khawaja describes herself as 'a multimedia producer' at BBC News, producing news bulletins for BBC Urdu's current affairs television programme Sairbeen. She also reports for its website and radio shows. The BBC carries out dress rehearsals for the event of the death of the Queen or other senior members of the Royal family at least once a year. Shortly before the erroneous tweets were sent out, Jonathan Munro the BBC's head of newsgathering had e-mailed staff to say: 'This morning we are carrying out a low key rehearsal for the way in which television might cover a Category One obituary. It's mainly a technical procedure looking at the use of the studio. It does not involve any sites outside New Broadcasting House and it will not include radio or online. This has been in the diary for some time - there is no editorial reason why this is happening now. Procedures have been put in place to isolate the rehearsal from any output. It will take place in Studio E whilst the Victoria Derbyshire show is on-air from Studio B. We will be using internal camera positions on the mezzanine, and in the Business unit. The exercise should be completed before 10:30, and the News Channel will return to E as scheduled at 11:00. It is essential that we can rehearse these sensitive scenarios privately. BBC Tours have been suspended, and the blinds from public areas including reception and the media café will remain dropped. I'd also ask for your help in refraining from any external conversations and all social media activity about this exercise. Your continued discretion will be greatly appreciated.'

Mind you, to be fair the lass is hardly the first person to make that mistake, as today's Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Dayably proves. Doesn't it, Stephen?

The very excellent Rebecca Front - one of this blogger's favourite actresses - will appear in the next series of Doctor Who reuniting her with her former The Thick Of It co-star yer actual Peter Capaldi. Both won BAFTA awards for their performances in the BBC political comedy in 2010. Rebecca will guest star in an episode featuring the return of The Zygons, although her exact role in the show is currently being kept a closely guarded secret. It will be a double reunion on the show, Rebecca having previously starred alongside Jenna Coleman in the BBC1 drama Death Comes To Pemberley. The two-part adventure, written by Peter Harness, will also, as previously announced, feature two other returning semi-regulars, Jemma Redgrave and Ingrid Oliver alongside Capaldi and Coleman. A big Doctor Who fan, Rebecca has previously voiced audio versions of the show and has said that she would love to 'play a Doctor Who monster or something. That’d be brilliant.' She is not the first of The Thick Of It cast to reunite with Capaldi on the show, Chris Addison having appeared in last year’s series. Rebecca also starred in ITV's Lewis and recent BBC4 sitcom, Up The Women as well as The Day Today, You Can Choose Your Friends, The Rotters' Club, Kavanagh QC, Jonathan Creek, Big Train and Psychobitches among many others. Other guest stars confirmed for the new series include Maisie Williams, Michelle Gomez, Rufus Hound, Paul Kaye and Jaye Griffiths. When Rebecca first heard Capaldi had been cast in Doctor Who, she said that she 'sent him a really sweary text saying: "This is not fucking true? This cannot be true?" And he just said, "Please, we’re not swearing any more."' Rebecca said Capaldi was 'fantastic' in the role. 'It was a very complex, grown up portrayal – I thought it was really interesting.'

Prince Harry - fourth in line to the throne and with about as many brain-cells, albeit, a war hero and rightly praised for that - was apparently spotted 'flirting' with yer actual Jenna Coleman at a recent 'polo bash.' Quite what young Jenna her very self was doing at a 'polo bash' (and, indeed, what any self-respecting individual with Working Class roots would be doing at such a heinous snob-fest) is another matter entirely. Considering the actress is currently alleged to be dating Game Of Thrones' actor Richard Madden, one imagines she and Hazza weren't getting too close, despite the thirty-year-old Ginger Ninja being pictured with his wandering hand caressing Jenna's shapely knee on the front page of the Sun.
Still, it got the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama some coverage in the tabloids so, you know what they say, there no such thing as bad news.
There are 'early indications' that the second episode of FOX's forthcoming The X-Files revival may be a sequel to the thoroughly rotten series four episode Home according to the TVLine website. Episode two of the six-part continuation of the cult 1990s SF drama is rumoured to be entitled Home Again, with Glen Morgan both writing and directing of the episode. Morgan, wrote the original Home with James Wong. And, it is a quite staggering blot on both of their - otherwise, very impressive - CVs. If this malarkey does occur, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping refers all of you lot to the following, if you will, x-tract from X-Treme Possibilities: A Comprehensively Expanded Rummage Through Five Years Of The X-Files (Cornell P, Day M, Telly-Topping K, Virgin Books 1998), still extremely available for Kindle download from Amazon for just three English pounds and ninety nine English pence. What? What?: 'Sick. There's nothing redeeming in this dreadful waste of time and talent, just waves of repulsive images. Defenders of this episode have described it as a tribute to horror movies and accused me of being squeamish. Not a bit of it, if Home had an ounce of originality behind the gore, then it might have still worked, but the episode is just a bunch of borrowed plot devices strung together for effect; echoes of To Kill A Mockingbird and Psycho at the beginning give way to a depressingly ugly series of set-pieces taken from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes. The US transmission contained a pre-titles warning of the carnage to come ("Due to some graphic and mature content, parental discretion is advised"). Pity they didn't include a warning about insulting the audience's intelligence too. Only two things save it from complete disaster - the previously mentioned Mulder/Scully scene, which is charming, and Mulder's discovery of a newspaper from the day Elvis died. I can't believe the writers of E.B.E, Beyond The Sea and Blood wrote this abomination. Dreadful.' So ... this blogger was not a fan.

Speaking of From The North favourite, yer actual Gillian Anderson, a quick word about her performance in the opening episode of Hannibal series three. Or two words, actually. Bloody and marvellous. 'Please let it be a fairy tale.' Next ...
Whilst series regulars Hugh Dancy and Caroline Dhavernas were absent from the opening episode of Hannibal series three - which mostly concentrated on Hannibal Lecter and Bedelia Du Maurier's new,and jolly strange, life in Florence - the episode did bring back another old favourite, Eddie Izzard. Of course, Eddie's character - Abel Gideon - died in a very grizzly manner at the hands of Hannibal in season two, but a number of flashback scenes were shown, as Gideon was faced with his final supper ... his own body parts. However, these scenes almost didn't happen as executive producer Bryan Fuller explained to the Zap2It website this week. Fuller admitted the Eddie his very self was 'initially hesitant' about returning and didn't want his character to simply be eaten at the table. Therefore, Eddie worked with the producers to craft the form of those scenes. While Gideon was going to die, Eddie apparently didn't want his character to be seen as the victim. It was also revealed that Mads Mikkelsen loves working with yer man Ed too. The pair apparently improvised a lot of the dialogue in these scenes, including Gieon's memorable line of possible foreshadowing: 'It won't be long until someone takes a bite out of you.' The trailer for the next episode reveals - hurrah! - that Will and Alana are back.
Big Brother fell below one million overnight viewers on Thursday. The Channel Five Victorian freak show brought in nine hundred and twenty eight thousand punters in the slightly earlier timeslot of 9pm, down around seventy thousand overnight viewers night-on-night. Earlier, Jack The Ripper: The Missing Evidence was watched by five hundred and sixty one thousand at 8pm, while No Going Back was seen by five hundred and twenty seven thousand at 10pm. ITV's documentary Britain's Busiest Airport - Heathrow topped the ratings outside of the soaps, with 3.12m at 9pm. Earlier, Big Box Little Box had an audience of 2.33m at 8.30pm. BBC1's Watchdog also brought in 3.12m at 8pm, while The Truth About Your Teeth interested 2.88m at 9pm. Question Time followed with 2.29m at 10.45pm. BBC2's Antiques Road Trip continued with 1.25m at 7pm, before Springwatch appealed to 2.21m at 8pm and The Game gathered 1.31m at 9pm. Qi brought in eight hundred and thirty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Four, Born Naughty? averaged 1.21m at 8pm, while Dementiaville was watched by 1.01m at 9pm. E4's The Big Bang Theory passed the one million mark with 1.03m at 8.30pm.

BBC1's Have I Got News For You led Friday's overnight viewing figures with an average audience of 4.35 million. The topical panel show, guest-hosted by Jack Dee, attracted an audience share of twenty two per cent at 9pm on what was, generally, a rather dreary and disappointing night across all channels. BBC1 previously brought in 2.42 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, 2.09 million for A Question Of Sport, followed by 2.32 million for the umpteenth repeat of The Vicar Of Dibley at 8.30pm. Mrs Brown's Boys was seen by 2.83 million at 9.30pm, before The Graham Norton Show attracted 2.67 million at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip was seen by 1.05 million, followed by 1.98 million for Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites and 2.17 million for Gardener's World. Kate Humble: Living With Nomads attracted an average audience of 1.53 million at 9pm, while The Clare Balding Show at 10pm was seen by seven hundred and ten thousand punters. Gino's Italian Escape brought 2.09 million viewers to ITV at 8pm, followed by 1.82 million for a Doc Martin repeat. On Channel Four, Marvel's Agents of SHIELD attracted six hundred and twenty thousand at 8pm, with 1.28m for Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown at 9pm. Alan Carr: Chatty Man entertained 1.13 million at 10pm. Channel Five's Big Brother live eviction episode attracted 1.18m. Earlier, the documentary Holy Grail Conspiracy: Secrets Of The Knights Templar was seen by six hundred and eighty eight thousand.

Friday's Have I Got News For You paid a warm and genuine tribute to one of its regular contributors over the years, the late Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy. The usually dead cynical BBC show remembered its sometime presenter and panellist by showing clips of his early and latest appearances. As guest host Jack Dee read out the final scores, he told viewers: 'Of course the scores have always been hotly contested on this show. Here's a friend of the show who always had the right attitude even when he hadn't won.' The programme then cut to a well-remembered vintage clip from the early 1990s of a fresh-faced Charles joking about how he and Paul Merton, despite coming second, were causing a shift in politics and admitting that he would have been 'very happy' to come second in an erection. In a second, more recent, clip Charles traded one-liners with Jezza Clarkson after being asked about the government's plans to imprison bankers. Kennedy replied: 'It's a bit stupid for David Cameron to suggest this, he hasn't got anywhere to put them for a start and probably most of them are voting Tory. Aren't they, Jeremy?' After yer man Jezza replied that he could not understand Scottish, Charlie replied: 'Don't worry, most people in Scotland can't understand voting Tory either!' This blogger was always something of an admirer of Kennedy, a humorous and likeable chap as well as being a principled politician who always said what he believed in even if it wasn't the most popular thing that people wanted to hear. As a Liberal leader, he took his party to their greatest erectoral result since the 1920s in 2005 when they won sixty five seats. How ironic that just a few weeks before his horribly untimely death he should have lost his own parliamentary seat in a virtual Lib Dem wipe-out almost entirely due to public hatred of the man who took his job, the odious and loathsome Clegg, and his betrayal of manifesto pledges in 2010, the sort of thing that Charlie Kennedy would never have dreamed of doing. All politicians are scum, dear blog reader, but some are marginally less scummy than others and Charlie Kennedy certainly fitted into the latter category. The results of a post-mortem examination released on Friday revealed that Kennedy had suffered 'a major haemorrhage' as the result of his long, and very public, fight with alcoholism.
The Champions League final appealed to more than four million overnight viewers on ITV on Saturday. Barcelona's victory over the hunchbacks of Juventus, the Catalans winning the première European club competition for a fifth time, averaged 4.06m with a peak of around six million punters at 9.30pm. On BBC1, The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins was watched by 2.99m from 8.05pm. Casualty and The John Bishop Show managed 3.68m and 3.3m respectively. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat drew an audience of 1.44m. Pinewood: Eighty Years of Movie Magic took 1.28m in the 9pm hour. Channel Four's broadcast of Anna Karenina averaged four hundred and seventy eight thousand viewers, while on Channel Five, the latest Big Brother lowlights managed six hundred and forty eight thousand. ITV3's Foyles War topped the multichannels with six hundred and eighty eight thousand from 9pm. Sky Sports 1's coverage of the Champions League final attracted four hundred and ninety seven thousand from 6pm.



The BBC's hopes of persuading James May and Richard Hammond to return to Top Gear'may founder on disagreements over how the show would work without Jeremy Clarkson' according to yet another Gruniad Morning Star article about the programme. Well, there's a 'y' in the day so it's only to be expected. BBC2 executives have allegedly, made a multimillion-pound bid to persuade the two presenters to front the motoring show when it returns with a Have I Got News For You-style guest host replacing Jezza. But 'it is understood' - by the Gruniad if not by anyone that actually matters - that no agreement has been reached about how the show would (or could) work without Clarkson in its new format. BBC2 controller Kim Shillinglaw, who has previously said that 'conversations' with Hammond and May 'are ongoing', faces the challenge of reinventing the show without its star presenter when it returns to BBC2 next year. Both May and Hammond appeared to have ruled themselves out of returning without Clarkson, with media attention focusing on speculation about whom Shillinglaw would find to replace them. But, over the last week or so, it now appears that the BBC has approached both Hammond and May in the hope of persuading them to return to the show alongside a different guest presenter each week. The Gruniad states that it also 'understands' the talks have so far failed to resolve how the show would work in Clarkson’s absence, with May previously suggesting that the format would be 'lame' with 'a surrogate Clarkson.'A guest presenter would at least save the BBC the trouble of finding a permanent replacement, and open the door for a Clarkson return at some point in the future. But, disagreements have remained over how the show would work. 'The BBC was very keen to do something, even as an interim measure [with Richard and James], but they have been unable to think of a way of doing it that would work credibly and that everyone would be happy about,' an alleged, though anonymous (and, therefore, probably fictitious) 'source' allegedly snitched to the Gruniad like a dirty stinking Copper's Nark. 'It's a really difficult thing to do. It would be difficult to make a guest host work and the question is whether the show actually needs a substantial rethink and a complete reinvention.' The guest presenter role would echo the set-up on BBC1's panel show Have I Got News For You, which has had a different presenter each week - including, regularly, Clarkson his very self - after the departure of Angus Deayton in 2002. However, the role on Top Gear would appear to be rather more complicated, with the team shooting films over a period of several months rather than a one-off studio recording. Clarkson, Hammond and May held talks with ITV director of television Peter Fincham last month about presenting a rival show on ITV, although they would not be able to take with them the Top Gear name, which belongs to the BBC. They have also been linked with a move to US on-demand service Netflix albeit, again, not by anyone that you'd actually trust. The BBC is thought to have offered May and Hammond about a million smackers each to return to the show, double what they previously earned. May and Hammond returned to the Top Gear studios to record links for footage shelved after Clarkson's suspension earlier this year. The films, the last time the three will be seen together on the BBC for the foreseeable future, will be used in two special editions of the BBC2 show to be broadcast this summer. The pair recorded links and final scenes for the two remaining special shows, in which the threesome will compete against each other in limousines and vintage cars according to the Daily Mirra. An alleged - anonymous and, therefore, probably fictitious - 'source' allegedly said: 'Clearly, Clarkson's absence was referenced but he was not there - not even as a cardboard cut out. The films will be the last chance fans have to see him on Top Gear for a long time, possibly for ever. It is end of an era stuff.' Both men are still in negotiation with the BBC about their future. May is currently working on a BBC2 series about the history of cars, while Hammond has worked on a number of BBC1 projects. Both BBC2 controller Kim Shillinglaw and the BBC's creative director, Alan Yentob, have repeatedly stressed that the door is always open for Clarkson to return to the corporation at some point in the future. The BBC refused to comment on the Gruniad's speculation. Sadly, they didn't tell the middle class hippy Communist gobshites to piss off and mind their own business. Which would have been excellent.

Meanwhile, Jezza Clarkson his very self has actually been back at the BBC this week filming an episode for the next - M - series of Qi. Unless he turns up hosting Have I Got News For You before then, it will be Jezza's first BBC appearance featuring new material since, you know, that incident. The episode in question - Military - also features Jimmy Carr and the great Sheila Hancock on the guest panel and will be broadcast in the autumn. It was one of three episodes recorded this week, the others being Mix & Match, guest-starring James Acaster, Bill Bailey and Jo Brand and Mind with Wor Geet Canny Sarah Millican, first-timer Tommy Tiernan and Josh Widdicombe. The final three of the series' sixteen episodes will be filmed next week.
Comedy line of the week came from an unusual direction, Carol Carter and Keith Watson's write up on Big Brother in Metro: 'We could do the decent thing and ignore this completely. But this is a public service so yes, this exercise in ritual humiliation is still going. This death-throes series has a car-crash appeal: you can see Emma Willis's career go down the pan before your very eyes.' Respect.
Gary Lineker his very self will remain on the BBC for at least another five years. The former England, Leicester City, Spurs and Everton striker has signed a new deal with the corporation that will keep him hosting Match Of The Day, the BBC's Olympics and World Cup coverage and Sports Personality Of The Year among other programmes until 2020. 'I'm thrilled that my relationship with the BBC has been renewed and that I will continue to present Match Of The Day, FA Cup, major football tournaments and Sports Personality Of The Year. I'm already looking forward to getting the 2015-16 season under way,' Lineker said. Philip Bernie, the BBC's head of TV sport, added: 'We are delighted that Gary will continue to front the country's favourite football programme on the BBC, as well as leading our live football coverage. He is the outstanding football presenter of his generation, combining great authority from his very distinguished playing career with wonderful broadcasting instincts and sharpness - making him a true star performer.' Lineker was recently rumoured to be near to signing a deal with BT Sport to host its Champions League coverage alongside his BBC commitments. It has yet to be confirmed whether his new deal with the BBC will allow him to appear on other UK stations. Earlier this year, the BBC announced that its Premier League highlights coverage will continue for at least three more years.

Jason Manford has revealed that the Ordinary Lies cast have signed up for a second series. However, the comedian and actor added that it is 'on the BBC' to decide the future of the drama. The first series premièred in March and also starred Max Beesley, Michelle Keegan and Mackenzie Crook. Manford told the Digital Spy website: 'I knew it was good as soon as I was sent the script, so I knew we had a special show. And then once they filled the rest of the cast and we turned up at the read-through and I saw all the names and faces, I was like "Oh my God, this is going to be great." So, yeah it was really great fun and I was really pleased with it.' Manford went on to speak about the prospect of new episodes, saying: 'As far as a second series is concerned, your guess is as good as mine really. The numbers were good, the reviews are really great. It was trending online, people were talking about it the next day at work, which is what you want, the sort of water cooler chat. And more importantly, we're all contracted to do another series. That's what they do, they sort of sign you up for two series. So it's sort of on the BBC now, it's then whether they want to do it or not.' Manford concluded: 'To me, obviously it feels like a no-brainer, who knows what the weird process is of getting a second series, I have no idea.' Meanwhile, Manford - whom this blogger rather likes, to be honest - has landed himself yet another potentially crappy ITV format (to go with the last half-dozen he's been lumbered with) as he will host the incredibly unoriginal-sounding It's A Funny Old Week on ITV later this year, where he will look at the week's biggest and hidden stories in news, showbiz, culture and sport.

Whinges to Ofcom regarding the stunt dog used in the Britain's Got Toilets final have exceeded a thousand. Yes, dear blog reader, that's one thousand people, at least, with nothing better to do with their sad and sorry lives than whinge about trivial utter bollocks the likes of this nonsense. Makes you think, doesn't it? About ... something. Jules O'Dwyer and her dog Matisse won the talent show on Sunday, but it was later revealed that another dog, yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh, who bloody cares? Fer Christ's sake, people, grow the fek up. A spokesman for Ofcom said - wearily - that it had been contacted by one thousand and forty three disgruntled glakes by Thursday afternoon. The broadcasting watchdog said that the whinges would be 'assessed' before it decided whether to investigate or whether to chuck them into the gutter along with all the other turds. ITV said it had separately received one hundred and sixty five whinges about the show. Both O'Dwyer and Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads have said there was 'no intention to deceive' the audience. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads said 'no one set out to fool anybody' and blamed the 'confusion' of a live show for the 'mix-'up. Speaking on Thursday, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads said: 'I think now the dust has settled a bit we can accept that she won.'Dog trainer Jules O'Dwyer said she had always 'made it clear' that she used a team of dogs. Viewers whinged of being 'misled' - oh, the manifest tragedy - after they voted for Matisse to win. Figures have shown the dog act won by a two per cent margin, getting 22.6 per cent of votes compared with 20.4 per cent for magician Jamie Raven who came second. On Monday, O'Dwyer said that she was 'shocked and surprised' by the reaction, saying she used the second border collie to walk the parallel ropes because Matisse did not like heights. 'I was disappointed when people said I allegedly hid Chase and I was trying to make it [look] like Chase was Matisse. That's not so,' she said. 'I introduced Chase in the semi-final and I said "Chase is Matisse's best mate." Why put the pressure on the dog when I already have another dog who can perform it on television?' ITV's head honcho Peter Fincham has admitted that Britain's Got Toilets should have made the use of a stunt double 'clearer.' Fincham said those who had followed the series would have known O'Dwyer had more than one dog. 'In the audition it was made quite clear this was a dog act with a range of dogs. In hindsight, in the final it would have been better if that was clear.' The show's producers have also apologised: 'We are sorry if this was not made clearer to the judges and the viewers at home during their final performance.' More than thirteen million viewers watched the final, the highest rating for a final since Pudsey the dog won in 2012. A truly shocking indictment on ... whatever.

Here's a look at the trailer for the final episodes of BBC4's latest Scandi-wegian drama series 1864. The final two episodes of 1864 be broadcast on 6 June from 9pm. Reportedly, the most expensive Danish TV series ever made, 1864 stars Pilou Asbæk, Søren Malling and, indeed, most of the rest of the casts of The Killing and Borgen increasing the popular belief that there are only about twenty actors in Denmark but that all of them are really bloody good! The (frankly, shit-weird) eight-parter chronicles the Second Schleswig-Holstein War between Denmark and Prussia and Austria in, you guessed it, 1864.
The great Nichelle Nichols is reported to have suffered a stroke. 'Last night while at her home in LA, Nichelle Nichols suffered from a mild stroke,' her agent Zach McGinnis wrote on Facebook this week. 'She is currently undergoing testing to determine how severe the stroke was. Please keep her in your thoughts.' The eighty two-year-old was hand-picked by Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry to appear in the original 1960s TV series as Uhura. Her casting, of course, broke many racial barriers, with Nichelle becoming the first black woman to share a kiss with a white man (William Shatner) on US television in 1966. Up until that point, African-American actresses had typically been cast in servile roles in TV and movies, playing housekeepers or maids. Fans of Nichelle's Star Trek role reportedly included Doctor Martin Luther King. In an updated post on Facebook, McGinnis reported that Nichelle was 'awake, eating, in good spirits and able to have full conversations. Her right side has shown minor signs or mobility loss but she is not showing any signs of paralyses. We greatly appreciate all of the love and support her fans are showing at this time.' Nichelle went on to star in several Star Trek films, between 1979 and 1991, including The Wrath Of Khan and The Final Frontier. Later in her career, she played the role of Nana Dawson in the 2006 TV show Heroes and made a guest appearance on Futurama alongside fellow Star Trek regular George Takei in 2002. She remains a working actress, and reported last month on Facebook that she had begun filming a sequel to Surge Of Power.

Fifteen To One will return for at least three more series. The revival of the popular Channel Four general knowledge quiz show - on which yer actual Keith Telly Topping once appeared, many years ago - has been commissioned for a total of one hundred more hour-long episodes for daytime. Hosted by Sandi Toksvig, the third series will be broadcast this summer. Channel Four commissioning editor for entertainment Ed De Burgh said: 'Sandi is undoubtedly one of Britain's toughest quiz mistresses, and we are delighted to welcome both her and the show back to the channel for three more series. We look forward to seeing Britain's smartest quiz minds take on the Fifteen To One challenge.' The third and fourth series will be filmed in Glasgow, while series five is planned to shoot in Manchester.

Writer, broadcaster and national treasure Stephen Fry has unveiled a Blue Plaque at the birthplace of one of his literary heroes. The plaque on a house in Wimbledon, celebrates the life and career of the historical novelist Georgette Heyer. Heyer, who died in 1974, was best known for her romantic novels set in the Eighteenth Century which sold in their millions. Stephen, himself a best-selling novelist of course, became a fan of her books during his school days. He said: 'She is a fabulous, witty writer who captured the life and language of Regency England superbly. I am delighted to see her honoured with an English Heritage Blue Plaque.' Heyer's biographer Jennifer Kloester, who proposed Heyer should receive the plaque, said she was 'a perceptive and witty writer.' Kloester said: 'With her Regency novels she created a genre and her readers return to her books time and again for their memorable characters, clever plots and humorous dialogue. Though often self-deprecating, Georgette Heyer actually loved writing and would have been thrilled at being accorded the honour of a Blue Plaque.'
It's been a busy week for Stephen as, in addition to filming three episodes of Qi, he also a lecture in honour of Oscar Wilde at Reading Town Hall on Thursday. Stephen gave the inaugural lecture at the venue organised by the University of Reading. He told the audience at the sold-out event how he 'became obsessed' with Wilde's work after seeing an adaptation of The Importance Of Being Earnest on television as a child. 'He really was a lord of language,' Fry said. 'He spoke to me so clearly.' Wilde was incarcerated in Reading during the 1890s, which inspired his epic poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol. Stephen - who, of course, played Wilde in Brian Gilbert's acclaimed 1997 biopic - visited Wilde's old cell at Reading Prison before he delivered his hour-long lecture, and took questions from the audience. Stephen, who himself served three months in prison aged seventeen for credit card fraud, recalled how reading Wilde's works in his cell led to 'an epiphany' which allowed him to turn his life around. He also read passages from The Ballad Of Reading Gaol and De Profundis, a letter written by Wilde during his imprisonment to his friend and lover Lord Alfred Douglas. Stephen said afterwards: 'I had a wonderful evening giving the University of Reading's inaugural Town Hall Lecture about, amongst other things, my love of Oscar Wilde. I think it is safe to say that I had a much better time in Reading than he did, poor soul.' Stephen is the honorary patron of the Oscar Wilde Society. Reading University's vice-chancellor Sir David Bell said: 'The closure of Reading Prison in December 2013 was a reminder of its iconic role in the town's history. Oscar Wilde and his relationship with the prison therefore seemed a fitting topic to have as our inaugural Town Hall lecture.' Wilde was sentenced to two years hard labour for gross indecency after his affair with Alfred Douglas was exposed in 1895. The Ballad Of Reading Gaol was inspired by his experiences and reflected the brutality of the Victorian prison system. Following his release from prison in 1897, Wilde campaigned against the imprisonment of children and those with mental illnesses.

Britain's top police officer has that said he wanted a new reality series about the Metropolitan police to get away from the cop show clichés of 'macho' commentaries and endless scenes of doors being kicked in. Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, commissioner of the Metropolitan police, is the subject of a BBC fly-on-the-wall documentary series which began this Monday in a prime time slot. Writing in the Gruniad Morning Star, Hogan-Howe says that the series will not be 'a puff piece' for the Met and that Britain's biggest force had not tried to control the content fearing that 'would result in a negative response from the audience.' The documentary series comes at a time of tumult for the Met and British policing. Hogan-Howe said that his force expected to make another fifteen per cent spending cuts by 2020, because of the Conservative government’s austerity programme. That comes on top of the same amount being cut from 2010 to 2015 and fears within the force that a cut of nearly one third in a decade will cause services to suffer, especially without radical reforms. Scandals have blighted its reputation, from undercover police spies duping women and even having children with them, to claims of systemic racial bias and the Plebgate saga, in which officers were sacked for leaking alleged details about the former Tory cabinet minister Andrew Mitchell's conduct towards an officer at the Downing Street gate. As well as criticism from some community groups, the alleged failings have been highlighted by the Home Secretary, James May's sister, as underlining the urgency for police reform. In a piece on why he agreed to give the BBC access to the force, Hogan-Howe said: 'Too often we have been characterised by the failures of a few rather than the successes of the many. We know that the vast majority of those serving in the Met display our values of integrity, courage, compassion and professionalism. We had to be confident that the cameras – if they were truly documenting the Met – would capture that.' He said that the series was the result of the 'the most comprehensive access to the Met that any broadcaster has ever been granted.' Senior Met 'insiders' have, allegedly, already seen the five-part series and such is the force's comfort level with it that a promotional poster for the documentaries was put up this week in the main entrance area at Scotland Yard's Central London headquarters. Hogan-Howe said he wanted the series about the Met to be different to other police shows: 'Often they are after the same thing – cops banging in doors, charging around with their blue lights on and a macho commentary. These can be entertaining and get enough viewers to encourage endless repeats but I feel they are short on the informative side. The easy option would be to avoid granting access to anything more difficult than that. Let's carry on doing shows now and again, usually with the word "cops" in the title, which show arrest after arrest and little else.' He added: 'I can hardly complain that the public are not given the opportunity to understand policing if we don't open up our doors. Ultimately we have to take the responsibility for unlocking that understanding and here was an opportunity.' The publicly funded broadcaster fought off three other programme makers to win access: 'The feeling was the BBC had put the most thought in to how they would capture a 24/7 police service taking four and a half million calls and employing over forty five thousand people.' The first programme is scheduled to feature the case of Mark Duggan as senior officers wait for a verdict from an inquest jury into the 2011 shooting which triggered the worst riots in modern English history. The series comes at a tense time in the relationship between the Met and the media. Top officers have been accused of targeting whistleblowers, reducing the amount they are held to account by the news media and pursuing criminal cases against journalists who have paid public officials for stories. The reforms came after Lord Leveson's inquiry, following the phone-hacking scandal, which called for reforms in police and press relationships. Sir Bernard became commissioner of the Met in 2011. His two predecessors resigned before completing their terms. Sir Ian Blair was ousted in 2008 by Boris Johnson, the mayor of London and in 2011 Sir Paul Stephenson resigned amid the ructions from the phone-hacking scandals and claims the force's leadership was too close to elements of the press.

Joanne Froggatt will lead a new ITV historical drama based on the true story of the notorious serial killer Mary Ann Cotton. The Downton Abbey actress will play the Victorian poisoner in the two-part series. An apparently loving wife and mother, Mary Ann struggled with poverty and caring for her ailing husband and soon became ruthless and wicked woman in pursing her desires and a better life. Her methods left no visible scars on her numerous victims, allowing her to remain unsuspected for a long time in a Victorian society unable to believe that a woman would be capable of such heinous and dastardly crimes. Through a combination of adultery, bigamy, fraud and murder, Mary Ann did make a better life for herself but ran the constant risk of eventually being caught. Which she was. Believed to have murdered up to twenty one people, she was hanged at Durham gaol in 1873 aged forty. And, if you ever see a picture of her, she was considerable less aesthetically pleasing as Joanne Froggatt! ITV's controller of drama Victoria Fea said: 'Dark Angel is an extraordinary and chilling true story. We're delighted to have an actress of Joanne Froggatt's calibre in the lead role. The combination of a tautly written script, an outstanding cast and great producers in World Productions make this a really exciting addition to the ITV drama slate.' Filming on Dark Angel will begin in August in North Yorkshire and County Durham.

Shane Richie is heading to Benidorm. The EastEnders actor will make a guest appearance in the eighth series of the ITV comedy in 2016 and has been spotted filming in the Spanish holiday resort this week. He was photographed wearing a 1980s wig and an animal print shirt as he started work on the show. An alleged ITV 'insider' allegedly confirmed Richie's appearance, saying: 'Yes – Shane Richie arrives at The Solano as one of a selection of fabulous cameo appearances. There's no more to say right now about the character he is playing or what he gets up to. The only way to find out will be to tune in to Benidorm.'

Money left in the will of the late broadcaster Alan Whicker will be used to boost documentary-making in the UK, his estate has announced. Three prizes totalling one hundred grand will be awarded to new film-makers, including one to encourage people aged over fifty to film their first documentary. Whicker, who died in July 2013 aged eighty seven, travelled the globe for more than fifty years making TV programmes. He was best known for presenting Whicker's World from 1959 to 1988. The launch of the awards, aimed at supporting authored documentary storytelling in the UK, was announced at the Sheffield Documentary Festival. As well as encouraging older documentarians, there will also be a prize for the best début film-maker under the age of thirty. After joining BBC television in 1957, Whicker worked on the Tonight programme which saw him presenting a series of offbeat reports from a wide variety of locations. Two years later he started presenting Whicker's World which ran for thirty years, first on the BBC and then ITV. The programme saw him crossing continents covering a bewildering variety of topics. Peter Sellers, Joan Collins, writer Harold Robbins and the Sultan of Brunei were among his famous interviewees along with the notorious Haitian dictator Papa Doc Duvalier. The first winners of the Whicker's World Foundation awards will be announced on the final day of next year's Sheffield Doc Fest.

BBC guidelines on staff tweeting about potentially sensitive news stories are being tightened up following the rogue tweet about an obituary rehearsal that led several major international news organisations to report, wrongly, that Queen Elizabeth had been admitted to hospital. Questions are being asked internally about why some of the usual procedures were not followed for a rehearsal for a so-called Category One royal death, leading to what is believed to be the first leak for years about the BBC's annual run-through of how it would deal with such a sensitive event. Usually the rehearsal is held at a weekend, when fewer staff are at BBC news headquarters in New Broadcasting House. However it is understood that the last one, held earlier this year, ran into technical difficulties, including a mix-up over graphics, leading the BBC's head of newsgathering, Jonathan Munro, to order a rerun. Staff are not usually e-mailed in advance about the rehearsal to avoid leaks. However, on this occasion, Munro warned some staff via e-mail, telling them: 'It is essential that we can rehearse these sensitive scenarios privately. BBC Tours have been suspended, and the blinds from public areas including reception and the media cafe will remain dropped. I'd also ask for your help in refraining from any external conversations and all social media activity about this exercise. Your continued discretion will be greatly appreciated.'However, according to the Gruniad Morning Star who, as usual, were pure dead quick to publish a trouble-making, shit-stirring article about the ensuing fiasco, alleged (though anonymous) 'sources' (or filthy stinking Copper's Narks as they're also known) allegedly say that not all staff were on the mailing list used. This may explain why BBC Urdu reporter Ahmen Khawaja mistakenly sent a tweet saying that the Queen had died, when she discovered coverage of it internally during the rehearsal. Or, it might just be that Khawaja is a gullible glake. She, swiftly retracted the message, saying the Queen was being treated in hospital and then, reportedly, claimed that the tweet had been sent by someone other than herself as 'a prank'. According to BBC obituary procedure radio news guidelines, 'World Service runs its own coverage of a royal death', which may explain why Khawaja did not, it would seem, receive the e-mail. An internal investigation - possibly involving nipple clamps and really mean dogs - under the BBC's disciplinary guidelines and potential disciplinary action has now been launched over the episode, which is, obviously, a considerable embarrassment to the BBC, particular as it occurred in the run up to the negotiations for its royal charter. So, jolly well done, Ahmen. You daft plank. It is understood that BBC news journalists are told in internal guidelines not to tweet about a story referring to the BBC's Category One of public figures – which include the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Charles and the Duke of Cambridge and well as Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads and Cheryl Cole. Probably – until the BBC's official Twitter feed has reported it. The obituary procedure radio guidelines also state: 'It is essential that those responsible for the coverage in the hour or so immediately after the announcement of death, especially of the Monarch and, assuming the death is a natural one, understand that this is not a "breaking story" in the normally accepted sense. If the death was sudden and/or unexpected, the circumstances of the death, as a news story, might well take precedence, at least in the initial coverage. However, it would be expected that the tone would become more reflective as the coverage unfolds. Take a deep breath and do not rush.' According to alleged 'sources', staff are now, allegedly, being 'reminded' about social media guidelines and procedures are 'being tightened up.' Hence, the nipple clamps. Probably. Buckingham Palace denied any suggestion on Wednesday that the monarch is or had been unwell. In an unfortunate coincidence for the BBC that may have compounded the confusion, the Queen was attending King Edward VII's hospital, a private facility in Marylebone, for her annual medical check-up that very day. A BBC spokesman said: 'During a technical rehearsal for an obituary, tweets were mistakenly sent from the account of a BBC journalist saying that a member of the royal family had been taken ill. The tweets were swiftly deleted and we apologise for any offence.'

A BBC investigation has seen evidence that details what happened to the ten million smackers sent from FIFA to accounts controlled by former vice-president the odious LOUSE Jack Warner. The money, sent on behalf of South Africa, was meant to be used for its Caribbean 'diaspora legacy programme.' But documents suggest that the odious Warner instead used the payment for cash withdrawals, personal loans and to launder money. The seventy two-year-old, who has been extremely indicted by the FBI for corruption, denies all claims of wrongdoing. One or two people even believed him. The papers seen by the BBC detail three wire transfers by FIFA. In the three transactions - on 4 January, 1 February and 10 March 2008 - funds totalling ten million bucks from FIFA accounts were received into CONCACAF accounts controlled by Warner. At the time, he was in charge of the body, which governs football in North and Central America and the Caribbean and was strutting around like he owned the place. The money had been promised by South Africa's Football Association for its so-called 'diaspora legacy programme' to 'develop' football in the Caribbean. JTA Supermarkets, a large chain in Trinidad, received four million eight hundred and sixty thousand dollars from the accounts. The money was paid in instalments from January 2008 to March 2009. The largest payment was one million three hundred and fifty thousand wonga paid in February 2008. US prosecutors claim that the money was 'mostly' paid back to Warner in local currency. From the early 1990s, he allegedly 'began to leverage his influence and exploit his official positions for personal gain.' He is also alleged to have bribed officials with plain envelopes each containing forty thousand dollars in cash; when one of the alleged officials allegedly demurred, Warner allegedly said: 'There are some people here who think they are more pious than thou. If you're pious, open a church, friends. Our business is our business.' The BBC gave details of its investigation to Brent Sancho, Trinidad and Tobago's sports minister and a former footballer. He said: '[Mr Warner] must face justice, he must answer all of these questions. Justice has to be served. He will have to account, with this investigation, he will have to answer for his actions.' The documents also show three hundred and sixty thousand dollars of the FIFA money was withdrawn by people 'connected' to Warner. Nearly $1.6m was used to pay the former FIFA vice-president's credit cards and personal loans. The documents show the largest personal loan Warner provided for himself was four hundred and ten thousand dollars. The largest credit card payment was eighty seven thousand dollars. Sancho says he is now 'angry and disappointed. I'm devastated because a lot of that money should have been back in football, back in the development of children playing the sport. It is a travesty. Mr Warner should answer the questions,' he added. Warner is one of fourteen people charged by US prosecutors over alleged corruption at FIFA. The US Justice department alleges that the fourteen - and, others as yet unindicted - accepted bribes and kickbacks estimated at more than one hundred and fifty million dollas over a twenty four-year period. Warner denies all charges of corruption. He resigned from FIFA's executive committee and all other football commitments in 2011 amid allegations that he had bribed his Caribbean associates. He later stepped down as Trinidad and Tobago's security minister amid a, separate, fraud inquiry. A key figure in the deepening scandal, in a recent statement Warner claims that he had given lawyers documents outlining the links between FIFA, its funding, himself and the 2010 election in Trinidad and Tobago. He said that the transactions also included the soon-to-be-former FIFA president Sepp Blatter. 'I will no longer keep secrets for them who actively seek to destroy the country,' he blustered in an address on Trinidadian TV last week entitled 'The gloves are off.' To be replaced, one presumes, by handcuffs. Speaking to his supporters at a rally later the same day, he promised an 'avalanche' of revelations to come. Warner, who faces extradition to the US, was released on bail after handing himself in to police in the Trinidad and Tobago capital Port of Spain last week. He claims that he is 'an innocent scapegoat' who will soon reveal the truth of what happened inside FIFA. And so, dear blog reader, the rats begin to turn on each other and the whole edifice of greed starts to topple and fall. It's gonna be quite a sight, hopefully.

