The BBC have confirmed the broadcast time for Doctor Who's post-apocalyptic series eight opener Deep Breath. Yer actual Peter Capaldi's début as The Doctor will be broadcast at 7.50pm on Saturday 23 August. Roughly eighty minutes in duration, the Steven Moffat-written adventure will conclude at approximately 9.10pm. Deep Breath has been allocated the latest time slot for a new series launch since Doctor Who returned to TV in 2005.
What's been described as a 'secret' trailer (the BBC's words, not this blogger's) for Deep Breath has also been made public this week. So 'secret' in fact that, you know, here it is. Yeah. Not that secret, obviously.
Meanwhile, yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self have been wowing them Down Under. The pair were almost matching the TARDIS for blueness as they continued their six-continents-in-ten-days world tour on Monday.
You could almost have believed it was Tyneside ... If it wasn't for the sunshine. Obviously.
Yer actual Peter Capaldi confirmed that shooting on the eighth series of Doctor Who was completed on Wednesday of last week ( 6 August) when he appeared alongside Jenna Coleman and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat at the BFI in London on the following day. In a Q&A session after the screening of Deep Breath hosted by Boyd Hilton, Peter was asked to sum up his Doctor in five words. He chose: 'Funny, joyful, passionate, emphatic, fearless.' Jenna Coleman rose to the challenge too, picking five different words: 'Enigmatic, mysterious, complex, warm, unmannered.' The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat's five were: 'More Scottish than last time.' Factual as ever, Steven!
Meanwhile, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has revealed that Jenna Coleman will make an appearance in this year's Christmas special which, he added, starts filming in a matter of weeks. Rumours had circulated online - albeit, not started by anyone that you'd actually trust as far as you could spit - that the upcoming series could be Coleman's last. But in an interview with BBC Radio Wales last Thursday Moffat said: 'Peter and Jenna only wrapped on the show yesterday. We're not letting them off the hook because they're going to be doing the two premieres, then they're going off on the World Tour, then they're coming back to shoot Christmas. There's no let-up, not when you're on this show!'
Doctor Who fans should expect 'an action-packed and emotional finale' to series eight, director Rachel Talalay has said. Rachel was behind the camera for the final two episodes of the BBC's long-running family SF drama's new series and told the Globe and Mail that The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat's scripts feature 'so much action and emotional material.' The film maker also promised that Peter Capaldi's 'slightly grumpier, more complicated' new Doctor will provide 'a strong contrast' to his 'young, romantic' predecessors. 'He was constantly worried he had eleven Doctors he might be mimicking,' Talalay revealed. 'But even when I saw the very first footage from the first episode. it was clear he knew exactly who he was as a Doctor.' The American director also admitted that she had 'campaigned' to land a job on Doctor Who but dismissed accusations - not made by anyone that actually matters, you understand - that Steven Moffat was 'pressured' to hire a woman. 'I said to Steven Moffat, "If I was to read the Internet I would believe you only hired me because you were pressured to hire a woman." He said, "I think they need to know I hired you because of your reel and your material and what we believed you would bring to it."'
Lightning apparently strikes twice - if you're at BBC Worldwide - as the Daily Scum Express and the International Business Times report that another episode from the new Doctor Who series - apparently, the second episode, Into The Dalek - has been, at least partially, leaked online. Worldwide issued a grovelling apology last month after scripts from the new series accidentally appeared on the web. Reports around the web claim that whoever was behind the latest leak 'got cold feet' and only a few per cent of the show were actually uploaded.
It sounds like a story-line from Doctor Who - a search is on in North Wales for the long-lost Yetis from the popular family drama. Actors who appeared as Yetis in the well-remembered 1967 series The Abominable Snowmen are being offered free tickets to a live screening of the opening episode of the new series. The location scenes of the episodes, starring second Doctor, Patrick Troughton, were filmed at Nant Ffrancon Pass in Snowdonia. The Yetis appeared in the six-part adventure and led to actors in padded fur-covered costumes roaming the North Wales countryside. Which, one imagines, must've been quite a sight for any passing rambler. Five of the episodes of The Abominable Snowmen are among the - to date - ninety seven episodes of Doctor Who which are, tragically, missing from the BBC archives. All that remains are episode two (which is properly terrific), together with two short clips from episode four, off-screen telesnaps and a reel-to-reel tape recording of the soundtrack, made by a viewer in 1967. Additionally, Frazer Hines and director Gerald Blake also made short silent home movies of the location filming which have been released on a Doctor Who DVD. Production photographs show the actor Reg Whitehead in the Yeti costume. Three other extras -Tony Harwood, Richard Kerley and John Hogan - are also credited with the role. The Odeon cinema at Eagles Meadow in Wrexham is also trying to trace anyone who played a role in the programmes shot in Gwynedd nearly fifty years ago, either as an actor, an extra or as part of the production crew. Manager Kenny Kempster said: 'There is already a phenomenal amount of interest in the live screening because Doctor Who has such a huge and loyal fan base who can't wait to see it on the big screen.'

BBC1's new contribution to the genre of Lowest Common Denominator telly, the apocalyptic definition of 'wretched'Tumble premiered to more slightly more than three million sad, crushed victims of society on Saturday, according to overnight figures. The 'celebrity' (and this bloggers use that word quite wrongly) gymnastics show - which was, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has to report, every single bit as stinkingly rotten horseshit as one had feared in advance - averaged 3.16m punters across its arse-numbing ninety-minute timeslot from 6.30pm. God, it was tripe. That's an hour and a half of my life that yer actual Keith Telly Topping will never get back. The things I do so that you don't have to, dear blog readers ... It was followed by The National Lottery: Break the Safe (3.16m), before the latest episode of Casualty was watched by 3.99m from 8.50pm. On BBC2, Proms Extra drew four hundred and fifty seven thousand from 8.30pm and Melvyn Bragg's Radical Lives attracted four hundred and fifty five thousand from 9.15pm. ITV had a thoroughly dreadful night with - shamefully - neither Tipping Point: Lucky Stars (2.68m) from 7.45pm or All Star Family Fortunes (2.4m) managing to match Tumble. Channel Four's repeat of Grand Designs on 8pm was watched by 1.02m, before a terrestrial broadcast of the movie Immortals appealed to 1.46m. On Channel Five, the latest Big Brother was watched by and audience of eight hundred and sixty five thousand from 9pm. Earlier in the evening, test cricket highlights of England giving India a damned good innings and fifty four run twanking at Old Trafford entertained 1.01m and World's Worst Storms took four hundred and sixty eight thousand. On the multichannels, the return of The Simpsons drew five hundred and two thousand from 7.30pm on Sky1. The animated comedy was followed by the series premiere of Got To Dance - which had four hundred and thirty thousand from 8pm - and A Touch Of Cloth (two hundred and forty six thousand) from 9pm.

Tumble received what can charitably be described as 'mixed' reviews following its Saturday night launch. In so much as most of those who expressed a preference thought it was a lousy, risible stream of rancid diarrhoea but one or two, didn't. According to one critic, the show, in which ten z-list 'celebrities' seek to impress a judging panel with gymnastic and aerial routines, 'lacked distinctiveness.' Which is another way of saying it was smeggin' awful. Yet the Torygraph's Gerard O'Donovan nonetheless predicted it would 'grow in strength and confidence as it goes on.'The Daily Scum Mail's resident rottweiler, however, was as unimpressed as yer actual Keith Telly Topping, saying it proved reality television had 'hit a new low.' Thus meaning that yer actual Keith Telly Topping was, for once, in agreement with the Daily Scum Mail, something which makes this blogger loatheTumble even more than he did previously on general principle. Tumble, wrote Jim Shelley, 'treated the viewers as if they were either young kids or just idiots.' Much as the Daily Scum Mail does, in fact. He went on to describe the programme as 'criminally unimaginative', 'unintentionally amusing' (which it wasn't) and full of 'tired' cliches. 'The main thing that is going to be taking a Tumble is the ratings,' he concluded. The Mirra's Mark Jefferies found the contributions of Nadia Comaneci and Louis Smith 'a little stiff', suggesting that Smith 'seemed to be lost for words - or realistic sentences. The judges could be sharper, perhaps a bit spikier and have fun with it,' he continued. 'They need to remember this is not a proper gymnastics competition for a world title but a bit of fun on the telly.' Fun? Fun? This blogger has had more fun spending an afternoon at the genital torturers. A pox on it, everybody who takes part in it and, especially, whatever cheb-end actually commissioned this turkey in the first place.

BBC1's period drama The Village returned for its second series with 4.62m overnight viewers at 9pm, down from last year's premiere ratings of 6.35m. Earlier, Antiques Roadshow appealed to 4.59m at 7pm, while Countryfile topped the ratings with 5.63m at 8pm. Match Of The Day returned with 2.36m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Tropic Of Capricorn drew 1.17m at 7pm, followed by Dragons' Den with 2.19m at 8pm and James May's Cars of the People with 2.43m at 9pm. The latter of which was, actually, rather good albeit one imagines some middle-class hippy Communist louse of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star will find something in it to whinge about. ITV's Come On Down: The Game Show Story was watched by 2.86m at 7pm. The Zoo gathered 2.05m at 8pm and The Great War, the best thing on any channel all evening, sadly, drew a mere 1.68m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Tom's Fantastic Floating Home interested six hundred and sixty seven thousand viewers at 7pm, followed by The Mill with 1.26m at 8pm and Child Genius with 1.50m at 9pm. Channel Five's Caught With Their Fingers In The Till was seen by nine hundred and forty five thousand at 8pm, while the latest Big Brotherwas gawped at by 1.16m voyeurs at 9pm.

ITV's Long Lost Family continued to top the ratings outside of soaps on Monday, according to overnight ratings. The Davina McCall-fronted series brought in 4.49 million at 9pm. Earlier, Countrywise was seen by 2.51m at 8pm. On BBC1, a repeat of Miranda had an audience of 2.48m at 8.30pm, followed by a rerun of Death In Paradise with 2.54m at 9pm. BBC2's University Challenge drew 2.39m at 8pm, while Kate Adie's Women Of WWI interested 1.55m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Royal Marines Commando School attracted 1.99m viewers at 9pm, followed by Kitchen Nightmares with seven hundred and eighty three thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Police Interceptors continued with eight hundred and twenty eight thousand at 8pm. The latest Big Brother was watched by 1.06m at 9pm, followed by Seventy Stone: The Man Who Couldn't Be Saved with 1.12m at 10pm. On BBC3, Football Fight Club had an audience of five hundred and ninety two thousand at 9pm. E4's The One Hundred continued with seven hundred and forty thousand at 9pm.

BBC1's In the Club was watched by 4.25m overnight viewers on Tuesday. BBC2's Coast took 1.7m before Scotland Votes: What's At Stake For The UK? had 1.56m from 9.30pm. On ITV, Love Your Garden attracted 2.52m in the 8pm hour. Executed was viewed by 2.09m afterwards. Channel Four's Utopia series finale was seen by two hundred and ninety thousand from 10pm. Earlier, Kirstie's Fill Your House With Loads Of Crap For Free and Undercover Boss were watched by nine hundred and forty four thousand and 1.01m respectively. The latest Big Brother episode drew 1.24m on Channel Five. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation had an audience of 1.13m in the 9pm hour. Masters Of Sex appealed to more than two hundred thousand viewers on More4. The drama, starring Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan, attracted two hundred and twenty three thousand from 10pm. Elsewhere on the multichannels, the UEFA Super Cup match between Real Madrid and Sevilla drew eight hundred and forty three thousand from 7.30pm. Sky Atlantic's Ray Donovan was watched by ninety four thousand from 10pm.

The Great British Bake Off continued with strong overnight ratings on Wednesday. BBC1's baking competition dipped by around three hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's launch episode, but still, easily, topped the night with an audience of 6.87 million at 8pm. Later, Clare Balding's Operation Wild dropped nearly seven hundred thousand overnight punters week-on-week to 3.02m at 9pm. On BBC2, The World's War continued with eight hundred and ninety six thousand following its delayed start at 9.30pm. Live athletics coverage from the European Championships where Britain enjoyed a second golden evening in a row averaged 1.86m from 4.45pm. ITV's One Hundred-Year-Old Drivers appealed to 3.42m at 8pm, followed by Secrets From The Clink with 1.93m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Double Your House For Half The Money And Get Your Greed On interested seven hundred and six thousand at 8pm, while One Born Every Minute took in 1.44m at 9pm. The Mimic drew four hundred and twenty three thousand viewers at 10pm. Channel Five's Grand Theft Auto: UK gathered 1.27m at 9pm, followed by the latest Big Brother with 1.33m at 10pm.

Here's the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twelve programmes, week-ending Sunday 3 August 2014:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.34m
2 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 5.87m
3 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.76m
4 EastEnders - Mon BBC2 - 5.54m
5 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 4.91m
6 Commonwealth Games Closing Ceremony - Sun BBC1 - 4.78m
7 Commonwealth Games - Fri BBC1 - 4.67m
8 Commonwealth Games Review - Sun BBC1 - 4.44m
9 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.36m
10 Long Lost Family - Mon ITV - 4.16m*
11 Six O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 4.05m
12 Holby City - Tues BBC2 - 3.50m
Programmes marked '*' do include include HD figures. Three episodes of EastEnders shown on BBC2 because of the continuing coverage of The Commonwealth Games were the channel's top-rated programme of the week - with 5.54m, 5.54m and 5.52m respectively - followed by Holby City with 3.50m viewers, Dragons' Den (2.59m) and The Fifteen Billion Pound Railway (2.40m). Channel Four's highest-rated show was Royal Marines Commando School with 2.55m followed by The Mill (1.85m). Autopsy: Karen Carpenter was Channel Five's best performer with 1.86m followed by CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (1.71m). On BBC4, Timeshift: Killer Storms & Cruel Winters led the way with seven hundred and eight thousand, followed by Inspector Moltanbano which was watched by seven hundred and seven thousand punters. Lewis was ITV3's best performer with 1.01m.

Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins will front a new daytime talk show on ITV. Princess Pictures has renewed its relationship with the pair to launch the new studio-based series, Broadcast reports. The show is reportedly a co-production between Princess and Perkins's company Square Peg TV and is being lined-up for the 4pm timeslot. The Great British Bake Off hosts will interview alleged 'celebrities' and 'real-life characters' on the chat show, which is the pair's first daytime job since they jointly fronted Light Lunch and Late Lunch on Channel Four between 1997 and 1998. And, judging by the state of Sue's jeans in this recently publicity photo for Bake Off she, at least, could probably use the bread to buy a new pair.
More than three million UK households now subscribe to Netflix, according to new estimates. There are now twice as many subscribers to the online streaming service than there were at this time last year, with more than one in ten households being signed up. Research was undertaken by Enders Analysis and BARB on a sample of thirteen thousand five hundred UK households. It found that Netflix's subscriptions in Britain had risen to 2.8m in the first quarter of the year, with hundreds of thousands more in the following months. Leader Toby Syfret said of the research: 'Netflix has always been highly secretive and released very few details about its international streaming performance in individual countries beyond the general statement that it is seeing encouraging progress everywhere. Not since Netflix's announcement in August 2012 that its total subscriber base in the UK and Ireland had passed the one million mark, have we heard any numbers from the horse's mouth.' Amazon's subscription streaming service Prime Instant Video is currently less than half as popular as Netflix, according to the research findings, reaching 1.2m households. Netflix was also found to be making large increases among younger audiences, doubling the proportion of Amazon's sixteen to twenty four year old subscribers. BSkyB is currently the UK's biggest pay-TV provider with over ten million customers.

Broadchurch creator Chris Chibnall will include a spoiler from the second series in an upcoming novel adaptation. Author Erin Kelly has revealed that 'a small clue' about the next series will feature in her book, which will be based on the ITV crime drama's first series. 'About three days before we went to press, Chris put in one tiny little clue about something that happens in series two,' Kelly told Radio Times. 'He asked me to add it in, literally just as we had the proof all laid out ready to go to press. It's something only the die-hards will pick up on but there's one line quite early on in the book that won't make sense to anybody. It's something very playful that he did right at the last minute.' Kelly said that she is 'looking forward' to seeing if anyone notices the spoiler, saying: 'It doesn't give anything away but I'm sure it'll get people talking. I'm going to be checking out the chatrooms to see if people have picked up on it.'The Ties That Bind author also praised the original series, adding: 'You tend to get this level of detail when it's fantasy or science fiction but when it's a straightforward classic British murder drama it doesn't usually attract that kind of fanaticism.'

This week's award for the most sneeringly shitty, middle-class hippy Communist piece of 'look at us, aren't we, like, so fekking clever, us' wank this week goes, as it has for just about every week for the last five decades, to the Gruniad Morning Star: 'In a shocking outburst last week, BBC director of television Danny Cohen was slated as "not a very huggable person"– despite all his recent efforts to warm up his somewhat saturnine and donnish image, those photos where he almost manages to smile, and the Who's Who entry beguilingly listing "pickle" and "giraffes" among more predictable recreations such as "meditation" and "contemporary art"' writes some cocksplash of no importance at the odious full-of-its-own-importance arse-roll substitute. 'Curiously enough, the charge of prickliness came disloyally from someone he only recently promoted: rookie BBC2 controller Kim Shillinglaw was recalling in the Observer how she reacted to Cohen telling her she'd got the job, by "leaping up to give him a hug", only to have to "stop mid-leap" when he said "we haven't told the other candidates yet." Also food for thought in the Observer interview was Shillinglaw’s vow to "vary the mix" at 10pm, currently dominated by "a fine generation of panel shows" but these "workhorses are ten, fifteen years old": a view likely to have caused the odd frisson in comedians who were counting on building up their pension indefinitely on Never Mind The Buzzcocks (eighteen years old), Qi (eleven) or Mock The Week (nine). Left unclear, though, is what's coming in instead – the sole clue was that she gnomically said "Ten o'clock is a place where BBC2 should show its knickers more", which suggests any replacement shows will be a good deal less blokeish.' You're not funny, you sneering waste-of-space scum. I know you think you are, but you're not.
Police have searched a Berkshire property belonging to Sir Cliff Richard in relation to an alleged historical sex offence. No arrests have been made and Sir Cliff, seventy three, who is currently abroad, has said that the allegation was 'completely false.' Police said the allegation involved a boy under the age of sixteen and dated from the 1980s. The BBC states that this relates to an alleged sexual assault at an event where American preacher Billy Graham appeared at Bramall Lane in Sheffield. The allegation is believed to have been reported to police recently. The search in Sunningdale was carried out by South Yorkshire Police, a spokesperson for whom told the BBC that it did not force entry to the property. The investigation is not connected to Operation Yewtree and police said that officers from that operation - set up by the Metropolitan Police to investigate hundreds of allegations in the wake of the Jimmy Savile fiasco - had been notified. Thames Valley Police said it had 'assisted' the South Yorkshire force with the execution of a search warrant at the property. Eight plain-clothed police officers in five unmarked cars arrived to conduct the search which ended at about 15:30 on Thursday afternoon. Sir Cliff has responded in a statement, which said: 'For many months I have been aware of allegations against me of historic impropriety which have been circulating online. The allegations are completely false. Up until now I have chosen not to dignify the false allegations with a response, as it would just give them more oxygen. However, the police attended my apartment in Berkshire today without notice, except it would appear to the press. I am not presently in the UK but it goes without saying that I will cooperate fully should the police wish to speak to me. Beyond stating that today's allegation is completely false it would not be appropriate to say anything further until the police investigation has concluded.' Sir Cliff's representative, Phil Hall, said that the singer would not be conducting interviews at this time. According to the BBC's Tom Burridge in the Algarve, the singer left his home there on Thursday morning and has travelled with his sister to another part of Portugal 'for a few days.' The singer, born Harry Webb, is one of the most successful British musicians of all time. He has sold over twenty million singles - more than any other male British artist - and is the only performer to have had at least one UK top five LP in each of the last seven decades. He has represented the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest twice and in 2013 released the one hundredth CD of his career. He was knighted in 1995 and performed at the Queen's Diamond Jubilee concert at Buckingham Palace in 2012.
Andy Coulson is 'sleeping on a rubber bunk bed' in a category A prison, but is in 'good spirits' and 'coping well' with 'the bleak reality' of life inside Belmarsh pokey, his former cellmate and Scum of the World colleague Neville Thurlbeck said on Tuesday. Thurlbeck, the paper’s former chief reporter, made the comments after being released from prison, giving the first account of life inside for Coulson, the former Scum of the World editor and ex-communications chief (and, if you will, 'chum') for David Cameron who was extremely jailed for eighteen months in July for conspiracy to hack phones. After completing thirty seven days of the six-month sentence he was ordered to serve in prison for his part in phone-hacking at the paper, Thurlbeck said that he was 'thrilled' to be 'liberated' after the 'end of a long three year saga' that he hopes now to 'put behind' him. He called on the authorities to move Coulson from a 'harsh' category A prison, holding inmates including murderers, rapists and people who nick stuff from Marks & Spencers (probably) to an open prison where he can smell the flowers and that. Thurlbeck told the Gruniad Morning Star that both he and Coulson were forced to wear the prison uniform involving a 'cornbeef pink T-shirt and matching tracksuit bottoms' for the first two weeks - which is fair enough since the pair of them were, after all, convicted criminals - reported that their exercise consisted of 'walking in circles' in the prison yard, and that the 'Belmarsh diet' had helped him lose a stone. And we're supposed to, what, feel sorry for them? Separately in a blogpost, the paper’s former chief reporter claimed that he had spent twenty two to twenty four hours a day locked up with Coulson. A third former Scum of the World executive, Greg Miskiw, was also sent to Belmarsh at the end of the hacking trial last month but was in a separate cell. He was released along with Thurlbeck on Monday. Thurlbeck said: 'I don't wish to complain.' But, he did: 'I can disabuse anybody of the notion that it's a holiday camp. There are interminable hours of boredom and pain. The beds are made of what I can only describe as giant pencil rubbers and over time your hips and shoulders and elbows start to ache. It is pretty grim. It's what I expected but I am glad it's all behind me now.'Thurlbeck revealed that, contrary to reports - in the International Business Times if not anywhere that you'd actually believe - Coulson had not been attacked by a fellow inmate. Last month it was reported that Coulson had been injured after being pushed down a flight of stairs by a fellow convict. 'Despite being left in a "Category A" prison, Andy Coulson is in good spirits and is getting on well with his fellow inmates. Reports that he has been attacked are totally untrue,' said Thurlbeck. 'We would like to put the record straight on this.' Thurlbeck said that 'nothing but kindness' had been shown to them by fellow prisoners. 'I have witnessed nothing other than the hand of friendship to both of us,' he claimed on his blog. The Scum of the World trio were expected to be moved to an open prison within days of being dispatched to Belmarsh on 4 July. However Thurlbeck revealed this did not happen because the authorities did not categorise them, leaving Coulson in limbo and possibly in Belmarsh, the home of high security prisoners, for the remainder of his sentence. 'Andy Coulson is facing many months in a harsh category A prison because the prison has failed so far to categorise him as a category D prison, the lowest category for white-collar non-violent offenders. Without categorisation he cannot be moved to an open prison where he belongs and where the remainder of his sentence should be served. I feel very strongly about that as did many of his inmates at Belmarsh who felt that Andy was being treated extremely harshly and unfairly. He is in a prison with people serving life for murder, when on humanitarian grounds and under rules of the prison service he should be allowed to serve the remainder of his sentence in an open prison where his wife and young children can visit their father and see him existing in a dignified way,' said Thurlbeck. He refused to comment any further on Coulson, save to say that after two weeks they were given permission to wear civilian clothes. Thurlbeck revealed that his former boss opted for his 'splendid designer polo shirt and jeans while I remained in the prison uniform as I believe in dressing for the occasion.' Thurlbeck and Miskiw got six months porridge for their part in the phone-hacking conspiracy and were released early for good behaviour.

The Sun’s crime reporter is to be charged in relation to an investigation into alleged corrupt payments to public officials. Anthony France will appear before Westminster magistrates court on 21 August, the Crown Prosecution Service said. France faces two counts of conspiring to commit misconduct in public office between 31 March 2008 and 1 July 2011 and 19 July 2009 and 14 August 2009 respectively. Charges are being brought under Scotland Yard's Operation Elveden, which is being run alongside two other inquiries – Operation Weeting, which looked at alleged phone-hacking and Operation Tuleta, examining claims of computer hacking and other privacy breaches. The first charge states that France conspired with Timothy Edwards – a police officer previously charged in relation to Operation Elveden– and with 'others unknown' to commit misconduct in public office. The second charge states that France conspired 'together with others' to commit misconduct in public office.

Dynamo has confirmed that the upcoming fourth series of Magician Impossible will be the last. Speaking at the launch of the new episodes this week, the magician explained that the time feels right to bring a close to his hit Watch show.
It may be an idea for Sky News to employ subtitlers who actually watch Sky News, and aren't bad at differentiating between men and women. Life is frustrating enough for the channel's deputy political editor Joey Jones – who has been forced to toil solo through the summer as acting political editor, until Adam Boulton's successor, Faisal Islam (chosen back in March) takes up the post later this month – without a subtitle identifying him on screen as 'Jenny Jones.' Ouch.

As you probably know if you haven't been living in a cave for the last couple of days, Robin Williams - a particular favourite of this blogger - has been found dead at the age of sixty three, in what has now been confirmed to be a case of suicide. Marin County Police in California said that Robin had been pronounced dead at his home shortly after officials responded to an emergency call on Tuesday. Robin was, of course, one of the great stand-up comedians of his - or, indeed, any other - generation. He was also a superb actor, famous for such films as Good Morning Vietnam and Dead Poets Society and won an Oscar for his role in Good Will Hunting. His publicist said that he had been 'battling severe depression' for several years. In the past, Robin had talked of, and even joked about, his struggles with alcohol and drugs. During the late 1970s Robin had a severe addiction to cocaine. He was a close friend of, and frequent partier with, John Belushi and said that the death of his friend along with the birth of his own eldest son soon afterwards prompted him to quit drugs and alcohol: 'Was it a wake-up call? Oh yeah, on a huge level. The grand jury helped too.' He also once infamously described cocaine as 'God's away of telling you you have too much money.' Robin had recently returned to a rehabilitation centre to 'fine-tune' his sobriety, the Los Angeles Times reported in July. 'At this time, the Sheriff's Office Coroner Division suspects the death to be a suicide due to asphyxia, but a comprehensive investigation must be completed before a final determination is made,' police said before later confirming that Robin had, seemingly, died from suicide. In a statement, Robin's third wife, Susan Schneider, said that she was 'utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin's family, we are asking for privacy during our time of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin's death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.' Something which this blogger echoes. Robin is survived by Susan and his three children - Zak, Zelda and Cody - from two previous marriages. Born in Chicago in 1951, Robin joined the drama club in high school and was accepted into the Juilliard School in New York, the prestigious American academy for the arts where he was a contemporary and close friend of Christopher Reeve. There, Robin was encouraged by a teacher to pursue a career in comedy. After appearing in the cast of the short-lived The Richard Pryor Show on NBC, Robin was cast by Garry Marshall as the gobbledygook-spouting alien Mork in a 1978 episode of Happy Days after impressing the producer with his quirky sense of humour. According to legend when asked to take a seat he sat on his head at his audition. As Mork, Robin improvised much of his dialogue and physical comedy, speaking in a high, nasal voice. Mork's appearance was so popular with viewers that it led to a spin-off, the hugely successful sitcom Mork & Mindy, which ran from 1978 to 1982; the show was written to accommodate Williams's improvisations. Although he played the same character as in his appearance in Happy Days, the show was set in the present day, in Boulder, instead of the late 1950s in Milwaukee. Because of his success on television, throughout the next decade, Robin began to reach a wider audience with his stand-up comedy, including three HBO comedy specials, Off The Wall (1978), An Evening With Robin Williams (1982), and the brilliant Robin Williams: Live At The Met (1986), while continuing to act in such films as Good Morning Vietnam, Dead Poets Society, Mrs Doubtfire, The Fisher King, Hook, Jumaji, The Birdcage and as the voice of the genie in Aladdin. While many of his roles were in comedies, Williams won the Oscar in 1998 for best supporting actor as a therapist in Good Will Hunting. President Barack Obama was one of many offering condolences to his family when he said that Robin 'arrived in our lives as an alien - but he ended up touching every element of the human spirit. He made us laugh. He made us cry. He gave his immeasurable talent freely and generously to those who needed it most - from our troops stationed abroad to the marginalised on our own streets.' Fellow comedian Steve Martin tweeted that he 'could not be more stunned by the loss of Robin Williams, mensch, great talent, acting partner, genuine soul.' Martin and Williams had appeared on stage together during an 1988 Broadway revival of Waiting for Godot. Robin was a member of the Episcopal Church. He described his denomination in a comedy routine as 'Catholic Lite - same rituals, half the guilt.'

Channel Four News has apologised after broadcasting a clip of Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam saying: 'Get a rope and hang me.'Channel Four News ran a report on the actor's death on Tuesday evening which included the clip from Good Morning Vietnam, the 1987 film in which Williams played a larger-than-life DJ on Armed Forces radio. In the clip Williams's character says: 'Why don't they get a rope and hang me?' Channel Four came in for criticism for the unfortunate juxtaposition from, you know, the usual suspects - some people on Twitter, if not anybody that actually matters. Although as the Gruniad Morning Star never ceases reminding us, Twitter is now The Sole Arbiter of the Worth of All Things. Channel Four News, which altered the tribute in the one-hour time-shifted broadcast of the news programme, subsequently apologised. 'We'd like to apologise for including what was an inappropriate line from Good Morning Vietnam in our play-out from tonight's programme,' the broadcaster said. 'There was no offence intended.' As anyone but the stupidest moron in all the world could've probably worked out without them having to be told that. Sadly, dear blog reader, the Internet appears to possess plenty of people who are just such numskull professional offence takers.

And, it wasn't just Channel Four who were getting this kind of lame-brained bollocks flung in their general direction. A 2011 episode of the cartoon comedy Family Guy concerning Robin Williams and featuring a failed suicide attempt (albeit, not by Williams) was broadcast on BBC3 just moments before Robin's death was announced. Viewers were 'shocked' over the 'uncanny timing' after watching the episode - Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 - where Peter Griffin is cursed with the ability to turn everything he touches into Robin Williams. At least, they were according to the Daily Mirra, so, really, they probably weren't' shocked' or anything even remotely like it. During the episode Peter tries to commit suicide in a desperate attempt to stop the clones appearing, before eventually chopping both his hands off to end the spell. 'The Internet is full of comments about the bizarre coincidence with most people calling it "weird" after watching it air on BBC3 at 11.25pm,' the Mirra claim. 'Full' in this case being about ten people with nothing better to do with their time talking about it. And, of course, with this being a story in which the BBC could, potentially, be criticised for something (for not being psychic in this case, seemingly), the Daily Scum Mailwasn't far behind in running the story. Williams died on Monday afternoon at his family home in California and the news broke around 11.50pm UK time, five minutes after the episode on BBC3 had ended. In the episode Peter is watching Williams - his favourite comedian - when another comedian, Jeff Ross, insults his hero. Peter runs outside in the middle of a thunderstorm and accuses God of hating Williams and wishing that everyone was the comedian before he gets struck by lightning. Upon waking up in the hospital, Peter discovers he has gained the Midas-like ability to turn everyone and everything he touches into Robin Williams. A spokeswoman for the BBC described it as an 'uncanny coincidence.'The episode ended just as the news broke about his death. This was a repeat that we have shown a couple of times before, so who could have planned that? It was scheduled more than two weeks ago so it is just an uncanny coincidence. Some of our people who work here noticed that the death of Robin Williams was announced just as this episode ended.' The spokesman added: 'It was due to be repeated on Friday but we will not be showing it now.'Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane said: 'The world just got a lot less funny. Robin Williams is a tragic loss.'

Meanwhile another person getting it in the neck over Robin Williams was the comedian Richard Herring who, according to a completely worthless piece of cut-and-paste nonsense in the Independent'incurred the wrath of Twitter users after posting a perhaps ill-advised joke about the death of Robin Williams.' Although as one Indi reader quickly pointed out the 'droves' of Twitter uses whom Herring, allegedly, incurred the 'wrath' of and replied to him was, actually, five. I wonder if the Indi reporter, one Ella Alexander (no, me neither) remembers a time when journalists had to actually get up off their arses and go out and solicit quotes about a chosen subject instead of merely sitting in the office glued to half-a-dozen glakes wittering about something on social media. Which, let's remember, is The Sole Arbiter Of The Worth Of All Things. According to middle-class hippy Communist gits like the Independent. Back, vaguely, in the real world, Herring also tweeted a link to an article he wrote for the Metro in March this year, in which he discussed how we 'need to talk about death more.' He said: 'I find the way that social media responds to death and disaster mainly bewildering. If a celebrity dies, it now feels that everyone has to write a post about it, even if they have nothing original to say. It's like we’re all the Prime Minister of our own little country and the world would be shocked and appalled if we didn't make some kind of statement.' Word.

More sad news now, Lauren Bacall has died at the age of eighty nine. With a movie career that spanned seven decades beginning with a memorable debut at the age of nineteen opposite her future husband, Humphrey Bogart, in To Have and Have Not Lauren was one of the last representatives of the golden age of Hollywood. More than fifty years after To Have and Have Not, The Mirror Has Two Faces earned her a Golden Globe Award and an Academy Award nomination. Lauren Bacall smouldered on cinema screens portraying a new type of femme fatale - independent, intelligent yet still utterly erotic. She became one of the most famous actresses in post-war cinema, renowned for her husky voice, the trademark look and her marriage to Bogart. She was born Betty Joan Perske in September 1924, in Brooklyn, to a Polish father and a Romanian mother. Her parents divorced when she was five and she took her mother's maiden name as her surname, although she added an extra 'l' to her mother's Bacal. Like many aspiring actresses, she financed her studies at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts by taking on part-time work, in her case as a theatre usherette and a model. Lauren became an overnight success when the director Howard Hawks realised his long-term ambition of turning a complete unknown actress into a star. Hawks' wife had spotted the aspiring Bacall on the cover of Harper's Bazaar magazine in March 1943 and recommended her to her husband. Hawks brought a different type of woman to the big screen, one who could hold her own with anyone and had as many dimensions and problems as her male counterparts. Known as 'Hawksian women', his characters were hugely varied. He renamed her Lauren and sent her for voice training to develop the low, sexy tones which became her trademark. Her first film performance, as the tough and tender dame in To Have and Have Not, became one of the most powerful debuts in film history. The film featured her legendary lines: 'You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and ... blow.' One critic said that she was 'the toughest girl a piously regenerate Hollywood has dreamed of in years.' During the filming of To Have and Have Not, she and her co-star Humphrey Bogart began a relationship which led to Bacall, twenty five years Bogart's junior, becoming his fourth wife. Despite his no-nonsense physical on-screen persona, Bacall once said of her husband: 'Was he tough? In a word, no. Bogey was truly a gentle soul.' The couple went on to star in three more films together - Dark Passage, Key Largo and, most famously, The Big Sleep. In this classic film noir, Bogie and Bacall had an on-screen rapport that other Hollywood couples could only dream of. Yet, later in life, she refused to watch her early work, once reportedly saying: 'I can't bear to see myself looking young. It is a form of torture to be reminded of what used to be now I'm a wrinkly old woman.' During the late 1940s, Bogart and Bacall set up the Committee for the First Amendment. Established by some of Hollywood's biggest names, it was an attempt to counter attacks on Hollywood by the House Un-American Activities Committee. HUAC's infamous campaign to rid American cinema of anyone with allegedly Communist tendencies led to a blacklist of Hollywood writers and actors. Together with some fifty other celebrities, Bacall and Bogart flew to Washington DC in 1947 to lend support to those blacklisted but their efforts failed to end the persecution. Her career continued to blossom during the 1950s. She received good reviews for her performance in the jazz influenced film, Young Man With A Horn, where she appeared with Doris Day and Kirk Douglas. More plaudits followed for the 1953 film, How to Marry a Millionaire (alongside Marilyn Monroe and Betty Grable) and Written on the Wind in 1956. However, Bogart, who was a heavy smoker and drinker, had been in failing health. He was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus in 1956 and died a year later. After Bogart's death she was briefly engaged to Frank Sinatra and, in 1961, she married another Hollywood heavyweight, Jason Robards. Bacall's film career faded somewhat in the 1960s but she made a triumphant transfer to the stage. She performed in the popular comedy Cactus Flower and the musical Applause, which ran for nearly two years and earned her a Tony Award for the best actress in a musical play. She was seen in only a handful of films during this period, mostly all-star vehicles such as Sex and the Single Girl (1964) with Henry Fonda, Tony Curtis and Natalie Wood, Harper (1966) with Paul Newman, Shelley Winters, Julie Harris, Robert Wagner and Janet Leigh, and Murder on the Orient Express (1974). In 1964, she appeared in two episodes of Craig Stevens's Mr Broadway, the first Take A Walk Through A Cemetery with her then husband, Jason Robards. In the 1970s she wrote a remarkably frank autobiography called Lauren Bacall, By Myself, which went on to become a bestseller in several countries. The American Academy of Dramatic Arts presented its Lifetime Achievement Award to her in 1963 and Harvard University named her Woman of the Year in 1967. She was nominated for an Oscar in 1996 for a more recent Hollywood role in the mother-daughter tale The Mirror Has Two Faces, opposite Barbara Streisand. In 2009, she received an honorary Oscar and joked: 'I can't believe it - a man at last.' Paying tribute to the actress on the night, Kirk Douglas described her as 'a pussycat' adding she had 'a heart of gold.' The first years of the Twenty First Century saw something of a revival in her film career with appearances in Dogville in 2003 and Birth a year later, in both films starring opposite Nicole Kidman. Proving age had not diminished her spirited nature, the veteran actress reacted badly when Kidman was described on TV as 'a legend.' Bacall replied: 'She's not a legend. She's a beginner. She can't be a legend at whatever age she is.' However, she told a press conference promoting the film at the Venice Film Festival that she and Kidman had 'a fabulous relationship.' Tall, elegant and determined with an acerbic sense of humour, Lauren Bacall brought a fresh knowingness to her roles. She appeared in some of the greatest films in Hollywood's golden era and helped to define the role of the strong, determined woman who knows exactly what she wants out of life, and knows just how to get it. Lauren was a staunch liberal Democrat, campaigning for Democratic candidate Adlai Stevenson in the 1952 Presidential election and for Robert Kennedy in his 1964 run for the Senate. In a 2005 interview with Larry King, Bacall described herself as 'anti-Republican. A liberal. The L-word.' She added that 'being a liberal is the best thing on Earth you can be. You are welcoming to everyone when you're a liberal. You do not have a small mind.'

JJ Murphy, the veteran Irish actor who had just filmed his first scenes for Game Of Thrones has died. Murphy, eighty six, died suddenly on Friday at his home in Belfast. He had recently joined the cast for series five of the popular HBO fantasy series, which is largely filmed in Northern Ireland. He had been cast as Denys Mallister of The Night's Watch. The character was due to appear throughout series five and Murphy had been expected to film more scenes this summer. He also had a role alongside fellow Game Of Thrones actor, Charles Dance, in the upcoming Hollywood film, Dracula Untold. The movie was filmed in Ulster in 2013 with a budget of one hundred million quid, and is due to be released in October. Dracula Untold was not Murphy's first experience of Bram Stoker's creation as he played Van Helsing in a 1980 production of The Death Of Dracula at the Lyric Theatre in Belfast. Murphy was a well known figure in Ireland for his stage work having trained at the Old Group Drama School in the 1940s and as a member of the Lyric Players Theatre. His movie CV included appearances in Cal, Angela's Ashes and Faraway. Belfast born, Murphy leaves behind wife Mary, and two children, Joseph and Jane, and granddaughter Sarah-Jane.

The advertising watchdog has banned a hi-tech underwear brand – backed by Sir Richard Branson as 'underpants for superheroes'– from claiming its 'mesh of pure silver' can protect men's genitals from radiation emitted by mobile phones. Wireless Armour, which launched earlier this year via crowdfunding site Indiegogo, was named as one of Branson's top ten back-of-the-envelope start up ideas. In an online advert, Wireless Armour said that it uses a 'mesh of pure silver' woven into the fabric of each pair of underpants. This 'encases the user in a cage of metal'– a Faraday cage – which supposedly protects male fertility by stopping electromagnetic radiation emitted from wireless devices carried in a trouser pocket. The Advertising Standards Authority received a single complaint challenging Wireless Armour's claims. The company provided eight studies and three papers demonstrating the link between mobile phone radiation and male fertility. It also provided test results from a piece of the fabric that it uses to support its claims. 'None of the papers that had been provided demonstrated that mobile phone radiation had a proven negative impact on human male fertility,' the ASA ruled. '[We]concluded that the claims asserting a link between the two were misleading.' The ASA also dismissed the fabric test report because it was a sample, not a retail product. We therefore considered that the evidence provided was not sufficient to show that the product, when utilised by consumers, was able to prevent EM from reaching the genitals,' the ASA said. 'In the absence of any such evidence, we concluded that the claims were misleading.' The ASA banned Wireless Armour’s advertising campaign and said that it must have 'adequate evidence to substantiate the efficacy claims in their marketing in future.' In a blog last year, Branson referred to the company's products as 'underpants for superheroes. All men should take care of their precious crown jewels, so this sounds like a very intriguing invention I'd like to know more about,' he said.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, it's time for a bit of Northern Soul, I reckon. So, being the kind of helpful chap I am dear blog reader, here's some. No, fer fek's sake clap in the right place!

The Doctor Who World Tour has reached North America, with yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self - both looking, it must be said, as effortlessly cool as fuck - alongside The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, meeting fans and attending a Question and Answer session at the Ziegfeld Theatre in Manhattan (which, as it happens, was attended by several of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's stateside mates. The lucky bastards!) Fans reportedly camped out for up to ten hours to see Peter and Jenna emerge from a New York taxi as they attended the special screening of this year's season opener Deep Breath. Peter told the crowd he had been watching Doctor Who since he was five. 'Actors who played Doctor Who – Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker – those were the people I was watching. More than Laurence Olivier. I turned up on set and saw the TARDIS. I remember touching it, the police box, and I got a little bit teary. I was just so thrilled to be there.'
Yer actual Peter Capaldi knew he was in New York the minute he stepped out of a yellow cab which drove him and Jenna Coleman her very self to the North American première of Doctor Who. 'Someone just shouted at me from the crowd, "The first Italian Doctor"' he noted. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat said that he was not concerned younger viewers would be turned off by the elder Time Lord. 'Is that why Santa Claus never worked as an old man and kids didn't like him?' he replied when asked this utterly arsehole stupid question for what seemed like the fifty seven thousandth time. 'Look, I hate to tell you this, but to kids, Matt Smith was ancient, right? I mean we're all ancient to them so [I'm] not remotely [worried].' The Moffat is also not dwelling on the recent, highly publicised, online leak of scripts for several upcoming episodes. 'There's nothing we can do about it. We were a bit depressed about it, especially me - but what can you do?' he said. Doctor Who has gradually built a major following in the US as a modern TV phenomenon, with a sustained push from BBC America since it took over screening the series from the Syfy channel in 2009. From a virtually unknown TV character in the US outside of the series' PBS-drawn cult fandom, The Doctor has now evolved into one that can carry the cover of major entertainment magazines and draw audiences consistently in the millions as the BBC America show with the highest ratings. Last year, BBC America enjoyed a record audience of almost five million when it screened a fiftieth anniversary Doctor Who special.
The tour now moves into its final few days with events in Mexico City on Sunday and Rio de Janeiro on Monday. The team then return to the UK in time for a special event at the Odeon Leicester Square on Saturday to launch the series around the world.
Meanwhile, citing an anonymous - and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - alleged 'source', the Daily Mirra are reporting that Jenna Coleman will be leaving the TARDIS in this year's Christmas special. As to whether this allegation is true or not ... If the Mirra told me that black was a darker shade than white I'd want a second opinion. I'm not saying it's not true, but this blogger's advice is to wait for somebody who actually knows what they're talking about to confirm or deny such a story - without restoring to unattributed alleged quotes from anonymous alleged 'sources' - before trusting it as far as he can spit.

The title sequence for Doctor Who's new series has been 'inspired' by a fan-made clip widely seen on YouTube. Billy Hanshaw, a motion graphics designer from yer actual Leeds, put together his own version of a title sequence for the new Peter Capaldi-starring series which received over seven hundred thousand views and, eventually, found its way to Doctor Who showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat. The Moffat his very self said: '[Billy] created this title sequence, put it up on YouTube. I happened to cross it and it was the only new title idea I'd seen since 1963. We got in touch with him, and said, "okay, we're going to do that one."' The new Doctor Who title sequence will be unveiled on the series eight opener Deep Breath next week.
Meanwhile, half a world away ...
The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has suggested that Peter Capaldi's regeneration leads to a 'frightening' and, indeed, post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare of a new dynamic between The Doctor and Clara. The Moffat offered a preview of upcoming episodes to TV Line and said that Capaldi's Doctor will defy expectations from his first moment on screen. 'What would it be like if you were Matt Smith one moment and Peter Capaldi the next?' Moffat said. 'It must be frightening - especially when you look at your best friend in the whole world, the person upon who you're anchored - and they don't see you. They literally look right through you and see someone else.' The Moffat added that Capaldi's 'unique approach' to playing the Time Lord included him defying the show's penchant for having The Doctor 'dance or be running around the console' while solving problems. 'He'd say, "Actually, no, I'm just going to stand here,"' the writer said. 'Instead of coming to the room, he let the room come to him. He was really bold and brave and made those changes. That was Peter finding his own path.'
The BBC has released the official synopsis for the second episode of Doctor Who series eight. Into The Dalek is written by Phil Ford and will be the second consecutive episode directed by Kill List film-maker Ben Wheatley. The plot synopsis reads: 'A Dalek fleet surrounds a lone rebel ship and only The Doctor can help them now. With The Doctor facing his greatest enemy, he needs Clara by his side. Confronted with a decision that could change The Daleks forever, he is forced to examine his conscience. Will he find the answer to the question, "am I a good man?"'Luther, Spaced and Wire In The Blood actor Michael Smiley, Ideal's Ben Crompton and Fresh Meat's Zawe Ashton are among the guest cast for Into The Dalek. The episode will be broadcast on BBC1 on Saturday 30 August.
Big shouty Brian Blessed's episode of BBC1's Who Do You Think You Are? was watched by 4.56m overnight viewers on Thursday evening. Earlier, The Sheriffs Are Coming had an audience of 3.1m. The penultimate episode of BBC2's The Honourable Woman took 1.51m in the 9pm hour. On ITV, Harbour Lives had an audience of to 2.2m and Kids With Cameras: Diary Of A Children's Ward was watched by 1.31m. Channel Four's Location, Location, Location appealed to 1.37m. It was followed by Embarrassing Bodies (1.09m) and First Time Farmers (five hundred and eight thousand). The last highlights episode of this year's Big Brother was watched by 1.22m on Channel Five from 10pm. Preceding Big Brother were The Body In The Freezer: Countdown to Murder (nine hundred and twenty seven thousand) and The Last Secrets Of 9/11 (1.05m).

The Big Brother final was viewed by an average of 1.53 million on Channel Five on Friday. The live finale, which was won by Helen Wood, apparently, attracted a peak audience of 1.62 million. BBC1's Boomers was the evening's highest-rated show outside of soaps, pulling in an average of 4.45 million at 9pm. The new comedy series, which stars Philip Jackson, Alison Steadman and Russ Abbot, peaked with 4.47 million. BBC1's evening started with 2.27 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 2.10 million for A Question of Sport and 2.35 million for Scrappers at 8.30pm. Later in the evening, Room 101 and Would I Lie to You? The Unseen Bits were watched by 2.08 million and 1.47 million respectively. After a bumper evening of athletics, BBC2's night kicked off with 2.02 million for The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice at 9pm, followed by 1.82 million for Sweets Made Simple at 9.30pm. With an average audience of but 2.27 million, The Dales was ITV's highest-rated show outside of soaps, narrowly beating a Doc Martin repeat with 2.12 million. Over on Channel Four, The Million Pound Drop was seen by eight hundred thousand, The Singer Takes It All was watched by seven hundred and eighty thousand, while The Last Leg was watched by nine hundred and eighty thousand. Family Guy was among the highest-rated multichannel shows, peaking with eight hundred and three thousand on BBC3.

The former Coronation Street set is to be demolished following the soap's move to a new site. The set on the old Granada TV lot in Central Manchester was turned into a visitor attraction after filming moved to Trafford in January. But, developer Allied London, which bought the Quay Street site for twenty six million knicker last year, is reported to be planning to build flats, shops and offices in its place. Because, of course, Manchester hasn't got enough of all of those already. The set had been used since 1982 but was refused a listed status in 2012. English Heritage said that the complex was 'not sufficiently historic or architecturally significant' to be listed. The set has attracted more than two hundred thousand visitors since opening as a temporary tourist attraction in April. The attraction is due to close on 4 October, although it could be extended until demolition work begins. But not beyond. Obviously. The redevelopment of the area is due to start sometime next year. An ITV spokesperson said: 'Coronation Street's new home is at MediaCityUK and the tour at Quay Street was always for a limited time. Although we can't confirm the official closure date - once the tour has closed, ITV will return the site to Allied London with the Coronation Street lot removed.' Glenda Young, editor of the Coronation Street Blog, said that it was 'bad for fans' and urged the developers to retain something from the street. 'It seems a shame,' she said. 'Even if there's just a bit of the old cobbles left, or Maxine's bench, or something that we know, it would be ideal. Make it a place for people to go and sit and be a focal point for that piece of Coronation Street history and culture. Once that's gone, there's nowhere else for fans to go. The Hacienda [nightclub] has been turned into flats, but people still turn up and have a look to see a bit of the old Hacienda.' But, she admitted that a full tourist attraction would probably not be viable in the long term. 'I think something like that's got a shelf life, and now that we all know they film on a different set anyway, the novelty would wear off,' she said.

Sheridan Smith will star in new ITV drama Black Work. The actress will play Jo Gillespie in the 'riveting thriller' (it says here) from writer Matt Charman. The three-part story follows Smith's character as she sets out to discover who murdered her husband Ryan, an undercover policeman who was shot dead in mysterious circumstances. Jo, who also works as a police officer, must 'face the difficult truth' about her marriage as she continues with her investigation. She is wracked with guilt following her attachment to one of Ryan's colleagues. The drama will also explore Jo's strained relationships with her daughter and stepson in the wake of Ryan's death. Charman said: 'Sheridan Smith is a dream to write for because as an actress there's really nothing she can't do. And Black Work is a story that pushes her to the limit - it makes her character Jo Gillespie doubt herself, her family, her friends, everything she's always taken for granted in her search for her husband's killer.'Black Work will be produced by Mammoth Screen and was commissioned for ITV by Director of Drama Commissioning Steve November and Controller of Drama Victoria Fea. Filming will commence this autumn in Leeds, with Michael Samuels slated to direct.

A new documentary about the clashes between mods and rockers will be broadcast on BBC1 later this month. Mods and Rockers Rebooted will be shown on Friday 22 August at 7.30pm to coincide with the fiftieth anniversary of the seafront fights between the two subcultures. The mods and rocker clashes inspired The Who's 1973 LP Quadrophenia and Franc Roddam's 1979 film of the same name, which marks its thirty fifth birthday this month. Mods and Rockers Rebooted asks how much truth there was in the news reports of the time and how much Roddam's film reflected reality. 'To seek answers, and separate fact from fiction, the BBC documentary, narrated by Quadrophenia star Phil Daniels, goes back to each location piecing together the events of 1964 in chronological order,' said the BBC. 'It will reveal the real people behind the hard-hitting headlines, including interviews with mods and rockers who were there in 1964 (now in their sixties and seventies) taking them back to the seaside scenes of their crimes: Clacton, Margate, Brighton and Hastings.' Stanley Cohen's enduring 1972 study Folk Devils and Moral Panics was written in the wake of fights between mods and rockers between March and August of 1964 and their depiction in the media. It was recently announced that The Who their very selves are working with director Simon West on a television drama about the 1960s music scene with the working title Mods and Rockers.

And so to the next batch of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's Top Telly Tips:-

Saturday 23 August
'A giant dinosaur from the distant past has just vomited a blue box from outer space - this is not a day for jumping to conclusions.' And so we come to the TV event of the year so far, the opening episode of series eight of Doctor Who - 7:50 BBC1. Assuming you haven't already watched an illegally downloaded copy of Deep Breath (or, indeed, read the script). Having briefly appeared at the end of last year's Christmas special, yer actual Peter Capaldi goes on his first adventure on board the TARDIS, taking over the controls from Matt Smith his very self. When The Doctor (and an extremely discombobulated Clara) arrive in Victorian London, they find a dinosaur causing havoc in the Thames, as well as a spate of deadly spontaneous combustions. Will Clara's friendship forged with the previous Doctor survive as they embark on a terrifying mission with their friends Madame Vastra, Jenny and Strax into the heart of an alien conspiracy the threatens the virry fabric of existence itself and that? The long-awaited return of the popular family SF drama, co-starring Jenna Coleman, Neve McIntosh, Dan Starkey, Catrin Stewart, Peter Ferdinando and Paul Hickey. Keep your eyes peeled for a tiny cameo by Ideal creator Graham Duff. Written by The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, directed by Ben Wheatley.

An American female bishop visiting St Gerard's College is found dead after drinking poisoned wine and, when another two killings occur, both mirroring macabre murders from Jacobean revenge tragedy, it appears that the culprit is targeting candidates in the election to become vice-regent in Lewis - 7:00 ITV3. Good luck spotting the murderer in this episode, Wild Justice, from series five: any one of a slew of guest stars could, theoretically, be responsible for the poisoning of the bishop. There's the lecturer in revenge tragedy with her own, hidden, past (Amelia Bullmore), the retired copper seen sniffing around the scene of the crime (Christopher Timothy), the creepy friar (Ronald Pickup), the wealthy old dame (Sian Phillips), the nervy servant (Daniel Ryan), the twinkly professor (Sorcha Cusack) and so on. To add to the atmosphere, the college is full of friars in black hoods, any one of whom could pass for The Grim Reaper. The plot teases the viewer cleverly through a web of motives, secrets and intrigue including a completely unexpected curve-ball involving the past of three of the characters in the final half-hour. However, when Jean Innocent learns that one of the suspects is hiding a deep, dark, troubling secret, Robbie Lewis and James Hathaway realise the motive is much more twisted. With Kevin Whately, Laurence Fox, Rebecca front and Clae Holman.

In 2002, seven years after the Dora Lange murder was supposedly wrapped up, Cohle begins investigating old missing persons cases and visits preacher Joel Theriot for information about the Tuttle schools in True Detective - 9:00 Sky Styalntic. Meanwhile, Marty has a chance encounter with Beth, one of the girls from the trailer-park brothel they visited when they looked for connections to the victim. So, this wee it's the, long-awaited Rust and Marty meltdown. True Detective is, as has been noted elsewhere, the latest in a long line of quasi-operatic American TV dramas to dig, rather remorselessly, into the troubled souls of confused, self-destructive men of conscience. Woody Harrelson has made Marty a caged monster almost to rival Tony Soprano or Don Draper in terms of his capacity for explosive violence. The sight of him grimly punishing the young men who dared to have sex with his daughter – Marty hurts and degrades all of the women in his life without a second thought, but nobody else is allowed to, it seems – is a fearsome start to a sequence of events in which his weaknesses finally threatens to destroy him. But the real genius of the show is in the choice of antagonist: Rust Cohle, a cleverer, prettier man (hell, this is Matthew McConaughey after all), whose ongoing magnificent battle with grief gives him a proper excuse for leaving the rails. Which, of course, he does. Spectacularly. As Rust's cold stubbornness brings him down, the two men's differences turn into contempt – and another episode where every scene is a perfectly poised, awful fable explodes. And thus we leap forward to 2012, and Papania and Gilbough interview Maggie, who denies her divorce had anything to do with her ex-husband's former partner. If you missed the best new TV drama for 2014 first time around, it's about time you caught up.

Zoe is feeling the pressure of reaching her fortieth birthday and finds unexpected support in the form of an ex- patient in Casualty - 9:10 BBC1. Cal steals Ethan's proposal idea, but Lily is determined to reveal the truth to Connie. Meanwhile, the competitive duo treat a man who has struck by a falling crate, and when a routine CT-scan picks up a pre-existing condition and his son suffers an allergic reaction, alarm bells are sounded. Meanwhile, a building site accident brings a warring father and son closer together as an illness is revealed, Mac convinces Jeff he's being followed by Tamzin's boyfriend Dave, and Rita's behaviour starts to worry both staff and patients when her drinking becomes impossible to conceal.

Sunday 24 August
Polling day draws closer in the village, resulting in an even deeper rift between Grace and John as she becomes increasingly impressed by Bill Gibby's left-wing ideas, which leads to John banning her from voting in The Village - 9:00 BBC1. Elsewhere, John is finally making a success of the dairy farm after he installs a mobile-milking machine and takes over the village's provision of milk when Rutter's herd get TB. Clem is also happy - she has found the perfect match for Edmund - Lord Kilmartin's daughter Harriet. Meanwhile, Bert asks Eyre for advice about Martha and Phoebe, and is it a case of too little, too late for Gilbert and Agnes? Period drama, starring Maxine Peake, John Simm and Derek Riddell.

In James May's Cars Of The People - 9:00 BBC2 - James concludes his examination of the social significance of cars by exploring how aspiration and new wealth were behind the development of some of the greatest models ever made. He tries to make sense of the baffling world of company car hierarchy by holding a travelling salesman race-off and indulges his 1980s urges with the twin delights of a Lamborghini and a Porsche. He also unveils his choice of the ultimate people's car - a vehicle that can lay claim to being the greatest in history.

'Ten million for your bugged-eyed monsters! What do I know!' If you've ever wondered what makes Doctor Who so very special to so many of us then look no further than Mark Gatiss's beautifully judged and handsomely mounted poignant love letter to its past An Adventure In Space & Time, which is repeated tonight - 10:00 BBC2. A splendid cast (Brian Cox, Sacha Dhawan and the terrific Jessica Raine) pay homage to the three outsider visionaries - Sydney Newman, Waris Hussain and Vverity Lambert - who, fifty years ago, shook up the stuffy old BBC and launched the TARIDS on its maiden voyage. Eventually. In early 1963, the BBC's brash new Head of Drama the Canadian auteur Sydney Newman puts a young, first-time producer Verity Lambert in charge of developing his idea for an SF drama series for all the family and character actor William Hartnell (David Bradley in the performance of a lifetime) is persuaded to take on the lead role of a mysterious time-traveller known only as The Doctor.

Hughie Green: Most Sincerely - 11:00 Yesterday - is a supern docu-drama from 2009 revealing the tumultuous personal life of the late Hughie Green, a former child star who rose to become a leading TV personality of the 1950s through to the 1970s. His rivalry with Jess Yates and serial womanising led to a shocking revelation after his death, when it was discovered he was the real father of The Tube presenter Paula Yates. Trevor Eve plays Green with a mixture of staggering ego and occasionally charm. With Mark Benton and Kim Thomson.
Monday 25 August
The UCoS team re-examines the murder of a junior doctor strangled in 2010 in the latest episode of New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. Interviewing her relatives, who are all doctors, staff at her hospital and a surgeon who had been the young woman's tutor, officers hope to identify a lead that was missed during the original investigation. Depressed at the thought of his daughter Holly leaving home for university, Danny finds himself being cheered by his colleagues as they hire a pedibus for a ride through Central London. Tamzin Outhwaite, Nicholas Lyndhurst, Denis Lawson and Dennis Waterman star.

Michael Sheen gives an award-winning - and, in places, properly scary - performance in the lead role in Fantabulosa! - 11:00 Yesterday - the drama based on Kenneth Williams' astonishingly frank and candid diaries first shown on BBC4. The film charts the comic actor's professional successes, which included the Carry On series, radio programmes such as Round the Horne and numerous TV appearances. It also delves behind the laughter to explore the actor's problems, insecurity and self-doubt, his complex sexuality, his fractious relationship with his mother, Lou, his friendships with Babs Windsor, Joe Orton and Ken Halliwell and Tony Hancock and his hatred of Sid James. Bona.

If you thought he was brilliant in Doctor Who on Saturday - and, if you didn't then, you know, here's tuppence so you can buy yourself some taste - you might want to check out a classic from yer actual Peter Capaldi's past, The Cricklewood Greats - 11:10 BBC4. The hilarious spoof documentary presented by Capaldi tells the (entirely fictitious) story of Cricklewood Film Studios, a British movie company that could be Rank, Hammer or any number of other, real, studios. Peter - channelling Barry Norman at his most effortlessly pretentious - charts Cricklewood's significant contributions to cinematic history, ranging from silent comedies to horror movies and recalls the often turbulent lives of some of its biggest stars. For all lovers of movie history with a sense of humour.
It's 1889 and the filthy, scum-ridden streets of Whitechapel in East London are in tumult; though Jack the Ripper seems to have stopped carving a bloody swathe through the area's whores, the local population remains febrile and terrified of shadows. Into this maelstrom of repression, sexual tension and extreme violence comes Whitechapel police's H Division and the decent, clever and level-headed Detective Inspector Edmund Reid (Matthew Macfadyen) in Ripper Street 10:00 Drama. They have grown somewhat used to the hysteria, so when a woman is found extremely dead and savagely mutilated, they are prepared for the worst. Is Saucy Jack back and up to his old ripping tricks again, and all that? Reid recruits a dissolute American friend, a former Pinkerton detective (Adam Rothenberg), to help himself and his redoubtable sergeant (Jerome Flynn who, frankly, steals the entire show with his caustically understated performance) in the hunt for the killer. Richard Warlow's full-of blood and snots script, in the first of an eight-part series, and the excellent production design pull us straight into Ripper Street. You can almost smell the stench of a capital groping its way to prosperity after the Industrial Revolution. It's a strange, occasionally infuriating drama, a highly stylised oddity, frequently anachronistic (who can forget the episode featuring a reference to 'reverse engineering' a hundred years before the term was invented) and, exceptionally kinky. So, definitely one to watch with a few mates, a bottle of wine and takeaway curry, then.

Tuesday 26 August
The CSIs are called to the scene of a car crash and dental records identify the dead driver as reporter John Merchiston, whose lawyer reveals he was working on an investigative piece about a domestic intelligence-gathering operation headed by air force general Robert Lansdale in the latest episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - 9:00 Channel Five. However, DB Russell (Ted Danson) is shocked - shocked, I say - and stunned - very stunned - when Merchiston only goes and turns up, rather alive and relatively well and explains that it was his assistant what was actually behind the wheel of the car. Not only that, but Julie Finlay has agreed to shelter him. Guest starring the terrific James Callis from Battlestar Galactica and John de Lancie.

Captain Sam Quinn finds himself in the middle of a dispute as he delivers much-needed supplies to remote Papuan tribes people in the second episode of Worst Place To Be A Pilot - 9:00 Channel 4. Which might be the second most annoying thing on television at the moment after those really sodding drippy Hotel Trivago commercials. When bows and arrows are drawn, he makes a swift exit, as you do. And, then he's struck down with malaria back at base, which could end his flying career. Captain Guy Richardson receives VIP treatment at the opening of a remote island runway, while new recruit Nick Holmes takes an assessment to decide whether he's finally allowed to get behind the controls of a plane.

John Barnaby arrives in Midsomer to replace his cousin as the bloke what had to deal with the biggest murder rate in Western Europe in a repeated episode of Midsomer Murders - 8:00 ITV. The headmistress of an upmarket girls' boarding school wastes no time in asking Barnaby to patrol a forthcoming classic-car show. However, when the local DJ who was set to judge the vehicles is crushed to death, the detective is soon investigating his first murder case since replacing cousin Tom - and as the death toll rises, he finds himself in a perilous situation. Drama, guest starring David Warner and Samantha Bond, with Neil Dudgeon and Jason Hughes.

Live from Los Angeles, Sky Living presents two and a half hours of highlights from The Sixty Sixth Annual Primetime EMMY Awards - 8:30. Hosted by the comedian Seth Meyers, the EMMYs honour the best in primetime television programming in the US. Game Of Thrones leads the way with nineteen nominations, while Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) faces stiff competition from the True Detective duo Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson as he looks for his fourth win as Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. Netflix favourite Orange Is The New Black is up for twelve awards, Kerry Washington is nominated for Scandal, and Great Britain is well-represented, too, with nods for Downton Abbey, Sherlock, Luther and Dancing On The Edge.

Wednesday 27 August
The Taj Mahal Palace in Mumbai is one of India's oldest and most famous hotels and is where the super-rich go to be treated like the maharajahs of the country's past. The documentary Hotel India - 8:00 BBC2 - was filmed over the course of six months and goes behind the scenes with the fifteen hundred-strong staff as they respond to every whim and demand of the guests. In the first episode, general manager Gaurav and executive housekeeper Indrani spend days making countless checks ahead of VIP visits to the luxurious Tata suite, while oil trader Captain Bhasin hosts a cocktail party in his rooms.

Adorably cute kittens, excitable puppies and all manner of other professional pets - the advertising industry wants them all. Inspired by the popularity of humorous online videos and Internet celebrities like Grumpy Cat, who has loaned her sour face to a range of products including calendars, mugs and T-shirts, pets are now big business. The Cutting Edge documentary Star Paws: The Rise of Superstar Pets - 9:00 Channel Four tells the story of the animal agents and owners whose job it is to supply a new wave of four-legged stars to appear in some of the world's favourite adverts.

In the one-off documentary Addicts' Symphony - 11:00 Channel Four - the composer James McConnel brings together ten classical musicians all of whose lives have been blighted by various types of addiction and forms an ensemble for a performance with the London Symphony Orchestra. Each of them is trying to break free from addiction - some have been sober for years, others only a few months. As a recovering alcoholic himself, James has found that music played a significant role in his personal journey and wants to share this with others in a similar position.

Thursday 28 August
The Irish comedian Brendan O'Carroll, best known as his alter ego Mrs Brown and star of the BBC sitcom Mrs Brown's Boys, tries to find out the truth about his grandfather's murder and attempts to uncover the identities of the men responsible in the latest episode of Who Do You Think You Are? - 9:00 BBC1. Shopkeeper Peter O'Carroll was killed in October 1920 at the height of the Irish War of Independence and the Dublin-born actor begins his journey of discovery with only a newspaper article from the time and the words 'shot during the curfew' from Peter's gravestone.

As a boy, you know back in the last century, frogs were just about the first animals that yer actual David Attenborough kept and today he is still every bit as passionate about them and their wily ways. In the Natural World film Attenborough's Fabulous Frogs - 9:00 BBC2 - the veteran naturalist and broadcaster takes viewers into the weird and wonderful world of the amphibian, shedding new light on the charismatic, colourful and frequently bizarre creatures, and examining their anatomy, extraordinary behaviour and ability to survive in some of the most extreme places on the planet. Last in the current series.

American-style proms have become an essential rite of passage for many UK teenagers, who set their sights on designer outfits, makeovers and luxurious transport as they approach the end-of-year event. The daft planks. With access to schools in Essex and Sussex, the documentary Prom Crazy: Frocks And Ferraris - 9:00 ITV - follows four youngsters preparing for their 'big night.' Ben is in danger of missing out entirely if he fails to improve his attendance record, while Chanelle has her heart set on a dress she can't afford. Callum is planning an extravagant proposal to ask a girl to the dance, and Matt is determined to arrive in style.

The suspected leader of the paedophile ring is murdered and the hunt is on to find the killer in the final episode of the current series of Suspects - 9:00 Channel Five. Charlie finds a USB stick among the victim's effects containing footage of him and several other men raping a boy called Andre Gatting. However, the hunt to find the youngster and his abusers runs into complications when his mother talks to the press - a move that could put her son's life in danger. Crime drama, guest starring Gillian Kearney and Carley Stenson, with Fay Ripley, Damien Molony and Clare-Hope Ashitey.

Friday 29 August
Tonight sees the - baffling - return of Big School - 9:30 BBC1 - the not even remotely funny classroom comedy, starring David Walliams. When Miss Postern sets up a careers workshop, it seems her slogan 'Which Way Now?' applies as much to her as it does to the pupils, not least because the guest speaker is her old teacher-training colleague - and now best-selling children's author - Fenella Forbes (played by Morgana Robinson). Meanwhile, her relationship with Mister Church has taken a downward turn after a misunderstanding over a date. On the upside, the future is looking bright for one member of staff, as Mister Martin prepares to launch his pop career. With Catherine Tate, Daniel Rigby, Philip Glenister, Frances de la Tour - how can so many good actors appear in something so utterly shite is something you're likely to be asking yourself before it's finished - and with a guest appearance by Cheryl Fergison.

Blondie's New York And The Making Of Parallel Lines - 9:00 BBC4 - tells the story behind the rock band's third LP - a record that is said to capture the spirit of 1970s New York at a time of poverty, crime and artistic endeavour. As well as being, of course, one of the greatest slabs of vinyl ever released. The seven individuals who wrote, produced and performed its songs discuss their aim to create a game-changing LP full of sure-fire hits. Including commentary from lead singer Debbie Harry who talks about writing music, the media's focus on her appearance and the lyrical content inspired by ex-boyfriends. That's followed at 10:00 by highlights of the band's properly triumphant appearance at this years Glastonbury Festival introduced by yer actual Mark Radcliffe.

In Fifty Ways To Kill Your Mammy 10:00 Sky 1 - Irish daredevil presenter Baz Ashmawy and his seventy one-year-old mother Nancy embark on the trip of a lifetime and attempt to complete every item on an extreme bucket list he has created for her. You've probably seen the - really annoying - trailers being shown about every five minutes on a Sky channel for the last month. Their first stop in Las Vegas sees Nancy challenged to drive a classic muscle car, before they receive weapons training and head out on the road with some real-life bounty hunters looking for a fugitive. Later, the duo visit a casino where Baz challenges his mother to bet a week's pension on a roulette table. They then move back to LA for a lesson in stunt driving, before celebrating Nancy's birthday with a skydive.

Which brings us to the news.
Police say 'a number of people' have 'provided information' after a Berkshire property belonging to Sir Cliff Richard was searched in relation to an alleged historical sex offence. South Yorkshire Police, which carried out the search in Sunningdale on Thursday, did not say what this information related to or whom the people who provided it were. Police said that the allegation involved a boy under sixteen. Sir Cliff his very self has said that the allegation is 'completely false.' In a statement issued on Thursday, he said: 'For many months I have been aware of allegations against me of historic impropriety which have been circulating online. The allegations are completely false. Up until now I have chosen not to dignify the false allegations with a response, as it would just give them more oxygen.' He said that he would 'co-operate fully' if the police wanted to speak to him. Which is big of him since, one imagines, if the poliss do want to speak to him, he'll have no choice but to co-operate. The BBC News website say that it 'understands' the allegation relates to an alleged assault at an event featuring US preacher Billy Graham at Bramall Lane in Sheffield in 1985. In a statement, South Yorkshire Police said it that had not alerted the media to the search in advance. It said: 'When a media outlet contacted SYP with information about an investigation, we took the decision to work with them in order to protect the integrity of that investigation. Since the search took place, a number of people have contacted the police to provide information and we must acknowledge that the media played a part in that, for which we are grateful.; In his statement, Sir Cliff said the police had searched his home 'without notice, except it would appear to the press.' Earlier, Jonathan Munro, the BBC's head of newsgathering, wrote on Twitter that South Yorkshire Police had not been the source of the story. Which of course, begs the next obvious question, if the fuzz didn't snitch Cliff up to the tabloids like a dirty, stinking Copper's Nark then who, exactly, did? And why? Meanwhile, here's how the Daily Telegraph reported Cliff Richard's statement after the police raid on his gaff.
Which, it should be noted in the interests of accurate reportage is not what Cliff actually said or, indeed, anything even remotely like it.

Yer actual Sir Paul McCartney has played to a crowd of fifty five thousand punters at San Francisco's Candlestick Park. Behind him was projected an image of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might have heard of them) playing at the same venue in 1966 at what proved to be their final concert to paying punters. Candlestick Park - former home of the San Francisco 49ers - has been earmarked for demotion later this year.
For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self is still in something of a Northern Soul mood this week - recalling more than a few jolly, pilled-up all-night parties in the 1980-81 period. So, here's a twenty four carat stomper from yer actual Dobie Grey.

Yer actual Peter Capaldi is, and has been, for many years, a massive fan of Doctor Who. You probably knew that already, dear blog reader - letters to the Radio Times as a fifteen year old, articles in fanzines et cetera. Anyway, the Oscar winner's passion for the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama is not only well documented, it was obvious from the moment when, on set in Cardiff, he started to speak about the upcoming series to a group of journalists. His love of the show as a youngling is a trivia nugget which the media has seized upon ever since he was first unveiled as The Doctor in August 2013. 'It was weird but wonderful. It wasn't what I signed up for!' Capaldi told a group of journalists on the subject of making his début live on television in front of a studio audience - and over six million viewers watching at home. 'I agreed to be [The] Doctor and they immediately said, "We're going to launch it live on television" - I thought it was going to be like Stars In Their Eyes; "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Doctor Who!"' Twelve months later and Capaldi has now shot his first series as The Doctor - a feature-length opener followed by eleven more episodes - but he insists that the stars haven't faded from his eyes just yet. 'I'm constantly amazed that it's me,' he admits. 'I wake up in the morning and I go, "I'm [The] Doctor - how did that happen?" - it's a huge privilege and hugely exciting. I remember when I first came on the TARDIS, I had to be very patient, because there were always very nice prop guys telling me how to work the TARDIS - I was like, "I know how to work it - I've known for a very long time how to work the TARDIS!"' Like any fan, Peter loves the resurgence of elements from Doctor Who's history. With both The Daleks and The Cybermen reappearing this year, he promised that his first twelve episodes will deliver many 'spine-tingling' moments. 'I think the great thing about Doctor Who is that its past is always present,' he says. 'No matter how modern and how different it thinks it is, there's always a moment when the past appears and when you get those moments right, it's very exciting!' Aged five when Doctor Who launched in November 1963, the series and its icons have been a part of Peter's life for as long as he can remember - even if he admits to straying from the show during his teenage years. 'You reach seventeen or eighteen and you start to get into sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll,' he noted. 'But I grew up in the 1960s, so I grew up with Doctor Who and The Beatles and Sunday Night At The London Palladium and school milk and bronchitis. It's part of my DNA.' The actor reiterates the buzzwords that Doctor Who fans have become familiar with since August last year. This is a darker Doctor - 'a slightly more mysterious figure' - and in case you haven't heard, flirting is off the table, at least with Jenna Coleman's Clara. 'He struggles to find himself, he struggles through all this wreckage,' Capaldi says. 'There are some tips of some icebergs that we see - which I can't really reveal too much about. Of the recent Doctors' perceived penchant for flirting with his companions, he adds: 'We don't do that, which is absolutely appropriate - but we have this other thing, which I really like. It's a strange, weird relationship, but because Jenna's so wonderful, I think we've found something that works.' Despite all the cosmetic changes, Peter insists that his Doctor is, at his heart(s), very much part of the same show that he watched and adored in the past. 'It's unmistakably Doctor Who - you wouldn't turn it on and think it was anything else,' he promises. 'The things I've always loved are still there. It's that relationship between the domestic and the fantastical, the dark and the light. It's the sense that there's a bridge. That a hand can be extended and you can step from the Earth - from the supermarket car park - to the Andromeda nebula or wherever.' As a fan himself then, is Peter at all nervous about how he'll be received by the hardcore when his first episode, Deep Breath, goes out on Saturday night? 'You do your best,' he says. 'I don't know whether everyone else will like it or not. It goes out in the world and then we'll see what happens. The nice thing about Doctor Who is, you know that somewhere, somebody loves you and will always love you. I'll be their Doctor.'
Meanwhile, Peter Capaldi his very self has revealed that among his deadliest foes are tight budgets, BBC politics and the paparazzi. At least, that's the way the Gruniad Morning Star chose to spin his comments. Peter told Radio Times that he wanted to bring back some of The Doctor's 'mystery and strangeness', which he said was hard in a fifty-year-old show, with an approach that was 'serious, but still quite comic', a 'more grown up Doctor' who was 'still mirthful. I don't know if it's quite fallen into place yet,' Capaldi said. 'I'm trying all the time to see what works and what doesn't work. Doctor Who is a very intense working experience because, like most things at the BBC, there's not quite enough money and money is time and there's really not quite enough time to do it, so you are always on the hoof, pedalling as fast as you can.' One of the BBC's most expensive shows – as well as one of its most money-spinning – Steven Moffat, has talked about how 'extraordinarily difficult' it was to make its feature length fiftieth anniversary special on an hour-long budget last year. Peter, the oldest-ever Doctor at fifty six, said he had been given advice about his new role by his predecessors, Matt Smith and David Tennant. Asked what they had told him, Capaldi said: 'Sometimes you're in the middle of a big production that has a lot of BBC politics and administration at work and it's a big commercial vehicle. But you're an actor and sometimes have to compare notes to see how the others might have felt about the things I am going through or am being asked to do. It's good to be able to chat to people who have been in the same situation.' Peter said he had 'a big talk' with his wife, the TV producer Elaine Collins, before accepting the role. 'David and Matt made clear to me that there are things that will change, that you have to be prepared for, like your visibility,' he said. 'I was happy walking down the street doing what I want to do without having paparazzi there. We agreed there'd be pluses and minuses but so much of it was unknown.' The much-anticipated new series will see The Doctor join forces with Robin Hood in an episode written by Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss. In another episode, The Doctor and his assistant Clara are miniaturised so they can go inside a Dalek that is 'so damaged it has become good', said Moffat. Peter said he was 'shocked' when he first entered the TARDIS to find 'it was just like a wardrobe, like something your dad had made. And there was a prop bloke and a smoke machine. When I had to step out of it, it was quite nerve-racking, but delightful as well.' The latest edition of the Radio Times continues the tradition of a Doctor Who cover for the new series, with Peter gracing the front as the magazine introduces readers to a new series and a new Doctor. Inside there is a new exclusive interview and cover short with Peter, plus a guide to all twelve of the episodes from Steven Moffat. The issue also advertises itself as 'a Blippar special' and includes additional Doctor Who content. If you have a mobile phone or an iPad. Of course, if you haven't got either of those things - like this blogger - then all of this is a bit frigging pointless, really.
Jenna Coleman her very self has described her Doctor Who role as a 'consuming' but a once in a lifetime opportunity. In an interview with the Independent Jenna admitted that although the job involves a demanding schedule, she knows it is something that will only happen once in her career. 'When I'm here in Cardiff, it's me and Peter, all day, every day,' she said. 'It's one of those jobs that will only happen once - the whole adventure that it brings. The key is not to worry about the future, and enjoy it.' She added: 'You keep having these out-of-body experiences, like finding yourself chatting to aliens.' Jenna said it was going to be hard for her to get back to normality after filming the popular long-running family SF drama series, especially after touring the world alongside Capaldi as part of promotions for the return of Doctor Who. 'It's going to be a proper shock to the system,' she said. 'We've been living in this mythical world for seven months - chasing things and green screens and aliens - and now we're going to go out into the real world.' The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has recently confirmed that Coleman will appear as Clara in the Doctor Who Christmas Special. The Daily Mirra, quoting an anonymous - and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - alleged 'source', have claimed that Jenna will then be leaving the TARDIS. Which may be true but I'd advise all dear blog readers to wait for confirmation for an organ of the media considerably more trustworthy than the Mirra. Jenna also described her new Doctor Who co-star yer actual Peter Capaldi as the opposite of his predecessor Matt Smith, saying that the two portrayals of The Doctor are completely different. 'I always thought Matt was so young-looking but had this older, wiser quality about him, whereas Peter is almost the opposite. Somehow he has this energy that is younger. Visually, obviously, it is very different.' The actress also revealed that her character finds it very hard to figure out the new Doctor, which results in 'a turbulent relationship' between the pair, initially. 'He brings out the control freak in Clara because she can't quite pin him down. It's always an interesting dynamic with The Doctor, anyway; one moment he's your friend, and in another moment he's this weird alien and in another moment he's being this annoying kind of toddler and you're the adult, and in the next moment he's playing the wise old grandfather.'

All of the episode titles for series eight of Doctor Who have been announced. Five days before the launch of the latest run, the titles were confirmed on The full episode details are as follows: Deep Breath written by Steven Moffat, directed by Ben Wheatley, Into The Dalek written by Phil Ford and Steven Moffat, directed by Ben Wheatley, Robot Of Sherwood written by Mark Gatiss, directed by Paul Murphy, Listen written by Steven Moffat, the official BBC website. directed by Douglas Mackinnon, Time Heist written by Stephen Thompson and Steven Moffat, directed by Douglas Mackinnon, The Caretaker written by Gareth Roberts and Steven Moffat, directed by Paul Murphy, Kill The Moon written by Peter Harness, directed by Paul Wilmshurst, Mummy On The Orient Express written by Jamie Mathieson, directed by Paul Wilmshurst, Flatline written by Jamie Mathieson, directed by Douglas Mackinnon, In The Forest Of The Night written by Frank Cottrell Boyce, directed by Sheree Folkson, Dark Water written by Steven Moffat, directed by Rachel Talalay and Death In Heaven written by Steven Moffat, directed by Rachel Talalay.

New pictures from the Doctor Who series eight opener have been revealed this week. Here are but two of them.
Chris Addison is to appear in the upcoming eighth series of Doctor Who. The comedian previously appeared alongside Peter Capaldi in Armando Iannucci's political comedy The Thick Of It and the big-screen adaptation In the Loop. Addison - who was briefly tipped as a possible contender to play The Doctor last year (albeit, not by anybody that actually knew what the frig they were talking about) - will star in the two-part series finale Dark Water and Death in Heaven. Speaking to Radio Times, the Mock The Week regular said: '"Would you like to be in Doctor Who?" is the easiest question I've ever been asked. It's a thirty five-year dream come true - seven-year old me would be going off his nut and I'm not far behind. It's a great way to spend a couple of weeks, working with people I've always wanted to work with on a show I've loved all my life. My bucket list is quite a lot shorter now.'

To some overnight ratings now, dear blog reader. Celebrity Big Brother was down on its last two launch shows on Monday evening, overnight data reveals. Channel Five's latest desperate z-list celebrity Victorian freak fiasco opened with an average rating of 2.24 million at 9.05pm. This is down on January's launch show overnight ratings of 3.18m and on last summer's opener figures of 2.66m. On BBC1, a repeat of Miranda had an audience of 2.49m at 8.30pm. New Tricks returned for a new - eleventh - series with 5.79m at 9pm, down nearly two million overnight viewers from its last series opener. BBC2's University Challenge had an audience of 2.55m at 8pm, while Food & Drink gathered 1.68m at 8.30pm. Michael Mosley's latest Horizon special interested 1.83m at 9pm. On ITV, Tonight: The Food We Eat appealed to 2.81m at 8pm. The latest episode of Long Lost Family was seen by 3.47m at 9pm. Channel Four's Food Unwrapped attracted 1.03m at 8.30pm, followed by Royal Marines Commando School with 1.44m at 9pm and My Online Bride with seven hundred and twenty six thousand punters at 10pm. Earlier on Channel Five, Police Interceptors brought in 1.05m at 8pm. E4's The One Hundred was watched by six hundred and ninety one thousand viewers at 9pm.

On BBC1, Antiques Roadshow was watched by 4.20 million at 7pm, while Countryfile topped Sunday night's overnight ratings with 5.12m at 8pm. The Village continued with 3.92m (18.3%) at 9pm, dropping around seven hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's series opener. Match of the Day 2 scored 2.39m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Tropic of Capricorn appealed to 1.23m at 7pm, followed by Dragons' Den with 2.65m at 8pm. James May's Cars Of The People brought in 2.60m at 9pm. On ITV, Come on Down: The Game Show Story was watched by 2.28m at 7pm. The Zoo had an audience of 2.15m at 8pm and The Great War attracted 1.44m at 9pm. Channel Four's The Mill was seen by 1.33m at 8pm, followed by Richard III: New Evidence with 1.45m% at 9pm. On Channel Five, World's Scariest Animals gathered seven hundred and five thousand at 8pm, while Jason Statham's Safe was watched by 1.75m at 9pm. On BBC3, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade attracted 1.30m at 7pm. Family Guy had an audience of 1.02m at 10pm.

BBC1's risible pile of rotten old pommel-horse shatTumble grew its overnight audience on its debut on Saturday night. The z-list 'celebrity' gymnastics show was watched by an average of 3.30m across its ninety, thoroughly wretched, minute time slot, a small increase on the 3.16m who watched the first episode. The episode, which saw Andrea McLean become the first celebrity (and I use that word quite wrongly) to be eliminated, peaked with 4.13m. However, a Mrs Brown's Boys repeat won the day with its 4.80m average audience share. Sandwiched between the two, The National Lottery: Break The Safe secured an average audience of 3.44m between 8pm and 9pm. On ITV, the Ben Shephard-fronted game show Tipping Point: Lucky Stars, showing a week-on-week increase with 3.06m in its hour-long slot from 7.45pm. It was followed by All Star Family Fortunes which was watched by 2.76m. Earlier in the evening, You've Been Framed and Famous! attracted 2.32m. BBC2's coverage of the European Athletics Championships from 4.30pm to 5.15pm had an audience of 1.72m, while Dad's Army attracted 1.25m from 7.45 to 8.15pm. Meanwhile, Channel Five's coverage of day two of the Fifth Test, as England took control against a very poor India, secured nine hundred and seventeen thousand viewers. On the multichannels, Sky Sports 1 was watched by 1.13m between 4.45pm and 8pm, for the Premier League's return with The Arse versus Crystal Palace.

Here's the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty programmes, week-ending Sunday 10 August 2014:-
1 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 8.51m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.91m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.92m
4 Emmerdale - Tues ITV - 5.97m
5 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.70m
6 The Village - Sun BBC1 - 5.26m
7 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 5.23m
8 In The Club - Tues BBC1 - 5.07m
9 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.98m
10 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.93m
11 Six O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 4.63m
12 Long Lost Family - Mon ITV - 4.44m*
13 Ten O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.43m
14 Mrs Brown's Boys - Sat BBC1 - 4.40m
15 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 4.32m
16 Operation Wild - Wed BBC1 - 4.14m
17 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 3.98m
18 Fake Britain - Tues BBC1 - 3.78m
19 Tumble - Sat BBC1 - 3.44m
20 Scrappers - Thurs BBC1 - 3.40m
Programmes marked '*' do include include HD figures. BBC2's highest rated programmes of the week was James May's Cars Of The People (2.79m), followed by and The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice (2.56m), Dragons' Den (2.52m) and Word War One Remembered From Westminster Abbey (2.46m). Channel Four's highest-rated show was Royal Marines Commando School with 2.44m followed by One Born Every Minutes (1.88m). CSI: Crime Scene Information was Channel Five's best performer with 1.90m. On BBC4, Inspector Montalbano led the way with seven hundred and ninety six thousand viewers. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's best performer with 1.05m. Family Guy on BBC3 was the most watched show on multchannels with 1.43.

Sheridan Smith stars as Cilla Black in the forthcoming ITV biopic Cilla about the singer and the first publicity photos of the actress's transformation have been released.
Ofcom is reported to be investigating Monty Python's final show after complaints over a lack of swearing. The farewell performance, which was broadcast live on Gold before the watershed on 20 July, received a total of thirty four complaints about 'cuts' and 'censorship', reports Press Association. An Ofcom spokesman said: 'All our licensees are required to comply with our broadcasting rules, which make clear that the most offensive language cannot be shown on television before the watershed. As a post-transmission regulator, we are not involved in editorial decision making and can only investigate programmes or take action against any channel after a programme is broadcast.' The live broadcast brought in record ratings for Gold when it aired, with an average audience of five hundred and ninety seven thousand viewers. Gold - which is part owned by BBC Worldwide, the BBC's commercial subsidiary - screened an uncensored version of the show two days later, after the watershed.
Miranda Hart has downplayed rumours that she will host a rebooted version of The Generation Game for the BBC. The classic game show, which has previously been presented by the likes of Sir Bruce Forsyth, Larry Grayson and (wretchedly) Jim Davidson, was reported earlier this week to be returning next year for the first time since 2002. Hart was rumoured to be 'in talks' for the role earlier this year and appeared on a one-off special of the show for Comic Relief in 2011. BBC1 Controller Charlotte Moore told the Gruniad Morning Star: 'It will be a modern reinvention of The Generation Game. Miranda will bring a very different flavour to it. Her wit and spirit behind it will naturally move it into the modern era. Miranda is brilliant at engaging with people, she loves that interaction. She'll be brilliant.' All of which appeared to suggest that Hart was signed up and total under contract. Moore added: 'I promise you it won't be predictable. It will feel absolutely rooted in the present day. Television is always reinventing things, every show has a great-grandparent that existed once. We all swim in the same pond.' However, Hart quickly downplayed the suggestions later on Twitter, writing: 'Apparently it's one hundred per cent cert I am doing Gen Game [sic]. First, I've heard of it. Mulling some ideas about it might be more accurate.' Moore also revealed in her interview that the former comedian Harry Hill - who used to be funny - has signed up for his first BBC show and expressed her admiration for Peter Capaldi's Doctor, who she described as 'utterly convincing. He's very witty but he's got this depth and intensity, the wisdom of years of time travel,' she added. 'BBC1 is all about cherishing these much-loved programmes and making sure they feel modern and in touch with the audience, and right at the top of their game. Sherlock has become part of the BBC1 story but when it began it was hugely risk-taking.'

Happy Valley has been renewed for a second series by the BBC. Sally Wainwright's popular drama series will return for a second run in 2015, with production beginning earlier in the year. The first series starred Sarah Lancashire as police sergeant Catherine Cawood, who crosses paths with former prisoner Tommy Lee Royce (played by James Norton), whom she believes is responsible for the death of her daughter. The six-part drama was a ratings winner for BBC1, attracting a consolidated audience of nearly eight million viewers over its six week run. The fact that it was pretty good helped. Executive producer Nicola Shindler said of the new series: 'Sally created a truly magnificent series with very real, complex characters, an engaging plot and breathtaking storyline. I am delighted that we will be able to delve deeper into Catherine's world in series two.' Charlotte Moore added: 'Sally Wainwright's sensational series gripped the nation. Visceral, emotional and provocative from beginning to end, it was fantastic to see our audience on tenterhooks, begging for more. The series is testimony to the creative ambition, quality and breadth of original British drama on BBC1 and I can't wait for the second series to return.' Wainwright is currently developing a third series of BBC1's Last Tango In Halifax.

The Wrong Mans is to return for a Christmas special later this year. And this blogger uses the word 'special' quite wrongly.

BBC2 has announced the production of a new drama Life In Squares, which focuses on the revolutionary Bloomsbury Group, a collection of artistic friends in the early 1900s who profoundly influenced Twentieth Century culture. The group included sisters Vanessa Bell and Virginia Woolf. The cast is led by Phoebe Fox and Lydia Leonard and also features James Norton, Sam Hoare and Ben Lloyd-Hughes. Edmund Kingsley and Ed Birch also star. Established actors appearing in the series include Eve Best, Catherine McCormack, Rupert Penry-Jones, Jack Davenport, Elliot Cowan and Andrew Havill. The drama documents the fraught relationship between Vanessa and Virginia and Vanessa's sexual alliance with gay artist Duncan Grant, following them and their group of friends through love, sex and artistic life in the early Twentieth Century. Each of the group wants to escape the confinement of Victorian England and pursue a life of creative freedom, in a lifestyle in which they 'lived in squares, painted in circles and loved in triangles'. The story of their early years is told alongside the later lives of Vanessa and Virginia as they struggle to reconcile marriage, motherhood and success with loss, betrayal and mental anguish. Sounds cracking. Life In Squares is written by BAFTA-winning writer Amanda Coe and produced by Ecosse Films in association with Tiger Aspect. Executive Producer Lucy Bedford said: 'Life In Squares gets under the skin of the Bloomsbury group to lay bare the very human and emotional story of a group of people determined to find their own path in life. Locked in a perpetual struggle to reconcile their heads with their hearts, they loved and worked with great passion and forged lives that still resonate today. At heart, Life In Squares is about family; about the families we try to escape, the ones we end up creating and the different kinds of damage love can do.' Lucy Richer, Commissioning Editor for BBC Independent Drama, said: 'We are delighted to have assembled a magnificent team both on and off screen to make Life In Squares. The combination of Amanda Coe's stunning scripts, director Simon Kaijser and our talented cast will bring to life this extraordinary era in a unique, fresh and exciting way.' Filming has now begun in London and at Charleston Farmhouse in East Sussex.

Joanna Vanderham has been cast in BBC1's The Go-Between, which will form part of its season of classic Twentieth Century literature. Vanderham, who has appeared in The Paradise, Dancing On The Edge and Banished, will play Marian Maudsley in the film. She will be joined by Stephen Campbell Moore as Trimingham, Ben Batt as Ted Burgess and the great Lesley Manville as Mrs Maudsley. Jack Hollington will play Leo Colston, the young protagonist of the ninety-minute adaptation of LP Hartley's novel. The Go-Between follows Colston as an elderly man as he pieces together his childhood memories. He does this with the help of his diary from 1900, which he wrote at the age of thirteen. The film paints a picture of British life and social hierarchy at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. Vanderham said of her role: 'I am so excited to have been asked to play Marian Maudsley in the BBC's new adaptation of this classic novel. I hope to bring the spirit of LP Hartley's iconic and wonderful story to life on screen along with the fantastic cast lined up for The Go-Between.' Executive producer Adrian Hodges said: 'It's always an exciting challenge for a writer to adapt a truly great novel and it's been my privilege to work on our new television version of Hartley's wonderful book. I'm thrilled with director Pete Travis's vision for the film and with the fresh and exciting cast we've assembled to realise that vision. I can't wait to see Joanna, Ben, Stephen and Lesley, along with the rest of our remarkable cast, bring these nuanced and delicately drawn characters to life and bring this moving story to the attention of a whole new generation of TV viewers. I feel very lucky to be part of such a beautiful and thrilling project.'The Go-Between is directed by BAFTA Award winner Pete Travis, produced by Claire Bennett and executive produced by Sue Hogg and Adrian Hodges. Filming is due to commence shortly and is scheduled to be shown in 2015. BBC1's season of classic Twentieth Century literature aims to explore the enormous changes in how men and women lived in the last century by looking at individual stories. Other films will include Jed Mercurio's adaptation of DH Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover, Ben Vanstone's adaptation of Laurie Lee's novel Cider With Rosie and JB Priestley's play, An Inspector Calls.

Richard Osman has admitted that he expected Pointless to 'disappear' after one series. Osman, who has worked behind the scenes in television quiz shows for twenty years, will appear solo in BBC2's new quiz show Two Tribes from this week. However, he told the Digital Spy website that 'you never know' whether a new programme will take off or not. 'The only show I was certain was going to be a hit from our pilot onwards was Deal Or No Deal, I knew that was going to be a hit,' he said. 'I just thought, "There's no way this show is not going to do well." And apart from that you honestly can't tell. I thought Pointless would do its first series, thirty episodes, and then disappear. I thought it was quite unwieldy and complicated and who's going to get it?' Osman added about Two Tribes: 'My assumption would be it will fail because statistically most things do fail, but I would not have a clue. I liked it, I enjoyed it, but I've made shows before as a producer that I've liked and enjoyed that have done nothing, so it's meaningless.' Osman, who praised the new show's format and described it as 'clever and simple and engaging', admitted that it is 'scary' launching a new series rather than a reboot. 'Honestly the scariest thing is that you just don't know, and anyone who says that they do know is a liar,' he said. 'You put all of your heart in something, all of your soul into it, all of your effort into it, everyone tries their best, you get the best people you can, you do everything you can and then you just have to let it sail away and see if people watch it. That's scary. At least if you're relaunching Fifteen To One you can kind of go, "Well, it's not my format, if people don't watch it it's not my fault."'Osman expressed regret about the fate of Channel Four show Number One, hosted by Krishnan Guru-Murthy - 'I just think, "Oh, that was such a clever little show with a lot of clever little things in it"' - but he explained that sometimes the failure of certain shows can help future projects. 'We did a show with Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor called Beat The Nation, which was a perfectly neat show and again just didn't fly,' he said. 'But, actually, the scoring system we never forgot and recycled it and that's what Pointless is really. That was a show where you'd asked every question to one hundred people and all that kind of business, so even with some of the things that don't fly you tend to recycle the bits that you loved.' Osman also explained that sometimes he can predict a show's fate, saying: 'Sometimes you know when a show goes out that it's not going to work because it was difficult. When you were producing it, it wasn't quite right and the money wasn't right and you and the channel thought it was going to be something slightly different so there's a compromise and you can't get the right host. So, sometimes you know when a show goes out that you're sort of doomed and you know why. And again, it's no-one's fault, it's just one of those things. But mostly when you have a show you think, "Who knows?" And that's the case with Two Tribes - I'm proud of it and that's all you can ask for really.'
The BBC's news coverage of the police raid on Sir Cliff Richard's home was approved by the deputy news director and came amid increased pressure in its news operation to beat rivals to exclusive stories. The decision by BBC News to film and broadcast the search of the singer's home live from a helicopter flying above his Berkshire residence prompted accusations of a 'witch-hunt' - albeit, only by the Gruniad Morning Star so, frankly, not anybody that actually matters - and comparisons with the worst tabloid excesses. James Harding, the former Times editor who is the BBC's director of news and current affairs, was on holiday last week. Harding's deputy, Fran Unsworth, and members of the BBC's legal department reportedly contacted news teams to give the reports about Cliff the all-clear ten minutes before its coverage broke across TV, radio and online at 1pm last Thursday. According to the Gruniad, alleged 'insiders' said that the BBC's coverage reflected a drive by senior management to break more stories after BBC News found itself outgunned by ITV News, with its award-winning coverage of the Woolwich attack, and Channel Four News, which won acclaim for its Plebgate coverage. Harding has, the Gruniad claim, 'made clear' since taking charge of BBC News that it should be breaking more stories, setting the pace and 'driving the daily agenda.' Alleged 'BBC insiders' allegedly said that there was pressure on the corporation's domestic newsgathering to 'up its game', while its foreign operations were generally regarded as doing a good job. There was praise for BBC reporter Dan Johnson, who covers the North-East and Cumbria, who got the Richard scoop, but also alleged 'reservations' among some alleged 'insiders' that the live helicopter footage had been over the top. 'If one of the country's most famous recording artists has his property searched, then that has to be a story, but when you look at the level of detail of the coverage, it can look a bit insensitive,' one anonymous coward is quoted as allegedly saying by the Gruniad. A BBC spokeswoman said that the BBC had 'followed normal journalistic practice and agreed not to publish a story that might jeopardise a police inquiry. We have also confirmed that South Yorkshire police were not the original source for the story. The BBC has now received a letter from South Yorkshire Police regarding the situation and will respond in due course.' South Yorkshire police complained to the BBC, accusing it of breaking its own editorial guidelines after it found out about the police raid. Neither the BBC, which received the police complaint on Sunday, nor South Yorkshire police would comment on its content, but it is believed a focus of the complaint is the amount of time it took the corporation to confirm that details about the raid were not leaked by the force. Jonathan Munro, the former ITV executive hired by Harding as the BBC’s head of newsgathering, said on Twitter on Friday that there had been 'lots of [questions] re: original source of BBC News story on Cliff Richard. We won't say who, but can confirm it was not South Yorks Police.' Munro later retweeted comments by Lord Sugar: 'Can't see why police complaining about BBC over Cliff Richards [sic]. If the Sun tumbled on the story of the investigation, they would have run it.' Harding, who has taken a hands-on approach to the job he took on a year ago, has struck a very different tone to the BBC's former head of journalism Mark Byford in encouraging his journalists to be more aggressive in breaking stories. As its acting Director General in the wake of The Hutton Report in early 2004, Byford said the corporation should not be in the business of 'creating' news or competing with newspapers on exclusives.

Sky News is to be investigated by the media regulator for broadcasting images of one of its presenters handling a passenger’s belongings at the Malaysia Airlines MH17 crash site. Ofcom received more than two hundred complaints after Sky News presenter Colin Brazier was shown picking through an open suitcase in a live broadcast from the crash site in Eastern Ukraine in July. The broadcaster was heavily criticised online and subsequently issued a grovelling apology. Brazier also issued a lengthy explanation of the context to his 'error of judgement' which, frankly, amount to don't cane me, miss, I was led astray by older boys. 'Ofcom received over two hundred complaints about this news report,' said an Ofcom spokesman. 'Having assessed these, there are grounds to investigate under our rule on potentially offensive material. As in all investigations, we will take relevant circumstances into account, including any action taken by the broadcaster, in reaching a decision.'
A Metropolitan police officer has been extremely jailed for twelve months for selling information to the Sun, it can be revealed for the first time. Thomas Ridgeway passed on two stories to the tabloid, one about an actor who tried to kill himself and another about alleged sexual activity by police officers at a pub, the Old Bailey heard. He pleaded guilty earlier this year but his crime and his sentencing in May could not be reported before now for legal reasons. His mother, Sandra Ridgeway, was sentenced to eighteen weeks in prison, suspended for six months, after pleading guilty on Monday to one count of aiding and abetting her son in his criminal misconduct. Prosecutor Stuart Biggs said that in Sandra Ridgeway's police interview she said that she had asked her son whether he should be doing this, to which he replied: 'Fine, police officers often sell stories.' When she pressed him on it, he told her 'Mum, trust me if anything comes from this, I would get is a slapped wrist from work.' Biggs said the story about the actor attempting to kill himself had appeared on the front page of the Sun on two consecutive days. 'It caused him to distrust those around him,' Biggs said, adding that this included the actor's friends, the police and the ambulance team, because he didn't know who had grassed the story up to the tabloid. At the Old Bailey on Monday, Sandra Ridgeway's counsel Kevin Baumber said that her son had accepted that he had 'dragged his mother' into the situation in which she now found herself by 'lying through his teeth' about the possibility that he might be committing a crime. He accepted that he had 'diluted the matter by calling it gossip' and 'abused the trust he had received' from his mother, knowing that she would do anything for him. Mr Justice Wide said that the offence warranted a custodial sentence but Sandra Ridgeway had led 'an impeccable life' and had overcome quite a number of difficulties in her life. Handing down a suspended sentence, Wide said that took her previous good character into account along with the length of time between her arrest and the hearing, noting that she was arrested in February 2013, almost seventeen months previously. It can be revealed that her son was not involved in attending the incident involving the actor, but had learned about it from colleagues. Sentencing her son in May, Judge Richard Marks QC told Ridgeway that he had betrayed the trust reposed in him by reason of his office, by providing confidential information for money. He said that 'this sort of offending' was 'far too serious to be dealt with in any other way than a sentence of immediate imprisonment.' The judge told him: 'It appears that in the aftermath of this incident, one of your colleagues said, "that will be in the Sun before long," and it was that which gave you the idea to sell the story.' He decided to involve his mother and to use her as a conduit to the paper. 'They were, not unnaturally, very interested in the story and paid your mother a total of sixteen hundred pounds, of which she gave you half.'One of the consequences of this publicity was that the individual in question, who was in a very vulnerable state of mind, became, as he put it, 'very paranoid' as to who had been responsible for the information getting into the press, the judge said. The actor also thought that the publicity and his concern surrounding it had hampered his recovery. The second offence, in July 2009, involved the Sun running stories about the alleged sexual conduct of off-duty Lambeth police officers and a police civilian employee at the Pineapple pub in Kennington. 'It appears that you learned of this as a result of gossip around the police station. You were not yourself present at the pub when these events are alleged to have occurred and, once again, you decided to pass this information to the Sun for financial gain,' said Marks. Again, Ridgeway involved his mother and as a consequence of two articles appearing in the newspaper, a total of a grand was paid for the information. Ridgeway confirmed to the newspaper the name of the civilian employee said to have been involved, as well as the fact that there was an internal police investigation. The judge said Ridgeway was of previous good character and had served with the police from September 2002. 'You have lost your career and lost your good character,' the judge told him. 'You effectively had two paymasters, as the prosecution put it – your employers, the Metropolitan police, and the Sun.' There were two aggravating features – the vulnerability of the actor and the fact that Ridgeway had involved his mother his his nefarious skulduggery. In mitigation, the judge said Ridgeway had been frank with the police and had pleaded extremely guilty straight away once he was pinched. He added: 'Nobody could fail to be impressed by the substantial amount of references with which I have been provided, and which speak about you in the highest possible terms.' He sentenced Ridgeway to twelve months on count one and three months on count two, with the sentences to be concurrent. Ridgeway's sentencing brings the number of police and other officials who have been sentenced for selling stories to newspapers to eleven.

Former Conservative MP (and plank) Louise Bagashite Mensch is fast building a reputation for a limited nuance in religious affairs - to go with her already well established reputation for being a shit-for-brain-numskull whose ability to open her mouth and put her foot in it is matched only by the literary worthlessness of her horrifying novels - after getting into a muddle during a heated Twitter exchange about Israel. The Sun columnist and wretched chick-lit author managed to offend both anti-Zionists and Zionists by claiming that she would block the founding father of Zionism from her Twitter timeline (despite the fact that he's been dead for over a hundred years). The gaffe came when this ridiculous fraction of a woman began tweeting over the weekend that she intended to mute the word 'Zionist' from her feed because it is often used to attack Jews. Zionist, of course, in the purest sense of the word, means anyone who believes that the state of Israel has a right to exist, but it has, undeniably, become a - mostly pejorative - term meaning supporting the actions of the Israeli government in many circles. Several Twitter users pointed out to Bagashite that this zero tolerance policy might mean that genuine Zionists, for whom Mensch has expressed support, would be blocked from her timeline. One Twitterer even noted that this would mean, for example, exclusion for Theodor Herzl (1860-1904), the founder of the World Zionist Organisation and a key instigator of Jewish immigration to mandate Palestine. He died more than forty years before the state of Israel was established, but is widely considered to be one of its founding fathers - particularly in Israel itself where the name of the city Tel Aviv was the title given to the Hebrew translation of Altneuland, Herzl's 1902 book. But Bagashite, who gave up her seat in parliament for a move to New York with her family, said that she had never heard of Herzl. Just to be clear about this, someone who claims to know something about Israeli society and politics who doesn't know who Theodor Herzl is, is roughly equivalent to someone who claims to know a bit about British society and politics but who thinks that Churchill is 'that dog in the insurance adverts'. Ho yes. The gaffe follows a widely tweeted image from Bagashite's feed last week, when the forty three-year-old called for a US attack on Iraq to stop Isis jihadists advancing from and threatening minority communities in which she advised President Obama to 'kill them all.' Which wouldn't have been anywhere near so bad expect that it was directly opposite Bagashite's Twitter subheading, a quote from Pope John Paul II noting 'war is always a defeat for humanity.' Bagashiote was also left somewhat red-faced in February after naming a number of 'British Muslims' whom she claimed she respected, without realising that one of them is, actually, a Sikh. Mensch was the Conservative Member of Parliament for Corby from 2010 to 2012 but resigned, citing her wish to spend more time with her family rather than, as many believed, getting out before the voters of Corby kicked her arse into the gutter along with all the other worthless shite at the next general election. Presumably, on the strength of 'Iron, Lion, Zion', the late Bob Marley is also banned from Bagashite's Twitter feed. Which is, obviously, a tragedy. She might have learned something from him.

James Alexander Gordon, one of the most recognisable voices in British broadcasting, has died aged seventy eight. Gordon read the classified football results on BBC radio for forty years before stepping down in 2013. He retired following throat surgery after he was diagnosed with cancer. Match Of The Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted: 'A voice we all know, the voice of the football results, James Alexander Gordon has died. Tottenham Hotspur 1, Newcastle United 1.' Nicknamed Jag, Gordon attracted an army of followers with his distinctive Scottish accent and unique style - which involved altering his tone of voice to indicate whether a result was a home or away win, or a draw. Richard Burgess, head of BBC Radio Sport, said: 'James was an iconic radio voice, who turned the classified football results on BBC radio into a national institution. He was also a true gentleman, who was loved and admired by his colleagues. He took enormous pride in his work and I know he was greatly touched by all the tributes he received upon his retirement last year.' Former England defender Jimmy Armfield, a Radio 5Live colleague of Gordon, was among the many football personalities to pay tribute. '5Live and the football results have lost a friend today,' Armfield told Listeners. 'I can remember before I joined and he came to the BBC that the style was more regimented. He put a different slant on to it. He went up with the voice and down with the voice. He seemed to pitch it just right. He did it all with perfect enunciation. That lovely voice, with the little trace of Scots in it, with the highs and lows. He knew when to lift it and put it down. He really was something special. People used to mark the pools coupon with the football results. James knew that. He always gave them time to find out whether it was one, two or an X for the football pools. It wasn't the same picture at all when he started out. There was no satellite broadcasting. Matches weren't shown as they are now. Everything came down the line on the radio. He was the first point of contact for who had won. James knew it all. He had it all weighed up. He was the consummate professional.' Former Liverpool and Ireland defender Mark Lawrenson, now a BBC analyst, told 5live: 'When James Alexander Gordon started, there were nothing like the same outlets. There weren't ten reporters at every game. Sometimes you had to wait until James Alexander Gordon for the definitive result.' BBC Radio 5Live's senior football reporter Ian Dennis added: 'For a generation of football lovers, James Alexander Gordon's voice was Saturday afternoon for the complete picture. You heard the theme tune for Sports Report and then you heard his voice.' Gordon's legion of followers included the comedian Eric Morecambe - on whose early-career BBC radio show Gordon had been an announcer. In a 2012 interview, Gordon said that Morecambe always greeted him with a famous tongue-twister scoreline involving Scottish sides East Fife and Forfar - one which never happened, yet became closely associated with the BBC's voice of the classified football results. 'Eric never called me James,' Gordon recalled in 2012. 'Whenever I saw him over a twenty-year period, he would say "East Fife four, Forfar five." I've got a tape of that.' When Morecambe died in 1984, Gordon received a tribute from the comedian's wife Joan. He said: 'After his funeral, his wife said there was only one thing she would like to have had - me saying "East Fife four, Forfar five." It was quite sweet.' Gordon, born in Edinburgh in 1936, contracted polio when he was six months old and spent much of his childhood in hospital. He worked in the music business before moving into radio, promoting artists such as Bert Kaempfert and James Last. In 1972, he joined the BBC, reading the news and presenting various programmes on Radio 2 - even Newsbeat on Radio 1 - before he began reading the classified football results in 1973. At the time, he was a BBC Radio 2 staff announcer, and revealed in 2012 that his chance came unexpectedly when he was summoned by his boss. 'He came in and said: "Jag, footy,"' Gordon recalled. 'I said: "I beg your pardon?" He said: "Jag, footy." I wondered what the heck he was talking about. It was the football results. I was terrified at first, but I put my heart and soul into it and have loved it ever since. Such fun getting it right. The most important thing, though, has been making it exciting for the listener.' Having been diagnosed with cancer, Gordon had surgery in 2013 to remove his larynx, which meant his voice was no longer strong enough to broadcast. He was replaced by former Radio 4 newsreader Charlotte Green. Gordon, who lived in Berkshire, is survived by his Julia, their son, David and two grandchildren, Molly and Martha.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's yet another Northern Soul masterpiece. This time, from Chuck Wood.

Don't blink. Just don't blink.
The Doctor Who World Tour has made its final stop in the Brazilian city of Rio by the Sea-o. And, to prove it we have pictures. As yer actual Keith Telly Topping's old mate Danny Blythe notes, here we see 'an eternal icon worshipped by millions of believers worldwide ... Plus a statue of some bloke out of the Bible.'
On Facebook, Andre Tessier idly wondered if that Cyberman is, actually, travelling with Peter, Jenna and The Lord Thy God Moffat as part of the tour ('hey man, I'm with the band, all right!'). Keith Telly Topping his very self reckons it's either that or he's just arrived from Mondas and is about to upgrade Jesus The Redeemer. Which would, of course, be wrong. Very wrong.
Meanwhile, another of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's old pals, Rob Francis, speculated on what the conversation was like before a recent Doctor Who photo-session. 'So Jude, just remember that when you do the Capaldi shoot for the Radio Times, be sure to get that iconic shot of The Doctor in his famous blue box.' So, they did.
And, it's probably worth reminding you all, dear blog reader, there's only ...
Which is, of course, very nice.

For anyone that missed it - so, that'll be most of you, like as not - yer actual Keith Telly Topping's piece on BBC Newcastle's The Afternoon Show with the very excellent Si Logan about the new series of Doctor Who can be heard on iPlayerhere for seven days, from 22 August: Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is on from approximately two hours fifty four minutes into the show and continues, in three chunks, over the next twenty minutes or so either side of the Three O'Clock News. And, quite entertaining it is too, in its own inconsequential way. Don't worry, Si has been informed that 'Whovian' is a completely uncceptable term to describe anyone with an ounce of dignity or self-respect about them. (I know neither of those things are the first descriptors which spring to mind when talking about TV fandom but, hey, some of us do at least try, dear blog reader.) Items discussed include Peter's shady past in the sub-Postcard band Dreamboys with Craig Ferguson, the proper pronunciation of 'Capaldi', Smudger's long face(!), 'it's not a children's show, right!', the merits of the last season of Sherlock, British TV's first lesbian kiss and its relationship to the new series and whether the sonic screwdriver is better than K9 (it is). And, most importantly, whether drinking wine on your own in your gaff is beyond sad or otherwise. This was a public service announcement. With guitars.

The new digital issue Radio Times, available iOS on Apple's Newsstand, celebrates the dawn of a new Doctor with exclusive additional Doctor Who content, including a digital reproduction of the Doctor Who tenth anniversary Radio Times special. The sixty eight page supplement was first published in 1973 and inspired the then fifteen year old Peter Capaldi to write to Radio Times in praise of the special edition. The letter was published in a subsequent edition. The tenth anniversary supplement features the third Doctor (yer actual Jon Pertwee) on the cover and includes episode guides for the first ten years, a guide to build your own Dalek and a (then) new Dalek story by the (now) late Terry Nation.
The Radio Times digital special also features a unique animated Doctor Who cover, only available with the digital edition, featuring Peter, plus a picture gallery of the new Doctor from Radio Times's previously mentioned 'exclusive' photoshoot. Features inside the new issue include an exclusive interview with Peter, another with showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and his guide to all twelve episodes of the new series, an exclusive interview with José Mourinho by the comedian, author and long-time Doctor Who fan David Baddiel plus comprehensive TV and radio listings for 23 to 29 August. Radio Times on iPad contains all the features, interviews, reviews and comprehensive TV and radio listings for one hundred and forty six channels available in the print issue, alongside additional interactive features to enhance the readers' experience. All of which is totally mad brilliant unless, like yer actual Keith Telly Topping, you don't possess the technology required to obtain this thing. In which case, frankly, it's all a bit of a irrelevance. The Radio Times digital issue is available at special summer half-price promotional rate of just ninety nine pence. Radio Times is available on the Apple Newsstand every Tuesday, for iPad and iPhone, at £1.99 per issue, £6.99 for a monthly subscription or £79.99 for an annual subscription. The digital issue is initially available on Apple devices and will be rolled out across other mobile and tablet platforms thereafter. Apparently.

There is a, properly, beautiful piece on Doctor Who in the Torygraph this week written by Frank Cottrell Boyce about what Doctor Who means to him and about how joyous he is to, finally, be getting to write for a show he's loved for so long. It begins: thus 'All beautiful art, wrote Friedrich Nietzsche, begins with gratitude. I'm grateful to Doctor Who for a long list of things – my first crush (Katy Manning who played Seventies companion Jo Grant), my first delicious experience of inconsequential fear (The Cybermen), the way in which it made my family feel a bit better after not winning the Pools on Saturday night. The first piece of electronic music I ever heard was Delia Derbyshire's eerie, indelible arrangement of the theme tune. I'm willing to bet it was the first piece of electronic music that Brian Eno or David Bowie or the members of 808 State heard, too. So it may be that we have The Doctor to thank for ambient, house and electropop. Definitely I have to thank him for one of my best ever days out. When I was asked to write an episode for the latest series of Doctor Who, the only question I asked was: "Do I get to take my kids in the TARDIS?""Yes. Now with regard to ...""I'll do it.""And that," says the producer, Brian Minchin, "is how that conversation always goes."' It's all as wonderfully written as that, dear blog reader, but this blogger particular enjoyed the following bit: 'If anything ever began afresh, it was this show. Dropped from the schedules in 1989 by Jonathan Powell, then controller of BBC1, the flame was kept alive by enthusiasts, writing books and audio scripts and holding conventions. These were Space Jacobites dreaming of the return of the king. In science fiction the relationship between the audience and the writer is blurred. Fans are part of the process. I think the series' secret power is that the show runners and major writers were all fans first. Russell T Davies, who brought the show blazing back to life in 2005, wrote a novel for the Virgin New Adventures series (original stories about The Doctor which were published when the show was off-air) as did most of the series' best writers – Paul Cornell, Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat. That's why it has none of the contempt for the original material that you feel, for example, in the recent Star Trek movies. In an age of irony, Doctor Who means every word. For all its intelligence, it is never smart-alec ... There's an old Italian saying – the tale is not beautiful until you add to it. The truth about Doctor Who is that over the years we have all added to it. It belongs to all of us. And now it's time to add my bit and if I say nothing else I'll say thank you.' Yes. That.
Tourists visiting London's Parliament Square got more than they bargained for on Friday morning, as the TARDIS crashlanded in front of Big Ben. Yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self posed in front of the TARDIS to promote the new series of Doctor Who. The TARDIS was made to look as if it had risen from the ground in the Square, surrounded by rubble and dinosaur bones. Tasty!
The BBC has announced Doctor Who Extra - a brand new series, exclusively on BBC iPlayer. Essentially, an online version of Doctor Who Confidential, Doctor Who Extra will follow yer actual Peter Capaldi every step of the way throughout the creation of his first season as The Doctor. Over the course of twelve programmes it will trace the highs and lows of Doctor Who's most ambitious run of episodes yet, getting the inside take on series eight from the people who made it. The Doctor Who Extra team had unparalleled access to stars including Peter, Jenna Coleman and Sam Anderson plus guests Frank Skinner, Keeley Hawes, Michelle Gomez, Ben Miller and Foxes. Writers, such Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) and directors also contribute as they reveal the on and off-screen drama. Doctor Who Extra is described as 'essential viewing for everyone who's ever watched Doctor Who and wondered what it's a like to be a part of the team that brings this global phenomena to our screens.' So, that's most of fandom, basically. Doctor Who Extra is produced by BBC Cymru Wales and executive produced by The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, Brian Minchin and Jo Pearce. Each ten minute Doctor Who Extra episode will be available online after that week's Doctor Who episode has been broadcast on BBC1. It will also be available via the BBC's Red Button.

Jenna Coleman her very self remained somewhat coy about rumours - started by that bastion of truthful and accurate reportage the Daily Mirra quoting and alleged, unattributed 'source' - that she's soon to be leaving Doctor Who during an appearance on This Morning on Friday. The actress said that she wouldn't confirm (or deny) rumours of her departure because she believed that the uncertainty was benefiting the show. 'The truth is, I don't want to tell you the truth,' Coleman said. 'I quite like these rumours. People don't have any idea [if I'm staying or going]. I think people can watch the show, not knowing whether I am [going] or not, and I think that's exciting.' Speaking about working with yer actual Peter Capaldi, Coleman claimed that her new leading man had 'a glimpse of naughtiness' and that the pair had been 'laughing continually' since the third day on set. During an appearance on The ONE Show on Thursday evening, when that witless jabbering waste-of-space numskull Alex Jones blurted out that wasn't it a shame Jenna was leaving, Capaldi appeared to play down rumours about his co-star's departure. 'I'm not looking for a new assistant,' he told Jones and Matt Baker. 'I don't know where these rumours have started.' This blogger does, Pete - the Daily Mirra and their anonymous and, therefore, possibly fictitious alleged 'source'. 'I've read she may be leaving at Christmas, but I don't even know if she'll get to Christmas,' Peter added. 'You'll have to watch it and see what happens.'
The new edition of Doctor Who Magazine catches up on set with Peter Capaldi for what is billed as his most extensive and revealing interview to date. The issue, which is a bumper one hundred pages, includes a giant double-sided poster featuring Capaldi on one side and a Dalek on the other. There's also extensive previews of the first four episodes of the new series – Deep Breath, Into The Dalek, Robot Of Sherwood and Listen– as DWM talks exclusively to writers Steven Moffat, Phil Ford and Mark Gatiss' The Moffat also answers readers' questions and reveals more behind-the-scenes secrets in his exclusive column. DWM is available, now, from all good newsagents (and some bad ones as well).
FOX Deutschland have announced on Facebook that they will not be able to broadcast the German dub of Deep Breath on Saturday, but will, instead, broadcast the original English language version. According to the channel this decision is due to the BBC's enhanced security after the leaks which occurred last month and which resulted in the material arriving later than usual thus making it impossible to finish the German dub on time. FOX has apologised to viewers and stated that they will make the German-dubbed episode available through On-Demand services from Sky and Kabel Deutschland 'as soon as possible.'

The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has spoken about the new Doctor Who title sequence, which was inspired by a fan's online creation. Speaking to TV Guide, The Lord Thy God Moffat said that he was 'proud' of the 'creative response' that fans have to Doctor Who, which he added is 'unique' to the popular family SF drama. He said: 'The most important thing is that [there is] an extraordinary creative response to Doctor Who that is almost unique to Doctor Who and that's all we should look at. It has turned people into actors, it has turned people into writers, it has turned people into scientists. That's an extraordinary thing. And that title sequence which I'm so proud of is a result. That's online Doctor Who. That's the real part of it, that's the real story,' he concluded. The new title sequence is inspired by a creation by Billy Hanshaw, a motion graphics designer from Leeds, which received over seven hundred thousand views and eventually found its way to Moffat.

This week's episode of the CBBC magazine programme Blue Peter will be a special programme dedicated to yer actual Peter Capaldi as the incoming Doctor and featuring the winners of last year's competition to design sonic devices for Madame Vastra, Jenny Flint and Commander Strax. The Twelfth Doctor: A Blue Peter Special - presented by Barney Harwood, Lindsey Russell and Radzi Chinyanganya - takes the three young contest winners Connor, Arthur and Amber behind the scenes of Doctor Who to see their sonic gauntlet, lorgnette and hat pin in action, where they also meet Peter. In addition, Dan Starkey, who plays Strax, talks about how he is turned into a Sontaran via prosthetics, while the make-it will be a TARDIS T-shirt. If you miss it, the episode will be repeated on Saturday at 8.20am and then again at 6.25pm as part of a range of Doctor Who-related programmes being shown on CBBC on Saturday afternoon - also comprising episodes from The Sarah Jane Adventures as well as the animated adventures The Infinite Quest and Dreamland plus the documentary Twelve Again - in the run-up to the broadcast of Deep Breath that evening. The show will also be available to licence-payers in the UK for a limited time via the BBC iPlayer.
As part of its celebration of the new series of Doctor Who, the Blue Peter website also has details about how to make Doctor Who character masks (probably not out of sticky-back plastic as it's a bugger to get off) as well as Doctor Who T-shirts and is inviting people to invent a new Doctor Who character.

Some proper lovely news now, yer actual Frazer Hines has been cast in the forthcoming television adaptation of the time-travel romance Outlander. Diana Gabaldon, the author of the Outlander novels on which the series is based, has previously stated on several occasions that she was inspired to write the series in the first place after watching an episode of Doctor Who featuring Frazer as Jamie McCrimmon (an episode of 1969's The War Games as it happens). 'I rarely watch TV, but at the time I was in the habit of viewing weekly PBS reruns of Doctor Who, because it gave me just enough time to do my nails,' Diana noted. 'While pondering the setting for my hypothetical historical novel, I happened to see one very old episode of Doctor Who featuring a companion of The Doctor's - a young Scottish lad named Jamie whom The Doctor had picked up in 1745. This character wore a kilt, which I thought rather fetching and demonstrated - in this particular episode - a form of pigheaded male gallantry that I've always found endearing: the strong urge on the part of a man to protect a woman, even though he may realise that she's plainly capable of looking after herself. I was sitting in church the next day, thinking idly about this particular show when I said suddenly to myself, "You want to write a book, you need a historical period, and it doesn't matter where or when. The important thing is just to start, somewhere. Okay. Scotland, Eighteenth Century."' Diana subsequently gave her male protagonist the first name Jamie, after the character who inspired her creation. The character's surname is Fraser although Gabaldon had always insisted that this was a complete coincidence: 'Fraser has nothing to do with Jamie's [real] last name. Owing to the local PBS station cutting off the credits in order to run pledge appeals, I didn't know the actor's name until some years later, after the first book had been written. I did send a copy to Frazer then, though, thanking him for the kilt!' Now, happily, Frazer will appear in the television series based on the books which he helped to inspire. Frazer will play the characters of Sir Gordon Fletcher, an English prison warden, in an episode which will be broadcast in the second half of the first series of Outlander (currently scheduled for early 2015). Sam Heughan has been cast as Jamie Fraser whilst other actors involved in the production - which sounds really rather good - include a whole bunch of actors with Doctor Who links; Tobias Menzies, Annette Badland, Simon Callow and Bill Paterson to name but four. Frazer himself was happy to announce his casting on his Facebook page also posting a picture of himself with Diana and Sam Heughan.

To some ratings news now: The Honourable Woman concluded with 1.6 million overnight viewers on Thursday. The Maggie Gyllenhaal-fronted BBC2 drama had an average audience share of qa fraction under eight per cent at 9pm, rising by around one hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's episode. Earlier, Young Vets brought in 1.30m at 7pm, while Russia's Lost Princesses interested 1.73m at 8pm. On BBC1, Britain's Compulsive Shoppers attracted 2.88m (14.8%) at 8pm, followed by Tamzin Outhwaite's episode of Who Do You Think You Are? with 4.33m at 9pm, which topped the night overall. Motorway Cops was seen by 1.95m at 10.35pm. ITV's Tonight special The Food We Eat proved somewhat unappetising, appealing to but 2.53m at 7.30pm, while Harbour Lives fared even worse, being seen by 2.29m at 8.30pm. Kids With Cameras gathered a mere 1.28m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Location, Location, Location continued to feature couples from the Home Counties with 'that's not a real job'-type jobs to an audience of 1.59m at 8pm, followed by an Educating Yorkshire special with 1.66m at 9pm. First Time Farmers interested five hundred and twenty seven thousand punters at 10pm. Channel Five's Prom Queen Divas UK was watched by seven hundred and eleven thousand viewers (who, presumably, couldn't believe what they were seeing. Did we really fight the war for this?) at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother fiasco with 1.62m at 9pm. Suspects continued with seven hundred and twenty six thousand at 10pm.

The Great British Bake Off climbed to a new high this series on Wednesday. The third episode of the BBC1 series gained nearly six hundred thousand overnight punters from the previous week to 7.44 million at 8pm. Earlier, Fake Britain brought in 3.08m at 7.30pm, while Operation Wild attracted 3.29m at 9pm. BBC2's Young Vets appealed to 1.08m at 7pm, followed by The Stuarts with a million viewers at 8pm. The second of Michael Mosley's - terrific - Horizon specials was seen by 1.38m at 9pm, while Some People With Jokes was watched by 1.02m at 10pm. On ITV, Trawlermen's Lives interested 2.17m at 8pm, followed by Secrets From The Asylum with 1.76m at 9pm. Channel Four's Double Your House For Half The Money gathered nine hundred and seventy four thousand at 8pm, while Undercover Boss attracted 1.34m at 9pm. The Mimic ended, to no great fanfare or, indeed, much regret, with three hundred and seven thousand at 10pm. On Channel Five, Extreme Nightmare Neighbour Next Door garnered 1.22m at 8pm. The latest desperate z-list fright show, Celebrity Big Brother continued with 1.75m at 9pm and Suspects returned for a new series with eight hundred and twenty six thousand viewers at 10pm.

The BBC1 drama In the Club topped the overnight ratings on Tuesday outside soaps. The series continued with 4.49 million viewers at 9pm. On BBC2, Young Vets interested 1.41m at 7pm, followed by Coast with 1.80m at 9pm. Super Senses: Secret Power of Animals interested 1.52m at 9pm, while Some People With Jokes spectacularly failed to amuse nine hundred and two thousand punters at 10pm. ITV's coverage of The Arse's Champions League draw with Besiktas scored 3.01m from 7.30pm. Which is a damn-sight more than either The Arse or the Turks scored given that a game ended goalless. On Channel Four, Dogs: Their Secret Lives appealed to 1.35m at 8pm, followed by Worst Place To Be A Pilot with 1.36m at 9pm. Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell kicked off with eight hundred and nine thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Dog Rescuers brought in eight hundred and sixty four thousand at 8pm, while CSI had an audience of 1.30m at 9pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 1.64m at 10pm (107k/1.2%), dropping around six hundred thousand from Monday's launch episode.

ITV has announced that Stars In Their Eyes will return. Harry Hill will host a rebooted version of the musical talent show, which originally ran from 1990 to 2006. So tonight, Matthew, I'm going to avoid that like the plague.

Dame Judi Dench and Keeley Hawes have joined Benedict Cumberbatch in BBC2's second series of The Hollow Crown. Huge Bonneville, Sally Hawkins, Sophie Okonedo and Tom Sturridge will also star in the channel's upcoming adaptations of William Shakespeare's history plays. BBC2 are working on three films as part of their second series of Shakespeare's history plays: The War of the Roses, Richard III and Henry VI, which will be broadcast in two parts. Dench will play Cecily, the Duchess of York in Richard III, which stars Benny in the, villainous, title role. His casting was announced in April.
The legendary commentator Barry Davies is making a one-off return to the BBC's Match Of The Day this weekend. Bazza his very self will commentate on managerless Crystal Palace versus the soon-to-be-managerless Hamsters on Saturday as the programme marks its half-century on-screen. Barry Davies began working in television for ITV before the 1966 World Cup and joined the BBC three years later. 'He is one of the programme's most iconic voices,' said Philip Bernie, the BBC's Head of TV Sport. Bazza, who is now seventy six, will join the regular commentary team of Guy Mowbray, Jonathan Pearce, Steve Wilson, Alistair Mann and Barry's old mate John Motson for Saturday's games. Although best known for his football commentary, Barry has covered a wide range of sports for the corporation and is a familiar face through his work at the Olympics and as the voice of The Boat Race. He last worked on Match Of The Day almost ten years ago.

The Dutch newspaper Volkskrant has grovellingly apologised after it tested its new app by publishing a story which wrongly reported the death of Johan Cruyff. The story, headlined Johan Cruyff Deceased, was supposed to be part of an internal software test but went live 'by mistake' and quickly spread on social networks before it was taken down. The paper's editor, Philippe Remarque, called it 'a stupid mistake' and apologised personally to Cruyff, the former Ajax and Netherlands forward, Barcelona manager and yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite footballer ever (with the possible exception of yer actual Saint Peter Beardsley). 'On behalf of Volkskrant I offer my apologies to Johan Cruyff and anyone who has been upset by this,' he said. 'The app was tested this morning with fake stories, and a technician came up with this as a way of testing a major breaking news story. By mistake it appeared with this headline.' The paper tweeted: 'Due to an error on our new test site, we accidentally published a message about the death of Johan Cruyff. We're sorry.' The Dutch news blog Welingelichte Kringen said the story had 'sent a shudder across Twitter and throughout the country.' Happily, Johan isn't dead. Merely resting.

'A giant dinosaur from the distant past has just vomited a blue box from Outer Space! This is not a day for jumping to conclusions.'
So, dear blog reader, Peter Capaldi his very self is The Doctor. He becomes the twelfth actor to play the role on television in the BBC's long-running popular family SF drama. Or, if you count Richard Hurndall and John Hurt - which you really should, since they both did the gig, albeit in both cases only briefly - the fourteenth. Which is nice. In the past, the job of introducing a new Doctor to the show's audience has, usually, been done by bringing in some old, familiar, established elements from Doctor Who's past. Patrick Troughton was given a six episode face-off against The Dalek and Mister Pertwee's introduction was within a comfortingly contemporary Earth setting that viewers knew from The Web Of Fear and The Invasion and was aided by the reintroduction of UNIT and the Brigadier. Who, of course, were both still knocking around four years later when Tom Baker first appeared. And, it was similar threats to a world we could all, easily, recognise as broadly speaking our own that Chris Eccleston (facing Pertwee's old enemies The Autons), David Tennant and Matt Smith were presented with. Peter Davison and Paul McGann had to contend with different regenerations of The Doctor's nemesis, The Master and for Sylvester McCoy, it was another renegade Time Lord, The Rani. Only The Crap One had a story which contained no obvious links to the series' past. Which is, perhaps, one of the many reasons why The Twin Dilemma is the Doctor Who story that lots of regular viewers would have somewhere very close to the bottom of any hypothetical list of 'ooo, I really must watch that one again.' Its thoroughly rotten, cliché-driven script, cheap design and hammy performances from the top on down notwithstanding. The Power Of The Daleks, Spearhead From Space, Robot, Castrovalva and the 1996 TV movie (and even, to an extent, Time & The Rani) all spent time in visuals and dialogue reminding viewers of former Doctors as a necessary juxtaposition marker to the changes which they were currently being presented with. Of late, Rose, The Christmas Invasion and The Eleventh Hour have all had a similar construction - throwing the new Doctor(s), immediately, into a sink-or-swim situation from which there is little time for reflection or dwelling on the past but, instead, charging head-first into the future unknown. In Doctor Who, across forty eight years since the series' first regeneration story in 1966, certain key elements always seem to accompany The Doctor in the fog of each post-regeneration crisis. A bewildered companion (or two or, once, three), a complex problem to drag The Doctor out of his mental confusion and, most obviously, the presence of the TARDIS. 'It's part of the TARDIS,' said Patrick Troughton forty eight years ago. 'Without it, I couldn't survive.'
'A dinosaur is burning in the heart of London. Nothing left but smoke and flame. The question is, have there been any similar murders?' On a related note, the character of the new Doctor usually falls into one of four broad categories in his first story: There's the lugubrious, mysterious, unfamiliar stranger who, nevertheless, the audience feel instantly that they will soon come to know and love (Troughton, Tom). There's the haunted, post-apocalyptic figure of - again - mystery with, one senses, some ancient and unspeakable sadness at his core. One which he doesn't hide but effectively covers most of the time with bluff and evasion (most obviously Eccleston, but also, to an extent, Pertwee and Smudger). There's also the bewildered amnesiac whose clouded mind will suddenly, after the intervention of a, necessary calming force, reveal the hero within (Davison, McCoy, McGann and, especially, Tennant). And then, there's the unlikable crass bully whose chest-beating sneering arrogance and casual indifference to his companion's understandable distaste for such a change almost instantly puts a significant proportion of the audience off both the character and the show for the next three years. Peter Capaldi's début, mercifully, occupies bits of the first three strands and, for this blogger at least, none whatsoever of the fourth, a few aesthetic comparisons with the appallingly nasty 'I am The Doctor, whether you like it or not' scene in The Caves Of Androzani notwithstanding. Clara, like Peri, might have lost a rather fanciable young chum to someone older, louder and more sure of himself but, thankfully, there, the comparisons between six and twelve end. Apart from the fact that one is exactly half of the other, obviously.
'He is lost in the ruin of himself, and we must bring him home.' Shooting for Deep Breath took place at The Maltings in Cardiff from 7 January 2014 and, later, at Mount Stuart Square. Scenes were subsequently filmed on Queen Street in the city towards the end of the month. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat announced to fans that this episode is going to be 'a big introduction' for Peter Capaldi noting that there would be 'plenty of action and nonsense and jeopardy, as there ever is in Doctor Who.'The episode, it was announced, would feature Capaldi alongside Jenna Coleman and Neve McIntosh, Catrin Stewart and Dan Starkey reprising their roles of Madame Vastra, Jenny Flint, and Strax. Capaldi's predecessor, Matt Smith, it was rumoured, would also appear in a cameo which had been shot during the production of his final episode, last year's Christmas special The Time Of The Doctor. On 6 July 2014, long after the episode had been completed, the scripts for the first five episodes of the series (including Deep Breath) were inadvertently leaked online from BBC Worldwide's Latin America headquarters, prompting a plea from the BBC to fans to keep the storylines of the five episodes secret. Also leaked was a poor quality black-and-white rough cut of Deep Breath, missing most of the visual effects but otherwise complete. The BBC blamed the leak on the fact that the files had been stored on a publicly accessible server in its new Miami-based headquarters. Steven Moffat, speaking at the London Film and Comic Con, called the leak 'horrible, miserable and upsetting.'
'It's all right up till the eyebrows and then it just goes haywire. Look at the eyebrows! They're attack eyebrows. You could take bottle tops off with these. They're crosser than the rest of my face. They're independently cross. They probably want to cede from the rest of my face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows!' A lifelong fan of the series, as a teenager Peter Capaldi inundated the Doctor Who production team with fan mail full of questions and suggestions. In the live TV announcement ofhis casting, he was presented with a letter his fifteen-year-old self wrote to the Radio Times praising its Doctor Who coverage in 1973, which Capaldi sheepishly referred to as 'the full anorak.'Peter had previously played the character of Lucius Caecilius in the 2008 Doctor Who episode The Fires Of Pompeii as well as playing - quite magnificently - the civil servant John Frobisher in the 2009 spin-off Torchwood: Children of Earth. Before taking the role of The Doctor, Peter stated that he had to seriously consider the increased level of visibility which would come with the part, adding that 'I had to decide if I was ready to live with that, because once that genie is out of the bottle, it doesn't go back in.' He revealed in an interview that he had been invited to audition for the role of the eighth Doctor in 1995 prior to the production of the 1996 TV film. He turned it down as 'I didn't think I would get it, and ... didn't want to just be part of a big cull of actors.''I've been very, very lucky in that Matt Smith and David Tennant have been incredibly friendly and supportive to me,' Peter has noted recently. 'I can talk to them any time because it's quite a small club, the actors who've played The Doctor and they recognise the realities of what being in this position is like.' Part of Doctor Who's attraction for Peter it seems lies in its imaginative potential: it's held a sense of wonder, awe and terror for generations of British people - including the new Doctor himself. 'It is this relationship between the domestic and the epic,' Peter says on the subject of what appeals to him about the programme. 'The sense that there's a bridge, that a hand can be extended, and you can step from the Earth, from the supermarket car park, into the Andromeda Nebulae. And I love monsters. Everybody loves monsters.'
'You remember thingy. The not-me one. The "asking questions" one. Names ... not my area.'Deep Breath, of course, features a significant portion of the staples from the programme's Twenty First Century regeneration, created by a group of Doctor Who fanatics, just like Capaldi. There are in-jokes aplenty in Steven Moffat cleverly weighed script with lots of self-referential moments - the dialogue is littered with allusions to both the new Doctor's apparent age and his, definite, Scottishness - but that's just one part of the show's detailed, complex and eccentric universe. For someone as established and respected an actor as Capaldi this is all food and drink. Visually, in his eventual 'front row of a Specials gig in 1979' costume, he looks a bit like the ageing rock star he could well have been now had circumstances dictated. He was, infamously, in the sub-Postcard band Dreamboys along with his old mate Craig Ferguson in his youth just prior to breaking into acting in Local Hero. And so to the part he's waited to play all of his life; Capaldi is, within seconds of his first appearance in Deep Breath, The Doctor. A new, volatile, cross, sarky, mature and much more dangerous Doctor. You'd expect Capaldi to be riveting from the word go - unless you were that infamously glakeish American online Special Person who declared that Capaldi (whom he or she had 'never heard of', incidentally) had, this person considered, 'neither the depth or range' to play the part. Apparently. It's on The Internet, dear blog reader, so it must be true. Comparisons to several previous Doctors are, of course inevitable. That always happens during a new Doctor's opening overs and this time around, it's no different. It's not hard to detect shades of William Hartnell, Tom Baker and, especially, Mister Pertwee, reportedly Peter's own childhood favourite, in his performance (and, interestingly, more than a smidgen of Sylvester McCoy too. Not just in the Scottishness, either). But Capaldi is, defiantly, his own Doctor occupying his own space (and time) and shows as much depth and range as an actor of his quality and experience should. Much has been made in parts of the media of his incarnation being 'darker' that his immediate predecessors (something which Capaldi has used at least one recent TV interview to play down). By the conclusion of the opening episode, and one scene in particular - sure to be debated at length within fandom - audience will know (know for certain) that this is not a Time Lord to be messed with. Yet there is also a warmer, more vulnerable side to the character - reminiscent of both Davison and Smith - hovering in the background but, perhaps, a touch harder to access than it was before. There's also a decent amount of humour in the episode, most of it coming from The Doctor and Clara's developing new relationship.
'I could use it to blow this whole room if I see one thing I don't like. And that includes Karaoke and mime, so take no chances.' Of course, it's a continuity lover's dream. There are allusions to, in no particular order, The Time Of The Doctor (Handles, 'I am not a control freak!', the eleventh Doctor's cameo phone call from Trenzalore), Planet Of The Spiders ('here we go again'), Invasion Of The Dinosaurs, Terror Of The Zygons (the monster in the Thames), The Pirate Planet ('what's the point?'), The Power Of The Daleks ('renewed?'), The Day Of The Doctor (Marcus Aurelius, 'are you judging me?', the 'round things'), The Snowmen ('... and we will melt him with acid'), Robot ('And a big, long scarf. No, move on from that. Looked stupid!'), The Fires Of Pompeii ('I have never seen that face', 'It's funny, because, I'm sure that I have.'), The War Games (Time Lords' ability to chose a specific face when regenerating), Time & The Rani ('I've gone a bit Scottish'), Asylum Of The Daleks (The Impossible Girl small ad), Human Nature (the references to The Doctor's watch), The Angels Take Manhattan ('it's at times like this I miss Amy'), Silence In The Library (the voice-activated sonic), The Girl In The Fireplace ('droids harvesting spare parts. That rings a bell'), The Doctor's Wife (the non-matching hands), The Brain Of Morbius ('This isn't a man turning himself into a robot. It's a robot turning itself into a man piece by piece'), Blink ('she called the police?'), The Tenth Planet ('is there any of the real you left?'), The Eleventh Hour ('Geronimo!'), The Mind Of Evil ('Oh, look! The cavalry!'), The Talons Of Weng Chiang (the Fifty First Century), The Underwater Menace ('little man!'), Ghost Light (the entire building as a spaceship), The Robots Of Death ('self destruction is against my basic programming'), Frontios (the hat-stand), The Three Doctors ('you've redecorated, I don't like it!'), The Bells of St John ('a long time ago you were given the number of a computer help line, but you ended up phoning the TARDIS. Who gave you that number?'), The Hand Of Fear (the TARDIS missing his target and ending up in Scotland) and The End Of The World (chips solve everything). There are visual nods in the direction of several previous regeneration stories (notably Castrovalva and Spearhead From Space) as well as a whole array of pseudo-historical adventures from the series' past - the Victorian settings of The Snowmen, The Crimson Horror, The Next Doctor, The Unquiet Dead and The Talons Of Weng Chiang, most obviously. It's also full of clever inter-textual Sherlock Holmes jokes ('We've got the Paternoster irregulars out in force. If anyone can find him, they can. Meanwhile, Madame Vastra is slightly occupied by the Conk-Singleton forgery case and is having the Camberwell child-poisoner for dinner'!) and there's a really witty little allusion to the Father Ted perception scene ('It's just far away. Everything looks too small'). Along with paraphrases from The Terminator, Apocalypse, Now, Sweeney Todd, O Captain, My Captain and the works of Robert Burns.

'I'd say that person would be an egomaniac, needy, game-player sort of person.''Well at least that hasn't changed.' In a story which benefits from being firmly set in one of Doctor Who's most regular haunts - the land of cod Gothia Victoriana - Deep Breath functions on just about every level one could ask of it; as straight entertainment, as subtext and as metaphor. Superbly directed by Ben Wheatley, in places stylistically fascinating, it is an episode essentially about faith, in all its forms (that surprise final scene). It has big ideas - necessary big ideas - but still finds time for the small and the apparently insignificant amid its classy depiction of rebirth and refocusing. The episode has elegance, tension and beautiful drama, particularly in the scene in which Clara refuses to tell The Half-Face Man what he wants to know (Jenna acting her little cotton socks off here, and elsewhere for that matter). 'Shut up, I was talking to the horse!'
And then, there's the dialogue. 'Hello, rubbish robots from the dawn of time. Thank you for all the gratuitous information. Five foot one and crying, you never stood a chance!' Yes, this is one of Moffat's funny ones, dear blog reader. 'I'll wager you've not seen anything like this before!''Not since I was a little girl.' And: 'It dropped a blue box marked "Police" out of its mouth - your grasp of biology troubles me.' And: 'You're very similar heights. Maybe you should wear labels.' And: 'Don't look in that mirror, it's furious!' And: 'I never bother with sleep, I just do standy-up-catnaps. Generally when anyone else starts talking. I like to skip ahead to my bits, it saves time!' And: 'You want a psychic link with me? The size of my brain, it would be like dropping a piano on you.' And: 'I love monkeys, they're so funny!' And: 'The world which shook at my feet, and the trees, and the sky have gone, and I am alone now.' And: 'May I take your clothes?' And all of those are in the first ten minutes! Then, it gets all moody and philosophical. 'He is the Doctor. He has walked this universe for centuries untold, he has seen stars fall to dust. You might as well flirt with a mountain range.' And: 'Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor, last of the five Goodens. A stoic philosopher.''Superlative bass guitarist. The Doctor really knows how to put a band together.' There are moments of naughty humour ('My time machine got stuck in your throat. It happens. I brought you along by accident - that's how I mostly meet girls!' And: 'You've got to admire the efficiency.''Is it okay if I don't?') There are great daft lines for Strax to bellow ('Out of the way, human filth. Jurassic emergency!' and 'He's almost certainly had his throat cut by the violent poor!') There is time for the surreal ('Probably best to stay out the larder. It'll get a bit noisy in there later') and the epic ('I'm the Doctor. I have lived for over two thousand years and not all of them were good. I have made many mistakes, and it's about time I did something about that.') Moments of the humane ('I've got a horrible feeling I'm going to have to kill you. I thought you might appreciate a drink first. I know I would') and the sinister ('Never start with your final sanction. You've got nowhere to go but backwards') and the genuinely sad ('To find the promised land.''You're millions of years old, it's time you knew. There isn't one'). There's geet towering slabs of wee-yer-pants humour ('Deflected narcissism, traces of passive aggressive and a lot of muscular young men doing sport.''What are you looking at?''Your subconscious' And: 'Where are we now?''Factually, an ancient space ship, probably buried for centuries. Functionally, a larder'). There's sly, witty wink-of-the-eye humour ('What devilry is this, sir?''I don't know. But I probably blame the English') and giggly, 'I shouldn't really be laughing at this but ...' humour ('She called the police? We never do that. We should start!') Deep Breath is written to be quoted, at length, to complete strangers on a bus six weeks after the episode has aired: 'I'm not just being rhetorical, you can join in!' And, who could fail to love the bit where Clara got hit in the mush with The Times?
'Please tell me I didn't get old? Anything but old!'Deep Breath, then, is the first brick in the construction of the twelfth Doctor's house. It's lyrical and smart, but never - as Frank Cottrell Boyce noted in his piece in the Torygraph this week'smart-alec'. It's never so in love with its own cleverness that it finds no room for the odd moments of slapstick and largess towards its audience. 'Nothing is more important than my egomania!' It's not perfect, there are flaws. There are a couple of lugubrious faux-naïf moments that might have been left on the cutting room floor in an ideal world, a couple of supporting players who hadn't, quite, got with the programme and at least one less-than-special effect which could have done with a bit more time and money, although the dinosaur is wonderful. But such criticism is churlish when one sees the way that Peter and Jenna interact, the way the script pulls many 'you can't get there from here' tricks and then proves they, actually, you can. 'Give him Hell, he'll always need it!' And the new title sequence is fabulous. 'Welcome to Heaven' indeed. Deep Breath is good, in fact, it's borderline great. It's not a love letter to the series past like The Day Of The Doctor was though it flirts with being exactly that (so much for the 'no flirting' thing!) Instead, it is a little bit like a Kate Bush single; appealingly odd, multi-layered, knowingly a part of its own universe. And utterly memorable. Like the ladies say: 'Spontaneous combustion!''Is that like love at first sight?' Yes, dear blog reader. Yes it is.
And, from the important stuff, to the ratings: Match Of The Day At Fifty was seen by an average overnight audience of 2.37 million on BBC1 on Friday. The hour long Match Of The Day retrospective which, if you will, kicked-off at 10.35pm, peaked with an audience of 2.53 million. BBC1 also had success with the sitcom Boomers, which with viewing figures of 3.56 million, was Friday's highest-rated show outside of soaps across all channels at 9pm. The evening began with 3.01 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 2.62 million for A Question Of Sport and 2.62 million for Scrappers at 8.30pm. The Dales was ITV's most popular show outside of soaps, on something of a horrorshow of a night for the commercial channel, scoring figures of just 2.36 million at 8pm. Doc Martin was seen by 2.09 million at 9pm. Young Vets got BBC2's evening off to a respectable start, attracting 1.16 million at 7pm. It was followed by 1.66 million for Mastermind and 1.31 million for Sweets Made Simple. The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice achieved an evening high of 2.11 million at 9pm, while Gardener's World was seen by 1.63 million. On Channel Four, The Million Pound Drop attracted eight hundred and seventy thousand punters at 8pm, while six hundred and forty thousand watched The Singer Takes It All at 9pm, which was followed by The Last Leg with seven hundred and sixty thousand. Celebrity Big Brother's latest episode was seen by 1.85 million. BBC4's excellent Running Up That Hill: The Kate Bush Story was among the highest-rated multichannel shows, picking up seven hundred and thirty eight thousand viewers at 9.10pm.

BBC1 controller Charlotte Moore has revealed details of a number of new programmes heading to the channel. Speaking at the Edinburgh Television Festival over the weekend, Moore revealed that she had commissioned several shows to broaden BBC1's drama, factual and documentary offerings. The first of these, The Living And The Dead, is a new six-part fantasy drama from the creators of Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes. It begins shooting next year and, according to Moore, is 'steeped in real history and mythology that will scare the audience and awaken the dead.' Set in Somerset in 1888, the hour-long episodes will follow the story of Nathan Appleby, a farmer who has made it his mission to prove the existence of an afterlife. Described by the creators as a 'complex and compelling man', Appleby will experience paranormal activity - encouraged by the Society for Psychical Research - until his obsession begins to threaten the safety of his family and his own sanity. A second drama which begins shooting in the New Year, From Darkness (written by the excellent Sugar Rush's Katie Baxendale) focuses on former Greater Manchester Policewoman Clare Church. Described by Moore as 'powerful and provocative', the series will see Church having to face returning to the force after twenty years when grim new evidence relating to a past case is unearthed. The last of the new drama commissions is a seventy five-minute exploration of a woman's response to her daughter's murder in the 7 July bombings. A Song For Jenny, written by Frank McGuiness and directed by Brian Percival, was adapted from Julie Nicholson's memoir and will star Emily Watson as the grieving mother. On the comedy front, Moore announced a new six-part studio sitcom series, Mountain Goats. Set in the Scottish Highlands, it will revolve around 'the antics of an energetic ragtag group of Mountain Rescue volunteers.' The final new offering Twenty Four Hours In The Past will see Ruth Goodman supervise six 'celebrities' as they relive a day in the life of some of the poorest people in Victorian Britain. Well, that should be funny. Oh, hang on, this isn't part of the comedy slate, is it? 'Authenticity runs through everything I'm trying to do on BBC1 and the new programme commissions underline this focus,' added Charlotte. '(By) inspiring talent and discovering new voices to tell universal stories in unexpected ways (I hope) to bring audiences the very best quality programming.'

Senior BBC executives including Director of Television Danny Cohen and drama chief Ben Stephenson were - according to a not in the slightest bit agenda-soaked trouble-making piece of shite in the Gruniad Morning Star - 'furious' with Krishnan Guru-Murthy’s rigorous questioning of Charlotte Moore at Edinburgh on Friday. The pair, the Gruniad allege, 'confronted' the Channel Four News presenter at the end of Moore's Meet The Controller session with Stephenson 'particularly animated.'Sadly, it would seem the pair didn't take the odious, full-of-his-own-importance Guru-Murthy out the back and give him a jolly good, hard, talking-to. Guru-Murthy was, the Gruniad sneer, 'having none of it', telling them they were being 'ridiculous.' The presenter, by all accounts no fan of BBC1's Sarah Lancashire drama Happy Valley, was also criticised by a BBC drama producer in the audience who took umbrage after he asked Moore about veteran BBC journalist John Simpson's recent not very warm comments about the 'tough women' who run the corporation. 'Do you think that in repeating that and asking that of a female controller, there is a danger you are legitimising it?' she asked, to loud cheers and applause from the audience who were, clearly - and much to the Gruniad's seeming distaste - 'on Moore's side.' Quite the opposite, weaselled Guru-Murthy (who, of course, the middle-class hippy Communist lice at the Gruniad just love the mostest, baby). 'When a leading BBC talent like John Simpson makes a public comment like that, one of the BBC's leading women needs to be invited to comment on it.' Which Moore was happy to do. 'He's entitled to his opinion,' she said, flatly. 'I don’t think he was talking about me.'That's the way to deal with uppity nonsense, Charl, slap it down. Hard.

The BBC will carry on producing its big hit shows such as EastEnders, Strictly Come Dancing, Doctor Who and Top Gear in-house, despite proposals to open up BBC schedules to independent producers. Director of Television Danny Cohen revealed at Edinburgh that those formats, at least, would not be up for grabs. If the proposal to shake up BBC productions outlined by Tony Hall in July goes ahead, Cohen said the BBC is 'not planning to put any of the current strands' out to tender. He said the new BBC production outfit 'will be part of the BBC family in the way BBC Worldwide is', indicating it would be a stand-alone subsidiary. Cohen said, candidly, that the plan has 'gone down differently in different areas, in some parts I'm not the most popular person', while some staff are 'excited by it.' He said the BBC is, 'doing very, very detailed business planning' but there is not a figure he could - or cared to - put on what the savings would be as yet. However, he thought that, 'there's millions to be saved.'Cohen said that areas such as natural history will win 'huge amounts of business' in an open market but that particular attention needed to be paid to genres such as children's programming and sport. When asked if restrictions or guarantees would be put in place to ensure the production subsidiary could not be sold off one day, Cohen said that discussions were still taking place: 'In terms of the potential to be sold off I don't think that's in our plans either,' he said. 'But, I think that we need to get through the next stage of our regulatory and financial planning to be able to come up with a conclusive plan on that one.' Speaking afterwards to the Gruniad Morning Star, he said: 'It's a fair question and we need to do more work on it. I just don't know about the regulatory detail, I need to get more advice on it. I think there needs to be [some kind of restriction] but it would also be the case that if they didn't make the business it's going to go, those bits wouldn't survive.' He added: 'If we can’t compete, those bits won't continue.' Cohen also said his job will change because there will be a conflict of interest: 'I won't be able to do the current job because my job in its current form won't exist. The question will be: do we need to do that before we make a move so that when we do the planning there's no thing? That's one of the things we're looking at.' Within the next few days the BBC will appoint a policy and strategy team which will lead the process. When asked if the new outfit becomes part of BBC Worldwide it could mean that some staff may move back to Television Centre where BBC Worldwide will move next year, Cohen said: 'As to property, we are going to need to make sure our productions are in places where they are efficiently run based on their budgets and that may mean that big factual production isn't in W1.' Cohen also asked the industry to get 'behind the BBC' in the run-up to charter renewal over the next eighteen months.

Channel Five has issued a statement following claims that the latest series of Big Brother was 'fixed.' Since the show concluded last Friday, some viewers have been complaining to the broadcaster that Helen Wood's victory could not possibly reflect the results of the public vote. 'Channel Five has received inquiries from viewers about the most recent series of Big Brother,' begins the response posted on the programme's official website. The statement goes on to highlight the multiple procedures put in place to independently verify phone and text votes on any given eviction night. It also highlights the individual housemate standings at various points on the day of the final. 'At 9.20am on 15 August, the morning of the final of Big Brother 2014 Ashleigh was eight thousand and eighteen votes ahead of Helen,' reveals the broadcaster. 'Helen was nine thousand seven hundred and eighty nine votes ahead of Christopher, Christopher was four thousand nine hundred and forty five votes ahead of Ash, Ash was eight thousand seven hundred and thirty votes ahead of Chris [and] Chris was eleven thousand two hundred and thirty seven votes ahead of Pav.' Poor Pav. The figures show that viewer votes put Ashleigh ahead of Helen right up until the start of the evening's live broadcast. By the time the voting lines closed at 10.03pm, Ashleigh's lead had been lost, with Helen managing a four thousand six hundred and thirty one vote victory. In response to allegations that Helen's pass to the final was 'orchestrated' by Channel Five to ensure that she won the show, the broadcaster adds: 'During the launch of Big Brother, the viewers voted for Pauline to be given 'the power' in the House. And, you mustn't mess with Pauline, dear blog reader. Or she will attack and you don't want that. 'Pauline knew nothing about what reward would be given when she selected Helen for a reward. The first either Helen or Pauline or any other housemate knew about there being a "pass to the final" was when Big Brother announced to the House exactly what the reward was that Pauline had chosen Helen to receive. Helen auditioned for Big Brother in the same way as all other applicants for a place in the Big Brother House,' Channel Five continues, in reference to rumours that the twenty seven-year-old from Bolton had been 'hand-picked' as the winner. 'When she entered the House, Helen did not have an agent, a manager or any connection with either Northern & Shell or [owner of Channel Five and soft-core pornographer] Richard Desmond.' The broadcaster also addresses claims that Helen received 'multiple warnings' from producers which did not air on the show and that these went on to skew the final result. 'There were a number of further informal interventions with Helen about her conduct,' it explains, 'although these informal interventions were not themselves included in any broadcast. Informal interventions with other housemates, similarly, were not included in the material broadcast.' The statement concludes: 'The Big Brother voting system remains independently verified and Big Brother is satisfied that the outcome of Big Brother 2014 was an accurate reflection of the public's decisions.' As if anybody actually gives a stuff about crap like this. Broadcasting regulator Ofcom has yet to make a comment on the allegations, but notes on its website that as of Monday it had received over four hundred0 complaints about the reality show's result.

BBC4 is seeking as a priority to bring back the missing 'edge of satire' to refresh its schedule, in line with past hits, including The Thick Of It and Twenty Twelve. Cassian Harrison, the channel editor, said that 'bold, critical commentary on the world we live in now' was on his agenda, and was also being pursued with BBC comedy commissioner Shane Allen. Speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival, he also said he wants to refresh Friday nights, which have tended to draw on archives of popular rock and roll performers for concert, clip and list shows. 'We need to turn that chapter, open up the mix, more variety, more than one artist and explore collaborations with 6Music' he said, including live performances from music venues, such as London's Round House. Harrison also backed 'big bold ideas', like the recent hit, The History Of Toilets and added that a forthcoming programme, Spider House, followed the lives of twenty thousand spiders throughout the day; 'how they mate, what they eat, what they do.' Although BBC4's twenty six per cent budget cut has ruled out landmark biopic dramas such as Edith and Burton & Taylor, Harrison is able to buy a licence for some original drama and has agreed to contribute to a second series of the Anglo/Welsh S4C drama, Hinterland which ran successfully on BBC4 earlier this year. He is continuing the popular Saturday night screenings of European dramas like The Bridge and Spiral with Cordon, a Belgium production about a killer virus due to be shown this autumn. And although BBC4's audience is upmarket and over fifty five - except for yer actual Keith Telly Topping who is very downmarket and only fifty - Harrison said that once audiences grew to more than five hundred thousand the mix became much more diverse, and it needed its own Twitter account and Facebook page to interact with regular viewers.

So, as noted, an outbreak of a deadly virus in Antwerp will be the focus of the latest Saturday night foreign drama on BBC4, with the broadcaster also due to show the new series of The Bridge and the acclaimed French police drama Spiral. The Belgian city is sealed off from the outside world in the ten-part thriller, Cordon, following the discovery of a contagious and deadly virus which brings out the very best of the people trapped inside, but also the very worst. It is the second thriller from Belgium on BBC4 following the bank heist drama, Salamander, as the broadcaster looks to spread its net further beyond the traditional Scandinavian home of its biggest hits, The Bridge, The Killing and Borgen. The dramas have come to define the channel as it reshapes itself after savage budget cuts which have meant it has lost all of its home-grown drama output. The Bridge will return for a third series as part of BBC4's new season of programmes announced at Edinburgh on Thursday. Other new series include a season of programmes exploring the nation's fascination with all things Gothic across BBC3 and BBC4 and a series of Storyville films about love in the Twenty First Century. Elsewhere, Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman will join cult favourite Lucy Worsley to tell the story of British dance in a three-part series, Dancing Cheek To Cheek. The only one of the BBC's four channels to increase its audience in the current decade, albeit from the lowest base, Cassian Harrison said: 'BBC4 is in rude health: share and reach were both up on the previous year and audience appreciation continues to be the highest of all BBC channels. BBC4 has a unique place in the BBC portfolio offering intelligent, innovative and surprising content with a distinctive depth, wit and verve.' That BBC4 has a channel editor rather than controller is, of course, a reflection of its downgraded status as a result of recent cuts, although its future appears to be secure, unlike sister channel BBC3, due to get kicked online next year. Other new BBC4 shows already announced include metal detector sitcom The Detectorists, starring Mackenzie Crook and Puppy Love from Getting On co-creators Joanna Scanlan and Vicki Pepperdine. The Gothic Season will include programmes about Frankenstein, Gothic architecture and a Goth music special featuring Siouxsie & The Banshees, The Cure, The Sisters Of Mercy and The Mission. A new documentary, Spider House, will feature a Gothic family house taken over by spiders, showing 'in unprecedented detail' the secret world of the spider, while three-part Treasures Of The Indus will explore the treasures of the Indian Subcontinent. The three-part Love Season will include One Hundred Years Of Love And Courtship, featuring the 'very first kisses ever caught on film' with a soundtrack by Richard Hawley, a documentary about a Japanese love hotel and One Hundred And Twelve Weddings, about, well, one hundred and twelve weddings, basically.

Scowling Jezza Paxman his very self is said to be 'in discussions' with Channel Four over a possible move from the BBC. The former Newsnight host has been in talks with Channel Four's chief creative officer Jay Hunt about future projects on the channel, she revealed at Edinburgh. When asked if she had held talks with Paxman, she said: 'I have known Jeremy for years and worked with him on Newsnight. Jon Snow should not be worried in any way. But am I in talks? Yes, of course.' Hunt would not give any more information about what kinds of projects Paxman could be involved in. Paxman left Newsnight after Twenty five years as its lead presenter in June, but remains at the corporation as host of University Challenge. He recently received broadly positive reviews for his one-man show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Channel Four will create a one-off drama focusing on Nick Clegg's rise in British politics. The project, which has the working title Coalition, will chart Clegg's journey in 2010 from 'rank outsider' to 'the man who would decide the fate of the country.' And, if they hang on for another year until the next election, they'll be able to chart his journey into the gutter with all the other shit when he and his party get abandoned by their long term supporters for forgetting all of their principles for a sniff of power.

The cast of a popular South African soap opera, Generations, have all been sacked after going on strike in a long-running dispute over pay and contracts. The show's sixteen actors, watched nightly on state broadcaster SABC, were fired after resisting calls to return to work at studios in Johannesburg. The programme will continue to be broadcast until October, while producers have indicated that new actors will be recruited. Generations follows a group of black middle-class characters working in advertising. It was first shown in 1993, a year before South African's first democratic multi-party elections brought Nelson Mandela to power. The programme is a popular draw with South Africans, providing a source of aspiration to many TV viewers. Executive producer Mfundi Vlunda told a South African radio station that new cast members would be sought. 'There were other actors before, there will be other actors in the future,' he told Talk Radio 702. 'Generations will go on, it doesn't mean the demise of the series. We've been engaging with them since October last year,' said Vlunda, who added that the cast had been asked to continue recording the show while negotiations continued but had not returned to work. 'That's it, it's finished, it's a termination,' he added. Vlunda branded the actors' pay and contractual demands 'unreasonable' and claimed that twelve of South Africa's highest paid actors were Generations cast members. The cast have contended they are underpaid and also receive no repeat fees for their work, which is screened in other African countries. Among the actors losing their jobs is Sophie Ndaba, who has played Queen Moroka since the show's inception. The cast's lawyer said that they would 'seek further advice' before deciding how to fight the programme makers' decision. South Africa's Arts and Culture minister, Nathi Mthethwa, said that he was willing to help reach 'a speedy and amicable resolution to this matter' and added the drama had helped foster the development and growth of the country's creative industries.

Now, as some of you will already know, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith telly Topping has been suffering from a sodding annoying back injury over the last few months - essentially, it's sciatica (that's inflammation of the sciatic nerve for those without a medical degree, which is caused by a compressed disc in the lower vertebrae). Frankly, it hurts like jimbuggery. It's okay, I'm not fishing for sympathy here, I'm taking strong pain-killers for it which helps and the lack of mobility a lot of the time is liveable-with. But, as a consequence, much of the cycle-based fitness regime that yer actual Keith Telly Topping had been doing at the back end of last year - which seemed to be doing him a lot of good - has had to go into mothballs. Except from swimming. Now, yer actual Keith Telly Topping had been really enjoying going along to his local pool two or three times a week, doing a few lengths breaststroke and then spending half-an-hour in the steam room or the sauna (or, sometimes, both) before breakfast. Over the last couple of weeks, or so, I've started to up the amount of pool work that I'm doing. It's usually five days a week now - sometimes six - and whereas once upon a time, six or eight lengths might've been considered a good day, I've found myself able to get up to ten, twelve, thirteen and then, on Thursday of this week dear blog reader, this blogger set a new British, European and Commonwealth All Comers personal best of fourteen. Fourteen! No, that's not Paul Hadrcaste's second, rather forgotten, single but, rather, the number of lengths wot yer actual Keith Telly Topping only went and done (a figure which he matched on Capaldi Saturday, incidentally). It hurt. I mean, it really hurt, but still ... Little victories and all that. This was considerably aided, it must be said, by the pair of swimming goggles Keith Telly Topping bought at Argos in midweek for a tenner. This was the first time in ages that he had emerged from the waters without his eyes stinging like Sting (singing on the roof of the Barbican) from all the chlorine. Anyway, this was the middle part of an early morning triathlon which also involved yer actual Keith Telly Topping walking to the bus stop and then, later, limpingback to the bus stop to come home. Admittedly, there was a break in the middle for a coffee at Morrison's. You know, this blooger reckons that international triathlons should all have a coffee break in the middle; it'd be more civilised and, imagine what the finishes would be like if the Brownlee brothers had tons of caffeine swilling around in their systems?!

Critics have hailed yer actual Peter Capaldi's feature-length début as The Doctor, as the eighth series of Doctor Who premièred on BBC1 on Saturday. You might have noticed. The Torygraph's Michael Hogan said the actor 'crackled with fierce intelligence and nervous energy.' Some middle-class hippy Communist tool at the Gruniad Morning Star, called Peter's performance 'wise and thoughtful', though decried the plot as 'demented.' The programme was watched by an overnight peak of 7.26 million people around 9pm (with an average of 6.8 million across the entire eighty minutes), according to initial overnight viewing figures. More than decent on a Saturday night in August under any circumstances, of course. If the last series is anything to go by then added timshifts should take that figure up to somewhere around nine million or so although it's getting harder to speculate on an exact final figure - even for a seasoned ratings watcher like yer actual Keith Telly Topping - as timeshifting is becoming so much more prevalent with each passing year. Those final, consolidated figures will be released by BARB in about a week's time. And, of course, none of this takes account either iPlayer viewers or those who were watching the episode at four hundred and forty cinemas around the country. The BBC said that Deep Breath was the most watched opening episode of a Doctor Who series on overnights since Matt Smith's début episode, The Eleventh Hour, in 2010. Richard Beech, in the Mirra, said that Capaldi had 'all the hallmarks of a great Doctor.' He called the eighty-minute episode, Deep Breath, 'an impeccable début. If you watched Deep Breath and you don't want to watch the rest of series eight, then there truly is something wrong with you,' he added. The surprise reappearance of Capaldi's predecessor, Matt Smith his very self in the closing moments of the show was greeted with joy by many fans, though the Mirra's critic called Smudger's phone call from the past 'divisive. For some, it will have been a genuine treat to see Matt Smith as The Doctor for one last time - but many didn't need the closure, and didn't need telling to get behind a man they already firmly believe in.'The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has described Smudger's appearance as 'the fastest return ever on Doctor Who. It just felt utterly right for what we were planning for Peter's Doctor, and right for Matt's Doctor, that he would think of that as he was just about to go out the door,' he told the Digital Spy website. 'In some ways, this episode resembled Moffat's other show, Sherlock, with its twisting plot, cryptic newspaper ads and London landmarks. Although the pace sagged in places, as a debut for a new Doctor it worked well with some old-style behind-the-sofa scares and sly humour,' noted the Torygraph's reviewer. 'There was even an oblique dig at ITV ("so many advertisements, a distressing modern trend") and a nod to the upcoming Scottish referendum, with Capaldi declaring: "My eyebrows want to cede from my face and set up their own independent state." This Doctor might be darker but he's not without wit.''This was a wise and thoughtful opening gambit from Moffat, and from the wonderful Capaldi - if you can utterly disregard the demented plot. Granted, this might be like saying "apart from that, 6 August was a typically pleasant day in Hiroshima", but the underlying, and cleverer, theme was of age, and ageing, and looks, and perception, very nicely summed up when Clara (Jenna Colman, in a performance of great nuance if you can forget that last faux-Scots diphthong) asks the pretty lesbian lizard-lady, "When did you suddenly stop wearing that veil?""When you stopped seeing it," comes the reply,' wrote the Observer's reviewer. AA Gill, The Sunday Times's TV critic, said Capaldi's version of The Doctor was 'not unlike Richard Dawkins, madly science-fictive and theophobic, with selective amnesia and vague formless feelings of charity.' In the Daily Scum Express, David Stephenson added: 'Capaldi plays the tartan time traveller as a serious thinker, an almost troubled being, with a burden. An independent soul, he is not finding his way in the world – he has already been there. In short, the new Doctor is one of us; older, kindly, grumpy at times, and with regrets. "I've made mistakes," he says solemnly. Once he gets over his post-traumatic regeneration disorder, this worldly Doctor could become a classic but do not expect the scarf to make a return. He may be an avuncular Doctor in a frock coat but he will not be reaching for the pipe and slippers.''Deep Breath is simultaneously familiar and yet unfamiliar. It's a familiar "new Doctor" episode which touches on the after-effects of regeneration,' added the Metro's Tim Liew. 'Steven Moffat's clockwork droids from The Girl In The Fireplace return. And we’re reunited with the Paternoster Gang of Vastra, Jenny and Strax, who help uncover the droids’ murderous attempts to repair their spacecraft and reach the promised land. At the same time, however, everything is different. The Doctor himself certainly is, with both he and Clara struggling to come to terms with his new appearance and personality.''The story took second place to a delightful play on the babble surrounding casting an older actor as The Doctor and not another boy wonder,' added Liew's Metro colleague, the excellent Keith Watson. 'Capaldi was in his element, brilliant at bafflement as he came to terms with his new identity. "Don't look in that mirror, it's furious", he cried, not recognising himself. "Why did I choose this face? It's like I'm trying to make a point." A point, indeed, and one neatly made by writer Steven Moffat, railing at ageism. Jenna Coleman's Clara was having a hard time swapping a potential boyfriend for a bloke who could be her dad and, in a cheeky take on Who legend, we had (spoiler) two Doctors for the price of one in a scene with Matt Smith popping up to help her move on.' Even the Daily Scum Mail's notoriously hard-to-please grumpy-faced whinger Jim Shelley seemed to quite enjoy Capaldi's performance, although not without a thoroughly spiteful, cowardly and, it would seem, sinisterly agenda-soaked dig at Peter's immediate two predecessors Matt Smith and David Tennant that we could have well done without. Then again, this is the Daily Scum Mail we're talking about , dear blog reader, and nobody with half-a-brain in their head or an ounce of conscience in their heart reads that odious full-of-it's-own-importance right-wing spew. The critics were also united in their praise for yer actual Jenna Coleman, returning as the Doctor's companion Clara. Her character drove much of the action in the episode which opened with a dinosaur stranded in Victorian London and encompassed spontaneous combustion and robots harvesting human body parts. 'The plot runs secondary to the emotional throughline here,' wrote the US critic Geoff Berkshire in Variety. But he added: 'What Capaldi lacks in youthful energy, he more than makes up for in gravitas and wry eccentricity, whether marvelling at his "independently cross" eyebrows or gleefully embracing his Scottish accent as a license to complain.''Behind his furrowed brow and tendency to complain, roil new and exciting storms, which may tilt the tale away from love and longing and back to adventure,' noted the Los Angeles Times critic Mary McNamara. 'Either way, this Doctor is truly something else again.' Certainly good old Mad Tom Baker seemed to enjoy the episode, posting on Facebook: 'Bravo, Peter Capaldi! Wonderful actor in a wonderful series off to a great new start!' Of course, when reporting all this, the BBC News website couldn't resist finding a handful of whinging fekkers of no importance whatsoever on Twitter who disagreed and wanted to tell everyone that would listen (and, indeed, everyone that wouldn't) all about it. And, once again, we have an example of the naive media assumption that Twitter is The Sole Arbiter Of The Worth Of All Things. Which is isn't. Not even close. 'Seriously disappointed with Doctor Who. Bored, angry, frustrated, irritated, offended and let down,' whinged some arsewipe whom you've never heard of with a username like Numskull473. Or something. So, presumably he or she will be watching Tipping Point on ITV next week instead? Good. See, everybody's happy.

And, from that, to this year's best silly season story. According to the Independent, Ofcom has received six complaints after a lesbian kiss featured in Saturday night's Doctor Who. Exactly where they got that figure from is not, at this time, known but let's assume for the moment that it's true (always a jolly dangerous assumption where the Indi is concerned) and, as a consequence, let us, once again, simply marvel at the utter trival bollocks that some right-wing bags of loathsome scummery choose to care about. The BBC's popular family SF drama 'came under fire' from some viewers (I'm certainly not going to use the word 'fans' here, unlike the Indi, because, well, they're not) for the allegedly 'inappropriate' moment between the Silurian Madame Vastra and her human wife Jenny Flint. Although the Victorian couple - portrayed, excellently, by Neve McIntosh and Catrin Stewart - have appeared as lovers for three years in the series, their first on-screen kiss sparked some ... people (and I use that word very loosely) to attack what they saw as 'a blatant gay agenda.' Ah, how marvellous it is to see sick, vile and open homophobia alive and kicking in the Twenty First Century? The moment came when Jenny was holding her breath to escape the clockwork droids who can sense humans by their breathing (hence, the episode's title). As she struggles to breathe, Madame Vastra helps to keep her alive with her own oxygen. A kiss of life, if you like - so, one imagines, Casualty might be getting some complaints as well. But, while the scene received a broadly positive reaction from most viewers, others - well, six anyway - claimed it was 'unnecessary' and 'gratuitous', with one 'reviewer' accusing the BBC of 'wanting to become a porn channel.' Yes. Yes, it does. It's what I pay my licence fee for, I dunno about anybody else. 'It just seems [Steven Moffat] is on some weird, lizard-lesbian perv trip,' wrote someone else, according to the gay news site, Pink News. Where these couple of jokers actually wrote these things isn't made entirely clear although, chances are it's bloody Twitter. In which case who, actually, gives a frig?

So, as noted, the return of Doctor Who was seen by an initial overnight audience of nearly seven million people on BBC1. Series eight opener Deep Breath was watched by an average overnight audience of 6.8 million in its 7.50pm timeslot. The feature-length episode, which marked the full début of yer actual Peter Capaldi, peaked with an audience of just over seven million around 8.45pm as the episode drew towards its conclusion. With a thirty two per cent audience share, it was watched by nearly a third of all TV viewers on Saturday evening. The episode had an Audience Appreciation Index score of eighty two. Still firmly in the 'good' category, if you were wondering. Elsewhere, the wretched Tumble was seen by an average audience of 3.31 million. The BBC's truly horrific gymnastics show narrowly improved its audience on the previous week's average of 3.30 million. Doctor Who was followed by 4.2 million for Casualty at 9.10pm, while Match Of The Day rounded off the evening with 3.47 million. Tipping Point was seen by 3.12 million on ITV, while All Star Family Fortune played to 2.81 million. Celebrity Big Brother continued on Channel Five with 1.43 million tuning in to the latest episode. Channel Five's evening began with seven hundred and ninety one thousand for The ABBA Years at 7.10pm, followed by ABBA @ Forty: Live At Wembley with 1.07 million. Channel Four's movie, Red Lights, was its biggest draw of the night with an audience of seven hundred and seventy thousand at 9pm. The Restoration Man and Grand Design were viewed by five hundred and fifty thousand and six hundred and sixty thousand punters respectively. On BBC2, Ancient Egypt: Life And Death In The Valley Of The Kings was seen by nine hundred and sixty thousand at 8.15pm, while seven hundred and eighty thousand watched Andrew Marr's Great Scots: The Writers Who Shaped A Nation immediately afterwards. With 1.31 million viewers, an episode of Dad's Army was BBC2's highest-rated show of the evening at 7.45pm. ITV3 dramas Lewis and Foyle's War performed well, entertaining respective audiences of seven hundred and twenty thousand and eight hundred and forty thousand.

Overnight ratings on Sunday were incredibly low right across the board - hardly surprisingly for a Bank Holiday weekend in August, one could suggest. BBC1's Countryfile once again scored the night's largest overnight audience attracting 4.71 million at 8pm. It was sandwiched between Nature's Miracle Orphans and The Village, which were watched by 3.73 million and 3.52 million, respectively. With highlights of the games between Stottingtot Hotshots and Queens Park Strangers, as well as The Scum versus The Mackem Filth, Match Of The Day 2 bucked the day's downward trend and was actually seen by a marginally increased audience week-on-week of 2.56 million. Celebrity Big Brother was another show that seemed to be unaffected by the Bank Holiday, being watched by 1.7 million sad, crushed victims of society at 9pm. Channel Five's evening movie Legally Blonde was viewed by nine hundred and ninety five thousand punters at 7pm. Come On Down! The Game Show Story was ITV's highest-rated show of the evening, playing to but 2.27 million at 7pm. It was followed, on what was little short of a horrorshow of a night for the commercial channel by 2.07 million for The Zoo at 8pm and a mere 1.3 million for The Great War: The People's Story at 9pm. It's been a long, tough summer for ITV and how they must be counting the days until The X Factor's return next week. BBC's evening began with eight hundred and sixty thousand viewers for highlights of the Belgian Grand Prix at 7pm, followed by 1.99 million for Dragons' Den at 8pm. BBC2's evening peaked with 2.16 million for James May's Cars Of The People - which provided the BBC's second channel with a rare victory over ITV in a 9pm slot - while a repeat of the Mark Gatiss-penned Doctor Who biopic An Adventure In Space And Time was seen by six hundred and forty thousand at 10pm. On Channel Four, How Britain Worked attracted an average audience of six hundred and twenty thousand while The Mill concluded with 1.2 million. The channel's première of 2012's The Cold Light Of Day was seen by 1.37 million at 9pm.

Deep Breath averaged 1.187 million national viewers in Australia. It was the highest rating drama of the day and the eighth highest rated programme overall. Excluding regional and rural viewers, yer actual Peter Capaldi's début averaged seven hundred and ten thousand viewers in the five major Australian capital cities and was the ninth highest rating show of the day overall (the second highest rating drama after ANZAC Girls). The 4.50am broadcast, simulcast with the UK, also averaged a highly impressive two hundred and sixty thousand national viewers (presumably, very sleepy ones at that). As with Britain, these rating do not include timeshifted viewers. Meanwhile The Doctor's latest incarnation delivered the popular family SF drama's biggest American première audience yet. BBC America's broadcast of Deep Breath puled in an initial US audience of 2.6 million viewers, a record-setting opener for the series in the States. During its 8 to 10pm slot on Saturday night, Doctor Who was the most-watched show on cable.

The BBC drama Sherlock has won a hat-trick of awards at the US Primetime Emmys in Los Angeles. Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman his very self won best actor and best supporting actor in a miniseries, although neither was present to collect their awards. In Benny's case, he was probably still doing his ice-bucket challenge. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat also won best writing in a miniseries for the final episode of Sherlock's third season, His Last Vow. Breaking Bad was the big winner on the night, winning five awards including best drama series. It was the second consecutive year the show picked up the awards' highest honour, after ending in September last year after five seasons. Its star, Bryan Cranston, was named best actor in a drama series for a fourth time as the teacher-turned-drug kingpin Walter White. He beat a host of Hollywood heavyweights including Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson for their roles in the acclaimed crime drama True Detective. 'I have gratitude for everything that has happened,' Cranston said. His co-stars, Aaron Paul and Anna Gunn, were also honoured for best supporting actor and supporting actress in a drama series. Collecting the award for best drama series, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan said: 'Holy cow! This is indeed a wonderful time to be working in television. Thank you for this wonderful farewell to our show.' Julianna Margulies, star of The Good Wife, won the Emmy for best lead actress in a drama series for her part as lawyer Alicia Florrick. 'I feel like this is the golden age of television, but it's also the time for women in television,' said Margulies. 'I feel very grateful to be here.'Modern Family was named best comedy series for a fifth consecutive year, equalling the record set by 1990s show Frasier for most comedy wins. Ty Burrell, also walked away with best supporting actor in a comedy, for his role on the show. The Big Bang Theory's Jim Parsons won best actor in a comedy series, with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, winning her third consecutive Emmy for her role as the foul-mouthed US Vice President Selina Meyer in political satire Veep. Allison Janney won the best supporting actress in a comedy series for Mom. She also collected a second prize during the ceremony for best guest actress in a drama for her role in Masters Of Sex. The ceremony also paid a traditional tribute to industry members who died in the past year. They included James Garner, Ruby Dee, Sid Caesar, Carmen Zapata, Elaine Stritch.It concluded with a special tribute to Robin Williams by his friend Billy Crystal who remembered the actor as 'the brightest star in a comedy galaxy. It is very hard to talk about him in the past because he was so present in our lives,' Crystal said. 'While some of the brightest of our celestial bodies are actually extinct now, their energy long since cool, but miraculously, because they float in the heavens so far away from the sound, their beautiful life will continue to shine on us forever. And the glow will be so bright, it will warm your heart, it will make your eyes glisten, and you'll think to yourself, Robin Williams - what a concept.'

Speaking at the Emmy, yer actual Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) claimed that he has a 'devastating' plan for when Sherlock returns for its one-off special (likely to be next Christmas) and new three-part run (likely to be in early 2016). He went on to say: 'We practically reduced our cast to tears by telling them the plan. Mark [Gatiss] and myself are so excited with what we've got coming up, probably more excited than we've ever been about Sherlock. Honestly, I think we can [top the last season].'On the subject of the awards, Moffat said: 'We were just starting to think that that phase of our lives was dying down, because as shows get older they don't win as often - just like people. We're delighted that we've made it here and hopefully this gets more people watching. That'd be great.' Seemingly Steven wasn't even upset that the BBC News website managaed, yet again, to misspell his name ('Stephen'). It put it right. Eventually.

Back to the ratings and New Tricks rose slightly from the previous week's series opener to win the overnight ratings outside soaps on Bank Holiday Monday. The popular, long-running BBC1 crime drama climbed by around fifty thousand punters to an average audience of 5.84 million at 9pm. Earlier, a different slot for Countryfile appealed to 4.30m at 6pm, followed by coverage of the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo 2014 with 4.53m at 7pm. A repeat of Miranda was watched by 3.33m at 8.30pm, while a look back on the career of the late Lord Attenborough was seen by 2.26m at 10.35pm. BBC2's University Challenge was watched by 2.65m at 8pm. Including this blogger's old mate Danny who noted: 'I may need to brush up on my thermodynamics and asexual reproduction of fungi, but I know The Pixies, Ian Dury and Pulp when I hear them. Honestly, bloody students.' And, so say all of us. He added that the episode also featured an example of what is fast becoming one of UC's most endearing features: 'Paxo gazes dewy-eyed at yet another charming lady captain!'The Scotland Decides debate between Alex Salmond (who, probably won) and Alistair Darling (who, you know, didn't) had an audience of 1.66m at 9pm. Most of whom would've been bored utterly titless by the end. On ITV, Countrywise gathered 2.49m at 8pm, followed by the latest Long Lost Family with 3.28m at 9pm. Channel Four's Food Unwrapped was seen by seven hundred and seventy seven thousand at 7.30pm, while Richard Ayoade's Gadget Man returned with nine hundred and ninety five thousand at 8.30pm. Royal Marines Commando School brought in 1.34m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Police Interceptors attracted nine hundred and thirty one thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother nonsense with 1.41m at 9pm. Under The Dome returned for its second season with eight hundred and seven thousand at 10pm.

Here's the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty programmes, week-ending Sunday 17 August 2014:-
1 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 8.79m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.08m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.73m
4 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 6.49m
5 Boomers - Fri BBC1 - 5.32m
6 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 5.31m
7 In The Club - Tues BBC1 - 5.30m
8 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.24m
9 Mrs Brown's Boys - Sat BBC1 - 5.04m
10 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.03m
11 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.71m
12 Long Lost Family - Mon ITV - 4.54m*
13 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.40m
14 The Village - Sun BBC1 - 4.39m
15 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.37m
16 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 4.27m
17 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.04m
18 Match of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 4.00m
19 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 3.56m
20 Tumble - Sat BBC1 - 3.54m
ITV Programmes marked '*' do include include HD figures. BBC2's highest rated programmes of the week was James May's Cars Of The People (3.06m), followed by and Dragons' Den (2.91m), The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice (2.65m) and University Challenge (2.50m). With the exception of five episode of Corrie, six episode of Emmerdale and Long Lost Family only one ITV show in the entire week managed to top three million viewers: One Hundred Year Old Drivers which had an audience of 3.29m. The fourteenth most watched programme on what is supposed to be Britain's second most popular channel was Tipping Point: Lucky Stars with a mere 2.93 million punters. I'd love to tell you how many the abysmal Love Your Garden got, dear blog reader, but I'm still too busy laughing. Okay, it was 2.46m. Channel Four's highest-rated show was Royal Marines Commando School with 2.52m followed by One Born Every Minutes (1.86m) and Dispatches (1.85m). The film Safe was Channel Five's best performer with two million viewers, followed by CSI with 1.90. On BBC4, Inspector Montalbano led the way with seven hundred and eighty eight thousand viewers. Lewis was ITV3's best performer with nine hundred and thirty nine thousand. Family Guy on BBC3 was the most watched show on multchannels with 1.42m.

The BBC is reportedly developing a drama based on Shannon Matthews, the Yorkshire child who endured a hoax kidnapping ordeal organised by her own scumbag of a mother. Sheridan Smith, the award-winning actress who is about to be seen in the lead role in ITV's Cilla Black biopic, may play the part of Karen Matthews, extremely jailed for the abduction and drugging of her then nine-year-old daughter in February 2008, a crime described as "despicable and inconceivable" by the judge. Shannon endured a twenty four-day ordeal before West Yorkshire police discovered her hiding under a bed with her mother's boyfriend's uncle, Michael Donovan, in a flat a mile and a half from her home in Dewsbury. It later emerged that her mother, who had made several tearful television appeals for Shannon's return, staged her daughter's disappearance and kept her captive in a ruse to collect fifty grand reward money offered by the Sun after the girl was 'found.'Matthews and Donovan were both very jailed for eight years, although it emerged in 2012 that Matthews had been released on licence after serving half of her sentence. Police said that it was possible the pair had been influenced by the international coverage of Madeleine McCann's disappearance in 2007. Award-winning writer Jeff Pope and the BBC are in talks to make the programme. Pope has previously worked on docu-dramas about the Moors murders, the Great Train Robbery, Lord Lucan and the series killers Fred and Rose West. Pope and Smith appeared together on Friday at the Edinburgh International Television Festival where he said the project would be 'extremely complex.' He was asked if Smith might be involved in the Matthews drama and said: 'Maybe, yes.' When asked if she might play Shannon Matthews' mother, Pope replied: 'Yes.' The pair worked together on the Great Train Robbery drama Mrs Biggs and on The Widower, based on the crimes of the convicted murderer Malcolm Webster, as well as the forthcoming Cilla. The drama would be made for the BBC by ITV Studios, where Pope is Head of Factual Drama as well as a writer. Pope said: 'It's very early stages; it's not been commissioned yet and the casting process hasn't even begun.' Pope also revealed in Edinburgh that he wanted to write a drama about dirty old scallywag and right rotten rotter Jimmy Savile. Pope said that he had 'not quite got the way in' yet to writing about the DJ and TV presenter who was revealed as a serial sex abuser after his death, but did not think the drama would focus on 'the man in Bacofoil' that people know from the years when the star ran marathons for charity.

A TARDIS has appeared alongside a café on the Bristol to Bath cycle path - with a Victorian-style bathroom inside. The replica of The Doctor's time machine was bought by the owners of Warmley's Waiting Room Café. They have spent the past few months turning it into the, ahem, 'Who loo', complete with flashing light and TARDIS sound effects. Owner Justin Hoggans said: 'It's got everything you need; a toilet, sink, hot and cold water and a hand dryer.' He added that he was 'a big fan' of the television show; so much so, in fact, that he seemingly liked the idea of people shitting on an aspect of it. Fandom comes in many forms, dear blog reader. Some odder than others. Hoggans said: 'This is a replica [TARDIS], made by a carpenter in York. We've got a doorbell we can press in the café that makes the sound go off, so we do it when someone's having their photograph taken outside - which is quite often. The light is operated off a motion sensor so as someone goes into the toilet, the lights inside and on top of the box go on to indicate the toilet's in use.' Is there any better way to let the world know that you're taking a dump, one wonders? He added: 'We needed a toilet to operate. We've got public toilets just opposite us, but they were shut down for about three weeks last summer. We thought, if we're going to have it let's make a feature of it.'

And, on that bombshell, here's yer actual Top Telly Tips:-

Saturday 30 August
'The answer to my next question must be honest and cold considered, without kindness or restraint. Clara, be my pal, tell me ... am I a good man?' A Dalek fleet surrounds a lone rebel ship in the latest episode of Doctor Who - 7:30 BBC1 - Phil Ford's Into The Dalek. Looking, it must be said, pure dead hard. The Doctor is the only person who can help the ship's crew, but he needs Clara by his side as he, once again, faces his arch-enemies. The Doctor is confronted with a decision that could change The Daleks forever, being forced to examine his conscience as he tries to find the answer to the question 'Am I a good man?' Popular family SF adventure, starring yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self. The episode also features the début of Sam Anderson as Danny Pink and guest appearances from the great Michael Smiley (Spaced, Wire In The Blood, Luther), Sherlock's Zawe Ashton and Ben Crompton (Ideal, Games of Thrones).

The talent extravaganza The X Factor returns for its eleventh series - 8:00 ITV - with some important changes. For a kick-off Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crosssroads is back on the judging panel for the first time since 2010, former guest judge Mel B takes a permanent role on the show and The Heaton Horror Cheryl Cole has also signed up for a return. But, she's now Cheryl Fernandez-Versini following her whirlwind wedding to some bloke you've never heard of in July. Or, just plain Cheryl. Possibly. Who, in all honesty, gives a toss about absolute bollocks like that? Show stalwart Louis Walsh completes the line-up as the experts search for the nation's next singing sensation. In the nastiest and most humiliating fashion possible. For the 'entertainment' of gawking voyeurs across the land. As with last year, there's an X Factor double bill every week from the beginning, kicking off with the 'popular' closed-room auditions. The minimum age for acts has now also been lowered to fourteen, creating more opportunities for all the budding Justin Biebers out there. Dermot O'Dreary hosts.

You've probably seen the Victoria Coren Mitchell-voiced trailers for BBC4's latest Scandinavian import, Crimes Of Passion which starts tonight at 9:00 and concerns a trio of Swedes who wear nice clothes and solve crime. In Bergslagen in the 1950s, amateur sleuth Puck Ekstedt, her student boyfriend Einar Bure and their police superintendent friend Christer Wijk set out to solve a series of murders. In the first episode, a female guest is killed at a university tutor's summer house on a secluded island. Looks rather good in a kind of Marple type way. Swedish crime drama with English subtitles, starring Tuva Novotny, Linus Wahlgren and Ola Rapace.

This penultimate episode of True Detective - 9:00 Sky Living - is famous for the scene where Marty (Woody Harrelson) is convinced to re-open a murder case that was closed seventeen years previously. His former partner Rust (Matthew McConaughey) plays him a crackly videotape of ritual child abuse – of course the audience doesn't actually see that horror, but Harrelson's outraged, primal reaction and the terrible tension as we wait for it, make the idea properly indelible. Just as important to the narrative is the moment when these two ageing men, their families and careers gone through their own flaws, assure each other that they're happy and carefree; a quick montage of TV dinners and bin bags full of bottles suggests otherwise. So it is that the ex-cops go back to the first leads in the Dora Lange case, back to hard investigative work, back to the start of this misty, circular story. Delving deep into pure horror is all they have left.

Sunday 31 August
Former The Fast Show colleagues John Thomson and Simon Day head off to Argentina to learn the ways of the country's rugged cowboys and national icons ahead of them participating in a cattle drive in the foothills of the Andes in the first of the two part The Two Amigos: A Gaucho Adventure - 9:00 BBC2. After a hair-raising, pot-hole dodging drive, they arrive at La Pelada Estancia near the small town of Esquina, Simon and John's home for a week of intense training. Head honcho Dario Gallardo soon has the pair bedecked in traditional ponchos and riding on two of the ranch's sturdiest horses, preparing them for their three-day ride in the wilds of Patagonia.
Yer actual Sir Tony of Robinson his very self uncovers the shocking truth behind some of the most gruesome events of the Nineteenth century, when criminals would steal corpses from graves to sell on to surgeons who were desperate for bodies to examine in a Time Team special Secrets Of The Bodysnatchers at 8:00 on Channel Four. Recent research shows that the horror continued long after The Anatomy Act was introduced in 1832. The new law was supposed to put a stop to the trade by allowing workhouses and poor hospitals to sell cadavers for dissection. They were only allowed to deal in those unclaimed by families, but over a period of one hundred years, about one hundred and twenty five thousand bodies were traded without the prior permission of the deceased.

The locals are in a celebratory mood as Edmund and Harriet prepare for their wedding, and despite Norma's opposition, Gilbert and Agnes get married in the chapel in the latest episode of The Village - 9:00 BBC1. The land debate continues as Bert and Phoebe are caught trespassing on the Allinghams' estate, and Grace defies John despite his best efforts to make things right between them. Her decision to join Robin and the villagers in a protest over access rights at the Big House has dramatic consequences when Bill Gibby returns in time for the supposedly peaceful walk. Classy period drama, starring Maxine Peake, John Simm and Rupert Evans.

First shown in 2008, the opening victim in scriptwriter Alan Plater's genteel puzzle And The Moonbeams Kiss The Sea, tonight's episode of Lewis - 8:00 ITV - is a self-consciously 'quirky' and very annoying female student. Which, frankly, is more than enough motive to bump her off. She runs bogus heritage tours of Oxford and is found extremely dead with a snippet of a Shelley poem in her pocket. 'I met murder on the way', indeed. What can I say, dear blog reader, this blogger did English A level. I didn't say I passed, mind you. Nevertheless, a major fan of Percy Bysshe his very self is yer actual Keith Telly Topping. Anyway, back to Lewis. Another victim is soon discovered in the Bodleian Library. If you're gonna get done-in, it might as well be in world-renowned academic surroundings, rather out the back by the bins. The suspects in both cases are supercilious university professors. Cue wry and discontented looks from Robbie Lewis and James Hathaway (the always excellent Kevin Whately and Laurence Fox). They find themselves investigating the death of a maintenance engineer found very shot in the head in the basement of the Bodleian. A search of the man's house reveals a stash of valuable volumes and a connection to the local Gamblers Anonymous group, and the detectives go on to expose a scam involving two Oxford academics. Drama, guest starring former Drop The Dead Donkey co-stars Neil Pearson and Haydn Gwynne, with Clare Holman and Rebecca Front.

Monday 1 September
In this week's episode of New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1 - the UCoS team looks into the death of a terrorist thirty years previously after his daughter receives an anonymous note claiming that he was extremely murdered. It's an investigation which takes them back to the Greenham Common anti-nuclear protests. Which is, of course, a damned good excuse for Gerry Standing to orate a whole series of atypical rants about 'loony leftie' and all that. Some things, it would seem, never change. Meanwhile, Sasha agrees to go for dinner with her ex-husband Ned, which he is hoping will lead to a reconciliation. Tamzin Outhwaite, Dennis Waterman, Denis Lawson and Nicholas Lyndhurst star, with guest appearances from Barnaby Kay, Charlotte Cornwell and Patricia Potter.

Return To Betjemanland - 9:00 BBC4 - is a rather classy-looking documentary focusing on the life and work of John Betjeman, the writer and broadcaster who was Poet Laureate from 1972 until his death in 1984. Betjeman's biographer, AN Wilson, visits places of significance to the poet, travelling through the so-called 'Betjemanland' - which consists of areas in London, Oxford, Cornwall, Somerset and Berkshire. In doing so, the presenter paints a portrait of his subject's complexity, and reveals how he adopted a somewhat contradictory approach to social class and religion. That's followed at 10pm by a welcome repeat of Metroland, Betjeman's memorable 1973 BBC documentary in which he took a nostalgic look at the branch lines of the London Underground's Metropolitan Line and their meanderings through suburban Middlesex, Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire.

Yer actual Victoria Coren Mitchell her very self returns with the cult quiz show Only Connect as it moves from BBC4 to BBC2 - 8:30, straight after University Challenge. Another batch of contestants using patience, lateral thinking and sheer inspiration try to make connections between four things which may appear, at first, not to be linked in the slightest. The opening edition of the tenth series features a trio of 'political enthusiasts' (who in the name of all that's holy can be enthusiastic about politics or politicians? That's a complete contradiction in terms). They're taking on three cat lovers, with one set of clues consisting of a theatre on Londons' Argyll Street, a golf club, a UK policeman and the US five-cent coin.
In Fifty Ways To Kill Your Mammy - 9:00 Sky1 - Irish 'daredevil presenter' Baz Ashmawy and his seventy one-year-old mother, Nancy, embark on the trip of a lifetime and attempt to complete every item on an extreme bucket list which Baz has created for her. Their second stop is Morocco, where Nance learns how to charm snakes, before Baz persuades her to take part in an off-road race, the International Rally. Later, Nancy treks across the desert for a more comfortable ride on a camel, before performing a Berber dance routine. The presenter then tests his mother's head for heights as the duo take a hot-air balloon ride across the Sahara.

Tuesday 2 September
The work of Steve and Sarah Bennett, who run a jewellery shopping channel broadcasting to Europe and North America twenty four hours a day is the subject of Gems TV - 9:00 ITV. With a turnover of around one hundred million smackers a year, part of the family's success lies in their business method - purchasing direct from the mines and keeping costs low - but there are problems on the horizon. There's an urgent need for new on-screen presenting talent in the run-up to Christmas and supplies of the best-selling gemstone - Tanzanite - are fast running out. Narrated by Liza Tarbuck.

Businessman Gabriel Ortiz is suspicious of the verdict that the death of his eighteen-year-old daughter Ana in Mexico was drug-related and calls on Doc Robbins, who he is friends with through their charity work to help him find some answers in the latest episode of CSI - 9:00 Channel Five. The medical examiner agrees to look into the case and heads south of the border accompanied by Nick Stokes, who acts as translator. Meanwhile, back in Las Vegas, Sara and Greg investigate two concrete-covered bodies found buried in a garage, and uncover an unlikely connection between this case and the death of Ana Ortiz.

The search for Danny intensifies as Charlie and her friends close in on Neville and his men in Revolution - 10:00 on Pick. However, the militia leader is not willing to give up his hostage without a fight and has resurrected a forgotten technology to help him stay one step ahead of the rebels. Drama taking place in a post-apocalyptic dystopian future, starring Giancarlo Esposito and Tracy Spiridakos.
The final part of Super Senses: The Secret Power of Animals - 9:00 BBC2 - explores the world of scent and examines the animals that have pushed their sense of smell far beyond human capabilities. In the Bahamas, physicist Helen Czerski dives into shark-infested waters with only a small pouch of liquid as her defence against them, while biologist Patrick Aryee controls the behaviour of a swarm of bees by using tiny traces of scent, and gets uncomfortably close to a skunk.

Wednesday 3 September
Our Zoo is a gentle-looking period drama based on the true story of the Mottershead family, who made a huge personal sacrifice to establish Chester Zoo in the 1930s - despite staunch opposition from the locals. George Gently's Lee Ingleby heads a fine cast as the ex-serviceman George, still haunted by memories of the trenches of the First World War and frustrated that he and his family have to live with his parents. An animal lover, he is unable to stand by while an unwanted monkey and camel are put down in the quarantine bay at the docks, so he houses the animals in his mum and dad's backyard. The family think he is losing his mind - but, for George it's the spark of an idea. Liz White from Life On Mars, Anne Reid, Ralf Little and Sophia Myles co-star.

Twenty-five years after the World Wide Web was created, the issue of surveillance has become the greatest controversy of its existence. With many concerned that governments and corporations can monitor people's every move, the Horizon documentary Inside The Dark Web - 9:00 BBC2 - meets hackers and scientists who are using technology to fight back, as well as the law enforcement officers who believe it's leading to opportunities for risk-free crimes. With contributors including World Wide Web creator Tim Berners-Lee and WikiLeaks co-founder - and international fugitive from justice - Julian Assange.

The events that led Lorraine Thorpe to become Britain's youngest female double murderer at the age of fifteen are covered in Countdown To Murder: Killer Schoolgirl - 8:00 Channel Five. She and forty one-year-old Paul Clarke tortured and killed their friend Rosalyn Hunt in a sick orgy of horrific violence, before smothering Thorpe's own father, Desmond, to death with a cushion after he threatened to go to the police and reveal the details of their dreadful, hellish crimes. The programme features interviews with Rosalyn's brother as well as detectives from the joint Norfolk and Suffolk investigation team.

There's live international football on ITV (so, there coverage will be apocalyptically piss-poor, as usual). England play Norway (kick-off 8.00pm) in a friendly match at Wembley as England play their first fixture since their hugely disappointing World Cup campaign. Roy Hodgson's young men returned from their brief trip to Brazil without a victory from their fixtures against Italy, Uruguay and Costa Rica, and are also now without their captain for that tournament, Steven Gerrard, who has since announced his retirement from international football. Which might come as a considerable surprise to many England viewers who assumed he'd retired years ago. Hodgson may be tempted to add more new faces to his line-up this evening depending on performances in the opening weeks of the Premier League season, as he aims to find a winning formula ahead of Monday's Euro 2016 qualifier against Switzerland. Presented by odious, worthless breakfast TV flop, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles, with commentary by Clive Tyldesley and Andy 'you know nothing' Townsend, and a singular lack of analysis by Lee Dixon and Glenn Hoddle.

Thursday 4 September
Saucy Sheridan Smith, who went from singing with her parents in the working men's clubs near their North Lincolnshire home to successful stage performances in Little Shop of Horrors and Legally Blonde - not to mention her countless TV appearances - embarks on a journey to find out where her family's musical talents come from in the latest Who Do You Think You Are? - 9:00 BBC1. Shezza is soon hot on the trail of her great-great-grandfather Benjamin Doubleday, a world-class banjo player and musical impresario - but she is surprised by his change in fortunes.
Castles In The Sky - 9:00 BBC2 - is a fine-looking fact-based drama about the development of Britain's radar system during the 1930s by Robert Watson-Watt and his team of relatively unproven and unknown scientists, an invention which was to prove decisive during the Battle of Britain and the subsequent air war. Watson-Watt's ambition was initially dismissed by the Oxbridge-dominated establishment - including Winston Churchill - while he and his colleagues were disregarded as a bunch of 'weathermen' from provincial universities. They continued to strive to achieve their dreams against all odds, to the detriment of their personal lives and at the cost of some of their marriages. An excellent cast is led by Eddie Izzard, Laura Fraser, Tim McInnerny and Julian Rhind-Tutt. Highly recommended.
You're a bit spoiled for choice for new drama tonight, dear blog reader. Chasing Shadows - 9:00 ITV - follows a missing-persons unit on the hunt for serial killers. After he criticises police procedure in the aftermath of a murderer's capture, Detective Sergeant Sean Stone's superiors want him out of the way, so they assign him to a new unit at the MPB with analyst Ruth Hattersley. However, the case of a vanished sixteen-year-old girl soon has the unorthodox detective back out in the field with his new partner. Looking into a spate of teen suicides, he believes he has discovered a killer preying on vulnerable youngsters. Starring Reece Shearsmith, Alex Kingston and Noel Clarke. This one looks quite promising as well.
The updated version of the classic 1980s soap Dallas returns - 10:00 Channel Five - with the Ewings united after having vanquished old enemy Cliff Barnes. Sue Ellen is busy planning John Ross and Pamela's wedding, but the groom clashes with Bobby over their joint ownership of Southfork Ranch - and also begins an affair with Emma. Elena's return makes it clear her relationship with Christopher is irreparably damaged, and the arrival of a mysterious stranger puts everyone's plans at risk. Starring Patrick Duffy, Josh Henderson and Jesse Metcalfe.

Friday 5 September
In tonight's Mastermind - 8:00 BBC2 - John Humphrys invites four more contestants to take their place in the famous black chair, where they answer questions on the specialist subjects of champagne, the Manhattan Project, Italian photographer Tina Modotti and cult 1960s TV series The Prisoner. They then have a chance to demonstrate their general knowledge in the final round.

Chef Gino D'Acampo sets off on another tour of his home country, this time exploring the North of Italy in the second series of Gino's Italian Escape - 7:30 ITV. In the first edition he examines the food that has shaped the city of Florence, beginning by tackling the bistecca alla Fiorentina - a thick and juicy steak - before preparing sliced T-bone with a colourful courgette ribbon and goat's cheese salad. He then heads to the town of Prato, sampling a pastry chef's speciality brioche buns with an aromatic, creamy filling, and conjuring up his own dessert of apple poached in red wine with amaretti biscuit cream.

The friends gather for Joyce's retirement party, where John has made a tribute video - but forgotten to ask Trevor for his contribution - and Maureen latches onto a trendy young couple in Boomers - 9:00 BBC1. Alan also has bad news that might ruin proceedings - unless the guest of honour spoils it first by confronting her neighbour about her kids' unruly behaviour. Alison Steadman and Philip Jackson star in the sitcom, with Russ Abbot, Stephanie Beacham, Paula Wilcox and James Smith.

To the news now: Allowing sectors of the UK TV industry to be bought up by US media companies poses a risk to the UK's tradition of innovation and risk-taking, the head of Channel Four has suggested. 'Our free-to-air channels have become must-have accessories,' David Abraham told an audience in Edinburgh. Independent production firms, he said, had been 'snapped up almost wholesale.' He called on politicians and regulators to act 'decisively' to safeguard public service broadcasting in the UK. MTV Viacom's recent four hundred and fifty million smackers acquisition of Channel Five and the purchase of All3Media, producer of shows including Skins and Midsomer Murders, by Discovery Communications and Liberty Global showed the UK's television industry 'risks becoming a victim of its own success', Channel Four's chief executive continued. Abraham, who has been with the channel since 2010, made his remarks while delivering this year's James MacTaggart Memorial Lecture at the Edinburgh International Television Festival. Last year's MacTaggart lecture was given by Kevin Spacey, who used his speech to champion streaming services like Netflix, the producer of his acclaimed House Of Cards series. According to Abraham, Spacey's show, along with many others, owed its success to a creative gambit taken initially by a British public service broadcaster. 'Would Netflix have bought a show about a murderous politician who broke the "fourth wall" of drama if the BBC hadn't taken that risky decision, decades before?' he asked. 'This special landscape of ours did not happen by accident. So we should not assume that, left purely to the market, it will continue to thrive.' Abraham's speech included a plea to Ofcom and the government to 'update and strengthen the PSB system, the system that has delivered so spectacularly for UK viewers and for UK PLC.' His call for increased protection of Channel Four and other public service broadcasters prompted a robust response from the Commercial Broadcasters Association, the UK industry body for digital, cable and satellite broadcasters. The UK broadcasting sector, it said in a statement, 'benefits hugely from an increasingly mixed ecology, with a wide range of players, both PSB and non-PSB, investing in different forms of domestic production. Intervention that damages one part of this sector in favour of another risks undermining this success and putting at risk the UK's status as a global television hub.' Coba's members include FOX, NBC Universal and other US broadcasters which operate in the UK. BSkyB also rejected Abraham's suggestion that PSB broadcasters should be financially recompensed for allowing their stations to be viewed via Pay-TV platforms. The proposal, said Graham McWilliam, Sky's group director of corporate affairs 'amounts to a discriminatory tax on millions of licence fee-paying viewers to watch public service content that is supposed to be free.' Channel Four, he added, 'should not be allowed to walk away from the obligations of universally free access which come with the very significant benefits of public service status.' The BBC used to pay Sky four and a half million quid a year to transmit on its platforms. The two broadcasters reached an agreement in February to drop the fee completely. Though largely spared criticism in Abraham's wide-ranging address, the BBC did not wholly escape some crass, agenda-soaked whigning. The corporation 'should be taking more risks', he said, going to suggest that shifting BBC3's output onto the iPlayer would see the service 'buried [more] thoroughly [than] radioactive waste. Subject to approval from the BBC Trust, we hope our exciting plans for BBC3 will set a new bar in engagement with young audiences,' the BBC responded.
Sir Cliff Richard has been formally interviewed under caution in connection with an alleged historical sexual offence, South Yorkshire Police has said. Sir Cliff met officers by appointment and was not arrested or charged. It comes after police searched his home in Sunningdale, Berkshire, on 14 August as part of their investigation. The veteran singer strongly denies the alleged offence, saying that the claim of an assault at a religious event in Sheffield in 1985 is 'completely false.' South Yorkshire Police confirmed that it had 'spoken' to 'a seventy three-year-old man.' A police spokesman said: 'The man was interviewed under caution but was not arrested. He entered South Yorkshire Police premises by arrangement.' A spokesman for Cliff his very self said: 'Today Sir Cliff Richard voluntarily met with and was interviewed by members of South Yorkshire Police. He was not arrested or charged. He co-operated fully with officers and answered the questions put to him. Other than restating that this allegation is completely false and that he will continue to co-operate fully with the police, it would not be appropriate for Sir Cliff to say anything further at this time.' The BBC has been criticised for its coverage of the search after it found out about the operation in advance and sent cameras to Sir Cliff's home when officers arrived. The BBC has previously confirmed that its 'source' relating to the police investigation was not the South Yorkshire force itself. The BBC says that its journalists 'acted appropriately' in its coverage but the police - scrambling to cover their own back, it would seem - have accused the corporation of a 'cover-up' afterwards over what it had known. The bosses of both the BBC and the South Yorkshire Police have been summoned to appear before the Home Affairs Select Committee to explain how the broadcaster knew of the search in advance. South Yorkshire's police chief has attacked the BBC's 'disproportionate' coverage of the search, accusing the corporation of making the raid look 'heavy-handed and intrusive.' Although, given that they were raiding the bloke's gaff, it's difficult to fathom how they reckon it wasn't intrusive. Crompton's letter accused the corporation of attempting to 'distance itself' from the force's handling of the search with a heavily critical piece by a BBC journalist who described the house search as 'a deliberate attempt by the police to ensure maximum coverage.' This criticism was made even though the journalist was 'aware' that South Yorkshire police was not the original source of the leak, Crompton said. He added: 'This appeared to be an attempt by the BBC to distance itself from what had taken place and cover up the fact that it had initiated contact with the force about the story. This was misleading and was known by the BBC to be inaccurate.' The use of the horribly loaded phrase 'cover up' - designed, one imagines, to provide maximum headlines from the Daily Scum Mail and its ilk - is particularly interesting in this case since, of course, South Yorkshire police know all about cover-ups.

Meanwhile, a Tory MP has criticised government interference in the search for the next chair of the BBC Trust. Conor Burns, a member of John Whittingdale's House of Commons lack of culture select committee, was also critical of the government's 'enthusiasm' to appoint a woman to the job 'simply because it's a woman rather than go out and find the best person to do that job.' Burns, who described the BBC as 'a brilliant advertisement to the world', said the corporation had been 'wrong' to broadcast live pictures from the police search of Cliff Richard's home but said it was 'premature' to call Director General Tony Hall to give evidence before MPs. Hall will appear before the home affairs select committee, chaired by full-of-his-own-importance Keith Vaz. Burns told the Edinburgh International Television Festival on Saturday: 'What I hope doesn't happen, and I know some in my party will want to see it happen, I hope the BBC doesn't become a political football.' Asked by BBC broadcaster Kirsty Wark whether the Trust chair appointment had been massively interfered with by the government, Burns said: 'Yes it is and I regret that. I do regret that the government seems to have decided to appoint a woman simply because it's a woman rather than go out and find the best person in the marketplace to do that job. I regret that enormously. I also think the structure of the Trust should be changed. The chairman should be brought back inside the building and much more closely aligned to the Director General.' Speaking afterwards, Burns said of the corporation's coverage of the raid on Richard's home: 'For the first time in broadcasting history the major news channel carried a raid of someone who had not been arrested or charged. I think it was extraordinary editorially to take a decision to broadcast a raid on a man's house when he had not been charged or arrested. We haven't asked the Director General to appear before the culture, media and sport select committee. I think it is probably premature. I would like to wait until the end of the process and see what happens before we do anything like that.'

A former psychologist for the TV show Big Brother was sacked unfairly by the University of Manchester, an employment tribunal has ruled. Professor Geoff Beattie was sacked for not disclosing the full extent of his media and broadcasting work. But the tribunal said that although Professor Beattie had 'breached' university policies, it was unfair to sack him for his first disciplinary offence. A future hearing will decided the remedy for his dismissal. During his time as professor of psychology at the University between 1994 and 2012, Professor Beattie had a high media profile as a commentator and academic. He acted as the 'resident psychologist' throughout ten series of the (then) Channel Four show Big Brother. The tribunal heard that the University encouraged outside work from academic staff and used Professor Beattie's media profile as a way to attract potential students. However he was disciplined in 2012 for 'failing to disclose the full extent of his outside work, with some going beyond broadcasting related activities and into private consultancy.' It was alleged that he had 'failed to account' to the university for the 'resources' he had used during this work, particularly the time spent by his research assistants. He was sacked for gross misconduct in November 2012 as a result. The panel said: 'Whilst it was reasonable to conclude that his actions had been in breach of the relevant policies, it was unfair to dismiss him for what was a first disciplinary offence. He had not acted dishonestly or deliberately breached the policies and his long service and excellent record with the university should have been given greater weight.' The University said that it would be 'considering its position in due course.'

Oscar-winning British film director Richard Attenborough has died at the age of ninety, his son has confirmed. Lord Attenborough was one of Britain's leading actors, before becoming a highly successful director and prodcuer. In a career which spanned seven decades, he appeared in numerous films including Brighton Rock, The Great Escape and, later, in the dinosaur blockbuster Jurassic Park. As a director he was perhaps best known for Gandhi, which won him two Oscars. Sir Ben Kingsley, who played the title role, said he would 'miss him dearly. Richard Attenborough trusted me with the crucial and central task of bringing to life a dream it took him twenty years to bring to fruition. When he gave me the part of Gandhi it was with great grace and joy. He placed in me an absolute trust and in turn I placed an absolute trust in him and grew to love him.'Jurassic Park director Steven Spielberg said Lord Attenborough was passionate about everything in his life. He made a gift to the world with his emotional epic Gandhi and he was the perfect ringmaster to bring the dinosaurs back to life as John Hammond in Jurassic Park,' Spielberg said. 'He was a dear friend and I am standing in an endless line of those who completely adored him.' Attenborough had been in a nursing home with his wife for a number of years. His son told the BBC that Lord Attenborough died at lunchtime on Sunday. During a career spanning almost seventy years, the irrepressible Dickie Attenborough became one of Britain's best-known actors and directors: a man of charm, talent and old-fashioned liberal principles. What one writer described as 'an apparently unquenchable appetite for doing good', Dickie himself attributed to his upbringing in Leicester. Richard Samuel Attenborough was born on 29 August 1923 in Cambridge. He and his two younger brothers - David, the TV naturalist (b 1926) and John (1928-2012) - were brought up by fervently do-gooding parents. Both were Labour Party activists whose commitment extended to adopting two Jewish refugee girls from Germany when World War II broke out. From his parents, Richard inherited a belief in the importance of community and society. Apart from a brief flirtation with the Social Democrats in the 1980s, he was a lifelong member of the Labour Party, and much of his work reflected his political beliefs. Richard was born in Cambridge, the eldest of three sons of Mary Attenborough, a founding member of the Marriage Guidance Council and Frederick Levi Attenborough, a scholar and academic administrator who was a fellow at Emmanuel College, Cambridge, and wrote a standard text on Anglo-Saxon law. Richard was educated at Wyggeston Grammar School for Boys in Leicester where his father became principal of University College. He later studied at RADA. Richard made his film début while he was still a drama student in 1942, playing a memorable cameo role as a stoker on a naval destroyer in Noel Coward's In Which We Serve, a role which would help to type-cast Richard for several years afterwards as spivs or cowards in films like London Belongs To Me (1948) and Morning Departure (1950). Over the next thirty years - interrupted by three years' service in the RAF where, following initial pilot training he was seconded to the newly formed RAF Film Unit at Pinewood Studios, under the command of Flight Lieutenant John Boulting before a spell with Bomber Command - he became one of Britain's most reliable character actors. Another notable early appearance was a small role in Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger's 1946 masterpiece A Matter Of Life And Death. Arguably, Richard's most astonishing performance was his chilling portrayal, in 1947, of the teenage hoodlum and murderer Pinky Brown in Brighton Rock. On stage, he was part of the original cast of Agatha Christie's long-running whodunnit, The Mousetrap. Richard worked prolifically in British films for the next thirty years, including appearing in several successful comedies for John and Roy Boulting, such as Private's Progress (1956) and, with Peter Sellers, in I'm All Right Jack (1959). He later became a fixture of British television Christmases as the doomed Roger Bartlett in the 1963 prison camp drama The Great Escape. In 1964 he won a best actor BAFTA for his portrayal of the downtrodden husband of a deranged spiritualist in Seance On A Wet Afternoon. The award also recognised his performance as a martinet sergeant major facing a native uprising in Guns At Batasi. He also won two Golden Globes for his performances in The Sand Pebbles and Doctor Doolittle. His greatest skill as an actor was the sympathetic embodiment of ordinary though never mundane men in extraordinary circumstances. It served him especially well in 1971 when he played the serial killer John Christie - outwardly normal, in reality a chilling psychopath - in Ten Rillington Place. But he had become frustrated with acting, in which he only interpreted other people's work. He began producing films in the 1960s - The League of Gentlemen, The Angry Silence, Whistle Down The Wind, The L-Shaped Room - before turning to directing. 'Becoming a director enabled me to do things I couldn't do as an actor,' he said. He was a film-maker with a mission, believing popular cinema had a capacity to make the world a better place. His greatest achievement was his 1982 epic Gandhi, starring Ben Kingsley as the outsider hero whose moral courage and sense of purpose enabled him to change the world. Gandhi won eight Oscars, including best actor and best director. But it took Attenborough twenty years to raise the money to make it. He mortgaged his house, sold possessions and took roles in films he described as 'terrible crap' to help pay for what became an obsession. Along the way he directed other films. There was a version of Joan Littlewood's anti-war musical satire Oh! What A Lovely War. There was Young Winston, about Churchill's early years, and the war epic A Bridge Too Far. After Gandhi came his adaptation of the musical A Chorus Line. That was followed by Cry Freedom, the story of the murdered South African activist Steve Biko and Donald Woods, the journalist who took up his cause. Like Gandhi, Cry Freedom was both a box office and a critical success. Like Gandhi, it was anti-racist, anti-imperialist and impeccably liberal, as well as a strong, eminently watchable drama. Both films were a perfect mirror of their creator, wearing their political hearts defiantly on their sleeves. And both were criticised for being overblown, overlong, sentimental and even patronising, largely by scumbag glakes of no importance. Some of Richard's films were flops. His 1992 biopic of Charlie Chaplin failed to make money, while Grey Owl, about a pioneering Canadian Indian environmentalist who turned out to have been born in Hastings, went straight to video in the US. His final film, 2007's Closing The Ring, was judged to be a muted finale to a distinguished directorial career. But Shadowlands, released fourteen years earlier with Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger, was a commercial and critical success. The story of children's writer CS Lewis and his late love affair with American poet Joy Gresham was an unashamed and astonishingly effective tear-jerker. It befitted a film by a man who was himself famous, even notorious, for weeping in public. Late in life Richard resumed his own acting career in Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park in 1993. He also starred as Kris Kringle in Miracle On Thirty Fourth Street and was terrific as William Cecil in Shekhar Kapur's Elizabeth (1998). As well as being one of Britain's foremost actors and directors, Lord Attenborough was also one of its most active public figures. His patronage extended to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, the British Film Institute, Capital Radio, Channel Four, the Tate Gallery, the Muscular Dystrophy Group and his beloved Moscow Chelski Football Club. He put down his - much parodied - habit of addressing everyone as 'darling' to serving on so many committees with so many people that he was never able to remember everyone's name. Reportedly at a Downing Street seminar in the early 1980s on the parlous state of the British film industry, the then Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, expressed deep concern. 'Why wasn't I told?' she asked. 'Darling, you never asked,' Attenborough is said to have replied. His personal life was apparently irreproachable. His marriage to the actress Sheila Sim was one of the longest-running in showbusiness. They married in 1945 and had three children, including the theatre director Michael Attenborough. Tragedy struck the family in 2004 when the Asian tsunami killed Richard's fourteen-year-old granddaughter Lucy Holland, as well as his daughter, Jane and her mother-in-law. Richard went on to channel his energies into supporting the Khao Lak Appeal, in aid of a Thai village struck by the tsunami. The appeal raised more than a million quid. His vast entry in Who's Who listed more than thirty organisations of which he was or had been a director, trustee, fellow, chairman or president. He was appointed a CBE in 1967 and knighted nine years later in 1976, before being made a life peer in 1993. Lord Attenborough was life president of Moscow Chelski FC, which said it was 'deeply saddened' to learn of his death. 'He led a long and successful life and always found time for the things in life he loved most, one of which was Chelsea,' the club said. 'His personality was woven into the tapestry of the club over seven decades. He was a consistent force for good at the club, even in dark times. He will be greatly missed, and the thoughts of everyone at Chelsea FC are with his family and friends at this sad time.' Richard was the subject of This Is Your Life in December 1962 when he was surprised by Eamonn Andrews at the Savoy Hotel, during a dinner held to commemorate the tenth anniversary of The Mousetrap, in which he had been an original cast member. In 1973 he was mercilessly spoofed in the British Showbiz Awards sketch during the third series of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Attenborough was portrayed by Eric Idle as effusive and simpering and constantly bursting into tears, a parody which, though perhaps a shade cruel, Richard himself reportedly found 'hilarious'. In 2012 Attenborough was portrayed by Simon Callow in the BBC4 Kenny Everett biopic The Best Possible Taste. In October 2012, it was announced that Richard was putting the family home, Old Friars, with its attached offices, Beaver Lodge on the market for £11.5 million. His brother David stated: 'He and his wife both loved the house, but they now need full-time care. It simply isn't practical to keep the house on any more.' Richard had great charm and immense energy and knew how to use both. The public saw a gregarious theatrical extrovert, but beneath the gush there was a determined and decisive man. Throughout an extraordinarily busy life he remained passionately committed to his chosen craft of film-making. And he always believed films should be more than merely entertainment - while never forgetting that before they could do anything else, they had to entertain. He is survived by his wife, Shiela, his surviving children, Michael and Charlotte, seven grandchildren and his brother David.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45(s) of the Day positive proof, deal blog reader that, if an idea is worth using once ...
... it's worth using again.

'So, what do we do with the moral Dalek, then?''Get into its head.'
'You asked me if you were a good man. The answer is, I don't know. But I think you try to be. And I think that's, probably, the point.' Almost without exception in Doctor Who's history, each new Doctor had not had to wait very long before facing-off against his oldest and most persistent enemies. True, Mister Pertwee was two years into his tenure before he got a whiff of the pepperpots in The Day Of The Daleks - though that was more to do with certain contractual malarkey which existed at the time rather than any specific decision (or lack of it) on the part of the then production team. Similarly, Peter Davison also had two Dalek-less seasons before the unholy bloody carnage that was Resurrection Of The Daleks  - though, on that occasion, but for a BBC strike, that particular story would have been filmed a year earlier, in 1983, as part of season twenty. But, the third and fifth Doctors aside, every other new regeneration has managed to find The Daleks crowbarred into one of their first handful of adventures. Or, in Paul McGann's case, crowbarred into the opening scene of the 1996 TV movie for no obvious reason that made any sense to anyone. Some of these stories have been significantly better than others, it must be admitted - compare, for instance, the genuinely ground-breaking Genesis Of The Daleks, one of the highlights of the Sylvester McCoy's era Remembrance Of The Daleks or, indeed, the wonderfully thought-provoking 2005 Christopher Eccleston vehicle Dalek with the over-confusing, shoot 'em up mess of Resurrection or the sadly 'full of sound and fury, signifying nothing'Victory Of The Daleks. Terry Nation's bug-eyed monsters have, for better or worse, been a unifying presence in Doctor Who since December 1963 and it's only right and proper that each, successive, lead actor gets his own chance to run up some stairs away from them. (Technically, not applicable since 1989, but still they try.)
'Welcome to the most dangerous place in the universe.'Into The Dalek - the second episode of the eighth series of Doctor Who - was written by Phil Ford and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, the second of a two-episode block directed by Ben Wheatley. It entered production at the end of January 2014 (it was mostly completed by the third week of February allowing Ford the opportunity to attend the annual Gallifrey One convention in Los Angeles). Ford had written previously for the popular family SF drama, co-authoring with Russell Davies 2009's genuinely disturbing The Waters Of Mars. Luckily for Phil, he had a bit of guidance from co-writer Moffat in terms of what kind of chap the twelfth Doctor is: 'He's like a raging Billy Connolly.' With the exception of the announcement of the introduction of a recurring character Danny Pink, a Coal Hill School colleague of (and, potential boyfriend for) Clara played by Samual Anderson, most of the guest cast for the episode was not revealed until the early summer. Which was something of a pisser for yer actual Keith Telly Topping as, for once, this blogger had a genuine twenty four carat casting scoop dumped in his lap and for reasons of self-preservation to his knackers, he didn't dare to use it. The major guest roles in the episode were occupied by Zawe Ashton (from Fresh Meat, she also played Sally Donovan in Sherlock's unaired pilot) and two actors with whom Ben Wheatley had a long association, Michael Smiley and Ben Crompton. The former is one of the most in-demand character actors on UK television, a regular face on series as diverse as Spaced (as the memorably foul-mouthed raver Tyres O'Flaherty), Bleak House, Wire In The Blood, Luther, Good Cop, Ripper Street and The Life Of Rock With Brian Pern and in movies like Shaun of the Dead, The Other Boleyn Girl, Burke & Hare and The World's End along with Wheatley's Kill List and A Field In England. Crompton also worked with Wheatley on Kill List and on the much-lamented BBC3 sitcom Ideal, as well as appearing in Clocking Off, Housewife Forty Nine, Collision, Pramface, The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher and Game Of Thrones (as Dolorous Edd). As it happens he's also a really good mate of one of Keith Telly Topping's writing partners so this blogger knew Ben had been cast in the episode last October. Dutifully (and, completely terrified of any potential wrath from high a-top the thing from The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat should he spill the beans), this blogger kept totally schtum until the BBC themselves announced the cast.
'I don't trust him.''We're not supposed to trust him, we're supposed to keep an eye on him.''Quicker just to shoot him.''Always quicker. Never smarter.'

'You'll probably feel a bit sick. Please don't be.' The plot synopsis was publicly revealed in early August though it didn't tell fans anything that they wouldn't have known from the trailer: 'A Dalek fleet surrounds a lone rebel ship and only the Doctor can help them now ... with The Doctor facing his greatest enemy, he needs Clara by his side. Confronted with a decision that could change The Daleks forever, he is forced to examine his conscience. Will he find the answer to the question, "am I a good man?"' Of course, by the time the synopsis emerged, like four other episodes from early in the season both Into The Dalek's script and, indeed, a rough cut of the episode itself had been leaked to various dark corners of the Interweb by very naughty people.
It can, perhaps, seem to be something of unwanted necessity to have a Dalek episode cropping up most years in Doctor Who, given that - as Steven Moffat has previously pointed out - they're so regularly, and easily, beaten by The Doctor. Yes, they are very popular and iconic and all that but for all their universe conquering intentions, The Daleks tend be the very definition of an alien race with jolly big ideas but, metaphorically, very small dicks. Which, you know, might explain the sink plunger. All talk, not a lot of action. To be blunt, they're a bit crap a lot of time. Yes, technically, they can blow up your entire world but, more often than not, they don't and instead fall victim to some convenient plot device. It's a valid question to wonder how you can keep on finding fresh angles on a monster which has featured on the show since its very beginnings fifty years ago? Plus, of course, there's the knotty fact that they're post-apocalyptically shit-scared of The Doctor his very self, even having their own secret name for their tormentor, The Oncoming Storm. Not, exactly, what you'd except from the most fearsome race in the cosmos. So, has Into The Dalek anything to add to the legend? Not 'af. After their last appearance in Asylum Of The Daleks effectively rewrote The Doctor and The Daleks' perceptions of each other, here was have the most intriguing of ideas, taking elements from Rob Shearman's Dalek to give the audience another curve-ball about the nature of what lies inside those knobbly metal casings. Literally, as The Doctor, Clara and a galactic resistance squad are miniaturised and venture into a 'defective', moral Dalek. In Remembrance Of The Daleks, The Doctor is asked by Group Captain Gilmore: 'What am I dealing with? Little green men?' No, he replies: 'Little green blobs in bonded-polycarbite armour.' But there is, and always has been, so much more to The Daleks than simply that. Between them, Phil and Steven have come up with a clever and a properly fresh perspective on The Daleks. Into The Dalek is about more than simply knowing your enemy. It's about recognising that their greatest strength might, just, be your own greatest weakness.
'Dalek mutants are born hating. This is what stokes the fire. Extinguishes even the tiniest glimmer of kindness or compassion. Imagine the worst possible thing in the universe and then don't bother - because you're looking at it right now. Evil refined as engineering.' Capaldi's take on The Doctor in this episode is, in places, surprisingly alien and - more than once - harshly indifferent to how that looks to others. Working more on ice cold logic than with the heat of emotion as most of his predecessors did, it would be accurate to say that whilst Deep Breath gave us a Doctor in embryo, here we have the true birth of the twelfth-that's-really-fourteenth Doctor. In effect, the episode isn't so much about The Daleks and their vast, over-complicated schemes to enslave the universe, it's more of a psychological exploration of one specific Dalek and of The Doctor, both of them physically and mentally wounded by the universe(s) they inhabit. Early in the episode Capaldi asks Clara 'Am I a good man?' It's a scene which you'll probably be familiar to viewers with from the various series trailers and it becomes the central theme for the episode as it progresses. As in Dalek, there is the question of what, conceptually, separates The Doctor from a Dalek? Remember when Chris Eccleston's Doctor was told, chillingly: 'You would make a good Dalek'? The difference might not be as pronounced as you'd think and as The Doctor would hope. Seemingly, The Doctor wasn't lying when he spoke in the last episode about making some changes after two thousand years. Capaldi continues to shape his Doctor's performance in broad strokes. Any thoughts that he might mellow after fetching the coffee at the conclusion of last week's episode is quickly shoved to one side. It could still happen of course. But, not yet. Arguably, he is more cold and clinical here than in the opener, his unsympathetic attitude often crassly conflicting with Clara's more empathic world-view. It leads to some witty exchanges and even her giving him a long-overdue slap across the chops. There's also one particular 'did he just do what I think he just did?'moment from The Doctor seemingly at odds with his established central morality which is already under question after the death of The Half-Face Man last week. Or, more charitably, pushing at the very boundaries of what is acceptable in the 'ends justify the means' column in the universe where things like Daleks exist. 'Daleks don't turn good - it was just radiation, affecting its brain chemistry, nothing more than that. No miracle.' Clara's life outside the TARDIS is glimpsed and the episode introduces the new recurring character of Danny Pink. A former soldier Danny, like Clara, is a teacher at Coal Hill School. He only gets a couple of scenes bookending the story so it's different to know exactly what to make of him as yet, other than, you know, the surface impression of 'Mickey-lite'. But, his scenes with Clara are flirty and quite fun, even if they feel,  tonally, out of place with the rest of the episode.
Continuity: Visually, and conceptually, there are strong links to Dalek, Let's Kill Hitler, Journey To The Centre Of The TARDIS, The Girl In The Fireplace, Bad Wolf and Earthshock. There are references to The Snowmen ('it's smaller on the outside' and: 'It's a bit narrow, isn't it?''Any remarks about my hips will not be appreciated'), The Invisible Enemy ('Do you shrink the surgeons so they can climb inside the patients? Fantastic idea for a movie. Terrible idea for a proctologist'), Deep Breath ('Did they tell about the "holding your breath" thing?'), The Beast Below ('Behold, the belly of the beast'), Remembrance Of The Daleks ('how are Daleks pure?'), Castrovalva and Rose ('follow me. And run!'), Asylum Of The Daleks (the 'harvesting' of victims; the Daleks having a concept of beauty), Revelation Of The Daleks ('Mortuaries and larders - always the easiest to break out of. Oh, I've lived a life!'), Time Of The Doctor ('In the silence and the cold. I saw worlds burning'), The Tenth Planet ('resistance is futile!'), The Daleks Invasion of Earth (Dalekanium), The Age Of Steel (Gretchen's self-sacrifice to save the future), Death To The Daleks and The Daleks ('All those years ago, when I began, I was just running. I called myself The Doctor, but it was just a name. And then I went to Skaro and I met you lot. And I understood who I was. Who I had to be. I was not you.')
Once again, the dialogue is cracking: 'I materialised a time capsule exactly round you and saved your life one second before your ship exploded but do, please, keep crying.' And: 'I wish I could have done more.''Then you should have.' And: 'The security on this base is absolute, so we're still going to kill you.''Oh, it's a rollercoaster with you, isn't it?!' And: 'Is the wooden sound you or the desk?' And: 'You didn't realise there was a living creature inside?''Not until it started screaming.' And: 'This is gun girl. She's got a gun and she's a girl. And this is a sort of boss one ... I think he's probably her uncle but I may have made that up to pass the time while they were talking.' And: 'We're here to shoot you dead, if you turn out to be a Dalek spy.''Well, that's a relief. I hate baby-sitters.' And: 'He'll get us out of here. The difficult part is not killing him before he can.' And: 'There never was a good Dalek. There was a broken Dalek and we repaired it'. And: 'How do I look?''Sort of short and roundish, but with a good personality, which is the main thing.' The script offers moments of sharp, sarky wit: 'Don't like soldiers much, do you?''You don't need to be liked. You have all the guns.' And: 'We're going to die in here and there's a tiny piece of you that's pleased!' There are moments of profundity: 'There's a bit more to modern soldiering than just shooting people. I like to think there's a moral dimension.''What, you shoot people and cry about it afterwards?' And: 'I thought you were saving him.''He was dead already - I was saving us!' And: 'Life returns. Life prevails. Resistance is futile.' Moments of passion: 'You're not my boss, you're one of my hobbies!' And: 'Who makes you smile? Or is no-one up to the job?''My brother, but he burned to death a couple of hours ago, so he's really letting me down today.' And: 'You saw a star born and you learned something? Oh, Dalek, do not be lying to me!' Of grace: 'Where are we going?''Into Darkness.' The Doctor and Clara 's back-and-forths are getting better all the time: 'Where the hell have you been?''You sent me for coffee.''Three weeks ago. In Glasgow.''Three weeks - that's a long time.''In Glasgow - that's dead in a ditch.''It's not my fault, I got distracted.' And: 'I'm his carer.''Yeah, my carer. She cares so I don't have to.' And: 'How do you get into a Dalek's head?''That wasn't a metaphor.' And: 'Ever microwaved a lasagne without pricking the film on top?''It explodes.''Don't be lasagne!' The script sparkles with cunning uses of pithy syntax ('An anti-climax once in a while, is good for my hearts') and humour ('Clara Oswald, do I really not pay you?''You couldn't afford me!') And when it reaches a peak like 'Is he mad or is he right?''Hand on my heart? Most days he's both!' you want to run around the living room and kiss the goldfish. 'If there's a pack of spare bulbs, break it to me gently.' And, very once in a while, there were moments of magnificence: 'Daleks do not have souls.''Oh no? Well imagine if you did.'
'You looked inside me and you saw hatred. That's not a victory. Victory would've been a good Dalek.''I am not a good Dalek. You are a good Dalek.' A smashing script, then; not, possibly, the most original of ideas but splendidly directly by Ben Wheatley - particularly The Doctor and co's splendidly trippy entry into the Dalek - and with a quality cast, Into The Dalek manages to make The Daleks (or, one Dalek, at least), intriguing again. That, in and of itself, is worthy of considerable praise. 'Endless divine perfection'? Not quite, but a damned good effort although The Doctor's new-found wariness around soldiers is jolly curious given that one of his best friends - The Brigadier - was one. And, Captain Jack was another. Also, as one of this blogger's friends pointed out Into The Dalek was good, as was Deep Breath, but one of the things that yer actual Keith Telly Topping loves most, and has always loved most, about Doctor Who is that it is not a butch, shouty, gun-heavy-SF drama with rock hard Aliens-style Space Marines and big fek-off explosions every week. In fact it only ever has been those things a handful of times across fifty years. It was gratifying to see many online fans celebrating, loudly, Capaldi's brilliant in these opening two episodes but it was also noticeable that some of these comments chose to focus on the new Doctor's supposed 'darkness' as contrasted with his immediate predecessors (something Peter himself has been trying to play down in several recent interviews, notably his pre-series appearance on The ONE Show). In a way, it's also slightly worrying that there are people who seem to wish the series was butch and shouty and gun-heavy every week, because they want a 'grim and gritty'Doctor Who which, they believe, gives the show added gravitas. It looks as if next week's Robin Hood-themed episode, written by Mark Gatiss, is more cheeky and irreverent and eccentric - and, with Ben Miller playing the Sheriff of Nottingham, hopefully, funny too. Which is what you'd want from a show that once had Pat Troughton and Tom Baker as its lead. One does, rather wonder if the gravitas-wishers will be out in force on Gallifrey Base and Twitter whinging like a Radiohead song about the lack of darkness. Time will tell. It usually does. I'm still not sure about the new music, though. And is anyone else utterly horrified that Clara is, seemingly, a Gruniad Morning Star reader? Talk about the ultimate evil.
And so, to the news: The - allegedly - controversial 'lesbian-lizard kiss' in last Saturday's Doctor Who episode will not be investigated by the media regulator, which said it 'did not discriminate between scenes involving opposite sex and same-sex couples.' Or, in other words, it is not Ofcom's job to promote homophobia. Which is jolly ice to know. Six homophobic louse-scumbags had complained to Ofcom after Peter Capaldi's first episode, Deep Breath, in which The Doctor's Silurian friend Madame Vastra kissed her human wife, Jenny. On the mouth. Hard. The pair, played by Neve McIntosh and Catrin Stewart, shared a kiss as they were forced to hold their breath as they hid from killer 'droids, prompting complaints from 'some viewers' (for which read six homophobic louse-scumbags) that it was 'gratuitous' and 'unnecessary'. A, frankly rather appalled-sounding, spokesperson for Ofcom said: 'Ofcom can confirm it received six complaints [from six homophobic louse-scumbags] about a kiss broadcast in an episode of Doctor Who on Saturday 23 August. Having assessed the complaints, we can confirm that they do not raise issues warranting further investigation. Our rules do not discriminate between scenes involving opposite sex and same-sex couples.''Discriminate.' What a very appropriate word. Sadly, Ofcom did not chose to publicly name and shame the six homophobic louse-scumbags in question although it is to be hoped that, in private, their names have been passed to the Metropolitan Police's hate crimes unit for further investigation.
For those interested in such things, Deep Breath after five days had already timeshfited approximately two million punters over its initial 'live' audience on Saturday. As of first thing on Friday morning, the consolidated audience figure for the episode was 8.89m. At the current rate it should just about get to nine million by Saturday for the final 'plus seven' figure (which would be a total timeshift of approximately 2.2 million viewers and would make it the second most-watched programme of the week after The Great British Bake Off). Those final numbers will be released by BARB early next week. No news yet on the iPlayer figures although the episode was, by a distance, the most downloaded programme of Saturday and Sunday.

Martin Freeman his very self has revealed that he found out about his EMMY win while he was in bed. With his wife, presumably. So, Amanda would have found out about it at the same time. Which is nice. The actor won the award for Best Supporting Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries for his role of John Watson in Sherlock, but was unable to attend the ceremony on Monday due to his appearance in Richard III in the West End. Sherlock also won the prize for Outstanding Writing, while yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch won the award for Best Lead Actor. Martin told BBC Radio Wales: 'I got a text from my American agent and she said, "You've just won" and I thought, "Ah, very, very nice." And then I went to sleep. I woke up to find that Ben had won and that Steven had won and that Fargo had also done really well, both shows that I was in that had been nominated did really well so I was very pleased about that.' He added: 'I'm delighted. Really pleased. Whenever you're nominated for an award you know you've got a chance but I certainly wasn't banking on it, put it that way.'
So, Monday was a night of outstanding success for Sherlock - and, by extension, for British television in general, something that no one could argue with, right? Err ... well, enter, stage right, Daily Scum Mail who somehow managed to manufacture a BBC-bashing piece out of Sherlock's EMMY triumph: This is a golden age for TV: Shame the best shows are American and the BBC’s struggling to keep pace, claims the Scum Mail's television critic. While Christopher Stevens' thesis that most of the best TV in this widely-hailed golden age is coming out of the States may have some merit too it, using Monday's EMMYs to back up his argument is properly perverse, to say the least. 'Once, Britannia ruled the airwaves, with dramas that were the envy of the world's broadcasters,' Stevens dribbles. 'But that’s ancient history and this week the EMMY awards in Los Angeles delivered fresh humiliation. American television shows swept the board.' These being, of course, the same awards at which Sherlock won a total of seven EMMYs, when the four from the Creative Arts awards earlier this month are included, topping the six that Downton Abbey's first series picked up in 2011 (although Downton did get four of the more prestigious Primetime awards to Sherlock's three). This level of success at the Primetime EMMYs is pretty much unprecedented for British shows in the event's sixty five-year history. 'American television shows swept the board,' claims Stevens. Which, Sherlock aside is true. But, they've always swept the board until Downton and Sherlock. It is, after all, an American TV awards event – British shows such as Downton and Sherlock only qualify in the first place because they're co-productions with American broadcasters. Just as British shows tend to sweep the boards at the BAFTAs. Because they're British. Downton won eleven EMMYs across its first three series, before missing out this year as Sherlock picked up the baton. Both are massive ratings hits for public service broadcaster PBS, which also airs Call The Midwife while shows including Doctor Who, Broadchurch and Luther, broadcast on cable channel BBC America, are critically lauded and commercial hits relative to the size of the broadcaster. So, well done the Scum Mail for yet another agenda-soaked piece of rancid phlegm so inaccurate and badly written it's almost funny. Almost, dear blog reader, but not quite.
In The Club remained on top of Tuesday's ratings outside soaps, according to overnight data. The BBC1 drama brought in a more than 4.45 million viewers on average, slightly down from last week's 4.49m. On BBC2, Young Vets was seen by 1.29m at 7pm, followed by Russia's Lost Princesses with 1.51m at 8pm and Super Senses with 1.37m at 9pm. ITV's repeat of Ade At Sea appealed to but 2.41m at 7.30pm, while a Midsomer Murders repeat was seen by 2.55m at 8pm. On Channel Four, Dogs: Their Secret Lives attracted 1.63m at 8pm. The Worst Place To Be A Pilot interested 1.17m at 9pm and Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell gathered seven hundred and seventy one thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Cowboy Builders interested seven hundred and eighty three thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with 1.13m at 9pm and Celebrity Big Brother with 1.58m at 10pm.

The Great British Bake Off climbed to new heights for its latest episode on Wednesday. The BBC1 series - which featured a particularly controversial moment (see below) - rose to an overnight audience of 8.10 million viewers at 8pm, rising by around seven hundred thousand viewers from the previous week. Later, Last Chance Academy interested 2.45m at 9pm, while A Question Of Sport was watched by two million viewers at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Young Vets appealed to 1.16m at 7pm, followed by Hotel India with 2.03m at 8pm. Horizon gathered 1.55m at 9pm. ITV's Secret Life Of Cats attracted 1.87m at 8pm, followed by Secrets From The Asylum with 1.82m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Double Your House For Half The Money was seen by eight hundred and eighty three thousand at 8pm, while Star Paws brought in nine hundred and sixty three thousand at 9pm. Channel Five's Emergency Bikers continued with six hundred and thirteen thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother with 1.74m at 9pm. Suspects had an audience of six hundred and thirty thousand at 10pm. BBC3 topped the multichannels with yet another showing of Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull with 1.19m at 9pm.

The Great British Bake Off contestant blamed by 'some people' (that's a euphemism for Twitterers, incidentally) for another contestant's exit has claimed to have been 'stitched up' by the way the programme was edited. Diana Beard said that she had been made 'a scapegoat' after being shown to play a part in Iain Watters' elimination. Watters exited the show after throwing his melted Baked Alaska in the bin. Yet some viewers (who, seemingly, didn't have anything better to do with their time) have since called for his reinstatement - regardless of the fact that the show was filmed three months ago - suggesting that Beard 'engineered' his dismissal by taking his ice cream out of the freezer. This has become known as 'bin-gate.' Apparently. Honest, dear blog reader, I'm not making this up. I know, I know, 'the crap that some people chose to care about' and all that. Speaking on BBC Radio Shropshire, Beard - the oldest contestant to have appeared on the BBC ratings winner - criticised how Wednesday's episode was edited. 'I'm disappointed with the way it's been portrayed,' she said. 'I've been stitched up, haven't I? We were twelve amateur bakers, [there's] no prize money involved. Why would I sabotage Iain's Baked Alaska? This has made it look like some cut-throat competition,' she continued. 'I think someone's culpable for the editing, really.' Beard claimed that Watters' ice cream had been out of the freezer for 'no more than forty seconds' - a claim which Watters' later cast doubt upon in an appearance on Newsnight - and that her 'conscience was intact.' Celebrities involved in the show immediately leaped to her defence after Wednesday's broadcast prompted 'a furore' on social media. Co-host Sue Perkins insisted that there had been 'no sabotage' and that the situation was 'getting a little inflamed for my liking. This is a show about cakes,' the comedienne and broadcaster continued on Twitter. 'Please, let's save the ire for real stuff.''Real stuff'? On Twitter? Are you taking the piss, Sue? A BBC spokesperson said: 'As shown in the episode, Iain became the fourth baker to leave the tent because he didn't present Mary and Paul with anything to judge in the showstopper challenge and both judges were very clear about the reasoning behind the decision. Due to the extreme temperature in the tent that day, many of the bakers struggled to get their ice cream to set as seen in the episode. Diana removing Iain's ice cream from the freezer for less than a minute was in no way responsible for Iain's departure.' Subsequently it was announced that Beard had left the show. The BBC said that her exit was due to illness and nothing to do with 'Bin-gate'.

Meanwhile, communications watchdog Ofcom will not be investigating The Great British Bake Off's 'Bin-gate' row - because, they got better things to do with their time, obviously - despite complaints about the alleged sabotage. Thirteen viewers, who seem not to have anything better to do with their time, whinged to Ofcom, twelve of them concerned at the apparent 'sabotage' of Watters' dessert. Eight hundred and eleven numskulls have also complained directly to the BBC. After receiving the whinges, Ofcom has decided the incident does not appear to have breached its broadcasting code. An Ofcom spokesman said: 'Having assessed viewers' complaints received to date, they do not raise issues warranting further investigation under Ofcom's rules.' Watters was voted off the show after presenting judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood with a bin when they asked to see his dessert and his departure sparked a Twitter campaign calling for him to make a return. Despite, once again, the fact that the series has already been filmed to its conclusion months ago. Speaking on BBC2's Newsnight, Watters said that he had spoken to Beard since and had 'no hard feelings.' He said: 'I knew it was going to be quite a big thing as it was a big thing that happened on the show. The reaction has been crazy, there were a lot of comments on Twitter. It's been really nice support and really built up overnight. I was more frustrated and it was just the heat of the moment. In the last half-hour of the show it got very tense. I've spoken to [Diana] and she's fine.' On Thursday, Paul Hollywood responded to the Twitter storm by saying: 'Ice cream being left out of fridge last night for forty seconds did not destroy Iain's chances in the bake off, what did was his decision [to] bin.' Beard revealed that she had left the show just before filming began on episode five after a fall severed her olfactory nerve, robbing her of her sense of smell. After she complained that the show had been edited to make it look as though she sabotaged her rival's chances, the BBC then announced that Beard would not be appearing in episode five, explaining that she 'fell ill' ahead of filming. But, she has since clarified that she 'fainted' and banged her head during supper with the other contestants just before production of the episode was due to start. Beard, who lives near Whitchurch in Shropshire, said: 'I fainted – which I have never done – and bashed my head, severing my olfactory nerve. So I have now lost my sense of smell and most of my taste.' She added that she has some sensation of foods which are very salty or vinegary, but has been told by a specialist that nothing medically can be done to repair the damage and she may never fully recover her senses. 'It could have been worse and I am counting my blessings,' said Beard, who used to run an upholstery business. She said that the announcement that she would not be returning for episode five had been brought forward by the BBC following the furore in which some members of the public branded her 'evil'. 'At least people will know I haven't wimped out,' she said. 'It's a relief, as people now know the truth.'
Brendan O'Carroll's appearance on Who Do You Think You Are? topped the overnight ratings on Thursday. The Mrs Brown's Boys star's episode of the BBC1 ancestry series brought in 5.30 million viewers 9pm. Earlier, DIY SOS: The Big Build returned with 4.48m at 8pm, while Motorway Cops brought in 2.34m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, live athletics coverage interested 1.32m at 7pm, followed by Natural World with 1.28m at 9pm. ITV's Tonight: The Food We Eat attracted 2.51m at 7.30pm, while Harbour Lives appealed to 2.16m at 8.30pm. Prom Crazy drew 1.51m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Location, Location, Location continued with 1.12m at 8pm, followed by Stammer School with eight hundred and twenty four thousand at 9pm and First Time Farmers with five hundred and twenty five thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Burned Alive: Anatomy Of A Murder intrigued six hundred and sixty three thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother with 1.70m at 9pm. Suspects concluded with six hundred and ninety seven thousand at 10pm. On BBC3, Cuckoo was watched by five hundred and thirty two thousand at 10pm.

BBC1's Boomers was Friday's highest-rated overnight show outside of soaps, attracting 3.01 million at 9pm. It was sandwiched between 2.45 million for Scrappers at 8.30pm and a very satisfying 2.85 million for the rubbish that is Big School at 9.30pm. The ONE Show and A Question Of Sport kicked things off with viewing figures of 3.33 million and 2.48 million. On ITV, Harbour Lives entertained 2.68 million at 8pm, while a Doc Martin repeat was seen by 2.5 million at 9pm. Young Vets started the night for BBC2 with 1.12 million at 7pm. It was followed by 1.76 million for Mastermind and 1.55 million for Sweets Made Simple. BBC2's evening peaked with 2.52 million for The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice, while Gardener's World attracted 1.9 million immediately after. Micky Flanagan: Back In The Game was Channel Four's highest-rated show with 1.18 million at 9pm, narrowly beating The Last Leg which had 1.12 million at 10pm. The latest episode of Million Pound Drop picked up seven hundred and sixty thousand at 8pm. Celebrity Big Brother's latest live eviction was seen by 1.81 million on Channel Five.

The BBC has defended its decision to schedule the Strictly Come Dancing launch show directly against an episode of The X Factor. It was confirmed this week that the BBC1 dance competition will kick off its new series on September 7 at 8pm, the same time that the fourth episode of Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads' series will be shown on ITV. The BBC has now explained that it made the scheduling decision when a double episode of ITV soap Coronation Street was moved to Sunday night, due to football the following night. 'We always try to avoid direct clashes but it's important that Strictly launches in primetime and with the extra episode of Coronation Street coming in, it's unfortunately left us with very little room to move on this occasion,' a BBC spokesperson said. The Strictly Come Dancing launch show will see the fifteen celebrities introduced to their professional partners.

Of course, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads, was pure-dead vexed by all this malarkey and immediately accused the BBC of trying to 'sabotage' the return The X Factor by daring to, you know, scheduled anything against it and not having two hours of the Test Card and sombre music on opposite instead. This week, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads - who really needs to grow the fek up, frankly - returns to The X Factor for the first time in four years in a bid to reverse the show's falling ratings. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads is part of a new look judging line-up featuring The Heaton Horror Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, who has, reportedly 'buried the hatchet' with Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads after she was ignominiously dumped from the US version of the show. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads criticised the corporation and claimed the BBC wanted to 'damage' his show and 'should be grown up about it and admit it. I always think that when people do that the people they are pissing off are the viewers,' Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads ranted at the programme's launch this week. Could somebody lend him a fiver so he can buy a box of hankies? Anyone? 'And they say this isn't a ratings battle, it is, that's why they did it. They didn't have to put it on at the same time as us, they did and it means that people then have to make the choice where before I think it was more of a gentleman's type agreement. It just shows the producers of the show for what they are. They don't want this show to do well, they don't want people to watch it, and our job is to do the best job we can so people prefer X Factor to them. They are two of the most popular shows of the year, it doesn't make sense to make viewers choose.'The X Factor's ratings have been in decline ever since Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads last appeared as a judge in 2010 and it has lost out in the ratings wars to its BBC1 rival for the last two years. The US edition fared even worse and has since been axed. Although sadly, not with an actual axe. Despite the decline last year's final, won by Sam Bailey, had an overnight audience of just fewer than ten million viewers, making it one of ITV's biggest shows of the year. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads, who signed a one hundred and fifty million smackers deal with ITV last year, admitted that he had been 'arrogant' about the show in the past and said he would be 'disappointed' if this year's series did not do better and beat Strictly Come Dancing. 'The expectations on us are huge,' he admitted. 'I think that when we have been arrogant in the past, when we were winning, you kind of get complacent, that's when we lost out,' he added. 'When we were on the back foot and had to really concentrate on the show, that's when we did better. I feel we are in that position at the moment. We are not necessarily expecting to win although we would like to; we are going all out to make a better show.'
The complete line-up for this year's Strictly Come Dancing series has been revealed ahead of the BBC1 talent show's launch night on 6 September. And, whilst it's not - quite - as desperately z-list as earlier suggested, it's still hard to muster a great deal of enthusiasm for the 'talent' involved. MasterChef judge Gregg Wallace, Bargain Hunt's Tim Wonnacott and Mrs Brown's Boys actress Jennifer Gibney - who, at least, most viewers will have heard of - join twelve other alleged 'celebrities.' These include pop stars Pixie Lott and Frankie Bridge (no, me neither), BBC DJ Scott Mills and Judy Murray, the mother of tennis player Andy. So, she's a 'celebrity'how, exactly? Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman will co-host the ballroom competition. The pair were confirmed as the show's new full-time hosts following Sir Bruce Forsyth's decision to step down as presenter. Naturalist Steve Backshall, EastEnders actor Jake Wood, reality TV type person Mark Wright, ex-rugby player Thom Evans and Blue's Simon Webbe round out this year's male contingent. They will be joined by Casualty actress Sunetra Sarker, Big Brother contestant 'turned broadcaster' Alison Hammond and TV presenter Caroline Flack. Gibney, who plays Mrs Brown's daughter in the popular sitcom and is the wife of Brendan O'Carroll said she was 'excited' to be taking part in the show. Yer man Wallace said he 'could not wait' to 'live in a Strictly bubble', while former auctioneer Wonnacott said that he had signed on so he could take his wife dancing on their thirtieth wedding anniversary.
Paddy Considine has said that he doesn't understand why some actors prefer to stay away from TV. The actor and director - who will soon to return to ITV's The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher - told the Digital Spy website that he has learned not to be too picky when choosing roles. He said: 'For some reason there's a really strange thing around some actors about mainstream television. Look at the great actors that have come through television in this current generation, Benedict Cumberbatch [for example], what's the big fear with everybody? You're an actor, a job's a job. Believe me, years ago, I had this thing where I'd just done In America and I was at that period where I was like, "Right, I'm not doing anything unless I'm in love with it. I'm waiting for the right project to come along." I didn't work for nearly two years. I had to do some music videos because, guess what, the right project didn't come along. What was I even looking for in the first place? And it taught me I'd love to hop from one movie to the next, with one great director to the next, like some of my friends can do, but that's not my path, it hasn't happened, and it's fine, but I'll just look at the circumstances around me, and I'll take what comes.' Paddy also explained that he would rather star in a leading television role than a short appearance in a Hollywood film. 'I was asked earlier, "Why haven't you gone and pursued Hollywood films?" Well I've been in a couple, and I could do Hollywood films, I could be in one in the next few weeks because I got offered it, but I'm in it for, like, five minutes. Do you want to be in that for five minutes or in Whicher for the whole thing and you're the lead in it? It comes to a point where you go, "What does it mean to do those things?" I don't give a shit if people have seen my face or not, quite frankly. I don't have a career path, I just do what I do. And in the past year I've been fortunate enough to have a diverse load of things, and you can't really be any more grateful than that.'The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher will return for two new two-hour films titled Beyond The Pale and The Ties That Bind. The first will be broadcast on Sunday 7 September on ITV. The new specials, which follow two earlier acclaimed TV movies will see Jack Whicher working as a private inquiry agent in Victorian England.

Claims that a film about actress Linda Lovelace bore 'striking similarities' to the 1972 pornographic film Deep Throat have been dismissed by a US judge. New York District Judge Thomas Griesa concluded that last year's biopic of Lovelace did not copy the core of the original film, in which she starred. He said that Deep Throat focused on one sex act but the 2013 film, Lovelace, did not feature any explicit material. The owners of the original movie's rights said that they would lodge an appeal. And, hold their breath and stamp their foot until they got their own way. Probably. Arrow Productions sued the makers of Lovelace last year in a bid to block its distribution, but their legal move was rejected by the judge and thrown out of court. They also claimed that the title Lovelace was used 'without licence or permission' and sought damages of 'at least' ten million dollars. In his decision, the judge described Deep Throat as 'a famous pornographic film replete with explicit sexual scenes and sophomoric humour', while Lovelace was a critical, biographical film documenting the life of the actress. He commented on the use of three scenes from the 1970s release in the later film, saying they added 'a new, critical perspective on the life of Linda Lovelace and the production of Deep Throat.' Under US copyright law, a certain amount of footage from Deep Throat could be, ahem, inserted under the auspices of 'fair usage.'Lovelace chronicled the porn star's abusive marriage to Chuck Traynor, played by Peter Sarsgaard, and how she came to work on Deep Throat. The lead role was played by actress Amanda Seyfried. It also explored her relationship with her mother, Dorothy, played by Sharon Stone. Deep Throat, the first porn movies to be widely seen in cinemas, made an estimated six hundred million bucks. The film drew middle class audiences to the cinema and helped lay the foundations of today's hardcore adult entertainment industry. Born Linda Boreman, Lovelace became an anti-pornography campaigner in later life. She died in a car accident in 2002 at the age of fifty three,

A man who claims that he was sexually abused by Bryan Singer has dropped his legal action against the film-maker. A judge in Honolulu granted Michael Egan's petition to have the case dismissed without prejudice, allowing him to refile at a later date. Singer's request to have the case dismissed with prejudice and to make Egan pay his legal costs was rejected. 'We're pleased that it's over,' said Singer's lawyer Marty Singer, who is not related to his client. 'Although we would have liked the case dismissed on merits, the fact that now it's dropped is satisfactory.' Egan, a former child model who is now thirty one, has accused the forty eight-year-old director of abusing him in Hawaii when Egan was seventeen. Egan previously filed three similar legal actions against other Hollywood figures, all of which were later dismissed. US district judge Susan Oki Mollway ruled that 'any alleged damage to [Singer's] reputation may well be ameliorated by plaintiff's voluntary dismissal of the action.'

The Australian actor Bill Kerr - 'the boy from Wagga Wagga' - who became one of Tony Hancock's radio sidekicks in the 1950s, has died in Perth aged ninety two. Born in Cape Town, South Africa in June 1922, Bill was raised in Australia and became a radio and vaudeville star before moving to the UK in 1947 to further his career. Appearances in Hancock's Half Hour, The Dam Busters and Doctor Who followed, as did a role in 1960s TV soap Compact. Returning to Australia in 1979, Bill had a key role in 1981 film Gallipoli. His voice is the first to be heard in Peter Weir's World War I epic, exhorting its young sprinter hero - Mel Gibson - to run 'as fast as a leopard.' Bill went on to be seen in another Weir movie, The Year Of Living Dangerously, the TV mini-series Anzacs, the horror film Razorback and the 2003 version of Peter Pan. According to family members, Bill was watching television at his home in Western Australia when he died. 'Mum said she could hear him laughing to Seinfeld,' his son Wilton told ABC News. 'That was one of his favourite shows.' He was 'the most generous, happy, loving man. Different to the gruff-voiced man you'll find in the roles that he would play,' Wilton added. 'Generous with his affection, just his life, general positivity, if I could be half the man he is, I'd be a very happy guy.' Known for his catchphrase 'I'm only here for four minutes', Bill was born into a theatrical family and made his stage debut in a touring production when he was still toddler. 'I was such a hit, I retired in 1922 and made a comeback at seven,' he later recalled. A 'Huckleberry Finn life' in New South Wales followed for a child star who was once described as 'the Jackie Coogan of Australian vaudeville.' He made his first film appearance in 1933's Harmony Row, in which he was billed as Willie Kerr. He saw service in the Australian army during the Second World War, and performed in theatrical shows at home and abroad and toured with his friend, the actor Peter Finch. Bill enjoyed his greatest success in the 1950s and 1960s, appearing alongside such comedy greats as Sid James, Spike Milligan, Kenneth Williams and Peter Sellers. His laconic Australian drawl saw him often cast as a slow-witted simpleton who could serve as the butt of his co-stars' jokes. His role as Giles Kent in the 1967 Doctor Who adventure The Enemy Of The World saw him sharing the screen with Patrick Troughton. Believed to be mostly missing for many years, a complete version of the six-part story was found last year at a TV station in Nigeria. Bill had much theatrical success in Britain, appearing in Spike Milligan and John Antrobus' satirical The Bed-Sitting Room, which was first produced in 1962, as well as in the 1963 film The Wrong Arm Of The Law alongside Peter Sellers and Bernard Cribbins. He was also a character actor of some distinction, giving memorable performances as a racketeer in My Death Is A Mockery (1952) and as a mentally disturbed crook in Port Of Escape (1956). His other films included Appointment In London (1952), You Know What Sailors Are (1954), The Night My Number Came Up (1955), A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum (1966), and in two of the 'Doctor' films, Doctor In Distress (1963) and Doctor In Clover (1966). He is survived by his third wife, Sandra, and four children.

Fifteen, dear blog reader. The position in the UK charts that 'Down In The Tube Station At Midnight' reached in 1978. The age that William Miller is when he goes on tour with Stillwater in Almost Famous. The smallest natural number with seven letters in it. The first point in a game of tennis. The age of a quinceañera in Spanish culture. The square root of two hundred and twenty five (I think). The classification given by the BBFC to The Complete West Wing DVD box-set. The number of players in a rugby union team. The age in Britain at which a minor may be sent to jail to await trial for his or her naughty teenage crimes. The number of days in each of the twenty four cycles of the Chinese calendar. The number of function keys on most Mac keyboards. The number of minutes in a quarter of an hour. The number corresponding to The Devil in a Tarot deck. And, also, the number of lengths of the local swimming pool wot yer actual Keith Tekky Topping only went and done on Thursday morning before breakfast (and, repeated it on Saturday to boot). Well, I was impressed. Suit yerselves.

And, finally ...
... we end the latest From The North bloggerisationisms update with a couple of items related to yer actual Kate Bush's first gigs in thirty five years earlier this week. Now, as you probably know, dear blog reader, there is nothing - nothing in the world - that righteously pisses off this blogger big-style(e) than examples of criminally lazy journalism and we had one of the classic examples of such nonsense in the Metro on Thursday. Whilst most of the media in this country actually bothered to send one of their reporters out at the Hammersmith Apollo to gauge a few opinions from the punters on whether the attendees had enjoyed themselves at Kate's first show - and the general consensus was that pretty much everyone had - Metro's 'showbiz editor', one Andrei Harmsworth, instead sat on his arse in the office and scanned social media for dissent. Until he found a couple of people (neither of whom state that they'd actually attended the shows inm question) whinging about aspects of the set-list. Leading Harmsworth to claim that 'hit-starved fans are demanding refunds.'
Are they? 'Demanding' refunds? You got proof of that, have you mate? Actual people who've actually complained to the actual venue demanding an actual refund? Anyone? No, thought not. 'They waited thirty five years to hear her sing live,' Harmsworth writes, 'but Kate Bush fans were left demanding their money back after the eccentric star refused to perform her two most famous hits at her comeback gig.' And, again the proof of this? Well, naturally, it comes from Twitter. Which, as you know (or, as the Gruniad Morning Star always tell us), is The Sole Arbiter Of The Worth Of All Things. 'British electronic duo Mint Royale led the complaints online,' continues Harmsworth. '"Hi BBC Watchdog, Kate Bush is not performing her hit single 'Wuthering Heights' on her current "tour". Am I entitled to a full refund?" the group tweeted.' I've no idea who Mint Royale are, incidentally, which probably makes this blogger desperately 'not with-it'. Or something. 'Bush left the stage at London's Hammersmith Apollo on Tuesday without singing 'Babooshka' or 'Wuthering Heights' or any tracks from her first four albums.'Okay, well, firstly they're called songs not tracks and they're LPs not albums. Only hateful, stinking, lice-ridden worthless old hippies call them the former. Just thought I'd mentioned it. Secondly, anybody who thinks that 'Babooshka' is one of Kate Bush's two 'most famous hits' obviously hasn't done any necessary research since 'Running Up That Hill' - which Katie is playing - outsold it massively and was her first big hit in America. And thirdly ... Again, I've just got to ask who the frig are Mint Royale when they're a home? 'The omissions from her three-hour, twenty nine-song set angered fans, some of whom had paid fifteen hundred pounds,' Harmsworth claims. 'Some fans' seemingly, being two blokes in Mint Royale. Whoever they are. Oh, and this numskull whom Harmsworth also found during his extensive trawl through the detritus of the Interweb: 'Why is no-one annoyed that Kate Bush didn't sing 'Wuthering Heights' or 'Babooshka'? I'd be fuming,' tweeted one Antony Bushfield. 'I'd be' rather than 'I was' suggesting that Antony his very self hadn't been at the gig either. And all of this is 'news', apparently. How, you might wonder dear blog reader, does this Harmsworth bloke - who has something of a history of writing  mind-numbingly trivial shock! horror! pictures! bollocks of exactly this kind - manage to hold down a job with a leading newspaper (well, with the Metro, anyway) whilst displaying such shockingly lazy tendencies, poor grasp of the concept of 'research' and wretched tabloidese prose? The fact that he's a member of the Harmsworth family which, of course, contained Viscount Rothermere (1868-1940) the Hitler-supporting owner of the Daily Scum Mail probably doesn't have anything whatsoever to do with it. Nepotism? In Associated Newspapers? Surely not? Total post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare and that.
Meanwhile, if you think that was a whinge over nowt, dear blog reader, that's nothing. No, this - printed in the Gruniad Morning Star on Friday - is a whinge.
That was Bill Hawkes of Canterbury there, dear blog reader. Possibly the most churlish, ungallant and just plain rude session musician in the world. He 'played viola on Kate Bush's last LP,' apparently. But not her next one, I'd wager. Check out, also, the excellent Andrew Collins's appalled blog posting on the same subject.

Which brings us nicely to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45(s) of the Day. Featuring a song that Katie her very self is playing on her current series of live Shows.
And one that, tragically, she isn't. Though, it'd be pure dead funny if she did!

We start with some ratings; 5.21 million overnight viewers watched Into the Dalek on Saturday evening, a share of 24.7 per cent of the total available TV audience. That's broadly a similar figure to the second episode of the last Doctor Who series, Dinosaurs On A Spaceship, which had an overnight audience of 5.3 million in September 2012. Into The Dalek achieved an AI score of eighty four, slightly up on the previous episode's figure of eighty two. Doctor Who was the second-highest rated programme of the night, which was comfortably won by the return of The X Factor on ITV. The latest series of the singing competition - which welcomed the return of Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef from Crossroads and The Heaton Horror Cheryl Fernandez-Versini-Whatsherface - premièred to 9.03m from 8pm, a forty per cent audience share. Against Doctor Who, The Chase: Z-List Celebrity Special had an audience of 4.2 million. Into The Dalek did not appear to suffer any obvious loss of viewers during its fifteen minute crossover with The X Factor, with ratings broadly stable throughout the episode. Around two million BBC viewers then switched to ITV just as Doctor Who finished, which suggests that the crossover between the audiences of Doctor Who and The X Factor is, roughly, that. The second-highest rated programme on BBC1 was Casualty with 3.9 million. The X Factor's figures are slightly up from the previous year's launch, which managed an overnight of 8.78m. Elsewhere on ITV, Keith Lemon's Risible Tripe Through the Keyhole attracted a truly horrifying 3.69m from 9.25pm. Have you people no shame? Alleged BBC 'insiders' allegedly expect Doctor Who's figure to 'increase dramatically' (as, indeed, it did with the last episode, see below) once timeshifts are taken into account and the consolidated and final ratings are published in a week's time according to the Radio Times. And, its worth mentioning at after just one day, timeshifts has already added a whopping 1.3m to Into The Daleks' overnight figure (the audience as of Monday morning having risen to 6.48 million). Doctor Who's cause wasn't exactly helped by the almost total collapse of the audience for its lead-in show, the truly wretched Tumble which continued with but 2.74 million punters. It's to be hoped that whatever complete numskull within the BBC who thought that commissioning a piss-poor imitation of ITV's - already risible - Pro-Celebrity Drowning ('only, with gymnastics') was a good idea is currently clearing out their desk and saying goodbye to former colleagues. Even Pointless Celebrities, which preceded it, had more viewers (3.09m). Elsewhere, The National Lottery: Break The Safe managed 2.69m from 8.15pm. Match Of The Day averaged 3.62m and included as its lead match highlights of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies in an entertaining but frustrating three-three draw with Crystal Palace. On BBC2, Proms Extra 2014 drew in five hundred and seventy three thousand from 7pm and Andrew Marr's Great Scots: The Writers Who Shaped A Nation was watched by five hundred and forty four thousand from 9.15pm. Channel Four's Grand Designs repeated to six hundred and sixty two thousand before the movie Lockout had an audience of nine hundred and fifty six thousand. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 1.09m on Channel Five. Unfunny Professional Northern Berk Paddy McGuinness: Saturday Night Live was watched by three hundred and eleven thousand. The multichannels were topped by ITV3's Midsomer Murders with 1.01m from 9pm. The new BBC4 Swedish drama Crimes Of Passion took over its Saturday night slot with seven hundred and thirty eight thousand viewers.
Into The Dalek also averaged 1.1 million national viewers in Australia (these figures include the five capital cities and regional and rural viewers). It was the second highest rating drama of the day (after ANZAC Girls) and the ninth highest rating program of the day overall. Excluding regional and rural viewers, this story averaged seven hundred and forty eight thousand viewers in the five major Australian cities.

The X Factor dropped over a million overnight punters for its second show on Sunday. The ITV competition's first Sunday edition of the year dipped from Saturday's nine million to an average of 7.55m from 8pm. This is down from last year's first Sunday show's overnight ratings of 9.21m. On BBC1, Nature's Miracle Orphans brought in 3.86m at 7pm, followed by Countryfile with 5.13m at 8pm. The Village continued with 3.78m at 9pm and Match Of The Day 2 which had 2.65m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Equator With Simon Reeve interested 1.21m at 7pm, while Dragons' Den appealed to 1.54m at 8pm. Two Amigos: A Gaucho Adventure gathered 1.30m at 9pm and Him & Her's final series BBC2 première had an audience of five hundred and eleven thousand at 10pm. On Channel Four, the Time Team special, Secrets Of The Body Snatchers attracted eight hundred and thirty two thousand at 8pm, followed by the Ben Stiller comedy Tower Heist with 1.63m at 9pm. Channel Five's Celebrity Big Brother attracted 1.74m sad, crushed victims of society at 9pm, followed by the film Death Sentence with six hundred and ninety five thousand at 10pm.

New Tricks dipped from last week's audience but still easily topped Monday's overnight ratings. The BBC1 drama dropped around six hundred thousand viewers to 5.28 million at 9pm. Twenty One Up: The New Generation interested 1.80m at 10.35pm. Earlier, the new series Inside Out gathered 3.14m at 7.30pm, while Panorama brought in 2.52m at 8.30pm. BBC2's University Challenge was watched by 2.64m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect's BBC2 debut with 2.03m at 8.30pm. Alex Polizzi: The Fixer was seen by nine hundred and five thousand at 9pm. On ITV, Tonight: The Food We Eat appealed to 2.40m at 8pm. Long Lost Family concluded with 3.79m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Odious Nasty Horrible Jamie's Rotten Comfort Food was watched by 1.26m at 8pm, followed by Gadget Man with 1.06m at 8.30pm. Royal Marines Commando School continued with 1.53m at 9pm. Channel Five's Police Interceptors brought in 1.03m at 8pm. The latest Celebrity Big Brother had an audience of 1.58m at 9pm, followed by Under The Dome with seven hundred and eighty six thousand at 10pm. Sky1's Duck Quacks Don't Echo returned with two hundred and six thousand punters at 8pm, followed by Fifty Ways To Kill Your Mammy with two hundred and sixty thousand at 9pm.

Here's the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty programmes, week-ending Sunday 24 August 2014:-
1 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 9.28m
2 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 9.17m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.82m
4 New Tricks - Mon BBC1 - 7.23m
5 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.85m
6 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.42m
7 In The Club - Tues BBC1 - 5.75m
8 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.10m
9 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.0om
10 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 4.94m
11 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 4.82m
12 Ten O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.43m
13 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.38m
14 Boomers - Fri BBC1 - 4.25m
15 The Village - Sun BBC1 - 4.13m
16 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 3.99m
17 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 3.89m
18 Nature's Miracle Orphans - Sun BBC1 - 3.79m
19 Match Of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 3.74m
20 Long Lost Family - Mon ITV - 3.72m*
ITV Programmes marked '*' do include include HD figures. Doctor Who's final figure included a timeshift over the initial 'live' audience of almost two and a half million viewers. Apart from various Christmas specials and the fiftieth anniversary episode, The Day Of The Doctor, this is the highest rating for the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama since Matt Smith's début episode The Eleventh Hour in 2010. The Thursday late night repeat of Deep Breath had an overnight audience of 0.12 million viewers, whilst the Friday evening BBC3 showing was watched by 0.32 million. The AI figure for the Friday repeat was eighty six (the initial broadcast having had a score of eighty two). The cinema screening of Deep Breath took five hundred and twenty two thousand nine hundred and eight quid at the UK box office over the weekend, making it the eighth highest-grossing feature of the weekend, despite only receiving one showing. 'Doctor Who isn't simply about the overnight audience and is incredibly successful with audiences on catch-up,' and alleged BBC 'source' allegedly told the Radio Times. 'It is our fourth highest rating drama title of 2014 so far after Sherlock, Call Midwife and The Musketeers.' Channel Four's highest-rated show was Educating Yorkshire One Year On with 2.24m, followed by Location, Location, Location (1.89m). Channel Five's best performer was Celebrity Big Brother (2.61m), followed by CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with 2.03. No data was available for BBC2 this week. On BBC4, the excellent documentary The Kate Bush Story: Running Up That Hill led the way with eight hundred and six thousand viewers. Lewis was ITV3's best performer with 1.09m. Family Guy on BBC3 was the most watched show on multchannels with 1.36m, followed by E4's The One Hundred (1.31m).

Incidentally, dear blog reader, there is a rumour currently doing the rounds on the Interweb that The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat is leaving Doctor Who and will be replaced as showrunner for series nine by Anthony Horowitz. Albeit it's not from sources that you'd actually go out of your way to trust. Whether there is any truth in this rumour or not, this blogger hasn't the foggiest although I do know that Moffat has already used at least two interviews with DWM to allude to him having plans in place for series nine. Steven himself hasn't commented on these rumours as yet, of course, as he's currently in Los Angeles collecting and polishing his seven EMMYs. As ever, dear blog reader, one is advised to treat what appears to be  an example of somewhat agenda-encrusted groin-thrusting, with the contempt it deserves until told otherwise by somebody considerably more trustworthy than Bleeding Cool. Gosh, does anybody remember a time when fandom used to be peopled by grown-ups? No, me neither. Stupid question, really?
Then, the next day, Anthony Horowitz denied it. With one word - 'unlikely.' Odd, that since the originator of the rumour suggested he had it on 'good authority'. Not that good, clearly.

And from that lack of a bombshell to yer actual Top Telly Tips:

Saturday 6 September
'You will tell me everything that this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men.' He's wanted to do it for years, dear blog reader, and finally yer actual Mark Gatiss has got his own way and managed to write a Doctor Who episode featuring yet another British icon in Robots Of Sherwood - 7:15 BBC1. The Time Lord finds himself in Sherwood Forest, where he discovers an evil plan from beyond the stars to destroy Nottingham. Obviously to stop Cloughie taking Forest to two European Cups. I mean, this blogger can't think of any other reason why anyone would wish to destroy Nottingham, can you, dear blog reader? Anyway, The Doctor soon finds himself an ally - none other than yer actual Robin Hood his very self - but The Doctor struggles to believe that the mythical hero is, actually, real and the pair end up bickering like an about-to-be-divorced couple when they should be thwarting the intergalactic menace. Much to Clara's chagrin. Starring Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman, with Tom Riley and the great Ben Miller as The Sheriff. Looks great from the trailer though, whether the legion of fans who've been tripping over themselves to praise Peter's new 'dark' portrayal will enjoy this one as much as the previous two episodes is another question entirely.
A bride-to-be goes missing the day before her wedding, and attending guests Puck, Einar and Christer are drawn into another investigation in Crimes Of Passion - 9:00 BBC4. The 1950s crime fighting Swedish trio find themselves - as usual - with no shortage of suspects, not least the bride's best friend, with whom Christer develops an, ahem, 'sudden rapport.' Two episodes in an he's already acquiring a bit of a reputation for doing that pretty much every case. However, everyone in attendance seems to have something to hide, leaving the would-be sleuths to work out whether any of their secrets are connected to the woman's disappearance or just, simply, secrets worth keeping. Scandiwegian noir mystery drama, starring Tuva Novotny, Linus Wahlgren and Christer Wijk. Välsmakande.

Some American fans were, reportedly, a bit disappointed last month by the season finale of True Detective– 9:00 Sky Atlantic. And remember, as this is an anthology show with a new cast each year, the end of the season means we've reached the climax of Rust and Marty's story. It was too procedural and too conventional, the naysayers claimed. Not in keeping with what had gone before, they argued. Butm they wrong, and it is. The point, that the central characters have changed, seemed to have escaped the notice of those who had, perhaps, expected a climax more obviously left-field and who then whinged about it, loudly, to anyone that would listen. And, indeed, anyone that wouldn't. In the previous episode, we saw that the detectives' unhealable (often self-inflicted) scars and destructive impulses had left them both with nothing but the case that, for seventeen years, had run parallel to their mother of all mid-life crises. Now that they've hit rock bottom, they can - at last - try to solve it, edging towards a kind of redemption which sees the show dabble, pretty successfully, in brighter and more mystical philosophising. Ultimately, it makes sense and the final scene between two battered, bruised, but wiser survivors in, genuinely touching. To anybody with a heart in their chest, anyway. The investigation itself means True Detective is back in thriller mode - something it always did with consummate ease - as Marty and Rust track down Louisiana's answer to The Bogeyman. Director Cary Fukunaga sets himself and the show's production designers one final test: to surpass every creepy serial-killer lair ever put on celluloid and come up with something even more frightening than the cellar in The Silence Of The Lambs. Easy. As the former partners go back over the case files of the Dora Lange murder, a witness's description of a green-eared figure gives the pair new impetus when Hart makes a connection. After following the lead, the pair head out to a remote house in the bayou, where the crocodile shit floats thick. There, they finally encounter the scarred man they have been hunting for years, but he flees into a labyrinthine structure - with Rust in hot pursuit. Welcome, to the nightmare. Starring one last time, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.

Earlier this year, for some never fully explained reason, the Drama channel stopped their repeat run of Waking The Dead in the middle of 2008's series seven. Tonight, thankfully, they pick back up more or less where they left off with one of the popular long-running BBC crime drama's most memorable two part stories, Sins - 9:00. The discovery of human remains - specifically, an extremely disembodied head - in an urban canal is linked to the unsolved, and very grizzly, murder of a hated prison governor fifteen years earlier. This leads Peter Boyd's Cold Case Unit to seek out the original suspects. Both of whom are, as it turns out, utter bloody psychopaths. However, it is not long before the prison psychologist, who is married to the victim's daughter, finds himself personally embroiled in the investigation. Meanwhile, Boyd launches a search for his missing teenage druggy son, Luke. Memorable storyline featuring the first appearance of crazy Ruth Gemmell as Boyd's nemesis, Linda Cummings, the completely mad murderess. Trevor Eve, Sue Johnston, Tara FitzGerald, Wil Johnson and Felicite Du Jeu star, with a tremendous guest cast that also includes David Schofield, Michael Maloney, Alexandra Moen, Rob Dixon and Tony Maudsley.

Sunday 7 September
After completing their apprenticeship in the North, John Thomson and Simon Day travel fifteen hundred miles South, to Argentina's rugged Patagonia region and the foothills of the Andes in the second episode of The Two Amigos: A Gaucho Adventure - 9:15 BBC2. Throughout history this region has been a haven for those wanting to escape, including the infamous outlaws Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Fast Show stars visit the remote ranch where Butch and the Kid hid out more than one hundred years ago. The duo then arrive in the small town of Trevelin, where they meet Alejandro Jones, a fifth-generation Welsh gaucho who will be their new boss for a cattle drive down the rough terrain of the mountain pass.

Tonight sees the return of the Victorian crime drama The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher - 9:05 ITV - starring yer actual Paddy Considine for the first of two new episodes. Private detective Jack Whicher is hired by his one-time political master, the former Home Secretary Edward Shore, to investigate various threats made against his son, Charles, who has recently returned to London from India with his young family. Shore fears that entanglement in a scandal could have devastating repercussions for his own political career and, as a consequence, insists that the detective carry out his investigations without involving his former Metropolitan police colleagues, even after a brutal murder occurs. Whicher's relentless pursuit of justice takes him to the most dangerous corners of London's Docklands, but also brings him into contact with a woman who starts to melt his long-frozen heart to slush. Aw, bless. With Nicholas Jones, John Heffernan and Tim Pigott-Smith.

The Bronze Age was the time when the British landscape became civilised, in the broadest sense of the term, with fields, farms and the first roads. But, little evidence survives of what life was actually like for the Bronzies three thousand five hundred years ago. However, in 1992, archaeologists in Dover town centre unearthed something which shed more light on this mysterious era. Six metres underground they discovered the perfectly preserved remains of a large boat. In the latest Time Team special, The Boats That Built Britain - 8:00 Channel Four - yer actual Sir Tony Robinson joins a team of experts as they strive to reconstruct the Dover Boat - one of the world's oldest seagoing vessels - using only materials and tools from its era.

Houdini - 9:00 Channel Four - is the first of a two-part biopic drama following the life of legendary illusionist and escape artist Harry Houdini from his humble beginnings at circus sideshows to sold-out concert halls and international celebrity status. As he finds fame, the illusionist and escapologist engages in espionage, battles fake spiritualists and encounters the greatest names of the era, from America presidents to Rasputin (there was a cat that really was gone) and a friendship with Arthur Conan Doyle. At least until Sir Arthur went a bit mental and started believing in fairies and all that. Adrien Brody takes the title role, with Kristen Connolly as Bess, the love of his life, and Evan Jones as his assistant and confidant Jim Collins.
As a curtain-raiser to the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, which starts in a couple of weeks, Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman host a red-carpet event in which this year's alleged 'celebrities' are paired up with their professional partners - 8:00 BBC1. This year's line-up is the most underwhelming in some considerable time - I mean, it comes to a pretty sorry state of affairs when yer actual baldy Gregg Wallace is one of the most recognisable people in the damn thing. Anyway, the 'celebrity' (and this blogger uses that word quite wrongly) women shaking the booties down to the ground are Frankie Bridge from the girl band The Saturdays (no, me neither), 'tennis coach' Judy Murray - who is best known for being the mother of Andy Murray (I'm not making this up, honest) - This Morning'reporter' and former Big Brother-type person Alison Hammond, Casualty actress Sunetra Sarker, simpering girlie singer Pixie Lott, TV presenter Caroline Flack and Mrs Brown's Boys actress Jennifer Gibney. The men donning their dancing shoes alongside Wallace are the former rugby player Thom Evans, ITV2-type person Mark Wright, EastEnders' Jake Wood, wildlife presenter Steve Backshall, Radio DJ Scott Mills, Bargain Hunt presenter Tim Wonnacott and former Blue singer Simon Webbe. Together, the - alleged - celebrities will give their first group performance, allowing a glimpse of their various talents. Or, you know, lack of them. Last year's winners Abbey Clancy and Aljaz Skorjanec will also repeat their waltz and there is music by yer actual Smokey Robinson with Imelda May and Five Seconds of Summer. The other sound you might be able to hear during the episode is that of barrel bottoms being scraped.

Monday 8 September
A seventy nine-year-old woman with dementia runs away from her care home and turns up at a South London police station to report a murder - sparking a reinvestigation into the mysterious disappearance of her police officer husband in 1956 in the latest episode of New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. The official report into the man's death says that the victim fell into the river after one too many beers - but what secrets was this seemingly straight-as-they-come old-fashioned copper keeping, and from whom? Meanwhile, Steve's son is arrested for buying weed, bringing the retired officer face-to-face with his ex-wife - a woman he hasn't seen in ten years. Tamzin Outhwaite, Denis Lawson, Dennis Waterman and Nicholas Lyndhurst star, with a guest appearance from Julie Graham.

Abstract Artists In Their Own Words - 9:00 BBC4 - is a documentary revealing the varied ways in which British artists explored the idea of abstraction during the Twentieth Century, from Barbara Hepworth's geometric forms, to Anthony Caro's bold sculptures. The programme offers an insight into the ideas and working practices of some of Britain's most acclaimed artists, including Howard Hodgkin and Gillian Ayres and features additional contributions by the Royal Academy's Tim Marlow, art historian James Fox, Iwona Blazwick from The Whitechapel Gallery, broadcaster Andrew Marr and Irish writer Colm Tóibín.

Tonight's episode of The Secrets - 10:35 BBC1 - is the second of five one-off dramas focusing on the moral dilemmas which have to be resolved when secrets are unearthed. On the eve of their wedding, Tom confesses to his fiancée, Charlotte, that he was once accused of raping an ex-girlfriend - a case which went to court but was eventually dropped. Although she stands by her man, Charlotte soon finds her doubts about him growing. With the ceremony just hours away, can she bring herself to marry him? Sarah Solemani and Rupert Evans star. The third drama can be seen tomorrow.
Three historians take on a team from Oxford in the latest episode of Only Connect - 8:30 BBC4 - the quiz show which tests general knowledge and lateral thinking. The players must make connections between four things that may appear at first glance not to be linked at all, with one set of clues consisting of Guernsey, Jersey, Balaclava and Bikini. Yer actual Victoria Coren Mitchell hosts. Saucily, as always.

Tuesday 9 September
The CSIs are called in when sixteen-year-old Debbie Logan is found dead, with evidence of sexual assault, in a car parked on a desert highway in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - 9:00 Channel Five. They trace her movements to a nondescript building that turns out to be a brothel run by Madame Suzanne, and a shard of glass is discovered that matches a piece lodged in the victim's knee. The case takes a twist when it transpires that the victim's church minister father is a regular visitor to the naughty gaff. Guest starring Sherilyn Fenn (Twin Peaks' Audrey Horne) and Jack Coleman from Heroes.
The Motorway: Life In The Fast Lane - 9:00 BBC1 - is a documentary series following one of the busiest stretches of motorway in Britain, as the M6 joins up with four other major routes. The men and women working behind the scenes spend their lives helping commuters get from A to B (albeit, often, via Z) as safely and as quickly as possible, overcoming everything from extreme weather conditions to difficult residents, on top of dealing with traffic of up to eight thousand vehicles an hour. Repairs to the road are the source of some major battles with local residents. Jim and Alan live twenty metres from a current stretch of roadworks and are repeatedly subjected to high levels of noise and flashing lights in the middle of the night. Unfortunately they are not the only ones having sleepless nights as safety inspectors work late shifts on the hunt for heavy-freight truckers breaking road restrictions.

Now Britain's most desirable status symbol, hot tubs have become big business. Apparently. No, this blogger hasn't got one and he doesn't know anyone that does. But then, yer actual Keith Telly Topping hasn't got more money than sense. Allegedly. Where were we? oh yes, Hot Tub Britain - 9:00 ITV. This documentary follows Dennis Holmes, his son Dan and son-in-law Ross Phillipson, who are the proud owners of the country's biggest 'hot-tub superstore', which has an annual turnover of more than ten million smackers. Cameras follow the men and their staff throughout the company's busiest period of the year - I'm guessing that's probably going to be summer. A wild stab in the dark, I know - but as the business grows, so too does the tension among the workforce. Why? You'll have to tune in to find out, dear blog reader. Plus, hot tubbers up and down the country reveal why they love the bubbles so much.

Marvin Gaye: Greatest Hits Live - 9:30 Sky Arts 1 - features the legendary late soul singer. Well, obviously, he wasn't late when he performed to a sell-out crowd at Amsterdam's Eden Halle in 1976 during his first European tour for ten years. Featuring 'Since I Had You', 'Let's Get It On', 'How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)', 'Too Busy Thinking About My Baby', 'What's Going On?' and 'Distant Lover'. Plus, Florence Lyles joins Marv to duet on 'Heaven Must Have Sent You'. Mercy.
Wednesday 10 September
Raiders Of The Lost Art - 9:00 Yesterday - investigates works by yer actual Leonardo da Vinci that have been lost or stolen, including the infamous occasion when the Mona Lisa was taken from the Louvre in Paris in 1911 - and Pablo Picasso was accused of the crime.

As Scott & Bailey returns for a fourth series - 9:00 ITV - a vulnerable young man is reported missing by his pub landlord boss. Syndicate Nine suspect Robin McKendrick may have been killed after a photo of him bound and gagged in a car boot appears online. However, the case takes an unusual turn when a body found in a flooded quarry turns out to be a woman's corpse. Meanwhile, battle-scarred from their conflict last year, Janet and Rachel are determined to move forward with honesty. The pair find themselves in front of the promotion board and pass with flying colours, leaving Gill with the task of choosing who stays on as sergeant at the department. Danny Webb joins a cast led by Lesley Sharp, Suranne Jones and Amelia Bullimore.
Warwick Davis hosts a revival of the game show Celebrity Squares - 8:00 IVv - originally presented by Bob Monkhouse. Because, seemingly, nobody has any original ideas in television these days. The concept is based on Noughts and Crosses with a giant grid of nine boxes. The contestants say whether they agree or disagree with the general-knowledge answers given by the famous faces inside each box. If they are correct they claim that square, and the first to get three in a line wins the round and the money. One participant then goes on to play for the star prize. Tim Vine and Joe Wilkinson are the resident comedians taking their place on the grid each week, joined in this edition by unfunny, odious, full-of-his-own-importance lard bucket (and drag) James Corden, Catherine Tyldesley (who?), Jamelia (no, me neither), Tom Rosenthal, Charlotte Hawkins, Mick Miller and Sara Pascoe. God have mercy on their souls.
As the West Africa Ebola outbreak continues to claim lives, a Horizon special - 9:00 BBC2 - meets scientists and doctors from around the world who are looking for a cure to the deadly virus, and hears first-hand accounts of what it is like to catch - and survive - the disease. Good luck with that, chaps (and lady chaps). We're all counting on you before we start bleeding from our nipples.

Thursday 11 September
The food writer Mary Berry is one of Britain's best-loved TV cooks, finding fame thanks to her judging role on The Great British Bake Off. A self-confessed go-getter, she wants to trace her family tree to know where she gets her energy and drive from which she does in the latest episode of Who Do You Think You Are? - 9:00 BBC1. The journey begins in Bath, where Mary grew up, and takes her to Norwich, where both her grandparents lived. Along the way she uncovers ancestors including a bankrupt book-binder, a self-motivated corset-maker and a third who worked in a much more familiar profession.

Stonehenge is one of the most enigmatic and fascinating historical sites that this country has to offer, and that's largely for one reason - try as they might, historians and archaeologists have next to no idea what the hell the huge stone monoliths were actually for. Or, indeed, how they got there in the first place. There are no end of theories, of course, but none of them so far have been conclusive. That may all be about to change, however as we discover in the opening episode of the two part Operation Stonehenge: What Lies Beneath - 8:00 BBC2. Recent revolutionary research has just been undertaken which, over the course of just a few years, has yielded some fascinating insights into the site and its long-hidden secrets. Drawing on this new data, archaeologists might finally be in a position to put to bed some of its mysteries, as this programme reveals the five-year project's findings.

While investigating the mysterious disappearance of sixteen-year-old schoolgirl Taylor, Sean discovers that she was a member of an online social network previously linked to several suspected suicides in the second episode of ITV's new crime drama Chasing Shadows - 9:00. He believes that a serial killer is posing in Internet chat rooms as a teenage girl to prey on vulnerable youths, making each of them look like they have taken their own lives. Gosh, the rotter. Using his unique pattern-reading intelligence and with the help of MPB analyst Ruth, the detective's net closes in - leading to a startling discovery. It says here. Reece Shearsmith, Alex Kingston and Noel Clarke star.

Despite the ratings-grabbing title, the two-part Penguins On A Plane: Great Animal Moves isn't quite the action thriller that it sounds. Rather, it's a rather insightful and charming documentary revealing how thousands of exotic animals are moved around the world every day, and how they cope with being transported. First up, a flock of gentoo penguins get a luxury forty thousand quid container for their trip from New Zealand to Birmingham, while staff at the West Midlands Safari Park prepare to bid farewell to Pinky the two-ton hippo, who puts her trip to the south of France in danger by testing a reinforced crate to its limits. Plus, a beekeeper awaits a precious cargo of some eight million bees, which he hopes will help British fruit farmers.

Host Dara O Briain and regulars Hugh Dennis and Andy Parsons are joined by Ed Byrne, Gary Delaney, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe for the topical comedy quiz Mock The Week - 10:00 BBC2 - resuming the thirteenth series following a summer break. The panellists give their take on the week's major news stories and participate in a series of stand-up spots and improvised games.

Friday 12 September
The BBC appear to have found something of a surprise (minor) hit in the gentle comedy of Boomers - 9:00 BBC1. It's hardly reinventing the wheel but, at least it usually includes about three or four jokes per episode that are worth waiting for. In which regard, it has a great ration than entire series of most other sitcoms currently cluttering up the schedules. In the latest episode, Joyce and Alan have financial concerns and consider downsizing but - hoping to keep it quiet for the time being - they don't count on their friends being there when the estate agent arrives to look round. Maureen has finally decided to move elderly mum Joan into a residential home, while the men convince John that his sister-in-law's over-friendly behaviour is actually a form of sexual harassment and, having put up with it for 40 years, he decides it's time he finally spoke up. Starring Alison Steadman, Philip Jackson, Stephanie Beacham, Paula Wilcox, Russ Abbot and June Whitfield.

Rob Brydon hosts the welcome return f the comedy panel show Would I Lie To You? - 8:30 BBC1. In which two teams headed by David Mitchell and Lee Mack try to hoodwink each other with absurd facts and plausible lies about themselves. You knew that, right? One of the world's least funny alleged comedians, Micky Flanagan, Fiona Bruce, Claudia Whatsherface and Steve Jones (no, not the former Sex Pistol, sadly) are first up, with stories including performing a striptease at a lacklustre hen party and saving P Diddy from drowning. And, if you enjoy that, as soon as it's finished pop over to Dave where you can watch another two episodes.
John Humphrys invites four more contestants to take their place in the famous black chair in Mastermind - 7:00 BBC2 - where they answer questions on the specialist subjects of US political TV series House Of Cards, FA Cup Finals at the old Wembley Stadium, the poet John Milton and the siege of the Byzantine capital of Constantinople in 1453. They then have a chance to demonstrate their general knowledge in the final round.

If you haven't come across it previously, Tyrant - 9:00 FOX - is a, really rather decent political family drama documenting the geopolitical strife and bloody conflicts surrounding the Al-Fayeed family, the ruling dynasty of the fictional Middle-East dictatorship of Abbudin. In this opening episode, Younger son Bassam Al-Fayeed returns to his homeland after a twenty-year exile in the US, bringing with him his American wife and children. However, it is not long before he is tangled in the web of intrigue surrounding his father's presidency. Starring Adam Rayner. It's from the makers of 24 and Homeland so, chances are, if you enjoyed the over-the-top testosterone-snorting tool-stiffening violence in those, you'll like this too.
To the news: BBC Worldwide has removed a 'gay kiss' in the Doctor Who episode Deep Breath for Asian broadcasters. Where vile and sick homophobia is still acceptable, seemingly. The cut scene shows the Silurian Madame Vastra kissing her human wife, Jenny Flint, in an attempt to save her life. The episode saw the pair at the mercy of deadly clockwork 'droids who can only detect living people if they are breathing. With Jenny no longer able to hold her breath, Vastra steps in to share her oxygen. However, the moment was edited out of a version of the episode broadcast on the BBC Entertainment channel in Asian countries like Hong Kong, South Korea, Taiwan, Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore. As there is only one version of the show broadcast to the entire region, the scene is said to have been cut to comply with the MDA broadcast code in Singapore, where the Asian BBC Entertainment feed is relayed from. And, to repeat, where vile and sick homophobia seems to still be acceptable. Their broadcasting code states: 'Information, themes or sub-plots on lifestyles such as homosexuality, lesbianism, bisexualism, transsexualism, transvestism, paedophilia and incest should be treated with utmost caution. Their treatment should not in any way promote, justify or glamorise such lifestyles. Explicit dialogue or information concerning the above topics should not be broadcast.' According to an alleged - though anonymous and, therefore, quite possibly fictitious - BBC 'insider', a breach of this code would have left the Corporation's commercial arm BBC Worldwide liable for a fine, according to Radio Times. BBC Worldwide itself has not commented on the ethical problems of the cut - you know, that fact that it's unjustifiable - but a spokesman explained that, 'in order to comply with broadcast regulations in Asia where our BBC Entertainment channel airs, BBC Worldwide made a brief edit to the first episode of Doctor Who series eight, but did so without detracting from the storyline.' The censorship comes a week after Ofcom rubbished the complaints of six - sick homophobic scum - viewers who thought the kiss was 'inappropriate'. And told them to grow the fek up and get new brains because they ones they currently have are narrow and full of shit. Probably.

Rona Fairhead, ex-head of the Financial Times Group, is poised to become the new chairwoman of the BBC Trust. The lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal Javid said that Fairhead was 'the preferred candidate' to replace Lord Patten, who quit the post in May. Fairhead would be the first woman to chair the Trust, which is the body in charge of overseeing the BBC. She said that she was 'under no illusions about the significance and the enormity of the job' but was 'excited' to have the chance to lead the BBC. 'The BBC is a great British institution packed with talented people and I am honoured to have the opportunity to be the chairman of the BBC Trust,' she said. Fairhead was chairwoman and chief executive of the Financial Times Group between 2006 and 2013 as part of a twelve-year career with its owner, Pearson. In 2012, Fairhead - a non-executive director at HSBC and PepsiCo - became a CBE, receiving the award for services to industry. Earlier this year she was appointed a British Business Ambassador by the Prime Minister. Lord Patten, who was appointed in 2011, left the job of chairman on health grounds following major heart surgery. A BBC spokeswoman said there was an appointment process which still needed to be completed. 'But we welcome the announcement of Rona Fairhead as the preferred candidate for chair of the BBC Trust,' she said. 'We will comment further once the process is complete.' One of the hurdles that Fairhead still has to negotiate before being confirmed in the job will be facing questions from MPs on the Media Select Committee on 9 September. The appointment was ultimately decided by The Queen on a recommendation from the lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal Javid. The vile and odious rascal Javid described Fairhead as an 'exceptional' individual with a 'highly impressive career. Her experience of working with huge multinational corporations will undoubtedly be a real asset at the BBC Trust,' he said. 'I have no doubt she will provide the strong leadership the position demands and will prove to be a worthy champion of licence fee payers. I am sure that under Rona's leadership the BBC will continue to play a central role in informing, educating and entertaining the nation.' Being in charge of the BBC Trust is 'a big job', according to the BBC's media and arts correspondent David Sillito. 'You are overseeing the BBC, but you are also in many ways responsible for being the cheerleader, defending it when politicians have got something to say about the BBC,' he added. Negotiations are about to begin over the BBC's royal charter, which sets out the corporation's purposes and the way it is run. It is reviewed every ten years, and the current charter runs until the end of 2016.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's old mate Paul Cornell has achieved 'a life's ambition' with an article in the new issue of Fortean Times. The article is about the history of Fortean themes in Doctor Who (the appearance of UFOs, ghosts, The Loch Ness Monster, et cetera.) It's based on a lecture that Paul delivered several years ago at the Fortean Times Unconvention, but has been updated to include the whole of the current series thus far.
Top Gear will receive its own French version. BBC Worldwide France announced that the new motoring show will start filming later this year. The format will remain similar to the UK version, but with some added French twists and new presenters. French channel RMC Découverte, which already shows the UK and US version of Top Gear, will broadcast the series in 2015. The Director of Entertainment Brands at BBC Worldwide, Adam Waddell, said: 'The French have some amazing roads and incredible scenery which is why Top Gear UK has often filmed there. Now French petrolheads are going to have their own version of the programme and I have no doubt that the hosts will bring their own personality and sense of humour to the new show. I can't wait to watch it develop.' Local versions of Top Gear are made in Australia, South Korea and the USA and a Chinese version is in the pipeline for later this year. All of which royally pisses off various nasty, waste-of-space middle-class hippy Communists at the Gruniad Morning Star. So, let's have more of that, then.

According to the Metro, the Curiously Orange waste-of-space horrorshow (and drag) Christine Bleakley says that she won't be moving to America 'when her fiancé, Frank Lampard, starts playing for New York City in the spring.' Which, obviously the Americans are all delighted about. It's not fair, though. They've spent decades sending us all of their crap, shouldn't they take her in reparation for, I dunno, The Dukes Of Hazard, or something?

ABC have released the pilot of Selfie, the new comedy starring yer actual Karen Gillan. Based on Pygmalion, Gillan plays Eliza Dooley, who is desperate to become famous via social media, but gets lessons in how to make real friends from an etiquette expert. She stars alongside Star Trek actor John Cho as well as Homeland's David Harewood in the series which debuts on ABC on 30 September.
North Korea has 'slammed' - that's, of course, tabloid-speak for 'went completely mental over' - a new British TV drama series featuring its nuclear weapons programme, urging the British government to scrap the 'slanderous farce' if it wants to maintain diplomatic ties. Hopefully, it will be told by Downing Street to go fek itself and the horse it rode in on. Opposite Number– a series commissioned by Channel Four and announced last month – features a British nuclear scientist character who is captured in North Korea during a covert mission and forced to help weaponise its nuclear technology. The ten-part series is written by Matt Charman - who, one imagines, will be first up against the wall should the Koreans ever invade - and will take viewers inside the 'closed worlds of North Korea' with 'opposing CIA and MI6 agents secretly deployed on the ground in Pyongyang, as the clock ticks on a global-scale nuclear crisis', according to Channel Four. The drama is 'nothing but a slanderous farce' to 'insult and distort' the North's nuclear capability, said some completely mental wanker from the country's top military body, The National Defence Commission. The North is already armed with 'unimaginably powerful nuclear weaponry' and has 'no need of foreign technology', the NDC spokesman claimed in a statement carried by the state news agency. In the English version of the statement, the official said that the programme was being 'orchestrated at the tacit connivance, patronage and instigation by Downing Street.' Which will probably come as a big surprise to Downing Street who, by and large, don't usually get involved in the writing and commissioning of TV dramas. The NDC called on the UK authorities to 'throw these reactionary movies into a cesspit and punish those behind the projects if it wants to help maintain the bilateral relations.' Which, frankly, sounds exactly like the sort of thing the Daily Scum Mail usually want the Tories to do to both the BBC and Channel Four. They're mental as well, by the way. The North has staged three atomic tests, most recently in 2013, and has often threatened nuclear strikes against major foes Seoul and Washington. Although the lack of any follow up to such blatant posturing suggests that, actually, they haven't got any nuclear weapons and are just a bunch of goosestepping bullies - with really small penises - who could do with being slapped down. Hard. The impoverished state, which is subject to heavy sanctions by the rest of the world, is believed to be attempting to develop a miniaturised nuclear warhead for use on long range missiles, but experts believe it is far from perfecting the technology. Well, at least, they hope it is. And, given what he's just written, yer actual Keith Telly Topping rather hopes that as well. The isolated Stalinist state also bristles at foreign movies mocking its leadership, especially the various nutter members of the Kim family which has ruled the country for some six decades with an iron fist and pervasive personality cult. In June, the North denounced a new Hollywood film about a bid to assassinate its leader Kim Jong-un (and his titchy todger) as 'a wanton act of terror' and warned of 'a merciless response' unless the US government banned the film. Which it hasn't done. So, where's this merciless response then, eh, big lads? The Interview stars Seth Rogen and James Franco as two tabloid TV reporters who land an interview with Kim No Dong in Pyongyang and are then tasked with killing him by the CIA. The North's United Nations envoy also lodged a formal protest at the UN against the movie, calling it 'the most undisguised sponsoring of terrorism.'

Pakistan's national television channel is back on-air after security forces removed anti-government protesters from its headquarters in Islamabad. Troops were sent in to regain control from demonstrators who had forced their way into the PTV offices. Earlier on Monday, fresh clashes erupted between protesters and police in the capital. Protesters loyal to opposition leader Imran Khan and cleric Tahirul Qadri want the Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif to resign. He denies corruption and electoral fraud. Both Khan and Qadri have 'urged calm' and asked their supporters to co-operate with the army. Demonstrators have been taking part in a sit-in in the capital for two weeks. A number of policemen are reported to have been injured in Monday's violence. Thousands of demonstrators - some wielding batons and throwing stones - moved on the main building housing Pakistan's federal bureaucracy and Prime Minister's House. Riot police were forced to retreat from the main road in front of parliament, Constitution Avenue. Protesters attacked vehicles and set fire to shipping containers placed on the street as roadblocks. Crowds of angry young protesters, many wielding batons, met little resistance as they stormed the PTV building. Private news channels showed live pictures of protesters shouting slogans and barging into recording studios and smashing equipment. Shortly afterwards troops arrived and peacefully escorted the demonstrators out of the building before transmissions resumed. On Sunday night protesters used trucks to smash through the outer fence of the parliament building, even though the building was guarded by troops. Demonstrators have been taking part in a sit-in in the centre of the capital for two weeks. Protests had been peaceful until Saturday, when violence broke out. Last year's elections marked Pakistan's first civilian transfer of power.

BBC News programmes could be hit by industrial action later this month over plans to cut more than four hundred posts, after union members voted to strike over the proposed cuts. The National Union of Journalists and broadcasting union BECTU said on Monday that their BBC members had voted in favour of strike action after management declined to give undertakings that there would be no compulsory redundancies and a freeze on external redundancies. The unions argue that given the high level of interest in applying for voluntary redundancy – four hundred and seventy volunteers, according to BECTU – which they put down to low morale within BBC News, the corporation should be able to avoid compulsory departures. James Harding, the BBC's director of news and current affairs, announced in July that the corporation was seeking forty eight million smackers in annual savings from the division, some as part of the ongoing Delivering Quality First cost-cutting initiative. A further four hundred and fifteen posts will be cut, but one hundred and ninety five new positions created, meaning a net reduction of two hundred and twenty full-time posts. Red Michelle Stanistreet, the NUJ's general secretary, said: 'Morale is at a record low, with staff working in an atmosphere described by one journalist as one of "fear and loathing." Added to a process which is being mismanaged and where individuals are being treated appallingly, in a manner that is fundamentally inhumane, and the public will understand why NUJ members are saying enough is enough.' Luke Crawley, BECTU assistant general secretary, said: 'Given that the BBC has over four hundred and seventy volunteers for redundancy and one hundred and ninety five new posts to fill, it would be easy to give us the guarantees we are seeking. The fact that management refuses to do so raise fears amongst staff that the BBC is not committed to redeploying the maximum number of staff. The BBC should realise that rather than making redundancy payments to people who want to continue working for the BBC, licence fee payers' money should be saved by redeploying staff elsewhere in the corporation.”' A BBC spokeswoman said: 'BBC News has recently announced a savings programme of nearly fifty million pounds to address pressures from the licence fee settlement. The process of implementation, as relates to both restructuring and redundancies, has only just begun. We are aiming to work with colleagues across the BBC and with their union representatives in carrying through this challenging programme. We are disappointed that the unions have chosen to ballot for industrial action when the consultation process has barely started.' Up the workers, baby.

The BBC is proposing to release confidential communications between its journalists and South Yorkshire police after being angered at comments by the SYP Chief Constable regarding its coverage of the raid on Sir Cliff Richard's flat. James Harding, the BBC's Director of News and Current Affairs, has written to David Crompton, head of the embattled police force which is also under fire over its disgraceful handling of the Rotherham sex abuse scandal, asking whether Crompton will authorise Harding to release e-mails, text messages and the contents of 'off-the-record conversations' between the two organisations. Stopping just short of calling Crompton and lying git, the letter was sent ahead of their joint appearance in front of MPs on Tuesday. It is understood that senior executives at the corporation are proper furious at various comments in a letter from Crompton to Keith Vaz, chairman of the Home Affairs Select Committee and made publicly, particularly the suggestion that the BBC was involved in a 'cover-up'. Something South Yorkshire police themselves have plenty of previous experience in. In the event the committee appears to have believed the BBC rather than the pollis. The BBC acted 'perfectly properly' in its dealings with South Yorkshire police over coverage of the raid, according to Keith Vaz, summing up at the end of Tuesday afternoon's hearing on how the BBC got the story and was able to cover the raid as it happened. Vaz said that he and his select committee colleagues thought the corporation had 'acted perfectly properly in respect of this matter.' Earlier, Vaz had told the hapless Crompton that his force had shown 'gross lack of competence' in its dealings with the Beeb. Vaz was speaking after Crompton finally admitted that the BBC reporter pursuing the story found out about the planned raid from the South Yorkshire force. Crompton was also questioned about why his force decided to do a deal with the BBC journalist, Dan Johnson, and why it had not sought to talk to more senior figures at the corporation to prevent the story running. Tony Hall, the BBC Director General, appeared before committee after Crompton and said that if the police  had asked the corporation not to run the story, it would have obliged. 'Had the chief constable come to a news editor, head of news gathering, James Harding or myself and said to us "if you run this story you will hamper this investigation, it would be damaging to this investigation" we would not have run the story,' Hall said. 'I want you to be absolutely clear about that. We would not have run the story.' Hall added that Johnson went to South Yorkshire police to discuss 'a number of stories' and had received a tip-off from a source - which he will not reveal - referring to Cliff Richard. There was, he said, 'no hint in any of that of us knowing any more than the name Cliff Richard', the rest of the information, including the fact that a raid was planned on Richard's home was volunteered to the BBC by South Yorkshire police. 'The reporter didn't have a story until he went to South Yorkshire police, who then gave him a story,' Hall said. The broadcaster's head of newsgathering, Jonathan Munro, said that Johnson was even sent an aerial shot of the apartment block where Richard has a property by the police to help the journalist identify the right location. He said that the reporter denied having said anything about Operation Yewtree during his conversations with South Yorkshire police, or giving 'any clue' as to the source of his original tip off, and that had kept notes of his meeting with South Yorkshire police before the raid. 'Dan Johnson totally denies mentioning Yewtree by name or the Metropolitan Police force or indeed any other clue as to the identity of the source for the original story,' Munro added. 'I wasn't in that meeting with South Yorkshire police but I believe him to he an honest and professional journalist and he completely denies this.' Asked if sending a helicopter above Richard's residence to film the raid on 14 August was 'OTT', Hall said: 'The reporter was told by South Yorkshire police it would be difficult to get good shots from the ground, the operational decision was then taken to use a helicopter.' He added: 'Looking at the output was it used disproportionately? No. Was it, as some people say, running the search live? We weren't. The only live shots were run at 4.30pm when the cars came out.' He added: 'It was a proper story for us to cover, in the right matter, proportionately, which I think is what we did. I wasn't surprised the police didn't ask us not to broadcast the story.' Crompton, was roundly condemned by members of the committee. Crompton claimed that he feared if the force did not co-operate the BBC would run with the story and ruin his force's investigation. MPs expressed disbelief that Crompton, who criticised the BBC's subsequent coverage as 'intrusive', had not done more to try to prevent it from running the story - like speaking to someone i n charge. Vaz, said: 'We have been amazed at the sheer incompetence of the way this has been dealt with. Criminals must be rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of dealing with your officers who appear to give in at the first opportunity. You blame everybody else but as far as you are concerned you did everything right.' Crompton said: 'We had a job to do. I apologise to Sir Cliff if we were insensitive about the way we did that. We had an investigation, the problem for us was that investigation could never be done in a low profile way because it was fatally compromised from the outset.' The singer's apartment was searched by officers from South Yorkshire and Thames Valley police as part of an investigation into an alleged sexual assault on a boy at a religious event in Sheffield in 1985. Richard, who was on holiday in Portugal at the time of the search, has firmly denied any wrongdoing and has not, at this stage, been arrested or charged with any offence. Hall defended the scale of the BBC's coverage of the raid on 14 August, including the use of a helicopter, after critics accused it of participating in 'a witch-hunt' and behaving 'like the worst tabloid newspaper.' Hall said: 'In a variety of different ways allegations of sexual abuse going back many years are, regrettably, a matter of public interest. What you saw from the air was a number of police cars and you saw the scale of the operation.' Asked if he felt any sympathy for the singer because of the extent of the BBC's coverage, Hall said: 'Our job was to make sure what Sir Cliff had to say about the search and about his own innocence was properly reflected.' Harding, also denied Crompton's claim that Johnson had named the Metropolitan police, specifically its Operation Yewtree inquiry, as the original source of his story. He said Johnson 'did nothing to disclose his source.' Crompton claimed he did not 'escalate' the issue with the BBC management because he 'thought' they would run the story anyway. 'We were placed in a very difficult position because of the original leak,' he said. 'My concern was if we showed the BBC the door, the very clear impression which had been left was that they were likely to publish the story that would have impeded the investigation.' He added: 'I didn't have that much faith that we could trust it wouldn't be published. You only have to look at Leveson to find a number of examples that were core to that particular inquiry where the media decided to publish anyway. That was something very much in my mind.' Vaz said the way Crompton had described it 'sounds like blackmail.' Crompton replied: 'Blackmail is a very strong word. It put us in a very difficult position.' Crompton, who admitted he had been 'a little naive', said he was 'confident that we made the right decision in difficult and unusual circumstances.' Vaz told Crompton he had been 'more than a little naive.' He said the BBC had acted 'perfectly proportionately' in its reporting of the affair. South Yorkshire police has already complained to the BBC about its coverage before the hearing, claiming that an analysis piece posted on the broadcaster's website was 'an attempt to distance itself' from what had happened. In doing so, he used the horribly loaded phrase 'cover-up' - to the obvious glee of the Daily Scum Mail - and to the fury of the BBC who claims they did no such thing or anything even remotely like it. Ironic, really, considering the amount of cover-ups that South Yorkshire police themselves have been involved in relating to Hillsborough, for example. Justice for the ninety six, dear blog reader. Crompton argued that the analysis piece on the BBC website had 'given the false impression' South Yorkshire police had worked with the media outlet to generate publicity for the force. However, Vaz said that Harding has claimed the police chief has text messages and e-mails in his possession which would entirely disprove this argument. Agreeing to hand over the text messages and e-mails, Crompton somewhat defensively added: 'Texts and e-mails are read in the cold light of day. What you can not add to that equation by publishing them are any phone calls that may intersperse different texts or e-mails and some of that is key to where Mr Harding might be going. If you just read the e-mails you can get an impression. Unless you’re aware of some of the phone calls interspersed with the e-mails you don’t get the full impression.' Which rather sounds like a further attempt to blame anyone but himself for the fiasco. Crompton said that he, his head of media Carrie Goodwin, and the senior investigating officer Matt Fenwick agreed to make the deal with the BBC. He told the committee that he believed the leak had come from Operation Yewtree because 'the detail of the information was basically everything that we had, and we had less than two weeks before received that information from Operation Yewtree.' Once again, the BBC utterly deny this and, instead, claim that all Dan Johnson had before he spoke to South Yorkshire police's head of media, was Richard's name. Scotland Yard’s assistant commissioner, Martin Hewitt, has said the force is investigating whether the leak came from London. In a letter to the committee, he said: 'If our inquiries reveal that Yewtree, or any other Metropolitan police member of staff, is the source of the story to the BBC, then we will do all we can to identify them and hold them to account.' Further questions will be put to Crompton when he returns in front of the committee next week.

And, finally, Sky Sports News has apologised after it broadcast swearing and scenes of a football fan waving a large purple sex toy during its transfer deadline day coverage. Communications watchdog Ofcom could launch an investigation after an initially unspecified number of viewers complained to it about 'foul-mouthed outbursts' being broadcast live. Reporters covering the day’s events had to deal with crowds of rowdy supporters outside the grounds and had to apologise several times during the day for the swearing. The chaotic scenes included a fan who waved a sex toy at Sky Sports News's Alan Irwin when he was reporting on Tom Cleverley possibly leaving The Scum. A memorable moment to be sure. The reporter impressively managed to remain calm despite continued provocation from the fan, who was eventually removed by security. And, hopefully, taken around the back and given a damned good shoeing before being told to grow the fek up. In another incident, yhe alleged 'TV comic' Simon Brodkin - who is, frankly, about as funny as a good hard kick in the knackers - turned up in character as his footballer creation Jason Bent, claiming he had signed for Queens Park Strangers to 'play in the Premiership this season and in the Championship next season.' Ofcom said that 'about eight' viewers complained about offensive language. The complaints are being assessed before the watchdog decides whether to investigate the coverage. The channel said that it has not had any direct complaints itself. Its coverage, fronted by the odious Jim White, has a cult following among many football fans desperate to discover whom their team have signed before the closure of the transfer window. A Sky Sports News spokesman said: 'Millions of viewers followed our coverage of transfer deadline day, which included over two hundred and seventy live reporter updates from outside football clubs over the final twenty four hours. We apologise to those whose enjoyment was spoiled by a small number of incidents and we’re looking into ways to avoid this happening again in the future whilst ensuring fans remain a key part our live coverage.'

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's some sound advice from The Primes.

'Spaceship disguised as a castle. Very neat. You and your robots are plundering the surrounding countryside for all its worth.'
'Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw who robbed from the rich to give to the poor? He's made up. There's no such thing.' Every few months, dear blog reader, almost without exception one of the broadsheets in the UK will publish a rather sniffy article about the results of one of those pointless polls which periodically get taken and appear to suggest that a significant minority of British adults are sub-literate troglodytes with shat for brains. You know the kind of thing: 'Twenty per cent of people questioned thought that Winston Churchill was a fictional character or "that dog off the insurance commercials."' In part, you can understand the journalist's horror - some people are, undeniably, bone-thick scum and probably worthy of being humanely destroyed. Notably this blogger. But, equally, you'll often find this kind of thing is just as interesting for highlighting the fact that the snotty, full-of-their-own-importance Middle Class Hippy bell-end writing such articles in the Gruniad and the Indi and - just to prove that it's not, solely, the province of the left - the Torygraph have their own gaps in knowledge. For instance, you'll invariably get a hideously sneering comment - followed by almost comic snorts of derision - along the lines of 'some people even, seemingly, think that King Arthur and Robin Hood were real people.' Well, yes. Because they were. Probably. Possibly. Maybe. I mean, whether Arthur Pendragon actually was a fifth century Romano-British (most likely Welsh) local chieftain who fought the invading Anglo-Saxons at Camlann and, a couple of hundred years later, found himself, briefly, mentioned in Annales Cambriae and then shoehorned into that narrow crack between history and myth remains a tough question to answer. The details of Arthur's story are mainly composed of folklore and medieval (and Victorian) literary invention and his historical existence is still vigorously debated by modern historians. However, many historians - not just 'some people on the Internet' either - are convinced that the mythical Robin Hood was, indeed, based on a real person. Sir JC Holt (1922-2014) medieval historian and Master of FitzWilliam College, Cambridge, for instance, argued persuasively for a 'historical' Robin Hood whom he placed in the early Thirteenth Century.
Alternatively, the origin of the legend of Robin Hood is claimed by some historians to have stemmed from actual outlaws, or from word-of-mouth tales of real outlaws, such as Hereward The Wake, Eustace The Monk, Fulk FitzWarin and William Wallace. There are a number of theories which attempt to identify a historical Robin Hood. A difficulty with any such historical search, of course, is that Robert was, in medieval England, a very common given name and Robin (or Robyn), especially in the Twelfth and Thirteenth Centuries, was its, equally common, diminutive. The surname Hood (or variants like Hoode, Hude or Hode) was also quite common because it referred either to a Hooder - a maker of hoods - or, alternatively, to somebody who regularly wore a hood. A 'hoodie', if you like. Unsurprisingly, therefore, reference is made to a number of people called Robert Hood or similar in medieval records. Some of these individuals are even known to have fallen foul of the law at some point. There was, for example, a chap from Wakefield called Robyn Hode recorded as being employed in the service of Edward II in 1323 during the king's progress through Lancashire.
'Shut it, Hoodie!' Comparing the available records with, especially, the Fifteenth Century ballad A Lyttell Geste of Robyn Hode (child ballad one hundred and seventeen) and also other folk ballads of slightly later dates, a fairly detailed theory has evolved - initially proposed by the Victorian antiquarian Joseph Hunter (1783-1861) - which suggests that the fictional Robin Hood was likely based on a similarly-named adherent of the rebel Earl of Lancaster, defeated at the Battle of Boroughbridge in 1322 by King Edward. According to this theory, Robyn Hode was subsequently pardoned and employed by the king as a forester. A Lyttell Geste Of Robyn Hode, incidentally, is one of the oldest surviving tales containing the - mythical - character of Hood. It was first printed between 1492 and 1534, but shows signs of having been put together from several already existing tales. It is a lengthy ballad, written in Middle English and consisting of eight fyttes. It is also the first text which introduces some of Robin's merrie men - Little John, Will Scarlet (initially called Scatheloke or variants) and Much, the Miller's son. And, of course, Robin's nemesis The Sheriff of Nottingham. In a 2005 episode of Qi, it was revealed that Robin's tights were actually the colour Lincoln Graine, a shade of bright scarlet and not Lincoln Green as generally supposed. In A Lyttell Geste Of Robyn Hode ('is that the New Zealand version?' Clive Anderson asked Stephen Fry), the colour and finery of the merrie men's clothes were mentioned frequently which has led to a recent theory that the stories may have originated in the Midlands clothing guilds as a way of advertising their wares. The first definite reference to 'rhymes of Robin Hood' which has so far been identified is from line five thousand three hundred and ninety six of William Langland's late-Fourteenth Century poem Piers Plowman (circa 1370). In these early accounts, Robin's partisanship of the lower classes, his Marianism and associated courtly regard for women, his outstanding skill as an archer and swordsman, his anti-clericalism and his particular animosity towards the establishment (as represented, usually, by The Sheriff) are already well developed.
'You'll only be disappointed. No damsels in distress. No pretty castles. And no such thing as Robin Hood!' In popular culture, Robin Hood is typically seen as a contemporary and supporter of the Twelfth Century monarch Richard Cœur de Lion (1157-1199), Robin being driven to his naughty-but-nice outlaw ways during the misrule of The Lionheart's usurper brother, Prince John, whilst Good King Richard was away giving the Saracens a damned good shellacking in the Holy Land. The fact that Richard I was extremely French and spent only six months of his life in England notwithstanding. This view first gained currency in the Sixteenth Century. The oldest surviving ballad is Robyn Hode and the Monk (child ballad one hundred and nineteen) which appears to have been written circa 1450, thus pre-dating A Lyttell Geste Of Robyn Hode by a couple of decades. It features a similar cast of characters - and with similar characteristics - though there is no mention of Maid Marian, Alan-A-Dale, Friar Tuck or any other, more peripheral, characters who would be added to the legend in subsequent retellings. Contrary to a recent assertion that Friar Tuck was a Victorian addition, the character appears in the fragment of a Robin Hood play from around 1475, sometimes called Robin Hood and the Knight. These early ballads are also quite clear on Robin Hood's social status: he is a yeoman (a lower middle class social climber, no less). While the precise meaning of the term has changed over time, including free retainers of an aristocrat and small landholders, it always referred to commoners as opposed to the nobility slumming it in the forest with he peasants. The essence of it in the present context was neither a knight nor a knave but something in between. From the Sixteenth Century on, there were various attempts to elevate Robin to the nobility and in two extremely influential plays the writer Anthony Munday presented him as The Earl of Huntingdon. Thereafter, the title Earl of Loxley (near Sheffield) has become most associated with the legend. It's also notable that in The Canterbury Tales (written circa 1390-95), Geoffrey Chaucer was clearly familiar with the Robin Hood legends. As his description, in The Prologue, of the Knight's yeoman proves ('he was clad in cote and hood of grene, a sheef of pecok arwes, bright and kene'). Which proves that even at that early date, the tales were already so well established and widespread that a popular author felt confident enough to parody them in the knowledge that his readership would get the allusion.
'Robin Hood laughs in the face of all.''And, do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?''Not as yet.''Then it's lucky I'm here, isn't it?' From there, the legend has been told and retold down through the years to the present day. Robin Hood. You know, chap in tights. Hangs out with his - not in the slightest bit gay - chums in the woods. 'Fear'd by the bad/loved by the good.' Played by Errol Flynn, Douglas Fairbanks, Cornel Wilde, John Derek, Richard Todd, Patrick Troughton (yes, that was an image of him in the spaceship data memory-bank), Don Taylor, Richard Greene, Hugh Paddick, Keith Chegwin (I'm not making this up), Sean Connery, John Cleese, Michael Praed (brilliantly), Jason Connery (really badly), Kevin Costner (even worse that Jason Connery), Patrick Bergin, Cary Elwes, Jonas Armstrong, Jason Braly, Russell Crowe and ... a cartoon fox. And now, Tom Riley.
In an interview with the Doctor Who Magazine, Mark Gatiss stated that his intention with the episode Robot Of Sherwood was 'to do The Doctor and Robin Hood in forty five minutes.'Stop tittering at the back. He went on: 'The premise is, inherently, funny but I didn't think of it as the funnier episode when I was doing it. It's still asking big questions. But it's definitely more frivolous.' Location filming for the episode took place in Fforest Fawr from 15 April 2014 and, later, at Caerphilly Castle. There was considerable media attention at the announcement that the episode would be featuring the great Ben Miller as a successor to Melville Cooper, Alan Rickman, Keith Allen, Roger Rees, Robert Shaw, Tony Robinson, Matthew Macfadyen, Nickolas Grace and ... a cartoon wolf, et al, as The Sheriff. Soon to be seen opposite yer actual David Tennant (and Billy Connolly) in Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin's What We Did On Our Holidays, Ben told Metro that: 'Mark Gatiss has written a proper villain. My sheriff is so much fun to play - no holding back with him. It makes you proud to think our TV industry is capable of making something like that. Despite the size of it, when you're on set it feels very intimate. You feel at home, you could be shooting with some mates. It's not a show where you don't see the stars except for their takes. Peter and Jenna are on-set the whole time.' Given Ben's science background - he studied solid state physics at Cambridge - the star of Death In Paradise, Primeval and That Armstrong and Miller Show believes that Doctor Who is 'very improbability is exciting. We are in thrall of time because it's the only thing we can't do anything about. We're held prisoner by it, so to imagine we can is wonderful. The central message - out there is an alien who wants to help us - [is] like a comfort blanket. Isn't that a fantastically positive idea?' Harsh.
'It’s not a competition to see who can die slower!''It would definitely be me, though wouldn't it!' The premise of the episode was simple enough: The Doctor offers Clara a chance to go anywhere in space and time. Clara asks if she can go to Sherwood Forest in the Twelfth Century and meet the real Robin Hood. But, the Doctor is dismissive of the very idea. There was, after all, no such person as Robin Hood. He's a fictional construct based on lots of bits of legend and myth. Or, is he ...? 'In a sun-dappled Sherwood Forest, The Doctor discovers an evil plan from beyond the stars and strikes up an unlikely alliance with Robin Hood. With all of Nottingham at stake, The Doctor must decide who is real and who is fake. Can impossible heroes really exist?' according to the official BBC synopsis. Production ran smoothly although some last minute editing was required to one particular scene due to some very horrible real-world events which occurred days before transmission. Which, of course, most people entirely understood but some selfish, over-grown children in fandom couldn't help whinging about. To anyone that would listen (and, indeed, anyone that wouldn't).
'You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets ... Guard! He's laughing again! You can't lock me in here with a laughing person.' After two rather dark episodes to open Peter Capaldi's era on Doctor Who, Robot Of Sherwood undeniably has its tongue firmly inserted into its own cheek. Which is good. It works. Gatiss is clever at working pithy notions like this into the seriers' fabric (see, for instance, his Hammer Studios deconstruction The Crimson Horror or his take on the world of Charles Dickens, The Unquiet Dead). Simultaneously taking the piss out of the Hollywood bastardisation of British legends but, also, having something wise to say on the subject of how myths grow in the first place. Besides the obvious influence of previous Doctor Who stories about alien interference with Earth history like The Android Invasion, The Shakespeare Code, The Myth Makers and The Time Meddler, Robot Of Sherwood plays amusing games around the idea of ownership of ones own legacy in history. If Into The Dalek last week questioned whether The Doctor is a good man, Robot Of Sherwood asks an equally important question; is The Doctor a hero? And, if he is, what does that say about his frequently stated wish not to be. 'He's full of surprises, isn't it?'

'This isn't a real sandal!' Clara is responsible for this particular excursion when The Doctor, as is so often his want, gives his companion the choice of all of time and space to visit. Clara asks The Doctor to take her to see the outlaw of folklore whom she loved as a child. This episode is a much more light-hearted affair than its immediate predecessors and, it's probably fair to say, is for the most part played for laughs by the cast. Which will come as a welcome relief to those who've been looking for a shade more levity, but for anyone sold on the 'into darkness' conceit of series eight so far it may seem to be a tonal shift too far. Like I say, for this blogger, it works and works well. We need 'a funny one' every now and then. The new Doctor has, so far, been portrayed as a far colder regeneration. More alien and, as a consequence, seemingly more callous and indifferent to the plight of others. Here, whilst still prickly, he has more fun with the role. From the opening scene, Peter seems to be very much going for a Jon Pertwee vibe, the quick-talking, witty man of action. This is never better illustrated that in The Doctor's first encounter with Robin the Hooded Man which ends in a rousing fight over a river with different weapons of choice. 'I don't have a sword. I don't need a sword. Because I'm The Doctor. And this is my spoon.' A large chunk of the episode sees Robin and The Doctor forced, in an Odd Couple-style(e), to work together, complete with whole scenes of the pair bitchily bickering at each other with Clara a horrified schoolma'am-in-the-middle. Jenna Coleman gets to take charge in a clever little twist, a particular highlight being her 'dinner date' with The Sheriff who, of course, has his wicked eyes set on making her his new consort. Tom Riley brings a suitably thigh-slapping charm to his role, while Ben Miller supplies his usual post-apocalyptic blend of lugubrious cheek, sarcasm and casual style to the role of The Sheriff. There's even an Armstrong & Miller joke for the observant ('kill them all!') There is plenty of action and explosions, a - necessary - archery contest and the anticipated final sword duel. The director, Paul Murphy, displays a keen eye for scene construction and the location work is properly lovely to look at.

'Robot! Now we're getting somewhere!' Continuity: There are dialogue references to, in no particular order, The Ice Warriors ('what about Mars? The Ice Warrior hives'), The Time Warrior ('you bony rascal'), The Crusade (the allusion to Richard the Lionheart), The Mind Robber (Cyrano De Bergerac), Nightmare In Silver ('could be a theme park from the future'), Carnival Of Monsters ('... or, maybe we're inside a miniscope'), The King's Demons (Bad Prince John), The Day Of The Doctor ('Quickest way to find out anybody's plans - get yourself captured'), Rose ('last of the Time Lords'), Deep Breath ('The Promised Land again. Like the Half-Face Man'), The Aztecs ('What you're doing will alter the course of history') and An Unearthly Child ('Is it so hard to credit, that a man born to wealth and privilege should find the plight of the weak and the oppressed too much to bear. Till one night he is moved to steal a TARDIS and fly among the stars to join the good fight'). There are also historical references to the murder of Thomas Beckett in 1170 ('who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?'), the Peasants' Revolt (1381), Das Kapital ('he's the opiate of the masses') and, for no obvious reason that this blogger can fathom, to the song 'My Way'. Plus, amusingly, a nod in the direction of the truly wretched Prince Of Thieves, and of the actor probably most associated with the role of Robin Hood his very self ('Errol Flynn. Had the most enormous ... ego').

'Are you from beyond the stars?''You're the one with the robot army, you tell me!' Gatiss, it hardly needs noting, is a terrific writer of funny dialogue - he started out, after all, as a comedy writer. Robot Of Sherwood is one of his amusing ones. 'The Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light! Those girls can hold their drink. And fracture fifteen different levels of reality simultaneously. I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere.' And: 'All those diseases. If you were real, you'd be dead in six months.' And: 'It is indeed this jackal of the Prince's who aims to oppress us for evermore.''Or six months, in your case.' And: 'It's very green hereabouts, though, isn't it? And, like I said, very sunny.''So?''Have you ever been to Nottingham?''Climate change?''It's 1190!' Mark gives Ben Miller plenty of opportunity to go so far over the top he's down the other side in an Alan Rickman 'cancel Christmas!' style. As in: 'You will live to regret that. Actually, no. You won't.' This is particularly true of his scenes with Jenna Coleman who is rapidly turning into an actress who can easily hold her own with some of this country's finest comedy talents: 'Your words are strange, fair one. But I like you. You are refreshingly ... direct.''You can take the girl out of Blackpool ...' And: 'Shortly, I will become the most powerful man in the realm. King in all but name! For Nottingham is not enough!''It isn't?''After this ... Derby! Then Lincoln! And after Lincoln ...''Worksop?' There's something genuinely heart-warming in the way she bosses The Doctor around, as well. 'Can you explain your plan without using the words "sonic screwdriver"?' for instance. Peter himself, of course, thrives on this kind of angrily logical material: 'I'm totally against bantering!' And: 'When did you stop believing in everything??''When did you start believing in impossible heroes?' And: 'Long haired ninny versus killer robot knights? I know where I'd put my money.' And: 'First, a blacksmith's forge.''So as to remove our chains?''No, so I can knock up an ornamental plant stand.' And: '"Soiled myself?''Did you? That's getting into character!' There are in-jokes a-plenty - 'You are as pale as milk. It's the way with the Scots. Strangers to vegetables' - in a script which mixes the stirring - 'What does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope!' - and the thoughtful. 'I'm not a hero,' The Doctor tells Robin. 'Neither am I,' replies the outlaw. 'But if we keep pretending to be, perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And, may those stories, never end.'
'History is a burden.' So, that was Robot Of Sherwood, dear blog reader. Exploring the serious business of who writes the present for the 'entertainment' of the future with some sly wit and knowing glances to its audience. It's an episode very much in the tradition of Doctor Who's previous flirtations with historical fact and historical fiction going right the way back to 1963. It's a pseudo-historical with a smart rationale for the inclusion of various SF clichés within it. It's got clever moments and more than a few beautifully daft ones. Some viewers will love it - they'll admire the in-jokes, the slapstick, the arrow contest and Alan-A-Dale's tediously crappy songs ('Oh, give it a rest, Alan' says a thoroughly cheesed-off Will Scarlet at one point). They'll have fun with the subversion of the text it's based on and the rather old school feel of the whole thing. Robot Of Sherwood is, genuinely, not unlike a mid-1970s Jon Pertwee episode either in concept or execution, only with somewhat better effects and less running up and down corridors to pad it out to six episodes. Which when you think about it, being written by and featuring a lead actor both of whom are self-confessed Pertwee nuts is hardly surprising (check out the bit of quasi-Venusian Aikido, complete with trademark 'Hai!')
Robots Of Sherwood is, it's probably fair to say, the most Doctor Who-like episode of the series so far and a lot of the audience, I suspect, will rather warm to it for exactly that reason. Other people - not many, but a few (the usual suspects, essentially) - will find something in it to whinge about, But then, those are the sort of professional offence-takers who tend to get avoided in the streets and never get invited to the cool parties anyway. So, you know, their loss. 'This is getting silly,' says The Doctor at one point. Yes. Deliciously so.
For the second week running, Doctor Who looks likely to post a timeshift of over two million viewers from its initial overnight 'live' audience. After Deep Breath's overnight 6.9 million audience raised to a final, consolidated figure of 9.17 million, Into The Dalek also looks set for a major increase. With an overnight figure of 5.2 million, after five days, video on demand timeshift figures had already increased the total to 7.19 million. The final 'plus seven' figure will be released by the BARB early next week.
Yer actual Peter Capaldi has been named TV Personality of the year at the 2014 GQ Men Of The Year Awards. The actor was presented with the award by Jenna Coleman, at a special event at the Royal Opera House in Covent Garden earlier this week. The awards, presented in association with Hugo Boss, are now now in their seventeenth year. On receiving the award, Peter said: 'I've been very lucky because in the past I've received awards for my acting. This is the first I've received for my personality, which I assume means they've never met me. The reason I've got this award is because I got the chance to play the roll of a lifetime twice. Malcolm Tucker in The Thick Of It. And I also got to play [The Doctor in] Doctor Who. The real people who know the personality of the year are my family - my mother and my sister and my wife who have put with my personality and endured it to the point that I can get this.' Previous GQ awards have been won by Peter's predecessor Matt Smith who was named Best Actor in 2010 and Most Stylish Man in 2011. Another of this year's winners was yer actual Benny Cumberbatch who won the Actor of the Year award.
A 'special edition' DVD of Sherlock's third series will include never-before-seen footage. The release will be available in November at all good DVD shops. And some bad ones as well. The DVD includes all three ninety minute episodes from the series - The Empty Hearse, The Sign Of Three and His Last Vow - plus a selection of new bonus materials, all of which could easily have been included on the normal release DVD which came out in January but, didn't. Because, you know, why get people to buy something once when you can get them to buy it two or even three times? Let me be clear, this blogger has no objection whatsoever to the BBC's commercial arm seeking to commercially exploit and make money from the programmes which it produces. That's fine. But, this is just taking the piss. They must think we're idiots. And, of course, they're right, we are because we'll all still end up buying the damn thing come November. The extras include: Never-seen-before outtakes from series two and three, an exclusive deleted scene from series three, new audio commentary with Una Stubbs, Steven Moffat, Sue Vertue and Mark Gatiss, three forty five minute documentaries made by PBS in America that include behind-the-scene footage, an Unlocking Sherlock documentary and Many Happy Returns, the seven-minute Red Button mini-episode which bridged the gap between series two and three. So, what do you think the chances are of BBC Worldwide doing a part exchange for anybody who bought the first DVD release, then? Zero? Less?

Meanwhile, speaking of BBC Worldwide DVD's - they're not all complete rip-offs. For example, yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self has this delivered to him on Saturday afternoon (I always thought the Royal Mail knocked-off making deliveries around noon on Saturdays. Seemingly not). So, if anybody wants this blogger for about the next fortnight, I'll probably be busy watching one of the forty seven million extras on these little beauties.
The new ITV drama Chasing Shadows launched with a, not particularly impressive overnight audience on Thursday. The Reece Shearsmith, Alex Kingston and Noel Clarke series opened with  an average of 3.38m at 9pm. Earlier, Paul O'Grady's For the Love Of Dogs returned for a new series with 3.70m at 8.30pm. BBC1's DIY SOS: The Big Build topped the night overall outside soaps with 4.55m at 8pm, followed by Sheridan Smith's episode of Who Do You Think You Are? with 4.06m at 9pm. So You Think You Can Drive? was seen by 1.92m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Young Vets appealed to 1.45m at 7pm, while Egypt's Lost Queens gathered 1.53m at 8pm. The one-off TV movie Castles In The Sky - a handsome Eddie Izzard vehicle about Robert Watson Watt, the inventor of radar - brought in a highly respectable 1.91m at 9pm. Channel Four's Location, Location, Location interested 1.37m at 8pm, followed by the launch of Educating The East End with 1.80m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Celebrity Big Brother continued with 1.48m at 9pm, while Dallas returned for a new series with six hundred and seven eight thousand at 10pm.

On Friday The ONE Show kicked off the evening for BBC1 with 2.95 million overnight viewers at 7pm. It was followed by 2.57 million for A Question Of Sport at 7.30pm, and 2.62 million for Scrappers at 8.30pm. The channel's steady - and very unspectacular - viewing figures continued with 2.86 million for Boomers at 9pm, followed by 2.64 million for that rubbish Big School. Outnumbered and Live At The Apollo ended the evening with respective viewing figures of 1.83 million and 1.22 million. So, a broadly disappointing night for BBC1 but a truly rotten one for ITV. Gino's Italian Escape: A Taste Of The Sun was watched by 2.62 million at 8pm, while 2.31 million tuned in to watch the new series of That Oily Twat Piers Morgan's Life Stories at 9pm. Full-of-his-own-importance sacked tabloid editor and, more recently sacked US chat show host Morgan's first guest on his horrible exercise in brown-tonguing was the odious greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Alesha Dixon. Celebrity Antiques Road Trip kicked the evening off off for BBC2 with 1.12 million at 7pm. It was followed by 1.82 million for Mastermind and 1.51 million for The Hairy Bakers. BBC2's evening peaked with 2.49 million for The Great British Bake Off, An Extra Slice - which, very amusingly, beat Piers Morgan's figure in the slot - while Gardeners' World attracted 2.04 million immediately after. Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was Channel Four's highest-rated show of the evening, attracting 1.57 million at 9pm. It was sandwiched between eight hundred and ninety thousand for The Million Pound Drop and 1.13 million for The Last Leg at 10pm. The latest Celebrity Big Brother double eviction episode was watched by 1.61 million sad crushed victims of society. In a change from the regularly scheduled programming, it was followed by eight hundred and eleven thousand for an episode of The Joan Rivers Position.

Hermione Norris and Mathew Horne have joined the cast of Agatha Raisin And The Quiche Of Death. They join Ashley Jensen in Sky1's upcoming crime drama, which will be broadcast at Christmas. Hermione - soon to be seen in Doctor Who - will star as long-suffering housewife, Jo Cummings, while Horne will play Agatha's former assistant, Roy. Meanwhile, Robert Bathurst will play Andy Cummings, Katy Wix will star as Gemma and Jamie Glover has joined the cast as James, a love interest for Agatha. Jason Barnett and Matt McCooey will appear as Detective Inspector Wilkes and Detective Constable Bill Wong. The drama is described as 'contemporary and quirky' and is based on the MC Beaton novel series. It follows Agatha, a public relations type person who gives up her life in London to move to the seemingly tranquil village of Carsley, but soon finds herself embroiled in a murder mystery. She inadvertently becomes a suspect in the case when she enters the village's annual quiche-making competition. She sets out to clear her name and solve the murder mystery. As you do.
Bestselling novel The Outcast, by Sadie Jones, is to be made into a television drama, the BBC has announced. Greg Wise and former Downton Abbey actress Jessica Brown Findlay will feature among the cast. Jones' debut won the Costa First Novel Award in 2008 and was shortlisted for the Orange Prize. Filming on the dramatisation has begun in Buckinghamshire and the drama is set to screen on BBC1 next year. The story, set in post-war Britain, centres around ten-year-old Lewis, whose mother dies, leaving him with a father he hardly knows following his return from war. Lewis's life begins to spiral out of control as his teenage years loom. The central role will be played by twenty two-year-old actor George Mackay, who has previously appeared in Birdsong and Pride. Earlier this year he won the shooting star award at the Berlin Film Festival, and was nominated for BAFTA's rising star accolade. Wise will play his father, Gilbert, while Brown Findlay will play the woman Gilbert remarries. Christine Langan, head of BBC Films, said: 'The Outcast is a captivating and heart-breaking story of a young man's desperate situation. I'm thrilled that we've been able to work with BBC1 to bring a two-part adaptation to screen to retain the essence of Sadie Jones's award-winning novel.'

Breakfast TV flop, greed bucket (and drag) Susanna Reid's foot firmyl met her mouth not once but twice on Thursday's Good Morning Britain during an interview with former Downton Abbey star Dan Stevens. The actor (and most of the GMB studio crew) were left in hysterics when Reid asked Stevens with totaal seriousness if he had to 'beat off a lot of men' to land the role in his latest action film, The Guest. And then, she asked him the same thing again, seemingly unaware that 'beat off' is a - very widely used - euphemism for masturbation. If you missed it, dear blog reader, you weren't alone, it was on Good Morning Britain, so hardly anybody was watching it. 'You play this apparent all-American hero and this is a big opportunity for you in Hollywood,' Reid said. 'You must have had to beat off a lot of American men to get this part?' Which was a cue for Stevens to start sniggering and Reid asking: 'Why does that make you giggle? Did you not have to beat them off?' she asked . A tip, Suzie sweetheart. When you're in a hole it's usually a good idea to stop digging.

Yer actual Jenna Coleman has suggested a 'surprise' is coming up involving her character. The actress, speaking to Radio Times, refused to either confirm or deny rumours - started in the (always reliable, of course) Daily Mirra - that she is to leave Doctor Who at Christmas. 'There's lots of rumours,' she said. 'We've sat down with Steven Moffat and we've all decided we don't want anyone to know which way it's going. If you know I'm in the next series - or if you know I'm off - you'll know how the story ends. Because there's a surprise we've got coming, it's much better that nobody knows which way it's going to go.' Peter Capaldi recently addressed the rumours during an interview with that witless squawking glake Alex Jones on The ONE Show, saying: 'I'm not looking for a new assistant. I don't know where these rumours have started.'I do, Peter. In the Daily Mirra. Who, of course, know what they're talking about, Next.
Meanwhile dear blog reader, back in the BBC bar, mine's a Bailey's with ice, please.
Robot Of Sherwood, the latest episode of Doctor Who's eighth series attracted an average overnight audience of 5.22 million on Saturday from 7:30 pm. This represented a small increase over the previous week's overnight - roughly thirty thousand viewers. The episode had a twenty five per cent share of the total available audience. Given the two million plus video on demand timeshift figures for both Deep Breath and Into The Dalek, that should mean the final, consolidated audience figure for Robot Of Sherwood will be, comfortably, in excess of seven million. The episode drew an AI figure of eighty two, the same as Deep Breath. The X Factor again won the day with an overnight of 8.43 million watching from 8pm on ITV, a drop of half-a million from the previous Saturday episode. It is, however, an increase on both last Sunday's overnight audience and around six hundred thousand up on the equivalent (second) episode of the 2013 series. Also on ITV, The Chase: Z-List Celebrity (And I Used The Word Quite Wrongly) 'Special' drew 4.17 million viewers from 7pm whilst Through The Keyhole attracted 3.46 million from 9:20. Casualty was the second highest rated programme on BBC1 with 3.88 million watching. Earlier, the wretched, mind-numbingly useless tripeTumble continued with 2.97 million from 6pm, while The National Lottery: In It to Win It attracted 3.08 million. BBC2 saw Proms Extra pull in an audience of four hundred and seventy one thousand from 7pm. A broadcast of the movie The Ides Of March took seven hundred and thirty one thousand from 9.15pm. A Channel Four repeat of Peter Kay: Live & Back On Nights (And, Still, Nowhere Near As Funny As He Thinks He Is) was watched by 1.22m from 9pm. On Channel Five, the latest Celebrity Big Brother episode drew 1.16m from 9.15pm.

Incidentally, just in case you missed it, dear blog reader, one of the highlights of Saturday's episode for many Doctor Who fans was the photo displayed in the spaceship's memory bank as an example of the fictional character of Robin Hood. It was a publicity shot of the late Patrick Troughton playing the role in Joy Harington's six-part 1953 BBC adaptation, Robin Hood. So, now you know. Quality moustache, an'all.
Strictly Come Dancing's launch episode easily beat The X Factor on Sunday evening, overnight data reveals. The popular BBC1 dance competition attracted 8.43 million overnight viewers from 8pm, with a peak audience of 8.61m at around 8.45pm. The figures are almost exactly the same as last year's overnight ratings for the opening episode, which launched on a Saturday evening. However, it had a higher audience share of forty one per cent this time around. ITV's The X Factor dipped by over a million viewers from Saturday's audience to 7.12m from 8pm, with a peak audience of 7.46m at around 8.45pm. One imagines that would've made Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef of Crossroads look like a bloke that'd ordered a bowl of porridge and been served a bowl of shit instead. Good. Encore. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef of Crossroads later took to Twitter to congratulate Strictly on its victory. Albeit, through gritted teeth. Paddy Considine returned for a new The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher with 2.42m at 9pm after The X Factor ended. On BBC1, Countryfile appealed to 4.65m at 7pm, while The Village continued with 4.18m. Channel Four's latest Time Team special interested eight hundred and thirty three thousand at 8pm, followed by the first of the two-part biopic drama Houdini with nine hundred and ten thousand punters at 9pm. On Channel Five, Celebrity Big Brother continued with 1.29m at 9pm. On BBC3 the repeat of Robot Of Sherwood had three hundred and sixty three thousand viewers.

England's Euro 2016 qualifier topped the overnight ratings on Monday. ITV's - piss-poor as always - coverage of the 2-0 victory over Switzerland scored 5.49 million from 7.15pm, higher than the ratings of last week's friendly match against Norway which was watched by 4.37m. On BBC1, Inside Out appealed to 2.68m at 8pm, followed by Panorama with 2.30m at 8.30pm. The latest episode of New Tricks was watched by 4.91m at 9pm. BBC2's Celebrity Antiques Road Trip interested 1.70m at 7pm. University Challenge was watched by 2.32m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 1.92m at 8.30pm. Alex Polizzi: The Fixer gathered 1.11m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Nasty Full Of His Own Importance Jamie's Rotten Comfort Food had an audience of 1.09m sad, crushed victims of society at 8pm, while Gadget Man attracted nine hundred and three thousand at 8.30pm. Cops and Robbers brought in nine hundred and twenty one thousand at 9pm. Channel Five's Countdown To Murder garnered eight hundred and forty three thousand at 8pm, followed by the latest Celebrity Big Brother with 1.50m at 9pm. Under The Dome continued with five hundred and fifty nine thousand at 10pm. On E4, the latest episode of The One Hundred was watched by six hundred and sixty eight thousand at 9pm. Sky1's Duck Quacks Don't Echo was seen by two hundred and eighty three thousand at 8pm, followed by Fifty Ways to Kill Your Mammy with two hundred and thirteen thousand at 9pm.

Self-deprecating TV comedy line of the week came from the always reliable Victoria Coren Mitchell on the latest episode of the 'recently promoted to BBC2'Only Connect. After a question concerning spin macaroni, the divine Vicky noted: 'I've come across most types of pasta, as the viewers in HD can probably see.' Funny, but hardy an accurate assessment of the divine Vicky's fine and fulsome figure, I'd've said.
Meanwhile, at more or less exactly the same time as that was being broadcast, according to the Yahoo! Celebrity website, Victoria's husband, David Mitchell was getting abused (and, potentially, chinned) in public by EastEnders' actor (and I use the word actor, very loosely) and drunken lout Danny Dyer at the TV Choice awards ceremony. Fight! This blogger's money's would be on Dyer, dear blog reader. Because, in any altercation between a witty if somewhat smug chap like Mitchell and an ignorant, loud-mouted overgrown bonehead school bully the likes of Dyer, the latter usually wins. Sad but true.
Now, sadly the usual weekly list of final and consolidated ratings figures (in this case, for week-ending Sunday 31 August 2014) is somewhat up the effing Gary Glitter this week as BBC1 have, for some reason, not reported the vast majority of their figures to the BARB. Which is Goddamn annoying. The best this blogger can cobble together for you, dear blog reader, is a - probably highly inaccurate - Top Five programmes:-
1 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 10.25m
2 The X Factor - Sat ITV - 10.09m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.84m
4 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 7.29m
5 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 6.15m
Obviously, due to the lack of the majority of BBC1 figures, this doesn't include the audiences for traditional big-to-medium-sized hitters such as New Tricks, EastEnders, Countryfile, Casualtyet al. Hopefully, something vaguely approaching normal service will be resumed next week. Doctor Who's final figure, incidentally, included a timeshift over the initial 'live' audience of more than two million viewers for the second week running (2.1m). The Great British Bake Off's timeshift was of a similar size. BBC2's highest rated show of the week was The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice (2.98m), followed by University Challenge (2.77), Hotel India (2.58m) and Gardeners' World(2.03m). Channel Four's best performer was Royal Marines Commando School with 1.87m. Channel Five's biggest audience was attracted by Celebrity Big Brother (2.14m), followed by CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with two million. On BBC4, the opening episode of Crimes Of Passion drew a fraction above one million punters. Lewis was ITV3's best performer with 1.14m.
The Horror Channel is to give remastered episodes of Doctor Who their first television outing. The seventeen remastered episodes - released on DVD by BBC Worldwide last year - will be shown on the Horror Channel from Monday 13 October. Launching with Mister Pertwee's Doctor Who and The Silurians serial (1970), the series will then lead into weekday double-bills in daytime and evening slots. Stories available to watch in October will include Inferno (a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping, that one), Carnival Of Monsters, The Time Warrior (which, if you've never seen it and you enjoyed Saturday's Robot Of Sherwood, you will definitely love the mostest, baby), The Sontaran Experiment, The Sunmakers and The Greatest Show in the Galaxy. A canny collection. Alina Florea, the Director of Programming for the Horror Channel, said: 'It's been great to be able to offer our regular fans the classic Doctor Who content, but it's equally exciting to see Time Lord devotees flock to Horror Channel in greater number and take part in the various on and off air activities that resulted in a surge in viewership and social media interaction. With the newer batch of remastered episodes, there will be even more reasons for our viewers to tune in and stick around for more fright, thrill and shock.'

The forthcoming revival of the BBC's children's classic Clangers will feature that nice Michael Palin as its narrator it has been announced this week. Which is an interesting choice. Palin said of the show: 'The world of the Clangers is delightful and irresistible. It's a real pleasure and a great privilege to be a part of its return to television.'The show's executive producer Daniel Postgate, who is son of original Clangers co-creator and narrator the late Oliver Postgate, said: 'Michael Palin was my first and favourite choice, so of course I'm absolutely delighted. Among other things, he's been a warm and charming guide for us all in his extensive travels around this world, so it seems wonderfully appropriate that he should pack his bags once more, go off across the starry expanse of space and do the same for the world of the Clangers.' The new series of Clangers is scheduled to be broadcast on the BBC next spring.

And, speaking of TV icons, Sir David Attenborough his very self is to return to Australia's Great Barrier Reef for a new BBC series. The broadcaster previously filmed in Queensland for Zoo Quest in 1957. Attenborough explained to Radio Times that the new series will be largely filmed underwater. 'People say to me, "What was the most magical thing you ever saw in your life?" And I always say without a word of exaggeration, "The first time I was lucky enough to scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef,"' he recalled. 'As I entered the water I remember suddenly seeing these amazing multi-coloured species living in communities, just astounding and unforgettable beauty. So I'm very excited to be returning to the Reef with all the latest technology and science to see one of the most important places on the planet in a whole new way."' The BBC stated that the programme will 'use pioneering camera technology and draw on the latest research to investigate the Reef in revelatory ways. Combined with David Attenborough's masterful storytelling on location and trademark engagement with wildlife, this series will provide a uniquely authored insight into a global treasure, and uncover the history and secrets of this richly bio-diverse landmark,' the BBC said in a statement.

A leather jacket worn by TV antiques dealer Lovejoy has proved a surprise hit at auction. The black jacket, believed to be one of four worn by actor Ian McShane in the hit BBC series, was on sale with a list price of six hundred smackers. But it was snapped up by a local woman for a thousand quid at the auction held by Mander in Sudbury. Auctioneer James Mander said: 'There is still a keen local interest as people remember it being filmed here.' The series was mainly shot in villages on the Essex and Suffolk border such as Long Melford and Belchamp Walter. It ran from 1986 to 1994.
Rona Fairhead, the preferred candidate to take over from Lord Patten as the new chair of the BBC Trust, spent Tuesday being quizzed by MPs over her appointment. Which, one trusts was as depressing an experience for Fairhead as it would have been for anyone else having to sit in the same room as those full-of-their-own-importance louse scum. Fairhead would be the first woman to hold the position. She denied claims that the government was determined to appoint a woman, telling the Culture, Media and Sport Committee: 'I felt the process was, for my mind, a standard process.' She also refused to pass judgement on her predecessor's job performance. Fairhead - the ex-head of the Financial Times Group - said it was 'public knowledge that mistakes were made' but added she had 'no intention of saying anything negative.' Patten, who was appointed in 2011, left the job of chairman on health grounds following major heart surgery. When asked what made her qualified to head up the Trust - the body in charge of overseeing the BBC - Fairhead said that she 'woke up and went to bed with the BBC', adding she listened to Radio 4's Today programme and watched the News Channel. She also told MPs she was a fan of Doctor Who as a child and would 'wake up early on Sunday to Match Of The Day' which she continued to watch with her children. 'I watch across the range of the BBC,' she added. 'Dramas - Sherlock is a massive favourite in our family - An Honourable Woman was fantastic. Some members of my family love The Great British Bake Off and we all watched Strictly this weekend.' On the recent scandal surrounding payoffs to senior BBC executives, Fairhead said the corporation had faced 'some legitimate criticisms of the process and the fact the payoffs were not made on contractual terms.' She added it was 'a difficult situation in a publicly funded body.' She was also asked about the Jimmy Savile fiasco which she agreed had shaken the public's trust in the BBC. 'Public trust for a public broadcaster is at the core,' she said. With the BBC's royal charter renewal due in 2016, Fairhead was also asked about the future of the licence fee, which she insisted is still the 'most appropriate way to fund the BBC. This is a significant charter review, we have to look at all the options,' she said. 'My strong opinion is that there are strong benefits from the licence fee,' but added the Trust had to be 'open to looking at others.' Asked if she felt the BBC offered valued for money, Fairhead said: 'To many, £145.50 is a lot of money, that said if you look at the services the BBC provides, my view is that it is good value for money.' But she added the corporation still had to be 'run efficiently and effectively.'

James Purnell, the BBC's strategy director, has said the 'sword of Damocles' is hanging over BBC funding with cuts to one of its biggest shows, EastEnders, reversed after viewers began to notice a dip in quality. Purnell said he was 'very happy' that the government had decided to bring forward a review of the licence fee which may pave the way for decriminalising non-payment. Purnell has previously said the step could cost up to two hundred million knicker a year. Asked about the threat to the independence of the BBC, Purnell, the BBC’s Director of Strategy and Digital, said that discussions about the future funding of the corporation had gone from a five to ten-year cycle to virtually every year. 'It's got nothing to do with this government, which has acted very properly in terms of saying charter renewal would start after the election,' Purnell told the Royal Television Society London conference on Tuesday. 'It used to be very clear every five or ten years we would have this discussion. Now it feels more year to year. It does feel [as if] there is a little bit more of a sword of Damocles than there once was.'

Chris Evans has rubbished scum tabloid claims that he will be replacing Jeremy Clarkson as the host of Top Gear. The Sunday Mirra - with no obvious sick agenda smeared all over its disgusting mush an inch thick - claimed, with no supporting evidence, that the BBC Radio 2 DJ has been 'lined-up' to front Top Gear later in the year. However, Evans refuted the reports on Twitter, writing: 'Hilarious story in today's paper re me replacing Clarkson on Top Gear. One hundred per cent not true. One hundred per cent never going to happen.' So, there you have it, dear blog reader. That's a right load of old effing toot, apparently. The Sunday Mirra completely making up a story? Lying, in other words? Who'd've ever thought it?
And on that bombshell - or, actually, what's the opposite of a bombshell? - here's some Top Telly Tips:-

Saturday 13 September
The latest episode of Doctor Who - 7:30 BBC1 - is The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat's Listen. So far, the latest incarnation of The Doctor (yer actual Peter Capadli, just in case you hadn't been paying attention) has dealt with steampunk clockwork 'droids in Victorian London, delved into the inner workings of a Dalek and forged an unlikely alliance with Robin Hood his very self. This week, during a trip with Clara to the end of the universe, he will come face to face with something (or someone) that chills him to the virry bone and that. But what in the wide, wide world of sport could possibly frighten a man who has spent most of his very long lives battling the galaxy's most terrifying aliens? Could it be ghosts from the Time Lord's own past - and, indeed, future - that send shivers down his spine? And what, exactly, happens when The Doctor is alone and afraid? Popular long-running family SF drama, co-starring Jenna Coleman and Samuel Anderson. Preceded by the mind-numbingly wretched Tumble, which ends tonight, to no great fanfare.

After deciding to spend the last few weeks of their summer vacation in Einar's childhood town of Skoga, newlyweds Puck and Einar find a young man stabbed to death with a dagger on their lawn in the third episode of Crimes Of Passion - 9:00 BBC4. Slow-paced but fascinating Swedish period crime drama, starring Tuva Novotny, Linus Wahlgren and Ola Rapace.
The - occasionally very funny - comedian Dave Gorman performs another round of witty stand-up shows in the second series of Dave Gorman: Modern Life Is Goodish - 10:00 on Dave. It begins as Dave (Gorman, that is, not the channel he's on) gets involved in shredding some naughty magazines, helps a gerbil to fulfil its destiny and is surprised by the pictures that develop from an old-fashioned camera he finds. Recycling pornography and babysitting a lost camera leads to an awkward encounter in Snappy Snaps. Gorman is that rare thing: a comedian who leaves you not only amused but, also, having something to think about. As evidenced by the highlight of this episode, a 'found poem' about the pros and cons of sat navs.

An anonymous e-mail leads the Cold Case Unit to wasteground in East London where the remains of a right-wing political activist are found in another classic two-part Waking The Dead - 9:00 Drama. Further research into the man's past reveals that he was not who he claimed to be and had a hidden agenda of his own. But who killed him, and why? Peter Boyd and his team soon find themselves knee-deep in skinhead culture. Detective drama, with Trevor Eve, Sue Johnston, Tara FitzGerald, Wil Johnson and Felicite Du Jeu, guest starring Philip Whitchurch and Cyril Nri.
Sunday 14 September
Hired by West Country landowner Sir Henry Coverley, Jack Whicher takes on a seemingly straightforward case of infidelity, following his client's young wife as she meets her lover in London in the second The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher special The Ties That Bind - 9:00 ITV. However, when a key witness mysteriously fails to attend the divorce hearing, the investigation takes a dark twist, leading the private inquiry agent into the heart of the English countryside and to the most disturbing and destructive of secrets. Feature-length Victorian crime drama, starring Paddy Considine, with Helen Bradbury, Risteard Cooper and Alex Robertson.
Plans for a reservoir and dam throw the village into turmoil as Bill Gibby returns as the new councillor for Sheffield in the final episode of The Village - 9:00 BBC1. Grace and Bert provide John with the support he needs as his mobility and speech gradually improves, while Phoebe provides an unexpected source of therapy. Bert struggles to understand what happened between his mother and Bill, Martha and Eyre makes plans for the future and Caro makes it clear to Clem that she wants her son back. Period drama, starring Derek Riddell, Maxine Peake, Tom Varey and John Simm.

The legendary illusionist and escape artist conducts an epic battle against the spiritualists whose practices he believes to be fraudulent in the second episode of the really rather good Houdini - 9:00 Channel Four. As the Twentieth Century progresses and a more modern era overtakes the industrial age, Harry finds himself forced to come to terms with his new place in a fast-changing world. Conclusion of the two-part drama, starring Adrien Brody in the title role, with Kristen Connolly as Bess, the oman he loved, and Evan Jones as his assistant and confidant Jim Collins.

Presenter and art critic arty Andrew Graham-Dixon explores how three British artists - David Bomberg, Walter Sickert and Paul Nash - responded to the cataclysm of the First World War in British Art At War - 9:00 BBC4. He begins by focusing on the work of Paul Nash, who sketched the battlefields of Flanders, near Ypres, on 25 May 1917. He was so fixed on his work that he tripped and fell into a trench, breaking his ribs - an accident that went on to save his life and influence his later work.
Maggie Aderin-Pocock asks if humanity is alone in the universe as an array of new planets and stars are discovered thanks to instruments that are sensitive enough to detect the weather systems of other worlds in the latest episode of The Sky At Night - 10:00 BBC4. Plus, geneticist Doctor Adam Rutherford aims to define exactly what life is. Presented by Chris Lintott.

Monday 15 September
Sasha is forced to work with her ex-husband, the loathsome Ned Hancock, when their teams investigate the death of film critic Oliver Houghton, whose body was discovered floating in the Thames in the latest episode of New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. UCOS delves into the victim's past and explores his link to the murder of a conceptual artist twenty years previously, while Hancock's knowledge of London's hidden past proves invaluable when a piece of occult footage from the 1970s plunges the investigators into the macabre world of human sacrifice. Tamzin Outhwaite, Denis Lawson, Dennis Waterman and Nicholas Lyndhurst star, with a guest appearance by Barnaby Kay.

Three musicians take on a trio of Doctor Who fans - none of whom, to the best of his knowledge, yer actual Keith Telly Topping knows personally so, chances are they're relatively 'normal' - in the latest Only Connect - 8:30 BBC2 - the general knowledge and lateral thinking quiz. The players must make connections between four things that may at first glances not appear to be linked, with one set of clues consisting of Steve Jobs, Marcus Garvey, Dave Swarbrick of Fairport Convention and Mark Twain. I think the answer is something to do with reading your own obituary (before you've died, obviously)since I know both Garvey and Swarbrick did that. See, not just a pretty face. And,speaking of pretty faces, the Divine Goddess that is Victoria Coren Mitchell her very self hosts. Superbly and with wit and minxy sauciness. Which is always a good combination.

Subject to more trailers than the average Hollywood blockbuster, Sheridan Smith takes the lead role in Jeff Pope's three-part drama charting Cilla Black's rise to fame in the 1960s, Cilla 9:00 ITV. As the series opens, Priscilla White is a Liverpool typist with dreams of escaping the office and becoming a singer. It looks like her chance has come when she meets songwriter Bobby Willis, who claims to be in the music industry - so she's less than impressed to later discover his flash car is hired and he actually works in a bakery. Despite this inauspicious start, Cilla agrees to let him manage her, but will their arrangement still stand after her friends, a local beat combo with a bit of a following called The Be-Atles, help her land an audition with a genuine impresario, their own main man Brian Epstein? Aneurin Barnard, Ed Stoppard and John Henshaw also star.

The latest StoryvilleWeb Junkies: China's Addicted Teens - 10:00 BBC4 - is a fascinating looking documentary revealing how Chinese authorities treat 'Internet addiction', a clinical condition which the country regards as a social menace of the highest order affecting its younger generation. As cameras capture the facilities that aim to 'cure' teenagers of their online obsessions and wicked ways through detox programmes, boot camp conditions and 'emotional counselling' (and, if all that fails, genital torture, probably), the film considers the future of China's technology-obsessed youth in the wider context of a society in flux.

Yer actual Bradley Walsh returns with The Crime Thriller Club - 9:00 ITV3 - the show which celebrates the very best of crime fiction and television. In the first episode, Bradley profiles Robert Harris, who wrote the bestsellers Fatherland, Enigma and Archangel - while Lucie Whitehouse's novel Before We Met is reviewed by Adele Parks, Mark Billingham, Val McDermid, Kate Mosse, Sophie Hannah and Peter James. Plus, the show goes behind the scenes of the new BBC crime drama The Interceptor, and two teams with an encyclopaedic TV crime and fiction knowledge go head to head for the Criminal Mastermind trophy.

Tuesday 16 September
When the deaths of an Elvis impersonator and an impaled bird found nearby are linked to a chess tournament, Greg decides to call on his former chess mentor Paul Lomax for help in CSI: Crime Scene Investigations - 9:00 Channel Five. After speaking to the director of the competition, the team discovers that it is part of multi-city tour. Three other recent deaths are connected to the event when it becomes clear that each mimics a turn from a match played in 1998 - but will the CSIs track down the killer before another move is made? Crime drama, starring Ted Danson and Eric Szmanda.
Prestige Pawnbrokers boss James Constantinou has his work cut out sealing a deal with a pushy young entrepreneur who wants to borrow one hundred thousand smackers against his Lamborghini, while there's a shock in store for film director Ken Russell's ex-wife Hetty when she brings in a collection of family photographs in Posh Pawn - 8:00 Channel Four. A married couple become emotional as they look to pawn a large painting, a mum-of-three parts with her mother's diamond ring to support her kids, and long-term client Tauren risks losing his prized set of designer watches by falling behind on his loan repayments. And, this is 'entertainment', apparently.

World War One At Home: Dispatches from Tyneside - 8:00 BBC4 - is, as the title suggests, a documentary focusing on life away from the battlefields, being shown as part of the World War One At Home season. The lovely Chris Jackson from Inside Out - a former colleague of yer actual Keith Telly Topping, fact fans - follows a community project on Tyneside, aiming to create a unique picture of the impact of the First World War on those living and working in the area. Highly recommended.
The Leftovers - 9:00 Sky Atlantic - is a new imported drama set in a small New York community, where the locals are still coming to terms with an apocalytpic global 'event' three years earlier when two per cent of the world's population suddenly and mysteriously disappeared without trace. Police chief Kevin Garvey finds himself at the centre of the problems, having to deal with escalating conflict in the town while also tackling his daughter's rebellious and naughty streak. In the first episode, the townsfolk discuss whether to hold a tribute to the departed, while the appearance of a silent, white-clad cult causes great concern. As tension escalates, the lives of Laurie - an unexpected member of The Guilty Remnant - and Meg, a recently engaged woman, converge. Justin Theroux, Amy Brenneman, yer actual Christopher Eccleston and Liv Tyler star. Good cast, the opening episode is suitably grim and intriguing and, if it can manage to shake off the potential millstone of its pre-production description as 'this year's Lost', this one could be well worth an hour a week of your time. But, it's early days yet, and, remember, we said the same about Flash Forward.
Wednesday 17 September
Syndicate Nine find themselves dealing with a high-profile historical case after Mandy Sweeting's body is recovered from a quarry, twenty three years after she was first reported missing in Scott & Bailey - 9:00 ITV. However, Rachel's biggest challenge might not be dealing with the media attention or even re-interviewing bereft family members, but hiding her contempt for Rob Waddington's father, Frankie (former Coronation Street actor Ian Mercer), who led the original investigation. Meanwhile, Janet also has problems to deal with at home, as Elise moves in with her dad and his new girlfriend. But at least it inspires the detective to look at her own love life, as she confides in Rachel that she's started using dating sites. Crime drama, starring Suranne Jones, Lesley Sharp, Amelia Bullmore, Danny Webb and Danny Miller.

In Oh! You Pretty Things: The Story Of Music And Fashion - 9:00 BBC4 - Wor Geet Luscious Lovely Lauren Laverne narrates a three-part documentary exploring the influence of musicians and designers on the coolest and craziest looks in Britain, and how fans emulated their idols. The first programme focuses on the golden years of the 1960s, when Mod legends The Small Faces became the best dressed band in England and The Be-Atles and The Rolling Stones embraced psychedelia. Because of all the very hard drugs they were taking. Probably.

The final episode of the excellent Raiders Of The Lost Art - 9:00 Yesterday - explores the work of Johannes Vermeer, focusing on the hunt for the Dutch painter's missing masterpieces.
When Martin Sixsmith wrote The Lost Child Of Philomena Lee, it inspired 2013's BAFTA-winning movie Philomena and generated fresh interest in the story of the woman who was forced by the Catholic Church to give up her son, Anthony, for adoption. In This World: Ireland's Lost Babies - 9:00 BBC2 - Martin investigates the Irish Catholic Church's role in a trade that saw thousands of 'illegitimate' children taken from their mothers and sent abroad. In Ireland and America, he hears the touching stories of lives that were changed for ever. He also discovers some of the tragic consequences that occurred when prospective parents were not properly vetted, and witnesses the struggle of a mother and child separated by continents who hope to find each other before time runs out.

Thursday 18 September
Inspector George Gently and The Professionals actor Martin Shaw is the latest celebrity to go in search of his roots in Who Do You Think You Are? - 9:00 BBC1. Martin is particularly interested in finding out more about his paternal grandfather Edwin, who was rarely spoken about by his family. The actor has only one photo of his ancestor, which shows him aged roughly seventeen and wearing a military uniform. By zooming in on the picture, Martin's brother was able to identify their grandfather's badge, which suggests he was in the Royal Marines. Meeting with a military historian, Martin tries to fill in the rest of the story, and in the process learns more about Edwin's role in defending Birmingham against German air assaults during the Second World War.
Sean looks into the case of Stephen Eli, a lawyer and single father who fits none of the five most common categories of missing persons in Chasing Shadows - 9:00 ITV. Investigating his last known movements, the detective spots a connection with two deaths at the hands of murderer Leonard Vance, who is now incarcerated in a secure psychiatric hospital. Sean believes Stephen could be Vance's third victim and heads to the institution with Ruth to conduct an interview. But can this dangerous man's confession be trusted? With Reece Shearsmith, Alex Kingston, Noel Clarke and Don Warrington.

As British athletes compete at the Special Olympics in Antwerp, Tonight: Against All Odds - 7:30 ITV - investigates the tough reality of life for people with learning disabilities. As many as nine out of ten experience harassment or violence because of their disability, and less than seven per cent are in paid employment. Fiona Foster hears the human stories behind the statistics and looks at how some of society's most vulnerable people are succeeding against the odds.
The average commuter spends ten thousand hours battling extreme weather, gridlock, overcrowding, signalling problems and traffic accidents throughout their lifetime. The documentary Britain's Craziest Commutes - 8:00 Channel Five - follows journeys made by some of the seventeen million people driving to work every day in the UK and the extraordinary efforts of a few workers to get to the office on time. One single mother has a three-hour commute from the Isle of Wight to London each day, a Scottish islander travels three hundred miles using three forms of transport to get to his office in Glasgow, while a man journeys from the South of France to Bristol every week at a cost of six hundred smackers. Even cyclists cannot escape the drudgery of the commute, with one Derbyshire man pedalling twenty eight miles to and from work whatever the weather - if only working from home was an option for everyone.

Friday 19 September
Rob Brydon hosts Would I Lie To You? - 8:30 BBc1 - the comedy panel show in which two teams headed by David Mitchell and Lee Mack try to hoodwink each other with absurd facts and plausible lies about themselves. Strictly judge Bruno Tonioli, Newsnight presenter Kirsty Wark and alleged comedians Adam Buxton and Rob Beckett are this week's guests. The biggest lie of all here being that someone reckons Adam Buxton is, actually, a comedian. Which he isn't. In fact.
They say age is but a number, and every year Joyce, Alan and the gang like to remind themselves of that by attending a 1960s-themed weekend at a seaside resort and partying their evenings away, as we find out in the last in the current series of Boomers - 9:00 BBC1. However, this time, Alan's in their bad books, having messed up the booking, leaving them with only two rooms between the six of them. Meanwhile, John is determined to prove he's not old and starts by taking on the climbing wall, and Carol bumps into an old friend, which could spell trouble for her relationship with Trevor. Comedy, starring Alison Steadman, Philip Jackson, Russ Abbot and Paula Wilcox.

And so to the news: Sherlock and EastEnders were among the big winners at the TV Choice Awards held at the London Hilton on Park Lane on Monday. It was a good night for the BBC all round as Happy Valley also scooped two prizes, including Best New Drama and Best Actress for Sarah Lancashire. Sherlock was named Best Drama Series, fending off competition from Call The Midwife, Waterloo Road and Downton Abbey. Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch won the Best Actor category beating, amongst others, former national heartthrob David Tennnat. EastEnders won four awards, including Best Soap. Ahead of the show's thirtieth anniversary next year, the production was also handed an Outstanding Contribution Award. Elsewhere, Game Of Thrones won Best International Show and Benidorm triumphed in the Best Comedy category.

BBC4 channel editor Cassian Harrison is just back from Copenhagen, where he has been checking up on the latest series of The Bridge, and is soon to attend a read-through of a potential successor to The Thick Of It. 'New writers, quite bold and exciting,' he notes in an interview with the Gruniad Morning Star. On Monday night he did the unthinkable, dismantling his channel’s branding and handing the precious between-programme idents to a bunch of artists including Turner prize winner Laure Prouvost. The results, to coincide with a new season of programmes about abstract art, will be weird and wonderful, and even 'laugh-out-loud funny. Too often the BBC is seen – and sometimes it can behave – as a bit of a closed shop, a walled garden,' said Harrison. 'It’s terrific to be able to get artists to do stuff directly for us in a really unmediated way.' With BBC1 ordered by the BBC Trust to take more risks, and BBC3 due to go online only next year, BBC4 is something of a beacon among the BBC’s on-screen offerings. The only one of its four TV channels to grow its reach since the start of the decade (albeit, watched by fourteen per cent of the population, also the smallest), it has done so on a dwindling budget of fifty million notes at the last count, compared to BBC2’s four hundred and two million, for example. New BBC4 commissions include a Brian Cox Night, in which the particle physicist will choose some of his favourite programmes and talk science with Brian Blessed, and a new documentary about Spike Milligan called Spike: Love, Life & Peace. But the programme Harrison is most excited about is Dancing Cheek To Cheek: An Intimate History Of Dance, fronted by Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman and From The North cult favourite yer actual Doctor Lucy Worsley her very self. With leading industry lights such as former BBC chairman - and total effing bellend - Michael Grade suggesting that BBC4 should be axed and its resources rolled into BBC2, what makes it a BBC4 show? 'The level of detail, the depth we go into in the subject,' said Harrison. 'A BBC4 programme when it is cooking on gas is just packed with information but presented in a really nice enjoyable way.' BBC4 has looked to tackle its dwindling budget with partnerships both inside and outside the BBC (with Welsh language broadcaster S4C, for instance, on Welsh language drama Hinterland, which will return for a second series). With its acclaimed (and expensive) run of biopics coming to an end with last year's Burton & Taylor, its new drama series will be a run of short-form two-handers, The Dialogues. 'It might sound a bit naive, but I genuinely think not having a lot of money fosters innovation,' said Harrison. 'We are innovating on all kinds of levels and one of those is finance.'The channel's biggest hitters remain its foreign dramas which have become a staple of its Saturday night schedule since The Killing, the acclaimed Danish thriller starring Sofie Grabol, began in 2011. Half of its top ten shows in 2014 to date are subtitled drama hits, including The Bridge which will be back for a third series next year, Borgen, French thriller Spiral, Salamander from Belgium, Sweden's Wallander and Inspector Montalbano and Inspector De Luca, both from Italy. Another of its top ten, the Victoria Coren Mitchell quiz show Only Connect, moved to BBC2 last week. Coren Mitchell, in her introduction, was moved to wonder what was on BBC4: 'Something about the Incas or folk music.' (not far off, actually. It was actually a Horizon repeat about asteroids.) Harrison said: 'There is a lot of talk around Game Of Thrones and Netflix, but what we have got on BBC4 is a really good network of European public service broadcasters working on a particular style and mode of drama which isn't happening anywhere else in the world. It's something we really want to treasure.' A big fan of Game Of Thrones, Harrison told the Edinburgh International Television Festival last month: 'Boobs and dragons, you can't go wrong.' New foreign drama will include political thriller The Code from Australia, starring Lucy Lawless, Cordon, a Belgian thriller about a deadly virus outbreak in Antwerp and 1864, its first period drama from Danish public service broadcaster DR responsible for The Killing, Borgen and The Bridge. Harrison will also shake up BBC4's music-heavy Friday night schedule with fewer archive-driven documentaries. He wants more live music and a more imaginative way of bringing stage performances to the screen, a key part of Director General Tony Hall's arts push, to 'reflect the intimacy and interactivity of sitting in a live theatre. It's about how do we manage to take a stage performance but make it feel bigger and more cinematic.' With BBC3 set to go online only next year, Harrison can offer no guarantees about BBC4's future, with negotiations around the BBC's charter renewal and licence fee negotiation due to begin in earnest after next year's general election. 'I don't think any bit of the BBC can promise anything at the moment. Charter renewal is always a big moment,' said Harrison. The BBC's Director of Television Danny Cohen, speaking earlier this year, suggested further budget cuts might mean BBC4 going down the same online only route as BBC3. 'I am really interested in what might happen with BBC3, what that might look like and the grammar of what that might be,' said Harrison. 'On the other hand I do think our transmission channels, BBC1, 2 and 4, what we put out on air is an incredibly valuable resource.'

It's been a staple of early afternoon TV viewing since 1982 and, now in it's seventieth series Countdown has entered the Guinness Book Of Record with the title of 'most series broadcast for a TV game show.' On Friday, the Channel Four word and numbers puzzler will broadcast its six thousandth episode and presenters Nick Hewer, Rachel Riley and Susie Dent will be officially given the award. Over the years, the show has delighted viewers with unintentional swearwords, with 2012 being a particularly bountiful year in that regard.
Indeed.

Now, talking about complete and total arse, Joanna Page has quashed any rumours of a new Gavin & Stacey series. Which is, obviously, the best news all year. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping likes this news. This is good news. Bring me more news of this kind.

And, as it happens, someone has. For it seems that odious, unfunny tripe-bucket of lard, post-apocalyptic horrorshow (and drag) James Corden has been confirmed as the new host of US network CBS's talk show The Late Late Show. Which will, presumably, mean that he'll be far too busy Stateside to inflict any of the utter shat that he so regularly fronts on British viewers. And that is thoroughly excellent news. I mean, top. Corden is a - bafflingly - big name in the UK since he made his name with the rotten Gavin & Stacey which he co-created and featured in, but he is still a relative unknown in the US. He will succeed Craig Ferguson who will step down from the show after a decade. Nina Tassler, chairman of CBS entertainment, said that Corden was 'a rare entertainment force who combines irresistible charm, warmth and originality.' She added that he was the 'ultimate multi-hyphenate – a writer, creator and performer who is loved and respected in every medium he touches.' Corden has just begun work on the second series of his self-penned series The Wrong Mans, co-starring and co-written by Mathew Baynton, which was co-produced by the BBC and US on-demand service Hulu. Corden, who will take over The Late Late Show next year, and was tipped for the job last month, said: 'I can't describe how thrilled and honoured I am to be taking over from the brilliant Craig Ferguson. To be asked to host such a prestigious show on America's number one network is hugely exciting. I can' wait to get started, and will do my very best to make a show America will enjoy.' So, can we all be really nice to Americans over the next few months in the hope that, unlike oily twat Piers Morgan, they'll actually keep this one.
Neil Wallis and Jules Stenson, the former deputy editor and features editor of the Scum of the World, are due to stand trial at the Old Bailey next year over an alleged conspiracy to hack phones. Sitting at the Old Bailey on Monday morning, judge Nicholas Hilliard QC said that the pair would stand trial there on 3 June next year. Wallis and Stenson have been charged with conspiring with former Scum of the World editor, the Prime Minister's former, if you will 'chum and convicted phone-hacker Andy Coulson, five other journalists from the paper, the private investigator Glenn Mulcaire and 'other persons unknown' to illegally intercept voicemail messages 'of well-known people and those associated with them' between 1 January 2003 and 26 January 2007. Both men were arrested and charged as part of Operation Pinetree, a Scotland Yard investigation into claims that features staff at the now-defunct disgraced and disgraceful tabloid obtained information through phone-hacking. Their trial is expected to last between four and six weeks and they will appear at the Old Bailey for a plea hearing on 12 December. A trial date has also been set for a former Scum of the World reporter and a soldier accused of committing misconduct in a public office. Ryan Sabey and soldier Paul Brunt are accused of conspiring to commit misconduct in a public office between April 2006 and November 2007. Judge Nicholas Hilliard QC told the pair that their trial would start there on 9 February. The pair were arrested and charged under Scotland Yard’s Operation Elveden investigation into alleged corrupt payments to police and public officials. Sabey now works at the Sun after joining the tabloid in 2009.

Spare a thought for Sky Sports, who did its best to prevent former Formula 1 driver Gerhard Berger from swearing when he appeared on its F1 channel during live coverage of the Austrian Grand Prix on Sunday. Unfortunately, in an incident which recalls Shaun Ryder's various appearances on TFI Friday back in the nineties, it didn't quite work out. 'I'm here with another legend – Gerhard Berger,' began Johnny Herbert, who was alongside his fellow ex-F1 driver, Damon Hill. 'Hello Johnny, hello Damon,' replied Berger innocently enough. So far, so good. 'First I have to tell you, you already told me, I should not use the word "shit"'. 'No, you’re not,' responded Herbert, looking slightly sick already. 'Nor "fuck"', continued Berger. 'My apologies for his language,' interjected an increasingly desperate Herbert, not quite adding 'he's a foreigner he doesn't know any better' but looking like he wanted to. 'Sorry, but I cannot behave, and I cannot do my best,' continued Berger, before a one-minute interview (rather shorter than intended, one imagines) continued without further incident. 'Just answer the question,' begged Herbert. Sky’s further apology for the 'colourful language' after the live broadcast on 22 June this year was enough for media regulator Ofcom to consider the matter resolved.

Yer actual Catherine Tate is to take to the stage later this year, playing a woman who attempted to assassinate the US president Gerald Ford in 1975. The former Doctor Who actress will join Mike McShane and Andy Nyman in the Menier Chocolate Factory revival of Stephen Sondheim's musical Assassins. First staged in 1990, the all singing, all dancing show brings together people who have tried to kill various US presidents. Sounds like a smashing evening of family entertainment. Jamie Lloyd will direct the production at the South London venue. The director's recent credits include the Martin Freeman-led staging of Shakespeare's Richard III at London's Trafalgar Studios. Tate, who can currently be seen in BBC1's rotten a big stinking pile of smelly poo alleged 'sitcom', Big School, will play Sara Jane Moore in the show from 21 November until 8 February. Another performer will take over role for the rest of the musical's run, which concludes at the Menier on 7 March 2015. Meanwhile, it has been confirmed that Beautiful, the hit Broadway musical about Carole King, will open in the West End next year. Based on the early life and career of the legendary singer-songwriter, the show opens at London's Aldwych theatre on 10 February.

Michael Sheen is to direct and star in a production of Under Milk Wood at the American theatre where Dylan Thomas first performed his most famous work, there's lovely, isn't it? Sheen will take the role of First Voice when the show is staged at the 92Y in New York on 26 October, the eve of the centenary of Thomas's birth. And, this blogger's birthday as well, just as a matter of pure disinterest if any dear blog reader was thinking of buying me a present. Anyway, the play will also be broadcast live on BBC Radio Wales. The all-Welsh cast, look you, will include Kate Burton, the daughter of yer actual Richard Burton who also performed the role taken in this production by Sheen. And, they were both born in Port Talbot, what are the chances? Thomas narrated the first read-through of Under Milk Wood at the 92Y in 1953, shortly before he died in the city. It was first recorded for radio in 1954, and has since been adapted for film and television. Sheen said: 'For a play that is set in a fictional Welsh village, Llareggub, written by a Welshman from Swansea, it seems strange that New York would be so associated with the play, but it's where it was first performed, it's where the only recording of Dylan Thomas performing it himself was made here. So to be able to go out on to that very same stage, stand or sit behind a lectern exactly where Dylan Thomas did it back in 1953, and all these later to be able to - not recreate that - but to perform it again and give it new life in the same place where it was first born really, then that's incredibly thrilling and very moving. And for it to go out at the same time on the radio in Wales, knowing that everyone in Wales will be able to listen to it at the same moment as people in New York are able to sit and listen to it as well, it's terrific.'

The leader of Britain's trade union movement has warned of creating a 'Downton Abbey-style' society in which social mobility 'has hit reverse.' That presumably means the country started promisingly but, got crap after a vaguely watchable first series, when it began to believe its own hype but that it remains bafflingly popular, particularly in America where they haven't got any history of their own, then? Sounds about right. Frances O'Grady argued that there was 'no sign of the economic recovery in most people's lives.' The TUC General Secretary also said that, under the coalition, 'class prejudice' was becoming 'respectable.' The Conservatives said the party would 'not take lectures from a cluster of union bosses on six-figure pay deals.' Which, considering the rest of us have had to take lectures from wretched, good-for-nothing buckets of shite like the vile and odious rascal Hunt, the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant, George Formby lookalike (and tit) Gove and, especially, arrogant, pitiless full-of-himself slapheed scum bastard Duncan-Smith for the last four years, to be somewhat ironic and not a little hypocritical. This blogger couldn't possibly comment on that.

Olympic, World and European champion Magic Mo Farah became the first British winner of The Great North Run men's race for twenty nine years by holding off Kenya's Mike Kigen in a thrilling finish on Sunday. The pair fought it out for much of the race before Farah pulled clear in the final two hundred metres of the thirteen-mile course from Newcastle to South Shields. The thirty one-year-old set a new British half-marathon best of exactly one hour. Kenya's Mary Keitany set a new course record to win the women's race ahead of Britain's Gemma Steel. Steel's compatriot Shelly Woods won her sixth title in the women's wheelchair race, while the men's race went to Spain's Jordi Madera. Farah, who lost out to Ethiopia's Kenenisa Bekele in a sprint finish in last year's race, came into the event after missing the Commonwealth Games but winning double gold at the European Championships in Zurich. He and training partner Kigen pulled away at an early stage and, though Farah looked as though he was struggling at times, he stayed patient before making his move to become the first male home winner since Steve Kenyon in 1985. 'It feels great but I had to dig in deep out there,' Magic Mo told BBC Sport. 'Mike kept on pushing and I just wanted to hang on in there and I knew I had the pace at the end. I was surprised how well he was running. I didn't think I could run that fast but it is great to finish the season with a win. With two hundred metres to go I pushed but I didn't know how much I still had and as soon as I started to celebrate I saw Mike coming back at me again.' Farah's time improves his own best in the event - just one of his even lengthening list of British records which includes the fifteen hundred, five and ten thousand metres on the track and five and ten thousand metres on the road. But, he admitted that he had 'learned a lot' from an 'up and down year.' He added: 'Now I want to take a break and relax and get ready for the World Championships next year.' Keitany, the 2012 London Marathon champion who has returned from time off to have a baby, was well clear of the rest of the field and her time of 65 minutes 39 seconds beat Paula Radcliffe's 2003 mark by one second, while Steel set a new personal best of sixty eight minutes and eighteen seconds. About fifty seven thousand people took part in the race which was run for the first time in 1981. Organisers of the event named Tracey Cramond from Darlington as its millionth finisher. Brendan Foster, who co-founded the run, said he was 'immensely proud' that the millionth finisher milestone had been reached. This year, celebrity runners taking part have included former Olympic rowing champion James Cracknell, former athlete Iwan Thomas and BBC News presenter Sophie Raworth. Who looked well-fit.

England made a good start to their Euro 2016 qualifying campaign as two second-half strikes from The Arse's sixteen million quid new boy Danny Welbeck gave them victory in Switzerland in Basel. Manager Roy Hodgson needed his side to produce an encouraging performance and positive result after the misery of going out of the World Cup in Brazil at the group stage with a whimper in the summer - and this did the job on both counts. England were indebted to two vital saves by goalkeeper Joe Hart from Haris Seferovic and a vital goal-line clearance from Gary Cahill, but this victory was fully deserved and showed promising signs for the future. Switzerland - ninth in FFIA's (somewhat discredited) world rankings in August after reaching the last suxteen of the World Cup, with England twentieth - posed a threat but ended up being well beaten. The merits of Hodgson using a diamond formation, which suits Raheem Sterling, was shown as Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haw's youngster set up Welbeck's first goal just before the hour and was also involved as Anfield team-mate Rickie Lambert laid on the striker's second in stoppage time. England's defence - The Scum's Phil Jones in particular - still had moments of vulnerability but this meeting with Switzerland was regarded as the toughest assignment in the group which also includes San Marino, Estonia, Lithuania and Slovenia. With the post-World Cup apathy reflected in an attendance of just over forty thousand for England's (awful) friendly against Norway at Wembley last week, Hodgson could ill-afford a poor start to this Euro 2016 qualifying group. He had shown signs of strain after the Norway win - in particular a very tetchy press conference - but cut a more relaxed figure as England delivered a result and performance that lifted his, and the nation's mood. And as a signpost for the future, Hodgson has surely found a formation - with The Arse's Jack Wilshere at the base of the diamond and Sterling at its tip - that he should settle on as England negotiate a group which should be nothing more than a foundation for success in France. Sterling provided pace and strength, having a hand in both Welbeck goals, with England's pace on the counter-attack too much for Switzerland to handle. Wayne Rooney also thrived surrounded by speed and willing runners and England's new captain showed his usual willingness to take responsibility and do his share of the donkey work. Hodgson will also lean on those he has trusted in the past - and in Hart he found someone who excelled when called upon in Basel. England gave a first start to Aston Villains midfielder Fabian Delph and he emerged with much credit, although he must also reflect on a lack of discipline that earned him an early yellow card and running the risk of even further punishment.

Meanwhile, former England striker and part-timer Michael Owen says he believes the country has 'lost faith' in the national team. Speaking at the Soccerex Conference in Manchester, the ex-Liverpool forward (who also spent four years picking up wages for doing nothing but warm the treatment table at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved, though unsellable, Magpies) claimed that 'consistent failures' at major tournaments were to blame. For which, let us remember, that malingering, workshy Little Shit and his so-called 'golden generation' mates are largely responsible. Godeln generation? Golden shower more like.

England's cricketers rounded off their international summer with a thrilling three-run victory over India in their one-off Twenty20 international at a rocking Edgbaston on Sunday. The match went to the final ball but Indian captain Mahendra Dhoni failed to hit the six which would have won the game for the tourists. A blistering seventy one from thirty one balls from captain Eoin Morgan had lifted the hosts to an imposing total of one hundred and eighty for seven. Virat Kohli put India on course with a quick fire sixty six but fine death bowling by Steve Finn, Harry Gurney and Chris Woakes sealed England's win. With twenty six runs required from the last two overs and expert finisher Dhoni at the crease, India appeared favourites. But Gurney, playing only his second T20 international, bowled a tight penultimate over to restrict the tourists to just nine. Dhoni smashed the first delivery of Woakes's final over for six only to turn down two easy singles from subsequent balls. It left India needing five from the final ball for victory or four to force a Super Over. When the skipper picked out Moeen Ali at deep square leg, England were able to celebrate a nail-biting victory to the disappointment of the vast swathes of noisy Indian fans in the stands. 'We got a very good score, but felt India would be hard to stop,' said Morgan. 'Woakes, Finn and Gurney held their nerve - they were exceptional. India get a lot of support up here, but hopefully the home fans are going home happy. I've gone through tough times, but always come out on the right side. The belief was there.' The riveting contest marked the end of a tour in which England fought back from one-nil down to win the Test series three-one but were then heavily beaten by the same scoreline in the five match one-day series. England were indebted to Morgan, whose return to form after a disappointing one-day series will have delighted coach Peter Moores as he plans towards the Sri Lanka one-day tour in November and December, and next year's World Cup. The Dublin-born left-hander smashed seven sixes and three fours as England pummelled eighty one runs from their final five overs. Morgan's knock reinvigorated an England innings that had been in danger of stalling when Joe Root was out for twenty six to leave the hosts on eighty five for four in the twelfth over. Surrey opener Jason Roy nonchalantly reverse swept his second ball in international cricket for four but could only manage another four runs before pushing Mohammed Shami to Ajinkya Rahane at cover. Moeen Ali - who was disgracefully booed throughout the match by some of the Indian supporters, seemingly because of his Pakistani heritage - fell for a duck, Alex Hales was brilliantly caught by Rahane for forty and Root lashed debutant spinner Karn Sharm to deep midwicket for twenty nine. Jos Buttler lacked his characteristic fluency as he laboured to ten off ffteen balls, but Ravi Bopara (a bright and inventive twenty one not out) teamed up with Morgan to fire England to an imposing score. India overcame the early loss of Ajinkya Rahane - bowled round his legs by Moeen - with a partnership of seventy nine between Kohli and Shikhar Dhawan (thirty three). Kohli struck nine fours and a six in his first half-century of a difficult summer, but after Dhawan had been bowled by Woakes, he holed out to boost England's chances. Suresh Raina was bowled by a Gurney yorker for twenty five and Ravindra Jadeja ran himself out for seven. That left Dhoni as India's best hope - but for once even he could not drive his team over the line. 'I missed two balls that I could have hit over the boundary, but hitting seventeen in the last over is difficult,'claimed Dhoni. 'It was a good chase, One hundred and eighty is a tricky score in T20 cricket. We gave away too many runs at the death, but bowled well in the middle overs. Overall, it's been a good tour for us. The atmosphere in the dressing room has been good.' Earlier, Lauren Winfield struck her highest international score as England's women beat South Africa by eight runs to complete a three-nil Twenty20 series whitewash. Winfield spanked a superb seventy four off sixty balls to help England recover from the early loss of captain Charlotte Edwards and post one hundred and twenty six for six. South Africa made a bright start with the bat and kept the match alive into the final over. But two wickets for Jenny Gunn and some fine fielding saw England home.

Alex Gidman and Gareth Roderick shared a county record third-wicket stand of three hundred and ninety two for Gloucestershire on day one of their country championship division two game against Leicestershire at Nevil Road. The pair came together on forty seven for two after Will Tavare edged behind and Chris Dent was caught at second slip. But, in four hours, they surpassed the three hundred and thirty six partnership set by the legendary Wally Hammond and Bev Lyon, also against Leicestershire back in 1933. Ollie Freckingham finally got Roderick for one hundred and seventy one but Gidman's unbeaten two hundred and twenty one saw them to the close on five hundred and thirteen for five. Freckingham's intervention, thanks to a Ned Eckersley catch, saw Gidman and Roderick - who both made career-bests - fall just three runs short of equalling their county's record for any wicket. Despite missing out on that record, Gloucestershire, who elected to bat, have put themselves into a commanding position going into the second day against bottom club Leicestershire, still looking for their first Championship win in two years. After Roderick fell, Gloucestershire lost two late wickets in Hamish Marshall and Ian Cockbain, but still surpassed five hundred.

Now, dear blog reader, we're still vaguely on a sporting theme. Not that yer actual Keith Telly Topping wants to boast nor nowt, but ... (no, hang on, who am I kidding? Of course he want to brag from the highest rooftop). Anyway ... yer actual Keith Telly Topping's new British, European and Commonwealth PB in his on-going 'seventeen stone messing about in water to try and do something about this bad back' malarkey is, as of Wednesday morning ...
Well, this blogger was pretty impressed with that, I dunno about you, dear blog reader. Just a couple of months ago, he could barely manage six without needing oxygen at the end of it.

Germany's Marcel Kittel won a thrilling sprint finish in Liverpool in the opening stage of the Tour of Britain. Italy's Nicola Ruffoni was second, ahead of Britain's Mark Cavendish, who contested the sprint despite crashing into a car early in the stage. Defending champion Sir Bradley Wiggins, of Team Sky, finished in the peloton. Cavendish, who hit a car while trying to avoid another car that braked suddenly, said: 'I hit it with my left leg and I was down on the road.' He added: 'I felt immediately a lot of pain on my quadriceps. At that point I wasn't planning to sprint. But after a couple of laps we decided to just try anyway, but sprint seated because I was in pain. I still got third, but it's a shame because I really wanted to try and win in front of the British public. I really hope that the luck turns in the next days.'Giant-Shimano rider Kittel said: 'It is good to win the first stage and to see the reaction from the crowd.' The eight-lap, one hundred and four kilometre race around the city centre, which started on The Strand and continued into Sefton Park, was watched by thousands of spectators on a gloriously sunny day. It had been expected to be a showdown between Cavendish (Omega Pharma-Quick Step) - who has won twenty five Tour de France stages - and sprint rival Kittel and the fans were not disappointed with the pair lunging for the line. In the end Cavendish, who said last week that he was not in peak condition as he continues to recover from shoulder surgery after crashing out of the Tour de France earlier in the summer, did not quite have enough to get past Kittel. The German clearly enjoys racing in Britain - he won two of the three Tour de France Grand Depart stages which finished in Yorkshire and London, on his way to winning four in the race. He picked up ten bonus seconds for winning the stage and leads the overall standings by one second from Italian Sonny Colbrelli, who was in the breakaway and picked up nine bonus seconds in intermediate sprints. Wiggins, looking to become the first rider to win successive Tour of Britain titles since the race was reintroduced in 2004, began well and looked comfortable as he stayed at the heart of the peloton. Monday's second stage is a two hundred kilometre race from Knowsley to Llandudno and the Tour then heads south through Wales and visits the south and west of England before ending with two stages in London on 14 September.

Italian Gianluca Brambilla and Russia's Ivan Rovny have been disqualified from the Vuelta a Espana after coming to blows during Monday's sixteenth stage. Both men landed punches on each other as they rode among a - somewhat startled - breakaway group of thirteen riders on the one hundred and sixty kilometre stage from San Martin del Rey Aurelio to La Farrapona. It was, in short, a geet rive on, like, with kids getting sparked and all sorts and that. Which is all well and good but it's not, really, what you expect to see in the middle of a bike race. Alberto Contador won the stage after seeing off Chris Froome on a summit finish to increase his overall lead to ninety six seconds over Alejandro Valverde. Froome finished fourteen seconds behind. Tinkoff-Saxo's Rovny needed a new pair of sunglasses from his support team after they were broken in the altercation with Brambilla. Omega Pharma-Quick-Step rider Brambilla was in a leading group when he was forced to quit after 'a short discussion' with race organisers, raising his arms up in the air in frustration and threatening to get aal stroppy and discombobulated in his incandescent fury. A short time later Rovny also dropped out of the main pack after being told of his punishment by his team. Brambilla subsequently apologised for his actions in a tweet. 'I'm sorry. This situation shouldn't have happened. For my part in it, I apologize to OPQS, race organizers, and the fans,' he wrote. Contador's win saw him move a huge step closer to claiming his third Vuelta victory. The Spaniard was able to go with Froome when the Team Sky rider made his move with just four kilometres remaining of the long climb to the finish line. The two managed to distance themselves from the chasing Valverde and Joaquim Rodriguez but it was two-time Tour de France winner Contador who had the stronger finish.

Sour-faced grumpy child and bad loser Lewis Hamilton took a crucial victory in the Italian Grand Prix after Nico Rosberg made a mistake under pressure from his Mercedes team-mate. Hamilton fought back after a poor start from pole position, caused by a glitch in his start procedure, dropped him to fourth early on. He had just closed to within a second of his sister Mercedes when the German ran wide at the first chicane. Victory in Monza reduces Hamilton's deficit in the title race to twenty two points. Behind the two Mercedes drivers, Felipe Massa drove steadily to third place as his team-mate Valtteri Bottas recovered in impressive style from a poor start to take fourth on the day that Williams confirmed both will stay on next season. The win will be a significant psychological boost to sour-faced grumpy child and bad loser Hamilton and a corresponding blow to cocky-dan full-of-himself Rosberg. The German was already under the spotlight after being criticised by his team for causing a collision between the two at the previous race in Belgium. And he received boos from the gathering crowd below the podium as he gave his post-race interview, as he had two weeks' previously at Spa. Not a popular chap is yer actual Rosberg. Despite the crowd reaction, and two weeks' of heated conversations between Hamilton and Rosberg, the German said: 'Lewis drove a great race and he deserves it today.' The race seemed to be falling into Rosberg's lap as Hamilton's car was slow away from pole position and he was swamped by the field, falling behind his team-mate, McLaren's Kevin Magnussen and Massa. Hamilton, however, was soon pushing hard to make up lost ground. He took advantage of Massa, passing Magnussen at the second chicane on lap five to grab third from the Dane at the first Lesmo corner on lap five. And five laps later Hamilton pulled a superb move on Massa, holding the outside line at the first chicane and grabbing the place into the second, left-handed part. At that point, Hamilton was just over two seconds behind Rosberg and he inched closer as they traded lap times to be 1.3 seconds behind when Rosberg made his only pit stop on lap twenty four, his position as the lead car giving him priority on pit-stop timing. Hamilton was still almost two seconds behind when he rejoined after his own stop a lap later. He was warned by his engineer that the 'race will be at the end - look after your tyres' but chose to ignore the advice, instead making his move when his tyres were in their best condition. He cut into Rosberg's lead, reducing it from 1.8 seconds on lap twenty six, to 1.3 a lap later and then 0.7 second with a new fastest lap as they crossed the line at the end of lap twenty eight. A few hundred metres later, Rosberg braked too late into the first chicane and was forced to take to the escape road, Hamilton taking the lead as his team-mate negotiated the bollards before rejoining the track. It was the second time in the race Rosberg had made the same mistake, the first coming on lap nine. Hamilton said: 'The car felt good and it was the closest I'd been and during the previous stint. I knew when I was behind others on the older tyres, it was very hard to stay with him so I knew the only chance would be at the start so I took it.' Hamilton extended his lead in measured but inexorable fashion over the next few laps to four seconds, where it stabilised until the Englishman locked up a front tyre going into the first chicane with three laps to go. That cost him half a second but Hamilton had everything under control to take his sixth and arguably most important win of the year. 'It was just that Lewis was quick,' added Rosberg. 'Coming from behind, I needed to up my pace and as a result went into the mistake. That was very bad, and that lost me the lead. But second place is a good result and there are still a lot of races to go.''Rosberg is putting a brave face on it,' BBC F1 co-commentator David Coulthard said, 'but that has to hurt.' Behind the top three, Bottas had to thread his way through an epic multi-car fight between the Red Bulls, McLarens and Sergio Perez's Force India that see-sawed throughout the race. It was eventually won by Red Bull's Daniel Ricciardo, who passed team-mate Sebastien Vettel with a brilliant dummy into the second chicane with six laps to go. Vettel held on to take sixth ahead of Magnussen, Perez and the second McLaren of Jenson Button. But Magnussen was later demoted to tenth behind Ferrari's Kimi Raikkonen following a five-second penalty for forcing Bottas off the track in a battle at the first chicane. Raikkonen's two points signified a dismal day for the team at their home race, which saw team-mate Fernando Alonso retire with a hybrid system failure, his first mechanical retirement since 2009. Alonso had been in the battle with the Red Bulls, McLarens and Perez before he pulled off shortly after half distance at the first chicane. He acknowledged the cheers of the crowd as he walked back to the pits but the Italian team will be hurting from such a poor performance. 'We have to recover from this,' Alonso said.

The first LP in five years by veteran Irish rockers The U2 Group has been offered for free to the five hundred million users of Apple's iTunes service. The surprise announcement was made at a California event where Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the firm's latest iPhone and a new smartwatch. The U2 Group also performed live at the event. Mister Bonio out of The U2 Gorup described the release of the eleven-song LP, Songs Of Innocence, as 'kind of mind blowing. [It is] the most personal album we've written could be shared with half a billion people - by hitting send,' Mister Bonio out of The U2 Group said. 'If only songwriting was that easy.' As usual, the other members of The U2 Group, Mister The Edge out of The U2 Group and ... the other two said nothing. The U2 Group's last LP, No Line On The Horizon, hit the top spot in the UK charts in 2009 and eventually surpassed five-million-sales worldwide. However, Mister Bonio out of The U2 Group was quoted as saying that he was 'disappointed' with the response and told the Gruniad Morning Star that year that he be a'feared that the 'concept' of an album was 'almost an extinct species.' The U2 Group is famed for producing some of the landmark LP of the 1980s and early 1990s, including October, The Joshua Tree and Achtung Baby. And for being a decent enough band considering they spend most of their time with their collective head up their collective arse. There had been 'some speculation' this year - albeit, not from anybody that you'd've actually heard of - that The U2 Group were planning a new CD. However, the free release at the Apple event had not been anticipated.
Yer actual David Bowie has announced a new single and career-spanning box set. The Grand Dame Her Very Self confirmed that brand new single 'Sue (or In A Season Of Crime)' backed with another new song, 'Tis A Pity She's A Whore' (both co-produced with long-term collaborator Tony Visconti) will be taken from the upcoming retrospective collection Nothing Has Changed. The box-set will work backwards chronologically to comprehensively document fifty years of The Grand Dame's material, from the new single and 2013's James Murphy 'Hello Steve Reich Mix' of 'Love Is Lost', to David's first single, 1964's 'Liza Jane' when he was still Davy Jones and had a really rather nice pageboy haircut like Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones. It will also feature previously unreleased material from his 'lost' (or, unreleased, anyway) 2001 CD Toy. The collection's title is taken from the lyrics to Bowie's song 'Sunday' from his twenty second studio LP Heathen. The box set is comprised of a three CD set, a two CD set, a double vinyl and a digital download. Quality song selection albeit, wot, no 'John, I'm Only Dancing'? Pfft. Definitive my arse!
And, finally
A woman has told a court that she was 'desperate' to get out of a dressing room where she was being assaulted by former Radio 1 DJ Dave Lee Travis. She claimed that Travis held the door shut and put his hand inside her trousers as they worked together on a production of Aladdin in the early 1990s. She said the attack stopped when one of the children's entertainers The Chuckle Brothers spoke outside the room. Travis denies two counts of indecent assault and one of sexual assault. The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told Southwark Crown Court that the attack happened after she went into Travis's dressing room. 'Dave Lee Travis was standing behind me with his hand on the door above my head, forcibly closing it,' she said. 'He then put his hand down the front of my trousers.' She added: 'It came as a complete shock. I was desperate to get out.' The woman, who was in her early twenties at the time, said she managed to open the door by a few centimetres and then heard a voice say: 'All right, Dave.' She said Travis let go of the door and she realised the person who had spoken was one of The Chuckle Brothers, Paul and Barry Elliot, who had both been walking past. The woman did not report the incident to the police until 2012 - more than twenty years after it allegedly happened. She told the court she was worried at the time that she would not be believed and could lose her job. 'Dave Lee Travis was the star,' she said. 'Accusing the main star in the show of doing something like that - how is that going to affect your career?' She said she agreed with a male colleague that she would not return to Travis's dressing room. Travis is being retried on two counts - one of indecent assault and one of sexual assault - after a jury failed to reach verdicts earlier this year. He also faces a further charge of indecent assault. The counts relate to separate victims and separate incidents in 1990-91, 1995 and 2008.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's something properly soulful.

'A giant dinosaur from the distant past has just vomited a blue box from Outer Space! This is not a day for jumping to conclusions.'
So, dear blog reader, Peter Capaldi his very self is The Doctor. He is the resurrection and the light. He becomes the twelfth actor to play the role on television in the BBC's long-running popular family SF drama. Or, if you count Richard Hurndall and John Hurt - which you really should, since they both did the gig, albeit in both cases only briefly - the fourteenth. Which is nice. In the past, the job of introducing a new Doctor to the show's audience has, usually, been done by bringing in some old, familiar, established elements from Doctor Who's past. Patrick Troughton was given a six episode face-off against The Dalek and Mister Pertwee's introduction was within a comfortingly contemporary Earth setting that viewers knew from The Web Of Fear and The Invasion and was aided by the reintroduction of UNIT and the Brigadier. Who, of course, were both still knocking around four years later when Tom Baker first appeared. And, it was similar threats to a world we could all, easily, recognise as broadly speaking our own that Chris Eccleston (facing Pertwee's old enemies The Autons), David Tennant and Matt Smith were presented with. Peter Davison and Paul McGann had to contend with different regenerations of The Doctor's nemesis, The Master and for Sylvester McCoy, it was another renegade Time Lord, The Rani. Only The Crap One had a story which contained no obvious links to the series' past. Which is, perhaps, one of the many reasons why The Twin Dilemma is the Doctor Who story that lots of regular viewers would have somewhere very close to the bottom of any hypothetical list of 'ooo, I really must watch that one again.'Its thoroughly rotten, cliché-driven script, cheap design and hammy performances from the top on down notwithstanding. The Power Of The Daleks, Spearhead From Space, Robot, Castrovalva and the 1996 TV movie (and even, to an extent, Time & The Rani) all spent time in visuals and dialogue reminding viewers of former Doctors as a necessary juxtaposition marker to the changes which they were currently being presented with. Of late, Rose, The Christmas Invasion and The Eleventh Hour have all had a similar construction - throwing the new Doctor(s), immediately, into a sink-or-swim situation from which there is little time for reflection or dwelling on the past but, instead, charging head-first into the future unknown. In Doctor Who, across forty eight years since the series' first regeneration story in 1966, certain key elements always seem to accompany The Doctor in the fog of each post-regeneration crisis. A bewildered companion (or two or, once, three), a complex problem to drag The Doctor out of his mental confusion and, most obviously, the presence of the TARDIS. 'It's part of the TARDIS,' said Patrick Troughton forty eight years ago. 'Without it, I couldn't survive.'
'A dinosaur is burning in the heart of London. Nothing left but smoke and flame. The question is, have there been any similar murders?' On a related note, the character of the new Doctor usually falls into one of four broad categories in his first story: There's the lugubrious, mysterious, unfamiliar stranger who, nevertheless, the audience feel instantly that they will soon come to know and love (Troughton, Tom). There's the haunted, post-apocalyptic figure of - again - mystery with, one senses, some ancient and unspeakable sadness at his core. One which he doesn't hide but effectively covers most of the time with bluff and evasion (most obviously Eccleston, but also, to an extent, Pertwee and Smudger). There's also the bewildered amnesiac whose clouded mind will suddenly, after the intervention of a, necessary calming force, reveal the hero within (Davison, McCoy, McGann and, especially, Tennant). And then, there's the unlikable crass bully whose chest-beating sneering arrogance and casual indifference to his companion's understandable distaste for such a change almost instantly puts a significant proportion of the audience off both the character and the show for the next three years. Peter Capaldi's début, mercifully, occupies bits of the first three strands and, for this blogger at least, none whatsoever of the fourth, a few aesthetic comparisons with the appallingly nasty 'I am The Doctor, whether you like it or not' scene in The Caves Of Androzani notwithstanding. Clara, like Peri, might have lost a rather fanciable young chum to someone older, louder and more sure of himself but, thankfully, there, the comparisons between six and twelve end. Apart from the fact that one is exactly half of the other, obviously.
'He is lost in the ruin of himself, and we must bring him home.' Shooting for Deep Breath took place at The Maltings in Cardiff from 7 January 2014 and, later, at Mount Stuart Square. Scenes were subsequently filmed on Queen Street in the city towards the end of the month. The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat announced to fans that this episode is going to be 'a big introduction' for Peter Capaldi noting that there would be 'plenty of action and nonsense and jeopardy, as there ever is in Doctor Who.'The episode, it was announced, would feature Capaldi alongside Jenna Coleman and Neve McIntosh, Catrin Stewart and Dan Starkey reprising their roles of Madame Vastra, Jenny Flint, and Strax. Capaldi's predecessor, Matt Smith, it was rumoured, would also appear in a cameo which had been shot during the production of his final episode, last year's Christmas special The Time Of The Doctor. On 6 July 2014, long after the episode had been completed, the scripts for the first five episodes of the series (including Deep Breath) were inadvertently leaked online from BBC Worldwide's Latin America headquarters, prompting a plea from the BBC to fans to keep the storylines of the five episodes secret. Also leaked was a poor quality black-and-white rough cut of Deep Breath, missing most of the visual effects but otherwise complete. The BBC blamed the leak on the fact that the files had been stored on a publicly accessible server in its new Miami-based headquarters. Steven Moffat, speaking at the London Film and Comic Con, called the leak 'horrible, miserable and upsetting.'
'It's all right up till the eyebrows and then it just goes haywire. Look at the eyebrows! They're attack eyebrows. You could take bottle tops off with these. They're crosser than the rest of my face. They're independently cross. They probably want to cede from the rest of my face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows!' A lifelong fan of the series, as a teenager Peter Capaldi inundated the Doctor Who production team with fan mail full of questions and suggestions. In the live TV announcement ofhis casting, he was presented with a letter his fifteen-year-old self wrote to the Radio Times praising its Doctor Who coverage in 1973, which Capaldi sheepishly referred to as 'the full anorak.'Peter had previously played the character of Lucius Caecilius in the 2008 Doctor Who episode The Fires Of Pompeii as well as playing - quite magnificently - the civil servant John Frobisher in the 2009 spin-off Torchwood: Children of Earth. Before taking the role of The Doctor, Peter stated that he had to seriously consider the increased level of visibility which would come with the part, adding that 'I had to decide if I was ready to live with that, because once that genie is out of the bottle, it doesn't go back in.' He revealed in an interview that he had been invited to audition for the role of the eighth Doctor in 1995 prior to the production of the 1996 TV film. He turned it down as 'I didn't think I would get it, and ... didn't want to just be part of a big cull of actors.''I've been very, very lucky in that Matt Smith and David Tennant have been incredibly friendly and supportive to me,' Peter has noted recently. 'I can talk to them any time because it's quite a small club, the actors who've played The Doctor and they recognise the realities of what being in this position is like.' Part of Doctor Who's attraction for Peter it seems lies in its imaginative potential: it's held a sense of wonder, awe and terror for generations of British people - including the new Doctor himself. 'It is this relationship between the domestic and the epic,' Peter says on the subject of what appeals to him about the programme. 'The sense that there's a bridge, that a hand can be extended, and you can step from the Earth, from the supermarket car park, into the Andromeda Nebulae. And I love monsters. Everybody loves monsters.'
'You remember thingy. The not-me one. The "asking questions" one. Names ... not my area.'Deep Breath, of course, features a significant portion of the staples from the programme's Twenty First Century regeneration, created by a group of Doctor Who fanatics, just like Capaldi. There are in-jokes aplenty in Steven Moffat cleverly weighed script with lots of self-referential moments - the dialogue is littered with allusions to both the new Doctor's apparent age and his, definite, Scottishness, including at least one very loaded independence joke - but that's just one part of the show's detailed, complex and eccentric universe. For someone as established and respected an actor as Capaldi this is all food and drink. Visually, in his eventual 'front row of a Specials gig in 1979' costume, he looks a bit like the ageing rock star he could well have been now had circumstances dictated. He was, infamously, in the sub-Postcard band Dreamboys along with his old mate Craig Ferguson in his youth just prior to breaking into acting in Local Hero. And so to the part he's waited to play all of his life; Capaldi is, within seconds of his first appearance in Deep Breath, The Doctor. A new, volatile, cross, sarky, mature and much more dangerous Doctor. You'd expect Capaldi to be riveting from the word go - unless you were that infamously glakeish American online Special Person who declared that Capaldi (whom he or she had 'never heard of', incidentally) had, this person considered, 'neither the depth or range' to play the part. Apparently. It's on The Internet, dear blog reader, so it must be true. Comparisons to several previous Doctors are, of course inevitable. That always happens during a new Doctor's opening overs and this time around, it's no different. It's not hard to detect shades of William Hartnell, Tom Baker and, especially, Mister Pertwee, reportedly Peter's own childhood favourite, in his performance (and, interestingly, more than a smidgen of Sylvester McCoy too. Not just in the Scottishness, either).
But Capaldi is, defiantly, his own Doctor occupying his own space (and time) and shows as much depth and range as an actor of his quality and experience should. Much has been made in parts of the media of his incarnation being 'darker' that his immediate predecessors (something which Capaldi has used at least one recent TV interview to play down). By the conclusion of the opening episode, and one scene in particular - sure to be debated at length within fandom - audience will know (know for certain) that this is not a Time Lord to be messed with. Yet there is also a warmer, more vulnerable side to the character - reminiscent of both Davison and Smith - hovering in the background but, perhaps, a touch harder to access than it was before. There's also a decent amount of humour in the episode, most of it coming from The Doctor and Clara's developing new relationship. 'He doesn't do puzzles, he isn't complicated. He really doesn't have the attention span!'
'I could use it to blow this whole room if I see one thing I don't like. And that includes Karaoke and mime, so take no chances.' Of course, it's a continuity lover's dream. There are allusions to, in no particular order, The Time Of The Doctor (Handles, 'I am not a control freak!', the eleventh Doctor's cameo phone call from Trenzalore), Planet Of The Spiders ('here we go again'), Invasion Of The Dinosaurs, Terror Of The Zygons (the monster in the Thames), The Pirate Planet ('what's the point?'), The Power Of The Daleks ('renewed?'), The Day Of The Doctor (Marcus Aurelius, 'are you judging me?', the 'round things'), The Snowmen ('... and we will melt him with acid'), Robot ('And a big, long scarf. No, move on from that. Looked stupid!'), The Fires Of Pompeii ('I have never seen that face', 'It's funny, because, I'm sure that I have.'), The War Games (Time Lords' ability to chose a specific face when regenerating), Time & The Rani ('I've gone a bit Scottish'), Asylum Of The Daleks (The Impossible Girl small ad), Human Nature (the references to The Doctor's watch), The Angels Take Manhattan ('it's at times like this I miss Amy'), Silence In The Library (the voice-activated sonic), The Girl In The Fireplace ('droids harvesting spare parts. That rings a bell'), The Doctor's Wife (the non-matching hands), The Brain Of Morbius ('This isn't a man turning himself into a robot. It's a robot turning itself into a man piece by piece'), Blink ('she called the police?'), The Tenth Planet ('is there any of the real you left?'), The Eleventh Hour ('Geronimo!'), The Mind Of Evil ('Oh, look! The cavalry!'), The Talons Of Weng Chiang (the Fifty First Century), The Underwater Menace ('little man!'), Ghost Light (the entire building as a spaceship), The Robots Of Death ('self destruction is against my basic programming'), Frontios (the hat-stand), The Three Doctors ('you've redecorated, I don't like it!'), The Bells of St John ('a long time ago you were given the number of a computer help line, but you ended up phoning the TARDIS. Who gave you that number?'), The Hand Of Fear (the TARDIS missing its intended target and ending up in Scotland) and The End Of The World (chips solve everything).
There are visual nods in the direction of several previous regeneration stories (notably Castrovalva and Spearhead From Space) as well as a whole array of pseudo-historical adventures from the series' past - the sometime steampunk Victorian settings of The Snowmen, The Crimson Horror, The Next Doctor, The Unquiet Dead and The Talons Of Weng Chiang, most obviously. It's also full of clever inter-textual Sherlock Holmes jokes ('We've got the Paternoster irregulars out in force. If anyone can find him, they can. Meanwhile, Madame Vastra is slightly occupied by the Conk-Singleton forgery case and is having the Camberwell child-poisoner for dinner'!) and there's a really witty little allusion to the Father Ted perception scene ('It's just far away. Everything looks too small'). Along with paraphrases from The Terminator, Apocalypse, Now, Sweeney Todd, Picnic At Hanging Rock, Tipping The Velvet, Bleak House, O Captain, My Captain and the collected works of Robert Burns.
'I'd say that person would be an egomaniac, needy, game-player sort of person.''Well at least that hasn't changed.' In a story which benefits from being firmly set in one of Doctor Who's most regular haunts - the land of cod Gothia Victoriana - Deep Breath functions on just about every level one could ask of it; as straight entertainment, as subtext and as metaphor. Superbly directed by Ben Wheatley, in places stylistically fascinating, it is an episode essentially about faith, in all its forms (that surprise final scene with Michelle Gomez). It featured big ideas - necessary big ideas - but still found time for the small and the apparently insignificant amid its classy depiction of rebirth and refocusing. The episode had elegance, tension and beautiful drama, particularly in the scene in which Clara refuses to tell The Half-Face Man what he wants to know (Jenna acting her little cotton socks off here, and elsewhere for that matter). 'Shut up, I was talking to the horse!'
And then, there's the dialogue. 'Hello, rubbish robots from the dawn of time. Thank you for all the gratuitous information. Five foot one and crying, you never stood a chance!' Yes, this is one of Moffat's funny ones, dear blog reader. 'I'll wager you've not seen anything like this before!''Not since I was a little girl.' And: 'It dropped a blue box marked "Police" out of its mouth - your grasp of biology troubles me.' And: 'You're very similar heights. Maybe you should wear labels.' And: 'Don't look in that mirror, it's absolutely furious!' And: 'I never bother with sleep, I just do standy-up-catnaps. Generally when anyone else starts talking. I like to skip ahead to my bits, it saves time!' And: 'You want a psychic link with me? The size of my brain, it would be like dropping a piano on you.' And: 'I love monkeys, they're so funny!' And: 'The world which shook at my feet, and the trees, and the sky have gone, and I am alone now.' And: 'May I take your clothes?' And all of those are in the first ten minutes! Then, it gets all moody and philosophical. 'He is the Doctor. He has walked this universe for centuries untold, he has seen stars fall to dust. You might as well flirt with a mountain range.' And: 'Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor, last of the five Goodens. A stoic philosopher.''Superlative bass guitarist. The Doctor really knows how to put a band together.' There are moments of naughty humour ('My time machine got stuck in your throat. It happens. I brought you along by accident - that's how I mostly meet girls!' And: 'You've got to admire the efficiency.''Is it okay if I don't?') There are great daft lines for Strax to bellow ('Out of the way, human filth. Jurassic emergency!' and 'He's almost certainly had his throat cut by the violent poor!') There is time for the surreal ('Probably best to stay out the larder. It'll get a bit noisy in there later') and the epic ('I'm the Doctor. I have lived for over two thousand years and not all of them were good. I have made many mistakes, and it's about time I did something about that.') Moments of the humane ('I've got a horrible feeling I'm going to have to kill you. I thought you might appreciate a drink first. I know I would') and the sinister ('Never start with your final sanction. You've got nowhere to go but backwards') and the genuinely sad ('To find the promised land.''You're millions of years old, it's time you knew. There isn't one'). There's geet towering slabs of wee-yer-pants humour ('Deflected narcissism, traces of passive aggressive and a lot of muscular young men doing sport.''What are you looking at?''Your subconscious' And: 'Where are we now?''Factually, an ancient space ship, probably buried for centuries. Functionally, a larder'). There's sly, witty wink-of-the-eye humour ('What devilry is this, sir?''I don't know. But I probably blame the English') and giggly, 'I shouldn't really be laughing at this but ...' humour ('Oh, the symbolism.' And: 'She called the police? We never do that. We should start!') Deep Breath is written to be quoted, at length, to complete strangers on a bus six weeks after the episode has aired: 'I'm not just being rhetorical, you can join in!' And, who could fail to love the bit where Clara got hit in the mush with The Times?
'Please tell me I didn't get old? Anything but old!'Deep Breath, then, is the first brick in the construction of the twelfth Doctor's house. It's lyrical and smart, but never - as Frank Cottrell Boyce noted in his piece in the Torygraph this week'smart-alec'. It's never so in love with its own cleverness that it finds no room for the odd moments of slapstick and largess towards its audience. 'Nothing is more important than my egomania!' It's not perfect, there are flaws. There are a couple of lugubrious faux-naïf moments that might have been left on the cutting room floor in an ideal world, a couple of supporting players who hadn't, quite, got with the programme and at least one less-than-special effect which could have done with a bit more time and money, although the dinosaur is wonderful. But such criticism is churlish when one sees the way that Peter and Jenna interact, the way the script pulls many 'you can't get there from here' tricks and then proves they, actually, you can. 'Give him Hell, he'll always need it!'And the new title sequence is fabulous, though the redone title music is just a shade too ... clang-y and bang-y for this blogger's own personal tastes. I'm sure I'll get used to it. Conclusion: Deep Breath is good. In fact, it's borderline great. It's not a love letter to the series past like The Day Of The Doctor was though it flirts with being exactly that (so much for the 'no flirting' thing!) Instead, it is a little bit like a Kate Bush single; appealingly odd, multi-layered, wistful and knowingly a part of its own, unique, universe. And utterly memorable. 'Welcome to Heaven' indeed. Or, to put it another way: 'Spontaneous combustion!''Is that like love at first sight?' Yes, dear blog reader. Yes it usually is.
And, from the important stuff, to the ratings: Match Of The Day At Fifty was seen by an average overnight audience of 2.37 million on BBC1 on Friday. The hour long Match Of The Day retrospective which, if you will, kicked-off at 10.35pm, peaked with an audience of 2.53 million. BBC1 also had success with the sitcom Boomers, which with viewing figures of 3.56 million, was Friday's highest-rated show outside of soaps across all channels at 9pm. The evening began with 3.01 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 2.62 million for A Question Of Sport and 2.62 million for Scrappers at 8.30pm. The Dales was ITV's most popular show outside of soaps, on something of a horrorshow of a night for the commercial channel, scoring figures of just 2.36 million at 8pm. Doc Martin was seen by 2.09 million at 9pm. Young Vets got BBC2's evening off to a respectable start, attracting 1.16 million at 7pm. It was followed by 1.66 million for Mastermind and 1.31 million for Sweets Made Simple. The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice achieved an evening high of 2.11 million at 9pm, while Gardener's World was seen by 1.63 million. On Channel Four, The Million Pound Drop attracted eight hundred and seventy thousand punters at 8pm, while six hundred and forty thousand watched The Singer Takes It All at 9pm, which was followed by The Last Leg with seven hundred and sixty thousand. Celebrity Big Brother's latest episode was seen by 1.85 million. BBC4's excellent Running Up That Hill: The Kate Bush Story was among the highest-rated multichannel shows, picking up seven hundred and thirty eight thousand viewers at 9.10pm.

BBC1 controller Charlotte Moore has revealed details of a number of new programmes heading to the channel. Speaking at the Edinburgh Television Festival over the weekend, Moore revealed that she had commissioned several shows to broaden BBC1's drama, factual and documentary offerings. The first of these, The Living And The Dead, is a new six-part fantasy drama from the creators of Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes. It begins shooting next year and, according to Moore, is 'steeped in real history and mythology that will scare the audience and awaken the dead.' Set in Somerset in 1888, the hour-long episodes will follow the story of Nathan Appleby, a farmer who has made it his mission to prove the existence of an afterlife. Described by the creators as a 'complex and compelling man', Appleby will experience paranormal activity - encouraged by the Society for Psychical Research - until his obsession begins to threaten the safety of his family and his own sanity. A second drama which begins shooting in the New Year, From Darkness (written by the excellent Sugar Rush's Katie Baxendale) focuses on former Greater Manchester Policewoman Clare Church. Described by Moore as 'powerful and provocative', the series will see Church having to face returning to the force after twenty years when grim new evidence relating to a past case is unearthed. The last of the new drama commissions is a seventy five-minute exploration of a woman's response to her daughter's murder in the 7 July bombings. A Song For Jenny, written by Frank McGuiness and directed by Brian Percival, was adapted from Julie Nicholson's memoir and will star Emily Watson as the grieving mother. On the comedy front, Moore announced a new six-part studio sitcom series, Mountain Goats. Set in the Scottish Highlands, it will revolve around 'the antics of an energetic ragtag group of Mountain Rescue volunteers.' The final new offering Twenty Four Hours In The Past will see Ruth Goodman supervise six 'celebrities' as they relive a day in the life of some of the poorest people in Victorian Britain. Well, that should be funny. Oh, hang on, this isn't part of the comedy slate, is it? 'Authenticity runs through everything I'm trying to do on BBC1 and the new programme commissions underline this focus,' added Charlotte. '(By) inspiring talent and discovering new voices to tell universal stories in unexpected ways (I hope) to bring audiences the very best quality programming.'

Senior BBC executives including Director of Television Danny Cohen and drama chief Ben Stephenson were - according to a not in the slightest bit agenda-soaked trouble-making piece of shite in the Gruniad Morning Star - 'furious' with Krishnan Guru-Murthy’s rigorous questioning of Charlotte Moore at Edinburgh on Friday. The pair, the Gruniad allege, 'confronted' the Channel Four News presenter at the end of Moore's Meet The Controller session with Stephenson 'particularly animated.'Sadly, it would seem the pair didn't take the odious, full-of-his-own-importance Guru-Murthy out the back and give him a jolly good, hard, talking-to. Guru-Murthy was, the Gruniad sneer, 'having none of it', telling them they were being 'ridiculous.' The presenter, by all accounts no fan of BBC1's Sarah Lancashire drama Happy Valley, was also criticised by a BBC drama producer in the audience who took umbrage after he asked Moore about veteran BBC journalist John Simpson's recent not very warm comments about the 'tough women' who run the corporation. 'Do you think that in repeating that and asking that of a female controller, there is a danger you are legitimising it?' she asked, to loud cheers and applause from the audience who were, clearly - and much to the Gruniad's seeming distaste - 'on Moore's side.' Quite the opposite, weaselled Guru-Murthy (who, of course, the middle-class hippy Communist lice at the Gruniad just love the mostest, baby). 'When a leading BBC talent like John Simpson makes a public comment like that, one of the BBC's leading women needs to be invited to comment on it.' Which Moore was happy to do. 'He's entitled to his opinion,' she said, flatly. 'I don’t think he was talking about me.'That's the way to deal with uppity nonsense, Charl, slap it down. Hard.

The BBC will carry on producing its big hit shows such as EastEnders, Strictly Come Dancing, Doctor Who and Top Gear in-house, despite proposals to open up BBC schedules to independent producers. Director of Television Danny Cohen revealed at Edinburgh that those formats, at least, would not be up for grabs. If the proposal to shake up BBC productions outlined by Tony Hall in July goes ahead, Cohen said the BBC is 'not planning to put any of the current strands' out to tender. He said the new BBC production outfit 'will be part of the BBC family in the way BBC Worldwide is', indicating it would be a stand-alone subsidiary. Cohen said, candidly, that the plan has 'gone down differently in different areas, in some parts I'm not the most popular person', while some staff are 'excited by it.' He said the BBC is, 'doing very, very detailed business planning' but there is not a figure he could - or cared to - put on what the savings would be as yet. However, he thought that, 'there's millions to be saved.'Cohen said that areas such as natural history will win 'huge amounts of business' in an open market but that particular attention needed to be paid to genres such as children's programming and sport. When asked if restrictions or guarantees would be put in place to ensure the production subsidiary could not be sold off one day, Cohen said that discussions were still taking place: 'In terms of the potential to be sold off I don't think that's in our plans either,' he said. 'But, I think that we need to get through the next stage of our regulatory and financial planning to be able to come up with a conclusive plan on that one.' Speaking afterwards to the Gruniad Morning Star, he said: 'It's a fair question and we need to do more work on it. I just don't know about the regulatory detail, I need to get more advice on it. I think there needs to be [some kind of restriction] but it would also be the case that if they didn't make the business it's going to go, those bits wouldn't survive.' He added: 'If we can’t compete, those bits won't continue.' Cohen also said his job will change because there will be a conflict of interest: 'I won't be able to do the current job because my job in its current form won't exist. The question will be: do we need to do that before we make a move so that when we do the planning there's no thing? That's one of the things we're looking at.' Within the next few days the BBC will appoint a policy and strategy team which will lead the process. When asked if the new outfit becomes part of BBC Worldwide it could mean that some staff may move back to Television Centre where BBC Worldwide will move next year, Cohen said: 'As to property, we are going to need to make sure our productions are in places where they are efficiently run based on their budgets and that may mean that big factual production isn't in W1.' Cohen also asked the industry to get 'behind the BBC' in the run-up to charter renewal over the next eighteen months.

Channel Five has issued a statement following claims that the latest series of Big Brother was 'fixed.' Since the show concluded last Friday, some viewers have been complaining to the broadcaster that Helen Wood's victory could not possibly reflect the results of the public vote. 'Channel Five has received inquiries from viewers about the most recent series of Big Brother,' begins the response posted on the programme's official website. The statement goes on to highlight the multiple procedures put in place to independently verify phone and text votes on any given eviction night. It also highlights the individual housemate standings at various points on the day of the final. 'At 9.20am on 15 August, the morning of the final of Big Brother 2014 Ashleigh was eight thousand and eighteen votes ahead of Helen,' reveals the broadcaster. 'Helen was nine thousand seven hundred and eighty nine votes ahead of Christopher, Christopher was four thousand nine hundred and forty five votes ahead of Ash, Ash was eight thousand seven hundred and thirty votes ahead of Chris [and] Chris was eleven thousand two hundred and thirty seven votes ahead of Pav.' Poor Pav. The figures show that viewer votes put Ashleigh ahead of Helen right up until the start of the evening's live broadcast. By the time the voting lines closed at 10.03pm, Ashleigh's lead had been lost, with Helen managing a four thousand six hundred and thirty one vote victory. In response to allegations that Helen's pass to the final was 'orchestrated' by Channel Five to ensure that she won the show, the broadcaster adds: 'During the launch of Big Brother, the viewers voted for Pauline to be given 'the power' in the House. And, you mustn't mess with Pauline, dear blog reader. Or she will attack and you don't want that. 'Pauline knew nothing about what reward would be given when she selected Helen for a reward. The first either Helen or Pauline or any other housemate knew about there being a "pass to the final" was when Big Brother announced to the House exactly what the reward was that Pauline had chosen Helen to receive. Helen auditioned for Big Brother in the same way as all other applicants for a place in the Big Brother House,' Channel Five continues, in reference to rumours that the twenty seven-year-old from Bolton had been 'hand-picked' as the winner. 'When she entered the House, Helen did not have an agent, a manager or any connection with either Northern & Shell or [owner of Channel Five and soft-core pornographer] Richard Desmond.' The broadcaster also addresses claims that Helen received 'multiple warnings' from producers which did not air on the show and that these went on to skew the final result. 'There were a number of further informal interventions with Helen about her conduct,' it explains, 'although these informal interventions were not themselves included in any broadcast. Informal interventions with other housemates, similarly, were not included in the material broadcast.' The statement concludes: 'The Big Brother voting system remains independently verified and Big Brother is satisfied that the outcome of Big Brother 2014 was an accurate reflection of the public's decisions.' As if anybody actually gives a stuff about crap like this. Broadcasting regulator Ofcom has yet to make a comment on the allegations, but notes on its website that as of Monday it had received over four hundred0 complaints about the reality show's result.

BBC4 is seeking as a priority to bring back the missing 'edge of satire' to refresh its schedule, in line with past hits, including The Thick Of It and Twenty Twelve. Cassian Harrison, the channel editor, said that 'bold, critical commentary on the world we live in now' was on his agenda, and was also being pursued with BBC comedy commissioner Shane Allen. Speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival, he also said he wants to refresh Friday nights, which have tended to draw on archives of popular rock and roll performers for concert, clip and list shows. 'We need to turn that chapter, open up the mix, more variety, more than one artist and explore collaborations with 6Music' he said, including live performances from music venues, such as London's Round House. Harrison also backed 'big bold ideas', like the recent hit, The History Of Toilets and added that a forthcoming programme, Spider House, followed the lives of twenty thousand spiders throughout the day; 'how they mate, what they eat, what they do.' Although BBC4's twenty six per cent budget cut has ruled out landmark biopic dramas such as Edith and Burton & Taylor, Harrison is able to buy a licence for some original drama and has agreed to contribute to a second series of the Anglo/Welsh S4C drama, Hinterland which ran successfully on BBC4 earlier this year. He is continuing the popular Saturday night screenings of European dramas like The Bridge and Spiral with Cordon, a Belgium production about a killer virus due to be shown this autumn. And although BBC4's audience is upmarket and over fifty five - except for yer actual Keith Telly Topping who is very downmarket and only fifty - Harrison said that once audiences grew to more than five hundred thousand the mix became much more diverse, and it needed its own Twitter account and Facebook page to interact with regular viewers.

So, as noted, an outbreak of a deadly virus in Antwerp will be the focus of the latest Saturday night foreign drama on BBC4, with the broadcaster also due to show the new series of The Bridge and the acclaimed French police drama Spiral. The Belgian city is sealed off from the outside world in the ten-part thriller, Cordon, following the discovery of a contagious and deadly virus which brings out the very best of the people trapped inside, but also the very worst. It is the second thriller from Belgium on BBC4 following the bank heist drama, Salamander, as the broadcaster looks to spread its net further beyond the traditional Scandinavian home of its biggest hits, The Bridge, The Killing and Borgen. The dramas have come to define the channel as it reshapes itself after savage budget cuts which have meant it has lost all of its home-grown drama output. The Bridge will return for a third series as part of BBC4's new season of programmes announced at Edinburgh on Thursday. Other new series include a season of programmes exploring the nation's fascination with all things Gothic across BBC3 and BBC4 and a series of Storyville films about love in the Twenty First Century. Elsewhere, Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman will join cult favourite Lucy Worsley to tell the story of British dance in a three-part series, Dancing Cheek To Cheek. The only one of the BBC's four channels to increase its audience in the current decade, albeit from the lowest base, Cassian Harrison said: 'BBC4 is in rude health: share and reach were both up on the previous year and audience appreciation continues to be the highest of all BBC channels. BBC4 has a unique place in the BBC portfolio offering intelligent, innovative and surprising content with a distinctive depth, wit and verve.' That BBC4 has a channel editor rather than controller is, of course, a reflection of its downgraded status as a result of recent cuts, although its future appears to be secure, unlike sister channel BBC3, due to get kicked online next year. Other new BBC4 shows already announced include metal detector sitcom The Detectorists, starring Mackenzie Crook and Puppy Love from Getting On co-creators Joanna Scanlan and Vicki Pepperdine. The Gothic Season will include programmes about Frankenstein, Gothic architecture and a Goth music special featuring Siouxsie & The Banshees, The Cure, The Sisters Of Mercy and The Mission. A new documentary, Spider House, will feature a Gothic family house taken over by spiders, showing 'in unprecedented detail' the secret world of the spider, while three-part Treasures Of The Indus will explore the treasures of the Indian Subcontinent. The three-part Love Season will include One Hundred Years Of Love And Courtship, featuring the 'very first kisses ever caught on film' with a soundtrack by Richard Hawley, a documentary about a Japanese love hotel and One Hundred And Twelve Weddings, about, well, one hundred and twelve weddings, basically.

Scowling Jezza Paxman his very self is said to be 'in discussions' with Channel Four over a possible move from the BBC. The former Newsnight host has been in talks with Channel Four's chief creative officer Jay Hunt about future projects on the channel, she revealed at Edinburgh. When asked if she had held talks with Paxman, she said: 'I have known Jeremy for years and worked with him on Newsnight. Jon Snow should not be worried in any way. But am I in talks? Yes, of course.' Hunt would not give any more information about what kinds of projects Paxman could be involved in. Paxman left Newsnight after Twenty five years as its lead presenter in June, but remains at the corporation as host of University Challenge. He recently received broadly positive reviews for his one-man show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Channel Four will create a one-off drama focusing on Nick Clegg's rise in British politics. The project, which has the working title Coalition, will chart Clegg's journey in 2010 from 'rank outsider' to 'the man who would decide the fate of the country.' And, if they hang on for another year until the next election, they'll be able to chart his journey into the gutter with all the other shit when he and his party get abandoned by their long term supporters for forgetting all of their principles for a sniff of power.

The cast of a popular South African soap opera, Generations, have all been sacked after going on strike in a long-running dispute over pay and contracts. The show's sixteen actors, watched nightly on state broadcaster SABC, were fired after resisting calls to return to work at studios in Johannesburg. The programme will continue to be broadcast until October, while producers have indicated that new actors will be recruited. Generations follows a group of black middle-class characters working in advertising. It was first shown in 1993, a year before South African's first democratic multi-party elections brought Nelson Mandela to power. The programme is a popular draw with South Africans, providing a source of aspiration to many TV viewers. Executive producer Mfundi Vlunda told a South African radio station that new cast members would be sought. 'There were other actors before, there will be other actors in the future,' he told Talk Radio 702. 'Generations will go on, it doesn't mean the demise of the series. We've been engaging with them since October last year,' said Vlunda, who added that the cast had been asked to continue recording the show while negotiations continued but had not returned to work. 'That's it, it's finished, it's a termination,' he added. Vlunda branded the actors' pay and contractual demands 'unreasonable' and claimed that twelve of South Africa's highest paid actors were Generations cast members. The cast have contended they are underpaid and also receive no repeat fees for their work, which is screened in other African countries. Among the actors losing their jobs is Sophie Ndaba, who has played Queen Moroka since the show's inception. The cast's lawyer said that they would 'seek further advice' before deciding how to fight the programme makers' decision. South Africa's Arts and Culture minister, Nathi Mthethwa, said that he was willing to help reach 'a speedy and amicable resolution to this matter' and added the drama had helped foster the development and growth of the country's creative industries.

Now, as some of you will already know, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith telly Topping has been suffering from a sodding annoying back injury over the last few months - essentially, it's sciatica (that's inflammation of the sciatic nerve for those without a medical degree, which is caused by a compressed disc in the lower vertebrae). Frankly, it hurts like jimbuggery. It's okay, I'm not fishing for sympathy here, I'm taking strong pain-killers for it which helps and the lack of mobility a lot of the time is liveable-with. But, as a consequence, much of the cycle-based fitness regime that yer actual Keith Telly Topping had been doing at the back end of last year - which seemed to be doing him a lot of good - has had to go into mothballs. Except from swimming. Now, yer actual Keith Telly Topping had been really enjoying going along to his local pool two or three times a week, doing a few lengths breaststroke and then spending half-an-hour in the steam room or the sauna (or, sometimes, both) before breakfast. Over the last couple of weeks, or so, I've started to up the amount of pool work that I'm doing. It's usually five days a week now - sometimes six - and whereas once upon a time, six or eight lengths might've been considered a good day, I've found myself able to get up to ten, twelve, thirteen and then, on Thursday of this week dear blog reader, this blogger set a new British, European and Commonwealth All Comers personal best of fourteen. Fourteen! No, that's not Paul Hadrcaste's second, rather forgotten, single but, rather, the number of lengths wot yer actual Keith Telly Topping only went and done (a figure which he matched on Capaldi Saturday, incidentally). It hurt. I mean, it really hurt, but still ... Little victories and all that. This was considerably aided, it must be said, by the pair of swimming goggles Keith Telly Topping bought at Argos in midweek for a tenner. This was the first time in ages that he had emerged from the waters without his eyes stinging like Sting (singing on the roof of the Barbican) from all the chlorine. Anyway, this was the middle part of an early morning triathlon which also involved yer actual Keith Telly Topping walking to the bus stop and then, later, limpingback to the bus stop to come home. Admittedly, there was a break in the middle for a coffee at Morrison's. You know, this blooger reckons that international triathlons should all have a coffee break in the middle; it'd be more civilised and, imagine what the finishes would be like if the Brownlee brothers had tons of caffeine swilling around in their systems?!

'Dont! Look! Round!'
'People don't need to be scared by a big grey-haired stick insect. But, here you are! Stay still! Shut up!' The idea of doing an episode of Doctor Who which either focuses directly or, at least alludes to, the central character's own private fears and traumas is something which successive productions teams have flirted with on many previous occasions going all the way back to The Edge Of Destruction in early 1964. The conceit is there, in different shades, in The Tomb Of The Cybermen and The Mind Robber, in The Mind Of Evil, Frontier In Space, The Green Death and in Planet Of The Spiders. It's absolutely central to The Brain Of Morbius, Planet Of Evil, The Pyramids of Mars and, especially, Image Of The Fendahl and also crops up, in part, in stories as diverse as Nightmare Of Evil, Terminus, The Greatest Show In The Galaxy, Dalek, The Satan Pit, Midnight, The Waters Of Mars, Amy's Choice and The God Complex. In this regard, Listen - the latest episode written by EMMY-and-BAFTA-winning showrunner, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) - is merely following in a long and fruitful line of thinking. One in which successive production teams have established that the best way to scare the audience is by - at least trying to - scare the living bejesus out of The Doctor his very self. And, in this case, it all beings with a single notion: 'I think everybody, at some point in their lives, has the exact same nightmare.'
'You wake up, or you think you do. And there's someone in the dark, someone close. Or you think there might be. So you sit up and turn on the light. The room looks different at night. It ticks and creaks and breathes. And you tell yourself there's nobody there. Nobody watching. Nobody listening. And you very nearly believe it.'Listen begins conventionally enough. Clara is on date with Mickey Smith-clone yer actual Danny Pink (no jokes please). It may be the single most important date in all of Time and Space, and that. Or, perhaps it isn't. Possibly it is of no significance whatsoever except to the two people involved. An inconsequential and fleeting click on the personal timelines of two random people with little in common except their ability to put their foot right in their mouth at the most inappropriate moment. But, where is The Doctor whilst all of this is taking place? In discussion about the construction of the episode, Steven Moffat said in an interview earlier this year: 'My impulse, starting in that, was just the idea, "What does [The Doctor] do when he's got nothing to do?" Because he'd throw himself off a building if he thought it'd be interesting on the way down. He's fascinated by anything. And, here he is with nothing to do, so he just goes out poking things with a stick until something bites it. I think that's quite interesting, isn't it? There's a thrill-seeker aspect.' Again, this isn't exactly new territory - The Doctor's hatred of boredom was mentioned in Vincent & The Doctor whilst The Doctor's Wife suggests that the TARDIS her very self specifically avoids letting The Doctor brood in the depths of his own self-consciousness by taking him where he needs to go even if it isn't, necessarily, where he wants to go. The TARDIS, in short, provides him with constant stimuli because, if it doesn't, there's no telling what he might get up to in acquiring some for himself. Or, what the consequences of that poking around with a stick in search of something to occupy his mind might be. But, for once even the TARDIS can't provide The Doctor with a revolution to start, a world to save or a galaxy to protect.

Bored, alone, and - as Clara correctly guesses - having been travelling on his own for far too too long, The Doctor finds that he's started talking to himself. That is himself, rather than another one of his selves, which would, at least, be a distraction of sorts. As both River Song and Donna, among others, has noted in the past The Doctor, when travelling alone, is a dangerous thing to be around. He needs companionship to keep him grounded. To keep him wise. To keep him sane. He begins to question why he's talking to himself. It's not an unreasonable question for a rationalist to ponder upon even though we all do it. (This blogger is doing it as he writes this review, dear blog reader, and I can assure you there is definitely no one else in Stately Telly Topping Manor. I mean, he certainly hasn't got a woman hiding under the bed. Oh no, very hot water.) So, just why do we speak out loud when we're alone? Is it, perhaps, because we're not really alone? And, if so, who, or what, is listening to us? All of this occurs in the first couple of minutes of the episode and, by the time the title sequence starts, Listen has already managed to deliver a precise little essay on its central theme. Everything from that point onwards appears to be an exercise in either proving (or disproving) The Doctor's notion that we are, none of us, ever really alone.
'What are you doing in here?''You said you had a date. I thought I'd better hide in the bedroom in case you brought him home. Bit early, aren't you? Did it all go wrong, or is this good by your standards?'Listen manages to be something of a paradox: both familiar and comforting and yet, also, in places genuinely very scary and disturbing. It's a clever construction, weaving together half-a-dozen different story fragments as the audience is taken on a rollercoatser ride, ricocheting and rebounding along numerous timelines - both personal and universal - and colliding with more than a few Steven Moffat clichés along the way. The concept of a creature which has the edge over humans on some visual or ephemeral level, rather than corporeal is, of course, hardly new - The Weeping Angels, The Silence, The Vashta Nerada, Prisoner Zero and The Doctor's 'deadliest enemy' from Amy's Choice all spring to mind here. What is the thing The Doctor is most afraid of? Is it hiding under his bed (as it was for Jeanne in The Girl In The Fireplace). Creepy nursery rhymes are something of Moffat-era staple too ('Did we come to the end of the universe because of a nursery rhyme?' asks Clara, horrified, at one point) whilst the feeling of dreaded isolation in childhood (which here, take on a very personal meaning for both Danny and The Doctor), mysteries and half-hidden laughter behind closed doors and an inevitable bit of time-based sleight-of-hand all point to various triumphs of the past from yer man Moffat. Indeed, the episode which Listen most obviously resembles (and, not just on some of its more easily-spotted levels but, often, far deeper and more complicated) is Blink. This episode, too, is about how terrifying the mundane, the ordinary, the normal can appear when glimpsed from the corner of ones' eye. About how the time is an abstract which can be changed by all manner of both deliberate and accidental incidents.
'The universe is dead. Everything that ever was is dead and gone. There is nothing beyond this door but nothingness forever. So, why's it locked?'
'Do you want some water for the table?''Oh, don't you worry, he'll probably dig for it.' But, Listen is far more than just Steve Moffat's Greatest Hits (volume 2). Listen is deeper, richer and more layered than merely a stadium rock gig. More a third-to-last-night at the proms, I'd say.Cue, bassoon solo. Or something. Listen is Doctor Who stripped down to its most basic components. No 'monster of the week' type shenanigans this week but, rather, an episode which depends upon a decent degree of psychological terror, playing on universal fears and primal emotional responses. It's Steven Moffat's best script for the show in at least a couple of years - The Day Of The Doctor a possible exception. The director, the excellent Douglas Mackinnon, presents a properly eerie and towering construction using every trick in The Big Fek Off Book Of Guaranteed Shocks. Mackinnon appears to understand better than most directors on Doctor Who of late that the first rule of frightening your audience is less is more. Thus, we have an eye-catching and well-constructed, visually appealing episode full of dramatic set-pieces and brilliantly understated moments. Viewers have been promised scary stories before during Steven Moffat's tenure (most notably last season's Hide which delivered up to a point) but Listen is the first episode in a while to fully follow-through on the premise. There are, in particular, two scenes which will likely have sent the younger part of the popular family SF drama's audience (and, maybe a fair number of the older ones as well) scurrying for the safety of behind the sofa.
The developing dynamic between yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Colman her very self is a sight to see, dear blog reader. And, I mean a sight to see. Each scene the pair occupy is worth its weight in dialogue gold, full of smart, witty word-play and a keen sense of characterisation. Pre-season, Moffat described this episode as 'the story of a date and The Doctor having what appears to be a mild nervous breakdown.' Which  is, actually, a pretty fair summation of Listen on one level. Yet, oddly, it's also the episode in which The Doctor is the most Doctor-like so far this series - there's the alienness of Deep Breath and Into The Dalek, sure (this new Doctor is hilariously inept at something his immediate two predecessors excelled at, reassuring small-talk in the face of oncoming danger), but there's more going on beneath the furious eyebrows and the caustic grin.

The episode contains ghosts of the past and the future. In terms of continuity, that are references to: The Girl In The Fireplace ('everyone dreams about something under the bed!'), The Sensorites ('TARDIS telepathic interface. You're in mental contact with the TARDIS. So don't think anything rude!'), The Name Of The Doctor ('The TARDIS is extrapolating your entire timeline, from the moment of your birth, to the moment of your death'), The Rings Of Akhaten and Clara's childhood ('The West Country Children's home, Gloucester. By the ozone level and the drains, mid-nineties. You must have been here when you had the dream.''I've never been in Gloucester in my life! And I've never lived in a children's home.''You probably just forgotten. Have you seen the size of human brains? They're hilarious'), Mawdryn Undead ('Isn't it bad if I meet myself?''It's potentially catastrophic'), The End Of The World (psychic paper), Frontios ('The end of the universe?''The TARDIS isn't supposed to come this far, but some idiot turned the safeguards off!' And: 'Now look at him. Robinson Crusoe at the end of time itself. The last man standing in the universe. I always thought it would be me'), Inferno ('not a click or a tick'), Deep Breath ('Do you have your own mood lighting now? Because frankly, the accent is enough'), Logopolis (the Cloister Bell), The Time Monster (a long-overdue glimpse of The Doctor's childhood trauma), Robot ('Sontarans, perverting the course of human history!') and, most memorably, The Day Of The Doctor ('One day you are going to come back to this barn and on that day you are going to be very afraid indeed. But that's okay. Because if you're very wise and very strong, then fear doesn't have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind'). Others have noted a definite Quatermass or Sapphire & Steel feel to the piece whilst this blogger couldn't help but regard the references to the pipes as a direct allusion to 1992's notorious and disturbing nightmare inducer, Ghostwatch.
And, of course, the dialogue is great. Proper great: 'Question. Why is there no such thing as perfect hiding? Answer; how would you know? Logically, if evolution were to perfect a creature whose primary skill were to hide from view, how could you know it existed? It could be with us every second and we would never know. How would you detect it? Even sense it? Except in those moments when, for no clear reason, you choose to speak aloud.' And: 'I like a man who moves fast.''Yeah, I might go straight for extras. Afters! Dessert!' And: 'I'm not doubting the quality of your wells.' And: 'That's just how my face looks when he talks.' And: 'Why do you have three mirrors? Why don't you just turn your head?' And: 'It was a disaster and I am extremely upset about it, since you didn't ask.''Fine, I need you, for a thing!''I can't!''Of course you can, you're free. More than usually free, in fact.' And: 'Rode the first of the great time shots. They were supposed to fire him into the middle of the next week.''What happened?''He went a bit far.' Moffat ratchets up The Funny in places to great effect: 'Now don't get distracted, remember. You are flying a time machine!' And, upon discovering that not every book in the world is a Where's Wally? book: 'Really? Well, that's a few years of my life I'll be needing back!' And: 'He took my bedspread!''Oh, the Human race! You're never happy, are you?' And: 'Orson Pink?''Yeah, I laughed, too! Sorry.'At other moments, the script is deeply introspective and sonorous, full of depth and poetry and awe: 'What if every single living being has a companion. A silent passenger. A shadow. What if the prickle on the back of your neck, is the breath of something close behind you?''How long have you been travelling alone?''Perhaps I never have.' And: 'Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard I can feel it through your hands. There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain it's like rocket fuel. Right now you can run faster and fight harder and jump higher than ever in your life, and you're so alert it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a superpower. It's your superpower. There is danger in this room and guess what, it's you.' Capaldi totally rocks it when he has dialogue like that to spout. This blogger especially enjoyed The Doctor's utterly hopeless efforts to reassure young Rupert that he's safe in his bed, although his subsequent bedtime storytelling technique ('Once upon a time. The end!') had more of a practised edge to it. One wonders if that's how he got Susan's mother and/or father off to sleep all those years ago ('dad skills!'). 'Is it possible we just saved that kid from another kid in a bedspread?''Entirely possible!' Yer actual Keith Telly Topping also had a definite soft spot for 'Is that what I look like from the back?' And: 'Nothing about any of this is any kind of joke!' And: 'Do you have any other way to make this any more surreal than it already is?' And: 'What kind of explanation would you like?''A reassuring one.''Well, the systems are switching to low power. There are temperature differentials all over this ship. It's like pipes banging when the heating goes off.''I always thought there was something in the pipes.''Me too.' And, Clara under the bed. Adored Clara under the bed.
I also loved the eerie, Radiophonic Workshop-style score. Loved Clara's mature, lyrical speech of empowerment to the terrified child in the barn ('fear makes companions of us all'). Loved Capaldi nicking the nightwatchman's coffee, as well. And, of course, the episode's big revelation that, in her own kindly and gentle way, it may have been his Impossible Girl her very self whose gift to a scared and lonely little Gallifreyan boy set him on his comsci mission all those years ago is a wonderfully sharp curve ball that few in the audience will have seen coming.
'Do you know why dreams are called dreams? Because they're not real. If they were real, they wouldn't need a name.'Listen is a fine episode, though it isn't perfect. With more than a few of its best ideas having been used before at some stage in the series past, that's only to be expected. Inevitably, there comes a sense of familiarity with some of the ideas which we've seen Steven use previously. Overall, though, this is a brave and jolly exciting episode from yer man Moffat and one with considerable strength and guts. It won't be to everyone's taste, of course and I can imagine there'll be some crass whinging from the usual suspects on a message board near you, dear blog reader, some time real soon. Go and check them out, dear blog reader, they're quite a sight. But, for those who are looking for a bit more insight into the complex mind of The Doctor (and, of the reasons why he is like he is), you really couldn't ask for more. 'What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark?' What indeed? Congratulations, Moffat, children all over the country tonight will be checking under their bed for monsters. Adults, on the other hand, will be checking for Jenna Coleman. Which is nice. Best episode of the series so far? Touch and go but, on balance, I'd say yes. And, it leaves only one question unanswered. Who moved the chalk?
To the ratings, now: BBC1's DIY SOS: The Big Build had an audience of 4.52m overnight punters at 8pm on Thursday, while Mary Berry's episode of Who Do You Think You Are? topped the night with 4.91m viewers at 9pm. Scotland Decides was watched by 1.59m at 10.35pm. BBC2's excellent Operation Stonehenge brought in 2.22m at 8pm, followed by Penguins On A Plane with 1.31m at 9pm. Mock The Week brought in 1.51m at 10pm. On ITV, Paul O'Grady's For the Love Of Dogs attracted 3.47m at 8.30pm, while drama Chasing Shadows dipped by around seven hundred thousand to a very disappointing 2.66m at 9pm. Channel Four's Location, Location, Location appealed to 1.36m at 8pm, followed by Educating The East End with 1.46m at 9pm. On Channel Five, Police Interceptors gathered seven hundred and thirty two thousand at 8pm. Celebrity Big Brother continued with 1.49m at 9pm, while Dallas was seen by five hundred and sixteen thousand at 10pm.

The final of Celebrity Big Brother was watched by 2.10m sad, crushed victims of society on a very below average Friday night, as Gary Busey was crowned the winner. Apparently. Outside soaps, BBC1's Would I Lie To You? was the most watched primetime show of the evening. Guest panellists Fiona Bruce, Micky Flanagan, Steve Jones and Claudia Winkleman entertained 2.79m from 8.30pm. The latest episode of Boomers also performed adequately, with an overnight average of 2.65m viewers at 9pm, while the new series of Big School continued with 2.34m from 9.30pm. On BBC2, The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice attracted 2.50m, as Jo Brand and co. look back at European cake week. From 9.30pm, Gardeners' World kept 1.89m of the audience. On ITV, Italian chef Gino D'Acampo ventured to Venice in his latest culinary adventure for Gino's Italian Escape, being watched by 2.41m. Andrew Flintoff was the subject of this week's Oily Twat Piers Morgan's Life Stories, which attracted a risible 1.85m from 9pm. On Channel Four, a new episode of Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was watched by 1.64m from 9pm. Alan Carr was joined by unfunny, smug, lanky streak of piss Jack Whitehall, Jon Richardson, Matt Forde, oily twat Piers Morgan and Abbey Clancy in this week's episode of Chatty Man, which had an audience of 1.04m.

Mrs Brown's Boys is to return for two Christmas specials, it has been confirmed. The BBC announced on Twitter that Brendan O'Carroll's popular sitcom will be back in December for two new specials.

It hasn't received the most positive reviews - especially on this here blog - but the host of BBC1 rubbish gymnastics fiasco Tumble believes that it has been given a raw deal. Which it hasn't, that's probably why no one is watching it. The Sun reports that risible screeching horrorshow (and drag) Alex Jones thinks it's 'sad' that no one can write anything 'nice' any more – and expects the series to get 'slaughtered' as it winds up this weekend. Yes, it will. Because it's complete and utter lousy, worthless, tripe, basically. She said: 'You just think "God we have become a bitter nation that can't enjoy anything."' Well, nothing with you in it, anyway, you very silly little girl. The usual criticism about the quality of the z-alleged 'list celebrities' featured in the BBC's genuinely awful rip-off of Pro-Celebrity Drowning has also, seemingly, got Jones's back up. 'I think the roster was good,' she claimed, to the sound of incredulous laughter from throughout the land. Yeah, well, as a licence fee payer - you know, love, one of those annoying little people who pay you sodding grossly inflated wages and kindly don't you forget it - this blogger has but one thing to say about both you and your wretched, risible, odious horrorshow (and drag) of a show. Can we have our money back, please?
Timothy Spall and Matthew Macfadyen are to star in the Sky Living drama The Enfield Haunting. The three-part series will be a dramatisation of the strange events which took place at a house in Enfield in 1977. It will be adapted from Guy Lyon Playfair's book This House Is Haunted and is based on one of the most discussed recordings of alleged poltergeist activity in British history. Spall will play paranormal researcher Maurice Grosse, who is invited into a house after reports of a family being victimised by unseen forces. Juliet Stevenson will play Maurice's wife, Betty, in the drama, while Macfadyen will portray Playfair, a sceptical investigator who joins Maurice at the house. Spall said: 'I am very pleased to be taking part in The Enfield Haunting. Not only is it based on a supernatural happening, it is also a brilliant script that is full of emotional texture and develops beautifully into a human story. I am very much looking forward to working with the excellent team Sky Living and Eleven Film have assembled.' Macfadyen added: 'I'm very pleased and excited to be a part of this strange, unsettling and really quite moving story - and especially pleased to be working again with the brilliant Tim Spall.'The Killing's Kristoffer Nyholm will direct the series, from a script by Joshua St Johnston. The series is expected to be broadcast in 2015.

The BBC has announced the first ever 'non-celebrity' edition of Strictly Come Dancing. No, not the current series - although, if you've seen the line up then a decent case could certainly be made for that. Rather, The People's Strictly will centre on six 'inspirational but everyday heroes and heroines from society' and will be broadcast as part of next year's Red Nose Day campaign in March 2015. Presented by Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman, the contestants are to undergo four weeks of training, after which they will perform to the nation in the ballroom. BBC1's controller, Charlotte Moore said: 'BBC1 is the TV home of ballroom dancing, so where better to see deserving, real-life heroes and heroines experience the sparkling joy of Strictly - and all for such a great cause in Comic Relief.'
A former Daily Mirra and Scum of the World journalist has pleaded extremely not guilty to charges relating to allegations that he encouraged a Belmarsh prison officer to sell stories to the two papers. The prison officer, Robert Norman, from Swanscombe in Kent, also pleaded not guilty to one charge relating to allegations that he leaked stories for money over a six year period. Stephen Moyes, the journalist, pleaded not guilty to two counts at the Old Bailey on Friday. The first count is that he 'unlawfully incited' Norman to commit misconduct in public office between 30 April 2006 and 30 September 2008. He was also charged with 'intentionally encouraging an offence contrary to section forty four of the Serious Crime Act 2007' between 1 October 2008 and 1 May 2011 by 'intending to encourage or assist the commission of an offence namely misconduct in public office, did a series of acts capable of encouraging or assisting the commission of the said offence.'The details of the offence were that he 'persuaded Robert Norman, a public officer, namely a prison officer at HMP Belmarsh, to disclose details pertaining to HMP Belmarsh and that, secondly, he entered into an arrangement with Robert Norman for Robert Norman to be remunerated for that disclosure.' Prosecutor Oliver Glasgow said that the charges were brought under two separate laws because the Serious Crime Act did not come into force in time for the alleged offences between 2006 and 2008. The charge was brought after an investigation by Scotland Yard's Operation Elveden into leaks to newspapers by public officials for stories. Norman pleaded not guilty to a single charge that he 'wilfully misconducted himself to such a degree to amount to an abuse of public trust.' The details of the charge were that he disclosed details pertaining to HMP Belmarsh to a journalist, namely Moyes, and that he entered into an agreement with the newspapers to be paid for the disclosures and thirdly, that he received those payments. The trial will not take place before Easter next year.

The court of appeal has found that a former lawyer at The Times acted 'recklessly' when the paper fought an attempt by an anonymous police blogger, Nightjack, to get an injunction to stop his identity being revealed. However, Mr Justice Wilkie and the Lord Justice of England and Wales found that the Solicitors Disciplinary Tribunal was 'wrong' to have ruled that Alastair Brett 'knowingly' misled the High Court during the case in 2009. The ruling cleared Brett of any suggestion of dishonesty in relation to the Nightjack saga. It emerged in 2012 that a Times journalist had hacked into the Nightjack blogger's e-mail to reveal his identity. Lord Thomas, the Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, agreed with Wilkie's conclusions, saying that barristers and solicitors always have a duty 'to discharge not only the duties to his client but the duty to the court.' Thomas added: 'Misleading the court is regarded by the court and must be regarded by any disciplinary tribunal as one of the most serious offences that an advocator litigator can commit. Where an advocate or other representative or a litigator puts before the court matters which he knows not to be true or by omission leads the court to believe something he knows not to be true, then as an advocate knows of these duties, the inference will be inevitable that he has deceived the court, acted dishonestly and is not fit to be a member of any part of the legal profession.' The judgement followed an appeal lodged by Brett over a decision by the SDT last December to suspend him from practising as a solicitor for six months. The tribunal ruled that Brett knowingly allowed the High Court to be misled over the hacking of Nightjack's e-mail account by the then twenty four-year-old Times journalist Patrick Foster. This was rejected by the court of appeal, which instead substituted a finding that Brett had 'recklessly allowed the court to be misled.' Wilkie found that the SDT was 'fully entitled' to reject the claims by Brett that he 'did not understand' the full legal ramifications of what had happened until three years after the event when The Leveson Inquiry started. The judge said that he was 'in no doubt' the judge in the 2009 injunction proceedings was 'misled' by the account of how Foster had first identified Nightjack, claiming that he had used 'publicly available sources.' The SDT had heard how Foster had 'confided' in Brett that he had hacked the account of Nightjack and discovered that he was a detective constable with the Lancashire constabulary, Richard Horton. Foster had asked Brett for legal advice and was told that what he had done was 'totally unacceptable' and that the story was unpublishable from a legal perspective. Foster went on to discover that he could identify Horton through using publicly available information and a story was published after the High Court judge ruled an injunction was not justified. But the court in the 2009 proceedings was never told about the original hacking. Wilkie said that the judge had approached the case on the basis that Foster had 'unmasked' Horton's identity by using information already in the public domain. 'I am in no doubt that the court was misled,' he said in a judgment published on Thursday. This was because of a combination of a misleading witness statement by Foster, Brett's apparent denial that there had been any unlawful access to Horton's e-mail account and his subsequent failure to 'clarify the matter' following questions by the Nightjack blogger's solicitors. The judge found that Brett's claim of 'legal privilege' was 'not incompatible' with his duty not to knowingly mislead the court. 'The risk that the court might be misled, is not incompatible with the duty of confidentiality owed to a person who has disclosed material on an occasion of legal professional privilege.' He had a number of options including dropping its fight against Horton's injunction application, said Wilkie. This would not have involved breaking the confidentiality of the private conversation he had with Foster but it would have avoided the court being misled, he said. He added that Brett's 'focus on the issue' of the legal privilege of conversations between a journalist and an in-house lawyer was 'a red herring.' Brett said that he was 'pleased' the judges had ruled he had not 'knowingly allowed the court to be misled', adding that he 'could not quibble' with their conclusion his handling of the case was 'reckless' as he was 'under time pressures' during the period to the litigation. 'The important thing for media lawyers is that I think I have now established that in-house lawyers are not under a duty to snitch on journalists like Patrick Foster if they come seeking legal advice on a public interest story and tell you that they might have done something illegal,' he said. 'Patrick Foster was also a potential defendant like the editor in any privacy or libel proceedings as he was the author of the story. As such he was clearly entitled to seek legal advice and the SDT was completely wrong in finding that the in-house lawyer has a duty to tell a court everything that a journalist might have said when seeking legal advice.'

Robert 'Throb' Young, the guitarist who helped Primal Scream to rock superstardom in the 1990s, has died. He was widely reported to have been forty nine years old although there is some doubt about his exact age as most histories of the band had previously stated that he was a contemporary and school-friend of lead singer Bobby Gillespie who is, very definitely, fifty two. Throb founded the band with Gillespie and Jim Beattie in Glasgow in 1982. After several years of minor success on the indie circuit with their rather fey and introspective but nevertheless attractive and catchy, Byrds-influenced pop singles ('Velocity Girl', 'All Fall Down', 'Gentle Tuesday' and the 1987 LP Sonic Flower Groove) The Primes hit the big-time with their psych-pop masterpiece Screamadelica in 1991, which included the hits 'Movin' On Up', 'Come Together', 'Higher Than The Sun' and, most notably, the anthemic 'Loaded'. Screamadelica, a massively influential slab of rock-dance crossover which mixed gospel, ambient, funk, psychedelia and hard rock won the first Mercury Prize in 1992. It also found a huge audience across fans of several genres and is, quite possibly, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite CD of the 1990s. Throb provided the vocals for Screamadelica's acid house cover ofThe Thirteenth Floor Elevators''Slip Inside This House'. The group continued producing a series of fine CDs over the next decade including the Rolling Stones-influenced Give Out But Don't Give Up (1994), the Krautrock-style 'anarcho-syndicalist speedfreak road-movie'Vanishing Point (1997) and XTRMNTR (2000) although none ever had quite the same impact or the widespread appeal of Screamadelica. Young left the group in 2006 after the release of Riot City Blues to deal with what Gillespie described at the time as 'problems in his personal life.' His former bandmates paid tribute to Young, calling him 'a beautiful and deeply soulful man.' A statement from Gillespie, guitarist Andrew Innes, keyboard player Martin Duffy and other current members of the group said: 'We have lost our comrade and brother Robert Young. He was an irreplaceable talent, much admired amongst his peers. He was a true rock and roller,' it added. 'He had Heart & Soul tattooed on his arm and I'm sure on his heart too. He once said to me, "When we go on stage it's a war between us and the audience." He never let go of that attitude.' The statement concluded: 'Our love and thoughts are with his sons, Brandon and Miles, and their mother Jane, his wife Rachel, and his immediate family.'

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, mind the Gap Band.

The X Factor easily topped Sunday evening's overnight ratings. Though, several national newspapers - take the Daily Mirra for instance - still managed to run stories about the current series being nothing short of a ratings disaster. Which it isn't, or anything even remotely like it. The ITV singing competition gained back around four hundred thousand viewers from the previous Sunday episode's overnight audience - when it went up against, and got spanked by, Strictly Come Dancing - attracting an average audience of 7.86 million viewers at 8pm. The latest arena auditions peaked at 8.28 million around 8.45pm. Earlier, Sunday Night At The Palladium was watched by 4.26m at 7pm, while The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher gathered a disappointing 2.56m at 9pm. On BBC1, Countryfile appealed to 5.52m at 7pm, followed by Antiques Roadshow with 5.11m at 9pm. The Village concluded with 3.63m at 9pm, while Match Of The Day 2 secured 2.19m at 10.35pm. BBC2's coverage of The Invictus Games Closing Ceremony brought in 1.67m at 8pm. On Channel Four, Secret History was seen by 1.12m at 8pm, followed by the concluding part of their biopic Houdini with seven hundred and thirteen thousand at 9pm. Channel Five's broadcast of the movie The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen had an audience of seven hundred and seventy five thousand at 7pm and was followed by The Rock with nine hundred and ninety nine thousand at 9pm. The Sunday repeat of Doctor Who on BBC3 had an overnight audience of three hundred and fifty four thousand viewers.

The X Factor also dominated Saturday's overnights, averaging 8.43 million from 8pm, down - as the Mirra correctly noted in their rather sneering piece - around two hundred thousand punters on the previous Saturday night episode. Earlier on ITV, The Chase took 4.01m from 7pm, while Through The Keyhole was watched by 3.85m after The X Factor. On BBC1, the Tumble finale aired to but 2.72m. And was every single bit as rotten and unwatchable as the previous five episodes of this unmitigated fiasco had been. Astonishingly however, according to the Radio Times at least, it is 'likely' to be recommissioned for a second series. There is no God, it would seem. The latest Doctor Who episode, Listen, was watched by 4.81m from 7.30pm, a decent enough figure for most dramas in this day and age - see, for example, the audiences attracted by The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher and The Village a day later - although possibly a slight disappointment for Doctor Who, particularly as, in the event, it was such a good episode. Of course, having seen its previous three episodes all pull in additional timeshifts of over two million punters it's likely that Doctor Who's figure will increase to something pushing seven million by the time its consolidated, final figures are released early next week. And, indeed, in just its first day post-transmission, Listen had already timeshifted an hugely impressive 1.32 million video-on-demand viewers taking the total audience up to 6.13m with six more days of timeshifting to follow. Doctor Who was, once again, the second most watched programme of the night, beaten only by The X Factor. The episode had an audience appreciation score of eighty two, the same as three of the previous four episodes in this series. The National Lottery: In It To Win It appealed to 2.89m, the BBC1 coverage of the Last Night Of The Proms had 3.43m from 9.10pm whilst Match of The Day (and, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved, though sadly unsellable, Magpies getting a thorough pants down twanking off Southampton) was watched by 2.9 million. BBC2's own coverage of the Proms attracted 1.22m from 7.30pm. Highlights of The Invictus Games followed with eight hundred and sixty five thousand in the 9pm hour. On Channel Four, a repeat of Peter Kay: Live & Back On Nights! was viewed by 1.15m from 9pm. Channel Five's Most Shocking Reality TV Moments took five hundred and thirteen thousand from 9.20pm. On the multichannels, ITV3's Midsomer Murders had seven hundred and three thousand viewers from 9pm.

Updated to add: By close of play on Tuesday, after three days of video-on-demand timeshafting, the figure for Listen had risen by a further half-a-million punters to 6.68 million.

Here's the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty Three programmes for week-ending Sunday 1 September 2014:-
1 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 9.95m
2 The X Factor - Sat ITV - 9.60m
3 Strictly Come Dancing - Sun BBC1 - 9.16m
4 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.36m
5 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.30m
6 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 7.28m
7 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 6.01m
8 In The Club - Tues BBC1 - 5.84m
9 New Tricks - Mon BBC1 - 5.82m
10 Our Zoo - Wed BBC1 - 5.17m
11 DIY SOS: The Build Build - Thurs BBC1 - 4.97m
12 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 4.74m
13 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 4.71m
14 The Village - Sun BBC1 - 4.66m
15 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.65m
16 England Friendlies: England Versus Norway - Wed ITV - 4.64m
17 Ten O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 4.53m
18 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.42m
19 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.18m
20 Fake Britain - Wed BBC1 - 4.06m
21 Long Lost Family - Mon ITV - 3.88m*
22 Chasing Shadows - Thurs ITV - 3.85m*
23 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 3.84m
ITV programmes marked '*' do not include include HD figures. Normal service is resumed this week as someone at the BBC remembered to provide their figures for BBC1 to BARB this time around. Doctor Who's final figure included a timeshift over the initial 'live' audience of over two million viewers for the third week running. Sunday evening's episode of The X Factor had a final rating of 8.49 million viewers meaning that in its much talked-about head-to-head with Strictly, the BBC1 show won by approximately seven hundred thousand viewers. Round One to the BBC one supposes although, to be fair, the fact that nearly eighteen million viewers were watching one of the two main channels on that Sunday evening is probably cause for celebration for the both of them. BBC2's top rated programme was University Challenge with 2.82m, followed by The Great British Bake-Off: An Extra Slice (2.55m) and the excellent historical drama Castles In The Sky (2.42m). Only Connect's first episode since its 'promotion' from BBC4 to BBC2 attracted 2.23m. Channel Four's highest-rated show was Educating The East End with 2.70m, followed by Grand Designs (2.07m). Channel Five's best performer was CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2.06m), followed by Celebrity Big Brother with 1.95m sad crushed victims of society. On BBC4, the second episode of Crimes Of Passion drew seven hundred and fifty one thousand. Lewis was ITV3's best performer with nine hundred and forty five thousand. Family Guy was BBC3's most watched show with 1.26m. E4's The One Hundred attracted 1.30m.

The launch episode of ITV's Cilla Black biopic Cilla topped Monday's overnight ratings. The Sheridan Smith fronted drama attracted an average audience of 6.11 million viewers at 9pm, the broadcaster’s best-rating new drama since last year's Broadchurch. Earlier, The Undriveables was seen by 2.74m at 8pm. On BBC1, Scotland's Decision special 2.08m at 8.30pm, while a new - and rather good - episode of New Tricks attracted 4.22m at 9pm. BBC2's University Challenge was watched by 2.55m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 1.90m at 8.30pm. Traders: Millions By The Minute had an audience of eight hundred and fourteen thousand viewers at 9pm. On Channel Four, Jamie's Comfort Food appealed to 1.12m at 8pm, while Gadget Man drew 1.10m at 8.30pm. Britain's Benefit Tenants interested 1.16m at 9pm, followed by Jon Richardson Grows Up with seven hundred and thirty four thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Ultimate Police Interceptors brought in eight thirty one thousand. Age Gap Love was watched by seven hundred and fifty thousand at 9pm, while Under The Dome continued with five hundred and ninety eight thousand at 10pm. On BBC3, Oscar Pistorius: The Truth attracted five hundred and ten thousand at 9pm. E4's new series Glue launched with four hundred and eighty two thousand at 10pm. Earlier, The One Hundred continued with six hundred and eighty one thousand at 9pm.

ITV's - wretched, as always - Champions League coverage appealed to 3.6 million viewers on Tuesday night, according to overnight figures. Live coverage of the game between Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Bulgarian champions Ludogorets Razgrad - which ended in a 2-1 victory for the red white and blues thanks to an injury-time penalty - drew 3.68m from 7.30pm, peaking towards the end of the match with 4.63m. On BBC1, Scotland Decides managed 2.13m in the 9pm hour. Earlier, The ONE Show was watched by 3.91m, the latest EastEnders by 6.42m and Holby City by 4.12m. BBC2's Celebrity Antiques Road Trip took 1.43m from 7pm, before The One Hundred Thousand Pound House: Tricks Of The Trade and The Motorway: Life In The Fast Lane attracted 1.89m and an impressive 2.42m respectively. Channel Four's Posh Pawn was watched by 1.22m from 8pm, but Don't Stop The Music had a very poor three hundred and seventy nine thousand viewers at 8pm. On Channel Five, Cowboy Builders averaged eight hundred and seventy four thousand in the 8pm hour. Afterwards, CSI attracted 1.28m and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit six hundred and forty thousand. The multichannels saw the opening episode of Sky Atlantic's The Leftovers premiere to a slightly-above-slot-average two hundred and twenty two thousand from 9pm. On ITV3, Midsomer Murders drew a fraction under one million punters (nine hundred and ninety one thousand) whilst BBC4's showing of the movie Billy Elliot had an audience of six hundred and fifty thousand.

ITV has reportedly scrapped a highly-anticipated interactive entertainment format called Rising Star ahead of its launch. The broadcaster has pulled the plug on the UK version of the Israeli talent contest, which was due to be produced by ITV Studios and format owner Keshet International. The show, in which singers compete in real-time as viewers vote via an interactive app, was due to launch in early 2015. ITV is understood to have 'had concerns' about the poor ratings posted by some of Rising Star's international versions, rather than any issues around the technology working correctly. The decision to pull the show is reported to have occurred on Tuesday and ITV has informed production staff working on the show on Wednesday morning that they're, you know, no longer working on it.

The BBC if you will mockumentary W1A will be back for a second series next year, with Hugh Bonneville returning as Ian Fletcher. The series, which is a follow-up to Olympics comedy Twenty Twelve, will see the corporation's Head of Values Ian struggling with the issue of the BBC's charter renewal, some middle-class hippy Communist smear of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Starreports. The second series of W1A will be produced in-house and premiere with a sixty-minute episode, followed by three thirty-minute episodes. John Morton returns as writer. No further casting details or storylines have been announced, although Jessica Hynes and Olivia Colman may briefly reprise their Twenty Twelve roles, as they did in the first series of W1A. A BBC statement read: 'Until the cameras roll, it won't be known exactly what crisis will be averted or indeed where Ian's desk will be. With charter renewal in 2016 getting ever closer, Ian's job as Chair of the Way Ahead Task Force will be even more important than ever.' The first series of W1A, which featured cameos from Clare Balding and Alan Yentob, attracted an average of 1.6 million viewers to BBC2 for its opening episode.

And so to the latest Top Telly Tips:-

Saturday 20 September
'The greatest bank in the galaxy. Our reputation must remain. secure. The Director will blame us. We'll be fired. Fired with pain.' The Doctor has never shied away from a challenge; in fact, he's more likely than most to face them head-on. So when he's offered the chance to have a go at breaking into the most dangerous bank in the cosmos, he grabs it with both hands in Time-Heist, the latest episode of Doctor Who - 7:30 BBC1. After all, such opportunities as that don't come every day, even for millennia-old adventurers, like he. The Doctor won't be alone during the task, of course - lending a hand will be a beautiful shape-shifter, a cyber-augmented gamer and trusty companion Clara. And they will need to have all their wits about them if they're to overcome the bank's deadly security as well as the fearsome Teller - a powerful creature that can detect guilt. Keeley Hawes is the other main draw, playing Ms Delphox, head of security at the Bank of Karabraxos and a sort of cross between Theresa May and Miss Whiplash. She is reunited with her Line Of Duty director Douglas Mackinnon who did such a great job with last week's Listen. However, don't expect anything like the same sort of dramatic tension from what is, basically The Italian Job in space. Time-Heist (co-written by Sherlock's Steve Thompson and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat) sees The Doctor and Clara forced to raid 'the most dangerous bank in the galaxy'. With hilarious consequences. Watch out for a blink-and-you'll-miss him cameo of cult Doctor Who comic character Abslom Daak.

Puck and Einar arrive at the country estate of Rodbergshyttan for Gabriella and Christer's engagement party, but the rose-scented idyll turns into a stifling backdrop when Gabriella's grandfather is found poisoned in his bed in the latest Crimes Of Passion - 9:00 BBC4. What the hell is it with those two? Murder seems to follow them around like ... well, like it follows Jessica Fletcher. Anyway, it soon transpires that the relationships between the people living on the estate are anything but uncomplicated, with sexual frustration lurking behind every well-polished marriage. Handsome detective Christer Wijk is engaged, though that doesn't stop him casting covetous glances at a blowsy, well-upholstered blonde who's clearly signalled her interest. All this is going on at a beautiful Swedish country house as Wijk and his fiancée gather their friends for a celebration. So the party is interrupted when a skeleton is dug up in the garden, which triggers a series of shocks and yet more deaths. Obviously. Swedish crime drama, starring Tuva Novotny, Linus Wahlgren and Ola Rapace.

The passengers of a plane are found to be suffering an illness, and by the time it lands in New York, almost all are dead. A scientist investigating the outbreak discovers something unexpected about the victims in The Strain - 10:00 Watch. Despite its association with Pan's Labyrinth director Guillermo Del Toro, this US SF horror series gets off to a rather shaky start when a plane full of one-dimensional characters is hijacked by an amorphous bloodsucking blob. Well, it's happened to all of us, hasn't it? Things pick up when Corey Stoll (House Of Cards's Peter Russo) enters. He's a cut above the rest of the cast as epidemiologist Doctor Goodweather, who has been called in to study the quarantined aircraft. The intrigue level is further raised by the introduction of a shady billionaire and a mysterious elderly pawn shop owner, both of whom seem to have encountered the blobby entity before. It's Salem's Lot meets Alien meets Gremlins. Not quite as good as any of them, but still grisly gothic fun.

When the body of salesman Chris Dearden is found in a disused tunnel, investigations by Peter Boyd's Cold Case Unit reveal he had been reported missing by his wife Lucy in 1996 in another classic - and very weird - feature length Waking The Dead - 9:00 Drama. The ritualistic nature of the murder leads the team to suspect a group of middle-aged men who had been on a self-empowerment weekend. However, the victim's son refuses to believe the body is his father's. Deardon was supposed to have left on a business trip to Nigeria but his passport was subsequently found at his home. His wife was having an affair with Frank Monk, who is still with Lucy today. The dead man's son Jimmy, now nineteen, has a very difficult time accepting that his father is dead. He tells Boyd that his father was a member of a secret group called The Awkward Squad which turns out to be something else altogether. Meanwhile, the three men who were with Deardon when he died are now receiving letters reminding them of what happened.

Sunday 21 September
Lacey Turner returns in this five-part follow-up to last year's one-off drama Our Girl - 9:00 BBC1 - about an aimless young woman who finds a direction in life after joining the Army. Six months on from completing her initial training, Molly Dawes is deployed to Afghanistan as part of the Royal Army Medical Corps. She is thrilled to be joining the platoon for one of the last missions before the British Army withdraws from the country, but makes a bad first impression on the captain - and things only get worse when one of her fellow soldiers turns out to be a face from her past that she would rather forget (played by Game Of Thrones and Misfits star Iwan Rheon). The cast also includes Ben Aldridge, Arinze Kene and Ade Oyefeso, with Kerry Godliman and Sean Gallagher returning as Molly's parents. The pilot episode of Tony Grounds's drama - rightly - got a very positive reaction because audiences seem to enjoy watching feisty female characters in an all-male environment.

In America, thousands of prisoners are locked up in solitary confinement for years, even decades. Mind you, if they hadn't done anything wrong in the first place then they wouldn't be in jail and the whole situation could, conceivably, be avoided for the betterment of everyone concerned. Worth thinking about, I'd suggest. Anyway, in the This World documentary Life In Solitary - 9:00 BBc2 - director Dan Edge follows the new warden of Maine State Prison over the course of six months as he tries to reform the system and release some of the most dangerous inmates back into the general population. He faces not only resistance from his staff, but also has to tackle a culture that has always emphasised punishment over rehabilitation.

There are those who have eagerly awaited the fifth series of Lord Snooty's period drama Downton Abbey which begins tonight - 9:00 ITV. Not this blogger, you understand. I've never really bothered with it. Too up its own arse, frankly. Anyway, it's 1924 and there's a Labour government in power, which is, of course, terribly upsetting for upper class snobs like Lord Grantham and working class arse-lick Tories like Carson the butler. 'Times are changing,' grumbles the trusty factotum (Jim Carter) as the horrors of Ramsey McDonald's brand of Socialism open up before him like a ... thing. He feels 'a shaking of the ground.' Blimey, have they started fracking mining on the Downton estate already? As we return to the drama, though, things haven't changed much. Lady Edith is still moping about like a slap in the mush with a wet haddock, wondering what's happened to that chap she was seeing. Is he still in Germany? Branson is still leaving slimy trails as he inveigles his way more deeply into the fabric of the house and Lady Mary is still trying to make up her mind whom she loves. A crushing disappointment, though, is the absence of pigs. 'How are the pigs doing?' a character asks at one point, but we don’t hear so much as an oink. Tragedy.

Arty Andrew Graham-Dixon's assessment of three artists' responses to the First World War continues as he focuses on the work of Walter Sickert, the actor and painter who was regarded as too old to fight in British Art At War: Bomberg, Sickert And Nash - 9:00 BBC4. Instead, Sickert created edgy, compelling and subtle pictures of those who had also been left behind and were attempting to get on with their lives, despite the conflict and distress around them. In the previous episode of his persuasive look at artists affected by the First World War, Arty Andrew explored how the traumatic experience of trench warfare coloured the work of Paul Nash. Sickert, the subject of this film, was too old to serve, but still used the conflict as inspiration. Andrew portrays Sickert as the virry Godfather himself of modern British art. Deeply influenced by Degas, but not impressed by the post-impressionists, throughout his work he cast an unflinching but compelling eye on the less glamorous aspects of modern life, and those left behind in the chaos of war were a key inspiration.

Oswald Cooper is the prime suspect in the rape of a teenage girl, but presents an alibi supported by three pillars of the community in the memorable Lewis episode The Great And The Good - 6:55 ITV3. When Cooper is murdered, Lewis discovers a web of deceit going back 20 years, in which the dead man was used by the trio to cover up a sordid series of secrets - but the case soon takes on a personal dimension for the inspector. Kwame Kwei-Armah, Sean McGinley, Richard McCabe and Daniela Nardini guest star, with Kevin Whately, Laurence Fox, Rebecca front and Clare Holman.

Monday 22 September
Nicholas Lyndhurst, as Danny, continues in his own quiet way to make that old warhorse of a drama New Trick his own - 9:00 BBC1 - in an episode that's much more affecting than New Tricks has any right to be. The discovery of a Roman sword with traces of blood on it is linked to an unidentified, headless corpse found near Heathrow in March 2008. It leads the UCoS team members to a lock-up belonging to a bodybuilder called Mark Rix, who died of a suspected heart attack the same year, so they start looking for connections between the original murder and Rix's death. They are helped in their investigation by anthropologist Fiona Kennedy, for whom Danny begins to develop feelings - just as he is told his wife might be discharged from the secure hospital where she has spent the past several years. Tracy-Ann Obermann and Life On Mars's Liz White guest star.

Derren Brown: Infamous - 9:00 Channel Four - sees the BAFTA-winning illusionist's sell-out stage show recorded at the Grand Theatre in Leeds during his Olivier-nominated tour. The evening features an inventive mix of traditional magic, mind-reading, memory games and thought-provoking entertainment that leaves his audience enthralled and enlightened in equal measure.

The Qi Elves, the chaps and lady chaps who come up with those fiendish questions for yer actual Stephen Fry, emerge from their cave to field a team against the Bibliophiles in the latest Only Connect - 8:30 BBC2. 'Do you know everything about everything?' wonders Victoria Coren Mitchell of the Elves. The answer is an very emphatic no. She also brings a blush to the cheek of a Bibliophile by remarking upon his supposed resemblance to yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch. The players must make connections between four things that may at first not appear to be linked, with one set of clues consisting of Ford Prefect, David Brent, Sherlock Holmes and Gandalf. I'm thinking it's either something to do with resurrection or really bad dancing.

Reunited with Bobby, Cilla's confidence returns and she once again dazzles crowds with her vocal talents in the second episode of Cilla - 9:00 ITV. The re-emergence of Brian Epstein then propels her career to greater heights, but this is quickly followed by a new low when her first record fails to set the charts alight, despite being written by Paul McCartney and the alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie. Epstein and George Martin suggests a change of direction, persuading the singer to take a gamble on the Burt Bacharach ballad 'Anyone Who Had a Heart', against her future husband's advice. Continuing Jeff Pope's three-part biopic charting Cilla Black's rise to fame in 1960s Liverpool, starring Sheridan Smith, with Aneurin Barnard and Ed Stoppard.

There are more than ten million cats in the UK, which is great news for lovers of the humble moggy - like this blogger, fr instance - but not so great for those who simply can't stand them. As Cat Wars - 10:40 BBC1 - proves, some will go to great lengths to keep those pussies away. They include a Somerset retiree, who has called in an expert to rid his vegetable patch of fouling felines, and a retirement community near Birmingham, which is over-run with feral cats. However, it seems only half the residents want to evict the furry freeloaders - the others have become quite attached to their visitors. Which sums up the general feeling about the animals - for every hater, there's a lover, like Silvana and her fifty pet cats, or Helen, who likes nothing more than to take her moggies for a stroll round the block in a baby buggy. This documentary examines the varied relationship between humans and cats.

Tuesday 23 September
In the opening episode of The Driver - 9:00 BBC1 - the audience know that Manchester minicab driver Vince McKee (David Morrissey) is in trouble when his mate describes their new mutual friend: 'He's a businessman. That's how you've got to think of it.' Since this man goes by the name of 'The Horse' and that he's played by the always rather shady Colm Meaney, we get the feeling he's a businessman only in the broadest sense. Vince's problem is, he's in a rut: bored, stressed, poor and out of love with his wife, Rosalind (Claudie Blakely). How he starts to contemplate an escape route to something better (or worse) is the story of this first episode of three, and it's full of an excellent sense of dread that a decent man is, all too easily, making choices which will lead him to the dark side. And worse. The terrific Ian Hart plays Vince's old friend Col, just out of pokey, who opens up the avenue which tempts Vince. Although initially thrilled at becoming a driver for The Horse, once the criminals arrange their major job Vince soon wishes he could have his old life back. Written by BAFTA-winning Danny Brocklehurst and Jim Poyser, it also stars Shaun Dingwall and Sacha Parkinson.

Timeshift: Hurricanes And Heatwaves, The Highs And Lows Of British Weather - 9:00 BBC4 - is a documentary focusing on the evolution of the weather forecast, from print via radio to TV and beyond, featuring an insight into how the Met Office and the BBC have always used the latest technology to bring the holy grail of accurate forecasting that much closer. Yet, as hand-drawn maps have been replaced by weather apps, the bigger drama of global warming has been playing itself out, as if to prove that people were right all along to obsess about the weather. The first TV weather forecast was in 1936 when a creepy-looking disembodied hand drew isobars on a map, with a human being finally appearing in 1954. His name was George Cowling, a Met Office scientist who got into trouble for 'being flippant' when he told viewers that tomorrow would be 'a good day to hang out the washing.' Gosh. The very thought. Striking a balance between being a scientist and a TV presenter is a tough gig, as BBC Breakfast's Carol Kirkwood has discovered – some viewers (or, you know, arseholes as their more correctly known) apparently complain that she smiles too much.

DB Russell and the team investigate when a woman is found dead in the back of a twenty four-seat stretch limousine that had been hired for a band after a rock gig in the latest CSI - 9:00 Channel Five. Robbins finds a signature scrawled in marker pen on the corpse which leads to Gene Simmons of the veteran rock group Kiss, with the bassist claiming the victim was paid to act as a groupie for an amateur band who signed up for an experience in which they got to act like rock stars for a night. Crime drama, starring Ted Danson.
Kevin decides to visit a therapist following a series of disturbing encounters, and also talks to his former police chief father, currently being held in a mental health facility, about what triggered his breakdown in the second episode of The Leftovers - 9:00 Sky Atlantic. Meg is struggling to adapt to life at the headquarters of the Guilty Remnant, while Jill and Aimee dig deeper into the background of local celebrity Nora Durst, who lost her entire family in The Departure. Elsewhere, Holy Wayne's ranch is raided by agents leaving Tom and Christine in a precarious situation. Justin Theroux, Liv Tyler, Christopher Eccleston, Margaret Qualley and Emily Meade star.

Wednesday 24 September
The idea of 'lions led by donkeys' has come to underpin our image about the First World War – a bunch of bone-headed generals sending waves of brave Tommies over the top and a whole generation lying butchered and damned as a result. But there's a catch. The phrase was attributed by the then-historian (and, later Tory cabinet minister) Alan Clark in his book The Donkeys to a German general, said to have been describing the British Army. Except, as the presenter of Long Shadows - 8:00 BBC2 - Professor David Reynolds points out, Clark later admitted that he had made it up. In this insightful three-part documentary, historian and writer Reynolds takes a look at the legacy of the First World War, focusing in particular on the ways in which people's perception of the conflict has evolved over the past century. He begins by comparing the British and German sense of what it signified to each nation at the time immediately following its conclusion, including how the British felt it was, in another infamous phrase (this one definitely attributed, to HG Wells as it happens) 'the war to end all wars'. However, Reynolds argues that the eventual outbreak of the Second World War altered perceptions of its predecessor once again - suddenly it seemed as though the costly conflict was ineffective, and simply paved the way for a second round of hostilities.

The nation's favourite baking contest The Great British Bake Off - 8:00 BBC1 - has certainly proved it can hold its own after moving to the main BBC channel. This series has been the most entertaining (not to mention contentious) so far. It's about to get a whole lot hotter in the kitchen, though, as it reaches the quarter-final stage, and just five amateur bakers remain. They've all impressed to various extents during Bread Week - at least sufficiently to make it through - but now their skills are thoroughly tested as they take on enriched doughs. They have a signature bake in which they must work with soft dough to create artful works, a technical that sees them recreate an Eastern European cross between bread and pastry, and a showstopper involving doughnuts.

Rachel promised the chaos of her personal life was all in the past, but she is conflicted upon discovering her mother's new boyfriend is a violent domestic abuser in Scott & Bailey - 9:00 ITV. Meanwhile, Janet gets cold feet when she goes on her first date, terrified at the idea of having to impress a stranger. The duo are united in the search for the killer of Rich Hutchings, who is found murdered in the flat he shares with his husband Adam. Barry, their outspoken and violent homophobic neighbour, is the prime suspect. However, as Adam's friend Tim struggles to recall the events of their night out, it seems Barry may be in the clear. Meanwhile, Rachel is horrified when her mum Sharon turns up asking for help. Crime drama, starring Suranne Jones, Lesley Sharp, Amelia Bullmore and Danny Miller.

The second episode of Oh! You Pretty Things: The Story Of Music And Fashion - 9:00 BBC4 - focuses on the 1970s, which was a time of political, social and cultural upheaval in Britain, reflected best in the music and fashion throughout the decade. On Top Of The Pops, Suzi Quatro unleashed her leather jumpsuit into viewers' living rooms as 'the rock chick look' was born, while the terminally dreadful wank that was prog rock saw its golden-caped leader Rick Wakeman gaining an army of intellectual followers. Get yer hair cut, hippies. And, as Queen ponced about like a bunch of turgid, tuneless dinosaurs, in Zandra Rhodes-designed costumes, the international phenomena of punk began - and some say ended - with The Sex Pistols. An admirably straight-faced Rik celebrates the gumption of his mythical-knights-on-ice extravaganzas, despite the fact that 'everyone thought I was barking.' Well, indeed. And Pistols bassist Glen Matlock seems slightly defensive in a smart suit. 'Do you expect me to be walking about in bondage trousers at the age of fifty seven, cos it ain't gonna happen.' Narrated by Wor Luscious Lauren Laverne.
Thursday 25 September
Peter Powell presents an edition of Top Of The Pops - 7:30 BBC4 - first broadcast on 6 September 1979. Comprising performances by Randy VanWarmer, Madness, Boney M, The Ruts, The Crusaders, The Electric Light Orchestra, Bill Lovelady, Roxy Music and yer actual Cliff Richard. Plus, dance sequences from Legs & Co.

Toby Jones takes the lead role in Marvellous - 9:00 BBc2 - a feature-length fact-based drama from writer Peter Bowker (Blackpool, Eric & Ernie), inspired by the life of Neil Baldwin. Although he was diagnosed as having learning difficulties, Neil has constantly confounded people's expectations during a colourful career that has seen him work as a circus clown and a kit man for Stoke City, and recently led to him being awarded an honorary degree by Keele University in recognition of his contributions to campus life. Just as Neil doesn't like to be labelled, the drama also mixes biopic, musical and fantasy elements to tell this unique story. Gemma Jones, Tony Curran and Nicholas Gleaves also star, while yer actual Gary Lineker appears as himself.

Chasing Shadows ends tonight - 9:00 ITV - but not until the audience gets to find out the truth about Leonard Vance. The only thing Sean loves more than finding a pattern linking several people is discovering someone who doesn't fit it, so he's thrilled when he realises that missing lawyer and single father Stephen Eli is one such case. He believes Eli is a victim of imprisoned serial killer Vance, who eventually confesses to the crime. But when Vance can't guide police to Eli's body, Sean begins to wonder if he's made a mistake, and that somebody else is responsible for not only Eli's death, but also the other murders supposedly committed by Vance. With Reece Shearsmith, Alex Kingston, Noel Clarke and Don Warrington. Ratings so far haven't been all that impressive so whether we'll get a second series of this, the jury is still out.

A thousand years ago, the Khmer people of Cambodia built an empire and their capital was the great city of Angkor, with its centrepiece being Angkor Wat - a vast temple complex covering an area more than four times the size of the Vatican City. In the first of a two-part programme Jungle Atlantis - 8:00 BBC2 - an international team of archaeologists and scientists use revolutionary technology to reveal the true scale and extent of the lost metropolis and find out how its people lived and died.

Friday 26 September
Rob Brydon hosts the comedy panel show Would I Lie To You - 8:30 BBC1 - in which two teams headed by David Mitchell and Lee Mack try to hoodwink each other with absurd facts and plausible lies about themselves. Bake Off presenter Mel Giedroyc and comedian Bob Mortimer - both semi-regulars on the show - Citizen Khan star Adil Ray and former Westlife singer Kian Egan are this week's guests, whose stories include licking David Bowie's cake and being ordered to leave town by the police.
The pro-celebrity dance contest Strictly Come Dancing returns - 9:00 BBC1 - as yer actual Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman her very self host the first of this weekend's two live shows in which six of the fifteen couples will be tripping the light fantastic. or, tripping over their own feet, one or the other. The alleged 'celebrities' taking to the floor over the two evenings are Pixie Lott, Jake Wood, Frankie Bridge, Gregg Wallace, Caroline Flack, Simon Webbe, Alison Hammond, Steve Backshall, Sunetra Sarker, Mark Wright, Jennifer Gibney, Scott Mills, Judy Murray, Thom Evans and Tim Wonnacott. Yes, that bunch are far more 'z-list' than usual. Despite being watched by the ever-critical Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli, Craig Revel Horwood and Darcey Bussell, the dancers can breathe easy as there will be no public vote or elimination this week - although the judges' scores will be carried over to next weekend. Continues tomorrow.

A recovered Jamal takes the helm once more, planning retaliation for the assassination attempt in Tyrant - 9:00 FOX. Barry realises that there is evil in his brother, and he must take action to stop him - even at the expense of involving his own family. Political drama set in the Middle East, starring Adam Rayner and Ashraf Borham.
The foreign-affairs strand Unreported World - 7:30 Channel Four - returns with a documentary about the West African Ebola outbreak devastating Sierra Leone. Spending two weeks in field hospitals and quarantine units during a critical phase in the summer, reporter Shaunagh Connaire and director Wael Dabbous provide an insight into what life is like for the families affected and the health workers battling the virus.

To the news: Industry magazine Broadcast has reported that the BBC's pregnancy drama In The Club has been recommissioned for a second series. The Kay Mellor-written six-part series drew broadly respectable ratings during its run which ended earlier this months.

According to a somewhat typical shit-stirring, trouble-making piece in the Daily Torygraph the BBC 'raised eyebrows' by broadcasting an episode of Dad's Army which portrayed Private Frazer taking over the Warmington-on-Sea platoon 'with disastrous results.' With its political editor Nick Robinson already 'under fire' from some of the more mental end of the Scottish nationalists for being, allegedly, biased against them, it is perhaps all the BBC needs. Captain Mainwaring and his trusty platoon stand accused of siding with their enemies, too. 'A total of eighty episodes of Dad's Army were made by the corporation – and which one does it choose to show on the Saturday ahead of the vote?' a (nameless, of course) 'Yes' campaigner has, allegedly, complained, claims the Torygraph. Where, exactly, this complaint was made, they fail to add. 'The one in which Frazer – played by John Laurie – tells Mainwaring that he can run the platoon better than him, is put in charge and then makes a total mess of things. Thank you very much, Auntie Beeb,' the nameless whinger allegedly adds. Is this arsehole on drugs or what? That's if he or she exists, of course. A BBC spokesman insisted that episodes of Dad's Army are always shown in a specific order - that in which they were originally broadcast in the 1970s, basically - although occasionally one may be picked out to mark a special occasion, such as Christmas. He spokesman, who one sensed, was thoroughly pissed off to having to be answering such a load of nonsense, adamantly denied there was ever any political intent in scheduling If The Cap Fits (first shown in June 1972, incidentally) ahead of the vote which takes place on Thursday. As should be obvious anybody with half-a-bloody-brain in their skulls. Jesus what is it about this issue that seems to have brought out the prat in pretty much everyone involved? Have they all taken The Stupid Pill this week, or what?

Despite having plenty of Scottish ancestry on both sides of the Telly Topping family - two of my great grandmothers were Ally Agnew from The Gorbels and Maggie McMillan from Dumbarton, dear blog reader, true story - this blogger has kept, and will continue to keep, well out of the Scottish Referendum debate, principally because it's not my fight. It's an issue for the Scottish people themselves to decide. Nevertheless, it's hard not to be rather moved - and, sadly, somewhat disappointed - by this piece from the ITV political editor Tom Bradby about what a genuinely unpleasant campaign it's become to report on for members of the media from both sides of the independence argument. 'It is our job to test logic, analyse proposals, probe for intellectual weakness and to ask questions on behalf of our audience,' notes Bradby. 'We will continue to do that. The emotion is a matter for them. But those in Scotland who are quick to abuse and see bias around every corner might want to think about the face they are showing the world. And the march on the BBC, complete with strangely well-prepared banners with Nick Robinson’s face on them was frankly rather sinister.'

David Morrissey has claimed 'people from poorer backgrounds' (ie. 'normal people') are being excluded from entering the acting profession due to a lack of funding. When yer actual Keith Telly Topping saw the headline Morrissey Moans About Something he was expecting something completely different. Mozza his very self said in an interview with the Radio Times there is an 'intern culture' of richer hopefuls being 'subsidised by their parents.' And, this is new, how, exactly? He said: 'It worries me that in the arts, a very rich community, we're not offering more support.' The fifty-year-old Liverpudlian added that he was given a grant for drama school. Morrissey, whose screen credits include Blackpool, State Of Play and the US post-apocalypse zombie series The Walking Dead, said that he was able to work while he was at the city's Everyman Theatre. 'There's an economic exclusion of working class people happening now. I got lucky, but if I was starting out now, it would be a lot harder, because my parents could never have supported me through that "Is it going to happen?" period. Television is doing very well for itself, but the trickle down effect isn't working,' he added. Earlier this week, Dame Judi Dench echoed Morrissey's whinging, saying that she receives letters from aspiring actors asking for help to put them through drama school. She didn't say whether she actually did get her hand in her pocket, of course. 'Anyone who's in the theatre gets letters countless times a week asking for help to get through drama school. You can do so much, but you can't do an endless thing. It is very expensive,' she told the Observer. The Oscar winner said that repertory theatres should be reinstated around the UK and suggested their demise was making the acting profession 'more elitist.' Julie Walters has also taken a swipe at alleged 'elitism' in the business, saying: 'The way things are now, there aren't going to be any working class actors. I look at almost all the up-and-coming names and they're from the posh schools.' Actors from more privileged backgrounds who were educated at public school have hit back at such rather ignorant and sneering criticism. Sherlock star Benedict Cumberbatch said: 'It's just so predictable, so domestic, and so dumb. It makes me think I want to go to America.' Freddie Fox added: 'I do want people to think of me as an actor, not just a posh actor who does posh parts.'
Actor Steve McFadden has accepted 'substantial damages' from the publishers of the defunct Scum of the World newspaper and the Metropolitan Police, a judge has been told. A police officer sold information about McFadden, who plays Phil Mitchell in the BBC soap EastEnders, to a reporter in 2010, Mr Justice Mann heard. Two other celebrities also accepted damages from News Group Newspapers. They were Dragons' Den businesswoman Kelly Hoppen and model Keeley Hazell. Both women had complained that messages on their phones were either intercepted or targeted, lawyers said. Hoppen, an interior designer who was the stepmother of actress Sienna Miller, sued the publishers after evidence emerged that her voicemail messages had been intercepted. Hazell, who has in recent years combined her modelling with a career as a movie actress, argued in court that her messages were 'targeted.' Tamsin Allen, who was representing McFadden, said that the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World journalist Dan Evans admitted attempting to intercept the actor's voicemail messages. Outside court McFadden said: 'For years, false and private information about me has appeared in the press. Although I am pleased to finally understand how some of this information came to be published, I am particularly concerned that a police officer sold my privacy to a tabloid newspaper for profit. I consider the payment of damages and public apology will go some way to ensuring respect for my and others' privacy in future. I am glad to have been vindicated and to be able to put this matter behind me.' Further hearings relating to other people who have taken legal action are expected to take place later in the year.

A Virgin Media advertising campaign featuring yer actual Usain Bolt has been banned after complaints from rivals BT and Sky. It is the second Virgin Media campaign featuring Bolt to be banned, after the Advertising Standards Authority ruled in July 2012 that the cable firm could 'not deliver' on a promise relating to superfast broadband. This year's campaign, which ran across TV, press and on the Virgin Media website, featured Bolt dressed up as different members of a family, including a grandfather, baby and mother, who says that her favourite athlete is Mo Farah. The first complaint was made by BT, which whinged to the ASA about the claim 'you'll be able to download five times faster than BT's regular broadband.' BT argued that the web page referred to in the Virgin Media advert 'did not provide sufficient information' to verify the alleged comparison. The second complaint was made by BT and Sky - about the only time you'll ever see those two working together on something - arguing that Virgin Media's claim about its speed was 'misleading', as it implied that all customers would always be able to 'download five times faster' than its rivals' broadband customers. They argued that this was not the case, as the claim was based on 'average speeds.' In its defence against the first complaint, Virgin Media said that the web page referred to in the adverts relied on 'up-to-date data', which included information on the average speeds of its service at peak time and over twenty four hours. The website also provided Ofcom with data on broadband speeds of its competitors. Defending itself against the second complaint, Virgin Media argued that the claim 'download five times faster than Sky and BT's regular broadband' would not be understood to be 'an absolute figure', as the small print in the advert made clear the circumstances in which consumers would be able to download five times faster. Virgin Media said the claim was made 'on peak-time speeds' of its superfast up to fifty megabyte and up to one hundred megabyte services, which were more than five times faster than its rivals. The ASA ruled against Virgin Media over both complaints. Regarding the first complaint, the ASA said that Virgin Media 'did not provide enough information' on its website about its speeds, adding that it should have provided consumers with details of its methodology. The ASA concluded 'the information provided was not sufficient to ensure the details of the comparison could be verified.' In the second case, the ASA ruled that the claim 'download five times faster than Sky and BT's regular broadband'was misleading, as it was not in 'conditional language' and implied that Virgin's superfast broadband service was always five times faster than its rivals, which was not the case. It said the advert should have made it clear that the claim was based on an average, and not an absolute figure. The ASA banned the advert from appearing again in its current form.
Jurors in the trial of Dave Lee Travis have been urged to look at 'the unlikelihood of coincidence' when considering their verdicts against him. Travis denies two counts of indecent assault and one of sexual assault. In her closing speech at Southwark Crown Court, prosecutor Miranda Moore said that being 'charming and cuddly' - as Travis has described himself - was no defence for Travis who is being tried under his real name David Griffin. She insisted that his accusers were telling the truth with no exaggerations. 'It's like, of all the Radio 1 DJs in all the world, why did they all have to pick on him?' She said that his accusers were 'not motivated' by financial reward, fame or fortune. 'Just simply telling it as it is, no exaggeration, no embellishment; they honestly feel it should be dealt with now, even if they couldn't bring themselves to have it dealt with then,' she added. Travis, from Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire, faces a retrial on two counts - indecent assault of a woman between November 1990 and January 1991 and sexual assault on a different woman between June and November 2008. A jury was unable to reach verdicts on the charges at a trial earlier this year. Travis denies an additional count of indecent assault alleged to have taken place in January 1995. The charges against him relate to three women and the court has heard allegations relating to two others. Moore said if the defence in the case had been that 'things were different then', the court would then be looking at 'the rights and wrongs of that culture. Allegations of unwanted sexual behaviour are now treated very differently,' she said. 'You're not being asked to consider whether this defendant thought it was all right, because he's made his defence very clear to you - these women, they've made lying allegations against him, "I did not intentionally put my hands on any of them, they are lying." And that's the area that we are working in, black and white, there's no grey.' Moore added: 'This man can be charming and cuddly and huggy and friendly and compassionate. That's not a defence. Can he also feel he has the right to put his hands on women when they don't want it, that's the question you have to decide.' The defendant, the self-styled 'Hair Cornflake', was a DJ on the BBC's Radio 1 for twenty years until 1993 - when he resigned, on-air, in a geet stroppy huff about some nonsense or other - and was a regular host of Top Of The Pops. Earlier in the trial, a Top Of The Pops dancer told the court that she 'felt safe' with Travis. Dee Dee Wilde, a member of Pan's People, had described Travis as 'a loveable big bear of a man.' The hearing was adjourned until Wednesday, when the closing speech for the defence is to be made.

London Live's request to alter the timing of local TV output has been denied by Ofcom. The channel, which launched in March, recently applied to reduce its local content commitments during peak times. After a public consultation period, Ofcom has rejected the application, arguing that the proposals would 'substantially alter' the channel's character. 'Ofcom decided that London Live's application to change its programming would have substantially altered the character of the channel – making it much less local,' said an Ofcom spokesperson, following on from a report issued on Tuesday. 'The requested changes to the licence were not approved, as they didn't meet three of the four statutory criteria needed for Ofcom to give its consent.' London Live COO Tim Kirkman said: 'I am disappointed by this outcome as I believe the changes would have allowed us to produce an even better product for Londoners. We had no plans to reduce the volume of fresh local content or news and current affairs, just the times we broadcast it. Not being allowed these changes is not critical, but will continue to challenge us. However, the business is continuing to deliver, with nine consecutive weeks of audience growth, and we are now reaching over ten per cent of Londoners every week, with last week our second-best week so far – only very marginally behind our launch week.' London Live is backed by Evgeny Lebedev and his father Alexander, and broadcasts from the Evening Standard's headquarters in Kensington.

The US space agency NASA has picked the companies it hopes can take the country's astronauts back into space. It is giving up to $6.2bn to the Boeing and SpaceX firms, to help them finish the development of new crew capsules. Since the space shuttles were retired in 2011, the Americans have relied on Russia and its Soyuz vehicles to get to the International Space Station. Boeing and SpaceX should have their seven-person crew ships ready to take over the role by late 2017. Disagreements over Moscow's actions in Ukraine have made the current Soyuz arrangement increasingly unpalatable for Washington. So has the price-per-flight now being charged - at seventy million dollars per astronaut seat. American officials regard this as excessive. The Obama administration charged NASA in 2010 with the job of 'seeding' indigenous, competing companies to restore American capability.

King Richard III was probably killed by two blows to the head during 'a sustained attack', according to new scientific research. The English king was killed at the Battle of Bosworth on 22 August, 1485. Forensic teams at the University of Leicester have now revealed he suffered at least eleven injuries, some possibly inflicted after death. CT scans were used on his five hundred-year-old skeleton to help determine his injuries and the medieval weapons used. His remains were found under a car park in Leicester in 2012. The results of forensic analysis, published in The Lancet, show he had nine wounds to the skull and two to the postcranial skeleton. Researchers said that three of these 'had the potential to cause death quickly'. Sarah Hainsworth, study author and professor of materials engineering, said: 'Richard's injuries represent a sustained attack or an attack by several assailants with weapons from the later medieval period. Wounds to the skull suggest he was not wearing a helmet, and the absence of defensive wounds on his arms and hands indicate he was still armoured at the time of his death.'

Some very sad news, now. The original Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced chef off Crossroads - no, not the one who's in charge of The X Factor - the character actor Angus Lennie has died, aged eighty four. A star of a number of film and television series, Angus will perhaps be best remembered by the public for his role as Scottish prisoner of war Archie Ives in the 1963 blockbuster movie The Great Escape. However, for Doctor Who fans he'll be remembered for his two appearances in the show. In 1968 he played the scavenger Storr as part of a double-act alongside Peter Sallis as Penley, meeting an untimely end as he misjudged the eponymous antagonists of the Patrick Troughton story The Ice Warriors. He returned to the BBC's popular long-running fmaily SF drama in 1975, portraying the indominatable, bagpipe playing Angus, keeper of The Fox Inn where UNIT made their base and whose character meets another horrific death, this time at the hands of The Zygons in the Tom Baker story Terror Of The Zygons. A veteran of film, TV and the stage, other notable roles included Hoppy in 633 Squadron and, of course, Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads. He also appeared as Mister Tumnus in the 1969 BBC adaptation of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, Able Seaman Murdoch in HMS Paradise, Hamish in One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing and was back in primetime television for his last acting role as Badger in the BBC's Monarch Of The Glen. Angus, born in 1930, was brought up in Glasgow and attended Eastbank Academy in the city. He then appeared in repertory theatres in various towns in England and Scotland. His earliest major role was as Sunny Jim Green in BBC Scotland's comedy series, Para Handy - Master Mariner in 1959. Other TV credits include: Target Luna, The Saint, The Borderers, Z Cars, Rumpole Of The Bailey, Lovejoy, The Onedin Line, All Night Long and Keeping Up Appearances. The actor died in a nursing home in Acton on Sunday evening after being ill in recent years.

Bob Crewe, who co-wrote hits including 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You', 'Walk Like A Man', 'Music To Watch Girls By' and 'Lady Marmalade' and was key to the success of The Four Seasons, has died at the age of eighty three. His brother and former business partner Dan Crewe said that the musician died on Thursday at a nursing home in Maine. 'He had a wonderful career and I'm sorry he has passed but I'm glad he's out of his discomfort,' said Dan. The songwriter suffered complications after a fall four years ago. 'He was not able to function, and for a guy who was so creative, it was not an easy life,' his brother added. Bob Crewe grew up in New Jersey and began his music writing career in the 1950s after leaving an architecture course at the Parsons School of Design in New York. By the time he met The Four Seasons, he was established as a songwriter and produced their first number one hit 'Sherry'. The Four Seasons became renowned for lead singer Frankie Valli's soaring falsetto voice and Crewe collaborated with their keyboardist and backing vocalist Bob Gaudio on many songs both for the group and as other musicians. Together they wrote 1967's 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You', which went on to be covered by numerous artists and also featured in the films The Deer Hunter and Bridget Jones's Diary. The duo also wrote 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore 'for The Walker Brothers and 'Silence Is Golden' for The Tremeloes. As a songwriter, his other successful songs included 'Silhouettes' and 'Daddy Cool' (co-written with Frank Slay); 'Big Girls Don't Cry', 'Rag Doll', 'Let's Hang On!' (with Sandy Linzer and Denny Randell), 'My Eyes Adored You' (with Kenny Nolan). He was also known for providing hits for Mitch Ryder & The Detroit Wheels, Freddy Cannon, Lesley Gore, Bobby Darin, Roberta Flack, Peabo Bryson, Patti LaBelle and his own Bob Crewe Generation. Although Crewe did much of his songwriting from the 1950s to the 1970s, he made a comeback with The Jersey Boys Broadway musical which depicted the story behind The Four Seasons. There was also a film of the same name directed by Clint Eastwood and released earlier this year. During the 1980s he took up painting and sculpture and was also a member of the Songwriters Hall of Fame. Crewe was portrayed as overtly gay in The Jersey Boys, but his brother Dan told the New York Times that e was 'discreet' about his sexuality, particularly during the time he was working with The Four Seasons. 'Whenever he met someone, he would go into what I always called his John Wayne mode, this extreme machoism.'

Joe Sample, a founding member of The Crusaders who wrote chart hits such as 'Street Life' and 'One Day I'll Fly Away' for Randy Crawford, has died at seventy five. Sample's manager, Patrick Rains, told the AP press agency that Joe had died of complications due to lung cancer at the MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. In a message on his Facebook page, Joe's wife Yolanda and son Niklas thanked fans and friends for their support. Joe's songs were also sampled by hip-hop stars including Tupac Shakur. The late rapper used Sample's 'In All My Wildest Dreams' on 'Dear Mama'. Joe, a Texan, was a founding member of The Jazz Crusaders, which later became known simply as The Crusaders. Rains described Sample as 'a seminal figure in the transition from acoustic to electronic music in the jazz field in the late 1960s and early 1970s.' The jazz funk fusion band was the first instrumental band to open for The Rolling Stones on tour. The group released nineteen LPs which made it into the US Billboard charts. Simultaneously, Sample became known as a Los Angeles studio musician, appearing on recordings by the likes of Joni Mitchell, Marvin Gaye, Tina Turner, BB King, Joe Cocker, Minnie Riperton and Anita Baker. The Crusaders disbanded in the 1990s, enabling Sample to pursue a solo career, which included further collaborations with Randy Crawford. Hollywood actress Nicole Kidman also sang 'One Day I'll Fly Away' in Baz Luhrmann's 2001 film Moulin Rouge. Sample's final CD, Live, which featured Crawford and his son on bass, was released in 2012.

A flesh-coloured kit which makes a Colombian women's cycling team look totally bare-ass nekked below the waist has been described as 'unacceptable' by the sport's governing body. Personally, this blogger thinks it looks rather nice. Photographs of the Bogota Humana team were taken at the Tour of Tuscany, showing six women wearing red and yellow kit with flesh-coloured material immediately above and below the waist.
Unbelievable as it may seem dear blog reader, on Monday morning there was a new British, European and Commonwealth All Comers PB at the pool as yer actual Keith Telly Topping only went and managed twenty lengths, a feat he repeated on Tuesday.
You could've knocked yer actual Keith Telly Topping down with a feather. And, you probably still can, actually. That'll be the exhaustion kicking in. Mind you, Keith Telly Topping did get to the pool far earlier than normal on both mornings - quarter to eight - so the place was var nigh deserted and he didn't have to spend at least two of the lengths, as he normally does, avoiding swimming up the chuff of someone else. We're not getting into areas that, six months ago, this blogger never thought he'd ever get close to. Having said that, of course, he is still not even in the same league as our Maureen Telly Topping who can manage sixty lengths without breaking sweat.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. This one from The Primitives is probably appropriate.

'This is the Bank of Karabraxos. The most dangerous bank in the galaxy. A fortress for the super-rich. If you can afford your own star system, this is where you keep it.' Welcome, dear blog readers, to the biggest guilt trip in the universe.
'It's just a phone, Clara. Nothing happens when you answer a phone.' One of the most often-quoted reasons given by both the BBC and by fans for Doctor Who's spectacular longevity and popularity across fifty years is the unlimited nature of flexibility of the series' format. When you've got a mad man in a box you can, after all, take him anywhere at any time to see anything. Over time, the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama has flirted with many different dramatic forms - from all manner of period costume drama including cod-Shakespeare and Jacobean tragedy to sitcom via the thriller, the action movie and space fantasy and numerous other genres and sub-genres too numerous to list. And, that's been an unchanging factor right up to the current series. Already this year we've seen a cross between a Victorian detective mystery and a retro-steampunk futurist allegory from the opening episode. Then, an episode which mixed and matched the SF cliché of miniaturisation with a shoot-'em-up military base-under-siege saga, a near-slapstick comedy episode set in the Twelfth Century with some surprisingly deep things to say about the nature of the difference between fact and myth and, last week, a grim, challenging, bowel-shatteringly scary dystopian nightmare about the logistics of time as an abstract and, you know, what's hiding under the bed. It has often been said before but it bears repeating, it is exactly this constant shifting to style and substance which has kept the show fresh and innovative even after nearly fifty one years. And it's also a reason why it's always so absolutely hilarious to see one of The Special People whinging that an episode 'isn't Doctor Who' when the exact nature of what isDoctor Who in the first place is so unfixed, so variable, so elastic. But, every so often, just to ram home the point, we get something completely new. Case in point; one thing Doctor Who has never tried before, is a heist caper involving a bank robbery. Unless you count something like Attack Of The Cybermen. And, frankly, let's not.

'The greatest bank in the galaxy. Our reputation must remain secure. The Director will blame us. We'll be fired. Fired with pain.'That sounds like fun.
'All the information you need is in this case. Acquire it!' Speaking about the premise for the episode, the director Doug Mackinnon said: 'What we wanted to do was a heist movie for Doctor Who. I've watched virtually every heist movie there's ever been, and it incorporates things into it, but because it's Doctor Who, time travel is involved.' Filming for the episode took place at the Hadyn Ellis Building, part of Cardiff University, on 18 March 2014 and continued at the nearby Bute Park the next day (for a sequence which, in the event, occupied about twenty seconds of screen-time). Initial media reports indicated that Peter Capaldi had suffered a head injury whilst climbing a tree during filming of the episode. However, a BBC spokesperson responded by stating that the apparent gash was, actually, make-up applied for filming. Media coverage of filming focused on a new monster - The Teller - which was spotted on location, with some calling it Doctor Who's 'strangest monster yet.'
'Excuse me, sir. I regret to say, your guilt has been detected.' The other great cause for coverage was the casting of yer actual Keeley Hawes - Tipping The Velvet, [spooks], Ashes To Ashes, Upstairs, Downstairs, Line Of Duty - as the episode's main villainess, Ms Delphox. Wearing a spectacularly cruel pair of spectacles and looking like straight a cross between Theresa May and Mistress Spanksalott, the initial release of publicity photos of Keeley (whom yer actual Keith Telly Topping is, and has been since her astonishingly in-yer-face appearance in james's video for 'She's A Star'fifteen years ago) brought much Internet comment. Some of it, frankly, idiotic bordering on slanderous. Like, this one for instance, from some silly little girl of no consequence whom you've never heard of. As Steven Moffat his very self  told yer actual Keith Telly Topping at the time it appeared: 'This is a first even for me, criticised for an episode months before it's even been shown, for a character I didn't create.' You couldn't make it up, dear blog reader. Well, you probably could, after all, this is Doctor Who fandom we're talking about. In The Land of the Crassly Opinionated, one doesn't actually need to watch an episode of a television series to review it negatively and spit upon it with righteous fury if that's what your sick agenda demands. It's The Law. Or, at least it is in Doctor Who fandom, anyway. We must be quite a sight to those outside the chalk circle.
'Apologies for the disturbance. Everybody have a lovely day.'Time Heist features an intriguing and unusual hook as The Doctor, Clara and two apparent strangers, the hacker Psi and the shapeshifting mutant Saibra, wake up in a darkened room with no recollection of how they got there. Soon, they find a recording with orders from a mysterious hooded figure known only as The Architect who sounds like he's one of those contestants on The X Factor who use auto-tune. The quartet are told that they must rob what is said to be the most secure bank in the galaxy and that their survival absolutely depends on it. They are, thus, self-preservation society, if you like. Ho, yes. Better get a bloomin' move on. If you're looking at this point for a rather obvious satirical poke in the general direction of the contemporary banking industry then, clearly, you're going get it (with interest). You hardly need to be a financial expert to work that out. Coming hot on the heels of the acclaimed and, to repeat, bowel-shatteringly scary, Listen, Time Heist may, inevitably, seem somewhat lightweight by comparison, certainly in terms of dramatic clout if nothing else. Steve Thompson's previous scripts for the series - The Curse Of The Black Spot and Journey To The Centre Of The TARDIS - somewhat split opinion among those who have expressed an opinion, loudly, on the Interweb (for what it's worth, broadly speaking yer actual Keith Telly Topping enjoyed both although the former did, undeniably, have more promise than plot) so it will be interesting to see if Time Hesit has less of a polarising effect on the cognoscenti. Though knowing what a contrary bunch we all are in fandom, I wouldn't bank on it. Despite the Italian Job caper-style nature of the plot (with a couple of twists worthy of the Mission: Impossible franchise at its most mind-bogglingly 'What? How? What?'), the episode takes itself far more seriously than you might expect from the premise. Nevertheless, it's not a dark episode - certainly not compared to last week. It's probably fair to say that this is also the most conventionally 'normal' episode of series eight so far - normal in Doctor Who terms anyway - and, as with Listen, there is no arc progressions featuring appearances from or references to Missy and/or Paradise. Thus, it's something of a standalone tale and with that in mind, there is little obvious character development for either The Doctor or Clara.
'Whoever planned all this, they're in the future. It's not just a bank heist, it's a time travel heist. We've been sent back in time to the exact moment of the storm, to be in exactly right place when it hits - because that's the only time the bank is vulnerable!' Continuity: There are references to, in no particular order, The Leisure Hive ('we could go to Brighton'), The Eleventh Hour ('Hardly anyone in the universe has that number'), The Bells Of St John (another allusion to the mysterious woman who gave Clara the TARDIS phone number), The Snowmen (the memory worm), Kinda, The Time Of The Doctor (a hologram shell), The Mind Of Evil, Blink ('Ever tried not thinking about something?'), Deep Breath ('Basically, it's the eyebrows'), The Doctor's Wife, Amy's Choice (The Doctor's self-professed hatred of The Architect), Asylum Of The Daleks ('My personal plan is, I think a thing will probably happen quite soon'), The Doctor Dances (the dimension bomb) and A Good Man Goes To War ('A good man. I left it late to meet one of those'). Among the blink-and-you'll-miss'-em infamous robbers glimpsed on the bank's security screen are a Sensorite, an Ice Warrior, The Gunslinger (from A Town Called Mercy), Torchwood's Captain John Hart (thus making James Marsters canon in the Doctor Who universe to the sound of squees of all the girls over at Cold Dead Seed. Hi girls!), a Slitheen, a Terileptil (from The Visitation) and one of the Whisperers (from The Name Of The Doctor). Plus, to the joy of many old school fans, the briefest of glimpses of Abslom Daak The Dalek Killer from the Doctor Who Magazine comic strips. There's also a great take on a classic Eric Morecambe joke ('Got the words out. Not in the right order!') plus an 'Allo 'Allo reference ('Now pay close attention to this briefing, it will happen once') and, best of all a The Thick Of It allusion for Capaldi to bellow in full-on Malcolm Tucker mode ('shuttetty up up up!')
'There are so many memories in here, feast on them. knock yourself out! Scarf, bow tie, bit embarrassing. What do you think of the new look? I was hoping for minimalism, but I think I came back with magician! Now, last few days, there's a block - can you see the block? Tell me why I'm here! Show me why I'm here!' The dialogue: Oh yes. Yes, indeedy, dear blog reader, I'll have some of that. Yer man Thompson and Moffat his very self had a bit of fun writing this one, clerarly. 'Do I really have to touch that worm thing?''Yes, you do ... And change your shoes!' And: 'Why are you in charge now?''It's my special power. What's yours?' And: 'Question one. Robbing banks is easy if you've got a TARDIS. So why am I not using it?''Question two. Where is the TARDIS?''Okay, that probably should be question one.' And: 'Your next of kin will be informed. And incarcerated as a further inducement to honest financial transactions.' And: 'Those aren't tears, Clara. That's soup.' When Time Heist hits the funny button, for the most part, it gets it absolutely spot-on. Take, for instance: 'What if the plan is we're blowing the floor for someone else? What if we're not supposed to make it out alive?''Don't be so pessimistic, it'll affect team morale.''What, and getting us blown up won't?''Well only very, very briefly!' And: 'I'm an amnesiac robbing a bank, why would I be okay?' And then, there are the scenes following Saibra's apparent death when the episode gets all introspective and deep and far darker than you'd been led to believe thus far. Like the bit where Psi asks: 'Is that why you call yourself The Doctor? The professional detachment?' Wow, that came out of left field. 'Listen, when we're done here, by all means, you go and find yourself a shoulder to cry on. You'll probably need that. Till then, what you need is me.' In a script that shifts quickly from light to shade and back again, it's hard not to be impressed with something like: 'For what it's worth, - and it might not be worth much - when your whole life flashes in front of you, you see people you love. People missing you ... I see no one.' And: '... It's feeding oxygen down to the private vault. There's another for water. Your basic life support.''For a bank vault?''Someone likes to hang out with their wealth!' And: 'My clone. And yet she doesn't even protest. Pale imitation, really. I should sue!''She hates her own clones. She burns her own clones. Frankly, you're a career-break for the right therapist.' And: 'Calories consumed on the TARDIS have no lasting effect.''You're kidding?''Of course, I'm kidding. It's a time machine, not a miracle-worker!' Yep, funny when it needs  to be, but surprisingly outré when it needs to be. Like all good Doctor Who episodes, neither one thing nor the other but, to the benefit of the episode, a bit orf both. And how perfect is it that The Doctor celebrates a victory with Chinese food? Me too. What are the chances?
'The bank of Karabraxos is impregnable. The bank of Karabraxos has never been breached. You will rob the bank of Karabraxos.' Keeley Hawes headlines the guest cast playing a suitably archetypical villainess. The character isn't afforded all that much in the way of depth or nuance until the last couple of scene - when all bets are off - but, that said, this is Keeley Hawes after all and doing her trademark 'posh bird with a twinkle' thing which made her such a cult favourite in [spooks] and Ashes To Ashes, you get pretty much what you'd expect. Swishy, cat-like movement, saucy asides and pure atom-bombs of acidic wit lobbed in from the sidelines. And, then there's The Teller, a fearsome being which can detect guilt in all its forms. The monster itself is reasonably imposing and glowery and makes for a threatening enemy thanks to its unique ability. It's responsible for one really impressive jump out the seat and grab for a cushion moment and has its own plot twist which, although a tiny bit signposted is still well presented. Whilst the last episode was shrouded in chilling shadows, Doug Mackinnon turns his hand to something a bit lighter and much more fun here and proves he's just as capable at that style. As Doctor Who's attempt at a heist movie cover version, if you like, it's stylish with all of the standard genre clichés which you'd expect, and are mostly done with much affection for the form. All those classic Ocean's Eleven-style slow-motion group shots are complemented by an cheeky and entertaining soundtrack from Murray Gold full of witty Lalo Schifrin riffs. In short, Time Heist' delivers in terms of entertainment and it doing something that television often finds difficult to achieve these days, trying to do something a bit different from the norm. It doesn't all work, and I'm not sure I'd be happy with Doctor Who doing an episode such as this every week - essentially turning into Hustle in space. But, once in a while, it certainly ticks most of the required boxes. 'Come on then, Team Not Dead!'

The very excellent Nick Frost - a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping and probably best known to dear blog readers for his appearances in Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's 'Cornetto Trilogy' movies, Shaun Of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World's End - will appear in this year's Doctor Who Christmas special. Rumours of yer actual Frostie's casting had previous been circulating online, though the BBC is yet to confirm who the actor will play in the hour-long episode. Coronation Street's Natalie Gumede and Misfits actor Nathan McMullen will also make guest appearances. Completing the cast are Michael Troughton - the son of former Doctor, the late Patrick Troughton - and Glue actress Faye Marsay. Michael is, of course, the third member of his family to appear in the series as his brother, David, featured in three guest roles on the BBC's long-running family SF drama between 1969 and 2008. Michael is probably best known for his superb performance as the hapless Piers Fletcher-Dervish opposite Rik Mayall in The New Statesman between 1987 and 1992. Nick Frost said: 'I'm so thrilled to have been asked to guest in the Doctor Who Christmas special, I'm such a fan of the show. The read-through was very difficult for me; I wanted to keep stuffing my fingers into my ears and scream "No spoilers!" Every day on set I've had to silence my internal fanboy squeals!' The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat added: 'Frost at Christmas - it just makes sense! I worked with Nick on the Tintin movie many years ago and it's a real pleasure to lure him back to television for a ride on the TARDIS.' The Doctor Who Christmas special - as yet unnamed - will be broadcast on BBC1 on Christmas Day. Written by The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and directed by Paul Wilmshurst, it is due to be filmed in Cardiff at BBC Wales Roath Lock Studios over the next couple of weeks.

The new edition of Doctor Who Magazine was published this week and features an exclusive interview with Mummy On The Orient Express guest star, comedian, writer and chat show host Frank Skinner, who discusses his role as Perkins in the episode: 'I don't know how I'll feel when they say, "And that's a wrap for Mister Skinner." I'm sure I'll go through a mix of emotions. When footballers are in cup finals, the managers always say, "Savour every moment," and that's what I'm doing. Every moment is "wowee!"'
On 23 November 2013 fans all over the world celebrated Doctor Who reaching its fiftieth anniversary, receiving a Guinness World Record as some ninety four countries were officially recorded as having shown the anniversary episode in one form or another. However, the 18 September 2014 sees another milestone celebrated as, fifty years ago, An Unearthly Child was to receive its first-ever international broadcast. The country in question was New Zealand, with The Doctor's very first appearance outside the UK to be broadcast by Christchurch's CHTV-3. The episode was shown at 7:57pm, sandwiched between news programme NZBC Reports and a documentary about Doctor Gordon Seagrave, The Burma Surgeon Today. It was introduced by the weekly magazine The New Zealand Listener as: 'The first of a new adventure series about an exile from another world and a distant future, travelling with his granddaughter and two London school teachers through time and space. Starring William Hartnell as Doctor Who [sic] and Carol Ann Ford [sic] as his granddaughter. In tonight's episode Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright, two school teachers, decide to try and find out more about one of their pupils who is puzzling them.' Which is mostly aaccurate
Doctor Who's opening episode of the current series, Deep Breath, had a final 'Live plus seven' UK TV audience of 10.76 million viewers. Or, about a sixth of the population of the United Kingdom. Just, you know, for a bit of context. The figure includes not only those who watch the BBC1 broadcast and those who timeshafted it, but also those who watch the repeats on other UK channels and those who watch the programme on iPlayer. The total figure is an estimate of the total number of unique viewers, who have watched the episode on television, within one week on broadcast. The Deep Breath figure was made up of the following:-
6.807 million watched the episode 'live' or by recording on the same day
0.456 million watched a repeat on BBC3
2.525 million watched the episode on timeshift
0.971 million watched it on iPlayer
Sixty six per cent of the audience watched the episode live and/or on the same day compared with a BBC average of eighty seven per cent. Twenty two per cent watched on timeshift where the average is six per cent, and nine per cent watched on iPlayer compared to an average for all BBC programmes of three per cent. The figure does not include those who watched Deep Breath at a cinema.
The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice continues to post very impressive figures for BBC2, with 2.57 million overnight viewers tuning in to watch Friday's episode. Ratings for the spin-off show were slightly up on last week's 2.5 million. BBC2's evening began with 1.27 million for Celebrity Antiques Road Trip at 7pm, followed by 2.01 million for Mastermind at 8pm. Lorraine Pascale: How To Be A Better Cook was watched by 1.37 million at 8.30pm, while 2.03 million watched Gardeners' World at 9.30pm. With 3.65 million viewers, BBC1's The ONE Show was Friday's highest-rated programme outside of soaps giving a good example of just how down right across the board overnights are at the moment. It was followed by 2.89 million for A Question Of Sport at 7.30pm and 3.12 million for Would I Lie To You? at 8.30pm. An average of 2.85 million watched Boomers at 9pm, while 2.57 million saw Big School immediately after. If the BBC were having a bottom-end-of-average night on ITV it was much worse. Gino's Italian Escape: A Taste Of The Sun was seen by 2.41 million viewers at 8pm, while - hilariously - Oily Twat Piers Morgan's Life Stories featuring Bear Grylls attracted a mere 2.3 million at 9pm. Channel Four's The Million Pound Drop was seen by nine hundred and forty thousand at 8pm, Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown attracted 1.65 million at 9pm, and Alan Carr: Chatty Man picked up ratings of 1.41 million. Without Celebrity Big Brother on offer, the opening episode of a new seiers of Body Of Proof was Channel Five's highest-rated show with eight hundred and ninety four thousand punters at 9pm. Storage: Flog The Lot! was seen by six hundred and twenty seven thousand while an NCIS double bill attracted five hundred and sixty one thousand and four hundred and forty two thousand respectively. BBC4's Big Hits: TOTP 1964 To 1975 was among the highest-rated multichannel shows, attracting seven hundred and seventy five thousand at 10.20pm.

Channel Four's Educating The East End appealed to 1.41 million overnight viewers on Thursday evening. It followed Location, Location, Location, which attracted 1.43m. On BBC1, DIY SOS took 4.2m from 8pm, before Martin Shaw's episode of the genealogy show Who Do You Think You Are? took 4.64m, the highest audience of the night outside of soaps. BBC2's Celebrity Antiques Road Trip scored 1.37m from 7pm. Afterwards, Operation Stonehenge: What Lies Beneath and Penguins On A Plane: Great Animal Moves were watched by 1.67m and 1.07m punters respectively. ITV's Paul O'Grady: For The Love Of Dogs was seen by 3.5m from 8.30pm, and the crime drama Chasing Shadows continued with 2.69m from 9pm. Chances of that one getting a recommission? Not huge, I'd've said. On Channel Five, Britain's Craziest Commutes managed six hundred and nine thousand in the 8pm hour. Illegals: Breaking Into Dallas had nine hundred and eighty thousand whilst the latest episode of Dallas attracted three hundred and seventy two thousand from 10pm.

The Great British Bake Off drew 8.3 million viewers on BBC1 on Wednesday evening, according to overnight figures. The latest episode averaged 8.32m in the 8pm hour. Afterwards, Our Zoo drew an audience of 3.98m from 9pm. On BBC2, Celebrity Antiques Roadshow continued with 1.2m from 7pm. Hotel India followed with 1.15m, while This World and Some People With Jokes were watched by 1.38m and eight hundred and ninety five thousand respectively. ITV's Celebrity Squares took a very below-par 2.48m from 8pm. Later, Scott & Bailey appealed to 3.74m. On Channel Four, Sarah Beeny's Double Your House For Half The Money managed nine hundred and eighty four thousand from 8pm. Grand Designs had 1.54m and The Great British Break-Up? The Live Debate attracted six hundred and nine thousand. On Channel Five, Britain's Deadliest Roads was seen by eight hundred and eighty five thousand in the 8pm hour, before Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away secured 1.35m. On the multichannels, Sean Bean's Legends premiered to two hundred and one thousand in the 10pm hour on Sky1. The Strain kicked off with one hundred and ninety one thousand from 10pm on Watch.

The BBC and Sky News called the Scotland referendum’s 'no' result at around 5am on Friday morning, on a night when a CNN poll of polls got it extremely wrong and Mad Frankie Boyle offered a - ungracious and crude (albeit, quite funny) four-letter response to the outcome. Sky News tweeted at 5.03am that the Better Together campaign was on course to win the independence poll, forecasting fifteen minutes later that Scotland had 'rejected independence.' The BBC predicted the same result in a tweet at 5.14am, a minute after it had declared on screen that 'Scotland votes no.' The BBC enjoyed its usual ratings dominance of major live political events. BBC1's Scotland Decides– with two simulcast versions, one fronted by Glenn Campbell for BBC1 Scotland viewers and another hosted by Huw Edwards for the rest of the UK – averaged 1.7 million viewers and a twenty five per cent share from 10.35pm to 2am. ITV’s Scotland Decides averaged four hundred thousand over the same period. CNN claimed a first, although not one it will be shouting about, when its poll of polls gave fifty two per cent to the no campaign and fifty eight per cent to yes. It was corrected an hour later when somebody realised that they'd balls'd it up.
The comedian and serial recidivist Mad Frankie Boyle, who is due to front an iPlayer-only Scottish referendum show for the BBC, gave his own take on the result tweeted out on Friday.
Thanks Mad Frankie, we'll let you know about that position in the diplomatic service. Viewers who stayed up late into the night said the coverage on the BBC, Sky and STV – the ITV licensee in Scotland – took a while to get going, although that was hardly surprising in the absence of exit polls and the first declaration – Clackmannanshire – not happening until 1.30am. The result, in a district which the yes campaign had hoped to win, was fifty threeper cent in favour of no, a foretaste of what was to come. The BBC's Director General, Tony Hall, said in an e-mail to staff: 'I have been up all night and have witnessed first-hand our live coverage of the vote and had the chance to talk to and listen to staff. On television, radio and online, the superb editorial content was enhanced by the brilliant use of technology.' On Friday morning, Scotland Decides' average from 6am to 9am was 1.99m with an audience peak of 2.68m around 8.00am. That was compared with ITV's Good Morning Britain which began at 6am and could only manage seven hundred and seventeen thousand.

Pointless host Alexander Armstrong his very self will voice Danger Mouse when the much-loved cartoon hero returns to TV next year. The comic actor, also known for his double act with Ben Miller, said that voicing the character was 'about as close to a dream job as you could wish for.'Armstrong takes over from Sir David Jason, who voiced the character in ITV's original series from 1981 to 1992. Kevin Eldon will voice sidekick Penfold, Terry Scott's old character. 'When I am recording the episodes, I'll be making sure that at all times my eyebrows are at least three inches above my head,' said Eldon, known for his appearances in Big Train, Nighty Night and Hot Fuzz and his stage work with Bill bailey. Other cast members include Shauna MacDonald and Morwenna Banks, while Dave Lamb - the voice of Channel Four's Come Dine With Me - will take on Brian Trueman's original role of The Narrator. The new Danger Mouse series, which will initially run for fifty two episodes, is due to be broadcast on the CBBC channel in 2015.

Meera Syal has joined the cast of Broadchurch's upcoming second series. The writer and actress will join David Tennant and Olivia Colman in new episodes of the ITV drama, Radio Times reports. Meera has joined the cast on location in Clevedon, but details about her character have yet to be revealed. The first series two cast photo was released by ITV in May, and featured returning actors Jodie Whittaker, Andrew Buchan and Arthur Darvill. Meanwhile, Charlotte Rampling, Marianne Jean-Baptiste, Eve Myles and James D'Arcy will also join the cast for the new series.
Dennis Waterman has leave New Tricks, his spokesperson has announced. Waterman is the only original cast member left on the popular BBC1 drama crime series, which is now in its eleventh series. And now, they've all been replaced - just like members of The Saturdays, if you will. Waterman agent Derek Webster told the Mirra that he will only appear in two episodes of next year's twelfth series. He said: 'Dennis has decided to quit New Tricks. There are another ten episodes that they are going to start filming in November and he will be in two of them. So he will be filming with them until the New Year, but then that will be it. Dennis misses the old crew, the original line-up. The chemistry between them on the set was remarkable. It's difficult to get chemistry like that on set and being on the show with new cast members now just isn't quite the same.' Which, one imagines, will have gone down fantastically well with his current cast mates, Tamzin Outhwaite, Denis lawson and Nicholas Lyndhurst. All of whom are far better actors than Waterman. 'I'm not saying there has been a big falling out or anything,' Webster hurriedly added (a little too hurriedly, one might suggest) 'but the original team worked together for ten years, so it was always going to be a bit strange when people started leaving. All of the other leading cast members decided the time was right for them to leave one by one, and now Dennis has decided it is his time to go.' Wall to Wall, producers of the series, thanked Waterman 'for all his years of loyal service', adding that he would remain on screen for a while yet. 'Viewers won't be saying goodbye to Dennis until Autumn 2015, so there will be plenty of time to enjoy the slightly unorthodox antics of his character Gerry Standing,' said a statement from Wall to Wall's Leanne Klein. In 2012, Waterman and his then co-stars Amanda Redman and Alun Armstrong criticised the show's writers for 'playing it too safe' and made some pretty unsubstantiated claimed about how much they, themselves, contributed to the series' scripts. 'You have to remind yourself that people aren't as stupid as writers think. But that's the way things are going in the industry,' Waterman told the Radio Times at the time. This, needless to say, brought something of an - understandably - annoyed reaction from both the show's writers themselves and from the Writers' Guild of Great Britain. General secretary Bernie Corbett said, rather sarcastically: 'It is astonishing and deeply disappointing to hear this from rich and famous celebrities who owe their careers to the scripts they have interpreted, as much as to their own talents. We regret their imminent departure, but we wish them every success in the state of Denmark, and hope that if they find anything rotten they'll acknowledge their own responsibility for it.' Whether the series will continue to use Waterman's - bloody awful - theme song for subsequent episodes after he leaves is not, at this time, known. But, hopefully not.

The BBC has lodged a formal protest with the Russian authorities after a team of journalists was attacked while investigating a story. A news team was assaulted in southern Russia while examining reports that Russian servicemen had been killed near the Ukrainian border. The team was filming in the city of Astrakhan when they were attacked. According to the BBC's Moscow correspondent Steve Rosenberg, who was part of the news crew, a BBC cameraman was beaten during a scuffle and a camera seized and damaged. The emergency services then took the journalists to a police station, where they were questioned for four hours. During that time, recording equipment which had been in their vehicle at the police station was electronically wiped. All members of the news team are now believed to be back in Moscow. 'The attack on our staff and the destruction of their equipment and recordings, were clearly part of a coordinated attempt to stop accredited news journalists reporting a legitimate news story,' said the corporation in a statement on Thursday. 'We deplore this act of violence against our journalists and call on the Russian authorities to conduct a thorough investigation and to condemn the assault on our staff.' A criminal investigation has been opened, according to Russian news agency Interfax. It quotes Petr Rusanov, head of press for the Astrakhan region's interior ministry, as saying that 'enquiries' had been launched after police received reports that a cameraman had been 'beaten and robbed by unidentified persons.'

Ben Whishaw, who starred in BBC2's The Hour and played Q in the last James Bond film Skyfall, has been cast in the lead role in new BBC2 drama London Spy written by best-selling novelist Tom Rob Smith. Whishaw will play Danny, described as a 'hedonistic romantic', who is drawn into the murky world of the security services when his boyfriend disappears. Rob Smith said: 'Ben Whishaw is quite simply one of the best actors in the country. It's an extraordinary privilege, as a writer, to have him play the lead.' Filming for the five-part series starts next month. Polly Hill, the BBC head of independent drama, said: 'This is a beautifully written love story, caught up in a spy thriller – a wonderfully complex and surprising story, of one man's search for the truth. It promises to be a treat for the BBC2 audience, continuing the channel's commitment to original authored drama.' Whishaw, who will also be the voice of Paddington Bear in the big screen adaptation of the marmalade-loving bear, is expected to return as Q in the latest James Bond film, next year.

On Friday evening, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping was pure dead glad, so he was, to attend the opening Uncle Scunthorpe's Record Player of the autumn season at the Tyneside.
And, a very special one it was too, featuring two repeats, but both welcome ones, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band versus Pet Sounds. It was properly tremendous to see all of the regular gang again after a three month break, listen to two great records, watch a couple of excellent slide shows (Uncle Scunthorpe's ability to time it so that poster came up just as 'Being For The Benefit of Mr Kite' started or the picture of Tara Browne's wrecked Lotus at the correct point in 'A Day In The Life'was commented upon). And, get this, yer actual and his mate Christian his very self only went and won the - extremely pure dead hard, so it was - 'take it to the bridge' quiz. So that was nice. Incidentally, dear blog reader, here's a little something for you to think about. A lot of the photos which Uncle Scunthorpe used for the slide show for Pet Sounds were from the photo session for the LPs front cover - you know the one I mean, The Beach Boys in a petting zoo with various fluffy animals. But, here's the curious thing. They were a six-piece at the time - Bruce Johnston had joined a few months earlier - and all six members were, very definitely, at said photo shoot. Only five of them were on the cover, though - probably because Bruce was still only a member of the 'live' band at that stage, having replaced Brian because of his various nervous breakdown. But, in most of the photos taken only five Beach Boys are ever present at any one time, and often Bruce is one of them. It appears to be a different one missing each time - sometimes it's Carl, sometimes it's Al Jardine, sometimes it's Brian. So, my theory is, The Beach Boys were, actually, a bunch of cheapskates who couldn't be bothered to hire a photographer and simply did the job themselves in a sort-of 'Dennis, it's your turn to take some photos now' style. These, tragically, are the sort of things that keep yer actual Keith Telly Topping awake at night, dear blog reader. Time for Keith Telly Topping's 33(s) of the Day, I suppose. Oh, all right then. This 'un.
And this 'un.
Happy? After those two, you should be. Next week - back on Thursday where it belongs, is a grunge special featuring Doolittle versus It's A Shame About Ray.

The X Factor continued with nearly 8.4 million overnight viewers on ITV for its Saturday evening episode. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads' talent competition averaged an overnight audience of 8.36m from 8pm. Earlier on ITV, The Chase: Celebrity Special took 4.06m in the 8pm hour. The risible Through the Keyhole was watched by 3.78m planks from 9.20pm. The latest episode of Doctor Who, Time Heist, drew an overnight of 4.93m punters from 7.30pm, an audience increase of around one hundred and thirty thousand from the previous episode. And, as we say every week, considering that the last four episodes of Doctor Who have posted timeshift figures in excess of two million (not including iPlayer views), a final and consolidated audience of around seven million is likely. Doctor Who - which had an AI score of eighty four, the joint highest of the series so far - was second most watched programme of the day behind The X Factor. Its lead-in, Pointless Celebrities, had 3.9 million viewers, giving Doctor Who a far higher inherited audience than previously this series with the 'lamented-by-nobody'Tumble having now, mercifully, pissed off. Doctor Who was followed by The National Lottery: In It To Win It (3.04m) and Casualty (3.9m). On BBC2, Daniel Craig's World War II drama Defiance managed 1.01m from 9pm. A repeat of Channel Four's Grand Designs appealed to six hundred and ninety thousand in the 8pm hour, before an broadcast of the action-comedy movie The A-Team drew 1.17m. On Channel Five, repeats of The First Great Escape and World War II in Colour were seen by five hundred and ninety five thousand and six hundred and sixty six thousand respectively. ITV3's Midsomer Murders topped the multichannels during primetime with eight hundred and eighty six thousand from 9pm.

The fifth series of Downton Abbey returned with 8.11 million overnight viewers on ITV on Sunday. This represents Lord Snooty's period drama with its lowest series launch since it began and its lowest overnight audience for a Sunday night episode since series one in 2010. Overnight viewing was down more than one million compared to the opening episode of the fourth series. Elsewhere, Sunday Night At The Palladium drew 3.39m from 7pm, and The X Factor continued with 8.33m. BBC1's Our Girl starring Lacey Turner averaged 3.91m in the 9pm hour. Countryfile and Antiques Roadshow took 5.2m and 5.25m earlier. Highlights of Lewis Hamilton's win at the Singapore Grand Prix attracted an audience of 3.72m. The Sky Sports' F1 channel live coverage was seen by nine hundred and sixty one thousand earlier in the day. On BBC2, This World was watched by nine hundred and sixty four thousand viewers from 9pm. Channel Four's Operation Maneater averaged eight hundred and forty nine thousand from 8pm. It was followed by the Denzel Washington action thriller Safe House, which was seen by seven hundred and seventy five thousand. Channel Five screened Rush Hour 2 (seven hundred and eighty two thousand) and In Time (nine hundred and five thousand). ITV3's episode of Lewis was watched by five hundred and thirty four thousand. Live Ford Super Sunday on Sky Sports 1 featuring The Scum's highly amusing 5-3 defeat to Leicester City had the largest audience on multichannels, 1.37 million, whilst Sheikh Yer Man City's draw with Moscow Chelski FC had nine hundred and twenty five thousand.

Cilla remained on top of the overnight ratings on Monday evening. The Sheridan Smith drama dropped around three hundred thousand viewers from the previous week's opening episode to 5.79 million at 9pm. Earlier, The Undriveables was seen by 2.54m (11.9%) at 8pm. On BBC1, Inside Out brought in 3.31m at 7.30pm, while Panorama interested 2.08m at 8.30pm. New Tricks continued with 4.75m at 9pm. BBC2's Celebrity Antiques Road Trip appealed to 1.52m at 7pm. University Challenge drew 2.81m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 1.96m at 8.30pm. Traders: Millions By The Minute gathered 1.09m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Jamie's Comfort Food attracted 1.21m at 8pm, followed by Gadget Man with 1.25m at 8.30pm. Dazzling Derren Brown's latest special Infamous was watched by 1.36m at 9pm, while Jon Richardson Grows Up had an audience of five hundred and twenty five thousand at 10.30pm. Channel Five's Ultimate Police Interceptors was watched by eight hundred and twenty one thousand at 8pm, followed by Age Gap Love with eight hundred and one thousand at 9pm and Under The Dome with five hundred and nine thousand at 10pm. E4's The One Hundred attracted seven hundred and two thousand at 9pm, while Glue's latest episode was seen by two hundred and sixteen thousand at 10pm. Sky1's Duck Quacks Don't Echo had three hundred and three thousand at 8pm, followed by Fifty Ways To Kill Your Mammy with two hundred and six thousand at 9pm. On BBC3, The Truth About Skank fascinated two hundred and forty four thousand.

Here are the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty Two programmes for week-ending Sunday 14 September 2014:-
1 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 10.13m
2 The X Factor - Sat ITV - 9.71m
3 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.33m
4 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 7.01m
5 EastEnders - Tues BBC1 - 6.80m
6 New Tricks - Mon BBC1 - 6.25m
7 Emmerdale - Wed ITV - 6.04m
8 In The Club - Tues BBC1 - 5.85m
9 Euro 2016 Qualifier: Switzerland Versus England - Mon ITV - 5.77m
10 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.56m
11 Our Zoo - Wed BBC1 - 5.31m
12= DIY SOS: The Big Build - Thurs BBC1 - 4.95m
12= Scott & Bailey - Wed BBC1 - 4.95m*
14 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 4.78m
15 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 4.75m
16 Ten O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.46m
17 The Village - Sun BBC1 - 4.27m
18 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.25m
19 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.20m
20 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.16m
21 The ONE Show - Mon ITV - 4.05m
22 Sunday Night At The London Palladium - Sun ITV - 3.90m*
ITV programmes marked '*' do not include include HD figures. As mentioned above Doctor Who's final figure included a timeshift over the initial 'live' audience of over two million viewers for the fourth week running (the total timeshift was a fraction over 2.2m). Sunday evening's episode of The X Factor had a final rating of 9.08 million viewers. The return of Would I Lie To You? to BBC1 on Friday drew 3.21 million. ITV's current batch of dramas continued to pull in unexpectedly low figures. Scott & Bailey is well down on its last series, whilst the latest episode of Chasing Shadows was watched by 3.20 million and The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher, a disappointing 3.06 million. BBC2's top rated programme of the week was The Motorway: Life In The Fast Lane with 2.68m, followed by The Great British Bake-Off: An Extra Slice (2.54m) and University Challenge (2.52m). Only Connect attracted 2.06m. Channel Four's highest-rated show was Grand Designs with 2.70m, followed by Educating The East End (2.26m) and Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown (two million viewers). Channel Five's best performer was Celebrity Big Brother (2.39 million sad crushed victims of society), followed by CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with 2.16m. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's best performer with 1.045m. Family Guy was BBC3's most watched show with 1.31m. E4's The One Hundred attracted 1.36m.

Despite its booming ratings and critical acclaim, not everybody is happy with the current series of The Great British Bake Off. The BBC's whinge show Points of View featured a segment this week, focusing on an unspecified number of viewers who were, the whinged, 'unhappy' with the 'constant smutty' remarks from hosts Sue and Mel. Innuendo has, of course, long been a part of the show's appeal for many fans and the BBC even plays along on Twitter with an 'innuendo bingo'. However, it's clearly not everyone's cup of tea. One bell-end complained: 'Tired of the constant smutty remarks of the two hosts, Sue Perkins (mostly) and Mel Giedroyc (sometimes), please ask them to stop spoiling an otherwise delightful show.' Another - again, nameless - viewer allegedly e-mailed: 'They get smuttier and smuttier, and it's totally unnecessary. Mary Berry looked quite embarrassed on the first programme of this series and so were we as a family.' Well, watch something else then, you whinging plank. There were also complaints about Jo Brand's spin-off show An Extra Slice. 'It seemed full of innuendos. It was controversial. It was lewd. It was mucky. Why don't we just call it The Jo Brand Show and forget baking,' whinged some smear of no consequence.
And, speaking of whingers, at least two waste-of-space tossers have lodged complaints with Ofcom that the Gruniad Morning Star has been given 'an unfair amount of promotion' in Doctor Who. Frankly, the very existence of the Gruniad Morning Star and all of the nasty middle-class hippy Communist smears who write for it offends yer actual Keith Telly Topping greatly and on a daily basis but he doesn't whinge about it. Except here, of course. on a daily basis. Anyway, the scene which so incensed the whingers came from the episode Into The Dalek and featured Clara carrying a clearly identifiable Saturday edition of the Gruniad Morning Star. The two planks who felt this was an issue worthy of making a complaint over claimed that this amounted to 'commercial product placement', a regulatory no-no for the BBC. Those who commented on the issue on Twitter seemed more concerned about why Clara would be carrying a Saturday Gruniad on a weekday since she was at school. Ofcom decided that the issue did not rupture the space-time continuum and decided against launching an official investigation. Sadly, they didn't tell the two waste-of-oxygen arseholes who'd whinged in the first place to 'grow the fuck up and get a life'. They didn't do that, of course, because Ofcom are, clearly, far too polite to say any such thing. But, I'm not.
And, so to the latest batch of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's Top TV Tips:-

Saturday 27 September
Following Friday night's first live edition of Strictly Come Dancing, in which the first six z-list celebrity wasters made their dance-floor débuts - not counting the group number they all threw themselves into like a bunch of geography teachers at a Sixth Form disco in the launch show earlier this month - yer actual Tess Daly and Claudia Whatsherface her very self introduce the nine celebrities who have been patiently waiting in the wings, ready to show off what they've learned in the rehearsal room - 7:00 BBC1. Or failed to learn, in the case of any potential John Sergeants and Ann Widdecombes among 'em. With no public vote or elimination this weekend, the scores given by judges - Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli, Craig Revel Horwood and Darcey Bussell - are carried over to next week, when the first couple will leave the competition. And that.

Most of The Doctor's recent companions have lived double lives - one involving their friends and family, usually on Earth, with the other side focusing on travelling through time and space saving the universe with their alien buddy in Doctor Who - 8:30 BBC1. Clara thinks that this arrangement suits her just fine - after all, what could be better than gallivanting about with The Doctor to the end of the universe one minute and then settling down to watch telly with her new boyfriend, Danny The Pink, the next? But when terrifying events threaten Coal Hill School (for the first time since 1963), the last thing she needs is for the gaff to welcome a relief caretaker called John Smith with a mysteriously familiar Scottish accent - especially as it means he may finally come face to face with Danny The Pink his very self. Popular, long-running family SF drama, starring yer actual Peter Capaldi, Jenna Coleman her very self and Samuel Anderson.
Puck lands a job working for the eccentric Nobel Literature Prize laureate Andreas Hallman, who is charming and genial but also a neurotic tyrant in the latest Crimes Of Passion - 9:00 BBC4. After his daughter-in-law's birthday dinner, Hallman's eldest son dies, and an exquisite tale of poisoning unravels, exposing Puck to a murder attempt. Swedish crime drama, starring Tuva Novotny, Linus Wahlgren and Ola Rapace.
Eve Lockhart gets the Cold Case Unit to investigate a case which originated with the work she with the UN War Crimes investigations in Bosnia in 1996. There she had uncovered the grave of a woman and her son but was unable to identify them in another classic Waking The Dead - 9:00 Drama. In addition to the victims' DNA she also found the DNA of three men on the dead woman's shawl. When she joined Peter Boyd's team, she put this information in the national DNA database and, unexpectedly, they've now had a hit. In present day London, a man who was chasing a purse snatcher was struck by a car but he and his friend inexplicably assaulted the policemen who tried to help them and ran off. The ungrateful sods. The man who was struck by the car definitely matches one of blood samples on the shawl which, potentially, making him an even bigger bastard. The police eventually retrieve the stolen handbag and find traces of heroin in it. So, these chaps are definitely 'of interest' as they say. Meanwhile, poor old Boyd has yet to collect his dead son Luke's remains from the mortuary. Starring Trevor Eve, Tara FitzGerald and Sue Johnston, with guest stars Ron Cook, Anna Madeley and Branka Katic.

Sunday 28 September
A bombshell was dropped in last week's episode of Lord Snooty's Downton Abbey - 9:00 ITV - and it's clear as this latest episode begins that the household, both upstairs and downstairs, is still coming to terms with what has happened. And, it falls on Robert's broad shoulders to make what could be a far-reaching decision about the situation. Of course, if you don't watch the thing, like seven eighths of the country, then all of this is utterly meaningless. Rose, meanwhile, seems more concerned with persuading Robert to buy a wireless than what is happening to those around her - but then again, she's always been trapped in her own self-centred little world. In the kitchen, Mrs Patmore thinks she may have found a way to help Daisy cope with her studies, while Thomas' devious ways look set to scupper Baxter's friendship with Molesley. Gosh, will the drama never cease? Finally, as Lord Merton continues to woo Isobel, Anna is reluctantly drawn into Mary's latest highfalutin, vainglorious scheme. The Upper Classes, eh? They're a right laugh.

Mark Evans travels to the shores of Hudson Bay in Canada, where polar bears are 'causing havoc' in isolated communities in Operation Maneater - 8:00 Channel Four. 'Causing havoc' in this particular case meaning, 'doing what polar bears do naturally.' He arrives in the town of Churchill just hours after an attack has left two people seriously injured and one of the animals very dead. Here, Evans joins an Alert Team transporting a captured bear by helicopter to a designated release site. Next, in the Inuit town of Arviat, he works with wildlife officers to test an aerial drone early warning system, a military-grade loud speaker deterrent and a controversial experiment to place meat out on the tundra to divert these predators away from locals.

For the second year running, Countryfile - 7:00 BBC1 - plays host to One Man And His Dog, the contest showcasing the skills and traditions of sheepdog training and handling. Yes, dear blog reader, this is some people's idea of 'Sunday night entertainment. No, this blogger doesn't know why either. Yer actual Matt Baker and Helen Skelton her very self present 'the action' (if you can call a sheepdog running around a bunch of terrified simple minded creatures ... and some sheep 'action') from Byland Abbey in the North York Moors, as handlers - 'cum by!' - representing England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales compete to become the 2014 champions. And, hopefully, none of the dogs will run amok and viciously attack anything that moves. Obviously. Between rounds, Helen explores the hills around the abbey, whose monks used to be at the heart of Britain's wool trade, and discovers how nearby Ampleforth Abbey is still going strong. But rather than raising sheep, its monks are now selling cider.

Bumble! The David Lloyd Story - 9:00 Sky Sports 1 - is, as you might expect from the title, a profile of the much-loved cricket commentator and wit, looking at his career as a player, coach, umpire and broadcaster. Don't worry, he hasn't died nor nothing. Yer actual is, as it happens, a big fan of Bumble but, nevertheless, yer actual Keith Telly Topping is still hoping they play that clip from the 1974-75 Ashes tour when David got hit in the nuts by that ball from Jeff Thomson. Cos, you know, it has that marvellous duel purpose of being really funny and, at the same time, making every chap in the gaff;s eyes water at the very thought of it happening to them.
Monday 29 September
The arrest of a Turkish girl who has been working illegally leads UCoS to reopen the case of Richard Gibson, a pub landlord who died in a fire in 2009 in the latest New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. The original investigation concluded that Gibson's death was 'probably suicide' - a wonderfully inconclusive official verdict you might think - due to his dire financial situation. But the veteran detectives have some questions about the pub's live-in barmaid, who disappeared on the night of the blaze and hasn't been seen since. Could widowed landlady Joanna, pub regular Jason, or the dead man's best friend David, who happens to have a sideline in passing off his British-produced sparkling wine as French champagne, supply them with any answers? While the case tests the team's brain power, Sasha is also keen to raise their fitness levels as she signs them up for a five-a-side football competition. So, that's why Waterman's leaving, is it? Niamh Cusack and two of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite character actors, Phil Davis and Tom Georgeson guest star.

New research suggests that the connections in men's and women's brains follow different patterns, which might explain typical forms of gender-specific behaviour. And many ladies' inability to grasp the intricacies of the offside law. Oh yes. I'm here all week. Anyway, in what looks to be a fascinating Horizon - 9:00 BBC2 - two particular favourites of all of us at From The North, Doctor Michael Mosley and the Goddess of punk archaeology Professor Alice Roberts investigate whether these brain patterns are innate or are shaped by the outside world. They do this by using a team of human guinea pigs and a troop of Barbary monkeys to test the science and challenge many old stereotypes. Like the one this blogger used as a joke in the preceding paragraph, just in case you were wondering. They ask whether this new scientific research will benefit both sexes or drive them even further apart.

It looks like Cilla Black has put that early botched audition and those disappointing record sales for 'Love Of The Loved' behind her as, following the success of 'Anyone Who Had A Heart', her new single 'You're My World' becomes her second number one in the third and final episode of Cilla - 9:00 ITV. However, while she may have conquered the UK charts, can she follow in the footsteps of her old mates The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo, you might've heard of them) and, ahem, 'crack' America? The signs aren't looking good, and just to add to the pressure, her relationship with boyfriend Bobby is becoming increasingly tumultuous. But as her manager Brian Epstein's private life starts to spiral out of control with the drugs and the rent boys and that, it seems there could be an even bigger threat to Cilla's new-found success. The concluding instalment of Jeff Pope's biopic charting Cilla Black's rise to fame, starring Sheridan Smith, Aneurin Barnard and Ed Stoppard.

On the last episode of Only Connect - 8:30 BBC2 - yer actual Victoria Coren Mitchell was up to her sauciest tricks again, opening the episode with the observation that the series was just like The Lord Of The Rings: 'I'm thinking especially of those moments after the show when, remembering the bottle of whisky I've left in my dressing room, I crawl towards it in my pants whispering "precious!"' Anyway, having watched the Qi Elves get a right hiding off the Bibliophiles (and, frankly, it serves them right for not knowing who The Thirteenth Floor Elevators were) this week, a team of coders takes on a trio of video-game enthusiasts in the quiz that tests both general knowledge and lateral thinking. The players must make connections between four things that may, at first, not appear to be linked. In this episode, one set of clues consists of doctor, neighbour, friend and spook. Which is, clearly, the singular version of four titles of popular TV shows when said in the plural. Only, it should really of been [spook] in that case. Next ...
Tuesday 30 September
Doug Adamson is found unconscious in a suburban house and when questioned claims that homeowners the Connors hired him to do odd jobs, but that they left a month ago with their two children and never returned in CSI - 9:00 Channel Five. A car belonging to the couple's son is found with its brakes cut, there is a confusing amount of blood evidence and the body of the family's golden retriever is buried in the back yard. The team gets a break in the case when paperwork is located tying Doug to a storage unit where the team discovers the Connors' missing furniture - and a body. Guest starring Niko Nicotera from Sons of Anarchy.

The crime drama The Driver continues - 9:00 BBC1 - as Vince realises just how far out of his depth he has gotten since agreeing to be the titular driver for the gang leader known as The Horse. Ney, ney and thrice neigh, as it were. Vince nurses a guilty conscience as his thoughts turn to his involvement in the last job and so he sets about trying to make things right - although little does he realise that his actions are going to impact on Col. Meanwhile, Ros is becoming increasingly suspicious of what her husband is getting up to in his spare time, and it looks like Vince's two worlds may be about to collide. Feeling at a loss, he tries to piece his family back together by visiting his son, Tim, and making an emotional plea. David Morrissey, Claudie Blakley, Ian Hart and Lewis Rainer star.

Matt Jamison learns he may lose his church to foreclosure and turns to his sister Nora, who lost her spouse and children in The Departure in The Leftovers - 9:00 Sky Atlantic. He hopes to persuade her to lend him the money, but reveals a devastating secret about her husband when their exchange becomes heated. As desperation mounts, the reverend comes up with a risky plan to generate cash in a last-ditch attempt to stop the Guilty Remnant from taking over his place of worship. Mystery drama, starring yer actual Christopher Eccleston.
Wednesday 1 October
In the latest episode of Scott & Bailey - 9:00 ITV - as Syndicate Nine investigates the discovery of a woman's body in a Manchester hotel room, Gill introduces Rachel to high-flying Sergeant Will Pemberton, unaware they are already acquainted - well acquainted as they've been having a passionate, illicit, big hot and sweaty secret relationship for months. But while the volatile copper can be discreet when it comes to romance, will she be able to hide her feelings when Gill lets slip that she wasn't the first choice for the sergeant's job? Meanwhile, Janet is keen to give her own love life a boost, especially after seeing how happy Ade is with his new partner Eleanor. However, a speed-dating event might not be the best option, as Janet finds herself treating each brief encounter like a police interrogation. Crime drama, starring Suranne Jones, Lesley Sharp, Amelia Bullmore, Steve Touissant and Mina Anwar.

The final episode of the three-part documentary series Oh! You Pretty Things: The Story of Music and Fashion - 9:00 BBC4 - focuses on the decade that taste forgot, the 1980s, a decade in which image became everything thanks to the arrival of the music video. Usually featuring some bleach hairs youfs with nice teeth swanning around in some Third World dictatorship on a yacht. Well, it was one way of making lots of money. during the Miners Strike, wasn't it? From yer actual Dexys Midnight Runners in their dungarees to the flamboyant New Romantics of London's Blitz Club and the band with the look that typified much of the decade - Duran Duran. Big hair, flash clothes, no discernible musical talent. Plus, a look at the emerging popularity of urban street wear, led by Jazzie B and Soul II Soul. Narrated by Wor Geet Luscious Lovely Lauren Laverne. Last in the series.

Twenty years on from the Rwandan genocide, Jane Corbin examines evidence that challenges the accepted story of one of the most horrifying events of the late Twentieth Century in Rwanda's Untold Story - 9:00 BBC2. The country's president Paul Kagame has long been portrayed as the man who brought an end to the killing and rescued his country from oblivion, but there are increasing questions about the role of his Rwandan Patriotic Front forces in the dark days of 1994 and in the years since. The film investigates the shooting down of the presidential plane that sparked the killings in 1994, questions Kagame's claims to have ended the genocide and examines allegations of war crimes committed by his forces and their allies in the wars in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Part of the This World strand.

The Blacklist: Behind The Scenes- 10:00 Sky Living - is, at the title might suggest, a look ahead to the second series of the conspiracy thriller starring the excellent James Spader and Megan Boone which starts on Sky Living on 3 October.
Thursday 2 October
Some great names have featured in the current series of Who Do You Think You Are? - 9:00 BBC1 - but their ancestors' lives haven't always been as intriguing as those of lesser celebrities who've taken part in previous years. At least with this week's famous face - the well known Scottish comedian and actor Billy Connolly - we're guaranteed more than our fair share of laughs, even if his family history turns out to be rather lacklustre. The episode starts out promisingly in the city of The Big Yen's birth, Glasgow, where he hopes to find out more about his mother's relatives. He believes that they hailed from Ireland, but records concerning his great-great-grandmother only deepen the mystery. Billy also heads to India, where he unearths details of the parts that two of his ancestors played in historical events.

Cillian Murphy returns as Birmingham-based mobster Thomas Shelby in the second run of author Steven Knight's period drama Peaky Blinders - 9:00 BBC2 - which is set to reunite the Irish star with his Dark Knight Rises colleague Tom Hardy. The first series was a huge (and, somewhat unexpected) success for the BBC, winning plaudits not only for its plot and acting, but also for its amazing production design, which helped create an atmosphere of threat and foreboding in the Midlands immediately after the First World War. Now the action moves on to the Roaring Twenties, and Thomas is determined to expand the legal and illegal sides of the Shelby family business by taking on various interests in the south of England. But an enemy from his past looks set to stand in his way.
Dallas Campbell tells the story of the Voyager Space Mission, which saw two unmanned spacecraft leave Earth to explore the farthest reaches of the solar system in Voyager - 9:00 BBC4. The probes were launched in 1977, and became the first man-made objects to visit Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune and many of their moons. Having travelled eleven billion miles to date, the pair are now beyond the influence of Earth's sun, bearing a record of human civilisation in case of discovery by other species. It's fitting that the Voyager probes should have launched in 1977, the year of Star Wars. But the findings beamed back from both spacecraft surpassed even George Lucas's wildest imaginings (well all right, maybe not Jar-Jar Binks). Even at an early stage mission spokesman (and genius) Carl Sagan summed up how astronomers and laymen alike became inspired by what they were seeing: 'It's impossible to look at these pictures with only a scientific cast of mind because they are simply exquisite.' Marking thirty five years since Voyagers 1 and 2 blasted off, the story of their dazzling discoveries is retold with passion and joy; from the churning storms of Jupiter and the bulge behind one of its moons, Io, which turned out to be a volcano to the vast nitrogen geysers of Neptune's satellite Triton. But first, Campbell takes us way back to Sputnik and the 'three-body problem' which needed cracking before a single blueprint could be drawn for a visit to the Outer Planets. It's a thrilling tale of machine exploration and human endeavour. If you see nothing else, tune in for the last five minutes as the words of Sagan play out over images of mankind; it's properly spine-tingling.
Mike Read presents an edition of Top Of The Pops - 7:30 BBC4 - from 20 September 1979. One of the few that the BBC can still play. It featuring performances by The Starjets, Kate Bush, Madness, The Jags (who've got your number written on the back of their collective hand, one might suggest), The Bellamy Brothers, The Tourists, The Police (back in the days before Sting disappeared completely up his own arse), Sad Cafe, Rainbow and yer actual Gary Numan. In his car. Plus, dance sequences by Legs & Co.

Friday 3 October
Unreported World returns - 7:30 Channel Four - with a typically bare, hard-hitting look at the reality of a big story. We're in Sierra Leone, where the battle to contain ebola is (or was, when this documentary was shot) at a critical phase. We see the day-to-day operations at a field hospital, as reporter Shaunagh Connaire follows developments over two weeks. That's enough time to see what follows when a despondent woman called Kadiatu is collected from her village with the vfirst signs of the disease. Because so few people who go to the hospital ever return, victims hide in homes, infecting others in their family. And, cruel rumours that ebola is a hoax - a trick by doctors to steal blood - provoke riots in a nearby town.

Rob Brydon hosts the comedy panel show Would I Lie To You? - 8:30 BBC1 - in which two teams headed by David Mitchell and Lee Mack try to hoodwink each other with absurd facts and plausible lies about themselves. Comedian and actor Miles Jupp, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal, the actress Emilia Fox and comedian Ed Byrne are this week's guests.
They always say that no news is good news, but whoever they are, they're obviously not the staff writers for Have I Got News For You - 9:00 BBC1 - a series which would be nothing were it not for the headlines. The show returns for a new run this week and, if we're fortunate, there will have been a wealth of news stories recently giving guest host (and token woman) Jennifer Saunders plenty to go on as she quizzes Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, along with their guest panellists, on recent events. Appearing this week are Scottish satirist, writer, television director and radio producer and all round Top Bloke Armando Iannucci, and the stand-up comedian Sara Pascoe, who has just finished a successful run of shows at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe and who is another particular favourite of this blogger.

Robbie Lewis suspects a connection between the death of a student with secret plans for advancement and the killing of well-known criminal Nicky Turnball, who was in Oxford to speak at the Union in an early episode of Lewis - 9:00 ITV3. As the detective and his oppo, James Hathaway eliminate suspects from a long list of the crook's enemies, the investigation brings him into contact with old flame Diane - who also happens to be Turnball's wife. Kevin Whately stars, with Laurence Fox, Care Holman, Rebecca Front, Owen Teale and Gina McKee.
An eminent scientist on the brink of a major breakthrough in cancer research is found impaled on a razor-sharp samurai sword in his locked study in The House Of Monkeys a memorable episode of Jonathan Creek - 9:00 Drama. Jonathan and Maddie are called in to find out if this is a case of murder or an extremely elaborate suicide. Guest starring Annette Crosbie, with Alan Davies and Caroline Quentin.

And, so to the news: DCI Banks has been recommissioned for a new six-part series by ITV. The contemporary crime drama, which stars Stephen Tompkinson as Alan Banks, Andrea Lowe as Annie Cabbot and Caroline Catz as Helen Morton, will begin filming for its fourth series in Yorkshire later this month.

Four months until 2015 and we already know what one of the big TV events of next year will be, the return of Broadchurch. Eighteen months ago, Chris Chibnall's drama captured the attention of the telly-viewing public and it is currently filming a second series on the dramatic Dorset coastline, one which will reunite stars David Tennant and Olivia Colman, following the former's secondment to British Colombia to shoot FOX's US remake Gracepoint. Both Gracepoint and the second series of Broadchurch bear the weight of audience expectation after Chibnall's original series but Tennant is used to feeling the pressure thanks to his time in the TARIDS. So, has his four year tenure playing The Doctor served as useful preparation for the roles of Alec Hardy and his American counterpart Emmett Carver? 'I suppose, yes,' he told the Radio Times at this week's premiere of his latest film, What We Did On Our Holiday. 'There aren't many shows that get that national conversation going so it's very nice to be involved in something like Doctor Who and Broadchurch that does that. It's wonderful to see people getting excited by something that you're in. When something captures the national consciousness like that, it's very humbling to be a part of it but it's a real treat – it's why you tell stories, to get people entranced.' And, it turns out the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama helped Tennant out with another handy talent: secret keeping. 'It started with Doctor Who. I now won't discuss anything I'm ever doing, it's a knee-jerk reaction. It's fun to keep secrets.' The actor also expressed his thoughts on the recent Scottish Referendum. 'I'm very happy that Scotland conducted itself with as much democratic dignity as it did. I'm very proud of the homeland.' A place in the Diplomatic Service clearly awaits.

A graphic designer attempted to kill her mother by putting poison in a drink in a plot inspired by the US series Breaking Bad, a court has heard. Kuntal Patel denies trying to murder her 'controlling and selfish' magistrate mother, Meena, by putting abrin in her Diet Coke. Prosecutors said that Patel was 'angry' that her mother had 'forbade' her from marrying her boyfriend. Southwark Crown Court heard abrin is 'much more poisonous' than ricin. Kuntal Patel has pleaded very guilty to two counts of attempting to acquire a biological agent or toxin last December. She is alleged to have bought the poison from a site on the secretive online world known as The Dark Web, which allows users to be anonymous. She paid for it using the virtual currency bitcoins, jurors heard. It arrived in a wax candle. The graphic designer put the poison in the bottle and watched as her mother, who sits on the bench at Thames Magistrates' Court, drank it at her home in Stratford but, nothing happened. Prosecutor Jonathan Polnay said that the poison was one thousand times less toxic if swallowed rather than inhaled or injected. The plot was 'inspired, in part, by the US television series Breaking Bad', he said. 'To the outside world, the Patels must have seemed a highly respectable and happy family' but were actually 'embroiled in bullying and abuse. The evidence will show that, in private, Meena Patel - the magistrate who worked in domestic violence and race relations - was not a nice woman at all. She would regularly use foul and abusive language, including highly racist language. She would, on occasions, be violent. She was highly manipulative and controlling - she would seek to control every aspect of her daughters' lives. And worst of all, she forbade Kuntal from marrying the man she loved - Niraj Kaked. Meena Patel was all of those things - manipulative, controlling and selfish. But she did not deserve to die.' He added: 'When Meena forbade Kuntal from marrying Niraj, rather than bringing shame on the family by trying to marry without her consent - something which Meena would have done her best to sabotage - Kuntal set out in a calculated and pre-meditated fashion to murder her own mother.' The court heard that Meena allegedly locked her daughter in her home, beat her and demanded she stopped seeing Kaked, who lived in the US. In a series of abusive text messages, she called her daughter a 'witch' who 'cannot be my blood'. In an e-mail to a friend which was read out in court, Kuntal Patel wrote: 'I'll never forgive her for what she has done to me. She has stolen my future away from me. I couldn't care less about my life any more. I would prefer to be dead.' Jurors heard that the accused bought the poison for nine hundred smackers over the Internet from an American, Jesse Korff. But, unbeknown to the pair, the website was under surveillance by the FBI after an advert posted on it in September 2013 offered a Breaking Bad-style ricin poison. Jurors were told that Patel was inspired by a plot in the TV show, which is about chemistry teacher, Walter White, who turns to cooking crystal meth with a former student after being diagnosed with cancer. In messages she wrote: 'I've been watching too much Breaking Bad.' It is alleged that Korff sent Kuntal Patel abrin, which is similar to ricin, but more deadly. When her mother survived the poisoning, Patel confessed her plot to the seller, the court heard. She wrote: 'Something had definitely gone wrong somewhere as it is now early Saturday morning and still everything is normal. Yes, target drank all of it. I made sure I watched her drink it all.' Kuntal Patel was arrested in January and told police that she had bought the poison in order to kill herself, but said when the parcel arrived, she became scared and threw it away. Officers found she had searched 'how to murder using poison', 'how to create botulism' and 'how to murder someone without getting caught' on the Interweb. The trial extremely continues.
The BBC has apologised for broadcasting an excerpt from a 1971 edition of Top Of The Pops in which the dirty old scallywag and right rotten rotter Jimmy Savile was, briefly, shown. Broadcast on 13 September on BBC2, the footage appeared to show Savile wagging a finger at a female audience member. 'Unfortunately this brief appearance was missed,' said the BBC after an unspecified number of viewers - probably one - complained. 'It was removed from iPlayer as soon as we were made aware and replaced with a re-edited version.' The footage of Savile, who died in 2011, was seen at around 23:15 in an edition of Top Of The Pops 2. In a statement, the BBC said it had 'reviewed references to Jimmy Savile across archive footage, including a number which were brought to our attention. Where the material is likely to cause offence to his victims it is removed. Although all programmes are reviewed before broadcast, unfortunately this brief appearance was missed. We apologise for any distress caused.'
Meanwhile, speaking of dirty old rotters, the former DJ Dave Lee Travis has been found extremely guilty of indecently assaulting a researcher working on The Mrs Merton Show in 1995. Quack, quack and, indeed, oops one could venture at this juncture. A Southwark Crown Court jury convicted the so-called Hairy Cornflake by a majority verdict of ten to two. He was found very not guilty of indecently assaulting a woman while he was appearing on a production of Aladdin with The Chuckle Brothers in 1990. He was also cleared of a further charge of sexually assaulting a journalist after the jury failed to reach a verdict. Travis, who left the court with his wife Marianne after being granted bail, will be sentenced on Friday. The sixty nine-year-old, who was tried under his real name David Griffin, appeared on BBC Radio 1 for more than twenty five years until he resigned, on-air in an infamous stroppy rant, in 1993 and was a regular host of Top Of The Pops. And, you can bet yer last quid that none of those episodes will be cropping up on BBC4 any time soon. Prosecutors described him as an 'opportunist' and said his 'charming and cuddly' persona was 'no defence' for his actions and his filthy groping ways. Sophie Wood, defending, told the judge that she would 'seek to persuade' him that Travis should be given a non custodial community order sentence. But Judge Anthony Leonard QC told Travis: 'You must understand that all my options remain open in relation to sentencing.' Travis replied: 'I understand. Thank you, your honour.' Travis - who had strenuously and aggressively denied all of the charges against him - had to wait a long time to learn his sorry fate, almost two years since his arrest, eight months since the first trial and four days since this jury began their deliberations. The jury of six men and six women found him extremely guilty of indecently assaulting a woman on 17 January 1995, while she was working on the BBC's comedy chat programme The Mrs Merton Show. She had told the court that she was 'left shaking' after the incident. Giving evidence, the woman - now a well known television personality who cannot be named for legal reasons - said that she was twenty two when Travis approached her as she was smoking a cigarette in a corridor of the BBC studios in Manchester. Travis, a guest on the programme that week, told her she 'shouldn't be smoking' and gave her 'a squeezing grope', she said. 'He started touching the bottom of my rib cage. Without saying anything else he just slid his hands up to and over my breasts and then kind of left them there and started squeezing,' she added. She told the court: 'I absolutely knew he had some weird sexual thrill from this. I felt like I'd been punched, that feeling of being violated.' In court, Travis, of Aylesbury, accused the woman of lying. But, seemingly, the jury did not believe him or his cock and bull story. Jurors were read a transcript of his police interview when the allegation was put to him. 'I remember the days people used to touch people and you would kick them in the balls,' he had told the officers. 'You didn't take them to bloody court.' But the woman's account of having raised the assault incident with colleagues at the time was backed up by the comedian Dave Gorman, then working as a scriptwriter on the show, and by the producer Peter Kessler, who told the jury they remembered her claims clearly. Travis was cleared of twelve indecent assault allegations at a trial earlier this year. But he was being retried on two charges the jury had been unable to reach verdicts on. He was accused of putting his hands inside the trousers of a woman who was working on the pantomime Aladdin in 1990. The other charge was an allegation that he groped a journalist's chest when she interviewed him at his home in 2008.

Durham kept their heads in a tense finish as they beat Warwickshire by three wickets to win the One-Day Cup on Sunday. Bears skipper Varun Chopra made sixty four as Warwickshire, having lost the toss and been put in, were dismissed cheaply in bowler-friendly conditions for one hundred and sixty five. Opener Mark Stoneman's fifty two rescued Durham from twelve for twp before spinner Jeetan Patel took four for twenty five to give the Bears hope. But Ben Stokes (thirty eight) and Gareth Breese (fifteen) restored calm to get home on one hundred and sixty six for seven with more than nine overs in hand. Breese, one of only three survivors from Durham's only previous one-day final appearance (their Friends Provident Trophy win over Hampshire in 2007), struck the winning runs in what was likely to be his final appearance for the county. He had also contributed wonderfully with the ball earlier in the day, taking three for thirty from seven overs of accurate, niggardly off-spin. But man of the match Stokes was even more influential. After returning figures of two for twenty five with the ball, despite two dropped catches, he kept a cool head with the bat in a nail-biting finale that was in marked contrast to his heroic semi-final innings, when he blasted one hundred and sixty four off one hundred and thirteen balls to see off Nottinghamshire. Having lost the toss on an hugely overcast day, when the Lord's lights were on from the outset, the Bears had already avoided a couple of early scares when Will Porterfield edged the first ball of the fifth over to Durham wicket-keeper Phil Mustard, who took a fine low catch. Jonathan Trott laboured for fifteen balls before being trapped leg before in Paul Collingwood's first over to make it twenty nine for two. Collingwood then dropped Tim Ambrose at slip off Stokes on three before making amends without too much damage done when he, himself, had the Bears wicket-keeper caught at slip - a similar sharp chance to his right snapped up by Breese. The fifty came up in the seventeenth over when Chopra guided only the third boundary of the innings through extra cover, but Ambrose's dismissal led to three wickets going down for just five runs in eighteen deliveries. Laurie Evans gloved a lifter from Stokes to the safe hands of Breese at second slip and, although he then had Rikki Clarke dropped one-handed by Mustard in his next over, Stokes soon rearranged the Warwickshire all-rounder's stumps to make it sixty eight for five. Chopra and Woakes helped to make a game of it with a sixth-wicket stand of forty seven in quick time, but a brilliant one-handed catch running back by Calum MacLeod - who spent two seasons on Warwickshire's books in 2008 and 2009 - accounted for Woakes. Shortly after, Rushworth returned to remove Chopra's leg stump and Patel perished at short third man after hitting Breese for six off the previous ball. Breese collected his third wicket when Ollie Hannon-Dolby spooned a catch to mid-on before the innings ended with three overs unused when Boyd Rankin was run out going for a quick second. Warwickshire needed early wickets to stand a chance and Clarke quickly struck twice, hitting Mustard's middle stump before having MacLeod caught at first slip. Skipper Stoneman responded by bludgeoning ten boundaries before becoming one of three LBW decisions for Patel as Durham were sent sliding from sixty for two to eighty six for five. Durham skipper Collingwood and Stokes appeared to have restored calm with a stand of thirty one but, with forty nine needed, Collingwood steered Hannon-Dolby to point and then Gordon Muchall became Patel's fourth victim (all from fast balls from the Pavilion End which kept low) to make it one hundred and thirty for seven. However, Stokes stood firm and when his fortuitous attempted reverse sweep narrowly missed the stumps - and Ambrose - to run away for four in Patel's final over, Durham finally sensed that they had it won. It was left to thirty eight-year-old Jamaican Breese to carve the winning runs to third man and make it two victories out of two for Durham in Lord's finals.

Yer actual Iggy Pop will deliver the fourth annual John Peel Lecture in Salford on Monday 13 October. James Osterberg, the wild man of proto-punk who now rifles through his own record collection for a Sunday afternoon BBC 6Music show, will deliver a lecture titled Free Music In A Capitalist Society, which he described as 'a struggle which never ends.' This year's Radio Academy event will take place in the month of the tenth anniversary of John's death and Iggy said of the revered Radio 1 DJ: 'Here was a person with strong opinions and enthusiasms who wasn't defined by any system, because of that his show became an exciting location, kind of like a shop that's a good hang. So it was a social as well as a musical phenomenon.' He will be the first American to deliver the lecture – in previous years the speakers have been Pete Townsend, Billy Bragg and Charlotte Church.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's a bit of The Harvey Averne Dozen.

'Hold on, one more thing. We've got a newbie.''I'm The Caretaker.'
'Are the kids safe?''No. Nobody is safe. But, soon the answer will be be "yes, everybody is safe" if you let me get on.' As the setting for, near enough, the very first scene in the opening Doctor Who episode, 1963's An Unearthly Child, Coal Hill Secondary School has a special place in the affections of many Doctor Who fans. Back, more or less, to where it all began. The location has been revisited on several occasions since two of its teachers and one of its more unusual pupils mysteriously went missing on that damp and cold November night fifty years ago; notably by Sylvester McCoy's Doctor in 1989's Remembrance Of The Daleks (set a few months prior to the events of An Unearthly Child) and, as the setting for Clara's teaching job in last year's fiftieth anniversary special The Day Of The Doctor. This year, we've seen quite a bit of the drum. Coal Hill shares, along with the BBC's two other memorable school dramas Grange Hill and Waterloo Road, a thoroughly cheeky and insubordinate group of pupils who could probably do with a damned good dose of detention on a regular basis yet who are, nevertheless, as Ben Elton noted in an episode of The Young Ones, 'the only kids in England who don't say "f-"'. Anyway. where were we? Oh yes, of course. Back to school on Monday. The Caretaker, once again, returns Doctor Who to the scene of its first adventure in space and time. Filming for the episode took place at Bute Street and Lloyd George Avenue in Cardiff on 24 March 2014 and continued at The Maltings in Cardiff Bay and the former St Illtyd's Boys' College in the delightfully named Splott (no, it's not a Torchwood in-joke it really does exist although how it is pronounced is a different matter entirely) on 4 April. Some scenes were also filmed at Holton Primary School in Barry the following day.
'I'm The Caretaker now. Look, I've got a brush!' For the second time the year, the Doctor Who audience is gently prodded into more light-hearted and humorous territory than usual with The Caretaker. The premise of Gareth Roberts' story (co-written with The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat) is, as with two of the author's previous episodes for the show, The Lodger and Closing Time for Matt Smith, reasonably straight-forward and involves The Doctor effectively 'undercover' at Coal Hill as he investigates sinister goings-on and attempts to avert another robotic threat to Earth. This time in the form of The Scovox Blitzer - 'one of the deadliest killing machines ever created'. With hilarious consequences, obviously. And, thankfully, without James Bloody Corden hanging around like a lingering bad smell. So, that's a bonus. Many odd occurrences manifest themselves along the way, particularly as all of this malarkey clashes, disastrously, with Clara's professional and, indeed, social life and her increasingly desperate and farcical attempts to keep Danny Pink - and the school for that matter - in the dark about the threat they are facing. Isn't that always the problem with over-complicated double lives? There's so much going on you don't know whether to tell your almost-boyfriend about the potential imminent alien invasion or not. It's a problem so many young school teachers - and Gruniad Morning Star readers - have to face on a daily basis, is it not? The Caretaker, after a helter-skelter opening few minutes, finds the time for a touch of characterisation and variance of pace amid all of its breathless running around. This makes it, clearly, the odd one out of the episodes of the series so far, it's predecessors having all spent much of their time placing plot and story development ahead of any more subtle conceits. As such, it does some very interesting work on the two - actually, three - central characters dealing with a number of issues which have been bubbling away under the surface for some weeks. Not only that that, but The Caretaker has the added bonus of featuring the best performance of the series thus far from both Jenna Coleman (who has been on sparkling form of late and, here, is even better than ever) and Sam Anderson. It has much dialogue which regularly sparkles - see below - with lots of funny lines for most of the character. Roberts is a writer whose episodes seem to be something of an acquired taste for some of the more shouty end of Doctor Who fandom. Despite Steven Moffat's co-writer credit, nevertheless, this episode is recognisably comparable to Roberts' previous two scripts. In effect, it's a three-character comedy which happens to have a killer robot from outer-space sampled into its aesthetic. And, that's very Gareth Roberts.
'It's Assembly, better get going. Go and worship something!' Seeing Peter Capaldi attempting - and, for the most part, failing - to fit into a (relatively) normal lifestyle and, in the process, completely messing up Clara's neatly ordered OCD world of separation and flirting is, of course, excellent fun. Capaldi is one of the great dry comic actors of his generation in this episode mixing two parts Malcolm Tucker with a healthy dose of Basil Fawlty and more than a bit of Jeremy Clarkson. Which will piss off a few middle-class Gruniad reading hippy Communists no doubt. Good. If Robot Of Sherwood saw Capaldi mainlining his hero, Jon Pertwee, then The Caretaker sees a twelfth Doctor with more than a few similarities to the fourth incarnation, Tom Baker. A man, very literally, out of time. Roberts is terrific at the tricky job of domesticating The Doctor without ever coming close to trivialising him or the apparently-everyday-but-not-really situations in which he gets planted. Royally arch and cantankerous, enigmatic, casually alien (in every sense of the word) almost, but never quite, to the point of disdain, and just a little bit dangerous, Capaldi in The Caretaker, as in the previous five episodes, is absolutely fantastic. And, of course, this is the episode where The Doctor finally gets to meet Danny Pink. Given that The Doctor has already met someone whom, we presume to be, Danny's distant descendant, Orson, one would have perhaps expected this meeting to have been a major part of the plot. Instead, and actually much to The Caretaker's benefit, it's rather glossed over in a very quick reference and then never mentioned again. At least, yet. As for Clara and Danny as a couple, they're still at the 'one day this will all make sense, possibly' stage. It's quite enjoyable to see their relationship developing from the awkwardness of Into The Dalek, Listen and Time-Heist to something really rather charming and, potentially, very funny. Sam Anderson gets to play something with a bit more depth than he has so far, especially during one particularly confrontational moment with The Doctor. And, there's a heroic act which will, hopefully, win Danny plenty more fans. The 'I see wonders' scene between Clara and Danny is particularly effective as are some of the deeper and darker issues the episode touches upon - Clara's perceived thrill-seeking, Danny's deep-rooted Officer Class issues, The Doctor's casual endangering of those around him. One slight oddity this year is The Doctor's sudden bitter and aggressive contempt for the armed forces which doesn't really fit in with someone who, for example, was so close to The Brigadier. To be fair to the production, I suspect they're going somewhere specific with this thread, especially in light of both Danny telling Clara 'I'm the one who carries you out of the fight, he's the one who lights it' and the couple's later conversation about the future ('I trust him, he's never let me down.''If he ever pushes you too far I want you to tell me because I know what that's like'). Nevertheless, for this blogger at least, The Doctor in his dealings with Danny feels strangely off. And, that's the only problem I have with the episodes so far this series.
'Why have you got two jackets? Is one of them faulty?' Aside from a few other members of staff - most of whom seem to be composed, mostly, of cardboard, the only proper guest star for the episode is Ellis George playing the recurring Coal Hill naughty schoolgirl, Courtney, after a brief, blink and you'll miss it previous appearance in Into The Dalek and a scene in which she was talked about - at length - by Clara and Danny in Listen. The presence of child actors in Doctor Who tends to bring out all of the worst crass bullying prejudices in its fandom. For instance, Fear Her's reputation as - by a distance - the worst episode of Doctor Who since the BBC's popular family SF drama returned to TV in 2005 rests, largely, on having such an important part of the slight-to-begin-with story resting on the shoulders of a young actress (Abisola Agbaje) who, simply, couldn't quite manage the necessary strangeness and menace required. Perhaps significantly, episodes which feature child actors prominently - one thinks, recently, of The Rings of Akhaten and Nightmare In Silver - tend to polarise fandom (unfairly in this blogger's opinion in the case of the former though, not so much regarding the latter). The very worst one can say about Ellis is that her performance might not be winning a BAFTA any time soon but, by the same token, it's by no stretch of the imagination bad. And, her two scenes with Capaldi are, actually, really rather good. 'Ah yes, spillage.' Excellent. Director Paul Murphy returns for his second and final episode this year and it's another decently-shot episode with plenty of attractive visual imagery to keep the majority of the audience satisfied. 'What if the kids have questions about maths?''I answer them. I'm a maths teacher.'
'You ask for homework? Amateur!' For an episode set in a location that's been visited so often before, continuity references are there in abundance. There's An Unearthly Child, obviously, and Fury From The Deep and numerous stories since (The Doctor's use of the alias John Smith). There's also The Big Bang and The Angels Take Manhattan ('I've lived among Otters for a month ... River and I had this big fight!'), School Reunion, Human Nature, 42, Listen (Clara's three mirrors), The Underwater Menace (Fish People), Deep Breath ('a thing!' and 'bit intense looking. Did you see those eyebrows?'), Forest of the Dead (the opening of the TARDIS doors with a click of the fingers), The Invasion, The Eleventh Hour (The Doctor's use of a ladder), The Deadly Assassin ('I used to have a teacher exactly like you'), Vincent & The Doctor ('tiny bit boring, I'll need a book an a sandwich'), The Celestial Toymaker (the invisible Doctor), The Empty Child ('let's dance!'), and The End Of The World. Oh, and they have a Chris Addison in Heaven, apparently. That's rather comforting.
'I'm a disruptive influence!' As noted above, the episode's dialogue is a treasure-trove of wonderful delights: 'This school is in danger.''Lucky I'm here, then.''From you. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't an alien threat nearby. Your strategy for dealing with it involves endangering this school.''You don't know that.''I don’t know anything, because you haven’t told me anything. Which means I wouldn't approve. Which means you're endangering this school.' And: 'You recognise me, then?''You're wearing a different coat.''You saw straight through that!' And: 'Where's Latif? What have you done with him?''He's fine. Hypnotised. Thinks he's got the 'flu. Also, a flying car and three wives. It's going to be a rude awakening!' And: 'The walls need sponging and there's a sinister bottle!' And: 'Human beings are not otters.''Exactly, it'll be even easier!' This is an episode chock-full of truly sublime one-liners ('He's a soldier! Why go out with a soldiers? Why not get a dog or a big plant?' And: 'I suppose she was your bezzy-mate, was she? And you went on holiday together and then you got kidnapped by Boggans from space ... and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly?''No, I read the book, there's a biog at the back!' ) The Caretaker is deep and rich in its clever wit and sarky digs at a few sacred cows. Like, 'The world is full of PE teachers.' And: 'We have to talk about The Tempest.' And: 'Go home and canoodle. Doctor's orders!' And: 'Of course we won't starve, the sand piranhas will get us long before that.' And: 'I'll be sure to have a wash.''Excellent, I was meaning to bring it up.' And: The door, it says "Keep Out"'. 'No, it says "Go Away Humans!"''Oh, so it does.' And: 'What;s a policeman without a Death Ray!' And: 'Don't you have shoplifting to go to?' And: 'Why do I keep you around?''Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own!' And: 'So, your insanely dangerous plan is ...? A new watch? Tiny bit disappointed.' And: 'You're a space woman. You said you were from Blackpool!' And: 'How stupid do you think I'm am?''I'm willing to put a number on it!' And: 'He's not The Caretaker, he's your dad. Your space dad!' And: 'You've made a boyfriend error!' And: 'I may have a vacancy. But not right now.' And: 'So, there's an alien that used to look like Adrian and then her turned into a Scottish Caretaker ...'

'On balance, I think that went quite well!'The Caretaker , then, is a funny, smart, sharp little exercise in doing what Doctor Who did all the way back in its very first episode and has done, intermittently, ever since - bringing the extraordinary to the mundane and trivially twatty world we all tread in every day. 'Your gadget isn't ready yet, twenty four hours you said.''Yes, well, I've revised that down to two minutes, probably!' It's not the best episode of the series so far in fact, perhaps because of the small-scale nature thing as compared to something as big, bold and dramatic as Listen, it could actually be the ... least best. But it's got many things going for it, chief among which are the performances of the central trio. It's funny without every being flippant and serious in all the places that it needs to be. Earlier this week yer actual Keith Telly Topping happened to be at an event with a couple of friends who are also Doctor Who fans of long-standing; not 'capital F' fans, these but, rather, the kind of viewer the show has in its millions. People who have grown up and stuck with the show through the thick and the thin and the thick again and are now at the stage of watching it with their own children in the way they did themselves when they were six, or eight, or ten. Or twenty five. Both agreed with yer actual Keith Telly Topping that, to a greater or lesser degree, they had enjoyed all five of the episodes thus far this series and they were, frankly, shocked at some of the things I was telling them about the online reactions of a handful of sour-faced malcontents in The Special People to, especially, Robot Of Sherwood and, to a lesser extent, Time-Heist. Their surprise was pitched somewhere between 'there are people - beside you! - who take it that seriously?' and 'well, it's their loss, I loved it.' So, this review is for Bill and Samantha. Hope you both got as much out of The Caretaker as this blogger did. Which was forty five minutes of properly decent Saturday night entertainment as a significantly better alternative to watching paint dry. To ask any more is, frankly, selfish. 'He did just save the whole world.''Yeah. Good start.' Next week, by the look of things, they're doing Alien!
Space and time folded back on themselves this week as former Doctor Who companion Jo Grant – the delightful Katy Manning – visited the set of Doctor Who to recreate an iconic image from the classic series with yer actual Peter Capaldi. Manning and Capaldi's dramatic pose in front of the TARDIS console echoed one from her tenure alongside Jon Pertwee – right down to the Time Lord's red-lined coat.
Judging by her Twitter feed, Katy loved every minute of her day out – 'a wonder visit to a familiar place that always smells the same!' The perks of being a former companion didn't end with the visit, either. Katy was treated to a sneak peek at the upcoming Christmas special which had just completed filming.

Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch his very self has described the next series of Sherlock as 'phenomenal.' The hit BBC drama will return for a Christmas special next year, with a three-part series to follow early in 2016. 'I can't give any plot away but their pitch for the Christmas special and the series beyond that is just phenomenal,' yer man Benny told Empire. 'We've never seen [Sherlock] being really pressed yet, so that will be interesting.' The EMMY winner also confirmed that he is keen to make more Sherlock series beyond the next four episodes. 'I'd like us to finish on a high, but we'll do it until we don't want to do it any more,' he added. 'As long as the ideas are still there and the audience still wants it. I'd love to do it into old age, I really would.' The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) previously promised that he and Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss his very self have a 'devastating' plan in place for the forthcoming fourth series.
Paul O'Grady topped Thursday's overnight ratings outside of soaps for ITV, dear blog reader. Which is, frankly, a truly shocking indictment of ... something or other. Don't come running to yer actual Keith telly Topping looking for an answer to such bizarre malarkey and shenanigans. For The Love Of Dogs appealed to an average audience of 4.32 million viewers at 8.30pm. Later, the finale of ITV's latest flop drama, Chasing Shadows, was seen by 2.81m at 9pm. Chances of a second series of that one? Don't hold your breath I'd've said. On BBC1, Your Home In Their Hands attracted 2.83m at 8pm, followed by Reggie Yates's episode of Who Do You Think You Are? with 3.64m at 9pm. Question Time attracted 2.16m at 10.35pm. BBC2's Jungle Atlantis gathered 1.61m at 8pm, while the Toby Jones drama Marvellous brought in 1.52m at 9pm. Channel Four's Location, Location, Location drew 1.50m at 8pm, followed by Educating The East End with 1.38m at 9pm and Gordon Ramsay's Costa Del Nightmares with eight hundred and two thousand punters at 10pm. On Channel Five, Armed & Dangerous interested seven hundred and thirty six thousand at 8pm, while Never Teach Your Wife To Drive was seen by seven hundred and twenty three thousand at 9pm.

Strictly Come Dancing won its overnight ratings battle with The X Factor on Friday. On a generally low-key Friday in terms of ratings across all channels, the BBC1 dancing competition, which saw six couples take to the floor, was seen by an average audience of 6.53 million at 9pm. The X Factor, which also started at 9pm on ITV, was seen by an average overnight audience of 5.28 million. Strictly peaked with 6.67 million, while The X Factor peaked with 5.6 million. It was one of the lowest X Factor overnight audiences since the show's launch in 2004 although the figure was still double ITV's usual figure for that Friday night slot. ITV claimed that it had broadcast a Friday edition of the show because its Sunday schedule was 'too full' to show the full 'boot camp' stage. One or two people even believed them. BBC1's evening kicked off with 3.39 million for The ONE Show at 7pm, followed by 3.2 million for A Question Of Sport and EastEnders with 6.35 million. Would I Lie To You? was seen by 3.33 million at 8.30pm, while the first in a new series of The Graham Norton Show entertained 3.14 million at 10.35pm. Gino's Italian Escape: A Taste Of The Sun picked up 2.38 million at 8pm on ITV whilst Coronation Street had the highest overnight audience of the night with 6.92 million. On BBC2, Mastermind played to nine hundred and ninety thousand at 7pm, followed by one million viewers for Lorraine Pascale: How To Be A Better Cook. Gardeners' World was watched by an evening high for the channel of 2.32 million at 8pm, while footage from the first day of The Ryder Cup had an audience of 1.57 million from 8.30pm until 10pm. The latest episode of Mock The Week attracted 1.38 million at 10pm. The return of Gogglebox was Channel Four's highest-rated show with 1.89 million at 8pm. Elsewhere, The Million Pound Drop was seen by one million at 8pm, while Alan Carr: Chatty Man played to nine hundred and twenty thousand.
The Mirra Group has coughed up thirty grand in phone-hacking related damages to the former England football manager Sven-Goran Eriksson and to the Doctor Who actor Christopher Eccleston his very self. The figures were revealed at the High Court on Friday, alongside other settlements. Ex-footballer Garry Flitcroft's claim was settled for twenty grand, while David and Victoria Beckham's former nanny Abbie Gibson received fifteen thousand smackers. The court also heard the newspaper group was facing 'many more actions.'The details emerged in a document prepared by Matthew Nicklin QC, counsel for MGN, during the fifth case management conference in the litigation case. At the start of Friday's proceedings David Sherborne, representing claimants in the action, told the judge there were twenty eight claims registered and pending. Sherborne added that there were 'many more actions' which have been, or were soon to be, issued. Other settlements revealed in court included the 'celebrity agent' Phil Dale, who received fifteen thousand knicker. Christie Roche, the wife of the actor Shane Richie, settled for the same amount. Earlier this week, Trinity Mirra admitted for the first time - and, after years of denials - that some of its journalists were involved in phone-hacking. It admitted naughty liability and said that it would pay compensation to a further four people who had sued the company for the alleged hacking of their voicemails. They were entertainer Shane Richie his very self, the Coronation Street actress Shobna Gulati, Lucy Benjamin and the BBC's creative director Alan Yentob. All four also received a grovelling apology. In July, Trinity Mirra said that it had set aside four million quid to deal with civil claims over phone-hacking. Whether that's going to be enough is a different entirely. The company publishes titles including the Daily Mirra, Sunday Mirra and the Sunday People.
Convicted groper - and right bad 'un - Dave Lee Travis has been spared a taste of Richard III and given a suspended prison sentence of three months for indecently assaulting a woman in 1995. Essentially, by sticking his Hairy Cornflake where it didn't ought to be, as it were. The sixty nine-year-old very naughty man had been found extremely guilty by a jury of attacking the woman, who was then working as a researcher on The Mrs Merton Show. The Judge, Anthony Leonard told the dirty old scallywag and convicted criminal Travis: 'It was an intentional and unpleasant sexual assault.' Travis had previously been cleared of additional charges of a 1990 indecent assault and a 2008 sexual assault. He was being retried for these two charges after jurors could not reach a verdict at a trial earlier this year, during which he was also cleared of twelve further indecent assault charges. The convicted groper Travis, a former Top Of The Pops presenter, cornered the woman in the corridor of a BBC television studio where she was smoking and commented on her 'poor little lungs' before squeezing her breasts for, she estimated, between ten and fifteen seconds. In a victim impact statement, which was read out at London's Southwark Crown Court ahead of his sentencing, the victim said: 'I was a naive and trusting twenty two-year-old when I was subjected to an unprovoked and terrifying physical assault at my place of work. I was too paralysed with fear to confront my assailant.' The woman said that she felt lucky that she was 'physically resilient' enough to get on with her life 'thanks largely to my colleagues.' She said that the process of remembering the incident still took her back to 'feeling like a scared, vulnerable young woman. Being called a liar and fantasist and being forced to recall the evidence in court has been painful,' she said. The woman, who chose to retain her anonymity, told the court that she would not claim compensation 'now or in the future. I simply wanted to tell the truth,' she said. The victim had told the court how Travis groped her for a 'weird sexual thrill.' She fled to her boss, the BBC producer Peter Kessler, and told him: 'Oh my God, Dave Lee Travis just grabbed my tits.' The woman has since become a successful entertainer and admitted in court that she has spoken publicly about the convicted groper Travis's wandering hands as part of her stage act. She said that she had added humour to make it 'palatable for the audience' and defended her choice, saying that it was 'a positive and healthy way' for her to cope with the assault. Judge Leonard - who suspended Travis's sentence for two years - said: 'It was an intentional and unpleasant sexual assault. You took advantage of a young woman in a vulnerable position whose job it was to look after you that day.' However, the judge said the prosecution's case that Travis had 'a propensity to commit indecent assaults' had 'not been made out.' Outside the court, convicted groper Travis had plenty to say for himself and still continued to loudly protest his innocence, 'bleating' a 'self-pitying triade' according to the Mirra. Several media outlets are also reporting that the convicted groper Travis may now be facing one or more private prosecutions over further allegations of sexual misconduct. Allegations which the convicted groper Travis denies.

The Whom have unveiled their first new song in eight years as they mark their fiftieth anniversary. 'Be Lucky' includes lyrical references to Australian rockers AC/DC and the French electro duo Daft Punk and will be included in a double CD featuring the group's greatest hits. Of which there are loads. As, indeed, there are loads of The Whom's Greatest Hits compilations - this blogger his very self has at least five. The band will donate royalties from the new song to The Teenage Cancer Trust of which they have been significant supporters during the last decade. One of the most influential rock bands of the Twentieth Century, and a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping from an early age, their hits include 'My Generation', 'I Can See For Miles', 'Magic Bus', 'Won't Get Fooled Again', 'Pinball Wizard', 'Substitute' and so on and so on for the next four pages. Earlier this year, surviving members Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend announced they would play a tour, which starts in the UK in November, to mark their fifty years in the industry. It will (apart from the 1989 tour) be the first time since 1979 that yer actual Keith Telly Topping hasn't seen them on a tour of the UK. Mainly, because the tickets are so bloody expensive. Daltrey described the tour as 'the beginning of the long goodbye.' Mind you, they've been saying that since 1979 as well! Recorded at British Grove and Yellow Fish Studios, 'Be Lucky' features long-time collaborators Zak Starkey on drums and Pino Palladino on bass. In a statement on their website, The Whom said: 'In keeping with their ongoing support for Teenage Cancer charities, the band have donated their royalties from the song to Teen Cancer America.' Daltrey was instrumental in founding the Teenage Cancer Trust gigs at the Royal Albert Hall in London in 2000. In April, Daltrey was presented with the outstanding contribution prize at the Music Week awards for his work with the Teenage Cancer Trust. The Goddman Modfather his very self Paul Weller praised Daltrey's 'tireless, fantastic work' for a 'very worthwhile charity.' The Whom were formed, initially as The Detours, by Daltrey, Townshend and bassist the late John Entwistle whilst they were still at school in Shepherd's Bush in 1960. They were joined by drummer the late Keith Moon before recording their first single, 'I'm The Face' as The High Numbers in 1964. They had their first hit, 'I Can't Explain' in 1965. Moon died of a drug overdose in 1978 and Entwistle of a drug-induced heart attack in 2002 whilst in bed in a hotel in Vegas with two hookers, a bottle of brandy and a nose full of Charlie. If you're gonna go, dear blog reader, that's the way to do it.

King of the Mods Sir Bradley Wiggins clinched his first road world title with a thrilling time trial victory at the World Championships in Ponferrada earlier this week. The thirty four-year-old beat three-time champion Tony Martin by twenty six seconds on a hilly forty seven kilometre course in Spain. After finishing second to Martin in 2011 and 2013, Wiggins finally has a rainbow jersey on the road to go with the six he has won on the track. 'I knew coming into it that I had the legs,' Wiggo said afterwards. 'Once I saw the course I realised if I was ever going to beat Tony again it was on a course like this. It's been an up and down year - obviously I didn't ride the Tour de France. I want to dedicate this to my family because they had to put up with me when I was at home in July. It's my last Road World Championships and I've finished with a gold medal.'Martin trailed Wiggins by 9.64 seconds at the final time-check and the Briton extended his lead in the final twelve kilometres. Wiggins clocked fifty six minutes twenty five seconds to claim a convincing win over Martin, who was chasing a fourth-successive title. Tom Dumoulin of the Netherlands finished third. 'I knew it would be difficult on the final loop, but I paced it perfectly and still had pace in the final few kilometres,' Wiggins explained. 'On my last descent, I heard on the radio that I was ten seconds up but I pushed all the way to the line because I did not want to take any risks.' Bradley collapsed to the ground in exhaustion at the finish line but recovered to raise his thumb in celebration when Martin crossed the line. Victory in North-West Spain gives the 2012 Tour de France winner a world time trial title to go with his three national titles and gold at the London Olympics in the discipline. 'To add the world title is just fantastic. Now I've got the set,' added Wiggins. It is the perfect end to a patchy year on the road and track for Brad, who won the Tour of California in May, but then missed out on Team Sky selection for the Tour de France and had to settle for silver in the velodrome in the team pursuit at the Glasgow Commonwealth Games. His success means he becomes the first British rider to take world time trial gold since Chris Boardman in the inaugural race in 1994. Wiggins has announced that he intends to return to the track for the Rio Olympics in 2016 and also hopes to attempt to break the hour record set by Germany's Jens Voigt last week.

On Thursday evening yer actual Keith Telly Topping attended Uncle Scunthorpe's latest splendid Record Player at the Tyneside. This week, it was a totally grungetastic noise-off a'tween yer actual Doolittle and It's A Shame About Ray its very self. Which, of course, Pixies won by two falls and a submission. Therefore, Keith Telly Topping's 33(s) of the Day are, firstly, this twenty four carat masterpiece.
And then, this little pop gem.

Strictly Come Dancing beat The X Factor in their weekend ratings battle, drawing more overnight viewers on both Friday and Saturday evenings than its rival, the Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's vanity project. Strictly had a Friday overnight average of 6.5m viewers as it went head-to-head with the ITV show, which drew a surprisingly low 5.8m. Strictly also topped primetime overnights of Saturday with more than eight million viewers. The BBC1 dancing competition was watched by 8.18m from 7pm, with the latest Doctor Who episode The Caretaker taking 4.89m in the later slot of 8:30pm to accommodate the return of Strictly - almost exactly the same figure for the BBC's popular family SF drama as the previous week. Once again, as with all five episodes so far this series, expect a two million or so timeshift to take that figure up to somewhere around seven million on final and consolidated ratings. The Caretaker, incidentally, had an AI score of eighty three. Casualty continued with 3.98m from 9.15pm, before The National Lottery Live had 3.04m. On ITV, The X Factor was watched by 7.34m from 8pm. Strictly's Saturday show was down by around a million viewers on the overnight 9.2m audience that tuned in to see the equivalent episode last year. The X Factor was screened on a Friday for the first time and that episode's figure was one of the smallest overnight audiences the talent contest has had since it launched in 2004 - though it was still double ITV's usual figure in that particular slot. Elsewhere on ITV on Saturday, The Chase attracted 3.39m in the 7pm hour and the risible Through the Keyhole was gawped at by 3.23m sad crushed victims of society from 9.20pm. On BBC2, Restoring England's Heritage drew six hundred and forty one thousand from 7pm and The Culture Show featuring an interview with Hilary Mantel was seen by four hundred and eighty three thousand from 7.30pm. Highlights of the second day of The Ryder Cup appealed to 1.72m from 8.30pm. Channel Four broadcast the Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Peña drama End Of Watch to four hundred and fifty one thousand from 9.15pm. The Mel Gibson war drama The Patriot was watched by six hundred and seventy eight thousand from 8.30pm on Channel Five. On the multichannels, Boardwalk Empire continued with seventy nine thousand from 9pm on Sky Atlantic.

The X Factor bounced back in the overnight ratings on Sunday evening, however. The ITV talent show's Boot Camp stage rose by around two hundred thousand viewers from the previous Sunday to an average of 8.5 million at 8pm. Downton Abbey dropped around four hundred thousand punters from the previous week's series opener to 7.71m at 9pm. Earlier, Sunday Night At The Palladium was watched by 4.13m at 7pm. On BBC1, Countryfile appealed to 5.32m at 7pm, followed by Antiques Roadshow with 4.68m at 8pm. Lacey Turner's Our Girl continued with 3.73m at 9pm. BBC2's Ryder Cup coverage scored 1.86m at 7.30pm as Europe gave them Yankies a damned good shellacking, while a repeat of Mock The Week had an audience of nine hundred and eighty five thousand at 9.30pm. On Channel Four, Operation Maneater was seen by six hundred and forty four thousand at 8pm, followed by the movie Magic Mike with eight hundred and sixty eight thousand at 9pm. Channel Five's broadcast of Gone In Sixty Seconds appealed to seven hundred and seventy seven thousand at 9pm.

Here are the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty Fouro programmes for week-ending Sunday 21 September 2014:-
1= The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 10.28m
1= Downton Abbey - Sun ITV - 10.28m
3 The X Factor - Sat ITV - 9.70m
4 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.20m
5 Cilla - Mon ITV - 7.85m
6 EastEnders - Tues BBC1 - 7.40m
7 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 6.99m
8= New Tricks - Mon BBC1 - 5.47m
8= Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 5.47m*
10= Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 5.39m
10= Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.39m
12 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 5.50m
13 Our Girl - Sun BBC1 - 5.22m
14 Our Zoo - Wed BBC1 - 5.21m
15 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.02m
16 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.80m
17 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.78m
18 Scott & Bailey - Wed ITV - 4.74m*
19 DIY SOS: The Big Build - Thurs BBC1 - 4.69m
20 Six O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 4.58m
21 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.17m
22 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 3.90m
23 Formula 1: The German Grand Prix Highlights - Sun BBC1 - 3.86m
24 UEFA Champions League Live - Tues ITV - 3.84m
ITV programmes marked '*' do not include include HD figures. As mentioned, Doctor Who's final figure included a timeshift over the initial 'live' audience of over two million viewers for the fifth week running. It's final figure was just seven thousand short of hitting the seven million mark for the fifth week running as well. Sunday evening's episode of The X Factor had a final rating of 9.35 million viewers. Friday's Would I Lie To You? on BBC1 drew 3.53 million, three hundred thousand up on the previous episode. As mentioned last week, ITV's current batch of dramas continued to pull in unexpectedly low figures. The impressive Cilla aside, Scott & Bailey is well down on its last series, whilst the latest episode of Chasing Shadows was watched by 3.18 million. BBC2's top rated programme of the week was The Motorway: Life In The Fast Lane with 2.75m, followed by University Challenge (2.66m), The Great British Bake-Off: An Extra Slice (2.54m) and Gardener's World (2.13m). Only Connect attracted 2.03m. Channel Four's highest-rated show was Educating The East End (2.10m) followed by Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown (two million viewers). Channel Five's best performer was CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with 1.94m. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's best performer with nine hundred and sixty nine thousand. Big Hits: Top Of The Pops 1964 To 1975 drew BBC4's biggest audience of the week (eight hundred and fifteen thousand). Family Guy was BBC3's most watched show with 1.08m.

Cilla held steady in the ratings for its final episode on Monday, overnight data suggests. The three-part ITV biopic of Cilla Black her very self rose to 6.03 million overnight viewers at 9pm. Earlier, The Undriveables was seen by 2.60m at 8pm. On BBC1, Inside Out appealed to 3.52m at 7.30pm, while Panorama brought in 2.33m at 8.30pm. New Tricks continued with 4.60m at 9pm. BBC2's University Challenge had an audience of 2.83m at 8pm, followed by Only Connect with 2.03m at 8.30pm. An excellent Horizon featuring Michael Mosley and Alice Roberts pulled in 1.48m viewers at 9pm, while Never Mind The Buzzcocks returned with new host Rhod Gilbert and an average audience of 1.11m at 10pm. Evan Davis's debut as lead presenter of Newsnight attracted an average of five hundred thousand viewers, almost half the number who witnessed Jeremy Paxman's swansong. On Channel Four, Jamie's Rotten, Risible Comfort Food attracted 1.17m at 8pm. Gadget Man garnered 1.04m at 8.30pm. New series Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody drew 1.62m at 9pm, followed by Jon Richardson Grows Up with five hundred and thirty two thousand at 10.30pm. Channel Five's Ultimate Police Interceptors was seen by seven hundred and forty seven thousand punters at 8pm. Too Tough To Teach interested six hundred and fourteen thousand at 9pm whilst Under The Dome was watched by five hundred and fifty nine thousand at 10pm.

Kevin Whately, star of detective series Lewis, has said there will be one more series of the long-running drama - whether that's one more after the series they've already filmed but is yet to be shown or not, the article didn't specify. Speaking to the Radio Times, the actor said: 'Everything has a life span and I think it's gone on long enough.' The sixty three-year-old added that he is now older than John Thaw when he died in 2002. Robbie Lewis, of course, started out as the partner of Thaw's titular character in Inspector Morse, which clocked up seven series and five specials between 1987 and 2000. 'I suppose it's a sentimental thing but I wouldn't want to do more Lewis than we did Morse because I do still think of it as an offshoot,' added Kevin of the ITV serial. 'It's a long time to play one character, but sometimes it only feels like yesterday that we started.' Whately, who has appeared in a host of other TV shows including Auf Wiedersehen, Pet and Peak Practice, said that he wanted Lewis to have a young female Muslim sidekick, but the programme's producers 'pooh-poohed the idea.' His crime-solving partner in the drama is played by Laurence Fox. Fox said of Lewis: 'I don't really understand why people like it. I mean, I'm really grateful that they do, but I've never quite worked it out.' The drama first came to screens in 2006, while another Morse spin-off, Endeavour, which looks at the early career of the detective, started in 2012. Lewis came to an apparent end early last year - indeed, ITV all but stated that no further episodes would be made - with the retirement of its two lead characters. But, seemingly, they've both been drafted back into the force, spawning the new series which begins on 10 October. In it, Whately and Fox will be joined by series regulars Clare Holman and Rebecca Front and a new character, Lizzie Maddox, played by Angela Griffin.

Claudia Whersherface has responded to criticism over her Strictly Come Dancing hairstyle. And once again, dear blog reader, let us simply marvel in awe at the utter shite that some people chose to care about. In a tweet, the presenter hinted that her original fringe style will be making a return. 'No fringe equals bad. Fringe equals good. Consider it done,' she stated. Right. And this is news, apparently.

Yer actual Jim Broadbent and Vanessa Redgrave her very self have joined the cast of the BBC's adaptation of The Go-Between. Broadbent will play the older Leo, while Redgrave will star as the older Marian in the ninety-minute adaptation of the classic LP Hartley novel. It will be familiar territory for Oscar-winner Broadbent who, as a twenty one year old student about to go off to drama school, made his first film appearance as an uncredited extra in the 1971 film adaptation. The actor said: 'Having been an extra in the first adaptation of The Go-Between in 1971, I was thrilled to be asked to be in this new version. It is a tremendous novel and Adrian Hodges's script captures it perfectly.' Joanna Vanderham, Stephen Campbell Moore, Ben Batt and Lesley Manville will also star in the adaptation which is currently filming.

John Simm and David Threlfall will lead the cast of ITV drama Code Of A Killer. The crime drama is based on the true story of Alec Jeffreys' discovery of DNA fingerprinting and its use by Detective Chief Superintendent David Baker in bringing a double murderer to justice. Simm stars Jeffreys who discovered the DNA fingerprinting technique while working at Leicester University in 1984. Threlfall plays Baker, who headed up a double murder investigation in the mid-1980s with the help of Jeffreys' discovery. James Strong (whose work on Broadchurch, United and Doctor Who this blogger is great admirer of) will direct, while the screenplay is written by Michael Crompton with input from Professor Sir Alec Jeffreys and former Detective Chief Superintendent David Baker their very selves. Filming for Code Of A Killer is due to begin at the end of September. Sounds great.

Samantha Morton, Tahar Rahim and yer actual John Hurt are to lead the cast of new crime drama The Last Panthers. Sky Atlantic will team up with Canal+ for the series, which focuses around the pursuit of stolen goods following a diamond heist. Morton plays a determined loss adjustor, while Hurt stars as her disreputable boss. Rahim plays a French-Algerian policeman also in pursuit of the diamonds. The director of Sky Atlantic, Zai Bennett, the arsehole who cancelled Ideal when he was in charge of BBC3 let's remember, claimed: 'As Sky continues to invest in more original programming, The Last Panthers is the perfect series to add to Sky Atlantic's exciting drama slate. It has all the ingredients to ensure our customers will love it and it will flourish on the channel - on and off screen world-class talent combined with a gripping and thought provoking story.' But, frankly, if Zai Bennett - a man who once commissioned a reality show from Kerry Katona when he was at ITV2 - told me black was darker than white I'd still want a second opinion from someone who knew what they were talking about. Nevertheless, The Last Panthers does sound rather good with that cast, and will be broadcast on Sky Atlantic in the UK, Ireland and Germany in 2015.

It's not as good as it used to be before Tim Vine left the cast, admittedly, but nevertheless Not Going Out will return for its seventh series next month. BBC1 has confirmed that the new series of the channel's current longest-running sitcom will launch on Friday 17 October. Yer actual Lee Mack and Sally Bretton her very self will return as flatmates Lee and Lucy in the ten-part series, along with Katy Wix as Daisy and Bobby Ball as Lee's father. Hugh Dennis and Abigail Cruttenden join the cast as Lee and Lucy's new neighbours, Toby and Anna, who soon struggle to deal with sharing a building with Mack and Bretton's characters. As you would. During the series, Lee and Daisy appear on the quiz show Pointless, while the season finale - a Christmas special - will finally reveal if Lucy and Lee will get together.

Coronation Street actress Anne Kirkbride is to take an extended break from the long-running soap, producers have confirmed. Kirkbride, who made her first appearance in 1972, is expected to be absent from the show for up to three months. A spokeswoman for the production said that they were 'happy' to grant Kirkbride a break from her role. The sixty-year-old remained on-screen during the absence of her character's husband Ken, played by William Roache. The actor resumed his work on the soap in June, five months after he was cleared of rape and indecent assault charges. This came more than a year after Roache's arrest when he was initially written out of the programme. During his trial, Kirkbride was among a number of Coronation Street cast and crew who took the witness stand in Roache's defence. Kirkbride's character shored up the Barlow family during Roache's lengthy absence from Weatherfield, explaining that he had gone to Canada to look after his ill grandson, Adam. The makers of Coronation Street have not disclosed the specific reasons for Kirkbride's request for an extended leave of absence.

And, on that bombshell, here's your next batch of Top Telly Tips:-

Saturday 4 October
'HellO Earth, we have a terrible decision to make. An innocent life versus the future of all mankind.' It's another typical day in the TARDIS as The Doctor, Clara and Courtney arrive in the near future on a run-down space shuttle heading for the moon in Kill The Moon, the latest episode of Doctor Who - 8:30 BBc1. Crash-landing on the surface, the travellers are confronted with the sight of a mining base full of corpses - whilst vicious, spider-like creatures wait in the dark, ready to attack. So, Alien basically. Terrific. But, just when she needs him the most, Clara is left wondering whether The Doctor really is a good man after all - or even her friend. Yet Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self star in the long-running family SF drama adventure, with Sam Anderson, the great Hermione Norris (Cold Feet, Wire In The Blood, [spooks]) and - one for the nostalgia brigade - Porridge's Tony Osoba, who appeared alongside both Tom Baker and Sylvester McCoy's Doctors Destiny Of The Daleks (1979) and Dragonfire (1989). Written by Wallander's Peter Harness.
Many public schoolboys get together to form a rock and/or roll band, but few of them go on to become multi-million-selling recording artistes despite making truly turgid, earache inducing hippy drivel shite that evaporates on contact with the brain. But that's exactly what happened to Genesis. Especially the latter part, as we discover in Genesis: Together & Apart - 9:15 BBC2. Did we really fight The Punk Wars for this, dear blog reader? Its core members - Peter Gabriel, Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks - met at Charterhouse, a very public school in Surrey for the sons of stockbrokers and began playing together with other students in 1967. Playing music that is, of course. Because public schoolboys 'playing together' in other ways -  cricket, for example - had been already going on for some time previously. