'C'mon, it's Christmas. The North Pole. Who y'gonna call?!'
There are two very specific types of Doctor Who Christmas special, dear blog reader. There are those that The Special People hate with a sour, pinch-faced and mean-spirited vexation which can barely be described without resorting to words and phrases that are quasi-biblical in their curse-filled naughtiness. And, there are those that The Special People really hate with a mean-spirited vexation that can barely be described without resorting to words and phrases which are properly-biblical in their vast and sinister rancid bile. But then, nobody that actually matters much gives a stuff about what those silly clowns and daft planks think; so, let's just enjoy a jolly good laugh at their expense. Cos, trust this blogger, they're a hell of a sight.
And, now we're done ...
'That noise, I never realised how much I loved it.' Filming on the 2014 Christmas episode of Doctor Who, Last Christmas, was scheduled to start two weeks after the series eight World Tour Promotion, with both yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self confirmed as returning to the production. With Paul Wilmshurst directing, production began on 8 September in Cardiff, Wilmhurst tweeting that it would likely take four weeks to complete to Steve Moffat-written story. A preview clip from the episode was shown during the BBC's Children In Need telethon in November featuring The Doctor, Clara, Nick Frost as Santa Claus and Dan Starkey and Nathan McMullen as his elves. In September, announcements were made concerning a number of the guest cast for the episode, including Michael Troughton, Natalie Gumede and Faye Marsay. Michael, of course, just in case you didn't know is the younger son of Patrick Troughton, and the brother of David Troughton. Michael will be best known to viewers 'of a certain age' as the hapless and much put-upon Piers Fletcher-Dervish, Alan B'stard's regular punching bag in The New Statesman. He recently returned to acting after a decade of pursuing other avenues (including writing a really very good biography of his late father).
'Last Christmas, I gave you my heart' George Michael sang in 1984. Which was nice (even if the video now looks truly risible what with the big eighties hair and the nasty, sneering, Thatcherite 'look at us, we've got loads of money' pretensions ... Not to mention Andrew Ridgeley, pre-nose job). Mind you, George spent another Christmas driving his Merc into the Hampstead branch of Snappy Snaps whilst snowflaked off his tits so, you know, it would appear to be a case of swings and roundabouts when it comes to Christmas at Chez Michael, one supposes. In the case of the Doctor Who episode Last Christmas, however, things are equally curious and discombobulated. Unlike many previous Christmas specials for the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama, this one can be regarded as episode thirteen (or fourteen, technically, since Deep Breath was a two-parter masquerading as a 'feature-length episode') of the recently completed series eight. Specifically, it's a lot less 'stand alone' than most of the Doctor Who Christmas episodes we've had in recent years - The Snowmen's key part in the developing 'Clara The Impossible Girl' story-arc, notwithstanding. That is not to say the episode doesn't work perfectly well as a stand alone, in and of itself. It does. But, it also continues to explore some previous narrative threads and that makes it a very different beast from, say, Voyage Of The Damned, The Next Doctor, A Christmas Carol or The Doctor, The Widow & The Wardrobe. In fact, not since The Christmas Invasion back in 2005 has a Doctor Who Christmas episode been so clearly and obviously tied to the events of the previous episode(s) it followed. Last Christmas, in short, finds itself neatly balanced between the festive fluff-n-fun stand alones of previous years and a direct encore to the events of Death In Heaven a couple of months ago. The bridge between the two, as has been widely revealed in the episode's pre-broadcast promotional material, comes in the bigly-big form of yer actual Santa Claus his very self. In this case, a Santa played in a warm, blokey, rugby-playing way by that nice Saint Nick Frost fellow out of Shaun Of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World's End. And Paul, but well just have to try to forgive the chap for that last one. Frosty, a more than decent serious actor (as something like Money ably proved) as well as an acclaimed comedy one  - and, a particular favourite of this blogger since Spaced - melds these two diametrically opposed thematic elements together with considerable flair and charm. Exactly what you'd expect from the man who played Danny Butterman, frankly. He appears, along with the returning Clara, in the opening scene (at least a part of which you'll have, by now, no doubt seen). This is the catalyst for a story which is, for the most part studio-bound, doesn't rely on many locations and is one that makes full use of its sixty minutes run-time to get through a vast amount of plot. Probably more than enough for two episodes, in fact and, if there is a criticism to be made of Last Christmas, that's the worst this blogger can come up with. Stuff happens. Lots of it. Best you can do is to grab tight hold of something and hang on for the ride. Especially when, ahem, tangerine dreams are concerned. Or, a nasty attack of crabs, for that matter. Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week. Try the turkey.
The Doctor and Clara are quickly reunited and whisked off to the North Pole where they encounter a race of very creepy crab-esque aliens, The Kantrofarri, who are busy terrorising an isolated scientific research type establishment in classic Doctor Who'base-under-siege' style which recalls not only The Thing and Ice Station Zebra but also, far closer to home, The Ice Warriors and The Tenth Planet. Then, Santa arrives again and the question is raised, by a not unexpected source, can any of this bizarre malarkey be real? What do you think, dear blog reader? It's a Doctor Who Christmas episode, anything can happen, and probably will.
'I'm back. Now, get inside the TARDIS!' Something which many viewers have noted in recent years is that one often isn't sure what we are going to get from an atypical 'monster of the week' style episode of Doctor Who. For the simple reason that, well, there's no such thing, basically. For every disappointing, 'it looked so good on paper'Fear Her or Nightmare In Silver, there is usually a bone chilling Blink just around the corner. And, each Robot Of Sherwood-style over-the-top comedy romp is often balanced by a properly x-rated 'send the kids to bed, now'Listen or Mummy on the Orient Express, to take examples from the most recent series. Again, it's the old conundrum that one of Doctor Who's most celebrated aspects is the ability to play at different genres week-on-week and, sometime, juxtapose them to astounding effect - again, from the recent eighth series, the placing of, say the deadly serious Listen as the meat in a comedy-of-the-absurd sandwich surrounded by Robot of Sherwood, Time-Heist and The Caretaker is a great example. Oddly, it's also one of the more annoying traits of The Special People when they're complaining that some aspect of the latest episode they are whinging about; this being 'it's not Doctor Who' when, in truth, again there's no such thing. However, even in an ever-changing world, some things can usually be relied upon to be consistent. One of which is that Doctor Who Christmas episodes - a few necessary 'behind the sofa' moments aside - can be counted on to provide entertainment at the lighter end of the scale. That is, until now. Because, the monsters in Last Christmas are, actually, terrifying. I mean, properly, bowel-shatteringly scary in the way that, say, the Weeping Angels were in Blink. Or, The Autons were in Spearhead In Space and The Cybermen were in The Invasion when this blogger a five, six or seven years old. The episode's shadowy and claustrophobic arctic expedition setting helps this enormously; there's a quiet, heart-pounding menace shrouding Last Christmas which, one imagines, will draw much acclaim and more than a few complaints from The Usual Suspects who just love a bloody good whinge. The nation's children will not, necessarily, be soiling their bed sheets in the early hours of Boxing Day morning - Last Christmas is not a twenty four carat horror episode like, say, Listen was - but, it definitely features some heart-stopping, shocking and sinister moments. We know that The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat enjoys nothing more than mixing in creepy and disturbing elements as part of his monsters' arsenal of terror and The Kantrofarri are no different. Fans will undoubtedly find some similarities with another Moffat creation, The Silence - last seen in the 2013 Christmas episode - but, in this case, the repetition of a central conceit works and works well. In part at least because these aliens come with an interesting twist that leads to some extremely emotional scenes between Clara and The Doctor in the second half of the episode. More on that later. Director Paul Wilmshurst, who was behind the camera on series eight's Kill The Moon and Mummy On The Orient Express - both of which, this blogger thought were great - successfully employed horror elements in his earlier Doctor Who work. Here, the references are even more direct than, say, Mummy On The Orient Express's debt to The Horror Express. In fact, rarely has Doctor Who so directly referenced at least one influence to the point that a character even points out the link specifically for the audience's benefit (well, and the other characters benefit too). When it arrives, it's a moment that manages to be simultaneously, knowing and funny and yet also oddly distracting for a moment. The equivalent of, for example, Professor Lightfoot in The Talons Of Weng-Chiang casually telling The Doctor as they explore London's sewers: 'I say old chap, this is just like Fu Manchu crossed with Sherlock Holmes with a bit of Jack The Ripper thrown in for good measure. Fancy a muffin?'
It will be interesting to see how younger viewers react to Last Christmas, an episode which plays like a straight mix of Miracle On Thirty Fourth Street and Alien (see Continuity, below). That said, yer man Moffat's script off-sets the genuine moments of tension and fear with plenty of generous slices of comedy gold. And, his well-paced plot has plenty of fun with a whole bunch of Christmas clichés, finding a good excuse to, for instance, dig out the production office's copy of Best Of Slade. Well, why not? Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Christmas, after all.
'I grew out of fairytales.' Of course, one of the thing fans were more curious about before the episode was even broadcast - obviously apart from the whole rather tiresome, and tabloid press-generated, 'will Clara return?' obsession - was the fact that Santa his very self was appearing in this episode. Which, bearing in mind what we've said previously about Doctor Who's much-admired ability to do, virtually, anything, to go, virtually, anywhere and meet, virtually, anyone, nevertheless sat awkwardly with some viewers as being (and trust me dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping can barely believe he is writing the following) 'un-Who-like'. Not that, as previously discussed, twice, there's any such thing. So, what is he? A gosh-evil alien killer-Santa? A Cyberman-Santa sent from Gallifrey's far future to warn The Doctor of another impending universal apocalypse? Some bloke who got lost on his way to a fancy-dress party on Christmas Eve in Swindon with his two small mates? Or, could he be the real deal? Well, Steven Moffat had already told us that was, exactly, who he was and yet, as usual, there was always that nagging suspicion in the back of ones mind that the whole thing was bluff and evasion with a liberal dose of smoke and mirrors and more than a pinch of Morecambe and Wise. In fact, Santa's role in the story is so well thought-out and so well executed - and Nick Frost is such a talented and likeable actor - that Santa's presence shouldn't ruffle even the specialist of Special People feathers. But, of course, it will. Some things are as predictable and inevitable as Boxing Day hangovers.
'It's the North Pole and I own it!' One of the most impressive aspects of Last Christmas is its compact, tightly-constructed and self-contained nature. It has some necessary complexity, of course (its Moffat, the lad can't help himself!) but, by and large, it restricts itself to a handful of supporting characters - the most memorable being Faye Marsay's Shona, who adds a splash of seasonal melancholy, as well as a few great cheeky comedy moments - but, ultimately, it does what all the best Doctor Who episodes do: keeps its focus squarely on the relationship between The Doctor and his companion. The scenes between The Doctor and Clara are easily some of the strongest and most powerful and dramatic moments of the episode. Just when you might have been thinking that Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) had run out of ways to explore their relationship, he's managed to surprise us all yet again. And, of course, it goes without saying that Peter and Jenna sparkle like stars with the material they're given. Clara gets a lot of attention as the episode explores her state of mind following events of Death In Heaven. As for the rest of the cast, there will of course, always be a lot of pleasure among fandom at seeing Patrick Troughton's son but, although Michael is a welcome addition to the cast, as previously noted, it's Faye Marsay who steals the episode. Corrie's Natalie Gumede as Ashley the Polar Station’s head science officer and Emmerdale's Maureen Beattie were also very good.
'It's a lovely story, dear, but it's time to start living in the real world!' Like all the very best Doctor Who stories, Last Christmas provides a cunning contrast between the worldly mundane and rather frivolous, the 'small and twatty' in other words, with the fantastical world(s) of science fiction and Telefantasy. The episode's targets are big and broad, massive and hard. It also takes a moment or two to observe, casually, just how much fun it is giving its protagonists (and, via then, its audience). But even if The Moffat his very self is happily doing wheelies on his new bike on the imagery of this festive season, it's worth remembering that this bloke is a bit good (you know, many BAFTAs, and all that) and he hasn't forgotten the sombre events of Death In Heaven. Gallifrey's still uncertain fate is alluded to and Clara isn't suddenly reset into the role as 'default companion' just because it's Christmas Day and there are presents under the tree. On the contrary, Clara's grief for Danny is a key motivation for her behaviour and mood in much of the episode. Particularly, when Danny himself turns up. Didn't see that one coming, did you? 'We are just three passing ... roof people.'

Continuity: As noted, both The Miracle Of Thirty Fourth Street and Alien ('There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you!') are directly referenced, along with The Thing From Another World and Game Of Thrones on Shona'a 'perfect Christmas Day' list, whilst there are also allusions to Die Hard ('yippie-aye-ayeh!'), My Little Pony, A Christmas Carol ('God bless us, every one'), An American Werewolf In London and Inception (dreams within dreams), The X-Files and, obliquely, Sherlock (the 'do you really believe in Santa Claus?' bit). Plus, marvellously, a tiny. but beautifully formed, Hot Fuzz reference ('it's like an ice cream pain'). Then, there's the usual array of internal continuity references, To Turn Left, Deep Breath, Death In Heaven ('I never thought I was going to see you again', among numerous allusions, including a confession from both The Doctor and Clara that they ended the previous episode lying to each other to spare their feelings), Castrovalva, The Doctor Dances, Time Of The Angels (the entire 'we're being hacked' sequence), The Impossible Astronaut, The Mind Robber, The Day of The Daleks, The Time Warrior ('maybe I could fetch you a cup of tea while I'm at it?'), A Christmas Carol (the sleigh-ride), Listen (the blackboard), Aliens In London, The Name Of The Doctor ('time travel is always possible in dreams'), The Caretaker ('Merry Christmas PE'), The Deadly Assassin, The God Complex (creatures that weaponise dreams to work against the dreamer) and Blink ('as The Doctor might say, "dreamy-weamy!"')
'Are we gonna be busy saving Christmas?' Dialogue: As usual, Moffat remembers to bring the funny when it's most needed: 'He's probably flirting with your neighbour. Or texting women of low moral character.' And: 'It's not often we get upstaged on a rooftop!' And: 'Happy Easter!', 'Brutal!', 'Cool exit line, though!'Last Christmas, in fact, is a Doctor Who dialogue-lover's perfect Christmas present. As perfect as Shona's list for a perfect Christmas Day. Take: 'Your mum and dad wanted me to get you a toy one, but sometimes, take a chance.' And: 'Here comes your earworm.' And: 'Time travelling scientist dressed as a magician?' And: 'We've got ghosts! It's a skeleton man and a girl in a nighty.' And: 'You know no one actually likes the tangerines, don't you?' And: 'You can't call her "human"'. 'It's not racist, she doesn't mind!' And: 'I need the toilet!' And: 'It's unsuitable for children under four.' And: 'Technically, a telephone kiosk.' And: 'Is it possible I'm about to work with someone who might be a dream?''If it helps, so am I.' And: 'Beardy-weirdy, how do you get all the presents on the sleigh?''Bigger on the inside!' Then, there's: 'This is where it gets really nasty.''Only now?!' And: 'Marginal for the Naughty List in '93!' And: 'How did you become an expert of what does and doesn't exist?' And: 'If this is a dream, how can we both be here?' And: 'There are some things we should never be okay about.' And: 'Why did I get "chocolate"? What's that about?!' And: 'We don't need all this touchy-feely stuff!' And: 'No, no. Line in the sand! Santa Claus does not do the scientific explanation!' And: 'No time for chatting, you'll only get attached. This isn't Facebook!' And: 'Do you know what I hate about the obvious? Missing it.' And: 'We're all being networked into the same nightmare.' And: 'I've always believed in Santa Claus, but he looks a little different to me.' And, probably the best line of the episode if not the entire series: 'You're a dream construct, currently representing either my recovering or expiring mind.''Yes. But, do you want a go?''Yeah, alright!'
'Moron! Numskull!'Last Christmas is the best Doctor Who Christmas episode since A Christmas Carol (and, the most suited to the holiday period at that). It nicely combines traditional elements of the series vast and complicated past with wild and free-form flights of the imagination. Plus a bit of Noddy Holder, cos you can never have too much of that at Christmas. This blogger, as usual, thought it was great, dear blog reader. He really did. He loved Shona's little dance and the sudden arrival of Santa's slinky army. He loved 'That is racist!', Santa's national health spectacles and the way he arrived on Rudolph. He loved the dream crabs turning to dust and 'it's actually basic physics!' and 'so, we don't know what's real and what isn't?' He loved Sam Anderson's totally unexpected appearance and 'I always protect your ego from the truth'. He loved Murray Gold's sweeping, magical score and the Repulsion-influenced scene in the corridor of Clara's imagination. And: 'I didn't die saving the world, Doctor, I died saving Clara. The rest of you just got lucky!'He loved the episode's ability to switch from touching to torrid and scary to thigh-slappingly hilarious, usually in the blink of an eye. He loved 'every Christmas is last Christmas' and he loved 'food has teeth too.' And, he adored'You're a dream who's trying to save us?' Shona, sweetheart, I'm Santa Claus, I think you just defined me!' And: 'Shut up, Santa!' And: 'This is very Christmassy, isn't it?!' Then, of course, there was the final scene that, actually wasn't the final scene but, rather, a second-to-final scene, Peter and Jenna acting their little cotton socks off till you wanted to cry and hug someone. ideally one of those two. 'How was it? The sixty two years that I missed?' An improbable end for The Impossible Girl that, beautifully, proved to be one last brilliantly constructed dream sequence instead of a finale for a much loved character. So, the Daily Mirra didget it right after all. And, completely wrong as well. Good for them. 'Second chances. Don't even know who to thank!'
Last Christmas was clever and witty and all of the other things that one has come to expect from a Steven Moffat Doctor Who episode but it also had depth and heart and glorious humanity. All of which you, also, normally get from Moffat but, here, you got them twice. It was poignant and lyrical and, in places, properly touched with magnificence. A meditation on aspects of the human condition that would've done True Detective or The Fall proud. A piece of drama that stands alongside Happy Valley and The Missing as an example of the BBC doing what the BBC does best - despite all the amputations - educating, informing and entertaining. A Christmas gift to the nation from a dear old friend who's a bit mad and whom you're sometimes a touch embarrassed by but who has his (or her) heart in the right place, especially at this time of year. 'Complete and utter, wonderful nonsense' as Jackson Lake once noted. 'I'm The Doctor, not your mam!' Fifty one years and a month since An Unearthly Child, this daft little show about a mad man in a box continues to weave its magic and sprinkle its fairy dust on all of us. 'Use your imagination. Dream yourselves home.' The Doctor and Clara will return in The Magicians Apprentice. Is it nearly August yet?
The terrestrial TV debut of Skyfall led this year's Christmas Eve primetime ratings outside of soaps, according to overnight data. ITV's premiere of Daniel Craig's third outing as yer actual James Bond was watched by 6.33m at 8pm. BBC1's most-viewed evening programme outside of soaps was also a movie, Toy Story 3, with 4.73m from 6.30pm. At 8.30pm, Harry Hill's Incredible Adventures Of Professor Branestawm had an audience of 3.6m, with 3.2m watching the last episode of Not Going Out at 9.30pm. A re-run of a The Vicar Of Dibley festive episode had 2.85m at 10pm, while a repeat of the Mrs Brown's Boys 2013 Christmas special Buckin' Mammy was seen by 4.26m at 11pm. On BBC2, the second part of The Choir: New Military Wives was watched by to 1.94m at 8.30pm, while Julie Walters: A Life On Screen was seen by 1.74m an hour later. Earlier in the evening, 1.85m tuned in for a 7.15pm rerun of that awful Wood woman's 2000 Christmas 'special' (and, I use that word quite wrongly) Victoria Wood With All the Trimmings, while 2.38m watched guests including Martin Bell take part in Christmas University Challenge at 8pm. Gogglebox led Channel Four's Christmas Eve programming, as an audience of 2.04m tuned in for a clip-show episode at 9.30pm. Elsewhere, six hundred and thirty one thousand watched Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas at 7.25pm, with 1.03m tuning in for The Snowman & The Snowdog at 7.55pm. My Big Fat Gypsy Christmas attracted nine hundred and seventy eight thousand at 8.30pm. On Channel Five, a repeat of Britain's Craziest Christmas Lights drew six hundred and ten thousand punters at 7.20pm, and seven hundred and ninety three thousand watched The Dog Rescuers with Alan Davies at 8.25pm. A re-run of the compilation show Greatest Ever Christmas Movies was seen by four hundred and eighty three thousand at 9.30pm.

A repeat of The Royle Family was the most watched peak-time programme of a vastly underwhelming Tuesday evening outside of soaps, according to overnight data. The Christmas special - which was first broadcast in 2012 - was watched by an average of 4.22m on BBC1 from 9pm. It peaked at 4.46m towards the end of the episode. Earlier in the evening, 4.14m tuned in to Celebrity Mastermind, while a repeat of the Mrs Brown's Boys' 2012 Christmas episode was watched by 3.34m. On BBC2, the final of Masterchef: The Professionals was watched by an average of 3.59m viewers from 8pm, followed by 1.87m for the latest episode of the utterly wretched, unfunny and waste-of-space The Wrong Mans, with was about as entertaining as an afternoon of rectal surgery without anaesthetic. Meanwhile, ITV showed the latest episode of Wilderness Walks With Ray Mears to 2.13m at 7.30pm. As predicted last week, and this blogger takes considerable pleasure in having been so utterly right on this occasion, a mere 1.79m joined the Curiously Orange Christine Bleakley and Michael Scott for Roman Britain From The Air at 8pm, a - laughably - piss-poor audience for a prime-time show on ITV and apparent proof that awful Bleakley woman is, simply, toxic in terms of audiences these days. That was followed by 1.90m who tuned into Lottery Stories: Be Careful What You Wish For at 9pm on what was, all round, an utterly miserable night for ITV. On Channel Four, festive favourite The Snowman was watched by 1.09m at 7.30pm. The likes of Johnny Vegas, Rufus Hound and Spencer Matthews attracted an audience of 1.46m from 8pm for Celebrity Fifteen To One, while 1.85m watched Eight Out Of Ten Cats. Channel Five got festive with Michael Bublé's Christmas Songbook at 8pm, attracting a million punters and took 1.04m for Kids' Hospital At Christmas at 9pm.

Jamie Scott, a sous-chef from Arbroath in Angus, has been crowned the winner of this year's MasterChef: The Professionals. In the final challenge of the BBC2 series, the twenty six-year-old made a three-course dinner reflecting his career. He beat Brian McLeish, head chef at an Aberdeen restaurant, and Sven-Hanson Britt. Jamie, who currently works at Rocca in St Andrews, said: 'I want to cry a little bit I'm so happy.' He added: 'It's not settled in yet, I wasn't expecting to win. The blood, the sweat, the tears - it's hard to fathom how much emotion goes into cooking and I hope I've showed that.' Jamie, who lives in Arbroath with his wife Kelly, is the eighth winner of the show. He was praised by the judges on Tuesday's show for his passion for food and love of cooking. Judge Marcus Wareing said: 'Jamie is a fantastic chef that has a personality and a big, big heart. That goes a long way in food and this is reflected in his plates - you can see it. I know we have found a true champion, we've found one of the future chefs of the country.'Sour-faced Monica Galetti added: 'Jamie has always given us delicious food, food that he enjoys eating. I am going to be so happy to follow this chef's career.' The finalists had to complete tasks including preparing a Michelin-standard dish for twenty five acclaimed Michelin-starred chefs, inspectors and restaurateurs, and travelling to San Sebastian in Spain to cook for influential chef Andoni Luis Aduriz at his famous restaurant Mugaritz. Jamie started his career at fourteen as the most junior person in the kitchen of his parents' pub, and eventually worked his way up to running it. He was inspired by his mother, who was herself a chef. He hopes to cook on TV and publish a book, as well as opening his own restaurant, which would be 'modern British with personal preferences', including his love of Thai food and the classic French cuisine he learned to cook with his mother. For the starter on his winning menu he served crab with pickled cucumber and apples, served with savoury doughnuts filled with flaked smokies and cheddar cheese. His main course was glazed short rib of beef with beef dripping, fried croutons and onion, smoked beef sirloin, salt baked turnips and burnt shallot puree, served with watercress puree and a beef jus. For pudding he served lemon cake topped with Italian meringue with lemon macarons, almond crumb, lemon curd and salted almonds, with a basil sorbet.
Big Brother was the most complained about show of the year, according to figures released by the broadcasting watchdog Ofcom. A politically appointed quango elected by no one. Just thought I'd mention that yet again. The reality show received three thousand seven hundred and eighty four complaints, mainly about the behaviour of its eventual winner Helen Wood and her treatment of other housemates. Wood achieved 'a measure of notoriety' - in that uniquely Twenty First Century way in which people of little of no worth whatsoever become, briefly, newsworthy with those who have their sodding brains leaking out of their ears - when she reportedly had an affair with the England footballer Wayne Rooney. She admitted she had been 'out of order' on several occasions in the house but claimed that she was 'only defending' herself. Celebrity Big Brother was in second place in the most winged about list with eighteen hundred and seventy four complaints, many of those about the Hollywood actor Gary Busey. Soaps Emmerdale, Coronation Street and EastEnders, also feature in the top ten of most whinged about programmes. The majority of complaints about Coronation Street related to a kiss between the characters Todd and Marcus proving that, at least in sections of British society, homophobia is still alive and kicking. Most of the complaints about EastEnders were, slightly more understandably, about the storyline where Linda Carter, the Queen Vic landlady, was raped. The BBC defended the storyline as part of the soap's 'rich history' of portraying difficult storylines. In third place was the Channel Four documentary Cutting Edge: Going To The Dogs. It received eighteen hundred and five complaints about animal cruelty and endorsing criminal behaviour. Another Channel Four documentary series, the odious Benefits Street, received nine hundred and sixty seven complaints about the 'representation' - for which read demonisation - of those on benefits, endorsing criminal behaviour and the welfare of children. The X Factor was the sixth most complained about TV show, with three hundred and sixty whinges, mainly about content and voting. A Sky News report which saw Colin Brazier going through the belongings of some of the victims of the MH17 air disaster in Ukraine was also in the top ten. Two hundred and fifty people complained about the broadcast, for which the reporter grovellingly apologised.
Girls is returning for a fourth season, and Hannah Horvath is in for 'an insane shock' when it comes to her relationship. Creator Lena Dunham says that she is excited for fans to watch the upcoming episodes because the programme has 'tried taking the series to a new notch', as seen in the new extended trailer released on Sunday. The seven-minute video clip begins with a shot of Dunham, in character as Hannah, snacking on grapes and stating, 'Honestly I feel like I made the right decision, which is a totally new sensation for me.'Lena begins background commentary, saying, 'This season of Girls is the girls making smarter choices and realising that life is still hard.' She reveals that Hannah 'is in love with Adam and feels afraid about what will happen to their relationship if she leaves. And it turns out she's justified in that fear. So she goes off to school thinking "Okay, we're not officially broken up but we're not officially together but he loves me so much this will never change." And it turns out he's not thinking about her as much as she's thinking about him and he's actually using this break as a chance to explore new horizons. And that is an insane shock to Hannah and a blow to her ego and I'm not going to say she handles it maturely', Lena reveals, while a scene simultaneously plays showing the character giving the middle finger to someone off camera while mouthing 'fuck you motherfucker.'Girls returns to HBO on 11 January, the same night of the Golden Globes on NBC, which will see the series receive two nominations.
Two former Scum of the World journalists who were extremely jailed for hacking the phones of politicians and celebrities have been given the go ahead to sue billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's publishing company for unfair dismissal. They can seek compensation for the loss of their jobs in 2011 following a decision by the president of the employment tribunals to dismiss an application by News Group Newspapers to have their cases struck out. Neville Thurlbeck, the paper's former chief reporter, and two former news editors, James Weatherup and Ian Edmonson, had all applied for an unfair dismissal hearing three years ago, but proceedings were delayed until the hacking trial, which also involved their former editor, well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks, was over. In a preliminary hearing, Judge Brian Doyle directed the case to be referred from the London East employment tribunal to the regional tribunal. A third application for a hearing for Edmondson, who was very jailed for eight months for hacking offences in November, was adjourned until he is released from prison. Thurlbeck and Weatherup, who had pleaded extremely guilty to hacking, have been free since August after completing the required sentences handed out at the end of the trial although some may well feel that all of them should've done a damned sight more jail than they actually did. Weatherup and Thurlbeck both lost their jobs when the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World closed in shame and ignominy in July 2011 and, like other staff, were told they were in-line for redundancy payments, but less than two month later they were both sacked for 'alleged gross misconduct.' Thurlbeck was very arrested in March 2011 on suspicion of intercepting voicemails, while Weatherup was detained the following month. They were not charged until July 2012. Doyle ruled that it appeared that News Group Newspapers did not follow the due process of law. 'Reduced to their essentials, the claimants' complaints of unfair dismissal are that, prior to their summary dismissals on 2 September 2011, they had not been subject to any allegations by their employer that they had committed acts of gross misconduct. What they did, they assert, was part of the culture of the organisation. They had been anticipating dismissal by reason of redundancy, with a suitable redundancy package.' In his judgment, he added that both dismissals appeared to rely upon the management and standards committee set up by the parent company News Corp in New York to investigate hacking. Doyle found that Thurlbeck and Weatherup were not provided with reasons for their dismissal. 'It carried out no investigation into the matter and did not follow any procedure before dismissing the duo. Whatever the evidence of wrongdoing the MSC might have had in relation to the claimants, that evidence was not shared with the respondent at the time of its decision to dismiss, nor subsequently with the claimants,' Doyle found. News Group Newspapers had argued that the claims were 'vexatious' and 'an abuse of process.' A spokesman for the company said: 'Due to active legal proceedings, it is not appropriate to make any comments on this case.'

The singer Joe Cocker, best known for his cover of The Beatles''With A Little Help From My Friends', has died aged seventy. The Sheffield-born singer had a career lasting more than forty years, with hits including 'You Are So Beautiful' and 'Up Where We Belong'. His agent Barrie Marshall said that Cocker, who died after battling lung cancer, was 'simply unique.' Sir Paul McCartney described Cocker as 'a lovely guy' who 'brought so much to the world.' Sir Paul said: 'It's really sad to hear about Joe's passing. He was a lovely Northern lad who I loved a lot and, like many people, I loved his singing. I was especially pleased when he decided to cover 'With A Little Help From My Friends' and I remember him and [producer] Denny Cordell coming round to The Beatles Apple Studio in Savile Row and playing me what they'd recorded. It was just mind-blowing, totally turned the song into a soul anthem and I was forever grateful for him for doing that. I knew him through the years as a good mate and I was so sad to hear that he had been ill and really sad to hear today that he had passed away. He was a great guy who brought so much to the world and we'll all miss him.' The Beatles drummer, yer actual Ringo Starr, also paid tribute, tweeting: 'Goodbye and God bless to Joe Cocker from one of his friends, peace and love.' Cocker's close friend Rick Wakeman called Joe's rendition of 'With A Little Help From My Friends''sensational' and said: 'He had a voice that was just unique.' Wakeman told BBC Radio 2: 'The great thing is with someone like Joe is what they leave behind, and that will be with us for years and years.' Known for his gritty voice, Cocker began his career while working as a gas fitter by day and playing in rock and roll bands in Sheffield by night. Using the stage name Vance Arnold, he opened for bands like The Rolling Stones and The Hollies when they came to town. 'Ray Charles was the guy I learned my vocal style from to the point of absolute adulation,' he later said. Cocker's first single in 1964 was a cover of The Beatles''I'll Cry Instead' (with Big Jim Sullivan and Jimmy Page playing guitars). Despite extensive promotion from Decca lauding his youth and working class roots, the record was a flop and his contract with Decca lapsed at the end of 1964. After Cocker recorded the single, he dropped his stage name and formed a new group. There is only one known recording of Joe Cocker's Big Blues on an EP given out by The Sheffield College during Rag Week and called Rag Goes Mad At The Mojo. He went back to fitting gas heaters, but he kept playing live. In 1966, after a year-long hiatus from music, Cocker teamed up with Chris Stainton, whom he had met several years before, to form The Grease Band, named after Cocker read an interview with jazz musician Jimmy Smith, where Smith described another musician as 'having a lot of grease.' The group mostly played in pubs in and around Sheffield but eventually came to the attention of Denny Cordell, the producer of Procol Harum, The Moody Blues and Georgie Fame. Cocker recorded the single 'Marjorine' for Cordell in a London studio. He then moved to London with Stainton and Cordell set Cocker up with a residency at The Marquee Club in London. After minor success in the United States with 'Marjorine', Cocker entered the big time with a ground-breaking rearrangement of 'With A Little Help From My Friends' which, many years later, would be used as the opening theme for the TV show The Wonder Years. The recording features lead guitar from Jimmy Page and the single made the Top Ten on the British charts, remaining there for thirteen weeks and eventually reaching number one, on 9 November 1968. It was also a hit in America. 'With A Little Help From My Friends' demonstrated to the world how Cocker could breathe new life into a great composition. The song had originally appeared on The Beatles'Sergeant Pepper's LP in a jaunty version sung by Ringo. But, after Cocker got his hands on it, it was a rousing, primal, tortured anthem of late-sixties solidarity. His howling performance at the Woodstock music festival in 1969, with his sweat-soaked curls flying as he rocked back and forth, made him a star in the US. Joe later recalled how Paul McCartney once told him his rendition was 'clearly the definitive version of the song.' He went on to have hits with 'Delta Lady', written by Leon Russell, a version of The Box Tops''The Letter', Julie London's torch song 'Cry Me A River' Billy Preston and Dennis Wilson's 'You Are So Beautiful' and Jimmy Webb's 'It's A Sin When You Love Somebody'. In 1969, Life Magazine summed him up as 'the voice of all those blind criers and crazy beggars and maimed men who summon up a strength we'll never know to bawl out their souls in the streets.' He was also well-known for his Mad Dogs & Englishmen Tour of 1970 and 1971, which visited forty eight cities across the US. But the tour was a huge drain on Joe personally and as the 1970s went on, he gained a reputation for drug and alcohol abuse, often performing shambolic gigs. 'People told me I'd done terrible shows and I refused to believe them,' he later recalled. 'Then someone played me a tape of myself and I said: "You must have been messing with the tape to make me sound like that. I don't sing as badly as that." And then I realised it was me.' In another interview, he explained: 'If I'd been stronger mentally, I could have turned away from temptation. But there was no rehab back in those days. Drugs were readily available, and I dived in head first.' A low point came when he was deported from Australia during a tour in 1972 after being busted for drug possession and becoming involved in a brawl at his hotel following a gig. One story, possibly apocryphal, claims that, when police in Adelaide turned up at his hotel and asked if he had any marijuana, he politely replied: 'There's some around here somewhere. Help yourselves!' He turned a corner after meeting his American wife, Pam, in 1978. 'At the start of the 1980s, I re-focused myself - it was either that or end up killing myself with drugs,' he said. His duet with Jennifer Warnes, 'Up Where We Belong' - from the film An Officer & A Gentleman - hit number one and went on to win both a Grammy and an Academy Award in 1983. He was made an OBE in 2011. 'In America, I'd become a cartoon character, but my European fans were always loyal. Even when I was at my most crazed, throwing my shoes into the crowd at gigs, they stuck with me. That helped me to rediscover my focus,' he said. He calmed down and quit smoking in 1992. In a 2000 interview he said: 'I quit smoking cigarettes about seven or eight years ago. That's been the saving grace. That little "ooh-ooh" high-end falsetto was starting to get clogged up and I was having trouble with my breathing. I'll never completely come through all those years of drinking and smoking and stuff. But I know people who prefer my voice today to how I sounded back then.' Last year, his arena tour across Europe saw him achieve a number one CD in Germany with Fire It Up and give what was to be his final concert in Hammersmith in June. When not performing Joe who recorded twenty three studio LPs, lived on a two hundred and forty-acre ranch in Colorado, where he and Pam ran a diner named the Mad Dog Cafe. Joe is survived by his wife, his brother Victor, his stepdaughter, Zoey and two grandchildren.

Jeremy Lloyd, the screenwriter, author, poet, comic actor and co-creator of the popular BBC comedies 'Allo 'Allo! and Are You Being Served?, has died at the age of eighty four. He died in hospital on Tuesday after being admitted with pneumonia, his agent Alexandra Cann said, adding: 'Jeremy was a great wit and always a mass of original ideas. He had a wonderfully original mind and will be greatly missed.' Lloyd was married four times, including to Joanna Lumley for a short period in the early 1970s. Lumley wrote about their brief union: 'He was witty, tall and charming - we should have just had a raging affair.' Six months ago Jeremy married his fourth wife, Lizzy Moberly, whom he described as 'beautiful, clever and sent from heaven on a mission impossible.' He was appointed an OBE in 2012 for services to comedy and said that he was 'astounded' to gain the honour for simply doing something which he enjoyed so much. Jeremy worked with David Croft on the popular sitcom series Are You Being Served? set in the Grace Brothers' department store, which ran from 1972 to 1985. They had sold the idea to the BBC, which made a pilot but was not over-impressed and put the show into storage. It was only broadcast in 1972 as a filler when the Munich massacre disrupted programming during the Summer Olympics. The series which followed ran for thirteen years, attracting audiences of up to twenty million at its peak. The success of Are you Being Served? spawned the, far less successful, spin-off revival Grace & Favour as well as another vehicle for Molly Sugden, the wretched joke-free Come Back Mrs Noah (1977) both of which Jeremy worked on with Croft whom he had first met when they were both writers for The Billy Cotton Band Show in the late 1950s and who died in 2011. Are You Being Served? was partly based on Jeremy's own experiences of working in a London department store - Simpsons of Piccadilly - as a suit salesman. He recalled of his time there: 'I was fired for selling soft drinks in a fitting room and smoking too much behind the counter.' Regarded by some contemporary comedians as conservative and regressive, Jeremy's comedy was always democratic in its populism. All the world was on display; every character – from bitter old maids to merrily gay tailors – had a dignity and, often, the last laugh. Everybody watching at home could imitate the catchphrases and recycle the gags at work or in the playground the next day. In 2011, Lloyd wrote: 'Friends often tell me how much their grandchildren enjoy Are You Being Served? It doesn't matter that they were not even born when it was broadcast, or that they belong to a very different world. Laughter crosses boundaries of class and age. Humour is universal.' The fact that 'Allo 'Allo! was eventually broadcast in Germany would seem to have proved him right. 'Allo 'Allo! was an occasionally tasteless, often farcical but, also superbly slapstick comedy of the absurd set in Nazi-occupied France. Essentially a parody of resistance movies like Casablanca and, principally, the deadly serious television series Secret Army, it can be viewed as an exercise in vulgar, if good-natured, absurdity but it, too, was a huge success with audiences and was screened on the BBC from 1982 to 1992. Lloyd's other work included writing the music and lyrics for the children's character Captain Beaky for two LPs (1977 and 1980) set to music by Jim Parker and recited by various British celebrities. The title song, 'Captain Beaky', reached the UK top five in 1980 performed by Keith Michell and the project generated numerous spin-offs, among them two books of poetry, a BBC television special, a West End musical and a pantomime. Earlier in his career, Jeremy who was born in Danbury, Essex in 1930, had been an actor and comedian and appeared in a number of British film comedies (including minor roles in both of The Beatles' movies with Richard Lester) and in TV series including The Rag Trade, Citizen James, Callan and Zero One. He also appeared twice in The Avengers, most notably as the eccentric chimney sweep, Berthram Fortesque Wynthrope-Smythe in the classic episode, From Venus With L♥ve in 1967. As an actor, Jeremy tended to be cast as an upper-class twit – thanks to his six foot four height, posh accent, blond hair and aristocratic charm. In fact, he was the son of an Army colonel and a Tiller girl who had once danced with Fred Astaire. Dispatched to live with an elderly grandmother in Manchester at the age of one and a half, many years later he told an interviewer: 'I occasionally saw my father but he used to introduce me to people as the son of bandleader Joe Loss. "You've heard of Joe Loss? This is my son, Dead Loss," he’d say. And he put me into a home when I was about thirteen. A home for elderly people, which was a wonderful experience.' Surrounded by retired colonels and vicars 'improved' Jeremy's accent: it went from Mancunian to Southern middle-class almost overnight. He remained estranged from his parents and his two sisters. On his father's death bed, the old man finally told his son that he was proud of what he had accomplished. Jeremy later claimed to be suspicious of his motives, however: 'I think [he said it] because he wanted me to get him a pack of cigarettes.' To support his grandmother, Lloyd did everything from digging roads to selling paint and that infamous stint working in Simpsons. Eventually he decided that he would like to have a go at writing comedy and turned up at Pinewood Studios with a script in hand. He was told that the American studio chief, Earl St John, never met anyone. Not one to take 'no' for an answer, Lloyd went to a telephone box around the corner, found the mogul's number and called him directly. St John, amused at being so boldly approached, invited him round for tea. To the surprise of everyone, the script turned out to be quite good and the film, What A Whopper, was eventually released as a vehicle for the singer Adam Faith in 1961. Jeremy began his TV career working on The Billy Cotton Band Show and Six-Five Special as well as providing jokes for Dickie Henderson before making his own film début in 1960 in School For Scoundrels. Jeremy's rise through the world of showbusiness is a story of 1960s meritocracy at its most dizzying in microcosm. At various times he wrote for Jon Pertwee, Morecambe and Wise, Bruce Forsyth and Lionel Blair. As an actor he turned up in numerous British comic films of the 1960s, usually as a tall gangly nice-but-dim chap, appearing in Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines, Doctor In Clover (both 1965) and The Wrong Box (1966) opposite John Mills, Michael Caine and Peter Cook. As part of the Chelsea set that hung around with The Beatles, he made uncredited cameo appearances in A Hard Day's Night (as the chap dancing rather extravagantly with Ringo in a nightclub) and Help! (as a patron in the Indian restaurant scene). In 1974 he was cast as a British Army officer in Murder On The Orient Express. During the 1960s, he was engaged to the actress Charlotte Rampling and, briefly, was rumoured to be going out with Diana Rigg. Later, he also had some success in the US, with regular slots on the cult comedy sketch show Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1969 to 1970) where his upper crust Knightsbridge accent was a fab-gear hit with Stateside audiences. He additionally wrote material for the show. The pay, he claimed, was 'poor' but the perks were great. He estimated that he received five thousand letters from women each week. He invited many to attend the show: 'One day the producer came up to me and he said, "It's all very well Jeremy, but you've brought forty two girls in today and they're better looking than what our casting agents have sent."' So, Lloyd was given the job of casting the show's dance section as well. From his time in the US, Jeremy was the subject of a persistent urban legend which claimed that he had been invited to a dinner party at the home of the actress Sharon Tate on the night that she and other house guests were horribly murdered by followers of Charles Manson. This eventually turned out not to be a myth at all. When the octogenarian Jeremy was interviewed by Emma Freud on BBC Radio's Loose Ends in December 2011, he verified that he had, indeed, been invited but had a prior stage engagement in New York that week. Jeremy's first marriage to the model Dawn Bailey lasted seven years from 1955. He was briefly married to Joanna Lumley whom he met on the set of the sitcom It's Awfully Bad For Your Eyes, Darling, but the marriage was dissolved after a few months. In 1992 he married the actress Collette Northrop.

Good news everyone; yer actual Keith Telly Topping's six monthly diabetes check-up was completed on Tuesday of this very week. His blood glucose level, which was seventy three at one point (which is, you know, bad) and which had been steady at forty seven for the last twelve months (which is, sort of borderline okay, certainly compared to seventy three) is now down to forty four (which is even slightly more borderline okay). Keith Telly Topping's weight is also the lowest that it's been in, well 'kin years if he's honest and his blood pressure is, similarly, at a more than acceptable level. Christmas present, number one, it could be suggested. Keith Telly Topping walked out of the surgery on one of the most miserable, cold, dank and dreary days of the year in which Tyneside looks exactly like the thorough shithole it is and switched on his MP3 player. The first song up was one which perfectly matched how he felt at that exact moment (well, the chorus did, anyway). Then, he went to do the Christmas food shop at Morrisons. And, that wiped the smile off his mush pretty damn sharpish ...

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self has also been doing a whole heap of BBC local radio slots over the last couple of weeks on various subjects around the Christmas telly schedules and all that. Firstly, on 4 December he was featured chatting to Anne Leuchars on BBC Newcastle's Jon & Ann drive-time show which you can listen to here about thirty six minutes into the broadcast on the subject of repeats and the way in which we, as viewers, consume TV these days. On 18 December, this blogger was on the lovely Simon Logan's The Afternoon Show, here (from around two hours and fifty minutes and in three chunks either side of the three o'clock news) about the TV highlights of the year so far. And, on 24 December, he got up at the crack of dawn to do a down-the-line interview with Alfie Joey and Gilly Hope on Alfie & Charlie At Breakfast (With Gilly Instead of Charlie), here from one hour and forty minutes on this particular broadcast about the Christmas day schedules. Bear in mind, all Listen Again programmes on BBC iPlayer can now be accessed for roughly twenty eight days from initial broadcast. So, if you're reading this blog sometime from the middle of January onwards, chances are you'll have missed your opportunity!

And so, inevitably, to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's Christmas 45 of the Day. Here's The Greedies. Do, please, try not to catch salmonella poisoning on Boxing Day from all your leftover turkey sarnies, dear blog reader.

Mrs Brown's Boys was the most watched television programme live on Christmas Day for the second year running, according to initial overnight data. The first of two festive specials of the Brendan O'Carroll sitcom was watched by an average overnight figure of 7.61 million, giving the show a thirty two per cent share of the available audience from 10pm to 10.30pm. Overall figures for live TV viewing this year were sharply down on previous years, an increasing sign that the way in which audiences consume television is changing, and changing rapidly. Too rapidly it would seem for several national newspapers who ran the usual hysterical stories about viewers switching off in disgust over ... something. Immigration, probably, that seems to be the only thing that produces disgust in people these days (at least, according to the Daily Scum Mail. well, that and house prices). The Gruniad Morning Star, on the other hand, used the opportunity for a further good hard lick of Netflix's wrinkly scrotum (as is their want). 'The slump in audience numbers is a further sign of the fragmentation of TV viewing,' wrote John Plunkett. 'As well as the proliferation of channels in the digital era, the last few years have seen the rise of online providers such as Netflix, maker of Kevin Spacey's House Of Cards and on-demand viewing via personal video recorders and platforms such as the BBC iPlayer.' Quite what the hell House Of Cards (the second series of which appeared on Netflix ten months ago) had to do with Christmas Day terrestrial TV viewing habits is another question entirely. But then, this is the Gruniad Morning Star we're talking about, and they always talk Middle Class hippy Communist drivel. BBC1 had seven of the top ten most watched programmes while ITV had three - as usual, the channels shared The Queen's Christmas Broadcast, the combined audience of which made it the most watched programme of the day (something else about which the Daily Scum Mail had plenty to say). Mrs Brown's Boys also topped the ratings last year, but it dropped from the overnight of 9.4 million viewers it attracted then, while second-placed EastEnders also saw its traditionally high Christmas Day overnight audience fall, to a decent but hardly earth-shattering 7.55 million. ITV had three shows in the top ten, according to the figures from the Broadcasters' Audience Research Board, with Coronation Street, Emmerdale and Downton Abbey in seventh, ninth and tenth places respectively and, also, all significantly down on the overnight audiences they attracted on Christmas Day 2013. The Queen's Christmas Broadcast attracted 5.71 million on BBC1 and 2.11 million on ITV, while a further four hundred thousand watched a repeat of the monarch's message - in which she didn't abdicate - at 17:00 on BBC2. The Queen used her broadcast to highlight the importance of reconciliation between people, speaking of the impact of the Scottish independence referendum and recalling the moment German and British soldiers put down their weapons and met on Christmas Day in 1914 for a game of football. As has long been the case there was a strong preference to watch the broadcast on BBC1, attracting more that double the figure who tuned into ITV. Elsewhere on BBC1, 6.98m overnight viewers saw Louis Smith win Strictly Come Dancing Christmas at 5pm. Call The Midwife attracted 6.83m at 7.45pm, while Doctor Who's Last Christmas achieved 6.34m overnight viewers and Miranda's penultimate episode was watched by 6.67m. The Doctor Who episode had an AI score of eighty two. Last year, of course, more than four-and-a-half million people either recorded that year's Doctor Who special - The Time Of The Doctor - and watched in the following week, or downloaded it from the BBC's iPlayer, increasing its viewing figures hugely and it wasn't the only Christmas Day programme to achieve a massive timeshift. To demonstrate that point, in the first four days after Christmas Day, video on demand timeshift figures reported on Tuesday, saw an increase in Doctor Who's audience of approximately 1.75 million additional viewers to those who watched the episode live, taking its audience, at that stage, up to 8.08m. And, that's without adding in an iPlayer viewers, who are counted separately. So, it's highly likely that when the final and consolidated figures for the Christmas period are released in early January, some of the top ten positions will be shuffled around. Changing times and technologies does not mean Christmas Day programmes are becoming less popular, of course. It merely means - as this blogger mentioned on his appearance on local radio last week - that audiences now watch when they want, rather than gathering around the TV as was traditional for many years. In recent years, live viewing figures for Christmas Day have continued to decline, as people use on-demand services such as iPlayer and the ITV Player, video on demand services such as Sky+ or watch online. Downton Abbey's much-trailed two-hour episode was ITV's biggest programme of the day outside of the two soaps - 5.51m watched from 9pm as the Crawley family celebrated Christmas. Earlier in the evening, Paul O'Grady: For The Love Of Dogs got a damned good hiding when placed opposite Doctor Who, being watched by a mere 2.97m. On BBC2, a selection of festive comedy repeats led the schedule. Morecambe & Wise In Pieces topped the channel's ratings at 6.15pm with 2.03m, while 1.24m watched Dad's Army at 7.45pm and 1.37m saw Blackadder's Christmas Carol at 8.15pm. University Challenge performed well too, securing 1.52m at 7.15pm. Channel Four's festivities began with a film, Arthur Christmas, which had an audience of 1.43m at 6pm. Then, 1.13m stayed with the channel at 8pm for Frozen At Christmas. Meanwhile an extended Alan Carr: Chatty Man was watched by 1.09m at 9pm. On Channel Five, a showing of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang brought in 1.17m from 3.30pm, while Chas & Dave's Xmas Knees Up was watched by eight hundred and thirteen thousand geezers at 7pm. BBC3 was the best-performing multichannel at 9pm, securing 1.00m for Shrek Forever After. BBC1, which traditionally dominates Christmas Day TV, had a twenty nine per cent share of the overall peak-time viewing, between 6pm and 10.30pm, well ahead of ITV's twenty three per cent. 'It's fantastic to see millions of viewers choosing BBC1, with the top five most popular shows on Christmas Day,' said the channel's controller, Charlotte Moore. 'Audiences tuned in for an incredible range of quality programmes from drama, comedy and entertainment; with Mrs Brown's Boys taking the top spot for a second year running.'

As you probably know, dear blog reader, if you were watching Last Christmas - either live, via your TiVo box or online - yer actual Jenna Coleman is to continue playing the part of The Doctor, if you will, friend Clara Oswald for another series of the show. There had been uncertainty about the future of the former Emmerdale actress, who joined the show in 2012. Most of it caused by a series of stories in the Daily Mirra which, first of all, claimed that she was leaving, then that she wasn't. So, ultimately, they were right. And wrong. Both, in fact. Jenna has starred alongside two Doctors - first Matt Smith and now Peter Capaldi. 'It's wonderful,' she said. 'I get a whole other series of stories with The Doctor and I couldn't walk away with the story being unresolved.' She added: 'There is so much more to do. I think they've finally just reached a point where they really understand each other. The arrival of [Capaldi's] Doctor has just kind of dropped this whole bombshell and allowed the dynamic to totally change, so I think just when Clara was feeling more comfortable in the relationship, it has suddenly thrown something new up.' Capaldi his very self added: 'I'm thrilled. Jenna has just been fantastic and such a pleasure to work with.'
BBC1 also came out on top in the Boxing Day overnight ratings thanks to Still Open All Hours and the first terrestrial showing of Marvel's Avengers Assemble. The opening episode in a new series of the updated Sir David Jason sitcom attracted 5.69m viewers from 6.30pm, while Joss Whedon's comic book action movie pulled in 5.28m at 8.30pm. David Walliams's The Boy In The Dress was seen by 4.80m at 7pm, and wasn't quite as rotten as this blogger feared it would be, before EastEnders topped the night across all channels with 7.41 million. A packed Match Of The Day - including yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved, though unsellable Magpies getting a Christmas stuffing off The Scum - rounded off the night with 3.24m. Horrible, wretched, way past its sell-by date Birds Of A Feather's return could only attract a mere 3.95m overnight viewers for ITV at 9pm, a massive drop on the kind of overnight audiences it was pulling in a year ago for its first ITV series. So, perhaps there is a baby Jesus after all. Bradley Walsh's Christmas Cracker had 2.77m prior to that. A festive offering of Through The Keyhole (down the plughole, more like) interested 2.74m sad, crushed victims of society at 9.30pm on what was, overall, a very disappointing night for ITV who seldom perform well on Christmas Day but usually mange to pull something out of the bag for Boxing Day. Not this year. On Channel Four, the mid-season finale of Agents of SHIELD was watched by five hundred and eighty thousand, an encore showing of the Bear's Wild Weekend episode with Ben Stiller took eight hundred and seventy thousand and The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year amused 2.11m (10.1%). That awful Wood woman's twee and simpering musical That Day We Sang got 1.99m at 9pm on BBC2, while a repeat of the comic's horribly piss-poor Midlife Christmas brought in 2.38m an hour earlier. This blogger resigned from the general public in protest, dear blog reader, though I don't think it did much good. he latest Christmas University Challenge special claimed 1.55m at 6.45pm. Channel Five's line-up of festive comedy favourites saw a Rob Brydon live show appeal to four hundred and seventy eight thousand, a Morecambe and Wise performance from 1973 bring in eight hundred and three thousand and Tommy Cooper's 1974 Christmas Special interest six hundred and ninety nine thousand. Elsewhere, Sky1's murder mystery Agatha Raisin And The Quiche of Death drew an audience of three hundred and twenty seven thousand at 8.30pm and BBC4's debut of the the first two episodes of the Swedish adaptation of Wallander, Faceless Killers got three hundred and ninety thousand and three hundred and seventy six thousand at 9pm and 9.55pm respectively.

The first of the two-part Top Gear Patagonia Special was seen by an average overnight audience of 4.7 million on Saturday night on BBC2. At least a portion of whom, one imagines, were professional offence takers and Middle Class hippy Communist lice tuning-in to see if they could find something to whinge, loudly, about. Shown at 8.30pm, the first of a two-part special saw Jezza Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May drive three classic V8-engined sports cars throughout Argentina and Chile. With explosive results. The show peaked with 5.11 million viewers at 9.15pm. It was sandwiched between Operation Grand Canyon With Dan Snow and a repeat of Christmas Day's episode of James May's Toy Stories, which were watched by 1.57 million and 1.69 million, respectively. BBC2's evening ended with 1.25 million for the Qi XL Christmas episode and five hundred and ninety thousand for Harry & Paul's Story Of The Twos. On BBC1, Pointless Celebrities topped the evening's ratings with average viewing figures of 5.04 million from 6.45pm. The night continued with four million watching The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List at 7.40pm, followed by 3.85 million for Bruce's Hall of Fame at 8.30pm. A repeat of Mrs Brown's Boys was seen by 4.45 million at 9.40pm, while Live At The Apollo drew 2.48 million at 10.35pm. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 dominated ITV's schedule, attracting an average audience of 3.1 million from 7pm. ITV's evening ended with 1.74 million Darcy Oake: Edge Of Reality at 9.50pm. Mission: Impossible 2 was seen by nine hundred and eighty thousand on Channel Four from 7.10pm, while The Fifty Funniest Moments 2014 picked up 1.05 million at 9.30pm. Channel Five attracted viewing figures of 1.21 million for The Haunting of Radcliffe House at 9.35pm. It was preceded by Chas & Dave's Xmas Knees Up! with six hundred and ten thousand and The Dog Rescuers With Alan Davies with six hundred and thirty three thousand. BBC3's showing of Shrek was seen by eight hundred and twenty six thousand at 7pm, followed by six hundred and seventy seven thousand for Donkey's Carolling Christmas-tacular at 8.25pm.

Still Open All Hours was also Sunday's highest rated show with 6.39 million viewers. Figures for the second episode of the David Jason-starring comedy were up by seven hundred thousand compared to the first episode on Boxing Day. It was followed by 4.88 million for Antiques Roadshow at 8pm and 5.68 million for the beginning of a new series of Last Tango In Halifax at 9pm. Featuring highlights from The Arse versus The Hamsters, Sheikh Yer Man City versus Burnley and yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies giving the Everton a reet good twankin', Match Of The Day was seen by 3.39 million at 10.30pm. The second part of the Top Gear's Patagonia Special was seen by an average audience of 4.84 million on BBC2 at 8pm. Sunday's episode concluded with several minutes of footage showing the production team's convoy being escorted out of Argentina by police and, at one point, being pelted with stones and eggs by an angry mob of Argies who were clearly aal stroppy and discombobulated. Over a number plate, apparently. The episode concluded, amusingly, with an homage to the famous final scene of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. Speaking of Top Gear, there's a - surprisingly balanced and, seemingly, factually accurate - piece by Harriet Alexander on the story behind 'allegedly controversial' Patagonia special which you can check out here. Makes quite a change from the shrill, politically agenda-soaked wank you normally get on the subject from the Gruniad Morning Star. Racing Legends: Barry Sheene drew 1.47 million at 9.05pm. ITV's evening kicked off with 2.95 million for Unbelievable Moments Caught On Camera at 7pm, followed by 3.78 million for All Star Family Fortunes' Christmas Special at 8pm and 3.37 million for All New It'll Be Alright On The Night at 9pm. Down the Christmas Plughole rounded the evening off with 1.18 million at 10.15pm. The return of The Hotel secured 1.53 million viewers for Channel Four at 8pm, while the Homeland season four finale was seen by 1.31 million immediately after. Channel Five's coverage of The World's Strongest Man attracted seven hundred and twenty seven thousand at 7pm, while Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away followed with four hundred and fifteen thousand at 8pm. Most Shocking Celebrity Moments 2014 secured an evening high for the channel of seven hundred and eighty two thousand at 9pm. With 1.15 million viewers, BBC3's 8pm showing of Shrek 2 was among the most popular multichannel shows.

The Daily Mirra - who, of course, haven't spent the last year engaged in a rather sinister and seemingly political agenda-based campaign against Top Gear. Oh no. Very hot water - claim that Jezza Clarkson appeared to 'mock'Top Gear's recently upheld Ofcom ruling of racism in the second episode of the popular driving and entertainment show's Patagonia special. Driving over a makeshift bridge in Argentina, Jezza said to Richard Hammond: 'That is a proud moment, Hammond, but ... is it straight?' This, the Mirra claim, 'echoed' the remark which got the show into hot water in last year's Burma special. So, seemingly, Top Gear can't do right for doing wrong according to the Mirra. Who, to be fair, at least seemed to get this story by watching the episode instead of, you know, hacking people's phone. That, in and of itself, might be regarded as a step in the right direction.
Mapp & Lucia topped the ratings outside soaps on Monday, overnight data reveals. The BBC1 drama adaptation's first episode attracted an average overnight audience of 3.81 million at 9pm. Earlier, The Muppets entertained 2.70m at 6.30pm, followed by a Miranda repeat with 3.04m at 8pm. Darcey Bussell's Looking For Audrey documentary brought in 2.23m at 10.35pm on what was, all round, a quiet night. BBC2's repeat of Nature's Weirdest Events appealed to 1.95m at 6.30pm, followed by a rerun of Operation Grand Canyon with 1.62m at 7.30pm. Christmas University Challenge attracted 2.32m at 8.30pm, while new documentary Snow Wolf Family & Me was watched by 2.05m at 9pm. On ITV, Countrywise gathered 2.56m at 8pm. The Angus Deayton-fronted clip show Christmas Epic Fails was, every single bit as rotten as this blogger had expected, and was seen by a mere 2.50m at 9pm. Channel Four's Mini Cooper: For the Love Of Cars - shown immediately after a broadcast of The Italian Job - attracted seven hundred and fifty thousand at 8pm, followed by Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown with 1.75m at 9pm. On Channel Five, World's Strongest Man continued with a million punters at 8pm, while The Rock had an audience of eight hundred and fifty thousand at 9pm.
A bizarre selection of vexatious and ridiculous complaints to the BBC have been highlighted by the corporation including an alleged 'gay agenda' in Doctor Who and a 'bias against tall women' in the popular sitcom Miranda. A report from the BBC Trust has publicly named and shamed some of the more strange issues which a handful of viewers have written in to the corporation to whinge about. Around thirteen thousand complaints were made to the BBC directly in the past eighteen months, with many popular shows causing upset. To morons. One viewer accused Miranda Hart's self-titled comedy series of 'ridiculing' tall women, despite it being written by its six-foot-tall star. Three viewers - or, sick homophobic wastes of oxygen with an agenda smeared all over their no doubt ugly and sour faces, in other words - were 'concerned' with perceived 'promoting homosexuality' in the Doctor Who episode Deep Breath, in regard to the same sex relationship between the Silurian Madame Vastra and her human wife Jenny. Another viewer objected to the use of the word 'numpty' in Dragons' Den, used in one episode by Peter Jones. Ten people whinged about Jonathan Ross's return to the BBC following the Sachsgate incident. Meanwhile, The Great British Bake Off angered one viewer - or, one plank to be more accurate - for its use of the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah, and actors in Last Tango In Halifax were criticised by one busybody with nothing better to do with their time for 'not paying attention while driving.' The BBC received thirteen thousand six hundred and eighty eight whinges between February 2013 and September 2014, with twelve thousand of them being taken through a formal process of review. A BBC spokesperson said: 'The complaints framework that the BBC Trust put in place in 2012 allows the BBC to close down, after an initial response, complaints that for example are hypothetical, use abusive language, fail to cite any evidence or breaches of the BBC's editorial guidelines. Only about ten per cent of complaints fall into this category and if complainants are unhappy they can appeal to the BBC Trust.'
Twelve Years A Slave actor Paul Dano will lead the cast of the BBC's forthcoming adaptation of War & Peace. The actor will star as Pierre Bezukhov in BBC1's upcoming version of the Leo Tolstoy classic, which will be broadcast in 2015. James Norton will also appear as Prince Andrei Bolkonsky, alongside Downton Abbey's Lily James, who has already been confirmed to play Natasha Rostova. Norton said: 'I am thrilled to be entrusted with Andrei in this exciting adaptation. It's a privilege to bring to life one of Tolstoy's wonderfully rich and conflicted characters. And to get to work alongside talents such as Tom Harper, Andrew Davies, Lily James and Paul Dano is very exciting - I can't wait to get started.'Other cast members include Stephen Rea as Prince Vassily Kuragin, Adrian Edmondson and Greta Scacchi as Count and Countess Rostov and Jack Lowden as Nikolai Rostov. The Musketeers' Tom Burke will play Dolokhov and Aisling Loftus has been cast as Sonya. BBC1's channel controller, Charlotte Moore, said of the cast: 'War & Peace will be a major event drama on BBC1and it is only fitting that Tolstoy's epic masterpiece has attracted such a fine cast of actors to Andrew Davies' stunning scripts.' Original House Of Cards writer Davies has scripted the adaptation, which is a co-production between The Weinstein Company and the BBC. The series will be comprised of six hour-long episodes. Set in 1805 during Alexander I's reign, War & Peace follows five aristocratic families and Napoleon's invasion of Russia in 1812. Filming for the adaptation will begin in Russia, Lithuania and Latvia in January. A previous BBC adaptation in 1972 starred Anthony Hopkins, Alan Dobie, David Swift and, in a small role, Colin Baker.

The BBC has postponed a documentary based on the relationship between the Royal Family and the press in the aftermath of the death of Princess Diana. Reinventing The Royals was due to be screened on Sunday and is described on the corporation's website as a 'two-part series about the twenty-year battle between the monarchy and the media - the first family and the fourth estate - over personal privacy and public image.' According to the Radio Times, the documentary, presented by former Panorama editor and regular Gruniad Morning Star contributor Steve Hewlett, was pulled from the 9pm slot on Sunday's schedule after lawyers 'known to represent senior members of the royal family' had made contact. A statement from the corporation said: 'The BBC is delaying broadcast of the documentary Reinventing The Royals, due to be shown on BBC2 on 4 January until later in the New Year while a number of issues including the use of archive footage are resolved.' In an article for the Radio Times, Hewlett said that the documentary includes the first-ever television interview with Sandy Henney, Prince Charles's press secretary at the time of Diana's death in 1997. Hewlett claimed that Prince Charles hired Mark Bolland as a form of 'spin doctor' to help with his portrayal in the media. Anti-monarchy campaign Republic have said they will write to James Harding, the BBC's head of news and current affairs, to 'seek clarification' on why the documentary has been postponed. Republic's spokesman Graham Smith, said: 'The decision to delay broadcast of this documentary looks like undue pressure and interference that would not be tolerated if it were from Cameron or Miliband. At best the BBC might make a quick edit to avoid libelling someone - but delaying the broadcast so it can discuss the content of a documentary with its principal subject is unacceptable. The BBC has a responsibility to the public to show no fear or favour in its reporting. Prince Charles is in line to be Britain's head of state - he must be subjected to the same standards of media scrutiny as any politician. The BBC and other broadcasters are far too deferential to the royals. It's time they began to treat them in the same way they treat politicians and other public officials.'

Margaret Thatcher conducted 'a covert war' against the BBC, believing its corporation's news coverage was 'biased and irresponsible', previously unpublished files have revealed. A series of Downing Street memos show that 'an unstated objective' of a sweeping review, initiated by the then Prime Minister, of the corporation’s finances was to 'knock the BBC down to size.' Thatcher - a hateful and bitter old neo-Conservative who is now extremely dead and, if there is any such thing as justice in the universe is now, hopefully, burning in the pits of Hell - favoured 'a series of radical moves' to force the broadcaster to become more efficient, including introducing television sets which only showed ITV and Channel Four, and forcing its stations to run advertising. She also held secret talks with a Conservative-supporting BBC controller who warned that the corporation was 'contemptuous of politicians' and increasingly saw itself 'as a state within the state.' Documents released by the National Archives show that Thatch held similarly strong views of the BBC's coverage in the mid-Eighties. A record dated 9 January 1985 of a meeting between Thatcher and Leon Brittan, then the Home Secretary, said: 'The Prime Minister reiterated her concern about the BBC's journalistic standards. News and current affairs coverage was too often biased and irresponsible; and some programmes on both radio and television were distasteful to the point of offending against public decency.' In March 1985 Thatcher's government initiated an inquiry, chaired by Professor Alan Peacock, on the financing of the BBC. It was billed as 'a wide-ranging review of the corporation's funding arrangements' and the future of the licence fee. However, a memo written by Peter Warry of the Downing Street Policy Unit reveals that some of the 'unstated objectives' in establishing The Peacock Review were to 'knock the BBC down to size, to force them to improve efficiency, and to prevent them from extravagantly expanding into everything from DBS to breakfast-time TV.' Brittan also believed that the review might 'expose the weaknesses' in the BBC's objections to accepting advertising on its television and radio stations, 'which relied heavily on the argument that journalistic standards and objectivity would be threatened.' Thatcher suggested the introduction of advertising 'on light music radio' programmes as early as September 1979, four months after she took office, according to a Downing Street summary of a meeting between her and Willie Whitelaw, one of Brittan's predecessors as Home Secretary. The idea came amid 'considerable concern' in the government about the BBC's spending, which by November 1979 was running at a deficit of fifty million smackers. 'The Prime Minister also suggested that people ought to have the option of not paying for a licence and only watching ITV,' the September 1979 note stated. 'This would put pressure on the BBC to be more competitive and it would be consistent with the Government's aim of giving people as much free choice as possible. But it would of course be necessary for the TV manufacturers to produce a set which could only be tuned in to ITV stations.' Channel Four began transmission three years later and in 1985 Thatcher told Brittan that she saw 'no reason' why people should not be able to buy sets that 'could only receive non-BBC programmes.'Professor Peacock's review ultimately ruled out advertising on the basis that the BBC would be 'driven into a ratings war to attract advertisers' and that programmes which were 'loved by many people might be scrapped because they did not attract top viewing figures.' Thatcher had told Whitelaw that she was 'concerned about the extravagance of some BBC spending.' But by November 1979, she had, seemingly, changed her mind. Prior to that, she had also proposed that a tax could be charged on every new radio sold, with the money used to help finance the BBC and an amendment so that people would not have to pay the licence fee if they only watched ITV. But her proposals did not get universal backing. Bernard Ingham, her press secretary (another wretchedly loathsome piece of stinking pond scum whose various comments over the years about the Hillsborough tragedy and who was responsible for it won't be forgotten or forgiven in Liverpool any time soon), wrote: 'The BBC's reputation worldwide rests in part on its integrity as an independent source of information financed without commercial sponsorship. To introduce commerciality could only, in my view, damage its reputation, particularly in the areas of news and current affairs.' And, in a memo to the Prime Minister, Whitelaw wrote: 'I know that there have been suggestions that the BBC should be funded at least in part from advertising. This would be extremely controversial and would be bitterly criticised by the BBC Governors and others in the broadcasting world as well as by some people in our party.' By November 1979, a memo to the Home Office suggested Thatcher had gone off the idea, at least in the short-term. It read: 'The Prime Minister has decided that - on reflection - it would be a mistake for the Home Secretary even to raise the possibility of the BBC's accepting radio advertising at this stage' but that 'she would not like to rule this out for all time.'

BBC1's police drama Happy Valley was the best TV show of 2014, according to Radio Times' team of critics. Mind you, given that this would include that horrible, know-nothing Allison Graham woman with her ugly views, that's no really the glowing endorsement it could have been in the hands of someone that actually knew what they were talking about. Graham, the magazine's TV editor, called the Yorkshire-based programme 'bitingly raw' and said that its writer, Sally Wainwright, and lead actor Sarah Lancashire had 'never been better.'All of which proves that, like a broken clock, Allison Graham is, occasionally, right. But, not very often. Line Of Duty and Sherlock took second and third place in a BBC-heavy top ten. The Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon comedy The Trip To Italy - which was decent, but nowhere near as impressive as the previous series - came fourth, with Sky Atlantic's US import True Detective - this blog's own suggestion for the best show on TV in 2014 - rounding out the top five. 'The critics' top five shows that our love of quality crime and detective drama is alive and well,' said Tim Glanfield, editor of the Radio Times website. Yet he said it was 'nice' to see such 'left-field comedies' as Channel Four's Toast Of London and BBC4's Detectorists also featuring in the top ten. Set in West Yorkshire, Happy Valley saw former Coronation Street actress Lancashire play a police sergeant investigating a kidnap plot. Work on a second series is due to begin in 2015 and will be broadcast later in the year. Peter Capaldi's debut as The Doctor saw perennial favourite Doctor Who merit inclusion in the list, in ninth place. Writer Huw Fullerton admitted the actor's 'more hostile, older Time Lord' had been 'a hard sell' but said it was now 'hard to imagine anyone else at the helm of the TARDIS.'

Alan Davies has 'hit out' (that's tabloidese for 'criticised' only with less syllables) at TV soaps for 'destroying sitcoms.' rather than hitting out at the real culprits for the lack of decent comedies on British TV, comedy writers for not coming up with any good or original ideas. The Jonathan Creek actor, who starred in his own flop sitcom, Whites, a couple of years ago, said that soap actors were not given enough time to learn their lines and that the likes of EastEnders, Coronation Street and Emmerdale were being churned out in 'a factory.' Which is probably true but that's not something that began happening last week, it's been that way for decades. He told Radio Times magazine that soaps had come to dominate the TV schedules, leaving 'no space for quality sitcoms.' Speaking about his family's viewing habits, Davies said: 'Any soap gets turned off. Just the theme tune of EastEnders is enough. I hold soaps responsible for the death of the sitcom. All the best slots have been taken by the soaps.' Mind you, crap programmes about dogs don't help the situation either. Anyway, the Qi panellist added: 'The actors are doing their best in an impossible situation, with so many lines to learn in not enough time. They have my professional sympathy.' But he added: 'It's just a factory turning out not very good drama.' The comedian told the magazine: 'I get why people get hooked on them, but like anything mass-produced, you're not going to get as nice a meal in a fast food place as when a chef has time to prepare it properly.' Davies also criticised The Jeremy Kyle Show as 'appallingly exploitative.' But he did praise US drama Homeland and Channel Four reality hit Gogglebox, 'which I find addictive.' While the 1970s is still regarded as the golden age of the British sitcom, traditional-style sitcoms such as Not Going Out, Miranda and Mrs Brown's Boys have enjoyed a resurgence in recent years.

John Carver and Steve Stone are set to be in charge for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle's next two matches with Alan Pardew poised to become Crystal Palace's new manager. The two clubs appear to have agreed compensation for Pardew to succeed Neil Warnock, who was sacked on Saturday. Pardew did not take training at United on Tuesday and assistant manager Carver and first team coach Stone have stepped in. They will oversee Thursday's Premier League home game against Burnley and Saturday's FA Cup tie at Leicester. 'Crystal Palace have offered compensation at a level whereby Alan has now been permitted to speak to them,' said a Newcastle statement on Monday night. Pardew, has been Newcastle manager since December 2010 and is currently the fourth longest-serving manager in English football, after The Arse's Arsene Wenger, Exeter City's Paul Tisdale and Karl Robinson of MK Dons. The former Reading, West Ham, Southampton and Charlton boss steered Newcastle to a fifth-placed finish in the Premier League in 2012 - winning both the football writers and LMA manager of the year award in the process - and is currently under contract at St James' Park until 2020. United are ninth in the table ahead of a home game against Burnley on New Year's Day, having ended a run of three Premier League defeats with a 3-2 victory over Everton on Sunday. Some supporters on Tyneside had called for Pardew to be sacked earlier this season when Newcastle were in the bottom three at the start of October after failing to win any of their opening seven league games and a record of just five wins since the start of the 2014. However, a run which included wins against Moscow Chelski FC, Stottingtot Hotshots and Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws dramatically changed both the Magpies league position and the humour of many fans. Pardew has strong links with Palace having spent four years playing in their midfield from 1987. He scored the winning goal as the Eagles beat Liverpool 4-3 after extra-time in a famous 1990 FA Cup semi-final and played in the final and the subsequent replay against The Scum. Newcastle are unlikely to deviate from Mike Ashley's 'master plan' as they look to fill the gap left by Pardew's impending departure. The process of identifying the fifty three-year-old's replacement began along with the discussions over his proposed exit. Whoever slips into the St James' Park hot-seat in his wake will have to buy into the same model under which Pardew has operated during his time at the club. Press reports have suggested that Pardew decided to call it a day at Newcastle - who he has always been something of divisive figure, respected and broadly supported by some (this blogger included) but actively disliked by a sizeable proportion of the club's fanbase - after being told there would not be significant investment in the squad during the forthcoming transfer window, and fearing that key players, midfielder Moussa Sissoko among them, could be sold next month. The Press Association says that it 'understands' Pardew had been given assurances that the Magpies would remain extremely strong on that front and would not be allowing the likes of the France international, who has been linked with Paris St Germain and The Arse, to leave in January. Ashley, who remains on holiday in Barbados with chief executive Lee Charnley conducting affairs back on Tyneside, is unlikely to make a hasty decision. Former Netherlands defender Frank de Boer had been linked with the vacancy at Newcastle by various press outlets but de Boer's agent, Guido Albers, told BBC Sport that the ex-Ajax and Barcelona defender would not leave his current position as Ajax manager during the season. 'Frank will never leave in the middle of the season,' said Albers, who insisted there had been no approach for the forty four-year-old from the Tyneside club. 'Lots of clubs have approached Frank in the past but he has always insisted that he would not leave Ajax before the end of the season. But after the season is over? Anything is possible. Frank has so much experience, especially with developing young players. He has a vision. He will be good for the Premier League.' For Palace and Stoke boss Tony Pulis, Hull City's 'professional' Geordie' Steve Bruce and Fabricio Coloccini have also been attracting interest on the betting markets, with the Independent claiming an 'exclusive' for their report of a possible player-manager role for the club's captain, Coloccini. Though, the Evening Chronicle had their own exclusive in claiming this report was, in fact, bollocks.

Of course, those behind the the sackpardew.com website are, no doubt, properly delighted by the turn of events over the last couple of days. To which one can, merely, note the old adage that one should always be careful what they wish for, because it might just come true.

And so we come to the final Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day for 2014, dear blog reader. Here's to 2015 and another year in which television continues to strive to be the art form that it can be rather than the business of compromise which is so often is. And, to take us there, here's half an hour of Orbital.

The BBC has confirmed that Monday 5 January officially marks the start of principal photography on the new, ninth, series of Doctor Who, which will see the return of yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self. Jenna's inclusion in the new episodes was only revealed to viewers in the festive special, Last Christmas, after months of uncertainty and crass speculation, mostly created by a series of contradictory stories in the Daily Mirra, as to whether she would return or not. Very little is known about the next series of episodes except that the first is called The Magician's Apprentice.
Peter Capaldi has failed to make the shortlist for top drama performance at the National Television Awards – the first time that the lead of Doctor Who has been snubbed by the awards since the BBC's popular family SF drama was revived in 2005. Capaldi’s predecessors Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant and Matt Smith all triumphed for their role as The Doctor at ITV's annual awards. Instead, this year's contenders are Sherlock's Benedict Cumberbatch and Happy Valley's Sarah Lancashire, while Sheridan Smith for her lead role in ITV's Cilla and Dame Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey complete the list. Doctor Who does not miss out entirely, lining up against Sherlock, Downton Abbey and Cilla for the best drama award. Capaldi has just completed his first full season as the Doctor, having taken over from Smith, who twice won the top acting award at the NTAs, and was shortlisted on a further two occasions. Tennant won for four years consecutively and Eccleston triumphed for his one year in the role.

Mrs Brown's Boys remained the most-watched Christmas Day show, according to consolidated and final data that includes catch-up viewings (but, not iPlayer figures). The BBC1 comedy reached 9.69 million viewers, up from a live Christmas Day overnight audience of 7.61 million. Call The Midwife was the second most popular show, attracting 9.4 million. Viewing figures were, generally, down on last year, with nearly two million less people watching the number one rated show. Irish-based sitcom Mrs Brown's Boys, starring Brendan O'Carroll, also topped the Christmas Day ratings last year, but the number of overall viewers dropped from the 11.5 million punters it attracted then. The Queen's Christmas Message fell to seventh position with a total of 8.04 million viewers across both the BBC and ITV. BBC1 had seven of the top ten most watched programmes while ITV had three. Strictly Come Dancing's Christmas special, which saw gymnast Louis Smith scoop the champion title for a second time, attracted 8.98 million viewers, putting it in third position. Sitcom Miranda was in fourth position with 8.65 million viewers and an audience share of thirty per cent. Reflecting the changing way in which we watch TV, three programmes boosted their audience by more than two million viewers in the seven days after the original broadcast – Mrs Brown’s Boys, Call The Midwife and Strictly Come Dancing, which both jumped ahead of EastEnders in the consolidated top ten. Soaps proved less popular to watch after the original broadcast, with EastEnders watched by an additional 1.2 million viewers above its live audience in the subsequent seven days. Doctor Who - which also had a timeshift of a fraction under two million viewers - was in sixth position with 8.28 million viewers, a thirty one per cent audience share. ITV's highest rating Christmas Day show was for Coronation Street with 6.65 million viewers tuning-in, ahead of Downton Abbey and Emmerdale. However, even the consolidated viewing figures do not give a complete figure, not including video on-demand viewing on devices such as the BBC's iPlayer, which is expected to publish festive viewing figures next week.

Mrs Brown's Boys is expected to broadcast Christmas specials for the next five years. Brendan O'Carroll told the Mirra that shows for 2015 and 2016 are already planned, with a further three anticipated. He said: 'I have been commissioned to write another two Christmas specials and the BBC are expecting Christmas specials up until 2020. I am lucky enough I can grow into the part and so that is nice. The Christmas special was quite naughty, but it was good fun to do.' O'Carroll also addressed rumours that the popular show would be coming to an end any time soon. He insisted: 'There is absolutely no truth in the story I am not writing any more Mrs Brown's Boys. I would be very disappointed if that were the case, because that is the kind of fool I am. I work for twenty years to make something and as soon as it's successful then I stop. My son Danny did an interview for a newspaper and it was a charity event at Donegal – as part of the interview to promote the event, the journalist asked what is happening with Mrs Brown's Boys and he went, "Oh, we have finished." But what he meant is that we'd just finished filming the Christmas special.'

And, as if by magic, here are the complete final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty One programmes for the week-ending Sunday 28 December 2014:-
1 Mrs Brown's Boys - Thurs BBC1 - 9.69m
2 Call The Midwife - Thurs BBC1 - 9.41m
3 Strictly Come Dancing - Thurs BBC1 - 8.98m
4 Miranda - Thurs BBC1 - 8.65m
5 EastEnders - Thurs BBC1 - 8.60m
6= Doctor Who - Thurs BBC1 - 8.28m
6= Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.28m
8 Last Tango In Halifax - Sun BBC1 - 7.41m
9 Top Gear Patagonia Special - Sun BBC2 - 7.38m
10 Still Open All Hours - Sun BBC1 - 7.32m
11 Downton Abbey - Thurs ITV - 7.24m
12 Film: Skyfall - Wed ITV - 7.15m
13 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.74m
14 The Boy In The Dress - Fri BBC1 - 6.31m
15 Film: Avengers Assemble - Fri BBC1 - 6.04m
16 The Queen's Christmas Message - Thurs BBC1 - 5.97m
17 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.84m
18 Six O'Clock News - MonBBC1 - 5.78m
19 Film: Puss In Boots - Thurs BBc1 - 5.45m
20 Ten O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.32m
21 Michael McIntyre's Very Christmassy Christmas - Thurs BBC1 - 5.24m
These figures do not include iPlayer viewers. As usual, BBC1 utterly dominated Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Indeed, aside from Corrie, Downton Abbey and Emmerdale, the only ITV programme to pull in a consolidated audience of more than four million viewers during the entire week was the return of the awful Birds Of A Feather on Boxing Day, And, even that had a much reduced audience (4.57m) from the sort of figures it was pulling in last year. Which does, rather, restore ones faith in the general public. As does the fact that Top Gear's much talked-about two-part South American excursion drew 7.21m viewers for its first episode, on Saturday, and 7.38m for the second part - with all the rock-throwing and people getting stroppy and discombobulated - on Sunday. Quite a considerable coup for the production, that, and a jolly nasty blow to various pond scum lice filth at the Daily Mirra and the Gruniad Morning Star and the Daily Scum Mail who had spent the previous couple of months publishing as much bad publicity about Clarkson and chums as they could manage to find, had handed to them by Copper's Narks or, indeed, had simply created themselves out of thin air. Mind you, one does rather wonder how many of that seven million plus audience were professional offence takers who had turned up specifically looking for something to whinge, loudly, about. Time will tell, one imagines. It usually does. BBC2's highest-rated programme of the week apart from Top Gear was the finale of the current series of MasterChef: The Professionals with a very impressive 4.04 million (again, remember that's more than anything which ITV managed apart from the four programmes mentioned above). Next came Christmas University Challenge with 2.89 million and the return of the about-as-funny-as-a-kick-in-the-knackers The Wrong Mans with 2.82 million. Which really does reduce ones faith in the general public. Next came The Day We Sang which drew 2.57 million, followed by That Awful Wood Woman's Midlife Christmas (2.44m), The Choir: New Military Wives (2.16m), Morecambe & Wise In Pieces (2.14m), Mock The Week (2.05m) and Julie Walters: A Life On Screen (2.03m). Big Fat Quiz Of The Year was Channel Four's most watched broadcast with 3.12m, followed by Gogglebox (2.79m), Homeland (2.26m) and Eight Out Of Ten Cats Christmas Special (2.07m). Channel Five's top-rated shows were The Haunting Of Radcliffe House (1.69m) and Michael Buble's Christmas (1.36m). Midsomer Murders was ITV3's most-watched programme with eight hundred and seventy one thousand viewers. The film Whisky Galore! drew BBC4's largest audience of the week (six hundred and ninety nine thousand), with Inspector Montalbano being watched by six hundred and sixty thousand. On Sky1, The Flash had an audience of 1.11m. A repeat of Top Gear on Dave was watched by four hundred and twenty three thousand. The Universal Channel's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit attracted one hundred and sixteen thousand. A number of channels, including Sky Living and FOX, appear not to have submitted any figures for the week. Both ITV2 and BBC3's best-of lists were topped by movie - Despicable Me (1.50m) and Shrek 2 (1.30m) respectively. Sky Movie Premiere's first showing of Frozen on Christmas Day was watched by 1.23m.

From final and consolidated ratings, to overnights. More than twelve million punters tuned in to watch BBC1's New Year's Eve Fireworks. Broadcast from 11.55pm on 31 December until 12.10am the following day, the fireworks display was seen by 12.32 million people, representing a 63.3 per cent share of the available audience. Queen & Adam Lambert Rock Big Ben Live was seen by an average audience of 5.83 million from 11.15pm on BBC1, while ten million viewers watched as the concert resumed at 12.10am. Earlier in the evening, BBC1's showing of Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was seen by 3.77 million from 7pm, followed by 2.24 million for the final episode of Mapp & Lucia's first series at 9pm. With guests including Liam Neeson, Anna Kendrick and the king of the mods, yer actual Sir Bradley Wiggins, The Graham Norton Show attracted 4.65 million from 10.15pm. On BBC2, Tigers About the House: What Happened Next drew an average audience of 1.49 million, Christmas University Challenge was seen by 2.01 million, The Help attracted 1.53 million and Mock The Week New Year's Eve Special drew 1.06 million. Jools' Annual Hootenanny 2014 saw in the New Year with 2.61 million from 11.20pm. Elsewhere, 2.54 million watched Rita & Me on what was, all things considered, a thoroughly rotten night for ITV, 2.25 million tuned in for A Funny Old Year 2014 and eight hundred and sixty thousand punters watched a repeat of Tommy Cooper: Not Like That, Like This. Starting at 9pm, Channel Four's Alan Carr's New Year Specstacular was viewed by an average audience of 1.53 million over the course of two and a quarter hours. World's Strongest Man was Channel Five's highest-rated show of the evening, picking up nine hundred and twenty one thousand from 8pm. It was sandwiched between Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away with five hundred and seven thousand and Britain's Favourite Sitcoms with five hundred and thirty thousand. BBC3's 7pm showing of Puss In Boots was among the most-viewed multichannel shows, drawing an average audience of eight hundred and fifty seven thousand.

BBC1 also dominated the schedules on New Year's Day with Mrs Brown's Boys and the Miranda finale each attracting over seven million viewers either side of an explosive episode of EastEnders. Miranda bowed out with more than seven million punters - and a wedding - but could not quite match either its Christmas ratings of two years ago or the second festive episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys. Miranda, in which the eponymous heroine finally married her long-term boyfriend Gary, was watched by 7.27 million viewers from 8pm. It was a big night for BBC1, which also had 6.47 million viewers for its ninety-minute Roald Dahl adaptation Esio Trot, starring Judi Dench, Dustin Hoffman and horrible, unfunny waste-of-space James Corden from 6.30pm. Neither could match the 7.3 million punters who watched the second part of the Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas special at 9.35pm, or the 8.53 million who watched EastEnders at 8.30pm. After the news, 3.91m watched Moscow Chelski FC implode to a 5-3 defeat to Stottingtot Hotshot on Match Of The Day from 10.45pm. The programme also features yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable and, currently, managerless) Magpies three times surrender a lead to Burnley like a bunch of useless planks. The final episode of Miranda was more than two million overnight viewers down on the 9.5 million who watched the opening episode of its third series on Boxing Day two years ago, understood to be the largest overnight audience achieved by the popular sitcom. Miranda began life on BBC2 in 2009 before switching to BBC1 in 2012. Hart revealed earlier this year that the sitcom would not return for a fourth series. Elsewhere on New Year’s Day, BBC2, ITV and Channel Four went head-to-head with a trio of free-to-air movie premières. ITV had 2.56 million viewers for Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight from 9pm, ahead of the 2.40 million who watched the rather more genteel Quartet, the comedy starring Maggie Smith and Tom Courtenay, on BBC2 from 9pm. Channel Four's Kristen Stewart movie, Snow White & The Huntsman, had 2.5 million viewers from 8pm. Over on ITV, 3.49m watched a new episode of the thoroughly wretched Birds Of A Feather at 8.30pm. a drop of six hundred thousand from the overnight figure for the previous episode. Which, in and of itself, is far funnier than anything in the programmes. On BBC2, 1.28m watched Tigers About The House at 7.30pm and University Challenge at 8.30pm had an audience of 2.40m. Following the movie, 1.30m watched Julie Walters: A Life at 10.30pm. Channel Four's movie-dominated evening started with Sister Act scoring 1.56m at 6.15pm. An episode of Rude Tube at 10.30pm attracted six hundred and seventy thousand . White Dee: What's All The Fuss About? was Channel Five's top rated show of the night with six hundred thousand punters at 9.30pm. The top multichannel show of the day was Premier League football on Sky Sports attracting 1.24 million from 12.30pm. Sky 1's latest David Attenborough series, Conquest Of The Skies, featuring the unlikely attractions of the descendants of the dragonfly, the Atlas beetle and the blow fly, began its three-part run with three hundred and eighteen thousand viewers from 7pm.

Benidorm was Friday's highest-rated show outside of soaps, peaking with 5.61 million viewers. The first episode of Benidorm's seventh series was seen by an average overnight audience of 5.38 million from 9pm on ITV. In the same time slot on BBC1, The Musketeers returned to an average audience of 3.64 million. The swashbuckling drama series was preceded by Room 101, which was seen by 3.4 million at 8.30pm. Celebrity Mastermind kicked BBC1's evening off with 4.37 million at 7pm, followed by 3.71 million for A Question of Sport: FA Cup Special at 7.30pm. Live At The Apollo rounded things off with 1.71 million at 10.35pm. Back on ITV, The Martin Lewis Money Show was seen by 2.88 million, while Darcy Oake: Edge of Reality attracted 1.28 million viewers at 10.15pm. The regular version of Mastermind was BBC2's most popular programme, reeling in 2.34 million viewers at 8pm. It was sandwiched between episodes of University Challenge with 2.27 million at 7.30pm and Food And Drink with 1.51 million at 8.30pm. The Big Allotment Challenge followed with 1.48 million at 9pm, while a fine episode of Qi featuring Danny Baker and Jezza Clarkson and Rik Mayall: Lord Of Misrule attracted 1.49 million and nine hundred and eighty thousand viewers, respectively. Channel Four's schedule was dominated by The Big Fat Anniversary Quiz, which was shown from 9pm until 11.05pm and drew an average audience of 2.01 million. Elsewhere on Channel Four, Jamie and Jimmy's Friday Night Feast was seen by 1.27 million at 8pm, while The Last Leg Of The Year attracted 1.06 million at 11.05pm. Forrest Gump was watched by nine hundred and forty seven thousand viewers on Channel Five at 9pm, while seven hundred and ninety nine thousand tuned in to Ice Road Truckers at 8pm.

Wretched, horrible, worthless, stinking, maggoty, vile Take Me Out returned to a piss-poor average overnight audience of 2.97 million on ITV on Saturday. Which was funny. Far funnier, in fact, than anything in the show itself. The mindless, numskull dating show, presented by gormless professional Northern berk Paddy McGuinness, returned for its seventh season attracting a thirteen per cent audience share - who should all be sodding well ashamed of themselves - from 8.30pm. It was followed by The Hangover, which entertained 2.36 million viewers from 9.30pm. Despite drawing criticism from many viewers for being as rancid as a pile of stinking diarrhoea with flies buzzing around it, Frank Sinatra: Our Way managed to get an average audience of 4.16 million on BBC1 at 7pm. The - mercifully one-off - singing competition began the hour with 4.49 million viewers and ended with 4.05 million. The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List followed with 4.11 million, while Casualty secured an evening high of 4.44 million at 9.05pm. BBC1's evening continued with 3.39 million for a Mrs Brown's Boys repeat at 10.15pm and 2.71 million for Match Of The Day: FA Cup Highlights at 10.50pm. Dad's Army was BBC2's highest-rated show of the evening, securing 1.82 million viewers from 7.30pm. It was sandwiched between Sacred Wonders Of Britain with 1.14 million and Rubens: An Extra Large Story with eight hundred and eighty thousand. BBC2's broadcast of Albert Nobbs ended the evening with a million viewers at 9pm. On Channel Four, Britain's Wildest Weather 2014 was seen by 1.17 million at 7.30pm, while Taken drew 1.56 million at 9pm. Elsewhere, Zulu and Most Shocking Celebrity Moments 2014 secured respective figures of seven hundred and nineteen thousand and seven hundred and sixty eight thousand for Channel Five from 6.20pm. A Midsomer Murders repeat was among the most popular multichannel shows, attracting 1.02 million from 8pm.

Still Open All Hours remained on top of the Sunday overnight ratings. The BBC1 comedy dipped by around two hundred and fifty thousand viewers from the previous week's episode to an average 6.12 million at 7.30pm. Earlier, live FA Cup coverage of the match a'tween The Arse and Hull City scored 5.48m at 5.30pm, while Countryfile appealed to 5.16m at 8pm. Last Tango In Halifax's audience dropped by around four hundred thousand week-on-week to 5.28m at 9pm. On BBC2, a Top Gear repeat brought in 1.52m at 7pm, followed by Kate Humble's Into the Volcano with 1.51m at 8pm. Racing Legends, a last-minute replacement for the cancelled documentary about the Royal Family interested 1.10m at 9pm, while Qi XL was watched by 1.12m at 10pm. Earlier, Ski Sunday was back on BBC2 with 1.1 million viewers from 4.45pm. ITV's Diversity Live could only manage 2.77m at 7pm. Foyle's War returned for a new - ninth - series with 4.70m at 8pm. On Channel Four, Phil Spencer: Secret Agent attracted 1.32m at 7pm, followed by The Hotel with 1.60m at 8pm. Walking The Nile drew 1.79m at 10pm. Channel Five's broadcast of Rush Hour attracted 1.01m at 7.15pm. The House At The End Of The Street was also watched by 1.01m at 9pm. Gary Anderson's World Darts Championship triumph over Phil Taylor was the top draw away from the five terrestrial channels, peaking with more than 1.5 million viewers for the live simulcast across Sky Sports Darts (as Sky Sports 2 has been rebranded for the competition) and Sky Sports 1. In the quarter hour from 10.30pm, as Anderson closed in on victory, live coverage averaged one million viewers on Sky Sports Darts, with another five hundred and sixty seven thousand punters on Sky Sports 1. During most of the 10pm hour slot, Sky's darts coverage across both channels was more popular than programming on any other network apart from BBC1, with BBC News (5.6 million) and Match Of The Day: FA Cup Highlights (two million).

David Tennant and Olivia Colman's much anticipated return to ITV in Broadchurch was watched by more than seven million overnight viewers on Monday, nearly a million more overnight viewers than watched the first series debut episode in 2013. The launch of the hit ITV drama's second series had 7.25 million overnight viewers, a thirty per cent share of the available audience from 9pm. Shrouded in secrecy with cast and crew forbidden to reveal more than skeleton details of the plot (see below), the drama improved on the overnight audience of 6.15 million viewers for its original series' first episode on 4 March 2013. The first series ended with an overnight of 8.71 million for its finale on 22 April, buoyed by widespread critical acclaim. With new cast members including Charlotte Rampling, Marianne-Jean Baptiste and Eve Myles, its return was given a warm welcome by critics. Written and created by Chris Chibnall, Broadchurch's return was revealed at the climax to the first series, but long production times and the busy diaries of its two leads meant ITV had to wait almost two years for it to come back. The broadcaster will welcome the ratings boost after it suffered the most marked audience decline of all the five terrestrial broadcasters in 2014. Broadchurch's return fared well, despite being up against live FA Cup football on BBC1. Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws’s third round 2-1 win over AFC Wimbledon averaged 5.58 million viewers across two and a half hours of coverage from 7.30pm. BBC1's school drama Waterloo Road, back for its final run after a short mid-season break, was shunted back to 10.35pm to make way for the football and paid the price with just 1.1 million viewers. On BBC2, University Challenge drew 2.60m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 2.05m at 8.30pm. Rich, Russian & Living In London brought in 1.31m at 9pm, while odious, worthless, lanky streak of piss Jack Whitehall's Backchat returned on its new channel with nine hundred and seventy nine thousand at 10pm. Which is nine hundred and seventy nine thousand too many, frankly. Channel Four's The Undateables returned for a fourth series with 1.90 million viewers at 9pm. It beat Channel Five's delightfully sickBenefits: Too Fat To Work, the first of a four-part series which had 1.47 million viewers also from 9pm. It was part of a really classy Channel Five line-up that also included a repeat of Seventy Stone Man: The Last Days (eight hundred and ninety two thousand) and, later, Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away. This, dear blog reader, is somebody's idea of 'entertainment' in the Twenty First Century. The Undateables was followed by another new Channel Four series, Bodyshockers: Nips, Tucks & Tattoos, which began with 1.53 million viewers. In a night of new series, ITV's Richard Wilson On The Road began with 3.91 million viewers at 8pm. Earlier on ITV, Fat Pets: Slimmer Of The Year, began with 1.1 million viewers at 4pm.

BBC America have revealed that Doctor Who had its highest ever rated season on the channel, finishing with the recent Christmas Special which delivered an audience of over 2.3 million viewers and was the number one non-sports telecast in all of US cable broadcasting during the time period among adults in the important twenty five to fifty four demographic. Last Christmas, had a total of 2.62 million viewers in Live+3 (i.e. viewers who either watched the episode live or recorded it and watched it within three days of initial transmission) when combining the 9:00pm Christmas Day premiere with the 11:45pm and 2:30am repeats. Peter Capaldi's first Christmas special had more than double the viewership of Matt Smith's initial Christmas special, A Christmas Carol in 2010. BBC America was the number one network on Twitter and Tumblr and Doctor Who: Last Christmas was the top rated show on both platforms in all of television during Primetime (excluding sports) on 25 December. Capaldi's first season as The Doctor delivered BBC America its highest rated season ever with an average of 2.04 million total viewers in Live+3 across the entire series.

And finally on the subject of ratings, here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Seventeen programmes for week-ending Sunday 21 December 2014 were as follows:-
1 Strictly Come Dancing - Sat BBC1 - 11.67m
2 The Missing - Tues BBC1 - 8.36m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.70m
4 The Apprentice: You're Hired - Sun BBC1 - 7.22m
5 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 6.43m
6 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.79m
7= Atlantis - Sat BBC1 - 5.69m
7= Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.69m
9 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 5.58m
10 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.53m
11 Ten O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 5.42m
12= The National Lottery: Saturday Draws - Sat BBC1 - 4.43m
12= Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.43m
14 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 4.40m
15 The ONE Show - Thurs BBC1 - 4.30m
16 Celebrity Mastermind - Sun BBC1 - 4.29m
17 Match Of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 4.00m
Regular dear blog readers (and not 'dead blog readers' as this blogger originally wrote. Thanks Ben for being a penickety bugger!) will probably notice something of an obvious anomaly here. For reasons as yet unknown ITV did not provide BARB with any ratings figures for the week in question meaning that the above list is, by necessity, incomplete. ITV HD figures (which were provided suggest that both Coronation Street and Emmerdale would, as usual, have featured strongly in the top five had their figures been posted. Strictly Come Dancing's final results episode later on Saturday drew 11.62 million. The final of The Apprentice was watched by 7.17 million. BBC2's highest rated programmes of the week were the final episode of The Fall with 3.60 million, MasterChef: The Professionals with 3.49 million and The Apprentice: You're Fired with 3.06 million. The Great British Bake Off Masterclass drew 3.03 million, followed by University Challenge (three million), Only Connect (2.56m), The Choir: New Military Wives (2.53m), Dad's Army (2.44m), Mary Berry's Absolute Christmas Favourites (2.43m) and Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two (2.10m). Rik Mayall: Lord Of Misrule was watched by 1.65m and Qi by 1.38m. The film Men In Black 3 was Channel Four's most watched broadcast with 3.70m, followed by Gogglebox (3.45m), Steph & Dom Meet Nigel Farage (2.86m) and Twenty Four Hours In A&E (2.46m). Channel Five, like iTV, seemingly couldn't be bothered to send their ratings figures in. Lewis was ITV3's most-watched programme with nine hundred and two thousand viewers. Castles: Britain's Fortified History drew BBC4's largest audience of the week (five hundred and seventy one thousand), with Sammy Davis Jr: The Kid In The Middle being watched by five hundred and sixty five thousand. Sky Living's Criminal Minds had eight hundred and fifty one thousand. On FOX, American Horror Story was watched by two hundred and thirty four thousand. A repeat of Top Gear produced BBC3's largest audience of the week (eight hundred and ninety two thousand thousand). On Sky1, The Flash was watched by 1.50m. Storage Hunters on Dave had an audience of three hundred and sixty nine thousand. The Universal Channel's Sleepy Hollow attracted three hundred and fifty thousand.

Yer actual David Tennant is now a master of keeping secrets, according to the former national heartthrob his very self. Between previous acting gigs and his return to ITV's Broadchurch, he's had to learn to be - but even he admits that it's been 'very difficult' maintaining the shroud of secrecy surrounding the second series of Chris Chibnall's BAFTA-winning ITV crime drama. 'But that's the nature of a thriller,' he submits. 'It's more thrilling when you don't know what's coming next. There's certain things that we are desperate to try and conceal - certain plot points that we are working very hard to keep under wraps. I think we're holding the line pretty well - we've announced everything we had to announce, in terms of returning characters who would be seen out in the open, and everything else has been sort of held back.'
Meanwhile, Arthur Darvill has said that none of the Broadchurch cast have been allowed to watch the upcoming second series ahead of broadcast. The actor, who reprises his role as Reverend Paul Coates in the crime drama, revealed on Good Morning Britain that secrecy surrounding the series is 'so important' that the actors have not been able to see the new episodes in full. 'I haven't seen it. None of us have seen it. We're not allowed to see any of it,' he said. 'I've seen little bits of it for doing ADR, but not a whole episode. From the little tiny nuggets I've seen it looks amazing. There's so many of us in it that we all concentrate on our own little bits, so I can't wait to see everyone else in it.' After confirming that the second series will feature many of the same characters as the first, Arty reflected on the huge reaction which last year's series of Broadchurch provoked. 'It went so massive,' he said. 'It's such a heart-wrenching, brilliant, upsetting story. Chris Chibnall has also written the second series so it has all of those elements. There will be a lot of surprises for people.' The actor, who is also known for his role in Doctor Who as Rory Williams, added that although he often worries that he will accidentally reveal plot secrets, he is used to working on jobs where secrecy is vital. 'I'm really good at giving away the secrets. But, I'm so used to it. I always get jobs where I'm not allowed to talk about it and end up being good at talking about nothing for quite a long time.'
A few, quick, scheduling notes for you now, dear blog reader. The 'missing'Qi XL episode - Ladies & Gents - originally slated for early December but cancelled because of the sodding snooker, will now be shown on BBC2 on Sunday 5 April according to the Qi Elves Twitter feed. Additionally, there are three further episodes of series L to be broadcast in both normal and XL versions starting this weekend with Little & Large featuring guests Phill Jupitas, Ricard Osman and Lucy Porter. On a similar theme the one episode, as yet unbroadcast, of Would I Lie To You?'s eighth series - the one which features grumpy breakfast TV flop, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles making his first BBC TV appearance since he flounced off to ITV for masses of filthy wonga in 2010 - will be shown on Friday 8 January. So, if you're a licence fee payer, that'll be one worth avoiding. The fifth series of BBC4's superb French import Spiral (Engrenages) will begin on Saturday 10 January only two months after the thriller's French debut on Canal +. This series is twelve episodes long and will, as usual, by shown over six weeks on BBC4, two episodes per Saturday evening.
Media watchdog Ofcom has cleared the BBC of breaching broadcasting rules over an EastEnders rape storyline, which prompted some whinging from members of the public with, seemingly, nothing better to do with their time. The episode, shown in October, featured scenes from before and after the rape of Queen Vic landlady Linda Carter, played by Kellie Bright. More than ninety people whinged to Ofcom about the episode, while more than two hundred and fifty whinges were made to the BBC. Ofcom said that graphic content had been avoided and pre-episode warnings had been given to viewers. A spokesman for the regulator said: 'After carefully investigating complaints about this scene, Ofcom found the BBC took appropriate steps to limit offence to viewers. This included a warning before the episode and implying the assault, rather than depicting it. Ofcom also took into account the programme's role in presenting sometimes challenging or distressing social issues.' Responding to the original viewer whinges last year, the BBC said in a statement: 'At no point have there been any scenes of a graphic nature. In fact the attack on Linda was implied and not explicit. We have been extremely mindful of the content within the episode and the timeslot in which it was shown.' In an interview with the Radio Times published around the time the episode was broadcast, Bright was asked if she thought EastEnders should be tackling such an emotive issue before the watershed. She replied: 'Yes. EastEnders is a programme that is supposed to be reflective of real life and this issue is part of our society. Why shouldn't it be tackled? I think it's been done in a really sensitive way. It's out there so it's not going to be a shock to viewers and they have the option to make a decision not to watch it. It's a way to educate people.' It was not the first time EastEnders has featured a controversial rape storyline. In 2004, seven viewers whinged to the BBC about an episode which focused on the distress of Mo Slater (played by Kacey Ainsworth), after she was assaulted in the Queen Vic pub by a customer. Six whinges were received by Ofcom, which said it was 'concerned' at the content, 'given the mixed age ranges in the audience.' In 1988, Kathy Beale (played by Gillian Taylforth) was raped by James Willmott-Brown (William Boyde). Other soaps that have featured rape storylines include Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Hollyoaks.
BBC News and RT, the Kremlin-backed news channel, have both been cleared by Ofcom after complaints about their respective coverage of the shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17. The flight from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur was shot down over the conflict-hit region of Eastern Ukraine in July last year, claiming the lives of two hundred and eighty three passengers, including eighty children, and fifteen crew members. And, as previously noted, one passenger whom this blogger actually knew, albeit only slightly. One lone viewer complained to the media regulator after the BBC News channel broadcast a picture of a passenger's passport photo page as part of a sequence of still images showing debris from the crashed plane on 17 July, during live coverage on the day MH17 was shot down. The image was on screen for five seconds. Ofcom ruled that although that the image was capable of causing offence – which, on balance, was not justified by the context – as the BBC had apologised and acknowledged that the picture was unsuitable for broadcast, it considered the matter resolved. The complaint against RT, which was investigated and found by the watchdog to not breach broadcasting rules, centred on the use of graphic imagery of bodies at the crash site, also on 17 July. An Ofcom spokesman said: 'Having reviewed the evidence, Ofcom found the BBC took steps to limit any offence caused; including apologising and ensuring the image was not shown again in later reports. As a result we consider the matter resolved.' The regulator found RT had taken 'sufficient steps to limit the potential for offence', according to the Ofcom spokesman. 'This included pixelating graphic imagery and only broadcasting it after the watershed,' Ofcom said. London-based correspondent Sara Firth, who worked at RT for five years, resigned in protest over her employer's coverage of the immediate aftermath of the flight's shooting down. The offending BBC News channel image was aired at 5.40pm during a studio discussion concerning the number of casualties sustained by Ukrainian forces during the on-going conflict with separatist groups. During the discussion, the broadcaster started to show a sequence of still images labelled as: 'Breaking News: Ukraine Plane Crash. Eyewitnesses report seeing bodies next to plane.' Ofcom's concerns focused on a single still image in relative close-up of the photograph page of a victim's passport. The BBC noted in its submission to Ofcom that just before the broadcast it had learned that footage – including the passport grab – of the crash site, sourced 'off-air from a Russian TV station', was available. Because the material had already been edited and provided by a 'trusted agency provider', the BBC decided to 'take the material straight to air.' The BBC said that the images in the sequence were: not graphic, had 'clearly been prepared for broadcast' and, included 'one five-second shot of a passport in which the photograph of the person it belonged to was visible.' It added that the presenter had 'made it clear that the material was being shown for the first time.' The BBC went on to tell Ofcom that it 'immediately recognised that this image carried the potential for distress' following transmission and told its staff to ensure the image was not shown again. In deciding the matter was resolved, Ofcom said although the BBC had, strictly speaking, breached rule 2.3 of the broadcasting code in airing potentially offensive material that was not justified by the context, it had taken into account that broadcasters and audiences have a right to freedom of expression. Ofcom also said the MH17 report was 'clearly a matter of significant public interest.' Because the BBC apologised and took immediate steps to alert staff to the content to ensure it was not broadcast again, Ofcom said it considered this matter resolved. Sky News was heavily criticised by Ofcom in October for causing 'considerable offence' for broadcasting images of one of its presenters handling a passenger's belongings at the crash site. Ofcom received more than two hundred complaints after Colin Brazier was shown picking through an open suitcase in a live broadcast in July. As in the BBC News channel case, the regulator concluded that Sky News had breached rule 2.3 of the broadcasting code, but took into account factors including the apology by the broadcaster and Brazier and ruled that the matter was also resolved. 'Brazier handled two items belonging to a victim of the crash very briefly, and he appeared to almost immediately regret his actions and expressed this to viewers,' said Ofcom. 'Nonetheless in Ofcom’s view these actions were capable of causing considerable offence and this was not mitigated by an immediate broadcast apology. On balance we therefore considered that the offence was not justified by the context and rule 2.3 was breached.' Sky News said that reporting live from such 'difficult and traumatic events' means that difficult editorial decisions 'need to be made at speed and with conviction.' However, the broadcaster admitted that in this particular case it 'fell short of the high standards' to which it aspires. Sky News said that following the incident news teams have been reminded of the need to exercise sensitivity and 'to respect the dignity of all those involved in reporting such harrowing events.' Ofcom said that it 'recognised' the difficulty of reporting from such an 'emotionally charged' situation. The regulator also took into account that Sky News and Brazier issued an apology after the broadcast, and that Brazier went on to publish an article in the Gruniad Morning Star about his 'error of judgment.''Despite the offence caused in this case, Ofcom considered that this brief but significant lapse of judgement by a news reporter should not prevent broadcast journalists from reporting live on sensitive and challenging news stories,' said Ofcom. 'Taking all these factors into account, Ofcom considered the matter resolved.'

Stephen Fry has confirmed that he is to marry his partner, Elliott Spencer. The comedian, actor, broadcaster and writer has given formal notice to wed Spencer at a register office in Dereham, Norfolk, near where he grew up. Writing on Twitter after the Sun newspaper revealed the marriage plans, Stephen said: 'It looks as though a certain cat is out of a certain bag. I'm very very happy of course but had hoped for a private wedding. Fat chance!' Stephen, a director of Norwich City Football Club, has been a familiar face on television since the 1980s and is most recently best known for presenting the popular long-running comedy quiz show Qi, as well as for acting roles in The Hobbit and the latest series of 24. His personal assistant said: 'Stephen Fry is very happy and proud to say that he has set the wheels in motion for a wedding sometime in the future but no date has been set due to a busy work schedule.'

The future of Downton Abbey is decided 'year by year', the series creator Lord Snooty has confirmed. Lord Snooty told The Hollywood Reporter that the period drama's fate beyond its upcoming sixth series is 'uncertain', adding that he will know 'when it's going to be time to call it quits. It won't go on forever,' he said. Which proves that, ultimately, there probably is a God. 'I think one does have a sort of sense of when it's going to be time to call it quits and where they'll all be when that time comes. All I can tell you for definite is that there will be a sixth series, because we only ever renew by the year. So it's slightly different in Britain [than in America]. Americans tend to misinterpret that as if I were saying, "This is the end". I'm not saying that. I'm saying, "I don't know when the end will be, but I do know it won't go on for twenty years."'

The great Adam Hills ended 2014 and started 2015 in style with one of his finest ever Last Leg rants. His Dick Of The Week accolade is handed out to public figures who annoy or grate the comic and he saved an extra special rant for his Dick Of 2014 nomination - Katie Hopkins. Hills revealed that it was a tough decision, but opted to give the award to Hopkins over Rolf Harris, pointing out: 'Right now I can't decide whether you're a worse person than a convicted paedophile.'The Last Leg presenter - a particular favourite of this blogger - said he was 'loathe' to mention Hopkins because the odious woman feeds on attention, but branded her a 'professional shit-stirrer' for her comments about Palestinians, Muslims and fat people. With regard to her recent campaign against fat people, he said: 'I'm sick of women telling other women what men want them to look like. Because you know what, men aren't that fussy. All I ever looked for was someone who wanted to kiss me and have a favourite episode of The Simpsons.' In his concluding comments, Adam said: 'There is no point calling you a dick, because you know you're a dick. You trade on it. You're a dick for hire. And it's actually for this reason that I don't want people to vote for you. What I want you to know, Katie Hopkins, is that being a dick is not a good thing. You're not supposed to be proud of being the biggest bitch in Britain. Attention and love are not the same thing.' Word.
Derek Jacobi has praised Last Tango in Halifax for portraying older people in 'an exciting and fun way.' The actor, who has an on-screen relationship with Anne Reid in the drama, says that it is good the BBC1 DRAMA shows their characters 'in a lovely and sexual relationship.' Jacobi told the Radio Times: 'The great thing about Tango is that it's not just two people in their seventies meeting up again – it's two people in their seventies in a lovely and sexual relationship, really getting on in there. And nobody kind of turned a hair. It proved that old people can be as attractive and exciting and fun to be with as the kids.'
In the real-life equivalent of Cash In The Attic, the latest auction of memorabilia from the BBC's former home at Television Centre, including a giant Doctor Who canvas, has generated more than two hundred thousand knicker for the corporation's coffers. That's enough to pay for, ooo, three episodes of Pointless, at least. Among the items under the hammer were a collection of black-and-white David Bailey portraits of stars dating from the 1960s, including Paul McCartney and alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie John Lennon, Mick Jagger and Michael Caine, which went for one thousand two hundred and sixty four smackers. The slew of quirky collectable items included historical broadcast equipment, such as a vintage microphone embossed with the BBC logo which sold for eight hundred and sixty two quid, and items from Studio Eight, where Fawlty Towers and Monty Python's Flying Circus among many other series were filmed. One of the studio's clocks sold for seven hundred and eighty notes, while the Studio Eight sign itself, which hung above the door, was bought for four hundred and seventy eight quid. An original 'flesh-tone' test card sold for twelve hundred and fifty knicker from among the two thousand one hundred and eighty five lots in the online auction. The BBC said that buyers from the UK, Europe and the US were involved in the auction, which also included a signed Strictly Come Dancing photograph from the 2008 series and a giant Doctor Who canvas featuring yer actual Matt Smith which sold for one hundred and forty five quid. But, it was the items of industrial kit that raised the majority of the money. One bidder paid sixteen grand for a generator, the BBC said. The BBC's director of commercial projects, Chris Kane, said that the auction marked the end of one chapter of the BBC's relationship with the West London building, where the BBC's commercial arm, BBC Worldwide, and BBC Studios and Post Production will return in the near future. To date, the BBC has made around six hundred thousand smackers from selling off a variety of Television Centre items with more sales planned. Previous auction items have included the entire Blue Peter studio, a desk used by Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight and the head of the robot Kryten from Red Dwarf.

A Channel Four 'comedy' - it says here - based on the Irish potato famine has 'caused outrage' according to the Digital Spy website. Actually, it's caused one local politician to get himself quoted in an Irish national newspaper. Whether that, in and of itself, constitutes 'outrage' is somewhat debatable. Hungry has been created by Dublin-based writer Hugh Travers, who compares the comedy to Shameless. Dublin councillor David McGuinness told the Irish Independent: 'Jewish people would never endorse making a comedy of the mass extermination of their ancestors at the hands of the Nazis, Cambodians would never support people laughing at what happened to their people at the hands of the Khmer Rouge and the people of Somalia, Ethiopia or Sudan would never accept the plight of their people, through generational famine, being the source of humour in Britain.'Travers defended the sitcom in an interview with the Irish Times, saying: 'I don't want to do anything that denies the suffering that people went through, but Ireland has always been good at black humour.' Which is, of course, very true. The Mirra reports that Channel Four confirmed it had ordered a script for the show, but that it is still in the 'development process' with no firm plans for a broadcast date at this stage. The Great Famine lasted in Ireland from 1846 until 1852 killing, it is estimated, one-eighth of the entire population of the country and sparking the mass emigration of a million people, mainly to the UK and America - including at least four of this blogger's direct ancestors on both sides of his family. Whether that is a suitable subject for comedy, per se, is a valid question worthy of debate.
It was probably not the publicity the BBC would have been hoping to get for The Voice when one of the show's star judges, Sir Tom Jones, said that the talent on its latest series was 'shit.' The Welsh singing legend and one of the show's four coaches made the comment on Monday at the launch of the fourth series of the singing contest, which begins on BBC1 on Saturday. 'It just slipped out,' claimed Jones. 'I hope it wasn't a Freudian slip.' Jones later clarified the comments in the hope of avoiding a PR disaster for the show. 'I have got to clear something up,' he said. 'When I said what's the talent like this year and I said "shit", it was a joke – and I like to joke. And then I said "I hope it's not a Freudian slip", well that was a joke on top of a joke. So it was not a Freudian slip.' Clear? Jones' fellow judge Will.he.is added: 'I thought you said it was the shit.'

Sir Paul McCartney has called popular music courses focusing on The Be-Atles ridiculous. 'We never studied anything, we just loved our popular music,' he said. The Be-Atles, incidentally, were a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them. 'I think for us, we'd have felt it would have ruined it to study it.' The musician made the comments while taking part in a Q&A session on his website. However, Sir Paul conceded that classes incorporating The Beatles' music were 'kind of a cool idea' and 'very flattering. To be told - as I was years ago now - that The Beatles were in my kid's history books? That was like "What?! Unbelievable, man!"' he said. The seventy two-year-old added that great musicians could not be created in the classroom. 'It may be that you use [pop music courses] to teach other people about the history, that's all valuable,' he said. 'But to think that you can go to a college and come out like Bob Dylan? Someone like Bob Dylan, you can't make.' Sir Paul co-founded the Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts in 1996. Based in the musician's old school, the Liverpool Institute High School for Boys, it offers degree courses in music, alongside drama and dance. 'It was an early decision when we were thinking of our policies for LIPA, we said: "We want to train people to be all-rounders,"' he said. 'Give them as much info as we can. But you can't tell them how to become a Bob Dylan or a John Lennon because nobody knows how that happens.' Answering another question on the current state of the music industry, Macca said that he did not think modern technology resulted in better records. 'We would record four tracks in a day - which is unheard of now - and those four tracks still sell more than most contemporary records. So obviously the system was pretty good. It was very simple, you had to just be very disciplined. We knew we had to play great,' he said. 'Whereas now you go: "We'll do another take or we'll get it in the mix, we'll just take that bum note out, we'll stick it on Pro-Tools, we'll fix it." But it gives you, I think, too many options. It's great, it's very luxurious, but I don't think it helps the process.'

The Prime Minister David Cameron apparently spent New Year's Eve 'dad dancing' and 'sipping on red wine' at a party held by knobcheese maker Alex James. A report in the Sun claims that the Conservative party leader 'let his hair down' at the 'old school disco-style' party and that he was almost persuaded to take part in karaoke. Just one more reason never to buy another Blur record, one could note.

A warrant has been extremely issued for the arrest of Kidulthood actor Adam Deacon after he failed to appear in court in London to answer a charge of harassment. The thirty one-year-old is accused of posting abusive and threatening messages on social media relating to former Doctor Who actor Noel Clarke, the writer of Kidulthood and the director of its sequel, Adulthood. Deacon was due to appear on Monday at a magistrates' court in West London. Deacon, from Bethnal Green, is accused of one count of harassment without violence between 5 March and 19 December last year. The actor and rapper played firearms officer Robbie in Channel Four's police drama Babylon and appeared in Kidulthood and Adulthood alongside Clarke. Deacon went on to co-direct and star in the 2011 British urban comedy Anuvahood.

The TV, film and stage actor Bernard Kay has died at the age of eighty six. In an extremely wide-ranging TV career, Bernard's CV included two roles on Coronation Street (as the villainous Jim Foster and later as Clive Phillips) and on Doctor Who (in four roles over eight years, most famously a dignified turn as a gallant but war-weary Saladin in the 1965 four-part serial The Crusade). Other TV appearances included Emmerdale Farm and Doctors while his most prominent movie part was as a Bolshevik leader in 1965's Doctor Zhivago. A versatile and intelligent character actor of the kind that Britain used to produce by the dozen, Beranrd brought a sense of gravitas and often – despite his imposing frame – a splash of vulnerability to more than one hundred roles in television drama during the course of a sixty-year career. Born in Bolton, Bernard's father Billy was a reporter for the Yorkshire Post who tragically spent his final years in an asylum and died when Bernard was twelve. His mother, Edith, also died when he was an infant, apparently having taken her own life. Bernard's care was shared between his grandparents and the strict regime at Chetham's school in Manchester, where, as he put it: 'I had Christianity beaten into me.' Bernard began his working life following in his father's footsteps as a cub reporter on Bolton Evening News, and a stringer for the Gruniad Morning Star. He claimed that he decided journalism was not for him when he witnessed a colleague breaking into the house of a recently deceased serviceman and stealing a photograph while the man's grieving father spoke to reporters outside. Bernard was conscripted for National Service in 1946 and started acting whilst in the army. Gaining a scholarship to study at the Old Vic Theatre School, he became a professional in 1950 as a member of the company which reopened the Old Vic after the Second World War. In 1952 during at spell at the Nottingham Rep, while rehearsing as Banquo, due to the lead suddenly falling ill Bernard learned, rehearsed and played the eponymous lead in Macbeth in less than twenty four hours. He felt that his strengths lay on the smaller screen and many leading TV directors (including Douglas Camfield and Richard Martin) appreciated his skill and professionalism, often casting him in their productions. He played prominent roles in the BBC's 1967 production of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe (as Aslan), A Very British Coup (1988), Bomber Harris (1989, opposite John Thaw), The Kremlin, Farewell (as Stalin, 1990) and Russell Davies' classic BBC children's serial Century Falls (1993). In 1961 Bernard was given six weeks' paid leave and told to 'keep a low profile' by the producers of Coronation Street after the angry public response to his character killing of Ida Barlow. Though he appeared in several episodes of Z-Cars (including the very first in 1962), he turned down the offer of a regular role and guested in, among many other series, The Avengers, South Riding, Dick Barton Special Agent, The Champions, Juliet Bravo, The Cellar & The Almond Tree, The Professionals, Clayhanger, Jonathan Creek, Casualty and its subsequent spin-off Casualty 1909 and Foyle's War. He portrayed Captain Stanley Lord of the SS Californian in the BBC dramatisation Trial By Inquiry: Titanic in 1967 and he the bandit leader Cordova in the Zorro episode Alejandro Rides Again in 1991 which was filmed in Madrid. His touching performance as Korporal Hartwig in an acclaimed episode of Colditz (1972) as a German corporal charged with checking the validity of prisoner Michael Bryant's claim for repatriation on the grounds of insanity was one of his proudest achievements. Bernard's film career kicked off with a small role in Carry On Sergeant, during which he acted opposite William Hartnell. They would work together again in Doctor Who, with Bernard appearing in two of the first Doctor's stories, as Tyler in the second Dalek adventure The Dalek Invasion Of Earth (1964), and a few months later in The Crusade. He later worked alongside Patrick Troughton in The Faceless Ones (1967) and Jon Pertwee in Colony In Space (1971). Other film roles included They Came From Beyond Space, The Shuttered Room, Matthew Hopkins - Witchfinder General, The Hunting Party, Sweeney!, Sinbad & The Eye of The Tiger, Pierrepoint and most recently as the Reverend Swan in Psychosis. Bernard's friend the comedian and broadcaster Toby Hadoke, who confirmed that he was found dead at his London home on Monday 29 December, said: 'He was one of those superb understated but versatile actors that we don't seem to have any more. He never gave a bad performance. He was greatly admired by his peers. His sense of humour was combative but there wasn't any meanness in him.' The first chapter of Bernard's autobiography, Maybe A Bastard, describing his difficult early years in Bolton, came first in the New Writing Ventures awards in 2006. He entered the competition because he retained very sharp recall and he wanted to see if the writing skills that he had possessed as a young reporter had stayed with him at the age of seventy eight. One of the judges, the novelist Ali Smith, described his entry as 'wise, taut, gripping and a perfect piece of explication.' Bernard's work on it stalled latterly because he found it difficult to write about his wife of fourteen years, the actress Patricia Haines. He never quite recovered her death from cancer in 1977, at the age of forty five. Bernard's stepdaughter Niki, from Patricia's first marriage to Michael Caine, survives Bernard.

Doctor Who director Fiona Cumming died at the age of seventy seven on New Year's Day. Fiona had a long and illustrious career, working on thirty four episodes of Doctor Who. Born in Edinburgh, she began her career as an actress, working at the Royal Scottish Academy before going on to a variety of theatre and television work, including a spell at Border Television in the dual role of announcer and features interviewer. She appeared in a number of minor roles in series such as Dr Finlay's Casebook and Suspense before deciding that she would prefer production work to acting. In 1964, Fiona gained a post as an assistant floor manager at the BBC. She first worked on Doctor Who on the 1965 story The Massacre of St Bartholomew's Eve. By the following year she had won promotion to the role of Production Assistant and in this capacity she worked on The Highlanders, Patrick Troughton's second story. She worked alongside Troughton again in 1969 on The Seeds of Death. In 1972 she worked with Jon Pertwee on the story The Mutants and in 1974 she become a BBC Staff Director. In the 1980's, she was asked to direct four stories featuring Peter Davison - his first story Castrovalva as well as the Mara sequel Snakedance, Enlightenment and Planet Of Fire. In 1988 she made an uncredited cameo appearance as a tourist at Windsor Castle in the twenty fifth anniversary story Silver Nemesis. Other productions on which Fiona worked included two episodes of Blakes 7 - Sarcophagus and Rumours Of Death - as well as Emmerdale, The Walls Of Jericho, God's Wonderful Railway, High Road, The Omega Factor, Play For Today, Angels, Jackanory Playhouse, Z Cars and the ill fated soap Eldorado. After leaving the BBC she remained active as a freelance director while also pursuing a number of other projects, including some with Doctor Who producer John Nathan-Turner in their Teynham Productions company.

Deborah Bone, the woman who inspired Pulp's 'Disco 2000', has died at the age of fifty one. A school friend of the song's author, Jarvis Cocker, the nurse from Letchworth was awarded an MBE for her services to children in the 2015 New Year's Honours List, released within hours of her death. 'We are sorry to let you know that after a brave fight, Deborah passed away on 30 December, peacefully at home. She loved life and fought to the end,' read a post on Deborah's blog on New Year's Day. 'Deborah was a truly inspirational woman, always putting other people before herself. We would like to ask for donations to Young Minds to enable Deborah continue her passion to improve children's mental health.' Her husband, Colin, added to The Comet: 'I shall be so proud to attend the MBE award ceremony on her behalf accompanied by her daughter Pollyanna who is following in her mother's footsteps working for the NHS and already achieving national recognition.' Jarvis sang 'Disco 2000' at Bone's fiftieth birthday party last year. 'To top it all my childhood friend, Jarvis, took to the stage and sang 'Disco 2000' along with the amazing CC Smugglers, to me, for me, about me,' she wrote on her blog. 'How could that happen? I will never forget that moment for as long or as short of a time I have left on this planet.'

Mister Bonio out of The U2 Group has revealed that he may never play guitar again. Which is, obviously, very sad. The U2 Group's frontman was involved in 'a high energy bicycle accident' while riding through Central Park in November, and suffered injuries to his eye, his left shoulder and his upper arm. In a blog post on The U2 Group's website, the singer wrote: 'For the last few weeks I haven't been able to move around physically so I have more than made up for it by leaving my mind to wanderlust, untethered except electronically.' It's so nice to see that this horrific accident, whilst inhibiting Mister Bonio physically, has done precious little to diminish his propensity for verbal diarrhoea.
Which of course, bring us to the first Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day for 2015. Let there be music. Play that guitar, Mister Bonio out of The U2c Group. Oh, sorry, you can't. Okay, play that guitar, Mister The Edge out of The U2 Group ...

Sherlock has, officially, resumed filming. Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self are, of course, reprising their roles as Sherlock Holmes and John Watson for a 2015 one-off special (probably, though not definitely scheduled for the Christmas period) and then a three-episode fourth series to be broadcast in 2016. The BBC officially confirmed that filming had commenced on Tuesday 6 January. 'Element-hairy, my dear Watson! Filming is now under way on the Sherlock special, coming to BBC1 in 2015,' the BBC tweet read. Sherlock producers Mark Gatiss, Steven Moffat and Sue Vertue recently hinted that fans can 'expect big changes' when the series returns from a two-year hiatus.
Fans Sherlock will, no doubt, be excited to hear that part of the new episode is to be filmed in Bath in early February. Filming will take place on Monday 2 February on Queen Street, which may offer the chance for fans to catch a glimpse of yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self in action. A resident from nearby Trim Street, Kate Gray, received a letter by the production company notifying her of the scheduled shooting and immediately grassed this info up like a Copper's Nark to the Bath Chronicle, telling the paper that she 'can't wait' for the cast and crew to arrive. Filming has been taking place this week in nearby Bristol. Benny and Marty were spotted entering a side door leading to the cellars of the city's popular music venue Colston Hall. It appears that Misfits' actress Natasha O'Keeffe will be featured in the special. A read-through for the episode, as previously mentioned, took place in London on 25 November, before filming began in early January. So far, the confirmed cast includes Benny, Marty, Amanda Abbington, Lou Brealey and Jonathan Aris. We can probably expect the likes of Una Stubbs, Rupert Graves and Mark Gatiss to also be appearing. In BBC Books'Sherlock: Chronicles, which came out in November, co-creator Gatiss was asked to provide a word as to what to expect in Sherlock's next adventures. The word he gave? 'Ghosts'.
Paul Kaye is to appear in Doctor Who's ninth series. The Game Of Thrones actor is shooting a guest role on the BBC's popular family SF drama, the Beeb has confirmed. Filming recently began on block one of the latest series, which will again star yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self. Kaye originally rose to fame in the 1990s portraying his comic creation Dennis Pennis, an outrageous celebrity journalist on Channel Four's The Sunday Show. More recently he has taken on a wide variety of acting roles in series like Waking The Dead, Kingdom, Being Human, Game Of Thrones and Ripper Street. He will next be seen in BBC1's adaptation of Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell playing the character Vinculus. According to the doctorwhotv website, Paul will be playing a character called Prentis in two episodes of the forthcoming ninth series.

A programme documenting the 2014 Doctor Who world tour will be broadcast on BBC3 later this week. Doctor Who: Earth Conquest - The World Tour will be shown on the channel at 7pm on Friday 16 January. The documentary was previously only available to watch on the show's series eight DVD box set.

Yer actual Russell Davies has revealed that he turned down an offer from the BBC to be part of celebrations for the tenth anniversary of Doctor Who's revival this year. Davies was the executive producer who brought the BBC's popular family SF drama series back to television in 2005, ultimately passing the reigns to The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat in 2010. Speaking to the Radio Times, Big Rusty expressed his opinion that the tenth anniversary of the show's return doesn't need to be celebrated. 'Someone from the [BBC's] branding team sent me a very lovely e-mail [asking] "do you want to do something,"' he recalled. 'I don't know what they imagined: a talk or a convention perhaps. I just said no, to be honest. A programme can't have its fiftieth and then its tenth! I think that's just confusing. It's marvellous and glorious; let it carry on.' Davies added that he is not interested in writing a new Doctor Who episode at this time. 'Wouldn't that be nice?' he said initially about returning. 'The lovely Steven invites me every year to come and write one. And I love him and I love them and I love watching it, but here I am, moving on. I love Doctor Who with all my heart but nothing is more important to me than my own stuff.' Russell is currently working on the CBBC series Wizards Vs Aliens, in addition to Channel Four's distinctly more adult-flavoured Cucumber.

The new issue of Doctor Who Magazine is published this week, and features an interview with Jenna Coleman her very self, during which the actress discusses the loves and lives of Clara Oswald: 'DWM asks Jenna if The Doctor and Clara can finally move on in their relationship – and after the sacrifice of Danny Pink, can things ever be the same again?' the magazine's pre-publicity claims. 'I think so,' Jenna says. 'But they are a bit addicted to each other and to the dynamic that they share. It's getting so that one can't go without the other, and I think that's definitely what Clara's realised. In a way that's quite dangerous now, because she realises that there is no going back for her.'
Neil Gaiman's next collection of short stories will include Doctor Who and American Gods stories. The author and scriptwriter will feature a story written to commemorate The Doctor's fiftieth anniversary in his new book Trigger Warning, reports the Men Who Stare At Books website. It will also include Black Dog, a story set in the American Gods universe. The Doctor Who story is presumably Neil's acclaimed e-book Nothing O'Clock. Gaiman released the first short story follow-up to American Gods - The Monarch Of The Glen - in his 2006 collection Fragile Things.

Silent Witness easily won the overnight ratings on Tuesday outside of soaps. The first episode of the eighteenth series of the popular BBC1 crime drama gathered an average audience of 6.66 million at 9pm, up from last year's opener by around half a million viewers. Later, Count Arthur Strong returned with 1.62m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, The Great British Garden Revival began with 1.56m at 7pm, followed by Six Puppies & Us with 2.75m at 8pm and Billionaires' Paradise: Inside Necker Island with 2.79m at 9pm. ITV's River Monsters returned with 1.92m at 7.30pm, while Britain's Best Back Gardens interested 2.35m at 8pm. Julia Bradbury's The Wonder Of Britain was seen by but 1.51m at 9pm. On Channel 4, Doctor Christian Jessen's Weighing Up The Enemy - possibly the sickest television format any major broadcaster has yet some up with - attracted one million voyeurs who enjoy laughing at fatties at 8pm, followed by the return of Twenty Four Hours in Police Custody with 1.21 at 9pm. Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell appealed to nine hundred and forty four thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Scariest Weather attracted nine hundred and eight thousand at 8pm, followed by Worst Weather Ever? with seven hundred and fifty four thousand at 9pm. On E4, The One Hundred continued with nine hundred and sixteen thousand at 9pm, while the new series of Supernatural began with four hundred and twenty eight thousand at 10pm.

Celebrity Big Brother launched with over three million viewers on Wednesday, overnight ratings reveal. A truly appalling statistic which, frankly, makes one want to resign from the human race in protest. Channel Five's latest series of the Victorian Freak-Show featuring a collection of odious horrors, z-listers desperate for one last sniff at the big time and some people you've never heard of, opened with an average audience of 3.09 million at 9pm. Horrifying, dear blog reader. Genuinely, depressingly, deeply horrifying. The overnight figure was slightly lower than last January's ratings of 3.18m when not the last series but the one before launched on a Friday evening. However, it was higher than August's launch figures of 2.24m. Earlier on the channel, a repeat of Benefits: Too Fat To Work drew 1.23m at 8pm. The second part of BBC1's Silent Witness again topped the night overall with 6.42m at 9pm. A repeat of Miranda was watched by 3.81m at 8pm. On BBC2, Six Puppies & Us appealed to 2.69m at 8pm, followed by Super Cars Versus Used Cars with 1.82m at 9pm. Channel Four's Restoration Man returned with 2.03m at 8pm, while the new series of Twenty Four Hours in A&E gathered 1.72m at 9pm.

Death In Paradise returned with impressive overnights to top Thursday evening's ratings. The BBC1 crime drama attracted an average 6.91 million at 9pm. This was marginally down from last year's launch of 7.13m, but is still the popular Caribbean series' third-highest overnight audience ever. Earlier, Would I Lie To You? brought in 4.19m at 8pm, while Question Time gathered 2.80m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Somerset: After The Floods interested 1.57m at 8pm, followed by Super Rich & Us with 1.73m at 9pm. On a broadly poor night for ITV, Jeremy Kyle's wretched new series The Kyle Files attracted a very sub-standard 2.61m at 7.30pm. Birds Of A Feather as usual, failed to amuse 3.47m at 8.30pm - boy, did that revival ever get really old, really quickly - and Bring Back Borstal was watched by 2.23m at 9pm. Channel Four's Location, Location, Location was seen by 1.80m at 8pm, followed by Shut-Ins: Britain's Fattest People with 1.42m at 9pm. Sex Party Secrets had an audience of 1.38m at 10pm. On Channel Five, Secrets Of The Egyptian Pyramids attracted a million punters at 8pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.35 million brain-damaged morons or the victims of cruel medical experiments at 9pm, followed by the return of Botched Up Bodies with eight hundred and fifty eight thousand at 10pm.

The effing disgraceful worthless smears on Celebrity Big Brother were gawped at by an average audience of 2.16 million sick, easily-pleased planks at 9pm on Friday. The Channel Five freak show - in which various shitty people whom you've either never heard of or who you have but have no worth to them whatsoever did ... stuff, apparently - peaked with 2.25 million at 9.45pm. Celebrity Big Brother: Nomination Face-Off followed with 1.78 million at 10pm. Earlier in the evening, Channel Five's Race To The Pole was seen by three hundred and seventeen thousand viewers, while Ice Road Truckers played to seven hundred and ninety one thousand. ITV's 9pm broadcast of Benidorm was again the evening's highest-rated show outside of soaps with 4.44 million viewers. It was preceded by The Martin Lewis Money Show with 2.88 million at 8pm. The ONE Show kicked off BBC1's evening with 4.09 million viewers at 7pm, followed by 3.59 million for A Question of Sport and 3.38 million for Room 101 at 8.30pm. The Musketeers was watched by 3.64 million at 9pm, while The Graham Norton Show ended the night with 3.51 million at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Great British Garden Revival was seen by 1.18 million at 7pm, followed by an evening high of 2.28 million for Mastermind at 8pm. 1.73 million watched Food & Drink at 8.30pm and The Big Allotment Challenge had an audience of 1.66 million at 9pm. The latest episode of Qi - a particularly fine one featuring Richard Osman and Lucy Porter - finished the evening with 1.58 million. The return of Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was Channel Four's most-viewed show with 1.91 million at 9pm. It was sandwiched between Jamie and Jimmy's Friday Night Feast and The Last Leg, which attracted respective audiences of 1.33 million and 1.15 million. Agatha Christie's Marple was among the most popular multichannel broadcasts, with five hundred and twenty four thousand at 8pm.

Comedy highlight of the week, indeed, came from that very episode of Qi with Lucy Porter discussing the height difference between herself (four foot eleven) and her, somewhat taller, husband, the comedian and actor Justin Edwards (six foot five): 'In the bedroom, it's like a ventriloquism act that gone seriously wrong!' said lUce. 'What does he make you do whilst he drinking a pint of water?' asked Phill Jupitas. 'I'll bet it's not the alphabet!'
The new series of BBC1's The Voice opened to more than eight million overnight viewers on Saturday. The first episode of blind auditions - which featured singers including Hannah Symons and Stevie McCrorie - was watched by 8.05m from 7pm. The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List followed with 4.87m and Casualty attracted 4.97m from 9.20pm. Match Of The Day - including yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable and, currently, managerless) Magpies expected 2-0 thrashing at the hands of Moscow Chelski FC, had an audience of 4.62m. BBC1 dominated Saturday, winning every single slot across the day from 6am onwards. The channel's new magic show Now You See It pulled in 5.01m as the lead-in show of The Voice. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat drew 2.28m from 8.30pm before Britain's Tudor Treasure: A Night At Hampton Court appealed to 1.75m. ITV's Harry Hill's reboot of Stars In Their Eyes premiered to a modest 3.41m from 7pm (though it seems to have gone down like a bucket of cold sick with at least some viewers), with Take Me Out stank up the gaff, as usual, with an audience of 3.18m afterwards. Another broadcast of the James Bond movie Skyfall - which ITV previously showed on Christmas Eve - drew 2.4 million from 9.20pm. On Channel Four, Tsunami: Ten Years On was watched by seven hundred and eighty one thousand viewers in the 8pm hour. The Cameron Diaz movie Bad Teacher was seen by 1.07m later. On Channel Five, 2.05m sickthings tuned in from 10pm to see Jeremy Jackson exit Celebrity Big Brother (see below). ITV3's Midsomer Murders topped the multichannels, with 1.10m from 8pm.

'You're like a zombie, get your act together!' The last time British viewers were with Laure Berthaud's team of CID officers, policing the worst scum that Paris can throw at them, they were getting the shit blow out of themselves as a bomb destroyed their office and killed one of their own, as he attempted to defuse it. Series four's terrorism storyline - horribly timely, this week of all weeks - left Laure's team in various states of abject disarray: The good captain herself was, obviously, stunned by the death of her lover Sami, particularly when she discovers that she is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is (but, has a some pretty good suspicions). Her loyal lieutenant Gilou is quietly adapting to his new role as 'the sensible one' (no, really!) and poor Tintin - who, previously, occupied that role - is still clearly traumatised by his brush with death and, seemingly, having real marital problems as a result. That's where Spiral series five began on Saturday on BBC4. Throw into the mix yer actual minxy Joséphine potentially facing professional ruin after having aided the anarchists who bombed the police station, Pierre still pursuing his personal and professional folie à deux with Joséphine and Judge Roban having finally vanquished Garnier but only with the help of the odious, scheming Machard. Canal Plus's superb Engranages has been punching way above its potential weight with the very best of European police dramas for nearly a decade now getting better and better with each passing year. Going right back to the start, Spiral plunged viewers into a justice system where police and lawyers sometimes seem indistinguishable from the criminals and the one lone honest man in all of this - Roben - appears to be fighting a never-ending battle against shades of grey. All of this set against a backdrop of a Paris a long way from the tourist-friendly views of the Left Banke and the Latin Quarter. The series took on drug traffickers in series two, a serial killer of prostitutes in the third (the  year that yer actual Keith Telly Topping discovered it), and - long before the horrific events in Paris this week - was focusing on home-grown terrorism during its fourth series in 2013. Spiral never shies away from difficult questions, or lets its characters off the hook too lightly. It's been bleak, hard-hitting, often ice-cold in its depiction of crime and consequence and yet, often, dryly funny, marshalling its classy ensemble cast through the bewildering, sometimes lethal, underworld of the French justice system. Series five began with the double murder of a young mother and her infant daughter, tied together and drowned in the Seine. We rejoin Spiral mere months after Sami's blood-splattered death. Laure is, understandably, all over the place: she's looking terrible, is edgier than ever, drinking far too much, eating little else but chocolates and is fifteen weeks pregnant yet is too caught up in her grief to even notice. She's oblivious to Tintin's own quieter, ore languid distress, the way that he's struggling with his home life as he grieves and recovers from his own near death experience last series. It is, therefore, left to brave-and-loyal Gilou, with his new regime of early nights, sobriety and boxing (no cocaine and hookers for Gilou this time, we imagine), who is keeping the central trio together. Well, Laure together, anyway. Just about. Yet even with Gilou as peacemaker, the team's emotions feel more raw and shredded than usual (in particular he's giving Tintin some tough love to get him motivated). As ever, Spiral's scriptwriters manage to weave together the lawyers, the judge and the police seamlessly. So Pierre Clément just happens to be the brief of Jaulin, the husband of the murdered Sandrine and the chief suspect, in a case which is being run - at Laure's insistence - by Judge Roban. All this occurs while Joséphine finds her way into the judge's office - and, for once, good books - thanks to the pair's determination to prevent a police cover-up in a different, yet, possibly linked, case of a man accused of causing the hit and run death of a police officer. The best scene in the opening episode sees Joséphine shamelessly manipulating a young and inexperienced female lawyer into getting her to represent the chap involved only to, subsequently, find herself, for once, outmanoeuvred by someone even sneaky than herself. Under threat of being kicked into a desk job after his bungling handling of the terrorism case, pushy, ambitious Herville is, for once, backing Captain Berthaud – albeit with somewhat mixed consequences – and the CID team over the course of two episodes make progress: spotting the blood splatters which confirmed the family home as the potential murder scene, locating Stéphane Jaulin and his son Léo with something approaching efficiency and finding a missing laptop in Sandrine's schizophrenic brother Olivier Delorme's freezer. In fact, despite their personal problems, if anyone (the inept Herville aside) looks in danger of buggering up the case at this early stage, it is the normally reliable Roban, who seems very certain of Jaulin's guilt, despite the husband's solid alibi and phone records which place him well away from the scene at the time of the murder. There is likely to be more going on with Jaulin than we yet know – two thousand Euros seems quite a lot of  coin for a painter and decorator to be packing, there are lots of hints that he is violent when he's angry and that final, enigmatic shot of episode two just screamed 'watch this bloke, he's got secrets'. But, given the laptop's discovery, Olivier's hellish paintings and his demented attack on a jogger early in the episode, Laure's instincts appear to be the ones to follow at this stage - her scrambled hormones notwithstanding. Anyway, dear blog reader, Spiral's back. And, as a consequence, Saturday night telly just got interesting again.
Former Baywatch actor Jeremy Jackson (no, me neither) was dramatically thrown out of Celebrity Big Brother on Saturday (it says here) after pulling open another contestant's dressing gown and, allegedly, exposing her bobbies to the world. The incident began when the actor, allegedly, 'got drunk' on a mixture of rum and vodka and vomited copious amounts of rich brown phlegm into the netty. As you do. He was 'being comforted' soon afterwards by the glamour model Chloe Goodman, who suddenly exclaimed: 'That's not okay, I'm leaving now', before flouncing out of the bathroom in tears. Goodman then claimed: 'He went to my dressing grown top and put my boob out.' The incident itself was not broadcast when Channel Five showed the aftermath in Saturday night's episode of the sick Victorian freak show, as cameras do not film in the toilet. Meanwhile, another contestant, Ken Morley is reported to have been given a formal warning for 'using racially-insensitive language.' The former Coronation Street actor - who now appears to make his living doing really annoying double glazing adverts, 'being professionally wacky' and appearing in shit like this - was talking to Katie Hopkins before seeming to use a racist term to describe people of African descent. It wasn't 'Africans' either, just in case you were wondering, He also claimed to only be going into the bathroom that morning so that he could 'look at young ladies' bottoms.'Classy.

Still Open All Hours remained on top of the overnight ratings on Sunday evening. The BBC1 comedy was watched by an average 6.37 million viewers at 7.30pm. Earlier, Celebrity Mastermind drew 4.54m at 6pm, followed by Countryfile with 6.04m at 6.30pm. Antiques Roadshow had an audience of 5.44m at 8pm, followed by the latest episode of Last Tango In Halifax with 5.69m at 9pm. Match Of The Day 2 ended a good night for the channel with 2.64m at 10.35pm. BBC2's live darts coverage attracted 2.54m from 5.45pm and massively overran, completely buggering up the night's viewing for some viewers - this one very much included. When it was finally over, Kate Humble's Into The Volcano drew 1.14m at 9.15pm, followed by Paul Hollywood's Racing Legends with seven hundred and seventy thousand at 10.15pm. On ITV, All Star Family Misfortunes pulled in 2.99m at 7pm, while Foyle's War continued with 4.33m at 8pm. Channel Four's Phil Spencer: Secret Agent had eight hundred and forty five thousand at 7pm, followed by The Hotel with 1.44m at 8pm and Walking The Nile with 1.74m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Aladdin was seen by 1.60m at 5.30pm, while Jackie Chan's The Medallion attracted 1.11m at 7.30pm. The latest droppings from Celebrity Big Brother was seen by 2.37m at 9pm (322k/1.9%) and the horror movie A Lonely Place To Die was seen by nine hundred and ninety three thousand at 10pm. BBC3's repeat of Saturday's The Voice gathered six hundred and eighty two thousand at 7.30pm.

And now, the consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Three programmes for the week-ending Sunday 4 January 2015:-
1 New Year's Eve Fireworks - Wed BBC1 - 12.50m
2= Mrs Brown's Boys - Thurs BBC1 - 9.51m
2= Miranda - Thurs BBC1 - 9.51m
4 Queen & Adam Lambert Rock Big ben Live - Wed BBC1 - 9.47m
5 EastEnders - Thurs BBC1 - 9.26m
6 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.74m
7 Roald Dahl's Esio Trot - Thurs BBC1 - 7.86m
8 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 7.10m
9 Last Tango In Halifax - Sun BBC1 - 7.02m
10 Still Open All Hours - Sun BBC1 - 6.90m
11 Benidorm - Fri ITV - 6.61m
12 Six O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 6.41m
13 BBC News - Mon BBC1 - 5.69m
14 FA Cup: Match of The Day Live - Sun BBC1 - 5.49m
15 Foyle's War - Sun ITV - 5.37m*
16 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.35m
17 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.29m
18 ITV News - Mon ITV - 5.26m*
19 The Musketeers - Fri BBC1 - 4.93m
20 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.78m
21 Mapp & Lucia - Mon BBC1 - 4.69m
22= Film: Madagascar 3 - Tues BBc1 - 4.50m
22= Celebrity Mastermind - Fri BBC1 - 4.50m
As usual, these figures do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. Aside from Corrie, Emmerdale, Foyle's War and one episode of ITV News, the only ITV programme across the entire week to pull in a consolidated audience of more than four million punters was the thoroughly wretched and funny as a kick in the 'nads Birds Of A Feather. And, even that had an audience 4.24m that was three hundred thousand lower than the previous episode. BBC2's highest-rated programme of the week was Christmas University Challenge with 2.97 million. Next came Jools's Annual Hootenanny on New Year's Eve with 2.84 million and the film Quartet with 2.75 million. Next came Snow Wolf Family & Me which drew 2.32 million, followed by Charlie Brooker's 2014 Wipe (2.21m), Mastermind (2.10m), Dave Allen: God's Own Comedian (1.95m), Flog It! (1.85m) and a repeat of the Top Gear Patagonia Special (1.84m). Qi drew 1.63m whilst the XL edition was watched by 1.34m. The Big Anniversary Quiz was Channel Four's most watched broadcast with 2.81m, followed by the movie Snow White & The Huntsman (2.74m), Walking The Nile (2.48m) and Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special (2.29m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were the movie Bambi (2.05m) and Elvis By The Presley's (1.57m). Midsomer Murders was ITV3's most-watched programme with 1.10m viewers. The Royal Institution Christmas Lectures drew BBC4's largest audience of the week (seven hundred and eighty five thousand), with Wallander: Dogs Of Riga being watched by six hundred and eighty one thousand. Red Bull Soapbox Race: Turin on Dave was seen by five hundred and thirty two thousand. The Universal Channel's NCIS attracted one hundred and eleven thousand whilst FOX's much-hyped first broadcast of the Mark Harmon TV movie Certain Prey had one hundred and thirty eight thousand. Sky Arts' Portrait Artist Of The Year was watched by one hundred and sixty six thousand viewers. Both ITV2 and BBC3's weekly best-of lists were, again, topped by movies - Despicable Me (1.21m) and Shrek The Third (1.08m) respectively.

Olivia Colman has said that she is worried viewers will become 'fed up' with seeing her cry. The Broadchurch actress has taken on many emotive roles in programmes including The Accused and The Dilemma, as well as the movie Tyrannosaur. In an interview with Vogue, Colly explained: 'I have a sneaking suspicion that audiences have seen me crying a little bit too often in the past couple of years. And if people get really fed up with me, then I won't get more work. And if I can't do what I love, then I will shrivel up and die. If something touches me, I cry. That's it. I'm a bit raw, a bit rubbish really. Often a director will say to me, "I don't think this is a scene where your character cries." And, all I can say is, "Good luck with that!"' Colly, who portrays Ellie Miller in Broadchurch - and, to be fair, has plenty to cry about what with her husband being a sick child killer - also said that she 'became emotional' when one of her sons was praised at school. 'It was slightly embarrassing at a parents' meeting when a teacher was nice about my boy and I started to well up,' she explained.

Broadchurch fans can visit locations used in the drama on a new walking tour. Literary Lyme Walking Tours have introduced a new range of Broadchurch-themed tours to coincide with the show's recent return for a second series. The tours will take place in West Bay in Dorset, which doubles as the small town of Broadchurch in the ITV drama. Locations included on the tour include the local police station, the newsagents and the beach where Danny Latimer's body was found in the first episode of the series. The tours have been organised by Natalie Manifold, who was also involved in the production of the series. She has had to sign a non-disclosure agreement to avoid revealing details about upcoming episodes.
Top Gear has announced a global launch event to be recorded in London. An Evening with Top Gear will be filmed in front of a live audience on Sunday 18 January and will be broadcast via YouTube at 9pm that evening. Jezza Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May will preview the forthcoming twenty second series of the programme at the event. One imagines that plenty of waste-of-space shites at the Daily Mirra and the Gruniad Morning Star and the Daily Scum Mail will be watching that, closely, in an effort to find something they can whinge about.
ITV has announced that Foyle's War will end after its current series. The long-running period drama starring Michael Kitchen will broadcast its final episode on Sunday at 8pm. The final episode, Elise, will see Christopher Foyle solving his final case. It will feature Foyle looking into Hilda Pierce's secret role during the war, following an assassination attempt on her life.Writer and creator Anthony Horowitz said: 'It feels a terrible wrench to say goodbye to characters I've lived with for more than fifteen years. But the truth is that I'm not sure there are any more stories to tell and anyway it was always my intention to end on a high note and I think this year's episodes are the very best we've done. I'm proud of what we've achieved with Foyle's War and I'm very grateful to the audience that has stayed with us for so long. I've had a good war.' Executive producer Jill Green said: 'We have made twenty eight successful feature length films - a huge body of work - with the quality rising every year. So it is good to be closing on a high, and having the time to now offer our loyal audiences new dramas. Michael Kitchen, Honeysuckle Weeks and several crew have been with us for every episode across a fourteen-year period so particular thanks again to them.'

Yer actual Johnny Vegas has described Channel Four as 'self-conscious', adding that he now finds it 'incredibly frustrating' taking ideas to TV channels. Speaking to the Digital Spy website, Johnny explained that he can feel 'quite despondent' pitching new programmes. 'It does get soul-destroying trying to pitch what you think is a wonderful idea when it doesn't fit with anybody's remit,' he said. 'I find it incredibly frustrating taking ideas in, that a lot of the time you go in with something original and [there's a] fear of doing something original, because there's nothing to compare it to. And, if there's nothing to compare it to, they can't justify commissioning it, because it's career suicide to commission something original. Channel Four can be, at times, really "But is it Channel 4?", and you go, "What is Channel Four?" When they start to see themselves with a certain identity, in a way they've kind of lost what they were there for, which was taking those risks - being too almost self-conscious as a channel as a whole. Because as the channel grows, the commercial interest grows and then suddenly it's about holding certain numbers.'Meanwhile, Johnny also said that he feels BBC3 has had 'an identity crisis' in recent years, and that the channel's original commissioner, Stuart Murphy, who left the role in 2006 to be replaced by Danny Cohen, was 'always a breath of fresh air.' Murphy commissioned shows including Little Britain, Pulling and Torchwood, as well as Vegas's acclaimed BBC3 sitcom Ideal, a particular favourite of this blogger, which was axed by Cohen's replacement, Zai Bennett, in 2011. Bennett, of course, subsequently left the BBC in high dudgeon when plans were announced for BBC3 to be moved online. Ironically, Bennett is now working for Murphy as the director of Sky Atlantic. Where, presumably, he'll be busy dreaming up a project that he can create for Kerry Katona whose reality show The Next Chapter he green-lit when he was at ITV2. Johnny also said that he finds it a shame that broadcasters like the BBC aren't investing more in one-off projects. 'Within TV now, it's all about returning audiences; "Have we got a third or fourth series? Can we build on this?"' he said. 'It's a real dumbing-down. It's almost a broadcast-induced attention deficit syndrome, where they don't trust that people can watch something that is just a brilliant, self-contained piece in itself. It's just a shame that everything is about competing with something at the same timeslot on another channel rather than putting something on for its creative, artistic validity. Now, things have so little time to get established. With Only Fools & Horses, it was four seasons where people weren't watching it before it became massive. Now it's a classic. There does seem to be an atmosphere of fear of committing to something. Things that don't have that instant hit factor – it's out the door and in with something new. It's a massive shame, but sadly it kind of becomes the norm in which we live in.'

Jessica Raine has revealed that she loved playing someone 'really horrible' in the new BBC historical drama Wolf Hall. The actress - best known for playing Jenny Lee in the BBC's Call The Midwife - told Marie Claire that she was 'desperate to play someone not nice.' She will star alongside Damian Lewis, Mark Gatiss and Charity Wakefield in Wolf Hall, a six-part mini-series based on Tudor novels of Hilary Mantel. 'I was desperate to play someone not nice. I play Jane Rochford, Anne Boleyn's sister-in-law, in Wolf Hall and she is really, really horrible,' Jessica explained. 'It's written by Peter Straughan so it has a very contemporary, thriller edge.' Jessica added that her exit from Call The Midwife'felt like the right decision', adding: 'You've got to listen to your gut instinct - that's all you've got in this industry. I did think about asking for the nurse's uniform when I left but I thought that was a bit kinky!' Dear blog readers will have to excuse yer actual Keith Telly Topping at this juncture, he's just got The Horn.
Dara Ó Briain has announced that he will not return as host of The Apprentice spin-off You're Fired. The comedian has presented the BBC2 show for five years but now, he says, he wants to spend more time working on his own comedy, according to Press Association. 'After five years hosting You're Fired, I've decided to pass the chair on to someone else,' Dara said. 'In that time, I've interviewed eighty four wannabe apprentices. If I interview any more, I'll turn into Claude Littner. Mainly though, I'm back on tour again this year and I'd like to enjoy getting laughs off my own incompetence for a while.'

Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins have joked that they may call their new daytime talk show a 'farewell tour' in case it fails to impress. The Great British Bake Off duo will launch Mel & Sue on ITV next Monday, fifteen years after their original Channel Four series Light Lunch (subsequently Late Lunch) came to an end. Discussing their nerves, Perkins said: 'I've started calling it the "Farewell Tour" in case it fails. I'll say, "Mel and I will always love each other, but it's goodbye."But if it works, we'll rebrand it and say, "Well, hello again". It's like The Rolling Stones - every tour is a farewell tour.' Giedroyc added: 'Everyone is really nice if they think it's a farewell tour. They give you the benefit of the doubt.' On finding the right format for their return, the pair also revealed that they had spent 'two or three years' trying to find the right live show. 'We love live because of the roughness round the edges, the excitement, the madness, and stuff going off on all sorts of weird tangents,' Mel said, while her co-star added: 'We did so many live shows when we were starting out. That is the medium in which we feel most comfortable.' Jennifer Saunders, Jo Brand and Dermot O'Dreary (who began his media career as a researcher for the pair on Late Lunch) will be among the guests appearing during the first week, with the presenters excited to be interviewing as a duo. 'It's a format where we work well together,' Mel said. 'It's always quite nice to have two people interviewing rather than the one. You've always got back-up.' Sue added: 'Because you can out gun them. It's like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park - two of them working as a team to rip someone to pieces. It's a "double Paxo" because one is never enough.'

The Fall's creator has said that he is 'very confident' of securing a third series following the dramatic, blood-soaked conclusion to series two recently. Allan Cubitt also went on to say that he has an ending planned for the as-yet unconfirmed series. As quoted by the BuzzFeed website's Jarett Wieselman, Cubitt said on the TCA Winter press tour: 'I'm very confident there will be a third season.'
The BBC is believed to have submitted its coverage of the police raid on Sir Cliff Richard's home for this year's Royal Television Society journalism awards. The corporation's exclusive broadcast of the raid on the singer's Berkshire home was met with some - largely media-created - controversy, after it emerged that journalists had been tipped off by South Yorkshire police about the search in advance. The coverage has been submitted for the 2014 ceremony's 'Scoop of the Year' award, the Independent - rather sneeringly reports. Which is, rather, what one would expect from a sneering bunch of sneering Middle class sneering hippy Communists like they. The pre-recorded footage led to an inquiry by Keith Vaz's House of Commons home affairs select committee. MPs later found that South Yorkshire police had been 'utterly inept' in their handling of the raid and that they had caused 'irreparable damage' to Richard's reputation. However, the report was not critical of the BBC, saying that it was 'well within its rights' to run the story and had acted 'perfectly properly' throughout. No charges have been brought against Cliff, who has always vehemently denied historic allegations of sexual assault of a boy under sixteen.

Sky Atlantic has announced a return date for Game Of Thrones in the UK. The fifth season of HBO's epic and award-winning fantasy drama will launch on Monday 13 April at 9pm.

Worthless, waste-of-space know-nothing horrorshow (and drag) Andy Townsend will, reportedly, leave ITV at the end of the current football season. And lo, there was rejoicing throughout the land. Mind you, if he'd stayed, he would have had sod all to do to justify his existence for the next few years. Though some may well argue that he's done sod all to justify his existence in the decade he's been there anyway. See also Chiles, Adrian. This blogger couldn't possibly comment. Townsend, who once presented a segment called Townsend's Tactics Truck during ITV's disastrous highlights show The Premiership and presenter Matt Smith (no, the other one) will leave the broadcaster after it extremely lost the rights to Champions League, FA Cup and Europa League football to other channels, the Daily Scum Mail reports. A series of events which were, let's face it, funny after ITV's utterly inept and disgracefully tabloid-style coverage over the last ... well, thirty years or so. ITV Sport will not be renewing its contract with Townsend and the decision is said to be 'mutual'. Whether Jim Rosenthal continues to be employed by them and, if so, doing what, exactly, is not, at this time, known. Although, again, some would argue we've never known what, exactly, Jim Rosenthal does for his money. Townsend - a rubbish footballer with Southampton, Norwich City, Moscow Chelski FC, Aston Villains, The Smoggies, West Bromwich Albinos and the Republic of Ireland before he was a rubbish pundit with ITV - reportedly wants to work 'in and around international broadcasters' (whatever the hell that means) to continue as a co-commentator on live games. Though, one imagines most of those broadcasters who have the rights to football already fully realise how rotten and dreadful the chap is and how lowly regarded he is by the vast majority of football viewers in this country. Just a thought.
Alice Webb has been appointed the new director of BBC Children's. The current chief operating officer of BBC England will oversee the Salford-based department from late February. She will be responsible for CBeebies and CBBC. Former director Joe Godwin previously departed to take charge of the BBC Academy, while CBeebies controller Kay Benbow was made acting director of BBC Children's. Webb said: 'BBC Children's makes the best content for children in the world and it's a real privilege to be asked to lead such an important part of the BBC, particularly in these fast moving, digital times. This is my dream job and I can't wait to get started.' Peter Salmon, Director of BBC England, added: 'Alice is a rising industry star who has helped make the BBC and MediaCityUK the fastest growing digital hub in Europe and she brings the same energy, focus and conviction to one of the most crucial jobs in the sector. Having worked alongside Alice, first building BBC North and then helping the likes of BBC Children's thrive here, I have no doubt she will lead their talented and passionate teams brilliantly through the huge audience and technology challenges ahead.'

And now, dear blog reader ...
The Green Party has, reportedly, criticised draft Ofcom proposals to consider UKiP a 'major party' ahead of this year's General Erection, but not the Greens. This announcement caused considerable umbrage to be taken by a half-a-dozen Middle Class hippy Communists Gruniad Morning Star readers in Brighton and Islington. Ooo, hopping mad, so they were. They could barely eat their quiche, they were so discombobulated. A consultation has been opened on the matter as the telecoms regulator expressed 'initial' plans to add UKiP to the list. However, it does not believe that the Green Party qualifies. Which, given the fact that only a bunch of risible Gruniad Morning Star frackers ever vote for them, some would argue is a decent enough assessment.
The new president of the Discovery channel, Rich Ross, has promised a move away from 'sensationalist' programming. Many viewers, apparently, regarded the network's recent series of 'fake documentaries', including two on mermaids, as a betrayal of the network's science roots. In particular, a programme called Eaten Alive, where the host claimed that he would be swallowed whole by a snake, was also criticised. Speaking to the press for the first time Ross said 'authenticity' would be his priority while he was in charge. Eaten Alive made headlines around the world but was mocked after it failed to show what had been promised or, indeed, anything even remotely like it. Ross said that he thought the 'special' (his word not anyone elses) had 'the right intention with a packaging that was misleading. I don't believe you'll be seeing a person being eaten by a snake in my time [at the channel],' he added. Speaking about the 'fake' documentaries - including titles such as Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives - Ross, said he didn't think they were 'right for Discovery Channel, and I think it's something that has run its course. They've done very well but I don't think it's something that's right for us.'

Rita Ora's cleavage has sparked over four hundred whinges after her appearance on The ONE Show. The singer appeared on the BBC1 evening show with her fellow The Voice coaches, dressed in a plunging white suit. The outfit received 'a mixed reaction' from viewers, with some people whinging that the suit was 'inappropriate' for family tea-time viewing. And, once again dear blog reader, let us simply stand up and salute the utter shite that some people chose to care about. The BBC has confirmed that four hundred and twenty four people - with nothing better to do with their time, seemingly - have whinged about Ora's fashion choice, and the broadcaster said they 'appreciate that tastes vary.' And, also, that some people are morons who don't deserve to live in a democracy where freedom of expression is a right, not a privilege. 'The ONE Show allows guests to choose their own attire and pop stars often opt for something glamorous or striking,' said the corporation, rather wearily, in a statement. 'We didn't feel that Rita's outfit would be outside of most viewers' expectations of that of a major pop star, but we appreciate that tastes vary.' Personally, this blogger, had he been in any sort of position of power at the Beeb, would have used the next edition of The ONE Show to have a rolling scroll bar naming and shaming each and every single one of these four hundred and twenty four clowns and telling them - using graphs if necessary - exactly what their remote control is for.
Members of the punk band Stereo Fire Empire (no, me neither) have found and returned a painting worth a reported two hundred and fifty thousand dollars mere hours after it was stolen from a New Orleans gallery. Bassist Elliot Newkirk and his bandmates had just finished a show at the city's famous House of Blues venue when they saw the artwork propped up against a wall outside the club. 'Our guitar player was actually talking about how he saw on Facebook that a painting was stolen,' Newkirk said. 'Literally, five minutes later' he found the canvas and 'his jaw dropped.' The painting, entitled Wendy and Me, was by the New Orleans artist George Rodrigue. It was stolen in broad daylight from New Orleans' George Rodrigue Studios on Tuesday, afternoon. A thief walked into the gallery, lifted the picture from the wall and left. The incident lasted less than a minute and was captured on security cameras. Featuring the blue dog for which he is famous, Wendy and Me was used on the artist's wedding invitations when he married his second wife, Wendy, in 1997. The band handed it to police, along with another artwork - a print called Three Amigos, that is believed to have been sold to a local non-profit organisation through the George Rodrigue Foundation for the Arts several years ago. 'I collect discarded art and things like that,' guitarist Evan Diez told a local news station. 'Even if it's just a frame, I'll pick it up. I saw those canvases and had to check them out.' Singer John Kennedy picked up the story: 'His face was ghost white - jaw dropped, like, "you don't understand - this is a two hundred and fifty thousand dollar piece of artwork."' The band described the events that followed as 'a Scooby Doo adventure', as they carried the paintings to a nearby police station. 'We're walking down the street with these quarter-million-dollar paintings in our hands, and they're facing out and I'm like, "No! Turn that around! We don't want people seeing that,"' Newkirk said. Stereo Fire Empire said they felt like 'The Goonies but with more hair.' Speaking at a press conference on Wednesday, George Rodrigue's son Jacques said: 'We're so thankful to the good Samaritans for bringing it back.' The band - who filmed themselves handing over the paintings - did not ask for a reward. But 'we joked that we're going to write a song about it, so we'll see what happens,' said Newkirk. George Rodrigue, who died in 2013, was catapulted to fame by his blue dog paintings, which were based on a Cajun legend called loup-garou. Police say they will use DNA fingerprinting techniques to track down the thief, who is reported to be 'still at large.'

An American terrorism commentator - indeed, he's self-described as an 'expert' - speaking on FOX News has been forced to grovellingly apologise for claiming Britain's second largest city, Birmingham, was a 'Muslim-only city' and a place where non-Muslims 'don't go in.' Steven Emerson also told the channel that in London Muslim religious police beat anyone who doesn't dress according to a strict code. 'Parts of London, there are actually Muslim religious police that actually beat and actually wound, seriously, anyone who doesn't dress according to ... religious Muslim attire,' he alleged. This blogger thinks it's the repeated 'actually's which make this claim so utterly convincing, dear blog reader. Emerson described Birmingham as one of 'a number' of European cities 'where sharia courts were set up, where Muslim density is very intense, where the police don't go in and where it's, basically, a separate country almost, a country within a country.' He did not give any examples of other European cities, besides Birmingham, where this is alleged to be the case. In fact, according to the most recently available census data (from 2011), around eight hundred and fifty thousand non-Muslims live in Birmingham, accounting for approximately eighty per cent of the near 1.1 million population. After being contacted by a number of British media outlets, Emerson later issued a rather pathetic apology for his 'terrible error.' No shit? Needless to say, social media has been ridiculing this daft bugger's comments with some considerable glee and much, excellent, piss-taking. There are many terrific examples that you can check out here, for instance (this blogger particularly enjoyed the Noddy Holder one). Even David Cameron, whose party held its annual conference in Birmingham last year, weighed in during a television interview. 'When I heard this, I choked on my porridge and I thought it must be April Fool's Day,' Cameron told ITV News. The porridge choking proved to be non-fatal, incidentally. Which is, obviously, tremendous news. 'This guy is clearly a complete idiot,' Cameron continued. 'He should actually look at Birmingham and see what a fantastic example it is of bringing people together.' By hell, you really know you've screwed up if David Cameron is calling you an idiot - he normally saves that sort of talk for Milimolimandi. Some commentators have accused Emerson on his own allegedly 'investigative' website of 'speaking nonsense' and called his claims 'utter rubbish.' Which, of course, as anyone who has ever been to Birmingham (or, indeed, London for that matter) will know. Emerson, who founded a group called The Investigative Project On Terrorism, was giving his perspective on the recent terror attacks in France to presenter Jeanine Pirro. And, what is perhaps even more shocking than Emerson's ignorant and factually ridiculous allegations is the fact that Pirro - a former judge, failed Republican politician and a supposedly now passing herself off as a 'serious' journalist - did not question or challenge these comments. Instead, Pirro responded to her guest's claim that the British government doesn't 'exercise any sovereignty' in Birmingham by saying: 'You know what it sounds like to me, Steve? It sounds like a caliphate within a particular country.' Instead of something along the lines of 'you know what? That sounds to me like a load of risible unsupported bullshit, Steve. Where's your evidence for these claims?' And she's a failed Republican politician? Gosh, one wonders why. A witness called to testify to at least one Congressional committee, Emerson - who, remember, the British Prime Minister has just called 'a complete idiot' - later apologised and has offered to make a donation to Birmingham Children's Hospital. 'I have clearly made a terrible error for which I am deeply sorry. My comments about Birmingham were totally in error,' he is quoted as saying by the Torygraph. But, he seemingly stopped short of offering any sort of apology directly to the city's two hundred thousand Muslims, whom he appeared to lump into the same category as extremists during his ludicrous rant. Neither has FOX News, at this time, issued a retraction.
Tom Bateman and Richard E Grant have been cast in ITV's Jekyll & Hyde. The ten-part adventure drama - based on Robert Louis Stevenson's 1886 novella - will also star Coronation Street's Natalie Gumede. Bateman will take the role of Robert Jekyll, Grant will play Sir Roger Bulstrode and Gumede will star as Bella. The cast of the series also includes Stephanie Hyam, Donald Sumpter, Amit Shah, Phil McKee and Christian McKay. Ruby Bentall, Enzo Cilenti, Lolita Chakrabarti, Michael Karim and Ace Bhatti will feature in supporting roles. The series will be set in 1930s London, and will focus on the grandson of the doctor featured in Stevenson's story. Colin Teague will direct the series, which begins filming in Sri Lanka later this month. Production will take place in London from February until July.
Sky Sports has announced that it will continue showing England cricket matches until 2019. The channel has extended its contract with the England and Wales Cricket Board, remaining the sole broadcaster of England matches. The deal includes all England's home Test, one-day and T20 matches, as well as at least sixty days of domestic cricket. Sky will also show a handful of England Lions and England women's matches, along with the 2019 World Cup in England. The deal also covers TV, mobile and online. Barney Francis, Managing Director of Sky Sports, said: 'We're passionate about our commitment to the game, including the men and women's England teams and the County set up, and we're delighted to extend our partnership with the ECB. Since 2006, our viewers have enjoyed the incredible successes of the England team, including three Ashes victories, winning the ICC World Twenty20 and becoming the number one Test team in the world. We look forward to continuing the partnership until at least 2019.' Brian Havill, the ECB acting chief executive, added: 'We are delighted that Sky have taken up their option to extend their broadcasting contract with the England and Wales Cricket Board to 2019 as it demonstrates their belief in the ECB as well as the international, women's and county game. This decision continues Sky's unwavering commitment to cricket in England and Wales at every level for a further two years.' Sky first began broadcasting live England matches in 1990 during the team's tour of the Caribbean.

Why do some Broadway shows flourish and others flop miserably like a big flopping thing? Monday night's properly hilarious announcement that the musical The Last Ship will close on 24 January after a mere four-month run, despite unusual efforts by its composer, the balding ex-milkman from Waalsend, Stink, to increase ticket sales, raises that question more than most other foundering musicals in recent years. Maybe it's simply the fact that no bugger can stand the up-his-own-arse numpty and delight in the failure of his efforts. Particularly those involving lutes. Just a suggestion. On Tuesday the show's producers, who will lose their entire fifteen million dollar investment, had no answer when asked that very question by the press. What is clear is that Stink's gamble last month — to join the cast in hopes of drawing bigger audiences — provided a short-term lift at the box office but abjectly failed to generate enough excitement for the show to last. Stink was set to stay only until 24 January anyway - as, obviously, he had other work to do ... saving the world, probably. Ticket sales for performances after that were so poor, one of the show's producers Jeffrey Seller, said in an interview on Tuesday, that shutting the show was the only option. Seller said that he had 'no theories' for why more female theatregoers (who make up about seventy percent of Broadway audiences) and 'Sting fans' (if, indeed, anyone would have such a lack of self-worth as to describe themselves thus) did not embrace The Last Ship, about the troubled lives of Tyneside shipbuilders and 'young people'. But he did say that he was wrong to focus the marketing strategy and television commercials on the shipbuilders, which Seller said he realised in hindsight, 'American audiences don't really relate to.' Meanwhile, because it's, like, so funny, let's use this as an excuse to show, once again, Jezza Paxman wiping the floor with Stink in a 2009 episode of Newsnight.

Some very sad news now: The scriptwriter and producer Brian Clemens, responsible for TV hits such as The Avengers, The New Avengers and The Professionals, has died at the age of eighty three. Clemens, honoured by The Queen in 2010 for services to broadcasting and drama, died on Saturday, his family have confirmed. One of his sons, George Clemens, said: 'He was a true inspiration.' George told the BBC: 'The world has lost a really great man who has given so much.' Brian was born in Croydon in 1931. Following National Service at Aldershot, where he was a weapons training instructor in the Royal Army Ordnance Corps Brian, according to his autobiography, wanted to be a journalist but he did not have the necessary qualifications. He was offered a job with a private detective agency, but this involved taking a training course in Leeds and, as he had been away from London for two years in the army, he declined. Instead, he worked as a messenger at the J Walter Thompson advertising agency. He later became a copywriter for company when he had a thriller screenplay accepted and filmed by the BBC in 1955, Valid For Single Journey Only. This brought him to the attention of independent, low-budget movie producers the Danziger brothers. From the mid-1950s onwards, Brian was a staff writer for the Danzigers, churning out dozens of quickie scripts for assembly-line B-movies like Three Crooked Men, The Depraved and Three Sundays To Live and filmed television series such as The Vise, Mark Saber, White Hunter, Dial 999, The Man from Interpol, The Mask Of The Clown, Richard The Lionheart and Man Of The World. He also wrote for ITC Entertainment's popular thriller series'HG Wells' The Invisible Man, Sir Francis Drake, Ghost Squad and Danger Man. Brian's output was so prolific during the late 1950s and throughout the 1960s that he frequently used the pseudonym Tony O'Grady when moonlighting for other companies or to get around various union quota rules. In 1961, he was commissioned by Sydney Newman to contribute material to Hot Snow, the pilot episode of a new ATV Saturday night crime drama, The Avengers. It was to be the beginning of a fifteen year plus association with the franchise during the majority of which period Brian (from 1964 onwards) was the series' script editor, associate producer and, effectively, showrunner (a very Twenty First Century TV term that, it could be said, Brian invented the job description for back in the 1960s). According to the British Film Institute's profile, Brian 'brought this spirit of burlesque to his other series - most notably with the BBC's Adam Adamant Lives!, but also with The Baron, The Champions, The Persuaders!, The Protectors and The Adventurer - resoundingly poking fun both at the genre they were imitating and the sources of their inspiration.' The series was originally conceived as a straightforward action-adventure vehicle for Ian Hendry, whose character, David Keel, was assisted by the mysterious John Steed, played by Patrick Macnee. When Hendry left after a year, Macnee was paired with Honor Blackman as the leather-clad Cathy Gale and a more off-beat tone emerged. After this successful transformation, and in order to be sold to America, the series began to be made on film, with Clemens becoming associate producer thanks to his experience in the medium. It was Brian who cast Diana Rigg to replace Blackman when the latter left to play Pussy Galore in Goldfinger. He was later quoted as saying: 'I didn't do Diana a very good service. It made her an international star but I think I could have done more for her as far as the script was concerned. She was rather a stooge to Patrick Macnee.' In 1972, Brian created the BBC sitcom My Wife Next Door which won a BAFTA. That same year he had his first credit on an American production with the TV movie The Woman Hunter, scripted by Clemens and his fellow ITC veteran Tony Williamson. He also created ITV's anthology series Thriller. Having formed his own production company with a fellow Avengers producer, Albert Fennell, and the composer Laurie Johnson, in 1976 Brian launched the Anglo-French-Canadian co-production The New Avengers (which made Joanna Lumley a star) and, when that ended after two series, The Professionals. Clemens also wrote for a number of American shows including Remington Steele, Perry Mason, Father Mysteries and the Highlander TV series. He wrote and produced for Hammer Films - writing 1971's superb Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde and writing and directing the hugely under-rated Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter two years later - while his later screenplay credits included Highlander II: The Quickening. In the early 1980s, he was twice asked to produce a United States version of his most successful series - The Avengers USA for Quinn Martin and The Avengers International for Taft Entertainment though neither version made it to the screen. However, he did write episodes for the ABC series Darkroom and CBS's Max Monroe: Loose Cannon. Back in the UK, he worked on Bergerac, the anthologies Hammer House of Mystery & Suspense and Worlds Beyond and adapted Gavin Lyall's espionage thriller The Secret Servant as a three-part drama for the BBC. Although Brian was best known for his work on television, his hero was the master of suspense cinema, Alfred Hitchcock. His own forays into the medium included screenplays for Operation Murder, The Tell-Tale Heart, Station Six-Sahara, The Peking Medallion, the classy Anglo-French thriller ... And Soon, The Darkness (co-written with his friend Terry Nation), See No Evil, The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad and The Watcher In The Woods. Receiving his OBE, Brian said: 'I am pleased from the point of view of all screenwriters.' Clemens, who lived near Ampthill in Bedfordshire, was also involved in The Elstree Project. A spokesman for the project said in a statement posted on its website: 'Brian gave his support and time to The Elstree Project and is featured in our documentary film, through clips from the oral history interview he gave to us, as well as the short documentary we made about the making of The Avengers at ABPC Studios in the 1960s. We are hugely grateful to Brian and send our love and support to his wife Janet and their family.' From a personal point of view, as a writer, this blogger never thought Brian was, quite, the Premier League player that he's usually described as (it's seldom his episodes of The Avengers that I tend to go back to, as opposed to Philip Levene's or Roger Marshall's, say). But he was, nevertheless, a true colossus - almost the very definition of, if you'll excuse the pun, a TV professional - who bestrode the British television industry for over forty years, wrote for half-a-dozen of this blogger's favourite series and also wrote (or co-wrote) three of Keith Telly Topping's favourite horror movies. So, this is a very sad day for many of us 'of a certain age'. Brian and his first wife, Brenda, were divorced in 1966. From 1967, his partner was the actress Diane Enright until she died in 1976. He is survived by his second wife, Janet and their two sons, Sam and George.

The actor, comedian, impressionist, writer and singer Lance Percival has died at the age of eighty one. Among his notable film roles were Carry On Cruising, On The Fiddle, Mrs Brown You've Got A Lovely Daughter, Postman's Knock, There's A Girl In My Soup and Darling Lili. A tall, thin chap with a distinctive crooked nose and prominent ears, on TV, Lance appeared in the 1970s series Shoestring, Jason King, the impression shows Who Do You Do? and You Must Be Joking and the sitcom Citizen James. He also provided the voice for both Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in the 1960s cartoon The Beatles. Born John Lancelot Blades, he died on 6 January following a long illness. His TV career began performing satirical calypso songs on comedy shows such as That Was The Week That Was. He was later given his own series, The Lance Percival Show and Lance At Large, a 1964 sitcom which also featured Bernard Bresslaw, Gladys Bacon and Eric Barker and was written by Peter Tinniswood and David Nobbs. He was also a regular voice on BBC radio on programmes such as Just A Minute throughout the 1980s. He was also the author of two books of verse, Well-Versed Cats and Well-Versed Dogs, both illustrated by Lalla Ward. Subsequently he gained a reputation as a writer, a presenter and an after-dinner speaker. Lance was born in Sevenoaks, and was educated at Sherborne School in Dorset where he learned to play the guitar. Lance then did national service with the Seaforth Highlanders as a lieutenant and was posted to Egypt. In 1955 he emigrated to Canada where he worked as an advertising copywriter, writing jingles for radio. He also formed a calypso group as Lord Lance which toured the US and Canada. In 1960 he starred with Kenneth Williams and Sheila Hancock in Peter Cook's stage revue One Over the Eight (for which he was understudied by Ken Loach). TW3's deviser Ned Sherrin plucked Lance from playing guitar at The Blue Angel Club in Mayfair and during the show's brief but hugely successful outing on the BBC during 1962 to 1963, Percival featured in political sketches and performed a regular 'instant calypso' inspired by the week's events — often suggested by members of the audience - in the manner of the West Indian singer Cy Grant. One memorable 1970s effort, made up on the spot during an episode of Parkinson began: 'The football season's started, at what a cost/Never mind the hooligans, Chelsea lost!' Gangly, with an expressive, snaggle-toothed face and a good line in funny voices, Lance was the Tory leader Sir Alec Douglas-Home to Willy Rushton's Harold Macmillan in many sketches. He was also memorable as a civil servant detecting sexual innuendoes in bureaucratese in a 1963 sketch spoofing the controversy over the junior minister Tam Galbraith beginning a letter to the mandarin John Vassall (whose homosexuality had been used to blackmail him into spying for the Soviet Union) with the words 'My Dear Vassall.' Lance's love of calypso music saw him working, like many British comics of the era, with George Martin at Parlophone, Percival had one UK chart hit - albeit a minor one - his cover version of a calypso-style song entitled 'Shame & Scandal (In The Family)' in October 1965. he recorded several other comedy songs, including 'The Beetroot Song' in 1963 written by Mitch Murray and 'The Maharajah Of Brum' (1967, written with Martin himself). Following on from voicing roles in The Beatles cartoon, he went on to be cast as the voice of Old Fred in the band's Yellow Submarine animated film. In the 1971 film version of Up Pompeii, which followed on from Frankie Howerd's TV series, Lance starred as Bilius. He also appeared in the sequels, Up The Chastity Belt and Up the Front, which moved the action to World War One. In December 1970, he was involved in a fatal car crash near Farningham, apparently while racing another driver at high speed in his Jaguar XJ on a dangerous stretch of road near Brands Hatch. Lance almost lost the sight of one eye in the incident. Lance returned to film work sustaining a film career until the early 1980s. Between 1972 and 1978 the Thames Television game show Whodunnit! was written by Percival and his friend Jeremy Lloyd, who died just two weeks before Lance. He made a variety of television appearances both as an actor and personality, including in the series Up The Workers (1974-76), The Kenneth Williams Show (1976) and Noel's House Party in the 1990s. Later roles included a stint in the shortlived 1989 BBC children's drama Bluebirds, which also starred Barbara Windsor and a young Martine McCutcheon. Lance's son Jamie told BBC News: 'When he spoke about his showbiz life, he spoke fondly of his time on That Was the Week That Was and he always loved Ned Sherrin, who discovered him performing at The Blue Angel Club. He was an amazing dad. He was involved in my life right up to the present day. He came to every rugby game I was in, and we watched sports together and we held Ryder Cup parties. He was loved by all his family and will be very much missed.'

The first record yer actual Elvis Presley ever made has sold at auction for three hundred thousand dollars. An unnamed buyer placed the winning bid online for the 78rpm recording of 'My Happiness', the first time it has come up for public sale. The auction was held at Presley's former home Graceland on what would have been his eightieth birthday. Presley recorded the ballad in 1953 when he was eighteen-years-old. He wanted to find out what his voice sounded like on record and paid four dollars for the session to record 'My Happiness' and 'That's When Your Heartaches Begin' onto acetate. Presley was said to have made the recording partly as a present for his mother. But the family did not have a record player, so he took it to his friend Ed Leek's house to listen to the results of the session and left it there. Leek kept the record in a safe for sixty years and after he and his wife died their niece Lorisa Hilburn inherited it. Hilburn from Florida was surprised but 'very happy' with how much the record sold for. 'There was adrenaline beforehand but when it was over, I was numb,' she said. She plans to use some of the money to put her sons through college.
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, it's been a while since we've had a decent slice of the 'sis.

Filming has begun on the ninth series of yer actual Doctor Who with a two-part script by Toby Whithouse his very self. The two-parter will be directed by Daniel O'Hara. As previously announced, Paul Kaye will play a prominent guest role in the two episodes, whilst the additional cast includes Arsher Ali, Morven Christie and Colin McFarlane. 'As a kid of the 1970's, the two shows you always watched were Top Of The Pops and Doctor Who, they were unmissable,' said Kaye. 'I actually wrote a song called 'Looking for Davros' in my first punk band and I sang it like a demented Dalek.' he added. 'I got to present TOTP back in the mid-nineties and landing this role in Doctor Who completes the dream double. Peter is a perfect Doctor and I'm loving every minute of the experience, even the five hours in make-up. What a treat - best fiftieth birthday present ever!' Sophie Stone, Zaqi Ismail, Steven Robertson and Neil Fingleton make up the rest of the cast for the two episodes which are, as yet, unnamed. 'An amazing guest cast for a brilliantly creepy two-parter by Toby Whithouse,' said The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat. 'Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman are back in Cardiff, back in the box and back in action - for one of our scariest adventures yet!' Capaldi added: 'The adventures begin again for myself and Jenna and I'm delighted to be back filming my second series of Doctor Who.'
Doctor Who could be filming in Spain for part of series nine. Director of photography Ali Asad confirmed on Twitter that he was on 'a location recce' in Spain, after announcing his involvement with two episodes of the series earlier this month. He previously wrote: 'I am a huge Doctor Who fan from the age of twelve. It is a dream come true to be asked to shoot a block of series nine. It's going to be fantastic.'Doctor Who has previously filmed in Spain on several occasions as far back as Planet Of Fire in 1984, including series eight episode Kill The Moon which was partly shot on Lanzarote. Matt Smith's Doctor also filmed there twice, for both A Town Called Mercy and Asylum Of The Daleks. The series nine première of Doctor Who is called The Magician's Apprentice and is written by Steven Moffat his very self.
Russell Davies has admitted that working on Doctor Who has discouraged him from ever committing to another multi-series television project. Big Rusty told the Radio Times that he never expected the revived BBC family SF drama to last more than one series when it launched in 2005. 'I thought Doctor Who would last a year and I was going to write the gay men drama after that,' he explained. 'But it just became this huge rollercoaster that made me determined never to do a second series again.'
Big Rusty has also said that he 'fears' for the future of the BBC if a Conservative government wins the 2015 General Election. Which, like as not they're going to, as much due the significant deficiencies of the opposition as anything they, themselves, have done to actually deserve re-election. The former Doctor Who showrunner claimed that the Tory party has created a situation where the licence fee may never be increased and that the Corporation is now under 'genuine threat' of extinction. 'When the Conservatives got in, practically the first visitor David Cameron had was Rupert Murdoch, practically the first thing they did was freeze the licence fee with no consultation whatsoever,' Davies told a Broadcasting Press Guild lunch this week. 'They attacked it immediately. If they win the next election they will do the same thing again. [The BBC] is under constant attack now. We are in a situation where the licence fee will never go up. I cannot imagine a rise being allowed now. And, I genuinely believe in the BBC for its cultural worth. I think it is a magnificent powerhouse and I fear for it. Twenty years ago you couldn't have a conversation where you could see the writing on the wall. Now there are powerful voices ranged against it.' Asked what would happen if the BBC were scrapped he said that 'writers will still write, programmes will still be made even if it's in our bedrooms.' He added: 'Missing the BBC will be like missing the NHS. Everything that arrives in your home will be a commercial product and I don't think that's right.' He said that he has never worked for Sky but wouldn't rule out working for the company, even though it is thirty nine per cent owned by News Corp chairman and billionaire tyrant Murdoch. Russell added: 'Equally, I haven't been beating down their door.' He said that during his five-year tenure working as the Doctor Who showrunner was a 'marvellous' experience. 'I genuinely love the BBC. When I worked at BBC I had a riot of a time. I would never criticise the BBC.'

Meanwhile, the BBC's Director General, Tony Hall, has warned staff that the corporation will face 'naked bullying' and have its independence challenged in the run-up to the general erection and the renewal of its royal charter. Speaking to staff in Central London on Wednesday, Hall said that the corporation was at a moment of 'high risk.' He said: 'There may be some – I hope only a few – who try to use the impending charter review to influence our coverage of politics in this most sensitive of political years. We will never let that happen, because to do so would betray the public and the ideals of the BBC.' Hall said that he accepted the corporation would sometimes 'get things wrong,' adding: 'It's inevitable – and we will reflect and put things right where we have. But we will never confuse justifiable complaints with naked bullying. There will be others who just want to join in a vital debate about public broadcasting with ideas for change and reform. I want them to know that we will listen and learn and reflect on what we hear.' Hall appealed to staff to 'help us make our case' by 'spending every penny of the licence fee as if it were your own' and 'by speaking up for the BBC against those who would bring it down.'

The upcoming special episode of Sherlock has been alluded to by yer actual Mark Gatiss on Twitter. The drama's co-creator and director Douglas Mackinnon have both tweeted an on-camera image, along with quotes from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes Christmas story The Adventure Of The Blue Carbuncle, suggesting that short stories is what the special may be, at least partly, based on. Posting the same image, Mackinnon tweeted: 'The stars were shining coldly in a cloudless sky.'
It's being kept a closely guarded secret, but rumours are rife that the sprawling Tyntesfield Estate near Bristol is being used as a location for the new series of Sherlockaccording to the Bristol Post. The estate is closed until 26 January for filming on something, but bosses at the National Trust are staying tight-lipped about what, specifically, the Gothic mansion is being used for. Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self were in Bristol earlier in January, spotted entering the Colston Hall.

Top Gear's executive producer has suggested that the BBC 'does not trust' the show after 2014 proved to be its 'annus horribilis'. That means 'horrible year' in case you were wondering. And not'bum, year' as the Sun once claimed when the Queen used the term to describe a particularly difficult year for the Royal Family. That was be annus anus. Anus horribilis, incidentally, means horrible bum. Anyway, speaking to Broadcast magazine, Andy Wilman defended the programme's record, after a year in which it was embroiled in several - mainly media-created - rows. He admitted that the Burma special, where Jezza Clarkson used the racial term 'slope', was 'not defensible.' But, he added that he was 'bored' of defending the recent two-part special in Argentina. The Patagonia episodes sparked controversy in South America allegedly over a car number plate that, it was claimed, appeared to refer to the Falklands War. The Top Gear crew were chased out of Argentina by former veterans and the incident drew vocal complaints from Argentina's ambassador to the UK. Who, seemingly, had no problem whatsoever with the violence threatened against the crew. 'The number plates were a coincidence,' Wilman insisted, adding that he would never 'jeopardise a whole show' by 'winding up' war veterans. Asked whether Top Gear received enough support from the BBC when it is under fire from the Daily Mirra and the Gruniad Morning Star and the Daily Scum Mail, the magazine says that Wilman paused for several seconds. 'Sometimes yes, sometimes no,' he finally replied. 'What the BBC like about Top Gear is when it's naughty but it's all under control. If your show is a bit wayward and naughty, there's an attitude within it. We walk a tightrope most of the time. Sometimes we're going to fall off it. And if you do, that's when the BBC is not a fan. Sometimes, I feel they don't trust us at heart.' However, Wilman insisted that Top Gear's track record was far better than its reputation suggested, pointing out that Ofcom had only ever found it to be in breach of the Broadcasting Code twice since 2002. 'You can't achieve that kind of record if the show itself isn't smart about what it's doing,' he said. One of those Ofcom rulings came after the Burma special last year. The programme featured a segment in which the hosts built a bridge on the River Kwai. Admiring his handiwork as a local man walked across it, Clarkson remarked: 'That is a proud moment. But there's a slope on it.' Ofcom, who investigated after two viewers complained - that's two viewers, out of an audience of seven million - said that the use of the word 'slope' was offensive and 'not justified by context.'Top Gear remains popular despite the controversies, holding a Guinness Record for the most-watched factual programme in the world. Speaking to Broadcast, Wilman said: 'I got that wrong because I thought it was a sort of Commando-mad, John Wayne-type film, sort of movie slang. I didn't realise it would be offensive in a bigger way. I didn't check it enough and therefore didn't refer it [to the BBC's editorial policy unit]. If I'd have done that, then it wouldn't have happened.' Wilman, who was given a warning about the incident and sent on an editorial standards course, insisted Top Gear's travails did not put its future in jeopardy. 'I would hope and think we would continue,' he said, adding that conversations about a deal for a new series on BBC2 were currently 'ongoing. We're still talking to them and our appetite is still there. We love the BBC - the notion and principle of the BBC. It's a wonderful place to be. They're willing [to recommission Top Gear] because the show is working and it's still a good thing to have in the mix. I could do with a bit less telling off, but there you go.'

William Shatner will narrate the new series of Clangers. The Star Trek actor will appear in the contemporary take on the classic and much-loved children's animation series, Deadline has reported. The BBC is in the process of co-producing the twenty six-episode series with the US pre-school network, Sprout. Sandy Wax, the president of the network, said that Shatner will add 'humour and wink in the show,' adding that The Shat's voice 'kind of felt comfortable in outer space.' Michael Palin was previously announced as being the narrator of the remake in September. It is unclear at this time if Shatner's signing means that the former Monty Python's Flying Circus regular and national treasure is no longer involved with the project, or whether he and The Shat will be voicing the series in different territories. Created by the great Oliver Postgate and his Smallfilms partner Peter Firmin, Clangers was originally broadcast in two series - twenty six episodes - between 1969 and 1972 on the BBC. An election special - Vote For Froglet - was also shown in October 1974.
Broadchurch dropped to its lowest-ever overnight ratings on Monday. The second episode of ITV drama's second series dipped by over 1.6 million viewers from the previous episode, falling to an average 5.57m at 9pm. Richard Wilson's On the Road appealed to 2.88m at 8pm. Earlier in the day, Mel & Sue launched with eight hundred and eighty eight thousand at 4pm. BBC1's Inside Out returned for a new series with 4.17m at 7.30pm, while Panorama gathered 2.95m at 8.30pm. Silent Witness's audience was just behind Broadchurch, attracting 5.49m at 9pm. On BBC2, University Challenge was watched by 3.06m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 2.43m at 8.30pm. Hands up who got The Rutles question, then? Just yer actual Keith Telly Topping, eh? Horizon was seen by 1.87m at 9pm, while Odious, Worthless, Unfunny Lanky Streak Of Rancid Piss Jack Whitehall's Backchat drew a depressing 1.11m at 10pm. Channel Four's Dispatches interested 1.51m at 8pm, while Food Unwrapped was seen by 1.86m at 8.30pm. The Undateables continued with 1.62m at 9pm, followed by Bodyshockers with 1.13m at 10pm. On Channel Five Storage: Flog The Lot! attracted five hundred and forty two thousand at 8pm, while Celebrity Big Brother's latest dreadful doings was watched by the lowest audience yet for the current series, 1.97m at 9pm.
Silent Witness remained top of the overnight ratings on Tuesday. The long-running BBC1 crime drama was seen by an average audience of 6.33 million at 9pm. Later, Count Arthur Strong was watched by 1.62m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Nature's Weirdest Events brought in 2.40m at 8pm, followed by Horizon with 1.81m at 9pm. ITV's River Monsters interested 2.11m at 7.30pm, while Britain's Best Back Gardens attracted a mere 2.05m at 8pm. Wonder Of Britain was seen by 1.65m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Weighing Up The Enemy gathered seven hundred and ninety six thousand punters at 8pm, followed by Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody with 1.25m at 9pm. Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell had an audience of eight hundred and seventy nine thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Secrets Of The Tea Chimps was seen by nine hundred and fifty three thousand at 8pm. Celebrity Big Brother improved, slightly, from Monday's overnight figure to 2.13m at 9pm. The drama Suspects returned with seven hundred and six thousand at 10pm. On E4, The One Hundred continued with six hundred and forty eight thousand at 9pm, followed by Supernatural with two hundred and fifty three thousand at 10pm.

Channel Four's Angry, White & Proud depressingly attracted over 1.5 million viewers on a quiet Wednesday evening, overnight data suggests. The documentary was seen by an average 1.52m at 10pm. Earlier, Restoration Man brought in 1.89m at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours In A&E was seen by 1.87m at 9pm. On BBC1, live FA Cup football coverage on a Match Of The Day special topped the night with 3.92m from 7.30pm. Which gives you some idea of just what a quiet night it was all round. On BBC2, Nature's Weirdest Events brought in 1.92m at 8pm, followed by Horizon with 1.80m at 9pm. ITV's repeat of Midsomer Murders Danish adventure appealed to 2.96m at 8pm. On Channel Five, He Left Me For My Mother drew 1.41m at 8pm, followed by Celebrity Big Brother with 2.31m at 9pm and Suspects with seven hundred and ten thousand at 10pm. BBC4's documentary Life Of A Mountain interested eight hundred and ninety thousand at 9pm.

Death In Paradise easily won the Thursday overnight ratings outside soaps. The BBC1 drama attracted an average 6.72 million viewers at 9pm, down around two hundred thousand from last week's series opener. Earlier, Watchdog appealed to 3.85m at 8pm, while Question Time was seen by 2.99m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Masters Snooker coverage scored 1.02m at 7pm, followed by Nature's Weirdest Events with 1.67m at 8pm. Super Rich & Us interested 1.61m at 9pm, while the finale of Never Mind The Buzzcocks was watched by nine hundred and nine thousand at 10pm. ITV's Kyle Files attracted 2.45m at 7.30pm. Wretched, rotten as a stinking pile of diarrhoea Birds Of A Feather had an audience of 4.22m at 8.30pm and Bring Back Borstal was seen by 1.76m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Location, Location, Location gathered 1.89m at 8pm, followed by Maisie Williams's one-off drama Cyberbully with 1.09m at 9pm. Channel Five's Benefits had 1.16m at 8pm, followed by Celebrity Big Brother with 2.38m at 9pm. Botched Up Bodies brought in nine hundred and forty three thousand at 10pm. On E4, The Big Bang Theory continued with 1.62m at 8.30pm.
With an average overnight audience of 4.47 million, BBC1's The ONE Show was Friday evening's highest-rated show outside of soaps. It was followed by 3.79 million for A Question Of Sport at 7.30pm. BBC1's evening continued with 3.69 million for Room 101 and 3.39 million for The Musketeers at 9pm. The Graham Norton Show rounded the evening off with 3.6 million at 10.35pm. ITV's Benidorm was close to matching The ONE Show's figures, securing an average audience of 4.42 million at 9pm. It was preceded by The Martin Lewis Money Show with 2.85 million (12.6%). BBC2's live snooker coverage played to 1.10 million at 7pm, followed by an evening high of 2.18 million for Mastermind at 8pm and 1.41 million for Food And Drink. The Big Allotment Challenge continued with 1.59 million at 9pm, while Qi was seen by 1.48 million at 10pm. Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown continued to top Channel Four ratings, entertaining 1.72 million at 9pm. Celebrity Big Brother: Shock Arrival was, appallingly, watched by nearly three million people with nothing better to do with their time. The live episode, which saw Chloe Goodman leave the house and Katie Price enter, apparently, was viewed by an average audience of 2.91 million from 9pm on Channel Five. Channel Five also secured three hundred and four thousand punters for Race To The Pole at 7pm, followed by seven hundred and eighty eight thousand for Ice Road Truckers at 8pm. Agatha Christie's Marple was among the most popular multichannel shows, securing an average audience of five hundred and ninety six thousand on ITV3 at 8pm.

Comedy line of the week came from Friday's Qi when Jimmy Carr and Alan Davies pointed out the oddities inherent in a backdrop photo used for one part of the show which featured deer and seals in the same habitat. 'That's a zoo with an enclosure that's just gone "stick 'em in together. There's been some budget cuts, they can work it out"' noted Jimmy who, as usual when he's on Qi was on rather good form. 'Some of those need water!' he continued. Stephen Fry getting Pete Townshend and Pete Waterman mixed up at one point was also an unexpected bonus. Sadly, for the second time this series, the XL edition will not be shown for a while due to BBC2's seemingly obsession in covering sodding snooker. Ridiculous.
Meanwhile, Stephen Fry has married his fiancé Elliott Spencer. Stephen shared the news on Twitter on Saturday afternoon along with a photo of the happy couple. Everyone at From The North sends Stephen and Elliott our sincere best wishes for the future.
Many baffled viewers in Britain and Ireland took to Twitter on Saturday afternoon wondering why a feature on Tony Pulis and West Bromwich Albinos was stuck on a, seemingly permanent, loop during Sky Sports'Soccer Saturday. Eight times over almost half-an-hour viewers were treated to the sage thoughts of Andre Wisdom on West Brom's new manager when they should have been watching Paul Merson's latest attempt to mangle the English language into submission, Champagne Charlie Nicholas's inability to pronounce the word 'situation' properly or big-nosed Scouse glake Phil Thompson using 'my goodness' fourteen times in every sentence. The reason? Seemingly, a fire drill at the worst possible time.
The Voice rose to nearly eight and a half million overnight viewers on BBC1 on Saturday. The singing competition attracted 8.46m from 7pm, an increase of more than four hundred thousand punters compared to last week's series premiere. The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List followed with 4.92m, before Casualty was watched by 5.04m. Earlier Now You See It maintained the majority of its audience with 4.75m whilst, at the end of the evening Match Of The Day (featuring yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved - though unsellable - Magpies getting a damned good hiding off Southampton) had 3.78m. BBC2's snooker coverage averaged 1.31m across the night. On ITV, Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes looks to be turning into exactly the twenty four carat disaster that many commentators predicted pre-series. The second episode of the reboot lost over a million overnight punters week-on-week, attracting but 2.28m viewers. That's two and a quarter million viewers for an ITV primetime Saturday night show in the middle of January. Tonight, Harry, I'm going to be struggling to get to the end of the series without being quietly put into the long grass to die. As part of an ITV Saturday night line-up which also included risible, pointless Take Me Out - 3.07m overnight viewers watched professional Northern berk Paddy McGuinness's latest gormless pile of stale toss - one could suggest that, if you will make crass, ignorant lowest-common-denominator rubbish like these two, you're just asking for everything you get. Or, indeed, don't get. A screening of Bridget Jones's Diary drew 1.3m from 9.20pm afterwards. Channel Four broadcast the movie The Sweeney (that was the crap Ray Winstone version rather than the original) from 9pm, averaging 1.52m. On Channel Five, a CSI repeat of the series fourteen finale appealed to five hundred and sixty nine thousand from 8pm, before the latest Celebrity Big Brother episode was gawped at by 2.24m. The multichannels were topped by ITV3's Midsomer Murders, which garnered 1.24m from 8pm. BBC1 had an all day share of a fraction under thirty per cent, compared to ITV's woeful 11.4 per cent.

The audience for the new series of Call The Midwife was down from last year's launch but still easily topped the overnight ratings on Sunday. The BBC1 period drama attracted an average of 8.31 million viewers at 8pm, down from last year's overnight of 9.61m and 2013's rating of 9.32m. Earlier, Countryfile appealed to 7.01m at 6.30pm, followed by Still Open All Hours with 7.12m at 7.30pm. Last Tango In Halifax continued with 6.24m at 9pm, while Match Of The Day 2 ended a strong line-up for the channel with 2.74m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Snooker Masters final coverage was seen by 1.88m at 7pm, followed by repeats of Britain's Flying Past with nine hundred and sixty two thousand at 9pm and Qi with nine hundred and sixty five thousand at 10pm. As on Saturday, BBC1 had the whupping of their ITV rivals right across peaktime viewing, making it a thoroughly miserable weekend for the commercial broadcaster ratings-wise. On ITV, following the laughably disastrous ratings for Stars In Their Eyes the night before, their new 'entertainment' format Get Your Shit Together opened with a piss poor 2.57m at 6.45pm, while the final Foyle's War episode gathered 3.54m at 9pm. Channel Four's Secret Agent With Phil Spencer interested nine hundred and eighty one thousand at 7pm, followed by The Hotel with 1.30m at 8pm and Walking The Nile with 1.73m at 9pm. On Channel Five, My Super Ex-Girlfriend brought in eight hundred and nine thousand at 7pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.79m at 9pm, whilst a broadcast of Amanda Seyfried's Gone was seen by nine hundred and twenty two thousand at 10pm. BBC3's repeat of The Voice attracted six hundred and sixty nine thousand at 7.30pm.

And then there's the consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Three programmes for the week-ending Sunday 11 January 2015:-
1 Broadchurch - Mon ITV - 10.40m
2 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 9.05m
3 Death In Paradise - Thurs BBC1 - 8.921m
4 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.71m
5 Silent Witness - Tues BBC1 - 8.59m
6 EastEnders - Tues BBC1 - 8364m
7 Still Open All Hours - Sun BBC1 - 7.12m
8 Emmerdale - Fri ITV - 7.09m
9 Last Tango In Halifax - Sun BBC1 - 7.07m
10 Six O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 6.53m
11 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 6.22m
12 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.87m
13 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 5.85m
14 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 5.66m
15 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.65m
16 FA Cup: Match of The Day Live - Mon BBC1 - 5.57m
17 Now You See It - Sun BBC1 - 5.16m
18= Foyle's War - Sun ITV - 5.08m*
18= Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 5.08m
20 The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List - Sat BBC1 - 5.00m
21 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.81m
22 The Musketeers - Fri BBC1 - 4.78m
23 Benidorm - Fri ITV - 4.75m*
As usual, these figures do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. Aside from Broadchurch, Corrie, Emmerdale, Foyle's War and Benidorm, the only ITV programme across the entire week to pull in a consolidated audience of more than four million punters was the rotten as diarrhoea Birds Of A Feather (4.07m). For those who wish to have a damned good laugh, their twin Saturday night flops Harry Hill's Star In Their Eyes and Take Me Out drew consolidated audiences of 3.14m and 3.04m respectively. BBC2's highest-rated programme of the week was Billionaire's Paradise: Inside Necker Island with 3.27 million. Next came Six Puppies & Us with 3.18 million and University Challenge with 2.68 million. Following those, the channel's coverage of some fat blokes chucking about Darts attracted 2.57m, Dad's Army drew 2.42 million, followed by Only Connect (2.27m), Super Cars Versus Used Cars: The Trade Off (2.22m), Mastermind (2.19m), The Super Rich & Us (2.06m), Britain's Tudor Treasure (1.97m) and Qi (1.87m). The Undateables was Channel Four's most watched broadcast with 2.54m, followed by Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown (2.43m) and Restoration Man (2.35m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were dominated by Celebrity Big Brother the most watched episode being Wednesday - 3.44m. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's most-watched programme with 1.10m viewers. The return for a fifth series of the French thriller Spiral drew BBC4's largest audience of the week (1.01m whilst the second episode had nine hundred and thirteen thousand), with The Inca: Masters Of The Clouds being watched by five hundred and ninety three thousand. Storage Hunters on Dave was seen by four hundred and thirty three thousand. The FOX Channel's début of series twelve of NCIS attracted eight hundred and fifty four thousand whilst an old episode of the same drama was also the Universal Channel's most watched programme with one hundred and forty nine thousand. BBC3's weekly best-of list was, again, topped by a movie - Marvel Avengers Assemble (1.01m). Stalker was Sky Living's highest-rated show with six hundred and sixty five thousand.

Last Sunday's Golden Globe Awards ceremony was watched by an overnight audience of 19.3 million people in America, down eight per cent on last year's overnight of almost twenty one million. According to Nielsen Media Research, viewer ratings also fell in the eighteen to forty nine age bracket, the group which advertisers are most keen to attract. The seventy second annual awards ceremony, hosted by comedians Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for the third and final time, was on NBC. The pair drew 19.7 million viewers when they first hosted the show in 2013. Last year's 20.9 million was a ten-year high for the Golden Globes. This year, on top of the TV ratings, the hosts' opening monologue - which made several close-to-the-knuckle jokes about Bill Cosby - has also attracted 3.5 million views on YouTube. Fey and Poehler took over the hosting role from British comedian Ricky Gervais, who presented the Globes from 2010 to 2012. Fey and Poehler both found fame on Saturday Night Live. Fey went on to create and star in the hit US sitcom Thirty Rock and her new show, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, is due to begin broadcasting in March this year. Poehler stars as Leslie Knope in the comedy series Parks And Recreation.

Producers of Coronation Street have reportedly dropped the actress Katie Redford, after claims that she lied about her age to win the part of a fourteen-year-old. ITV announced that Redford was joining the soap last week, playing the role of Bethany Platt, the granddaughter to Gail McIntyre. A press release, issued on Friday, described the actress as being nineteen years old. However, a bunch of right nosey-parkers on the Digital Spy website forum then promptly 'unearthed' a variety of evidence online which appeared to suggest that Redford is, actually, twenty five. And, they subsequently lost little time in grassing her up like a bunch of snitching Copper's Narks. Which, to be fair, was quite funny to watch. While much of the 'evidence' has since - mysteriously - disappeared from the Internet, a former online CV for Redford - which is still available to view online as a cached version - listed her date of birth as 2 March 1989. Redford's Twitter username also previously read 'katieredford89' before being changed. In a short - and rather terse - statement over the weekend, Coronation Street has confirmed that it would be 'investigating the discrepancy.' A spokeswoman for the actress later confirmed that she had auditioned 'as a nineteen-year-old.' Producers say they only became aware of this 'discrepancy' at the weekend. As a result, ITV announced on Monday morning: 'Coronation Street have taken the decision to recast the part of Bethany Platt.' It is understood that producers have another actress in mind for the role and there will not be another protracted audition process. The character of Bethany was last seen in the series in 2007 when she moved to Italy with her mother, Sarah Louise. Bethany was previously played by three child actors - Mia Cookson and Amy and Emily Walton. In its press release last week ITV stated: 'Nottingham-born Katie, nineteen, will début as tearaway teenager Bethany this spring when she arrives, unannounced, in Weatherfield from her home in Milan.' It also contained a quote from Redford who said that the role was 'a dream come true' and continued, with almost uncanny foresight: 'Until I'm actually on set, I genuinely don't think it will sink in that I'm joining the cast of Coronation Street.' The actress, who trained at the National Youth Theatre, had not filmed any scenes before the decision was taken to drop her from the show.

American fans of British television can rest easy on their sofas. Following numerous media reports that Netflix and the BBC were parting ways, the streaming service has clarified that many of its most popular British series are staying put. In response to headlines that series like Doctor Who, Luther, The Office and others were going to be dropped from the service at the end of the month, a Netflix spokeswoman has told Variety that such reports were entirely false. What? The press printing things that are not true? Surely not? Among the shows that will still be available on Netflix are Doctor Who, Luther, several recent series of Top Gear, Torchwood, Wallander, The Office and House Of Cards series. Oh, and Keeping Up Appearances as well. Sorry about the last one. The deal in question did not involve series including Sherlock, Happy Valley, The Honorable Woman and Call The Midwife all of which will also still be available for viewing on Netflix. As can Monarch Of The Glen and Robin Hood. Fans should, however, plan to enjoy Fawlty Towers, Blackadder, [spooks] and Red Dwarf before 1 February when those will no longer be available.
One of the regular CSI characters will reportedly be killed during the season fifteen finale. The character's fate will come at the hands of The Gig Harbour Killer during the finale episode, reports TV Guide. George Eads, who has played Nick Stokes since the show's first episode, is reported to be leaving during the season fifteen finale, but his character will not, apparently, be the one to die. Other reports claim the the character to die will be someone who has been with the series since its first season, which narrows the field down somewhat. It is thought that Eads's exit will leave open the possibility of future visits to CSI. That's if the series continues beyond the current run, something which is far from certain at this time. Eric Roberts will reappear in the season finale as Brother Daniel Larson, a character who previously appeared in two 2013 episodes. According to CBS president Nina Tassler, the future of the procedural drama is 'still undecided.' Questions about the long-running drama have swirled since CSI's episode order was reduced from twenty two to eighteen in March last year and star Ted Danson accepted a role in the next series of Fargo.
The Blacklist's upcoming two-part special will feature a number of guest stars. Academy Award nominee David Strathairn and The West Wing's Janel Moloney (a particular favourite of all of us at From The North) will appear in the first episode, which will be shown in the US immediately after the Super Bowl. According to Entertainment Weekly, Strathairn will appear as The Director, while Moloney will play Kat Goodson, who is liaison to the director of NCS. The second episode will star Gloria Reuben as Doctor Selma Orchard, who is brought in to work with the episode's villain Luther Braxton (played by Ron Perlman).
Gotham has cast Rob Gorrie as Robin's father. The actor, who has previously starred in One Life To Live and As The World Turns, will play John Grayson, Dick Grayson's father, the ComicBook.com website reports. Gorrie had announced the news that he had joined the cast of the FOX drama, but his role was previously unspecified. Showrunner Bruno Heller announced that Gotham would introduce Robin's parents back in November. The network recently announced that Gotham would return for a second run after the series premiere secured FOX's highest-rated fall drama début in fourteen years, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
The premiere date of Hannibal's season three is to be delayed. The NBC psychological drama, which had been expected to begin broadcasting mid-season, will now be pushed back until the summer of 2015. NBC entertainment chairman Robert Greenblatt is quoted by EW as saying: 'It's a show we love, it's critically acclaimed, we love it. And we also love summer. We have exciting plans for summer.' Richard Armitage has been cast in the new season of Hannibal as Francis Dolarhyde, The serial killer known as The Tooth Fairy.
A new 24 mini-series could be in the works, however it may potentially, be without leading man yer actual Kiefer Sutherland. FOX chairman Dana Walden said at the TCAs press tour this week that 'discussions' have taken place about bringing back the real-time series in 2016, but Sutherland may not be involved. Which, frankly, is a bit like Jaws without the shark.

Kyle MacLachlan will reprise his role as Special Agent Dale Cooper in the new series of cult drama Twin Peaks it has been confirmed. The Showtime network revealed the news at a Television Critics Association meeting in California, where the actor made a cameo appearance. 'I think you need a damn good cup of coffee,' he said, referring to one of Cooper's catchphrases. 'I'm very excited to return to the strange and wonderful world of Twin Peaks,' MacLachlan said. He added: 'May the forest be with you.'Twin Peaks co-creator David Lynch later announced the news on Twitter. The third series will be broadcast on Showtime in 2016. It will come twenty five years after the first two series, which were shown in 1990 and 1991. A prequel film, the fantastically weird Fire Walk With Me, was released in 1992. The unsettling drama explored the murky goings-on in a small US town after the murder of teenage beauty queen Laura Palmer. The show won three Golden Globe awards in 1991, including best TV drama series and best actor for MacLachlan. The actor went on to forge a successful TV and film career after Twin Peaks, with credits including Agents Of Shield, The Good Wife, The Doors, Portlandia, Desperate Housewives and Sex And The City. Sheryl Lee, who played Laura Palmer (and her cousin, Maddy Ferguson), was this week given the all-clear by David Lynch to announce that both she and Dana Ashbook, who played Bobby Briggs, will both be part of the cast for the third series. well, she did promise she'd be back in twenty five years.
Woody Allen is to create his first ever television series. Amazon has commissioned the Oscar-winning film-maker to write and direct a full season of an as yet unnamed show for its Amazon Prime Instant Video service. 'I don't know how I got into this,' the Annie Hall and Manhattan director said in a statement. 'I have no ideas and I'm not sure where to begin.' Try the beginning, Wood, that's usually the best place. The half-hour episodes will be available to Amazon Prime subscribers in the US, UK and Germany in 2016. Amazon won its first two Golden Globes on Sunday for its dark comedy Transparent, a show about a family dealing with a father who is transgender. Amazon Studios vice president Roy Price said it was 'an honour' to be working with Allen. 'Woody is a visionary creator who has made some of the greatest films of all-time,' he said. Especially the early, funny ones. 'From Annie Hall to Blue Jasmine, Woody has been at the creative forefront of American cinema and we couldn't be more excited to premiere his first TV series exclusively on Prime Instant Video next year.' Amazon is currently locked in a battle with Netflix for supremacy in the video streaming market. Four more original Amazon series will make their debuts in 2015, including police drama Bosch, Red Oaks, a comedy series set in the 1980s and psychological drama Hand Of God. They will join the children's series Wishenpoof! and a second season of Transparent. The show, starring Arrested Development actor Jeffrey Tambor alongside Gaby Hoffmann and Jay Duplass, was named best comedy series at the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday. And Tambor took home the award for best actor in a comedy series for his portrayal of Maura Pfefferman.

BBC2 has won the rights to broadcast the American conspiracy thriller series Odyssey. Broadcast Now reports that the channel bid for the rights at the LA Screenings for the show, which is produced by Red Arrow Entertainment's UK arm for NBC. The series is loosely based on Homer's epic poem of the same name and stars yer actual Anna Friel, Peter Facinelli and Jake Robinson. Peter Horton, Adam Armus and Kay Foster are the show's creators. Odyssey follows the story of a team of US soldiers led by Friel who kill a key Al-Qaeda commander in a gunfight with jihadists, before discovering that a major US corporation is funding the terrorists. BBC2 controller Kim Shillinglaw and head of programme acquisitions Sue Deeks made the deal with NBC Universal International Television Distribution, ahead of the programme's broadcast in the US in April.
Outlander's Caitriona Balfe and Sam Heughan ended Friday's Outlander panel at the Television Critics Association Winter Press Tour by commenting on the Starz drama's most-controversial scene to date: One of the upcoming scenes which people are most interested in features Jamie Fraser spanking Claire Randall for not obeying his orders. 'We all knew a lot of people would be very interested in how we would tackle it,' Balfe said of the memorable moment from Diana Gabaldon's novel. 'First and foremost, we have to remember that you have to look at it in the mind-frame of 1743. It's very hard as a modern person to see this is okay under any circumstances.' Unless, of course, it's between consenting adults in a loving, yet experimental, relationship and in the privacy of their own home. In which case, it's quite good fun. Or, so this blogger has heard, anyway. Where were we? Oh yes, the seventeen forties. 'In 1743, this was a very justified form of punishment that a husband would [dole] out,' she continued. 'But we wanted to not take it lightly, We wanted to approach it very respectfully. We talked a lot about it, we met a few times, we choreographed it quite well. When it came to the day, we tried to give it the respect it deserved. For Claire, she finds it very hard to sort of wrap her mind around this man that she's fallen in love with, what he's about to do.' Balfe added. 'What I loved about it was that we took time afterwards, that in the context of their marriage, they had to figure out a way to get past this.'
Raymond Briggs's classic family story Fungus The Bogeyman is getting a small screen makeover on Sky1 later this year. Four hour-long episodes producer by Imaginarium Studios will be broadcast this Christmas, mixing live action with animation to bring the popular children's character to life. The press release for the commission reveals: 'This charming family adventure is a story of smelly monsters, dangerous humans and what happens when the things that go bump in the night move in next door. We follow Fungus as he goes through his paces, menacing and frightening those on the surface (the Dry Cleaners) as Bogeymen are meant to do and have always done. Unlike other Bogeyman, Fungus has to navigate his world colliding with our above ground world. Over the course of the four episodes Fungus and his son Mould journey through the maze of life on the surface, while also discovering the highs and lows of their father and son relationship.' Adam MacDonald's the director of Sky1 said: 'I'm beyond excited that Sky1 and Imaginarium Studios will be bringing the Raymond Briggs classic Fungus The Bogeyman squelchingly up to date as a top quality, ambitious and joyous family treat for our customers.'

Jeremy Jackson has accepted a police caution for common assault following that incident with Chloe Goodman on Celebrity Big Brother. The former Baywatch actor (well, a bloke who was inBaywatch, anyway, it's difficult with all conscience to call anybody who was in that show and 'actor'per se) was extremely removed from the house on Saturday. This occurred after 'an altercation' took place between him and the model when she entered the bathroom to help him after he started violently vomiting copious amounts of rich brown phlegm. Local police were, apparently, 'contacted by viewers' - with nothing better to do with their time, seemingly - who were said to be 'concerned' by the incident. A spokesman for Hertfordshire Police said on Monday: 'We were made aware of an alleged incident that took place in the Big Brother house in Borehamwood in the early hours of Saturday 10 January.' Which suggests that the poliss, themselves, weren't watching. And that, rather restores one faith in them, so it does. They've got better things to do with their time, clearly. 'We are currently working with the programme's producers as part of our enquiries. It would be inappropriate to comment any further at this time.' Jackson reportedly 'met' with police officers on Monday - for tea and biscuits, perhaps - and accepted a caution for common assault as a condition of admitting to the offence. The actor subsequently claimed that the incident arose because he was 'interested in bikini design.' Yeah, well, that sounds completely credible. He told ITV's This Morning: 'My intentions were based on a relationship that Chloe and I had built regarding her swimming suits and how many of them she had and how many times she had changed them on the show.' Even Phillip Schofield wasn't buying that. Fellow housemate Ken Morley was also removed from the Elstree compound during the broadcasting of Monday night's episode. He was ejected for repeating a particular word (beginning with 'n') following an earlier formal warning about use of racially pejorative and sexually explicit language in the house. Speaking on ITV's Loose Women, Morley acknowledged that he had used 'an outdated expression', but denied he was racist and claimed that he was sorry for any offence cause. Although one suspects that he's probably more sorry that he's about to lose what little career he previously had. Because, it's hard to see even the most desperate of double glazing firms wishing to use him in their cheap and nasty adverts after this.
In The Flesh will not be returning to BBC3, it has been confirmed. The channel released a statement on Friday confirming that it has dropped the BAFTA-winning supernatural drama. The statement reads: 'BBC3 is very proud of the two award-winning series of In The Flesh. However, given there is only budget for one original drama series a year on the channel it won't be returning. We loved the show but have to make hard choices to bring new shows through and create room for emerging talent. Huge thanks to the BAFTA award-winning writer Dominic Mitchell and the superb cast.' himself Mitchell responded to news of the cancellation on Twitter, thanking In The Flesh fans for their support.
The British Library has launched a campaign to raise forty million quid to digitise the country's sound archive of more than six million recordings. The library said around two million of these are fragile and rare recordings. These are at risk of being lost due to physical degradation and the disappearance of the technology to play them, the library said. The archive, which includes the voice of Florence Nightingale, is held on more than forty formats. These include wax cylinders, lacquer discs, cassette players, reel-to-reel tapes and minidiscs. The UK Sound Archive includes recordings of local accents and dialects used to monitor the evolution of the English language and sounds of rare or extinct wildlife. It also includes full recordings of theatre productions going back forty years, including the opening night of Hamlet in the Old Vic, starring Peter O'Toole and directed by Laurence Olivier. The British Library estimated it would cost around eighteen million knicker to digitise the most 'at risk' recordings and to build the facilities needed to digitise the remaining two thirds of the collection. The remaining funds will be used to develop a system to digitally archive the UK's sound output in the future. The library has estimated that ninety two per cent of the UK's current radio output, and sixty five to seventy per cent of the UK's published music output, is not being fully archived. The institution is also appealing to the public to let them know about any rare or unique sound collections as well as creating a national sound directory in order to identify other threatened collections.

The US broadcaster FOX News has - finally - issued an on-air apology for televising the ludicrous claim that Birmingham is a 'Muslim-only city' where non-Muslims 'don't go.' As previously reported by this blog (along with just about every other media outlet on the planet) Steven Emerson, an American terrorism commentator, alleged 'expert' and hairdo, made the astounding - and, entirely groundless - claim as he spoke to the channel about the terror attacks in France last week. Emerson, who was described by British Prime Minister David Cameron as 'a complete idiot' and widely mocked on social media for his rank glakery, subsequently retracted his claims and has also donated five hundred smackers to the city's children's hospital. Which was nice. On Saturday, a week after the incident, FOX finally got around to saying that it 'deeply regrets' the errors and apologising to the people of Birmingham. Issuing the apology, Jeanine Pirro, who was interviewing Emerson when he made the claims in the first place, said that a guest had made 'a series of factual errors that we wrongly let stand unchallenged and uncorrected. The guest asserted that the city of Birmingham, England, is totally Muslim and that it is a place where non-Muslims don't go,' she said. 'Both are incorrect.' No shit? She went on to say that census data from 2011 indicated the just twenty two per cent of the population of Birmingham identified themselves as Muslim. 'We could find nothing that indicated Birmingham is a so-called no-go zone.' she added. 'We deeply regret these errors and apologise to the people of Birmingham, our viewers and all who have been offended.' Later, another presenter, Julie Banderas, also told viewers: 'Over the course of this last week we have made some regrettable errors on-air, regarding the Muslim population in Europe, particularly with regard to England and France. This applies especially to discussions of so-called "no-go zones", areas where non-Muslims allegedly aren't allowed in and police, supposedly, won't go. To be clear, there is no formal designation of these zones in either country and no credible information to support the assertion there are specific areas in these countries that exclude individuals based solely on their religion. There are, certainly, areas of high crime in Europe, as there are in the United States and other countries, where police and visitors enter with caution. We deeply regret the errors and apologise to any and all who may have taken offence, including the people of France and England.' It's all right, chuck, by and large we weren't offended. We just thought it was funny.
Comedian Al Murray will stand in his guise as The Pub Landlord against UKiP leader Nigel Farage at the forthcoming general erection. Murray, whose loud-mouthed 'common sense' character is based around a love for all things British, has formed the Free United Kingdom Party. FUKP for short. He confirmed that he would stand for election in the Thanet South constituency. He said: 'It seems to me that the UK is ready for a bloke waving a pint around, offering common sense solutions.' A spokesman for UKiP added: 'At last, serious competition in the constituency.' Dan Lloyd, who represents Murray through production company Avalon, said 'it's definitely happening' and confirmed that papers will be lodged before the deadline. In a video posted online Murray said: 'Let it be known that like many of the parliamentary hopefuls in the forthcoming election, I have no idea where South Thanet is. But did that stop Margaret Thatcher from saving the Falkland Islands?' Murray is standing in a constituency which the Conservative Party won at the previous election in 2010. The serving MP is Laura Sandys. A website Murray has set up for his campaign, carries the slogan: 'Other parties offer the moon on a stick. We'll do better than that: a British moon on a British stick.' His party is using an upturned pound sign for a logo, in a clear parody of the UKiP symbol.
An 'anti-feminism' party called Justice For Men And Boys (And The Women Who Love Them) is standing for parliament in May's general erection. The party, which hands out Lying Feminist of the Month awards to female journalists that it doesn't like, will be fielding three candidates in the Nottingham area, including one who will attempt - unsuccessfully - to unseat the shadow women and equalities minister Gloria De Piero. The party was founded by 'retired businessman' Mike Buchanan - who is obviously not a complete worthless sexist git. Oh no, very hot water. He told the BuzzFeed News website that it is his party's ultimate aim to 'make feminism a dirty word'. A bit like 'jobbies'. Or 'moist'. Only, dirtier. One imagines the voters of the greater Nottingham area may be a bit confused as to why they, specifically have been chosen by Buchanan - who, clearly, never had a terrifying experience with a woman - possibly because of an unfeasibly small penis - than made him, you know, mental - for his lone and fearless stand against the windmill of progress and equality. Buchanan - who is, of course, very definitely not a daft plank - used to work as 'a business consultant' for the Conservative party, but quit in 2009 when David Cameron backed all-women parliamentary candidate shortlists. Which, certainly did not cause his brain to explode in impotent fury. He has since 'dedicated his life' to the cause - if it can be described as such - of 'anti-feminism', writing three books, Feminism: The Ugly Truth, The Glass Ceiling Delusion and David Cameron – The Heir to Harman? All of which you can buy at amazon.co.uk (and you really should check out some of the reviews of this one, in particular, dear blog reader. They're effing hilarious). 'Feminism is a hatred and it should be a badge of shame,' Buchanan suggested. 'To call yourself a feminist should be no more acceptable than calling yourself a bigot or a sexist or a fascist. It is a deeply vile, corrupting ideology and the idea it's a benign movement about gender equality is dangerous nonsense.' The party's website is home to articles such as Thirteen Reasons Women Lie About Being Raped, Ten Reasons False Rape Allegations Are Common and Feminists – Enemies of Men, Women, and Children. And, you know, kittens. Probably. The party has also produced a detailed eighty-page manifesto for the general erection which includes policies on halving the length of time after conception that a woman can legally get an abortion, creating all-boys schools with all-male teaching staff and the introduction of a government minister for 'men and equalities.'

The Cornish nationalist party Mebyon Kernow has claimed it would be 'absurd and undemocratic' for it to be denied a party political broadcast during the election campaign. MK is arguing that because it is fielding candidates in all six seats in the 'historic nation of Cornwall', it ought to qualify for some airtime. Draft criteria from the BBC Trust state that a political party would qualify for one party election broadcast if it stood in at least one-sixth of the seats up for election in one of the home nations. This equates to eighty nine seats in England, ten in Scotland, seven in Wales and three in Northern Ireland. The MK leader, Dick Cole, said: 'How can it be fair that MK, a Cornish political party, would need to stand in all six seats within Cornwall, as well as a further eighty three seats outside of Cornwall, in order to be allowed a broadcast? By contrast, the recommendation would mean that political parties in Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales would only have to stand in three, ten and seven seats respectively.' In a letter to the BBC Trust, Cole said that genuine regional or national parties, which stand candidates in most of the seats in a region or nation – including Cornwall – should be allowed a broadcast. MK was founded in 1951 and has contested local elections since 1965 and parliamentary elections since 1970. It has never had an MP and usually loses all of its deposits but it does have four councillors, including Cole, on the Cornwall council. It argues that Cornwall is one of the four nations inhabiting the British mainland and should have the same right to self-determination as England, Scotland and Wales. It is campaigning for the creation of a national assembly for Cornwall. The BBC Trust’s consultation on the criteria ended on Monday.

Oh, and those risible Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star-reading frackers in the Green Party have been whinging again this week. About something or other. So, no change there, then.
The former owner of a disputed Caravaggio painting has lost his battle for compensation from an auction house. Lancelot William Thwaytes sold The Cardsharps at Sotheby's in 2006 for forty six grand after being told it was by 'a follower' of the Old Master rather than Caravaggio his very self. The new owner subsequently insured the painting for millions - after 'a close friend', an art expert, claimed that it was, in fact, an original Caravaggio. Sotheby's maintain that the painting is not by the artist. Thwaytes attempted to sue Sotheby's, for tons of wonga, giving him negligent advice after the new owner had the artwork valued at ten million smackers. Lawyers for Thwaytes accused Sotheby's of 'not consulting enough top experts' or sufficiently testing the painting before the 2006 sale. But the judge at London's High Court was havin' none of it and ruled that the auction house had 'reasonably come to the view' that the quality of the painting 'was not sufficiently high to indicate that it might be by Caravaggio.' Sotheby's defended its claim by saying that 'a number of leading experts' have attested to it not being by the artist. It was also the 'unanimous opinion of specialists' in the auction house's own Old Masters painting department that it was an anonymous copy. Thwaytes inherited the painting in the 1960s from a cousin and, when he came to sell it, Sotheby's catalogued it as by 'a follower' of Caravaggio. The painting was bought at auction by Orietta Adam, a friend of the art collector Sir Denis Mahon, on whose behalf she is understood to have bought the painting. Sir Denis had it cleaned and restored and a year later - at his ninety seventh birthday party - he 'declared' that the painting was by Caravaggio and dated to 1595. Italian scholar Mina Gregori concurred with his opinion. Others beg to differ. The painting was loaned to the Museum of the Order of St John at Clerkenwell in London following the death of Sir Denis in 2011 and is insured for ten million knicker. The original artwork was painted in 1594 and is on show in a museum in Texas. It was a key work in establishing Caravaggio's reputation and was widely copied. Thwaytes's legal team said that it was considering an appeal. 'Mr Thwaytes is extremely disappointed with the decision delivered this morning and maintains that Sotheby's failed to spot the painting's potential,' it said in a statement. 'He brought the case following the public announcement that the painting was an autograph replica painted by the hand of Caravaggio; a view which was supported by a number of leading experts, including Mina Gregori and Sir Denis Mahon.'

The acclaimed historian and one-man gaffe machine, David Starkey, was at it again on the BBC's Question Time on Thursday. The supposed 'expert' on Islam was talking about freedom of speech in the wake of the Charlie Hebdo shootings and referred to Mehdi Hasan, the political director at The Huffington Post, as 'Ahmed'. This blunder, as usual, caused the Twattersphere to virtually implode with the historian being labelled as 'a bigot' and 'a xenophobe' by some people that you've never heard of. Hasan himself made several references to the incident on Twitter, one describing Starkey as 'basically Katie Hopkins with a PhD.' Which is, actually, quite funny. Starkey, of course, has some considerable blunder-form already on Question Time and Newsnight, including once insisting that a sixteen-year-old pupil could 'groom' a forty four-year-old teacher, stating that violence, rather than consent, should be the measure of rape and suggesting that Princess Anne looks like a horse. Mind you, it's difficult to argue with the last one.

David Cameron has disagreed with a comment made by Pope Francis, who warned against mocking others' religions. Following the murderous attack on the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, the Pope claimed that someone who insulted his mother could expect 'to get punched'. Which, some might argue, is a very odd thing for the leader of a religion which is, supposedly, built on love, tolerance and pacifism in the face of aggression to suggest. And further, that it doesn't, really fit in at all with the Gospel According to Matthew, chapter five, verse thirty nine ('whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other, also'). Or, indeed, chapter seven verse one ('judge not, lest ye be judged'). Or, chapter seven verse elven ('do onto others as you would have them do onto you'). Or John chapter eight verse seven ('let he that is without sin cast the first stone'). Or, numerous other examples of Christ telling his followers to, basically, just be cool and reject violence as a solution to pretty much anything. Cameron, speaking to CBS News, said that the media - and, therefore, by extension everybody else in the world - had the right to publish material which was offensive to some. Twelve people were killed by militant Islamists in the attack in Paris. A policewoman and four people also died at a kosher supermarket in a separate attack in the French capital earlier this month. Speaking to the CBS Face The Nation programme, Cameron was asked how to 'find the right balance' after the Pope defended freedom of expression but said there were 'limits' to freedom of speech. The pontiff had suggested religions should be 'treated with respect', so that people's faiths were not insulted or ridiculed. It's probably worth observing at this point that when two religions which normally have absolutely no time for each other - to the point of holy wars - suddenly start singing from the same hymn sheet with regard to criticising others, then those that are being criticised can probably be confident in the knowledge that they're doing something right. Cameron replied: 'I think in a free society, there is a right to cause offence about someone's religion. I'm a Christian - if someone says something offensive about Jesus, I might find that offensive, but in a free society I don't have a right to wreak my vengeance on them.' He said that as long as publications acted within the boundaries of the law as it currently stands, they had the right to publish pretty much any material, even if it was offensive to some. Which this blogger entirely agrees with and that's why he will say, here and now, that he thinks David Cameron is an oily, numskull twonk of no worth whatsoever. Who, thankfully, has just publicly defended this blogger's absolute right to say exactly that in a public forum and as part of a free and democratic society. Good on ya, Dangerous Dave. Remember, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Keep it up and you, too, might get there eventually. The former Bishop of Oxford Richard Harries, writing in the Independent On Sunday, also suggested that the Pope had been wrong to make his extremely strange comments. He said: 'I am a great admirer of the Pope, but when, to make the proper point that we should not insult the faith of others, he said his assistant could "expect a punch" if he cursed his mother, I was aghast. The reference to a punch could easily be taken for a justification of violence in response to insult.' Asked about the current threat of terrorism, Cameron, who is on a visit to the US where, unbelievably, they seem to quite like him, said: 'Frankly, we've been in this struggle against extremist Islamist terrorism now for well over a decade and a half, so we know what it takes to win. It's going to take a lot of perseverance.' He added that, while the threat had 'changed and altered', it was 'still based on the fundamental problem of a poisonous death cult narrative, which is the perversion of one of the world's major religions.'

The missing Mars robot Beagle2 has been found on the surface of the Red Planet, apparently in tact. High-resolution images taken from orbit have identified its landing location and it appears to be in one piece. The UK-led probe tried to make a soft touchdown on the dusty world on Christmas Day 2003, using parachutes and airbags - but no radio contact was ever made with the probe. Many scientists assumed it had been destroyed in a high-velocity impact. The new pictures, acquired by NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, give lie to that notion and hint at what really happened to the European mission. Beagle's design incorporated a series of deployable 'petals', on which were mounted its solar panels. From the images, it seems that this system did not unfurl fully. 'Without full deployment, there is no way we could have communicated with it as the radio frequency antenna was under the solar panels,' explained Professor Mark Sims, Beagle's mission manager from Leicester University. 'The failure cause is pure speculation, but it could have been, and probably was, down to sheer bad luck - a heavy bounce perhaps distorting the structure as clearances on solar panel deployment weren't big; or a punctured and slowly leaking airbag not separating sufficiently from the lander, causing a hang-up in deployment,' he told the BBC News website. The discovery of Beagle comes less than a year after the death of the probe's principal investigator, Colin Pillinger. The Royal Society scientific institution announced an award in commemoration of Professor Pillinger on Friday. The Open University scientist was the driving force behind the project and, although his mission never got to explore Mars, he is widely credited with sparking a huge enthusiasm among the public for space research. His wife and fellow Beagle team-member, Doctor Judith Pillinger, said: 'Colin was always fond of a football analogy. No doubt he would have compared Beagle2 landing on Mars, but being unable to communicate, to having "hit the crossbar" rather than missing the goal completely. Beagle2 was born out of Colin's quest for scientific knowledge. Had he known the team came so close to scoring he would certainly have been campaigning to "tap in the rebound" with Beagle3 and continue experiments to answer questions about life on Mars.' The outcome will be deeply frustrating to the science and engineering teams behind the project, because they will now realise just how close they came to success. Indeed, MRO's data confirms that Beagle landed just five kilometres from the centre of its targeted touchdown zone. This was an ellipse, five hundred by one hundred kilometres, on a flat, near-equatorial plain known as Isidis. To be off-centre by such a tiny margin amounts to a near bulls-eye. Beagle2 was carried to the Red Planet by the European Space Agency's Mars Express orbiter, which remains in working order to this day. MEx released the little robot on to its landing trajectory on 19 December 2003. It even snapped a picture of Beagle, in its entry capsule, receding into the distance. What followed was a mystery. Various theories were posited at the time - and subsequently - for the failure of the probe to make contact after the expected landing time of 02:45 GMT on 25 December. The Beagle team itself suspected the robot was caught out by a Martian atmosphere that was thinner than the one for which it had planned. This would have meant it was travelling too fast as it approached the surface. But the pictures suggest that all elements of the entry, descent and landing system did a job. The entry capsule clearly protected the probe from the heat of rubbing up against the Martian atmosphere and the parachutes and bouncing bags must have come out to soften the final approach to the surface. In the MRO images, it is even possible to identify some of the EDL elements on the ground close to Beagle. The Commission of Inquiry - jointly set up by the European Space Agency and the forerunner of what is now the UK Space Agency - blamed the failure on a mixture of poor management and inadequate testing of systems and components. It also conceded that too little money had been allocated to the Beagle project at its outset. With a total budget of near fifty million smackers, it remains one of the cheapest interplanetary missions ever devised. The report's nineteen recommendations included the demand that communications with future probes be maintained through the various descent phases. This has become standard practice in recent years, but with Beagle its last contact was essentially that black and white photo of it moving away from the MEx orbiter six days prior to landing. When ESA's ExoMars rover tries to land on the surface of the Red Planet in 2019, it will be relaying information all the way down. The landing hardware for this mission is being built by the Russians, but its key sensor technologies, such as the descent radar, are being developed in Europe and will be tested on a demonstration landing in late 2016. ESA director general Jean-Jacques Dordain told BBC News: 'We have already taken a lot of lessons from the "failure" of Beagle and, especially, on the need to be connected, because if we had been connected in terms of communications we would have known we were on Planet Mars.' And reflecting on Colin Pillinger's role in the project he added: 'It's a pity that he is not with us any more, because this was his baby. And I'm really glad [it's been found] for him.'

Sarah Brightman has missed the start of the space training which will allow her to travel to the International Space Station. Brightman travelled to Russia for nine months of training, but has delayed the start date by a week. Russia's space agency says that it is 'confident' she will be ready for the planned ten-day trip in October. The fifty four-year-old singer is believed to be paying around thirty four million quid to become the eighth space tourist. 'She has gone away for family reasons, but she promised to be in Moscow on Sunday,' Alexei Krasnov, the head of manned flights at the Russian space agency, told TASS state news agency. The Phantom Of The Opera star who once, infamously, lost her heart to a starship trooper, is understood to be suffering from a cold.

Now, dear blog readers will have, no doubt, read about the right old kerfuffle what's currently going on with regard to Cadbury's Cream Eggs and the changes in both recipe and size of pack which have recently been initiated by Kraft, the American owners of Cadbury's. It's a subject which has been widely discussed in the media. Even the Economist, a publication which seldom features much venn diagram crossover with From The North has had its say on this vexed matter and what a right load of shenanigans and malarkey it has caused. As far as this blogger is concerned, his message to Kraft is very simply. There are some things in life that you just do not mess with. Get it effing sorted, pronto, or there's gonna be serious bother.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping spent a horribly frustrating thirty six hours on Thursday and Friday of last week where he quite simply couldn't get online due to a variety of 'connectability issues'; most of which were not of his making (although, sadly, one - and, a pretty important one at that - was). It's all sorted now, obviously - since you're reading this bloggerisationism update, dear blog reader - but it took two lengthy phone calls to Demon's not-very-helpful-desk to make it so. (God only knows how ginormous the next Stately Telly Topping phone bill will be as a consequence.) This malarkey also does go to illustrate nicely what a risible, shallow and pointless life yer actual Keith Telly Topping appears to lead these days where for a day and a half because he couldn't get onto Facebook, or the blog, or iPlayer he spent the majority of his time wandering around the drum like somebody with one arm cut off. Oh, for those simple days before the invention of the Interweb, dear blog reader, where this blogger had 'stuff to do' which didn't involve a sticky keyboard and a temperamental router. Mind you, Keith Telly Topping didn't completely waste the day. He used some of this unexpected free time to scan in a pile of old family photos that he found at Mama Telly Topping's gaff after she died and which he'd previously stuck in a cupboard and then almost forgotten about. Including this one, from the 1971-72 period in the back garden at Wigmore Avenue. Keith Telly Topping wonders what happened this cheekily sweet and naive little chap and his pre-teen dreams of one day being a top pop star (like Mister Noddy Big Hat out of Slade), or a left-winger for his beloved although, even then, unsellable Magpies, or an astronaut. Or the next Doctor. Life, dear blog reader. Don't talk to yer actual Keith Telly Topping about life ...
And so to the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Here's something that yer actual small Keith Telly Topping was probably listening to around the time that photograph was taken (or, shortly thereafter, anyway). On the family dansette. Introduced on Christmas Top Of The Pops by The Beard Of Despair wearing a really stupid green hat. Forget Operation Yewtree, somebody call the Fashion Police. Meanwhile, shake yer glitter, Marc.

Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch has been rather busy lately, thanks to the Hollywood awards season and, you know, impregnating his woman and all that. But, he has taken some time off from his red carpet responsibilities as he went back to the day job, shooting scenes for this year's Christmas special of the hit BBC drama series Sherlock with co-stars Martin Freeman his very self and Amanda Abbington. The actors were seen filming at Gloucester Cathedral on Thursday. Also present at the shoot was co-creator Mark Gatiss wearing a pair of perfectly darza boots.
National heartthrob David Tennant was the recipient of an award for Special Recognition at the National Television Awards ceremony which took place this week in London. The very emotional actor thanked the many people he had worked with, including his agents, and summed up with: 'Anyone who's ever given me a shot, thank you very much, and anyone who's ever let me into their living room on the telly, it's a real honour and a privilege to get to do that, so thank you.' He also thanked his family and in particular his father, to whom he then dedicated his award.
Broadchurch dipped by a further four hundred thousand overnight viewers on Monday evening. The ITV crime drama brought in a series low of 5.15 million overnight viewers from 9pm. Earlier, Richard Wilson's On The Road was seen by 3.21m at 8pm. BBC1's Silent Witness after two weeks of edging closer and closer finally overtook Broadchurch as the night's highest-rated show outside soaps with 5.87m at 9pm. Earlier, Inside Out appealed to 3.85m at 7.30pm, while the latest Panorama interested 3.50m at 8.30pm. BBC2's University Challenge was watched by 2.84m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 2.17m at 8.30pm. The opening episode of Winterwatch attracted 1.71m at 9pm, whilst odious, unfunny lanky streak of stinking piss Jack Whitehall's worthless Backchat as usual failed to amuse anyone but was, nevertheless, watched by eight hundred and twenty two thousand sad, crushed victims of society at 10pm. On Channel Four, Dispatches drew 1.37m at 8pm, followed by Food Unwrapped with 1.34m at 8.30pm. The Undateables had an audience of 1.47m at 9pm, while new - alleged - comedy Catastrophe was watched by six hundred and eighty three thousand punters at 10pm. Channel Five's Storage: Flog The Lot! had six hundred and one thousand at 8pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.11m at 9pm and NHS Crisis: The Live Debate gathered five hundred and three thousand at 10pm.

Silent Witness remained on top of the ratings on Tuesday evening, overnight data reveals. The BBC1 drama attracted 6.16 million viewers on average at 9pm. Later, Count Arthur Strong was watched by 1.66m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Winterwatch appealed to 2.45m at 8pm, followed by the - genuinely - excellent Martin Freeman and Anthony LaPaglia drama The Eichmann Show with 1.20m at 9pm. ITV had yet another rotten night, soaps aside. Britain's Best Back Gardens interested but two million viewers at 8pm. Paul O'Grady's Animal Orphans brought in 2.60m at 9pm. Channel Four's Weighing Up The Enemy was seen by eight hundred and twenty seven thousand at 8pm, followed by Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody with 1.20m at 9pm. Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell was seen by eight hundred and eighty three thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Cats Do the Funniest Things attracted 1.67m at 8pm. The live Celebrity Big Brother non-eviction drew 2.66m at 9pm. Later, Suspects continued with six hundred and sixty nine thousand at 10pm. BBC3's Excluded: Kicked Out Of School was seen by four hundred and twenty four thousand at 9pm. On BBC4, Hidden Killers Of The Tudor Home fascinated six hundred and five thousand at 9pm.
The National Television Awards achieved its best overnight ratings in four years. The event attracted an average audience of 6.30 million from 7.30pm. This is up by around four hundred thousand viewers from last year's ceremony and is the NTA's best overnight rating since 2011's 6.5 million. On BBC1, Pets - Wild At Heart gathered 3.49m at 8pm, followed by yer actual Crimewatch with 2.42m at 9pm. BBC2's Winterwatch appealed to 2.09m at 8pm, while the alleged comedy Up The Women was seen by 1.22m at 10pm. And, was every single bit as rotten as the trailer had suggested it would be. The opening episode of the much-anticipated drama adaptation Wolf Hall was BBC2's biggest overnight drama launch since 2005, bringing in 3.89m at 9pm. And, very good it was too. On Channel Four, Restoration Man interested 1.36m at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours In A&E brought in 1.34m at 9pm. Bodyshockers had an audience of 1.12m at 10pm. Channel Five's Celebrity Big Brother continued to shed viewers, the latest episode of the sick Victorian freak show being watched by 1.82m at 9pm, followed by Suspects with five hundred and eleven thousand at 10pm.

Critics - proving that even a broken clock is right twice a day - have described the BBC adaptation of Hilary Mantel's Booker-winning novels, Wolf Hall, as 'close to perfect television.' The six-part adaptation combines both Wolf Hall and Bring Up The Bodies. Fleet Street's telly critics were almost unanimous in their view the much-anticipated BBC2 series was 'event television' of the highest calibre. There was praise for leading cast members, particularly Jonathan Pryce as Cardinal Wolsley and Mark Rylance as the series' protagonist Thomas Cromwell. 'This is event television, sumptuous, intelligent, and serious, meticulous in detail but not humourless or po-face,' wrote Sam Wollaston in the Gruniad Morning Star. Pryce was described as 'marvellously humane' and 'smoothly acidic', while Damian Lewis - as Henry VIII - was admired for his 'heaps of kingly swagger' and 'fearsome' portrayal of 'a man with no doubt about his divine right to rule.' But, the highest praise was reserved for Rylance, as the enigmatic Cromwell - who goes from blacksmith's son to the king's right-hand man. 'For those not blessed enough to have caught Mark Rylance on stage - he's been absent from British theatre since 2013 - this was a rare(ish) chance to catch one of Britain's finest actors on the screen,' wrote Will Dean in the Independent. 'Mark Rylance's eyes glistening with sadness and acuity produce a BAFTA-winning performance by themselves,' wrote The Times's Andrew Billen. Wollaston echoed that 'behind the steel the sadness in his eyes is almost unbearable to watch.' There was praise, too, for the studious attention to period detail, though some whinged about the decision to shoot by authentic candlelight. 'Some crucial scenes were lit by guttering logs in the hearth, or bedside candles,' whinged Christopher Stevens in the Daily Scum Mail. 'The only light in Norfolk's hall came from a brazier. It was enough to make you shout: "For pity's sake, forget about the authenticity - switch a flipping light on!"' Well, enough to make you shout that if you're a Daily Scum Mail telly critic (and drag) who knows bog all about anything, that is. But, the critics' overall surmise was that Peter Straughan had faithfully and lucidly adapted the two weighty novels, condensing over eleven hundred pages into six hours of television. 'This account, directed by Peter Kominsky, feels as real and as visceral as if the wolves of Henry's court were panting down our necks,' wrote Billen. 'As a means of setting the scene, drawing us deep into the Tudor world and presenting us with a winningly ambiguous central character, it's hard to see how this one could have been done much better,' agreed James Walton, in his five-star Torygraph review. Mantel, who is currently writing the third part of the trilogy - The Mirror & The Light - has given the television adaptation, made in conjunction with US broadcaster PBS, her blessing. 'It's illuminating, exciting, yet also curious, to see how my imagination matched theirs,' she said, following a preview screening in December. The Sunday Mirra's odious little shit Kevin O'Sullivan told BBC Radio 4's Today that Wolf Hall was 'a masterpiece' with the markings of 'an all-time classic. It's close to perfect television,' he concluded. 'I can't recommend it highly enough.' Which is good although, the fact that the vile and nasty O'Sullivan is usually recommending The X Factor instead suggests that one should take every single thing he says with a vat of salt.

Cucumber launched with under a million viewers on Thursday evening, overnight figures reveal. Russell Davies's much-talked about new Channel Four series brought in an average nine hundred and seventy three overnight viewers at 9pm. Companion show Banana opened to three hundred and forty one thousand viewers on E4 at 10pm. Earlier on Channel Four, Location, Location, Location appealed to 1.49m at 8pm, while Josie Cunningham: The Most Hated Woman In Britain? was watched by 1.08m at 10pm. Although Christ alone knows why. BBC1's latest Death In Paradise easily topped the night with 6.50m at 9pm. Room 101 had an audience of 3.91m in its new Thursday slot at 8pm, while Question Time was seen by 2.36m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Winterwatch gathered 2.62m at 8pm, followed by Winterwatch Unsprung with 1.47m at 9pm. Surviving The Holocaust was seen by 1.24m at 9.30pm. ITV's pepper-spray edition of The Kyle Files - see below - could still attract but 2.69m at 7.30pm despite the promise of seeing odious, nasty Jeremy Kyle getting a face full of misery. Horrible, unfunny Birds Of A Feather continued to shed viewers faster than a cannonball, the latest episode being watch by but 2.95m at 8.30pm, which in and of itself is far funnier than anything in the actual show itself. Bring Back Borstal brought in a staggeringly low 1.54m at 9pm. Chances of a second series of that one would appear to be somewhat remote. On Channel Five, Benefits: Can't Work, Won't Work had 1.22m at 8pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.32m at 9pm, followed by Botched Up Bodies with seven hundred and forty two thousand at 10pm. E4's The Big Bang Theory tickled 1.36m at 8.30pm, followed by Brooklyn Nine-Nine with five hundred and ninety five thousand at 9pm. Ross Kemp's Extreme World returned with three hundred and eighty three thousand at 9pm on Sky1.

With an average audience of 5.82 million, BBC1's live coverage of the FA Cup fourth-round goalless draw between Cambridge and The Scum was Friday evening's highest-rated overnight show outside of soaps. It was preceded by The ONE Show, which - on the day that its former presenter Adrian Chiles got told to never darken ITV's door again - was watched by 4.5 million at 7pm. Roughly the same sort of audience that it was getting when Chiles got his greed on and left for pastures new. Odd that. With guests including Gary Lineker, Jessica Chastain and McBusted - they are a popular beat combo, apparently - The Graham Norton Show rounded the evening off with 3.42 million at 10.35pm. On ITV, Benidorm had an audience of 4.03 million at 9pm, while The Martin Lewis Money Show was seen by 3.99 million at 8pm. BBC2's evening kicked off with 1.26 million for The Antiques Road Trip at 7pm, followed by 1.85 million for Mastermind at 8pm. Food and Drink was watched by 1.33 million at 8.30pm, while The Big Allotment Challenge and Qi picked up respective audiences of 1.37 million and 1.44 million. Celebrity Big Brother: Live Eviction was seen by an average audience of 2.29 million on Channel Five. That was down by more than six hundred thousand sad, crushed victims of society on the previous Friday's live show. Channel Five also secured three hundred and thirty six thousand for Race To The Pole at 7pm, followed by eight hundred and seventy nine thousand for Ice Road Truckers at 8pm. Channel Four's evening peaked with 1.37 million for Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown. It was sandwiched between Jamie & Jimmy's Friday Night Feast and The Last Leg, which picked up 1.17 million and nine hundred and ninety thousand punters.

The Voice once again attracted more than eight million overnight viewers on Saturday evening. BBC1's singing competition drew an average audience of 8.08m from 7pm, slightly down on the previous week's audience of 8.4 million. It was, again, a very good night for BBC1 with Now You See It continuing to pull in decent early evening figures, with 4.59m. After The Voice, The National Lottery: Win Your Wist List took 4.90m, before Casualty was watched by 4.99m from 9.15pm. The channel's evening ended with a bumper 4.28m audience for Match Of The Day on a day of several shocks in the FA Cup Fourth round, which included Bradford City's 4-2 victory at Torpedo Stamford Bridge against Moscow Chelski FC and the Middlesbrough Smog Monster's 2-0 win at Sheikh Yer Man City. So, the BBC appear to have found a really impressive Saturday schedule at the moment, although they have undeniably, been helped out in this regard by ITV's continuing woes. It was another truly disastrous Saturday night on ITV, Harry Hill's Virtually Unwatchable Stars In Their Eyes continued with a risible, laughably piss-poor 2.04m from 7pm. Afterwards, the rotten Take Me Out and the way past its sell-by date Jonathan Ross Show averaged 3.01m and 2.09m punters respectively. BBC2's The Culture Show managed nine hundred and thirty five thousand in the 9pm hour. Meanwhile, Channel Four broadcast the Holocaust documentary Night Will Fall to 1.49m. On Channel Five, the latest episode of Celebrity Big Brother secured 1.88m from 9.15pm. Elsewhere, ITV3's Foyle's War repeat topped the multichannels, drawing nine hundred and eleven thousand from 8pm.

'You've become a feared judge. Congratulations.'Spiral's interweaving stories of hard-bitten police detectives, shady criminals, morally compromised lawyers and the realpolitik of the French justice system reached new levels of abstract brilliance on Saturday evening with episode six of the the current - fifth - series climaxing with the death of the popular character of Pierre Clément. As Joséphine sat crumpled in a weeping Laure's arms in the entrance of a Parisian A&E department, her handsome and likable partner lay dead in the emergency room thanks to a bullet to the stomach from a trigger happy prison guard. When it comes to apportioning blame for the situation, however, it is surely Judge Roban who was the most at fault. Those viewers who are new to the drama - and, if you are, where the hell have you been for the last five years? - might well be wondering why they should care about the judge who, this series, has been presented as downright nasty bastard. Self-obsessed and intolerant of the opinions of others, he has grown harsh, narrow-minded and bitter, determined to be proved right regardless of the consequences or, indeed, the truth. Roban wasn't always this way, in fact for most of Spiral's first four seasons Roban was the lone sane and honest man in a system which seemed to almost encourage corruption and short-cut taking to achieve a means to and end. Along with Pierre, Roban has been Spiral's moral compass for so long that it is truly shocking to, in the space of just a few episodes, find both men seduced by different forms of crass ambition. Perhaps the judge has an excuse for his very out-of-character actions this year, for surely those nosebleeds he's getting are indicative of something considerably more serious than mere stress. As ever with Spiral, there is little that is wholly straightforward within the complex and dangerous world the characters occupy; a suspect on the edge of a mental breakdown, a judge determined to send a suicidal man back to prison regardless of the doubts of others as to his guilt, a prison guard who entirely misjudged the situation unfolding before him and a victim who, on the night when he should have been out celebrating his greatest triumph with his lover, ends up losing both her and, ultimately, his own life. Joséphine will, on suspects, now have to live with the jealousy and spite that drove her away from Pierre at his celebration party. It's odd that this series, whilst Spiral's writers have been hardening Roban and, to an extent, Pierre, they've also been softening Joséphine Karlsson's rough, unappealing edges, finding room in her 'skeleton covered by a skin of ambition' frame to discover that she can be concerned about people beyond herself. Will that survive the death of the man who always believed there was more to her than simply stunning looks and quality backstabbing? Time will tell, but one wouldn't put money on it. Already, even before Pierre's death, there was the implication that she was in danger of being cajoled back to the dark half of the sky by the loathsome Eric Edelman: 'Joséphine, you are going against your true nature.' How clever it was, too, to see the series linking Joséphine's court victory for the hapless Laetitia with Laure's murder case and Pierre's suspect client. And also, the deliberately political point being made in the script concerning Laetitia's release with, seemingly, every intention of not returning to a life of crime. The state's inability to find her a bed for the first night out of the nick saw her relapse in a most dramatic way. In terms of the double murder case, it would appear that is not Stéphane Jaulin who has the links to the bank raiders but, rather, his dead wife. Sandrine knew Zach, it seems, and had turned a blind eye to his forged papers when renting him a flat in Asnières. Blanco, with whom we spent a lot of time during these two episodes, was useful as a plot device only in terms of leading Laure's team to Zacharai Gabbai, the ATM-raiders' violent ringleader now escaped, but with his methods revealed. A trail of traumatised and dead people that Zach has left behind him – the hospitalised Blanco, Frank the ATM guy, violated Laetitia and murdered Sandrine and child – presumably means it won't be impossible for Laure's team to catch him. But one feels that Laure, Gilou and Tintin might have their work cut out to do so quickly and before more tragedy can unfold. Their waste-of-space boss Herville, still desperately trying to claw his way back into favour with the the brass, was even more annoying than usual in these episodes. 'Is he having his period?' asks Gilou at one point as Herville's arm flapping threatens to levitate him off the ground. Equally, Tintin shooting the dog during the - thankfully otherwise successful raid to recover the stolen gold - gave viewers one of those wonderfully dismissive Gallic shrugs that Fremontin does every couple of episodes. Gilou being the office peacemaker didn't last very long either, the episode climaxing with Laure having to pull he and Tintin apart from a, frankly rather girly, punch-up over nothing. Laure also appears to be having second thoughts about having an abortion, after another man (the third this series) counselled her against the idea - this time it was her pathologist friend, who clearly saw through her somewhat obvious 'I have a friend who is pregnant' conceit. Additionally, there is still no match for the fingerprint on the slipper. So, there's still plenty to play for the six remaining episodes. But, sadly it will be without the terrific Grégory Fitoussi.

Call The Midwife comfortably topped the overnight ratings charts on Sunday. The BBC1 period drama attracted an average audience of 9.04 million viewers at 8pm, adding around seven hundred thousand viewers on last week's premiere overnight figure. Earlier, Countryfile drew a whopping 7.62m at 6.30pm, while Still Open All Hours had an audience of 7.85m at 7.30pm. Last Tango In Halifax continued with 6.32m at 9pm, while Match Of The Day 2's FA Cup round-up ended an exceptionally strong night for the channel with 2.43m at 10.30pm. On BBC2, Hugh Jackman's Real Steel appealed to 1.35m at 6pm, before a new series of Top Gear opened with 5.28m at 8pm, to the obvious huge disappointment of lots of pond-scum Middle Class hippy Communist tree-hugging Gruniad Morning Star readers. So, that was funny. Except the usual professional offence takers to be whinging about some aspect of the episode or other as soon as they can find a newspaper to whinge to. This shall be the whole of The Law. The new series of Dragon's Den averaged 2.35m at 9pm. ITV's Get Your Act Together - never was a title more apt - dipped to 2.49m at 7pm, before All Star Family Fortunes failed to entertain 2.58m at 8.15pm. The third series of Mr Selfridge opened to unexpectedly low ratings in comparison to previous years. The first episode of the period drama's new series was watched by a mere 3.35m at 9pm, considerably down from last year's overnight for the opening episode of series two - 4.85m and 2013's debut episode which had 6.9 million. Channel Four's Secret Agent With Phil Spencer interested 1.03m at 7pm, followed by The Hotel with 1.17m at 8pm and Walking The Nile with 1.93m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Seann William Scott's Bulletproof Monk drew seven hundred and seventy five thousand punters at 7pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.37m at 9pm, before the science fiction thriller The Darkest Hour averaged seven hundred and twenty six thousand at 10pm.
And then, dear blog reader, here's the consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty One programmes for the week-ending Sunday 18 January 2015:-
1 Call The Midwife - Sun BBC1 - 10.15m
2 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 9.47m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.73m
4 Broadchurch - Mon ITV - 8.64m
5 Silent Witness - Tues BBC1 - 8.56m
6 Death In Paradise - Thurs BBC1 - 8.51m
7 EastEnders - Tues BBC1 - 8.43m
8 Still Open All Hours - Sun BBC1 - 7.62m
9 Emmerdale - Tues ITV - 7.11m
10 Last Tango In Halifax - Sun BBC1 - 7.10m
11 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 7.10m
12 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 6.03m
13 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 6.00m
14 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.98m
15 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 5.38m
16 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 5.09m
17 The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List - Sat BBC1 - 4.95m
18 Now You See It - Sat BBC1 - 4.89m
19 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.75m
20 Benidorm - Fri ITV - 4.68m*
21 Foyle's War - Sun ITV - 4.59m*
These figures do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. Aside from Broadchurch, Corrie, Emmerdale, Foyle's War and Benidorm, the only ITV programme across the entire week to pull in a consolidated audience of more than four million punters was the crappy and disgraceful Birds Of A Feather (4.43m). For those who wish to have a damned good laugh, Saturday night flop Harry Hill's Star In Their Eyes drew consolidated audiences of less than 2.38 million viewers (it didn't even make ITV's top thirty for the week). Take Me Out and Get Your Act Together didn't fare all that much better drawing audiences of three million and 2.49 million respectively. BBC2's highest-rated programme of the week was University Challenge with 3.27 million. Next came Only Connect with 2.64 million and Nature's Weirdest Events with 2.60 million. Following those, What's The Right Diet For You? A Horizon Special attracted 2.49m, Dad's Army drew 2.17 million, followed by Mastermind (2.15m), The Super Rich & Us (2.04m), and Qi (1.97m). Twenty Four Hours In A&E was Channel Four's most watched broadcast with 2.46m, followed by Walking The Nile (2.30m) and Restoration Man (2.17m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were dominated by Celebrity Big Brother the most watched episode being Sunday - 3.21m. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's most-watched programme with 1.33m viewers. Life On A Mountain: A Year On Scafell Pike drew BBC4's largest audience of the week (nine hundred and fifty one thousand) whilst the third and fourth episodes of Spiral's fifth series drew had eight hundred and seventy four thousand and eight hundred and fifty seven thousand respectively. The Inca: Masters Of The Clouds was watched by five hundred and eighty three thousand. A Mock The Week repeat on Dave was seen by four hundred and three thousand. The FOX Channel's broadcast of series twelve of NCIS continued to attract decent figures - eight hundred and thirty two thousand. BBC3's weekly best-of list was topped by Waterloo Road (seven hundred and fifty seven thousand). The start of the latest series of Bones was Sky Living's highest-rated show with eight hundred and fifty six thousand. Girls on Sky Atlantic drew one hundred and ninety two thousand. Sky 1's Ascension was watched by seven hundred and thirty five thousand.

The return of yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in BBC1's Sherlock was the most popular programme on iPlayer last year. Broadcast in January 2014, The Empty Hearse, the first episode of the third series - which saw Sherlock Holmes apparently return from the dead - was requested 4.2 million times. All three episodes in the 2014 Sherlock series were included in the top ten most requested iPlayer features. The second most-watched programme on the catch-up service was the opening episode of 2014's series of Top Gear, which took four of the top ten slots. Which will, no doubt, be a considerable disappointed to a lot of Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star-reading, Green Party voting frackers. So, that's good. The Top Gear Burma special, which was later found to have breached broadcasting rules after Jezza Clarkson described a bridge as being a bit uneven, was the fourth most watched show on iPlayer last year. The Top Gear special in Argentina - over which, some people of absolutely no consequence whatsoever got their knickers in a right old twist regarding some number plates - was the most popular iPlayer show over the UK's Christmas period - and fifteenth in the overall chart for most requested programmes across 2014. Only the BBC3 documentary Murdered By My Boyfriend, the final episode of the comedy Outnumbered and Peter Capaldi's debut in Doctor Who succeeded in breaking Sherlock and Top Gear's stranglehold on the top ten. 'Really thrilling to see Sherlock at the very top of the iPlayer ratings,' said Sherlock co-creators yer actual Mark Gatiss and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat his very self. 'We always knew he'd survive jumping off that building, but we never thought he'd fly so high.' Moffat's other major series - Doctor Who - made tenth place in the list. Deep Breath, which introduced new Doctor Capaldi, was requested 2.8 million times. Among shows which aired only on the iPlayer, Frankie Boyle's Referendum Autopsy - which looked at the outcome of the Scottish independence poll - was among the most popular online-only shows with seven hundred and fifteen thousand requests. BBC figures releases earlier this month showed a twenty five per cent rise in demand for its iPlayer catch-up service, year-on-year. Overall, the iPlayer had its biggest year yet with 3.5 billion requests for TV and radio programmes, up from 3.1 billion in 2013.

TV comedy moment of the week - if not indeed, of all time - occurred on Thursday when fans of that odious, disgraceful twat Jeremy Kyle - for, unbelievable there are some people who fall into this category - were be able to watch the moment when the full of his own importance presenter was pepper-sprayed in the face in Magaluf. If you didn't catch it, dear blog reader, here it is. Trust me, it's a sight to see. The horrible Kyle was sprayed whilst filming an episode of his thoroughly rotten series The Kyle Files in Majorca last summer, looking at 'the impact heavy drinking was having on the lives of young people.'Except it was the impact that pepper spray had on Kyle's mush that made headlines at the time, with Kyle bundled away by his security team after the mystery assailant struck. 'Nothing could prepare me for what happened next,' Kyle recalled. 'My eyes were stinging, I can't see properly, my throat is burning and I feel disorientated and scared.' Yeah. Well, now he knows how we all feel when watching his effing wretched programmes. Kyle added: 'We came here to talk about a drinking culture - lots of kids seemingly having fun. You get pepper spray sprayed in your face, just walking down the street. Okay, is that the camera? Is that because we're trying to find out what its really like or does that happen every night If you get into an argument?'Gogglebox's Scarlett Moffatt put it rather more succinctly, describing the talk show host's presence at the holiday venue as 'as unwelcome as a fart in a lift.' The man reportedly responsible for the spraying, a Romanian bouncer - whom about three quarters of the population of Western Europe now probably want to buy a drink for - later said that he did it because Kyle was making the town 'look shit.'
And, speaking of hilariously, thigh-slappingly funny things happening to people who really deserve it, odious nasty greedy greed-bucket, breakfast TV flop, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles's time presenting football as the anchor for ITV Sport is thoroughly over. And, lo, there was true rejoicing and proper laughter throughout the land. ITV have not actually used the word 'sacked' to describe Chiles's sudden and unexpected - if, long overdue - departure, indeed they appear to have refused point blank to discuss the reasons behind Chiles leaving whilst, reportedly, mid-way through a million pound-per-year contract. But, the Daily Scum Mailhave used that exact word. And, so have Metro. And The Huffington Post. The Daily Mirra, by contrast, went with 'axed'. The Birmingham Mail, on the other hand, went with 'dumped'. However one describes the termination of his most recent employment, Chiles, who has been the main - and much mocked - football presenter for ITV since his sickeningly greed-induced switch from the BBC in 2010 to front ITV's breakfast fiasco Daybreak for mucho disgusting wonga, is to be replaced immediately. The forty seven-year-old greed-bucket (and drag) is to be succeeded by BBC radio presenter Mark Pougatch, who will work on England internationals and European football on ITV from February. Reports suggest that Pougatch will continue with his BBC commitments in addition to his new job at ITV, something Chiles seemingly, never thought of when he flounced out of the Beeb in a right old stroppy huff in 2010, having got his sickening greed right-on by the promise of riches beyond the dreams of avarice. ITV, as noted, would not comment on the reasons for Chiles's sudden departure, which brought as much glee throughout the land as did the recent announcement that his equally inept and pointless oppo Andy Townsend was also getting the push from the broadcaster, but Chiles's exit is said to be 'with immediate effect.' Forthwith, if not sooner, one could note. Couldn't get him out of the building quick enough, it would seem. ITV's Director of Sport, Niall Sloane, said: 'Mark is a highly-respected sports journalist and an outstanding broadcaster. We’re delighted to welcome Mark to the ITV Sport team.' On the departing Chiles, he was, as noted, curiously silent. ITV has extremely lost the rights to Champions League, FA Cup and Europa League games to other channels over the last eighteen months. Live FA Cup rights are currently shared between the BBC and BT Sport, while BT Sport has bought the rights to live Champions League and Europa League games for three years from the 2015-2016 season.
And from that, to this ...
Ray Mears has been dropped as a speaker at a caravan event after insulting the vehicles on an episode of Room 101. As if anybody actually cared about such nonsense. During the wildcard round on the episode broadcast on 17 January, Mears nominated caravans to be eliminated from the world, prompting the Caravan, Camping & Motorhome Show 2015 - for there is such a thing, apparently - to remove him from its February event. 'We enlisted him as a credible ambassador because of his love of the great outdoors, something which our industry and community share,' a rather terse and po-faced statement read. 'Therefore we were disappointed to hear his comments on TV, which were made and pre-recorded before we entered into discussion with Ray's agent. We feel his agent should have made us aware of this pre-recording the moment we began communicating.'It continued: 'Knowing that these comments would come to light and then agreeing to work with one of Europe's largest shows of its kind, with tens of thousands attending, we feel he has acted in a less than professional manner. We're sure that if Ray spent a weekend away in a caravan or motorhome he would very much enjoy himself and realise what a fantastic enabler it is to getting outside.' Or, maybe not. Mears had described caravans as 'mobile breadbins', adding: 'I get stuck behind them and I think they're hideous. Swathes of our coastline are just covered in these things. I wouldn't mind so much if they could be painted green, but they have to be painted white. Gleaming white. You go down to Devon and all you can see are cities of these displaced urban people in their ghastly white caravans.' The carvaneers had reportedly invited Mears to attend 'in a personal capacity' to talk to visitors about caravanning and added that Matt Baker, Sally Gunnell and Melodie King would still be in attendance. Unless they say anything nasty about caravans between now and then, of course. If they're looking for a replacement for Mears, though, this blogger suggests Jezza Clarkson might be available that week.
The BBC has struck a deal with American public service broadcaster PBS to develop up to ten factual shows a year, with Sir David Attenborough's Waking Giants one of the first to broadcast. The partnership, struck between the BBC, their commercial arm BBC Worldwide and PBS, will see between eight and ten specials created per year, with around twenty hours of programming content. Programme commissions already agreed include the BBC1 natural history series Earth's Natural Wonders. 'Our organisations have a long-standing relationship in bringing the best of British content to American audiences, with critically acclaimed titles like Sherlock and Call The Midwife and this is the perfect foundation on which to extend this partnership into the factual space,' said Matt Forde, the executive vice president of TV sales and co-productions for BBC Worldwide in North America. Which you might think it the longest job title in the TV industry but, trust me dear blog reader, it's not even close. Under the deal a range of factual shows will be created across genres including natural history, science, religion, the arts and history. 'PBS and the BBC share similar public service missions and the same commitment to producing entertaining and educational programming of the highest quality,' said Beth Hoppe, the chief programming executive and general manager for audience programming at PBS. See what I mean. The deal marks the beginning of a plugging of the hole left by the termination of a one hundred and fifty million smackers co-production deal for factual programming that the BBC had with Discovery Communications. The deal, which produced landmark shows including Frozen Planet, began in 1998 and was terminated in 2013 by 'mutual agreement.'

The Great British Bake Off has signed up sixteen more celebrities to take part in a series of Comic Relief specials. The four episodes of The Great Comic Relief Bake Off - which will be broadcast in February - will be shown on BBC1 over four weeks for the first time.

Earlier in the week it was reported that leading production companies Avalon and Hat Trick were in the process of approaching the BBC Trust with a proposal that they buy BBC3 from the corporation. Their alleged proposal came in the wake of the BBC's plans to move the channel online. In a statement, the makers of Harry Hill's TV Burp and Have I Got News For You pledged to increase the channel's budget to one hundred million smackers per year. A BBC Trust spokeswoman confirmed that a letter had been received and said that it would be responded to in due course. With a 'thanks, but no thanks.' Avalon chief Jon Thoday and Jimmy Mulville, the co-founder of Hat Trick, declared the channel would continue to broadcast on all digital platforms if they were to take over. But, they're not going to. 'All current contracts would be honoured and the channel's programme budget would be increased from eighty one million to one hundred million pounds a year.' They also pledged that 'all original commissions would be made by UK companies', and that BBC3 'would continue to be aimed at a young and ethnically diverse audience' were they to become its owners. But within hours of the announcement of this proposal having some Gruniad Morning Star readers and a lot of piss-poor alleged comedians creaming in their collective shorts, the BBC's head of press, Sam Hodges, tweeted: 'Hate to kill a good PR stunt but BBC3 isn't for sale.' The channel's controller also shot down the plan, saying: 'BBC3 is not closing and BBC3 is not for sale.' Writing in a blog titled Ten Things You Should Know About The New BBC3, Damian Kavanagh added: 'We'd be kidding ourselves if we ignored the fact the BBC3 audience is online and increasingly so. They just are.' Suggestions that Mulville had a so-called "rescue plan" for the channel were first mooted by the Gruniad Morning Star last September. BBC Director Tony Hall announced plans last March for the closure of BBC3 as a broadcast channel in the autumn of 2015 and for it to operate solely online. The plans, which are intended to save fifty million much-needed smackers a year, are subject to the approval of the BBC Trust, which has just begun a public consultation on the proposals. There is little appetite among viewers for the BBC's proposal to close its BBC3 TV channel, the corporation has admitted, but there is excitement at the prospect of it being replaced by BBC1+1. The new timeshifted channel is part of a package of proposals that was submitted to the BBC Trust on Tuesday as the corporation outlined its case for making BBC3 online-only as the 'least worst option.'
Meanwhile, odious unfunny tub-of-lard waste of space plank James Corden has claimed that he 'wouldn't have a career' if it wasn't for BBC3. Which, frankly, is the single best reason yet that yer actual Keith Telly Topping has heard for shovelling the channel into an online ghetto along with all the other shit where it belongs.
MPs - scum, the lot of them - on the Commons culture, media and sport select committee are expected to join the chorus calling for the BBC Trust, the corporation’s governance and regulatory body chaired by the recently arrived Rona Fairhead, to be shovelled into the gutter along with all the other turds. The committee, chaired by Tory MP John Whittingdale, is expected to recommend that the Trust be abolished in its upcoming report on the future of the BBC. It is understood that committee members have mostly been receptive to an idea for the BBC to be governed instead by a unitary board – a single board of directors comprising executive and non-executive directors, overseen by a single chairman. The committee took evidence from a wide range of witnesses, including BBC Director General Tony Hall, from across the media over several months last year. Other suggestions understood to have been considered by the committee include the Trust's powers being transferred to media regulator Ofcom - a politically appointed quango, elected by no one - or some kind of BBC commission type affair. However, there is good news for the corporation as it is thought that the report will, broadly, give its backing to the continuation of the licence fee. Although the concept of a licence fee is backed by the majority of the committee, they have also been considering Germany's public service broadcasting funding model. This involves a household broadcasting levy, which is specific to a home, rather than a device such as a television set. The idea could be attractive to the government as it has cut evasion in Germany, so may also address the thorny issue of parliamentary backing for decriminalising non-payment of the licence fee. The BBC Trust, which was conceived a decade ago, came under fire during evidence given to the committee late last year. When the lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Javid appeared before the committee in October, he said that there are 'issues' around governance, 'particularly around accountability' and he was not sure if the changes in governance made to date would prove effective. The Trust launched in 2007, a timely compromise to the tricky situation the BBC found itself in following The Hutton Inquiry, when its predecessor, the board of governors, came under fire for being both the corporation's cheerleader and regulator (a criticism that the Trust has also subsequently faced). The committee's report is due out within the next couple of weeks. A BBC Trust spokeswoman said: 'We aren't going to speculate about the contents of a future committee report. Governance will be debated at the time of charter review, along with a whole range of other issues and we will want to participate in that discussion. We have been clear both that the BBC's independence needs to be protected and that there must be strong oversight and regulation of the corporation in the interests of licence fee payers.'

Atlantis will not return to BBC1 for a third series. The fantasy drama will not be re-commissioned once the current run has finished airing, the Digital Spy website has reported. A BBC spokesperson is quoted as saying: 'The final seven episodes of Atlantis will transmit on BBC1 in spring. We would like to thank Urban Myth Films and all the cast and crew but the series will not be re-commissioned. We are very proud of both series but to keep increasing the range of BBC One drama we have to make difficult decisions to bring new shows through.'

The cast of ITV's The Frankenstein Chronicles has been announced. Yer actual Sean Bean will lead the drama as Inspector John Marlott, who will pursue a terrifying foe through 1827 London, in what is described as 'a mix of the investigative and horror genres.' Joining Bean is his Game of Thrones colleague Kate Dickie, who played Lysa Arryn on the HBO show. The six-part period drama sees Marlott recruited by the Home Secretary Robert Peel after an assembly of body parts is discovered, arranged in a bizarre attempt at a human form. Marlott soon finds himself tracking down an unhinged killer through the fog-board streets of Old London Town, and that. Also appearing in the series will be Robbie Gee, Ed Stoppard, Anna Maxwell Martin, Charlie Creed-Miles, Elliot Cowan, Hugh O'Conor, Joe Tucker, Lalor Roddy, Patrick Fitzsymons, Richie Campbell, Ryan Sampson, Samuel West, Shaun Mason, Steve Wilson, Steven Berkoff, Stuart Graham, Tom Ward and Vanessa Kirby. Quality cast. ITV's director of drama, Steve November, said about the show: 'The Frankenstein Chronicles is an epic reworking of one of literature and cinema's most iconic stories. We're delighted to be working with Benjamin Ross, Barry Langford and the team at Rainmark Films with the vision to bring Mary Shelley's Frankenstein back to life.' EMMy-nominated director and writer Ross, who created the series along with Langford, said: 'Marlott's investigation takes him into the dark corners of Regency London. He discovers an underworld of prostitution, drug smuggling, bodysnatching and murder for profit. The rational evidence points first one way and then another as he contemplates a frightening alternate scenario.' Filming on the series is due to begin in Northern Ireland this month, with further casting information due to be announced soon.

Kelly Hoppen has left The Dragons' Den. The interior designer will bow out of the BBC2 show at the end of the upcoming series, which began broadcasting this weekend. She joined the programme back in 2013 as a replacement for Hilary Devey. Hoppen said: 'After two great years as an investor on Dragons' Den, I have decided the current series will be my last. I have had a brilliant time and made several successful investments. It has been a privilege to be part of a programme which champions entrepreneurs. However, due to a packed schedule and international commitments, including a new venture designing film sets, I sadly cannot commit to the filming schedule. I will continue to work and invest in young entrepreneurs. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time on Dragons' Den and met many inspiring entrepreneurs along my journey. I will miss my fellow judges and I'm sure someone amazing will fill my seat. I wish everyone on the show the best luck. What's left to say but, "I'm out."'

Rob Lowe and Jenna Fischer have been cast in Apocalypse Slough. Sky1 and NBC's upcoming comedy-drama series follows a group of seemingly unconnected characters, as their lives start to intersect when it is reported that a large comet will collide with Earth. Lowe is playing Father Jude, a rebellious priest at the Vatican. He is described as a man with 'profound and passionate faith', but that faith is shaken when he learns of the impending ka-splatty apocalypse-type situation. Meanwhile, Fischer will appear as 'mild-mannered Rhonda', extremely sent to prison in New Mexico for a crime that she did not commit. Her wish is to be reunited with her family. Others appearing in the drama include Megan Mullally, Pauline Quirke, Mathew Baynton, Paterson Joseph and Joel Fry. Mullally plays Leanne, a white supremacist who takes Rhonda under her wing. Baynton will feature as bank manager Jamie, inspired by the impending apocalypse to find his wife - who disappeared in mysterious circumstances seven years ago. Quirke will play Jamie's mother Paula and Fry is confirmed as Jamie's hedonistic best friend, Dave. Joseph is cast as General Gaines, who briefs the President on high-level military matters. Apocalypse Slough is produced by Working Title and Bigballs Films. Lowe said: 'I've always been a fan of the kind of smart, ambitious and challenging film-making that comes from Sky and Working Title. This script and my character in particular blew me away.' Sky1 director Adam MacDonald added: 'Apocalypse Slough is a world-class, high-concept new drama for Sky1. The show has bundles of energy, vibrancy and laughter, as well as delivering an exuberant heart-working story on an epic scale.'
You've probably seen this clip by now, dear blog reader but, if not, here's the moment when ITV News reporter Ria Chatterjee was talking about delays on the Eurostar, live, when, behind her, an accident occurred. Ouch. Bet that hurt. Ria herself has written a blog piece on the incident. 'I was about thirty seconds into my live about the Eurostar and Eurotunnel chaos when I heard a loud bang. I felt my heart leap. Any reporter knows that a sudden distraction in the middle of a live monologue can end in a jumbled mess of words and a sheepish throw back to the studio. However, I knew I didn't have much left to say so I persisted and calmly threw back to the presenter.'
Next up, on ITV’s Thursday lunchtime news bulletin, a chap was seen walking behind Romilly Weeks during her live broadcast from Westminster. Nothing unusual in that, except he was rather proudly holding up a dead squirrel. As you do. And, finally, there was Richard Edgar's report from Davos on Friday, where a chap greedily chomping down his lunch like a geet starver, with all the dignity of Ed Milimolimandi consuming a bacon sandwich, proved an unwelcome distraction.
Brendan O'Carroll has confirmed that he is working on a new comedy for BBC1. The Mrs Brown's Boys creator also revealed that there is 'other stuff' the BBC are keen for him to do. Speaking to the Radio Times, O'Carroll said: 'We are working on a pilot of my very first play, called The Course. The story's about a man who gives a positive mental attitude course to complete losers in the effort to try and get them to sell insurance door to door. It should be fun!' He added: 'I have to say there's other stuff I want to do, and there's other stuff the BBC want me to do. Maybe we'll try something. If it doesn't work we'll go back to Mrs Brown!' In December, the BBC confirmed that although there would be no new series of Mrs Brown's Boys in the foreseeable future, Christmas specials were still going to be made for the next few years. 'The nice thing about the series is that we can drop in and out any time we like because we keep Mrs Brown kind of warm with the Christmas specials,' O'Carroll added.
Bill Bailey will star in a spoof music video with Emma Thompson in one of a number of 'funny Valentines' to be made on-demand first on the BBC's iPlayer. As part of a season of Valentine's Day programming, Bill will re-imagine one of his most popular songs, 'Love Song', with a new video in which an obsessive loner's life is turned upside down by a mysterious beauty, played by Thompson. Other funny Valentines in the iPlayer series feature Matt Berry, Russ Abbot and the creators of Modern Toss.

Cricket fans were treated to something approaching the miracle of the resurrection this week when a seagull appeared to rise, Lazarus-like, from the dead after being clonked with a ball. Perth Scorchers batsman Adam Voges smashed the ball right into the path of the bird with somewhat ka-splatty style results, only for it to suddenly spring back to life moments later. Which, you can see here. The first bit you might want to avoid if you're of a somewhat squeamish disposition. During the Big Bash Twenty20 clash between the Scorchers and the Melbourne Stars, fielder Rob Quiney carried the seemingly deceased bird's body to the boundary. Seconds later, however, the bird re-emerged triumphantly, much to the relief of some of the thirty thousand spectators (there were others who, admittedly, couldn't give a stuff it being, after all, just a seagull). The incident prompted the Network Ten commentators to suggest 'that's a bigger recovery since Rick McCosker in the Centenary Test here at the MCG', a reference to the Australian cricketer who batted in the second innings of the 1977 test against England with a broken jaw. However, the drama was far from over, as the bird then attempted to pick a fight with the ball, flying straight towards it before being pipped by another fielder. 'The bird was taken outside into Yarra Park at the change of innings and released into the park when it was clear that the bird's health was okay,' MCG Media and Publicity Adviser Sarah Gordon told the Big Bash website.
Wor geet canny Robson Green has talked about the final series of Strike Back, which will be broadcast later this year. The actor, presenter, Newcastle United fan and pro-celebrity fisherman stars as Colonel Philip Locke in the Sky1 and Cinemax action series, which returns after a two-year gap due to an injury to Wor geet canny Robson's co-star Sullivan Stapleton. 'It's the best yet,' he told the Digital Spy website. 'Michael Bassett directs an absolutely thrilling end to what has been an incredible action series for television. What an experience, hitting fifty and taking on North Korea and saving the Western world from a missile attack.' Wor geet canny Robson said that he continues to enjoy filming action scenes, despite hitting the age milestone last year. 'The action scenes are fine - [with] any series you've got to look after yourself,' he explained. 'There's this wonderful guy I've trained with forever called Adam Shepherd. He actually just texted me five minutes ago saying, "Are you ready for a good workout tomorrow?" At least four times a week I'll train with him, just keeping in shape for those things. So when it says on paper "Locke takes out four Yakuza unharmed and then runs two hundred metres at high speed firing as he goes and takes out another seventeen of the enemy, jumps into a helicopter that then explodes in air but lands in a jungle and still lives to tell the tale" it's great fun to do. There's great stuntmen but, usually, it's us doing them.' Wor geet canny Robson also spoke about his ITV series Grantchester, which achieved more than respectable ratings for its debut series in 2014. 'It got great figures, James Norton is an absolute darling to work with and it's probably one of the happiest drama shoots I've ever been on,' he said. 'It was such a wonderful and professional shoot and, socially, I get on with James wonderfully. I think that shows on the lens. That relationship really works. He just finished Lady Chatterley's Lover and he's now doing War & Peace, so he sends me pictures of him in a wheelchair playing Lady Chatterley's husband and I'm sending him pictures of me holding a Golden Dorado in Bolivia [for Ultimate Catch]! I think I win in that imagery. "I'm always superseding his pictures. He'd send me one of a film set and then I'd send him one of me with the Guarani tribe in the Bolivian jungle with a jaguar in the background!'

FOX has ordered four new pilots, including a remake of the BBC's Luther. The acclaimed thriller - which starred Idris Elba in the lead role - was given a pilot commitment by the network last year. Elba is not expected to reprise his role in the one-hour pilot (especially as he's likely to be a bit busy filming a recent confirmed two-part Luther special for the BBC), but he will serve as executive producer alongside the series creator Neil Cross. Frankenstein has also received a one-hour pilot order, which chronicles the story of a morally corrupt retired cop, who is given a chance to change his ways when he is brought back from the dead. Ray Pritchard will be forced to choose between a new perspective on life or falling back into his old habits. Rand Ravich is writing the pilot and executive producing with Howard Gordon. A third drama, Rosewood, is an investigative series which follows a Miami-based private pathologist Doctor Beaumont Rosewood, who is able to unearth secrets in bodies using his state-of-the-art lab. Todd Harthan is writing the pilot and will also executive produce. The final pilot is a single camera comedy entitled Forty Eight Hours 'Til Monday about 'one husband's desperate struggle to not let every weekend go completely to hell.' Charlie Grandy is writing the pilot alongside Peter Traugott and Rachel Kaplan, who are executive producing. FOX recently ordered a remake of the movie Minority Report, while also renewing Empire, Gotham and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

The BBC is launching an award in honour of its presenter, Komla Dumor, a year after his unexpected death aged forty one. Komla Dumor was an exceptional Ghanaian broadcaster who in his short life made an extraordinary impact - in Ghana, in Africa and around the world. He represented a confident, savvy and entrepreneurial side of Africa. Through his tenacious journalism and compelling storytelling, Komla worked tirelessly to bring a more nuanced African narrative to the world. The BBC is committed to continuing Komla's legacy and have announced the launch of the BBC World News Komla Dumor Award. The award will be given to an outstanding individual living and working in Africa, who combines strong journalism skills and an exceptional talent in telling African stories, with the ambition and potential to become a star of the future. Through the award, the BBC say they will 'invest in the future of African journalism' by offering the winner the chance to come to the BBC and share Africa's stories with the rest of the world. The winner will be given an opportunity to gain recognition and experience, working with teams across BBC News during a three month placement in London.

It is not all glitz and glamour being a BBC presenter, it would seem. Historian Suzannah Lipscomb suffered for her art whilst filming her - excellent - BBC4 programme Hidden Killers Of The Tudor Home. In previous Hidden Killers conceits, Suze has had to run up and downstairs in a corset until she thought she was going to faint, knelt in the footwell of a car with her head stuck out of the window as the two-foot Marie Antoinette wig she was wearing wouldn't fit in the car and learned how to joust in chain-mail. In the new Tudor Hidden Killers episode, broadcast on Tuesday of this week, viewers saw Suzannah plunge into a freezing cold pond in woollen Tudor attire to demonstrate how easy it was to drown in the highly-absorbent clothing worn during days of yore. As Suzannah told the Gruniad Morning Star: 'TV gives me a fascinating opportunity to learn about the past by experiencing the physical reality of the age, but I admit I never quite envisaged – back when I was slogging for my doctorate in Oxford – some of the more bizarre activities I would engage in for the sake of history.'

The mayor of Paris has said that the city intends to sue FOX News for its inaccurate reporting about the city following the attack on the magazine Charlie Hebdo. The US network, infamously and entirely incorrectly, claimed that there were 'no-go areas' in the French capital where police and non-Muslims refused to go before apologising for such nonsense. Anne Hidalgo said that the people of Paris had been 'insulted' and the city's image had been 'damaged'. Yes, but only to Americans - and to FOX News viewers at that. And, since most of those will never travel more than twenty five miles from their farmstead in Alabama where the cowshit lies thick, much less come to Europe, this blogger doesn't really think that this image damage was with anyone that actually matters. The network has since grovellingly apologised for making 'regrettable errors' on-air regarding the Muslim population. And, for 'talking shite', basically. Hidalgo told CNN: 'When we're insulted and when we've had an image, then I think we'll have to sue.' Well, that's certainly the way they usually do things in America. 'I think we'll have to go to court, in order to have these words removed. The image of Paris has been prejudiced and the honour of Paris has been prejudiced.' In response, FOX News executive vice president Michael Clemente said: 'We empathise with the citizens of France as they go through a healing process and return to everyday life. However, we find the Mayor's comments regarding a lawsuit misplaced.' FOX has also apologised for comments by terror expert Steven Emerson, who claimed Birmingham was 'totally Muslim' and ruled by Sharia law. FOX News host Jeanine Pirro subsequently said Emerson had 'made a serious factual error that we wrongly let stand unchallenged and uncorrected.' Whether any Brummies fancy suing FOX News as well is not, at this time, known. Though the thought of any Aston Villa fans attempting to prove that the visiting penalty area at Villa Park is anything but a 'no-go zone' should be interesting.
Brian Blessed collapsed on stage with an apparent heart problem while playing the lead in King Lear - but, thankfully, later returned to the stage to finish the performance. The seventy eight-year-old had just started the play at Holy Trinity Church in Guildford, on Monday, when he appeared to faint and fall off a raised platform. His co-star, Noel White, playing the Earl of Kent, said: 'This is not part of the play,' and asked if there was a doctor in the house. After being assessed by a surgeon, Brian completed the show. Walking back on stage after twenty minutes - and, reportedly, a nice cup of sweet milky tea - Blessed said: 'I feel such an idiot and am not in the habit of doing this, but I have a little fibrillation.' Tragically, he didn't follow this with a bellow of 'Blessed's alive!' Though it would have been ruddy funny if he had. Daily Scum Mail theatre critic Quentin Letts was at the performance, and said it was 'far from clear [Blessed] would be able to continue and his fellow actors looked terribly worried about him. But there was no stopping him. "Let's keep going!" I heard him whisper as he made his first exit after the resumed start.' Guildford Shakespeare Company director Caroline Devlin said: 'Brian was an inspirational wonder. He had a small heart operation three years ago. We are not entirely sure why he became so dizzy but he is a twenty year old in a seventy eight year old's body. There was no stopping him.' The actor returned to the stage without problem for Tuesday night's performance and will appear for the rest of the show's sold-out run. Speaking to What's On Stage before the production began, Brian had stressed that the role required 'colossal energy levels. I think a big mistake with playing King Lear is to make him too senile,' he said. 'Mine is much more powerful, I hope, even a touch of Genghis Khan. The man is a majestic, powerful creature with great energy. He has a slight heart problem, I think, and is prone to mental storms. But the main thing is that it must gallop apace; I've been to productions that last five and half hours, and that is not on.' Known for his booming voice and gregarious manner, Brian found fame in BBC series Z-Cars and later went on to star in Flash Gordon and Kenneth Branagh's Much Ado About Nothing. And, courtesy of the excellent Vada magazine, here's seven reasons why Brian Blessed is one of the greatest human beings currently - and thankfully - alive.

Lara Pulver and Peter Davison have joined the cast of Gypsy. The pair will join Imelda Staunton in the Chichester Festival Theatre production, which will transfer to London's West End in March. Pulver will reprise the role of Louise, while Davison joins the cast to play Herbie. The production returns to London for the first time in forty years for a limited run at the Savoy Theatre from 15 April, with previews from 28 March. Gypsy tells the true story of Momma Rose who travelled across the US with her daughters Baby June and Louise in search of vaudeville success in a changing age of entertainment. Gypsy is a musical fable with a book by Arthur Laurents, music by Jule Styne and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim suggested by the memoirs of Gypsy Rose Lee. the current production is choreographed by Stephen Mear.

Simon Pegg his very self will,reportedly, co-write the script for the next Star Trek movie, after the original screenwriter left the project. Roberto Orci, who was also slated to direct Star Trek 3, pulled out last month allegedly after disagreements over the script. Orci, who co-wrote the last two films in the series, has been replaced in the director's chair by Justin Lin, best known for the Fast and Furious movies. Pegg has taken over scripting with the help of TV writer Doug Jung. Simon will also, of course, reprise his role as Scotty in the franchise, which was successfully relaunched by JJ Abrams in 2009. Paramount still hopes to meet the scheduled release date of July 2016. Pegg rose to fame in British TV comedies Big Train and Spaced, before being cast as Benji Dunn in Tom Cruise's Mission: Impossible films. He has previously scripted box office hits Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World's End - the so-called 'cornetto trilogy"'of British comedies with director Edgar Wright. His role on the as-yet-titled Star Trek film was confirmed by Harmony Carrigan, who runs Pegg's Twitter account earlier this week.

A famous house inspired by the cult TV show Thunderbirds has finally sold ten years after it went on the market - for a knocked down 1.9 million smackers. Property developer Eddie Mitchell built the lavish home based on Tracy Island, the fictional headquarters of the International Rescue organisation, in 2005. The futuristic home, in the millionaire's enclave of Sandbanks, Dorset, first went on the market for four million notes, with a queue of about one hundred people waiting to see it during an open day. Despite the level of early interest and rumours that Oasis singer Liam Gallagher his very self was keen to buy it, Thunderbird failed to sell. In between being rented out for six grand a month, the property has been re-listed several times since, but with no buyers. It went back on the market last April for three million knicker and has now finally sold for £1.1m less than that figure to one Julian Jones, the chief executive of an international oil drilling consultancy. Property experts have described the deal as 'a snip.' The sale would appear to represent a loss for Thunderbirds fan Mitchell, who paid nine hundred grand for the land in 2000 and is believed to have spent between one and two million smackers on building the house. itself Last week, it emerged that receivers had been called in to seize two flats near to Poole Harbour which are owned by his development company, according to the Torygraph. Mitchell designed Thunderbird to look like the base for the International Rescue team, complete with a massive wing-shaped roof made of copper. The building has five en-suite bedrooms, another three bathrooms, cinema room, luxury fitted kitchen and one hundred feet living space spanning the ground floor. Sounds like a tasty gaff, not unlike Stately Telly Topping Manor. However, the four-storey property has been nicknamed by locals as The Marmite House, because people either love it or hate it. In 2006, Poole council gave it a 'Pride of Place' award for its 'innovative design' that made a positive contribution to the area. It has now been sold through estate agents Key Drummond. A spokesman said: 'Over the years there has been a lot of interest in it, but for one reason or another it hasn't sold. It was rented out for a number of years so there wasn't much of an opportunity to buy it.'
Cilla Black is among a number of celebrities to have settled phone-hacking claims for 'substantial' damages, the High Court has been told. Her son, Robert Willis, the actor Darren Day, EastEnders actress Jessie Wallace and z-list reality TV regular Peter Andre also settled claims, all against Mirra Group Newspapers. Their barrister, David Sherborne, said that their privacy was 'grossly violated' by the odious newspapers, 'solely for profit'. MGN counsel Matthew Nicklin QC offered 'sincere apologies' on its behalf. Sadly, he didn't offer any apologies for the Mirra Group denying for several years that they'd done it until the weight of evidence against them became overwhelming. That, as they say, was an opportunity missed. The hacking was alleged to have taken place between 2000 and 2006. Sherborne read out statements on behalf of Cilla and her son, Andre, Day and Wallace as well as for a further five people whose settlements have previously been reported. They are the former head coach of the England football team, Sven-Goran Eriksson, ex-Doctor Who actor Christopher Eccleston, David and Victoria Beckham's former nanny Abbie Gibson, the actor Shane Richie's wife Christie Roche and his friend and agent Phil Dale. He said: 'In summary, these ten individuals all bring claims that cover unlawful activity by each of the three newspaper titles [the Daily Mirra, the Sunday Mirra and the Sunday People] over a lengthy period. They have all expressed their feelings of distress and anger that their private information has been treated in this way and their privacy has been so grossly violated by these newspapers solely for profit.'Nicklin said, grovellingly, that MGN 'accepts that the methods which were used to obtain private information about these ten individuals through the unlawful accessing of their voicemails and the obtaining of their personal information should never have been employed' - which is big of them - and that there was 'no legitimate justification' for them doing so in the first place. No shit? He added: 'MGN is here today, through me, to offer its sincere apologies to these claimants for the damage and distress caused to them by hacking into their voicemail messages and by obtaining private information about them, including the use of blagging.' Nicklin said that MGN was paying 'substantial sums by way of damages and their reasonable costs.' No damages figures were announced as part of the statements read to the court. Other celebrities have previously taken action against MGN, which is a subsidiary of Trinity Mirra, and filed claims over alleged hacking. They include Shane Richie his very self, the soap actresses Shobna Gulati and Lucy Benjamin and the BBC creative director Alan Yentob. In September last year Trinity Mirra finally admitted for the first time that some of its journalists had been involved in phone-hacking and said that it would pay compensation to four people. This, please remember, after years of denials that it or any of its employees had ever, not never, done any of that there phone-hacking malarkey, no-siree, Bob. At the time the company was thought to have set aside between eight and nine million smackers to settle phone-hacking claims and legal costs. Whether that'll be enough before this thing is over is another matter entirely. Scores of people have also reached similar settlements with the publisher of the disgraced and disgraceful Scum Of The World after extremely taking legal action against the former tabloid, shut in shame and ignominy in 2011.

Four Sun journalists accused of making corrupt and naughty payments to public officials face a retrial after a jury failed to reach verdicts on any of the defendants. After nine days of deliberations the jury at Kingston crown court was unable to reach verdicts on charges against Chris Pharo, the paper’s head of news, Ben O’Driscoll, the former deputy news editor, Jamie Pyatt, the Thames Valley district reporter and Graham Dudman, the paper’s former managing editor. The jury were immediately discharged by judge Richard Marks. Oliver Glasgow QC, for the prosecution, said that the crown would seek a retrial with a date to be set at the Old Bailey on 6 February. The jury was discharged after forty eight hours and fifty five minutes. Marks said: 'The defendants have had this hanging over them for some considerable amount of time. I know that in some cases they have been suspended from work and the matter must really be resolved one way or another sooner or later. Certainly the trial must take place this year.' Thanking the jury, he told them that jurors sometimes faced difficult cases and 'this was clearly one such case.' He thanked the counsel and then, turning to the public gallery, paid tribute to the conduct of 'the defendants and their families; they have behaved with great dignity throughout. I recognise it is an unfortunate ending from their point of view, but these things can happen.' The public gallery was overflowing for the verdict, with family, friends and about fifteen Sun journalists there to show their support, many of whom were forced to sit in the barristers' benches for the jury decision. The mood was sombre and subdued as they left the court. Outside, the defendants expressed a mixture of relief that the three-month ordeal was over but apprehension about what was to come. 'It could have been worse,' remarked one. Indeed. You could have been spending the night in the cells instead of your own bed. Nice to see a bit of the old glass-half-full attitude, is it not? The defendants had been extremely accused of conspiring with a series of public officials to leak sick and intrusive stories about celebrities, criminals and victims of crime – including the Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe, Simply Red singer Mick Hucknall and the investigation into murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler. They denied all of the charges. Among those who appeared in court in a show of solidarity were former co-defendants John Edwards, the Sun's picture editor and John Troup, the paper's former East Anglia correspondent, both of whom were cleared of related charges on Friday of last week. Trevor Kavanagh, the paper's associate editor, was also in the gallery. 'I think the defendants have gone through purgatory,' he whinged. 'Their lives and the lives of their families have been damaged. It's hard to know what now could compensate them for that, even in the circumstances of an acquittal.' Or, indeed, in the circumstances of an extremely guilty verdict which the retrial may result in. Again, it's a swings and roundabouts thing, innit? It is the third case the crown has brought against journalists in relation to alleged corrupt payments that has resulted in a hung jury. Last year, a jury failed to reach a verdict in the case of the Sun reporter Vince Soodin while former Scum of the World editor - and the Prime Minister's former, if you will' chum', Andy Coulson is to face a retrial along with the paper's former royal editor Clive Goodman on 29 June. Two further Sun journalists already acquitted of offences linked to alleged payments to public officials are the Whitehall editor, Clodagh Hartley and chief foreign correspondent, Nick Parker. The jury sat for sixty four days over three months with several dramatic twists and turns over the last few days. The trial was thrown into disarray on Wednesday afternoon when one member of the jury complained that he could no longer cope with 'the pressure' of the deliberations, telling the judge in a note that he was 'on the verge of a panic attack.' The juror was discharged and the remaining eleven were told to find verdicts on the basis of an eleven-to-zero vote or ten-to-one. After just under two and a half hours of deliberations on Thursday, they revealed they were still deadlocked and there was no prospect of reaching even a majority verdict. Pyatt had faced two charges of paying an alleged backhanders to a Surrey police officer, Simon Quinn, and to a Broadmoor orderly, Robert Neave, for stories. Pharo, who faced three charges, was accused of knowing about both sources and a third source, a Chelsea police officer who was said to have been leaking information to another Sun journalist, who cannot be named for legal reasons. O'Driscoll was cleared of knowing about Quinn, but faced two other charges – that he was part of the Chelsea policeman conspiracy and the alleged conspiracy to pay Neave for information on high profiles prisoners such Peter Sutcliffe. Dudman faced three charges - one that he was involved in the Neave plot and another separate charge that he paid an unnamed police officer for a 'seismic' tip about a family liaison officer in the Soham murder investigation being arrested over indecent images of children. He was cleared of the third count along with Troup, that he had plotted to pay an unknown prison officer for a story about the suicide of career criminal.

Former Scum of the World editor and the Prime Minister's former, if you will, 'chum' Andy Coulson is to face a retrial in June over allegations he paid for confidential royal phone directories from corrupt police officers. Coulson, who left the paper in 2007 after a phone-hacking scandal and went on to become David Cameron's head of communications, is extremely accused of approving payments for the phone books in 2003 and 2005. The books contained details of the royal household and were allegedly sold to the paper's royal editor Clive Goodman in 2003 and 2005. Goodman is also facing a retrial. Coulson, who edited the Scum of the World from 2003 to 2006, was very jailed for eighteen months last July for 'overseeing a culture of phone-hacking' at the disgraced and disgraceful Sunday tabloid. The jury in the marathon hacking trial could not agree a verdict on the separate charges about corrupt payments and they were discharged. Mr Justice Saunders, who presided over the hacking trial, said that Coulson and Goodman would stand trial again on 29 June on two charges of misconduct in public office. Coulson was released from prison in November last year after serving a mere two months of his term. Charges that Coulson and Goodman had allegedly purchased royal phone books from police officers were brought after Scotland Yard was handed e-mails from their former employer, News International, in which the royal reporter requested payment for 'a rare and just printed palace staff phone book' from 'a palace cop'. He and Goodman were very accused of paying a grand to a police officer at St James's Palace for a copy of the royal directory known as The Green Book. It was alleged that Goodman organised the deal in January 2003 and Coulson approved payment by e-mail. They face a similar claim from June 2005, of paying another thousand knicker for another internal royal directory. Coulson and Goodman deny two counts of misconduct in a public office. A case management hearing will be held in April, with a trial set to begin on 29 June.

According to Metro, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's bottom tattoo has been 'voted the worst ever.' And this constituted 'news', apparently. This blgoger does not, necessarily, disagree with the results of this poll - which was carried out by Premier Laser Clinic, it would seem. He merely wonders a) why anyone would carry out such a poll in the first place and b) who the fuck voted in it?

Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has lost a High Court battle over being held personally liable for the rent on a London pub he bought. The pub deal took place when Ramsay's father-in-law, Christopher Hutcheson, was working with him to build his restaurant empire. The chef claimed that his signature had been forged on a document which made him the personal guarantor for the pub's rent. He had accused Hutcheson of using 'a ghost writer machine' to do this. The machines are frequently used by authors to sign books and photographs automatically. Ramsay said the document made him liable for six hundred and forty thousand knicker annual rent for the York & Albany pub near Regent's Park. However, Mr Justice Morgan dismissed as 'entirely implausible' Ramsay's claim that he did not know the full extent of the use of the ghost machine. The judge said: 'Accordingly, I find that Mr Ramsay knew, long before the entry into the agreement for lease and the lease of the premises, that the machine was routinely used to place his signature on legal documents. I do not accept his evidence to the contrary.' He refused to grant a declaration that the rental guarantee was 'not binding' because Ramsay's signature 'was not lawfully authorised' when the twenty five year lease was signed in 2007. 'I find that when Mr Hutcheson committed Mr Ramsay to the guarantee in the lease of the premises, Mr Hutcheson was acting within the wide general authority conferred on him by Mr Ramsay at all times until Mr Hutcheson's dismissal in October 2010,' the judge added. Ramsay, the star of several food programmes including Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, had told the judge that he felt 'like a performing monkey' while building his multimillion-pound culinary empire, with Hutcheson managing his business. Ramsay's wife, Tana, said what had happened had been 'extremely distressing.' The couple married in 1996 and have four children. Hutcheson acted as business manager for the Ramsay group of companies until he was sacked in 2010.

The Sun has published a picture of a topless woman on Page Three and mocked a number of media outlets that said the long-running feature had been dropped. On Tuesday, the Sun's sister paper, The Times claimed that the tabloid would no longer feature Page Three girls - but one appeared in the Sun's Thursday edition. The supposed ending of Page Three was widely reported, despite the Sun neither confirming or denying it. On the page, the Sun'apologises' on behalf of all those who ran the story. The Sun announced Page Three's continuation with a trail on the front page that reads: 'We've had a mammary lapse.' It heads the image of the woman - with massive knockers - who is seen winking into the camera, A caption under the photograph reads: 'Further to recent reports in all other media outlets, we would like to clarify that this is Page Three' and this was a picture of Sexy Stunna Naughty Nicole, twenty two, from Bournemouth. Whom, one supposes, her parents are very proud of. 'We would like to apologise on behalf of the print and broadcast journalists who have spent the last two days talking and writing about us,' they continued in a thoroughly obnoxious sneering tone. Page Three has been a feature of the Sun for forty four years but has been widely criticised for being sexist and outdated. The Sun does not always have Page Three pictures - they purposefully do not appear in the paper's weekend editions and, in recent years, there have been many weekdays where the paper did not feature a topless lady on the page.The absence of a Page Three girl on Monday and Tuesday of this week coincided with the report in Tuesday's Times, which is a fellow News UK title, that the Sun had decided to quietly drop the feature. The Times said it 'understood' that News Corp executive chairman, the billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch had 'signed off' the decision. In its latest edition, The Times put the record straight, saying its sister paper had 'made a clean breast of it and admitted there's still some nudes to report.' The Sun's topless images have long drawn protests from campaigners, with an online petition against their use attracting more than two hundred thousand signatures. Campaign group No More Page Three was founded in 2012 and has since gained support from a number of MPs and anti-sexism charities. The Irish edition of the Sun stopped topless pictures two years ago. Media commentator Steve Hewlett told the BBC's Newsnight programme that he believed Page Three still did not have a future. He said: '[The Sun] has always had a sense of mischief about it and, I might be wrong, but this smells to me very much like the Sun trying to say 'don't write us off yet, we still have a sense of mischief." Is Page Three on its way back full time? Personally, I very much doubt it.' Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said that editors were free to publish 'what they like.' But, he added, Page Three was not 'in keeping with the way in which women both want to be and should be represented.' Page Three of Monday's Sun had featured model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in lingerie, while Hollyoaks actresses Jennifer Metcalfe and Gemma Merna were photographed in bikinis on a beach on Tuesday.

Coronation Street actress Anne Kirkbride, who played the character of Deirdre Barlow in the long-running television soap, died earlier this week aged sixty after a short illness. ITV said that the actress, who was in the show for forty two years, died peacefully in a Manchester hospital. Her husband, David Beckett and the programme's cast and crew were said to be 'heartbroken and deeply saddened.' Co-star William Roache, who played her on-screen husband Ken Barlow for many years, said that she would be 'greatly missed.' Roache added: 'I feel Anne's loss so personally having worked closely with her for over forty years. She was such a loving and vibrant person. You always knew she was there because her laugh was never far away. She was an impeccable performer with superb comedy timing and an immense gift for really heightened drama. We had some rows over the years as Ken and Deirdre and it was wonderful to play those scenes opposite her. Coronation Street has lost one of its iconic characters and Anne will be greatly missed.' She was married four times in the programme, twice to Ken. The popularity of her character was demonstrated when a real-life campaign was launched to free Deirdre when a storyline saw the character jailed in 1998 after being duped into a mortgage fraud by fiancé Jon Lindsay. The campaign was even backed by Prime Minister Tony Blair. Who, seemingly, didn't have anything better to do with his time like, you know, invade a small country in search of weapons of mass destruction that didn't exist. Or something. Born in Oldham in 1954, Anne was noticed by casting directors for Coronation Street when she acted in a Jack Rosenthal Granada play, Another Sunday and Sweet FA and she first appeared Coronation Street in November 1972 as Deirdre Hunt. Over the years became known for her character's large glasses and husky voice. Notoriously shy of publicity off-screen, in 1998, Anne refused to appear on This Is Your Life during a period where, she later revealed, she was battling severe depression. She married former actor David Beckett in 1992. They met on the set of Coronation Street, when Beckett joined the cast another of Deirdre's boyfriends. In 1993, Kirkbride was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. She spoke to the British press about her bout of depression following the diagnosis. She was in remission from the disease within a year of being diagnosed. Deirdre Barlow had been off-screen recently after Kirkbride was give a three-month break by the show's producers. Coronation Street's creator Tony Warren said: 'Anne was very easy to love. Her talent over the years made a massive contribution to Coronation Street.' Kate Ford, who plays Deirdre's daughter Tracy Barlow, tweeted: 'Heartbroken at the loss of my friend and beautiful on-screen mummy. The most crazy, funny one hundred per cent human. My life was enriched by her.'Coronation Street executive producer Kieran Roberts said: 'There are no words to describe the sense of grief we feel at Anne's passing. We know only too acutely how much Anne meant to the millions of people who watched her create the legendary character of Deirdre Barlow. She will be greatly missed by the Coronation Street team who share happy memories of working with her. We feel blessed and honoured to have known her. Our thoughts are with David and their family.'

Barrie Ingham, the distinguished Shakespearean actor whose career took him from London's West End to Broadway and Disney's animated screen, died on Friday at his home in Palm Beach Gardens in Florida. Another of that generation of great British character actors, Barrie was a leading man of many stage production and voiced the Basil of Baker Street character in Disney's 1986 animated movie The Great Mouse Detective. He died after a brief illness just weeks before his eighty third birthday. Born in Halifax, in West Yorkshire, Barrie featured in over two hundred British and American films and TV productions. Barrie made his acting début in Manchester with the Library Theatre Company and then he moved to London's Old Vic. He also performed with the Royal Shakespeare Company (where he regularly acted opposite his contemporary Judi Dench), the Mermaid Theatre Company and the Royal National Theatre. After playing Sejanus in Granada TV's The Caesars (1968), he had a spell as an ambitious government minister in The Power Game in 1969. In 1971 took the leading role in the series Hine, as the titular unscrupulous arms dealer. Sir John Gielgud gave him his Broadway début and he subsequently played in many Broadway musicals, including Copperfield On Broadway and opposite Angela Lansbury in the London production of Gypsy: A Musical Fable in 1973. He also appeared as King Pellinore in the 1981 revival of Camelot to critical acclaim. He was also one of only a handful of actors to appear in both the Star Trek and Doctor Who franchises. He played Paris in the 1965 Doctor Who Trojan four-parter The Myth Makers and also appeared - in a memorable blond wig - as the Thal Alydon in the movie Dr Who & The Daleks in the same year. Many years later, having relocated to the US, he was Danilo O'Dell in the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode Up The Long Ladder. He also played Major Muncaster in the 1965 SF film Invasion, based on a story by Robert Holmes and appeared in both The Avengers and Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased). One of his last roles was in the 2005 mini-series, The Triangle as well as appearing in the Josh Kirby Time Warrior! series. His CV also includes appearances in The Victorians, The Scales Of Justice, Blackmail, Thirty Minute Theatre, The Sweeney, Keen and Funny Man. For a number of years, as one of the few British actors working in US television, he became much in demand playing villains in series like Tales Of The Gold Monkey, Hart To Hart, The A-Team and The Fall Guy. he was also in Bergerac (in the well remembered Christmas ghost-story episode Fires In The Fall) and movies including A Challenge For Robin Hood (in the title role) and The Day Of The Jackal. Barrie is survived by his wife of over fifty years, Tarne, their daughters Catrin, Liane, Francesca and Mali and eight grandchildren.

Edgar Froese, the founding member of the German electronic group Tangerine Dream, has died in Vienna, aged seventy. Edgar died unexpectedly on Friday after a pulmonary embolism, his son, Jerome, said. Tangerine Dream's psychedelic and ambient trance-like use of synthesiser sound was a significant influence on the development of electronic music. Edgar once said that 'there is no death, there is just a change of our cosmic address.' Tangerine Dream released more than one hundred LPs since the group was formed. Their early 'Pink Years' music had a pivotal role in the development of Krautrock. Their work with Virgin in the mid to late 1970s helped define what became known as the Berlin School of electronic music. These and later LPs were influential in the development of electronic dance music and also the genre known as new-age music, although the band themselves reportedly disliked the term. From the late 1990s into the 2000s, Tangerine Dream also explored some styles of electronica. Edgar was born on D-Day - 6 June, 1944 - in Tilsit in East Prussia, which is now the Russian city of Sovetsk. Froese's father and other relatives were killed by the Nazis and the family lost all their belongings during the war. His mother and the rest of his family settled in West Berlin, where Edgar grew up and later studied art. His first band, the psychedelic rock-styled The Ones, was gradually dismantled after releasing only one single and Froese turned to experimentation, playing gigs with a variety of musicians. Most of these were in the infamous Zodiak Free Arts Lab in Berlin. The music was mixed with literature, painting and early forms of multimedia. Froese formed Tangerine Dream in Berlin in September 1967 with a group of fellow students including Klaus Schulze and Conrad Schnitzler. The band - with a constantly changing line-up focused around Froese's tape loops and synthesizer, was known for its uncompromising anti-pop performances and played at the villa of surrealist artist Salvador Dali in Spain. Their early LPs - Electronic Meditation, Alpha Centauri, Zeit and Atem - brought them a small but dedicated following in their homeland. The group later signed to Virgin after Froese had undertaken 'several bouts of chess on Richard Branson's houseboat on the Thames.' Their first LP for Virgin, Phaedra, in 1974 was considered a key work in the early electronic genre, with its sequencer-driven sound. It reached number fifteen in the UK charts although it sold only a few thousand copies in Germany. Froese was married to artist and photographer Monique Froese from 1974 until her death in 2000. Their son, Jerome, was a member of Tangerine Dream from 1990 to 2006. Edgar later remarried to the artist and musician Bianca Acquaye. Edgar was also a prolific artist, and from 2003 onwards created solo work under the name Edgar W Froese.

A NASA probe is to start photographing the icy world of Pluto, after travelling three billion miles and nine years to get near the dwarf planet. The mission to Pluto is being billed as the last great encounter in planetary exploration. It is one of the first opportunities to study a dwarf planet up close. The pictures are critical to enable the New Horizons probe to position itself for a closer fly-by later this year. As the probe is still two hundred million kilometres away, Pluto will be hardly discernable in the images - just a speck of light against the stars. But the mission team says this view is needed to help line up the spacecraft correctly for its fly-by on 14 July. 'Optical navigation is one of those techniques where we image Pluto repetitively on approach to determine the position of the spacecraft relative to Pluto,' explained Mark Holdridge, from the Johns Hopkins University's Applied Physics Laboratory in Baltimore. 'We then perform a number of correction manoeuvres to realign our trajectory with the reference trajectory, thus ensuring we hit our aim point to travel through the Pluto system.' Any initial correction is likely to be made in March. When New Horizons arrives at Pluto it will be moving so fast - at almost fourteen kilometres a second - that going into orbit around the distant world is impossible; it must barrel straight through instead. One complication is that the seven different instruments aboard the spacecraft need to work at different distances to get their data so the team has constructed a very elaborate observation schedule for them all. But what this means is that very precise timing will be required to make sure the flyby runs smoothly. The closest approach to Pluto is set for around noon on 14 July - at a miss distance of roughly thirteen thousand six hundred and ninety five kilometres from the surface. Mission planners want the exact timings nailed to within one hundred seconds. New Horizons will know then where and when to point the instruments. For people like this blogger who grew up with the idea that there were nine planets, this is the moment they get to complete the set.Robotic probes have been to all the others, even the distant Uranus and Neptune. Pluto is the last of the 'classical nine' to receive a visit. Of course, this two thousand three hundred kilometre wide ice-covered rock was demoted in 2006 to the status of mere 'dwarf planet' - by pedants who believe that size is important, which it isn't - but scientists say that should not dull our enthusiasm. The dwarfs are the most numerous planetary class in the Solar System and NASA's New Horizons probe is one of the first opportunities to study an example up close. The first set of navigation pictures may not be anything special, but by May, the probe will be returning views of Pluto that are better anything from Hubble. Come July, the view should be spectacular, said Andy Cheng, the principal investigator on the probe's main camera, which is called LORRI. 'The most recent surprise we had was with the Rosetta mission. Hubble had made a "shape model" of Comet 67P but no-one expected it to look like a rubber duckie,' he told the BBC News website. 'I am more than hopeful that we will get similar surprises with New Horizons - it's what we should expect.' Those surprises could include yet more moons (five - Charon, Hydra, Styx, Nix and Kerberos - are currently known) and possibly even rings like those seen around some of the bigger planets. Pluto is currently five billion kilometres from Earth. It has taken New Horizons more than nine years to get to the dwarf's doorstep. Once the flyby is complete, the probe will be targeted at an even more distant object in the Kuiper Belt - the name given to the icy domain beyond the main planets. Scientists think this region of space may contain many thousands of Pluto-like objects, some of which may even rival Mars and the Earth in size. The first optical navigation images should be back on Earth by Tuesday at the latest. They will show Pluto with its largest moon, Charon.

This very week, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping had his first dips back in the local pool in about six weeks. And, inevitably, it was jolly hard work. He did manage eighteen lengths on Monday and, gradually increased that to twenty lengths by Friday, though it'll probably be a while before he's pulling in the sort of numbers he was managing with relative ease back in late 2014.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, this one's for odious greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles. See you at the Job Centre on Monday.

The cast and crew of Sherlock have been filming scenes for the upcoming Christmas episode in Bristol this week. And, Martin Freeman has, seemingly, lost his comedy 'tasche. Much to Mark Gatiss's amusement, it would seem.
Both the Bath Chronicle and the Bristol Post featured on-location reports from the shoot.
It has also been reported widely that The Black Adder's Tim McInnerny will be appearing in the special as Sir Edwin. Stephanie Hyam will also appear as a new character called Jane and David Nellist will return to the series for the first time since the opening episode as Mike Stamford.

Silent Witness outperformed Broadchurch in the overnight ratings for a second week running on Monday. The long-running BBC1 crime drama appealed to 5.53m at 9pm to be the highest-rated show of the evening outside of the soaps. Earlier, Inside Out was watched by 3.92m at 7.30pm, before the Panorama documentary Rescued From A Forced Marriage interested 3.11m at 8.30pm. On BBC2, University Challenge gathered 2.97m at 8pm, while Only Connect had an audience of 2.40m at 8.30pm. David Starkey's Magna Carta was watched by 1.51m at 9pm, before Odious, Unfunny, Lanky Streak Of Stinking & Rancid Piss Jack Whitehall's Worthless And Cancerous Backchat was watched by eight hundred and thirty thousand numskulls at 10pm. The second series of ITV's Broadchurch certainly seems to be dividing critics in a way that the first series didn't. The drama rose marginally from the previous week's overnight series low to 5.17m at 9pm. Earlier in the evening, Richard Wilson's On The Road interested 2.91m at 8.30pm. On Channel Four, Dispatches drew in 1.10m at 8pm, followed by Food Unwrapped with 1.51m at 8.30pm. The Undateables attracted 1.82m at 9pm, while the new - alleged - comedy Catastrophe averaged six hundred and seventy thousand punters at 10pm. Channel Five's Storage: Flog The Lot! had an audience of four hundred and sixty five thousand at 8pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.17m at 9pm and Got Hitched, Got Ditched drew six hundred and ninety seven thousand at 10pm. On E4, the latest episode of Revenge attracted two hundred and forty seven thousand at 9pm.

And, Silent Witness remained on top of the overnight ratings on Tuesday evening. BBC1's crime drama attracted an average of 5.58 million viewers at 9pm. Later, Count Arthur Strong was watched by 1.39m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: The Fixer interested 1.78m at 8pm, while the Holocaust Memorial Day documentary Touched By Auschwitz was watched by 1.17m at 9pm. ITV's River Monsters drew in 2.20m at 7.30pm, before Bad Builders: Bang To Rights gathered 2.29m at 8pm. Paul O'Grady's Animal Orphans appealed to 2.51m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Phil Spencer: Secret Agent averaged 1.11m at 8pm. Later, Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody interested 1.01m at 9pm and Ramsay's Hotel Hell attracted seven hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued on Channel Five with 2.39m at 9pm, while Britain's Flashiest Families drew in an average of nine hundred and seventy seven thousand at 10pm. Christ alone knows why. BBC3's Excluded: Kicked Out Of School was seen by three hundred and sixteen thousand at 9pm. On BBC4, The Children Of The Holocaust interested three hundred and sixty one thousand at 9pm.

Midsomer Murders was the most-watched overnight programme on Wednesday. The opening of a new series of the ITV crime drama was watched by 4.79m between 8pm and 10pm. BBC1's Pets: Wild At Heart was the drama's closest competition, with 3.78m at 8pm. Churchill: The Nation's Farewell followed with 2.72m at 9pm. On BBC2, The Great British Sewing Bee entertained 1.47m at 8pm, while singularly unfunny comedy Up The Women fell below one million viewers with eight hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. The period drama Wolf Hall lost a million overnight viewers for its second episode, which still averaged a more than decent 2.89m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Restoration Man interested 1.36m at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours In A&E brought in 1.78m at 9pm. Bodyshockers attracted 1.04m at 10pm. Channel Five's Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.48m at 9pm, followed by Age Gap Love with 1.17m at 10pm.

Death In Paradise was the clear winner in the primetime overnight ratings on Thursday. The BBC1 drama was watched by 7.01 million and attracted a thirty per cent audience share at 9pm. Earlier, the documentary Eat Well For Less interested 4.77m, while Question Time drew in 2.41m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Attenborough's Paradise Birds appealed to 1.95m at 8pm, before Modern Times averaged seven hundred and eighty thousand at 9pm. ITV's The Kyle Files was watched by 2.60m at 7.30pm, while Birds Of A Feather continued to hemorrhage viewers, being watched by 3.93m at 8.30pm. Bring Back Borstal continued with 1.70m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Location, Location, Location interested 1.69m at 8pm and The Mega Brothel had an audience of 1.19m at 10pm. The Russell Davies drama Cucumber fell to six hundred and sixty thousand for its second episode at 9pm. Cucumber's sister show Banana was watched by two hundred and twelve thousand on E4 at 10pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued on Channel Five with 2.71m at 9pm, while Botched Up Bodies attracted seven hundred and thirty five thousand at 10pm. Meanwhile, Sky Atlantic's new, much-trailed thriller Fortitude drew an audience of six hundred and sixty two thousand at 9pm, becoming the channel's most successful drama launch to date. It was nearly twenty times the normal ratings for that particular Sky Atlantic slot. Only Game Of Thrones regularly attracts a similar or greater overnight audience for the channel. The heavily-marketed Arctic circle murder mystery features an impressive international cast, including Stanley Tucci, Sofie Gråbøl, Michael Gambon, Christopher Eccleston and Jessica Raine. Fortitude was easily the most watched show in pay-TV homes on Thursday and came within a whisker of beating the 9pm competition on both BBC2 and Channel Four.
If you happened to be out and about in London on Tuesday, then you might have spotted an eight foot puppet polar bear roaming the streets of the capital to promote Fortitude. Well, it was either that or lots of people were on very hard drugs. The unusual commuter surprised travellers at Charing Cross Tube station, before the bear made its way to Hampstead Heath and the South Bank. The puppet took nineteen Hollywood prop specialists eight weeks to design and required two performers to control it using internal monitors and cameras. The performers reportedly studied the gait and movements of polar bears in advance, in order to make the stunt as realistic as possible. Although why they bothered is another matter entirely since most people have never been up close with a polar bear. And, those that have, usually don't live to talk about it. Fortitude premiered simultaneously in the UK, Ireland, Germany, Austria and Italy on Thursday through Sky Europe.
The ONE Show was the most watched show on overnights outside of soaps on a generally quiet Friday evening, with the BBC1 magazine show picking up 4.62m viewers at 7pm. 3.28m stayed with the channel at 7.30pm for A Question of Sport and 3.48m at 8.30pm watched Room 101. The latest episode of Benidorm was ITV's most watch overnight programme outside of soaps, attracting 4.49m. It was preceded by The Martin Lewis Money Show at 8pm with 2.95m. On BBC2, Mastermind had an audience of 2.31m at 8pm and was followed by Food and Drink at 8.30pm with 1.30m and The Big Allotment Challenge from 9pm, which attracted 1.40m. Channel Four's schedule was led by Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown from 9pm with 1.74m. Jamie & Jimmy's Friday Night Feast was watched by 1.26m at 8pm while The Last Leg drew 1.13m at 10pm. 2.59 million watched the Celebrity Big Brother Live Eviction as Nadia Sawalha left the house. The sick Victorian freak show was three hundred thousand viewers up on last Saturday's eviction. CBB was preceded by Ice Road Truckers at 8pm, which took 1.07m. Elsewhere, ITV3 led the multichannels with Agatha Christie's Marple at 8pm, taking five hundred and three thousand punters.

The Voice rose to a series high overnight audience on Saturday night, attracting nearly eight and a half million viewers on BBC1. The singing competition averaged 8.49m from 7pm, before The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List managed 4.77m. Afterwards, the latest episode of Casualty drew 4.73m. Earlier, Now You See It had 3.93m overnight viewers whilst the evening ended with 3.68m watching yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies giving Steve Bruce's relegation-haunted Hull City a damned good tweaking on Match Of The Day. On BBC2, a repeat of Dad's Army gathered 1.92m from 8.30pm. It was followed by The Secret World Of Lewis Carroll, which appealed to 1.21m. It was another truly rotten Saturday night for ITV where Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes hit the absolute depth with a truly risible overnight audience of 1.86m. 7.30pm's Planet's Got Talent was watched by an even more spectacularly piss-poor 1.62m, before Take Me Out and The Jonathan Ross Show drew 2.8m and 2.1m respectively. All four of ITV's primetime shows had their lowest audiences of the current series. Proving, perhaps definitively, that if you treat your viewers like lowest common denominator numskulls, eventually, they'll get sick and tired of it. On Channel Four, The World's Weirdest Weather managed 1.06m in the 8pm hour. A broadcast of the movie Ted had an audience of 1.8m. Channel Five's Celebrity Big Brother averaged 1.89m from 9pm. On the multichannels, ITV3's Foyle's War topped primetime with nine hundred and eighty five thousand punters from 8pm.

'I always knew you were stubborn, but fair. Now I seem to hardly recognise you. You're so aloof and arrogant.' The seventh and eighth episodes of the current series of Spiral were, perhaps necessarily, something of a wake for Pierre Clement whose death at the end of the previous episode hung like a shroud over the continuing drama. These were hard episodes for Joséphine Karlsson – and benefited from a truly superb performance from Audrey Fleurot. At her most vulnerable, the scene in which Joséphine is alone in her dead lover's apartment, putting a lock of her ginger curls into the pocket of the suit she has picked for him to be buried in and listening, over and over, to his heartbreakingly mundane and ordinary final telephone message to her was almost too painful to watch. It was a huge relief for the audience when Laure - both hugely out of character and yet entirely believably - turned up and took her former (and possibly future) nemesis for a - mostly silent - drink in the bar opposite just before Pierre's parents arrived at the apartment. 'Did he have a girlfriend?', 'I don't know' were, in the context of Spiral's continuing narrative, both the most dreadful and yet completely honest lines of dialogue imaginable. The complex interconnections between various strands of plot all started to come together: Joséphine's teenage client, Laetitia, is very in cahoots with Karen Hoarau, who has links with Zach the psycho-headbanger ATM robber, who is revealed to be the father of Lucie, Sandrine's illegitimate love child, found dead with her mother in a canal. Pierre's client Stéphane Jaulin is, currently, in nick for their murder though, it seems, Judge Roban is trying to do something about that. At last. In addition, Karen was fostered by Sandrine's parents and is the ringleader of the vicious gang of girl muggers who gave Laure a right good kicking at the beginning of this series. And that's before we get to Tintin revealing a link between the dodgy Libyan millionaire Trek Ziani and Dijbril. The latter of whom is now, at Gilou's request, also working with Zach. And Judge Roban is in a (co)charge of the investigation into both cases. I think that just about covers all the interconnected links. One has to feel some considerable sympathy for Gilou, though. After five years of borderline criminal behaviour in the cause of banging up bad'uns, the seemingly reformed inspector begins acting like a model officer only to, this week, find himself busted by internal affairs for trying to help out his boss, the loathsome Herville. The arrest comes at a particularly bad time for the investigation. According to Karen, Sandrine's father sexually abused her as a child, but he was not the father of Lucie. Instead that was Zach: when Sandrine was sent away to boarding school in her late teens, he was another pupil. Sandrine was not only letting flats to the ATM-raiders, but also buying mobile phones for them. But, her relationship with Zach at least explains why she was doing that. At the hotel, Laure was left to chase after Marouane on her own despite the many armed officers in close proximity and he was only captured because he couldn't find it in himself to shoot her with her own gun as she lay on the ground. Never has 'I am with child' been used more successfully as a defensive argument against being murdered in cold blood. Zach, of course, because this was only episode eight of twelve, managed to escape by firstly hiding under the stairs and then getting into a conveniently deus ex machina minibus that the police didn't, seemingly, think it was worth their while to search as it left the hotel car park. Still, Herville did at least recover the three hundred and fifty thousand grands worth of Euros which Zach had promised to the very scary-looking biker in the burger joint. Roban appeared thoroughly chastened by Marianne's long overdue departure. In fact, these episodes saw the gradual return of the Francois Roban we know from previous series - principled but not blinded by dogma and prejudicial ideas. The lone sane individual in a corrupt and rotten system. It was hard not to be impressed by his passionate urge to Joséphine not to give up on the law; 'Do it for yourself or do it for a distraction.' His visit to Jaulin, a man whom he has seriously misjudged with truly apocalyptic consequences for all, telling him to keep faith and lawyer up was similarly the Roban of old. His working with the feisty Judge Mendy looks like being a plot worth following too. The pair made a brilliant team during the raid of Ziani's house and one doesn't imagine the insidious Machard will be able to get away with too much sneeky malarkey against such a formidable alliance. It also seems as if Laure has finally come to a decision about her pregnancy: 'People do stupid things when they're hormonal,' Herville grumbles, chastising her in the most selfish and nasty way for not sharing details of her pregnancy with him. 'I didn't know if I was going to keep it,' she replies, honestly. Things were also softer between Tintin and Laure, which was a merciful change of pace. His pregnancy-spotting skills were particularly impressive: 'Look at the size of your boobs!' Unfortunately, while Laure seems more at peace having made her decision, Gilou, far from offering stability, is busy being arrested for conspiracy to receive stolen goods. Spiral continues to work as both classy, violent crime drama and a wryly witty soap opera of Parisian life. The only question now is, how on Earth is Gilou going to get out of this little mess.

Channel Four's crassly nasty variant of Celebrity Dwarf Tossing, The Jump returned for a second series with its highest-ever audience on Sunday evening according to overnight data. The risible z-list celebrity winter sports competition averaged 2.59 million at 7pm; this is higher than last year's début episode overnight audience of 2.30m. A shocking and utterly dispiriting indictment of the worst that the Twenty First Century has to offer, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, Britain, we're better than this, surely? Later, The Hotel gathered 1.18m at 8pm, followed by Our Guy In India with 1.99m at 9pm. Coverage of the Super Bowl attracted six hundred and sixty five thousand punters for the first three hours from 10.30pm. On BBC1, coverage of Novak Djokovic's Australian Open win over Andy Murray scored 3.20m from 8.15am. In primetime, Countryfile appealed to 7.61m at 7pm, while Call The Midwife easily topped the night with 8.94m at 8pm. Last Tango In Halifax rose week-on-week to 6.61m at 9pm for its series finale and Match Of The Day 2 scored 2.49m at 10.35pm. Which was almost as many as The Arse put past the hapless and relegation-haunted Aston Villains defence. BBC2's Motorway: Life in the Fast Lane brought in 1.31m at 7pm, followed by the latest episode of Top Gear with an overnight of 5.34m at 8pm for an Australian road trip themed episode and Kiefer Sutherland as the latest Star In A Reasonably Priced Car. Bet that'll have created a few sour and rancid faces at the Gruniad Morning Star. Dragons' Den attracted 2.33m at 9pm. On ITV, Get Your Shit Together drew a spectacularly poor 1.89m at 7pm, while All Star Family Fortunes brought in a not-much-better 2.34m at. Mr Selfridge's audience dropped even further to 3.12m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Hellboy II was watched by seven hundred and thirty six thousand at 6.45pm, while Celebrity Big Brother continued with 2.21m at 9pm.
Here's the consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Four programmes for the week-ending Sunday 25 January 2015:-
1 Call The Midwife - Sun BBC1 - 10.49m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 9.59m
3 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 9.15m
4= EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 8.46m
4= Silent Witness - Mon BBC1 - 8.46m
6 Death In Paradise - Thurs BBC1 - 8.45m
7 Still Open All Hours - Sun BBC1 - 8.39m
8 Broadchurch - Mon ITV - 7.90m
9 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 7.67m
10 Last Tango In Halifax - Sun BBC1 - 7.57m
11 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 7.38m
12 The National Television Awards - Wed ITV - 6.75m
13 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 6.46m
14 Top Gear - Sun BBC2 - 6.41m
15 Wolf Hall - Wed BBC2 - 5.99m
16 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.92m
17 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.86m
18 FA Cup: Match of The Day Live - Fri BBC1 - 5.85
19 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 5.04m
20 The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List - Sat BBC1 - 4.90m
21 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.79m
22 Now You See It - Sat BBC1 - 4.64m
23 The ONE Show - Thurs BBC1 - 4.63m
24 Benidorm - Fri ITV - 4.60m*
As usual, these figures do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. Aside from Broadchurch, Corrie, Emmerdale, The NTAs and Benidorm, the only ITV programme across the entire week to get a consolidated audience of more than four million punters was Mr Selfridge (with 4.23m). For those who enjoy a reet good laugh, ITV's now legendary Saturday night flopHarry Hill's Star In Their Eyes drew a consolidated audience of less than two and a half million and didn't even make the ITV top thirty rated programmes for the week. BBC2, by contrast, had a spectacular week with the very unusual occurrence of two shows making it into the overall top twenty. Their highest-rated programme of the week apart from Top Gear and Wolf Hall was University Challenge with 2.97 million. Next came Dragon's Den with 2.88 million and Winterwatch with 2.76 million. Only Connect drew 2.45 million, followed by Two Ronnies: The Studio Recordings (2.01m), The Many Faces Of Dame Helen Mirren (1.93m) and Qi (1.85m). Walking The Nile was Channel Four's most watched programme (2.43m), followed by The Undateables (2.09m) and Holocaust: Night Will Fall (1.98m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were dominated by Celebrity Big Brother, the most watched episode being Tuesday night's 3.11m. Foyle's War was ITV3's most-watched programme with 1.01m viewers. yer actual Keith Telly Topping's current favourite drama on TV anywhere in the world, Spiral, drew BBC4's largest audience of the week (eight hundred and sixty four thousand for Saturday's first episode, eight hundred and fifty five thousand for the second), with The Hidden Killers Of The Tudor Home being watched by six hundred and thirty four thousand. Storage Hunters on Dave was seen by three hundred and sixty five thousand. The FOX Channel's latest episode of NCIS's series twelve attracted eight hundred and four thousand punters. The Universal Channel's most watched programme was Major Crimes with one hundred and forty thousand. BBC3's weekly best-of list was topped by Bangkok Airport (nine hundred and six thousand). A new episode of Bones was Sky Living's highest-rated show with nine hundred and twenty four thousand viewers.

BBC director-general Tony Hall has defended Top Gear. Which, of course, caused much whinging from Middle Class hippy Communist Green Party fracking Gruniad Morning Star pond-scum lice. So, no change there, then. Mind you, it's about effing time that somebody in a position of authority at the BBC said something positive about a format which, let's remember, thanks to its massive overseas sales effectively pays for no only itself but also most of the BBC's comedy output, for example. Speaking to Radio Times, Hall said it is 'important' that the BBC 'doesn't have just one voice.' He explained: 'It's a programme loads of people love and it's important that the BBC doesn't have just one voice and I feel this about Top Gear. It's a different voice. Why wouldn't the BBC represent it on its output and be pleased to have it there?' Over the last twelve months, the motoring show has been at the centre of numerous - mostly media generated - controversies. Hall continued: 'My life and the BBC's life is not to be constantly out of trouble. In a way, we should be awkward, push boundaries with our journalism, our drama, our current affairs, our comedy, our entertainment having things to say. It's really important, that's what people expect of the BBC.' Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond are reportedly close to signing a new three year deal with the BBC. The presenters are negotiating contracts to return for three more years of Top Gear and various other projects, according to the Mirra, a newspaper which, even more than the Gruniad Morning Star and the Daily Scum Mail, has spent most of the last year stirring up as much trouble as they can have given to them by Copper's Narks or make up themselves regarding Top Gear. The trio's contracts are due to expire in April and are seeking to extend their deals following the current twenty second series.

Among the other topics covered in Tony Hall's Radio Times interview were the 9pm watershed, about which he said: 'The watershed is still a useful way of judging the content and sensitivities and taste and decency issues. But has the watershed got a future in twenty or thirty years' time? I suspect not.' And, also BBC4. Hall confirmed that it is not going to go the way of BBC3. Which is great news.
If you happen spot a huge version of The Stig travelling across Britain on the back of a flat bed truck over the next few days, your eyes are not deceiving you. Giant Stig is due to depart from Top Gear HQ at Dunsfold Aerodrome in Surrey and embark on a European tour in order to mark the launch of new global TV channel BBC Brit. He will travel to Amsterdam and Berlin, before arriving at his final destination in Warsaw. There, he will be erected beside the city's most famous landmark, the Palace of Science and Culture. The nine-metre model is made from fibre-glass and took a team of three sculptors over two months to design, construct and paint. The Stig's head and torso alone are the equivalent height of a double-decker bus. BBC Worldwide's chief brands officer Amanda Hill said: 'BBC Brit will be the new home of Top Gear in Poland, so what better way to mark this than by taking them a giant Stig. Fans will be able to spot him on the roads of England, Holland and Germany. He's impossible to miss!' BBC Brit will launch internationally on 1 February. The channel will offer primarily factual entertainment and will be the exclusive home of Top Gear.
A sixteen-minute excerpt of William Hartnell's Desert Island Discs episode has been found and put online. The actor played the first Doctor in Doctor Who from 1963 to 1966 (you knew that, right?) and he recorded his spot on what was then Roy Plomley's radio show on Monday 23 August 1965. 'This is the only extract the BBC has of this edition of Desert Island Discs and begins with the castaway's first choice of music,' notes current Desert Island Discs host Kirsty Young at the start of the recording. Hartnell's favourite piece of music is 'The Spring Song from A King in New York' by Charlie Chaplin. His chosen book is English Social History by GM Trevelyan and his luxury item is cigarettes. During the interview, Hartnell talks about preferring horses to the theatre and running away from school at an early age with the hope of becoming a jockey. Desert Island Discs celebrated its seventy third anniversary this, having been running continuously on BBC radio since January 1942. Other rescued recordings feature author Reverend W Awdry, Dame Diana Rigg and Louis Armstrong. It is the first time the editions have been heard in more than forty five years. All the subjects were interviewed between 1964 and 1970 by Roy Plomley, with Thomas The Tank Engine author Awdry's 1964 appearance being the earliest. Awdry, Hartnell and Dame Diana were all personal audio recordings donated by listeners and have been carefully restored for the archive. The Rigg edition, first broadcast in 1970, had been saved on an old quarter inch tape. The Armstrong edition, which was gifted to him by the BBC after he recorded the programme in 1968, was donated courtesy of the research collections of the Louis Armstrong House Museum. In the programme guests chose the eight pieces of music they would take to a hypothetical desert island in the unlikely event that they were to be stranded there. Jon Pertwee and David Tennant have both also appeared in the series.

Meanwhile, another Doctor, yer actual Peter Davison has said that he 'has trouble' with the idea of a female-led Doctor Who. Not that there's currently a vacancy for the role, of course. Or that when one does eventually crop up that Peter his very self will have any say in the matter. Glad we got that one cleared up.
The second series of Broadchurch may have turned off some viewers with its perceived soapy transformation and lengthy and somewhat drab and predictable court scenes, but at least one sector of the country is, seemingly, still getting off on it: Britain's doggers. According to some 'online chatroom research' from the Sun (careful, you can get arrested if they find that sort of 'research' on your computers), the soaring cliffs of West Bay in Dorset, where the ITV crime drama is filmed, are the perfect backdrop for lovers of outdoor hanky-panky. The location has become so popular with sexual exhibitionists, the paper claims, that online forums are even giving advice about the tide so that al fresco boinkers don't get their naughty bits aal wet and that. One poster on the alleged - nameless, and therefore almost certainly fictitious - forum, allegedly said: 'Lots of great action in and around Dorset. Bridport picnic site is good and the cliffs near West Bay. I'll be down there with the missus later in the week.' Another alleged site allegedly stumbled upon by some Sun hack allegedly warned would-be doggers of the threat from passing hikers: 'There may be some passing walkers using the edge of the water as an alternative to the Dorset Coastal Path on top of the cliffs.' Hang on. Isn't the whole point of dogging to be seen by passers by? Anybody else getting a pungent whiff of made-up bullshit here?
The BBC has renewed its deal to show Premier League highlights on Match Of The Day for a further three years, until the end of the 2018-19 season. The agreement covers MOTD's Sunday morning repeat, MOTD2, Football Focus and a new midweek show on Wednesday nights on BBC2. MOTD, which is in its fiftieth year and MOTD2 have a combined weekly audience of nine million. MOTD presenter Gary Lineker said he was 'thrilled' with the news. Barbara Slater, the director BBC Sport, called the programme 'the most iconic brand in television sport,' which is hyperbole aside, probably a fair description. She added that it was 'very exciting' to be able to add a new midweek show to the mix that would reflect 'the continued appetite for Premier League action and analysis.' The BBC's Premier League programmes will also be available on the iPlayer. Reacting to Thursday's announcement, Director General Tony Hall said: 'Sport matters. It brings the nation together. It can break hearts and raise spirits. And because it matters to the public, it also matters to the BBC. That's why it's fantastic news that we have kept the Premier League highlights.'According to those wholly unagenda-based lice at the Gruniad Morning Star, ITV had 'seriously considered' mounting a challenge for the rights, which it last held between 2001 and 2004. But alleged, anonymous and, therefore, probably fictitious, 'insiders' allegedly said that it had ultimately 'decided against' bidding. The rights to top-flight football highlights have switched between the BBC and ITV since Match Of The Day made its debut in 1964, ushering in a new age of regular televised football. But during the Premier League era, the BBC has held the upper hand apart from a three-year period from 2001 when ITV paid one hundred and eighty three million notes to acquire the rights and poached Des Lynam from the BBC in a high profile move to front it. And my, didn't that turn out to be be a great career move for Des. The Premiership, boldly scheduled in a 7pm early evening slot, failed to meet the high ratings expectations and was criticised for frequent advertising breaks and a lack of match action. After a few months, it was moved back to the more traditional Saturday post 10pm slot. Last week, ITV's lead football anchor - another former BBC defector - odious greed bucket and drag Adrian Chiles suddenly left the broadcaster 'in mysterious circumstances' and was replaced by BBC Radio 5Live's Mark Pougatch. Worthless waste of space Andy Townsend and Matt Smith (no, the other one) will also leave at the end of the current season for pastures new. The BBC is understood to be 'in talks' Gary Lineker about a new deal which would also allow him to front BT Sport's live Champions League coverage but remain the regular host of Match Of The Day and the BBC's FA Cup coverage, a deal which, it is suggested, would suit all parties.

David Thewlis will lead the cast of BBC1's new adaptation of An Inspector Calls. The actor will play the titular Inspector in the Aisling Walsh-directed drama, which will be shown as part of the channel's season of classic Twentieth Century literature adaptations. Thewlis will be joined by Ken Stott as Arthur Birling and Miranda Richardson as Sybil Birling. Chloe Pirrie, Kyle Soller and Sophie Rundle will also appear. Thewlis said: 'An Inspector Calls is a British classic and I am thrilled to be working on this beautiful screen adaptation with Aisling Walsh.' The adaptation will be produced by Drama Republic, who recently worked on The Honourable Woman for BBC2. Playwright Helen Edmunson will adapt the play for television. Lucy Richer, the Commissioning Editor of BBC Drama, added: 'The mysterious and elusive Inspector Goole has fascinated audiences for generations and David Thewlis is the perfect actor to bring him to life. We're delighted that he, Ken Stott and Miranda Richardson are heading up this stellar cast to bring one of the nation's favourite stories to BBC1.'An Inspector Calls was written by JB Priestley and was first performed in 1945. The play centres around an inspector's visit to a wealthy family's home as he interrogates them about the apparent suicide of a local girl.

The US adaptation of Mad Dogs will be its own unique story, executive producer Shawn Ryan has claimed. Ryan stated that although the Amazon Studios pilot shares 'similarities' with the British original, the American series will deviate from the source material. 'The pilot, while having many similar story beats to the UK version, also has some significant differences and those differences will only grow bigger until episode five, when it will be a completely new story with only the occasional nod to the original,' he told HitFix. Ryan - who is working on the Mad Dogs adaptation with Cris Cole, the creator of the original Sky1 drama - also discussed how the Amazon project came about. '[Sony] asked Cris and I if we would like to do an American version,' he recalled. 'Cris and I talked. For all that he liked about the UK version, there were also a lot of things he would want to do differently now. Back then, he never thought they would make more than four episodes, so he never really thought the back story through a lot. He liked the idea of starting with the original premise and then quickly splintering off into a completely new version. We also talked about how American men were different than British men, and how that might affect the show. He started to get really excited about the notion, which made me really excited.' The US Mad Dogs stars Ben Chaplin, Michael Imperioli, Steve Zahn, Romany Malco and Billy Zane.

Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Stephen Fry his very self are among signatories of an open letter asking the government to pardon forty nine thousand men who were prosecuted for being gay. Something which this blogger wholly backs although he rather wishes the signatories had, you know, bought a stamp and made it a closed letter which, he feels, are usually far more effective. Members of World War Two codebreaker Alan Turing's family have also signed the letter. Turing, played by Cumberbatch in the film The Imitation Game, was convicted of gross indecency in 1952 and subsequently killed himself in 1954. He was pardoned in 2013. The signatories have asked the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and other 'young leaders' to help with their campaign. Turing was granted a posthumous pardon by the Queen in 2013, four years after then Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, offered 'an unequivocal apology' for the way in which he was treated by authorities at the time. Now campaigners want pardons for all of those who were convicted of similar offences. The letter, printed in the Gruniad Morning Star, states: 'The UK's homophobic laws made the lives of generations of gay and bisexual men intolerable. It is up to young leaders of today including the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to acknowledge this mark on our history and not allow it to stand.' It describes Turing as 'one of the greatest heroes of the Twentieth Century' for helping to crack the German Enigma code and says that he was 'pivotal in the development of modern computers.' The letter continues: 'The apology and pardon of Alan Turing are to be welcomed but ignores over forty nine thousand men who were convicted under the same law, many of whom took their own lives. An estimated fifteen thousand men are believed to still be alive.' Benny, who has been nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of Turing, and The Imitation Game's director Morten Tyldum are also joined as signatories by Turing's niece Rachel Barnes and Matthew Todd, editor of Attitude magazine. An online petition has also been launched at www.Pardon49k.org, with more than forty five thousand having signed it so far.

The British Academy of Film and Television Arts are to host a special evening dedicated to Michael Palin. The Monty Python's Flying Circus star will discuss his career at the Life In Television event at BAFTA in London on Tuesday 17 March. Palin will speak about his five-decade career, including projects on TV, film and stage and as a writer, performer and presenter. Andrew Newman, Chair of the BAFTA Television Committee, said: 'From Monty Python to Ripping Yarns to GBH to Around The World In Eighty Days and beyond, Michael Palin has been a comedian, a writer, an actor and a factual presenter and has excelled at every one of them. We're excited to celebrate his remarkable career at this second event in our new BAFTA: A Life in Television strand. BAFTA: A Life in Television offers the chance to hear directly from unique talents and explore what makes them so special to British television.' Palin previously received a BAFTA Fellowship in 2013. He also won a BAFTA for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in 1988 for A Fish Called Wanda, while the entire Monty Python's Flying Circus team were honoured at the 1988 awards with the Michael Balcon Award for Outstanding Contribution to Cinema. Highlights from the evening will be streamed on BAFTA's online learning channel BAFTA Guru.

Deaf and hard-of-hearing viewers could be forgiven for being baffled after subtitling mistakes transformed toddlers into ayatollahs and confused sources with sauces. The errors were highlighted in a report by communications watchdog Ofcom which said that people relying on live subtitles had an 'inferior' experience to other viewers. Other examples of mistakes included the Star Wars character Princess Leia being called 'Present Cesc lay ya' and lemon transcribed as 'lepl on.' The report also quoted examples of what it called 'serious recognition errors' including 'they need a man' instead of 'they need a mum' and 'be given to ayatollahs' instead of 'be given to our toddlers.' It said one hundred and fifty five BBC shows needed live subtitles, with fifty three on ITV, including programmes such as The Jeremy Kyle Show, The Graham Norton Show and Top Gear. Although, quite why the latter falls into this category since it isn't a live show but is pre-recorded, is a question well worth asking, I'd've said. The issue was previously taken up by former Home Secretary David Blunkett who criticised subtitling standards and quoted an example from football commentary where Manchester United's Patrice Evra's challenge on an opponent was rendered as 'the Arsenal player has been fouled by a zebra.' Although, quite how the hell Blunkett who is, himself, blind knows this to be the case has never been satisfactorily explained. Ofcom's report said: 'Live subtitling entails unavoidable delays which mean that speech and subtitling cannot be completely synchronised. Errors and omissions are also not uncommon. It is clear from viewers' feedback that, while subtitle users value the opportunity to watch live TV, they sometimes find live subtitling frustrating and, on occasion, unwatchable.' Rob Burley, from Action on Hearing Loss, said: 'With one in six people in the UK having some form of hearing loss, it's really important that the standard of subtitling improves. Our research shows that people with hearing loss find delays and inaccuracies are the biggest problems when using live subtitles, with simple mistakes changing the entire meaning of a news item or interview. We urge broadcasters and subtitling companies to invest in live subtitling technology to make viewing, for eight million people in the UK that use them, as accessible as it is to the rest of the population.' An Ofcom spokesman said: 'Improving the quality of subtitles for deaf and hard-of-hearing viewers is an important focus for Ofcom. We now require broadcasters to measure the quality of live TV subtitles, which is helping us to identify how their speed and accuracy can be improved.'

The future of ITV's Downton Abbey could be in doubt after it emerged that writer Lord Snooty has 'yet to commit' to a seventh series of the popular period drama. It follows tabloid reports that this autumn's sixth series could be the last after some of the show's younger stars were said to be 'in talks' to follow in the footsteps of Dan Stevens and pursue work in America. Joanne Froggatt, who plays Mrs Bates, Laura Carmichael (Lady Edith) and Allen Leech (the now-departed Tom Branson) were all named in a report in the Daily Mirra as 'having meetings' with producers when they were in Los Angeles for the recent Screen Actors Guild Awards. Although the award-winning period drama still pulls in huge audiences for ITV and is not due to be recommissioned until the autumn, the report claimed that Lord Snooty wants to start writing his long-awaited US drama for NBC The Gilded Age. There has been periodic speculation about the future of Downton since the second series and, particularly, after executive producer Gareth Neame said last year: 'I'm not sure what its lifespan will be, but it won't be ten years. In the short term, I'm sure it's going to be around for a few more years, but I don't think it will be a show that will last that long. I want it to be a show that people enjoy when they're watching it now, and then, in ten years' time, they still look back on it incredibly fondly and remember it.' The Gruniad Morning Star quotes an alleged - anonymous - 'insider' as saying that makers Carnival and its parent company NBC Universal and ITV want to do more episodes – unsurprising given the huge audiences it generates in the UK and its popularity in the US - but the question is, does Lord Snooty? He is currently writing the sixth series of Downton, which is due to go into production next month and be broadcast later this year, but alleged - though curiously anonymous - 'sources' allegedly 'close to him' allegedly say that he will 'not necessarily' be writing The Gilded Age next. Allegedly. His agent declined to comment on whether or not he wants to write another series of Downton beyond the next one. Irish actor Leech has left Downton so it is no surprise that he is in talks about other roles but it is not known what is in store for Carmichael and Froggatt's characters this series as Lord Snooty has not yet delivered all the scripts. However, a spokeswoman for the show also pointed out that Downton films for six months of the year, leaving the cast 'plenty of time to do other work': Hugh Bonneville, for example, filmed two other projects, including BBC2 satire W1A, in the time between series five and six, while Michelle Dockery has filmed dramas such as Restless. The spokeswoman also highlighted the fact that Downton is only shown on eight Sundays of the year(plus a Christmas special), leaving forty four other available slots for other producers to fill. Downton's ratings have slipped a little with the premiere of the fifth series drawing an average audience of 8.4 million in September – the lowest series debut since the show's launch in 2010. But, it still does big numbers for ITV - its top-rated 2014 edition had a final and consolidated audience of 10.8 million viewers in early November, making it ITV’s highest-rating drama apart from Coronation Street. ITV usually recommissions the show on a yearly-basis, with negotiations – which are detailed due to the expense and talent availability – tending to start in early spring and be completed by November. Inevitably the network has been thinking about the future of the schedule without Downton, with alleged - although, gain, suspiciously anonymous - 'sources'allegedly saying that a number of independent producers have 'shows in development' which could fill the all-important Sunday night drama slot should Downton come to an end. Albeit, the hugely disappointing overnight figures for the once very popular Mr Selfridge's third series might give ITV pause for thought in this regard. An ITV spokesman said: 'We wouldn't comment on speculative stories about our programmes.'
Grumpy old gasbag professor David Starkey has described Wolf Hall as 'a deliberate perversion of history.' Which it, indeed, is. It's fiction. You know, 'made up stuff.' Jesus, has everybody taken The Stupid Pill this week, or what? The BBC2 drama combines Hilary Mantel's novel of the same name and its sequel, Bring Up the Bodies. Speaking to Radio 5Live, Starkey said that he had not read the books nor seen the BBC adaptation because he is 'someone who actually knows what happens' and is a 'massive believer in fact. Wolf Hall is a wonderful, magnificent fiction,' he noted. 'There is a difference between fact and fiction. The supposition has got to be controlled. If you're a novelist, you can imagine whatever you want. I gather Hilary Mantel has imagined this wonderful tender experience of Thomas Cromwell losing [his] wife and children and you have a great deal of emoting. This is total fiction. There is not a scrap of evidence for it at all. So the thing that's used to create Cromwell as a sympathetic character is totally fiction.' He added: 'Curiously enough, the man who had good relations with his children in a modern fashion, including giving his daughters an education as men, is the villain as he is presented in Wolf Hall - Thomas More. He really did have these affectionate relations with his children.'
Extremely sackedCoronation Street actress Katie Redford is said to be 'distraught' after being the, alleged, victim of alleged 'online abuse'. Although, one suspects that, actually, she's a bit more distraught about having lied to ITV and then been sacked after she got found out meaning that she's unlikely to get much work from the network any time soon. Because, that's something worth getting properly distraught over, one might suggset. It was announced earlier this month that Redford had been cast in the role of teenager bad'un Bethany Platt, with a press release from the production claiming that the actress was nineteen years old, based on what she'd told them. However, after online profiles suggested that Redford was, actually, twenty five - just two years younger than Tina O'Brien, who would have been playing her on-screen mother - Coronation Street producers made the hasty decision to sack her sorry ass and recast the role before Redford had even set foot on-set. Her agent, one Jo McLintock, has now attempted to defend her client with a, frankly, laughable series of comments to the press, insisting that it wasn't Redford's decision to lie about her age. Speaking to the Mirra, McLintock insisted: 'It wasn't Katie's decision to do that, it was us.' Ah. So, that's all right, then. That's theatrical agent Jo McLintock informing all broadcasters or stage productions that, if she ever sends along one of her clients for a part in a forthcoming drama, they may want to ask a few questions which they wouldn't normally ask about the veracity of what the actor or actress is telling them since their agent appears to have such a, self-confessed, economic attitude towards the truth. 'When she went to Corrie, she went in based on her CV. Her playing age is sixteen to twenty,' continued McLintock. 'We said "If they ask you your age, just let them believe you are nineteen."' Or, lie, in other words. 'Perpetuate a fraud' might be another way of putting it. Hey, Jo chuck, here's a tip. When you're in a hole, it's usually a good idea to stop digging. 'It is common knowledge, people do that all the time,' McLintock claimed, with no supporting evidence. 'Unfortunately they wrote in their press release that she was nineteen and we let it go out, thinking it would pass. Obviously it didn't.' Obviously. Because it wasn't true. McLintock also claimed that Redford has been the, alleged, victim of, alleged, 'horrific' texts, e-mails and phone calls, adding: 'Now she is distraught, really upset, There are some very jealous people out there.' Jealous of what, exactly, she didn't elaborate. Of someone telling lies and then being caught and sacked as a consequence of those lies, perhaps? How very odd. Mind you, there are, undeniably, some odd people out there. 'People are saying nasty things,' McLintock winged. Like, presumably, 'lying isn't very nice' or 'people who tell lies and then get sacked really don't have much to complain about.' Only, you know, with far worse spelling since this is people on Twitter we're talking about. 'We have told her to ignore them all,' McLintock added. Which is, one imagines, something that Redford might as well start getting used to since it's hard to see any broadcaster or production company forgetting about this fiasco any time soon or, as a consequence, wanting to be associated with her, at least in the short term, given all of the negative publicity the story has attracted. 'She realises a soap is not for her, she's not interested in soaps any more,' McLintock then, hilariously, claimed, which carried all the credibility of Jose Mourinho claiming Moscow Chelski FC didn't want to win the FA Cup anyway just after they'd been dumped out of the competition by third tier Bradford City. 'She said it felt wrong, even when she got it.' Ah, bless her, this woman is really trying so hard to put a positive spin on the entire fiasco. You've almost got to admire such abject verbal bollocks. Almost. Meanwhile, Lucy Fallon, who is nineteen - no, honestly, she actually is - has been cast in the role of Bethany and began filming on the ITV soap earlier this week. Her first scenes are expected to be shown in late March. Starring in her first TV role, Fallon admitted 'walking onto the set was surreal and nerve-wracking.' But, she added that everyone had been 'really welcoming.' Especially, one imagines, as she has, seemingly, told the truth about her age. 'I am thrilled to have been given this great opportunity,' said the Blackpool-born actress.

Idris Elba is to present a ground-breaking, interactive BBC documentary series called Story Of Now which explores some of the biggest questions facing mankind about its past, present and future. Using the latest video technology, the series allows viewers to explore hours of films and information from experts about twenty of the world's fundamental issues – from politics to religion, creation to consciousness. The experts include neuroscientist Doctor Molly Crockett, blind figurative painter Sargy Mann and social activist Naomi Klein and questions covered include did the universe begin with the Big Bang and is the sky really blue? Errr ... yes. It is. Next ... All the films are available on BBC Taster, the corporation’s new online platform for trying out digital content and emerging technology. What makes the Story Of Now films different is that viewers can search inside them by clicking on parts of the content. Producer TouchCast has used interactive video technology it developed which allows anything from the web – including video, games, web pages and live social content – to be experienced by the audience inside HD video and puts the viewing experience in their hands. The so-called 'videoweb' technology has been used recently by The Voice coach will.he.is for his new music video. EMMY award-winning Elba joined the project after seeing rough cuts of the Story Of Now films last year and is working with TouchCast on other interactive programming. TouchCast Studios CEO and Story Of Now executive producer Paul Field said: 'Viewers not only experience the full richness of the web inside HD video, they can search inside it. Even subtitles feature keywords that link to more content that opens inside the films. We call this medium the videoweb and we believe Story Of Now can play a major role pushing the development of this new medium.' BBC history head of commissioning Martin Davidson said: 'The creative opportunities offered by interactive video are huge. Story Of Now has taken full advantage, seamlessly blending classic filmmaking with cutting edge technology, enabling us to reach new audiences with our world class content.'

Channel Four has, reportedly, dropped its alleged 'sitcom'London Irish. Because it was shite and no one was watching it, basically. The channel told Broadcast magazine that it has 'no plans' to 'move forward' with the series, which ran for six episodes in autumn 2013. A spokeswoman said: 'There are currently no plans for a second series.'London Irish - which starred Ardal O'Hanlon - debuted to a consolidated audience of 1.2 million viewers, but only averaged seven hundred thousand punters over the course of its six episodes.

The BBC is to tell Match Of The Day presenters and pundits to be careful about what they say after Phil Neville prompted complaints with controversial remarks about tackling, it has been claimed. The former The Scum, Everton and England player reportedly 'upset' some viewers when he suggested, during a recent Match Of The Day 2 programme, that he would have taken a player out of the game if he had seen them perform a pass without looking during a training session. His comments came after The Arse's Tomas Rosicky pulled off the feat during a clash with Brighton. Viewers heard Neville say: 'If that was a training session and somebody did that I'd be first over there and I'd probably look to two-foot him or take him out of the game. If somebody did that in training to me, winding me up, I would be straight in there. I'd smash them.' After receiving angry responses on Twitter, Neville went on to suggest that his comments were 'not to be taken seriously.'oh. So, that's all right then. Presumably, that's a defence that people charges with GBH will now be relying on in court. 'Honest, yer honour, me smashing that guy in the mush with a plank of wood, it was not to be taken seriously.'
A lingerie shop built for the TV adaptation of JK Rowling's The Casual Vacancy confused shoppers and raised at least one complaint, it has been revealed. For the filming of the BBC series, an underwear shop front was created in the Gloucestershire town of Painswick. But director Jonny Campbell said that some people confused it for a real shop and complained to the parish council. The author's novel is set in the idyllic fictional village of Pagford but reveals a town at war. The fake shop front for Samantha's Boudoir, built in the centre of Painswick in August, raised eyebrows among the village and had passers-by trying to shop for risqué underwear. 'There were a couple of occasions while we were filming where a couple of old ladies with white hair, a stick, were walking past and looking in the window and said "oh no, I've got all that stuff,"' said Campbell. 'And, someone came in and thought there was a sale on, so there were several people walking around.' The three-part mini-series, due to be shown on BBC1 next month, follows the intrigues and upheavals in a village community caused by a vacancy on the parish council. Although Campbell admitted that the confusion had been 'amusing', he added the boutique - run by character Samantha Mollison and played by Keeley Hawes in the drama - had not met with everyone's approval. 'They complained about it at the local parish council meeting. Said it was a disgrace,' he claimed. Rob Lewis, from Painswick Parish Council, confirmed that one lady had called the council to complain about the 'scantily clad' mannequins on display which were 'not appropriate for Painswick.''Once we explained that it was for a TV production, she seemed much happier,' he said. 'But as well as ladies wishing to visit the shop for its "closing down sale" - a number of ladies (and gents) have commented on what a shame the shop can't still be open.' The series, starring Michael Gambon, Julia McKenzie and Rory Kinnear, was filmed over the summer in Northleach, Painswick and Minchinhampton in the Cotswolds. The Casual Vacancy will be shown on BBC1 in February.

A scummy group of right-wing scummy, disgusting pond-scum filth Tory pond-scum MPs alleged plotted to sabotage a BBC documentary about the House of Commons by knocking over a cameraman and forcing filming to be abandoned, it has been claimed. The film-maker Michael Cockerell snitched to the Gruniad Morning Star that there was 'a small group' of Conservative MPs who were unhappy that crew had been given unprecedented access to the Commons for the documentary, which begins on BBC2 next week. Cockerell claimed that a handful of backbenchers 'hatched a plot' to knock over a member of the production team who was filming on the floor of the Commons during Prime Minister's question time, forcing proceedings to be brought to a halt. But, the plan was thwarted after it was rumbled by Commons security and the filming, which took place over the course of a year, went ahead unchecked. The Tory MP Bill Wiggin is seen in the first episode complaining to the speaker, John Bercow, about the presence of a cameraman, but Cockerell said that Wiggin was not one of the MPs responsible. 'There was a plan by backbenchers to knock our cameraman over and proceedings would be suspended and we would be blamed for it,' said Cockerell at the programme launch on Thursday. 'It was thwarted. Security understood what was apparently planned and they averted it. These people know a lot about what's going on.' Cockerell, a veteran of many acclaimed fly-on-the-wall documentaries, said that it had taken months of negotiation to obtain access for the documentary, which was first proposed six years ago. He said that he did not know how the MPs had planned to topple his cameraman. 'Maybe go backwards and the cameraman might go backwards,' he said. Cockerell blamed a group of Conservatives who sit on the back of the government benches nicknamed The Berserkers. 'There were occasional times when MPs on the naughty bench or what Number 10 calls The Berserkers were not very pleased about our presence and thought we were getting in their way. The contrary was true,' he said. 'In parliament every day there are cunning plans by various groups, it is a place made for plotting and conspiracy. We heard of many plots throughout the whole of our time there – not necessarily against us – they were always plotting a coup one way or another. It's the nature of the place. The doorkeepers are eyes and ears of the place and the internal security system. The sergeant at arms is in charge of security and there is a sense they understood what they had planned, they averted it.' Wiggin, the Tory MP for North Herefordshire, is seen in the programme protesting to the speaker about the cameraman's presence behind him. 'Will you find a safe place for this camera crew so he can film without getting in our way?' The speaker replied: 'The camera crew is not interfering with the business of the House and everybody is safe.' So, that was Wiggo told right good and proper and no mistake. Cockerell said: 'I excuse Bill Wiggin. I'm not blaming him. That was not the event I am talking about.' He said that most MPs were happy to have the camera crew along. The opening episode of the four-part documentary, Inside The Commons, features oily David Cameron and equally oily Ed Milimolimandi talking about their experience of Prime Ministers' questions. The Prime Minister says: 'About five minutes beforehand you think, "Oh, you know, have I got to do this again?"' and he adds that it fills him with 'total fear and trepidation.' The Labour leader adds: 'I find the anticipation is worse than the reality.' The documentary also shows copies of the e-mails sent to Tory MPs ahead of PMQs suggesting 'friendly' questions about the Government's 'long term economic plan'. Cameron defends the planted questions. 'In politics you have go to try and have a clear message and in my team there are some messages we want to get across – we want a long term economic plan.' During the filming, some MPs publicly raised objections to the idea of being captured on camera going through the voting lobbies. Gerald Howarth, a Conservative former defence minister, worried that MPs could be filmed 'plotting' if the documentary crew were to be allowed access to this parliamentary procedure. 'In the lobby, right honourable and honourable members confer, often on sensitive matters, and in my humble opinion it would be quite improper for those conversations to be recorded,' he told the Commons last June. Well yes. Heaven forbid that the people who actually vote for these clowns should find out what they get up to. Another Tory MP, Heather Wheeler, mentioned a 'feeling among members that the television cameras are going perhaps too far, too fast.' The Speaker allowed the film crew access to many parts of parliament but put his foot down about some areas, including the Commons tea room, as he said he did 'not think that an honourable member consuming a cup of tea and beans on toast should be subjected to a film crew.' Why not, we fucking pay for them?

And, speaking of scum politicians, Labour's deputy leader and wannabe TV critic, Mad Hattie Harman, has written 'an open letter' to the lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Javid. What the hell is it with open letters/ Can't you people afford a stamp or what? Anyway, the subject of Mad Hattie's missive is Lady Noakes's role as deputy chair of Ofcom, with Hattie claiming that Noakes's 'clear' political bias breached the media regulator's need for impartiality. Harman, who is also the shadow lack of culture secretary, claimed that Noakes continued to take the Tory whip in the House of Lords and to act as a spokesperson for the Conservative party, sitting on seven committees, despite her appointment to Ofcom in June last year. The Labour MP said that Noakes's Twitter account contained a number of tweets criticising the Labour party and Ed Milimolimandi on issues including the economy, the mansion tax and the proposed TV leader debates. She asked the vile and odious rascal Javid, who was responsible for the appointment of Noakes, to reconsider her position at Ofcom 'as a matter of urgency. It is not as though she has just failed to resign the whip,' said Harman. 'There are clear breaches to be found on Baroness Noakes'Twitter account.' Because, as we all know, Twitter is the most important thing in the universe, bar none. Well, it is according to lots of silly people who work at the Gruniad Morning Star, anyway. 'She cannot be upholding the impartiality of the broadcasting regulator whilst tweeting pro-Conservative, anti-Labour material about TV debates. Ofcom is the regulator for our broadcast media. It is important that at all times the regulator maintains the highest level of political impartiality, but this is even more important with the election rapidly approaching. I would also ask that you note that Baroness Noakes has shareholdings in Verizon Communications Corp, a global communications and technology company. Dame Patricia Hodgson, the former deputy chair of Ofcom, was paid seventy thousand pounds for the role. Given the number of breaches of Ofcom policy and the clear bias that Baroness Noakes has shown at a personal and professional level, I would ask that you reconsider Baroness Noakes' position as Deputy Chair of Ofcom as a matter of urgency. I ask that you write to me about this matter immediately.' Top bit of quality snitching there Hattie. School sneak, was it? Noakes has, reportedly, agreed to stop posting political tweets after Harman's whinge about her being 'a Tory stooge.' On Thursday, a spokesperson for the deputy chair admitted that the comments she had made on Twitter were 'not appropriate' for an Ofcom board member.
A document allegedly showing that former Sun editor and well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks 'personally authorised a cash payment' for a story was not disclosed to police investigating whether staff at her paper were paying bungs to public officials for tip-offs, a jury has heard claimed. The jury in the trial of four Sun journalists at the Old Bailey has also been told that the police were not initially investigating journalists at the paper until they were handed documents by the Sun publisher. The document bearing Brooks's signature was produced on Wednesday at the trial, by counsel for the paper's royal correspondent, Duncan Larcombe. It was dated 2009 and related to a payment for two hundred and fifty smackers for a story which, apparently, 'cannot be detailed for legal reasons' according to the Gruniad. The Sun's former newsdesk secretary, Charlotte Hull, was asked to identify the signature and confirmed it as that of well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks. Mark Kandiah, the Metropolitan police officer in charge of the Operation Elveden investigation into alleged inappropriate payments to public officials at the Sun, confirmed that this document had not been part of the disclosures by the management and standards committee at News International, the paper's publisher. One wonders why? 'Have you seen this document before?' asked Richard Kovalevsky, QC for Larcombe. 'As far as your recollection goes, this was not disclosed to you by the MSC?''With the frailty of memory, that's right,' responded Kandiah. Earlier the retired police office told jurors that Operation Elveden was an investigation into alleged inappropriate payments to police. It had been set up in the summer of 2011 by the Met in the wake of Operation Weeting, its investigation into phone-hacking at the Sun's now-defunct News International sister title, the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World. But it was not originally investigating payments by journalists at the Sun. 'In its earlier stage, it was specifically police officers [we were investigating] and it was subsequently expanded [to include journalists],' Kandiah testified. The jury heard that the MSC was set up by Sun proprietor billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch to investigate conduct at all his titles in his UK publishing operation, News International, in 2011. When Kandiah took over as the senior investigating officer on Elveden in September 2011 he learned that the MSC had already started The Sun Review. 'The MSC themselves initiated an internal review of the other papers: The Times, The Sunday Times and the Sun,' said Kandiah. 'This wasn't a matter for the police, this was something they undertook themselves.' He was asked by Larcombe's junior barrister, Jamas Hodivala, how the police ascertained the relevance of evidence if they did not have access to internal e-mails. Kandish said that the MSC decided what was relevant. Kandiah told jurors that a memorandum of understanding was entered into with News International which 'gave a framework for voluntary disclosure to the MPS.' He agreed that in building a case against the journalists on trial, some evidence may have flowed from the 'arrest and search operations' but 'the vast majority came from the [MSC].' He described this as 'less than satisfactory' but said the police had 'no other way' of getting such evidence. 'We looked at other options, there simply weren't other options,' he said. Police normally have to go to court to get permission to search a newspaper's operations because of the special protection given to journalists' sources. On trial are Larcombe, the Sun's deputy editor Geoff Webster, executive editor Fergus Shanahan, and the paper's chief reporter John Kay. All four deny conspiracy to commit misconduct in public office. The trial extremely continues.

A former home of alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie John Lennon's mother is to be sold at auction. The semi-detached property on Blomfield Road, in Allerton was home to Julia Lennon in the 1950s. Although John lived with his aunt Mimi and uncle George in Menlove Avenue, he would regularly visit his mother with his friends in The Quarrymen and practise playing his guitar at her house. It is due to go under the hammer with a guide price of one hundred and twenty grand at Liverpool Town Hall on 31 March. Geoff Guest, auction director for Venmore properties, said: 'We're very excited about this. John spent many years of his youth learning and practising his music under the direction of his mother, who was a great influence on his early musical career.' That was after she'd walked out on his as a five year old, of course. Lennon's half-sisters Julia and Jackie lived in the three-bedroom council house alongside their mother and her partner, John Dykins. The couple never married and Mimi is said to have referred to their home as 'the house of sin.' News of the auction comes three months after a home once lived in by Lennon's fellow band member, George Harrison, was sold for one hundred and fifty six thousand knicker. Other recent sales of Be-Atles memorabilia have included a toilet seat once owned by Lennon - which sold for nine thousand five hundred smackers - and one of his guitars.

And, speaking of people with tenuous relationships to The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, dear blog reader, you might have heard of them), Ted Robbins is reported to be 'in a stable condition' in hospital after collapsing on stage during a show at Manchester Arena, the venue has said. The performance of Phoenix Nights Live was cancelled after he fell to the floor during the opening night. Members of the audience were then asked to leave the venue. Robbins, fifty nine, who is Paul mcCartney's cousin (and, never ruddy shuts up about it) was described as 'a fighter' by his sister Kate. The actress, who was one of several family members at the show, tweeted: 'My brother Ted was taken ill on stage. He's been taken to a local hospital. Thank you for all your good wishes and concern.'She later added that Robbins' family were all with him at hospital. Although, whether than included Macca, she didn't say. A Manchester Arena spokeswoman said that the performance was stopped 'so we could get Ted the help he needed.' BBC journalist Ian Shoesmith was in the third row of the arena when Robbins collapsed shortly after the beginning of the second act, when he was performing on stage alone. He said: 'Everyone initially thought it was part of the act, but then my wife said: "No, this is real, this is serious." They brought the curtain down and then someone said everyone had to leave the building as there was an emergency going on. There was just a stunned silence.' The audience also included cheeky-chappie big-toothed Scouse funster John Bishop and Jason Manford, both of whom subsequently tweeted about the incident, offering their best wishes to their fellow comic. Robbins played the character Den Perry, the rival of Peter Kay's character Brian Potter in the Phoenix Nights TV show, in 2001 and 2002. Saturday night's performance was the first of fifteen shows which saw the original cast of the programme reunited. Profits from the event are going to Comic Relief. Robbins has also appeared in Brookside, Doctors, Holby City, Little Britain and Coronation Street. He is currently playing Barry Quid in the really crappy revival of Birds Of A Feather and The Governor in CBBC programme The Slammer. He also presents a morning show on BBC Radio Lancashire.

Former Coronation Street actress Julie Hesmondhalgh has been awarded the freedom of her Lancashire borough. The actress, who played Hayley Cropper in the ITV soap, was described as 'a wonderful ambassador' for Hyndburn by Councillor Ken Moss. 'The Freedom of the Borough is the highest honour we can bestow and Julie Hesmondhalgh is most definitely a worthy recipient,' he said. Born in Accrington, the forty four-year-old is currently starring in Channel Four drama Cucumber.

Yer actual Brian Blessed has 'been compelled to withdraw' from the Guildford Shakespeare Company's production of King Lear, on doctor's advice. The seventy eight-year-old collapsed on stage during a performance last week with an apparent heart problem, but later returned to finish the performance. A statement from the show's producers said that Big Shouty Brian had now been advised by his specialist not to continue. It said that the actor's heart condition 'is more serious that he was aware. On the advice of his specialist, and with a broken heart, Brian has therefore been compelled to withdraw from the production of which he is so proud,' said the producers of the play at Holy Trinity Church in Guildford. 'He is immensely grateful for the support he has received from The Guildford Shakespeare Company. Mr Blessed will be making no further comment at this time.' According to a follow-up post on the company's Facebook page, the production will continue to run with classical actor Terence Wilton in the lead role until the end of the run on 14 February. Brian fainted during a performance on 19 January, not long after the play had started and fell off a raised platform. After being assessed by a doctor, a twenty-minute rest and a nice cup of hot sweet tea, he then returned to the stage. Matt Pinches, producer for the Guildford Shakespeare Company, said: 'Our warmest and sincerest thoughts are with Brian and his family. It has been an absolute honour to work with such a great talent and we wish him all the very best for the speediest of recoveries.'

Robbie Coltrane has been admitted to hospital in Orlando after falling ill with flu-like symptoms during a flight. Paramedics met him off the flight from London and rushed him to hospital where doctors said that he would remain overnight. Coltrane's agent told the BBC that the actor was 'resting' and would 'be fine', but that more information on his condition was not yet available. He had been travelling to a Harry Potter convention at Universal Studios. Entertainment website TMZ - which first reported the news - claimed that Sir Michael Gambon was also on the flight. Coltrane's UK agent, Belinda Wright, told the BBC that US media reports that an eyewitness had tweeted about the actor allegedly 'drinking heavily' in a Heathrow Airport lounge before boarding his flight were 'not correct' and 'completely untrue'. Which appears to suggest that Coltrane's agent is accusing the Twitter snitch of being a lying liar as well as a Copper's Nark. The response of the Twitter snitch to this clear sleight on their character is awaited with some considerable anticipation. Coltrane, his agent said, had 'struggled' to make his flight as his connecting flight from Glasgow had been delayed due to snow.

Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler has been extremely arrested in California after a bar fight, police said. Officers were reportedly called to The Corkscrew Saloon on the Furnace Creek Ranch in Death Valley National Park shortly after midnight on Tuesday. Inyo County Sheriff's Office said that Terence Michael Butler was arrested for 'misdemeanour assault, public intoxication and vandalism.'That's rock and roll, ladies and gentlemen. He was subsequently released after 'detox and citation', police added.

One of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite actresses, Geraldine McEwan, has died aged eighty two, her family have confirmed. She died on 30 January following a stroke at the end of October. The BAFTA award-winner had a long and successful career in theatre, television and films. She appeared in the title role of ITV's Agatha Christie's Miss Marple from 2004 until 2009. In 1991 she took the BAFTA TV award for best actress for her role as Jess's mother in the TV adaptation of Jeanette Winterson's coming-of-age novel Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit. Her son, Greg, and daughter, Claudia, said in a statement: 'Following a stroke at the end of October and a period in hospital, Geraldine McEwan passed away peacefully on 30 January. Her family would like to thank the staff at Charing Cross Hospital who cared for her incredibly well.' Geraldine was born in Old Windsor and was married to Hugh Cruttwell, a former principal of the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts from 1953 until his death in 2002. She was appointed as an assistant stage manager at the Windsor Theatre Royal at the age of fourteen, making her stage début there in October 1946. Her West End début followed in 1951 and she spent several seasons with the Royal Shakespeare Company in the 1950s and 1960s. She appeared with Kenneth Williams in the original 1965 production of Joe Orton's Loot, which closed at the Wimbledon Theatre before reaching London. She worked more than once with Laurence Olivier on both stage and screen, including Dance Of Death staged by Glen Byam Shaw for the National Theatre at the Old Vic in February 1967. A film version of this production was released in 1969. She famously took the lead role in the television adaptation of Muriel Spark's The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1978). McEwan was reported to be Spark's favourite actress in the role, the character having previously been portrayed in films by both Maggie Smith and Vanessa Redgrave. Geraldine's other work for television in the period included roles in The Barchester Chronicles (1982) and the comedy of manner Mapp & Lucia (1985-86) with Prunella Scales. She also appeared in box-office hits such as Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves in 1991, which saw her play evil witch Mortianna alongside Kevin Costner. Her CV also includes appearances in The Man Without Papers, Away from It All, Come Into The Garden, Maud, Red Dwarf, Mulberry, Thin Ice, the 2004 adaptation of Carrie's War, Ken Branagh's Henry V and The Magdalene Sisters. The actress, who was born Geraldine McKeown, also won many awards for her theatre work, collecting two Evening Standard Best Actress Awards: in 1983 for The Rivals and in 1995 for The Way Of The World. She was reported to have declined an OBE, and later, a DBE (in 2002), but never responded publicly to these claims. When she announced that she was retiring from the role of Miss Marple in 2008, she said: 'Of course, it is terribly disappointing to have to pass the baton on, but it has been a marvellous experience to inhabit this role for the last few years.'

A man who forced his way into a studio of Dutch news broadcaster NOS with a fake gun has no known links to terrorist organisations, police say. The nineteen-year-old was extremely arrested after reportedly warning of bomb and cyber attacks and demanding air-time. A police statement said that he later admitted making the threats up and claimed he was acting alone. The man's motive remains unclear. It comes at a time of heightened security in Europe following the attacks in Paris. NOS's main evening bulletins were cancelled after the intruder broke in on Thursday. Staff were evacuated from the building in the Media Park in the city of Hilversum. The man, smartly dressed and carrying what appeared to be a long pistol, paced around a studio and reportedly wanted ten minutes' airtime. Footage broadcast by NOS after the incident shows the man - looking, frankly, a bit mental - saying: 'The things that are going to be said - those are very large world affairs. We were hired by the security service.' Armed police stormed into the studio and overpowered the man without shooting him in the face and asking questions later as many armed response units would have. Footage shows the officers shouting: 'Drop it! Get on your knees!' Which he did. In some haste. Police then slapped on the cuffs and took him away for, presumably, a damned good kicking in the local cop shop. That'll teach him. Prosecutors later said that the man, aged nineteen and from the town of Pijnacker near The Hague, was a complete plank and was in police custody. He was being held on suspicion of making a threat, weapons possession taking a hostage and being a stupid fucker, officials added. Dutch media reported that he was believed to be a student at a technical university and had been living with his mother and stepfather. A threatening letter the man allegedly gave to staff, warning of bomb and cyber attacks if he was prevented from going on-air, has been published on the NOS website. A reporter who spoke to the man said he had claimed to be from a 'hackers' collective', according to the AP news agency. Security has been tightened across Europe in recent weeks after jihadist attacks on the offices of the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo, police officers and a kosher supermarket in Paris left seventeen people dead.

John Carver claimed victory in his first game since being confirmed as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle head coach as relegation-haunted Hull City's losing run continued and Steve Bruce spent another Saturday afternoon with a face like a smacked arse. And, let's face it, that's always funny. Remy Cabella's twenty-yard strike gave the Magpies the lead at the KC Stadium before Hull's Ahmed Elmohamady had a goal ruled out for a clear handball. Sammy Ameobi's long-range goal gave the away side a firm grip on the game and Carver's team sealed the win with twelve minutes to go courtesy of a deflected finish from substitute Yoan Gouffran. In this fixture last season, then-Newcastle boss Alan Pardew infamously head-butted Hull midfielder David Meyler reet in the mush in the 4-1 win for United. Pardew's recent departure to Crystal Palace took the off-field heat out of the contest and focused attention on the pitch, where the away side were again vastly superior. Newcastle are now eleven points above their opponents, who remain firmly rooted in the bottom three and were once again toothless in attack despite the return of Abel Hernandez and Nikica Jelavic. Bruce revealed before the game that Hull had agreed a fee for Lokomotiv Moscow's Senegalese striker Dame N'Doye and his arrival cannot come soon enough for them. Newcastle struggled for the first quarter of the game but Hull's continued inability to turn chances into goals meant the home side quickly lost their initial positivity. Newcastle capitalised on this either side of half-time as Cabella created room for himself and fired in from outside the box for his first Newcastle goal in the fortieth minute before Ameobi drove home from even further out soon after the break. Hull battled for a way into the game and came close when Fabricio Coloccini almost sliced a clearance into his own net and Jelavic failed to steer Gaston Ramirez's saved shot into an empty net. But their fate was well and truly sealed when Gouffran was given acres of space to fire a shot that deflected off Elmohamady, over the unfortunate Allan McGregor and into the net. It was the Magpies first win since their 3-2 victory over Everton on 28 December.

And finally, is this the greatest headline in the Metro ever?
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's something extremely Special. AKA.

New location pictures have been released of filming on the Sherlock Christmas special in London. Both yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self were seen in Victorian-era clothing on a recreation of Baker Street. In some scenes, fake snow flurries were used to give the episode a festive feel. Filming has already been completed in Gloucester and Bristol, but fans are still in the dark over what, exactly, the Victorian element will be. It has been widely suggested that the special is based on Arthur Conan Doyle's Christmas short story The Adventure Of The Blue Carbuncle, after yer actual Mark Gatiss tweeted quotes from that particular story.
Broadchurch fell to a new overnight low on Monday. The ITV drama dropped by around four hundred thousand viewers from the previous week to an average of 4.76 million at 9pm. Earlier, Richard Wilson's On the Road brought in 2.86m at 8pm. BBC1's Silent Witness topped the night, rising by two hundred thousand week-on-week to 5.73m at 9pm. Inside Out appealed to 3.81m at 7.30pm, while the latest Panorama interested 2.77m at 8.30pm. On BBC2, University Challenge was watched by 2.93m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 2.28m at 8.30pm. The Davey Myers episode of A Cook Abroad gathered 1.56m at 9pm, while Odious, Unfunny, Lanky Streak Of Worthless, Rank & Rancid Piss Jack Whitehall's Backchat drew eight hundred and fifty thousand sad, crushed victims of society at 10pm. Channel Four's The Jump failed to entertain 1.76m at 8pm, dropping by around eight hundred thousand punters from the previous evening's launch episode. The Undateables was seen by 1.76m at 9pm, while Catastrophe had an audience of six hundred and thirty nine thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Celebrity Big Brother continued with its lowest overnight audience of the current series, 1.35m, at 8pm. Ten Thousand BC launched with 1.26m at 10pm.

It's certainly fair to say that Broadchurch's second season has disappointed many with its rather sprawling storyline. For what it's worth, this blogger broadly agrees with the Metro's TV critic, the great Keith Watson, who recently wrote in praise of the court scenes which, despite occasionally veering off into the realms of implausibility, 'reminds us of how Broadchurch can still exert an emotional grip. If only we didn't have to cut away to the Sandbrook story and its collection of unfeasible characters,' Watson continued. 'It's like they're from a different show.' So, there you go - it's all Eve Myles's fault. Officially.
Silent Witness rose by around three hundred thousand overnight viewers to top Tuesday evening's ratings. The eighteenth series finale of the popular crime drama brought in an average six million at 9pm on BBC1. Later, Count Arthur Strong was watched by 1.31m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: The Fixer appealed to 1.92m at 8pm, followed by Inside The Commons with 1.69m at 9pm. Rory Bremner's Coalition Report attracted 1.39m at 10pm. ITV's Deirdre & Me tribute was seen by 2.83m at 7.30pm. Bad Builders: Bang to Rights gathered 2.31m at 8pm, while Paul O'Grady's Animal Orphans interested 2.43m at 9pm. On Channel Four, The Jump continued with 1.84m at 8pm, followed by Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody with nine hundred and forty two thousand at 9pm and Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell with six hundred and forty six thousand punters at 10pm. Channel Five's Benidorm ER attracted eight hundred and five thousand at 8pm, while Celebrity Big Brother's latest episode had 2.26m at 9pm. Ten Thousand BC dipped to nine hundred and sixty one thousand for its second episode at 10pm. On BBC3, Excluded: Kicked Out Of School concluded with three hundred and thirty nine thousand at 9pm. On BBC4, Digging For Britain launched with seven hundred and fifteen thousand at 8pm, followed by Timewatch with seven hundred and two thousand at 9pm.

Match Of The Day Live topped the overnight ratings on Wednesday evening. BBC1's coverage of live FA Cup football and the match between Notlob Wanderings and the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws scored an average audience of 4.49 million at 7.30pm. ITV's Midsomer Murders dipped by five hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's series opener to 4.29m at 8pm. On BBC2, Alaska: Earth's Frozen Kingdom interested 2.35m at 8pm, followed by Wolf Hall's latest episode with 2.61m at 9pm. Up The Women was watched by eight hundred and twelve thousand and continued to be every single bit as funny as an afternoon at the genital torturers. And, speaking of unentertaining  and worthless shat, Channel Four's The Jump continued with 1.84m at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours In A&E attracted 1.86m at 9pm. Bodyshockers followed with nine hundred and seventy two thousand punters at 10pm. On Channel Five, GPs: Behind Closed Doors appealed to 1.21m at 8pm, followed by Celebrity Big Brother with 2.34m at 9pm. Age Gap Love had an audience of eight hundred and sixty six thousand at 10pm.

Death In Paradise remained on top of the Thursday ratings despite a small week-on-week drop, overnight data has shown. The BBC1 Caribbean crime drama fell by around three hundred and fifty thousand viewers from the previous week to 6.64 million at 9pm. Earlier, Eat Well For Less interested 4.91m at 8pm, while Question Time brought in 2.58m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, The Great British Sewing Bee launched with 2.34m at 8pm, followed by Modern Times with seven hundred and seventy eight thousand at 9pm and Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe with nine hundred and ten thousand at 10pm. ITV's The Kyle Files appealed to 2.34m at 7.30pm, while the wretched, rotten as smelly fekBirds Of A Feather provided a wholly laughless half-hour for 3.75m viewers - all of whom should have known exactly what to expect from this pointless exercise at 8.30pm. Car Crash Britain gathered 3.02m at 9pm. On Channel Four, The Jump continued with 1.52m at 8pm. Cucumber continued to shed viewers faster than a ... big shedding thing, falling to but five hundred and ten thousand at 9pm - just over half of the 1.2 million overnight punters who watched the opening episode of the Manchester-set drama three weeks ago. That was followed by Married Behind Bars with five hundred and ninety two thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Secrets of Rome's Colosseum attracted seven hundred and eighteen thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother with 2.39m at 9pm and Botched Up Bodies with six hundred and twenty seven thousand at 10pm. On BBC3, Bangkok Airport was watched by five hundred and thirty six thousand at 9pm, while E4's Brooklyn Nine-Nine drew four hundred and eighty six thousand at 9pm. On Sky1, Ross Kemp's Extreme World enthralled two hundred and seventy eight thousand at 9pm, while Sky Atlantic's Fortitude dipped by over one hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's opener to five hundred and one thousand at 9pm.

TV comedy moment of the week came from Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe: 'Channel Four's The Jump returned to wow viewers with its intoxicating blend of celebrity injuries and sleet. This years contestants include Joey Essex, a man so stupid you expect him to go up the slope cos he's never heard of gravity.' This blogger also enjoyed the suggestion that the difference between the first and second series of Broadchurch was: 'In Broadchurch one, the mystery is "who's the murderer?" In Broadchurch two, it's "what's the point?"' A quick top telly tip for yer man Chas, however. You wanna try cracking a smile occasionally, mate. Otherwise, one day, the wind might change and your face'll stay like that.
BBC1's coverage of England's Six Nations Rugby defeat of Welsh Wales was Friday evening's highest-rated overnight broadcast. The game which England won eighteen-sixteen was seen by an average audience of 7.31 million from 7.30pm. An audience of 4.3 million watched The ONE Show at 7pm, while 3.39 million watched The Graham Norton Show at 10.35pm. On ITV, Benidorm was seen by 3.53 million at 9pm, while The Martin Lewis Money Show drew by 3.5 million at 8pm. The Big Allotment Challenge was BBC2's highest-rated show of the evening with 1.32 million at 9pm. It was preceded by 1.17 million for Mastermind at 8pm and 1.03 million for Food & Drink at 8.30pm. Rhod Gilbert Versus Kilimanjaro rounded the evening off with nine hundred and twenty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Four, the latest - rubbish - episode of The Jump was watched by 1.45 million viewers at 8pm, followed by 1.05 million for Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown and eight hundred and seventy thousand for The Last Leg. Celebrity Big Brother's live final was seen by 2.5 million people on Channel Five. With an average audience of eight hundred and two thousand, ITV3's 8pm showing of Agatha Christie's Marple was among the highest-rated multichannel shows.

Incidentally, in case you've been living in a cave for the last few days and haven't heard - and if you haven't, jolly well done, frankly - the former model, reality TV regular and waste of oxygen Katie Price won the Celebrity Big Brother final. And this is 'news' apparently.
The Voice rose once again to 8.7 million overnight viewers on Saturday night. BBC1's singing competition, which is having a great time at the moment, in no small part due to the lack of anything approaching opposition on ITV, averaged a series high overnight of 8.72m from 7.15pm. The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List followed with 5.25m, before Casualty managed 4.95m. Six Nations Rugby had 4.23m before the evening ended with 3.36m for Match Of The Day. On BBC2, a Dad's Army repeat appealed to 1.74m from 8.35pm. Qi XL continued with 1.26m. On ITV, it was another disastrous night with Harry Hill's Stars in Their Eyes and Planet's Got Talent being watched by audiences of 2.35m and 1.97m respectively. The latest Take Me Out drew 3.05m from 8.05pm, with The Jonathan Ross Show appealing to 2.24m afterwards. Channel Four's The World's Weirdest Weather was seen by eight hundred and fifty seven thousand in the 8pm hour, before a broadcast of American Pie: Reunion was watched by nine hundred and seventy four thousand. On Channel Five, a new(ish) episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation had an audience of eight hundred and twenty three thousand from 10.15pm. ITV3's Foyle's War topped the multichannels during primetime, with nine hundred and forty thousand from 8pm.

Overnight ratings for Sunday's the BAFTA Film Awards were up on last year. Hosted by Stephen Fry, the annual event attracted 4.91 million punters at 9pm on BBC1, up from the previous year's overnight audience of 4.56m, but down on 2013's 5.38m. Earlier, Countryfile appealed to 7.6m at 7pm, before Call The Midwife remained comfortably atop the ratings pile with 8.81m at 8pm. BBC2's Top Gear entertained 5.36m at 8pm and put a scowl on the face of a few dozen loud-mouthed Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star readers (as usual), while Dragon's Den attracted 2.39m at 9pm. Match of the Day 2 - featuring yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies' dreadful last-minute capitulation to Dirty Stoke - brought in 1.77m at 10pm. On ITV, Get Your Shit Together hit a new low with 1.73m at 7pm. Which was a thousand times funnier than anything in the show itself. All Star Family Fortunes dipped to 2.25m at 8.15pm, while Mr Selfridge added around seven hundred thousand overnight viewers week-on-week to 3.88m at 9pm. The Jump continued on Channel Four with 1.88m at 7pm, while The Hotel interested 1.13m at 8pm. The documentary Our Guy In India attracted 2.06m at 9pm. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous was watched by seven hundred and thirty seven thousand on Channel Five at 7pm while Bounty Hunters averaged seven hundred and forty nine thousand at 9pm.

Australian F1 driver Daniel Ricciardo beat Lewis Hamilton to take the top spot on the Top Gear Star in a Reasonably Priced Car leaderboard. After an impressive lap, Jezza Clarkson told Ricciardo that he had driven the test track in one minute and 42.2 seconds, sending him to the top of the table and knocking World Champion Hamilton into second place.
And now, here's the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Three programmes for week-ending Sunday 1 February 2015:-
1 Call The Midwife - Sun BBC1 - 10.60m
2 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 9.58m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 9.20m
4= Death In Paradise - Thurs BBC1 - 8.69m
4= EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 8.69m
6 Silent Witness - Mon BBC1 - 8.17m
7 Broadchurch - Mon ITV - 7.98m
8 Last Tango In Halifax - Sun BBC1 - 7.90m
9 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 7.71m
10 Emmerdale - Wed ITV - 7.06m
11 Top Gear - Sun BBC2 - 6.56m
12 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.75m
13 Six O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 5.72m
14 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.69m
15 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 5.42m
16 Midsomer Murders - Wed ITV - 5.38m*
17 Eat Well For Less? - Thurs BBC1 - 5.20m
18 Ten O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.12m
19 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.90m
20 The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List - Sat BBC1 - 4.83m
21 Benidorm - Fri ITV - 4.69m*
22 Wolf Hall - Wed BBC2 - 4.46m
23 Pets: Wild At Heart - Wed BBC1 - 4.42m
As usual, these figures do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' also don't include HD figures. Aside from Corrie, Broadchurch, Emmerdale and Benidorm, the only ITV programme of the week to achieve a consolidated audience of more than four million viewers was the wretchedly wretched Birds of A Feather (4.22m) with Mr Selfridge dropping below the four million mark for the first time (3.99m). BBC2, enjoyed another bumper week. Their highest-rated programme, apart from Top Gear and Wolf Hall, was University Challenge with 3.10 million. Next came Dragon's Den with 2.80 million and Only Connect with 2.60 million. Mastermind drew 2.25 million, followed by Alex Polizzi: The Fixer (2.12m), Attenborough's Paradise Birds (1.98m) and the latest Dad's Army repeat (1.87m). The Jump was, disappointingly, Channel Four's most watched programme (2.85m), followed by Our Guy In India (2.76m) and The Undateables (2.41m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were, again, dominated by Celebrity Big Brother, the most watched episode being Thursday's 3.13m. Foyle's War was ITV3's most-watched programme with 1.11m viewers. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite drama on TV anywhere in the world at the moment, Spiral, drew BBC4's largest audience of the week (eight hundred and ninety seven thousand for Saturday's first episode, eight hundred and seventy nine thousand for the second), with Timeshift: Battle For The Himalayas being watched by five hundred and four thousand. A vintage episode of Mock The Week on Dave was seen by four hundred and seventy four thousand. Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled attracted three hundred and seventy one thousand. The FOX Channel's latest episode of NCIS's twelfth series had eight hundred and ten thousand viewers. The Universal Channel's most watched programme was Major Crimes with one hundred and sixty thousand. BBC3's weekly largest-rated list was topped by Bangkok Airport (seven hundred and seventy thousand). A new episode of Bones was Sky Living's highest-rated show with eight hundred and nine thousand viewers. Sky Atlantic's broadcast of the début episode of Fortitude drew a properly extraordinary 1.53 million viewers on Thursday (the following evening's repeat of the episode added a further four hundred and seventy three thousand). Sky 1's most watched programme was Hawaii Five-O (nine hundred and sixteen thousand). Murdoch Mysteries on Alibi drew two hundred and seventy four thousand viewers. Yesterday's Yellowstone was seen by three hundred and forty four thousand. BBC Parliament's fiftieth anniversary repeat of Winston Churchill's State Funeral had an audience of thirty eight thousand.

An estimated average of one hundred and fourteen million people watched last Sunday's Super Bowl on NBC, according to initial US overnight figures. The game set a new record for the most-watched event in American television, beating last year's audience of one hundred and twelve million. Viewing peaked at just under one hundred and twenty one million during the last quarter, which saw the New England Patriots beat the Seattle Seahawks twenty eight to twenty four. Some one hundred and eighteen and a half million watched Katy Perry's half-time show in which the singer, in the words of Charlie Brooker, 'performed a medley of her greatest hit' - three million more than last year's show with Bruno Mars. Ratings compiler Nielsen said that the twelve-minute performance - which also featured Lenny Kravitz and Missy Elliot - attracted the biggest half-time audience for a Superbowl since 1991. NBC said the actual audience for the broadcast was likely to have been far higher because official ratings did not count people watching in locations such as sports bars, alleged 'respectable' businessmen's clubs and, you know, brothels.
Details of the Top Gear arena tour have been revealed. As the presenting trio of Jezza Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond travel around the country, fans will be treated to supercars, stunts and plenty of competitions. Much to the scowling red-faced annoyance of all Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star Green Party frackisation-hating pond scum everywhere. So, excellent. Let's have a lot more of that, then. The live arena shows will involve The Hamster and Mister Slowly competing to make a smaller car than the P45, while two custom built BMW M3s will be covered in over six hundred metres of LED lights. Other stunts include the world's largest Cage Of Death, which sees seven motorcyclists circling the giant globe. The Top Gear tour will be the first time the stunt has been seen in Europe. The Stig will also take on the presenters in a Reliant Robin race, as Jezza races a member of Team GB while sitting in a supercar. Clarkson, May and Hammond will also attempt to settle the rivalry of who the best driver is among them in a dramatic Who's The Hardest test. The trio have been given a budget to find the best drift car and whoever performs best on the night wins. Creative Director Rowland French said: 'Top Gear Live has never toured like this in the UK before and we're really excited about coming back to the UK because it's Top Gear's home. We've got a whole new show and a load of challenges, stunts and surprises that we can't wait to show the audience for the first time.'

There's a very good piece in the Radio Times this week concerning The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and Big Rusty Davies's recent debate in the pages of Doctor Who Monthly about The Doctor's various marriages, which you can read about here.
Yer actual Stevie Fry has addressed the possibility of a Bit Of Fry & Laurie reunion. During this week's episode of The Jonathan Ross Show, Stephen said he would 'never say never' about such a conceit, but admitted that both he and Huge Laurie see sketch comedy as 'a young person's game. We do miss it,' Stevie admitted. 'I see [Huge] as often as possible and we just fit right back into our old modes of speech and silliness. And it's divine. We talk about [performing together again] but, generally speaking, [we] feel that sketch comedy is a young person's game.' The Qi host and national treasure continued to tell Ross: 'Never say never. We talk about it. Who knows? Maybe I think the thing we'd most like to do - because it's somehow just more direct and fun than recording sketches in a studio - is to go on the road and play theatres and things, not necessarily stadiums exactly but nice [venues].' Stephen will host the BAFTAs for the tenth time on Sunday night and admitted that he still gets nervous about hosting the event. 'I still get a kick,' he added. 'I have to be honest, whenever I stop getting nervous, I get a round of nervousness saying "why aren't you nervous? For heaven's sake be nervous" then I get almost sick with fear.'

'Solidarity among widows!' BBC4's Saturday night included another two terrific episodes of Engrenages in which, Gilou got deeper and deeper into the shit, Laure and Joséphine formed an unlikely alliance, Monsieur Le Judge found someone almost as incorruptible as himself to work with and, quite unexpectedly and out of left-field, Herville, apparently, discovered a conscience and suggested that doing the right thing, even if it isn't the easy thing, is preferable to naked ambition. Who'd have expected that? Laure's boys now seem close to apprehending the killer, particularly as, by the end of episode ten, Gilou is back on the streets. It was, nevertheless, an unusually particularly violent and desperate pair of episodes (even for Spiral) with one fatal beating, a truly horrific bent-over-the-desk-and-taken-from-the-rear-rape and a non-fatal but nevertheless very nasty rottweiler attack. And, given that two of those incidents happened to the same character it's fair to say that Kim, in particular, was having a really bad day or two. Of course, this wouldn't be Spiral if the audience wasn't given the opportunity to despair at the depths of human depravity once in a while, but three times in one episode is pushing things. Tintin meets with Bensimon to arrange the illegal printer-cartridge deal. He doesn't have Gilou's 'gamekeeper-turned-poacher' criminal edge to him, but he pulls off the meeting impressively. Zach tells naughty Karen and slightly-less-naughty Laetitia to get the time of departure for the lorry carrying the haul. In the course of getting obtaining this information, Laetitia's last-minute replacement, Kim, is brutally raped by Pascal, the warehouse insider. The subsequent raid on the lorry fails in its main objective of arresting Zach who, unknown to Laure and her team at the time, has been beaten to death by the biker gang for debts unpaid. Eventually, the CID team track a lead on a stolen (but, not really stolen) car to the Étoile estate. As they question Kim's dodgy, insurance fraudster mother of a mother, Karen sets two really mean dogs on Kim. With rather bloody consequences. Herville, meanwhile, is with the repulsive pair of Lenoir and Foucart in which they discuss stitching Gilou up like a kipper, Tommy Nutters. It seems straightforward enough at first with plenty of mutual arse-licking and the getting of dodgy stories extremely straight. Herville is offered the promotion out of CID he desperately wants, to head up the Armed Response Unit as an incentive to be his bosses lackey. But, shockingly, he refuses to throw Gilou to the wolves. 'Getting promoted for shafting an officer,' he ponders. 'I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror in the mornings.' Good on ya, mate although it should be noted, it's a pity it's taken him the best part of two series to get to that point. Still, you know, better late than never. There's also the continuing, very complex shenanigans surrounding Roban and Mendy's investigations into Ziani and Joséphine finding herself drawn deeper into Edelman's sinister machinations as a spectacularly intricate sideshow. Spiral, dear blog reader. Dark as ever and, this week, about twice as nasty as usual. It continues to be the crime drama that shows all the others how it's done.

It was properly fantastic this week to see one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite actresses, The West Wing's Janel Moloney, making an all too rare US network appearance in the two-part return of The Blacklist as a shady CIA-type individual.
Meanwhile, over at the Top Gear test track ...
Next, didn't anyone ever inform daft plank Amanda Holden that it's, generally, a good idea to wear a bra when it's a bit chilly outside?
Quick, put them away, love, before Elephant Head comes out and starts singing. Oh, too late ...
The BBC announced last month that its Saturday fantasy drama Atlantis would not be returning for a third series. Because it was shit and no one was watching it. That's the usual reason why shows get cancelled. Now, Jack Donnelly has told the Digital Spy website that he is 'gutted' about Jason's journey being left 'up in the air.' Well, maybe if you'd managed to get a few more people watching it, Jason's fate might have been somewhat different, matey. That's showbusiness for you.

A two-part BBC2 documentary about the Royal Family which was postponed over 'rights issues' will be broadcast from 19 February, the BBC says. Reinventing The Royals was due to be shown on 4 January, but was pulled from the schedule a few days beforehand after problems emerged regarding the use of archive footage. The documentary investigates the Royal Family's relationship with the media. A BBC spokesperson said all clearance issues 'have now been resolved' and the programme will be broadcast as originally intended. Written and presented by media analyst and Gruniad Morning Star journalist Steve Hewlett, the first episode will look at how Prince Charles hired the spin doctor Mark Bolland who worked to improve his public image following the death of the Princess of Wales. The series will also examine Princes William and Harry's relationship with the media following the death of their mother and how the monarchy has changed in the age of the Internet. A BBC spokeswoman said: 'The first episode of Reinventing The Royals will be broadcast on 19 February and it will be the one that we always intended to show.'

Sky1 has confirmed the launch date for the, much-trailed, new series Critical. The medical drama will premiere on the channel on Tuesday 24 February. The thirteen-part series is told in real-time like 24 and focuses on a hospital's trauma unit. The series is written by Line Of Duty's Jed Mercurio and reunites him with Lennie James, who stars as trauma consultant Glen Boyle. The show also stars Catherine Walker, Claire Skinner and Kimberley Nixon. The Critical cast is completed by Doctor Who's Neve McIntosh, Prasanna Puwanarajah, John MacMillan, Ellen Thomas, Mali Harries, Paul Bazely, Danny Kirrane, Peter Sullivan, Emma Fryer, Orion Lee and Juliet Oldfield. Critical is Mercurio's first medical drama since his work on Bodies in 2006. He also wrote the hugely under-rated Cardiac Arrest for the BBC between 1994 and 1996.
HBO will première the television version of JK Rowling's The Casual Vacancy this spring. EastEnders writer Sarah Phelps's adaptation of the novel will come to the US in a two-night premiere on 29 and 30 April at 8pm. The Casual Vacancy tells the story of the deep divisions which exist below the surface of the seemingly idyllic village of Pagford. Michael Gambon, Keeley Hawes, Rory Kinnear and Julia McKenzie portray some of the residents of Pagford in Phelps's version of the novel. The series will precede its US première beginning in the UK on 15 February on BBC1.
EastEnders producer Dominic Treadwell-Collins has said he will not bring minority characters into the BBC soap just to fulfil diversity quotas. He told the Radio Times defining such characters with plots around ethnicity, sexuality or disability would turn the soap into 'a blancmange. The day I start box-ticking is the day I leave,' he said. Last year, the BBC Trust said the show 'isn't a documentary and has to appeal to audiences throughout the UK.' Speaking last summer, Diane Coyle - the former acting head of the Trust - said 'there are almost twice as many white people living in [EastEnders'] fictional E20 as in real life E17', adding that the corporation needed to step up its efforts to reflect contemporary Britain. BBC Director General Tony Hall announced plans last year to increase the BBC's diversity, pledging that fifteen per cent of on-air staff would be black, Asian, minority or ethnic by 2017 - increasing it from the current eleven per cent. Although EastEnders has not been told it must meet any specific target, Treadwell-Collins said he would not adhere to one if asked to do so. 'As soon as someone starts imposing editorial decisions, we fight back, because we know what we're doing,' he said. During his tenure at EastEnders, Treadwell-Collins has overseen the introduction of two characters with disabilities, including market trader Donna Yates, in addition to a number of ethnic and minority characters. He also created the storyline in which Muslim character Syed Masood struggled with his faith and sexuality. Treadwell-Collins also recently cast Richard Blackwood in the soap, describing him as 'an authentic Londoner.' Michael Buffong, a former director of EastEnders, and now artistic director of black theatre company Talawa, said that reflecting the diversity of an area didn't necessarily have to be 'a box-ticking exercise. You can just do it because that's what it looks like,' he told the BBC. 'This argument about diversity and representation has been going on so long - we've tried everything else, we've tried waiting - why not have quotas? At least there will be a change.' He said that he would like to see greater representation on TV and across the entertainment industry as a whole. 'The answer is make programmes more diverse. Give black actors roles - it's not an incredibly difficult formula.' Last month, Channel Four announced its own new diversity charter. As well as setting employment targets, it also includes guidelines to ensure 'every new Channel Four commissioned programme in every genre works towards increasing diverse participation on and off-screen.' Sky also announced last summer its commitment to twenty per cent BAME representation in all new non-returning programmes and twenty per cent BAME writers on all team-written shows.

Benidorm has been recommissioned for an eighth series by ITV. The award-winning comedy will film its latest series on location in Spain later in the year.

Channel Four has shortened its new TV series Immigration Street after filming was disrupted by local residents. The station originally commissioned six episodes of the Benefits Street spin-off but now says that the series will be 'shorter than initially planned.' Attempts to film on Southampton's Derby Road last year were met with protests. 'While there were residents who wanted to share their stories, other elements on the street were determined to hinder filming,' a spokesman said. 'Because of the disruption this caused, Immigration Street will now be shorter than the initially planned six episodes.'The programme will be 'transmitted in the next few weeks', the spokesman confirmed. 'Despite objections from some local groups, immigration is too important an issue for debate about it to be silenced,' the station's representative added, rather haughtily. The announcement followed a protest on Saturday 31 January which saw Southampton residents demonstrate outside Channel Four's headquarters in London. Some Derby Road residents have raised concerns that the show - produced for Channel Four, like the controversial Benefits Street, by independent outfit Love Productions - will 'stigmatise' the area. When it announced the series, Channel Four said it would 'capture life on a street in Southampton where the mix of residents has been transformed over time and continues to evolve as a result of immigration. Cameras will follow the lives of some of the residents of Derby Road in the Bevois district of the city an ethnically diverse street where the majority of residents were not born in the UK.'
Some good news; Last Tango In Halifax has been renewed for a fourth series on BBC1. The channel confirmed that Sally Wainwright's popular drama will return for another run next year at the end of last Sunday's finale.
BBC Trust chair Rona Fairhead has warned the government that there is no public appetite for political interference in the BBC in a bid to avoid a repeat of the 'shotgun' licence fee deal of 2010 which ushered in a new era of cuts at the corporation. Fairhead told the Royal Television Society on Tuesday that the BBC 'should be kept out of politics as far as possible' and suggested that scum politicians should cut it out and keep their noses sick agendas out of the BBC's face. She warned that the BBC would face 'vigorous attempts to influence it' in the run-up to the general erection with 'barbs from all sides about the impartiality of the BBC's coverage. The BBC must withstand that.' Fairhead's speech, which called for an unprecedented degree of clarity about what the BBC is for and how much it should cost, will be seen as an attempt to avert a repeat of the 'quick fix' licence fee settlement of five years ago which has caused so much chaos in the years since. The hastily negotiated deal, which followed frantic negotiations with the government and saw the corporation take on a range of new funding responsibilities including the World Service, was compared by its world affairs editor John Simpson to 'waterboarding'. Unveiling BBC-commissioned research which said fifty five per cent of people wanted the licence fee set by an independent body, against twenty three per cent who felt it should be the remit of government or MPs, Fairhead said: 'There was very little support for any government intervention in the BBC. People see a need for independent scrutiny and regulation, but they prefer this to be done by a separate body representing licence fee payers, not by government or MPs. Politicians need to understand that strength of feeling about independence. The BBC doesn't belong to the state.' With negotiations about the BBC's new royal charter and licence fee set to begin after May's general erection, Fairhead said it 'ought to be crystal clear what the BBC has agreed to do as part of its public service remit' following 'a proper public debate. That should include greater clarity about the costs that go with such purposes. If it continues to provide a world-beating World Service or World News, that has significant cost. We ought to be explicit about the deal that is being struck in any new charter and the financial consequences of it.' Fairhead, currently in the process of considering management's proposals to close the BBC3 channel, said that the majority of people saw the £145.50 licence fee as value for money but said there needed to be 'much better understanding of the trade-offs that will have to be made, what audiences expect of the BBC and what they are willing to pay.' Fairhead used the speech to say that the BBC should generate more revenue from its content through its commercial arm, BBC Worldwide. She said one of her 'less pleasant surprises' when assuming the role was how little the BBC did to use data to understand its audiences and offer a more personal service to licence fee payers. 'The BBC is a long way behind the competition,' she said. Fairhead, the former chief executive of the Financial Times group who succeeded Lord Patten as head of the Trust last year, also said that the BBC had to look again at its role in education, hinting at an expanded role for the corporation. Fairhead said that the BBC had to 'be aware' of its commercial impact, including the local and national newspaper industry where she said the BBC 'has to show that it can be more open and collaborative. There remains a persistent refrain that the BBC is a difficult organisation to deal with. We've all heard the saying that partnership is something the BBC does to you rather than with you. It needs to become more agile - simpler to work in and to work with.' She said that she saw 'no public appetite' for a smaller BBC, as some critics - with a sick agenda - have called for, which she said, would 'not be the BBC as we know it. It wouldn't have the appeal to broad audiences, it wouldn't have the firepower to create great international journalism or world beating drama or achieve its public purposes.' ICM's polling of two thousand and eleven people drawn from the BBC Trust online panel showed that seventy nine per cent of people thought the BBC did its job to 'inform, educate and entertain' either very well or fairly well. Another eighteen per cent thought it did the job not very well or not well at all. What the other three per cent thought, or if they even understood the question, we simply don't know.

The government has been very satisfyingly defeated in the House of Lords after peers voted for an amendment backed by former BBC chairman Lord Grade preventing decriminalisation of non-payment of the licence fee before 2017. The Tory peer said that he was 'deeply concerned' about the potential impact of decriminalisation on the BBC's budget, which the corporation has said would cost it around two hundred million smackers per annum, and warned that 'dark forces' were at work. Mostly from his own party and their agenda-soaked scum mates in the Tory media, admittedly. The lack of culture secretary, the vile and odious rascal Javid, set up an independent review into the issue, due to report this summer and government ministers wanted to keep open the option of taking swift action following its completion. But peers voted by one hundred and seventy eight to one hundred and seventy five in favour of a cross-party amendment co-sponsored by Lord Grade, to prevent any change before the next licence fee settlement begins in April 2017. The amendment to the deregulation bill was backed by peers including former Tory cabinet minister, Lord Fowler, Lib Dem former BBC children's television presenter, Baroness Benjamin and Labour former EastEnders actor, Lord Cashman. Lord Grade said: 'I would love to see the licence fee decriminalised, but there are risks in doing that. There are risks the enemies of the BBC will see it as an opportunity to then move the compulsory element of the licence fee and move the BBC to a subscription model which would completely undermine the whole concept of public service broadcasting. I think there are dark forces at work.' No shit, Sherlock? A BBC spokesman said: 'We are working with the government's review into licence fee enforcement and have always maintained that any changes to the licence fee system need to take into account the full effects on the BBC's income, and should only be made in tandem with the next licence fee settlement. Licence fee evasion is low, which maximises investment in the shows and services that audiences love and changing the system is likely to lead to higher evasion.' The government announced in September last year that it would bring forward a review into decriminalisation of non-payment of the fee, as part of the deregulation bill that gained cross party support. The vile and odious rascal Javid said: 'When over ten per cent of magistrates court cases concern this one offence, you have to ask whether the current system is really working. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.' Really exactly. The debate about the BBC's charter renewal and future of the licence fee will not begin in earnest until after the general erection in May. Lord Grade told peers that if the licence fee was to be decriminalised, it needed to happen as part of longer-term funding plans for the corporation so as not to interfere with the 'delicate financial arrangements for the BBC. We need to reflect on that in the context of charter review not in a hurried order from government just months away from charter review,' he said. Fowler said the most enthusiastic supporters of decriminalisation were opposed to the licence fee and described it as a 'mini-sideshow as far as they are concerned. They are opposed to the BBC as a public broadcaster and they advocate a subscription system.' Lord Cashman said it was an 'attempt to constrain the BBC – it is a seat belt wrapped over the BBC. It will stop them being able to do any long-term planning.' Baroness Howe, an independent crossbench peer who put forward the amendment, said: 'Under the current settlement the BBC has been able to plan its programme-making years in advance and budget accordingly. Any changes to the licence fee enforcement regime coming into effect before 1 April 2017 would have a significant impact on the content the BBC provides.' Labour peer, Baroness Corston, opposed the amendment: 'I know that fifty people a year are imprisoned because they don't pay a television licence,' she said. And, those of us who do are supposed to, what? Feel sorry for these criminals? Should that extend to other people imprisoned each year? Bank robbers, perhaps? Or, you know, politicians who fiddle their expense claims? 'They are not imprisoned if they don’t pay council tax and local authorities seem to survive,' this very silly woman added. 'We should not allow the continuing criminalisation of this penalty because of the malign effect it has on an admittedly small number of people. I do not think that the signal we are sending that the status quo is all right is acceptable.' But, of course, as we all know, the status quo is not all right. All of their songs sound exactly the same, for one thing.

Nadia Sawalha has said that she regrets taking part in Celebrity Big Brother'one billion per cent.' And, again, the question must be asked, we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for her? One imagines the disgustingly large pay cheque she will have received for prostituting herself in the latest series of the sick Victorian freak show will have compensated, somewhat, for the self-imposed dignity-free zone experience. Speaking to Lorraine Kelly, Sawalha said that she had been 'decompressing' ever since leaving the house last week. Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.
Lily Allen has reportedly turned down an offer to appear on odious oily twat Piers Morgan's Life Stories. The singer tweeted Morgan to let him know, publicly, that she had received her 'annual' invite to appear on his thoroughly worthless show and that 'it's still a no' from her.

BBC2's new sitcom Boy Meets Girl, touted as the first British comedy to prominently feature transgender characters, has begun filming. The comedy follows Leo, who has a terrible day when he is fired from his job, given a hard time by his mother and forced to play gooseberry to his brother on a night out. However, his luck changes when he meets older woman called Judy. Leo finds himself deeply attracted to Judy and arranges to meet her again. Although his mother is unhappy about the age gap between the pair, Leo doesn't care what she thinks because he knows he has met somebody special. Harry Hepple will play Leo, Rebecca Root will play Judy and Denise Welch is Leo's mother, Pam. The cast also includes Janine Duvitski, Nigel Betts, Lizzie Roper and Jonny Dixon. Boy Meets Girl was created by Elliott Kerrigan and written by Kerrigan, Simon Carlyle and Andrew Mettam. It was discovered through the Trans Comedy Award, a BBC talent search which offered writers up to five thousand knicker for a script which promoted a positive portrayal of transgender characters. BBC Commissioning Editor Kristian Smith said: 'Boy Meets Girl is a heart-warming romantic comedy that draws on the glorious differences that shape all of us. It's a brilliant thing to be able to support comedy that is not only funny, but can also promote affirming messages of humanity and acceptance.' Filming is now taking place in Manchester and on location in the North East. No broacast date for Boy Meets Girl has yet been announced.

Heather Mills has said she would 'definitely' still be competing on The Jump if her prosthetic leg had not broken. Which is bit like Moscow Chelski FC suggesting that they would 'definitely' still be in the FA Cup if only they hadn't been beaten by Bradford City in the last round. Mills was training in the Channel Four show when her mechanical foot broke. A second one had to be found at short notice from a local man with size twelve feet. Which, to be fair, was fucking hilarious.
Ofcom will not be investigating a number of crass whinges it received about Rita Ora's cleavage when she wore a 'plunging' top on The ONE Show. Because, at least in theory, it has far more important things to do with its time than deal with utter trivial nonsense like that. Following the singer's appearance on the early evening magazine show on 5 January alongside her fellow The Voice coaches, Ofcom received thirty three whinges from viewers, who claimed that the outfit breached Ofcom's 'generally accepted standards' guideline. Ofcom has confirmed in its latest broadcast bulletin that it will not investigate the complaints further, writing: 'After careful assessment, Ofcom has decided not to pursue [the complaints] because they did not raise issues warranting investigation.' Which, appears to be a long-winded way of telling the wingers to grow the fek up and quit whinging. Tragically, they chose not to name and shame the thirty three individuals who felt that this was an issue that anyone, actually, gave a monkey's about. The BBC received a further four hundred and twenty four crass whinges from viewers about Ora's outfit, with many of these stating that it was 'inappropriate' for the time the programme was broadcast. The BBC responded by saying: 'The ONE Show allows guests to choose their own attire and pop stars often opt for something glamorous or striking. We didn't feel that Rita's outfit would be outside of most viewers' expectations of that of a major pop star, but we appreciate that tastes vary.'
Stephen Mulhern has said that ITV's Get Your Act Together hasn't got the reaction he wanted. Because it's shit, basically. Speaking to the Digital Spy website about ITV's latest crass, pointless z-list celebrity show, the presenter said that he would want to present a second series if one were to be commissioned. Which, hopefully, it won't be.
Convicted perjurer Jeffrey Archier, his 'fragrant' wife, Mary and their son, James, have settled their phone-hacking claims against the former publisher of the Scum of the World. The former Tory MP, author and convicted perjurer, his scientist wife and businessman son had decided to accept News Group Newspapers' offer of substantial undisclosed damages, the payment of their legal costs and an unqualified apology, said Hugh Tomlinson QC at London's high court. He told Mr Justice Mann that they had brought proceedings against NGN for misuse of private information, breach of confidence and harassment. None of the Archers were in court to hear the verdict. Tomlinson said that Archer - well known for his champagne and shepherd's pie parties (and his jail sentence, of course) - was 'of long-term interest' to NGN and was the subject of 'numerous articles' in the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World over many years. His wife and son were 'of interest' as a source of information about him. 'The defendant, over a considerable period, sought to obtain private information concerning the claimants by using the services of private investigators. The evidence has indicated that the claimants were of long-term continuing interest to the defendant. In or around June 2011, the claimants were contacted by officers at Operation Weeting. They were shocked and distressed by the discovery that private and confidential information relating to them had been located within documents relating to the police investigation into phone-hacking at the News of the World.' He added that NGN had undertaken to the court not to access their voicemail messages, not to access or attempt to access their private information by unlawful means and not knowingly to publish information obtained by unlawfully accessing voicemail messages left for or by them. Antony White QC, for NGN, said that it offered its 'sincere' apologies for the damage and distress caused by accessing their voicemail, obtaining confidential information and having put Archer under surveillance. 'The defendant acknowledges that the information should never have been obtained in the manner it was and that the defendant is liable for misuse of private information and breach of confidence.'

Kevin Pietersen has agreed to be part of the BBC's radio coverage for the Cricket World Cup, with the former England batsman set to feature on Test Match Special from the quarter-finals onwards. Pietersen, who recently appeared for the Melbourne Stars at the Big Bash League, has been lined-up by the corporation to be a guest summariser after being left out of England's World Cup squad last month. 'I'm really looking forward to working with the Test Match Special team at the World Cup,' said Pietersen. 'I really enjoyed having a go at some commentary during the Big Bash and it will be good to return to Australia for the climax of what should be a really exciting tournament.' The BBC's head of radio sport, Richard Burgess, added: 'This is an ambitious year for cricket on BBC radio – with 5live leading the way with its biggest ever offer. We'll also have extensive online coverage including the introduction of cricket alerts on mobile so you'll always know when the latest wicket has fallen. Of course, it is the expert voices of our Test Match Special team who will be at the heart of our cross-platform offering including the likes of Jonathan Agnew, Geoffrey Boycott, Michael Vaughan, Phil Tufnell, Henry Blofeld, Ed Smith, Alison Mitchell and Isa Guha. I'd also like to welcome Kevin Pietersen to the fold for the Cricket World Cup and look forward to hearing him on TMS.'

ITV's This Morning has sparked a string of complaints from viewers with a segment on 'bondage for beginners'. The section – inspired by the upcoming Fifty Shades Of Grey movie – offered advice on sex toys and showed half-naked models cavorting on a bed in the background. Self-styled 'sex expert' Annabelle Knight talked Phillip Schofield and co-host The Curiously Orange Christine Bleakley through a selection of toys including blindfolds, a feather 'tickler' and a vibrating 'body wand.'Schofield looked every bit as embarrassed as if someone had suggested that his historic relationship with Gordon the Gopher had been inappropriate when he warned 'sensitive' viewers about the upcoming piece, saying 'it will be done in good taste', as that witless flibbertigibbet, greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Bleakley tried,  wholly unsuccessfully, to stifle her inane giggling. Schofield then appeared somewhat tongue-tied as footage of models writhing on a bed was shown. Asked about his views on a satin eye mask, he said: 'Sorry, I was just watching the VT then – I got a bit distracted.' The show then featured 'intermediate' and 'advanced' sections featuring whips, vibrators and nipple clamps. Bleakley again, proved to be about as professional something which isn't professional in the slightest, sniggering like a gormless plank after being handed a pair of nipple clamps and adding 'I'll try them later.' Oh, if only she would. On her mouth. Inevitably, some viewers got rather stroppy over the timing of the segment, shown at 10.30am when children may have been watching. Although, those that were would have been playing the wag from school. An Ofcom spokesman said that it has received seventy four complaints from viewers and is currently assessing these before deciding whether to investigate.
Hello, hello, he's back (in jail) again. Convicted kiddie-fiddler and disgraceful old shite Gary Glitter has been found extremely guilty of historical sex abuse against three young girls between 1975 and 1980. The seventy-year-old former singer - real name, Paul Gadd - was very convicted of attempted rape, four counts of indecent assault and one of having sex with a girl under the age of thirteen. Glitter, who denied all charges, was acquitted of three other counts at Southwark Crown Court. He was remanded in custody and will be up a'fore the beak for sentencing on 27 February. He could face a maximum of life in the pokey for the offence of having sex with an under age girl. The court heard that one victim was under the age of ten when Glitter tried to rape her in 1975. She said that the singer had crept into her bed as she slept and that, afterwards, she had felt 'ashamed and dirty' by the experience. As, indeed, does this blogger who has half a dozen of the bloke's singles in his collection. The girl only managed to escape Glitter's sick advances by 'moving away' and then wrapping herself in sheets and blankets. The victim told the jury that she had been to Glitter's mansion 'a number of times' as a child and that after the attack, a drunken Glitter had fallen asleep in the bed while she locked herself in a bathroom. Glitter also attacked two other girls, aged twelve and thirteen, after inviting them backstage to his dressing room. During the BBC News's coverage of the case on Thursday evening after the verdict has been announced, a number of Glitter's 1970s hits were - briefly - featured in the piece; one should, perhaps, be thankful that this is probably the last time you're ever likely to hear his very unfortunately-named 1972 single 'Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Oh Yeah!)' anywhere in public. Glitter - who once declared that he was 'the man who put the "bang" in "gang"' - had claimed throughout the trial that he could not have abused the girls in question because he had been 'cleaning his wig' at the time. That's not a euphemism for anything just in case you were wondering. The jury, seemingly, didn't believe a single word of such a load of old cock and bull nonsense and delivered very guilty verdicts. Glitter was cleared of two counts of indecent assault and one count of administering 'a drug or other thing' in order to facilitate sexual intercourse. The jury of seven women and five men had been considering their verdicts since Wednesday. Detective Chief Inspector Mick Orchard of the Metropolitan Police said Glitter had 'shown himself to be a sexual predator who took advantage of the star status afforded to him by targeting young girls who trusted him and were in awe of his fame.' Orchard added that Glitter's 'lack of remorse and defence that the victims were lying make his crimes all the more indefensible.' Glitter, the first person to be arrested as part of Operation Yewtree, had previously been extremely jailed for four months in 1999 after admitting possessing thousands of images of child pornography on his computer. After serving his bird, and appearing contrite as her appeared before the press, he then fled to Cambodia but was permanently expelled from the country in 2002, though no specific reason was given for his deportation to Viet'nam. In 2006 Glitter was convicted for molesting two Viet'namese girls aged eleven and twelve and other assorted bad naughtiness and jailed for three years. His sentence was later reduced by three months and he returned to Britain in August 2008 having been refused entry to Australia. Peter Watt, the director of national services for the NSPCC, said: 'Glitter was devious and manipulative throughout this trial. Thankfully the jury has seen through all the fake tears and his attempts to paint his victims as liars, gold diggers or opportunistic fantasists. He tried to portray himself as the victim in this case, as a remorseful, penitent man who had paid for his previous crimes but now faced malicious new allegations. It was just another performance. His previous convictions, including those for possession of more than four thousand indecent images of children and sexual assaults in Viet'nam, were indicative of a predatory sexual interest in children spanning decades.' Mark Castle, chief executive of the charity Victim Support, said: 'We hope this verdict will encourage people who have been sexually abused to speak out or seek help. Unless they have confidence in the criminal justice system, abusers like Paul Gadd will not be brought to justice.'
      Remember him this way, dear blog reader. Spending the twilight years of his wretched life behind bars for his sick and sordid crimes.
Meanwhile, convicted paedophile Rolf Harris has been interviewed under caution by police investigating further sex offences. Scotland Yard said that an eighty four-year-old was questioned at a police station in Stafford. He was questioned by detectives from Operation Yewtree, the investigation into sexual abuse allegations that have arisen since the death of dirty old scallywag and right rotten rotter Jimmy Savile. Harris was very jailed in July for over five years for twelve indecent assaults against four girls. He was interviewed under caution on Tuesday and Wednesday. Several well-known public figures have been jailed following trials brought under the Yewtree investigations. Full of his own importance PR figure Max Clifford and former BBC radio presenter Chris Denning were both successfully prosecuted. Ex-BBC Radio 1 host and self-styled 'hairy cornflake' Dave Lee Travis was given a suspended sentence for indecent assault following a similar investigation.

They are two of every TV news correspondent's worst nightmares: inclement weather and cheeky passers-by. So when the two combined, BBC News reporter Peter Henley could have been forgiven for being a little ruffled. Henley was reporting live for the BBC News channel on the upcoming election in Eastleigh, when an opportunistic local youth took one look at the sitting duck journalist, doing a piece-to-camera, took aim and landed a snowball on him. Instead of knocking Henley off his stride however, the snowball assault raised not even a flinch, with the BBC South Today political editor praised for remaining 'cool as a cucumber' throughout the ordeal. News on whether the cheeky young scamp what threw the snowball has been nabbed by the rozzers, given a good kicking down the station and prosecuted for his wicked crimes is not, at this time, known.
The producers of a popular television soap in Angola have apologised after an episode which showed a gay couple kissing caused outrage among viewers. State television said that it had suspended broadcasts of Jikulumessu for 'technical reasons.' Bloody hell, Channel Four thought they had it bad after that episode of Brookside. 'Many' viewers - sick homophobes, in other words - felt that the programme 'went too far' by showing two men kissing, although homosexuality in and of itself is not illegal in Angola. The programme was produced by a firm owned by the president's son. Jose Eduardo Paulino dos Santos, a leading artist better known by his stage-name Coreon Du, has been accused of promoting homosexuality in Angola, where many people - again, just to repeat, sick homophobes - hold 'conservative' religious and social values. His firm, Semba Productions, said that it was 'reviewing' the programme and it apologised for any offence caused. Jikulumessu has tackled socially sensitive issues, including polygamy, homosexuality and prostitution, with the aim of promoting dialogue and tolerance, it said in a statement. The programme was shown daily on prime-time television until broadcasts were suspended on Monday night. It was the second Angolan soap to feature prominent gay and lesbian characters but this was the first time a homosexual kiss had been aired.

A Japanese broadcaster has apologised to the family of a twelve-year-old singer, who was left in a coma after inhaling helium for a TV show. The girl, a member of the pop group 3B Junior, was taking part in a game which involved changing her voice when she fell unconscious on 28 January. It is thought that she suffered an air embolism, restricting the blood supply to her brain. She has not been named. As of Thursday, the girl has regained consciousness, Japan Today reported. However, she only has limited movement and cannot yet speak clearly. 3B Junior comprises more than twenty singers, all aged between ten and sixteen. A statement on their official website, said that the band were 'praying for a quick recovery' for their co-star. 'Our heart hurts,' it continued. 'We are very sorry about the accident.' Speaking to the press on Wednesday, executives from TV Asahi apologised to the girl and her family. They said that the canister from which she had inhaled the gas was marked 'for adult use only', but producers had 'overlooked' the warning. Managing director Toru Takeda said that he had delayed announcing the accident to the public because he expected the singer to make an earlier recovery. He only revealed the information after doctors saw signs of improvement, and he sought the blessing of the girl's parents first. TV Asahi added that an internal investigation would be conducted into the case. Local media have reported that police will also look into it. Takeda said that the TV show, entitled 3B Junior Stardust Shoji, was originally scheduled for broadcast on 24 February but may now be discontinued. Although inhaling helium from balloons is a common parlour trick, it can prove fatal. 'Apart from a high-pitched voice, potential health effects of helium are dizziness, headache and suffocation,' says advice published by the UK's Public Health Agency. 'Should anyone experience ill effects from inhaling helium, the advice is to get the person to breathe in fresh air immediately. If symptoms persist oxygen may need to be administered, so get medical help urgently.'

When it was announced that David Tennant was to make his début on the long-running Radio 4 panel show Just A Minute, host Nicholas Parsons said he thought the Doctor Who and Broadchurch actor an national heartthrob would 'do well.' Parsons waxed lyrical about Tennant's 'natural delivery', which he said would help him compete in the tricky contest in which the object is to talk on a given subject for sixty seconds without 'repetition, deviation or hesitation.' Well, it seems that Nicholas may have underestimated David's brilliance. In his first attempt, alongside experienced Just A Minute hands Paul Merton, Julian Clary and Stephen Fry, he smashed it according to the Radio Times. David managed to speak perfectly on the subject of Shakespeare's famous stage direction from The Winter's Tale'Exit, Pursued by a Bear' in his first attempt, much to the delight of the studio audience. Although, he did say 'perhaps' twice and nobody buzzed him for repetition. He'd've never gotten away with that in Derek Nimmo's days! In the show, which will be broadcast on Radio 4 on Monday 9 February, David said at the end of the perfect round: 'Can I leave now before I ruin my record?'
One additional thing: He could've done with having a shave before the recording. I mean, this blogger realises it's only radio and all that but still, come on David, make a bloody effort, you look like a scruff, man.

Members of Pope Francis' sex abuse commission have criticised his remarks that it is acceptable for parents to spank their children, saying that there is no place for physical discipline and that the panel would make recommendations to him about protecting kids from all forms of corporal punishment. Unless it's between consenting adults and in the privacy of their own home. In which case, it's fine and the law can't touch you for it. Anyway ... the commission met with its full seventeen members for the first time this week and announced 'progress' Saturday on drafting policies to hold bishops accountable when they cover up for paedophile priests. It will also be organising seminars for Vatican officials on protecting children. But, they got an unexpected and urgent new task when Francis told a weekly general audience that it was 'permissible' for parents to give their children a good hiding so long as their 'dignity was respected.' What that means. Member Peter Saunders said: 'You don't hit kids.'

The filming of movie action sequences has been restricted by authorities in Paris following last month's terrorist attacks in the French capital. 'There's a problem with these action-type scenes, as the actors in uniform could be targets for terrorists,' said police commander Sylvie Barnaud. 'Also, the actors could pose confusion for the general public - during this highly sensitive period.' She said the use of fake weapons and pyrotechnic effects were also banned. Tensions remain high following the attacks in January which left twenty people dead, including three gunmen. Armed police and soldiers continue to guard sensitive sites, including synagogues, media offices and large shopping areas. Commander Barnaud said that she 'did not know' how long the filming ban could last, but added it was common sense: 'I was shocked to hear witnesses of the Charlie Hebdo attacks say on television "it seemed like a movie shoot to us."' Paris is a popular destination for film-makers, with its wide boulevards and dramatic landmarks such as the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre pyramid. Official statistics provided by city authorities showed there were nine hundred and thirty film and TV shoots in Paris last year, including approximately twenty international productions. Recent box office hits which were filmed in the French capital include the Tom Cruise thriller Edge Of Tomorrow, Luc Besson's Lucy - starring Scarlett Johansson - and the first Taken film. Matt Damon's visceral car chase in his 2002 film The Bourne Identity remains among the city's most memorable action sequences, as is a similar lengthy chase sequence in 1998's Ronin. Agnes Nageotte of the Cinema Mission said the restrictions 'could have an impact on the big American productions. It's not the right moment to do it - even if Steven Spielberg wanted to film a big scene with police and a shoot-out in the streets in January, I'm sure it would not have got made,' she said. But Olivier-Rene Veillon, who heads the Ile de France Film Commission, told the New York Times, there was 'no impact on current productions', adding it was 'a quiet period' and the ban was 'perfectly manageable.'

Those who spread racial hatred online could be given 'Internet Asbos' banning them from sites such as Twitter and Facebook, under proposals to crack down on a 'disturbing rise in anti-Semitism' in the UK suggest MPs. And, for once that group of disgracefully self-interested pond scum are absolutely correct. Thus proving that, like a broken clock, everyone can be right at least twice a day if they try hard enough. The All-Party Parliamentary inquiry into anti-Semitism wants prosecutors to examine if prevention orders like those used to restrict sex offenders' Internet access could be used. The cross-party group also highlighted the use of sickening anti-Semitic terms online. The report said: 'Given the scale of social media content produced on a daily let alone minute by minute basis, we have some, albeit limited, sympathy for the companies that are responsible for hosting it. Whilst there is rightly an expectation on those companies to act as there is on government, police and prosecuting authorities, so too civil society has a crucial role to play.' Last week, a Community Security Trust report said anti-Semitic incidents in Britain had, appallingly, more than doubled to eleven hundred and sixyt eight in 2014. The trust - which monitors anti-Semitism in Britain - claims that this was its highest figure recorded since it began work in 1984. The Parliamentary inquiry was set up following a rise in incidents in July and August last year during fighting between Gaza and Israel. The MPs said that social media platforms had 'increasingly been used for the spread of anti-Semitism.' Their report suggested that the terms 'Hitler' and 'Holocaust' were among the top thirty five phrases used on Twitter during that period. Although, to be fair, a statement like 'hey, that Hitler, he was a right a bad'un, wasn't he? I mean, look at the Holocaust, for example' would qualify for inclusion in this statistic. As, indeed, would this blog's use of the two words just now in reporting this news. So, not every use of the words in question means that the user is a card-carrying member of the National Socialist Party. Just, you know, for a bit of balance here. A Populus poll accompanying the report also suggested a third of Britons - thirty seven per cent - believed the problem of anti-Semitism has got worse in the last decade.

According to that always reliable bastion of true and accurate reportage the Lies On Sunday, Mike Ashley wants to install Hapless Harry Redknapp as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies manager after Redknapp recovers from knee surgery. Christ, one hopes not.
For those who are wondering, for some reason that is not immediately apparently, Feedjit's live traffic map appears to have, ahem, disappeared from this blog (and, indeed, from many others) over the last week. So, whilst investigations into what's up with it continue, for those who are missing it and are desperate to know where From The North's readers are coming from, here's an recent update.
As in the past, we're still eagerly looking for some dear blog readers in Liechtenstein, the Federated States of Micronesia, Chad, Uzbekistan, Somalia, Tuvalu (and, indeed, most of the South Pacific islands), Greenland and the Falklands Islands. Among others. Come on guys, use your browsers wisely. Or, you know, if you haven't got any browsers, the trick is to bang the rocks together.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, we have a tasty little mod classic from just about the best thing to come out of Manchester in the 1960s (apart, perhaps, from Georgie Best).

Can you remember the exact moment when football began to lose its soul, dear blog reader? For yer actual Keith Telly Topping it occurred at some point in the mid-afternoon of 12 May 1990, the date of that year's FA Cup Final. For those who don't remember, the final itself was actually a terrific game between The Scum and Crystal Palace which ended in a 3-3 draw, but they day had already been soured by events from an hour or so earlier. (The Scum won the subsequent replay 1-0 a few days later.) In those days the Cup Final was still a jolly big deal and was covered extensively by both BBC1 and ITV. During the course of the BBC's six hour coverage, an interview took place between the late Tony Gubba and Crystal Palace's then owner the, now also late, Ron Noades. I dare say there will be quite a few younger dear blog readers who won't even know who Noades was so, for you, a brief history lesson. Noades was a millionaire had made his money in developing golf courses before getting involved in football and becoming owner, firstly, of Wimbledon and then of the Palace (and, later, Brentford). He was, in those days, something of a controversial figure, one of the first of a new breed of maverick, media-savvy, full-of-their-own-importance owner-chairman who seemed to relish the limelight in a way that the dull grey boardroom men of previous generations never had and were to be found getting their boat-races on telly as often, if not more often, than the managers they employed. Of course, these days, where our clubs are often owned by a series of shady figures - floggers of mucky books or dodgy sports gear, or Russian oligarchs who used to be in the KGB, Arab oil billionaires and American absentee landlords - a figure like Ron seems rather tame by comparison. But, nevertheless, in 1990, he was known for his outspoken pontificating on all manner of subjects in front of the cameras and, thus, the Beeb felt an interview with him during the course of Cup Final Grandstand would be value for money. During the interview, Gubba asked Noades a fairly straightforward question about how the Palace owner responded to criticism of the way in which he ran the club from the supporters who, after all, paid their money through the turnstiles. Didn't they deserve a say in the way in which their money was being spent? Noades's reply is etched onto this blogger's memory: 'Gone are the days,' he began, 'where supporters can makes those sort of demands of chairmen because they pay the players' wages.' He went on to explain that match day receipts now only accounted for less than half of the income which a football club depended upon (I believe the figure he actually quoted was forty five per cent, the rest being made up with external merchandising, sponsorship and other commercial activities). Now, remember, this is 1990, two full years before the first Sky TV deal was done which would make that situation a million times worse over the course of the next two decades. This blogger can remember being astounded by what Noades was saying; effectively suggesting that paying football supporters were perceived to be less important by those who ran their clubs than the number of replica shirts they could sell in the Far East. You might well be right, Ron, yer actual Keith Telly Topping thought, but I'll tell you what, I'll bet you and all of the other wideboys that run our clubs would, collectively, shite in your own pants and run an effing mile if, next Saturday, no one turned up at any football ground in this country. Of course, that will never happen, our fandom ultimately works against us in this regard. But, that was the first moment where the mask, momentarily, slipped and many football fans realised the true level of utter contempt with which they, as consumers, were held by those in charge of this game we all love.

This blogger mentions all of this because, as you may have read elsewhere, Sky Sports and BT Sport have won the latest batch of television rights for the Premier League from 2016 to 2019. The deal covers the rights to show one hundred and sixty eight games per season and is worth a total of £5.136 billion. Yes, dear blog reader, you read that figure correctly - over five billion smackers which, is the gross national debt of several third countries. Somebody's got their greed right on, good proper. The previous deal had fourteen fewer games, with Sky paying £2.3bn for one hundred and sixteen matches and BT paying seven hundred and thirty eight million knicker for thirty eight games per season. The new contract will see Sky paying £4.176bn, with BT paying nine hundred and sixty million notes. This equals three hundred and twenty million smackers per season for BT, compared to two hundred and forty six million at present. Sky's deal of £1.392bn per year is eighty three per cent up from what they paid for the current deal. 'This outcome provides a degree of certainty so clubs can continue to invest and run themselves in a sustainable manner; it also allows us to start planning how the Premier League can continue to support the rest of the football pyramid from the grassroots upwards,' claimed the Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore, as greedy disgusting Capitalist slavver dripped from his lips. 'This structure also allows us to strike a balance between match-attending fans and those who choose to watch on television. Keeping grounds full is a priority for the Premier League and our clubs, and I am sure the flexible ticketing policies that have helped keep attendances so high will continue to develop. Although we have had a successful outcome for this process, following on from the highlights' award, there is still the ongoing Ofcom investigation to be concluded. We remain confident that the Premier League's live UK broadcasting rights are sold in a way that is compatible with both UK and EU competition law as well as being of great benefit to the whole of English football.' Scudamore added that the five billion quid deal is 'not obscene.' Although, some might argued if it isn't then what, exactly, is obscene? Scudamore told BBC Sport that the size of the deal was 'a consequence' of what the fans want. 'it's market forces,' he said like a good Thatcherite when asked how the deal was justifiable in an era of supposed austerity. 'There is a product that people want to watch. First of all, first priority, keep the stadia full. Then make sure people want to watch and people want to view - and you're seeing the product of that today.' But, perhaps we shouldn't be surprised in all this naked greed. After all, football didn't lose it soul just this last week, it's a process which has been ongoing for twenty five years.
Filming on the BBC's Sherlock special has concluded according to the episode's director, Douglas MacKinnon. Doug posted a photo of a clapperbroad with the words 'Sherlock shoot done' on his Facebook page earlier this week. The episode - which is rumoured to be based, at least in part, on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's classic Sherlock Holmes Christmas short story The Adventure Of The Blue Carbuncle - is likely to be shown at some time around Christmas 2015 although the exact scheduled date is, as yet, unknown.
And, on a related noted, filming has started on the second block of episodes for the next series of Doctor Who, helmed by Blink director Hettie MacDonald.
The big Doctor Who event of the year - well, apart from the return of the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama itself for series nine later in the year - occurred this past weekend in Los Angeles with the Twenty Sixth annual Gallifrey One convention. And, unlike last year, yer actual Keith Telly Topping was unable to attend. Due to, you know, stuff. Unlike the majority of his closest fandom pals who were very much in attendance. So, that was nice. For them. That's sarcasm, just in case you were wondering, dear blog reader. Ah well, there's always next year.

It was the most anticipated drama return of the year, but even Broadchurch's second series could not stop ITV from slumping to its worst consolidated January ratings on record. The main ITV channel had just a 14.4 per cent share of the available audience across the whole of the month, hit by a string of spectacular prime-time weekend flops including Get Your Shit Together, Planet's Got Toilets and Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes. Broadchurch has, thus far, failed to reprise either the critical acclaim or audiences of its first series and another big ITV drama, Mr Selfridge, has also seen a large percentage of its audience drift away for its current third series. ITV’s woes have been compounded by a run of poorly received factual shows, including The Wonder Of Britain, the first ITV series fronted by former Countryfile presenter Julia Bradbury, which was pulled from its mid-evening slot last month after just two episodes. It is ITV's lowest January share of the audience since at least the turn of the century and, given the fragmentation of viewing over the last twenty years, almost certainly an all-time low. ITV's share of viewing across its portfolio of channels was also its lowest since at least 2002. Its share including ITV2, ITV3 and ITV4 and its recently launched sister networks, entertainment and lifestyle channel ITVBe and premium drama channel ITV Encore, had a combined 20.5 per cent share of viewing in January, according to figures revealed this week by the Gruniad Morning Star. BBC1 had a 23.1 per cent share in January, giving it an 8.6 per cent lead over ITV. This represents BBC1's biggest ever advantage over ITV apart from the exceptional summer months of the London Olympics in 2012 when ITV dropped to its lowest ever audience share of 11.3 per cent. The audience share for ITV's main channel dropped below ten per cent on six days in January 2015, including all five Saturdays and one Sunday (25 January), with its lowest all-day share being a risible 7.9 per cent on Saturday 17 January. ITV has found itself up against a strong weekend performance by BBC1, bolstered by the return of The Voice on Saturday and a trio of big-rating BBC1 shows on Sunday: Countryfile, Antiques Roadshow and Call The Midwife as well as dramas like Last Tango In Halifax and comedy in the shape of Still Open All Hours. ITV has struggled to fill the void left by Twatting About On Ice - now, there's a sentence yer actual Keith Telly Topping never thought he'd find himself writing - which was broadcast for the last time on the channel around this time last year and, despite being composed entirely of horseshit, regularly pulled in consolidated audiences of six million viewers or more. But its new weekend line-up, including Harry Hill's hilariously disastrous reboot of Stars In Their Eyes, Stephen Mulhern wretched alleged 'talent' show Get Your Shit Together and another new format, Planet's Got Toilets, have been nothing short of ratings disasters, pulling in consolidated audiences of little more than two million viewers each. ITV had looked to an expensively acquired Israeli talent format, Rising Star, to air on Saturday nights but the show was dropped in a blaze of publicity before it had even been made after poor ratings performances for the format in the US and Germany. Broadchurch started strongly for the channel on Monday nights but has failed to repeat the success of its first series, while the third run of Mr Selfridge, starring Jeremy Piven, launched with fewer than six million viewers against more than nine million for its first run. Laughless, horrible sitcom Birds Of A Feather - in direct contrast to the BBC's comedy revival of Still Open All Hours - has also seen a huge, and very satisfying, drop in audience. Elsewhere, the first three weeks of the new daytime show fronted by Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins averaged fewer than a million viewers, failing to repeat the ratings magic of their BBC1 show, The Great British Bake Off. Many of ITV's factual programmes have struggled in the 9pm slot, including The Wonder Of Britain and Bring Back Borstal. Tuesday night's documentary at 9pm on ITV, Young War Widows, about three women whose husbands died in Afghanistan, had less than a million overnight viewers – a 5.2 per cent audience share. Although such a topic - worthy as it is - was never likely to attract a huge audience, it nevertheless was ranked seventh behind all the other main channels as well as ITV3's Midsomer Murders repeat and BT Sport's coverage of yer actual Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws' 3-2 Premier League win over Stottingtot Hotshots, which had 1.3 million viewers. Broadchurch and Mr Selfridge remain two of the channel's biggest shows outside of ITV's big-hitting soaps, Coronation Street and Emmerdale. Broadchurch's consolidated audience, including people who record it and watch it in the subsequent seven days, has been around seven to eight million, with Mr Selfridge watched by a consolidated audience of approximately five million viewers. The only good news on the immediate horizon for ITV is the forthcoming return of Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. The popular light entertainment show's twelfth series will begin on 21 February.
Meanwhile, ITV has also confirmed that one of their finest ever examples of crass, ignorant, dumbed-down lowest common denominator shite in the history of that sub-genre, Love Island, is to return to our screens. Well, that's, clearly, the answer to all of ITV's problems. The banal, wretched, worthless reality format was originally produced - as Celebrity Love Island - between 2005 and 2006. The new series will be broadcast on ITV2 (no surprise there) and aims to match members of the public instead of celebrities.

Actually, the worst may be over for ITV as Broadchurch regained more than a million overnight viewers on Monday of this week. The latest episode of the ITV crime drama's second series, which had been struggling badly opposite the BBC's Silent Witness of late, was the most watched programme of the evening with 5.86m at 9pm. Earlier, Richard Wilson On The Road interested 2.71m at 8pm. BBC1's Inside Out appealed to 3.77m at 7.30pm, before a well-trailed Panorama about allegedly dodgy tax doings at HSBC allegedly averaged 2.7m at 8.30pm and a New Tricks repeat had 3.17m at 9pm. On BBC2, University Challenge brought in 2.86m at 8pm, while Only Connect had an audience of 2.16m at 8.30pm. A Cook Abroad was watched by 1.6m at 9pm. Odious Unfunny Lanky Streak of Pale & Worthless Rancid Piss Jack Whitehall's Backchat failed to entertain eight hundred and fifty thousand glakes at 10pm. Serves them right for watching such rank tripe. Channel Four's The Jump ended with a muffled splat and 1.73m at 8pm. Later, Heston's Recipe for Romance was watched by eight hundred and thirty thousand at 9pm, while Catastrophe continued with four hundred and eighty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Police Interceptors was watched by 1.13m at 8pm. Benefits Britain: Life On The Dole brought in two million punters at 9pm, and Ten Thousand BC continued with nine hundred and fifty eight thousand at 10pm.

BBC1's The Gift topped the ratings on Tuesday, according to overnight figures. The new series - which follows Matt Baker and Mel Giedroyc as they meet people who missed their opportunities to say sorry or thank you to others - was watched by 3.6m at 9pm. The fact that such a low figure was the highest-rated overnight figure of the evening will probably give dear blog readers some idea of what a thoroughly shocking night of telly it was all round. Later, Count Arthur Strong amused 1.44m at 10.45pm. BBC2's Antiques Road Trip appealed to 1.6m at 7pm, before Alex Polizzi: The Fixer averaged 1.86m at 8pm and Inside The Commons brought in 1.59m at 9pm. It was yet another truly horrible night for ITV where River Monsters was watched by a mere 1.7m at 7.30pm, while Bad Builders: Bang To Rights attracted but 1.92m at 8pm. Even worse, as previously mentioned, Young War Widows couldn't even break the one million mark, having an overnight audience of just nine hundred and eighty eight thousand at 9pm. Channel Four, by contrast, had a rather good night - beating ITV in both the 8pm and 9pm hours: The Secret Life Of Four-Year-Olds drew 2.27m at 8pm, before Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody appealed to 1.42m at 9pm. Kid Criminalsi was watched by 1.13m at 10pm. Channel Five's Benidorm ER brought in eight hundred and ninety seven thousand punters at 8pm, followed by an episode of Killer Psychopaths about the serial killer Joanna Dennehy with 1.16m at 9pm. Later, Ten Thousand BC continued with six hundred and eighty four thousand at 10pm.

The Great Comic Relief Bake Off topped the overnight ratings on Wednesday. The first episode of the series - which saw Jennifer Saunders named Star Baker - brought in 6.41m for BBC1 at 8pm. Can You Cure My Cancer? interested 1.97m at 9pm, before a midweek Match Of The Day averaged 2.26m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip continued with 1.33m at 7pm, while Alaska: Earth's Frozen Kingdom was watched by 1.78m at 8pm. Wolf Hall's fourth episode drew an audience of 2.79m at 9pm. ITV's Midsomer Murders was watched by 4.24m at 8pm. On Channel Four, The Restoration Man appealed to nine hundred and forty thousand at 8pm. Twenty Four Hours in A&E interested 1.99m at 9pm, while Bodyshockers continued with 1.21m at 10pm. GPs: Behind Closed Doors brought in nine hundred and sixty six thousand for Channel Five at 8pm, before The Ten Faces Of Michael Jackson attracted nine hundred and forty thousand at 9pm. My Family Disapprove - Age Gap Love was watched by five hundred and sixty one thousand at 10pm.

Wolf Hall could return for a second series on the BBC. Executive producer Colin Callender told the Radio Times that the production team and cast are 'eager' to work on a series based on the third and final instalment of Hilary Mantel's trilogy. Mantel is currently writing The Mirror & The Light, which is expected to be published later in 2015. The current series of Wolf Hall is based on the first two novels of the trilogy. Callender said: 'We are waiting for Hilary to deliver it, but everybody involved felt they were making something of substance. Subject to everybody's schedule I think they will want to come back.'
Death In Paradise stayed top of the overnight ratings on Thursday. The popular BBC1 Caribbean crime drama appears to have survived the departure of Sara Martens as easily as it did that of Ben Miller last year with the majority of its viewership in tact, maintained roughly the same audience level as the previous week's episode with 6.66m at 9pm. Earlier, Eat Well For Less? appealed to 4.72m at 8pm, while Question Time was watched by 2.41m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip continue with 1.66m at 7pm, before The Great British Sewing Bee drew 2.5m at 8pm. Modern Times averaged 1.01m at 9pm. ITV's horrific The Kyle Files was watched by 2.48m at 7.30pm, while the latest - and, hopefully, last - series of Birds Of A Feather concluded with 3.87m at 8.30pm. Car Crash Britain brought in 3.02m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Location, Location, Location gathered 1.41m at 8pm. Cucumber rose slightly week on week to five hundred and sixty thousand viewers at 9pm, while My Tattoo Addiction interested seven hundred and fifty thousand at 10pm. Benefits Britain: Life On The Dole was watched by six hundred and fifty five thousand on Channel Five at 8pm, before Britain's Biggest Primary School had seven hundred and eighty thousand at 9pm. The Mentalist returned for a new series with seven hundred and seventy eight thousand at 10pm. On BBC3, Bangkok Airport brought in six hundred and eighty six thousand at 9pm, while E4's Banana had an audience of one hundred and ninety two thousand. Sky Atlantic's Fortitude lost around two hundred thousand viewers week on week with two hundred and ninety four thousand also at 9pm.

Benidorm was Friday's highest-rated overnight show outside of soaps. The ITV comedy show was seen by an average audience of 4.37 million at 9pm. Elsewhere, ITV secured average ratings of 3.32 million for Barging Round Britain With John Sergeant at 8pm. The ONE Show kicked-off BBC1's evening with 3.9 million at 7pm. It was followed by 3.01 million for A Question Of Sport at 7.30pm and 3.47 million for Room 101 at 8.30pm. BBC1's evening continued with a very disappointing 2.92 million for The Musketeers at 9pm and ended with 3.42 million for The Graham Norton Show at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip was seen by an audience of 1.45 million at 7pm, followed by 2.07 million for Mastermind and 1.51 million for Food & Drink at 8.30pm. Italy Unpacked averaged 1.62 million at 9pm, while a Qi repeat ended the evening with 1.21 million. On Channel Four, Jamie and Jimmy's Friday Night Feast drew 1.23 million at 8pm, followed by 1.72 million for Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown and 1.31 million for The Last Leg. With 1.17 million viewers, last year's two-part NCIS New Orleans sojourn - showed as a prelude to next week's start of the NCIS: New Orleans spin-off was Channel Five's highest-rated show of the night. Ice Road Truckers drew an average audience of seven hundred and ninety nine thousand at 8pm. With an average four hundred and ninety seven thousand, ITV3's 8pm showing of Agatha Christie's Marple was among the highest-rated multichannel shows.

The Voice's blind auditions continued with more than 8.7 million punters on Saturday, according to overnight figures as ITV had yet another Saturday night horroshow. The BBC1 singing competition appealed to 8.76m from 7.15pm, over a million more viewers than the equivalent episode last year. It was followed by The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List and Casualty, which were watched by 4.94m and 4.87m respectively. Earlier Live Six Nations Rugby Union dominated the BBC's afternoon and earlier evening schedules with 4.30m watching England give Italy a damned good twanking and then 4.61m watching Ireland versus France. Match Of The Day with FA Cup highlights ended the evening with 3.01m viewers. BBC2's How We Got To Now with Steven Johnson began with eight hundred and eighty two thousand from 7.35pm. A Dad's Army repeat took 1.61m, before Simon Rattle: The Making Of A Maestro drew seven hundred and sixty one thousand. The Dave Clark Five & Beyond: Glad All Over pulled in a highly respectable nine hundred and ninety thousand from 10.05pm. On ITV, Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes concluded its miserable run with a laughably poor 2.12m from 6.30pm. Hopefully that's the last we shall see of that particular pile of crass, lowest common denominator diarrhoea. Don't let the door hit your arse, hard, on the way out, Harold. Boy, did his act get very old very quickly. Planet's Got Toilets averaged an embarrassing 1.66m with Take Me Out attracting an evening high for the channel of just 3.03m. The Jonathan Ross Show managed but 2.18m from 9.20pm. The channel's opening night of coverage of the Cricket World Cup drew a mere three hundred and thirty thousand. Mind you, that did include England getting a very severe slippering from Australia so, perhaps, such a low audience was to be expected in the circumstances. On Channel Four, The World's Weirdest Weather was watched by 1.17m in the 8pm hour, before The Bourne Legacy drew 1.53m. The latest episode of Channel Five's CSI was watched by nine hundred and thirty two thousand. The multichannels were topped by ITV3's Foyle's War (nine hundred and twenty thousand).

As for yer actual Keith Telly Topping, dear blog reader, his own personal Saturday was absolutely sodding lousy for a variety of reasons. And it had the perfect end when the Stately Telly Topping Manor DVD recorder only went and decided to corrupt the disc containing the second half of series five of Spiral. Taking with it, in the process, not only Saturday night's two climactic episodes but, also, the four episodes from the last two weeks as well. If there'd been any point in this blogger taking out his white-hot impotent and righteous fury on an inanimate object at that moment, he would have thrashed the bastard thing to within an inch of its life. And, then he would have thrashed it some more. But, he'd've only been wasting his energy. Magnifique, as they say in Paris. When they're being ironic in a Gallic way. C'est la vie.
'On my own, I lose touch with reality.' In the event, the final two episodes of Spiral's fifth series brought all of the the necessary resolutions even if, as usual, it ended on something of a cliffhanger; in this case with Laure in hospital, in danger of losing her baby, after a flawed attempt to save completely mad murderess Karen from suicide. That final moment of Gilou weeping like a big soft girlyman for a baby that wasn't even his if the first place will have all Spiral fans anxiously awaiting the sixth series (which will, seemingly, go into production later this year) and wondering about what is and what might have been. Just like the majority of the previous four series, then. Hell, this is Engrenages, dear blog reader, what did you honestly expect? Poor, dog-bitten Kim's hospital confession to Laure revealed what actually happened with Sandrine and Lucie. After Karen and her psycho girl-gang smashed up Sandrine's gaff, she banned them from her home and Karen from seeing Lucie any more. Which made Psycho Karen really rather vexed in a way that you don't want her to be. Therefore, she decided to kidnap Lucie with the help of drugs from her dying father's stash, only for Sandrine to catch her in the act and a deadly fight to ensue. 'Oz wanted to keep Lucie, but we knew it wasn't possible,' Kim told Laure. 'And no one tried to save that little girl? Not even you?' replied the pregnant and hormonal inspector with a look on her face like she wanted to hit somebody, really very hard indeed, at that point.
      Thus, in a series which - whether it directly acknowledged it or not - was all about childhood and parenting came full circle. Witness, for instance, those sub-plots involving Karen's own childhood abuse at the hands of her foster parents and the way she was rejected by her birth mother, her unfulfilled desire to have a relationship with her sister, her - apparently entirely sincere - love for Lucie and her disturbing ability to both care for and about children and, simultaneously, to hurt them for money. Then, there was Laure's own struggle with her pregnancy and Gilou's offer to bring the child up with her in what we presume would turn Spiral into some sort of French version of a 1970s flat-share sitcom (hell, I'd watch it!), Stephane Jaulin's fight to be reunited with little Leo, Tintin's separation from his kids and even Judge Mendy's apparently uncomplicated love for her daughter alluded to in almost every scene that she was in. Due to this constant theme of kids and our responsibility to protect from the worst that the world has to offer being the series' effective leitmotif, the final cliffhanger made complete sense in both a contextual and an emotional way. After an entire twelve episodes of Laure going backwards and forwards on whether she wanted to be a mother or not it was, perhaps, inevitable that in those final moments of the last episode we got a sense that Laure had decided this was something she actually desires in her life. Which was what made the cliffhanger all the more interesting and, at the same time, frustrating. As all cliffhangers can be. As for the other characters, the formerly loathsome Herville -in one of TV's most unexpected changes of character motivation - turned out to have a conscience after all - taking an (off-screen) bullet for Gilou and genuinely supporting Laure in a way that you kind of wish he'd been doing for the last two series. The scene of him drunk and incapable was pretty funny too. Gilou himself was back to his spectacularly blundering best (or, should that be worst?) following Laure's seeming refusal to consider playing And Mother Makes Three games with him (a decision she appeared to almost instantly regret, incidentally). Taking the disastrous decision to getting all jiggy with his informant's girlfriend and being so busy with her texts that he managed to lose the team's most important suspect in the shopping centre whilst trailer her. Then, he got a right good kicking from Djibril for doing the dirty with Cindy after, worst of all, telling Djibril that he was about to be picked up by Brémont's team – thereby destroying one of Spiral's most important props, Laure trusting relationship with Judge Roban. It wasn't only Gilou who took step back to the bad old days, either. Joséphine's also taken a major shuffle back towards T'Dark Side, it would seem. Her ruthlessly betraying the man who rescued her from professional oblivion by using new, blackmailed, powers to vote for him getting the tin-tack as as predictable as it was heart-breaking. That she looked a bit sheepish about selling Edelman down the River Seine was an indication, hopefully, that at least a fraction of her recently acquired post-Pierre integrity remains although, given the deal she accepted from the law firm for helping to push him out the door, one wouldn't count on it. To be fair, it was obvious from day one that Edelman would have done exactly the same to her if the situation had been reversed and her rationalising her actions - 'I need to work or I'll fall apart' - made perfect sense. But, she should know better than anyone that manipulating people into giving you everything you want does, rather, invite them to take advantage of your ruthless ambition (she has, after all, spent four whole series playing on the human weaknesses of others). Hopefully we will see more of the Karlsson and Ziani relationship in the next series. 'And take your hands out of your pockets,' might well have been this blogger's favourite line of dialogue all series, a perfect summation of an awkwardly watchable combination of sexual tension and mutual professional respect mixed with personal loathing.
     Roban discovers that the nosebleeds do not seem to have been anything too serious and with Marianne back at her desk after their emotional reunion in which Roban admitted that without her, he couldn't do his job and Jaulin, properly, reunited with his son, you'd expect Monsieur Le Judge to be, broadly, a far more contented man than he's been for the majority of the series. But, despite Marianne's return, he seems incapable of leaving the Ziani case to lie. While Mendy appeared able to walk away from their defeat at the hands of that duplicitous wretch Marchard, Roban was positively gleeful about Brémont's raid on his garage. And look what that achieved: Laure's apparent betrayal of his trust and Joséphine's apparent betrayal of his trust. In both cases, of course, the ladies Roban presumes to have sold him out are innocent of everything expect trusting the men they work with. So, it wasn't what you'd call a perfect conclusion for Roban either, even if Sandrine and Lucie's murder was, finally, resolved. That, then, was Spiral series five, dear blog reader. Tough, relentless, awkward, violent, wryly amusing, often uncomfortable viewing. But, never less than brilliant.

The Casual Vacancy launched with over six and a half million overnight viewers on Sunday evening. The BBC1 adaptation of JK Rowling's novel was seen by an average audience of 6.61m at 9pm. Call The Midwife continued to top the Sunday ratings, climbing over one hundred thousand viewers week-on-week to 8.95m at 8pm. Earlier, Super Cute Animals appealed to 4.13m at 6pm, followed by Countryfile with 7.61m at 7pm. Match of the Day 2 scored 2.58m with its FA Cup round-up including plucky little Bradford City's 2-0 victory over relegation-haunted Blunderland at 10.35pm. So, another terrific Sunday night for BBC1 and not a bad one for BBC2 either, as Top Gear's latest episode entertained an overnight audience of 5.44 million at 8pm. Much to a chagrin, no doubt, of lots of Middle Class hippy Communist Green Party Gruniad Morning Star readers. Oh dear, how sad, never mind. Later, Dragons' Den gathered 2.51m at 9pm. It was another rotten night for, with Get Your Shit Together hitting a new overnight low of 1.87m at 7pm, followed by Family Fortunes with 2.40m at 8.15pm. Mr Selfridge suffered from The Casual Vacancy's opening, dropped around seven hundred thousand week-on-week to 3.17m at 9pm. It seems a very long time ago when the period drama was regularly pulling in audiences of eight million plus a couple of years ago. On Channel Four, their new drama Indian Summers opened with 2.57m at 9pm. Earlier, The Hotel brought in 1.22m at 7pm, while Auction House was seen by 1.18m at 8pm. Channel Five's showing of War Of The Worlds had an audience of eight hundred and sixty three thousand at 9pm.

One does have to wonder, however, how many of that six-and-a-half million audience will still be watching the second episode of the BBC's new three-part party political broadcast for Labour, The Casual Vacancy. This blogger didn't think much of it, to be frank, and is relieved to discover that he wasn't alone in this, either. Certainly yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite TV reviewer, the Metro's Keith Watson, had a few jolly harsh words for say about the drama: 'You have to wonder if The Casual Vacancy, the story of a Costwold village in turmoil over an election for the parish council, would have been made into a star-studded three-part TV drama without the golden ticket [of] JK Rowling attached,' wrote yer man Watto. 'Actually, you don't have to wonder: obviously, it wouldn't.' He went on to suggest that the drama's impressive cast 'deserve better than The Casual Vacancy's ham-fisted stab at a Dickensian-style dissection of modern rural English society. Neither full-on caricature or credible social realism, it aims at an easy target - the petty-minded bourgeoisie - and misses by a country mile. To make matters worse, the portrayal of the criminal underclass on the grim estate outside the well-to-do village is poverty tourism at its most offensive.'
Here's the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Five programmes for week-ending Sunday 8 February 2015:-
1 Call The Midwife - Sun BBC1 - 10.38m
2 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 9.74m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.96m
4 Death In Paradise - Thurs BBC1 - 8.47m
5 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 8.29m
6 Silent Witness - Mon BBC1 - 8.26m
7 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 7.62m
8 Broadchurch - Mon ITV - 7.57m
9 Rugby: Six Nations - Fri BBC1 - 7.48m
10 Emmerdale - Wed ITV - 7.32m
11 Top Gear - Sun BBC2 - 6.14m
12 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.97m
13 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.50m
14 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 5.49m
15 Eat Well For Less - Thurs BBC1 - 5.37m
16 The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List - Sat BBC1 - 5.27m
17 The British Academy Film Awards - Sun BBC1 - 5.09m
19 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.99m
20 Ten O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 4.91m
21 Midsomer Murders - Wed ITV - 4.82m*
22 The ONE Show - Wed BBC1 - 4.72m
23 Mr Selfridge - Sun ITV - 4.56m*
24 FA Cup: Match Of The Day Live - Wed BBC1 - 4.50m
25 Wolf Hall - Wed BBC2 - 4.13m
These figures do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' also don't include HD figures. Aside from Corrie; Broadchurch, Emmerdale, Midsomer Murders and Mr Selfridge, the only ITV programme of the week to achieve a consolidated audience of more than four million viewers (minus HD figures) was the stinkingly rotten Birds Of A Feather (4.07m) with Benidorm dropping below the four million mark for the first time this series (3.99m). Once again, neither of ITV's most spectacular weekend flops, Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes and Get Your Shit Together, managed consolidated audiences of more than two-and-a-half million punters and neither made ITV's top thirty broadcasts of the week. BBC2, enjoyed another good week. Their highest-rated programmes, apart from Top Gear and Wolf Hall, were University Challenge with 3.07 million, The Great British Sewing Bee (2.93 million) and Dragon's Den (2.83 million). Alaska: Earth's Frozen Kingdom drew 2.62 million, followed by Only Connect (2.47m) and Alex Polizzi: The Fizer (2.22m). Our Guy In India was Channel Four's most watched programme of the week (2.84m), followed by Twenty Four Hours In A&E (2.46m), The Undateables: Two Weddings & A Baby (2.41m) and the final of The Jump (2.17m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were, again, dominated by Celebrity Big Brother, the most watched episode being Thursday's 2.81m. Foyle's War was ITV3's most-watched programme with 1.06m viewers. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved Spiral again drew BBC4's largest audiences of the week (eight hundred and sixty one thousand for the first episode, eight hundred and forty nine thousand for the second), with the excellent Digging For Britain being watched by seven hundred and forty eight thousand and The Mary Rose: A Timewatch Guide attracting seven hundred and fifteen thousand. Storage Hunters on Dave was seen by three hundred and eighty eight thousand. The FOX Channel's latest episode of NCIS's twelfth series had eight hundred and thirty four thousand viewers. The Universal Channel's most watched programme was Major Crimes with one hundred and forty nine thousand. BBC3's weekly largest-rated list was topped by Waterloo Road (six hundred and ninety one thousand). A new episode of Bones was Sky Living's highest-rated show with seven hundred and twenty six thousand viewers. Sky Atlantic's second episode of Fortitude drew 1.26 million viewers on Thursday (the following evening's repeat of the episode added a further two hundred and nine thousand). Sky 1's most watched programme was Hawaii Five-O (eight hundred and eighty nine thousand). Murdoch Mysteries on Alibi drew two hundred and sixty nine thousand viewers.

Figures showing the Live+7 performance of the Doctor Who Christmas Special, Last Christmas are now available. The Live+7 figure is calculated by the BBC to try to get an accurate estimate of the total unique 'reach' audience for an episode of a programme. Unlike official BARB figures the Live+7 uses data to include those who watched one of the broadcast repeats of the episode and those who watched the episode on iPlayer within seven days of the original transmission. Overall the episode had a audience of 9.62 million who watched either on the day of broadcast or within the following seven days. Of that 6.29 million watched overnight on Christmas Day, 0.53 million watched the next day repeat on BBC3, 1.97 million watched a timeshifted recording while 0.83 million watched on iPlayer.
The BBC has responded to crass and whinging complaints it has received regarding its coverage of the BAFTAs last Sunday. A non-specified number of whinging viewers whinged to the broadcaster about the 'strong language' used by presenter Stephen Fry during the ceremony. The BBC replied: 'The BAFTAs is not a BBC event, but during our coverage of the awards ceremony we try to find a compromise between presenting the events of the night as they happened, while remaining within the expectations of the majority of the viewers at home - which saw over five and half million people tuning in to watch. Attitudes to strong language vary enormously and we considered very carefully how to reflect this. Stephen, whose irreverence and style is extremely well-known to viewers, has presented the BAFTAs for several years. Any strong language was used after the watershed and there was a presentation announcement at the start of the programme warning viewers that the broadcast would contain language of this nature. We accept that some viewers disagreed with this approach and this feedback has been noted.' Tragically, the BBC didn't use the opportunity to also tell these whinging bell-end whingers to all go fek themselves into the bargain. An opportunity missed, one could suggest.
Nick Hornby will write a new five-part series for BBC1. Love, Nina is a drama series based on Nina Stibbe's prize-winning book, which features letters she wrote to her sister after moving to London to work as a nanny. It is acclaimed novellist Hornby's first drama for television and will be produced by See-Saw Films who also made Top Of The Lake. 'Love, Nina has already attained the status of a modern classic, and I am so happy that I've been given the opportunity to adapt it,' said Hornby. 'We want to make a series that is as charming, funny and delightful as Nina Stibbe's glorious book.'

Jon Stewart, the host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, will step down later this year. The comedian said it had 'been an absolute privilege' to have been at the helm of the satirical show since 1999. 'This show doesn't deserve an even slightly restless host and neither do you,' Stewart told his audience on Tuesday. Comedy Central president Michele Ganeless paid tribute, saying: 'His comedic brilliance is second to none.' Stewart's show has often been cited as a leading 'news' source for young people, with an average audience of one million viewers. His targets - and his guests - have been politicians and public figures, addressed in tones that are often indignant, or teasing. The Daily Show has also been a launch pad for several well-known comic performers, including Steve Carell and John Oliver, as well as Stephen Colbert. 'I'm going to miss being on television every day,' Stewart said. 'I'm going to miss coming here every day. I love the people here. They're creative and collaborative and kind. It's been the honour of my professional life, and I thank you for watching it, for hate-watching it, whatever reason you are tuning in for.' The host said that he was 'not sure' exactly when he would leave, or what he would do next although rumours that he intends to run for President might appear to be a little far fetched. In 2013, he took time out to direct the film Rosewater. 'I don't have any specific plans,' he said. 'Got a lot of ideas, got a lot of things in my head. I'm going to have dinner on a school night with my family, who I have heard from multiple sources are lovely people.' Asked about the show by The Hollywood Reporter last year, Stewart said: 'Like anything else, you do it long enough, you will take it for granted, or there will be aspects of it that are grinding. I can't say that following the news cycle as closely as we do and trying to convert that into something either joyful or important to us doesn't have its fraught moments.' In an interview with US broadcaster NPR in November, he admitted that he had considered leaving The Daily Show. 'You can't just stay in the same place because it feels like you've built a nice house there, and that's really the thing I struggle with,' he said. 'It is unclear to me. The minute I say I am not going to do it any more, I will miss it like crazy.'

US news anchor Brian Williams has been suspended by his employer, NBC, after he admitted 'giving a misleading account' of coming under fire in Iraq. Or, 'telling lies', in other words. The broadcaster said that Williams would be suspended for six months without pay for his 'inexcusable' actions. Williams, the most-watched network anchor in the US, has often spoken of being shot down in a helicopter whilst reporting in Iraq. However, after veterans disputed his account, he admitted getting his story wrong and blamed the 'fog of memory' for his being economical with the actualité as it were. Last week, he apologised on-air for the lapse. 'I made a mistake in recalling the events of twelve years ago,' he said. 'I want to apologise. I said I was travelling in an aircraft that was hit by RPG fire. I was, instead, in a following aircraft.'NBC News President Deborah Turness said that Williams had 'misrepresented' events. 'It then became clear that, on other occasions, Brian had done the same while telling that story in other venues,' Turness said. 'This was wrong and completely inappropriate for someone in Brian's position.' Williams's apology came after veterans who were on the helicopter which was hit challenged his version of events. One of them, Flight Engineer Lance Reynolds, wrote: 'Sorry dude, I don't remember you being on my aircraft. I do remember you walking up about an hour after we had landed to ask me what had happened.' Last week, Williams said that he was taking himself off-air 'for several days', as it had become 'painfully apparent' he was 'too much a part of the news.' On Tuesday, a statement from Steve Burke, NBC Universal Chief Executive Officer, said Williams had 'jeopardised the trust millions of Americans place in NBC News. His actions are inexcusable and this suspension is severe and appropriate.' NBC is currently conducting a review into what happened and there is reported to be speculation about whether the anchor will ever return to his job, now that his credibility has been so badly damaged. Questions have also been raised about Williams's coverage of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, with one health official challenging a claim that Williams contracted dysentery while reporting on the aftermath.

Veteran CBS News correspondent Bob Simon has been killed in a car accident in New York. In a career spanning five decades, the seventy three-year-old covered many war zones from Viet'nam to the former Yugoslavia. At the end of his stint in Saigon in the 1970s Bob was, reportedly, on one of the last helicopters out of the city. Simon won multiple awards, including twenty seven EMMYs, for his reporting and regularly appeared on the network's flagship programme Sixty Minutes. His last piece, a report about the Oscar-nominated civil rights drama Selma went out on Sixty Minutes last weekend. 'It is a tragedy made worse because we lost him in a car accident, a man who escaped more difficult situations than almost any journalist in modern times', Sixty Minutes executive producer Jeffrey Fagan said. Simon was a passenger in a hired sedan which hit another car stopped at a traffic light and then slammed into metal barriers separating traffic lanes, police said Wednesday. CNN's Anderson Cooper, who worked with Simon on Sixty Minutes said: 'Bob was for the last five decades simply one of the best, in my opinion, at getting a story, telling a story, writing a story and making it simply unforgettable.'

BBC1 has commissioned a new series from Anthony Horowitz. The Foyle's War creator has devised New Blood, a seven-part crime thriller set in contemporary London. The series will follow junior investigators Stefan and Rash, who are brought together by a link between two seemingly unrelated cases. The pair come up against a new breed of rich and powerful criminals protected by the law. Horowitz said of the commission: 'For a long time I've been wondering how to take a fresh approach to crime drama and I hope that with New Blood I've succeeded. This is a show about the so-called "Y Generation"; young people starting out in their careers, the powerless against the powerful. It's so refreshing to be writing about two central characters who are still in their late twenties, and Twenty First Ventury London is the perfect setting.' Charlotte Moore, the Controller of BBC1, said: 'I'm thrilled to welcome Anthony Horowitz back to the BBC. In New Blood he has created a contemporary crime series that will take BBC1 viewers into a modern and complex world that moves the genre into exciting new territory.'New Blood will be produced by Eleventh Hour Films. Casting for the series will be announced in due course.

Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch married his pregnant fiance Sophie Hunter this weekend after a short engagement. The thirty eight-year-old Sherlock actor and theatre director Hunter, thirty six, wed at an undisclosed location in the South of England surrounded by close friends and family on Valentine's Day. Speculation about when the couple would tie the knot had been growing, amid reports that they wished to marry before their illegitimate love child is born. Last month Benny suggested that a wedding was 'a long way off'. Noting that Sherlock recently resumed filming, he said: 'One thing at a time. My main focus is going to be on that.' However, it now appears that his comments were merely designed to avert rumours that the wedding was imminent. The couple have already confirmed that they are expecting the baby some time in the summer. They have appeared on the red carpet together in recent weeks and may yet have to cut a honeymoon short as Benny attends the Oscars to celebrate his role in The Imitation Game.
Professor Brian Cox (no, the other one) is to host new BBC1 show called Forces Of Nature. Whereas Foxy Coxy's previous shows for BBC2 have predominantly focused on aspects of the solar system, the new science programme from The People's Scientist will focus on the wonders of the Earth. The four-part series will explore the relationship between the Earth and the sun's light, analysing phenomenon such as rainbows. Charlotte Moore said: 'Brian Cox will enthuse and inspire audiences in his debut series for BBC1. Revealing some of the most extraordinary phenomena and events on Earth, he will set out to illuminate our understanding of the planet like never before, bringing science to a mainstream audience in a surprising way.' Brian will soon be leading the line-up for the Manchester International Festival 2015. He will write and present The Age Of Starlight, a show about the history of the universe.

The BBC's press office has responded following recent criticism of the corporation by some arsehole pond scum louse of no importance with an agenda at the Sun. The Sun accused the BBC of a 'scandal' for paying 'greedy' MPs to appear on BBC shows, describing the payments as a splurge of public money and 'Beeb's bungs'. Which, given that the Sun is a newspaper which currently has about a dozen of its current and former journalists either on or awaiting trial for, allegedly, making illegal and corrupt payments to public officials for stories some might regard as a classic example of dramatic irony. This blogger, of course, prefers to await the outcome of all of those court cases before passing comment in this regard. The BBC, it should be noted, did not make this fairly straightforward connection in their response to the Sun's comments. Because, by and large, the BBC are far too nice and polite to do any such thing. But, this blogger is not. In a statement on its website, the BBC asserted that MPs are only paid for certain shows, such as documentaries or programmes 'where they're going beyond their usual role as an MP. We could always have an empty seat though,' the statement continued. 'We're sure Sun readers love hearing from MPs - and quite right too - given it too pays MPs to write for it.' Good point. The BBC's statement goes on to thank the Sun for holding it to account and keeping it on its toes, adding: 'We know that deep down, Sun journalists like the BBC as well - that's why they're happy to be paid to contribute to some of our programmes as well.' Another good point. In response to the Sun's accusation that the BBC 'splashed out' on a new senior job, the BBC countered that it has cut the number of senior managers and its pay bill by a third since 2009.

The Tunnel is set to return to Sky Atlantic for a second series. Stephen Dillane and Clémence Poésy will reprise their roles in the drama, which is an Anglo-French adaptation of Scandinavian classic The Bridge. The Tunnel 2: Debris will be broadcast early next year, reuniting detectives Karl Roebuck and Elise Wassermann on a new case which, in this particular case, is not inspired by The Bridge. Ben Richards is returning to write the eight-part sequel, which is co-produced by Sky Atlantic and Canal+ with Kudos and Shine Films France.

The highly anticipated third season of House Of Cards was, briefly, leaked online two weeks ahead of its scheduled release. Nice to know that Doctor Who scripts aren't the only victims of such glakery. For thirty minutes on Wednesday afternoon America got a glimpse of life under the iron fist of Francis Underwood's presidency. But, almost as soon as news began to spread the series was pulled as quickly as the show's Machiavellian lead can destroy a political career. Netflix has denied that the leak was a marketing ploy, telling BBC radio's Newsbeat that it was down to 'a technical glitch.' On Wednesday night eagle-eyed Netflix viewers in America could watch the series online for just under half-an-hour. The entire season was listed, along with episode titles and plot descriptions. Although the mistake was sorted out quickly, some fans on Twitter claimed that they were able to keep streaming episodes which they had begun watching before they were removed.
And, speaking of men who would be king, a planned televised head-to-head between yer actual Jeremy Paxman and Nigel Farage his very self has been shelved after talks between Channel Four and UKiP 'broke down.' A programme was planned to be to broadcast after a documentary-drama imagining the first one hundred days of a UKiP government after the next election. But the idea has now been dropped after Channel Four first cancelled it, before resurrecting it with Jon Snow as the mooted interviewer – only to have UKiP refuse the second invitation as well. In an e-mail to the party, Channel Four's Head of News and Current Affairs, Dorothy Byrne, withdrew the original invitation extended to Farage. Which is such a pity because, let's face it, Farage is seen so infrequently on television.
Meanwhile, some proper good news: On 5 February, NBC officially renewed The Blacklist for a third season.
Basil Brush is moving into the digital age with his first online show. The long-running character will appear in thirty two episodes of The Basil Brush Show on Videojug Network's new comedy channel Quipstar. The new series begins on Monday 16 February. Each episode series will see Basil and his latest human sidekick - Mister Stephen - go on fun-filled adventures. The pair will be seen jet skiing and will also head out on a safari adventure.

Griff Rhys Jones is to bring a new cultural dimension to the quiz show format with a new brainteasing BBC series set in museums. In what is thought to be a television first, the actor, comedian, writer and yachtsman will host The Quizeum in museums around the UK, including the Ashmolean in Oxford and the National Maritime Museum in London. For some rounds of the quiz, the BBC said that artefacts from the institution's own collections will be the subject of the questions and in others the competitors will explore the museum as part of a treasure hunt. Those taking part in the eight-part BBC4 series include Antiques Roadshow regular Lars Tharp, art and cultural historian Doctor Janina Ramirez and author and historian Kate Williams. Others due to appear are broadcaster and historian Dan Cruickshank and former Minister for Security and Counter-Terrorism and First Sea Lord and Chief of the Naval Staff Admiral Lord West. They will be organised into two teams which will compete against each other, but the programme will also feature 'lively discussion' between the experts. Rhys Jones, whose production company Modern Television is making The Quizeum, said: 'There are spectacular treasures in all of our museums. The Quizeum will uncover the stories behind some of the lesser known ones. From Roman penknives to Canalettos, from enamelled reliquaries to model boats, we will be looking for connections, testing history, unearthing startling facts and putting real experts on the spot. And most of all, we're on the road exploring fabulous collections in unexpected places. This is a really exciting series to be involved with – pure joy.' And, presumably, he said it in that curiously unique Griff Rhys Jones style where he starts off talking really fast and then, half way through realises this and slows down in a deliberately mannered and quite bowel-shatteringly annoying way. BBC4 channel editor Cassian Harrison commented: 'We have so many fantastic museums up and down the UK and I'm delighted that The Quizeum will be visiting some of these great institutions and exploring their collections, while putting our range of experts to the test. And with Griff Rhys Jones hosting, it promises to be a real treat full of fun and surprising facts.'The Quizeum is due to be broadcast on BBC4 later in the spring.

And, speaking of Janina Ramirez (a particular favourite of all of us here was From The North), dear blog readers are advised to clear an hour of your TV schedules on Thursday night - and, record Fortitude if you must - for her new series, Saints & Sinners: Britain's Millennium Of Museums on BBC4. According to the press release, Janina will explore 'how monasteries evolved from a cult of extreme isolation and self-deprivation into powerhouses of Anglo-Saxon art, industry and learning. Janina begins her journey on the desolate rock of Skellig St Michael off the east coast of Ireland, home to the oldest surviving monastery in the British Isles. She investigates the harsh lives led by these early monks, and tells the story of the arrival of hermetic Irish monasticism in Anglo-Saxon Northumberland. Monasteries such as Lindisfarne and Whitby became beacons of civilisation and literature in the barbaric Anglo-Saxon world, creating wondrous works of art including the Lindisfarne Gospels and St Cuthbert's pectoral cross. A rival form of regimented, communal monasticism was imported into Southern Britain from Rome and Janina reveals the holy struggle that ensued between these two opposing monastic ideals. The victors would transform the culture and landscape of England, until they too were destroyed by a new wave of barbarian invaders.' As a great fan of her previous work - particularly 2013's Chivalry & Betrayal: The Hundred Years' War - this blogger sticks that one right at the top of your 'if you're not watching this, you're nowhere, baby' list for the coming week.

Seemingly, the fact that Countdown's Suzie Dent turned fifty last November has suddenly, become newsworthy this week (well, if you count the blitheringly crap tittle-tattle that constitutes 'news' on Yahoo as such) four moths later. No, this blogger doesn't know why either.
Further to the previously reported appearance of David Tennant on Just A Minute earlier in the week, Dangerous Dave has been widely reported to be 'the most successful debut contestant' on the long-running Radio 4 panel game show. Wavey Davey his very self talked for one minute on the subject of 'Exit, Pursued by a Bear' without once being interrupted by his fellow panellists - Paul Merton, Julian Clary and Stephen Fry. It is believed to be the first time in nearly fifty years that a contestant has made such a fluent Just A Minute debut, with host Nicholas Parsons congratulating DT on his performance. Former RSC regular Tennant proved delighted with his first topic, Shakespeare's memorable stage direction from The Winter's Tale. Describing it as 'the most famous direction in theatrical history', David spoke at length about the precise staging of the play (albeit, as noted on this blog's last update he did, in fact, repeat the word 'perhaps' but no one seemed to have noticed). The long-running quiz show, which began in 1967, is something of a British institution and sees contestants challenged to speak for one minute 'without repetition, hesitation or deviation'. It has played host to the cream of British acting and comic talent over the years, with regular panellists including Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo, Kenneth Williams and, since 1989, Merton. A spokesman for the Radio 4 press office said that the Just A Minute team, including veteran host Parsons, could not recall any other example of a newcomer making it through a full minute on their first attempt saying it was 'very possibly' the only time it had happened in the show's history.

Channel Four's Head of Drama has said that the network will continue to be 'different' in providing programmes with 'something unique to say.' In a piece for Broadcast magazine, Piers Wenger directly responded to television critic Maggie Brown's review of Russell Davies's Cucumber, in which she questioned why Channel Four's drama slate was struggling to attract viewers. 'As Channel Four Head of Drama, it's a bit of a badge of honour to open Broadcast and see you have appalled a TV critic. Writing last week, Maggie Brown described discomfort in her family home at all the lingering shots of buttocks and biceps at the start of Russell T Davies' brilliant new drama Cucumber,' Wenger wrote. 'I have known Maggie for many years but I have to say I think she is missing the point. Channel Four drama is there to do what others won't. Of course, on an average Thursday night you can find a new crime series or a Scandi thriller on offer elsewhere, but our drama has to be bolder in tone. That approach has led to critically acclaimed hits like Dennis Kelly's dystopian vision Utopia and the BAFTA-winner Complicit. It also delivered distinctive ratings winners like The Mill and Southcliffe.' Wenger continued: 'We're here to be different, here specifically to back writers with something unique to say. With Cucumber, that meant giving one of the outstanding writers of his time the platform to write about what it's like to be middle-aged and gay in 2015. With Indian Summers, it was backing Paul Rutman's perspective on the end of the Raj. With No Offence, it was saying yes to Paul Abbott's brilliantly comic take on the police force. Of course, all channels need audiences but it's a mistake to see them as the only metric of success. That's why on C4 this year you'll see real range in our drama from sci-fi like Humans to much-loved returners like This Is England.' He concluded: 'It's a mix of shows that share a strong commitment to creative and cultural diversity and are all uniquely C4 at heart. We know bums on-screen won't always mean bums on seats. But, let's face it, if that becomes the sole benchmark of success, then we're all buggered.'
And now, here's the latest
It has been widely reported that Australia will compete at this year's Eurovision Song Contest. Organisers have, apparently, invited the country - which is not, actually, in Europe, just in case you hadn't noticed - to participate as part of the contest's sixtieth anniversary celebrations in 2016.
News on whether the Federated States of Micronesia will also be invited to take part in Eurovision is not, at this time, known. But, if they aren't, this blogger will be forced to concluded that it's simply down to racism, dear blog reader. It's the only answer.
Channel Four's hateful, sneering, ignorant documentary series Benefits Street has been shortlisted for an award by the Broadcasting Press Guild. The controversial programme, accused by many - this blogger included - of exploiting its participants and demonising the working classes, is one of four series for the guild's best documentary series award. Keeley Hawes, Toby Jones, James Nesbitt and Sheridan Smith are among those in contention for acting honours. The awards will be handed out at a ceremony at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane in London on 13 March. Benefits Street will compete for its prize against ITV's Broadmoor and two other Channel Four programmes - Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody and Grayson Perry: Who Are You? The drama series category sees three BBC shows - Happy Valley, Line Of Duty and The Honourable Woman - nominated alongside ITV's biographical drama Cilla. The single drama award pits Dylan Thomas drama A Poet In New York against Toby Jones'Marvellous, BBC3's Murdered By My Boyfriend and ITV's Tommy Cooper: Not Like That, Like This. Last year's awards saw the first series of ITV thriller Broadchurch take home three awards - one for best drama series, one for lead actress Olivia Colman and a writing award for creator Chris Chibnall. How times have changed.

ITV has commissioned a new topical puppet sketch show. That's original. Newzoids will 'tackle the week's news events, while featuring some of the world's most recognisable faces in unique ways.' So, not at all like Spitting Image in any way shape or form, then, clearly? On, no. Very hot water. The six-episode series which, just to repeat, is nothing whatsoever like Spitting Image, no siree Bob, will feature the voices of impressionist duo Jon Culshaw and Debra Stephenson, with a mixture of low-tech puppetry and animation. Yep. Definitely nothing even remotely like Spitting Image. 'Imagine a world where David Cameron and Nick Clegg battle it out on Jeremy Kyle, where Ed Miliband joins Ant & Dec on I'm A Catastrophe ... Get Me Out Of Here and where Professor Brian Cox finds an extraordinary new planet in the solar system - Kim Kardashian's backside,' ITV said in a press release. Before adding' this is not even a little bit like Spitting Image. Honest.' Among those set to feature on the show, which is not at all like Spitting Image, are Beyoncé, Harry Styles, Barack Obama, Prince Harry, Simon Cowell, Ant and/or Dec and Wayne Rooney.

Channel Four News's resident snooty, full-of-her-own-importance presenter Cathy Newman - the pin-up lady for every Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star reader in all the land - has been forced, very amusingly, to apologise for her 'poor choice of language' after her attempt to visit a mosque last month turned into a public-relations disaster. Which was funny. The presenter,who appears to really think that she's totally it, had claimed - entirely wrongly, as it turns out - that on 1 February she had visited the South London Islamic Centre during 'Visit My Mosque' day but had been 'ushered' out of the door. The implication being that this had occurred because she was a woman or white, or both. 'I just visited Streatham mosque for Visit My Mosque Day and was surprised to find myself ushered out of the door,' she sneered in an atypically Channel Four News way on Twitter after the alleged incident. Clearly believing - as, indeed, do most slightly famous people who use Twitter - that everyone in the whole wide world is so fascinated in such trivial malarkey and doings that they would instantly shit themselves and fall to the ground, rending their garments and chanting 'we're not worthy Cathy, you big, funky, gun-totin' sex machine. You rock my world, baby'. Tragically, Newman failed to add 'didn't they know who I was' at that point although, the subtext was reasonably clear enough. 'I was respectfully dressed, head covering and no shoes but a man ushered me back onto the street,' she claimed. 'I said I was there for Visit My Mosque. But it made no difference.' It was later reported that Newman had, in fact, been at the wrong venue and was meant to be at the nearby Hyderi Islamic Centre, which was participating in the event. Newman eventually found her way to the right venue and wrote later that day: 'Had wonderful warm welcome - not to mention tea and cake - at Hyderi Centre.' Subsequently, CCTV footage from the South London Islamic Centre emerged, obtained by The Huffington Post, which showed Newman entering and then leaving the mosque after a brief conversation with a congregant. But, importantly, she left the building unaccompanied and did not appear to have been 'ushered' anywhere as she had previously claimed in such a 'poor little me' manner. Newman later - grovellingly - apologised for the alleged 'mix-up' and on Thursday of this week further wrote: 'I have written to South London Islamic Centre and offered my sincere apologies for tweets sent in haste after I visited there in error. I accept my tweets were inappropriate and regret the use of the word "ushered". My language was poorly chosen and has caused a great deal of offence. I deeply regret that this happened. I shall now be taking a break from Twitter.' And, that last bit constitutes 'news', apparently. Quite how a member of Channel Four News's sneeringly awful and obnoxious Middle Class hippy Communist presentation team will survive for more than five minutes without letting the world know her every move on Twitter is not, at this time, known. Or, indeed, much cared about. The mosque at the heart of the dispute has described the episode as the toughest in its small community's history and warned of a 'fog of Islamophobia' in the national debate. The Streatham mosque said that it had accepted the apology from Newman. But in a statement, the mosque said that it was 'deeply disappointed' by what it described as Newman's 'instinctive reaction' in assuming that she was being mistreated by Muslim men because of her gender.

EastEnders actress Linda Henry has been cleared of racially abusing a council warden after being asked to pick up a cigarette butt. The actress was accused of telling a community warden 'Do you know who I am, I'm Shirley', before hurling racial abuse at the woman outside a Jamie Oliver restaurant. The fifty five-year-old, who plays Danny Dyer's on-screen mother, Shirley Carter, in the BBC drama was found very not guilty of calling the woman 'a nigger' after being reprimanded for dropping a cigarette butt in the street outside the premises. The incident took place near Jamie's Italian in Greenwich on 14 September. Dressed in a black suit with white shirt, Henry dipped her head and embraced supporters after the verdict was read out. Henry was charged under her married name, Varilis. District Judge Nigel Dean said: 'Ms Varilis is of previous good character, which means that she has enhanced credibility, in addition to which she is someone who does not have the propensity of behaving in the way that the Crown allege that she did on the occasion in September.' Adding that there was 'no corroborative evidence' to support the version of events given by the alleged victim, warden Iyabo Adetokunbo, he dismissed the charge against her.

Katie Price has described Katie Hopkins as 'a disgusting human being'.Which is probably true although it does, rather, smack of a pot describing a kettle as 'a member of an ethnic minority', somewhat.

Next ...
Trinity Mirra - the owner and publisher of the Daily Mirra and the Sunday Mirra - has apologised to 'all its victims of phone-hacking'. In a thoroughly grovelling apology, published in the Daily Mirra on Friday, it said that voicemails on 'certain people's phones' were unlawfully accessed 'some years ago'. The publicity accompanying the company's - final - admission of liability over phone-hacking, after several years of constant - and very public - denials, could start a flood of further claims against the company. It was the first significant admission of phone-hacking by a newspaper group not owned by billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch and it is regarded as significant because it confirms that the practice was widespread in parts of the British newspaper industry during the early years of the century. Information found was then used in the papers, which was 'an unacceptable intrusion' into private lives, it said. Trinity Mirra has already settled a number of phone-hacking claims. The company told its shareholders that it would set aside 'more money' to pay the cost of settling further phone-hacking claims which may emerge. It has reportedly set aside an extra eight million smackers, taking the total to twelve million knicker, to cover compensation payments to victims and associated legal costs. Whether that will be anywhere near enough is another matter entirely. In the printed apology, it said: 'It was unlawful and should never have happened and fell far below the standards our readers expect and deserve. We are taking this opportunity to give every victim a sincere apology for what happened.' It said that phone-hacking had 'long since been banished from Trinity Mirra's business and we are committed to ensuring it will not happen again.'Trinity Mirra also publishes the Sunday People which will also carry the apology along with the Sunday Mirra at the weekend. Cilla Black was among celebrities who settled phone-hacking claims for 'substantial' punitive damages in the High Court last month. The actor Darren Day, EastEnders actress Jessie Wallace and singer and reality TV regular Peter Andre also settled claims against Mirra Group Newspapers, which is a subsidiary of Trinity Mirra. The hacking was alleged to have taken place between 2000 and 2006. Settlements were also previously agreed with the former head coach of the England football team, Sven-Goran Eriksson, former Doctor Who actor Christopher Eccleston, David and Victoria Beckham's former nanny Abbie Gibson, the actor Shane Richie's wife Christie Roche and his agent Phil Dale. In September last year, Trinity Mirra admitted for the first time that some of its journalists had been involved in phone-hacking - after years of flat out and outraged denials - and said that it would pay compensation to four people. They were Shane Richie, soap actresses Shobna Gulati and Lucy Benjamin, and the BBC's creative director Alan Yentob. In November, former the Sunday Mirra investigations editor Graham Johnson pleaded very guilty to intercepting voicemail messages in 2001. He was the first Mirra Group Newspapers journalist to admit to phone-hacking. Trinity Mirra told shareholders: 'As the process of dealing with the civil claims has progressed, it has become evident that the cost of resolving these claims will be higher than previously envisaged. Inevitably there remains some uncertainty as to how matters will progress and whether or not new allegations or claims will emerge and their possible financial impact.' Allegations of phone-hacking at the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World, owned by News International, led to a large-scale police investigation that uncovered many victims and led to the newspaper's closure in shame and ignominy 2011. It also prompted the Leveson inquiry into press standards and regulation and to jail terms for several Scum of the World staff found to have done the dirty deeds.
Samsung is warning customers to 'avoid discussing personal information' in front of their smart television set. The warning applies to TV viewers who control their Samsung Smart TV using its voice activation feature. Such TV sets reportedly 'listen' to every conversation held in front of them and may share any details they hear with Samsung or third parties, it said. Privacy campaigners said the technology smacked of the telescreens, in George Orwell's 1984, which spied on citizens. The warning came to light via a story in online news magazine the Daily Beast which published an excerpt of a section of Samsung's privacy policy for its net-connected Smart TV sets. The policy explains that the TV set will be listening to people in the same room to try to spot when commands are issued. It goes on to warn: 'If your spoken words include personal or other sensitive information, that information will be among the data captured and transmitted to a third party.' They didn't add that their TV sets would be watching you so it's probably not a good idea to wank at Internet porn in front of it or, indeed, sit around your living room in just your pants, eating crisps and drinking pop either. Though, perhaps, they should have. Corynne McSherry, an intellectual property lawyer for the Electronic Frontier Foundation which campaigns on digital rights issues, told the Daily Beast that the third party was probably the company providing speech-to-text conversion for Samsung. She added: 'If I were the customer, I might like to know who that third party was, and I'd definitely like to know whether my words were being transmitted in a secure form.' In response to the widespread sharing of its policy statement, Samsung has issued a statement to 'clarify' how voice activation works. It said that the privacy policy was an attempt to be 'transparent' with owners in order to help them make 'informed choices' about whether to use some features on its Smart TV sets, adding that it took consumer privacy 'very seriously'. Samsung said: 'If a consumer consents and uses the voice recognition feature, voice data is provided to a third party during a requested voice command search. At that time, the voice data is sent to a server, which searches for the requested content then returns the desired content to the TV.' It added that it did not retain voice data or sell the audio being captured. Smart-TV owners would always know if voice activation was turned on because a microphone icon would be visible on the screen, it said. The third-party handling the translation from speech-to-text has not been named. Samsung is not the first maker of a smart, net-connected TV to run into problems with the data that the set collects. In late 2013, a UK IT consultant found his LG TV was gathering information about his viewing habits. Publicity about the issue led LG to create a software update which ensured that data collection was turned off for those who did not want to share information.
Former TV weatherman Fred Talbot has been found very guilty of historic sex abuse charges that he indecently assaulted two teenage boys when he was a teacher. The sixty five-year-old dirty rotten scoundrel was cleared of eight other indecent assault charges by a jury at Manchester Crown Court. He was accused of abusing four former pupils at Altrincham Grammar School and a fifth schoolboy from the Newcastle area. Talbot was remanded in custody for sentencing on 13 March. Judge Timothy Mort told Talbot that his sentence should start immediately bearing in mind his 'abuse of trust' and his sickening and sordid crimes. Talbot displayed no obvious reaction when the verdicts were read and nodded at the judge as he was taken down to the cells. He had denied abusing boys aged fourteen to seventeen, but the jury didn't believe a word of it and he was found extremely guilty of two counts relating to former pupils at Altrincham Grammar on canal boat trips. The jury heard that Talbot staged a 'naked orgy' involving ten drunken schoolboys on a canal barge. He was said to have asked some of the pupils to pretend they were girls and lie on top of each other as photographs were taken. One victim, who said that he thought he was fourteen at the time of the incident, claimed Talbot abused him after he was told to share a bed with him. Another boy was abused on another barge trip in similar circumstances. He said that boys would 'take turns' to sleep in Talbot's bed during the trip and when it was his turn, Talbot 'started talking to me about sexual stuff'. The incidents are said to have taken place on school trips in the 1970s. It can now be reported that a number of similar complaints against Talbot have been passed by police to the Procurator Fiscal about alleged offences said to have been committed in Scotland. Talbot worked as a biology teacher at the boys' school until May 1984. The court heard that his teaching career came to 'an abrupt end' following an indecent proposal he made to two pupils he invited to his home to 'look at his telescope.' The jury was told that he was said to have been 'obsessed' with teenage boys throughout his teaching career and 'could not help himself' around them when under the influence of drink. During the investigation, police seized a number of diaries which Talbot kept during his teaching career. Police found entries 'highly suggestive of inappropriate behaviour'. During the trial The Stone Roses singer Ian Brown told the court that his former teacher, Talbot, had showed pupils what he later realised was 'probably a gay porn film'. He said that Talbot also suggested boys go home, try to masturbate and report back on the results. Brown told the court that he remembered 'in particular' two or three lessons given by Talbot when Brown was an eleven-year-old schoolboy. He said that the class went to the science block, but instead of the usual classroom went into another room with a projector set up. Brown said: 'A three minute film on a Super Eight projector of a guy walking into a room dressed in denims, sits on bed, takes trousers down and masturbates. It was only a few years later I realised it was probably a gay porn film. It wasn't a sex education film.' Neil Usher, prosecuting, asked if there was any response from the boys. 'Nervous giggles,' Brown said. 'He wanted to know who was successful in the masturbation. He asked boys to raise the hand.' Brown said in further biology lessons, his teacher would approach the boys who had raised their hands and have 'private words' with them. 'I can remember sitting there wondering, "What is he saying to them?" They were all the same age but they were a foot bigger than us.' Suzanne Goddard QC, defending, cross-examined the singer about the biology classes and suggested part of Talbot's responsibility as a teacher was sex education. Brown said: 'I doubt that's on the curriculum.' Asked why he had not told his parents about these incidents, the singer said: 'It was 1974. I was eleven and the teachers ruled with an iron rod. It would have been an embarrassment to tell my parents things like that.' Detective Constable Chris Doggart, of Greater Manchester Police, said after sentencing: 'Talbot was an extremely popular and well liked individual - both as a celebrity weatherman and formerly as a science teacher - who earned not only the trust and adulation of many of his peers and pupils, but also much of the nation. Now he has been exposed as an opportunistic sex offender and that reputation is rightly in tatters. Even when he was not committing offences against the two vulnerable young boys, his behaviour was wholly inappropriate and so far removed from his duty as a teacher to nurture and safeguard those under his care it really does defy belief.' In a statement, Altrincham Grammar School for Boys said: 'These awful events took place over thirty years ago and naturally our thoughts go out to those former pupils who were subjected to this abuse. We are confident that our present pupils and their parents know that the school is totally committed to ensuring the safety of our students and staff at all times and that these historical offences have no bearing on the school's outstanding reputation today.' Talbot became best known for presenting the weather forecast on a floating map in Liverpool's Albert Dock for ITV's This Morning programme.

A court in South Korea has extremely sentenced the daughter of the boss of Korean Air to a year in The Big House after she threw a big stroppy tantrum over a packet of airline nuts. Heather Cho was the Executive Vice President of Korean Air until she was forced to extremely resign in December following the incident on a Korean Air flight from New York to Seoul. Cho had ordered the plane to return to its gate so that the Chief Steward could be removed after she had been offered her first-class snack in a plastic packet rather than in a dish. The forty-year-old was convicted of obstructing aviation safety after making an unauthorised demand for the plane to return to the gate. She was cleared of charges relating to allegations that she had tried to bribe the victims in the case. One of the three judges said that the incident would never have occurred if Cho had 'shown consideration' for other human beings, had not treated them as slaves and had been 'conscious of public perception.' Cho, who has been extremely in custody since 30 December, wiped away tears as a letter expressing her claims of remorse was read to the court by head judge Oh Seong-woo. It included details about how Cho, one of the richest women in South Korea, was adjusting to the basic conditions in prison and reflecting on her life. 'I know my faults and I'm very sorry,' Cho said in her letter. The incident occurred in a three-minute period as the plane was backing away from the gate in preparation for take-off. CCTV footage from the gate at JFK airport, played in court, shows the Korean Air plane pulling back from the stand. After backing up for twenty five seconds, the plane stopped and remained stationary for three minutes before moving back up to the gate. Inside the first class cabin, Heather Cho had been offered her nuts by stewardess Kim Do-hee. Angry that they had been presented to her in their packet, Cho remonstrated with the stewardess. The chief steward of the flight, Park Chang-Jin, attempted to resolves the situation but he, too, was given a public dressing down by Cho. Park told the court: '[Cho] was like a beast that found its prey, gritting its teeth as she became abusive, not listening to what I had to say at all. I don't think Cho showed an ounce of conscience, treating powerless people like myself like feudal slaves, forcing us to sacrifice and treating it as if it was the natural thing to do,' the chief steward told the court in evidence. As the plane sat on the tarmac metres from the gate, Cho ordered that Park bring her a tablet computer containing the airlines protocol so that she could prove to him that he had violated airline procedure in the distribution of nuts to first class passengers. The computer was produced but Park was unable to remember the password. It is alleged that Cho then began to hit Park and ordered that he be removed from the flight. The Captain returned the plane to the gate and Park was removed. Prosecutors had asked for a three-year jail sentence, but the judge said he had taken into account the fact that Cho had two young children and that her personal and professional reputation had been shattered. In finding Cho guilty of illegally altering the course of a plane, the judge ruled that an aircraft should be deemed 'in flight' from the moment it begins to move, even if it is still on the tarmac. Cho was not found guilty of the second charge of using her position to obstruct due process, but another Korean Air executive, Yeo Woon-jin, was convicted of interfering in the government probe of the incident by attempting to cover up the incident and destroying evidence and sentenced him eight months prison term. Transport ministry official Kim Woon-sub was found guilty of leaking the ministry's investigation into the airline. He received a six-month prison sentence suspended for one year. The incident has sparked a wider debate within South Korean society about abuse of power and nepotism within the country's so-called 'Chaebols'– family-owned conglomerates who dominate South Korean business. Cho's father, Cho Yang-ho, the airline's chairman was very convicted of tax evasion in 2000 and given a suspended sentence before being issued with a presidential pardon. There have been numerous other cases involving 'Chaebols' which together have prompted suggestions that they act above the law and lack proper checks and balances. In 2008, Samsung's Chairman, Lee Kun-hee was given a three year suspended sentence for financial wrongdoing. He too was later given a presidential pardon.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping happened to been flicking about the TV channels one afternoon this week, dear blog reader, and noticed that The Delicate Sound Of Thunder was being broadcast on Sky Arts. For those who've never seen it, still the funniest bit in it - even funnier, in fact, than the sight of the mulleted tosser that the Floyd had playing bass with them on that particular show who looks like the bastard offspring of Hoddle and Waddle - remains the bit in the middle of 'One Of These Days' where the camera picks out a member of the audience, presumably stoned off his tits on illegal substances of some description, screaming 'LOOK AT THAT FUCKING PIG!' to his mate. Personally, this blogger doesn't think that's any way to talk about Dave Gilmour ... Actually to be fair, the music on Delicate Sound Of Thunder is great but the cast of characters playing along with Dave, Nick and Rick appear to be a checklist of everything that was wrong with the 1980s. Nasty hair, nasty clothes ... They've even got the Robert Palmer MILFs on backing vocals fer Christ's sake! On second thoughts, this blogger would like to qualify that statement - most of the music on Delicate Sound Of Thunder is great ... apart from Nick Mason sounding uncannily like he's putting up shelves in his garage on most of the first half of the show (particularly on 'Learning To Fly') - another tick on the 'everything that was wrong with the 80s' list; drummers resembling medieval stone masons. Or, in this case, medieval stone nick masons.
A British artist and some helpers from a local lingerie boutique spanked one another at the London Fifty Shades Of Grey premiere to protest at Britain's new pornography laws. Bert Gilbert and a team from Bordello Lingerie gathered outside the Leicester Square Cinema on Thursday to spank one another with hand-shaped 'bottom blushers' in protest at the new laws placing restrictions of certain forms of pornography. Gilbert posted on her Facebook page the 'guerrilla spanking protest' was 'a success' and she was able to 'spank the police' while being escorted away from the theatre. The pornography laws were previously the subject of a 'face-sitting' protest involving about two hundred people outside the houses of Parliament in December. Cos, normally you have to pay good money for that sort of thing. Apparently.
Meanwhile, B&Q admitted on Thursday that a memo warning staff of a likely rush by customers clamouring for rope, cable ties and duct tape in the wake of the release of Fifty Shades Of Grey was, in fact, 'a ruse' set up by its PR office. No shit?! In a memo to staff reported by multiple media outlets earlier this week, the hardware chain said that managers would need to 'anticipate the need for extra stock' and encouraged staff to 'familiarise themselves with the contents' of film ahead of its release this weekend. It said: 'When the book was released in 2012 DIY and hardware stores in the UK and US reported increased demand of certain products and queries from customers as they tried to recreate their own Fifty Shades experiences. We need to be prepared for the same effect when the film is released this month.' The memo – which appeared to be from head office – generated headlines across the when it was picked up by the Daily Scum Mail, the Daily Mirra, the UK’s Press Association news agency, the Gruniad Morning Star and others. However, it now appears that the e-mail was, in fact, a publicity stunt by the firm's PR team. A B&Q spokeswoman told the Gruniad: 'We can confirm that the leaked memo was indeed a bit of fun. Both B&Q, the public and the media have been entertained over the past few days and we are looking forward to a big weekend. We would have confessed to this sooner, but our hands were tied.'
Meanwhile ...
I wonder if they do takeaways?

Scientists at a US conference have said that it is time to 'try actively' to contact intelligent life on other worlds. Researchers involved in the search for extra-terrestrial life are considering what the message from Earth should be. This blogger suggests it could, perhaps, be something along the lines of: 'Psst. Got n resources cos we're running short? Thanks in advance.' The call was made by the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence institute at a meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science in San Jose. But others argued that making our presence known might be dangerous. Researchers at the SETI institute have been listening for signals from outer space for more than thirty years using radio telescope facilities in the US. So far there has been no sign of any aliens. The organisation's director, Doctor Seth Shostak, told attendees to the AAAS meeting that it was now time to step up the search. 'Some of us at the institute are interested in "active SETI", not just listening but broadcasting something to some nearby stars because maybe there is some chance that if you wake somebody up you'll get a response,' he told the BBC News website. 'A lot of people are against active SETI because it is dangerous. It is like shouting in the jungle. You don't know what is out there; you better not do it. If you incite the aliens to obliterate the planet, you wouldn't want that on your tombstone.' Shostak is a credible and popular figure and has been invited to present his arguments. Leading astronomers, anthropologists and social scientists will gather at his institute after the AAAS meeting for a symposium to flesh out plans for a proposal for active SETI to put to the public and politicians. High on the agenda is whether such a move would, as he put it so starkly, lead to the 'obliteration' of the planet. 'I don't see why the aliens would have any incentive to do that,'Shostak said. 'Beyond that, we have been telling them willy-nilly that we are here for seventy years now. They are not very interesting messages but the early TV broadcasts, the early radio, the radar from the Second World War - all that has leaked off the Earth. Any society that could come here and ruin our whole day by incinerating the planet already knows we are here.' His argument isn't entirely reassuring. But neither is the one made by David Brin, a science fiction writer invited to speak at the AAAS meeting, who opposes the plan. 'Historians will tell you that first contact between industrial civilisations and indigenous people does not go well,' Brin said. He believes that those in favour of active SETI have been 'railroading the public into sending a message without a wide and detailed discussion of what the cultural impact might be.' He claims that he does not fear a Hollywood-style alien invasion and thinks the likelihood of making contact with anyone (or, indeed, any thing) is extremely low. But the risks, he argues, are extremely high and so merit careful consideration before anyone sends out a signal to potentially habitable worlds. 'The arrogance of shouting into the cosmos without any proper risk assessment defies belief. It is a course that would put our grandchildren at risk,' he said. Also on the agenda at the active SETI symposium is that if we are to send a message to ET - what should it be? Some involved in the discussions believe we should send a sanitised account of ourselves, leaving out parts of our history that we aren't proud of - you know, the Holocaust, genocide, racism, slavery ... the bible - and putting a positive spin on our achievements - as if our species were attending a job interview or first date. Shostak disagrees. He thinks the only way to win over the aliens is to be ourselves. 'My personal preference is to send the Internet - send it all because if you send a lot of information then there's some chance that they'll work it out.' Including all the porn, presumably. That'll sort out the, alien men from the alien boys.

A change of speed, now, for today's Keith Telly Topping's 78 of the Day, here's the virry granddaddy of rock and roll his self and some real soul music.

Michelle Gomez her very self is returning to the next series of Doctor Who. The popular actress will reprise the mad-as-an-angry-badger role of yer actual Missy in the opening episodes of series nine, which is currently in production and will be broadcast on BBC1 later this year. It has also been confirmed that the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama will return with a two-part premiere, with the first episode, as previously reportedly, entitled The Magician's Apprentice. Part two will be called The Witch's Familiar. Gomez said: 'Things have been a little beige since I left Missy behind, so I'm delighted to be putting my lippie back on. I'm positively dying to see The Doctor again!'Showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods before He) added: 'Everybody hide; Michelle Gomez as Missy was an instant hit last year, so she's straight back to plague The Doctor and Clara in the series opener. But what brings her back into their lives is the last thing they'd expect.' Jemma Redgrave's Kate Stewart will also join Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman in The Magician's Apprentice and The Witch's Familiar' following her character's unexpected last minute survival in the 2014 series finale. Missy made a number of cameo appearances on the popular family SF drama last year, before being revealed as a female regeneration of The Master at the end of the series. Which caused the heads of some of the more conservative end of Doctor Who fandom (The Special People, basically) to explode with impotent fury as they considered releasing a protest record to whinge about this manifest badness ('this is not a joke/The Master is a bloke'). Other viewers, this one included, thought she was great. So, you know, it's all swings and roundabouts, innit? Missy was last seen apparently being vaporised in series eight's finale, Death In Heaven. But, as one of her - male - predecessors once noted: 'I'm indestructible, Doctor, the whole universe knows that.' Mind you, another one once 'drezzzzzzed for the occasion' so, you know, no one's perfect. It was recently confirmed that Blink director Hettie MacDonald will return to take charge of at least one episode of the upcoming series. The opening two episodes will also feature Kelly Hunter (who previously played The Shadow Architect in The Stolen Earth), Clare Higgins (Ohila in The Night Of The Doctor) and Jaye Griffiths. Other guest stars appearing in the series include Daniel Hoffmann-Gill, Jami Reid-Quarrell, Aaron Neil, India Ria Amarteifio, Joey Price, Dasharn Anderson, Harki Bhambra, and Demi Papaminas.
This Easter a college in Manchester is offering a crash course in the history of Doctor Who. Historian Michael Herbert will be teaching an eleven-week evening class on the history of the television programme, starting on 14 April at Aquinas College, Stockport. This course will look at the creation of Doctor Who by the BBC's then head of drama, Sydney Newman and producer Verity Lambert, in the early months of 1963. The course will then follow its history over the following five decades, including the Twelve Doctors from yer actual William Hartnell to Peter Capaldi his very self, the many companions and the role of producers and script editors in the programme including Lambert, Terrance Dicks, Barry Letts, John Nathan Turner, Andrew Cartmel and Russell Davies. The course will examine why Doctor Who was taken off the air in 1989 and how, it returned in 2005 to critical acclaim and is now watched by millions, both in Britain and abroad. Each week the course will view a number of classic episodes from each Doctor's era. The course will be led by Herbert who says that he watched the first episode, aged eight. Pfft, lightweight. The blogger was four. Anyway, Michael's pamphlet Doctor Who& The Communist: The Television Career Of Malcolm Hulke was published by Five Leaves Press in January.
A new Doctor Who comic uniting three of the more recent Doctors will be released by Titan Comics this summer. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's old mucker, the fantastically talented Paul Cornell, is scripting the five-part series, which will run weekly from mid-August till the end of September. The story will involve the Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Doctors according to The Hollywood Reporter.
Broadchurch's overnight audience dipped again by around two hundred thousand viewers week-on-week on Monday. The ITV drama's penultimate episode was seen by an overnight average 5.67 million at 9pm. Earlier, Wor Geet Canny Robson Green's More Tales From Northumbria - in which Wor Geet Canny Robson Green's bare naked arse was, briefly, visible on the sands at Druridge Bay (and, jolly pert and shapely it was, too) opened with 3.61m at 8pm. BBC1's live FA Cup coverage of The Scum's 3-1 win over Preston Both Ends topped the night with 5.74m at 7.30pm. Later, an EastEnders'special' (and, I use that word quite wrongly) of The Graham Norton Show had an audience of 2.21m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, University Challenge attracted 2.44m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 2.07m at 8.30pm. A Cook Abroad appealed to 1.49m at 9pm, while Vic and Bob's House of Fools returned for a second series with six hundred and sixty one thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's Food Unwrapped drew 1.08m at 8.30pm, whilst the controversial even before it was shown UKiP: The First One Hundred Days was watched by only nine hundred and sixteen thousand punters at 9pm. Catastrophe failed to amuse five hundred and nine thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, My Daughter Stole My Husband was gawped at by 1.01m sad, crushed victims of humanity at 8pm, followed by Benefits Britain with 1.85m at 9pm and Ten Thousand BC with eight hundred and forty one thousand at 10pm. BBC3's Uncle returned for a new series with two hundred and forty six thousand at 9.30pm. E4's Taking New York dipped to just forty seven thousand at 9pm for its second episode. On FOX, The Walking Dead had an audience of four hundred and ninety five thousand at 9pm.
Former national heartthrob David Tennant has responded to critics of Broadchurch's second series - for there have been quite a few. The actor said that the drama has become a victim of its own success, adding that British viewers 'never allow lightning to strike twice.' He told the Press Association: 'I think we're a victim of our success to be honest. The first series was such an extraordinary thing. We never allow lightning to strike twice in this country, we just don't let that happen. So, inevitably there was going to be a certain amount of, "It's not as good as the first time." I think it is. I think it's a wonderful series that I'm very proud to be part of.' Asked about the final two episodes of the current series, the actor said that he is 'a vault of secrets', and refused to be drawn on further details.
Channel Four has so far received over fifteen hundred complaints over UKiP: The First One Hundred Days. The 'what-if' drama imagined a future scenario in which Nigel Farage party's won the general erection in May. An unlikely scenario, frankly. The docudrama used real-life archive material alongside scripted drama to show how British domestic and foreign policy could change with UKiP in power. Ofcom said that it has received seven hundred and thirty complaints following the broadcast on Monday, while Channel Four has received almost one thousand comments by Wednesday. Ofcom said: 'We will assess these complaints before deciding whether to investigate.' A Channel Four spokesperson told the Digital Spy website: 'This rise of UKiP's electoral support is one of the biggest political phenomena in recent years and this is reflected in The First One Hundred Days, which used policies and statements made by the party and its members to create a fictional future where the party is in power. The programme was produced in accordance with the Ofcom Broadcast Code and its obligations to be fair, accurate and duly impartial. The election period set out in the Ofcom Broadcasting Code has not started. Channel Four has a role to encourage debate and engage viewers in political issues - and the schedule will include a broad range of programming in the build up to the election including news and current affairs investigations, a party leader debate and a major new political drama on the formation of the coalition government.' UKiP leader Nigel Farage - you might have heard of him, he's on television more often than Olivia Colman - criticised the programme on Twitter, describing it as 'a biased, partisan depiction' of his party.
Updated to add: It has been pointed out to the blogger that the photo image used to illustrate the UKiP complaints story above is not, in fact, one of Nigel Farage the leader of UKiP. Rather it is, actually, a photo of 'a Nazi'. All of us at From The North wish to apologise, sincerely, for any inconvenience, upset or embarrassment this mix-up has caused. To the Nazi. Next ...
BBC1's The Gift dipped in the ratings when going up against live football on Tuesday, overnight data reveals. The charitable series dropped by around four hundred thousand viewers week-on-week to an average 3.27 million at 9pm. Later, Count Arthur Strong was watched by 1.53m at 10.35pm. ITV's live coverage of the Champions League game between Paris St Germain and Moscow Chelski FC topped the night outside soaps with 4.33m from 7.30pm. On BBC2, Alex Polizzi: The Fixer appealed to 1.90m at 8pm, followed by Inside The Commons with 1.73m at 9pm. Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience gathered eight hundred and fifty two thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's Can Property Pay Your Wages? was seen by 1.06m at 8pm, while The Romanians Are Coming interested 1.55m at 9pm. Kid Criminals was watched by nine hundred and seventy nine thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Costa Del Casualty brought in nine hundred and thirty six thousand at 8pm, followed by Killer Psychopaths with eight hundred and thirty three thousand at 9pm and Ten Thousand BC with six hundred and seven thousand at 10pm.

Moscow Chelski FC managed to claim a 1-1 draw in Paris when John Terry, Gary Cahill and Branislav Ivanovic combined for The Blues to take the lead against PSG. Whilst that certainly qualified as 'news', much of Twitter its very self was, as usual, positively awash with hyperbole, trivia and bollocks - in this case regarding the man who has replaced odious waste-of-space greed bucket (and drag) Adrian Chiles as the host of ITV's football coverage. Mark Pougatch previously best known as a BBC radio host delivered a consummate performance in his début after having taken over from the rightly maligned greed bucket horrorshow and faceache, Chiles. Gone were the sarcastic and tragically unfunny alleged 'jokes' and the pointless, bland, banal questions to bemused-looking panellists from Chiles with Pougatch delivering a more professional presenting style and, seemingly, delighting the majority of fans on social media who expressed a preference. 'As far as stepping into someone's shoes goes, ITV's new football presenter, Mark Pougatch, did not exactly face the same pressure as the bloke who replaced John Squire in The Stone Roses', wrote the Gruniad Morning Star's Nick Miller; nice pop culture reference there, pal. He was called Aziz Ibrahim, incidentally. However, Miller then spoiled it by going on to suggest, quite entirely wrongly and against all evidence, that 'Adrian Chiles was not all bad.' Oh, yes he was, matey. Every single solitary bit'all bad'. That's why ITV sacked his ass and sent him packing.
Meanwhile, more than nine million overnight viewers watched EastEnders go live on Tuesday, when fans may – or may not – have found out who killed yer actual Lucy Beale. The BBC1 soap had a near forty per cent share of the audience from 7.30pm - when it was up against the Moscow Chelski match - one-and-a-half million more than the number of overnight viewers who watched Tuesday night's episode the previous week. The episode featured live inserts as part of EastEnders' week-long thirtieth birthday celebrations, which will culminate in an all-live episode on Friday. But, there was some confusion over what Jake Wood's character, Max Branning, actually said to his daughter, Abi, during the episode's crucial live segment: did he say 'Lauren knows you killed Lucy' or 'Lauren knows who killed Lucy'? Because, that's quite a crucial difference. It was EastEnders' largest overnight audience for two years, since 9.2 million tuned in on 21 January 2013. Tuesday's episode was also nearly three million viewers up on the 2014 average for the soap's Tuesday night 7.30pm slot, watched by an overnight average of 6.1 million viewers last year. It also beat last year's Christmas special, with 7.4 million overnight viewers and the 2013 festive edition, with 7.7 million.
And, the drama wasn't just confined to the on-screen action, either. A fire reportedly broke out on the set of EastEnders a few hours after the live inserts broadcast on Tuesday. Firefighters were called to the set in the BBC's Elstree studios in Hertfordshire just after 23:00. Flames were reported in parts of a building on the Albert Square location. The fire, which did not cause any serious damage, is believed to have been started accidentally by a firework. The blaze, which was in the first floor and roof space of the building, was soon 'contained and extinguished' by crews, said Ian Parkhouse from Hertfordshire fire and rescue service. 'We're pleased that we were able to deal with this incident quickly, so it shouldn't affect the thirty-year celebrations taking place this week,' he added.
Of course, live TV episodes may be gimmicky but fans tend to rather like them because they inject that sense of potential jeopardy into traditionally slick and polished telly. And, this week's EastEnders episode are certainly living up to the hype. Following Tuesday night's possibly muffled line which left fans wondering who on earth did kill Lucy Beale, there was an even more prominent gaffe on Wednesday. Perhaps momentarily confused by the ages-old system of actors pretending to be other people for the purposes of entertainment Jo Joyner, who plays Tanya Branning, said Ian Beale actor's Adam Woodyatt's name by mistake. 'I couldn't miss your big day, could I?' she told Ian's wife Jane (Laurie Brett): 'Even if it does mean bumping into the bald ginger one. How's Adam?' she continued. Oops. Joyner, at least, was able to see the lighter side of her slip, tweeting afterwards: 'At least you know it's live!'
Crap overheard on Facebook this week. Number one: 'Am I the only person in the country who doesn't give a monkey's about who killed Lucy on EastEnders?' This blogger has seen at least three variations of that statement in the last twenty four hours. Which, obviously, leads to the reply 'no, you're not. There would appear to be at least two others who feel the same way out there and, quite possibly, a hell of a lot more (given that whilst eleven million people watched the episode in question, live, fifty odd million did not). However, you do appear to amongst the few who've actually attempted to prove you don't care who killed Lucy in EastEnders, by starting a thread on Facebook telling everyone how much you don't care about who killed Lucy in EastEnders. Which could, in and of itself, be indicative of a sort of caring.' Or something. Yer actual Keith telly Topping is overthinking this, isn't he? Next ...

The Great Comic Relief Bake Off topped the overnight ratings on Wednesday. The second episode of the charity series attracted 7.02m at 8.30pm, while Room 101 followed with 4.22m at 9.30pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip continued with 1.40m at 7pm, before Alaska: Earth's Frozen Kingdom interested 2.38m at 8pm. The latest episode of Wolf Hall attracted 2.46m at 9pm. ITV's Midsomer Murders was watched by 3.66m at 8pm. On Channel Four, The Restoration Man appealed to nine hundred and ninety thousand at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours in A&E brought in 1.73m at 9pm. Junk Food Kids: Who's to Blame? had an audience of 1.33m at 10pm. GPs: Behind Closed Doors averaged eight hundred and ninety thousand for Channel Five at 8pm, before World's Biggest Hips attracted 1.05m at 9pm. Erin Brockovich was watched by three hundred and eighty eight thousand at 10pm.

BBC Worldwide has announced that it has secured 'strong' international sales of its acclaimed Wolf Hall. The period drama, starring Damian Lewis as Henry VIII and Mark Rylance as Thomas Cromwell, has been sold to ARTE for France and Germany, SVT in Sweden, DR in Denmark, YLE in Finland, BBC First covering Australia and co-production partners Masterpiece for the US. The announcement was made ahead of the BBC Worldwide Showcase 2015, which will be held in Liverpool between 22 and 25 February. The showcase is the biggest distributor trade event in the world and is designed to generate programme sales on behalf of the BBC and various British independent producers. President of global markets for BBC Worldwide, Paul Dempsey, said: 'The range and quality of this year's content slate will make for a special showcase and we can't wait to welcome a record number of international buyers to our flagship event for British TV exports.'
And now ...
The name Tony Hart has not reverberated around social media for several years. Certainly not since the popular children's television presenter and artist died in 2009. His name, however, became one of the most heavily discussed topics on Twitter on Sunday and Monday as a wave of people spread the news of his demise and scramble to pay tribute to him, seemingly, in the mistaken belief that it was 'news.' That was, perhaps, inevitably, followed by a second wave of comments, all mocking the first lot for being such stupid glakes, basically (sample: 'Tony Hart. So good, we mourned him twice!') The BBC were soon on the case on Monday, trying to find out just what the blithering fek was going on with all this malarkey. 'It appears that the confusion started on Sunday at 20:44 when Dan Huntley, a thirty three-year-old father of two from Kent, tweeted "RIP Tony Hart"', they suggested. About half-an-hour later Dan appeared to have discovered his mistake and acknowledged it online but, by that time, it was too late to halt the unstoppable tidal-wave of 'Psst, Tony Hart's died, pass it on' malarkey which, at one point, threatened to break the Internet. 'My Mrs just told me she saw a post on Facebook and assumed it was today he died,' Dan told the BBC. 'I loved Hartbeat as a child so I wanted to pay tribute. I didn't really think twice about it. However, when I was informed that he died six years ago, I remembered paying tribute on my own Facebook page [at the time]. I have no idea why it would suddenly start trending like that, unless it was a simple mix up like what happened with me.' Well, it's probably because most people on social media have the memory span of the average goldfish, a propensity for believing any old crap that they're told and have nothing better to do with their lives, if we're being completely honest about this. This social media user very much included.
Every straight kid's favourite lesbian, the very excellent Sue Perkins, will host a new format of Sky Atlantic's Thronecast series when it returns in April. The Game Of Thrones spin-off will be broadcast live in front of a studio audience following each new episode of the hugely popular HBO fantasy drama. Thronecast will launch with an hour-long special after the premiere of Game Of Thrones' season five on Monday 13 April. It will then continue with nine half-hour episodes accompanying each weekly episode. Sue will be joined each week by a panel including cast and crew members, celebrity fans and guest experts. Game Of Thrones'expert', Jamie East, will also return to provide 'special reports' and audience interaction, along with previews of upcoming episodes and behind-the-scenes footage.
Jimmy Nesbitt begorrah, bejesus, where's me shillelagh, has ruled out an appearance in series two of The Missing. The acclaimed first series of BBC1's thriller followed Nesbitt's character, Tony, as he hunted for his missing son Olly. The next series will see Julien Baptiste (Tchéky Karyo) pursue a new investigation. Nesbitt confirmed to Radio Times that he will not be reprising his part in the new episodes. The actor also addressed the ambiguity surrounding the first series finale and the fate of missing the Olly. In the final scenes, a deranged Tony approached a young boy in Russia, whom he believed to be his son. 'I was talking to someone about the ending and I was saying it definitely wasn't Olly at the end,' Nesbitt explained. '[I thought] Tony is demented and Oliver is dead and the only place that Tony can find solace is in this demented world. And that was how I was playing it. But the director Tom Shankland arrived and said, "Oh no, that was Olly" - so there was an ambiguity to it.' The writing team of Harry and Jack Williams will return to write series two of The Missing - as with the first series, the new run will be a co-production between the BBC and US cable network Starz.
The Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star reading Green Party frackers at Channel Four News have been extremely censured by media regulator Ofcom for 'misleading viewers' in a report about policing. The Metropolitan Police complained last March over a story about an official review into possible police corruption. It has transpired that interviewees who were presented as members of the public in the story were, in fact, pre-selected and had ties with the broadcaster. Channel Four said it 'accepted' that the report 'fell below the normal standards.' The news broadcast in question was about a review into the investigation of the death of Stephen Lawrence in 1993. Five people were asked for their reactions on the street in Brixton. One was identified as 'working for youth marketing agency Livity' - but, it transpired, that four of those interviewed, in fact, worked for the same organisation. The Channel Four reporter had previously been employed by the agency and the organisation also lists Channel Four as one of its clients. Ofcom there was 'a significant failure' because the broadcast made it appear that three of the interviewees were 'randomly selected members of the public.'The regulator said that broadcasters had a 'fundamental obligation to ensure that audiences are not misled by the manner in which news is presented.' It added that 'breaches of this nature are amongst the most serious that can be committed by a broadcaster because they go to the heart of the relationship of trust between a broadcaster and its audience.' And, it concluded that somebody in a position of authority at Channel Four News really ought to get their arse kicked, really hard, for such damn-fool shenanigans. Ofcom added: 'any unfairness resulting from the selection and presentation of the vox pops in the Brixton report was not capable of materially or adversely affecting viewers' opinions of the MPS in a way that was unfair. Therefore, overall, we did not consider that the MPS was treated unfairly in the programme as broadcast.' Channel Four said that the error was due to 'poor judgment by a junior reporter'. They failed to add whether this 'junior reporter' upon whom all of the blame for the incident was now being hastily dumped like a bucket of hot shite had been given the tin-tack or kicked, geet hard, in the Jacob's Cream Crackers and told not to do it again, or what. A Channel Four spokeswoman sneered: 'Ofcom accepted that all the individuals interviewed in this brief report were expressing their own genuinely held opinions on camera, which reflected similarly held views by many others - and has ruled that the overall twenty-minute item about The Ellison Review was duly impartial. Whilst we do not agree that the audience was misled in any meaningful way, we accept that the reporter's methodology was flawed - it was an error of judgment and we broadcast an apology and clarification about this within a week.'

Crap overheard on Facebook this week: Number two. 'Just watched the final episode of Spiral. Never has a show so spectacularly jumped the shark as this.' Okay, you can all stop laughing now dear blog reader, the silly man (or woman) has gone away. And, bonus points to him (or her) for alluding to an Internet 'buzzphrase' which, thanks to its ludicrous overuse - by glakes - has now been rendered more or less meaningless.

US TV show Saturday Night Live celebrated its fortieth birthday with a three-hour special featuring guests like Jack Nicholson and Robert De Niro. Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake kicked off the show with a medley of music, catchphrases and characters. Steve Martin, Taylor Swift, Tom Hanks, Sir Paul McCartney, Melissa McCarthy and Keith Richards also joined the party. Sir Paul performed an impromptu duet of 'I've Just Seen A Face' with Paul Simon. Other musical guests included Kanye West and Miley Cyrus. 'Tonight is like an enormous high school reunion,' host Martin said as the show began. Saturday Night Live has become a US TV institution and numerous cast members - including Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Amy Poehler, Adam Sandler and Kristen Wiig - have gone on to carve out Hollywood careers. Creator Lorne Michaels is widely regarded as one of the most revered producers in the business. 'If Lorne didn't have good taste, this would have gone away a long time ago,' said Mike Myers, whose Wayne's World sketches with Dana Carvey - which he reprised on Sunday - inspired the comedy film of the same name. De Niro proclaimed that SNL is 'still at it', adding: 'Forty years! That's like back when TV was still watched on TV.' A montage of audition tapes, including disappointing ones from Jim Carrey and Stephen Colbert, were also shown. A spoof news team made up of Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Jane Curtin appeared together for the Weekend Update, with the top story being the SNL anniversary itself. 'Viewers of Saturday Night Live span several generations,' Fey reported. 'From the Baby Boomers to Generation X all the way to whatever you call the little dummies who are live-tweeting this right now instead of watching it.'

ITV is jumping into the gap left by Total Wipeout with a new show 'inspired' by an extreme assault-course game show from Japan. The show, called Ninja Warrior UK, will be hosted by Ben Shephard, The Saturdays' Rochelle Humes and ex-footballer and Sky Sports legend Chris Kamara and will feature two hundred and fifty contestants running, jumping and climbing their way through the challenging course. It is based on a Japanese show called Sasuke, which has already been a hit in the US and features what ITV describes as 'the toughest obstacle course ever seen on British television.' The broadcaster's commissioning editor for entertainment, Asif Zubairy, said: 'We are thrilled to be bringing Ninja Warrior to the UK. This exciting new format will showcase some inspirational achievements as well as hilarious mishaps on what promises to be the toughest course on TV.' The BBC's Total Wipeout, which relied on a similar blend of athletic ability and slapstick comedy, was dropped in 2012 after six series.

Rumours that the Waterloo 200 Committee, lead by the legend that is Major General Sir Evelyn Webb-Carter, will soon be producing yet another series of piss-poor TV adverts shown on the Discovery Channel in the afternoon, this one for a commemorative medal to celebrate the forthcoming forty first anniversary of ABBA winning the Eurovision Song Conext cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied.
Teletubbies creator Anne Wood has whinged that she is 'a bit sad' the hit 1990s children's show is being remade and that she will not be watching it. As if anybody actually gives a monkey's about trivia such as that. Wood told the Radio Times she is 'not a fan' of the trend for remaking old shows such as Dangermouse and Clangers. 'I'm a bit sad,' she whinged. 'It comes down to the times we're in: people feel safer remaking hits of the past rather than investing in something new.' Wood also produced hit show In the Night Garden. 'There are such a lot of programmes being remade and I just feel the children's television industry is worth more than that,' whinged Wood, whose new show Twirlywoos begins on CBeebies next week. 'It would be nice if more encouragement was given to new work.' Wood has been responsible for many of the UK's best-loved children's programmes and characters, including Roland Rat, Rosie & Jim and Brum. The original Teletubbies, starring Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po, ran on the BBC from 1997 to 2001. Wood no longer owns the rights to the hit series, which she co-created with Andrew Davenport, as she sold them in 2013 to help fund new programmes. One does, rather, wonder if that's the reason why she's 'a bit sad' about the revival than any artistic concerns. She suggested that she would not be watching the new series, which is due to be shown on CBeebies later this year, adding: 'I couldn't bring myself to. I have nothing against them, it might be brilliant. They tell me they've got the best producer possible on it, so that's a good sign. But how could I watch it? All my programmes are like my children. It's like seeing a child remade in somebody else's image. So good luck to them.' Oh Christ, cheer up you silly bloody drama queen, you sound like you've just lost a quid and found a penny. Wood's new show Twirlywoos - 'a situation comedy for three to four-year-olds' - features four bird-like creatures called Great BigHoo, Toodloo, Chickedy and Chick. It uses stop-frame animation rather than hand puppets or people dressed in suits and is unashamedly educational. 'Educational ideas were present in Teletubbies and In the Night Garden but much more subliminally,' said Wood. 'This show takes in the latest educational research and builds a comedy around it - whereas in the past I've just made a comedy and just by chance some of these ideas happened to be embedded within it.'

The BBC is 'in discussions' with the Football Association about how to make it easier to choose the most exciting FA Cup fixtures to show live. The broadcaster received criticism - by whingers, mainly from the West Yorkshire area - for not showing Bradford City's 2-0 victory over relegation-haunted Blnuderland in the fifth round last Sunday, electing instead to show Aston Villain's tie against relegation certainties Leicester. In a statement, the BBC's football editor, Mark Cole, wrote: 'As the game unfolded yesterday at Valley Parade, we shared the frustration of fans and would have loved to have been broadcasting the match live. It's everything the FA Cup and our new comprehensive coverage is about. We are speaking to the FA about whether we can change this in the future, but understand it's tricky for them. Clubs understandably want to get plans for ticketing, policing and fans in place without waiting for ten days for TV companies to confirm their selections. But we hope there's a middle ground where we can get a little more flexibility to ensure we have as much chance as possible of capturing Cup classics like yesterday.' The BBC and BT had to make their fifth-round selections before the outcome of the fourth-round replays, which included The Mackem Filth playing at Championship side Poor Bloody Fulham Haven't Got A Chance. If the decision could have been delayed until the fixtures were known for certain, the BBC insists it would have chosen Bradford's tie against that shower from T'Dark Place. Cole wrote: 'That's the only reason why Phil Parkinson's side didn't get a live match this time round. We had to weigh up the options and given Sunderland's recent form, thought it was a realistic possibility of the match being League One against a Championship side. In this case it wouldn't have been much of a shock whatever the result and the winners would be guaranteed a live quarter-final, as Reading have done by progressing at Derby. If Bradford definitely had a home tie against Premier League opposition we certainly would have chosen to have the match live on BBC1.' Bradford’s dramatic victory was, in the event, shown first on Sunday night's Match Of The Day. In what appears to be a specific  - and, rather amusing - punishment beating for their constant crass whinging, Bradford will not be featured live on the BBC in the sixth round, either. Their home tie against Championship side Reading will go out, instead, on BT Sport. That's what you get for shouting the odds at BBC Sport, lads. A short, sharp reminder that you need them a hell of a lot more than they need you.
HBO has commissioned two more series of Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, quashing - seemingly unfounded - rumours that the comedian would replace Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Oliver launched Last Week Tonight in 2014 after seven years as one of Stewart's colleagues on The Daily Show. He was mentioned as a possible new host after Stewart announced last week that he is to stand down later in the year. But, the new HBO deal means that Oliver will present thirty five episodes of Last Week Tonight per year in 2016 and 2017. The announcement comes three days after his late-night chat show won the Writers Guild of America award for best comedy and/or variety series. Hugely popular in the US, Oliver rose to fame after joining The Daily Show as its 'Senior British Correspondent' in 2006. In 2013, he stood in for Stewart for eight weeks while the host was shooting a film. Oliver received many positive reviews, with some critics suggesting he should eventually succeed Stewart. Other possible contenders to replace Stewart include Tina Fey, Jessica Williams and Amy Poehler. 'We are incredibly proud to have John as part of the HBO family,' HBO president Michael Lombardo said. 'His unique ability to deliver socially significant commentary week after week, along with his innate comedic brilliance, puts John in a class by himself.' In the first season of Last Week Tonight, which ended last November, Oliver covered topics including net neutrality, Uganda's anti-LGBT laws, Miss America, climate change, FIFA corruption and civil forfeiture abuse by the police. The second series of thirty five episodes began earlier this month. The show is produced by the US arm of Britain's Avalon Television, and is broadcast on Sky Atlantic in the UK.
A Sun reporter has claimed to the Gruniad Morning Star that he felt 'sick' after well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks contacted him to 'give him tips' on how to get through a criminal trial he faced over an e-mail sent while she was editor of the paper. Well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks, who was cleared of phone-hacking and making corrupt payment charges after a marathon trial last year, allegedly told John Troup that he was 'in her thoughts' and, he claims, she gave him 'advice' on how to get over the shock of his trial. Troup said it was 'particularly winceworthy' given that he was charged because of a decision by the paper's publisher to hand over internal Sun e-mails to the Metropolitan police. The paper's former East Anglia district reporter was acquitted of a single charge based on one e-mail that appeared to link him to a payment request for a prison officer at White HMP Whitemoor in 2007. It was, apparently, for a four-paragraph story in 2007 about a prisoner suicide but it transpired during the trial that Troup didn't write the story in question. Troup claimed, bitterly, that well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks 'did not show any interest' when he was 'dumped' after nineteen years on the paper, working on major stories including the Fred and Rosemary West murders. Well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks was editor of the tabloid between 2003 and 2009 and was chief executive of News International when Troup was made redundant. 'Brooks? I don't remember hearing anything after I was made redundant,' he whinged. 'But, she sent me an e-mail along with some of my other co-defendants at the beginning of the trial telling me how I should approach the whole thing, how I was in her thoughts and then sent another one at the end telling me how delighted she was for me. It made me feel a bit sick to be honest,' Troup told Rom Latchem in an interview on the Internet station Fubar Radio. During the trial, one of Troup's co-defendants accused the Sun's publisher, News International, of being 'a copper's nark' by handing over millions of internal e-mails at the Sun in order to 'save the skin' of senior staff. Troup claimed that the charges were 'particularly galling' as he had been made redundant in 2010 by the Sun and was then sacked by the local council he was working for before having a chance to prove himself innocent. 'A lot of the evidence that came out at my trial was these payments had been signed off by people at editor level. People who appeared to have been exempt from the whole process of passing on info from the Management Standards Committee to the Met police,' Troup said. He added that he was 'stunned' to find himself under investigation – it transpired during the trial he had not even written the story at the centre of the case. He recalled how he received a call out of the blue from Metropolitan police detectives in 2013. 'I racked my brains to think if there was anything I might have a problem with and couldn't think of anything so I was quite stunned to be told the police wanted to speak to me. I, personally, have never done anything morally questionable,' he claimed. He said that he felt 'a sense of betrayal having run through brick walls for him for the best part of nineteen years' for the paper and that it was 'very difficult' to reconcile his and others' loyalty to the paper with the realisation that they had subsequently 'had been ratted out in the worst possible way.' He told how he was 'frogmarched' out of Uttlesford District council when he was charged in 2013, plunging him into 'a perilous financial state' as he faced a possible six-figure legal bill for his trial. 'I was summoned to a disciplinary meeting a couple of weeks later, but not before I had a call from the borough solicitor telling me that the disciplinary hearing I had been summoned to was likely to go against me and I might want to "consider my position." I said "what do you mean consider the position?" He said: "you might want to consider resigning." I said "I'm not resigning, I haven't done anything wrong." Looking back at it, it was a fairly cynical way to get me to forego any holiday pay and sick pay I night have been owed. But, I had my day in court, if you like. I had my disciplinary hearing, stated my case, based on the fact that everyone should be considered innocent until proven guilty, but they saw otherwise and I was dismissed.' Initially, the Sun did not cover his legal fees, but after the intervention of the new editor, David Dinsmore, the organisation decided to cover do so. Troup said that he 'found it difficult' to rely on billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch for funding. And we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for him? You were happy enough to take Uncle Rupert's shilling for all those years, mate, you should've known what to expect. Whilst on bail Troup made ends meet by working as a labourer on building sites and in a butcher's shop in Norfolk. Troup says that despite the 'nightmare' of the trial, he would like to work for a police force. 'Bizarrely, I'd still love to do a job in the communications team for a police force, not the Metropolitan police, they can go and whistle as far as I'm concerned,' he said. 'If I apply for a job, they would have to give me an interview but whether they'd give me a job or not? It's a shame because I really do believe in what the police do,' he said.

Meanwhile, the jury in a trial at the Old Bailey have been ordered not to watch a BBC documentary on the royal family's relations with the media amid concerns it could prejudice a fair trial of the Sun's royal editor. In a written direction Mr Justice Saunders told jurors not to watch the programme, not to discuss it with friends, or to read any commentary in the paper. To do so, he said, could be 'contempt of court' which could 'result in a fine or imprisonment.' He told jurors that the programme 'deals with relations between the royal family and the press. Those relations play some part in this trial. It would be quite wrong if you were to take into account anything which was said on that programme when deciding this case. It will not have been considered in court,' he said. 'People who express a view in the programme could not be challenged on the view that they express. To avoid any risk of influencing your verdict you are not to watch it,' he said. The two-part documentary, Reinventing The Royals, has been promoted as an investigation into the twenty-year battle between the royals and the media, looking at their 'personal privacy and public image.' Mr Justice Saunders said he was 'concerned' that commentary in the programme could prejudice the trial of Duncan Larcombe and his co-defendants, a Sandhurst officer and his wife. Larcombe has been very accused of plotting together with the couple to cause misconduct in public officer in connection with alleged payments for stories about the royals. Opening his case, Richard Kovalevsky QC, told jurors that Larcombe had 'a moral code' which he 'applies strictly' in relation to reporting on the royal family. 'In my own view I don't think I have done anything wrong and I am still have yet to be convinced why I'm sitting here,' said Larcombe. He said that he believed the public had 'a right to know' about the lives of the second and third in line to the throne but there were limits which the Sun respected. 'Anytime I was asked to back off, I did. I have left countries.' He recalled how he was once asked to leave an island off Mozambique where Prince Harry was holidaying with his then girlfriend, Chelsy Davy. Larcombe had spent three hours making the journey to the island on a fishing boat and turned up 'looking like Robinson Crusoe.' Standing on the shore was Prince Harry's royal protection officer, Chris Tarr, whom Larcombe had met previously. Larcombe told jurors that he asked Tarr if he could get a ride back to the mainland in the hotel plane. 'Tarr started to laugh and said "can you help me? Do you know someone called Sarah Arnold from the News of the World?''What's the problem?' asked Larcombe. 'She's sitting over at the bar,' replied Tarr. 'She's here with the photographer and pretending to be on honeymoon, could you just have a quiet word with them and maybe they could go back to the mainland with you,' he said. Larcombe said that he 'felt awkward' but approached Arnold, who he knew, and told her: 'I have been asked to to mark your card that you're not on honeymoon.' He said that he got 'a very strange reaction.' She told him: 'I don't know that your talking about. This is my new husband.''I thought she had been drinking the seawater to be honest,' said Larcombe. He returned to the mainland and said that he thought the Scum of the World reporter later regretted that she didn't too. Larcombe told jurors of another incident in which the Sun handed photos of Prince William and Kate Middleton 'snatched' while they were on holiday in Mustique back to Clarence House. The photos, which he described as 'very intimate' were 'incredible.' The seller was looking for twenty five thousand smackers, but they could have been worth five hundred thousand, claimed Larcombe. The newsdesk had asked Larcombe to 'check out the source' of the photos but 'alarm bells started ringing' after he spoke to the man who had phoned the paper. 'He didn't sound like an Old Etonian who had been holidaying on the island,' said Larcombe. The paper quickly realised the photos, on a memory stick, did not belong to him and handed them to the prince. Later it transpired they had been stolen from Pippa Middelton's handbag, jurors were told. Larcombe said he 'stood by every single one' of the stories he had written during his time at the Sun and claimed that he followed a strict code of practice to ensure he didn't invade the princes' privacy. 'There aren't any official rules, but it's about building a relationship with them, they know they are going to be photographed, but also it’s about not being followed everywhere and having their lives ruined,' said Larcombe. He met the princes on many occasions and explained that on royal tours Prince William would join the press for a pre-arranged drink. He said that he joined his first paper a week before Princess Diana died and was 'acutely aware' of the press complaints commission code being updated to give the princes a media-free childhood that lasted until they finished their education. When he became royal editor of the Sun Prince William had just finished at St Andrews university and Prince Harry had finished school and was about to go to Sandhurst. Larcombe said this was 'a blank canvas' for the press as the PCC code had not been updated to account for the new era of princes in their adulthood. Larcombe recalled the 'intense interest' the paparazzi were taking in Middleton when she was dating Prince William and had seen her 'absolutely surrounded' by press and TV cameras on the street outside her flat on the day of her birthday. He said this 'heightened concerns' that there may be another Diana-style 'tunnel incident' and he suggested to his then editor well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks that they should embargo all photographs of Middleton which had been taken when she was not with William and his royal protection officers. 'I sensed very quickly that William and Harry hated the paparazzi. I thought the way they were being treated, there was real danger that in my view after this seven-year period [of press-free living] there was a fear … that because there were no proper guidelines, the fear was there could be another tunnel incident where the paparazzi can just chase them all round the world, hound them without any limits,' said Larcombe. He claimed that well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks 'needed no persuading' to agree a self-imposed ban on paparazzi shots and the company announced it had 'banned' the use of all photos of Middleton taken while she was on her own, in all its titles. Larcombe has been extremely charged with conspiring to cause misconduct in public office along with three other senior Sun journalists. They all deny the charges. The trial continues.

Blood on the seats, vomiting in the aisles, a geet rive-on with kids getting sparked and all sorts and a man, allegedly, being 'glassed' by three women. No, it's not some kind of post-apocalyptic horror movie, but rather the first Valentine's Day screening of Fifty Shades Of Grey at a cinema in Glasgow. The man was, allegedly, 'attacked' by the group of women when he asked them to stop talking during the movie at the Grosvenor cinema in the city's West End. Michael Bolton was at the film adaptation of the EL James bestseller with wife Yvonne. He snitched to the Daily Record: 'Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theatre and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting.' Mind you, given the subject matter of that particular movie, the handcuffs and the weeping could be seen as the end of a damn good night out. 'The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed,' claimed Bolton. 'It's a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema. This type of behaviour happens at pubs and nightclubs – but you don't expect that at a cinema.' Another, anonymous, alleged witness allegedly added: 'There were also several incredibly drunk women vomiting in the aisle and corridor and several complaints from the other screen about drunk and rowdy folk.' Police called to the cinema said that they had arrested three women for disorder and breach of the peace. The victim, who had gone to watch the film with his girlfriend, was reported to be 'not seriously injured', had not been 'glassed' (so, the woman who told Michael Bolton what happened, seemingly, lied) and didn't need any further treatment.
A Booking.com advert has been cleared by the Advertising Standards Authority following a number of hilarious complaints. The advert in question featured a voice-over used the word 'booking' in sentences such as: 'It doesn't get any booking better than this.' The ASA received two thousand three hundred and forty five whinges - all, seemingly, from rank glakes with nothing better to do with their time than whinge about trivial crap like this - about the cinema and television ads, with the majority of complaints believing the word 'booking' had been used in place of a bad naughty swear word. 'Fucking' to be precise. Some whingers also reported seeing the commercial during children's programming, or before a screening of a film such as Paddington and 'questioned the appropriateness.' However, the ASA did not uphold any of the complaints and said: 'The ASA acknowledged complainants' concerns that the substitution of the word "booking" could encourage children to swear. However, we considered "booking" was sufficiently dissimilar to "fucking" to be unlikely to be recognised as a reference to a swear word by those who were not already familiar with the word or associated phrases and, therefore, considered that children would infer that the term was being used as a reference to the advertiser's brand name.'
The former chief political commentator of the Daily Torygraph has called for an independent review of the newspaper's guidelines over its coverage of the HSBC tax scandal. Peter Oborne, who has resigned, claimed prominence was not given to the HSBC story 'because of commercial interests.' He told the BBC that an assessment of the relationship between advertising and editorial was needed. The paper said his earlier statement was 'full of inaccuracy and innuendo.' In a lengthy statement published on the Open Democracy website on Tuesday, Oborne - whose writing this blogger had always rather admired even if his politics stinks - explained he had already resigned from the paper 'as a matter of conscience' because of 'a number of its editorial decisions.' Oborne said last week's BBC Panorama investigation into HSBC was 'hardly mentioned' in the Torygraph compared to other papers where it got 'enormous play.' Speaking to the BBC, he urged the paper to explain itself and its editorial judgement. He said: 'The Telegraph must now call an independent review. It can't be done by the chief executive, he has been running the show, we need an independent outsider to come in and do a full assessment of the relationship between advertising and editorial. A fraud is being perpetrated on Telegraph readers who buy the paper expecting to get the news and instead get something that gives the impression it is vetted by the advertising department.' A Torygraph spokesman poo-pah'd the very suggestion and said that the 'distinction between advertising and our award-winning editorial operation has always been fundamental to our business.' Whatever the fek that means. They added: 'We utterly refute any allegation to the contrary. It is a matter of huge regret that Peter Oborne, for nearly five years a contributor to the Telegraph, should have launched such an astonishing and unfounded attack, full of inaccuracy and innuendo, on his own paper.' Meanwhile, the Gruniad Morning Star - the Torygraph's biggest market rival, interestingly - has claimed that HSBC put its advertising account with the newspaper 'on pause' during negotiations over last week's stories about the Swiss banking arm. Oborne claimed the bank needed to explain this, adding: 'There is a pattern developing here that when HSBC is being investigated the advertising dries up. They need to explain why they suspended their advertising in the Guardian last week and in the Telegraph three years ago.' Other Torygraph journalists have also reportedly snitched to the Gruniad and to the BBC's Newsnight that they 'felt discouraged' from writing 'uncomfortable' stories about a range of advertisers and commercial partners. These included the governments of Russia and China, a film distributor and RBS. The Torygraph refused to comment on the issues raised by Newsnight, but denied that advertising had 'affected' articles. More than a dozen current and recent Torygraph journalists have confirmed Oborne's concerns that the newspaper has 'a particular problem' maintaining the 'Chinese walls' that most newspapers manage to keep between their advertising departments and the work of their journalists. In one case highlighted by the BBC, the review for children's film Despicable Me 2 was bumped up from a two-star rating to three stars allegedly 'for commercial reasons.' The film's distributors had bought extensive advertising in the newspaper in the run-up to its launch, it was claimed.
A trainee plumber is suing an actor from the TV series Shameless over brain damage and partial blindness he suffered in a row over a mobile phone. Oliver Flint 'suffered grave injuries' after being thrown from the bonnet of a BMW driven by Elliott Tittensor, the High Court heard. The pair clashed outside a McDonald's in Kentish Town in 2010. Tittensor, of Greater Manchester, denies wrongdoing and is defending the claim for more than three hundred grand damages. A row erupted on 15 August 2010 when the then eighteen-year-old Flint's mobile phone battery ran out. He approached Tittensor - who played Carl Gallagher in Channel Four's Shameless - who refused to let him borrow his own handset, Flint's barrister Andrew Roy told the court. Roy told Mr Justice Edis that the actor swore at Flint after being asked to loan his phone for the second time. When the plumber 'responded by swearing back and slamming his hand on the car bonnet', Tittensor 'drove forward' and 'hit Mr Flint with the front of his car', the barrister said. William Norris QC, defending, denied his client was in any way to blame for Flint's injuries. He insisted that the plumber was 'wholly the author of his own misfortune', having 'accosted' the actor's then girlfriend, Skins star Kaya Scodelario. 'He was drunk and he stood in front of his car and tried to prevent him driving off, banging on the bonnet, then climbing on to it and attacking the windscreen,' Norris told the judge. Following the row, Tittensor, from Heywood, was fined seven hundred and fifty quid and given six penalty points by Highbury Magistrates' Court. He admitted driving without insurance, his policy having expired the previous month. But Flint, now twenty two, of Balmore Street, Archway, wants the actor to cough up damages for 'unlawful battery', claiming that Tittensor 'attacked him with his car before fleeing the scene', leaving him badly injured. Tittensor says he was 'acting in lawful self-defence.'
A music museum in Coventry is set to expand after attracting over four thousand visitors in a year. The museum in The 2-Tone Village said that it will create three more galleries dedicated to local music. The museum, which opened on Ball Hill in 2013, charts the area's musical past with exhibits from bands like The Specials and The Selecter. It said that the new areas of the museum will open in an adjoining premises in the spring. Much of the memorabilia on show has been donated by local people. Exhibits include the original master tapes from The Specials' first recording session and a platinum disc awarded to The Moody Blues. Financial director Julie Chambers said the museum's first year had been 'an astounding success. We expected to be in this position in possibly year three, but opportunities arose and we are looking at more great gallery space,' she said. 'It's very exciting.'
A mysterious haze high above Mars has left scientists baffled. The vast plume was initially spotted by amateur astronomers in 2012, and appeared twice before vanishing. Scientists have now analysed the images and say that say the formation, stretching for more than one thousand kilometres, is larger than any seen before. Writing in the journal Nature, the researchers believe that the plume could be a large cloud or an exceptionally bright aurora. However, they are unsure how these could have formed in the thin upper reaches of the Martian atmosphere. 'It raises more questions than answers,' said Antonio Garcia Munoz, a planetary scientist from the European Space Agency. Around the world, a network of amateur astronomers keep their telescopes trained on the Red Planet. They first spotted the plume in March 2012 above Mars's southern hemisphere. Damian Peach was one of the first stargazers to capture images of the phenomenon. He told the BBC News website: 'I noticed this projection sticking out of the side of the planet. To begin with, I thought there was a problem with the telescope or camera. But as I checked more of the images, I realised it was a real feature - and it was quite a surprise.' The vast, bright haze lasted for about ten days. A month later, it reappeared for the same length of time. But it has not been seen since. An international team of scientists has now confirmed the finding, but they are struggling to find an explanation. One theory is that the plume is a cloud of carbon dioxide or water particles. 'We know there are clouds on Mars, but clouds, up to this point, have been observed up to an altitude of one hundred kilometres,' Doctor Garcia Munoz said. 'And we are reporting a plume at two hundred kilometres, so it is significantly different. At two hundred kilometres, we shouldn't see any clouds, the atmosphere is too thin - so the fact we see it for twenty days in total is quite surprising.' Another explanation is that this is a Martian version of the northern or southern lights. Doctor Garcia Munoz explained: 'We know in this region on Mars, there have been auroras reported before. But the intensities we are reporting are much much higher than any auroras seen before on Mars or on Earth. It would be one thousand times stronger than the strongest aurora and it is difficult to come to terms that Mars has such an intense aurora.' If either of these theories are correct, he said, it would mean our understanding of Mars's upper atmosphere is wrong. He hopes that by publishing the paper, other scientists might also come up with potential explanations. If they cannot, astronomers will have to wait for the plumes to return.

An alien star passed through our Solar System just seventy thousand years ago, astronomers have claimed. No other star is known to have approached this close to Earth. An international team of researchers say the star came five times closer than our current nearest neighbour - Proxima Centauri. The object, a red dwarf known as Scholz's star, cruised through the outer reaches of the Solar System - a region known as the Oort Cloud. Scholz's star was not alone; it was accompanied on its travels by an object known as a brown dwarf. These are essentially failed stars which lacked the necessary mass to get fusion going in their cores. The findings are published in Astrophysical Journal Letters. Observations of the dim star's trajectory suggest that seventy thousand years ago this cosmic infiltrator passed within 0.8 light years of our Sun. By comparison, Proxima Centauri is over four light years away. In the paper, astronomers led by Eric Mamajek at the University of Rochester, say they are 'ninety eight per cent' certain that Scholz's star travelled through what is known as the 'outer Oort Cloud' - a region at the very edge of the Solar System filled with trillions of comets a mile or more across. This region is like a spherical shell around the Solar System and may extend out to as much as one hundred thousand Astronomical Units (one AU is the distance between the Earth and the Sun). The Oort Cloud is thought to give rise to long-period comets which can swing past the Sun when their orbits are disturbed. To determine the trajectory of the star, the researchers needed two pieces of information: the change in distance from the Sun to the star (its radial velocity) and the star's motion across the sky (its tangential velocity). Scholz's star currently lies twenty light years away. But it showed very slow tangential motion for a star this close. This indicated that it was either moving away from us or towards a future close encounter with the Solar System. The radial velocity measurements confirmed that the binary star system was actually speeding away from us. By tracing its movements back in time, they found its close shave with the Sun occurred some seventy thousand years ago. A star passing through the Oort Cloud could potentially play gravitational havoc with the orbits of comets there, sending them on trajectories into the inner Solar System. But Doctor Mamajek believes the effects of Scholz's star on our cosmic neighbourhood were 'negligible. There are trillions of comets in the Oort cloud and likely some of them were perturbed by this object,' he told BBC News. 'But so far it seems unlikely that this star actually triggered a significant "comet shower."' The effect of a passing star on the Oort Cloud is a function of the star's mass, speed and proximity. The worst case scenario for stirring up comets would be a slow-moving, massive star that came close to the Sun. Scholz's star came relatively close, but the binary system has a low mass and it was speeding by. These factors conspired to make its effect on the Oort Cloud very small. While this is the closest fly-by detected so far, Doctor Mamajek thinks it is not uncommon for alien stars to 'buzz' the Sun. He says that a star probably passes through the Oort Cloud every one hundred thousand years. But, he suggests an approach as close - or closer - than that made by Scholz's star is somewhat rarer. Mathematical simulations show such an event occurs on average about once every nine million years. 'So it is a bit of a strange coincidence that we happen to have caught one that passed so close within the past one hundred thousand years or so,' he said.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping decided to treat his very self on Tuesday evening to a takeaway from the local Cantonese. He went for dry and spicy deep fried salt and chilli pepper king prawn. Now, let it be noted at this point that yer actual Keith Telly Topping likes nowt more than a good spicy Chinese meal with plenty of eye-watering oomphf to it. Well, allow him to slightly qualify that statement, he likes nowt more than a good spicy Chinese meal with plenty of eye-watering oomphf to it up to and including the 'crikey, that's got a hell of kick to it, I'll be having that again,' level. The next level after that - which is, basically, 'I CAN SEE THROUGH TIME!!!!!' - is, perhaps, not so appreciated at Stately Telly Topping Manor. So, anyway, this blogger will let you all know when his eyes have stopped watering, dear blog reader. I'm guessing it'll be sometime around the weekend. The whole situation reminded yer actual Keith Telly Topping of a time when he went out for a Friday night on the Quay with some of the lads from work during in the 1980s and we all ended up in the Simla on Dean Street. Keith Telly Topping's old mate Mickey went off on one of his 'Oi! Gunga Din! Giz a one them, giz a one of them ... ah divvent knaa what it's called but it's the hottest one y've got!' routines. That turned out to be a perfectly lethal chicken Phal which looked, and this blogger is being perfectly serious when he says this, like Vesuvius mid-eruption. A bunch of the waiters were hanging around the bar sniggering and taking bets on how many mouthfuls Mick would manage to force down his neck before he needed medical assistance. Fair play to the lad, mind, he did finish it. Christ only knows what his bottom looked like the next morning, though. Japanese flag on the netty roll one imagines.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, Elmore James's got nothing on this boy.

Filming has continued on the Doctor Who series nine this week. Neither Peter Capaldi or Jenna Coleman were, seemingly, on location for Friday's filming. Instead, a short scene was filmed with Jenna's stunt doubles (both male and female) standing in. Earlier in the week Jenna was spotted filming scenes at Tonyrefail School, which is once again standing in as Coal Hill School.
And, speaking of location filming, here's another snap of Martin Freeman on the recently completed Sherlock special shoot. Sans'tashce, an'all.
Now. dear blog readers who are all of an anti-spoilers disposition should be well aware, the latest From The North blog update includes some. So, if you don't want to know the score, look away now.

Anyway, dear blog reader. Just in case you hadn't heard ...
More than ten million people tuned in to watch EastEnders' latest murder mystery storyline reach its climax on Thursday, with viewers finally learning who killed Lucy Beale. After a long-running storyline and fevered guessing, in a twist that seemed to have been, ahem, 'informed' - lock, stock and two smoking, as it were - by The Simpsons'Who Shot Mister Burns? Lucy's young brother, Bobby, was revealed as the dirty rotten killer. The eleven-year-old was found by his stepmother, Jane, clutching what appeared to be the weapon used in the grizzly crime. And, for one American teenager who happened to share a name with the character of the murderer, this was a sudden, and unexpected, opportunity for publicity which she eagerly grabbed with both hands. Wait till she finds out what Blackadder II made of girls called Bob. Anyway, the first episode of the two-parter, shown from 7:30pm, reached a peak overnight audience of 11.9 million viewers. The peak for the second episode at 9:30pm, which featured the actual murderer his very self being actually unmasked, had an overnight peak of 11.2 million punters. The first of two episodes, in which it was suggested that Jane her very self might have been the killer, had an overnight average audience of 10.8 million. But in the lengthy flashback episode which followed, returning to the night in 2014 when Lucy was done to death, it was revealed that Jane had only discovered her stepdaughter's body and that Bobby was the one what done the dirty deed. An average 10.3 million overnight punters stayed with soap for the revelation. Standing in the front room of their house, Bobby told Jane: 'Whatever she says, she started it. She made everyone unhappy.' One of the biggest talking points of the night, was the return of Ian Beale's mum Kathy (played by Gillian Taylforth), who had been thought to be dead for more than a decade after a car crash in South Africa.
Death In Paradise enjoyed a ratings boost on EastEnders' thirtieth anniversary night (in which Bob dun it), according to overnight figures. The popular Caribbean drama brought in 7.08 million viewers for BBC1 at 9pm to be the most watched show of the night behind EastEnders. Later in the evening, Question Time interested 3.01m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, The Great British Sewing Bee continued with 2.13m at 8pm, before the much-delayed documentary Reinventing The Royals appealed to 1.78m at 9pm and Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe gathered nine hundred and sixty thousand punters at 10pm. ITV's coverage of the Europa League match between the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Besiktas averaged 3.31m between 7.45pm and 10.15pm whilst most of the rest of the country was watching Bob doin' it on EastEnders. On Channel Four, the latest episode of Location, Location, Location had an audience of 1.23m at 8pm, while Cucumber lost a further two hundred thousand viewers week-on-week being watched by a mere three hundred and fifty thousand punters at 9pm. My Tattoo Addiction had seven hundred and ten thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Benefits Britain: Life On The Dole attracted six hundred and ninety seven thousand at 8pm and Britain's Biggest Primary School was watched by six hundred and forty two thousand at 9pm. The new season of The Mentalist continued with six hundred and twenty seven thousand at 10pm. On BBC3, Bangkok Airport brought in six hundred and forty thousand at 9pm. Sky Atlantic's latest episode of Fortitude had a slightly increased audience of four hundred and forty nine thousand at 9pm.
The BBC has revealed that it received four whinges that the broadcaster 'misled'EastEnders fans by giving 'false information' about suspects in the lead-up up to Thursday's 'Who Killed Lucy?' reveal. The bastards. How very dare they? Ofcom also stated that it had been sent five further complaints about the storyline, one of them over the fact there was no helpline available 'for those affected.' Affected by what, exactly, they didn't specify. Being murdered by your eleven year old brother, possibly. Just guessing. The Daily Record reports that the watchdog would 'evaluate' these whinges before judging whether to investigate further, not investigating further and then telling those who had whinged to fer Christ's sake grow the hell up and get a life. The on-screen revelations mark the end of a whodunit mystery which spanned ten months, beginning in April 2014 when Lucy's very dead body was found dumped on Walford Common.
Bear Grylls: Mission Survive opened to 2.91 million overnight viewers on Friday. The reality show, which sees eight z-list celebrities attempt to survive in the rain forests of Costa Rica, peaked with 2.98 million from 9pm on ITV. Earlier on in the evening, Barging Round Britain With John Sergeant was seen by an average audience of 2.6 million. The ONE Show was the evening's highest-rated show outside of soaps, attracting 3.83 million at 7pm. BBC1's evening continued with 3.37 million for A Question of Sport at 7.30pm, while The Musketeers played to 3.02 million. In-between EastEnders'Live Week went out on a high with the fallout from the reveal of Lucy's killer. The soap attracted 9.97m at 8pm on BBC1 as Jane reluctantly confirmed Bobby's guilt to the Beale family in a full live episode. After the main show, 6.45m watched EastEnders: Backstage Live, which featured immediate reaction from the soap's cast and crew. The companion show won the 8.30pm slot against ITV's Coronation Street which had a mere 5.03 million viewers, one of the lowest for an episode of Corrie in living memory. BBC1's evening ended with 2.94 million for The Graham Norton Show at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Antiques Road Trip kicked off the evening with 1.52 million at 7pm, followed by 1.93 million for Mastermind and 1.48 million for Food & Drink. Italy Unpacked continued with 1.28 million, while repeat of one of he best episodes of the last series of Qi attracted 1.18 million. Gogglebox continued to score impressive ratings for Channel Four. The latest episode was seen by 3.35 million at 9pm. It was sandwiched between The Million Pound Drop with nine hundred and twenty thousand and The Last Leg with 1.29 million. On Channel Five, NCIS: New Orleans and the terrestrial début of NCIS's series twelve premiere were seen by respective audiences of nine hundred and thirty one thousand and nine hundred and ninety nine thousand respectively.
The undoubted highlight of the EastEnders: Backstage Live show, presented by Zoe Ball - which, for those who didn't see it, was every single bit as awful and worthless as Ball's previous foray into twenty-four carat live TV catastropheDoctor Who Live: The After Party - occurred when the presenter was interviewing Adam Woodyatt. Many viewers, seemingly, were distracted by the fact that stood directly behind Zoe during the interview was a rather sinister-looking chap whom someone of no importance on Twitter dubbed 'The Creepy Man.'
Quite creepy, I'm sure you'll agree, dear blog reader.

After a few weeks where it seemed that ITV's fortunes on Saturday evening were, roughly, equivalent to that of Hartlepool United, the very welcome return to the channel of Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway premièred to more than six million overnight punters and provided one of the biggest sighs of relief ever heard coming from ITV's executive offices. In a year so far in which a series of twenty four carat ratings disasters such as Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes and Planet's Got Toilets have stank up ITV's Saturday night schedules like a large mound of rotting rancid diarrhoea and made their advertisers decidedly twitchy, yer actual Anthony and/or December and their moderately amusing cheeky-chappie-doon-the-Bigg-Market schtick drew an overnight audience of 6.17m from 7pm for their popular variety show's first episode of a new series. It was, remarkably, the first time in two months that an ITV Saturday night primetime programme had attracted an audience of more than four million viewers. Saturday Night Takeaway didn't top the night, BBC1's The Voice comfortably remained out in front although the overnight audience for the first of the signing competitions 'blind auditions' rounds of 6.75 million was a series low and a considerable fall (of nearly two million viewers) from the previous week's overnight figure. Comparing the figures to the equivalent week in 2014, Takeaway is, roughly, level but The Voice is down by around half-a-million overnight viewers. Otherwise it was, again, a broadly solid night for BBC1 with The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List and Casualty pulling in 4.78m and 4.67m respectively. Match Of The Day featuring yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies' shameful, embarrassing, indefensible and utterly cowardly'surrender before kick-off' at Sheikh Yer Man City, was watched by an audience of just under three million. On BBC2, How We Got To Now with Steven Johnson appealed to nine hundred and thirty seven thousand from 7.30pm. A Dad's Army repeat drew 1.63m and the excellent Reginald D Hunter's Songs Of The South had 1.42m. ITV's risible, hopeless Take Me Out was watched by 3.96m from 8.25pm, with The Jonathan Ross Show being seen by 2.35m afterwards. The finale of the wretched Planet's Got Toilets drew 2.82m. Channel Four's Homes By The Sea averaged six hundred and five thousand in the 7pm hour. The World's Weirdest Weather interested eight hundred and ninety thousand before an showing of Silver Linings Playbook attracted seven hundred and fifty nine thousand. On Channel Five, 9pm's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation continued with eight hundred and sixty six thousand. ITV3's Foyles War was the largest audience on multichannels with eight hundred and sixty thousand from 8pm.

The Casual Vacancy's second episode dropped by nearly two million overnight viewers from the previous week's opening part. BBC1's adaptation of JK Rowling's novel brought in an average 4.78m at 9pm. Earlier, Countryfile appealed to 7.65m at 7pm. Call The Midwife remained easily on top of the Sunday overnight ratings list with 8.63m at 8pm, around three hundred thousand less viewers than the previous week's episode. On BBC2, the latest Top Gear attracted 5.27m at 8pm. And, very amusing it was too, despite only featuring Olly Murs as the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car. That was followed by Dragons' Den with 2.77m at 9pm and Meet the UKiPers - the documentary about featuring a former councillor who was expelled from the party after making 'deeply racist' comments - with 1.32m at 10pm. ITV's Get Your Shit Together was finally put out of its misery with a spectacularly dreadful 2.51m at 7pm, while All Star Family Fortunes didn't do much better, attracting but 2.65m at 8.15pm. Mr Selfridge continued with 3.51m at 9pm. On Channel Four, their epic, fourteen million quid drama Indian Summers dropped seven hundred thousand of its overnight audience from the previous week's launch episode, averaging 1.88m at 9pm. Auction House brought in 1.03m at 8pm. Channel Five's showing of Top Gun saw seven hundred and fifty seven thousand punters acquiring the need for speed at 9pm.

Here's the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Four programmes for week-ending Sunday 15 February 2015:-
1 Call The Midwife - Sun BBC1 - 10.73m
2 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 10.10m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.86m
4 EastEnders - Tues BBC1 - 8.47m
5 Death In Paradise - Thurs BBC1 - 8.38m
6 Broadchurch - Mon ITV - 8.36m
7 The Casual Vacancy - Sun BBC1 - 8.26m
8 The Great Comic Relief Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 7.75m
9 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 7.75m
10 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 7.39m
11 Top Gear - Sun BBC2 - 6.28m
12 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 5.88m
13 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.84m
14 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.56m
15 Eat Well For Less - Thurs BBC1 - 5.29m
16 The National Lottery: Win Your Wish List - Sat BBC1 - 4.94m
17 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.93m
18 Indian Summers - Sun Channel Four - 4.82m
19 Six Nations Rugby: Ireland Versus France - Sat BBC1 - 4.68m
20 Midsomer Murders - Wed ITV - 4.67m*
21 Benidorm - Fri ITV - 4.60m*
22 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.46m
23 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.36m
24 Wolf Hall - Wed BBC2 - 4.29m
These figures do not include iPlayer or ITV Player viewers. ITV programmes marked '*' also don't include HD figures. Aside from Corrie; Broadchurch, Emmers, Midsomer Murders and Benidorm, no other ITV programme of the week achieved a consolidated audience of more than four million viewers (minus HD figures). Stinking lousy unfunny rubbish Birds Of A Feather was watched by 3.98m complete chebs whilst Mr Selfridge's audience dropped to 3.91m. Once again, neither of ITV's spectacular weekend flops, Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes or Get Your Shit Together, managed audiences of more than two-and-a-half million punters and neither made ITV's top thirty broadcasts of the week. All Star Family Fortunesdid, but only just (2.36m in thirtieth place). BBC2, enjoyed yet another good week. Their highest-rated programmes, apart from Top Gear and Wolf Hall, were University Challenge with 3.03 million, The Great British Sewing Bee (three million) and Dragon's Den (2.87 million). Only Connect drew 2.39 million, followed by Alaska: Earth's Frozen Kingdom (2.09m) and Alex Polizzi: The Fizer (2.08m). Indian Summers was, by miles, Channel Four's most watched programme of the week, followed by The Secret Life Of Four Year Olds (3.15m), Twenty Four Hours In A&E (2.50m) and Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown (2.22m). Channel Five's top-rated broadcasts were Benefits Britain: Life On The Dole (2.28m), and their trio of popular US imports, NCIS (1.72m), CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (1.61m) and The Mentalist (1.56m). Midsomer Murders was ITV3's most-watched programme with 1.14m viewers just ahead of Foyle's War (1.02m). The final two episode of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved Spiral drew BBC4's largest audiences of the week (eight hundred and seventy four thousand for the second and final episode and eight hundred and fifty four thousand for the first), with the excellent Digging For Britain being watched by six hundred and thirty four thousand and Shakespeare's Mother: The Secret Life attracting five hundred and fifty nine thousand. The FOX Channel's latest episode of The Waking Dead's fifth series had 1.16m viewers whilst NCIS's twelfth series continued (a few weeks ahead of Channel Five) with six hundred and ninety one thousand. The Universal Channel's most watched programme was Major Crimes with one hundred and ninety nine thousand. BBC3's weekly largest-rated list was topped by Waterloo Road (seven hundred and forty five thousand). A new episode of Bones was Sky Living's highest-rated show with eight hundred and twenty five thousand viewers. Sky Atlantic's third episode of the drama Fortitude drew 1.10 million viewers on Thursday (the following evening's repeat added a further one hundred and thirty five thousand). Sky 1's most watched programme was The Flash (1.28m), followed by new episodes of Arrow (nine hundred and ninety five thousand) and Hawaii Five-0 (eight hundred and ninety nine thousand). None of the UK TV channels (Dave, Drama, Yesterday et cetera), appear to have presented BARB with their figures for this week.

ITV is to revive fictional detective Maigret, with Rowan Atkinson playing the French crime solver. Atkinson will star in a pair of two-hour films - Maigret Sets A Trap and Maigret's Dead Man - both set in period 1950s' Paris. Stewart Harcourt will adapt Georges Simenon's novels for the screen. Atkinson said: 'I have been a devourer of the Maigret novels for many years and I'm very much looking forward to playing such an intriguing character, at work in Paris during a fascinating period in its history.' ITV's Director of Television Peter Fincham said: 'Maigret is a prestigious commission and we're delighted to be working with Maigret Productions, Ealing Studios and Rowan Atkinson, to bring these stories to screen for our viewers.' Before his death in 1989, Simenon wrote seventy five novels and twenty eight short stories featuring the laconic, pipe-smoking police detective Jules Maigret. The character has previously featured in a number of TV and radio adaptations, with perhaps the most famous being the BBC series of the early 1960s featuring the great Rupert Davies in the title role. More recently, Michael Gambon starred in a well-received Maigret series for ITV between 1992 and 1993. The two new Maigret films featuring Atkinson will go into production this September. Sounds very promising, that.
The Sunday Express has suggested that ITV 'may be ready' to commission a third series of Broadchurch. Which, given the fact that the drama is still pulling in consolidated ratings of seven million plus despite suffering from a concerted critical backlash (and, not an entirely undeserved one either, let it be noted), is hardly a surprise.

NCIS's Pauley Perrette has said that she cannot imagine ever leaving the series. Perrette - who has played the cult character of Abby Sciuto since the series began in 2003 - told the Digital Spy website that she has never contemplated quitting. 'I can't imagine a world without Abby in it,' she admitted. 'I don't think anybody else wants that world either. I mean, I'm certainly not going to be responsible for a world without Abby - I don't want that on my shoulders. Still, every day, I'm so grateful to have this job. Every time I get a new script, I can't wait to see what on Earth she's up to. People tell me constantly how much they love the character, and I say the same thing.'The actress also addressed the evolution of Abby's character, saying: 'I think it would let a lot of people down if we did [make] any drastic changes. The evolution of Abby is a very tricky thing because ... she's like an Anime, she really is like a cartoon character. When it comes to cartoon characters, you really don't want to see them change very much. If you take a comic book and you follow that same comic book to ten, fifteen, twenty years later, your character is pretty much the same and it's something that people feel so strongly about.' However, Perrette revealed that she is keen to see more of Abby's home life, which has mostly gone unexplored on NCIS. 'I've always wanted to see where Abby lives,' she said. 'We saw little Abby [in flashbacks] and Abby's childhood home. That would be interesting to me.' A number of Perrette's NCIS co-stars - including Michael Weatherly and Rocky Carroll - have also directed episodes of the popular long-running procedural series, but Perrette insisted that she has no desire to follow suit. 'Often some of the actors will direct, and somebody asked me if I wanted to direct NCIS and I said absolutely not,' she revealed. 'I'm so happy doing my job. I don't want to learn somebody else's job. I don't want to do anybody else's job. I want to go [on set], play Abby and really enjoy every single second of it.'
Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch's Hamlet will be screened live in cinemas. The production will be broadcast across the world on Thursday 15 October as part of National Theatre Live. On the cinema screenings, yer man Benny said: 'It's just a great way of making the play accessible.' Tickets for the screenings will go on sale on Friday 16 March, with more details available on the National Theatre Live website. Hamlet will begin performances at the Barbican Theatre in London on 5 August. Lyndsey Turner's production of the Shakespeare play will have its official opening night on 25 August, with its twelve-week run concluding on 31 October.
Yer actual Keith Telly Topping has been watching a lot of The Professionals over the last week or so as the first series of the legendarily awful ITV terrorism thriller is currently being repeated on ITV4 in the afternoons. What can I say, dear bog reader? It's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it. It must be said, though, that in places - maybe two or three times per episode on average - there will be something, a nicely shot action sequence, the odd line of dialogue or a quiet little introspective scene between Bodie and Doyle, seemingly specifically placed there for the sole purpose of reminding the viewer that the people making this show weren't complete idiots. However, there are times when such a theory becomes hard to justify. Case in point, the first series episode Stake Out shown on Friday of this week; a Dennis Spooner script, Pamela Stephenson playing a smack addict (and dental receptionist!) and the suggestion that the British military has, not only a Bomb Squad but, also a 'Nuclear Bomb Squad'! What's not to love you may wonder? Well, perhaps the fact that Tony Osoba's minor character - who is named, on-screen as 'Mark Taylor' - is, nevertheless, referred to on the end credits as 'Handsome Negro'. This was made in 1978, incidentally, not 1928.
When this blogger interviewed the very lovely Martin Shaw a few years ago when he was up in the area doing some episodes of George Gently, Keith Telly Topping left mentioning The Professionals right to the end because he knew what Martin's public reputation was like concerning the series. But, actually, in the event he was quite happy to chat about it. He said that he often used to read the scripts, roll his eyes, think of his bank balance and then just get on with it. But, he did have some fond memories of one or two of the directors he worked with - in particular, Douggie Camfield. Nevertheless, watching an episode like the risible When The Heat Cools Off earlier this week, it was amazing to think that Martin (and Lalla Ward, for that matter) actually had any sort of career after that nonsense.
And, still on the subject of television history ...
Renowned BBC broadcasters Huw Wheldon and Malcolm Muggeridge 'groped incontinently', it has been alleged in a new book about the corporation which also claims 'sexual harassment was routine' at the organisation in the 1970s and 1980s. BBC historian Jean Seaton makes the revelations - about, let us remember, two men who are now dead and can, therefore, not defend themselves against these allegations - in Pinkoes & Traitors: The BBC & The Nation 1974-1987, in which she writes that 'powerful men' at the corporation during this period 'abused their position' and one in a 'position of authority was known to 'proposition younger women, especially secretaries, for spanking sessions.' Of course normally, you have to pay good money for that sort of thing. Or, so they reckon. Anyway, having spoken with women who worked at the BBC at the time, Seaton says in her detailed account of some of the corporation's most 'difficult' years politically and socially that even 'the great Huw Wheldon and the apparently saintly Malcolm Muggeridge both groped incontinently.' Which, you can absolutely bet your last quid will be used by the BBC's many enemies in the Gruniad Morning Star and the Daily Scum Mail and the Torygraph and the Sun with their sick agendas to stir up trouble and create negative headlines about the BBC as it is now rather than as it was forty years ago. So, jolly well done there, Jean. Jolly well done, indeed. Wheldon, a D-day war hero and founder, in 1958, of the first TV arts programme Monitor, coined one of the phrases about the BBC which is still used today, about making 'the good popular and the popular good.' Muggeridge, a smug, self-righteous, sanctimonious prick, was a presenter and Roman Catholic journalist who, infamously, criticised Monty Python’s Life Of Brian in the BBC2 show Friday Night ... Saturday Morning without having actually seen it and who was big mates with Mary Whitehouse. Wheldon, who died in 1986, is commemorated in an annual Royal Television Society memorial lecture given in his name. Muggeridge, who served as a British soldier and spy during the second world war, died in 1990. Seaton told the Gruniad Morning Star: 'Huw Wheldon – a great public service broadcaster and Malcolm Muggeridge, the anguished voice of dissent of the time – were both gropers. Of course so were many other men in most other British institutions then. The term "sexual harassment" did not even exist to identify the problem until a bunch of academic feminists coined the term in 1974. Nothing excuses the behaviour, but the Middle Class, aspirant women who were transforming the BBC in the 1970s and 1980s were not damaged by it. Indeed they were on a crusade to stop it. They were confident well-educated young women feeling the reach of their power and loving every moment of the work they did in the BBC.' Seaton's book draws on previously unseen state and BBC papers, plus in-depth interviews. Although many women at the time of a BBC report in 1984 said they could 'cope with sexual harassment' the unnamed man 'in a position of authority' who propositioned women for naughty spanking 'changed women's attitudes', according to Seaton. A group of them complained to the BBC's head of personnel. According to Seaton, 'at first' senior BBC executive Brian Wenham 'dismissed the allegations as harmless' but when the group prepared to go to the BBC's governors, 'a compromise was found and the man was posted to a BBC job abroad with an expensive apartment in New York.' So, that should make him easy to identify, one imagines. Pinkoes & Traitors also claims that women working at the BBC found that 'men on the Today programme were "misogynist, courteous and patronising"' and that Robin Day, 'probably the greatest political interviewer of the period, was presenting World At One when [Joan] Bakewell was in the neighbouring PM office and said, "Tell me, Joan, when you interview men on your programme do they stare at your breasts?"'George Howard, who was the BBC chairman between 1980 and 1983 and, as was revealed in 2003, attempted to charge the BBC for what they believed was the use of a prostitute, also would 'demand "a pretty young journalist or producer" to sit next to' at dinners and was 'always touching up women', according to a secretary who worked at the BBC. Although the incidents happened many years ago, the culture and practices of the time at the BBC will be thrown into the spotlight due to the impending Dame Janet Smith Review, which was set up in 2012. While Smith is focused on the disgraced and disgraceful old scallywag and rotter Savile's sick and sordid activities – and, it is clear in Seaton's book that none of those she mentions were alleged to be child abusers – the terms of the reference of her review do 'consider whether the culture and practices within the BBC during the years of Jimmy Savile's employment enabled inappropriate sexual conduct to continue unchecked.' Wicked old bastard Savile himself is mentioned in Seaton's book but with reference to the fact that pretty much the only discussion about him within the BBC board of governors was how to ration his close personal friend Margaret Thatcher's appearances on his radio and television programmes. Other revelations in her book include the BBC keeping secret the fact that the then Lady Diana Spencer wept at the rehearsal for her wedding and that, in papers marked secret, the Labour government plotted to make the corporation part of general public sector expenditure and keep it on a tight leash through a licence fee that was renewed year-by-year and then month-by-month. The corporation also vetted staff extensively to counter accusations of 'treachery' from Thatcher and regularly swept the Director General and chairman’s offices for bugs.

Speaking of over-the-knee-spanky-spanky-malarkey, the final episode of Mel & Sue's Ratings Fiasco this week appeared to suggest that someone at ITV believes that's a perfectly acceptable example of late afternoon family entertainment. This blogger, he hastens to add, is not complaining, dear blog reader. Oh no, indeed, very much not. But one does have the rather depressing feeling that Ofcom - a politically appointed quango, elected by no one - will have been asked to 'investigate' this occurrence by some tight-arsed whinger.
And, lo, dear blog reader, an entire generation of British men - and more than a few women - 'of a certain age' who've had The Horn for those two ever since Late Lunch suddenly exploded. It's what they would have wanted.

From that load of old - faintly erotic - shenanigans, to this ...
FOX News anchor Bill O'Reilly falsely claimed to have reported from war zones and has made a series of exaggerated statements about his career, according to claims made in the Mother Jones magazine. The magazine accused O'Reilly of having 'his own Brian Williams problem', after the FOX News host was fiercely critical of NBC News anchor Williams, who was suspended for six months after he was found to have made exaggerated statements about his reporting. Mother Jones claimed that O'Reilly has described being under fire in 'war zones' in South America during the 1980s, when in fact he was miles away from any armed conflict. O'Reilly had 'repeatedly told his audience that he was a war correspondent during the Falklands war and that he experienced combat during that 1982 conflict,' said the magazine. But 'dramatic stories about his own war reporting ... don't withstand scrutiny' the magazine alleged, stating that O'Reilly had claimed to have behaved 'heroically in a war zone that he apparently never set foot in.'The Washington Post reports that in an interview, O'Reilly called the Mother Jones article a 'slander' (which it wasn't since it was printed rather than spoken and would, if untrue, be libel rather than slander) and labelled its co-author, the veteran reporter David Corn, as a liar and 'a guttersnipe.' In the interview, O'Reilly denied that he has ever stated he was in the Falklands. He said that he had been in Buenos Aires when Argentina surrendered and thousands of Argentinians stormed the presidential palace in anger over the capitulation. 'Troops fired at the crowd. I was in the middle of that carnage,' he said. 'In Argentina, I was in combat in the sense that bullets were being fired.' The Mother Jones claims come after NBC extremely suspended Williams for six months without pay after he claimed - among other exaggerations - that he 'came under fire' whilst flying in a US Army helicopter during the Iraq war in 2003. Williams has made other statements about his reporting experiences which appear to have been exaggerations. Williams's helicopter had not faced an attack, it was revealed, and he apologised to Iraq veterans saying that he had 'conflated' his memory of the event with that of another helicopter. The Mother Jones article alleges that in 2004 O'Reilly wrote a column about US soldiers fighting in Iraq, in which he said: 'Having survived a combat situation in Argentina during the Falklands war, I know that life-and-death decisions are made in a flash.' It also said that while talking about the Boston marathon bombing in 2013, O'Reilly said: 'I was in a situation one time, in a war zone in Argentina, in the Falklands, where my photographer got run down and then hit his head and was bleeding from the ear on the concrete. And the army was chasing us. I had to make a decision. And I dragged him off, but at the same time, I'm looking around and trying to do my job. But I figure I had to get this guy out of there because that was more important.' In his own account of his time in Argentina in his 2001 book The No Spin Zone, O'Reilly does not relate his 'war zone experience.' Instead, O'Reilly reported that he arrived in Buenos Aires soon before the Argentinian junta surrendered to British Forces. He does not state that he was on the Falkland Islands, which are three hundred miles off the Argentine shore and about twelve hundred miles south of Buenos Aires. Mother Jones also suggested that O'Reilly 'exaggerated the violence' he saw when reporting from El Salvador during its bloody civil war in 1982. O'Reilly stated in his book that he visited a village which had been 'leveled [sic] to the ground' and there was no one 'alive or dead.' But in a ninety-second report for CBS News, residents could be seen walking around amid a handful of burned-out structures. O'Reilly responded: 'Everything I reported was true.' Corn, the Mother Jones co-author, said that he had attempted to reach O'Reilly before publication of the story on several occasions. 'O'Reilly more than once said he was "in a war zone." But, the war was on an island. It was not in Buenos Aires. It's like saying you were in a war zone during the Viet'nam War because you were in Washington.'

Gypsy campaigners have extremely lost their high court challenge over Ofcom's handling of their complaint about Channel Four's Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Mr Justice Ouseley on Friday dismissed a judicial review brought against the media regulator by The Traveller Movement, a charity supporting three hundred thousand gypsies and travellers. At a hearing in London at the end of last year, its lawyers claimed that Ofcom 'unlawfully dismissed' its complaint in November 2013 after conducting a 'procedurally unfair' investigation into accusations that the Channel Four programmes gave 'a negative portrayal' of Traveller communities and 'confirmed social prejudices' in a way likely to 'cause harm to children in those communities.' The charity had claimed that the Channel Four broadcasts of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings and Thelma's Gypsy Girls had depicted children in a sexualised way and portrayed men and boys as 'feckless, violent and criminal.' Both series, but particularly Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, it alleged, 'strongly advanced' the 'untrue and highly damaging new racial stereotype' that the communities 'engaged in and endorsed violent sexual assaults of female children and young women'– grabbing– 'as a cultural norm.'But, Ofcom's counsel, Dinah Rose QC, told the judge that it was 'fully aware' of the sensitivity of potentially racially negative stereotypes and had conducted 'a careful and painstaking' investigation before concluding that the programmes did not breach the broadcasting code. Ultimately, it had concluded that Channel Four had not depicted such stereotypes but that the programmes were, in fact, 'a balanced portrayal' which 'offered considerable insight' into those communities, including the challenges they faced when dealing with such prejudice. Ofcom had 'examined in detail' the allegations about grabbing, sexualisation and the depiction of young men and boys and concluded that the programmes as broadcast did not perpetrate any such negative stereotypes and that the charity should quit their whinging. Rose said the campaigners' case in support of its bid to have the decision quashed was 'very narrow' and, significantly, there was no challenge to Ofcom's central findings. Adrienne Page QC, for Channel Four, said that there were no complaints from any of the participants in the programmes and Ofcom had found that the scenes were 'appropriately contextualised and justified.' The contextualising of the grabbing incidents had gone right to the top of the organisation and was the aspect which had received 'the most careful and intense consideration.' An Ofcom spokesperson said: 'The court has agreed that Ofcom thoroughly investigated the complaints made against Big Fat Gypsy Weddings and Thelma's Gypsy Girls. We are pleased our decision was upheld.'

A long-lost Sherlock Holmes short story has been rediscovered more than a hundred years after it was first published. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote the story, titled Sherlock Homes: Discovering The Border Burghs And, By Deduction, The Brig Bazaar, in 1904 to raise money for a bridge in Selkirk. It was unearthed by town resident Walter Elliot who discovered it under a pile of books in his attic. He believes it may have lain there for almost fifty years. The thirteen hundred-word story was printed in a forty eight-page book of short stories, Book O' The Brig. It was put together by locals to raise money to replace a bridge over the Ettrick River which had been destroyed by floods in 1902. Conan Doyle, who was a regular visitor to the area, agreed to contribute a story. In it Holmes deduces that John Watson is going on a trip to Selkirk. Okay it's not, perhaps, quite up there with the curious case of the dog in the night but, still ... Elliot, a retired woodcutter, found the pamphlet tied up with string while he was clearing out his attic. He says that he cannot remember buying the book and thinks he must have got it from a friend. 'It was a varied book with lots of bits and pieces and stories,' he told the Daily Scum Mail. 'I have no idea how many they made and sold. I've had this book for about forty or fifty years. Usually people would throw out these books or sell them off. It has been in my family for quite a while now. I have no idea if it has ever been published - I've never seen it. I've always been interested in history and my family has always passed on stories and I suppose this was one of the stories that was passed down. He really must have thought enough of the town to come down and take part and contribute a story to the book. It's a great little story,' he added. Conan Doyle wrote the story shortly after resurrecting Holmes in The Adventure Of The Empty House following his apparent fatal fall a decade earlier in The Final Problem. At the time, the author was seeking to become a Liberal Unionist MP in the Borders. he was also at the height of his sporting career having made his first class cricket debut for the MCC in 1899. The booklet will be going on show at the Cross Keys Pop-up Community Museum in Selkirk. Whether yer actual Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat his very self will be doing an adaptation of that for the next series of Sherlock is, at this time, unknown. But, it's be really cool if they did.

Two 'forgotten' Harold Pinter screenplays, which were never made into films, have been re-made as radio plays by the BBC. The first is based on a Joseph Conrad novel called Victory, written in 1982. It will be broadcast by Radio 4 on Sunday followed by another work, The Dreaming Child, next Saturday. The network's commissioner, Jeremy Howe, described the productions as being both 'utterly different' and 'a treat for listeners.'Victory will be produced by Sir Richard Eyre and stars Mark Strong, Simon Russell Beale and Bjarne Henriksen from cult Scandinavian TV serials The Killing and Borgen. It follows the disenchanted life of Heyst, a mysterious Swedish Baron living alone on a deserted Island in the Eighteenth Century Dutch East Indies. The second adaptation, based on a short story by Out Of Africa author Karen Blixen, stars Last Tango In Halifax's Anne Reid and Rose Leslie from Game Of Thrones. London-born Pinter, who won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 2005, died in 2008. He was most renowned for critically-acclaimed plays such as The Birthday Party and regular work writing screenplays including The Go-Between and The French Lieutenant's Woman. Radio 4 drama commissioner Howe said: 'It isn't often that you can announce the première of a script by the late great Harold Pinter, one of the leading dramatists of the Twentieth Century and then two come along, both wonderfully Pinteresque and both utterly different in tone and approach. This will be a treat for listeners.'

Football commentator Stan Collymore has been dropped by BT Sport from its coverage of this week's Scottish championship match between Raith Rovers and Glasgow Rangers. No jokes about their being 'dancing in the streets of Raith', please. The former Nottingham Forest, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and (very briefly) England striker revealed the decision on Twitter, claiming that it was 'better to be right than bury my head.' For a chap who once, allegedly, punched Ulrika Jonsson in a Parisian Bar and lost his job at 5Live after the Scum Of The World claimed he'd been involving in dogging, is a very high-minded stance and should be applauded. It follows yer man Collywobbles demand that Rangers' games should not be televised because of sectarian singing by a section of their fans, citing references in songs to 'Fenian blood'. Collymore wrote a series of tweets about the matter. One said: 'I can hold my head high and say I did the right thing to challenge hypocrisy amongst Rangers fans.' He urged his followers to show their support by signing a petition that calls for a boycott of the Glasgow club. How many actually did is not, at this time, known. A BT Sport spokesman, quoted by the Daily Mirra and the Gruniad Morning Star, suggested that Collymore had 'chosen the wrong forum' to discuss the issue, despite it being something which he, clearly, feels strongly about. The spokesman said: 'We did not agree with the nature of the debate on Twitter, which BT Sport was brought into without prior agreement. BT Sport does not agree with any form of racism and believes that it should not be tolerated in sport. It is a subject which should be tackled and discussed in the correct manner. BT Sport will raise and discuss the issue within its programming when relevant and in an appropriate manner.'

The Gruinad Morning Star's latest scummish anti-BBC shitehawk'exclusive' can be read here, the perfectly shocking revelation that the BBC uses taxis to get its guests to and from the studio. So, obviously no quite sick agenda going down there, then. The BBC's response, though, is excellent - a satisfying back-handed slap right across the chops of this insolent uppity waste-of-space smear. A BBC spokesperson said: 'More than a third of taxis are to get guests to and from our shows and Guardian journalists and columnists are happy to use them when they appear on our programmes.'Get in! So, stick that in her pipe and smoke it you hypocritical, Middle Class hippy Communist pond scum louse. One wonders, incidentally, how much did the Gruniad Morning Star paid for taxis and other transport costs in the last year. This blogger very much thinks that we should be told. In the interests of balance, if nothing else.
A Canadian MP has offered one of the most original excuses ever heard for leaving parliament in a hurry - his tight underpants. His cut-price and, as it turned out, overly tight keks made it difficult for him to sit through a one-by-one vote, opposition MP Pat Martin told the bewildered Speaker. But, he did made it back in time to cast his ballot. A Twitter storm about not very well briefed MPs formed shortly afterwards. Martin drew applause and laughter from the chamber when he explained his temporary absence. 'They had men's underwear on for half-price and I bought a bunch that was clearly too small for me. I find it difficult to sit for any length of time.' The speaker of the house said that he initially ordered Martin to sit back down when he wanted to leave. 'I did not understand his explanation at the time and I am not sure I understand it now', he said.
Is there anyone else of the opinion that, in life, some people just ask for everything they get? Case in point.

The most curious incident occurred on Sunday night at Stately Telly Topping Manor, dear blog reader. This blogger had gone to bed relatively early to watch a film (2001: A Space Odyssey, if you're taking notes). Around eleven o'clock, just as HAL9000 was going off his rocker with Dave, Keith Telly Topping heard an odd noise outside his gaff - a sort of strangled cry, it was - and had a quick look through the bedroom window thinking it might be a burglar. Imagine, therefore, his considerable surprise and not insignificant discombobulation to find himself looking at a chap, half-hidden in the shadows on a bit of rough ground next to the Stately Telly Topping Manor's garden. The chap in question had his strides down around his ankles and was, ahem, how can one put this delicately, 'strumming his banjo' up against the garden wall without a by-your-leave. Dear blog readers, incidentally, would not believe the number of euphemisms Keith Telly Topping juggled with before getting to that one. Indeed, 'juggling his euphemism'was one of those considered and rejected. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping considered banging on the window but, in the end, he left the bloke to it. There's little enough pleasure in life without me spoiling what appeared to be a blissful moment for him. Plus, when you've gotta go ... Or, indeed, in this case come ...

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has resisted the overwhelming urge to go for something Bob-related and, instead, selected a twenty four carat blues masterpiece.

Broadchurch's series finale was the drama's highest rated episode of 2015, according to overnight figures on Monday. The final episode of the ITV drama's second - critically less-acclaimed-than-the-first - run was watched by an overnight average of 7.62m at 9pm. Earlier, Wor Geet Canny Robson Green's More Tales From Northumberland featuring Wor Geet Canny Robson Green his very self, obviously, continued with 2.78m at 8pm. On BBC1, Inside Out gathered 3.42m at 7.30pm, before Children Of The Great Migration interested 2.13m at 8.30pm. A repeat of New Tricks - broadcast on the day that the long-running crime drama's cancellation was announced - attracted 2.66m punters at 9pm. BBC2's University Challenge was watched by 3.04m at 8pm, while Only Connect had an audience of by 2.57m at 8.30pm. A Cook Abroad averaged 1.52m at 9pm, before Vic and Bob's House of Fools continued with six hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. Channel Four's Food Unwrapped attracted 1.28m at 8.30pm, while NHS: Two Billion Pounds A Week And Counting interested eight hundred and twenty thousand at 9pm. Catastrophe continued with five hundred and forty thousand at 10pm. Police Interceptors brought in eight hundred and sixty three thousand for Channel Five at 8pm, while Benefits Britain: Life On The Dole continued with 1.79m at 9pm. Later, Ten Thousand BC was watched by seven hundred and fifty nine thousand at 10pm. On FOX, The Walking Dead had an overnight audience of at 9pm.

Broadchurch is to return for a third series, ITV has confirmed. After Monday's dramatic(ish) finale, it was confirmed that David Tennant and Olivia Colman would be reprising their roles as Alec Hardy and Ellie Miller. Chris Chibnall will be back to write series three, while additional casting will be announced at a later date. ITV's director of drama Steve November said: 'Chris Chibnall knows exactly how to keep viewers guessing and I'm delighted that he is going to take the story onto the next stage.' Chibnall added: 'We've been overwhelmed that nine million people every week have continued to join us on the twists and turns of Broadchurch. This third chapter has been a glint in my eye for a long time and I'm thrilled to be writing these characters once again.'
As mentioned above, New Tricks is to end after its upcoming twelfth series. The BBC said that it is bringing the long-running crime drama to an end 'to make room for new series', Broadcast reports. In a joint statement, BBC1 controller Charlotte Moore and BBC drama controller Ben Stephenson said: 'We are incredibly proud of New Tricks and would like to thank Roy Mitchell the brilliant creator, Wall to Wall and Headstrong and all the cast and teams involved across the twelve series. However, on BBC1, it's important to make room for new series and continue to increase the range of drama on the channel, so it won't be returning after the next series airs this summer.' Headstrong Pictures - who are producing the final series - added: 'For eleven series, New Tricks has been one of the most enduringly popular dramas on television and Wall to Wall and Headstrong Pictures are hugely proud of the success of the show. We are obviously sad to see it come to an end, but with the twelfth series currently in production for TX later this year we are pulling out all the stops to make it a rewarding finale for viewers.'New Tricks originally launched in 2003, with Amanda Redman playing Sandra Pullman, who heads up a squad of retired police officers investigating cold cases. Redman later departed the series, as did original co-stars Alun Armstrong and James Bolam, with series veteran Dennis Waterman also set to depart in the twelfth - now final - series. Denis Lawson, Nicholas Lyndhurst and Tamzin Outhwaite currently star in the procedural, with Larry Lamb replacing Waterman for the last episodes.
Channel Four's Immigration Street averaged 1.22 million viewers on Channel Four, according to overnight figures for Tuesday. The controversial programme - which has been the subject of protests from residents in the street it was filmed in - attracted an audience share of seven per cent at 10pm. Earlier, Mary Portas: Secret Shopper entertained 1.51m at 8pm, whilst The Romanians Are Coming averaged 1.28m at 9pm. ITV's live coverage of the Champions League match in which Sheikh Yer Man City got taught a footballing lesson by Barcelona topped the night outside soaps with 5.05m at 7.30pm. On BBC1, The Gift dropped another four hundred thousand viewers attracting 2.85m at 9pm. All Or Nothing was watched by 1.53m at 10.45pm. BBC2's Natural World interested 1.65m at 8pm, before Inside The Commons gathered 1.47m at 9pm and Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience continued with eight hundred and twenty thousand at 10pm. Costa Del Casualty brought in eight hundred and sixty six thousand for Channel Five at 8pm, whilst Killer Psychopaths was watched by seven hundred and twenty four thousand at 9pm. Ten Thousand BC continued with five hundred and eighty six thousand at 10pm.

ITV's coverage of The Brits bounced back from last year's record low with an audience of nearly five-and-a-half million overnight viewers. The annual music awards ceremony was watched by 5.25 million viewers from 8pm on Wednesday. Last year's audience was a joint low for the ceremony which also slipped to 4.6 million viewers in 2006. But it was still a long way short of its biggest recent audience of 7.3 million in 2003. The Brits, which saw Ant and/or Dec taking over hosting duties from odious unfunny drag James Cordon, was up against a Comic Relief themed night on BBC1, with just under six million people watching The Great Comic Relief Bake Off at 8pm (5.97m). Less popular was The People's Strictly For Comic Relief, which had 3.59 million viewers at 9pm. BBC2's acclaimed Hilary Mantel adaptation Wolf Hall came to the end of its six-part run with 2.33 million viewers, a ten per cent audience share, from 9pm. The drama, starring Mark Rylance and Damian Lewis, was BBC2's biggest overnight drama launch for a decade, since HBO co-production Rome, when it began with 3.9 million viewers last month (the episode's consolidated audience was a fraction under six million). Its overnight audience slipped by a million viewers the following week, to 2.9 million, but since then has remained fairly steady around the mid two million mark. Overall, it had an average overnight audience of 2.8 million across its entire run. Wanted In Paradise gathered nine hundred and twenty thousand at 7pm, before Suffragettes Forever interested eight hundred and ten thousand at 8pm. Up The Women continued - and, thank Christ for that - with four hundred and sixty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Four, The Restoration Man appealed to six hundred and twenty thousand at 8pm, while Twenty Four Hours in A&E brought in 1.58m at 9pm. Junk Food Kids: Who's to Blame? was watched by seven hundred thousand viewers at 10pm. GPs: Behind Closed Doors averaged 1.07m for Channel Five at 8pm, before Jack The Ripper attracted seven hundred and thirty six thousand at 9pm and Autopsy'entertained', if that's the right word 9which it isn't) five hundred and eleven thousand at 10pm.

Some viewers of BBC2's Wolf Hall adaptation - those with, seemingly, nothing better to do with their time than search for something to whinge about - were reportedly 'shocked' and 'stunned' to hear the word 'cunt' used in a recent episode. A total of twenty four members of the public filed whinges over the use of the word, asking whether it was 'really necessary' and 'won't somebody think of the children.' Probably. The scene in question was broadcast well after the 9pm watershed on Wednesday 18 February. The, ahem, 'cunting incident' as it were occurred during a discussion between courtiers about Henry VIII's  third wife, Jane Seymour (played by Kate Phillips). The king (Damian Lewis) spoke of his future bride, pondering: 'Does not Mistress Seymour have the tiniest hands?' After walking away, a courtier mocked him by saying: 'Does she not have the whitest throat?', before another added: 'Has she not got the wettest cunt you ever groped?' An Ofcom spokesperson stated that it had received a mere four whinges about the use of the word - although once the Daily Scum Mail picks up on the story and starts whinging about it, as is their way, one would expect that number to, perhaps, increase. The Ofcom person said: 'We will assess these complaints before deciding whether to investigate or not.' A further twenty people whinged directly to the BBC about what a right shite state of affairs this was and how it shouldn't be fekking allowed. Probably. A spokesman for the BBC told the Digital Spy website: 'Wolf Hall is broadcast after the watershed and the language in this powerful scene was taken from Hilary Mantel's original text.' The word 'cunt', of course, was not considered such an obscene term in earlier centuries and appears several times in the works of Geoffrey Chaucer. Who, by all accounts was a right one. A spokeswoman for King Henry VIII was unavailable for comment. Because she'd had her head removed.
The undoubted highlight of ITV's coverage of The Brits on Wednesday evening was the reunion of the cast of 'Allo 'Allo. At least, this blogger presumes that happened. He didn't watch the thing himself but, everybody was talking about The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies on Thursday morning.
ITV is reported to be planning yet another revival of The Saint. The broadcaster is said to have commissioned a pilot episode written by Ed Whitmore and Chris Lunt. According to the Radio Times, the pilot will go into production in 2016. The character of the cool and debonair jewel thief and amateur detective Simon Templar was originally created by the great Leslie Charteris in a series of novels beginning in 1928 and has been the subject of a wide variety of film and TV adaptations over the years since; some of them really very good indeed - like the successful long-running television adaptation starring yer actual Roger Moore which was produced between 1962 to 1969 - and some of them absolutely effing dreadful. Particularly the 1990s Hollywood big budget Val Kilmer version (despite featuring Orbital doing a superb version of the title music). Whitmore said: 'There is a post-Breaking Bad appetite for morally grey characters. Simon Templar is a kind of Robin Hood figure - he's timeless.' The writer's new drama Arthur & George, based on a real-life investigation involving Sherlock Holmes creator Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, will launch on ITV on 2 March.

From The North favourite yer actual Gillian Anderson and Jim Broadbent have joined the cast of War & Peace. The BBC's upcoming epic adaptation of the Leo Tolstoy novel has begun principle photography in Russia, Latvia and Lithuania. Gillian - seen below, in her pants (and, hey, why not?) will play Anna Pavlovna, while Broadbent will star as Prince Bolkonsky. Also joining a quite stunning cast are Rebecca Front as Anna Mikhaylovna, Kenneth Cranham as Uncle Mikhail, Aneurin Barnard as Boris, Tuppence Middleton as Helene, Callum Turner as Anatole and Jessie Buckley as Prince Marya. Brian Cox (no, the other one) will appear as General Kutuzov, while Ken Stott will play Bazdeev. They join the previously announced cast members including Paul Dano, Lily James, James Norton, Stephen Rea, Ade Edmondson and Greta Scacchi. Tom Harper will direct the six-episode series, from a script by Andrew Davies. It is a co-production between The Weinstein Company and the BBC. Set in 1805 during Alexander I's reign, War & Peace follows five aristocratic families during the period leading up to Napoleon's invasion of Russia in 1812.
CITV's Thunderbirds Are Go has unveiled new pictures. Updated versions of Lady Penelope, Parker and Brains have been released ahead of the series launch this spring. Lady Penelope, who will be voiced by Rosamund Pike, has been given the biggest transformation, but has retained her classic pink Rolls Royce. Parker will be voiced by original actor David Graham, while Kayvan Novak has taken on the role of Brains.
Would I Lie To You? has been commissioned for a ninth series. Rob Brydon will continue to host the BBC comedy panel show, with team captains David Mitchell and Lee Mack also returning. The new episodes will feature guests such as yer actual Sir Roger Moore his very self, Alex Brooker, Judy Murray, Tinchy Stryder, Richard Osman, Clare Balding, Nick Grimshaw, Gabby Logan, Moira Stuart, Sean Lock, Greg Davies and Richard Hammond. The ten-part series will also include a compilation instalment and a Christmas episode. The show recently won Best Panel Show at the British Comedy Awards.
Suranne Jones will star in BBC1 drama Doctor Foster. Relax, it's got nothing to do with Gloucester. Or, indeed, puddles. Probably. The Scott & Bailey actress will lead the five-episode series as Doctor Gemma Foster, a trusted GP who is the heart of her town. Which, just to repeat, is not Gloucester. But when she suspects her husband (Bertie Carvel) of having an affair, Gemma will go to any length necessary to find out the truth. Including, presumably, nailing his scrotum to the floor until he begs for mercy. All right, maybe not that far. As she delves deeper into the investigation, what she discovers not only changes her life, but also the lives of her family and patients. Robert Pugh, Adam James and My Mad Fat Diary's Jodie Comer will also appear in the drama, written by Mike Bartlett and directed by Tom Vaughan. Suranne said: 'I am thrilled to be working with the Drama Republic team as An Honourable Woman was one of my favourite programmes from last year. I loved Mike Bartlett's work before, King Charles III was really stunning and now I have this wonderful script that deals with very human issues from marriage, motherhood, family, loyalty, pride, betrayal, and the very delicate subject of age. I am also so excited to be working with Bertie and for Tom Vaughan to bring it all to life. It's about looking at one woman's story and asking, "What if that was me? What would I do in that situation? And the age old question of why?" I am very much looking forward to telling Gemma Foster's story.'

A rehearsal for a fireworks display in EastEnders' live thirtieth anniversary special episode was the cause of the widely reported real-life blaze, it has emerged. Firefighters went to BBC studios in Elstree, on 17 February after part of the set caught light. A live episode screened on Friday featured a fireworks display to celebrate the soap's milestone. EastEnders confirmed that there had been 'a small fire' but declined to comment further on the circumstances. No serious damage was caused and no-one was injured, a spokeswoman said. The fire, which broke out in the first floor and roof space of a building on the Albert Square location, did not affect filming of the show. As part of the anniversary, 'live inserts' were screened through the week before a fully-live episode on Friday with a fireworks display at the end. More than ten million punters tuned in during Thursday's episode to see the soap's murder mystery storyline reach its climax, with viewers finally learning who killed Lucy Beale. If you haven't already heard, Bob did it. Firefighters were seen on set following Friday's live show in which the fireworks were set off but no further blazes were reported.
Media watchdog Ofcom - a politically appointed quango, elected by no one - says that it will investigate the Channel Four docudrama UKiP: The First One Hundred Days for breaches of the broadcasting code. More than five thousand people whinged about the programme, which imagined a future where Nigel Farage's party won the upcoming general election. Ofcom has said that the programme may be in breach of rules on offensive material, misleadingness and due impartiality. 'We are also considering fairness and privacy complaints,' it said in a statement. The programme mixed real news footage with fictional scenes, focusing on the career of Deepa Kaur, a newly-elected UKiP MP for Romford, played by Priyanga Burford. It also depicted rioting on the streets in the wake of the UKiP election victory, mass forced deportations and the establishment of a new 'National Pride day'. The show was broadcast outside the election period, meaning Channel Four did not have provide balancing views from other parties. A Channel Four spokeswoman said: 'We are confident that the programme did not breach the Ofcom code and we will be providing a response to the investigation.' It had previously said 'a lot of research' went into the film and that Farage his very self had been invited to watch it before the broadcast and then to do an interview afterwards but had declined. The UKiP leader tweeted after the drama went out that it was 'a biased partisan depiction' of his party. Critics were none too kind as well. The Torygraph called the drama 'fatally flawed', saying it 'stereotyped' UKiP supporters as 'an army of bald-headed, beer-swilling thugs'. The Gruniad Morning Star agreed that the drama 'lacked nuance', adding: 'It won't aid UKiP's cause in the run up to the election, but it probably won't make much of a dent in it either.'
Ofcom - still a politically appointed quango, elected by no one, incidentally - is also considering launching an investigation into whether the TV station London Live is failing to broadcast the amount of local content required of its licence. The media regulator has asked the station – run by the Evening Standard and Independent newspapers owner ESI Media – to 'provide more information' after an analysis by the trade magazine Broadcast showed that the channel in January failed to broadcast eight hours a day of 'first run local programming.' So, top marks to Broadcast there for a quality bit of snitching to teacher like a dirty stinking filthy Copper's Nark. School sneak, were you? In October last year, London Live persuaded Ofcom to reduce the amount of time it is required to run repeats of local programming from ten to six hours a day and from an hour and a half to zero during peak time. Even if London Live failed to deliver the required level of programming during January, it only needs to meet the requirement as an average over the course of 2015. An Ofcom spokesperson said: 'Ofcom requires local TV stations to meet commitments on the amount of local programming they provide. These daily or weekly requirements are set out in their licences and are averaged over a year to provide reasonable flexibility to licensees. This means they can sometimes provide less local content as long as they make up any shortfall over the year. We assess all complaints [for which read snitching] we receive about any TV stations' output and take appropriate action where necessary. In this case, we have sought further information from London Live about the amount of local programming being provided before deciding whether the issue warrants further investigation.' London Live chief operating officer, Tim Kirkman said in a statement: 'I am one hundred per cent sure we are compliant with the terms of our licence.' He added: 'Please don't cane us, sir, we were led astray by older boys.'

CBS is attempting to break the Guinness World Record for largest ever TV drama simulcast, it has been announced. The channel is planning to show CSI: Cyber worldwide to achieve the feat, Deadline reports. The episode Kitty will be broadcast in over one hundred and fifty countries on 4 March at 4pm Pacific time in a bid to set a new record. The current record holder is the fiftieth anniversary episode of Doctor Who, which was broadcast simultaneously in ninety eight countries on 22 November 2013.

Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads has definitively ruled out Horrible Katie Hopkins ever judging Britain's Got Toilets. The Celebrity Big Brother runner-up and full-of-her-own-importance twonk Horrible Hopkins had been 'linked' in the tabloid press to join BGT - an apparent match made in heaven one could suggest - should Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads leave the not-as-popular-as-it-used-to-be talent contest to 'focus on his American TV commitments.'Whatever they might be. Quite where this information came from the tabloids in question did not reveal. Although, it obviously wasn't passed on to them by shameless self-publicist Horrible Hopkins her very self or anyone representing her interests. Oh no, very hot water. Asked by the Digital Spy website about the rumours at the Elle Style Awards this week, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads insisted that there is 'no chance' of Horrible Hopkins ever joining the ITV show. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads replied: 'I'd rather take a bath, fill it with vinegar, cut myself a thousand times [and] immerse myself slowly for an hour than work with her. So the answer is no.' To be fair, quite a number of people who expressed an interest said that they would quite like to see Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads do something like what he suggests involving the vinegar bath and self-harming. You know, for a laugh.

The BBC has dismissed a - thoroughly ridiculous - one hundred million smackers proposal to buy BBC3, saying that the proposal 'did not make sense' either 'practically or in the interests of licence fee payers' and suggested that the producers behind the bid set up their own TV channel instead. Danny Cohen, the BBC's Director of Television, told Jimmy Mulville and Jon Thoday in a letter published on Wednesday that he was 'not sure what you would be spending your money on.' He added that 'fundamental questions' about the bid had 'multiplied and deepened' since it was first revealed in a blaze of publicity in the Gruniad Morning Star. 'We cannot sell you the BBC brand name, the EPG slot or the vast majority of rights to programmes,' Cohen told the hapless pair. 'These are the key assets. Your proposal does not add up when all these elements are taken into account. Essentially you would be buying a channel with a new non-BBC name, without an EPG slot on [digital terrestrial television] and cable and without any rights to currently produced or archive BBC programmes. When you actually get into the detail, we are not sure what you would be spending your money on. There is of course nothing to stop you setting up a new TV channel for young audiences if this is something you are passionate about doing.' Thoday, the joint managing director of Russell Howard's Good News producer Avalon, and Mulville, managing director of Hat Trick, the company behind numerous BBC shows including Have I Got News For You, outlined their vainglorious highfalutin 'plans' to 'buy' BBC3 after the corporation said last year that it would close the channel and take it online. The value of the offer - which has been ludicrously and sycophantically slavvered over by some arseholes of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star if not anyone that actually matters - 'would be the subject of negotiation but was likely to have been around one hundred million knicker' according to one of those arseholes of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star with their tongue rammed right up Thoday and Mulville's bottoms. Although, how they know that, the brown-tongued arsehole of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star does not reveal. In a letter to the BBC Trust, which will consider the offer as part of its consultation into proposals to close the channel, the pair said that the BBC's current strategy 'will not realise value for the licence payer and there are better alternatives – not least, a commercial future for the channel.' But Cohen ruled out a sale of the channel's name and its prominent slot on the EPG. He said that 'a large proportion' of its programme rights were 'not the BBC's to sell' because they were made by independent producers. 'We are not willing to privatise a UK public service BBC-branded channel,' said Cohen. 'Nor would the BBC be willing to allow a third party company to decide the editorial direction of a BBC-branded channel in the UK. Your proposal also does not stack up when it comes to content rights,' he added. Cohen said that hit BBC3 shows would continue to be commissioned both for its new online-only incarnation and for transfer to BBC1 or BBC2, while imported programmes on BBC3 (like Family Guy) would also switch to other BBC channels. He said that a privately-owned BBC3 could not, legally, be cross-promoted on any other BBC service. So, this 'plan', frankly, appears to be a bit of a non-starter. The BBC will save around fifty million notes by closing the channel, thirty million of which has been earmarked for drama on BBC1. It will be replaced on the EPG by a new timeshifted channel, BBC1+1. Cohen said it was 'true that this proposal is partly born out of financial necessity' and 'earlier than we might have ideally planned' but said it 'does not change the fact that it is the right thing for young audiences in the long term.' Cohen told Mulville and Thoday: 'I sincerely hope that we will continue to work together on a great range of programmes and content in the future as we have done with great results in the past. Perhaps you may even be willing to make programmes for a new digital BBC3.'

Sneering full-of-his-own-importance Jon Snow has claimed that he turned down an offer to move from Channel Four to the BBC. The Channel Four News presenter said that it 'wasn't remotely difficult' to reject the BBC's proposal, which would have seen him front the One O'Clock News. He told the Press Association: 'I'm a maverick, a rebel. I question everything. Because I work at Channel Four, I have no fixed points to prevent me asking anything. I couldn't do those things at the BBC. They've only ever asked me once, twenty years ago. They wanted me to anchor the One O'Clock News. It wasn't remotely difficult to turn them down - it was an incredibly boring programme.' Meanwhile, Snow has also praised Channel Four's new recruit Jeremy Paxman, who will anchor the channel's coverage of the upcoming General Erection. 'I admire old Paxo. I thought it was a real coup. I was thrilled,' Snow said. 'He is the very best thing that's ever come along. We're not mates, but we're perfectly friendly. He's part of the national iconography.'
Convicted kiddie-fiddler and disgusting old scallywag Rolf Harris has been extremely stripped of his Australian honours. A brief statement this week said that the disgraced entertainer's appointments as Officer and Member of the Order of Australia had been 'terminated' by Governor General Peter Cosgrove. 'With extreme prejudice', one imagines. Harris was very jailed in July 2014 for nearly six years for twelve indecent assaults carried out against four young girls. The offences took place between 1968 and 1986. Australia operates a separate honours system to that of the UK. Harris has also been awarded honours under the British system. Similarly, yer actual Keith Telly Topping did consider throwing the four Rolf Harris singles he's had since he was seven in the bin when Harris was sent down for his hideous and awful crimes. But, in spite of everything, he just couldn't do it. And, for what it's worth, he still considers 'Sun Arise' to be a bloody masterpiece. Albeit, not one you're likely to hear played pretty much anywhere any time soon. Harris appeared on TV screens as a children's entertainer, singer and songwriter over a sixty year period. He was also an artist and painted a portrait of Queen Elizabeth to mark her eightieth birthday in 2006. Although, again, one doesn't imagine that one's hanging on display in Buck House or the National Portrait Gallery at the moment. Earlier this month Harris was, again, questioned by police regarding further historic sex offence allegations.

Meanwhile, the controversial 'deal' between the BBC and South Yorkshire police to allow the filming of a raid on Sir Cliff Richard's gaff has been criticised by an independent police review as an invasion of the singer's privacy. The televised raid 'may well have caused unnecessary distress' to Richard and 'certainly interfered with his privacy', according to former chief constable Andy Trotter, who conducted a review for the South Yorkshire police and crime commissioner. He said that the South Yorkshire chief constable, David Crompton, could have stepped in to prevent the media agreement at any stage. Under the deal, the BBC agreed to delay, by a month, publishing details of an investigation into an allegation that Richard sexually abused a sixteen-year-old boy in the 1980s. Allegations which, it is important to note, the singer denies utterly. In return, South Yorkshire police tipped off the broadcaster about the timing of the raid on Richard's Berkshire home, allowing it to broadcast live helicopter footage of the operation. Richard had not been interviewed by the police before the raid, which he watched unfold on TV while he was on holiday in Portugal. South Yorkshire police said that they entered into the deal because they feared that crucial evidence would be lost if the BBC reported that the seventy four-year-old singer was under investigation before the raid took place, as it had allegedly threatened. The BBC have stated, repeatedly, that had they been asked by South Yorkshire Police not to broadcast details as it was part of an ongoing investigation, they would have agreed but, it seems, that thought never occurred to South Yorkshire Police. The hapless pollis claim they 'believed' the BBC's reporter, Dan Johnson, had been leaked information about Richard from Operation Yewtree, the Metropolitan police investigation into child sex abuse by disgraceful old scallywag and right rotten rotter Jimmy Savile and others. But, in his review published on Tuesday, Trotter, a former chief constable of the British Transport police and former chair of the National Police Communications Advisory Group, concluded that the BBC was 'unlikely' to have run the story based on a single source, without South Yorkshire Police's cooperation. Johnson himself was not interviewed by Trotter and has not disclosed his 'source' although he and others at the BBC have stated that it had not come from any police force. Trotter's review says that it is possible South Yorkshire police were 'conned' by Johnson into revealing more information about the investigation than he already had. But, Trotter noted that the force's head of communications, Carrie Goodwin, and the senior investigating officer in the case, Matt Fenwick, were 'adamant' that Johnson knew as much as they did about the investigation when he approached the force a month before the raid. Trotter's review said that South Yorkshire Police had breached guidance on protecting the identity of those under investigation. 'Bearing in mind that at [the time of the raid] Sir Cliff Richard had not been interviewed, let alone arrested, he should not have been informed of the allegations through the media. By cooperating, the force stood the story up' and absolved the BBC of any risk or responsibility for the story.' The review called for revised police guidance to advise officers on how they invited journalists on planned operations. South Yorkshire police have already been heavily criticised for the way they handled the case. The Home Affairs Select Committee described the raid as 'utterly inept', but said that the BBC was 'well within its rights to run the story' and had done 'nothing wrong.' The Trotter review said that the handling of the raid had dented the force's reputation. He said it should have taken external advice, including from the Metropolitan police, before agreeing to cooperate with the BBC. Trotter concluded: 'I came across nothing to suggest that the force was seeking publicity or involved in any improper relationships with the media. However, through a failure to foresee the consequences of their decisions, they put the force in a position which was difficult to defend and which could, and should, have been avoided.' A South Yorkshire Police spokesman said: 'While we believe our actions in relation to dealing with the media were within policy and were well intended, they were ultimately flawed and we regret the additional anxiety which was caused to Sir Cliff Richard.' A BBC spokesman said: 'The Home Affairs Committee has already endorsed the way the BBC handled this story. We have nothing further to add.' Trotter also said the Daily Scum Mail's coverage of his inquiry was 'highly inaccurate.' The Scum Mail headline on Tuesday - written, of course, without any hint of a venal and sick agenda being pushed, oh, good gracious no, perish the very thought - claimed that both police and the BBC had been 'savaged' by the report and the article claimed that the inquiry had found police officials to be 'incompetent' and the BBC 'dishonest.' Trotter, said that all of this was wrong and that the Scum Mail's coverage was so misleading that he did not recognise his own report from it. Trotter told the Gruniad Morning Star: 'When I saw the headline I genuinely thought it must refer to someone else's report. It bore no resemblance to my report and at no time did I say the police were incompetent or the BBC was dishonest. My report clearly does not say that. Neither the police or the BBC are "savaged". I made no comment, whatsoever, about the BBC. That was not part of my remit.' So, there you have it. The Daily Scum Mail talking a load of old inaccurate, agenda-soaked crap. Who'd've thought it?

The historical sex offence inquiry into Cliff Richard has 'increased significantly in size' and involves 'more than one allegation', police have claimed. Curiously, they said all of that within hours of the publication of Andy Trotter's highly critical report about their raid on Richard's home. Odd, that. Although one imagines that the timing is purely co-incidental, of course. No other explanation, one supposes. The expansion of the investigation meant that no date could be given for when it would be concluded, South Yorkshire Police's chief constable said. Sir Cliff said that he had 'no idea' where the 'absurd and untrue' allegations against him come from. 'The police have not disclosed details to me,' he said in a statement. 'I have never, in my life, assaulted anyone and I remain confident that the truth will prevail. I have cooperated fully with the police, and will, of course, continue to do so.' The BBC News website says that it 'understands' the original allegation relates to an alleged assault at an event featuring US preacher Billy Graham at Bramall Lane in Sheffield in 1985. In a letter to Labour MP Keith Vaz, chairman of the Commons Home Affairs Select Committee, Chief Constable David Crompton claimed that his force was 'in regular contact' with Sir Cliff's lawyers. That involved 'a verbal update about once a fortnight', he said. 'This is an investigation which has increased significantly in size since its inception. Sir Cliff Richard's lawyers are aware that there is more than one allegation,' he said in the letter. He added: 'It would be premature and potentially misleading to predict a likely date when it will be concluded, however, we are progressing as swiftly as possible.' A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said it had not been presented with a file for a charging decision.
Former Downing Street communications director and the Prime Minister's ex, if you will, 'chum', Andy Coulson is to stand trial in Scotland on a charge of perjury. The charge is in connection with the trial of Tommy and Gail Sheridan in December 2010 at the High Court in Glasgow. Coulson, a former editor of the Scum of the World (and convicted phone-hacker), attended a day-long pre-evidential hearing at the High Court in Edinburgh. It fixed a trial date of 21 April.

A Cleveland morning news anchor used the horrific racial epithet 'jigaboo' while discussing Lady Gaga's music on live television. Kristi Capel, co-anchor of FOX Eight News In The Morning, was impressed with the pop star's vocal abilities after hearing her perform a Sound Of Music medley at the Oscars on Sunday night. 'It's hard to really hear her voice with all that jigaboo music that she does, or whatever you want to call it. Jigaboo,' she said on Monday morning, before laughing. The former beauty pageant queen, who was crowned Miss Missouri USA in 2006, used the ethnic slur for African-Americans from the early Twentieth Century to characterise the singer's music — in contrast with her performance at the awards ceremony. 'She has a gorgeous voice. I never knew. Very nice,' she added. Capel was speaking to her co-anchor Wayne Dawson, who is African-American, during the broadcast. Many offended viewers contacted Capel on her Twitter and Facebook profiles to chastise her for using such a disparaging word. Capel, who grew up in Northern Kentucky, at first claimed that she did not know the word's meaning and then, bizarrely, changed her story and said that she did not know it was even a word in the first place. Many critics countered that she could have either invented the word by throwing together some sounds at random or used the word without knowing its true and appalling meaning - but suggested that both explanations. simultaneously, are not possible. 'Which one is it? It can't be both. You either didn't know the definition or you made up a word on-air,' one Twitter user wrote. Channel Eight, the Cleveland FOX affiliate owned by Tribune Media Group, confirmed in a brief statement on Wednesday morning that Capel has been temporarily suspended: 'Kristi Capel will not be anchoring FOX Eight News In The Morning' for the remainder of the week,' the statement said. Executives would not confirm whether this suspension was paid or unpaid. Stacey Frey filled in for Capel on Wednesday morning. 'Kristi apologised on the air shortly after making the remark. She did not know what the word meant but that is no excuse for using it,' news director Andy Fishman said. 'We have spoken with her and are confident nothing like this will happen again.'
A Premier League footballer has been ;caught up; in a one hundred thousand smackers blackmail attempt following an alleged one-night stand, it has been reported. The married defender, said to be 'a household name', is claimed to have spent a 'no holds barred' night of red hot rampant passion with the sweating and the thrusting and the 'yes, yes, Big Boy, harder' and that, with a woman before sending her a number of explicit photographs and videos of himself and his massive maleness. As ou do. Well, as you do if you're a hideously overpaid, numskull moron, that is. But, it has emerged that the alleged woman, allegedly in her thirties and allegedly single, then showed the allegedly intimate images of the player's naughty bits to the player's club allegedly after learning that he was married - and allegedly demanded loads of disgusting wonga in alleged return for her alleged silence. Allegedly. According to the Sun on Sunday (they're not alleged, they definitely exist), the pair allegedly met at a party close to the player's home last year and, allegedly, had sex - lots and lots of sex - some hours later. Blimey, he wasn't hanging about, was he? One wonders if he moves that fast when he's playing for his club. The newspaper quotes an alleged - anonymous, and therefore almost certainly fictitious - 'source' as allegedly saying: 'It was no holds barred. It may have been a brief encounter but it left them both exhausted. This was pure animal passion. His wife would be horrified if she ever found out the full details.' Yes, that sounds like exactly the sort of thing an alleged 'source'would allegedly tell a notorious tabloid newspaper. The alleged woman allegedly travelled to the footballer's club 'along with her family' after learning that he was married and showed officials the explicit material she had been sent. Their reaction is not reported. Although 'crikey, that's a big one. He keeps that hidden in the showers' would not have been surprising. After allegedly demanding an alleged hundred grand to 'keep quiet' - which, as far as this blogger knows is, actually, a crime - she was 'referred to the legal department at the club.' Officials have allegedly refused to pay out any cash. Whether they have also snitched her up to The Law for her alleged attempted blackmail is, also, unknown at this time. The Sun on Sunday claims that, 'for legal reasons', it cannot reveal the alleged identity of the player, the woman or the club involved. Curiously, it does not reveal where it got the story from in the first place although, there would appear to be only three potential sources and two of those would appear to have little reasons to go running to a tabloid with such a tale. It reports that the player is 'distraught' after learning the woman had contacted his club - and we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for him? - while his wife is said to be 'completely unaware' of the one-night stand.

FIFA says that it will not pay compensation to clubs and leagues unhappy about plans to play the 2022 Qatar World Cup in November and December. It also said that no apology was necessary for the idiotic scheduling of the tournament, which will disrupt a number of European leagues. A FIFA taskforce has recommended the 2022 World Cup take place in winter to avoid Qatar's hot summer temperatures. This, despite the fact that Qatar had been awarded the 2022 World Cup following a bid to hold the tournament in the summer. 'There will be no compensation,' sneered FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke. 'There are seven years to reorganise.' FIFA's executive committee will meet in Zurich next month to ratify the taskforce's recommendation. Valcke also suggested that a 2022 World Cup final on 23 December was 'looking increasingly likely.' Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore claims a final that close to Christmas will 'cause havoc' with the traditional festive club programme, while FIFA vice-president Jim Boyce wants it played a week earlier. But Valcke says that European governing body UEFA and other confederations are keen on Friday 23 December, although 18 December is 'also a possibility.' Valcke also confirmed that the 2022 World Cup will be four days shorter than previously 'as a concession' to leagues and clubs - twenty eight days instead of the usual thirty two - and that the 2023 Africa Cup of Nations will move to June from January.

The Greek government has suspended professional football in the country indefinitely. The move follows violence at a match between rivals Olympiakos and Panathinaikos, as well as a brawl between club officials at a board meeting on Tuesday. With chaps getting sparked and aal sorts. The Greek league has already been suspended twice this season due to violence. Newly-elected ruling party Syriza have pledged to stamp out the problem. As well as deal with the Germans. The suspension affects the top three divisions in the country. 'What we have been informed is that the Super League and the Football League have been suspended indefinitely,' Super League president Giorgos Borovilos told reporters. 'We have a new government who are looking to bring this subject up for discussion and implement state laws related to it.' Borovilos added: 'The government wants games to start again as soon as possible, but for that they want to see immediate reactions from all of us.' Fans hurled flares, rocks and bottles at officials during Panathinaikos's 2-1 victory over league leaders Olympiakos on Sunday. An executive meeting of Super League officials was then called off after a Panathinaikos official claimed he had been punched by Olympiakos security personnel. The two Athens clubs are known as the 'eternal enemies' and share a fierce rivalry that often spills over into a violence. Although it's still nowt compared to Newcastle and Sunderland. Matches in the professional divisions were previously halted in September and November last year. The first suspension was caused by the death of a fan after clashes between supporters of third-division teams Ethnikos Piraeus and Irodotos. The second sanction followed an assault on the assistant director of the refereeing committee.

Imposing fines of up to five hundred thousand knicker on the companies behind cold calls and nuisance text messages is to become easier under changes to the law being made by the government. The move follows tens of thousands of complaints about cold calling. Currently, firms can only be punished if the Information Commissioner can prove a call caused 'substantial damage or substantial distress.' Well, several of them have gotten yer actual Keith Telly Topping out of the bath simply to try and ask him annoying questions about PPI so, surely that constitutes 'substantial distress.' It was a nice bath. Anyway, from 6 April, that legal requirement is to be removed. More than one hundred and seventy five thousand complaints were contacted by the Information Commissioner's Office last year about nuisance calls and text messages. The government says that the number of complaints has risen in the past decade and the issue is particularly acute for the elderly and housebound as such calls can cause distress and anxiety. Or, in this blogger's case, drag me out of a nice hot bath for no good reason. In a speech earlier this month, Information Commissioner Christopher Graham described the current law as 'a licence for spammers and scammers' and appealed for more powers. The ICO can take action against companies who flout rules on direct marketing, and says that it has issued penalties totalling eight hundred and fifteen thousand quid to nine firms since January 2012. But it has been powerless to target other firms behind a large number of unsolicited calls or texts. It had tried to argue that companies which make a large number of calls could breach the regulations because of the 'cumulative effect' of their actions. But a tribunal upheld an appeal against a three hundred grand fine imposed on Manchester-based Tetrus Telecoms after ruling its high volume of text messages about PPI and accident claims did not meet the legal threshold of causing 'substantial damage or substantial distress.' Now, following a six-week public consultation, that threshold is to be removed according to digital economy minister the vile and odious rascal Vaizey. He told BBC Breakfast: 'At the moment if the Information Commissioner goes after a company, he's got to show the company has caused you - the consumer at home - serious distress, serious harm. It's a very high test to pass which is why there have only been nine prosecutions, which is why we want to lower that test.' He said it was 'important to recognise' the UK has a 'legitimate direct marketing industry where businesses calling consumer can sometimes bring some benefit. We want to go after the cowboys. Frankly the Information Commissioner knows who a lot of these companies are but it's very, very difficult to pass that threshold, now it will be a lot easier,' he added. It will now be up to the ICO to assess when a serious contravention has taken place and give those responsible a good hard swift kick in the Jacob's Cream Crackers for their insolence.

Veteran Doctor Who designer Barry Newbery has died at the age of eighty eight. Barry was one of the most prolific designers of Doctor Who, working on more episodes of the original series than any other designer in its twenty six year history. His contribution ranged from the very first story An Unearthly Child in 1963 through to The Awakening in 1984, a total of sixty two episodes. Barry joined the BBC in the late 1950's after working as a freelance designer in London, overseeing window displays and designing exhibitions. Early work for the Corporation included Comedy Playhouse, The Count Of Monte Cristo, R3, Mickey Dunne and The Last Man Out, a 1962 period drama starring Barry Letts. In 1963 he found himself attached to the BBC's new family Saturday evening SF drama. He was one of two designers drafted in to replace original designer Peter Brachacki, who had left the series following disagreements with the producer, Verity Lambert. Brachacki had designed the sets for the original pilot, but had left the show by the time the first episode was reshot, leaving Newbery to recreate the original junkyard and school sets, which had been destroyed following completion of the pilot. For the majority of Doctor Who's first two years Barry would share the design work with Raymond Cusick, with Cusick tending to take the 'Science fiction' type stories, while Barry worked on the predominantly historical adventures. After creating a stone age settlement for An Unearthly Child, he was tasked with creating the court of Kubla Khan in Marco Polo, the city of Tenochtitlan in The Aztecs, the cities and deserts around Jaffa in The Crusade and Saxon England in The Time Meddler. In 1965 he worked on the first Doctor Who Christmas episode, The Feast Of Steven, before competing the remaining five episodes of the epic The Daleks' Master Plan. He voyaged into the future with The Ark before returning to the historicals, recreating the town of Tombstone, Arizona in the story The Gunfighters. In 1968 he worked on his only Patrick Troughton story, The Dominators and in 1970 the Jon Pertwee seven-parter Doctor Who & The Silurians. He completed three stories with Tom Baker, The Brain of Morbius and The Masque of Mandragora in 1976, followed by The Invisible Enemy in 1977. His final credit for Doctor Who came in 1984 when he designed the Peter Davison story The Awakening. Away from Doctor Who Barry worked on vast range of projects, being involved in some of the most iconic television series of he era. He worked on historical dramas including The Onedin Line, Prince Regent, The Citadel, When The Boat Comes In and The Shadow Of The Tower as well as contemporary dramas series such as Z Cars, Softly Softly, Centre Play, Paul Temple, Doomwatch and The Expert. He ventured into comedy with sitcoms like Dad's Army and Sykes and the classic sketch comedy series Not The Nine O'Clock News. In 1979 Barry won an RTS Television Award for his work on The Lost Boys and the following year he received a BAFTA nomination for Prince Regent. Barry took a great many behind-the-scenes photographs during his time on Doctor Who and a large selection were published in The Barry Newbery Signature Collection, published by Telos Publishing Ltd. in 2013.

The organisers of the Belgian cycling race E3 Harelbeke have received a severe backlash after promoting their event with what has been seen by many as a sexist poster. The posters have had to be withdrawn entirely as a result of widespread criticism of the promotional billboards on social media and elsewhere. In what was probably a dubious concept in the first place, the event attempted to poke fun at the incident last year when Slovakian rider Peter Sagan infamously pretended to pat the bottom of one of the podium girls. Sagan, who won last year's event, was forced to issue a grovelling Facebook apology after the incident and presented the woman with a bunch of flowers. As such, the poster saw a cyclist's hand moving to squeeze or pinch a woman's backside with the lady in question clutching a bouquet of flowers. The slogan on the poster read: 'Who will "pinch" the Harelbeke this year?' The Union Cycliste Internationale was 'extremely unhappy with the promotional poster of the 2015 E3 Harelbeke,' the UCI's statement read. 'We have reminded the organiser of its responsibility and the UCI Regulations and they have agreed to take off the poster from all communication platforms.' Belgium's Institute for the Equality between Men and Women was also far from amused and said it would lobby sponsors of the E3 Harelbeke for them to take action against the race's organisers. And jam thir meat and two veg in a vice till they squeal. Probably.
Wednesday of this week would have been yer actual Geroge Harrison's seventy second birthday. If he hadn't died in 2001, of course.
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day we have what was, with hindsight, one of the first rave records ever made. And, still, one of the best. Tell 'em what it's all about, Marc. (Properly stunning video too, with footage taken from Tony Plamer's famous 1977 This England documentary about The Wigan Casio. Keep the faith.)

Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr Spock in the cult TV series Star Trek and its numerous film and TV spin-offs - you knew that, right? - has died at the age of eighty three in Los Angeles. His son, Adam, said that Leonard had died from end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease on Friday morning. Even the US President took a moment on Friday to appreciate Nimoy's most famous character and his lasting legacy to the world. 'Long before being nerdy was cool, there was Leonard Nimoy,' Barack Obama said in a statement from The White House. 'Leonard was a lifelong lover of the arts and humanities, a supporter of the sciences, generous with his time and talents. And of course, Leonard was Spock. Cool, logical, big-eared and level-headed, the centre of Star Trek's optimistic, inclusive vision of humanity's future. I loved Spock.' And, so did many of us.
     Despite a career which also embraced directing, writing, painting and photography, Leonard never managed to escape the character that came to define him. At times it seemed the actor and character were becoming one and the same and Nimoy battled with alcohol abuse and bouts of depression as a result. But, he eventually grew to accept and embrace the fascination with which his character was regarded by several generations of the general public, and he ultimately claimed to derive great satisfaction from the role that dominated his life.
    Leonard Simon Nimoy was born in Boston on 26 March 1931. His parents were Orthodox Jews who had emigrated to America from an area of the Soviet Union which is now part of Ukraine (although, they way things are going, it might soon be part of Russia). He began acting as a child and quickly developed an ambition to pursue a career on the stage - much, he would later recall, to the dismay of his parents. Leonard began attending a local drama school in Massachusetts before giving up his studies, moving to Los Angeles and making his first film appearance in 1951 (a tiny role in Queen For A Day). A year later he was given the title role in Kid Monk Baroni, where he played a boxer. It was, said Leonard in his autobiography, the type of movie 'that made unknowns out of celebrities.' A complete flop at the box office, it was instrumental in condemning Leonard to a decade of bit parts and walk-ons. Such were his meagre earnings from acting that at one point he delivered newspapers to make ends meet. He was drafted into the army in 1953 where he reached the rank of sergeant and returned to acting after his discharge. While serving, he married his first wife, Sandy. It was she who persuaded him to stick with acting when his thoughts turned to more secure employment. He had more than fifty small roles in b-movies, television series such as Perry Mason and Dragnet and film serials like Republic Pictures'Zombies Of The Stratosphere (1952). He played an army sergeant in the 1954 schlock science fiction thriller Them! and a professor in the 1958 b-movie The Brain Eaters and had a role in The Balcony (1963), a film adaptation of the Jean Genet play. With his friend Vic Morrow, he produced a 1966 version of Deathwatch, an English-language film version of Genet's play Haute Surveillance.
   On television, Leonard appeared as the character Sonarman in two episodes of the military drama The Silent Service, based on the submarine section of the navy. He had a number of guest roles in Sea Hunt (1958 to 1960) and a minor role in the 1961 The Twilight Zone episode A Quality Of Mercy. He also appeared in Bonanza, Waggon Train, Two Faces West, Rawhide, The Untouchables, Combat!, Daniel Boone, The Outer Limits (the memorable 1964 episode I, Robot), The Virginian (where he first worked with his future Star Trek co-star DeForest Kelley in the episode Man Of Violence), Get Smart and Gunsmoke. In 1964 he played the villain in an episode of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. where, for the first time, he worked with William Shatner. At the same time, Gene Roddenberry was attempting to pitch his idea for a new science-fiction series to the networks. Roddenberry eventually persuaded Desilu Productions to make Star Trek and NBC agreed to screen a pilot episode, The Cage. Leonard, by this time well known in Hollywood as a capable TV character actor, was approached to play Spock, the ship's science officer who has a human mother and an alien, Vulcan, father. At the time he had also been offered the role of Steven Cord in the massively popular soap Peyton Place. He decided to ignore small-town America and, instead, reached for the stars. It fell to Leonard to speak the first lines in a Star Trek episode. 'Check the circuit', followed by 'Can't be the screen, then.'
     Ultimately, NBC decided that the plot of The Cage was too intellectual and too slow - which may have been true although it's a rather sad indictment of the priorities of 1960s TV commissioners and where they believed their audiences' heads were at - but they were, at least, enamoured enough with the concept to commission a second pilot, Where No One Has Gone Before. Spock was the only character kept from The Cage (despite, in a story Leonard loved telling, Roddenbury saying that one of the network executives had ordered him to 'lose the guy with the ears') and he appeared in the second pilot, which NBC decided was good enough to risk a full series. 'For the first time,' Nimoy later recalled, 'I had a job that lasted longer than two weeks and a dressing room with my name painted on the door and not chalked on.' Roddenberry described Spock as  Star Trek's 'conscience', a quizzical, alien and yet also humane moral sense which pervaded the original series as well as subsequent big-screen outings, most recently in the rebooted films directed by JJ Abrams. It was Leonard who created the famous Vulcan 'w' salute which first appeared in 1967. He based it on his childhood memories of Jewish priests giving a blessing. It was usually combined with the greeting: 'Live long and prosper.' Leonard's portrayal of Spock in the pilot episodes was far removed from later characterisations. The early Spock was quite jovial and not at all like the much more serious, logical and usually emotionless, character that he became.
    Leonard reportedly found that the intensity of the role was such that it became difficult to separate himself from the character. He described how he would go home at weekends and it would take him until Sunday afternoons to finally shake off the role, only to have to begin all over again on Monday mornings. He began to take solace in drink - 'just one after a show and then more' - and eventually he had to go into rehab. Never a big hit during its lifetime, NBC dropped Star Trek after three series (seventy nine episodes, including the two pilots) in 1969 citing low ratings. But its imaginative adventures, strange new futurist worlds, occasionally over-earnest but fundamentally optimistic and liberal view of the universe, the tackling of some quite taboo social issues under the cloak of science-fantasy and an often under-rated and wry sense of humour won the drama a growing army of devotees across the world when the show went into syndication, in the process turning Spock, Captain Kirk, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, Uhura and Chekov into genuine pop culture icons. Yes, the special effects were primitive by today's standards and sometimes the scripts could be a bit up-their-own-arse in stressing broadly American 'mom's apple pie'-style morality and values but nevertheless, for an eight year old it was the greatest TV show ever. In Britain, it became a TV staple on BBC1, constantly repeated throughout the 1970s and 80s and was, for many of us 'of a certain age', one of the first programmes we can all remember seeing in colour - with the shocking realisation that those grey Starfleet shirts were, actually, red and yellow and blue.
    Leonard wasn't out of work for long, being hired for Mission: Impossible, whose producers had to replace the recently departed Martin Landau just months after Star Trek ended. Leonard was cast in the role of The Great Paris, an IMF agent who was a magician and make-up expert, He played Paris for two highly successful series (forty nine episodes) before leaving in 1971. He then went back to playing a character roles in films and television and made a large number of stage appearances in plays as varied as Caligula and My Fair Lady. He was brilliant in a small but crucial role in Philip Kaufman's 1978 remake of Invasion Of the Bodysnatchers. And was also unforgettable - in every sense of the word - in a truly wretched adaptation of Sherlock Holmes (1976). If you've never seen the latter, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping urges you to track it down. Your life simply isn't complete until you've sat through that once, and survived. He also began his directing career with an episode of Rod Serling's horror anthology series Night Gallery in 1972. But Leonard was unable to shake off Spock and he returned to the franchise to voice the character in Star Trek: The Animated Series, which was made in 1973. Two years later he published the first volume of his autobiography, entitled, rather bitterly, I Am Not Spock, in which he conducted imaginary conversations with his alter ego. 'The question was whether to embrace Mr Spock or to fight the onslaught of public interest. I realise now that I really had no choice in the matter,' he said later. Leonard continued to have an ambivalent relationship with Spock for some years, seeming, at different times, too both cherish and resent his close association with the role. In the end, though, he decided to embrace Spock; the second volume of autobiography was titled I Am Spock as if in final acceptance of the inevitable. The book featured a tongue-in-cheek foreword by Spock himself. In this memoir, Leonard was frank about how difficult an actor he had been to work with for the show's producers and also about his personality clashes with Bill Shatner. He attributed Star Trek's troubled third season to the departure of Gene Roddenberry as producer and to his replacement by Fred Freiberger. In 1979 Leonard was back on the Enterprise with the majority of the original cast in the first feature film in the franchise, Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Which was flashy and big budget and made lots of money even if it didn't seem to, quite, have the heart of the best of TV series' episodes. Despite apparently dying at the climax of its - much superior - sequel, Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, Spock didn't stay dead for long and Leonard both directed and starred in two of the subsequent films, The Search For Spock and The Voyage Home - the latter, a light comedy which sent up many sacred cows was, arguably, the highlight of the movie series - as well as contributing to the screenplay and producing the sixth Star Trek movie, The Undiscovered Country (another good one). He also made two appearances as Spock when the franchise returned to television in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Leonard was an unlikely sex symbol. According to the Los Angeles Times, when he spoke at Ohio's Bowling Green State University in the 1970s, a young woman asked: 'Are you aware that you are the source of erotic dream material for thousands and thousands of ladies around the world?''May all your dreams come true,' he responded with his characteristic dry humour.
    Away from the Enterprise, Leonard directed the 1987 comedy Three Men & A Baby, one of the top-grossing films of that year and a handful of other, less successful, movies. He also embraced acting roles reflecting his Jewish heritage. In 1982 he appeared as the former husband of the Israeli prime minister Golda Meir in the TV movie A Woman Called Golda. He also played a Holocaust survivor in the courtroom drama Never Forget. His photography book, Shekhina, pictured nude women, including a cover shot of a woman wearing Jewish ritual objects traditionally worn by men. Leonard shrugged off traditionalist outrage and claimed that his work was entirely consistent with the teachings of the kabbalah. 'I'm not introducing sexuality into Judaism. It's been there for centuries.' He announced his retirement from acting in 2010 but was coaxed back on-screen a year later to reprise his popular semi-regular guest role as Doctor William Bell in the cult science-fiction series Fringe.
     He continued to make regular appearances at Star Trek conventions but admitted that he didn't always share the fans' encyclopaedic knowledge. 'Star Trek fans,' he confided, 'can be scary. If you don't get this right you're going to hear about it.' But, like several of his co-stars, he  was a good friend to fandom and seemed happy to occasionally parody his over-serious public persona in episodes of The Simpsons and Futurama. Never afraid to lampoon himself, he proved his keen sense of self-deprecating humour in Conan O'Brien's 1993 The Simpsons episode Marge Vs The Monorail. This version of Leonard relentlessly nitpicked every anecdote about Star Trek recited in his presence. He returned to The Simpsons four years later for another memorable cameo in the episode The Springfield Files. Last year, the actor revealed he was suffering from chronic lung disease, despite having given up smoking more than thirty years previously. It was reported earlier this week that he had been taken to hospital on 19 February after suffering from chest pains. He later tweeted: 'A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory.' He signed off what was to be his final message to the world with 'LLAP' - a reference to his character's famous catchphrase.
    Among the torrent of tributes on Twitter following the announcement of his death was a message from NASA crediting both Leonard and Star Trek in general as being an inspiration to a generation of real-life scientists, astronomers and astronauts. William Shatner said in a statement that he loved Leonard 'like a brother. We will all miss his humour, his talent and his capacity to love,' The Shat said. Despite a couple of periods of estrangement during the 1970s and 90s, Leonard and Bill had remained good friends and Nimoy was best man at Shatner's third marriage in 1997. Leonard's interest in photography began in childhood; until his death, he owned a camera that he had rebuilt at the age of thirteen. His photography studies at UCLA occurred after Star Trek and Mission: Impossible, when Leonard seriously considered changing careers. His work has been exhibited at the R Michelson Galleries in Northampton, Massachusetts and the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art. Leonard also composed several volumes of poetry, some published along with his photographs. A later poetic volume entitled A Lifetime Of Love: Poems On The Passages Of Life was published in 2002. Leonard adapted and starred in the one-man play Vincent (1981), based on the life of one of his heroes, Vincent Van Gogh. During and following Star Trek, Leonard also released five LPs of musical vocal recordings on Dot Records. On his first LP Mr Spock's Music From Outer Space, and some of the songs on his second, Two Sides Of Leonard Nimoy, science fiction-themed songs were featured and Nimoy sang (or talked) in the character of Spock. On his final three LPs - The Way I Feel, The World Of Leonard Nimoy and The Touch Of Leonard Nimoy - he recorded some of his own compositions and covers of folk and pop songs like Pete Seegar's 'If I Had A Hammer', John Fogerty's 'Proud Mary', Elvis's 'I Just Can't Help Believing', Joni Mitchell's 'Both Sides Now' and Johnny Cash's 'I Walk the Line'. Not forgetting the immortally dreadful 'The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins'. Once heard, never forgotten! For all that, his musically career still pisses all over that of his friend Shatner. Leonard was married twice. Firstly, in 1954 to the actress Sandra Zober, whom he divorced in 1987. On New Year's Day 1989, he married Susan Bay, the cousin of director Michael Bay.
     He is survived by his wife, his older brother, Melvin, his two children, Adam and Julie, his stepson, Aaron, six grandchildren and one great-grandchild. He lived long and he prospered. Goodbye, Leonard. You were, and always will be, our friend.
His work here is done.

And, of course, we can't leave without today's Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day. Which is, of course, this. Well, what the hell else did you expect?

The Doctor Who production crew have been filming in Tenerife this week, and an interesting tweet from on-location appears to reveal a new alien from the opening series nine two-parter, The Magician's Apprentice and The Witch's Familiar. The actress, Gina Beck revealed her jealousy of her friend, Ben Freeman, accompanied by a photo of Peter Capaldi, Jenna Coleman, Freeman and a mysterious charred fourth figure.
Prior to relocating to the Balearics, some filming for series nine had already been taking place in the slightly less exotic surroundings of Howard Gardens in Cardiff. The episodes, the second recording block of the new series, have been written by The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and are directed by Hettie MacDonald, the first Doctor Who serial that she has handled since 2007's fan-favourite, Blink. Block One of series nine, which commenced shooting at the start of this year, featured another - as yet unnamed - two-parter, possibly set on a Russian air base, written by Toby Whithouse and directed by Being Human's Daniel O'Hara.
Death In Paradise continued to perform strongly in the ratings, according to overnight figures for Thursday. The BBC1 Caribbean crime drama was the night's most watched programme with 6.52m at 9pm. Earlier, DIY SOS: The Big Build attracted 4.28m at 8pm. Question Time was watched by 2.68m at 10.45pm. On BBC2, Wanted In Paradise interested 1.04m at 7pm, before The Great British Sewing Bee was watched by 2.72m and Reinventing The Royals averaged 1.80m at 9pm. Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe brought in 1.04m at 10pm. It was a rotten night for ITV with coverage of The Everton's Europa League tie being watched by but 1.82m between 7.45pm and 10.15pm. Channel Four's Location, Location, Location continued with 1.18m at 8pm, while Cucumber's audience rose to five hundred and seventy thousand for its sixth episode at 9pm. Channel Five's Benefits Britain: Life On The Dole attracted five hundred and seventy eight thousand punters at 8pm and Britain's Biggest Primary School was watched by seven hundred and fifty six thousand at 9pm. The new season of The Mentalist continued with five hundred an sixty six thousand at 10pm. Sky Atlantic's Fortitude saw its overnight audience drop to three hundred and twenty three thousand at 9pm.

Bear Grylls: Mission Survive's Friday overnight viewing figures were up on the series' launch episode. The second episode in the z-list celebrity survival show was watched by an average of 3.03 million, which was slightly up on the previous week's overnight average of 2.91 million. Earlier in the evening, ITV's Barging Round Britain With John Sergeant was seen by 2.83 million. The ONE Show was once again the evening's highest-rated programme outside of soaps, attracting an average audience of 4.01 million from 7pm on BBC1. It outperformed the likes of A Question Of Sport with 3.2 million, Room 101 with 3.13 million and The Musketeers with 2.84 million. BBC1's evening ended with 3.72 million for The Graham Norton Show at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Wanted In Paradise had an audience of nine hundred and seventy thousand viewers at 7pm, followed by 2.02 million for Mastermind at 8pm and 1.89 million for Britain's Supermarket Revolution at 8.30pm. Italy Unpacked continued with 1.70 million while a repeat of Qi rounded the evening off with 1.27 million. The second episode in the latest series of Gogglebox achieved overnight ratings of 3.28 million for Channel Four at 9pm. It was followed by 1.34 million for The Last Leg at 10pm and preceded by nine hundred and seventy thousand for The Million Pound Drop. NCIS: New Orleans was Channel Five's highest-rated show of the evening, entertaining 1.01 million at 9pm. The new series of NCIS continued with nine hundred and forty six thousand at 10pm. Elsewhere, Agatha Christie's Marple was seen by an average of five hundred and fifty five thousand at 8pm.

The Voice rose to more than 7.2 million overnight viewers as the Battle Rounds began on Saturday. BBC1's singing contest averaged 7.23m from 7.15pm, according to overnight figures, up by around four hundred thousand from the previous episode. Casualty then appealed to 4.8m. The evening ended with 2.9m for Match Of The Day featuring yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies giving relegation-haunted Aston Villains and their notoriously fickle support a damned good thrashing and leave the Second City Scum facing the prospect of life down among the dead men in The Championship next year. Who's laughing now then, eh? BBC2's How We Got To Now with Steven Johnson was watched by eight hundred and sixteen thousand from 7.45pm. A Dad's Army repeat entertained 1.51m, before Reginald D Hunter's Songs Of The South continued with 1.16m. On ITV, Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway managed 6.03m from 7pm a fall of one hundred and fifty thousand punters from the previous week's series opener. Afterwards, rotten as a badger's wound Take Me Out - featuring professional Northern berk Paddy McGuinness, as usual, clowning around and acting the fool - and The Jonathan Ross Show attracted 3.36m and 2.17m respectively. Channel Four's Homes By The Sea had an audience of five hundred and twenty three thousand in the 7pm hour, with The World's Weirdest Weather attracting eight hundred and twelve thousand afterwards. The Nick Frost movie Cuban Fury averaged 1.15m from 9pm. On Channel Five, the latest episode of CSI was watched by seven hundred and thirty one thousand in the 9pm hour. ITV3's Foyle's War won the multichannels, drawing eight hundred and eighty two thousand from 8pm.

Match Of The Day also saw Round Two of Alan Shearer's continuing 'not letting Ruud Gullit forget about that night he thought it was a good idea to drop Alan against Blunderland' (the first round, if you missed it, occurred during the BBC's coverage of the World Cup last summer. And was effing hilarious). The pair who are, reportedly, quite chummy golfing buddies these days - in stark contrast to the period when yer actual Ruudi Can't Fail his very self was Shearer's manager at The Toon - were discussing The Scum's 2-0 victory over Blunderland on Saturday and, specifically, Radamel Falcao's current drought in front of goal. 'I had a problem at Newcastle when I was going through a bit of a tough time,' noted Big Al. 'Some managers didn't really believe in me,' he added with a short, knowing look over to his fellow BBC pundit. Fortunately, perhaps, he didn't elbow Gullit in the mush at this point. Times have certainly changed. 'Then Bobby Robson came in and within a week he identified the problem and said: "You're too easy to play against." What he meant was that defenders keep looking at my number and I wasn't running in behind [them]. I wasn't making it tough enough for them and Falcao has exactly the same problem.' Cheeky chappie national treasure Gary Lineker joined in the fun and game with a second dig at Ruudi, suggesting: 'If you'd have seen that in Alan Shearer's game you might still be manager of Newcastle!'Ouch. For those younger dear blog reader who haven't got a clue what all this is about, a short history lesson: In September 1999 when Gullit was the manager at Newcastle, the Dutch legend had something of a falling out with his star centre forward, Shearer, and took the with hindsight disastrous and unpopular decision to drop the big man for a local derby which United needed to win as they'd had a dreadful start to the season. It was a, frankly daft, call from Gullit, and one which effectively cost him his job after The Great Mackem Unwashed won the game at St James' Park 2-1 (in a monsoon) with fans, predictably, wondering why he had left the club's two biggest signings - Shearer and big hard Duncan Ferguson - on the bench and started with a young lad called Paul Robinson up front on his own. So it was perhaps not surprising that Shearer, with a twinkle in his eye, took another opportunity to embarrass his former manager in front of a couple of million viewers, albeit in a jovial and light-hearted manner.


The highlight of Sunday evening's schedule - if not, indeed, all TV ever - was From The North mega-favourite the Goddess that is Gillian Anderson's appearance as the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car on the latest episode of Top Gear. This blogger's life is now complete, dear blog reader. 'I'll decide when it's mildly moist!'

BBC iPlayer experienced its best month on record in January 2015. The on-demand service received three hundred and forty three million requests last month, with TV content seeing record viewership at two hundred and sixty four million. Mobile and tablet requests accounted for forty eight per cent of that figure in January, breaking another record for the platform thanks to a surge in TV and radio customers. Christmas and New Year specials of EastEnders, Top Gear and Miranda attracted around two million customers per episode, while The Voice, Silent Witness, Wolf Hall and The Dumping Ground were also popular. Radio 1's Fearne Cotton Show was the most popular radio show in January, followed closely by the Chris Evans Breakfast Show. Football coverage, The Now Show, The Unbelievable Truth and new Radio 4 series War & Peace also posted impressive download figures.
Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch might not have won the Oscar at the Academy Awards for his nominated performance in The Imitation Game, but he deserves a gold statuette for reportedly sending a personal letter to the family of a late Sherlock fan. A funeral for fourteen-year-old Eve Shepherd, who died on 1 February from breathing complications, took place at Padgate Methodist Church on Monday, the Warrington Guardian reported. Though the in-demand actor could not attend the funeral in person because he was 'filming the show she loved,' Benny found the time to sent her family his condolences. 'I send my deepest sympathies to Eve's family,' Benny wrote. 'To lose someone so young who fought for her health all her life must be beyond endurance. I hope they can take solace from the fact that she was clearly much loved and her support of our show is hugely appreciated and shall be remembered.' He concluded the letter, which was read aloud to funeral attendees, with 'God rest her soul. With all my love and sympathies.' Eve's parents said that she was a huge fan of the drama and would have been elated to know that Benedict wrote her a personalised letter. 'Eve would find this funny as she was a big TV and film fan. She would be giggling her head off at the thought that she was in the newspaper,' her father, Mark, said. The ceremony concluded as a celebration, the processional leaving the church with the Sherlock theme music playing. 'She would be so happy about the letter from Benedict,"'Mark said.

Arsher Ali has revealed that he auditioned to play Moriarty on Sherlock. The actor - who appears in ITV's new drama Arthur & George - said: 'I went up for Moriarty and just got it spectacularly wrong. I got a callback and I was thinking, "This is great - it's great that they're thinking Moriarty could be like me." But I just completely wasn't expecting or didn't cotton on to what Andrew [Scott] eventually did. He's fantastic in it, but that's not how I saw it at all - so I missed that boat.'Ali plays George Edalji in Arthur & George - a real-life figure who was falsely accused of committing a violent crime and found an unexpected champion in Arthur Conan Doyle (played by Martin Clunes). The role of good-natured Edalji particularly appealed to Ali after playing the unscrupulous journalist Malik Suri on BBC1's The Missing. 'I knew that [character] would be hated and that everyone would think I was a massive bastard,' he noted. 'I was halfway through filming it and I thought, "Oh God, what have I done?" Maybe I should make him more charming and likeable. But no, you don't do that at all - that's not in the script, that's just the actor getting in the way because he wants to be liked - all actors want to be liked, I don't care what anyone says. So the contrast between that journalist character and George was huge - and when you're an actor that's what you want, the opportunities to show different sides of yourself - your range.'

Performers from a theatre production of The Producers have gate-crashed the opening of the UKiP spring conference in Margate. The performers, clad in Nazi regalia and driving a white tank, made an appearance outside The Winter Gardens and sang a few choruses of 'Springtime For Hitler'. The venue is hosting the start of the UKiP conference this weekend. The UK tour of The Producers opens in Bromley next week.
And, on a somewhat related theme, once again it has been pointed out to this blogger that in a recent From The North article in which UKiP were mentioned, the image used to illustrate the story was not, in actual fact, one of the UKiP leader Nigel Farage but, rather, a photo of Satan. This blogger wishes, sincerely, to apologise for any distress or embarrassment caused. To Satan.
Speaking of Mister Farago, a tip; it's usually a good idea to check behind you when you sit down if there are cameras about.
Intruders has been very cancelled by the BBC. Because it was shit and no one was watching it. Which is the usual reason why shows get cancelled. Showrunner Glen Morgan confirmed that the John Simm drama 'will live only in eight episodes' after failing to impress the broadcaster with its performance or find any sort of an audience. The BBC America and BBC2 co-production starred Simm as Whelan, who has escaped a dark, violent past for a quiet life in the Pacific Northwest. Morgan tweeted: 'Well, Reverti, this life is over. Intruders will live only in eight episodes. We can't thank those that supported us enough.'Meanwhile, author Michael Marshall Smith - who wrote the novel that the series was adapted from - praised Morgan and his team for the 'brilliant' job they did on the series. He wrote: 'It was never a given there would be more - though we did discuss ideas for future arcs - and for a variety of reasons the first season had to out-perform the norm in order to continue. Unfortunately it did not. Why? Well, they didn't play it safe. The show was distinctive and unusual, narratively uncompromising and texturally bold. In a world where many viewers will bail after twenty minutes because something's not just like everything else, it dared to ask people to care - to keep the faith and wait to see what happens next.' So, there you go dear blog reader, it's all our fault, apparently. Thanks for the heads-up on that score, Michael. 'They didn't sell the book short: they did it proud. As a novelist that makes you feel very privileged, and grateful. A huge thanks to everyone who watched and supported the show - you made the whole thing fun, before and during, and are still doing so afterwards. I'm glad to know you.'

An - obviously complete impartial and above-board and not at all corrupt - inquiry in Rwanda has recommended that the government initiate criminal and civil proceedings against the BBC over a documentary which questioned official accounts of the 1994 genocide. Inquiry head Martin Ngoga claimed that the documentary failed to meet the BBC's own editorial standards. The BBC says it is 'extremely disappointed' by the findings. Rwanda suspended broadcasts by the BBC's Kinyarwanda language service after the documentary was aired. 'We stand by our right to produce the independent journalism which has made us the world's most trusted news source,' the BBC said in a statement. It said the programme was still going through its editorial complaints process. 'This process has not yet concluded but the provisional findings are that the documentary does not breach the BBC's editorial standards,' the BBC said. At least eight hundred thousand people died in the genocide over a one hundred-day period in 1994. Those killed are generally believed to be mostly members of the minority ethnic Tutsi group and Hutus opposed to the mass slaughter. The BBC programme Rwanda, The Untold Story, included interviews with US-based researchers who say most of those killed may have been Hutus, killed by members of the then-rebel Rwandan Patriotic Front, which has been in power since 1994. The programme also included interviews with former aides of RPF leader President Paul Kagame, accusing him of plotting to shoot down the presidential plane - the act seen as triggering the slaughter. He has strenuously denied previous such accusations. One or two people even believed him. Critics in Rwanda alleged that the documentary was an attempt to revise the history and facts of the genocide and disrespected the memory of those who had died. Although, arguably less disrespectful than the act that some sick and evil fucker killed them in the first place. The BBC 'strongly rejects any suggestion that any part of this documentary constitutes genocide denial.' A parliamentary resolution in October said the programme's producer and presenter, as well as those interviewed for the documentary, should be charged with genocide denial - a punishable crime in Rwanda. The BBC argued around the same time that it had a duty to investigate 'difficult and challenging subjects' and believed the programme was 'a valuable contribution to the understanding of the tragic history of the country and the region.' The BBC also said several attempts to get the Rwandan government to respond to the allegations for the programme had not been taken up.

The BBC's political editor Nick Robinson is to have an operation to remove a tumour from his lung. The fifty one-year-old slapheed will take a short time off work to recover after the bronchial carcinoid tumour is removed. The BBC said he was aiming to be back working prior to May's general erection. Robinson joined the BBC in 1986 as a trainee producer. He has been in his current role since 2005, having left the BBC for ITV for a short period. A BBC spokesman said: 'Everyone at the BBC wishes Nick a speedy recovery.' The sentiment was echoed by the oily Prime Minister David Cameron and leader of the opposition Ed Milimolimandi who both tweeted their best wishes. The broadcaster, who has a wife and three children, thanked people on Twitter for their 'many kind and generous messages.' The BBC said he had asked that he and his family be allowed 'the space and privacy he needs in order to rest and recover fully before returning to work.' Carcinoid tumours are rare and tend to be slow growing and may not cause symptoms for several years, according to Cancer Research UK.

Indian Summers will return for a second series in 2016, Channel Four has confirmed. The ten-part second run will be set in 1935, three years after the events of the current series.

Harrison Ford will reprise his role as police officer Rick Deckard in the forthcoming Blade Runner sequel, it has been confirmed. Denis Villeneuve, who directed Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal in the kidnap drama Prisoners, is currently 'in talks' to direct. The story takes place several decades after the conclusion of the cult 1982 steampunk masterpiece, which was based on Philip K Dick novel Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? The film is scheduled to start shooting in the summer of 2016. The original movie, directed by Sir Ridley Scott, saw Deckard hunting down genetically engineered replicants in a futuristic Los Angeles,set in 2019. The sequel - reportedly based on an idea from Scott, who will also produce the new film - has been written by Hampton Fancher, who co-wrote the original screenplay. 'We are honoured that Harrison is joining us on this journey,' said producers Andrew Kosove and Broderick Johnson in a joint statement. 'Hampton and Michael, with Sir Ridley Scott, have crafted a uniquely potent and faithful sequel to one of the most universally celebrated films of all time, and we couldn't be more thrilled with this amazing, creative team.' It marks the third occasion that Ford has returned to an iconic role. In 2008, he reprised to the part of Indiana Jones nearly twenty years after the franchise came to a halt in 1989. Later this year, the seventy two-year-old will return to the role of Han Solo in the latest addition to the Star Wars franchise, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Last year he broke his leg on the set of the film.

James Bond movie director Sam Mendes has revealed that Spectre will focus on 007's childhood as an orphan. Spectre is a movie entirely driven by Bond,"'Mendes explained in a new behind-the-scenes Vlog. 'He is on a mission from the very beginning.' The director also said the storyline would develop the characters of Ralph Fiennes as M, Naomie Harris as Moneypenny and Ben Whishaw as Q. The vlog also features footage of the characters shooting scenes, in addition to a glimpse of a car chase. Spectre will be Daniel Craig's fourth outing as 007, but he has hinted it could be his final movie in the franchise. 'The reasons I'm doing the second Bond movie are the reasons I would do any movie, really, which is all to do with the story, Mendes said. Bond's tragic childhood in Scotland and the death of his parents featured in the previous movie, Skyfall. Mendes said that the new film returned to the theme: 'It's about whether or not to pursue the life he's always pursued, whether he matters and is he going to continue or not.' The first picture of Dave Bautista as the villainous assassin Mister Hinx was publicly unveiled this week. Spectre's cast also includes Lea Seydoux, Andrew Scott, Christoph Waltz and Monica Bellucci.

The Liverpool childhood home yer actual Sir Paul McCartney his very self has sold for one hundred and fifty thousand smackers at auction. The terraced house in Western Avenue, Speke, was where the musician lived with his parents from 1947 until the mid-1950s. McCartney's mother, Mary, worked as a midwife at the time and the family are said to have been 'well-known in the community.' The sale was held at Liverpool's Cavern Club. Be-Atles guide Paul Beesley said: 'This is an important house because it's where Paul spent his formative schoolboy years. He was exposed to music from an early age and his dad had a jazz band. Paul's first instrument was the trumpet. There's an interesting anecdote about the lady who moved into this house after the McCartneys left. She found a Rupert The Bear book in the loft, which was signed with "this book belongs to Paul and Mike McCartney." Paul was a big Rupert The Bear fan and he actually met this lady after hearing she had found the book.' Stephen Giddins, of estate agents Entwistle Green, said that the property had sold well above the guide price of a hundred thousand knicker. 'We are delighted for our client, as we were consciously aware that there was a lot of interest in the property and we wanted to ensure that this translated into achieving the best price possible for them,' he said. News of the auction comes three months after a home once lived in by McCartney's fellow band member yer actual George Harrison was sold for one hundred and fifty six grand. Other recent sales of Be-Atles memorabilia have included a toilet seat once owned by alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie John Lennon - which sold for nine thousand five hundred quid - and one of his guitars. The Be-Atles were a popular beat combo of the 1960s, dear blog reader. You might have heard of them.
Filthy old nonce and disgusting disgraceful kiddie-fiddler Gary Glitter has been extremely jailed for a total of sixteen years for sexually abusing three young girls between 1975 and 1980. What an effing twat, eh? Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, was sentenced for one attempted rape, four counts of indecent assault and one of having sex with a girl under thirteen. Which means that now, he's the leader, he's the leader, he's the leader of the (chain) gang, he is. Sentencing, Judge Alistair McCreath said that he could find 'no real evidence' that Glitter had atoned for his sick and terrible crimes. The seventy-year-old showed no emotion as he left the dock at Southwark Crown Court to begin his life in stir. Judge McCreath told Glitter that it was clear his victims 'were all profoundly affected' by his abuse of them. 'You did all of them real and lasting damage and you did so for no other reason than to obtain sexual gratification for yourself of a wholly improper kind,' he said. McCreath said the guidelines dictated that he must take the current sentencing options into account for the historical offences, which had taken place at a time when 'the sentencing climate was less severe' for kiddie-fiddlers. He said: 'The offences for which I must pass sentence today took place many years ago at a time when in particular, in respect of one of them, the maximum sentence was considerably lower than that which is now available.' McCreath said the modern equivalent offence of unlawful intercourse with a child under thirteen would be equivalent to rape of a child, but said that he was not permitted to pass a life sentence. He said the offence of attempted rape was 'so serious' as to justify the maximum available sentence available under the old regime of seven years which, he noted, could be considered as a lenient sentence under modern guidelines. Sallie Bennett-Jenkins QC, defending, told the court that Glitter had been subject to a 'very high degree of vilification' and 'demonification' in the press after being jailed in Viet'nam in 2006 for molesting two girls aged eleven and twelve. All of which is probably true but, we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for him? She said that Glitter had led 'an increasingly isolated life' for the last decade - in which case, one could suggest a good long stretch in solitary should be no problem for him whatsoever - and had been unable to walk down the street 'without being the subject of vilification.' Yes but, to be fair, he used to get that from people who didn't like his records as much as from those horrified by his, at the time, alleged sinful and naughty ways. Glitter was found very guilty at the end of a three-week-long trial earlier this month. He had been at the height of his fame when he attacked two girls aged twelve and thirteen after inviting them backstage to his dressing room. His youngest victim had been younger than ten when he crept into her bed and tried to rape her in 1975. One is forced to repeat, what a twat.

Charlton Not Very Athletic have admitted that video footage of a couple apparently having sex on the centre spot of the pitch at The Valley was, in fact, a publicity stunt. The video of the man and woman had more than a million views on social media. The Addicks had claimed that the amorous pair had broken into the ground and they were 'investigating' the footage. 'We decided to own up and explain that it was set up by us to launch our pitch hire campaign,' said commercial manager Mark Hassan-Ali. The club are hiring out their pitch for fans to play on in the summer and launched the offer on their website under the headline Score at the Valley.
An unexploded Second World War bomb has been discovered close to Borussia Dortmund's Signal Iduna Park ground. The five hundred and fifty pound device, reported by German broadcaster DW as being 'of British origin', was found on Thursday and plans are in place to try and defuse it. The discovery came just hours before Dortmund boss Jurgen Klopp was due to give a news conference ahead of Saturday's derby against Schalke. The eighty thousand capacity stadium and the surrounding area was evacuated. 'It is not yet known how long the stadium area will remain off limits,' Dortmund, who shut their Fan World space and club museum, said in a brief statement. The bomb was found at a parking area to the west of the Signal Iduna Park and was discovered after viewing aerial photographs. Finding unexploded World War II bombs is a relatively common occurrence in Germany where several million tonnes of bombs were dropped by Bomber Command and the Soviet air force. The city of Dortmund suffered extensive destruction during bombing raids. Mind you, they did start the war in the first place so, you know, one could argue that those who live by the sword, die by the sword. Of course, the pen is mightier than the sword (and, much easier to fit into your top pocket as well).

China should start 'training babies' if the country is to be successful at football, according to President Xi Jinping. Who is, obviously, not mental nor nothing. The government has approved the country's 'football reform plan' and says that being good at football is the 'ardent wish of the whole nation.' As, it is indeed, the fervent wish of England. And, it's equally unlikely to happen any time soon. In its summary of the reform plan, state news agency Xinhua said: 'Grasp the development opportunity as babies.' Xi, a football fan, reportedly has three wishes for China - to qualify for another World Cup, to host one and to win one. This blogger also had three wishes although, to be fair, one of them doesn't involve football. Instead, it involves a paradise island, a big dirty woman, a swimming pool and nice plate of tasty prawn chow mein. Swings and roundabouts, innit. But, perhaps this blogger has said too much. Anyway, the Asian nation, which has a population of around 1.35 billion people, is currently placed eighty second in the FIFA world rankings. China qualified for its one and only World Cup appearance at the 2002 finals, which were held in Japan and South Korea, losing all three group games, without scoring a goal.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day dear blog reader, this blogger has dug out one of his very favouritist records of all time (naff video, though). Sing, Modfather.

The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has confirmed that yer actual Jenna Coleman had planned to leave Doctor Who at the end of its eighth series last year. The actress was widely rumoured to be leaving her role as Clara but didn't, and will rejoin Peter Capaldi his very self for the upcoming ninth run. Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods A'fore He) has told Doctor Who Magazine that series eight closer Death In Heaven was originally intended to feature Jenna's final appearance in the BBC's long-running popular family SF drama. 'That was her last episode,' he said. 'And then, she asked me if she could be in [the] Christmas [special]. So I said, "Okay, I'll write you out in Christmas." She came to the read through and did the "write out" version - and, again, changed her mind.' Despite Clara's ever-changing fate, Moffat his very self insisted that he 'never wanted [her] to go. I didn't really want Death In Heaven to be her last episode,' he said. 'And with Last Christmas, I'd already written the alternative version where she stayed and I preferred that version. Frankly, I didn't want to lose her. She's an amazing actress and she never stops working to make Clara better. I was very happy to go the extra mile to make sure we could keep her.'
The new edition of Doctor Who Magazine also features The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat reflecting on last year's series and on how The Doctor might change in the next season. 'We're not bringing him back exactly as we left him, at all, I think that was already evident at Christmas. He's left some of the burden of being a superhero of the universe behind. So I'm pushing him – I'm writing quite funny this year – I'm pushing him the other way.
Behind every good Doctor - and, The Crap One, for that matter - is a great woman. Or, in the case of The Crap One, Nicola Bryant and Bonnie Langford. Whether it's Sarah Jane Smith, Donna Noble, Rose Tyler, Amy Pond or the Time Lord's current companion Clara, adventures in time and space just wouldn't be the same without the women of Doctor Who. And, let's not forget the many ladies behind the scenes who have made the show great over the years, from Verity Lambert and Delia Derbyshire to Julie Gardner, the show owes a huge debt to its brilliant women. To mark International Women's Day on Sunday the BBC released this picture of all the women currently hard at work on series nine. Nice to see Michelle Gomez front and centre next to Jenna Coleman.
On a marginally related theme, some of the BBC's best-known female presenters have 'got off their backsides to get active.' Gabby Logan, Suzi Perry, Jo Whiley, Helen Skelton and Louise Minchin are a few of the twenty plus familiar faces featured in a trailer forThis Girl Can - a national campaign to inspire women of all ages to exercise and which was also released on International Women's Day. Whether this entirely excellent endeavour will be followed by some of the Beeb's more lardy chaps being pictured an a sofa eating crisps as part of a Turns Out This Bloke Can't campaign is not, at this time, known,

ITV's new historical drama Arthur & George was the most-watched programme apart from the soaps on Monday, overnight data has shown. The Martin Clunes vehicle - which was all right but hardly earth-shattering - brought in an average 5.29 million overnight viewers at 9pm. Earlier, Wor Geet Canny Robson Green's More Tales From Northumberland featuring Wor Geet Canny Robson Green His very Self appealed to 3.11m at 8pm. On BBC1, Inside Out interested 3.57m at 7.30pm, while Panorama was seen by 2.37m at 8.30pm. Crimewatch had an audience of 3.33m at 9pm. Don't have nightmares. BBC2's University Challenge was watched by a bumper 3.09m punters at 8pm, followed by another terrific episode of Only Connect with 2.56m at 8.30pm. A Cook Abroad gathered 1.76m at 9pm, while Let's Play Darts For Comic Relief had 1.61m at 10pm. On Channel Four, Dispatches had an audience of 1.07m at 8pm, while Food Unwrapped was seen by 1.39m at 8.30pm. NHS: Two Billion A Week & Counting attracted seven hundred and seven thousand at 9pm. Channel Five's Police Interceptors brought in eight hundred and sixty nine thousand at 8pm, followed by Benefits: Life On The Dole with 1.51m at 9pm and Ten Thousand BC with six hundred and seventy thousand at 10pm. On FOX, The Walking Dead was watched by seven hundred and seven thousand punters at 9pm.
Channel Four's Drugs Live experiment brought in over one million overnight viewers on a pretty quiet Tuesday evening across all channels. The Jon Snow-fronted show, which had been the subject of much pre-publicity, was seen by an average of 1.26m at 10pm. Earlier, Mary Portas: Secret Shopper appealed to 1.35m at 8pm, followed by The Romanians Are Coming with 1.20m at 9pm. BBC1's The ONE Show was the most-watched programme outside soaps with 4.23m at 7pm which, in and of itself, gives one an idea of just how quiet a night it was. The Gift brought in 2.67m at 9pm and, blimey, what a right flop that's turned out to be. If only someone had predicted before the series started that it would turn out to be such a pile of rancid phlegm. Oh, wait a minute, this blogger did. On BBC2, Natural World attracted 2.11m at 8pm, followed by Horizon with 1.80m at 9pm and Let's Play Darts For Comic Relief with 1.55m at 10pm. ITV's River Monsters interested 1.94m at 7.30pm, while Bargain Fever Britain gathered 2.58m at 8pm. Exposure was watched by just 1.28m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Costa Del Casualty attracted seven hundred and ninety six thousand at 8pm, followed by Killer Psychopaths: The Suffolk Strangler with eight hundred and three thousand at 9pm.

The Great Comic Relief Bake Off bounced back in the overnight ratings on Wednesday. The latest episode of the BBC1 show - this one featuring that awful, hideous Wood woman - rose by around six hundred thousand viewers from the previous episode - when it went up against ITV's Brit Awards coverage - attracting an average 6.56 million at 8pm. Later, Match of the Day scored 2.28m at 10.35pm. A damn sight more than yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies scored in their catastrophic home defeat to The Scum, with all the hockling and that. On BBC2, Suffragettes Forever brought in eight hundred thousand at 8pm, followed by This World with four hundred and seventy thousand at 9pm and Let's Play Darts For Comic Relief with 1.20m at 10pm. ITV's horrifically dreadful and nasty Big Star's Little Star was watched by a satisfyingly low audience of 2.93m at 8pm, while DCI Banks returned with 4.01m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Location, Location, Location appealed to 1.19m at 8pm, followed by Twenty Four Hours In A&E with 1.65m at 9pm. Being Bipolar interested eight hundred and ninety three thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's GPs Behind Closed Doors attracted nine hundred and fifty two thousand at 8pm, while My Violent Child was seen by 1.03m at 9pm.

Nearly three hundred thousand people watched India's Daughter, the controversial Storyville documentary on the gang-rape of a young woman in Delhi, after its broadcast was brought forward by the BBC. The film, which had been due to be shown on BBC4 on International Women’s Day on Sunday, had an audience of two hundred and eighty six thousand viewers, a two per cent share of the available audience, between 10pm and 11pm on Wednesday. Delhi authorities had banned the broadcast of the film in India, prompting its British director Leslee Udwin to call on the Indian prime minister, Narendra Modi, to 'deal with the unceremonious silencing of the film.' The BBC said that it had brought forward the broadcast 'given the intense level of interest in the Storyville film', enabling viewers to 'see this incredibly powerful documentary at the earliest opportunity.'A spokesperson said on Thursday that the BBC had received thirty two complaints about the film - although Christ only knows what the thirty two whingers were whinging about - while four viewers had contacted the BBC in support of the film. Based on the brutal rape in December 2012 of twenty three-year-old physiotherapy student Jyoti Singh, Udwin's documentary includes interviews with one of the men convicted for the dreadful crime, who is now in prison and waiting for the supreme court to hear his appeal against the death sentence. It was the highest rating documentary in BBC4's Storyville series so far this year, with a five-minute peak of three hundred and fifty two thousand viewers. It was broadly in line with the ratings average for that particular slot. The BBC said that the film, which seeks to explore the crime and the cultural context in which it was committed, provided a 'revealing insight into a horrific crime that sent shock waves around the world and led to protests across India demanding changes in attitudes towards women.'

BBC2's new drama Banished launched with over three million overnight viewers on Thursday evening. The series - written by bitter old whinging Red Jimmy McGovern and starring Russell Tovey - attracted an average 3.40m at 9pm. How many of those will be back to watch episode two is not, at this time, known. Earlier, The Great British Sewing Bee appealed to 2.96m at 8pm, while Let's Play Darts For Comic Relief was watched by 1.48m at 10pm. BBC1's DIY SOS was the most-watched programme on Thursday outside soaps with 3.64m at 8pm. The People's Strictly was seen by 3.07m at 9pm, while Question Time brought in 2.39m at 10.35pm. On ITV, conceptually mind-numbing clip-show The Nation's Favourite Seventies Number One failed too entertain 2.86m at 8.30pm. Channel Four's Supervet gathered 1.49m at 8pm, followed by the latest episode of Cucumber with six hundred and thirty two thousand at 9pm. On Channel Five, Britain's Worst Crimes was seen by four hundred and sixty two thousand at 8pm, while Britain's Biggest Primary School had five hundred and seventy one thousand viewers at 9pm. The Mentalist attracted six hundred and seventy four thousand at 10pm. Sky Atlantic's Fortitude brought in three hundred and ninety thousand at 9pm.

Thursday also saw the final episode of BBC4's Saints and Sinners: Britain's Millennium of Monasteries which was thoroughly excellent, as always. But, it did rather highlight the documentary's unfortunate habit of allowing its cameraman - presumably under orders from the director - to film lots of close-up shots of Janina Ramirez's shapely calves.
Now, do not get this blogger wrong dear blog reader, no one - and I mean no one - admires a nice shapely calf more than yer actual Keith Telly Topping. Oh no, perish the thought. But, having half-a-dozen such shots per episode in a three-part series does, rather, risk opening up the production to the accusation of objectification of the calves in question. And, especially in a programme with a quasi-religious subject matter such as this, the fact that the calf-bone's connected to the foot-bone should, perhaps, have been taken into account. After all, feet have soles too. Okay, I'll get me coat ...
Gogglebox's overnight audience rose to 3.39m on Friday. The Channel Four show's ratings were up slightly on the previous week's audience of 3.28m. Earlier in the evening, the channel's coverage of Crufts was seen by 1.32m, while First Dates returned at 10pm to 1.51m. BBC1's primetime schedule opened with The ONE Show at 7pm - the highest-rated primetime programme outside of soaps - with 3.81m. Later 3.02m watched Inside Out at 7.30pm. Room 101 had 2.54m at 8.30pm, while 3.03m watched the latest episode of The Musketeers at 9pm. The Graham Norton Show, featuring Jennifer Saunders, David Walliams, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, Jack Dee and Johnny Vegas, had an overnight audience of to 3.34m. On ITV, Bear Grylls' celebrity endurance show Mission Survive was up slightly on last week with 3.08m at 9pm, while it was preceded by Barging Round Britain at 8pm with 3.04m. BBC2's evening programming opened with Wanted In Paradise (eight hundred and ten thousand) at 7pm, followed by 1.97m for Mastermind at 8pm. Gardeners' World was seen by 2.23m at 8.30pm and Nelson: In His Own Words, a drama documentary about Horatio Nelson, had 1.03m at 9pm. The second semi-final of Let's Play Darts For Comic Relief attracted an audience of 1.54m at 10pm. Channel Five's highest-rated programme of the evening was NCIS: New Orleans, with nine hundred and twenty one thousand at 9pm. NCIS continued with eight hundred and seventeen thousand at 10pm.

The Voice continued its reign over Saturday evenings - and piss all over Ant and/or Dec into the bargain - with almost seven million overnight viewers. An average of 6.99m tuned-in for the latest Battle Rounds episode, slightly down on last week's overnight figure of 7.23m. The BBC's singing competition was preceded by Match Of The Day Live, attracting 3.98m from 5.15pm to 7.30pm as Aston Villains played West Bromwich Albinos and there was a geet rive-on at the end with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts. Which, frankly, was a shade more entertaining than the match itself. Casualty played to 4.89m at 9.30pm. ITV's schedule led with Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway from 7pm, being watched by 5.94m until 8.30pm. Take Me Out followed with 3.20m, while The Jonathan Ross Show was watched by 2.09m from 10pm to 11pm. Reginald D Hunter's Songs Of The South was the most watched programme on BBC2, with an average of 1.38m viewers between 9.30pm and 10.30pm. Dad's Army attracted 1.28m from 8.30pm, followed by 1.31m for a repeat of Qi. On Channel Four, two hours of Crufts coverage from 7pm attracted 1.26m dog lovers. Angelina Jolie's action thriller Salt had an audience of 1.12m at 9pm. Meanwhile, Channel Five had eight hundred and eighty four thousand at 9pm with an episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. On the multichannels, Foyle's War gave ITV3 nine hundred and four thousand.


BBC2's acclaimed Hilary Mantel adaptation Wolf Hall has become the channel's most popular drama since the modern TV ratings system began thirteen years ago. The six-part series, starring Mark Rylance as Thomas Cromwell, Damian Lewis as Henry VIII and Claire Foy as Anne Boleyn, had an average of 4.4 million viewers a week, a sixteen per cent share of the available audience. It was just ahead of the channel's previous biggest rating drama, its 2002 adaptation of Sarah Waters'Tipping the Velvet. Peter Kosminsky, the Wolf Hall director, previously better known for gritty social drama, said: 'I grew up in a three channel era when you really could say that a significant proportion of the population was simultaneously watching the latest TV drama. It's therefore such a thrill to learn today that Wolf Hall has broken BBC2's own "box office record". Many millions of people made the choice to watch a difficult, challenging, highly political drama that only the BBC could make. I think that bodes well for the future.'Wolf Hall is only one of five BBC2 dramas since 2002 to have averaged more than four million viewers in the consolidated ratings. More than half of the channel's top ten dramas were broadcast in the last three years, including both series of the Gillian Anderson thriller The Fall and two series of Jed Mercurio's acclaimed police drama, Line Of Duty. A new ratings system was introduced in the UK in 2002. Steven Spielberg's Band Of Brothers, broadcast on BBC2 in 2001, also averaged 4.4 million viewers. The BBC2 controller, Kim Shillinglaw, said: 'Enabling programme makers to produce their very best, most authored work is exactly what I want BBC2 to do and I'm delighted that the Wolf Hall team achieved it so magnificently.'

Things have been tough at Newsnight, according to some pond scum louse of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star, what with star-signing from ITV Laura Kuenssberg currently on an extended leave and Paxo's replacement, Evan Davis, recently having Jon Snow damn him with faint praise with the comment: 'He's very good on the radio.'But at least the demoralised programme is showing signs of buoyant creativity in devising 'nugs' (that's plugs posing as news). This blogger is unaware, for instance, of anyone previously pulling off two plugs in a single 'news' item, like last Tuesday's Kirsty Wark interview publicising both Wednesday's Wolf Hall finale and her own offering Wolf Hall: The Inside Story which followed it on BBC4.

The BBC has announced plans for a new production division called BBC Studios. Director General Tony Hall outlined a new strategy which will be created within the public service, independent of BBC Television its very self. The move aims to give production 'greater visibility within the BBC and an increased autonomy over its long-term strategy,' apparently. Whatever that means. Speaking at Broadcasting House on Monday, Lord Hall said: 'One only has to look at the incredible richness and range of the current BBC Production portfolio, from a reinvigorated EastEnders to world leading natural history, shows like Strictly that bring the nation together, award-winning comedy and drama and of course our music and arts programming - a range no other studio can match - to understand how important it is that we ensure BBC Production continues to flourish creatively in the future.'The leader of the division will report directly to Hall and sit on the BBC Executive Team. Hall also proposed plans to, eventually, grant BBC Studios the ability to offer programmes to any broadcaster around the world and in the UK. However, genres such as children's and sport will not be included in the new proposals as they have different production models. If BBC Studios were to move into the commercial market, it would require BBC Trust approval and a change to the BBC's Royal Charter. Lord Hall said: 'A successful BBC Production is vital to the BBC's future. It provides a source of well-loved programmes and enables us to meet our public service aims. I want BBC Studios to play a great part in this new golden age of broadcasting. This is important. We want to get it right. We will get it right. And we'll take our time to ensure we do just that.' It has also been proposed that the requirement for fifty per cent of BBC programming to be produced in-house would be dropped. Hall also spoke about the possibility of changing the licence fee to include those who only watch TV on catch-up services.

Idris Elba will be joined by Rose Leslie, Laura Haddock and Darren Boyd in a new two-part Luther special. Elba's John Luther will be 'pitted against his most chilling adversary yet, haunted by the ghosts of his past and hell-bent on retribution.' The excellent Michael Smiley (Benny Silver) and Dermot Crowley (Martin Schenk) will also reprise their roles from the previous series, though the BBC is yet to confirm if fan-favourite Ruth Wilson will be back as the completely mad murderess Alice Morgan. Elba said: 'It's great we've been able to do this Luther special. John is so close to my heart, he's part of me. The fans won't be disappointed with his return – it's explosive and definitely goes up a gear!' The series creator Neil Cross returns to write the new Luther episodes, which are currently shooting in East London.
Chris Chibnall has hit back at Broadchurch critics, defending series two's portrayal of the trial process. In a column for the Gruniad morning Star, the writer insisted that the ITV thriller's latest episodes - which saw Joe Miller on trial for the murder of Danny Latimer - were 'devised as the result of months of research and consultation. Before we started to plot or write, we researched trials of the past twenty years and attended criminal proceedings,' he explained. 'Alongside a respected police adviser from the first series, we brought on highly-qualified, experienced and practising members of the legal profession. Critics argued the defence wouldn't be allowed to suggest Mark Latimer (played by Andrew Buchan) as an alternate killer. Our advisers were - and remain (I checked) - adamant on this: if they were defending, they could and would run this approach. Others thought the cross-examination of Ellie Miller (Olivia Colman) in the witness box was unrealistic: our police adviser told me, after watching: "I've been there, that's exactly what it's like." Of course, in the legal profession, every opinion is open to argument. But we were not cavalier.' Chibnall did acknowledge that it was 'a big risk' to have the second series revolve around a court case, but argued: 'Broadchurch has always been about the impact of crime, on all those affected. I knew it would be a big risk to develop and reshape the show this way,' he continued. 'It would also mean taking a different approach to legal drama: favouring the experience and point of view of the victim's family. So court scenes would only be one component. That choice meant complex procedure had to be compressed. Every writer has compressed time and procedure and used clarifying dialogue. That's not a scandal: it's a legitimate dramatic technique. Lawyers have howled their objections in the press (they're professional advocates, after all). That's fine. Such criticism is not unique to Broadchurch: legal dramas have always been attacked by lawyers. We knew it would happen and were steeled for it.' A third series - again starring yer actual David Tennant and Olivia Colman her very self - has already been commissioned.
Aidan Turner, star of Being Human, The Hobbit and now Poldark, was mobbed at a BFI screening of the BBC’s reworking of the Eighteen Century costume drama, after which much of the Q&A was devoted to a nude swimming scene already talked of as the Irish actor's 'Colin Firth moment.' Mystery, however, surrounds the origins of the splendid full-body tan this scene shows off, which suits the drama's Cornish setting. Asked to name her favourite scene, Aidan's co-star, Eleanor Tomlinson, who plays Demelza, couldn't come up with one but instead mentioned that 'watching Aidan get spray-tanned' was 'interesting.''That didn't happen! She's lying, that did not happen!' Turner insisted, failing to dispel the impression as he continued that he was protesting too much.
Turner has also admitted that the cast of the period drama were 'scared' of mumbling complaints during filming. The actor said that the - mostly media created - furore around last year's Jamaica Inn adaptation affected the cast. Hundreds of viewers whinged about 'sound issues' during the first episode of Jamaica Inn, with some suggesting the problems came from cast members 'mumbling their lines.' Turner told the Radio Times: 'I didn't see the show Jamaica Inn but the fuss about it spooked us all a lot. We started shooting a few weeks later and I can tell you all the actors were aiming for ten out of ten on enunciation. I'm doing posh RP anyway so it didn't really affect me directly but I was scared.'
Olivia Colman and Tom Hollander have joined the cast of The Night Manager. Elizabeth Debicki will also star in the BBC adaptation of John le Carré's novel. Huge Laurie and Tom Hiddleston have already been announced as part of the cast for the series, which will be shown on AMC in the US. Colly will play an intelligence operative named Burr who recruits British soldier Jonathan Pine (played by Hiddleston) to investigate Whitehall and Washington's intelligence communities. Pine must infiltrate the inner circle of lethal arms dealer Richard Onslow Roper (Laurie). Debicki will play Roper's girlfriend, Jed, while Hollander will appear as one of his associates, Corcoran. An espionage novel published in 1993, the story also follows Pine as he works as the night auditor of a luxurious hotel. The novel's very good so, hopefully, this televising of it will be too. Certainly with a cast of that quality, it's got a good chance. Filming on The Night Manager will begin in the spring ahead of broadcast in early 2016.

JK Rowling has admitted to crying while watching The Casual Vacancy. Blimey, this blogger wasn't bowled over by it either but didn't think it was that bad.
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Tracey Ullman is to return to the BBC with her own comedy series, some thirty years after she was last a regular face on British TV. The actress, writer and singer, who has enjoyed decades of success in America, said it was 'a privilege' to be back. Her six-part series, The Tracey Ullman Show, is part of a raft of new comedy commissions announced by the BBC. Other programmes include a Rory Bremner erection special and a new series starring yer actual Ben Miller. Ullman last appeared on the BBC in A Kick Up The Eighties and Three Of A Kind in the early and mid-1980s. The fact that the latter featured Lenny Henry back when he was still reasonably funny demonstrates just how long ago it was. She also starred in ITV absolutely awful sitcom Girls On Top with French and Saunders and Ruby Wax, before emigrating to the United States. She later created The Tracey Ullman Show for the US FOX network, winning several EMMY and Golden Globe awards. The show famously spawned the cartoon series The Simpsons, which started out as short sketches either side of commercial breaks on The Tracy Ullman Show. 'It's a privilege to be doing this,' said Ullman of her new BBC series. 'I still feel as inspired to inhabit people as I did when I was six, standing on the windowsill in my mother's bedroom, putting on a show. The BBC has changed a bit since the last time I worked here, when it was all men in bow ties who had completed National Service. Now there are a lot more women,' she continued. 'Great ones. The important things haven't changed, though. The BBC still provides an environment that allows you to the freedom to create the best shows possible.''It's about time the Americans gave her back,' said Shane Allen, controller of BBC comedy commissioning. 'Tracey has been the missing gem in the British comedy crown for too long. Talent doesn't come much bigger and the BBC audience is in for a huge treat.' Other comedy commissions announced on Wednesday of this week include I Want My Wife Back, a six-part BBC1 series with Ben Miller as a man whose wife walks out on their marriage on her fortieth birthday. BBC2, meanwhile, will broadcast a one-off programme to celebrate the twenty five-year comedy partnership of Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse. The channel will also make Rory Bremner's Election Report, described as 'a timely post-election special' and a pilot sketch show for impressionist Morgana Robinson. In addition, BBC1 will host the annual Ronnie Barker Comedy Lecture. It will given by a key comedy figure 'to help inspire others, as well as addressing the present day challenges and opportunities facing the industry.' The inaugural speaker is yet to be announced.

The BBC has spent twenty nine per cent less on employees earning more than one hundred grand a year over the past five years, an independent review has revealed. Overall spending on talent - those with an on-air or on-screen presence - was down fifteen per cent, from two hundred and twenty one million smackers to one hundred and eighty eight million. The review said that the BBC had made 'vast improvements' in managing talent pay. But it also made some recommendations, including improving monitoring of diversity of talent and improving use of data on the deals it makes. The Oliver & Ohlbaum review concluded the BBC's savings were down to 'a more relaxed approach' to exclusivity, learning to let top stars leave and paying less. Presenters were also producing more output on different programmes for the same level of pay. The review pointed out that while household names such as Jake Humphrey, Susanna Reid and Chris Moyles had left the corporation, the BBC had still 'maintained the quality of output for licence fee payers.'

ITV has reported a big rise in profits for 2014. Pre-tax profits - including exceptional items - rose thirty nine per cent to six hundred and five million knicker for the year to 31 December. 'ITV delivered another strong performances in 2014,' said chief executive Adam Crozier. 'All parts of the business are progressing well.' The firm announced a full-year dividend of 4.7p, up thirty four per cent, and proposed a two hundred and fifty million quid special dividend worth 6.25p a share. Revenue rose eight per cent, while net advertising revenue rose six per cent. Non advertising revenue rose ten per cent to £1.3bn, boosted by a thirty per cent increase in the company's online, pay and interactive division and a nine per cent increase in revenue to nine hundred and thirty three million knicker at its production arm ITV Studios. The acquisitions of US TV companies Leftfield Entertainment and DiGa Vision in 2014 helped ITV Studios boost international revenue to nearly half the total. During the year, ITV also launched new channels - ITV Encore, its first pay-only channel and ITVBe, a free-to-air channel targeting a young female audience. As well as popular dramas such as Downton Abbey and Doc Martin, ITV will broadcast the Rugby World Cup exclusively in the autumn. Mind you, a series of expensive flops in early 2015 - Harry Hill's Stars In Their Eyes, Get Your Shit Together, Planet's Got Toilets - suggest that they might want to make plans for the next set of profits to be considerably smaller. Commenting on the results, Keith Bowman, equity analyst at Hargreaves Lansdown Stockbrokers, said: 'The group's push to embrace technology continues to be rewarded, underlined by a twenty six per cent increase in viewing for its video-on-demand offering during 2014.'

June Whitfield will join the cast of EastEnders for a one-off appearance later this year. The eighty nine-year-old actress will star opposite Kat Moon (Jessie Wallace) in an episode to be broadcast in May, though no further details were given about the nature of her role. Whitfield, a long-time fan of the show, said that she was 'very excited' to be part of the soap. Actress Jan Harvey is also making a cameo on the show, in a role relating to Sharon Mitchell. 'We are extremely privileged to have two British television legends joining us for guest roles as Albert Square heads into the spring,' said the show's executive producer, Dominic Treadwell-Collins. 'Both June and Jan are class acts, bringing warmth and humanity to two characters who will shed some light on the pasts of two of our most iconic women - Sharon Mitchell and Kat Moon - changing both their lives in very different ways.' Whitfield said: 'I have watched EastEnders for years, and have been so impressed by the standard of acting. It was an absolute delight to work with Jessie Wallace and I am very excited to be part of the show.' Harvey, best known for the 1980s avarice soap Howards Way, said that she had 'loved working on such an iconic show. EastEnders is really like one big family,' she added.

Bizarre telly methods of dispatch. Number one (in a series of one): Megan Boone strangling Mad-Crazy Amanda Plummer in a recent episode of The Blacklist with her thighs. Disturbing. And yet curiously erotic.
Channel Five has confirmed the return date for Gotham. The crime series - which is based on the early years of characters in the Batman franchise - will broadcast a double-bill on Monday 16 March at 9pm. The drama took a mid-season break from UK schedules after its tenth episode in December. Of course, yer actual Keith Telly Topping gets review copies of the episodes sent over from the US so he's already about eight episodes ahead of you lot. Just a bit of bragging there, you understand, dear blog reader. It won't happen again.
Meanwhile, the start date of the third series of Hannibal has been announced. And about bloody time.
Downton Abbey's Lord Snooty has claimed that he has 'no say' over when the bafflingly popular drama will end. The series creator said that Downton's future lies in the hands of owners NBC Universal. Speaking about the show's future with the New York Times, Lord Snooty said: 'It's not really my decision. I don't own Downton Abbey now. NBC Universal [which owns Carnival Films] owns Downton Abbey. So I could walk away. But I wouldn't walk away. It's too much my baby.' Lord Snooty added that he is 'not a believer' in dragging shows out for too long, but suggested that he 'can't immediately' say where Downton Abbey's end point will be. However, he was adamant that the show will not explore beyond the Second World War as that 'would be a different series.'

Peter Kay is to star in a new BBC2 comedy based on Danny Baker's excellent autobiography, Going To Sea In A Sieve. Set in 1974, Cradle To Grave will follow the real-life events of Danny and his family across eight eight-minute episodes. Co-written by Jeff Pope and Baker, the series is due to be broadcast on BBC2 later this year. Kay will play Danny's father, South London docker Fred Baker, alongside Lucy Speed as his long-suffering wife, Bet. Whether Fred - who comes over in the biography as a real larger-than-life character - will have suddenly acquired a Bolton accent is not, at this time, known. Though one wouldn't bet against it. Laurie Kynaston will star as a young Danny and Alice Sykes and Frankie Wilson as Danny's siblings, the soon-to-be-married Sharon and her brother Michael. 'I am thrilled and honoured to be involved in a project of this scale,' said Kay. 'I've never known anything like it before - eight period half-hour episodes, shot as feature films and written to an extremely high standard by Danny Baker and Jeff Pope.''[It's] weird and there's no way around that,' added Dan The Man. 'To see your life played out by actors is always going to be peculiar and also, frankly quite tremendous. I always knew these stories were thunderingly entertaining incidents and that I seemed to be hurtling through a particularly unpredictable, high velocity life peopled by extraordinary characters. Now here they are. This will be a fantastic, rich voyage back to a boisterous often maligned era,' he explained. 'True tales told large - a strong family in a magnificent working class community just getting on with life.'
Broadcasters and Downing Street were at loggerheads on Friday after the television companies made it clear they would press ahead with plans to hold three separate election debates, whether David Cameron took part or not. The networks said that they would go ahead with plans for three debates during the election campaign - two between seven party leaders and one a proposed head-to-head between the prime minister and Ed Milimolimandi. Downing Street described the announcement as 'disappointing' and claimed it was 'willing to discuss the logistics' of Cameron's proposal to take part in one, seven-way debate before the campaign begins. One or two people even believed them. With neither side backing down, it appeared increasingly likely that Cameron would be 'empty chaired.' Cameron - everyone considered him the coward of the county - denied claims that he is 'chicken-shit scared' of TV erection debates, saying that he wanted to 'get on' with his proposal for a seven-way contest. And, also confirming that all those stories about The Jam and The Smiths being his favourite bands were, actually, a load of old crap and, in actual fact, he's a big Kenny Rogers fan. Milimolidmandi - whom, we suspect, always preferred Kajagoogoo - has accused the PM of 'cowering' from the public after he rejected proposals for a head-to-head debate with the Labour leader and being a filthy, stinking coward. Proof, if any were needed that even a broken clock can be right twice a day. The prime minister claimed that the broadcasters were to blame. Yeah, of course. We kind of knew it'd be anybody's fault but Cameron's and his rank and disgraceful cowardice. Meanwhile, the BBC Trust has rejected the Democratic Unionist Party's appeal against its exclusion from the debates. Broadcasters are expected to press ahead with the TV debates and believe that they have strong legal grounds to 'empty-chair' the Tories on the basis that they turned down 'a reasonable invitation to attend'. according to the Gruniad Morning Star. Channel Four, ITV, Sky and the BBC discussed 'a final offer' from No 10 on Thursday, under which Cameron would attend one debate with the leaders of six other parties held the week before parliament's dissolution. Cameron, criticised by other political parties and, you know, normal people, for his reluctance and sickening cowardice, claimed - unconvincingly - that he was only seeking to break the logjam created by the broadcasters' handling of the debates. Alleged 'broadcasting industry insiders' allegedly told the Gruniad Morning Star that they were bound by impartiality rules but were determined that no single party would be able to dictate the terms of the debates. One alleged 'source' allegedly said that the thinking among the broadcasters was that they will hold the debates and if specific people did not want to turn up that would be their own decision. The issue is particularly pertinent for Channel Four and Sky, who were due to broadcast a head-to-head debate between Milimolimandi and Cowardly Cowardly Cameron on 30 April.

Of course, the Torygraph were soon on the case and, according to them, all of this is the BBC's fault. So, no quite sick agenda going down there, then. Headlined TV election debates: Tories go to war over BBC's 'institutional arrogance'the report claims that 'senior Tories are furious with the BBC for attempting to "dictate" the terms of the TV debates ahead of the General Election.' Quite why the BBC are singled out for this treatment when they are one of but four broadcasters who are scheduled to cover the proposed erection debates is unclear. Actually, not, that's not true, it isn't unclear at all. The article, incidentally, gives further opportunity for the odious, hateful pond scum Tory MP - and gobshite - Philip Davies to make his mouth go. This, dear blog reader, in case you hadn't come across him before, is the same Philip Davies who on 7 October 2006, after an act of vandalism which was initially alleged to have been perpetrated by Muslims, was quoted by the Sun as saying 'if there's anybody who should fuck off it's the Muslims who do this sort of thing.' It was later exposed by the Independent, among others, that the incident in question did not, actually, involve any Muslims. The Sun was subsequently forced to issue a - rather grovelling - apology four months later. Davies himself, however, has never apologised for his disgraceful, hate-filled, quasi-Islamophobic comments. Unless he did it very quietly whilst no one was listening. This is also the same Philip Davies who called for the government to 'scrap the Human Rights Act for foreign nationals and chuck them out of the country.' Who said in parliament that disabled workers are 'by definition less productive' and could work for less than the minimum wage. The Conservative party quickly distanced themselves from his comments. This is, also, the same Philip Davies who in March 2007 voted against the Equality Act (Sexual Orientation) Regulations which proposed to allow the Secretary of State to make regulations defining discrimination and harassment on grounds of sexual orientation, create criminal offences. The same Philip Davies who, in March 2011 claimed, wrongly, that there was 'no basis in evidence' that restricting branding on cigarette packets would reduce smoking levels, saying 'I believe that the introduction of plain packaging for cigarettes is gesture politics of the worst kind. It would not have any basis in evidence and it would simply be a triumph for the nanny state and an absurd one at that.' He also complained, while calling for a Parliamentary debate on 'political correctness', about a school production of Romeo and Julian during LGBT History month. Davies is also an organiser for the economically right-wing Taxpayers' Alliance, a - small but very vocal - pressure group which claims to 'speak for' taxpayers rights. This, despite the fact that there are in excess of forty million taxpayers in this country (including gay people, disabled people, Muslims, 'foreign nationals' and several other sections of society about whom Davies has made controversial and bigoted comments in the past) and almost none of whom seem to have actually been asked whether they want to be 'spoken for' by this group of clowns. Certainly, this blogger - a tax-payer ever since he left school at the age of eighteen - never got a memo from them. Just so we're clear about this, you people do not, even remotely, speak for me. Glad we got that straight. Anyway, that Philip Davies. I'll tell you what, dear blog reader, if I was the BBC, I'd be absolutely delighted that Philip Davies doesn't, seemingly, approve of pretty much anything they do. Because I'd hate to have odious, poisonous, wretched, waste-of-space, nasty pond scum horrorshow (and drag) like him for a friend.

Reports - albeit, not from anybody that you'd actually trust as far as you can comfortably spit - are claiming that Lara Stone ended her marriage with David Walliams because she didn't like the 'constant talk about David being camp.' The couple's split was reported earlier this week - indeed, for a couple of days that, and the fact that Cheryl Whatsherface-Thingys has a new haircut were pretty much all the tabloids seemed to believe their readers would be interested in - although it has been claimed that Stone and Walliams are on a 'trial separation' for now. An alleged 'friend' allegedly told the Sun that Lara was 'not a fan' of her husband's TV cross-dressing and that his flirting with Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads on Britain's Got Talent, along with his general 'camp' public persona left her 'miffed'. Nice 'friend' you've got there, Lara. That is, of course, if this anonymous alleged friend exists. Which he or she probably doesn't. The alleged - anonymous, and probably fictitious - 'friend' allegedly added: 'She didn't really understand the humour of it. There were obviously lots of issues within their relationship. But it had become clear Lara didn't like the constant talk about David being camp. She got tired of it being referenced all the time, especially when David seemed to play up to it in various photoshoots or TV sketches - or by flirting with Simon Cowell on Britain’s Got Talent.'

ITV daytime show This Morning is to be investigated by media regulator Ofcom after it offered viewers a lesson in 'bondage for beginners' featuring sex toys inspired by hit film, Fifty Shades Of Grey. Ofcom said it had received one hundred and twenty complaints from viewers about the item, fronted by the programme’s regular presenters The Curiously Orange giggling waste-of-space airhead Christine Bleakely and Philip Schofield (sans his gopher) along with self-styled 'sexpert' Annabelle Knight, featuring bondage equipment and other x-rated topics. The regulator said that it was investigating whether the programme was 'suitable for broadcast' before the 9pm watershed. Schofield had warned viewers early in the programme, broadcast on 3 February, that they would be discussing bondage equipment but said that it would be 'done in good taste.'An Ofcom spokesperson said: 'Ofcom has opened an investigation into whether an item about "bondage for beginners" was suitable for broadcast before the watershed.' In this particular case, twelve hours before the watershed. The broadcast featured Schofield and Bleakley discussing the various sex toys while a pair of scantily clad models demonstrated them in the studio. At one point Schofield admitted: 'Sorry, I got distracted.' A spokesperson for the programme said: 'This Morning is a lifestyle programme that covers a diverse range of human interest topics. The programme has dealt with advice on sexual matters many times in the past, and a suitable announcement was given at the start. Many of our items spark debate and we welcome feedback from our viewers about our content.'This Morning is no stranger to controversy, featuring a seventy four-year-old woman having a 'vajacial' live on-air earlier this year and a married couple reviewing sex toys five years ago. However, some of its graphic broadcasts are more public service than others, including Paul Ross's live 'rectal examination' to encourage men to check for prostate cancer in 2011 and a doctor having a smear test live on-air last year to raise awareness of the importance of the examination.
The media watchdog will not investigate the latest series of Celebrity Big Brother, despite receiving thousands of complaints about it. There were two thousand seven hundred and thirty six complaints to Ofcom about the Channel Five Victorian freak show, including seven hundred and fifteen about Perez Hilton's 'sexualised behaviour', four hundred and eighty about his 'threatening behaviour' towards others and two hundred and sixty two about 'racially offensive language' when Ken Morley repeatedly used the word 'negro'. An Ofcom spokesman said: 'Ofcom carefully assessed a number of complaints about this series of Celebrity Big Brother and has decided they do not raise issues warranting further investigation under our rules. We were satisfied Channel Five had broadcast clear and appropriate warnings about the potentially offensive content, and that it intervened in heated exchanges and situations at appropriate times. We also took into account audience expectations for this reality format and the fact that the series was broadcast after the watershed.' Ofcom also received complaints about the way Morley and another contestant, the vile and odious Katie Hopkins, were treated when they subsequently appeared on ITV's Loose Women to discuss the show. The spokesman said: 'Ofcom carefully assessed complaints about the way Ken Morley and Katie Hopkins were treated by panellists during these episodes of Loose Women. We decided that the complaints did not raise issues warranting further investigation under our rules. The show often features heated exchanges between guests and controversial topics. In our view, the behaviour of the panellists was in keeping with the programme's well-established format.' This year's series of Celebrity Big Brother was dogged by controversy with Morley, singer Alexander O'Neal and former Baywatch actor Jeremy Jackson all leaving the house unexpectedly at various points. Morley was extremely evicted for using 'unacceptable language', O'Neal quit following a series of heated exchanges with Hilton and Jackson was booted out after former Page Three model Chloe Goodman claimed that he had drunkenly tried to look at her breasts while they were alone in the toilet. He was subsequently given a police caution for common assault. The show has a history of causing controversy and the previous series was the second most complained-about show of 2014, with eighteen hundred and seventy four people contacting the watchdog about various aspects of it. The only programme with a worse record was the main Big Brother series which received three thousand seven hundred and eighty four complaints, many of them centred on the behaviour of its eventual winner, Helen Wood, who was accused of bullying other contestants. Last year, Ofcom found the main show breached the broadcasting code after a pre-watershed scene where housemates swore fourteen times within fifty seconds.

Sometimes, dear blog reader, the headline writers at the Sunday Sport excel themselves in terms of sheer, unadulterated tastelessness, don't you think?
Celia Imrie has described British TV as 'boring.' The actress said that homegrown dramas are 'falling short' in comparison to US series such as House Of Cards and Homeland. Speaking to Glamour, she said that she found ITV's Broadchurch'rather grim' and 'rather boring.' She added: 'Quite frankly, I think English television is rather boring in general these days. I'll sit there shouting, "Get on with it!" at the TV, because things just move so slowly. American TV, on the other hand, is absolutely brilliant at the moment - Nashville, House Of Cards and Homeland.'
BBC4 has announced a series of 'relaxing' programmes that will be shot in real time. Well, that's sure to get Celia Imrie's interest, then. The BBC4 Goes Slow series will include three 'unrushed' programmes. The Canal will be an uninterrupted canal boat journey down a historic British waterway, taking in the sights and sounds (but, presumably, not the smells) of the countryside. Make will be a series of three half-hour shows about traditional craftsmanship, looking at the making of different simple objects, with no voiceover. Finally, National Gallery will see Frederick Wiseman going behind the scenes of the museum for three hours with no voiceover, no score and no added sound effects. Cassian Harrison, channel editor of BBC4, said: 'BBC4 Goes Slow is another brilliant example of something only BBC4 would do. This surprising selection of programmes is the antithesis to the general direction much of television is going in. Slowing everything right down gives us the time to really observe things as they happen and this series of programmes celebrates the simple pleasures of life in the slow lane.'
Phone-hacking was 'rife' at Mirra Group Newspapers' three national titles from 1999 to 2006, a court has heard. Claimants' counsel David Sherborne told the High Court that journalists at the Daily Mirra, Sunday Mirra and the People hacked the phones of public figures on a daily basis. Court documents say that the Mirra Group has admitted obtaining ninety nine stories about the claimants by hacking their phones. Dear blog readers with longer memories may remember that the Mirra Group previously spent several years denying that any of their staff had ever, not never, done none of that there phone-hacking, no siree Bob. So, that gives one a general idea of how much trust to place in pretty much anything you read in the Daily Mirra, frankly. The court has to establish the extent of MGN's liability and set damages. The eight claimants are TV executive Alan Yentob, soap actors Shane Richie, Shobna Gulati and Lucy Benjamin, TV producer Robert Ashworth, actress Sadie Frost, former footballer Paul Gascoigne and flight attendant Lauren Alcorn, who had a relationship with Rio Ferdinand. Sherborne told the court these were 'representative claims' aimed at establishing damages guidelines for subsequent cases against MGN. The case is expected to last two weeks.
The police officer at the centre of the so-called 'plebgate' row has accepted eighty grand in damages from the - now, thoroughly skint - Conservative MP and former Chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell. A bit like a small lottery win, really. A judge ruled last year that the MP 'probably had' called PC Toby Rowland, an officer on duty at Downing Street's gates, 'a pleb.' Mitchell accepted that he used bad language but claimed he had not used that word. The judge,apparently, did not believe him. The ex-chief whip has already paid three hundred thousand knicker in legal costs to the Sun newspaper and the Police Federation. He extremely lost a high-profile libel action against News Group Newspapers, publishers of the Sun, in November. which to be fair, was really funny. A judge said he had reached the 'firm conclusion' that Mitchell had used the 'politically-toxic' word 'pleb' in September 2012 when he was not allowed to cycle through the main Downing Street vehicle gates and took a big girly strop right there in the street. PC Rowland's lawyer, Jeremy Clarke-Williams, told Mr Justice Warby that since the previous judgment Mitchell 'has abandoned the other defences he had raised to my client's claim and consequently terms of settlement have been agreed.' The solicitor added: 'The payment of eighty thousand pounds damages by Mr Mitchell sets the seal on PC Rowland's vindication, as well as providing compensation for the injury to his reputation and the distress caused to him and his family over many months. PC Rowland never felt that the events in Downing Street were anything more than a minor incident. He was not responsible for the publicity which followed and would have much preferred that the whole matter had never entered the public domain. He now simply wishes to be left in peace to continue his police career.' The row centred around a fifteen-second confrontation between Mitchell and Rowland, after the then cabinet minister was refused permission to cycle through the main gates at Downing Street. The story was splashed across the front page of the Sun, which alleged that the chief whip swore at the officers and called them 'plebs' who should learn their place. Mitchell, when pressed on the matter, admitted to swearing but denied using the word 'pleb'. He was forced to resign from the cabinet but vowed to clear his name in the libel courts, launching an action against the Sun. He lost. Rowland then launched a libel action against Mitchell, claiming that his reputation has been damaged by the MP's remarks and that he suffered 'great distress, humiliation and upset.' In November 2014, Mr Justice Mitting ruled that Mitchell 'probably did' call police officers 'plebs. Weighing up the competing claims, the judge said that Rowland was 'not the sort of man who would have had the wit, imagination or inclination to invent on the spur of the moment an account of what a senior politician had said to him in temper.' Which, if you Google 'backhanded compliments to police officers', you'll find that jolly close to the top of the list. He added that gaps and inconsistencies in PC Rowland's account did not demonstrate he had fabricated his account, as Mitchell's lawyers claimed. The judge extremely ordered Mitchell to pay interim costs of three hundred thousand smackers but the total legal bill he will face is not yet known.
FOX News has admitted, in answer to questions from the Washington Post, that Bill O’Reilly did not witness any bombings in Northern Ireland or murders in El Salvador. The network said that he saw only photographs of such atrocities. For more than a week, FOX had defended O'Reilly from increasing accusations that he has, for years, exaggerated elements of his reporting. O'Reilly called that such accusations 'bullshit' and made vague threats of a non-specific nature against reporters who did not satisfy his demands about their own reporting. The story took on increased relevancy after NBC suspended the Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, over inconsistencies in his version of events in Iraq in 2003 and around Hurricane Katrina in 2005. O'Reilly himself was particularly scathing about Williams in the aftermath of the revelations, noting: 'if you can't trust a news anchor or commentator then you're not going to watch that person.' How true. The new FOX statement is the second time in just a few days that either FOX or O'Reilly has been forced to backtrack on previously reported comments. O'Reilly claimed in a broadcast to have taken part in 'a raid' in Ireland and, in a 2013 book, Keep It Pithy, wrote that he had seen 'Irish terrorists kill and maim their fellow citizens in Belfast with bombs.' O'Reilly did not see any bombings or injuries but only saw photographs provided to reporters by police, a FOX spokesperson told the Post. Last week, O'Reilly qualified his claims of having seen four nuns murdered in El Salvador in 1980, during that country's civil war. O'Reilly had said he saw 'guys gun down nuns in El Salvador' and 'nuns get shot in the back of the head.' He now says that he was among 'reporters [who were] shown horrendous images of violence that were never broadcast.'O'Reilly was forced to concede that point to the liberal media watchdog Mediaite, which pointed out that the nuns were murdered in December 1980 and that O'Reilly did not travel to El Salvador until he became a CBS correspondent in 1981. O'Reilly has claimed in broadcasts and books to have covered 'four wars', citing Northern Ireland, El Salvador, the Falklands and an unspecified conflict in Israel. O'Reilly's claims about his experiences in Argentina were the first to raise questions about the anchor's truthfulness, when the liberal magazine Mother Jones found inconsistencies between his stories and eyewitness accounts. He has defended his claims that he reported 'on the ground in active war zones' and 'survived a combat situation in Argentina during the Falklands war', although he has admitted that he never reported from the islands and was instead twelve hundred miles away, in Buenos Aires. Former colleagues at CBS disputed O'Reilly's account of what happened in Buenos Aires, where he claims to have dragged to safety a cameraman who had been wounded by a rioting crowd. O'Reilly's coverage of the 1992 LA riots has also been called into question by former colleagues, who said that they 'could not recollect' any incident which might resemble O'Reilly being 'attacked by protesters' or having concrete 'raining down on us', as he claimed. 'It didn't happen,' Rick Kirkham, Inside Edition's lead reporter, told the Gruniad last week. 'If it did, how come none of the rest of us remember it?' FOX has dismissed such questions as 'nothing more than an orchestrated campaign by far-left advocates. Responding to the unproven accusation du jour has become an exercise in futility,' a spokesperson told the Gruniad in answer to questions over O'Reilly's reporting of the LA riots. FOX News maintains its staunch support of O'Reilly, who is no stranger to calculated onslaughts.' However, he may appear to be something of a stranger from the truth. Or not, as the case may be.

Amanda Holden will host ITV's new series Give A Pet A Home. So, that'll be worth avoiding, then.
Harrison Ford has been injured in a small plane crash in Los Angeles. Errr .. that's the crashing of a small plane rather than a small plane crash, per se. The seventy two-year-old star of the Indiana Jones and Star Wars movies reported engine failure and crash-landed his vintage plane on a Venice golf course. He never had those sort of problems with the Millennium Falcon, it should be noted. He was breathing and alert when medics arrived and took him to hospital in 'a fair to moderate' condition, a fire department spokesman said, contrary to initial - and rather hysterical - media reports that his condition was 'critical'. His son, Ben, a chef in Los Angeles, later tweeted from the hospital: 'Dad is okay. Battered but okay!' Ford's publicist added: 'The injuries sustained are not life-threatening and he is expected to make a full recovery.' The nature of Ford's injuries have not been disclosed but website TMZ, which first reported the story, said that he had suffered 'multiple gashes to his head.' Shortly after take-off from Santa Monica Airport, Harrison reported that he was having engine failure with his 1942 Ryan Aeronautical ST3KR and was making an 'immediate return' to the airport. He was, seemingly, unable to reach the runway and landed on the nearby golf course - much to the surprise of anybody in the middle of round, one imagines, particularly when they saw whom the pilot was. Onlookers reportedly pulled him from the plane fearing it could explode. Officials said that the plane had been flying at about three thousand feet before the problems occurred and had hit a tree on the way down. 'There was no explosion or anything. It just sounded like a car hitting the ground or a tree or something. Like that one little bang, and that was it,' Jeff Kuprycz, who was playing golf told the Associated Press news agency. 'He ended up crashing around the eighth hole.' In the rough, presumably. Christian Fry of the Santa Monica Airport Association said it was 'an absolutely beautifully executed emergency landing by an unbelievably well-trained pilot.' Film producer Ryan Kavanaugh witnessed the accident from his office near the airport where Harrison had taken off. He told The Hollywood Reporter: 'He, literally, had five seconds and ninety nine per cent of pilots would have turned around to go back to the runway and would have crashed - it would have stalled, gone nose first and crashed. Harrison did what the best pilots in the world would do,' he continued. 'He made the correct turn that the plane was designed for with an engine out.' After crash-landing, Ford was initially treated by two doctors who happened to be at the golf course. Fire Department spokesman Patrick Butler said hat the LAFD received a 911 emergency call and attended to 'a medium-to-high impact' plane crash at the Penmar Golf Course. There have been calls from local people to close Santa Monica airport, which is situated in a residential district, because of concerns about safety and noise. Later this year, Ford is reprising his role of Han Solo in the latest addition to the Star Wars franchise, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. He broke his leg in June last year on set at Pinewood Studios while filming a scene involving a door on the Millennium Falcon. It was also recently announced that he will shortly be reprising his role of Rick Deckard in the sequel to the cult 1980s SF thriller Blade Runner. Ford took up flying when he was in his fifties and is also trained to fly helicopters. In 1999, Ford crash-landed his helicopter during a training flight in Los Angeles but both he and the instructor were unhurt. A year later a plane he was flying had to make an emergency landing at Lincoln Municipal Airport in Nebraska. Again he and his passenger escaped unhurt after the plane clipped the runway.

And speaking of aeronautic mishaps, the plane crash which claimed the life of yer actual Buddy Holly, could be investigated afresh by US transport safety experts, it has been reported. The twenty two-year-old Holly, Ritchie Valens and Jiles P Richardson - the Big Bopper - died in a crash shortly after take-off in Iowa in 1959. The pilot of the single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza was also killed. On Wednesday, the US National Transportation Safety Board said that it was 'reviewing' a request to reopen an investigation into he causes of the crash. 'We are reviewing the petition to reconsider the Buddy Holly crash, based on criteria in our regs,' it said in a statement. There were two reasons given for the crash by the Civil Aeronautics Board, which carried out the initial investigation fifty six years ago. The first was pilot error by twenty one-year-old Roger Peterson and the second attributed factor was a poor weather briefing given to him prior to take-off. According to NTSB rules, petitions must be based on 'the discovery of new evidence' or indications that previous conclusions were inaccurate. According to the Mason City Globe Gazette, the NTSB received the request from a pilot from New England called LJ Coon. He told the paper that he believes the pilot's 'heroic' actions could be seen in a new light. Holly had only hired the plane after heating problems developed on his tour bus. The trio had just completed a concert in Clear Lake and were heading to the next tour date in Moorhead, Minnesota. Don McLean later immortalised the tragedy as 'the day the music died' in his 1972 song 'American Pie'.

The first official image of Melissa Benoist in her Supergirl costume has been unveiled. And, very nice it is too.
Someone who describes himself as 'a Christian activist' would like to see all gay people in California executed by firing squad, so the rest of the citizenry can avoid having to 'endure God's wrath.' Matt McLaughlin - who is clearly not a mental homophobic bigot nor anything even remotely like it - last week paid two hundred dollars to file a ballot initiative with the Attorney General in Sacramento which proposes his Sodomite Suppression Act become law. McLaughlin calls homosexual sex 'buggery,' and 'sodomy,' and labels it 'a monstrous evil that Almighty God, giver of freedom and liberty, commands us to suppress on pain of our utter destruction even as he overthrew Sodom and Gomorrha [sic].' Nice to see he's read the bible so closely that he can't spell 'Gomorrah' properly. Then again, he appears not to have taken in Matthew 7:1, 7:3 and 7:11 either. Careless. One does, rather, wonder if the shirts this chap wears are made from polyester and cotton because, if they are, he's inviting God's wrath upon himself by failing to observe Leviticus 19:19 as well. Perhaps someone should tell him before he gets hit by a lightning bolt from the heavens. McLaughlin - who, to repeat, is clearly not as mad as a rabid badger on acid - says that it is 'better' that non-gay Californians kill gays - thus breaking one of the commandments (you know, 'thou shalt not kill') - rather than have to suffer God's punishment. Whatever that might be. Better for whom, he didn't elaborate. 'Seeing that it is better that offenders should die rather than that all of us should be killed by God's just wrath against us for the folly of tolerating-wickedness in our midst, the People of California wisely command, in the fear of God, that any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification be put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method,' he said. Which isn't really very biblical and they didn't have bullets in olden times. Just a thought. McLaughlin does not state if minors would be treated as adults and included in the execution mandate. The Sodomite Suppression Act also calls for a one million dollar fine for each act of transmitting, distributing, or performing 'sodomistic propaganda' to minors. Where the fine is in addition to getting shot or instead of, is not clear at this time. McLaughlin's bill would make it illegal for any gay person to hold public office, be employed by the state, or be granted any benefits, such as welfare, social security, or use any public assets, such as roads.
And, speaking of bell-end numskull bigots doing ignorant bullshit malarkey in the name of The Lord, members of the notorious Westboro Baptist Church were widely reported to be planning a protest the funeral of the late, and much-loved, actor Leonard Nimoy this week. Only one problem: They couldn't locate where the private funeral was being held and, thus, were forced to cancel their doings. Which was, obviously, sad as this blogger would have very much enjoyed seeing them confronted by a large group of Klingons.
The Bank of Canada is pleading with Star Trek fans to stop 'Spocking' its five dollar bills. Since Leonard Nimoy's death, Canadian Trekkers have, apparently, been 'Spocking' the hell out of the five dollar bill which features a portrait of Canada's seventh prime minister, Sir Wilfrid Laurier. Sir Wilfrid now sports, on certain bills at least, pointy ears, the signature Vulcan haircut and eyebrows and Spock's mantra 'Live long and prosper.' According to Bank of Canada, it's not illegal to do this. 'However, there are important reasons why it should not be done. Writing on a bank note may interfere with the security features and reduces its lifespan. Markings on a note may also prevent it from being accepted in a transaction. Furthermore, the Bank of Canada feels that writing and markings on bank notes are inappropriate as they are a symbol of our country and a source of national pride.'
Meanwhile ...
Ladies, have you ever wanted to take a 'selfie' of the inside of your very own twinkle cave? Of course you have, it's only natural, isn't it? Well, good news; thanks to this miracle breakthrough, the 'Sex Selfie Stick', now you can ram a camera right up there. Oh, and don't forget to smile. Is that The Hallelujah Chorus we hear?
Europe's top human rights watchdog has come over all busybody and strict and criticised France for its failure to explicitly ban smacking children. The Council of Europe said that France's laws on corporal punishment were 'not sufficiently clear, binding and specific.'Which does sound very much like the French, if we're being honest. Lovely people and all that but, you know, they can be contrary sods at the best of times. French law forbids 'violence against children', but recognises the parents''right to discipline' children and give them a damned good hiding if they're naughty. And, it positively encourages such malarkey between consenting adults. And, hey, why not? The ruling follows a complaint by a British children's charity against France and six other EU countries. The charity, Approach, says that the countries are violating a section of the European Social Charter calling on signatories to 'protect' children. The Council of Europe, which has no power to sanction member states, has called for all of its forty seven members to ban corporal punishment of children. So far, twenty seven have banned the practice.

A Singapore court has sentenced two Germans to nine months in prison and three strokes of the cane on Thursday after they pleaded extremely guilty to breaking into a depot and spray-painting graffiti on a commuter train carriage. Which, frankly, was a Goddamn stupid thing to do anywhere but, in a country that practices caning on the bare bum as a punishment for vandalism, one could argue it's doubly moronic. Andreas Von Knorre and Elton Hinz, both 'expressed remorse' while being sentenced in the state courts of the island republic. Although, one imagines, their more remorseful about what their arses are going to look like after the Canemster General has finished with them than for what they actually did. 'This is the darkest episode of my entire life,' said Von Knorre. 'I want to apologise to the state of Singapore for the stupid act. I've learned my lesson and will never do it again.' Hinz added: 'I promise I will never do it again. I want to apologise to you, and my family for the shame and situation I've put them into.' They added: 'Please don't cne us, sir, we were led astray by older boys.' Probably. Both were dressed in prison uniform - a white T-shirt and brown trousers with the word 'Prisoner' down the sides and on the back. They spoke to the court in English. Singapore sentences hundreds of prisoners to a damned good caning each year as part of a system that has been criticised by rights groups. Vandalism and over-staying by foreigners are offences hich can be punished by caning along with more serious crimes like kidnapping, robbery, drug abuse and sexually-related crimes. According to the US State Department, two thousand two hundred and three caning sentences were carried out in 2012, including one thousand and seventy on foreigners for committing immigration offences. And, to think,you have to pay good money for that sort of thing down in Soho. Or, so this blogger is led to believe. These guys are giving it away for free. No wonder they've got a problem with the national debt. 'The Singapore judicial system's shameful recourse to using torture – in the form of caning – to punish crimes that should be misdemeanours is indicative of a blatant disregard for international human rights standards,' said Phil Robertson, deputy director of the Asia division of Human Rights Watch. 'One of the defendants said that sentencing day was the darkest day of his life, but in reality every day that Singapore keeps caning on its books is a dark day for the country's international reputation,' he added in an e-mail to various media outlets. In Berlin, a foreign ministry official said the government 'respected' the sovereignty of Singapore. 'But it speaks out against corporal punishment as a form of sentence worldwide - and that also means in Singapore,' the official added. 'The German government has made that clear.' The two Germans were accused of vandalism and trespass after they broke into one of Singapore's train depots last November to spray-paint a carriage. They then fled Singapore, only to be tracked down in neighbouring Malaysia after an international manhunt and were brought back to the city-state to face their sorry fate. Their lawyers said they would meet the prisoners on Monday to decide on whether to appeal. Almost five years ago, Swiss national Oliver Fricker was sentenced to seven months in jail and three strokes of the cane after he pleaded guilty to cutting through the fence of a train depot and spray-painting graffiti on train carriages. Singapore, well known for its cleanliness and its zero tolerance for crime, uses the rattan cane to carry out the sentence. Prisoners are stripped and strapped to a wooden trestle with a medical officer on hand to intervene if necessary. People who have been caned have called the pain 'excruciating'. Although, again, to repeat, there are plenty of people who are 'into' that sort of thing who would probably have described it as 'lovely'. For the two sorry Germans, the court ordered four months imprisonment for entry into a protected area and another five months jail and three strokes for vandalism.

Shit overheard on social media this week: A right old diarrhoea-storm erupted after that grotty little Communist Bill Oddie said British families which have too many children should be 'contained.' Which is a bit Nazi for this blogger's taste although he kind of knows what The Oddie was alluding to. The birdwatcher and former comedian also criticised Britain as a nation, claiming that it was full of 'hooliganism' - which is, actually, a fair comment - and revealed that he was often 'ashamed' to be British. Oddie was speaking while appearing as a guest on BBC1's Sunday Morning Live - if you've never seen it, don't worry, you've not missed much - during a debate called Is the UK too hostile to immigration? He said: 'There should just as likely be a restriction on the number of children that British people have because over-population is what you are talking about here, the big problem. So you say these perfectly well-qualified people can't come in, but the woman down the road has just had her tenth baby. Well, I'm sorry but they are the people that really should be contained. It would make a difference.' On the subject of his nationality he said: 'Historically, we seem to have built up this ridiculous idea that: "Oh, we are British, this is our island and we don't want anybody else in it." I personally loathe that kind of chauvinism and I'm happy to say I'm not proud to be British. In fact, I'm very often ashamed to be British. We are a terrible race, all the hooliganism and God knows what.' Challenged by presenter Sian Williams to leave Britain if he didn't like it, he replied: 'You don't leave it, you're talking like UKiP or something. For God's sake, shut up. What I'm saying is that without a doubt during my lifetime I've seen the whole culture absolutely burgeon because of immigrants. I love the fact that I walk down the road in North London and down here's an Indian shop and there's another Indian stationers there and this one is run by someone from Iran and there's a West Indian guy who runs that bit and we've got the Romanian builders next door who don't play the radio as loud as English builders.' Of course, those comments brought out the very best in lots of 'concerned citizens' on Twitter and Facebook. One, no doubt perfect specimen of humanity noting: 'If anyone needs curbing, it's people like Bill Oddie.' Oh, how very arch, sir. With rapier-like wit such as that, its as if the spirit of Oscar Wilde (another immigrant, as it happens) has just entered the room. Another glake added: 'Did Bill Oddie really say that? Self loathing Marxist idiot!' Well, yes, he is but, that doesn't necessarily mean he's wrong in this particular case. As noted, even a broken clock' is right twice a day. Now, this blogger is no fan of The Oddie or his frequently crass rantings (well, not since I was ten and thought The Goodies was not only the greatest TV show that had ever been made but was the greatest TV show that would ever be made) and, frequently, this blogger thinks The Oddie talks a right load of utter bollocks. But, a lot of the nasty, poisonous, mean-spirited, self-delusional and, frankly, racist loathing he appears to have unleashed on social media suggests that the chap might have a point in this instance. This blogger was particularly impressed by one chap on Facebook who suggested that The Oddie 'ought to be taken out and shot'. That's a very reasoned - and not at all Third Riechesque - contribution to the debate, dear boy. The suggestion that people with whom one disagrees should be exterminated. What do you do for an encore, beat up cripples? And then some people wonder why there is this belief that everybody on social media is some sort of UKiP supporting numskull bigot. Dunno where that crazy idea came from.

FIFA's new independent ethics chief says 'nobody will interfere' with his task of keeping corruption out of football's world governing body. Swiss attorney Cornel Borbely has succeeded Michael Garcia, who quit in dramatic circumstances in December. Garcia was unhappy at how FIFA officials handled his investigation into the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Borbely said: 'I don't take any orders at all from FIFA, none whatsoever.' The thirty six-year-old, who was Garcia's deputy, told Reuters: 'I alone decide whether to open, conduct and conclude an investigation. I am completely independent of any FIFA officials, otherwise I couldn't, and wouldn't, do this job. Nobody interferes, neither the FIFA executive committee nor anybody else.'Borbely headed an economic crimes investigation unit in Zurich for three years and has worked as a prosecutor for a military tribunal. He said that anyone coming forward with information about alleged FIFA corruption could do so in confidence, with any tips 'carefully evaluated'. He added: 'I also have my eyes and ears open and if I see something that calls for it, of course I open a preliminary investigation.' FIFA -a notorious bunch of hypocritical gangsters at the best of times - has suffered a series of damaging allegations in recent years, including claims of corruption in the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, which were awarded to Russia and Qatar respectively. US lawyer Garcia was called in to investigate those allegations and produced a four hundred and thirty-page report last year. However, when a forty two-page summary of his findings was published, which claimed there had been no wrongdoing, Garcia complained to FIFA about its 'erroneous' representation of his work. FIFA dismissed his appeal, prompting his resignation, but has since agreed to release a redacted version of Garcia's full report.

Odious full-of-his-own-importance smear Dave Whelan has extremely resigned from his position as chairman of Championship side Wigan Not Very Athletic. The seventy eight-year-old will stay as owner but his grandson, David Sharpe, will oversee the running of the relegation-haunted club. Whelan took over at Wigan in February 1995 and oversaw their rise from the fourth tier to the Premier League. He was banned from all football-related activity for six weeks and fined fifty grand in December for making racially negative comments after accepting an FA charge. Whelan apologised but denied that the remarks, about Jewish and Chinese people, made during a newspaper interview were racist and, prior to his punishment being announced, had stated that he would resign as Wigan chairman if he was 'found guilty of being a racist'. Which he has now done. The FA Disciplinary Commission said it was 'satisfied' Whelan 'is not a racist' and had not intended to cause offence with his crass and ignorant comments.

New Zealand is conducting 'mass surveillance' on its Pacific neighbours, reports citing documents leaked by snitchy Edward Snowden have claimed. Telephone calls, e-mails and social media messages were being collected from Pacific nations, the New Zealand Herald said. Although one imagines the closest the Federated States of Micronesia gets to social media is somebody putting a Post-it® note in the town square and waiting for a reply. The data was, allegedly, shared with other members of the so-called 'Five Eyes' network - the US, Australia, Britain and Canada. Or,as Qi once memorably described it 'tell everybody but the French'. Snowden extremely leaked a large cache of classified NSA documents in 2013 and then ran away to Russia. He is regarded as a whistleblowing hero by the Gruniad Morning Star, a traitor by the US government and a dirty stiknin' Copper's Nark by pretty much everyone else. The documents, published on Thursday, reveal that New Zealand's Government Communications Security Bureau used its Waihopai base in the South Island to spy on allies in the region. Targets included Fiji, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Nauru, Samoa, Vanuatu, Kiribati, New Caledonia, Tonga and French Polynesia. Cos, there's some really dangerous fuckers in them there paradise islands, obviously.
The US space agency's Dawn probe has gone into orbit around Ceres, the largest object in the Solar System between Mars and Jupiter. A signal from the satellite confirming its status was received by ground stations. Ceres is the first of the so-called 'dwarf' planets to be visited by a spacecraft. Scientists hope to glean information from the object that can tell them about the Solar System's beginnings, four and a half billion years ago. Dawn has taken over seven years to reach its destination. Its arrival has seen it pass behind the dwarf to its dark side. Over the next month, controllers will re-shape the orbit to get it ready to begin the prime science phase in late April. Over time, the intention is to progressively lower the orbit until the probe is just a few hundred kilometres above the surface. By that stage, it will be returning very high resolution pictures. 'We feel exhilarated,' said Chris Russell, the mission's principal investigator from the University of California. 'We have much to do over the next year and a half, but we are now on station with ample reserves, and a robust plan to obtain our science objectives.' The satellite has turned up at Ceres having previously visited the asteroid Vesta. Both objects reside in the belt of rocky debris that circles the Sun beyond Mars. The pair should tell a similar story, says Doctor Carol Raymond, the mission's deputy principal investigator at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. 'Both Ceres and Vesta, we believe, are proto-planets. They were on their way to forming larger planetary embryos and they were the type of object that merged to form the terrestrial planets,' she told the BBC's Inside Science programme. 'But these two stopped before they reached that evolutionary stage, and so they are essentially these intact "time capsules" from the very beginning of our Solar System; and that's really the motivation for why Dawn is going there to explore them in detail.' Researchers think THAT Ceres' interior is dominated by a rocky core topped by ice that is then insulated by rocky lag deposits at the surface. A big question the mission hopes to answer is whether there is a liquid ocean of water at depth. Some models suggest there could well be. The evidence will probably be found in Ceres' craters which have a muted look to them. That is, the soft interior of Ceres has undoubtedly had the effect of relaxing the craters' original hard outline. One big talking point has dominated the approach to the object: the origin and nature of two very bright spots seen inside a 92km-wide crater in the Northern Hemisphere. The speculation is that Ceres has been struck by something, exposing deeply buried ices. These will have vaporised on the airless world, perhaps leaving behind highly reflective salts. The Dawn mission is expected to work at the dwarf planet for at least fourteen months. Raymond commented: 'The spacecraft will run out of hydrazine [fuel] at some point; it will lose the ability to maintain its attitude and therefore lose the ability to point its solar arrays towards the Sun and point its antenna towards the Earth. It will then lose power and be a tumbling satellite of Ceres in perpetuity, because our orbit has proved to be stable over a hundred-year lifetime, as required, so we don't crash into Ceres and contaminate its surface.' While Dawn takes the honour of being the first spacecraft to visit a dwarf planet, the next opportunity comes very quickly. NASA's New Horizons probe is due to make a close fly-by of Pluto in July. This far-more distant world was controversially demoted from full planet to dwarf status at an international astronomy meeting in 2006.

Shit overheard on social media this week, number two: 'I hate Top Gear. I don't understand why the BBC continue to make it.' Well, it might have something to do with the fact that lots of people like it. It has a consolidated weekly audience of between six and seven million punters on BBC2 (comfortably, the channel's highest-rated show), the highest iPlayer figures of any BBC show and a Live+7 'reach' audience of around nine million per episode. Or, if you prefer, one seventh of the population of Great Britain. But, it's when it comes to international sales that Top Gear's worth to the BBC really comes into play. On an average year it brings in profits of between eighty and one hundred and twenty million pounds (depending on the number of episodes made). That money does not go back into Top Gear's own pockets but is, instead, used by the BBC to fund other programmes. Just for context, that's the entire operating budget for BBC3, BBC4 and 6Music - and lots of other things that Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star readers enjoy watching and/or listening to. Or, alternatively, it's the BBC's entire comedy budget. Something to think about, perhaps, the next time some unfunny wanker with stupid hair who's very popular with students on Mock The Week is making his latest, 'oh, isn't that Jeremy Clarkson a right fucker?' joke. He might well be, mate, but he's currently helping to pay your wages. Next ...
The home of the former Conservative MP Harvey Proctor has been searched by police investigating claims of historical allegations of child abuse. The BBC News website says that it 'understands' police from Operation Midland arrived at the house on the estate of Belvoir Castle, in Leicestershire, on Wednesday morning. The investigation is looking at allegations that 'establishment figures' abused boys. Proctor, denied being part of any 'rent-boy ring' or attending 'sex parties' with 'prominent figures'. He told BBC Radio 4's Today programme that he would 'like' to be interviewed by police 'at the earliest opportunity'. The Metropolitan Police confirmed that officers had searched an address 'near Grantham.'Operation Midland is examining claims that teenage boys were abused by 'a group of powerful men' from politics, the military and law enforcement agencies at a variety of locations across Southern England and in London during the 1970s and 1980s. It has focused on the Dolphin Square estate in Pimlico. The investigation, which is under the umbrella of Operation Fairbank, is also examining claims that three of the boys were murdered. Proctor said: 'I have not been part of any rent-boy ring with cabinet ministers, other MPs or the military.' He added that he had 'never attended sex parties at Dolphin Square or anywhere else.' Asked if he was 'aware' of Operation Midland, he said: 'I may not have known the detail of it but anyone would be blind if they hadn't seen the press relating to these matters over the last year and I find myself in a Kafkaesque fantasy situation.' Asked about the wider allegations of sexual abuse being made, he said: 'I believe that the number of victims grows by the day. The number of alleged perpetrators through death diminishes. That is a problem. It is certainly a problem for me. I suppose my problem is that I'm still very much alive. I am sure some of the allegations are true but I'm also sure a lot of the allegations are pure and utter fantasy.' Proctor became an MP in 1979, representing Basildon in Essex for four years. He subsequently represented Billericay until resigning in 1987. In June 1986, the People newspaper published claims that Proctor had taken part in 'spanking and caning sessions' with male prostitutes in his London flat. Proctor was charged with gross indecency and resigned his candidature. At his trial in May 1987, Proctor pleaded very guilty and was fined fourteen hundred and fifty smackers. Following his resignation, Proctor opened an eponymous shirtmakers, Proctor's, in Richmond.

Hall and Oates are suing a Brooklyn-based cereal firm, claiming its granola Haulin' Oats infringes their trademark. The case accuses Early Bird Foods & Co of breaking the law with its 'phonetic play on Daryl Hall and John Oates' well-known brand name.' The statement continued that Hall and Oates their very selves can't go for that, oh no, no can do. Apparently. Lawyers for the singers filed the case in Brooklyn federal court. The duo claim the company is attempting 'to trade off of the fame and notoriety associated with the artist's and plaintiff's well-known marks.' Haulin' Oats is a nut-free cereal made from maple syrup and oats, described by its makers as a 'back-to-basics flavour ... perfect by itself or as the base for a breakfast parfait creation.' The case notes that various parties have attempted over the years 'to make a connection between the artists' names and oats-related products.'
A number of, supposedly serious, media outlets were reporting this week that after a group of Native Americans protested outside a concert by Ted Nugent, the big-haired and ludicrous 1970s rocker with his awful right-wing views had 'verbally lashed out' at them, calling them 'stinkyass unclean dipshit protestors' and, allegedly, adding that Native Americans should all be 'rounded up and shipped back to wherever they came from!' Err ... that would be America, Ted. The clue's in the name, really. Nugent's differences with Native Americans, these reports stated, stem from their offence at his history of racially-charged statements. After one tribe recently cancelled his scheduled appearance at a casino in Worley, Idaho, he is alleged to have said, 'I take it as a badge of honor [sic] that such unclean vermin are upset by me and my positive energy. By all indicators, I don't think they actually qualify as people.' Ultimately, however, many of these quotes actually appear to come directly from a spoof report at the Newslo satire website. It's so difficult to tell the truth for made up shit these days although, in this particular case, as this blogger's friend Emma noted, Ted Nugent is 'an ass but, even Ted isn't quite that stupid.' We'll take your word for it, Em!

Incidentally, dear blog reader, this blogger's favourite Ted Nugent story concerns an occasion when the big-haired rocker reportedly turned up backstage at a Clash concert on the London four-piece's first US tour (most likely the show at the Masonic Temple in Detroit on 17 September 1979). Nugent, allegedly, demanded to be allowed to jam with The Clash on stage. He was told y Joe Strummer and Mick Jones that, yes, he certainly could join them for a thrash through 'I'm So Bored With The USA' if he'd like to, but only if he cut his hair first, The Clash having a zero-tolerance policy to The Long Hair Thing. Exit, rapidly stage right, one self-styled disgruntled Metal God and murderer of things that live in the forest muttering darkly 'the Hell with that.'
Yer actual Keith telly Topping dragged his sorry ass halfway across town from Stately Telly Topping Manor to the Pool at the crack of dawn on Wednesday morning only, upon arriving, to be told that it was shut on that particular day because 'there's something wrong with the water'. Keith Telly Topping presumes that this, non-specific, 'wrongness' was caused by either a) some sort of radioactive spillage or, b) somebody having a big fat dump in the shallow end overnight. Following breakfast, therefore, yer actual Keith Telly Topping popped into Iceland on the way home to pick up an Ostrich fillet for us dinner. He doesn't often shop there here hastens to add, dear blog reader - especially as he hates the idea of contributing to Peter Andre's obscene earnings - but, let's face it, who doesn't enjoy a nice slice of dead Ostrich every now and then?
A day earlier, sitting - for forty minutes - with various choice examples of the detritus of society in the local rent office waiting to be seen over, as it turns out, a minor matter which could have been dealt with in a two minute phone call, really does give one proof positive that life is nothing but a grotesque pantomime from which there will be no escape until somebody stabs Sting in the throat. Sorry, dear blog reader, the subtext started to become the text, there. But, when you've just sat for over half an hour next to someone who is, clearly, waiting for his next methadone fix whilst coughing and sneezing all over you, the last thing you want to hear over the tannoy is that smug balding git wittering on about his sodding Fields of Gold. Listen, mate, just deliver my milk and then sod off.
Venus over Newcastle at twilight. Always easy to spot cos there's a big white arrow pointing at it.
Yer actual Keith telly Topping was delighted to discover on Sunday afternoon, tucked away on one of the more obscure satellite channels - between endless repeats of NCIS and Time Team - was a rare, but welcome, British TV broadcast of a contender for the worst film ever made, by anyone, ever, Birth Of The Beatles. Nick Cotton as George Harrison! Nigel Havers as George Martin! The bloke who created Balamory as Brian Epstein! As Kate Stewart once noted: 'Americans with the ability to rewrite history? You've seen their movies!'
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Dayhere's a right tasty slab of yer actual Badfinger. Check out, in particular, George Harrison's delicious slide guitar solo.