The shadow lack of culture secretary Chris Bryant has said that the BBC and ITV should not pay any money for the rights to broadcast the next two football World Cups until governing body FIFA has been reformed and the bids for hosting the tournaments rerun. Bryant labelled FIFA, football's worldwide governing body, a 'stinking sink of corruption that has polluted everything it has touched.' Which, the vast majority of people who hadn't spent the last twenty years greedily accepting bribes, probably agreed with. The Labour MP - whom this blogger has normally, in the past, had quite a bit of time for, spoke out during culture questions in the House of Commons after the top FIFA executive, Chuck Blazer, admitted bribes were paid to senior officials to vote for two previous World Cups, and the former FIFA vice president, the odious Jack Warner, who is extremely wanted by US authorities, claimed that he would reveal the 'secrets' about the scandal. Bryant said: 'With the news from Chuck Blazer and Jack Warner, is it not increasingly evident that FIFA is a stinking sink of corruption that has polluted everything it has touched? Would it not be wholly inappropriate for any money to pass from the UK broadcasters in respect of the 2018 or 2022 tournaments, unless and until Blatter has actually left, rather than just declared that he is leaving, FIFA is reformed, and the 2018 and 2022 bids rerun?'The lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale replied: 'I share your astonishment that even today the new claims being made by Jack Warner, this whole saga becomes more murky and distasteful by the day.' He added: 'However, if the World Cup goes ahead then I think it would be unfair to tell English fans, and indeed fans of the other home nations if their sides qualify, that they would not be able to watch their sides compete in the World Cup because the broadcasters were not going to purchase the sports rights to cover it. I think it's a separate matter – the important thing is we get this cleared up long before we actually get to the World Cup in 2018.' At which point, sensing he was onto a vote-loser Bryant promptly shat in his own pants, later telling TalkSport: 'I obviously don't want to prevent British people from eventually seeing the World Cup that will get played and I don't want to see, for instance, the women's World Cup not being broadcast in this country. I think that would be absolutely ludicrous.' Bryant said that the ability to withhold the TV rights money was 'one of the few levers that we still have. I'd like to see the two [World Cup bids] rerun.' Well, so would we all mate, but it's probably not going to happen even once Blatter has had his fat arse kicked into the gutter. 'I'd like to see Blatter go, I’d like to see FIFA reformed,' he told the sports station's Hawksbee & Jacobs show. 'It’s not just the UK, all the other European broadcasters who get their rights through the European Broadcasting Union. I think there's a strong argument to say we should make sure no public money, licence fee payer money or in some countries in Europe it's straight from the taxpayer, that no money is going into corrupt pockets.' The BBC and ITV signed a new rights deal with FIFA to broadcast the 2018 and 2022 World Cup finals last year, which included TV, radio and online coverage. The next finals, in 2018, will be the fourteenth consecutive World Cup that has been broadcast free-to-air on BBC and ITV together, dating back to the 1966 competition held in, and won by, England. And, yes, the ball was over the line so shut up.

Meanwhile, the BBC's creative director Alan Yentob has staunchly defended the BBC and the licence fee against mounting Tory criticism in the run-up to charter renewal. Delivering the Charles Wheeler Lecture in London on Thursday, Yentob said: 'There is so much goodwill towards us both at home and abroad. That is not something that we should put at risk and that includes the goodwill of the licence-fee payers themselves. Forty-eight per cent of them think the licence fee is the best way to fund the BBC, up from thirty one per cent a decade ago. That's a huge shift. Just twenty nine per cent want advertising and twenty per cent want a subscription model – something that would forever put the kibosh on our ability to provide something for everyone.' Yentob's defence of the BBC funding model followed comments from new lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale that 'elements' of the licence fee were 'regressive'. The vile and odious rascal Whittingdale has previously questioned the long-term viability of the licence fee, but his comments, in response to a question in parliament from shadow lack of culture secretary Bryant to give 'a little clue as to [his] inclinations' on charter renewal, are the first time he has spoken about the fee since being appointed to the cabinet. Referencing Bryant's own comments on the licence fee from 2005, the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale said: 'I would say I very much agree with him when he observed that elements of the licence fee are regressive because everyone has to pay it and so it falls as a greater percentage of the income on the poorest people.' Yentob is the third BBC executive to publicly defend the BBC and its funding model this last week. On Tuesday, BBC TV director Danny Cohen said that programmes would have to be cut if the corporation was forced to take on the burden of free TV licences for the over-seventy fives or decriminalisation of the licence fee. Later that day the corporation's director of news and current affairs James Harding said that politicians 'from all sides' had 'threatened' the BBC's funding over its erection coverage. Their interventions followed renewed attacks on the corporation from the scum right-wing press. Negotiations over the next BBC charter, which will come into force at the end of 2016, are expected to take place later this year. Yentob used his speech to defend Strictly Come Dancing, which has gone on to be a successful format overseas as well as in the UK, as an example of the BBC keeping to its mission to 'inform, educate and entertain.' He invited odious filth Lord Snooty, the creator of Downton Abbey who has - with no obvious, sick, agenda smeared all over his disgustingly smug mush - been critical of BBC output such as Strictly, to appear on the show. 'There's no doubt it's entertainment, but it is more than that' Yentob said. 'If Lord Fellowes doesn't believe it, perhaps he should put his dancing shoes on and join us for a series. That is a serious offer, Julian.' Yentob also said that the BBC helps Britain to punch above its weight culturally and nurture those who have gone on to become leaders in other parts of British broadcasting. He said: 'I am proud to say if you look at the creative leaders of Sky, ITV, Channel Four, Shine and Endemol, they've all spent time at the BBC and shared our values and our vision – and it seems that we are now a feeder for Apple too, and if global companies like Apple also see the value in BBC skills and know-how then so be it.'

Artem Chigvintsev has hit back at Fern Britton's claims that he 'mistreated' her during her time on Strictly Come Dancing. The pair performed together on the 2012 series of the annual dancing contest, but Britton has now claimed publicly that Chigvintsev used to 'kick and shove' her during training. The professional dancer - who now competes on US counterpart Dancing With The Stars - said: 'Recent statements apparently made by Fern Britton, whilst not reflecting any situation I recognise, are difficult to ignore. I believe I treated Fern with respect and genuine care, and these claims about me are the opposite of everything I believe in and the person I am. I cannot imagine what has prompted such statements which come as a shock to me. I just want to thank all my fans and friends for their support and belief in me.' Despite speaking of their 'strained' relationship, Britton also added that 'it wasn't all bad blood' between them and that they did like one another 'for a moment or two.'

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping has just receive his preview copy of The Scientific Secrets Of Doctor Who by his old BBC books colleague Simon Guerrier and Doctor Marek Kukula. Looks well-tasty from a quick skim through. A full review will follow. Eventually.
The length of yer actual Hadrian's Wall in Cumbria and Northumberland has become a stage for a huge live musical performance. Hundreds of musicians have travelled the wall's seventy three miles using transport including a vintage bus, motorbikes, unicycles and a tractor, passing a baton from performer to performer. Part of the BBC Music Day, the Hadrian's Wall of Sound event began at daybreak in Bowness-on-Solway and finished in Waalsend some fourteen hours later. The Durham-born opera singer Graeme Danby swapped red plush seats and beautiful auditoria for the even more spectacular Cawfield Crag and described himself as 'a lucky man'. Yer acutal Keith Telly Topping's old BBC Newcastle colleague, the sports presenter Simon Pryde - who was dressed for the terrain - took charge of the baton, which Graeme then passed to the Royal Northern Sinfonia Wind Quintet. Fourteen hours after this musical relay began, the crowds waiting for the finale at the excavated Roman fort Segedunum in Waalsend just a mile down the road from Stately Telly Topping Manor were treated to a concert which concluded with an ensemble performance of Pharrell's 'Happy'. What would the Roman's have said? Petra unumquemvis, probably. Because there isn't a Latin translation for 'party on, dudes'. Unless, of course, you know different.
The British sculptor Anish Kapoor has defended a piece of art in the French palace of Versailles which has been called 'dirty' and 'gross'. The installation, called Dirty Corner, sits in the grounds outside the palace. Kapoor said in a French media interview that it signified 'the vagina of the queen coming into power' - but later added that the work was 'open to interpretation.' Which, having seen it, yer actual Keith Telly Topping interprets it as, basically, a geet enormous fanny. Nowt wrong with that, of course. The Versailles palace was the home of Marie Antoinette, the Eighteenth Century queen of France. And, she had one so, you know, what's the problem? The piece has come in for criticism from tight-arsed, repressed individuals and Daily Scum Mail readers (or, the French equivalent), but also praise, by female academics in the French press.
An intruder sneaking into a garden in the dead of night with a view to doing, allegedly, some naughty burglarisation was extremely caught on a camera set up by former Springwatch host Simon King to monitor the activity of urban foxes. Nigel Batton was filmed 'prowling around the property' before, allegedly, breaking into a nearby house, a court has been told. Footage shown to the jury showed a man leaping over the garden fence shortly before 4am then tiptoeing around and trying to open a door. Later, the owner of a nearby property, Daniel McFarlane, disturbed a burglar (queue Paul Merton's joke, 'I had a burglar. I disturbed him. I said "there is no God"'). The burglar left behind a hat, scarf and screwdriver. Nothing was taken from either address, jurors were told so, seemingly, he wasn't a very good burglar. Batton's DNA was found on the hat and scarf. The covert camera was set up by Simon King, who also presents Big Cat Diary on BBC1, to capture footage for a documentary he was making about the life of urban foxes. When the owner of the property noticed the camera had been activated overnight she handed the film to police and it was used in connection with the later burglary in Herne Hill. The footage was uploaded to YouTube by Simon King Wildlife soon after it was filmed in January last year. 'By sheer coincidence, a nearby property had cameras set up in the back garden to record night-time wildlife,' the prosecution said. 'The owner thought there was a good chance she might have caught the burglar on camera. Sure enough, at 3.46am, the cameras could see the burglar coming over her fence. To get to there he must have climbed over a few properties. The burglar has then gone to the neighbouring property where he left a hat and scarf. It is as plain as day the man in the dock is the man on the CCTV.' Batton, of Lewisham, denies burglary and attempted burglary. The trial continues at Woolwich crown court.
A Kazakhstan student has been fined after dressing up as his girlfriend and trying to take an exam in her place. Ayan Zhademov, twenty, was reported 'desperate' to help his seventeen-year-old girlfriend out when she told him she was worried about an upcoming test. The girl, who has not been named, had been preparing for her Unified National Testing, an exam in Kazakhstan which school students must take when finishing school to get into university. Zhademov decided to take her place by donning a black wig, putting on make-up, and wearing her white blouse and grey skirt before sneaking into the exam hall in Zhetisai. But, eagle-eyed exam administrators spotted him and 'took him aside for questioning.' Zhademov's cover was' reportedly, blown when 'he tried speaking in a high voice, but it was obvious that he was a male.' A spokesman for the exam board said: 'We suspected it might be another woman that had taken the candidate's place, but we never suspected it was a man that had taken her place. At least not until he started speaking.' Zhademov was then fined for his actions. But now he has been dubbed 'romantic of the year' by locals and a businessman has stepped into help pay off the fine after being impressed by Ayan's ingenuity. And, the fact that he actually looked quite good dress as a schoolgirl. Fellow student Dariga Nesterova said: 'It was stupid but very romantic. Sometimes love leads us to do silly things, I wish my boyfriend was this romantic.' Another student, Goga Korzhova, said: 'She's lucky to have someone as brave as this, someone who will risk everything for her.' Businessman Olzhas Hudaibergenov who has agreed to pay half of the fine said that he was 'delighted' to see romance was still alive and well in this day and age. He added: 'I suspect that his romantic moves in the future will be more legal.' The girl was told she will have to now wait until next year before taking the exam.

The actor Richard Johnson, whose career spanned film, theatre and TV, has died aged eighty seven, his family has said. With his rugged good looks, Richard made his film début in the 1950s and featured in numerous films, alongside stars such as Frank Sinatra, Laurence Olivier and Charlton Heston. A founder member of what would become the Royal Shakespeare Company, Richard played several lead roles including Romeo and Mark Anthony in Julius Caesar. Later in his career, he also appeared in TV dramas such as Lewis, [spooks], Waking The Dead, Midsomer Murders, Doc Martin, The Member For Chelsea, The Camomile Lawn, The Robinsons, The Bleak Old Shop Of Stuff and Silent Witness. Other TV appearances included Rembrandt in the BBC's Tony-award winning play of the same name and the leading role in Anglo-Saxon Attitudes in 1993, for which he was awarded the Best Actor award by the TV critics' Guild of Television Writers. Richard died after a short illness at the Royal Marsden Hospital in Chelsea. He was born in Upminster in 1927 and he left his training at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art to join Sir John Gielgud's company. He joined the Royal Navy during World War Two and then made his film début in 1959, when he appeared in the MGM film Never So Few, starring Frank Sinatra and Gina Lollobrigida. MGM were, reportedly, pleased with Johnson's work in Never So Few and signed him to a multi-picture deal, hoping to build him into a star. They insisted that a role be written into the screenplay of the biblical epic King Of Kings" for him, although the film was about to start shooting within days. Richard's role - as a character not mentioned in the Bible - took up nearly an hour of screen time, and was then deleted in its entirety before the film reached cinemas. He also appeared in the classic The Haunting (1963) and Khartoum (1966), opposite Laurence Olivier and Charlton Heston. He is, perhaps, most famous,however, for a film role he did not take. Richard was contracted to Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and the contract was one of exclusivity, meaning he was forced to decline a role he was offered by director Terence Young and producers, Albert Broccoli and Harry Saltzman in the first James Bond film, Dr No. The part would end up going to Sean Connery. Richard was, reportedly, Young's choice for the role. He played another classic British spy, Bulldog Drummond, in the rather campy Deadlier Than The Male (1967) and its sequel Some Girls Do (1969). More recent film credits include The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas (2008), Scoop (2006) and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001). Richard's stage career was extensive and distinguished. His early work in the London theatre attracted the attention of the director of the Shakespeare Memorial Theatre (later the RSC). He appeared in many important productions at that theatre in the late 1950s and early 1960s, making notable successes as Romeo, Orlando, Pericles and Mark Antony. In 1958 he appeared in Sir Peter Hall's first production at the theatre, Cymbeline, and the following year in Twelfth Night (as Sir Andrew Aguecheek). Richard was also a talented writer, scripting the original story for the 1975 thriller, Hennessy, in whichhe also starred alongside Rod Steiger and Lee Remick. Throughout his career Richard continued to teach Shakespearean skills to young actors and students. He toured American universities and taught summer schools at RADA. He was appointed to the Council of RADA in 2000 and served as a Council Member of the British Academy of Film and Television Arts in the 1970s. Richard was also the founder of It's a Green Green World, a global listing of environmentally friendly hotels. He is survived by his fourth wife Lynne, whom he married in 2004, and his four children, the renowned board game designer Jervis, the actress Sorel, Jennifer and Nicholas. He met his second wife, the American actress Kim Novak, when the pair starred in the 1965 film The Amorous Adventures of Moll Flanders.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is indebted to his old mate Doug for the following thought for the day: 'Caller to The Danny Baker Show: "Phil Collins, 'You Can't Hurry Love' ... which I don't think he wrote himself." In a single line, everything that is wrong with this country.' Word.
Friday was first time yer actual Keith Telly Topping was back in the pool since the middle of the week before due to back problems - still unresolved and, unlikely to be so in the near-to-middling future. He only went and managed twenty four lengths,didn't he? Well, technically, twenty three and three quarters since one length had to be aborted before the end due to the bloke in front of him swimming really slowly. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping was, he confesses, quite pleased with that effort considering it was just about all arm work, with virtually no movement from below the waist.
Finally, for the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day dear blog reader, isn't it just about high time that we had a righteous bit of the ridiculously under-rated Goodbye Mr MacKenzie doing yer actual Jacques Brel via Scott Walker and The Grand Dame David Bowie her very self on From The North? Thought you'd agree to such a potential scenario. Sing, Martin.

One of this blogger's favourite actors, the great Sir Christopher Lee, has died at the age of ninety three. The veteran actor appeared in many of the world's biggest movie franchises. But, of course, he made his name playing Count Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster and The Mummy in a series of Hammer productions of the 1950s, 60s and 70s and in other British horror movies for a number of different companies. Because, contrary to common belief, Dr Terror's House of Horror, The House That Dripped Blood, Curse Of The Crimson Alter and numerous other British horror movies of that era are not 'Hammer films' despite having Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing in 'em. Sorry, it's just that oft-repeated non-fact is something which really pisses this blogger - the author of a book on the subject - off, big-style. Anyway, where were we ...? Oh yes, Christopher Lee. In total, he appeared in more than two hundred and fifty movies, some of them not very good, admittedly, but many of them outstanding, not least because of Chris's presence in them. At least twenty of them would probably be in any hypothetical thirty or so that this logger would be taking with him to a desert island in the unlikely even that he got banished to such a place and that it had, you know, an electricity supply, a DVD player and a telly. His six foot four inch frame and pointed, if handsome, features often typecast Christopher Lee in villainous roles - including Scaramanga in The Man With The Golden Gun and the evil wizard Saruman in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy. The actor's other credits include the cult 1973 horror movie The Wicker Man which he, personally, considered to be among his favourites the many movies he made. Christopher is reported to have died on Sunday at Chelsea and Westminster hospital after being hospitalised for respiratory problems and heart failure. A Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea council spokesman said: 'We can confirm that the Register Office issued a death certificate for Mr Christopher Lee on Monday 8 June, Mr Lee died on Sunday 7 June.'
'Peter Cushing and I have made so many horror films,' Christopher Lee once famously noted, 'people think we live in a cave together.' Lee and his The Curse Of Frankenstein and Dracula co-star of course became as close friends off-screen as they were frequent enemies on it before Cushing's death in 1994.
A step-cousin (and golfing partner) of the James Bond creator Ian Fleming, Christopher Frank Carandini Lee was born in Belgravia on 27 May 1922 the son of Lieutenant Colonel Geoffrey Trollope Lee (1879–1941), of the Sixtieth King's Royal Rifle Corps and his wife, Contessa Estelle Marie (1889–1981). Chris's father had fought in the Boer War and the First World War and his mother was an Edwardian beauty who was painted by Sir John Lavery as well as by Oswald Birley and Olive Snell and sculpted by Clare Frewen Sheridan. Lee's maternal great-grandfather was an Italian political refugee, whose wife was the English-born opera singer Marie Burgess. Chris had a sister, Xandra Carandini Lee (1917–2002), the mother of the actress Dame Harriet Walter. Chris's parents separated when he was four and divorced two years later. During this period, his mother took Chris and Xandra to live in Wengen in Switzerland. After enrolling in Miss Fisher's Academy in Territet, Chris played his first stage role, as Rumpelstiltskin. The family returned to London, where Lee attended Wagner's private school in Queen's Gate. His mother soon married Harcourt George St-Croix Rose, a banker and the uncle of Ian Fleming. The family moved to Fulham, living next door to the noted actor Eric Maturin. One night, Chris was introduced to Prince Yusupov and Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich, the (alleged) assassins of Grigori Rasputin, whom Lee was to play many years later in Hammer's Rasputin: The Mad Monk. When Chris was nine, he was sent to Summer Fields School, a preparatory school in Oxford many of whose pupils later attended Eton. He continued acting in school plays though, as he would later remember, 'the laurels, deservedly, went to [his classmate] Patrick Macnee.' Chris applied for a scholarship to Eton, where his interview was to prove portentous because of the presence of the noted ghost-story author MR James. Sixty years later, Lee would play the part of James in a series for BBC4. Chris's poor maths skills meant that he missed out on being a King's Scholar by one place. Instead, he attended Wellington College, where he won scholarships in the classics, studying Ancient Greek and Latin. Aside from one 'tiny part' in a school play, Chris didn't act while at Wellington. He was, he would recall, a 'passable' racquets player and fencer and a 'competent' cricketer - a sport he loved all of his life. Forced to abandon his promising academic career at Wellington by the outbreak of war, Chris spent much of the next five year in RAF intelligence and in the SOE. Prior to Britain joining the conflict, the then just eighteen-year-old had already worked alongside the Finnish in their Winter War against the Russians as a volunteer in 1939. Chris was attached to the precursor of the SAS, known as the Long Range Desert Group in North Africa from 1941. He reportedly moved behind enemy lines, destroying Luftwaffe aircraft and fields, until he was seconded to the army and served with a Gurkha regiment. Following his work with the LRDG, and owing in part to his language skills and favourable impression with senior officers, he was assigned to the Special Operations Executive, conducting reconnaissance in occupied Europe and tracking down suspected Nazi criminals. 'We were given dossiers of what they'd done and told to find them, interrogate them as much as we could and hand them over to the appropriate authority. We saw these concentration camps. Some had been cleaned up. Some had not,' he said in 2009. 'When the Second World War finished I was twenty three and already I had seen enough horror to last me a lifetime.' But, he seldom talked about his wartime experiences, famously answering most questions with the witty retort 'can you keep a secret? So can I!' On another occasion he noted: 'I was attached to the SAS from time to time but we are forbidden – former, present, or future – to discuss any specific operations. Let's just say I was in Special Forces and leave it at that. People can read in to that what they like.' Returning to London in 1946, Chris was offered his old job back at Beecham's pharmaceutical, with a significant raise, but he turned them down as 'I couldn't think myself back into the office frame of mind.' The Armed Forces were sending veterans with an education in the Classics to teach at universities, but Chris felt that his Latin was too rusty for such a role and didn't care for the strict curfews of academic life. Having lunch with his cousin, Nicolò Carandini, now the Italian Ambassador to Britain, Chris was detailing his war wounds when Carandini reportedly said: 'why don't you become an actor, Christopher?' Despite his mother’s mistrust of showbusiness ('Think of all the appalling people you will meet' she allegedly once told him), that's what he did. His screen career began when he joined the Rank Organisation in 1947, training as an actor in their so-called 'charm school' on a seven year, multi-movie contract. His early roles included two in movies which also featured Peter Cushing, Hamlet and John Huston's Moulin Rouge. Chris recalled that his breakthrough came in 1952 when Douglas Fairbanks Junior began making films at the British National Studios. Chris said in 2006, 'I was cast in various roles in sixteen of them and even appeared with Buster Keaton and it proved an excellent training ground.'
However, it was his association with the British studio Hammer which made him a household name, playing characters such as Frankenstein's Monster, The Mummy and Dracula from the late 1950s onwards. Chris took on his most famous role, the Count his very self, in seven movies between 1957 and 1973, some of them very good (Dracula, Dracula Prince Of Darkness, Dracula Has Risen From The Grave, Taste The Blood Of Dracula), some of them pretty wretched (Scars Of Dracula) and one of them so bad it's utterly brilliant (Dracula AD 1972). Christopher brought a new dimension to Bram Stoker's creation, playing the Count as a smouldering Byronesque sexual predator, biting his way through the necks of a seemingly endless parade of Hammer's usually well-endowed starlets. He also starred, playing very much against type in, for once, a heroic role as the Duc de Richleau in The Devil Rides Out, based on Denis Wheatley's novel. Chris himself had persuaded Hammer to make the movie and many critics - this blogger included - consider it to be one of the studio's finest moments. Then again, yer actual Keith Telly Topping is also a sucker for Dracula AD 1972 so, what do I know?!
In 1973, Chris appeared as the laird of a pagan Scottish island community in The Wicker Man, a low budget musical horror which has since become a cult classic. 'It's the best performance I believe I've ever given because the part was specifically written for me by the very distinguished Anthony Schaffer,' Chris recalled. Again, many agreed with him.
Never as comfortable with horror typecasting as his friend Cushing, Chris nevertheless attempted as early as possible to make a parallel career for himself as a versatile character actor equally at home in numerous different genres. See, for instance, his sinisterly comic turn as Mycroft in Billy Wilder's superb The Private Lives Of Sherlock Holmes (1970), another movie that has become something of a cult favourite and which has been a huge influence on Moffat and Gatiss's Sherlock.
Christopher married his wife, the Danish model Brigit Krøncke, in 1961 and the couple had a daughter, Christina, two years later. He appeared on the cover of Paul McCartney & Wings's 1973 LP Band On The Run and was a classic James Bond villain opposite another of his good friends, Roger Moore, in The Man With The Golden Gun a year later. His cousin, Fleming, reportedly suggested Christopher to play the eponymous Dr No in first Bond movie a decade earlier but producer Cubby Broccoli - who had worked with Chris before on the acclaimed 1950s war movie The Cockleshell Heroes - considered that he wasn't a big enough name in America and the role went to Joseph Wiseman instead. Chris said of his performance in The Man With The Golden Gun, 'In Fleming's novel he's just a West Indian thug, but in the film he's charming, elegant, amusing, lethal. I played him like the dark side of Bond.'
An educated, erudite man, fluent in several languages, Chris relocated to California in the 1970s. From then onwards a new generation of movie-makers, many of whom grew up watching Lee's Hammer and Amicus films, queued-up to work with him in Hollywood; Steven Spielberg (1941), Joe Dante (Gremlins 2: The New Batch) and Tim Burton (Sleepy Hollow) being the most obvious examples. Christopher also worked with Burton on Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (2005), Alice In Wonderland (2010), in which he voiced The Jabberwocky and Dark Shadows (2012). A measure of his popularity across the Atlantic came when he hosted Saturday Night Live, watched by thirty five million Americans. And, he proved he was no slouch when it came to comedy, notably in the improbable role of a gay Hell's Angel in the film Serial. More in demand during his eighties than ever, Chris was honoured with a CBE in 2001. He was knighted in 2009 for services to drama and charity and was awarded a BAFTA fellowship in 2011. Many felt he should have had one years earlier. His autobiography, Lord Of Misrule, was published in 2003. 'One should try anything one can in a career,' he wrote. 'Except folk dancing and incest.'
He was proud to note that he was the only member of the cast and crew of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy to have actually met JRR Tolkien, and he performed most of his own light sabre stunts in Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones. Which was pretty impressive, considering that he was seventy nine at the time of filming.
Christopher's extraordinary movie CV also includes (deep breath) his début in 1948's Corridor Of Mirrors, Valley Of Eagles, Quo Vardis, Police Dog, Hammer's The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Amicus's Dr Terror's House of Horror, The House That Dripped Blood, The Skull and Scream, & Scream Again, Scott Of The Antarctic, Babes In Baghdad, Powell and Pressburger's Ill Met By Moonlight, Bitter Victory, Beat Girl, Corridor Of Blood, The Terror Of The Tonga, The Man Who Could Cheat Death, The City Of The Dead, The Hands Of Orlac, The Gorgon, The Face Of Fu Manchu (and three sequels), The Pirates Of Blood River, Theatre Of death, Storm Over The Nile, Night Of The Big Heat, Curse Of The Crimson Alter, The Oblong Box, The Magic Christian, I, Monster, Julius Caesar, Death Line, Nothing But The Night, The Creeping Flesh, Horror Express, Richard Lester's The Three Musketeers (and its sequels), To The Devil … A Daughter, Airport ’77, Hannie Caulder, Circle Of Iron, The House Of Long Shadows, Meatcleaver Massacre, the memorably awful Charles & Diana: A Royal Love Story (as Prince Philip!), the superb Jinnah, The Return Of Captain Invincible, Howling II, The Golden Compass, Glorious 39, Burke & Hare, Season Of The Witch, Tale Of The Mummy, Necessary Evil and about two hundred others. In 2011, he returned to Hammer with a role in the Hilary Swank thriller The Resident although he generally tended to avoid the horror genre in his later years (with a couple of notable exceptions). 'There have been some absolutely ghastly films recently, physically repellent,' he said when asked his thoughts on the genre. 'What we did was fantasy, fairy tales - no real person can copy what we did. But they can do what Hannibal Lecter does, if they're so inclined, people like Jeffrey Dahmer and Dennis Nilsen, and for that reason, I think such films are dangerous.' On his career in general, he told the BBC News website: 'I've appeared in so many films that were ahead of their time - some of them were very good. Some weren't!' Christopher reportedly turned down the role of Doctor Loomis in John Carpenter's Halloween during a period when he was trying to steer clear of the genre (the role was subsequently played by another of his old friends, Donald Pleasance). Christopher later said it was one of his biggest career regrets. He also once confessed that he turned down a role in Airplane!, something which he also regretted. Despite the wide variety of films he made, however, Chris never really managed to shake off the shadow of Count Dracula and always expressed his - rather endearing - tetchiness when interviewers or fans tried to define his career using just that one role. 'People sometimes come up to me,' he once said, 'and they say, "I've seen all your films, Mr Lee." And I say, "Oh no you haven't!"'
Although primarily a film actor, Chris did make the occasional forays into television, appearing in The Avengers (twice), Space: 1999, Charlie's Angels, Ivanhoe, The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, Colonel March Of Scotland Yard, The Far Pavilions, The Morecambe & Wise Show, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, The Tomorrow People and Gormenghast.
Christopher still has one film yet to be released, the fantasy movie Angels In Notting Hill, where he reportedly plays a godly figure who looks after the universe. He was also due to star in the Danish 9/11 drama The Eleventh opposite Uma Thurman but it is believed that the film has not yet started production. A lover of opera, Sir Christopher launched his singing career in The Wicker Man and then, in the 1990s, released a CD of Broadway tunes, including 'I Stole The Prince' from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Gondoliers and 'Epiphany' from Sweeney Todd. He also enjoyed an unlikely heavy metal career. Having collaborated with bands like Manowar and Rhapsody of Fire, in 2010, his CD Charlemagne: By The Sword & The Cross won a 'Spirit of Metal' Award from Metal Hammer magazine. He marked his ninety second birthday by releasing a CD of heavy metal cover versions, A Heavy Metal Christmas. His 2013 single 'Jingle Hell' entered the Billboard Hot One Hundred at number twenty two, which made him, by a distance, the oldest living artist to ever have a chart hit. Contrary to popular belief, Chris did not have a vast library of occult books. When giving a speech at the University College Dublin in November 2011, he said: 'Somebody wrote I have twenty thousand books. I'd have to live in a bath! I have maybe four or five [occult books].' He further admonished the students against baneful occult practices, warning them that he had met 'people who claimed to be Satanists. Who claimed to be involved with black magic. Who claimed that they not only knew a lot about it,' however he himself had never been involved: 'I warn all of you: never, never, never. You will not only lose your mind, you'll lose your soul.'
In an interview in 2013, Chris spoke about his love of acting. 'Making films has never just been a job to me, it is my life,' he said. 'I have some interests outside of acting – I sing and I've written books, for instance – but acting is what keeps me going, it’s what I do, it gives life purpose.'

The BBC have announced that Sarah Dollard has written - the as yet untitled - episode ten of the forthcoming series of Doctor Who. The episode has just starting filming on location in Cardiff this week and will be directed by Justin Molotnikov and will see the return of Joivan Wade as the character Rigsy who last appeared in the series eight story Flatline. Sarah has previously written for The Game, Being Human and Neighbours. She was also script editor on episodes of Primeval and Merlin. She commented: 'Getting to play in the Doctor Who toy box is a dream come true. It’s a total honour to contribute to a show that has brought me such joy as a fan. However, writing for Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman has presented a serious problem: some days I've been too excited to actually sit down and type.'
Love Capaldi's new darza purple threads, incidentally. Superstylish.
The Doctor returned to his Big Fek-Off Rock God roots this week when yer actual Peter Capaldi was filmed channelling his inner guitar hero. This clip was posted online by Robin Banksy featuring the former Dreamboys front-man laying down some serious riffs in a Cardiff music shop on a rather tasty-looking Gretsch (it's a G5435T if this blogger is not mistaken). Play that funky gee-tar, Time Lord. And, it's only right and proper this blogger should mention that his old mate Rob Francis came up with, by a million miles, the best caption for the following photo: Doctor Who axed!
The new series of Doctor Who will apparently begin broadcasting sometime in September. Responding to a fan's enquiry on Twitter about when the popular long-running family SF drama will return to our tellybox screens, producer Nikki Wilson confirmed that 'we'll be back in September.' Wilson also wrote: 'Doctor Who is even bigger and better this year.'
The always reliable and accurate Daily Scum Mail reported earlier in the week that the even more reliable and trustworthy Sun was reporting yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch was to receive a CBE in the birthday honour's list, announced late on Friday. For services to exports, presumably. The claims came complete with suspiciously anonymous alleged quotes from an alleged 'insider.' Sir Jonathan Stephens, chair of the Honours Committee, said he was 'very disappointed' by the stories. 'We made a number of changes to tighten up procedure and to tighten up access and we'll obviously be looking to learn lessons again from the experience this time,' he said. 'Sometimes, of course, the leaks are inaccurate, so we treat it very seriously.'
In the event, of course, Benny was, indeed, honoured along with various others in the acting community - Kevin Spacey, Lenny Henry (for services to 'not being funny since 1983' probably), Eddie Redmayne, Martin Clunes, Lesley Manville and Chiwetel Ejiofor - and, wonderfully, the Lord Thy God Steven Moffat who got an OBE. For, you know, services to TARDISes and deerstalkers and that. Thoroughly well deserved and extra specially brilliant because it's something else which will likely piss off The Special People till they gurn. And, one can never have too much of that. Is it too much to hope however that, in future times, Steven will also be made an earl. Then, he'll be an earlobe. (Yes, it is an old Goodies joke, whaddya want, original material?) The Moffat's predecessor, Big Rusty Davies, was awarded an OBE in 2008.
Anyway, Benedict Cumberbatch (CBE) and his wife, Sophie Hunter, became parents of a baby boy on the very day that Benny's honour was announced. A spokesman for the couple, who married earlier this year, said that they were 'delighted to announce the arrival of their beautiful son.' The Sherlock actor and his theatre director wife met when they appeared together in the 2009 film Burlesque Fairytales. If you've never seen it, don't worry, you didn't miss much. They have kept their relationship away from the glare of the media and were rarely seen or photographed together before their engagement, which was announced with a notice in The Times. The couple married in a private ceremony with family and close friends on the Isle of Wight on Valentine's Day this year.
Achtung, fandom. BBC Worldwide have announced that yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self will visit Germany this summer for 'a special fan event' in Berlin on Friday 17 July. The event will offer German fans the opportunity to see the actors for the first time in Germany. Last year's World Tour did not include any European cities outside of the UK on the list of destinations. Yer man Capaldi said: 'So many German fans have already reached out to me about the show and I'm delighted to be travelling to their country to find out first hand why they love Doctor Who.'
Game Of Thrones was, again, a ratings hit for Sky Atlantic on Monday according to overnight figures. The penultimate episode of the fantasy drama's fifth season was watched by 1.09m at 9pm - a superb figure for a non-terrestrial channel - as dramatic events unfolded for characters including Daenerys Targaryen. Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi's rotten ITV sitcom Vicious lost more than seven hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's opening episode, bringing in but 2.26m at 9pm. Elsewhere on the channel, Johnny Kingdom's Wild Exmoor interested 2.60m at 8pm, whilst Off Their Rockers continued with a truly risible 1.47m at 9.30pm. On BBC1, Nigel Slater: Eating Together averaged 2.78m at 7.30pm, before GM Food: Cultivating Fear pulled in a really not very good at all 1.68m at 8.30pm, and The Met: Policing London gathered 3.35m at 9pm. Which was, shockingly, the evening's biggest overnight audience, soaps aside. BBC2's The Wonder Of Dogs appealed to 1.08m at 7pm. Springwatch followed with 2.42m at 8pm. Japan: Earth's Enchanted Island was seen by 2.59m, besting Vicious in the same slot, while Episodes continued with eight hundred and forty thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's Dispatches had an audience of nine hundred and thirty thousand punters at 8pm, before Gadget Man interested eight hundred thousand at 8.30pm and Kevin McCloud's Escape To The Wild was watched by 1.88m at 9pm. Man Down followed with seven hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, seven hundred and ninety nine thousand viewers watched Inside Manchester's Midland Hotel, while Big Brother stayed just above the million mark with 1.05m at 10pm. ITV2's case study for every single thing that is wrong with television and, indeed, society in the Twenty First Century, Love Island remained consistent with its second episode ratings four hundred and twenty five thousand sad, lost victims of a world in chaos. On E4, the final episode of Revenge was seen by two hundred an three thousand at 8pm.

BBC1's The Syndicate dominated the overnight ratings outside of the soaps on Tuesday. The drama continued with 5.15m at 9pm, while Fox Wars interested 1.90m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, coverage of the Women's World Cup appealed to 1.47m at 5.30pm. The match, in which France beat England 1-0, had a five-minute peak of 2.4 million, more than a million ahead of the 1.3 million high for the BBC's coverage of the European Championships two years ago. The World Cup has also been pulling in an average of more than half-a-million viewers on BBC3. The channel's coverage of Germany’s 10-0 demolition of Côte d'Ivoire on Sunday had an impressive five hundred and twenty three thousand viewers. BBC2's Springwatch brought in 2.31m at 8pm and An Hour To Save Your Life averaged 1.61m at 9pm. Rev followed with five hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. ITV's A Great Welsh Adventure With Mad Shouty Griff Rhys Jones was watched by 1.77m at 7.30pm, Me & My Guide Dog interested 1.98m at 8pm and The Enforcers gathered 1.76m at 9pm on a night in which three primetime ITV factual shows in row couldn't manage to break the two million barrier. One imagines the advertisers were thrilled by that. On Channel Four, Running The Shop brought in 1.13m at 8pm and No Offence had an audience of 1.09m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Blinging Up Baby attracted seven hundred and sixty eight thousand at 9pm while Big Brother continued with 1.08m at 10pm. ITV2's Love Island lost one hundred thousand viewers for its third episode, with three hundred and twenty three thousand which does, rather, restore ones faith in humanity. But, only slightly. E4's US import Empire was watched by three hundred and thirty eight thousand at 9pm.

The BBC's much-trailed The Interceptor launched with an overnight audience of over three-and-a-half million viewers on Wednesday evening. Which, is just about average for a new drama these days. The new BBC1 crime thriller starring OT Fagbenle and yer actual Trevor Eve attracted an average audience of 3.74m at 9pm. Including yer actual Keith telly Topping who thought it was quite interesting and watchable although hardly reinventing the wheel. Earlier, DIY SOS topped the night overall across all channels with 4.38m at 8pm. BBC2's Springwatch appealed to 2.00m at 8pm, followed by the new documentary series Napoleon with 1.11m at 9pm. On ITV, The Cube had an audience of 2.66m at 8pm. Long Lost Family brought in 3.66m at 9pm. Channel Four's Auction House was watched by nine hundred and thirty seven thousand punters at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours In A&E was seen by 1.63m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Animals Make You Laugh Out Loud had five hundred and fifty thousand viewers totally failing to laugh out loud or anything even remotely like it at 8pm, followed by Caught On Camera with five hundred and eighty seven thousand at 9pm and the latest episode of crass Victorian freak show Big Brother with 1.01m at 10pm. Sky1's Strike Back continued with two hundred and eighty nine thousand at 9pm, while ITV2's Love Island was seen by three hundred and fifty one thousand at 9pm.

The Big Bang Theory and Big Brother both held relatively steady ratings on Thursday night according to overnight data. However, both shows were down slightly on their respective audiences from the previous week. The Big Bang Theory's latest episode, The Maternal Combustion had an audience of nine hundred and twenty six thousand punters at 8.30pm on E4. Although Big Brother was down approximately fifty thousand viewers on Wednesday night's figures, the audience of nine hundred and fifty two thousand at 9pm was up slightly against the corresponding overnight figures week-on-week. On BBC1, The ONE Show, with guest Pete Waterman, was the top-rated programme outside of soaps with 3.38m at 7pm, followed by an audience of 3.16m for Watchdog at 8pm. The Truth About Your Teeth saw its audience fall from the previous week with 2.16m at 9pm, while 2.05m watched Question Time at 10.35pm. BBC2's Springwatch attracted 2.25m at 8pm. Meanwhile, 2.11m tuned in at 9pm for the first episode of the new drama series Stonemouth, based on one of Iain Banks's last novels. Mock The Week returned to an audience of 1.31m at 10pm. And, God, it looked tired. Tonight had an audience of to 2.1m on ITV at 7.30pm, followed by 2.17m for Big Box Little Box at 8.30pm. Britain's Busiest Airport - Heathrow was watched by 2.8m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Domino's Pizza: A Slice Of The Action drew nine hundred and fourteen thousand viewers, while The Tribe had 1.42m at 9pm. Love Island was up slightly night-on-night with three hundred and fifty seven thousand at 9pm, while Germany and Norway's 1-1 draw in the Women's World Cup brought fur hundred and sixty eight thousand to BBC3 from 8.30pm.

The BBC has released a preview of the final Top Gear footage to feature Jeremy Clarkson. Until he returns to the show in eighteen months time after the next couple of series have proved to be ratings disasters without him. Possibly. BBC2 offered the first glimpse of the previously unseen footage this week, along with the announcement that it will be included in a special ninety-minute episode to be broadcast in the near future. 'Three men (and The Stig). Two films. One more episode. Top Gear. Coming soon,' the BBC tweeted. Over last weekend - because there was a 'y' in the day, obviously - the press were full of Top Gear stories after Chris Evans, during an appearance on Channel Four's Sunday Brunch, fuelled rumours that he could replace Clarkson by revealing to host Tim Lovejoy that he would be making 'a secret Top Gear film' with an independent company. 'It's not secret any more' noted Lovejoy. Of course, every newspaper that's ever held fish and chips (like, for instance, the Gruniad Morning Star who seem incapable of letting a day go by without publishing somethingTop Gear-related) immediately splashed this 'exclusive' with all the hurried excitement of a small child that had just shat in their own pants. Despite the fact that Top Gear is wholly owned by the BBC and no 'independent company' would have the right to make 'a Top Gear film' or anything even remotely like it. The announcement was subsequently mocked on social media by Clarkson and his Top Gear co-presenters Richard Hammond and James May, before confirmation emerged that what Evans had actually filmed was a comedy spoof for the revival of Evans's TFI Friday and that his comments had been merely a bit of calculated self-publicity. Which worked fantastically well, let it be noted. Clarkson also appeared in the film, making this his first television appearance since his Top Gear contract expired, having previously cancelled plans to appear on Have I Got News For You. (He has since filmed an appearance on the BBC's Qi although that won't be shown until the autumn.)
And, speaking of Qi, the final three episodes of the M series were filmed in London this week. None of the episodes have yet had their titles announced. The first will feature regular guest te great Bill Bailey, first timer Jenny Eclair and yer actual Johnny Vegas, the second has that bloody weirdo Noel Fielding (who, to be fair, was rather good in his previous appearance on the show last year), the always excellent Rhod Gilbert making his first appearance on the show and Cariad Lloyd and the last episode also features Fielding along with Eddie Kadi and Wor Geet Canny Sarah Millican. All of which is thoroughly excellent news because it means that awful, odious, smug, irksome, unfunny arsehole and lanky, rancid streak of worthless piss Jack Whitehall will not be appearing in any Qi episodes this series and, as a consequence, ruining this blogger's favourite panel show. Good. It seems that the Qi producers may have taken notice of this blogger's impassioned and heartfelt plea last year on the very subject of not giving the worthless full-of-his-own-importance twonk Whitehall airtime on my favourite shows. All sixteen episodes of the M series are now complete and will be broadcast on BBC2 in the autumn.
TFI Friday's anniversary special attracted an overnight audience of over three million. Chris Evans and guests including Tom Daley, Shaun Ryder, Liam Gallagher, Lewis Hamilton and Jezza Clarkson were watched by 3.35m on Friday - the highest-rated primetime programme outside of soaps and news bulletins across all channels. Elsewhere in Channel Four's schedule, Marvel's Agents of SHIELD concluded with six hundred and twenty one thousand at 8pm, with eight hundred and thirty one thousand watching Alan Carr's Chatty Man at 11pm. The Greg Davies sitcom Man Down had three hundred and seventy thousand at midnight. On Channel Five, 1.13 million sad, crushed victims of society watched a 'fake' eviction episode on Big Brother at 9pm. BBC1's primetime opened with 3.1m for The ONE Show at 7pm. A Question of Sport drew 2.7m afterwards at 7.30pm. An ancient episode of The Vicar of Dibley was watched by 1.91m people with, seemingly, nothing better to do with their lives at 8.30pm, with 2.09m tuning in for a repeat of New Tricks. The Graham Norton Show, with guests including Mark Wahlberg and Seth MacFarlane, was seen by 2.68m at 10.35pm. On ITV, Gino's Italian Escape attracted 2.38m at 8pm, followed by 1.67m for an old episode of Doc Martin at 9pm. Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi's sitcom Vicious continued with five hundred and ninety seven thousand at 10.40pm. BBC2 started the evening with an audience of 1.11m for Japan: Earth's Enchanted Islands at 7pm, with 2.07m tuning in at 8pm for Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites. Gardener's World had an audience of 2.12m at 8.30pm, with 1.45m for Kate Humble: Living With Nomads at 9pm. The Clare Balding Show - featuring an appearance from Paul Gascoigne - drew seven hundred and sixty thousand at 10pm.

Prized Apart kicked off its first series with more than three million overnight viewers on Saturday evening. The BBC1 'adventure game show' drew 3.09m between 7pm and 8.05pm. Although, how many of those will be back next week judging from the plight of the opening episode is a question, perhaps, best left for another day. The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins followed with 3.93m. Casualty and The John Bishop Show averaged 3.87m and 2.78m respectively. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat appealed to 1.35m, before The Royal Academy Summer Exhibition was watched by seven hundred and eighty five thousand in the 9pm hour. On ITV, an airing of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey managed 2.95m from 7pm. Channel Four's The Nineties: Ten Years That Changed The World was seen by 1.06m from 9pm. On Channel Five, the latest Big Brother'highlights' (and, this blogger uses that word quite wrongly) averaged seven hundred and ninety one thousand in the 9pm hour. The multichannels ratings were topped by the Women's World Cup match, as 1.21m saw England beat Mexico 2-1 in the group stage from 8.30pm.



Here's a thought for you, dear blog reader, Wednesday of this week was 10 June 2015, the day that Marty McFy travelled forward to in Back To The Future II. It's therefore official, we now live in the future. So, where the hell are my hoverboard and jet-pack? We've been robbed.
A maximum bonus payout saw the chief executive Channel Four earn eight hundred and fifty five thousand smackers last year, almost twice as much as the head of the BBC and six times the annual salary of the Prime Minister. The total pay for David Abraham went up by sixteen per cent despite the main channel's audience share falling to just under six per cent of total viewing, the lowest share C4 has had since 1984, the channel's second full year on air. The size of the bonus forced Lord Burns, in his last year as C4 chairman, to defend the maximum payouts because the broadcaster had achieved 'creative excellence and commercial stability' in 2014, a year in which Gogglebox, The Island and Complicit had won critical acclaim. if not even remotely decent audience figures. 'After careful consideration the remuneration committee and board agreed [the payouts] following an exceptional performance,' Mister Burns said. While the broadcaster was garlanded with awards for shows such The IT Crowd, it reported a surplus of just three million knicker on increased revenues of nine hundred and thirty eight million notes after two years recording annual deficits. Damian Green, one of four Tory MPs standing as possible replacement for the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale on the Commons culture media and sport select committee, said: 'Channel Four management needs to be sensitive at a time when the future of the channel is clearly under review.' The BBC's Director General, Tony Hall, received total pay of four hundred and fifty grand, for running an organisation with four times the revenues of Channel Four's and a far bigger creative output. David Cameron has earned one hundred and forty two thousand smackers a year since becoming Prime Minister, according to Cabinet Office figures. In a statement, David Abraham said: 'Strong growth in revenues has enabled us to meet our break-even target and we have been able to launch a number of innovations to support the future sustainability of Channel Four's not-for-profit model.' The bonus payouts will do little to quell speculation that the state-owned but commercially funded broadcaster could be privatised by the government, which is hoping to raise an estimated one billion wonga. But, executive pay at Channel Four has caused less media outrage in the past than high BBC salaries because the broadcaster is funded by advertisements. And, because whinging about Channel Four doesn't sell as many copies of the Daily Scum Mail and the Torygraph as whining about the BBC for some reason. Abrahams and Jay Hunt received maximum bonus of thirty per cent of their gross salary in bonuses. The broadcaster's chief creative officer Hunt also received a maximum bonus to earn five hundred and eighty one thousand smackers in 2014, an increase of seventeen per cent overall. In defending his pay, Abrahams, claimed that total remuneration was 'level with the commercial marketplace', adding that executive pay was 'less than it was.' Whatever that means. In 2009, the year before Abrahams was appointed, total boardroom pay reached a high water mark of four million knicker after former chief executive Andy Duncan walked away with nearly one and ah half million quid for his last year in post. Total remuneration for Channel Four's top four executives including sales executive Jonathan Allan and communications director Dan Brooke this year reached £2.35m. A total of four hundred and seventy eight thousand knicker was paid out in bonuses, more than double the two hundred and twenty one thousand smackers paid out in 2013. Citing Googlebox as an idea 'few thought would be a success', Hunt claimed that the broadcaster's 'unique structure' allowed it to back 'innovative' shows. 'One of the luxuries of being not for profit [is that] you can take more risks because you're not worrying about the bottom line.' Abrahams said the channel's continued existence as a public service broadcaster was 'vital' for the creative economy and that it would not be impossible to provide such television if the broadcaster was purely commercial. Asked about the possibility of privatisation, Lord Burns, the author of an influential report into BBC funding in 2004, said: 'We are owned by the government and that is an issue for the government,' adding, 'we have always said that not-for-profit nature of Channel Four is the most crucial aspect of being owned by the public sector.' Since its foundation by the first Thatcher government in 1982 there have been infrequent attempts to fund part of Channel Four's output with some licence fee money, attempts always rejected outright by government's of both persuasions. Ahead of BBC's charter renewal negotiations this year, Abraham said commercial support was vital. 'Editorial independence and self sufficiency is very important to us. We are not looking for a handout.' Well no, mate, you've just been paid more money than most of your viewers will get in their lifetime, I can see you're not short of a bob or two. The vile and odious rascal Whittingdale, the right-wing lack of culture secretary, has recently met senior executives at Channel Four. In an answer to questions raised in the House of Lords a junior member of his ministerial team said there were no 'current plans' to privatise Channel Four, a statement which will do little to quell speculation amid reports that the Treasury is 'running the rule over the company.' The broadcaster said that advertising increased by two per cent in 2014 after a year which had been boosted by World Cup-related revenues. Advertising sales were 'ahead of the market the year to date,' he said with shows such as Bear Grylls' The Island, Benefits Street and The Undateables all 'performing well in prime time.' Audience share for all of Channel Four's portfolio of channels, including E4, More4 and Film4, was just a fraction under eleven per cent, down slightly on previous years. In a separate announcement timed to capitalise on the popularity of imported dramas like Borgen, Spiral and The Killing (all shown on BBC4), Channel Four is to launch a new channel dedicated to foreign language drama. The broadcaster will launch 4WorldDrama this autumn with 'Czech political thrillers, Belgian murder capers, Argentine family sagas and German Cold War pieces.'

Danny Cohen has defended the BBC's plans to move BBC3 to an online-only platform. He said the notion that the channel is the only one aimed at young people is 'ridiculous', adding that it will still be there to cater for the audience, just in a different way. 'The idea that young people are ghettoised and only watch BBC3 is ridiculous,' he told an audience at Creative Week. 'More young people watch BBC1 than watch BBC3.' The Director of BBC Television said the BBC3 move is a risky one, but he believes it is the right decision for the future of the BBC, Broadcast reports. 'Of course it's got risks, and it's likely we'll lose some audience in the beginning because television is still so powerful. That's the risk you take when you make bold moves. It's the risk the BBC took in the nineties when it went online and it's the risk it took in the noughties when it invested a lot of money in getting iPlayer launched.' Earlier this week, over seven hundred and fifty whinging fuckers - including Daniel Radcliffe, Imelda Staunton and James Nesbitt most of whom wouldn't be seen dead on BBC3 - signed a letter urging the BBC not to go ahead with the move. The 'open letter' to the broadcaster - so, these people are also too cheap to buy a sodding stamp and make it a 'closed' letter - said: 'Either the BBC can continue to cater for an increasingly elderly audience, or it can take the lead and safeguard its position as a beloved and relevant public broadcaster by investing in the talent and the audiences who are the building blocks of the future.' Where these glakes think the BBC is going to find the money to fund this cunning plan, they didn't say. Perhaps, they'd all like to give up their grossly inflated salaries for a year to help out. How about it, you lot? Interestingly, all of this occurred in a week in which the top ten most-watched programmes on BBC3 were three repeats of EastEnders, two episodes of American Dad and five episodes of Family Guy. And not one episode of anything actually made for BBC3.
The BBC has commissioned a host of new documentaries covering a range of topics from public figures to religion and family issues. For BBC2, Best will focus on the iconic footballer George Best ten years on from his death and will have access to never-before-seen footage and interviews with those close to him. The Dunblane massacre, where sixteen primary school children and their teacher were killed when a gunman walked into their school, will be the focus of One Morning In March. The documentary will include testimony from a survivor for the first time, as well as from families of those who were killed and the headmaster of the school. The Mosque will see Robb Leech gain unprecedented access to East London Mosque, Britain's biggest Muslim community, to capture a unique insight into the world behind its walls and the people who make up its everyday congregation. The Broadwater Farm riot, Baby P, Victoria Climbie and the shooting of Mark Duggan will be the focus of This Is Tottenham. The Divorce Clinic follows couples in the turbulent process of separating, using family mediation. The documentary will follow families as they try to reach decisions about their futures outside of the divorce courts. Country Life Magazine will be in the spotlight in Living In The Country and the Crown Prosecution Service has allowed cameras in to document their work for The Prosecutors, both for BBC4. Th chnnel's controller, Kim Shillinglaw said: 'I'm very proud of the documentaries we are announcing today and the remarkable talent, often tackling difficult subjects, that we are able to support.'

Kristina Rihanoff has revealed that she came close to quitting Strictly Come Dancing last year due to unwanted press attention. The professional dancer, who was paired with Simon Webbe during the BBC show's 2014 competition, told Loose Women that she thought some of the media's coverage was 'horrific', resulting in 'devastated' family members. She said: 'Last year, I was in a bad place because my mother was suffering with a breast cancer scare and the press were so horrific at that time that I thought that maybe there was a time where I needed to step out. [My mother] was extremely upset and she was absolutely devastated to read some of those things.' Speaking about her private life, Rihanoff said: 'I didn't come on the show to be portrayed in a certain way or for my private life to be splashed across the papers, because we all want some privacy.' She added: 'I think because I was raised in Soviet Russia, for me it was always - let your work speak for itself, it's all about what you do on the dance floor, how good you are as a dancer, as a choreographer and as a coach for your celebrities. That's what should be the topic of conversation.' Rihanoff also said that she understood she would get attention from signing on for magazine deals and photo-shoots with partners. She said: 'I just don't think it always has to be negative publicity, because also they don't really know the truth and the thing is, it's really up to me and the person I'm with to live our life and decide what's right, what's wrong. Years and years I've been here and I think it came to a point where I had to speak out and say something. I just don't understand why women are played against each other so widely in the press.'

A man was detained after threatening to set himself on fire outside the BBC’s London headquarters on Wednesday. BBC staff said on Twitter that the man - possibly a disgruntled Top Gear fan, possibly not - had poured petrol over himself outside New Broadcasting House and was holding a lighter before being tackled to the ground by security officers. A Metropolitan police spokesperson said: 'Police were called today, Wednesday 10 June at 9.11am to the BBC, Portland Place, to reports of a man threatening to set fire to himself. Officers attended and the man has been detained. We remain at the scene and as a precaution, two bags at the location are being looked at by specialist officers. A cordon is in place around the front of the building. Officers are working closely with security. The building has not been evacuated.' I know the BBC tends to attract attention-seekers, dear blog reader, but that's perhaps taking things a bit too far.
And now ...
Worthless bell-end Stephen Mulhern has revealed that he is currently 'in talks' about hosting a new chat show 'similar in style'(ie. 'completely unoriginal') to the The Late Late Show With James Corden. If that means we, as viewers, get to see a lot less of the odious, unfunny Corden on our screens then, frankly, that'd be pure dead fine with this licence fee payer.

Clare Balding is replacing John Inverdale as the host of the BBC's Wimbledon highlights show. The move comes two years after Inverdale was accused of making sexist comments about women's champion Marion Bartoli. Almost seven hundred people whinged when Inverdale suggested that the French player was 'never going to be a looker.' Although Inverdale has not been 'sacked' as several media outlets sneeringly reported and will remain as a commentator, Balding will present a new highlights show, called Wimbleon 2Day. Balding previously replaced Inverdale as the host of Radio 5Live's coverage of the tournament in 2014 so, John must tremble in his loafers every time she walks in the building, frankly. In a statement, the BBC said: 'John Inverdale will take up a new role on TV commentary duties at this year's championship and we are looking forward to having him as part of the team. The introduction of Wimbledon 2Day, presented by Clare Balding, will provide a fresh new look for the highlights show and continue to develop the 'today at the games' brand which Clare presented at both the Sochi Winter Olympics and Commonwealth Games.' Inverdale got into trouble in 2013, when he asked his guest, Lindsay Davenport, about Bartoli: 'I just wonder if her dad did say to her when she was twelve, thirteen, fourteen maybe: "Listen, you are never going to be, you know, a looker. You are never going to be somebody like a Sharapova, you're never going to be five feet eleven inches, you're never going to be somebody with long legs, so you have to compensate for that. You are going to have to be the most dogged, determined fighter that anyone has ever seen on the tennis court if you are going to make it," and she kind of is.' The BBC later apologised for the 'insensitive' comments. Inverdale put the gaffe down to 'feeling unwell' and said that he was 'horrified' for Bartoli. Interestingly, whilst lots of people had a damned good whinge about it, Bartoli herself did not appear to take offence at the comments, telling the Radio Times: 'In my mind it was never really a story. I'd known John a long time, and I knew what he was trying to say. Everyone starts with their own assets, not everyone is born the same way, but the point is that in sport - in life in general - the message is, if you have determination you can still make it happen.' Inverdale continues to front ITV's tennis coverage, where Bartoli is one of his co-presenters.

Bart Simpson has, seemingly, heard about erroneous media reports that his parents Homer and Marge are breaking up. And he's not having any of it. Bart found himself at the blackboard writing lines once again and took the opportunity to set the record straight about his parents potentially separating. The picture of Bart was tweeted from the official Simpsons account with the caption: 'RT and stop the rumours!' News of The Simpsons golden couple's alleged split came via executive producer Al Jean, who recently said: 'In the [next series] première, it is discovered after all the years Homer has narcolepsy and it's an incredible strain on the marriage. Homer and Marge legally separate, and Homer falls in love with his pharmacist, who's voiced by Lena Dunham.' This was then, eagerly, reported by numerous media outlets. Because, they're all as thick and pig's shit, basically and don't have any 'real' news to print. However, in a statement to The Wrap, Jean clarified his - clearly semi-serious - comments, saying: 'I didn't say Homer and Marge are breaking up. I said they are bigger than Jesus.' Season twenty seven of The Simpsons starts on FOX on 27 September in the US. Season twenty six is currently being shown on Sky 1 in the UK, with new episodes every Thursday. Sideshow Bob and Spider-Pig will reportedly appear in the next season of The Simpsons.
Downton Abbey creator Lord Snooty has spoken about why the ITV drama is ending after six series. 'It was never going to run eleven years' he said. Indeed. Six was more than enough. About six too many, in fact.
Columnist, author and total babe Caitlin Moran has confirmed that her sitcom Raised By Wolves - which this blogger considered to be patchy, but occasionally brilliant beyond words - is returning for a second series. The comedy is a modern-day fictionalised version of Moran sisters Caitlin and Caroline's childhood in Wolverhampton and their experiences with their no-nonsense mother Della (played by the excellent Rebekah Staton). Moran confirmed the Channel Four show would return on Twitter, writing: 'Hurrah for us! Raised By Wolves is coming back for a second series! Wank away the pain!' Hey, it works for me. Helen Monks and Alexa Davies play the sibling duo, Germaine and Aretha Garry. Molly Risker, Caden Ellis Wall, Lucie Brown and Kaine Zajaz also appear in the comedy.
Former Blue Peter presenter Yvette Fielding has criticised the BBC's decision to move the long-running children's show from BBC1. Which occurred in 2013 so this, seemingly, qualifies as 'news'. Although what the hell it has to do with her is another question entirely. Blue Peter, which Fielding co-hosted from 1987 until 1992, moved to the CBBC channel two years ago as part of the switch of the BBC's children's programming to its two dedicated Freeview children's channels. Fielding told the new issue of Radio Times: 'I don't have the time [to watch it], but I am angry that it has been moved from BBC1 to CBBC. It deserves to be on mainstream television – not on the digital channel.' The irony of which, one trusts, will not be lost on anyone who has ever had the misfortune to watch any of Fielding's wretched, crassly fake and tabloidesque 'paranormal' shows which are, of course, broadcast on digital channels (not even Freeview, usually, but ones that you have to pay to have your intelligence insulted by). Stick to hunting non-existent ghosts, chuck and leave 'thinking' to other people.
Whispering Bob Harris has written his memoirs, revealing a wealth of stories about the guests he has encountered over the years on The Old Grey Whistle Test. Still Whispering After All These Years: My Autobiography is the radio stalwart's second autobiography following 2001's The Whispering Years. The Daily Torygraph has picked out its favourite ten anecdotes, including why John Lennon was paid in chocolate biscuits to appear on The Old Grey Whistle Test and how a number of celebrities were drunk during filming. And yes, it does include further details on the time Sid Vicious and Jah Wobble tried to beat the shit out of Bob at The Speakeasy only to be prevented from doing so by members of Procul Harem's road crew.
Media regulator Ofcom has received more than eleven hundred complaints about odious, shitty, full-of-her-own-importance Sky News presenter Kay Burley's questioning of the chief executive of Alton Towers' owners following last week's rollercoaster crash. The regulator said on Wednesday that it has received one thousand one hundred and sixty two complaints about Burley's Gestapo-style interrogation of Nick Varney, the chief executive of Merlin Entertainment, as she grilled him about the accident on the park's The Smiler ride which left sixteen people injured. In the interview, Burley repeatedly pressed Varney to reveal whether an, at the time unconfirmed, report that one of the victims had lost a leg was true. 'We are deeply sorry for the accident that happened,' he said. Burley replied: 'I'm sure they are not interested in your sympathy at this stage. They went to have a fantastic day and they have potentially lost a limb – you won't tell us if they have or not.' He, sadly, didn't respond with something along the lines of 'that's none of your sodding business, you horrible, smug smear of a woman' but, instead, said: 'With all due respect, to be telling you stuff like that is absolutely personal information to those individuals and their families.' Varney later accused Burley of 'misrepresenting' what he was saying, which she denied. Well, she would, wouldn't she? As with most major media stories these days, a petition was quickly up on Change.org stating that the interview was 'awful' and that Burley was 'rude'. Yes. So, what else is new? At the time of writing, the petition was just fifty people shy of the thirty five thousand target demanding that Burley be sacked. One imagines it will be ignored by Sky News every bit of publicly as the one hundred thousand plus petition demanding that the BBC reinstate Jezza Clarkson was. Ofcom has confirmed that it is 'assessing' the complaints.
The bidding process for the 2026 World Cup has been postponed amid allegations surrounding the 2018 and 2022 tournaments. FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke said that it was 'a nonsense' to begin the process 'in the current climate.' The vote to decide who will host the 2026 World Cup is due to take place in Kuala Lumpur in May 2017. The United States are the front-runners to stage the tournament, but Canada, Mexico and Colombia are also thought to be interested. Russia and Qatar were selected to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups by a secret ballot of FIFA's twenty two executive members in December 2010. But, Swiss prosecutors are now investigating alleged 'financial irregularities' surrounding the bidding process. Both Russia and Qatar have denied any wrongdoing. Well they would, wouldn't they? Football's world governing body had planned to inform its member federations this week of the bidding schedule for 2026, but Valcke said: 'Due to the situation, I think it's nonsense to start any bidding process for the time being.' Speaking in the Russian city of Samara, Valcke also defended FIFA's handling of a ten million dollars payment from the South African government towards a Caribbean 'diaspora legacy' programme. US prosecutors allege that the payment was 'a bribe' to help secure the 2010 World Cup. The South African government insists that it was 'a legitimate payment' to 'promote Caribbean football.''It was not FIFA's money. It was a request from official South African authorities and the South African Football Association. As long as it is in line with rules we do it,' claimed Valcke. One or two people even believed him. 'I don't understand what's the problem and why I am such a target in this question.' Soon to be former FIFA president Sepp Blatter has announced he will step down from his role, amid the ongoing allegations of corruption in the governing body, including the indictment of fourteen people on corruption charges by US authorities after an FBI investigation. He is expected to be replaced at an election on 16 December. When faced with questions over his own future, Valcke said: 'You - the media - have decided that after Blatter I am the head to be cut. Fine. But, don't say it is because of this ten million dollars." Meanwhile, UEFA chief and former French international oily Michel Platini 'declined to comment' further on the FIFA scandal. Platini has previously called for change in FIFA, but speaking at a news conference to mark a year until the start of the European Championship, which France is hosting, he said that it was 'not the time nor the place' to discuss FIFA matters. 'I do not want the news about FIFA to get in the way of news about UEFA,' he said, adding that he would 'address these matters' as well as speculation he could stand for FIFA president at some point in the future.

Interpol has suspended a joint anti-match-fixing programme with FIFA over the allegations of corruption against the football governing body. The international police agency is freezing the twenty million Euro donated by FIFA in 2011 for the programme. The ten-year 'Integrity in Sport' agreement was intended to combat match-fixing and illegal gambling. 'In light of the current context surrounding FIFA, while Interpol is still committed to developing our Integrity in Sport programme, I have decided to suspend the agreement,' Juergen Stock, the head of Interpol, said in a statement. 'All external partners, whether public or private, must share the fundamental values and principles of the organisation, as well as those of the wider law enforcement community,' he added. The agreement between Interpol and FIFA stated that the football body must be 'compatible with the principles, aims and activities of Interpol.' By, not being as bent as a David Beckham free-kick, essentially. Also in FIFA news, Paraguay has ended diplomatic immunity for the offices of South America's CONMEBOL football association and FIFA's communications chief, Walter De Gregorio, was sacked on Thursday, apparently after making a joke about the crisis on Swiss television. Gregorio told theSwiss chat show Schawinski: 'The FIFA president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving? The police.' Heh.That's actually quite funny. FIFA, however was not amused and announced in a statement that De Gregorio had 'relinquished his office.' However, the BBC said that it understood he was ;asked to leave by Sepp Blatter.' De Gregorio, who has held the role since September 2011, is also understood to have clashed with Blatter after a disagreement with one of the president's cronies.

The British comedian John Oliver has paid for air-time on Trinidad television in order to ask the former FIFA vice-president Jack Warner to stand by his word and reveal what he knows about corruption inside world football’s governing body. In a four-minute segment shown on TV6, Trinidad's largest private broadcaster, on Tuesday night, Oliver called on Warner to 'release everything' after the disgraced and disgraceful seventy two-year-old and former president CONCACAF president used his own paid-for political broadcast on TV6 to claim that he 'had proof' of FIFA wrongdoing. Warner's broadcast was called The Gloves Are Off, leading to Oliver, who has been a staunch and witty critic of FIFA for some time, largely in his role as presenter of the US show Last Week Tonight, to call his The Mittens Of Disapproval Are On. 'I've been looking through the indictment,' said Oliver during his message to Warner. 'Good luck with that.'
They just can't get anything right, can they? Steve McClaren's brave new world at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United was tinged with acrimony even before he had completed his first day on Tyneside. Instead of outlining his route map to success for the Toon Army to everyone (that came the following day in a - rather impressive, let it be said - interview with BBC local radio's Mick Lowes), McClaren was only allowed to speak to what are usually known as 'preferred media partners' - providing a sideshow on what should have been a showpiece day for The Magpies. Newcastle's press handling came under fire, not for the first time, after sport journalists accused the football club of allowing just one newspaper and one broadcaster exclusive interviews with its new manager on the day his appointment was made. The Daily Mirra's article on the appointment trailed an 'exclusive' interview with McClaren. Which, of course, pissed off journalists from The Times, Daily Scum Mail, the Torygraph and the Independent right royally, all of whom vented their considerable spleen on Twitter, claiming the Daily Mirra and Sky had agreed a deal to get 'preferential' access from Newcastle. Daily Scum Mail correspondent Craig Hope whinged about the alleged deal and Sun journalist David Coverdale claimed the new manager has been, effectively, 'gagged.' The social media storm comes less than a year after the Sun and the club were forced to deny reports of an 'exclusive media partnership.' In July last year, Mirra football correspondent Simon Bird was among a number of reporters who claimed the Sun was the only newspaper invited to a press conference. Torygraph journalist Luke Edwards was among those who pointed out the apparent role reversal.
The publisher of Mirra newspapers has been extremely refused permission to appeal against a record £1.2m award of damages to eight people whose phones were hacked by its naughty journalists. However, the court was told there was 'no doubt' Mirra Group Newspapers, which publishes the Daily Mirra, the Sunday Mirra and the Sunday People, would continue with its legal challenge in the court of appeal. Lord Pannick, QC, for MGN, a subsidiary of Trinity Mirra, said that the compensation awarded had been comparable to those who had sustained moderate brain damage or serious psychiatric harm. Seeking permission to appeal on Wednesday, he said: 'It can't be disputed that this case does raise issues are important, that are unresolved above the level of the high court and are difficult.' He said that Mr Justice Mann had 'double counted' in awarding damages when a claimant had been the subject of a series of articles and had awarded damages comparable to serious personal injury cases. He said the awards were 'disproportionate' to breaches of privacy cases in Strasbourg. The judge, he said, awarded separate awards for distress and for hacking, but should instead have used a 'global approach' covering the 'totality of wrongs.' David Sherborne, counsel for the eight claimants, said that the appeal was 'hopeless. The reason that it is higher than hitherto privacy case is we are taking about multiple articles and serious levels of intrusion never seen before,' Sherborne said. He added the damages awarded for a single article did not exceed the sixth thousand smackers awarded to Max Mosley in his privacy case against the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of The World. The judge refused permission to appeal, saying MGN's arguments had 'no real prospect of success.' Pannick said there was 'no doubt' MGN would now apply directly to the court of appeal. Actor Sadie Frost received the largest sum of two hundred and sixty thousand smackers, with former England footballer Paul Gascoigne getting one hundred and eighty eight grand and BBC executive Alan Yentob receiving eighty five thousand knicker. Actors Shobna Gulati, Lucy Taggart and Shane Richie received one hundred and seventeen grand, one hundred and fifty thousand notes and one hundred and fifty five thousand smackers respectively. TV producer Robert Ashworth, who was married to the actress Tracy Shaw, received two hundred and one thousand quid and flight attendant Lauren Alcorn, who had a relationship with the footballer Rio Ferdinand, was awarded seventy two thousand knicker. The judge said that the awards, unparalleled in any UK privacy case, were because the invasions were 'so serious and so prolonged.' Earlier, the court heard that Yentob had rejected an out-of-court settlement from MGN which was greater than the sum he was eventually awarded in the trial. Mann agreed that 'in monetary terms it [the offer to settle] was a more valuable offer than the eighty five thousand pounds he got from me.' MGN argued this meant Yentob should pay a proportion of his own costs as he had failed to exceed their offer to settle. The judge ruled that both parties should bear their own costs.

A German researcher has published in the New England Journal Of Medicine claims that a study including two hundred health men over five years, including three separate hospitals, has concluded that men looking at 'busty women' for ten minutes every day, will extend their lifespan by five years. Which, co-incidentally, is the very excuse that this blogger has been using for most of his adult life.
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On the same day that it was announced dear old Christopher Lee had died we also lost another of the greats, Ron Moody. Ron, who was most famous for his portrayal of Fagin in Oliver!, died in London aged ninety one. The character actor was nominated for an Oscar and won a Golden Globe for his performance in the 1968 Charles Dickens adaptation. Later in his career, he appeared in EastEnders as Edwin Caldecott, an old nemesis of Jim Branning, and he also played Merlin in Disney's A Kid In King Arthur's Court among many other memorable roles. His widow, Therese, said that Ron would be 'greatly missed. He brought joy to his family and to the hearts of many. He was singing until the end,' she added. Ron once said that he saw himself not as a great comic actor (one of the finest this country has ever produced, in fact) but rather as a writer and composer of musicals. Most of the world could never quite be persuaded to agree. Ron was born Ronald Moodnick in Tottenham in January 1924, the son of Jewish immigrants. His father, a film studio executive, anglicised the family name to Moody several years later. Ron came from a theatrical family, his cousins included the director Laurence Moody and the actress Clare Lawrence. He was educated at Southgate County School, which at the time was a grammar school based in Palmers Green, followed by the London School of Economics. During World War II he enlisted in the Royal Air Force and became a radar technician. He had originally planned to become an economist and did not take up acting seriously until his late-twenties which was followed by a decade of bit-parts in film and television and a growing reputation as a classical stage actor and a brilliant improv comedian. His big break came in 1960 when he was given the part of Fagin, the leader of a band of juvenile pickpockets, in Oliver!, the stage musical version of Dickens's Oliver Twist. When the possibility of creating the role of Dickens's miserly mentor arose, Ron was wary: 'At first I never wanted to do it,' he recalled. 'They told me there was this musical of Oliver Twist so I went to see the Alec Guinness film, which I found to be so anti-semitic as to be unbearable. But [Lionel] Bart is as Jewish as I am and we both felt an obligation to get Fagin away from a viciously racial stereotype and instead make him what he really is – a crazy old Father Christmas gone wrong.''Fate destined me to play Fagin. It was the part of a lifetime,' he said later. The actor first played the part in the original production of Lionel Bart's musical in both the West End and on Broadway (where he played opposite firstly Tony Robinson and then Davy Jones as The Artful Dodger), before making the movie version (with Jack Wild and Mark Lester in the title role) seven years later. Speaking about the making of the film to the Gruniad in 2012, Moody said that he never expected to reprise his role in the movie because there had been 'backstage hostilities' on the stage production. By the time the musical opened, he had come to think of the part as a symbol of Jewish survival. His habit of often ad-libbing his lines annoyed others in the cast, particularly Georgia Brown as Nancy, and Bart had to ask Ron to stick to what he had done on the first night. But, despite Columbia wanting Peter Sellers for the movie, Bart and director Carol Reed insisted on Moody. Ron recalled, 'that summer of 1967 was one of the happiest times of my life. My proudest moment was the number 'Reviewing The Situation'. I suspect that, because I gave my all to the role, and because I was working with such a fine team of people, it inhibited my future career,' he added. 'I turned down quite a few offers afterwards because I thought the people didn't come close to those I'd worked with on Oliver! - which, in retrospect was a mistake.''If I had stayed in America afterwards, then things would probably have been much better and I would have had lots of film work, which I wanted,' Ron said. 'But the day after the Oscars I flew back to London to film a television play for Anglia. It was a big mistake because you never really get acknowledged for wanting to work in England, as I did. I just think now that you are a bloody fool if you do that. You should take the money when you can.' The actor later said that his biggest regret was turning down the opportunity to become The Doctor in Doctor Who. He, reportedly, turned down the part twice, certainly in 1969 when he was asked to replace Patrick Troughton and then again, allegedly, in 1974 when Jon Pertwee announced his departure. But Ron's lengthy career saw him play Captain Hook five times, Uriah Heep in David Copperfield, and the title role in Sherlock Holmes: The Musical. His other films included The Twelve Chairs, Legend Of The Werewolf, The Sandwich Man, A Pair Of Briefs and Unidentified Flying Oddball. Ron appeared in several children's television series, including the voice of Badger and Toad in the TV adaptation of Colin Dann's The Animals Of Farthing Wood, Noah's Island, Telebugs, Midnight Is A Place, the cult fantasy series Into The Labyrinth, The Avengers, Tales Of The Unexpected, Last Of The Summer Wine and made guest appearances in series like The Bill, Casualty and Holby City, his final appearance in the latter coming in 2012. During his time in the US in the 1970s, he made an under-rated comedy police drama, Hart Of The Yard about a rather old-world Scotland Yard officer seconded to San Francisco (it was cancelled after just eight episodes) and made a guest appearance in Starsky & Hutch. Among his better known film roles was the Prime Minister Rupert Mountjoy in the comedy The Mouse On The Moon (1963), alongside Margaret Rutherford, with whom he appeared again the following year in Murder Most Foul. He played the French entertainer and mime artist The Great Orlando in the 1963 Cliff Richard film Summer Holiday and appear in the John Cleese Sherlock Holmes spoof The Strange Case Of The End Of Civilization As We Know It (1977). He acted again with former Oliver! co-star Jack Wild in Flight Of The Doves (1971). In 2005, he appeared in the Big Finish Productions Doctor Who audio play Other Lives, playing The Duke of Wellington. Keen to emphasise his versatility, in 1983 he presented some of his inventions from the previous three decades in a one-hour show for Channel Four. Under the title The Other Side Of London, he employed familiar locations in the capital as backdrops not only for Fagin, but also a dancing Scrooge, a tap-dancing Dracula and a crooning Quasimodo. Ron is survived by his widow and their six children.
Big band leader James Last has died in Florida, aged eighty six. The German-born musician's manager said that Last died at his home 'peacefully and in the presence of his family.' Last sold millions of records with his trademark 'happy music' and was a regular fixture on British TV for many years. He appeared at the Royal Albert Hall in the spring of this year as part of a farewell tour he had announced after becoming seriously ill in 2014. The illness, which 'took a life-threatening turn' last September, apparently forced him to face the fact that 'a man full of plans, needs to not just slow down but give up his life on tour altogether.' But, Last said that the tour would give him the opportunity to bid farewell to his fans. 'The main thing is that my fans have the best concerts of their lives and we will make this our "happiest" concert yet,' he said when he announced the tour in February. Last began his music career in the 1960s, making instrumental recordings as James Last & His Orchestra - a big band with additional strings and a choir. Over his career he produced sixty five hit LPs in Britain alone, and at his peak, was creating two LPs a month. Born in Breman in 1929, Last grew up in the suburb of Sebaldsbrück. He began studying the piano at the age of ten, although he claimed that he could play simple tunes such as the folk song 'Hänschen Klein' from an even earlier age. His first music teacher felt that he lacked any obvious musical talent. switched to the double bass as a teenager. His home city was bombed heavily during World War II and Last ran messages to air defence command posts during the raids. He entered the Bückeburg Military Music School of the German Wehrmacht at the age of fourteen and learned to play brass, piano and tuba. After the end of the war, he joined Hans Günther Oesterreich's Radio Bremen Dance Orchestra. In 1948 he became the leader of the Last-Becker Ensemble, which performed for seven years. He was voted as the best bassist in the country in a German jazz poll for three years running in the early 1950s. When the Last-Becker Ensemble disbanded, Last became an in-house arranger for Polydor Record. During the next decade he helped arrange hits for artists such as Helmut Zacharias, Freddy Quinn, Lolita, Alfred Hause and Caterina Valente. Last's 1965 LP, Non-Stop Dancing, was a recording of of a medley of popular songs tied together by an insistent dance beat and crowd noises. It was a hit across Europe and, over the next four decades, Last released almost two hundred LPs, including several more volumes of Non-Stop Dancing. He also had his own successful television series throughout the 1970s with guests including ABBA and Lynsey de Paul which was screened across Europe. Last's trademark sound employed big band arrangements of well-known tunes with a jaunty dance beat, often heavy on bass and brass. The BBC spoke to the musician in March as he performed his final British shows at London's Royal Albert Hall. 'I can't talk about goodbye - it's a terrible feeling,' he said. The musician's manager said: 'Mr Last passed away yesterday in Florida, peacefully and in the presence of his family. In him, the world loses a unique ambassador whose expressive and all-encompassing language was music. We bid farewell to the man, friend and visionary, who by his impressive strength and openness, his professionalism, modesty and love of life served as a role model and as an inspiration for many generations worldwide.' A public memorial service will take place in Hamburg in the coming weeks. Meanwhile, this blog's own memorial is this performance of Hawkwind's 'Silver Machine' by James Last and his band. Which has to be seen to be believed, frankly. He is survived by his second wife, Christine and his two children, Ronald and Caterina.

According to the Daily Torygraph, Ed Sheeran (he's a popular beat combo, apparently, m'lud) has claimed that he is 'responsible for boosting the sex lives of ginger men.' As a ginger man please allow this blogger to, personally, confirm this is not so. Not even close.
Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl is thought to have broken his leg after falling off the stage during a concert in Gothenburg on Friday. The band were two songs into their set at the Ullevi stadium when the singer went to jump on a ramp but, you know, missed and fell into the security area with a muffled crunch. 'I think I just broke my leg,' Grohl told the crowd as he lay on the ground. 'I'm going to go to hospital. I'm going to fix my leg. And then I'm going to come back.' He added: 'You have my promise right now that the Foo Fighters - we're going to come back and finish the show.' He reappeared after an hour to continue the concert, sitting in a chair with his leg bandaged. His band later tweeted a picture of what appears to be an x-ray of his leg.
Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine broke her foot leaping off stage at the Coachella Music Festival in April, while Mister The Edge out of The U2 Group misjudged his step and fell off the stage during the opening night of the band's Innocence and Experience tour. Both of which were, to be fair, bloody hilarious.

For those interested in such malarkey, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has bypassed the Cap'n Boyd's-Eye phase and is currently looking like a cross between George V and Oliver Reed in The Curse Of The Werewolf.
Yer actual managed twenty six lengths at the pool on Wednesday morning with, once again, virtually no movement below the hips due to the back being, you know, bad. As a consequence, his arms felt like jelly. And custard. Mmmm. Anyway, one day earlier, this blogger had the first of three - count 'em - visits to the medical centre over the next ten days; this was was just the annual six monthly diabetes check-up, to get the blood and the wee-wee extracted (no jokes please). The results will be in next week. But, cautious good news, the weight is fractionally down on a fortnight ago (half-a-kilo, if you're taking notes) and the blood pressure was 'fine' according to the lovely Janice. Next Tuesday yer actual Keith Telly Topping will be back for the results and then next Thursday he has to see Doctor Chris again to see if his back has improved or, you know, imploded under its own current crapness. Also this week, this blogger was doing the weekly shop at Morrison's and, as he was standing waiting for the bus back to Stately Telly Topping Manor he got to witness a really violent confrontation between two drunk blokes outside of the Cheap Shop at the bottom of Shields' Road. The one that was slightly less drunk than the other, gave the more drunk one a real thorough, 'on-the-floor-kicking-his-head-in' hiding before getting dragged off by someone whom I presume was his woman who was screaming 'it's not worth it!' You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
For today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, hows about a quality bit of yer actual Sly & His Family Stone and that. Hot damn.

Filming continues a-pace on the next series of Doctor Who, dear blog reader. As this photographic evidence very much proves.
Game Of Thrones' shocking and stunning season five finale attracted a large audience for Sky Atlantic on Monday night, overnight data reveals. The action-packed hour-long episode which shocked and stunned some viewers, apparently, and got others aal geet discombobulated and that over spoilers which were revealed on the Interweb, drew an average overnight audience of 1.34 million at 9pm, rising from the previous week's overnight of 1.09m. Another five hundred and fifty thousand viewers watched the episode's 2am showing, timed to coincide with its HBO broadcast in the US. BBC1's The Met topped the night outside soaps with 3.47m at 9pm, while Stolen Childhoods was seen by 1.88m at 8.30pm. On BBC2, One Hundred Thousand Pound House gathered 1.47m at 8pm, followed by Japan: Earth's Enchanted Island with 2.60m at 9pm and Episodes with nine hundred and twenty two thousand at 10pm. Earlier, the Clangers were back on CBeebies, nearly half-a-century after they first appeared on the BBC in 1969. Voiced by Monty Python's Flying Circus star Michael Palin, Clangers was an instant hit for the preschool channel CBeebies with four hundred and eighty four thousand viewers, a four per cent share of the available audience from 5.30pm, up sixty eight per cent on the channel's three-month slot average. Interestingly, but unsurprisingly, sixty five per cent of Clangers' viewers were adults. ITV's Johnny Kingdom appealed to 2.60m at 8pm, while Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Derek Jacobi's thoroughly rotten and laughless alleged comedy Vicious continued to shed viewers, being watched by 2.39m at 9pm. Jason Manford's wretchedly unoriginal It's A Funny Old Week drew a mere 1.22m at 9.30pm. On Channel Four, Gadget Man had an audience of six hundred and six thousand at 8.30pm, followed by Escape To The Wild with 1.40m at 9pm and Man Down with five hundred and thirty four thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Caught On Camera interested seven hundred and seventy four thousand punters at 8pm, while Inside Manchester's Midland Hotel appealed to eight hundred and seventy five thousand at 9pm. Odious Victorian freak show Big Brother continued with 1.10m at 10pm. ITV2's watch-word for television for the brainless, Love Island, brought in three hundred and eighty two thousand at 9pm.
The Syndicate continued with more than five million overnight viewers on Tuesday. The BBC1 drama appealed to 5.19m in the 9pm hour, before Dara O'Briain Meets Stephen Hawking was seen by 2.09m from 10.35pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial attracted nine hundred and twenty five thousand punters from 7pm. Natural World and An Hour To Save Your Life followed with 1.83m and 1.98m respectively. ITV's Me & My Guide Dog attracted 1.91m in the 8pm hour. The Enforcers was watched by 1.67m afterwards. On Channel Four, Running The Shop averaged 1.12m before No Offence had one million viewers at 9pm. Channel Five's latest Big Brother fiasco - which saw Brian Belo and Helen Wood fall out, apparently - appealed to 1.13m sad, crushed victims of society from 10pm. Earlier, The Dog Rescuers was seen by nine hundred and ninety thousand and OAPs Behaving Badly was watched by nine hundred and forty four thousand punters. The multichannels were topped by ITV3's Midsomer Murders, which averaged nine hundred and forty one thousand from 8pm.

The Interceptor dipped below three million overnight viewers on Wednesday evening. The second episode of the BBC's much-hyped action thriller appealed to just 2.82m in the 9pm hour down by almost a million from the opening episode the previous week. Not even Trevor Eve over-acting with an outrageous faux-Sarf Lahnden accent can, seemingly, save this one from an ignominious early bath. Earlier, DIY SOS managed 4.43m. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial averaged seven hundred and forty seven thousand from 8pm. Napoleon and The Bin Laden Conspiracy? were watched by nine hundred and ninety one thousand and seven hundred and sixty seven thousand viewers respectively. ITV's The Cube continued with 2.81m from 8pm. Long Lost Family had 3.65m immediately afterwards. On Channel Four, The Auction House averaged nine hundred and twenty four thousand punters in the 8pm hour, with Twenty Four Hours In A&E drawing 1.54m. Channel Five's Big Brother'highlights' (no, me neither) was watched by nine hundred and twenty five thousand from 10pm. Earlier in the evening, Make You Laugh Out Loud - which, it didn't - attracted seven hundred and forty nine thousand and Caught On Camera was seen by five hundred and seventy nine thousand. The multichannels were topped by BBC3's coverage of the Women's World Cup from 8.30pm, as 1.59m watched England beat Colombia 2-1 in the group stage to qualify for the second round.
Celebrity MasterChef returned on Thursday evening with higher ratings than last year, according to overnight data. The BBC1 cookery competition - slightly (but only slightly) less z-list than in recent times - opened its kitchen doors to an average 3.83 million at 9pm, up from last year's 3.5m overnight. Earlier, Watchdog interested 3.31m at 8pm, while Question Time brought in 2.45m at 10.35pm. BBC2's The Hairy Bikers & Lorraine Pascal attracted 1.28m at 8pm, followed by the final Stonemouth with 1.51m at 9pm. Mock The Week had 1.43m at 10pm. On ITV, rotten Big Box Little Box attracted 2.12m at 8.30pm. Britain's Busiest Airport was seen by 2.72m at 9pm. Channel Four's latest episode of Dogs: Their Secret Lives had an audience of 1.14m at 8pm, while The Tribe brought in 1.05m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Big Brother continued, depressingly, with nine hundred and forty eight thousand at 9pm, followed by Person Of Interest with six hundred and seven thousand at 10pm. E4's series finale of The Big Bang Theory was watched by nine hundred and forty eight thousand at 8.30pm. On Dave - rebranded David for the night - the new series Hoff The Record launched with one hundred and eighty one thousand at 9pm. And, although the majority of the best bits had already featured in the pre-series trailer, it was, actually, quite funny.

Featuring guests such as yer actual Arnold Schwarzenegger and Emilia Clarke, The Graham Norton Show was Friday evening's highest-rated programme outside of soaps. An average overnight audience of 3.45 million tuned in to the chat show at 10.35pm. BBC1's evening started with 2.97 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 2.47 million for Would I Lie to You? immediately afterwards. Celebrity Masterchef continued with 3.34 million at 8.30pm, and peaked with 3.98 million at 9.45pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial continued with six hundred and eighty thousand at 7pm, while Mary Berry's Absolute Favourites was seen by 1.8 million at 8pm. Gardener's World had an audience of 1.89m at 8.30pm, with 1.62 million watched Kate Humble: Living With Nomads at 9pm. The Clare Balding Show drew seven hundred and eighty thousand at 10pm. Gino's Italian Escape was watched by 2.01 million at 8pm on ITV, while 1.72 watched a repeat of Doc Martin at 9pm. Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was Channel Four's highest-rated show with 1.19 million. It was sandwiched between Shipping Wars UK with four hundred and seventy thousand and Sarah Millican Home Bird Live with nine hundred and eighty thousand. Big Brother: Live Eviction was seen by an average audience of 1.07 million of Channel Five. BBC3's Glastonbury Golden Greats was among the highest-rated multichannel shows. It was seen four hundred and ninety one thousand at 9pm.

The BBC's new, early Saturday evening lack-of-entertainment fiasco, Prized Apart continued with 2.6 million overnight viewers. The show - fronted by waste-of-space z-list non-entities Emma Willis and Reggie Yates - averaged but 2.63m punters from 7pm. The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins attracted 3.59m. Casualty had an audience of 4.05m from 8.55pm and The John Bishop Show drew 3.14m afterwards. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat had an 1.3 million. It was followed by La Traviata: Love, Death & Divas with six hundred and seventy five thousand in the 9pm hour. ITV broadcast Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire from 7pm, which was seen by 2.5m. On Channel Four, one of the nastiest, most truly worthless TV formats in the history of the medium, the spectacularly rancid exercise in twee 'Little Englander' UKiP-voting bollocks Penelope Keith's Hidden Villages, which this blogger was so utterly appalled by when it was shown on some obscure digi-channel last year began a terrestrial run with 1.03m from 8pm. The Ron Howard film Rush - which this blogger last watched on a plane flying to Los Angeles (and, thoroughly enjoyed) - averaged 1.08m from 9pm. Channel Five's latest Big Brother 'highlights' had an audience of 1.02m in the 10pm hour. On the multichannels, ITV3's Foyle's War was watched by seven hundred and twenty thousand punters from 7.55pm.
The Sheridan Smith drama vehicle Black Work débuted with strong overnight ratings on Sunday. The first episode of the crime thriller brought in 5.81m viewers at 9pm. Earlier in the evening, Catchphrase was watched by 2.75m at 7.15pm, while Surprise Surprise averaged 3.69m at 8pm. On BBC1, Countryfile topped the channel's evening line-up with 5.39m at 7pm, before Antiques Roadshow gathered 5.11m at 8pm and Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell slipped even further to a properly awful overnight of 1.59m at 9pm. On BBC2, Dara & Ed's Great Big Adventure was seen by seven hundred and fifty thousand at 8pm, while The BBC At War With Jonathan Dimbleby brought in nine hundred and forty thousand at 9pm. Channel Four's Humans continued with 2.67m at 9pm, losing seven hundred thousand overnight viewers week-on-week from last Sunday's première but still beating BBC1 in the slot by over a million viewers. Channel Five's Pets Make You Laugh Out Loud attracted five hundred and ninety one thousand sad, crushed victims of society at 8pm while Big Brother continued,depressingly, with a million at 9pm. BBC3's coverage of the Women's World Cup was watched by five hundred and thirty nine thousand at 8.30pm.

Which brings us to the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty programmes, week-ending Sunday 14 June 2015:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.34m
2 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.26m
3 The Syndicate - Tues BBC1 - 6.48m
4 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.28m
5 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.86m
6 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.56m
7 Humans - Sun C4 - 5.46m
8 Home Fires - Sun ITV - 5.15m*
9 Euro 2016 Qualifier: Slovenia Versus England - Sun ITV - 4.97m
10 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.87m
11 DIY SOS: The Big Build - Wed BBC1 - 4.76m
12 The Interceptor - Wed BBC1 - 4.75m
13 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.65m
14 Ten O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.36m
15 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.26m
16 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.05m
17 The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins - Sat BBC1 - 3.95m
18 TFI Friday - Fri C4 - 3.77m
19 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 3.72m
20 Long Lost Family - Wed ITV - 3.62m*
These figures, as usual, do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. BBC2's week was, again, dominated by Springwatch with the four nightly episodes occupying places three, four, five and eight in the BBC2's weekly Top Ten. Thursday's audience of 2.5m was the most-watched of these. The channel's top-rated programme was Japan: Earth's Enchanted Island (2.93m), followed by Stonemouth (2.71m). Aside from Humans extraordinary début (with a timeshift above the initial overnight audience of almost three million viewers) and the TFI Friday special, Channel Four's top-rated shows were The Secret World Of Lego (2.53m) and Kevin McCloud's Escape To The Wild (1.82m). One has to go back to 1992 – a pre-digital age when most homes in the UK had only four channels – to the last time an originated Channel Four drama had a bigger audience than Humans. Then, an episode of The Camomile Lawn achieved 7.2 million viewers. Made by Kudos, producer of Broadchurch and Life On Mars, Humans is written by [spooks] scriptwriters Sam Vincent and Jonathan Brackley and based on a Swedish TV series, Real Humans.Channel Five's highest-rated broadcast was Big Brother (1.42m). Sky Atlantic's Game Of Thrones's series finale was, as usual, the mutichannels most-watched broadcast of the week with 2.17 million viewers, followed by E4's The Big Bang Theory (1.67m). More4's most watched shows were The Good Wife (five hundred and six thousand) and Building The Dream (four hundred thousand). Midsomer Murder was ITV3's most-watched drama with nine hundred and seventy seven thousand viewers, followed by Lewis (six hundred and ninety thousand). BBC4's weekly list was topped by The Richest Songs In The World (four hundred and ninety two thousand). BBC3's highest-rated broadcast was coverage of the Women's World Cup and England's opening game against France which drew 1.49 million. ITV4's best-watched broadcast was coverage of the TT 2015 (six hundred and fifty six thousand). 5USA's Chicago PD attracted five hundred and nine thousand. Sky Living's most-watched programmes were Bones (six hundred and eighteen thousand), Hannibal (four hundred and seventy four thousand) and Madam Secretary (four hundred and sixty seven thousand). Sky 1's Modern Family brought in nine hundred and five thousand viewers. On Dave, Storage Hunters UK was the channel's most-watched programme of the week - five hundred and ninety one thousand - followed by Blackadder The Third (four hundred and twenty five thousand), Mock The Week (four hundred and twelve thousand) and Qi XL (three hundred and sixty five thousand). Drama's latest New Tricks repeat was watched by three hundred and sixty thousand, whilst Watch's Grimm had an audience of five hundred and thirty six thousand and FOX's latest episode of NCIS was watched by seven hundred and fifty five thousand. NCIS also topped CBS Action's list (one hundred and sixteen thousand). On the Discovery Channel, Fast N' Loud had two hundred and thirty two forty eight viewers. Discovery History's One Day In Auschwitz was watched by thirty four thousand viewers, followed by Time Team (twenty thousand). On Discovery Turbo, Chasing Classic Cars drew fifty six thousand. CI's A Town & Country Murder had an audience of fifty one thousand, whilst ID's Bloodlands drew sixty thousand and Deadly Women fifty nine thousand. National Geographic's Wicked Tuna was watched by eighty thousand. Yesterday's Great British Railway Journeys was seen by one hundred and eighty nine thousand. The latest episode of Universal's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit had an audience of one hundred and sixty nine thousand. Gold's Bob Monkhouse: Million Joke Man attracted two hundred and seventy six thousand punters. The - quite thrilling - first ODI international between England and New Zealand was Sky Sport 2's most watched broadcast with four hundred and twenty five thousand.

Netflix's ambitious new series The Crown just got even more exciting, as the streaming service announced this week that yer actual Matt Smith has been cast as a young Prince Philip. Respect to the Greek. The former Doctor Who actor will play the Duke of Edinburgh and joins an all-star cast in the drama, which also features Wolf Hall's Claire Foy as the young Queen Elizabeth and John Lithgow as Winston Churchill. For Claire, it'll be a nice change of pace since the last time she played a queen in a TV drama, she ended up getting her head cut off. The Crown, which is believed to be costing one hundred million smackers and is inspired by the play The Audience, follows the story of Her Maj and her relationships with various prime ministers in the post-war era. According to Netflix, the drama 'tells the inside story of two of the most famous addresses in the world - Buckingham Palace and 10 Downing Street - and the intrigues, love lives and machinations behind the great events that shaped the second half of the Twentieth Century.' Each season will focus on a different decade in the Queen's reign, with the first run of episodes focusing on her coronation, in 1953, and her fledgling relationship with Churchill. The show - the first original UK commission for Netflix - comes from The Queen writer Peter Morgan and Stephen Daldry, who directed Helen Mirren in The Audience. All ten episodes of The Crown will première in all Netflix territories in 2016.
The final Top Gear episode to feature Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May will be broadcast on BBC2 on 28 June, it has been announced. The seventy five-minute programme will feature two films with the three presenters recorded before Clarkson's contract was not renewed earlier this year. Broadcast in the programme's traditional 8pm Sunday slot, it will quite possibly be Top Gear's most-watched episode ever given all the pre-publicity around the show and Clarkson, Hammond and May's departure. The BBC said that the trio would 'immerse themselves in the lifestyle of the traditional classic car enthusiast' and try to become 'lifestyle leisure enthusiasts' on a budget of two hundred and fifty smackers each. The final Top Gear to feature all three presenters will be up against coverage of the Glastonbury music festival on sister channels BBC3 and BBC4. New publicity photos for the one-off special show Hammond and May hosting studio links alone, suggesting that yer man Jezza his very self will only appear in filmed segments.
James May might not be returning to Top Gear, but he has been confirmed to present a new live BBC2 motoring show. Kate Humble and Ant Anstead will co-host Building Cars Live, which explores the science behind car production from BMW's MINI plant in Oxford. The two ninety-minute episodes of Building Cars Live will be broadcast in the autumn, with Cap'n Slowly enthusing: 'I can't wait to build a car. Live.' Humble added: 'To be broadcasting live from the production line of one of the world's most recognisable cars will be hugely exciting and give us a brilliant insight into what goes into creating the vehicles we all take so much for granted.'
Meanwhile, the BBC has denied that it invited Jeremy Clarkson back as host of Top Gear. Jezza told the Sun, for whom he writes a regular column, that an unnamed BBC executive had 'asked if I'd come back to Top Gear' last week. But Clarkson said that he refused: 'It would have been impossible to make the show I'd want to make,' he said. A BBC spokesman said: 'We haven't offered another Top Gear contract. The BBC had placed on record its thanks to Jeremy for his broadcasting on the programme and wish him well for the future.' Jezza told the Sun that returning to the Top Gear role 'was never an option. Too much has gone on. After I'd been compared to Jimmy Savile by someone from the BBC and it was splashed all over a Sunday newspaper, how could I go back?' He added: 'The spotlight would have been on me and the show would end up being neutered. It would be difficult to do anything without interference.' The fifty five-year-old presenter has also revealed plans for a new motoring show to rival Top Gear, which is set to return to BBC screens next April. It is anticipated that Clarkson's former co-hosts, James May and Richard Hammond will also join the new venture.
Chris Evans has revealed that he's received the blessing of Top Gear's former hosts, after it was announced earlier in the week that he would be taking over the show. Speaking on his Radio 2 breakfast show, he said that he had had texted Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May before the announcement was made. Hammond wished him good luck and said that he 'didn't blame' Evans for taking the job. Clarkson also wished Evans 'the best of luck', Evans said. Clarkson 'then gave me a piece of advice which I'm not going to repeat on the radio.' Cap'n Slow's comments, if any, were not revealed. Evans has suggested that Clarkson could have eventually returned to the programme. Speaking on The ONE Show, Evans said that maybe Clarkson could have come back to the BBC motoring show 'after a year', had James May and Richard Hammond not turned down a deal to return. But, Clarkson's comments in the Sun seem to suggest otherwise. Evans has signed a three-year deal to host Top Gear and will be holding open auditions for potential co-hosts who are passionate about cars, saying that they can be 'male [or] female, young or old - it doesn't matter.'
This blogger's opinion? Yer actual Keith Telly Topping likes Chris Evans, always has done and the recent one-off revival of TFI Friday reminds us of what a clever and impressive broadcaster the Ginger Ninja can be when given good material to work with. But ... I really think he's onto a hiding to nothing taking on the Top Gear gig. Time will tell. It usually does.

Less than twenty four hours after Chris Evans was named as Jeremy Clarkson’s replacement on Top Gear, the BBC appeared to have done a handbrake turn over his comments that the programme would 'one hundred per cent' feature a female co-presenter. BBC2 controller Kim Shillinglaw said that there would be 'no gender diktats' on the show which will return next year with Evans and an all-new presenting line-up. Shillinglaw said that she would look to address the lack of women on the hit BBC2 programme, which she said had 'always been a very male world', but not, necessarily, by having a female co-host. She said the new incarnation of the motoring show would feature 'more audience participation', including the prospect of viewers being able to take part in the 'star in a reasonably priced car' challenge. Asked whether he would have a female co-presenter in a 5Live interview on Wednesday morning, Evans said: 'Absolutely, but not for the sake of it. Yes, I can confirm that. Definitely. One hundred per cent.' Evans' response immediately prompted speculation that he would be joined on the show by former model Jodie Kidd or by the divine Goddess that is Suzy Perry. Shillinglaw said the issue of a female co-presenter was 'a really interesting question. It has always been a very male world hasn't it?' she told Steve Hewlett on Radio 4's The Media Show. 'I think it's a part of thinking about how we could do things differently, to get a lot more spontaneity into the show. What I would say is, it will be about what's right for the show.' Shillinglaw, who put more women on screen in her former role as the BBC's science and natural history chief, said: 'I really care about women on television. I really care how that sits in terms of the channel mix as a whole on BBC2.' But she added: 'I have never in my life thought about an individual show in terms of gender diktats and I certainly wouldn't start doing that now.' Alleged 'sources' allegedly close to Top Gear allegedly snitched to the Gruniad Morning Star that the programme 'would have a much stronger female presence in its new incarnation', but not necessarily with a woman co-presenting every week. Shillinglaw confirmed Evans' comment that Hammond and May had turned down the opportunity to return to the series without Clarkson. Evans said that the pair's decision to turn their back on the show had prompted BBC bosses to contact him last week to offer him the job. 'In the end a deal was offered to them and [Hammond and May] felt that deal wasn't quite right for them. You know what, that’s absolutely their choice,' said Shillinglaw. 'The important thing was there weren't multiple conversations going on at any one time. We felt we wanted to do this right and do this respectfully. Everyone as far as I am aware has conducted themselves with real grace and thoughtfulness.' Shillinglaw, who met Evans face-to-face for the first time on Monday, said he was a 'brilliant' producer and presenter and a 'very wise man, having had an awful lot of ups and downs in his career.' Asked if the BBC had 'learned lessons' from the Clarkson controversy, Shillinglaw said: 'I think we all learn, all the time, on a daily basis, things happen, things go wrong. It was a very human situation and there are a lot of people who wish it could have played out differently at a human level but we are where we are. It's really exciting to look forward to the next stage in this show's history.'

Sir John Hurt has revealed that he has been diagnosed with early-stage pancreatic cancer. In a statement released to the Press Association, he said: 'I have always been open about the way in which I conduct my life and in that spirit I would like to make a statement. I have recently been diagnosed with early-stage pancreatic cancer. I am undergoing treatment and am more than optimistic about a satisfactory outcome, as indeed is the medical team. I am continuing to focus on my professional commitments and will shortly be recording Jeffrey Bernard Is Unwell (one of life's small ironies!) for Radio 4.' Alex Ford, CEO of Pancreatic Cancer UK, the only national charity fighting pancreatic cancer, said: 'We were deeply saddened to learn of Sir John Hurt's recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer – but eternally grateful for his openness in talking about the disease and his treatment. This can only help raise much needed awareness of pancreatic cancer and the importance of early diagnosis. Importantly, John's attitude and optimism will provide hope for many others affected by this disease. We wish him the best with his treatment.' John was awarded a Knighthood for his services to drama in the Queen's New Year Honours list recently. Of course needless to say, all of us here at From The North wish Sir John a speedy and successful recovery.
BBC dramas Happy Valley, The Missing and Marvellous have won multiple awards at the Monte Carlo television awards. Happy Valley won best European drama series and Sarah Lancashire was awarded outstanding actress in a drama series. The Missing won best mini-series and outstanding actress for Frances O'Connor. Marvellous picked up three awards - best television film and outstanding actor and actress for Toby Jones and Gemma Jones. Crime drama Happy Valley was a ratings and critical hit when it was first screened in 2014. It followed police sergeant Catherine Cawood, (played by Lancashire) who stumbles on a kidnap plot as she pursues a man she holds responsible for her daughter's suicide. Written by Sally Wainwright, it won a TV BAFTA for best drama and a new series is due later this year. Also set to return is fellow crime drama The Missing. It starred Jimmy Nesbitt begorrah be'jesus alongside O'Connor, as parents of a boy who goes missing on holiday in France. TV film Marvellous has been nominated for numerous awards. In the true story, Toby Jones played Neil Baldwin, a man with learning difficulties who does not let them hold him back from leading an extraordinary life. Jones won best actor at the Broadcasting Press Guild awards for the role. Also at the Monte Carlo Television festival, The Amade Prize was given to ITN for their report on the desperate struggle to save Iraq's Yazidis.

Tony Hall has warned the government not to 'screw around' with the UK's broadcasting ecology in an interview setting out the BBC's stall ahead of charter renewal. Well, it's about time somebody at the BBC showed a bit of sodding backbone for a change and stood up the bullies in the Tory party and their sneering lickerty-split pals in the right-wing press (and the left-wing press for that matter). Let's have a hell of a lot more of it. Speaking publicly for the first time since the general erection, the Director General told Broadcast that the £145.50 licence fee will be 'safe for the next decade' and represents good value, even for the poorest in British society. He refused to guarantee the safety of any BBC service amid fears of funding cuts and called for charter negotiations to be kept clear from future general erections to 'relieve political pressure' on the corporation's news reporting. The sixty four-year-old Director General also committed his future to the BBC for 'at least' the next three years. Hall described the BBC as 'one of the engine rooms' of the UK's £76.9bn creative industries which, he argued, are 'a major source of economic growth' and 'bolster Britain's standing overseas.' He said that the whole PSB system would be damaged if the BBC was 'diminished' during charter review. 'One of my pleas would be: this ecology works. Don't screw around with it,' he warned. Hall said that the mixture of Sky's subscription model and the different ad-funded operations of ITV, Channel Four and Channel Five dovetails well with 'a licence fee-funded operation, which is and should be obsessed about quality, about doing things that others are less likely to, and about taking risks.' Hall said that he was 'confident' the licence fee will remain at the heart of the BBC's new operating agreement, which comes into force in 2017, meaning the corporation can continue providing content for all. 'Great things, great content, great programmes should be available to everybody, whoever they are, wherever they live. Rich, poor, Northerner, Southerner, Scots, Northern Irish, whatever. This old BBC principle of universality is as valid today as it ever was,' Hall said. The former Royal Opera House chief executive admitted that the BBC is approaching a 'period of risk', but said that he welcomed 'a conversation' about the broadcaster's future. Referring to Broadcast's Backing The BBC campaign, he added that the corporation needs its 'friends to come around and support us.' He said: 'Our research shows that on all sorts of things like trust, or people's respect for the BBC, or need for the BBC, the data is better than it was a decade ago. Rather than fearing a debate about the BBC, I want a debate about the BBC.'

The new lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Whittingdale will appear at the Edinburgh International Television Festival in August. The vile and odious rascal Whittingdale will be interviewed by ITV News presenter Alastair Stewart about his plans for BBC charter renewal and the licence fee and the government's intentions – or otherwise – to privatise Channel Four. The festival's advisory chair, Sky Atlantic director Zai Bennett, said: 'We are delighted that the new culture secretary is coming to the TV festival in its fortieth anniversary year. There are few MPs more knowledgeable about the media than John Whittingdale and I'm sure the industry will be excited to hear his views on issues ranging from the impending charter renewal, to discussions on privatisation. This really is a session not to be missed.' But then again, Zai Bennett, when he was controller of BBC3, cancelled Ideal and, when he was boss at ITV2, commissionedKerry Katona: The Next Chapter. So, frankly, if Zai Bennett told this blogger that black was darker than white or that he was able to tell the difference between his own arse and his own elbow, yer actual Keith telly Topping would require a second opinion before believing him. The vile and odious rascal Whittingdale, who has previously described the licence fee as 'worse than the poll tax' - so, no obvious, sick agenda going down there, then - was appointed as secretary of lack of culture, media and sport last month after a decade as chair of the Commons culture, media and sport select committee. The MacTaggart lecture at this year's festival will be delivered by Armando Iannucci. The festival will run from 26 to 28 August.

Jon Snow (no, the other one) has defended the salaries of Channel Four's top executives, claiming that the broadcaster's performance justifies a large reward in the commercial sector. 'This is a channel putting business the way of something like three hundred independent film making companies,' said the Channel Four News presenter who, obviously, has absolutely no vested interest whatsoever in buttering up his bosses. Oh no, very hot water. 'It generates at least one billion pounds a year, it's profitable. I think in the corporate sector that would attract a fair amount of reward,' he claimed. 'It's a pretty amazing thing that a public service broadcaster can be wholly self supporting. And have a big impact.' Channel Four's results for 2014, released earlier in the month, showed the pay of chief executive David Abraham rose sixteen per cent to eight hundred and fifty five thousand smackers - almost twice as much as the Director General of the BBC - while chief creative officer Jay Hunt took home five hundred and eighty one thousand knicker, up seventeen on 2013. Both received the maximum thirty per cent bonus, despite a fall in audience share for its main channel. At the time the pay rises were announced, former Home Office minister Damian Green, who was then in the running to become lack of culture select committee chair, said that the channel needed 'to be sensitive at a time when the future of the channel is clearly under review.' Which, if you look up 'odious shit-scum political bully boy thug threats' on Goggle, you'll find that one quite close to the top.

Jane Tennison, the detective made famous by Helen Mirren, will return to ITV as a twenty two-year-old investigating her first murder case in a Prime Suspect prequel written by Lynda La Plante. The six-part series, called Tennison, will be set in 1970s Hackney and portrays a young Tennison starting out on her police career, experiencing London's violent criminal ganglands first hand. ITV said that the drama would 'reveal why she became such a complex and formidable character in the Metropolitan police', set in a world where 'high-ranking police officers were notoriously chauvinistic and the rules and regulations often bent.' ITV director of drama Steve November said: 'I'm delighted Lynda has revisited the iconic character of Jane Tennison. The scripts are brilliantly written and she perfectly captures the sights, sounds and mood of the 70s period.' The broadcaster announced details of the new drama on Thursday after La Plante revealed that she was writing a prequel to Prime Suspect last year. There are no details about who will play the young Tennison. It will be broadcast in 2016 to celebrate the twenty fifth anniversary of the first Prime Suspect series, which broadcast on ITV in 1991 and, thereafter, ran intermittently until 2006. It has also been adapted for US television. Not very well, let it be noted. Mirren her very self, who brought DCI Tennison to life across seven series, was already pretty famous when the first Prime Suspect was broadcast, but the role made her a household name. ITV has already enjoyed success with a detective prequel with Inspector Morse spin-off, Endeavour, starring Shaun Evans and Roger Allam. The Prime Suspect prequel has been devised by La Plante who has written a book, also called Tennison, which will be published in September. La Plante said: 'I have very much enjoyed writing the young Jane, creating her family background and the start of her career in the police force. I do hope my readers will enjoy meeting her in September and viewers in 2016.' Separately, ITV has also commissioned an eight-part drama from Han Rosenfeldt, the Swedish creator of hit Scandiwegian serial killer drama, The Bridge. Rosenfeldt has created Marcella, his first drama specifically for UK television, with Nicola Larder, who was Sky's development executive on its own - not very good - adaptation of The Bridge, The Tunnel. Marcella is described as a 'Scandinavian noir on the streets of Britain' set in contemporary London about a single female detective, divorced and isolated from her daughter, working on a serial murder case. ITV has also commissioned a six-part drama series, The Durrells, by Men Behaving Badly creator Simon Nye, based on Gerald Durrell's classic trilogy of Corfu memoirs including the best-selling My Family & Other Animals.

The biggest question for the next season of NCIS is, will Gibbs survive getting shot, twice, by an angry twelve yer old? Anything could happen in NCIS, of course, as anyone who is a fan of the popular, long-running crime drama knows only too well. Even Mark Harmon, who plays the role of Leroy Gibbs, doesn't know if his own character is going to live next season - or, at least, that's what he's saying publicly. Appearing in The Late Late Show with odious, unfunny waste-of-oxygen James Corden recently, Harmon said that the show's success has been built of no one knowing if or when character would leave. 'This show births characters leaving, it always has,' Harmon told worthless glake Corden. He added, 'I think it keeps actors healthy. It's not my choice, number one, but I think anyone is replaceable.' For fans of Gibbs, this is not a good sign although, personally, this blogger would be astonished beyond words if Harmon, upon whom the show's massive worldwide popularity is largely based, wasn't back. Just this week it was announced that NCIS has won the title of the world's most-watched TV drama for the second year running. Even Corden - who knows nowt about owt - believed that it is impossible for Harmon to get sacked from the show. To which Harmon replied, 'Would they sack you? Yeah, maybe.'NCIS's executive producer Gary Glasberg said in an interview that 'regardless of the outcome, any time that Gibbs or one of our family members is in danger or injured, it significantly affects everyone. We'll have to see the long-term effects and the psychological effects, but they'll undoubtedly, as they always are, be there for each other. Then we'll see where it takes [us] as we move forward to the coming episode.' CBS has recently announced the première date of NCIS's thirteenth season, 22 September.

CBS has also confirmed that CSI will not return for a sixteenth season, but will conclude with a two-hour TV movie that will be broadcast on 27 September and will feature the return of original cast members William Petersen and Marg Helgenberger. It was also announced that Ted Danson will join the cast of the spin-off CSI: Cyber, presumably once his stint on Fargo has concluded.
Yer actual Paul Nicholas is to join the cast of BBC1's long-running soap EastEnders. The sixty nine-year-old will play Gavin Sullivan, the estranged husband of Gillian Taylforth's character, Kathy. 'I am delighted to be joining the wonderful cast for what is going to be an exciting time ahead,' said the actor, who appeared with ex-EastEnders actress Michelle Collins in the hugely forgettable BBC drama Sunburn. 'I can't wait to get started and seeing what's in store for my character.' Nicholas's EastEnders début follows Taylforth's surprise return to Albert Square during EastEnders' thirtieth anniversary celebrations in February. The actress's character, last seen in the soap in 2000, had been thought to be dead for more than a decade after a car crash in South Africa. 'We are all thrilled that Paul has agreed to join our cast to play Gavin,' said Dominic Treadwell-Collins, the show's executive producer. 'It's brilliant to have him back on our screens, playing a major part in Kathy's explosive return to the Square, while also holding the key to many more of the Square's secrets.' Nicholas began is career as a singer and pianist in the 1960s. Adopting the stage name Paul Dean, he formed Paul Dean & The Dreamers and played keyboards in Screaming Lord Sutch's backing band, The Savages. After taking the stage name Oscar, Paul began a long association with the Australian-born entrepreneur, Robert Stigwood. He released a series of - appallingly bad - singles, including a cover of the Pete Townshend song 'Join My Gang' and the absolutely notorious 'Over The Wall We Go', a novelty song about criminals escaping from prison written and produced by a very young David Bowie. Paul then made his name on the West End stage in such shows as Jesus Christ Superstar, Hair and, later, Cats and, finally had a couple of hits in the mid-1970s (who, in all honesty, can forget 'Grandma's Party' even if you want to?) Then, he landed the role of Vince Pinner in Just Good Friends. Created by John Sullivan the, inexplicably popular, sitcom - which ran from 1983 to 1986 - saw his character enjoy an on-off relationship with old flame Penny, played by Jan Francis. Nicholas has since enjoyed further success as a theatre producer and a recording artist and makes regular appearances in pantomime. The actor is currently touring the UK in a stage version of Agatha Christie's ... And Then There Were None, which plays this week at the Ashcroft Theatre in Croydon.

Writer and broadcaster Sandi Toksvig has claimed that she was turned down as the original host of the BBC’s long-running panel show Have I Got News For You because she was (and, indeed, still is) a woman. Toksvig, the outgoing presenter of Radio 4's The News Quiz, said that she recorded a pilot for the show twenty five years ago and was 'the preferred choice' of programme-makers. 'They made two pilots – one with me and one with Angus Deayton,' she told the new issue of Radio Times magazine. 'I was told by the producers that they preferred my version, but the channel decided they couldn't have a woman in charge.' Asked if this made her angry, Toksvig said: 'Of course, but it also made me feel inadequate and question whether I was really up to it.''The claims, albeit a quarter of a century later, will be an embarrassment for the BBC, coming at a time when its track record of employing women, both on-screen and in senior positions behind the scene, has come under close scrutiny,' claimed some bell-end of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star in a typically shit-stirring, trouble-making piece on Toksvig's claims. Toksvig, who will step down as the host of the radio show next week, later appeared as a guest on the first edition of Have I Got News For You in 1990, and has appeared regularly every since. Deayton was dropped as its presenter in 2002 after revelations about his private life. The show has since been fronted by a different presenter each week and has continued to thrive, watched by around six million viewers in its Friday night BBC1 slot. Toksvig said: 'I thought Angus was very good and he's an extremely nice chap, but I would not have been caught with either prostitutes or cocaine. So possibly I would have been a better bet in the long run.' The BBC looked to address the lack of women on its panel shows last year when its director of television, Danny Cohen, announced a ban on all-male line-ups. But the announcement,well meaning as it was, was criticised by several high-profile comics and presenters, including Dara Ó Briain, who said that the BBC should have evolved instead of legislating for token women. Ó Briain said he agreed with the policy but, by making it public, it might - and, to an extent has - undermined some people 'who’ve been on millions of times [and] suddenly look like the token woman.' Toksvig herself joined in the criticism last year, saying: 'I know there has been a great push to get more female panellists on television, and I don't think that's the answer. But if you get more female hosts, you'll immediately have more women taking part, without it causing any trouble at all. They bring a different tone and make it easier for other women to feel comfortable about participating, so I would be a big fan of more female hosts on quiz shows.' Toksvig, who succeeded Simon Hoggart on The News Quiz nine years ago, said that she was daunted when she first took charge of the long-running Radio 4 favourite. 'Even nine years ago having a woman in charge of the show seemed quite radical,' she said. She said that the morning after her first outing as presenter, the producer rang her to say there hadn't been a single complaint. 'What he meant was no complaints about a woman presenting,' she said. Toksvig added: 'I'm not giving up broadcasting. It's just, as a presenter, I can't be seen as overtly political and I do find that restricting.' Toksvig is one of the founding members of the new Women's Equality party, which plans to field candidates in the 2020 general erection. She said: 'I have made jokes over and over again about politics and I've had enough. This election, I decided that instead of making jokes about politics, I need to take part in it and therefore I can't make jokes and participate.' Asked whether the situation is better for women in broadcasting now, she said: 'I want to be positive and say "yes", but the election coverage was so predominantly male, it made me a bit depressed.' John Lloyd, the former Blackadder producer and creator of The News Quiz, hosted the original pilot of Have I Got News For You when it was going to be called John Lloyd's Newsround. Lloyd, who now makes another popular and long-running panel show, Qi, for BBC2, dropped out after deciding that he did not want to present the show full time. He described Toksvig's departure as 'a national tragedy. It is very exciting how many good female comics are out there now,' said Lloyd. 'It's fascinating how far attitudes have changed. It's difficult to know whether it's broadcasters being more proactive, but something [has changed],' he added. 'We used to complain how difficult it was finding enough women to fill panel games but in the last, I would say, less than five years, that has turned completely on its heads. There is a raft of incredibly good female comics out there.' A BBC spokesperson said: 'We're proud of the fact that the BBC of today has a huge range of women presenters across TV and Radio including Tess and Claudia, Mary Berry, Anne Robinson, Fiona Bruce, Clare Balding, Kate Humble, Clemency Burton-Hill, Clara Amfo, Annie Mac, Louise Minchin, Sophie Raworth, Emily Maitlis, Ritula Shah and many others.'

And, from that, to this ...
Channel Four has dropped The British Comedy Awards in order to focus on investing in new comedy series. The channel has held the exclusive broadcast rights to the arse-licking and back-slapping ceremony since 2010, but has decided against renewing the deal. According to Broadcast, a Channel Four spokeswoman said: 'After four great years on the channel we will be saying goodbye to The British Comedy Awards. Our focus moving forward is investing in new comedy series.' Channel Four originally signed a three-year deal to broadcast the 2010, 2011 and 2012 editions of the awards show, before extending the contract for two further years. Last year's event saw the odious, unfunny prick and lanky streak of rancid piss Jack Whitehall walk away with the top prize for the third consecutive year, after he was voted 'King of Comedy'. Which says it all, really.

British screenwriter Philip Gawthorne will write the screenplay for a modern day film adaptation of the classic TV series Kojak. Gawthorne, who has written predominantly for shows such as Casualty and EastEnders, takes over writing duties from James Bond writers Neal Purvis and Robert Wade, who wrote a previous draft of the screenplay. Kojak is intended to be a starring vehicle for Hollywood's Vin Diesel, who will also produce. The actor most recently starred in Furious Seven, with worldwide takings of more than $1.5bn. The original series - a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping - was broadcast from 1973-1978 and starred Telly Savalas (no relation) as the lollypop-sucking New York police Lieutenant Theo Kojak.
Alex Gibney's controversial scientology documentary, Going Clear, will be released in the UK, despite pressure from the Church of Scientology. UK lawyers acting on behalf of the organisation have contacted at least one company involved in the film's theatrical release warning of 'potential copyright infringement' should the film be screened in the UK. However, distributors and exhibitors are, according to reports, 'pressing ahead' with plans to show the film. The documentary sees Gibney question former members of the Church of Scientology - including the film-maker Paul Haggis - revealing alleged abuses and 'strange practices' within the organisation. The Church of Scientology has previously denounced Gibney's film as 'bigoted propaganda' informed by former members, whom it calls 'misfits'. It was released in US cinemas and on US TV in March, through HBO, drawing in more than five and a half million viewers and becoming the network's biggest documentary première in almost a decade.

The on-off saga surrounding Neil Gaiman's American Gods TV adaptation is nearing a conclusion as the production began casting, after securing its showrunning team. Gaiman said that he was 'confident that my baby is in good hands' after Starz, the premium cable channel that is now adapting the novel after HBO pulled out last year, confirmed it had started the casting process for lead character, Shadow Moon. The news comes after Starz confirmed – last July – that Hannibal showrunner Bryan Fuller and Michael Green will helm and write the series. Fuller and Green, who worked together on Heroes, added in a joint statement: 'Almost fifteen years ago, Neil Gaiman filled a toy box with Gods and magic and we are thrilled to finally crack it open and play.''I am thrilled, ‎scared, delighted, nervous and a ball of glorious anticipation,' said Neil his very self in a statement. He added: 'The team that is going to bring the world of American Gods to the screen has been assembled like the master criminals in a caper movie.' The announcement is the latest chapter in the American Gods story, which started when HBO began, and then dropped, the project in early 2014, leaving FremantleMedia – the company producing the series for Starz – to pick it up and attempt to bring it to the small screen. American Gods is one of Gaiman's most well-loved works and has been translated into more than thirty languages. Another of Neil's novels, Anansi Boys, is also currently in development to become a BBC mini-series. Though, thankfully, the proposed TV adaptation of Neil's masterpiece, The Sandman appears to be dead in the water. Which, frankly, is a hell of a relief to everyone.

And, speaking of Hannibal yer actual Keith Telly Topping was relieved this week that, after a superb opening episode and then a second one episode which rather meandered around without saying much, the third series of the dark-as-night drama got right back on song with episode three, Secondo. It included what might, possibly, be this blogger's favourite scene in the show so far. The one that end - no spoilers - with the line 'Technically, you killed him!' which was laugh-out-loud funny. If you've seen the episode, dear blog reader, you'll know the one I'm talking about. Maga and Gillian continue to be one of the best double-acts currently working on telly, it was nice to see Larry Fishburne back and Will actually had something to do this week. There's only, really, one question which urgently needs answering. Where the hell is Alana? Hopefully, we'll find out next week.
Former NBC news anchor Brian Williams has issued an apology for embellishing reports about his time covering the Iraq war. His slot anchoring the nightly news has now been permanently given to Lester Holt, who has been covering during Williams' suspension. Williams' has now been moved to the cable news network MSNBC to cover breaking news. 'I'm sorry. I said things that weren't true. I let down my NBC colleagues and our viewers, and I'm determined to earn back their trust,' he said, in a statement.
Swiss banks reported allegedly 'suspicious activity' around accounts of football's world governing body FIFA, according to the Swiss attorney general. Michael Lauber said that his office was analysing 'a huge amount' of seized FIFA data in its corruption inquiry. He said that he did not rule out interviews with FFIA president Sepp Blatter as part of his investigation. The investigation could lead to the reopening of the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. FIFA is facing claims of widespread corruption and rotten doings after Swiss police raided a hotel in Zurich at dawn and arrested seven of its top executives last month. The seven were dragged from their beds and held at the request of the US department of justice, which has charged fourteen current and former FIFA officials and associates on charges of 'rampant, systemic, and deep-rooted' corruption and badness. The charges follow a major inquiry by the FBI. Lauber told a news conference that his investigation was also looking at fifty three banking relationships reported by the Swiss financial intelligence unit. 'We are facing a complex investigation with many international implications. The prosecution is ongoing and will take time. The world of football needs to be patient - by its nature, this investigation will take more than the legendary '"ninety minutes,"' he said.
The scientist and broadcaster Professor Brian Cox (no, the other one) has said that it was wrong the way a Nobel laureate scientist was 'hounded out' of his university post over controversial comments he made about women working in laboratories. Coxy said that the remarks, by Sir Tim Hunt, had been 'very ill-advised' but that the response – which saw Hunt give up positions at University College London and the Royal Society – had been disproportionate. Brian's intervention came after the London mayor, Boris Johnson, said Hunt deserved to be reinstated after the 'over-reaction' to his comments. The seventy two-year-old scientist provoked a backlash on social media after he reportedly said the 'trouble with girls' in laboratories was that 'you fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticise them they cry.' He subsequently apologised for the comments – made at a conference in South Korea – saying they had been intended to be jocular and ironic, but said that he was told if he did not resign his position at UCL he would be sacked. Cox acknowledged that while there was 'a serious issue' about the 'perceived air of sexism' which deterred some women from pursuing careers in science, he said that he did not believe Hunt should have been treated in the way he was. Cox said Hunt was 'good person and a great scientist' and that as a man in his seventies, it was perhaps not surprising that Hunt was 'slightly unreconstructed.' Cox told BBC Radio 4's The World At One programme: 'You can make the argument that senior figures in science have to be first of all aware that there is a central problem of women progressing up to the highest levels of science and secondly, therefore, have to be mindful of that and careful of their language. On the other side, of course, there is the wider problem of trial by social media. People do make ill-advised comments from time-to-time so is it appropriate to hound someone out of their position at a university or indeed is it appropriate for the university to react in the way UCL in this case did and ask someone to resign or threaten to sack them? To have a Nobel prize winner – and by all accounts a great scientist and a good person – being hounded out of a position at UCL after all those years of good work and science, I think that's wrong and disproportionate – with the caveats I mentioned.' Coxy acknowledged that there were problems in getting young women to take up careers in science and engineering, and said there were 'big problems' that needed to be addressed when it came to career progression for women. 'There is a problem in science and engineering and the problem is that we don't have enough women going into certain areas, particularly engineering,' he said. 'In America and Europe around fifty per cent of PhDs are women so that's good. But if you look at senior positions in universities and on committees, about a fifth are occupied by women so trying to address that is a sensible thing to do.'

Wilko Johnson his very self and the surgeon credited with saving his life will be reunited this weekend at a cycling event to raise funds for research into pancreatic and bowel disorders. Doctor Emmanuel Huguet, who performed radical surgery on Wilko last year to remove a tumour the size of a football, will join more than one hundred and twenty GastroCyclists on the Cambridge-to-London Tour De France stage to the Olympic Velodrome, with Wilko greeting the riders at the finish line. 'I was lucky. I survived pancreatic cancer because of groundbreaking surgery. For too many pancreatic cancer is a death sentence,' said Wilko. 'I am pleased to support GastroCycle and Core because I want to ensure there are more people who are as lucky as me.'

Soft-core pornographer Richard Desmond has defended his newspapers' reporting of Madeleine McCann's disappearance in a BBC interview as 'fair', despite having to pay more than half-a-million smackers to settle defamation claims concerning the coverage. In an extraordinary interview on BBC Radio 4's The Media Show on Wednesday, in which Desmond also said that the had 'no regrets' about aligning his media empire with UKiP, Desmond was asked if he regretted the way Gerry and Kate McCann had been treated by his publications following the disappearance of their daughter in 2007. 'Do I regret [it]? No, I think we reported it very fairly,' he claimed. Seemingly, the jury did not agree. 'The McCanns had a PR company that wanted [them] to be on [the] front page. They wanted to be on the front page, to keep the story live,' he continued. Desmond, who also took umbrage at the description of his 'adult' TV channels and former magazines as 'pornographic' in the interview, defended the one hundred-plus articles which appeared in his Daily Scum Express and Daily Lies titles about the missing child. Tragically, he wasn't asked about other Lies articles, like the one that claimed Holly Valance was 'in discussions' to take over as the lead on Buffy The Vampire Slayer or the one about Lady Gaga's forthcoming appearance in Doctor Who (which included a series of entirely made-up quotes from an alleged TV 'insider' who didn't exist). Which, frankly, this blogger thinks was very much an opportunity missed. In March 2008, Desmond's Northern & Shell paid out five hundred and fifty thousand quid to settle defamation claims over more than one hundred different articles and published a front-page - and grovelling - apology in all of his newspapers. Desmond also claimed in the Radio 4 interview that he has 'no regrets' about personally donating £1.3m to UKiP before the last erection. 'Thank God I did that; supported UKiP,' he said. 'Thank God the Daily Express listened to its readers. The readers are fed up with being controlled by Brussels, we are fed up with uncontrolled immigration. We like immigration, but uncontrolled immigration cannot carry on. And I'm delighted that there'll be an European Union referendum. When we hear how David Cameron negotiates we will make our minds up.' And, the fact that his million notes plus bought him, and UKiP, but one MP? That was another question left unasked. Desmond also said that he has 'no problem' with talking about his past as a proprietor of adult magazines and being the current owner of the adult TV stations Fantasy Channel and Red Hot, but that he did not want them referred to as 'pornographic.' Which, they are. Soft-core, admittedly, but they still satisfy every single definition of what porn constitutes. 'I'm very happy to talk about Penthouse,' he said. 'I'm very happy to talk about the magazines that we published, which we sold twelve years ago. What I don't like is the other word. For me, that word I think of Paul Raymond, I think of drugs, I think of prostitution, I think of David Sullivan. Stuff which is pornography. For me, I'm a media group. Most media groups, including the BBC, do work in some way with adult material,' he said. 'Ofcom were delighted we bought Channel Five as we have a good rapport with them. Our adult channels are carried on Sky, Virgin, carried on Freeview, which I believe is owned by the BBC, carried on YouView.' Freeview, incidentally, is not 'owned by the BBC', it's a joint venture between the BBC, ITV, Channel Four, Sky and the transmitter operator Arqiva.

The formerly Desmond-owner Channel Five has commissioned Celebs On Benefits: Claim To Fame, a documentary following some z-list former celebrities who have found themselves relying on state support. Bruce Jones and Lisa Appleton are amongst those who will appear in the one-off, hour-long programme made by ITN Productions, looking at z-list celebrities who 'have had success before hitting hard times', reports Broadcast. And, gosh, but doesn't that sound like a really worthwhile exercise in self-loathing. Jones played taxi driver Les Battersby in Coronation Street for ten years before a drink problem, divorce and growing debt forced him to rely on benefits. He later appeared on Celebrity Big Brother. Also appearing is Appleton, who appeared on Big Brother in 2008. She describes how she went from 'experiencing the celebrity' that comes with a Big Brother appearance, to living in a flat she called 'a stinking, rat-infested hole.' And, we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for her? So, there you go, dear blog reader - everything that is wrong with television and, indeed, society, in 2015 summed up in one Channel Five commission. It is to be hoped that the mothers of those responsible for this utter horrorshow are all proud of them.

Scientists say they have the best evidence yet that there is hot lava spewing from the surface of Venus. The planet was known to have an active volcanic history but this is the best evidence yet for ongoing eruptions. Four 'hotspots' in a rift region of the planet's Northern hemisphere were seen to rise and fall dramatically in temperature over several days in 2008, suggesting an active lava flow. The observations were collected by the Venus Express probe. This European Space Agency mission arrived at the planet in 2006 and its findings had already hinted in 2010 that Venus might still be volcanically active. That evidence was compiled from infrared measurements, because the planet's surface is shrouded by a thick and swirling atmosphere. A distinct dark region towards the planet's south pole suggested lava deposits that were less than two and a half million years old. Then in 2012 Venus Express researchers reported a spike in the sulphur dioxide content of the Venusian atmosphere, which happened in 2006-7 and declined gradually afterwards. This was very evocative of a blast of volcanic activity, but could also have been a result of shifting winds. Now, images in near-infrared wavelengths snapped by the craft's Venus Monitoring Camera have revealed tell-tale, transient hotspots in a region called Ganiki Chasma. 'This latest evidence very much leads us to believe that we've finally found proof that the surface is tectonically active and changing today,' said Doctor Colin Wilson, an atmospheric physicist at Oxford University and the science operations coordinator for Venus Express. The pictures were first unveiled at a conference in March 2014 but have now been analysed in detail and published in the journal Geophysical Research Letters. 'We have now seen several events where a spot on the surface suddenly gets much hotter, and then cools down again,' said Doctor Eugene Shalygin, the publication's lead author, from the Max Planck Institute for Solar System Research in Germany. 'These four hotspots are located in what are known from radar imagery to be tectonic rift zones, but this is the first time we have detected that they are hot and changing in temperature from day to day. It is the most tantalising evidence yet for active volcanism.' The hot areas could indicate a pool of lava, superheated rocks or even plumes of gas surging from beneath the surface. A combination of these scenarios is probably most likely, Wilson said. 'The region is a rift system on the flanks of a volcano,' he told the BBC News website. 'These rifts are formed when, for example, a magma chamber lying below fills up and causes expansion and fracture up above. We don't really know exactly what's happening, because the spatial resolution of the images we're getting is blurred by the overlying clouds, to fifty to one hundred km pixel size.' Radar data from previous missions revealed many volcanic peaks on Venus, most of which have shallow slopes, 'like Hawaii', Wilson explained. 'That implies fairly liquid, low-viscosity magma flowing down their sides.' But there are also signs that some Venusian volcanoes were rather more explosive. 'It seems that on Venus, as on Earth, we can have a variety of styles of volcanism,' Wilson said. Future Venus orbiter missions will reveal more detail about Venus and its intriguing, apparently active geology - including just how similar it is to Earth's. The successful eight-year career of Venus Express, however, ended when the craft ran out of fuel in November 2014. The orbiter plunged into the planet's hot, carbon-laden atmosphere in January.

Europe's Philae comet lander has been back in touch with Earth - its first contact since Sunday night. The communication was relayed by its mothership Rosetta, which is in orbit around the four km-wide icy dirt-ball known as 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko. The signal was picked up by the US space agency's huge Goldstone antenna in California and then passed to the European Space Agency in Germany. Before last weekend, Philae had been in hibernation for seven months. The robot lost power sixty hours after landing on the comet on 12 November - the consequence of bouncing into a ditch where sunlight could not reach its solar panels to generate electricity. With the comet now having moved substantially closer to the Sun, the illumination conditions have improved and Philae has come back to life. The communications with Earth - over a distance of three hundred and five million kilometres - have so far been very short, lasting just a matter of a few tens of seconds. A first contact came on Saturday of last week; a second was received on Sunday. Friday's is also very brief - two individual connections lasting two minutes each. This,however, was long enough to glean the health status of Philae, which appears to be good. 'We are very happy to have received signals from the lander again, and we are all working hard towards establishing a robust link between Rosetta and Philae,' commented Patrick Martin, ESA's Rosetta mission manager. Controllers are currently in the process of manoeuvring Rosetta closer to the comet to try to establish longer and more robust connections. This will see the separation brought down to about one hundred and eighty kilometres. In time, it should be possible for Philae to resume the science investigations of Comet 67P that were terminated when the power went down. The key experiment is to drill into the icy body, to determine its chemical make-up. This was tried during November's sixty-hour operating window but failed to produce a result, probably because the posture of the robot meant that the drill tool did not manage to touch any surface material. Engineers think that if they can command Philae to rotate itself in the coming weeks, it ought then to be possible to recover a sample. But this all depends on the power levels available to Philae in its shaded location. There are concerns also for the mothership Rosetta. It has only recently retreated from 67P to try to keep clear of all the gas and dust now coming off the comet as it warms up on its journey in towards the Sun. This blizzard of material has the potential to confuse Rosetta's automated navigation systems, and controllers must take care that they do not put the probe in harm's way as they work on building a better radio link with Philae.
A woman has told London's High Court that she was, allegedly, 'groped' as a fifteen-year-old by the - alleged - comedian Freddie Starr in dirty old scallywag and right rotten rotter Jimmy Savile's dressing room. Karin Ward, fifty six, alleges that the assault took place in 1974 behind the scenes of Savile's Clunk Click TV show (an early fore-runner of Jim'll Fix It). She claimed that she had been 'distressed' because Starr had an 'unpleasant' smell like her abusive stepfather. Starr, seventy two, of Studley in Warwickshire, denies the allegations and is seeking substantial damages and mucho wonga for alleged slander and alleged libel. The entertainer clains that he has lost three hundred thousand knicker from 'shows being cancelled' because of the allegations. He is suing over interviews given by Ward to the BBC and ITV in October 2012, statements made on a website and repeated in an e-Book about Ward's life. Mother-of-seven Ward - a pupil at Duncroft Approved School, in Staines in March 1974 - told the court that she had been sexually abused by filthy old bad'un Savile 'more than once' in return for going to BBC Television Centre in London and being in the Clunk Click audience. 'It was just what men wanted and I very much wanted to go on the telly,' she said. She added that she had been 'given lithium' at the school, which had affected her memory, but that she 'very vividly' remembered that Starr 'smelled of alcohol and cologne.' Challenged by Starr's counsel, Dean Dunham, that the comic had not touched her, Ward said: 'Oh, he did - but he behaved in the same way that every red-blooded male behaved in 1974 when it was perfectly acceptable. That wasn't what I objected to. I didn't like the way he smelt, reminiscent of my stepfather, and I would have preferred him to stay away from me but I wasn't really bothered. It wasn't a bottom pinch or a slap. It was known back then as a "goose", when a man would put his hand under a girl's buttocks and give it a squeeze and usually say "goose" and, at the same time, reach for her breasts and and say "honk, honk." That was supposed to be funny. He got as far as the "goose" and I recoiled because, while I expected that kind of behaviour from all men and was used to it, I was distressed because the smell reminded me of my stepfather.' Ward claimed that she had not complained 'because it was acceptable at the time.' Starr previously told the judge, who is hearing the case without a jury, that he did not, at first, remember appearing on the Clunk Click show and denied ever having heard of it, until footage emerged which showed him in the studio with Ward in the audience behind him. He said that the police undertook a full investigation into the allegation made by Ward and a further thirteen additional complainants who also put forward allegations. The Crown Prosecution Service decided that no charges would be brought. The trial is expected to last two weeks.

The UK press has headed for the Hebrides this week in the wake of news that thieves have raided the community shop on the previously crime-free island of Canna, population twenty six. So, that should narrow down the potential list of suspects, one would've thought/ The Torygraph's Hannah Furness, on Canna, reports that islanders believe they are 'hot on the heels' of the naughty culprits and that they will soon be banged up for their Hellish crimes. 'The question of how the thieves got into the store needed no forensic expertise: nobody locks their doors on the Hebridean island and if the shop's till is unmanned customers are asked to leave their payment in an honesty box, writing down what they have taken on a piece of paper beside it,' she writes. 'The issue of motive is rather more fertile ground. The items stolen from the Canna Community Shop included sweets, batteries and woollen hats usually bought by passing tourists as souvenirs. It is the hats, more than anything, that islanders regard as the biggest clue. Who, after all, would steal such distinctive items knowing that wearing one would be the equivalent of a hand-knitted mark of Cain?' The Torygraph comments: 'The crime wave is the worst since a wooden plate was stolen in the sixties. The consolation is that the culprit is likely to be an outsider. The woolly-hatted biscuit-eating serpent of this Paradise Lost has slithered into exile.'

The daughter of Captain Pugwash creator John Ryan has revealed how her father was 'traumatised' by that long-running urban myth about rude character names which never existed. Isbael Ryan said that her father's 'childlike innocence' was lost after a student newspaper in the 1970s created malicious rumours about the supposed smutty names of the TV show's characters. While it did feature a Master Mate and a Pirate Willy, characters like 'Seaman Staines', 'Roger the Cabin Boy' and 'Master Bates' simply did not exist on board the Black Pig or Cut-Throat Jake's Flying Dutchman. Yet the myth endured for years and even found their way into spectacularly lazy newspaper reports and several books. Small side-point here, but this blogger is very proud to claim that when he co-edited the first edition of The Guinness Book Of Classic British TV in 1993, Keith Telly Topping his very self and his co-authors, Martin and Paul, played our own small part in debunking this widely-published inaccuracy by pointing out that the cabin boy's name was Tom, not Roger and that Pugwash's first mate was always referred to as 'Master Mate' not 'Bates'. Ryan won substantial libel damages from two national newspapers - the Sunday Correspondent and the Gruniad Morning Star - in 1991 after they published stories which claimed - entirely falsely - that the BBC had taken Captain Pugwash off the air because of the risqué names. Although, they never quite explained why the animated cartoon ran, off and on, for nearly twenty years before someone noticed this, alleged, naughtiness. 'Kipper me captans,' indeed. 'Those stories are completely inaccurate,' Isabel told the Coventry Telegraph. 'They're urban myths that have been rubbished. My father was a very charming and innocent man. He would be the last person to make up such names. It really had a bad effect on my father for some time. These stories were entirely invented by a student rag. If you read a book or look at one of the strips, you will see that the character's names are Tom the Cabin Boy and Pirate Barnabas. Yes, there was a Pirate Willy, but back in those times people didn't think that way.' Ryan was forced to turn to the courts to salvage the reputation of his life's work, which he created in 1950 on a shoe-string budget with his wife, Priscilla. Isabel said: 'We had to sue the papers and the stories were retracted. He gave the money from the courts to lifeboat charities.' Sadly, John died in 2009 aged eighty eight.

England chased down a revised target of one hundred and ninety two runs from twenty six overs to beat New Zealand by three wickets and win the - utterly superb - five-game one-day international series at Chester Le Street. The Kiwis posted a total of two hundred and eighty three for nine from their fifty overs, with Martin Guptill and Kane Williamson making half-centuries. A lengthy series of showers during the interval restricted England's innings and they quickly stumbled to forty five for five having lost all of their in-form batsmen - Joe Root, Eoin Morgan, Alex Hales and Ben Stokes. But, Jonny Bairstow's unbeaten eighty three led the hosts to a victory over the World Cup runners-up with an over to spare. The sides will now meet again on Tuesday in a Twenty/20 international at Old Trafford, which is England's final outing before the first Ashes test begins in Cardiff on 8 July. England scored the highest run total by any team in a five-match series - one thousand six hundred and seventeen runs. The five matches also contained the most boundaries from both sides in a five-match series - three hundred and ninety. This is the first time in ODI history that a combined total of three thousand runs has been surpassed in a five-match series. New Zealand - everybody in England's second favourite team after the way they have contributed thrillingly to both this series and the preceding drawn two test rubber - also scored their highest total of runs in a five-match series, fifteen hundred and thirty four. Most English cricket fans, frankly, wish we could play NewZeland every year. We'd lose as many games as we win but, God, it'd be entertaining. Before England turn their attentions to Australia, they can look back at a quite remarkable transformation in their one-day fortunes, after a disastrous period which culminated in their shambolic failure to get beyond the group stages at World Cup group just three months ago. This game, which sealed a first home ODI series win for England since 2012, lacked the explosiveness, and the runs, of the previous four in the series - at Edgbaston, The Oval, Southampton and Nottingham - but was not short on drama as England at one stage needed fifty four runs off thirty five balls with just three wickets remaining. Captain Eoin Morgan has tried to epitomise a new, attacking mentality for England, inspired by his Kiwi opposite number, Brendon McCullam, but his first-ball duck, finding the hands of Guptill with an attempted slog, summed up his side's struggles early on in their innings to chase down a target formulated by the Duckworth-Lewis method. There was also a memorable moment for New Zealand debutant Andrew Mathieson, who has played just nineteen first-class matches and has been representing Sidmouth in the Devon League, when he had Jason Roy caught with his first ball in international cricket. But,England's new attitude seems to be playing eight explosive batsmen in the expectation that even if most of them have an off day, one or two will come good. It took an eighty-run sixth-wicket stand from Sam Billings, who contributed forty one from forty balls, and Bairstow to spark England into life. Bairstow, only in the side because of a hand injury to Jos Buttler, was in a destructive - very Buttler-like - mood, crashing eleven fours on his way to a first one-day international half-century. He received vital support from his Yorkshire team-mate Adil Rashid, who scored an unbeaten twelve, to get England over the line. However, it was Rashid's bowling earlier in the day that may have piqued the interest of England's test selectors ahead of the Ashes. The twenty seven-year-old took two wickets and went for just four and a half runs an over, in a disciplined and wily display of leg-spin bowling. Things had looked ominous for the Kiwis when McCullum, one ball after crashing a six over long on, played a delivery from Steven Finn onto his stumps. And, while Guptill and Williamson staged a recovery, before Ben Wheeler led a late charge with thirty nine from twenty eight balls, England's bowlers were patient and effective, with Ben Stokes finishing with admirable figures of three for fifty two. England's one-day displays against New Zealand, have been 'everything we've strived for over the past few years' said Morgan after the game. 'We've come out of left-field. We've managed to deliver some entertaining cricket. Let's hope going into the Ashes that we maintain that level.' England set a number of records during the series and particularly impressed with the bat - scoring their highest ever ODI score in one game (four hundred and eight for nine in the opening game at Edgbaston last week) and recording their best ever run-chase (three hundred and fifty for three at Trent Bridge on Thursday). Highlights of the earlier games included Buttler hitting the second-fastest ODI hundred by an England batsman, off a mere sixty six balls, while Joe Root completed the fourth quickest in the series opener and further centuries for Root and Morgan in the fourth game. In between, New Zealand won two closely fought contests, with bucket-loads of runs from Guptill, Williamson, Ross Taylor, Luke Ronchi, Grant Elliott and Mitchell Santer in a series where the bowlers on both sides often found the going tough. McCullum said that he was, obviously, disappointed not to win the series, but believed that both sides had played their part in an enthralling five-match contest which saw memorable individual performances. 'It's been a tremendous series,' the Black Caps skipper said to warm and generous applause from yet another full house. 'The Test series was keenly fought and some of the cricket we've seen in this ODI series has been sensational. The wicket here wasn't as quick as others but we knew any score was going to be hard to defend. Credit to England, they held their nerve under pressure. They had the series on the line but managed to stay true to their attacking philosophies.' And, of course, in years to come those who were watching the games on Sky Sports will be able to tell their grandchildren they witnessed the moment when, ahem, 'the commentator's Holding, the bowler's Willey.'
Venezuelan TV presenter Yuvi Pallares - who appears to be geet dirty, by the look of things - has already developed something of a reputation for exhibitionism; on several previous occasions she has whipped her kit off and flashed her lady-bits on telly. This week, she's been at it again. Yuvi promised viewers that if Venezuela beat Colombia at the Copa America she would strip live on-air. They did. So, she did (with Greek subtitles, to boot).
Pallares, host of the subscription-based TV show Desnunando La Noticia, got aal nekked while announcing Venezuela's 1-0 victory over Colombia. Desnunando La Noticia is known for its stripteases during sports reporting. In a way that all the girls on Sky Sports News would, probably, love to but can't because Ofcom would have them over their knee in aninstant. 'We just want to say well done to all the teams who appeared in these first games. A big kiss and a message to the national team - we're with you,' Yuri said during the broadcast. In Spanish, obviously. This is not the first time that Yuvi has got her pants down the lads during a live broadcast. Last month, she got extremely nekked whilst reporting on Cristiano Ronaldo's love life. Before the Copa America began, eight female presenters from Desnunando La Noticia stripped to 'show support' for the Venezuelan team, apparently, and promised to celebrate each an every victory by going as nature intended during the live show. Gosh, imagine if Match Of The Day was like that, dear blog reader. No actually, on second thoughts, don't, it's simply too horrifying for words.

The BBC will dedicate a new series of programming across TV and radio to celebrating all things rock and/or roll this summer as part of the Rock 'n' Roll America season. BBC4, BBC Radio 2 and 6Music will all broadcast programmes that celebrate this genre, including a special three-part documentary series narrated by David Morrissey as well as rock-themed radio shows and specials. Rock 'n' Roll America will look at the beginnings of rock and/or roll music in the USA in the 1950s, before following its explosion around the world with the help of TV appearances by Elvis Presley and culminating with the game-changing arrival of The Be-Atles in America in 1964. David Morrissey will narrate the series, which also features exclusive interviews with a number of iconic names in music, including Ben E King, Tom Jones, Ronnie Spector, Jerry Lee Lewis and Don Everly. The first part of the new documentary series will première on BBC4 on 3 July, with parts two and three following on 10 and 17 July. Speaking of the series, BBC Head of Music Television and the series' executive producer Mark Cooper said: 'In the decade between 1954 and 1964 so much changed in America – musically and culturally. So many of the greats who helped define and kick-start that era are getting to the end of their lives. Now seemed like the perfect moment to celebrate that magical decade, to examine it journalistically and to try and give a sense of what it felt like to be young and alive and inventing something as new and wild and alive as rock 'n' roll.' The weeks leading up to the documentary will also see BBC Radio celebrating the rock and/or roll spirit with a number of dedicated programmes, including Sounds Of The 50s on BBC Radio 2 which launched earlier this month. Hosted by musician, producer and broadcaster Leo Green, the series pays tribute to some of rock and/or roll's greatest songs, performers and writers and will feature music by artists such as Elvis Presley, Eddie Cochran and Buddy Holly & The Crickets. Also in honour of BBC's Rock 'n' Roll America season, 6Music presenter Wor Geet Canny Lauren Laverne will host a debate next month to discuss what rock and/or roll music means today with an hour-long programme set to be broadcast on BBC4 on 24 July.

Isn't it time for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, Keith Telly Topping hears you ask, dear blog reader? Why, yes. Yes, it is. Have some top quality Merseybeat. (The thing this blogger most loves about this particular clip, from ITV's Night Network if you're taking notes, is the fact that, whilst Lee Mavers looks about fourteen on it, Johnny Power looks about twelve! We were all young once, dear blog reader, but it seems The La's were young forever.)

Patrick Macnee, the star of The Avengers, has died in California at the age of ninety three. The actor, best known for playing the charming, quintessentially English super-spy John Steed in the 1960s Telefantasy series, died at his home with members of his family at his bedside, his son Rupert said. A statement on the actor's website read: 'Wherever he went, he left behind a trove of memories.'

The elder of two sons, Daniel Patrick Macnee was born in London in February 1922 into what he would later acknowledge was 'a jolly eccentric family'. His father, Daniel, trained race horses in Lambourn. Patrick's maternal grandmother was Frances Alice Hastings, who was descended from the Earls of Huntingdon. Patrick's parents divorced when he was five after his mother, Dorothea, declared her lesbianism. Subsequently, Patrick lived with her and her lover (referred to in Patrick's memoirs, Blind In One Ear: The Avenger Returns, as 'Uncle Evelyn'!) who helped to pay for Patrick's schooling. He was educated at Summerfields Preparatory School and then Eton. At the age of eleven, he acted in Henry V opposite a young Christopher Lee - the two would remains friends for the next eighty years, appearing together as Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson in a pair of reasonable American TV Movies Incident At Victoria Falls and Sherlock Holmes & The Leading Lady.
At Eton, Patrick was a member of the Officer Training Corps and was one of the honour guard at King George V's funeral at St George's Chapel in 1936. Patrick was later expelled from Eton, allegedly for selling pornography and being a bookmaker for his fellow students. Deciding to become an actor, Patrick first appeared on the West End stage as a teenager and made his film debut as an extra in Anthony Asquith and Leslie Howard's Pygmalion (1938). He enlisted in the Royal Navy as an Ordinary Seaman shortly after the outbreak of war and was commissioned a Sub-Lieutenant in 1943 becoming a navigator on Motor Torpedo Boats in the English Channel and the North Sea. After military service, Patrick attended the Webber Douglas School of Dramatic Art on a scholarship and was soon getting roles in BBC productions like Arms & The Man and A Month In The Country (both 1946). However, disappointed after several years of limited roles, Patrick left England for Canada and the United States. Patrick appeared in supporting roles in a number of films, notably as an extra in Laurence Olivier's Hamlet (1948), in the Gene Kelly vehicle Les Girls and with Anthony Quayle in the war movie The Battle Of The River Plate. He had small roles in Scrooge (as the young Jacob Marley), The Small Back Room, The Elusive Pimpernel and Three Cases Of Murder. He was also one of those unlucky enough to have been involved in Bob Hartford-Davies's notoriously z-list vampire movie Incense For The Damned (a troubled production which ended up being released three years after filming started).
Between these occasional movie roles, Patrick spent the better part of the 1950s working at dozens of British, American and Canadian television productions and in the theatre. Not long before his career-making role in The Avengers, Patrick had taken a break from acting and served as one of the London-based producers for the acclaimed documentary series The Valiant Years, based on the war memoirs of Winston Churchill. It was whilst working on The Valiant Years that Patrick was offered what was initially another seemingly small part, in the first episode of Sydney Newman's new ABC espionage drama.

The Avengers was originally conceived as a starring vehicle for Ian Hendry, who played the role of Doctor David Keel, while Steed was a somewhat shadowy figure who recruited Keel to work with him for as non-specific part of the Intelligence Service. Patrick later became the lead after Hendry's departure at the end of the first season. He then played opposite a succession of female partners who included Honor Blackman, Diana Rigg and Linda Thorson as the series mutated from its original gritty cold war roots into something else entirely. The series ran from 1961 to 1969 and developed a cult following around the world. Not least for having - by a distance - the coolest title sequence in TV History. Witty, gregarious and unflappble even in the face of criminal masterminds with names that usually reflected their varied and deranged obsessions, Steed was known for his immaculate dress sense, always donning a bowler hat and carrying an umbrella, which doubled as a lethal weapon. Steed accomplished his tasks whilst never carrying a gun. As Patrick told the website The Quietus: 'I said that I wouldn't carry one. When they asked me why, I said that I'd just come out of a war in which I'd seen most of my friends blown to bits.'
Although Patrick evolved in the role as the series progressed, the key elements of Steed's persona and appearance were there from very early on: the mysterious demeanour and, increasingly, the light, suave, flirting tone with his female partners, Cathy Gale, Emma Peel and Tara King. Alongside the designer Pierre Cardin, Patrick adapted the Steed look into a style all his own and he went on to design several outfits himself based on the same basic theme. During the 1960s, Patrick also co-wrote two original novels based upon The Avengers, Dead Duck and Deadline. Patrick returned when that series was reprised as The New Avengers in the 1970s, appearing alongside Joanna Lumley and the late Gareth Hunt. In a 2014 interview with The Lady magazine, Patrick said that he believed The Avengers was such a worldwide success because it 'did something different and did it better.' He told the magazine: 'It was beautifully written, the ideas were very good, way ahead of their time and they incorporated fantasies for people who dreamed of doing exciting things.' As this blogger wrote several years ago: 'The Avengers reflected the 1960s by taking its concerns, its neuroses and its aspirations and painted them - in broad, impressionistic cartoonesque strokes - across the canvas of popular consciousness. It was not always pretty, but it was very London. If the 1960s had a face, that face had to reflect the optimism of the age as much as the anger and the confusion and the schizophrenia. Steed didn't, couldn't, represent this. His was more the face of the 1950s: Harold MacMillan's Great Britain rather than Harold Wilson's: Solid, reliable, multi-talented of course but, ultimately, belonging very much to a pigeon-hole of an established order. But Cathy, Emma and even, to an extent, Tara do represent aspects of the 1960s face. And in making that face femaleThe Avengers - as an entity regardless of whether it was "just a TV show" or not - changed the world: Perhaps only to a tiny degree, but changed it nonetheless. Which is as much as any television series has ever done and a damn sight more than many would even dare to try.'
Patrick's other significant roles included playing Sir Godfrey Tibbett opposite his friend Roger Moore in the worst James Bond film, A View To A Kill and as Major Crossley in The Sea Wolves (again with Moore). He also appeared in several cult movie like Joe Dante's The Howling and, in a memorable cameo as the record company executive Sir Denis Eton-Hogg in Rob Reiner's This Is Spinal Tap. In 1981, he played Doctor Stark in The Creature Wasn't Nice. He took over Leo G Carroll's role as the head of U.N.C.L.E. in The Return Of The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
He had guest roles in Encounter, Alias Smith & Jones, Hart To Hart, Murder, She Wrote, Columbo, Gavilan, Empire, Battlestar Galactica, Frasier, Spy Game, PS I Luv U and The Love Boat. He also made an early appearance in The Twilight Zone and presented the American paranormal series Mysteries, Magic & Miracles. Patrick made his Broadway debut taking over from Anthony Quayle in Anthony Shaffer's mystery Sleuth in 1972 and subsequently headlined the national tour of that play. He was, reportedly, not best pleased when he lost out on the role of Andrew Wyke to Laurence Olivier in the movie adaptation. Patrick served as the narrator for several behind-the-scenes featurettes on the James Bond DVDs. He loaned his voice in a cameo as Invisible Jones in the 1998 critically slaughtered film version of The Avengers and also featured in two pop music videos: as Steed in original Avengers footage in The Pretenders' 1986 video 'Don't Get Me Wrong' and in the Oasis's 1996 video for 'Don't Look Back in Anger' (shot at Patrick's palatial gaff in California), as the band's chauffeur. 'I've always been a bit eccentric,' he once noted. 'I love to do things nobody else does.'
Patrick is survived by his two children, Rupert and daughter Jenny, and one grandson. He was married three times, including to the actress Katherine Woodville, with whom he acted in the very first episode of The Avengers. He had been a US citizen since 1959 and spent his later years at a very beautiful home in Palm Beach.

The next series of yer actual Doctor Who will consist of twelve episodes, it has been confirmed. This matches the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama's previous eighth series, according to Doctor Who Magazine. It is unclear if series nine will feature a double-length premiere - akin to 2014's Deep Breath. Episodes eleven and twelve will be the next to go before the cameras, following episode ten - written by Sarah Dollard - with episode nine as the final one to be recorded. Doctor Who will return to BBC1 this autumn, opening with two-parter The Magician's Apprentice and The Witch's Familiar - written by The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and marking the return of Missy (Michelle Gomez). Other guest stars confirmed for the new series include Game Of Thrones' Maisie Williams, Rebecca Front and Paul Kaye, while Jemma Redgrave, Ingrid Oliver and Joivan Wade will all return to the show.
BBC Worldwide Australia & New Zealand has announced the first ever official Doctor Who'Festival' in Australia, which will take place in Sydney at the Royal Hall of Industries & the Hordern Pavilion on Saturday 21 & Sunday 22 November. The Doctor Who'Festival' will be attended by The Doctor, yer actual Peter Capaldi and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat his very self with more guests to be announced in due course. Fans of all ages - with plenty of cash - will be able to celebrate the heritage and magic of the show with exclusive access to props, costumes and talent from both in-front-of and behind the camera. A week after the Doctor Who'Festival' in London, Australian fans will have the chance to hear from key cast members in a series of onstage talent Q&A's, with 'limited' photo and autograph opportunities also available. For a price. A series of interactive workshops with Doctor Who's resident creative team will give visitors the chance to learn about the television production process and what it takes to be a Doctor Who monster. Fans can also test their knowledge for the chance to win some great prizes in the ultimate Doctor Who Quiz, and get some exclusive Doctor Who merchandise. And, in a first for New Zealand fans, yer actual Peter Capaldi will then head to Auckland on the 24 November (presumably, he gets 23 November off for good behaviour) for 'an intimate evening' with fans. Venue and ticket details for this will be announced in due course. And, they'll be expensive, trust me.
BC Worldwide has abandoned plans to release the 1967 Doctor Who story, The Underwater Menace on DVD. This month's Doctor Who Magazine reports that the plan to release the two surviving episodes from the four-part story, alongside animated versions of the two episodes missing from the archives, have been cancelled by the BBC, following 'financial problems' with the company contracted to provide the animation. The Underwater Menace was first shown at the start of 1967, starring Patrick Troughton alongside Anneke Wills, Joseph Furst, Michael Craze and a very young Frazer Hines. It wasn't very good, to be honest, although the infamously over-the-top cliffhanging ending to episode twowas good for a laugh. Following the episode junking which took place in the 1970's only episode three remained in the BBC's shamefully incomplete archives. This episode was included in the Lost In Time DVD Box set, released in 2004. However in 2011 episode two was recovered alongside the third episode of the 1965 story Galaxy 4. It was planned to release the two existing episodes from The Underwater Menace, alongside animated reconstructions of the missing episodes, with BBC Worldwide telling the Doctor Who News website last December that they 'hoped' to release the disc in 2015. However this has now been cancelled following these 'financial problems' at animation company Qurios which have seen the firm cease trading. It has, the magazine report, 'not proved financially viable' to find another partner to take on the animation and the BBC are reluctant to release an incomplete version. Although a DVD release now seems unlikely, it is possible the episodes may be released at some point in the future via some other means. A commentary track has been recorded along with bonus material intended for the DVD. Until then, episode two of The Underwater Menace remains the only classic Doctor Who episode, currently in the BBC archives, which has never had a release on DVD. If you don't count the seven episodes of Marco Polo which they may, or may not, have. Allegedly.

And, speaking of the Doctor Who Magazine, issue four hundred and eighty eight is now available from all good newsagents (and some bad ones) for the usual price, featuring interviews with yer actual Ingrid Oliver, David Warner his very self and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat among others.
Due to a major refurbishment taking place at the Fitzroy Tavern in Charlotte Street, the regular 'first Thursday of the month' gathering of London's Doctor Who fans will be temporarily changing to a new venue for the first time in thirty years. The new venue is the College Arms close to Goodge Street tube station. This was a public service announcement for all those dear blog readers desperate for a pint.

The bus named after John Nathan Turner, Doctor Who's longest serving producer, has entered service in Brighton. As reported earlier in the year, the decision to honour the producer, who lived in Brighton for many years, was taken by a public vote, with John's name adorning one of the twenty four new Coaster buses brought by the city. The bus travels Route Twelve, from Brighton to Eastbourne, passing the Seven Sisters Country park, where parts of 1969 Doctor Who story The War Games were filmed. John Nathan Turner comes with a low emission 'Euro Six' engine, free Wi-Fiso if you're riding on it, you can checkout From The North's latest update, an upper deck table with USB charge points, softer seating, next stop information and real time tracking of the bus location. Too much, a magic bus indeed.
And, so to the latest ratings malarkey: Wretched and unfunny alleged 'sitcom'Vicious dipped yet again in the overnight ratings for its latest episode on Monday. Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Derek Jacobi's utterly laughless comedy-in-name-only brought in 2.18m overnight punters for ITV at 9pm. Elsewhere on the channel, Johnny Kingdom's Wild Exmoor interested 2.71m at 8pm and It's A Funny Old Week - Jason Manford's latest horrifically unoriginal vehicle for the commercial network - was seen by a risibly low 1.32m at 9.30pm. BBC1's Nigel Slater: Eating Together gathered 2.88m at 7pm which, low as it was, was still a higher total than anything on ITV all night outside of soaps. Disaster On Everest followed with 2.19m at 8.30pm and The Met: Policing London was the most-watched programme of the night across all channels outside of soaps with 3.73m at 9pm. On BBC2, The One Hundred Thousand Pound House: The Final Fix appealed to 1.44m at 8pm, while Japan: Earth's Enchanted Island drew an evening high of 2.66m at 9pm. Episodes followed with eight hundred and fifty thousand punters at 10pm. Channel Four's Dispatches was watched by even hundred and thirty thousand viewers at 8pm, before Gadget Man attracted six hundred and ten thousand at 8.30pm and Kevin McCloud's Escape To The Wild was watched by 1.55m at 9pm. On Channel Five, sick Victorian freak show Big Brother remained steady (and, steadily wretched) with 1.01m at 10pm. Earlier, Kicking Off: Caught On Camera'entertained' eight hundred and eighty seven thousand people who enjoy watching grown men and women fighting in the streets at 8pm. Inside Manchester's Midland Hotel interested nine hundred and twenty eight thousand at 9pm. BBC Three's coverage of the Women's World Cup and the England ladies' 2-1 victory over Norway was up to 1.39m between 9.30pm and 12.15am.

The Syndicate dominated overnight ratings outside of soaps on Tuesday evening. The BBC1 drama's third series continued with 5.12m punters at 9pm, while Imagine ... interested nine hundred and ten thousand at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial was seen by eight hundred thousand at 7pm, before Mountain Lions: Big Cats In High Places brought in 1.67m at 8pm and The Bank: A Matter Of Life & Debt averaged nine hundred thousand at 9pm. A repeat of Rev followed with five hundred and thirty thousand viewers at 10pm. ITV's A Great Welsh Adventure With Shouty Griff Rhys Jones had an audience of to 1.71m at 7.30pm, while Love Your Garden was watched by 2.54m at 8pm. Don't Blame The Council appealed to a miserably low 1.58m at 9pm. Channel Four's No Offence ended its first series with 1.02m at 9pm. Consolidated figures for previous episodes show that the comedy-drama, recently recommissioned (see below), has averaged around 2.4m total viewers per episode. Meanwhile, Big Brother continued to shovel the nation's collective intelligence down the nearest sewer on Channel Five with 1.11m at 10pm. On E4, the latest episode of Empire drew an audience of four hundred and thirty six thousand at 9pm, while Tattoo Fixers debuted with three hundred and eighty six thousand viewers, up forty eight per cent on the channel's average overnight audience in that particular timeslot.

Mawkish, trite, bland as a boiled egg Long Lost Family continued, depressingly, to be an overnight ratings winner for ITV on Wednesday. The Davina McCall-fronted series was watched by 3.55m at 9pm. Earlier, The Cube drew 2.61m at 8pm. Don't Tell The Bride's BBC1 debut brought in 2.77m at 8pm, while The Interceptor continued to shed viewers faster than ... big shedding thing with 2.39m at 9pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: Chefs On Trial interested six hundred and eighty thousand at 7pm, before Dara & Ed's Great Big Adventure averaged eight hundred and seventy thousand at 8pm and Napoleon was watched by 1.10m at 9pm. Channel Four's The Auction House gathered 1.01m at 8pm and Twenty Four Hours in A&E had an audience of 1.63m at 9pm. Peter Kay: Live & Back On Nights followed with 1.26m at 10pm. Psycho Pussies: When Cats Attack brought in 1.59m at 8pm on what was - in relative terms - a strong night for Channel Five (and a rather weak one for everyone else). Nightmare Tenants, Slum Landlords was next with 1.15m at 9pm, while Big Brother rose to 1.25m at 10pm.

Celebrity MasterChef was BBC1's medium-sized overnight ratings winner on Thursday. The cookery competition - so z-list this year that the latest episode featured Syd Little, fer Christ's sake (who was, incidentally, incorrectly described as 'a comedian' during the episode) - brought in 3.84m overnight punters at 9pm to top the ratings outside of soaps. In and of itself a sad indictment of just what a thoroughly rotten night all round it was. Elsewhere, Watchdog averaged 3.52m at 8pm, and Question Time interested 2.27m ) at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Rick Stein's German Bite gathered 1.11m at 8pm, before Protecting Our Foster Kids was watched by seven hundred and seventy thousand at 9pm and Mock The Week continued with 1.30m at 10pm. ITV's Tonight was seen by 2.61m at 7.30pm, while Big Box Little Box got 2.13m at 8.30pm. Superhospital followed with 2.76m at 9pm. Dogs: Their Secret Lives had an audience of 1.05m on Channel Four at 8pm and The Tribe appealed to 1.10m at 9pm. Channel Five's latest contender for the most ignorant and offensive format they've yet came up with, Celebs On Benefits: Fame To Claim was gawped at by nine hundred and sixty four thousand brain-dead troglodytes at 8pm, while Big Brother's latest crass scum-filled hour brought in 1.12m at 9pm. Person of Interest drew five hundred and thirty four thousand at 10pm. Meanwhile, Love Island continued with four hundred and fifty two thousand sad, crushed victims of society on ITV2 at 9pm.

An average audience of nine hundred and eighty thousand overnight punters watch BBC2's Glastonbury coverage from 8pm. It returned with nine hundred and forty thousand at 10pm, while a further five hundred and seventy thousand stayed up late to watch a mixture of highlights and live coverage at 11pm. BBC3 broadcast various Glastonbury sets throughout the evening, beginning with two hundred and thirty five thousand for James Bay & Catfish and The Bottlemen at 7pm. Jungle & The Vaccines continued with three hundred and forty thousand at 8pm, while nine hundred and sixty nine thousand watched Rudimental's set from 11pm. BBC4's Glastonbury coverage included three hundred and eighty three thousand for Motorhead at 8.30pm and five hundred and seven thousand for Mark Ronson at 9pm. For the second week running, The Graham Norton Show was the evening's highest-rated programme outside of soaps. An average audience of 3.41m watched guests including Lewis Hamilton at 10.35pm. BBC1's evening began with 3.24 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 2.43 million for Would I Lie You?Celebrity Masterchef continued with 3.29 million from 8.30pm until 10pm. Outside of Glastonbury coverage, BBC2 attracted 1.69 million for Gardener's World at 8.30pm, followed by nine hundred and forty thousand for Arthur Ashe: More Than A Champion at 9pm. On ITV, Gino's Italian Escape drew 2.47 million at 8pm while 2.11 million watched a Doc Martin repeat at 9pm. Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was once again Channel Four's highest-rated show with 1.19 million. It was sandwiched between seven hundred and ten thousand for Location, Location, Location and nine hundred and ninety thousand for The Last Leg at 10pm. The latest Big Brother live eviction was seen by an average audience of 1.08 million at 9pm on Channel Five.
Prized Apart dipped to two and a half million overnight punters on Saturday. The BBC1 'etnertainment' (and I use that word quite wrongly) format averaged 2.48m from 7pm shedding one hundred thousand from the previous week's debut episode. The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins was watched by 3.53m afterwards. Casualty had 3.99m from 8.55pm, then The John Bishop Show appealed to 2.76m. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat was watched by 1.16m. Coverage of Glastonbury and, specifically, Kanye West's headline set appealed to 1.04m from 9.30pm. ITV broadcast the movie Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix for the nineteen time from 7pm, which was watched by by 2.21m. On Channel Four, Nasty, Agenda-Soaed Tory Penelope Keith's Horrid Hidden Villages fell to nine hundred and four thousand from 8pm, down from the previous week's audience of just over a million, which does rather restore ones faith in the viewing public knowing a stinking turkey when they see it gobbling at them. The film Taken 2 then averaged 1.7m. Channel Five's latest Big Brother fiasco took eight hundred and seventy seven thousand in the 9pm hour. On the multichannels, the set by Paloma Faith - dressed as a cat, for some obscure reason - at Glastonbury drew eight hundred and seven thousand from 9pm on BBC4. Burt Bacharach's performance an hour earlier was watched by just over six hundred thousand punters, including this blogger. Obviously.

Ah, yer man Burt at Glasto, dear blog reader. Niiiiice. And, when he played 'Alife' at the climax of a lengthy 'Movie Medley', well, the last time this blogger felt that good, it involved a bottle of tequila, a big dirty woman and a feather boa. True story.




The dramatic finale of season five of Game Of Thrones delivered a record consolidated +7 audience of 3.1 million on Sky Atlantic, making it the most-watched programme ever on Sky, aside from live sports events. The figures include live audiences for the 2am simulcast with the US and 9pm broadcast on 15 June, as well as viewers watching Sky+ recordings and catching up on-demand over the next seven days. Overall, audiences for the latest series of Game Of Thrones were up forty two per cent on the average audience for the previous four series.

The first episode of series two of True Detective was broadcast around the world this week. This blogger can't make up my mind yet if there was too much plot or not enough. The thing looked gorgeous, though. And, location spotting in Sherman Oaks and North Hollywood was, for this blogger at least, a lot of fun. I particularly enjoyed that shot of the freeway just off Mulholland Drive, an area of LA which yer actual Keith Telly Topping knows very well from numerous trips up it to the Airtel Plaza in Van Nuys each February in the late 90s and early 2000s.
But, just as one great US drama returns, another one is ending with the horribly unwelcome announcement that NBC has decided not to pick up its option on Hannibal. Technically speaking, network hasn't cancelled Bryan Fuller's Red Dragon prequel after three seasons - they doesn't produce the show in the first place, merely broadcast it. There's quite an interesting article on the Cultural Leanings website about this very subject and the - seemingly quite slight - chances of the production being picked up by another network or a streaming service. Nevertheless, please allow this blogger to bellow 'you utter bastards, I was watching that,' loudly in NBC's general direction. Mind you, yer actual still hasn't forgiven them for cancelling The West Wing. Gits. The current thirteen-episode third season of Hannibal will run its course in the US on Thursdays at 10pm, concluding on 27 August. The fourth episode was shown this week and was, as usual, terrific. Alleged 'sources' allegedly told The Hollywood Reporter that there 'may have been a rights issue' at the centre of the decision to end the series as Fuller had wanted to introduce the character of Clarice Starling in season four, with the rights to the character previously portrayed by Jodie Foster in The Silence Of The Lambs said to be 'unavailable'. Although a far more likely reason was the it, simply, wasn't pulling in the numbers that NBC were banking on. Producers Gaumont TV are currently said to be 'exploring options' to see if they can find another home for the series, with Executive Producer Martha DeLaurentiis confirming as much via Twitter. 'NBC has allowed us to craft a television series that no other broadcast network would have dared and kept us on the air for three seasons despite Cancelation Bear Chow ratings and images that would have shredded the eyeballs of lesser Standards & Practices enforcers,' Fuller also said in a statement. '[NBC Entertainment executive] Jen Salke and her team have been fantastic partners and creatively supportive beyond measure. Hannibal is finishing his last course at NBC's table this summer, but a hungry cannibal can always dine again. And, personally, I look forward to my next meal with NBC.' The network added in a statement: 'We have been tremendously proud of Hannibal over its three seasons. Bryan and his team of writers and producers, as well as our incredible actors, have brought a visual palette of storytelling that has been second to none in all of television - broadcast or cable. We thank [producers] Gaumont and everyone involved in the show for their tireless efforts that have made Hannibal an incredible experience for audiences around the world.' All of which is of no comfort whatsoever to viewers who were enjoying the damn thing.
The latest Hannibal episode - Aperitivo - incidentally, featured the welcome return of both Fredrick Chilton and Alana Bloom, the latter of whom got three or four of the best lines in series so far. This blogger particularly enjoyed: 'I've always enjoyed the word defenestration. Now I get to use it in casual conversation.' And: 'Forgiveness isn't all its cracked up to be, Mister Verger. I don't need religion to appreciate the idea of Old Testament revenge.' Although Jack Crawford's pithy one-line description to Chilton concerning the current state of Will and Hannibal's relationship - 'maybe it's one of those friendships that ends after the disembowelling' was also pretty decent!
Dame Diana Rigg has paid warm tribute to her Avengers co-star, the late Patrick Macnee. 'Patrick was a very dear man and I owe him a great deal,' she said.
The spy novelist John Le Carre is to make a cameo appearance in the BBC adaptation of his novel The Night Manager starring Tom Hiddleston. He will appear opposite Hiddleston in a restaurant scene. The book tells the story of a former British soldier who becomes embroiled in the arms trade. It also stars Huge Laurie, Olivia Colman and Tom Hollander and is the first television adaptation of a Le Carré novel in more than twenty years (since Smiley's People, in fact). Le Carre also made a brief cameo appearance in a Christmas party scene in the film adaptation of his novel Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, starring Gary Oldman in 2011. Filming started on The Night Manager this spring and the mini-series will be broadcast in 2016. It will be a contemporary interpretation of the novel in which Hiddleston will play British serviceman Jonathan Pine. He is recruited by an intelligence operative, played by Colman, to navigate the shadowy recesses of Whitehall and Washington and infiltrate the inner circle of an arms dealer, played by Laurie. The book has been translated into more than twenty languages and has sold more than one million copies in North America alone since it was first published in 1993.
Matthew Macfadyen - seen below in a Keira Knightley/Rosamund Pike sandwich (and, hey, why ever not) - and Romola Garai are among the latest actors who have joined ITV's feature-length film Churchill's Secret. Set during the summer months of 1953, the one-off drama stars Michael Gambon as Churchill (the British Prime Minister, that is, not the dog off the insurance adverts), who in his late seventies suffered from a life-threatening stroke. The story is told from the perspective of his young nurse Millie Appleyard (played by Garai). Macfadyen will play Churchill's son, Randolph. Daisy Lewis, Rachael Stirling and Tara Fitzgerald have signed up to portray Sir Winston's other children Mary, Sarah and Diana respectively. Further cast additions include Bill Paterson, James Wilby, Alex Jennings, Patrick Kennedy, Christian McKay, Chris Larkin and John Standing. Churchill's Secret is based on Jonathan Smith's recently-published book The Churchill Secret: KBO, and is being adapted by Stewart Harcourt. Filming will begin this month in London, Hayes and at the Churchill family's principal home in Kent.
Tom Hardy is returning to the acclaimed BBC gangster drama Peaky Blinders for its third series. Creator Steven Knight has confirmed that the busy actor will be back as the imposing Alfie Solomons. 'Yes, Tom is coming back,' Knight told Deadline. He also hinted that more big-name guest stars could sign up to appear in the next series, adding: 'We have new big roles that are written and have enormous interest from really good people. We're hoping to land some good names. The response from everyone and people in the business has been unbelievably good, so we're in a good place for approaching people who wouldn't normally do this sort of thing.' The next series of Peaky Blinders will begin shooting in September with Knight again voicing his ambition to follow Thomas Shelby (Cillian Murphy) til the eve of World War II. 'It's a long shot, but the ambition is, I would love to end the final episode of the final series with the first air raid fire of the Second World War,' he explained. 'We've been going in two-year jumps [between series], so that would be about ten series. We may have to start making bigger jumps to get to that point. But I'll let the story lead [and do] what feels natural'"
Sir David Attenborough has paid a visit to The White House at the invitation of President Obama, to discuss the future of the planet. If, indeed, it has one. The president described himself as 'a huge admirer' of the broadcaster. 'You've been a great educator as well as a great naturalist,' he told Sir David who made the visit on his eighty ninth birthday. David described the president as 'friendly, hospitable and genuine.' The full interview can be see on BBC on Sunday 28 June.

Stephen Mangan and Six Feet Under actor Michael Weston are to lead the cast of ITV's period drama Houdini & Doyle. The UK/Canadian co-production will be executive produced by House creator David Shore, and follows the real-life friendship between the Sherlock Holmes author and the famous illusionist. Mangan will take on the role of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, while Weston will play Harry Houdini. Set at the turn of the Twentieth Century, the drama will explore their unique friendship and how they both worked with New Scotland Yard on unsolved crimes. Albeit, it should be noted that, in real life, the pair's - seemingly very sincere - friendship came to an abrupt end shortly before Houdini's untimely death due to the latter's frustration over Conan Doyle's increasingly bizarre behaviour and belief in spiritualism and, you know, fairies and that. Canadian actress Rebecca Liddiard will play Constable Adelaide Stratton, who in the series is the first female officer to work for the London Metropolitan Police Force. Blackadder's Tim McInnerny will play Inspector Horace Merring, while Adam Nagaitis will appear as Sergeant George Gudgett. Stephen Hopkins will be the show's lead director, while Adrian Sturges (who worked on The Enfield Haunting) will produce. David Shore said of the series: 'I've long been intrigued by both Houdini and Doyle; men who were ahead of their time, each fascinating in their own right. But the idea that these two, seemingly so different, could have been friends is almost too perfect. In Michael and Stephen, we have found two incredible actors that embody the intelligence, humour and mystique of these men, who even when viewed through the lens of history, are larger than life.'Houdini & Doyle will begin shooting later this year and will be broadcast on ITV in 2016.

And now ...
Ofcom - a politically appointed quango, elected by no one - has received more than one thousand whinges (from people with, seemingly, nothing better to do with their time) after Big Brother contestant Helen Wood compared her fellow housemate Brian Belo to a rapist and murderer. Belo, who, like Wood, is a former Big Brother winner - quit the show after the row, saying that he felt 'degraded.' Although, one imagines the money he'll be paid by the production will, perhaps, somewhat ease his pain. Wood's behaviour drew three thousand eight hundred and seventy four complaints on last year's show - which she won - amid allegations of bullying. Ofcom said that they would 'assess' the whinges from Wednesday night's episode 'before deciding whether to investigate.' As if anybody with an ounce of substance between their ears that isn't, you know, shit, actually cares about such trivial bollocks as this. Belo became increasingly stroppy and discombobulated during Wednesday's show on Channel Five, which saw the contestants invited to play a game in which Big Brother his and/or her very self posed a series of antagonistic questions for the contestants to answer about each other. Wood and Belo argued, culminating in Wood telling Belo: 'Brian you look like a rapist, you look like a murderer-slash-rapist.' Various other contestants then told Wood that she was 'out of order', but she continued her invective, telling Belo 'you have issues. The men in the white coats are waiting for you,' she told him, as he stormed into the diary room. The row resulted in Wood and another contestant, Marc O'Neill, being given a formal warning. Belo confided in fellow contestant Nikki Grahame with whom he entered the house on 12 June Speaking in the diary room, a visibly upset Belo said: 'I feel like I'm being ganged up on. I don't want to cry. I've tried to keep away from there. I shouldn't have come back here. This is really hard. I feel like I'm living in hell. I'm defeated. I'm getting a barrage of abuse.' He described Wood as having 'the morals of an alley cat. I just feel degraded,' he told fellow Grahame. He ended up quitting the show, by climbing over the garden wall. Former contestants Wood, Belo - who won Big Brother in 2007 - and Grahame were brought into the show two weeks ago, as part of this series desperate efforts to attract some viewers to the increasingly jaded and sick Victorian freak show. Following his departure, Wood said that she had called Belo a rapist 'to get a reaction', and was 'glad' he had left the house because he 'made my skin crawl.' She added that honesty was 'one of my best qualities'.Which is the usual excuse given by ignorant rude bastards when saying offensive, upsetting shit to others, this blogger has noticed. In a statement, a Channel Five spokesman said: 'Big Brother takes rule-breaking very seriously. Helen and Marc were both warned regarding their behaviour and as with all housemates they continue to be closely monitored at all times."
US broadcaster, PBS, is postponing its third series of Finding Your Roots, after the show omitted 'embarrassing' details about Ben Affleck's ancestry. Finding Your Roots, which is similar in format to the BBC's Who Do You Think You Are?, researches celebrity family histories. A review into an episode, which was broadcast in October, concluded that Affleck lobbied producers about ditching details concerning his slave-owning ancestors. PBS said that it plans to hire a fact-checker and an independent genealogist in future - although, one does rather wonder why they hadn't thought of doing that in the first place. Following its investigation, PBS concluded that producers 'violated network standards' by allowing Affleck to have 'improper influence' and 'by failing to inform PBS or [New York TV station] WNET of Mr Affleck's efforts to affect programme content.'The public service broadcaster said that it would not commit to a fourth season of the series 'until we are satisfied that the editorial standards of the series have been successfully raised to a level in which we can have confidence.' Affleck's request to omit details about a slave-owning relative from the show came to light with the publication of hacked Sony e-mails between the series host, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr, and Sony Entertainment CEO Michael Lynton. Gates is professor and director of the Hutchins Center for African and African American Research at Harvard University. The details were eventually left out of the show. 'I lobbied him the same way I lobby directors about what takes of mine I think they should use,' Affleck wrote on Facebook, when the e-mail exchange came to light earlier this year, seemingly oblivious to all of the trouble he'd gotten Gates into. 'I didn't want any television show about my family to include a guy who owned slaves. I was embarrassed,' the actor said, not unreasonably. At the time, Gates defended his editorial choices: 'Ultimately, I maintain editorial control on all of my projects and, with my producers, decide what will make for the most compelling program [sic]. In the case of Mr Affleck - we focused on what we felt were the most interesting aspects of his ancestry,' Gates said in April. In a statement released on Wednesday, Gates thanked PBS for its 'thoughtful internal review. I sincerely regret not discussing my editing rationale with our partners at PBS and WNET and I apologise for putting PBS and its member stations in the position of having to defend the integrity of their programming.' The third series of the show will be delayed to ensure 'improved editorial and production processes', PBS said in their statement. It added that the episode in which Affleck's ancestry was examined will be withdrawn from all forms of distribution, including digital streaming and DVD.
Paul Hollywood, Mark Gatiss and Jerry Hall are among those who will trace their family history in the new series of Who Do You Think You Are? One imagines non of those have slave-owners in their ancestral closet. The twelfth series of the popular factual show has signed up ten celebrities who will investigate their genealogy to find out what happened to their ancestors. Last Tango In Halifax actors Sir Derek Jacobi and Anne Reid will also feature, as will the actresses Jane Seymour and Frances De La Tour and choirmaster Gareth Malone. Rounding out the series will be reporter Frank Gardner and Anita Rani. The new series will take the celebrities to places including Tunisia, Tasmania, India and America, with discoveries about convicts being sent to Australia, sisters separated by the Holocaust, socialites accused of treason in Tudor England and even stories about vampires. Hall's story sees her discovering her ancestors' history as pioneers in America, while Jacobi's history includes big twists such as an ancestor leading a double life and an unlikely connection to royalty. 'Who Do You Think You Are? is back with another fantastic line-up of much-loved faces, uncovering hidden history by bringing our celebrities' ancestors to life,' said the show's executive producer Colette Flight. 'Following our best-known stars on their personal journey into their family trees reveals extraordinary stories, sometimes tragic, sometimes funny, but always compelling.'Who Do You Think You Are? will return with its new series this summer on BBC1.

Horrifying things we learned from the Metro this week. Number one: Balding, risible, up-his-own-ringpiece TV hasbeen Paul Daniels is a fan of NCIS. This blogger may stop watching the popular long-running US crime drama in protest. The lovely Debbie McGee's opinions on her fictional namesake, Tim is not, at this time, known.
Ben Fogle has signed up to host BBC2's new 'global fishing competition'The Big Fish. The series will see eight amateur anglers from the UK battling it out to prove their fishing prowess in front of judge Matt Hayes. Sounds riveting telly. The contestants will travel across four continents and will visit a different country in each week's episode to become immersed in local fishing techniques. Why they don't just ask Wor Geet Canny Robson Green to give them some tips is a question best left for another day. The amateurs will be judged both by Hayes and by a local specialist. 'I'm really thrilled to be a part of the series to see how these fantastic fishermen get on in some really tough places, learning to fish the way the locals do and facing some pretty extreme water around the world,' Fogle said. 'We will be immersed in the countries we are staying in and will hopefully come face to face with some phenomenal fish.' And, hopefully, some phenomenal chips to go with 'em.
Channel Four has commissioned a full new series of Chris Evans' chat show TFI Friday following its one-off revival earlier this month. Eight episodes of the show have been ordered and will be broadcast later this year, the broadcaster has announced. Evans, recently confirmed as the new host of the BBC's Top Gear will present the programme. TFI Friday, which mixed music and chat with stunts and sketches, originally ran from 1996 to 2000. A one-off revival of TFI Friday was broadcast on 12 June and featured appearances by former Oasis singer Liam Gallagher, Roger Daltrey and F1 champion Lewis Hamilton. The show drew a peak audience of 4.2m viewers. A short filmed sketch showed yer man Jezza Clarkson instructing Evans in how to present the motoring show. Evans was confirmed as the new Top Gear presenter just four days after the programme was broadcast on Channel Four.
Meanwhile, because there's a 'y' in the day, some Middle Class hippy Communist arsehole of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star has run yet another Top Gear-related story (based on camera-phone footage recorded by some snitching Copper's Nark in the audience at one of the live shows). And, obviously, to the tutting disapproval of many of the Middle Class hippy Communist readers of the Gruniad, seemingly. Christ only knows what the Gruniad are going to do once Chris Evans'Top Gear starts if Jezza, Hamster and Cap'n Slow haven't started whatever their next project is by that time. They'll have nothing to write about. They'll have to go back to reporting the frigging news. What a novel concept.

A TV presenter has claimed she was banned from breastfeeding at the Chelsea Flower Show. Gardeners' World host Rachel De Thame revealed she was stopped from doing so while filming at the world famous horticultural showcase. The presenter told Radio Times magazine: 'I absolutely think women and men are equal in the world of horticulture and design, though there was one occasion when I was filming at the Chelsea Flower Show and I wasn't allowed to breastfeed. I'm an Earth mother. I liked being pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding. Up until that point, the job I was doing was working really well with juggling the kids, but not then.' The fifty three-year-old, a familiar face on the BBC’s coverage of the event alongside the likes of Monty Don and Joe Swift, has four children aged between nine and twenty six. Speaking about this year's show in May, she added: 'Having said there are as many opportunities for men as there are for women, I did notice that there weren't many show gardens designed by women this year at Chelsea and I am not sure what that's about. Maybe the same issues that affect women working in other spheres do affect women in horticulture. We have babies. We are not available for full-time work.' A spokesman for the Royal Horticultural Society said: 'When Rachel De Thame left the RHS Chelsea Showground to breast-feed over ten years ago, the reason was because babes in arms and children under five are not allowed on site for their own safety. This would not be the same at RHS Hampton Court Palace Flower Show for instance, which is a much more spacious and less busy showground.'

Paul Abbott’s darkly comic police drama No Offence starring Joanna Scanlan will return for a second series on Channel Four. The Shameless, Touching Evil and State Of Play creator's latest drama, which also stars Elaine Cassidy, Alexandra Roach and Will Mellor, launched with an audience of two and a half million viewers last month. Abbott has described it as a 'comedy for a crime-addicted audience who love The Bill. It's The Bill, tilted.'Although the drama has not held onto all of its overnight audience, it has been warmly received by critics. The first series ends on Tuesday. Channel Four said the consolidated series average, including people who recorded it and watched it in the subsequent seven days, was 2.5 million, forty seven percent up on its slot average. Filming on the new eight-part series will begin in Manchester in early 2016. Programme makers said that it would 'see the team investigating a whole new case, involving warring crime families and will see DI Deering [Scanlan] come up against her toughest adversary yet - a woman who is pretty much her mirror image, in her brains, ingenuity and determination, except she's on the other side of the law.' Channel Four's head of drama, Piers Wenger, said: 'No Offence is not just unlike any other cop show on TV, it's unlike any other show on TV – and we are delighted to announce its return next year. Paul and the cast have set the bar high in terms of thrills, spills and belly laughs this year and we can’t wait to see where they go in series two.'

Full-of-his-own-importance slapheed Nick Robinson has said that he is unsure whether a comment made by oily David Cameron about shutting down the BBC was a joke or a genuine threat. The Gruniad Morning Star has publicised the report, which Robinson, who is political editor for the BBC, originally wrote in his new book Election Notebook. The extract reads: 'News reaches me from the Tory campaign bus that the PM marched on board and called the story "rubbish." When one hack jokingly muttered "Bloody BBC," the PM responded, "I'm going to close them down after the election!"Joke? Expression of frustration? Threat? All three? No one could be sure.' Robinson has since spoken to the Gruniad and said that although he was 'unsure' if the Prime Minister had been joking or not, it was still seen as added 'pressure' by many within the BBC. 'What really matters is the impact it has on other people,' he said. 'Some people on the bus regarded it as funny but they generally didn't work for BBC. The people who did regarded it as yet another bit of pressure and a sort of sense of "Don't forget who's boss here."' He also said that other comments made by Conservative ministers 'publicly and privately' had 'added to concerns' of BBC staff. However, Robinson added that he does not think the Government would close down the BBC even if the Prime Minister's comments were made seriously. 'The Tory's attitude and Cameron's in particular is rather like their attitude to the Church of England,' he said. 'They are delighted it exists and regard it as vital to the fabric of England, but they also find it really annoying. I've never met a senior Tory who wants to close down the BBC. I could be proved wrong (but) I don't think the BBC will get closed down.'
Meanwhile, the shadow lack of culture secretary Chris Bryant has criticised anonymous briefings claiming that the government is going to 'cut the BBC down to size' and called for the launch of a consultation on the corporation's future. 'The BBC is the single biggest cultural investment we make in the UK and is one of our greatest assets,' said Bryant. 'Yet with time fast running out for charter renewal, the government still haven't even started formal negotiations on its future. Instead of this spree of wild anonymous briefings about how the Tories are going to cut the BBC down to size, the government must launch an open, wide and transparent consultation as a matter of urgency.' Bryant was responding to recent reports on the government's plans for negotiations over the renewal of the BBC charter, expected to be outlined in a green paper released this summer. The reports include claims in the Torygraph that the government will hand oversight of the corporation to communications regulator Ofcom, and plans to continue the freeze of the licence fee. However, according to the Gruniad Morning Star, alleged government 'sources' have allegedly told the alleged newspaper that 'no decisions' have been made and the green paper will not name a replacement for the BBC Trust. Other themes expected to be discussed in the document include the possibility of privatising or part-privatising BBC commercial arm BBC Worldwide. Details of the paper are 'still being finalised', but there are, the Gruniad claim, 'also suggestions that it will look at the privatisation options for the BBC's in-house production departments.' Bryant added: 'There are important issues to address, especially how to regulate the BBC, how to guarantee its independence and how to fund it. The last thing viewers and listeners want is a slash and burn raid on the Beeb.' On Thursday, the Independent reported that chancellor George Osborne is considering shifting the bill for free licences for the over-seventy fives from the welfare budget to the BBC, leaving a six hundred million quid hole in the corporation's finances. The corporation is also facing a further gap of two hundred million smackers if plans to decriminalise non-payment of the licence fee go ahead.
You wouldn't expect the BBC to ever have to apologise for Alan Titchmarsh swearing on live TV, but it happened on Tuesday morning. BBC Breakfast said sorry to TV viewers after Titchmarsh mentioned 'bastard trenching', apparently a legitimate gardening term. 'I don't double dig every day - digging to two spades' depth. There's another name for it, and it sounds terrible, but it's called bastard trenching,' he said. 'By the end of it you realise that's a very fitting name for it.' Host Louise Minchin said: 'Thank you very much. And I just have to offer our apologies for the language used in the last couple of minutes. Apologies if people were offended.''Oh no, no,' Titchmarsh replied. 'It's a term in a gardening book. I shan't repeat it but it's not offensive at all.' As it turned out, viewers were actually more annoyed that the BBC felt it necessary obliged to apologise in the first place, rather than the phrase itself.
ITV News has reshuffled its presenters with Tom Bradby stepping down as political editor to become the main presenter of News At Ten. The bulletin is returning to its 1990s format with a single anchor, which for most of the year will be Bradby. The rest of the time it will be fronted by current co-anchor Julie Etchingham and, occasionally, international affairs editor Rageh Omaar, who currently presents some weekend bulletins. It means that after eight years at the helm of the flagship bulletin, Mark Austin will move to co-anchor the early evening news with Mary Nightingale. Austin has fronted the 6.30pm bulletin before, when Sir Trevor McDonald returned to News At Ten for its last major relaunch in 2008. 'Some within ITN have expressed their surprise at the move given that Austin has twice won the Royal Television Society presenter of the year award' claim the Gruniad Morning Star citing no names for any of these people who were, seemingly, surprised. So, that either means the Gruniad are lying or someone at ITV has been snitching like a filthy stinking Cooper's Nark. Although the 6.30pm bulletin gets substantially more viewers than News At Ten it is viewed as a prestigious position and earlier this year it won the RTS Daily News Programme of the Year. However ITV is understood to be keen to make Bradby one of the key faces of its channel. He has established the well-regarded political show The Agenda and also wrote drama The Great Fire.

Susanna Reid has secured herself a reputation for on-air gaffs on ITV's breakfast TV flop, Good Morning Britain. The host’s latest unintended moment saw her having a sudden realisation that she'd left her breakfast plate on the floor in clear view of the camera. Susanna carried on talking to camera as if nothing had gone awry. Her foot, however, could be seen pushing the plate behind her desk in comic 'no one will notice' slow motion. A solid, if futile, attempt.
She might not play big fat cuddly Pat Butcher anymore, but actress Pam St Clement was allegedly involved in confrontational Eastenders-esque scenes with a railway worker after a Pat Butcher joke didn't go down very well. According to witnesses, the ex-Eastender told the worker at the quiet Haddenham and Thame Parkway station, Oxfordshire, to 'fuck off' after he joked: 'Pat Butcher? I thought you were dead.' The seventy three-year-old former actress played the character for twenty six years before leaving the soap in 2012. The Sun reports that commuters were left 'gob-smacked' when Pam, allegedly, 'went ballistic' at the worker and that she was, apparently, 'disgusted' at what he said. An - anonymous, and therefore probably fictitious - 'onlooker' who was, presumably, paid for their grassing, snitched like a Copper's Nark: 'He obviously meant absolutely nothing by it. I'd have thought that she got called Pat all the time to be honest, she was on the telly for years.'
Former Coronation Street actress Michelle Keegan has landed a starring role in the BBC1's drama Our Girl. In the five-part series about medics in the British Army, Keegan will play Corporal Georgie Lane, an army medic on a risky mission in Kenya. 'I'm a massive fan of the series so I can't wait to be a part of it,' Keegan told the Mirra. 'It's going to be a big but exciting ­challenge for me.' Well yes, as it will, presumably, involve acting. That'll be a change. A BBC spokesman added: 'It won't be an easy posting as she has to earn the love and trust of her fellow soldiers and the greater respect of her commanding officer, while ­working alongside aid workers in the world's biggest refugee camp. Kenya will be full of surprises that will challenge Georgie professionally and personally.' The first series followed Molly Dawes, a medic in Afghanistan played by Lacey Turner. Turner will note be continuing with the series due to her EastEnders commitments. Filming of the second series of Our Girl starts in January, and it is due to be broadcast in late 2016.
They have become a fashion staple for modern women, yummy mummies and slinky-hipped hipsters, but skinny jeans should come with a health warning, 'experts' claim. Squatting in tight jeans can, apparently, cut off the blood supply to muscles and compress a nerve behind the knee which brings a debilitating loss of feeling in the legs, feet and toes, according to doctors. Albeit, doing so also makes the day of any passing admirer of callipygian excellence. Just, you know, something to drop into your toaster and see if it pops up brown. Alleged health 'experts' issued the warning after a thirty five-year-old woman in Australia was found lying on the ground, unable to get up, after collapsing when her feet and ankles became numb. In the hours before she fell, she had been helping a friend to move house and had squatted down frequently while wearing jeans to empty cupboards and lift up boxes. Her calves were reportedly so swollen that the jeans had to be cut off. She couldn’t move her ankles or toes properly and had lost feeling in her lower legs and feet. Doctors said the pressure of material on the back of the leg caused a condition called 'compartment syndrome' where the blood supply to the leg muscle was reduced, causing swelling of the muscles and compression of the nearby nerves. Changing a car tyre, or replacing a bicycle wheel could also lead to a similar crouching posture which could potentially compress the fibular nerve and cause leg numbness. The woman, who has not been named, suffered 'serious swelling' in her calf muscles, and needed to spend four days in hospital on an intravenous drip before she could walk again unaided. So, to sum up then, wearing tight, potentially circulation-cutting, clothing isn't a good idea if you're planning on doing any sort of physical activity. No shit? We needed 'experts' to tell us this? Did everybody take the frigging Stupid Pill this week, or what?
You won't have to shell out a fortune for curries, salads and barbecues this summer because prawn prices have, if you will, dived. Hurrah. This blogger likes a nice prawn curry, he may have mentioned this on occasions in the past. Anyway, the cost of warm water prawns has reportedly fallen by fifteen per cent wholesale since April. They are recovering after disease struck the crustacean's main habitat in the tropics during 2013. The Thai Shrimp Association (for, there is such an organisation and good on them, they do jolly fine work) said this week that it expects output to rise by five to ten per cent above last year's haul of two hundred and thirty thousand tonnes of nice juicy prawns, the Grocer magazine reports. The price of cold water prawns has also been falling for the past two years.
The Italian firm behind Ferrero Rocher chocolates and Nutella Spread has agreed to buy British chocolate retailer Thorntons for one hundred and twelve million smackers, striking a rare deal to expand in Europe's biggest confectionery market. The deal is the first by family-owned Ferrero International since the death earlier this year of its patriarch Michele Ferrero, who was reported to be Italy's wealthiest man and largely shied away from acquisitions as he built up a business that also spans Kinder Surprise eggs and Tic-Tac mints. Ferrero said on Monday that it would pay one hundred and forty five English pence per share in cash for the one hundred and four-year-old Thorntons, a forty three per cent premium to the British firm's closing stock price on Friday. Thorntons' management said it backed the deal. Thorntons has been hit in recent years by the rise of newer and upmarket brands such as Green & Black's and Hotel Chocolate. Ferrero is best known in the UK for its piss-funny and pretentious 1990 TV adverts which featured Ferrero Rocher being passed around at an embassy party with the now infamous tagline 'Ambassador, you're spoiling us.'
BBC presenter Paul Rose has said he is 'happy to be alive' after a terrifying polar bear attack. The explorer was filming forthcoming BBC2 series The Pennine Way on the Arctic East Coast of Canada when the incident took place. Speaking about the attack, Rose said: 'The first thing I knew was when I woke up unable to move as it had me pinned down. Somehow I got out from underneath the bear, only to find I was staring right at it after I carefully opened the zip at the front of the tent to look outside.' Paul added: 'Perhaps I should have stayed in the Pennines. There's certainly less likelihood of encountering a polar bear there.' Oh, I dunno, I've heard one or two have been spotted in The Tyne Gap. Rose later wrote on Twitter: 'Polar bear in my tent last night. Wrecked tent. Sore shoulder. Alive, happy!'
A lifelong football fan has left his favourite amateur club more than three hundred grand in his will. Colin Rowell was an avid Bishop Auckland supporter and left the bulk of his estate to the club following his death in January at the age of seventy nine. Stunned officials said that the bequest would help to secure the County Durham club's future. Rowell, from nearby Cockton Hill, has no surviving family members and had been a fan of the club for more than seventy years. The Northern League Division One club has pledged to mark the gesture by scattering Rowell's ashes on the pitch and naming a section of its Heritage Park ground after him. Club chairman Richard Tremewan said the generosity was 'unprecedented. Although we have received one or two bequests before, we've had nothing like this,' he said. Darren Brown, of Hewitts Solicitors, in Bishop Auckland, said: 'Colin never married and he had no children so it was, perhaps, the natural thing for him to leave it to the football club that had given him so much pleasure over the years. After he died, we found a drawer full of newspaper clippings about Bishop Auckland FC and the team's new ground at Heritage Park. Clearly, he followed them until the end.' He said that Rowell had stipulated the money must be used to improve the team's home ground. Executor of Rowell's will, Karen Eyre, said: 'Colin loved sport of all kinds, but football, in particular. Shortly before he died, he said to me that his dream would be to have his ashes scattered on the penalty spot at the new ground. He would have been delighted to know that's what is going to happen.'

England beat New Zealand by fifty six runs in the one-off Twenty/20 international at Old Trafford on Tuesday. Joe Root hit sixty eight in England's one hundred and ninety one for seven, with Jason Roy, Alex Hales and Ben Stokes all playing bright cameos. After Brendon McCullum bludgeoned thirty five from fifteen balls, New Zealand were well set at eighty two for two from eight overs. But collapses of three for twelve in eleven balls and then five for four in twelve balls saw the Black Caps bowled out for one hundred and thirty five in 16.2 overs, despite Kane Williamson's classy fifty seven. In an entertaining contest which provided a fitting finale to New Zealand's thrilling tour which has done so much to remind people why cricket, actually, can be good fun, England earned victory in their final match before The Ashes begins on 8 July. They did so at a packed, sun-drenched Old Trafford thanks to another display of unrelenting aggression with the bat and then a fightback with the ball after a lightning New Zealand start. In the face of McCullum's power and Williamson's artistry, England were failing to master a pitch that both took spin and required the fast bowlers to vary their pace. McCullum cleared the ropes four times, twice from the first two deliveries of Mark Wood's T/20 international debut, only for the Durham seamer to bowl the New Zealand skipper off his pads later in the over. If that was one problem dealt with for England, they still had to contend with Williamson, who played his part in taking Adil Rashid's loose first over for sixteen runs. As Williamson and Ross Taylor added forty one in twenty six balls, New Zealand appeared to be coasting, especially when wicketkeeper Jonny Bairstow dropped a relatively simple chance off Taylor from the bowling of Ben Stokes. But, when Rashid returned to have Taylor held at long-off in the next over, the momentum was reversed. Stokes bowled Colin Munro and had Luke Ronchi skying a ramp shot into the gloves of Bairstow in the same over and, from then on, England did not relent. Dot balls were accumulated, the ground fielding improved and, after Mitchell Santner missed a swing at Wood, a moment of brilliance effectively sealed England 's victory. As New Zealand looked for a quick single, David Willey swooped in the covers to hit the stumps with a direct hit to remove Williamson. From there, the Black Caps subsided, Willey taking the final two wickets in as many balls to leave the tourists well short of an England total that had seemed only slightly above par earlier in the day. A steady flow of wickets prevented the hosts from ever truly breaking the shackles, with Roy, Hales, Sam Billings and Stokes all briefly sparkling around the in-form Root. Roy looked likely to be destructive, dancing to clear the ropes, before he was run out by a poor call from Hales for twenty three. Hales also threatened before skying the impressive left-arm spin of Santner for twenty seven, leaving the inventive Root to cut, pull and dab his way to a thirty six-ball half-century. Billings's power helped take twenty three off one Nathan McCullum over and, after both he and Root fell to Mitchell McClenaghan, Stokes added some late impetus. By then, though, England already had enough.

Separated by the Tamar and conflicting views about whether butter or jam goes first on a scone, Devon and Cornwall have always had a keen rivalry. But in the world of cricket the two proud counties could be willing to put differences aside and come together, if it offers them a chance to play at the highest level. The England and Wales Cricket Board is currently reviewing the structure of the domestic game and one possibility could be to increase the County Championship from eighteen to twenty one clubs, split into three divisions, instead of the current two. This would be the first time the championship had been expanded since Durham's elevation to first class status in 1992. It has been suggested that Ireland and Scotland could take two of the extra places, and Devon and Cornwall are willing to unite to fill the third. Devon has provided a number of well-known cricketers, including former England wicketkeeper Chris Read and brothers Craig and Jamie Overton, who play for Somerset and were recently called into the national one-day squad. Cornwall, meanwhile, had a local boy in England's 1986-87 Ashes-winning team with Surrey wicketkeeper Jack Richards, who was born in Penzance, playing in all five Tests. The ECB is saying very little on the subject at present, apart from a statement saying that it is 'at an early stage of the review process.' No decision on changes to the domestic programme are expected until late November, but there is no doubt that there is an appetite for first-class cricket in the South-West area. Devon took the scalp of Leicestershire in the 2004 C&G Trophy and their one-day matches against first-class counties were always popular, with crowds of five thousand regularly turning out at Exmouth.

The actress who played Titty in the acclaimed 1970s adaptation of Swallows & Amazons says she thinks the name is sweet and that she has been sent messages from around the world following the decision to rename the character Tatty in a new film version of Arthur Ransome's classic children's story. Sophie Nevile said that the news Titty's name will be changed to avoid, ahem, titters and innuendo 'has started an impassioned national debate. I had no warning! However a whole range of comments from fans has hit my social media pages.' She went on: 'I loved playing the part of Titty in the EMI film Swallows & Amazons, made on location in the Lake District back in 1973. It has been such an enduring success that children all over the world still call me Titty. It's a sweet name. They'll see me in the street and call out, "Hello, Titty! How are you?" That can turn a few heads. I was in France last year when an adult started calling me Titty. He apologised, realising he was calling me by the character name, and then went right on calling me Titty, quite naturally. I don't mind a bit.' She says in a letter to the Gruniad Morning Star that she often spends time with Suzanna Hamilton, who played her sister, Susan, in the film, and that they still refer to each other by their characters' names. Nevile went on: 'I am sure the producer of the new film adaptation of Swallows and Amazons has a reason for changing the name. I have a young friend called Tatty who is just like the character, so can easily take it on board. Arthur Ransome was inspired by a real girl. Her nickname came from the fairytale Titty Mouse and Tatty Mouse. He insisted that Titty wasn't short for anything. Roger Wardale, Ransome's biographer, will confirm that she was just called Titty in the books. I received the sweetest e-mail from Japan saying "We love your Titty!" I was once staying at Bank Ground Farm in the Lake District to record an interview for the BBC with Ben Fogle, when two Japanese ladies arrived to stay there. They flung up their hands and screamed in delight. The name Titty echoed from the hills of Cumbria.' The BBC is in the process of filming the latest adaptation of Ransome's story, which follows the adventures of the Walker children – John, Susan, Titty and Roger – as they sail on a lake and camp on an island one summer. Characters’ names have often been modified to avoid sniggers from modern audiences. A 1963 film adaptation of Swallows & Amazons renamed her Kitty, while Fanny in Enid Blyton's The Faraway Tree became Frannie. And, as for Garry Russell's Dick ... 'nuff said. (sorry Garry, love, I know it's an old joke but I couldn't resist.)
A street sign stolen from a Nottinghamshire village - which shares the name of Batman's home city - has been found. The metal sign welcoming people to Gotham was found by officers in Loughborough after they executed a search warrant on a premesis in the town. The sign belongs to Nottinghamshire County Council and has previously been taken from its spot on Nottingham Road between Clifton and the village of Gotham. Previously, community support officer Anthony Davies said that people may have taken the sign 'as a prank' owing to its links with Batman. A spokesman for Nottinghamshire County Council, who sounds like he was enjoying his moment in the spotlight, said: 'This has all the hallmarks of The Joker's work. We will arrange for the batmobile to collect.'
'An angry dwarf' has been jailed after impersonating a Dalek which led to him being Tasered twice by the police according to the Daily Torygraph. Ian Salter-Bromley, stuck a sucker dart on his carers in his sheltered housing complex in Hull. Salter-Bromley, who is four feet tall, had initially been 'quite jolly' but his mood changed and he threatened to kill one of the members of staff. He returned to his flat and barricaded the door after they called the poliss and he was involved in a stand-off before he was tasered. Twice. The police claim they were 'worried' they would hit his colostomy bag but, used the tasers anyway. The offence was committed during 'a campaign of public abuse' after Salter-Bromley allegedly defecated in a council office in a protest about his kitchen work tops having been mounted eight inches too high for him to reach. Salter-Bromley, it is claimed, 'exposed himself and spread excrement and urine' in the main reception of Hull's Wilson centre and in toilets. He was given an ASBO for making a string of nuisance calls to emergency services. Salter-Bromley appeared for sentence at Hull Crown Court after admitting a charge of affray for threatening police during the Dalek stunt, possession of a knife in a public place and breach of another ASBO for threatening a woman on a bus with a bread knife when he thought children were making fun of his dwarfism. Crown barrister Dale Brook said that on 5 July last year Salter-Bromley threatened members of staff at Thornton Court in the activity room saying 'I am going to kill you, Joe' after pretending to be a Dalek. Hull Crown Court heard that when police arrived, Salter-Bromley barricaded himself in his flat. Officers forced their way in and found him holding a twenty centimetre knife. 'One officer described him [as] angry with veins sticking out of his neck. They eventually tasered him with two stuns guns because they "feared for his welfare,"' the court heard. Brook said Salter-Bromley had to be sentenced for a disturbance on board a bus on 9 September when he produced the knife and began 'waving it about' before telling one woman that 'if he was going down for killing someone, she was going down with him.' A passenger managed to disarm Salter-Bromley and he was arrested by British Transport Police at Hull Paragon Interchange. Salter-Bromley also breached an anti-social behaviour order by going into the station, which he is banned from entering, on 22 November. Three days later he abused a security staff member at Newington Health Centre, breaching his ASBO again. Defence barrister Paul Genney said that the offences 'sounded worse than they were' as his client was 'a lonely man with few friends' who recently had his wheelchair stolen. 'The incident in Thornton Close got out of hand. He had a target dart to stuck to the middle of his forehead and dominoes in his mouth. He was in his wheel chair and said "I am a Dalek! Exterminate! Exterminate!"' Genney claimed that Salter-Bromley 'took no issue' that the police had to be called after he barricaded himself in his room but questioned what threat he posed to others. 'He is three feet tall,' said Genney. 'He is a dwarf. He has a zimmer frame and a colostomy bag. Not the most threatening figure in the world. He was tasered not once but twice. It is a very sad state of affairs. He said in the bus incident the woman admitted she had not felt threatened. The knife was only a butter knife, which was blunt and only slightly serrated,' he added. 'His physical state is poor. He once tried to kill himself and broke his back. He also doesn't have his wheelchair anymore, after it was stolen and walks everywhere with his zimmer frame. My client is depressed and is in enormous suffering. He drinks, has no friends and is isolated. But I admit he is often his own worst enemy.' Jailing Salter-Bromley for nine months, Recorder David Gordon told him: 'Individually, these aren't the most serious offences, but together they take on a different complexion. You would have been jailed for longer if it hadn't been for your disabilities. I appreciate you are isolated and have an extremely lonely life, which makes you frustrated. But now you have time behind bars to reflect and try to keep your temper under control.'

One of the schoolgirls accused of the brutal attempted murder of a classmate to please the fictional character Slender Man has admitted she may try to attack someone again. Morgan Geyser, aged thirteen, made the shocking revelation to a doctor as he tried to assess her mental health according to the Daily Mirra. They state that Doctor Kenneth Casimir asked Geyser what she would so if Slender Man told her to kill again and she, allegedly, responded: 'Well, if he told me to hurt more people, I'd have to do it. If he told me to break into someone's house and stab them, I would have to do it.' Casimir made the revelation during a court hearing in which a judge is trying to decide if the girl should be tried as an adult or a child. Geyser arrived at the hearing with her hands and feet shackled and, the newspaper add, 'fidgeted as psychiatrists testified about her rare early-onset schizophrenia.' Doctors claim that the thirteen-year-old 'masterminded' the plot to stab a classmate nineteen times after she and her fellow accused, Anissa Weier, lured their twelve-year-old victim, Payton Leutner, into the woods in Waukesha, Wisconsin. 'She continues to believe that Slender Man is real. She continues to believe that she has an ongoing relationships with several characters from the Harry Potter book who come and visit her and who she feeds and who sometimes sleep over,' psychiatrist Doctor Kenneth Robbins said. 'Severe schizophrenia is predictably going to do very poorly in the criminal justice system and we have hundreds of examples of that,' he added. The judge wants to take a few weeks to decide a very gray area of the state's law: What is the appropriate way to try a young girl with severe mental health problems accused of an adult crime. Each girl's case will be decided individually so it is possible for one girl to be tried in children's court and one in adult court. The final decision will be made in August. Geyser and Weier were both just twelve at the time of the attack in May last year. The girls could be sentenced to up to sixty years in prison if they are convicted as adults. The two girls' attorneys have never denied they attacked and stabbed Leutner, but claim they were so disturbed they truly believed the Slender Man - a popular online urban myth - would kill their own families in three seconds if they did not do his bidding.

NASA's Curiosity Rover has photographed a pyramid on Mars - possibly containing Sutekh, possibly not, this blogger will leave it up to you, dear blog reader, to work that one out. At least, this is what some 'paranormal enthusiasts' (or, 'totally bloody nutters' as they're also know) seem to believe. A new YouTube video from Paranormal Crucible (who are, obviously, not mental nor nothing, oh no, very hot water) claims that a photo image snapped by the rover's Mastcam camera on 7 May shows a pyramid of 'near perfect design and shape' and that the object is likely 'the result of intelligent design and certainly not a trick of light and shadow.' Not surprisingly, NASA's explanation for the object in the photo is somewhat more down to Earth. Or, down to Mars, if you prefer. 'It is a rock,' Doctor Jim Bell, deputy principal investigator of the Mastcam investigation program and a professor of astronomy at Arizona State University, told The Huffington Post in an e-mail when asked whether Martians were, if you will, walking like an Egyptian. 'It is probably a volcanic rock (like most rocks that we've seen with rovers on Mars), and just like many volcanic rocks on the Earth, many volcanic rocks on Mars break and cleave in very sharp, angular ways. This one happens to have cleaved into a pyramidal shape, which is actually not too uncommon among hard, dense volcanic rocks on the Earth either.' As for the size of the rock, Professor Bell said an analysis by the Mastcam team suggests that it is 'only about four inches tall.' Bell, who said the photo was 'fun to look at but not particularly Earth-shattering', or, indeed, Mars shattering, seems to have been trying hard not to offend anyone who believed the pyramid story. Unlike this blogger.

It's just two weeks to New Horizons' Pluto fly-by and the NASA spacecraft's teams are working overtime to make sure it meets the 14 July date. On earlier this month, a small fifty-second thruster burn was completed to correct New Horizon's trajectory and flight time. The course correction was one of three planned months in advance, according to Doctor Bobby Williams, director of space navigation and flight dynamics for KinetX Aerospace, leading the New Horizons navigation team. As the rendezvous with Pluto approaches New Horizons' hazard detection team will be looking for any unknown bodies or debris. 'The images are going to be like suddenly putting something into focus,' Williams explains. Scientists are hoping to be able to estimate the mass of Pluto and its several moons with the data collected from New Horizons. The spacecraft will also give scientists a chance to see Pluto's moons up close. 'We're stretching the limit, there are no other spacecraft this far out, about thirty astronomical unit from the Sun,' says Williams. 'We're completing the first full recount of the solar system, Pluto being the end point.' Williams said that he hopes the navigation team will be able to use what they learn from New Horizons to help future deep space missions go even further. 'Every day we break a new distance record to Pluto, and every day our data get better,' says mission Principal Investigator Alan Stern, of the Southwest Research Institute. 'Nothing like this kind of frontier, outer solar system exploration has happened since Voyager 2 was at Neptune in 1989.' After the fly-by New Horizons will still have enough power and fuel to run for quite a while suggests Williams. Mission control are planning a manoeuver after the Pluto fly-by to further explore within the Kuiper Belt beyond Neptune.

Joni Mitchell is still unable to speak after being found unconscious in her home in March, according to her friend David Crosby. Crosby said the singer-songwriter had suffered a brain aneurysm and faced a long struggle. 'She is home, she is in care, she is recovering,' he told Th Huffington Post. 'How much she's going to come back, and when, I don't know.' There has been no official confirmation of Mitchell's condition; the seventy one-year-old was found unconscious in her Los Angeles home on 31 March and taken to hospital. A statement released on her website several days later said that the singer was 'resting comfortably' and continued to 'improve and get stronger each day.' Her representatives later denied that Mitchell was in a coma, saying 'she's alert and she has her full senses.''"She took a terrible hit,"' said Crosby on Saturday. 'She had an aneurysm and nobody found her for a while. And she's going to have to struggle back from it the way you struggle back from a traumatic brain injury. To my knowledge, she is not speaking yet.' Crosby and Mitchell dated in 1967, when he was still a member of The Byrds. They have remained close friends ever since. 'She's a tough girl and very smart,' he said. 'I love her. She's probably the best of us — probably the greatest living singer-songwriter. [But] I think we're all holding our breath and thinking of goodbye. And hoping it's gonna turn out okay.'
Yer actual Saint Brian Wilson has called off his UK tour later this year, to promote a new movie about his life. The seventy two-year-old former Beach Boy was due to play a string of shows in Britain this September. But, due to the success of the biopic Love & Mercy, starring Paul Dano and John Cusack as the singer at different stages of his life, Wilson has postponed the tour to support the movie. A statement on his official website read: 'I'm sorry I won't be able to make these shows this year, but I look forward to seeing all my fans in 2016 to help me celebrate fifty years of Pet Sounds. This will be my final European tour.'
A new documentary film about late Pink Floyd founder Syd Barrett is set to be released later in 2015. Barrett, who died in 2006, founded The Pink Floyd with Roger Waters, Nick Mason and the late Rick Wright in 1965. He famously retreated from the media's spotlight after leaving the band in 1968. The film, titled Have You Got It?, is directed by Roddy Bogawa and aims to provide insight into the singer and guitarist's semi-mythical life and short musical career. It features interviews with the surviving members of the band. Speaking to Mojo recently, Bogawa described the film as 'truly unique', adding that it 'has an intimate quality that the other films about [Barrett] haven't been able to capture.'
And, finally, dear blog reader, the first in a new semi-regular From The North series, 'Only In America'.
For the latest Keith telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, how's about a quality bit of Britney?

Doctor Who is bringing back Rachel Talalay to direct this year's series finale. The Tank Girl director was previously behind the camera for series eight's two-part closer, Dark Water and Death In Heaven. She will return to direct episodes eleven and twelve this year - written by Doctor Who's executive producer The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE).
Yer actual Peter Capaldi has promised 'an epic sweep' for the upcoming ninth series of Doctor Who. Returning for his second series as The Doctor, Peter told Entertainment Weekly that fans can expect 'old monsters and new ones. 'There is an epic sweep to this season and I think the villains and monsters reflect that,' he said. 'Great new ones, brilliant old ones, and some very scary creatures looming in stories with real emotional ambition.' Peer also hinted that his Doctor would be less curmudgeonly this time around - 'throwing himself into life with a new found hunger for adventure. He's in pursuit of joy and grabbing every thrill that he can along the way,' he said. 'But, I sense him running from something, that even he does not yet understand. [The opening episodes] place The Doctor in a conflict that is central to his being, as well as containing some subtle tributes to the 1960s and truly wonderful guest performances,' he said, adding that The Doctor will 'make a mistake that has cataclysmic repercussions.'
The Met: Policing London topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Monday. The documentary series continued with 4.05m at 9pm, gaining more than three hundred thousand viewers week-on-week. Earlier, Nigel Slater: Eating Together appealed to 2.46m at 7.30pm and Panorama drew but 1.76m at 8.30pm. On BBC2, Wimbledon's opening day highlights rounded up the events for 1.34m viewers at 8.30pm, before coverage of the RHS Hampton Court Palace Show brought in 1.23m at 9.30pm. Episodes followed with seven hundred and seventy thousand punters at 10pm, while Newsnight had six hundred and fifty thousand at 10.30pm. ITV's Countrywise averaged 2.40m at 8pm, before Vicious shed even more viewers, drawing just 2.17m at 9pm. Which was bad, but not a patchy on the properly awful audience It's A Funny Old Week attracted with all of the enthusiasm of a fart emerging from a pile-ringed anus - a mere 1.22m at 9.30pm. Jason, mate, fer Christ's sake, next time ITV offer you a format that's not only unoriginal but also unfunny, make an excuse and run. On Channel Four, Dispatches was watched by 1.09m at 8pm while The Real Story interested 1.71m at 8.30pm. Kevin McCloud's Escape To The Wild continued with 1.97m at 9pm and Man Down had an audience of five hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. Big Brother remained steady - and, steadily rotten - with 1.09m on Channel Five at 9pm, while Under The Dome was watched by six hundred and forty eight thousand at 10pm.

The BBC's revamped Wimbledon highlights show has come under fire from newspapers - with an agenda - and 'some people on Twitter during the first week of the Championships. Because, as we all know, according to most of the media, Twitter is The Sole Arbiter Of The Worth Of All Things instead of, you know, just a bunch of mouthy glakes whinging about shit. It appears that many tennis fans enjoyed the reliably straightforward nature of the previous format, Today At Wimbledon's replacement, Wimbledon 2day, hosted by Clare Balding. Still present are McEnroe and Lindsay Davenport as expert pundits, only they are not afforded the opportunity to be sharp and informative amid the 'interactive' features of the new format. 'Dumbed down' and 'full of gimmicks' according to detractors, Wimbledon 2day attempts to incorporate 'quirky skits' and 'fan interaction' with a chat show format played out in front of a live audience of fans who are made to stand in The Gatsby Club (one of Wimbledon's hospitality suites) clutching drinks and trying to catch the camera's eye over McEnroe's shoulder. The Daily Scum Mail's odious rancid pile of phlegm, Jan Moir was particularly scathing about the new show - so, no obvious sick agenda at work there then - arguing that the 'disastrous' new show was 'a travesty and a tragedy' more about Balding and 'silly features' than about giving the fans what they actually wanted – to watch some tennis. As though anybody gives a stuff about what those worthless pile of turds at the Daily Scum Mail think. About anything. 'Like some nightmarish cross between Top Gear and Play School, guests must chat to Clare while standing around one of those high top tables that are so popular in wine bars,' the vile and wretched Moir whinged. 'Precious little court action from the day's matches is shown. Instead of crisp analysis and lots of tennis, there are gimmicky items. Tennis fans who have been working all day, which means the vast majority of us, want to come home and watch a plain and simple, comprehensive round-up of the day's play. We want as many on-court highlights as possible and straight-forward scrutiny and expert opinion. What we don't want is Clare reading out inane tweets or talking over match play while rock'n'roll musik is played over her words.' Well, thanks for appointing yourself the spokesperson for a generation of tennis fans, you odious horrorshow (and drag). The Guardian Morning Star's Stuart Heritage was equally critical and dismissive, saying: 'Wimbledon 2day has a horrible name. But that's only part of the reason why everyone hates it – and, let's be clear, they really do hate it. They hate it because it can't decide whether it wants to be Top Gear or The ONE Show, when actually it should be a sober review of matches that people missed because they were working. They hate it because it has a shipped in a pseudo-studio audience who are only there to look bored and go "Weeeey" whenever prompted.' Thanks, Stu, but you can't have the job of being the spokesperson for a generation of tennis fans, that Jan Moir from the Daily Scum Mail already has it. Tough break. Inverdale fronted the much-loved Today At Wimbledon for a dozen years, a format which could easily have been continued with a fresh presenter. Indeed, even leading pundit McEnroe was seemingly left confused by the new show's purpose, saying 'this is so bizarre and crazy.' When later randomly asked by Balding if he'd ever had a beard, McEnroe responded bluntly, 'What the hell are you asking me about beards for?' So-called 'media insider' - whatever the fuck that means - Charles Sale claimed in another Daily Scum Mail column of the new show: 'There is much bemusement among the BBC's Wimbledon team as to why it was felt necessary to dispense with the successful highlights show hosted by John Inverdale for a woeful Clare Balding-presented programme that is being panned from all quarters. Such has been the criticism that Balding, a frequent Twitter user, hasn't been on the site since the hugely negative response to her new programme, which is the talk of Beeb personnel.' And, he's a 'media insider', apparently, so he should know. A BBC spokeswoman has defended the show, saying: 'The focus of the highlights show remains the tennis, which forms the vast part of the programme, along with analysis from expert pundits. This is a new look for the show which we expect to evolve as the fortnight progresses.'

The Syndicate continued to top the overnight ratings outside of the soaps on Tuesday. The BBC1 drama continued with 5.03m at 9pm, while Imagine ... brought in eight hundred and fifty thousand at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Wimbledon 2day was watched by 1.36m at 8.30pm, while The Bank: A Matter Of Life & Debt interested seven hundred and ten thousand at 9.30pm. Newsnight followed with seven hundred and ninety thousand at 10.30pm. ITV's flop documentary series A Great Welsh Adventure With Griff Rhys Jones continued with 1.79m at 7.30pm while Love Your Garden dipped to 2.24m at 8pm. The 7/7 Bombing: Survivors' Stories was seen by 1.57m at 9pm. Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners averaged 1.21m for Channel Four at 8pm, while Child Genius had an audience of 1.24m at 9pm. On Channel Five, OAPs Behaving Badly was watched by seven hundred and thirty nine thousand at 9pm, while Big Brother continued with 1.19m at 10pm. E4's Empire brought in three hundred and ninety five thousand at 9pm.

England's injury time exit from the Women's World Cup brought in impressive numbers for BBC1, according to overnight figures for Wednesday. The team's semi-final defeat to Japan averaged 1.74m from 11.15pm. Earlier, Don't Tell The Bride continued with 2.63m at 8pm and the latest episode of The Interceptor brought in a mere 2.45m at 9pm. Not, quite, as staggeringly disastrous a flop of Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell but hardly numbers that will have the drama department rushing to commission a second series. ITV's Long Lost Family topped the ratings across all channels outside of soaps, remaining consistent with 3.63m at 9pm. The Cube was seen by 2.88m at 8pm. On BBC2, Wimbledon 2day appealed to 1.30m at 9pm, before coverage of the RHS Hampton Court Palace Flower Show interested 1.07m and Newsnight followed with seven hundred and forty thousand punters at 10.30pm. Channel Four's The Auction House gathered 1.03m at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours In A&E was watched by 1.50m at 9pm. Big Brother continued with 1.16m on Channel Five at 10pm. E4's US imports Jane The Virgin and Nashville continued with one hundred and twenty three thousand viewers at 9pm and two hundred and six thousand viewers at 10pm respectively.

Celebrity MasterChef topped the overnight ratings outside of soaps on Thursday. The z-list celebrity cooking series continued with 3.75m viewers at 9pm, following Britain Beneath Your Feet, which brought in 3.34m at 8pm. On BBC2, Wimbledon 2day was up three hundred thousand on the previous night with 1.71m at 8.30pm, before coverage of the RHS Hampton Court Palace Flower Show averaged 1.25m at 9.30pm, and Mock The Week drew 1.35m at 10pm. ITV's Tonight was watched by 2.31m at 7.30pm, while Big Box Little Box continued with 2.31m at 8.30pm. Superhospital was up next with 2.33m at 9pm. Channel Four's Dogs: Their Secret Lives had an audience of 1.16m at 8pm and The Tribe brought in 1.05m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Benefits: Thirty Seven Years On The Dole was watched by 1.04m at 8p, before Big Brother dipped to 1.07m at 9pm. Person Of Interest had six hundred and sixty thousand viewers at 10pm.

The latest Big Brother live eviction was seen by more than one million sad, crushed victims of society on Channel Five on Friday. An average overnight audience of 1.01 million tuned in to the Victorian freak show to watch another housemate leave the compound. BBC1's Celebrity MasterChef was the evening's highest-rated show, attracting 3.59 million at 8.30pm. BBC1's evening kicked-off with 1.77 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 1.7 million for a Would I Lie To You? repeat immediately afterwards. The night ended with 2.65 million for The Graham Norton Show at 10.35pm, which featured highlights from the previous season. On ITV, Gino's Italian Escape: A Taste Of The Sun was seen by 2.18 million and an old episode of Doc Martin played to 1.79 million. Tennis - and whinging, cos those two seem to go hand-in-hand dominated BBC2's schedule, with 1.3 million watching the latest episode of Wimbledon 2Day. The evening continued with 1.63 million for Gardener's World at 9.30pm and 1.15 million for RHS Hampton Court Palace Flower Show. Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was Channel Four's highest-rated show with 1.2 million, narrowly beating The Last Leg with 1.18 million punters.

Coverage of the Women's World Cup in Canada drew an audience of more than 1.4 million overnight viewers on Saturday. England's third-place play-off match against Germany averaged 1.44m from 8.30pm on BBC3. England eventually won 1-0 after extra time. Family Guy followed the football, as the 11pm and 11.20pm episodes were watched by 2.07m and 2.03m punters respectively. On the terrestrial channels, BBC1's coverage of Wimbledon continued with 4.17m across the evening from 5.15pm. BBC2's Wimbledon 2Day managed seven hundred and fifty four thousand from 8.30pm. ITV broadcast Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince, which averaged 2.3m. On Channel Four, Nasty Penelope Keith's Wretched & Awful Hidden Villages concluded with eight hundred and thirty threee thousand from 8pm, before the movie GI Joe: Retaliation attracted 1.92m. On Channel Five, the latest Big Brother'highlights' appealed to eight hundred and ninety eight thousand in the 10pm hour.



Sexy Suzi Perry - the only woman in TV history who looks as good in leather as Diana Rigg - has hinted that she has spoken to Top Gear producers about joining the show. Speaking on ITV's This Morning on Tuesday, the presenter said: 'You know what it's like when you work for a channel and you have conversations. But we don't know what's going to happen with that show. So until as a broadcaster you know what's going to happen with the show, I don't think you can really think very seriously about it.' However, she admitted that she doubts she would have enough time to film both Top Gear and the BBC's F1 coverage, saying: 'I'm away twenty weeks a year doing Formula 1. 'So unless someone has invented forty eight hours in a day. It would be pretty tough I think for me to do it.' When asked if she had once turned it down, Perry said: 'When they brought it back ten or twelve years ago, they didn't have the whole team assembled, so it wasn't true that it was those three - because if it had of been those three, I probably would have jumped on board. Jeremy [Clarkson] wasn't on board at the time and there was a lot of talk about it. I just didn't think that I could do it.' Perry added: 'I feel okay about it [now] actually because I think those three were incredible together. They made that show a success with Andy Wilman, it was about those three, I don't think it was particularly about the format, it was very much about their relationship together and that's what works. That's what's dynamite on television and that's what needs to be assembled. That's what Chris [Evans] has to do, he has to assemble a good team that works very well together and keep the good bits and freshen it up with some new bits.'
Deadline is reporting that Hannibal's cast and crew have been released from their contracts. In addition to other stumbling blocks towards making any potential fourth season of Hannibal, new contract deals would have to be negotiated with stars Hugh Dancy and Mad Mikkelsen - presuming it didn't interfere with their other potential upcoming projects. Showrunner Bryan Fuller, who has been asked non-stop about Hannibal's possible future since it was announced last week that NBC had declined to continue broadcasting the series, also seems to be shifting his focus instead to American Gods. Though he said recently that a fourth season of Hannibal would not interfere with his co-showrunning American Gods, he told Deadline: 'The question would be for the potential new distribution partner is how comfortable they are in waiting. Because I do have an obligation to American Gods and a passion for American Gods, so I absolutely want to service that in the way that it needs to be serviced.'
Bad times ahead for the BBC, it would seem. The corporation is to cut one thousand jobs because of a one hundred and fifty million smackers 'budget gap' in its licence fee income. An unexpected increase in the number of households saying that they do not watch live TV so do not pay for a licence has been blamed for the short-fall. Many cuts are to come from professional and support areas, while management structures will be streamlined. One wonders if any of those smears in local radio, for example, who were so sneering about Clarkson leaving Top Gear a few weeks ago are quite so bolshy now given that the BBC could probably really use that fifty million quid which they're going to lose when Chris Evans' reboot flops like a big flopping thing next year (Suzi Perry's involvement in it notwithstanding). Just sayin'. BBC Director General Tony Hall says that this will save around fifty million knicker a year so more cuts will come. Lord Hall said that the BBC was facing 'difficult choices' because of the 'tough financial climate.' He said that more than one million fewer people had a television set than was predicted in 2011, when a previous round of efficiency savings was implemented, so extra savings had to be found. 'Despite the progress already made, and the realities of the licence fee being frozen for seven years, a new financial challenge means additional savings must now be found,' he said. He added that decision-making had become 'too complicated' in recent times, as new services have been introduced, and that he wanted to cut these back to 'make things simpler', which 'inevitably would lead to fewer decision-makers.' Professional and support departments such as IT, human resources and engineering will be looked at closely to see where there is duplication, with the possibility of merging divisions across the BBC and its commercial arm, BBC Worldwide. In announcing more than a thousand jobs cuts, Lord Hall said he recognised 'this is a tough message.' No shit? He said that the BBC had already made one an a half billion quid in savings, but because of the shortfall in licence fee income, more needs to be done. The four key areas for making the savings are: Merging divisions, bringing together teams in BBC and BBC Worldwide; Cutting management layers, reducing management levels from up to ten in places to a maximum of seven; Reducing management roles, bringing down the number of senior positions and simplifying procedures in professional areas including legal, marketing and finance. The BBC licence fee of £145.50 has been frozen for seven years and the process of charter renewal is only just getting under way in a hostile political climate. This will decide how the BBC is run when its current royal charter runs out at the end of 2016. Broadcast union Bectu said that whilst it supports the BBC's ambitions of 'simplification and standardisation', it is opposed to any compulsory redundancies. General secretary Gerry Morrissey said: 'We welcome the aims and the commitment to cutting the layers of management between the DG and programme makers, for example. That said it is essential, as in any programme of cuts, that staff and unions are fully involved in the consultation and that where jobs are closed that redeployment opportunities are maximised.'

The BBC Trust has approved the corporation’s plans to scrap the BBC3 TV channel and make it online-only in a move set to save the corporation thirty million quid a year. In its first major decision since Rona Fairhead was appointed as chair of the Trust last September, the regulator recognised the 'clear long-term potential' in moving online, but admitted there were 'clear concerns' about the loss of services to the, allegedly, 'key' sixteen-to-twenty-four-year-old demographic as well as the BBC's ability to try out new ideas and develop new talent. In a blow to the corporation, the Trust rejected another proposal to launch a new BBC1+1 channel in place of BBC3 because of its 'likely impact on commercial rivals' including ITV and Channel Five. 'We want a strong, sustainable BBC which is innovative, distinctive and relevant and has clear boundaries with the commercial market,' said Fairhead. 'It is clear that the long-term future of broadcasting is online and the BBC needs to find new and exciting ways to help audiences make that transition, while bearing down on costs overall.' The closure of the twelve-year-old youth-oriented channel will save about thirty million notes a year, according to the BBC, which aims to redirect some of those savings into its drama budget for BBC1. The budget for the new online-only BBC3 will be cut to thirty million smackers. Although it points out that BBC3's audience is falling, the Trust suggested the BBC could run the online version and TV channel 'in parallel' for a yet-to-be decided period in order to 'address concerns' about the impact of its closure on young people and those without superfast broadband. In the Trust's own analysis, the BBC's reach among sixteen-to-twenty four-year-olds could fall by three per cent. Up to five per cent of black audiences and women in lower income households are also likely to be lost. On average, 11.2 million people watch BBC3 every week, with fewer than one million of that total claiming that they do not watch any other TV service. The Trust estimates that up to eighty per cent of the nine hundred and twenty five thousand audience who use no other BBC TV service could be lost. 'We know young audiences are already moving towards the online future, but we do recognise in the short term some of them will feel the immediate impact of the BBC3 proposals,' Fairhead said. 'We are therefore asking the BBC for commitments to ensure it uses the full range of its television services to better serve young people and others who make up BBC3's audience.' She added at a media Q&A that the decision had been 'finely balanced' but, in the end, cost pressures combined with a sense that the future was online weighed against the fact that the public value of the proposals was at best 'low to medium. We all know in the future that many more people will watch online. The BBC needs to adapt to that challenge to learn to make greater content online,' she said. 'Online is the way of the future. With the licence fee frozen in 2010 that cost pressure is really starting to bite. The fact is the BBC does not have endless resources.' The BBC will be asked to explore use of the spectrum left behind on the network once BBC3 becomes fully online now that the Trust has blocked its plans to show catch-up programmes on BBC1+1. Rejecting proposals for a sale of the BBC brand by two leading independent producers, Fairhead said: 'What may be left is some spectrum. If the BBC can find ways of finding value out of that we encourage them to do so.' ITV was one a number of commercial broadcasters that made submissions in opposition to the BBC1+1 channel, while Ofcom's assessment was that it would have had the 'greatest adverse market impact of any of the proposals.''We had previously stressed that we felt that it would be an inappropriate use of the licence fee to launch a highly competitive, peaktime repeat channel purely to gain audience share against other broadcasters,' said an ITV spokesman. 'We will be looking at the detail regarding the Trust's view on BBC3.' Asked why a proposal to 'purchase' the BBC3 brand by two independent producers was not considered in its report, Fairhead said it was up to BBC management to consider all proposals for spectrum use. But she added, 'It would be crazy to drop the brand. The BBC brand is not for sale.' BBC3 had built up a keen and responsive audience, especially for comedy, she said. The public value would be improved, she added, if the BBC met the conditions imposed to put more programming on BBC1 and BBC2 for young people and run the online and TV services in parallel. Under the current plans, BBC3 programming would change: 'There will be less light entertainment and reality television and more distinctive BBC3 content,' said Fairhead. 'Moving BBC3 audience online will have a short term impact. We recognise that this audience cares very deeply about BBC programmes that the BBC doesn't want to lose,' Fairhead added. 'In the long term we think it will help ability to create a genuine multimedia broadcaster.' Richard Ayre, a trustee, described the move online as 'a liberating opportunity' with new types of programming that is not restricted to twenty eight minutes. Conditions the Trust has imposed on the closure also include commitments to broadcasting programmes on BBC1 and BBC2 that appeal to a younger audience, including continuing existing BBC3 programmes. Although BBC3 shows such as Snog Marry Avoid have proved controversial, BBC3 has acted as a seed bed for new talent and ideas. The BBC must also promise to continue taking risks on new talent and ideas 'of the sort that BBC3 has been successful in developing.' Under BBC proposals, the budget for entertainment and features such as reality television shows will be scrapped, while the bulk of the remaining reduced budget of thirty million notes will be spent on drama and serious factual such as the award-winning Murdered By My Boyfriend. The budget for personality-led tripe such as Odious, Unfunny, Lanky Streak Of Rancid Piss Jack Whitehall & His Dad will be halved (sadly, it seemingly won't be done away with altogether), while scripted comedy including series like Cuckoo will see a twenty five per cent budget cut to about ten million knicker. Factual entertainment programme Don't Tell the Bride has already moved to BBC1 as part of the plans. Meanwhile, Russell Kane (very popular with students) has been told never to darken the BBC's door again. Hopefully. The corporation had intended to replace the BBC3 TV channel with a one-hour time-shifted version of BBC1, a move that most viewers seemed to think was a great idea since the BBC is the only broadcaster which does not, at the moment, offer a +1 service. However, this 'concerned' commercial rivals, who claimed it was a ratings-driven move - which it might be but, what the hell that had to do with them, or Ofcom, is another question entirely and one very much worth asking, this blogger reckons. The BBC Trust, showing the collective backbone of a mollusc. rejected the proposal, saying it has 'limited public value' (with is certainly not a view shared by this blogger) and cited 'a range of issues' including 'a lack of distinctiveness' and that almost a quarter of UK households would need to upgrade TV equipment to receive such a channel. Ofcom's market impact assessment concluded that a BBC1+1 channel would have 'a negative impact' on commercial rivals, 'capturing viewing share for the BBC at the expense of commercial channels and reducing the profitability, in particular, of ITV and Channel Five.' And, this is a bad thing? The BBC Trust accepted that other parts of the corporation's plans, including extending the CBBC children's channel by two hours to 9pm and developing the BBC iPlayer to include more online-only and third-party content. Such a move will allow BBC3's online only content to be seen more readily on the iPlayer. The Trust said the extension of CBBC's hours would 'expand choice for younger viewers, can be implemented at minimal cost and represents a good use of the licence fee.' Some of the thirty million wonga BBC3 budget will be redirected towards drama on BBC1, which currently has a budget of about one billion quid. The corporation, which announced its decision to close BBC3 in May 2014 but did not submit the proposals to the Trust until December, has until the end of July to respond to the findings. After public consultation the final proposal will be announced in the autumn. Under its original plans, BBC3 TV would have been switched off this autumn; this has been extended until January 2016, the last year of the current BBC charter. A BBC spokesperson said: 'We welcome the Trust's provisional conclusion, which is the next step in delivering our vision for a new BBC3. With a frozen licence fee and the BBC's income cut by twenty six per cent we have had to make some very difficult choices, however our plans will allow us to innovate with new ideas and new forms of content for younger audiences. We will now consider the areas the trust have asked us to address and respond in due course.'

An Ofcom review into public service broadcasting in the UK has raised concerns about a fall in spending on drama and children's programming. Investment in TV drama has fallen by forty four per cent since the last review in 2008. The report found that 'the drops in the levels of investment, particularly on ITV, are a concern.' The media watchdog's review found spending on children's programmes in the UK had also fallen from one hundred and three million smackers in 2008 to eighty eight million knicker in 2014. The BBC now accounts for ninety seven per cent of total public service broadcasting spending on children's programmes. Spending by ITV, Channel Four and Channel Five on children's TV has dropped by seventy four per cent to a mere three million notes in 2014. The review points out there is 'very limited provision of non-animation programming beyond the BBC.' The review found that, despite the success of big budget dramas like Downtown Abbey, Sherlock and Doctor Who, the amount of new UK drama being shown on the main channels has fallen from six hundred and twenty seven hours in 2008 to three hundred and seventy one hours in 2014. Although it noted that 'audience satisfaction with drama is stable.' The review found that - following the removal of specific quotas in 2003 - public service programmes in arts and classical music, religion and ethics, and formal education has significantly reduced. Ofcom is required by Parliament periodically to review how public service broadcasting is performing. Ofcom also warned broadcasters need to adapt as the trend towards online viewing grows. The politically appointed watchdog quango,elected by no one, found that unless the main TV channels adapt their business models, they would struggle to pay for public service programming in the future. Ofcom warned another challenge for the broadcasters in the future will be delivering news to younger audiences, as viewing of TV news has fallen by twenty nine per cent among people aged sixteen to thirty four. It also found that 'certain audience groups' were 'concerned' about how they were portrayed on screen - particularly people from BAME backgrounds or people with disabilities - either being under-represented or unfairly portrayed. However, the review found that general audience satisfaction was high with seventy nine per cent believing PSB was delivering on its purposes, such as delivering 'trustworthy news' and 'high quality programming' reflecting the UK. That figure is up from sixty nine per cent in 2008. The review also found PSB channels continue to make 'a significant contribution' to UK broadcasting. In 2013, they invested just over two billion quid in new UK programmes, not including sports content, compared to around three hundred and fifty million knicker from non-PSB companies. The main UK TV channels, BBC, ITV, STV, UTV, Channel Four, Channel Five and S4C, are all supposed to carry programmes with 'public service values' - although if you can find any on ITV, Channel Five and even Channel Four for much of the time, you're more observant than this blogger. Over half of all TV viewing is on these main channels - but that figure rises to more than seventy per cent when the time-shifted channels are taken into account.

The Director General of the BBC, Tony Hall, has rejected demands from a cross-party group of MPs, including Boris Johnson and Alex Salmond, to stop the broadcaster using the term 'Islamic State' to refer to the terrorist group. Sadly, Tony stopped short of telling them to 'go fuck themselves' with their 'demands' but, one imagines, the implication was there in the rejection. The MPs made their demands in a letter following criticism of the BBC from oily David Cameron, who used an appearance on the Today programme on Monday to suggest that Muslim listeners would 'recoil every time they hear the words "Islamic State"' to refer to its 'appalling, barbarous regime.' Initiated by Rehman Chishti, the Conservative MP for Gillingham and Rainham, the letter urged the BBC to instead adopt the term 'Da'esh', based on Arabic acronym al-Dawla al-Islamiya fil Iraq wa'al Sham, which translates as 'Islamic State of Iraq and Sham', but is close to 'Dahes' or 'one who sows discord'. It was signed by one hundred and twenty MPs including Johnson and the chair of the home affairs select committee Keith Vaz. But the head of the BBC rejected the demands, saying that using 'Da'esh' would not preserve the BBC's impartiality as it risked giving an impression of support for the group's opponents, The Times reports. He is said to claim that the term is used pejoratively by its enemies. Instead, it is reported, Hall said the BBC would use terms such as the 'Islamic State group' to distinguish it from a true state, and continue to use descriptions such as extremist or militant for its members. Chishti told The Times that Hall's decision not to adopt the term 'Da'esh' was 'very surprising' and 'rather unacceptable', as it has been adopted across the Middle East and by the French and Turkish governments. Although, not by the British government, of which she is a member so, frankly, the more surprising thing here is Chishti's badgering the BBC about this rather than her own boss, oily David Cameron. In a Commons debate later on Monday on the UK's response to the Tunisia massacre, the Prime Minister said that it would even be 'preferable' for the broadcaster to use the term 'Isil' - which, frankly, sounds uncannily close to political interference in an independent broadcaster's right to freedom to speech - which is used by most UK politicians. The acronym is short for 'Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant', the description used by British security agency MI5. 'I personally think that using the term Isil or ‘so-called’ would be better than what the BBC currently does,' Cameron said. 'I don't think we'll move them all the way to Da'esh, so I think saying Isil is probably better than Islamic State because it is neither, in my view, Islamic or a state.'

Odious, full of his own importance smear Donald Trump has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Univision. The Spanish-language TV network had cancelled its contract to broadcast the Miss USA pageant which is co-owned by Trump. Univision had said last week that it would not broadcast the pageant because of what it called 'insulting remarks' about Mexican immigrants made by Trump. Trump has accused Univision of 'stifling his freedom of speech' in order to boost the Democratic Party frontrunner, Hilary Clinton. While announcing his candidacy for Presidency earlier this month, Trump had accused Mexico of sending 'rapists and other criminals' to the United States. He also pledged to build a 'great wall' on the US border with Mexico and insisted it would be paid for by Mexicans. He later insisted that he was criticising US lawmakers, not Mexican people. US TV network NBC has also said it would not be airing the Miss USA and the Miss Universe pageants both owned by Trump. Responding to the announcement, Trump said he would consider suing NBC.

The World Cup dream may be over for England's women's football team this year, but ITV is celebrating the game with a new drama. The channel is developing a show that focuses on the foundation of the first women's football team in 1894, Radio Times reports. Honeyballers will take a look at the lives of Nettie Honeyball and Lady Florence Dixie, who set up the British Ladies Football Club. ITV will explore the working relationship between Honeyball - who came from a working-class Northern family - and Dixie - a famous travel writer from an aristocratic background. England's Lionesses enjoyed a successful World Cup campaign this year, reaching the semi-finals before being eliminated by Japan. They subsequently won the - completely bloody pointless - third place play off with Germany after extra time thanks to a Fara Williams penalty. Oh, the irony.
Waste-of-space full-of-her-own-importance media personality Fearne Cotton has admits that She May Never Return To Work. Oh, the manifest tragedy. Anyway ...
Timothy Spall is reported to be 'in advance talks' to play the late Northern Ireland first minister the Reverend Ian Paisley in a film about his life. The Journey will tell the story of the former Democratic Unionist Party leader's unlikely friendship with Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness. The film is being written by the County Down-born novelist and screenwriter Colin Bateman. Both Liam Neeson and Sir Kenneth Branagh were reportedly early contenders for the role. Filming is expected to start in Northern Ireland in late September.
Golfer Bubba Watson is to paint over the Confederate flag on the car from The Dukes Of Hazzard TV series, as part of a growing backlash against the rebel symbol from the US Civil War. The golfer, who owns the car, announced the move by tweeting that he believed 'all men are created equal.' The flag divides opinion in the US, symbolising racism to its many critics - and Southern heritage to its - sometimes white sheet-wearing, sister marryin', good ol' boy - defenders. The debate was revived by a recent gun attack on a black church in Charleston. The suspect behind the murder of nine churchgoers, Dylann Roof, appeared in many photos holding the flag. The Confederate battle flag became a potent symbol for the Southern states fighting the Civil War as they sought to break away from the Union. Many of those states now display the flag outside government buildings. It also appears on number-plates and is sold as a bumper sticker. And, a Primal Scream CD cover, but that's not important right now. It remains controversial, seen by some as an icon of slavery and oppression, while others say it symbolises their history and identity. And their Goddamn right to sing 'Freebird' in public. All twenty seven minutes of it. The Charleston attack has prompted fresh calls for displays of the flag to be curtailed, particularly in government buildings. Watson, the third-ranked golfer in the world and two-time Masters champion, said on Twitter that he would cover the flag on the car with the Stars and Stripes. 'All men ARE created equal, I believe that so I will be painting the American flag over the roof of the General Lee,' he said. The car was a centrepiece of the US TV show from the late 1970s. If you don't remember it, you missed nowt. Watson acquired the car in 2012, according to the Washington Post.
Meanwhile, in the latest example of From The North's occasional Only In America series, Maine State Police report that a man celebrating the Fourth of July holiday died when he tried to launch a firework off the top of his own head. Stephen McCausland, a spokesman for the Maine Department of Public Safety, said that a twenty two-year-old man from the town of Calais near the Canadian border had been 'setting off fireworks with friends' on Saturday evening in the backyard of one of his friends' home. McCausland added that the man placed 'a fireworks mortar tube' on his head and set it off. He died instantly. Police say the man and his friends had been drinking.

Sir Michael Parkinson has confirmed he has been given an all-clear by doctors after two years of treatment for prostate cancer. 'I have the all clear as regards my prostate cancer,' he said 'That has been the case for quite a time now.' The eighty-year-old former chat show host revealed he was receiving radiotherapy for the condition in 2013. Two years on, he said he still needed to have regular tests and have the 'occasional' blood transfusion but that his current job of giving away free pens to pensioners on afternoon telly shouldn't be affected by this. The transfusions, he told the BBC, are 'to deal with a problem with anaemia which I have always had and which was exacerbated by the radiotherapy. Hopefully the gap between transfusions will get longer and maybe finally disappear altogether,' he went on. 'Otherwise I am feeling well and still have the odd gentle workout.' The BBC News website asked Sir Michael for an update on his condition after he was quoted in the Daily Scum Mail as saying that his doctors had 'got rid of the cancer.' Presumably, they also asked Parky what a good old Barnsley socialist lad like he was doing talking to the Hitler-supporting Daily Scum Mail. And, if they didn't, they should have. The broadcaster was diagnosed after a routine health check in May 2013 but said at the time that he would be 'around for a while yet.' Sir Michael's television career spanned fifty years and saw him interview high-profile guests such as Muhammad Ali and Sir Elton John. He announced his retirement in 2007. Except for giving away pens to pensioners, obviously.

Former Blue Peter presenter John Noakes suffered no injuries after going missing from his home in Majorca for several hours on Tuesday. The eighty one-year-old, who has Alzheimer's, will continue to be monitored by doctors, his agent said, but is 'as well as can be expected.' Police spent Tuesday searching for Noakes after being alerted by his wife, Vicky, at about 9am local time. He was spotted by a helicopter nearly ten hours later close to his home. His wife said that search parties had looked in the area where he was eventually discovered earlier in the day but failed to spot him because he was 'in the bottom of a storm drain and had fallen in amongst long grass there.' The TV presenter was taken to hospital, where he stayed for the next three days because of his age and dehydration caused by the hot weather. 'I would like to say that the emergency services have been really excellent and pulled out all the stops, and they were greatly helped by our friends and local people,' she said. Noakes worked on Blue Peter for twelve years from 1966 to 1978 and remains one of its best-loved presenters. He moved to Majorca with his wife in the 1980s, after a round-the-world yacht trip was cut short by a giant wave, which badly damaged their boat off the coast of North Africa. They had embarked on the trip after Noakes quit Blue Peter in 1978, and Go With Noakes eighteen months later. Noakes trained as an aircraft engine fitter before training as an actor.

CNN has withdrawn a video after a member of their staff at the Pride parade in London mistook a flag showing sex toys for that of Islamic State. In an 'exclusive' report on Saturday, the CNN anchor, Suzanne Malveaux, claimed: 'The Isis flag amongst a sea of rainbow colours was spotted by a CNN international assignment editor.' CNN journalist Lucy Pawle told viewers that she had seen 'a man dressed in black and white waving what appeared to be very bad mimicry, but a very clear attempt to mimic, the Isis flag – the black and white flag with the distinctive lettering.' She added: 'I mean, if you look at the flag closely, it's clearly not Arabic, in fact it looks like it could be gobbledygook, but it's very distinctive – the Isis flag.' Pawle said she was 'the only one' to have spotted the 'distinctive' banner. She continued: 'I seem to be the only person who had spotted this, and nobody seems to be raising any questions or pointing it out, so I immediately went to an events organiser who said he didn't know anything about it. I also spoke to the police nearby, who weren’t aware either.' CNN took down video of the report from its website on Saturday afternoon after being ridiculed on social media. There's a very good piece from the Washington Post interviewing the chap who made the flag here.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's continued facial growth has forced a necessary change in From The North's 'separated at birth' strand. From yer actual Ollie ...
... to yer actual Gerry.
And, here's a picture from 1968 of yer actual Keith Telly Topping with Peter and Mike (his two favourite monkeys, if you will). I really like that coat, dear blog reader. I wonder what ever happened to it.
Sir Paul McCartney features on the front cover of this month's Esquire magazine and, in an in-depth interview, he talked about embracing his Be-Atles heritage, life before fame and whether it's time for him retire. 'Sit at home and watch telly? That's what people do, man. Gardening, golf? No thanks. Occasionally, I do think, "You should have got fed up by now, you should be jaded." My manager, who I don't have any more, glad to say, suggested quite a long time ago that I retire at fifty. He said, it's not a good look. I went, "Oh, God, he could be right." But then I still enjoy writing, I still enjoy singing. What am I gonna do? You see so many people who retire and then immediately expire.'
Bruce Springsteen became an honorary Beach Boy on Wednesday when he made a surprise appearance at a Brian Wilson concert in New Jersey. The Boss joined Wilson and his band on stage at the PNC Banks Arts Center in Holmdel, strapping on his guitar for a rendition of 'Surfin' USA' and singing back-up on 'Barbara Ann'.

The actor Edward Burnham died earlier this week at the age of ninety eight. Edward had two major roles in Doctor Who. In 1968 he played Professor Watkins, the uncle of Isobel, in four episodes of Patrick Troughton story The Invasion. He returned to the series at the end of 1974 in Tom Baker's début story Robot, playing Professor Kettlewell, the creator of the Experimental Prototype Robot K1. Born in Lincoln on Christmas Day 1916, Edward was an actor for over sixty years, appearing on television as early as 1938 in productions of The Marvellous History of St Bernard and The Swiss Family Robinson. In 1959 he appeared in the acclaimed science fiction series Quatermass & The Pit. Other roles followed in productions such as The Citadel, No Hiding Place, Harpers West One, The Rat Catchers, The Avengers, Z Cars, The Plane Makers, The Saint, Callan, Hadleigh, The Girls Of Slender Means, The Pallisers, The Search For The Nile, Churchill's People, Van Der Valk, Two Women, As Good Cooks Go, The Troubleshooters, Perils Of Pendragon, Suez 1956, Muck & Brass, Tales Of The Unexpected, Eh! Brian! It's A Whopper, All Creatures Great & Small, Nightingales, Black Books and Nicholas Nickleby. He also appeared in the movies To Sir, With Love, The Abominable Dr Phibes, The Hiding Place, Young Winston and Ten Rillington Place. In the early 1960's he played two roles, Doctor Dorking and Doctor Danvers-White, in Emergency - Ward Ten and in 1985 he played Mister Grimwig in Terrance Dicks's production of Oliver Twist. His last screen appearance was in the BBC's Swiss Toni in 2003. Until his death Edward was the second-oldest-living actor to have appeared in Doctor Who, behind centenarian Olaf Pooley.

The Irish singer and television entertainer Val Doonican has died at the age of eighty eight. His family said that Val had died 'peacefully' at a nursing home in Buckinghamshire. He had not been ill, but his daughter said that his 'batteries had just run out.' The performer was a regular fixture on British television with The Val Doonican Show which ran on the BBC from 1965 to 1986, featuring his own performances and guest artists. A version was also shown in the US in the 1970s on ABC. Val was also rarely out of the British singles and LP charts in the 1960s and early 70s with songs like 'Walk Tall' and the psychedelic easy listening classic 'Elusive Butterfly'. In the LP chart, he had five successive top ten records and, famously, knocked The Be-Atles'Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band off the top spot in late 1967 with Val Doonican Rocks, But Gently. Indeed, when yer actual Keith Telly Topping was but a wee lad growing up, we didn't have many records in Stately Telly Topping Manor butThe World Of Val Doonican (Decca SPA3) was very much one of them. And, it was much played and much loved by this blogger in a completely non-ironic way. In a statement, Val's family said: 'He was a wonderful husband, father and grandfather and will be greatly missed by family, friends and his many fans.' Sir Bruce Forsyth also paid tribute saying 'he was a one-off. He was just a lovely guy. What you saw is what you got, this is a very sad day', he told the BBC. 'Although we never saw him very much in the last few years, I worked with him a couple of times and enjoyed that very much. He had this way of relaxing his co-stars and his audience and that went right through the screens into your homes. It's not simple to do what he did. To be relaxed as he was is an art. You can't go in front of millions of people on television and be that relaxed and that good.'
    Val was born Michael Valentine Doonican in Waterford in February 1927, the youngest of a family of eight children. In 1941 when he was still a teenager his father, John, died from throat cancer. Val would, movingly, recall his father, before his illness became known to his family, asking Val to collect wild flowers for him when Val appeared on Michael Parkinson's chat show in the 1970s. He then described how, many years later, he found in a book of Irish herbal remedies that the flowers he'd been asked to collect were believed to be a cure for cancer. After his father's death, Val had to leave De La Salle College to get factory jobs fabricating steel and making orange and grapefruit boxes to support his mother, Agnes. Doonican was from a musical family and began to perform in his hometown and in a summer season at Courtown Harbour. He soon featured on Irish radio and reportedly appeared in Waterford's first-ever television broadcast. In 1951 Val moved to England to join The Four Ramblers, who toured and performed on BBC Radio shows broadcast from factories. Doonican met the dancer Lynnette Rae when both she and The Ramblers supported Anthony Newley on a tour. Newley introduced them and the couple married in the early 1960s and had two daughters, Sarah and Fiona. Val's career took off after he was booked to appear on Sunday Night At The Palladium in 1963. An eight minute slot proved to be such a hit with viewers that it led him to be offered his own BBC show - for which he became known for his trademark rocking chair, colourful cardigans, melodious voice and witty banter - and kick-started his recording career. As he would later note, he became 'an overnight sensation ... after seventeen years in the business.' He filmed some twenty five BBC Christmas specials, which Val told the Daily Scum Express in 2013 he 'couldn't bear to watch. They became something of a national institution, attracting audiences of up to nineteen million. It felt embarrassing seeing myself. We'd sit as a family enjoying ourselves but as soon as my show started, I'd nip off to another room,' he said. He was sometimes compared to the American singer Perry Como, although he claimed that his main influence was his hero Bing Crosby. As it was a variety show, The Val Doonican Show also gave a number of other performers valuable early exposure, most notably the comedian Dave Allen with whom Val was a close friend. Val's other hits included 'The Special Years', 'What Would I Be?', 'If The Whole World Stopped Loving', 'Two Streets', 'Morning' and the theme tune of his TV series, 'Some Of My Best Friends Are Songs'. He also sang the theme for the film Ring Of Bright Water. He was equally well known for his recordings of comic Irish folk songs and music hall show tunes like 'O'Rafferty's Motor Car', 'Delany's Donkey', 'Paddy McGinty's Goat', 'The Juice Of The Barley', 'Marvellous Toy' and, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's particular favourite, 'The Jarvey Was A Leprechaun'. He was the subject of This Is Your Life in 1970, Eamonn Andrews meeting him to present the famous red book at the eighteenth green of the South Herts Golf Club as Val, a keen golfer, finished playing a round. Val stopped performing in 2009 after more than sixty years in showbusiness. He is survived by his wife Lynn, daughters Sarah and Fiona and grandchildren Bethany and Scott.

So, for today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's Val's finest three minutes.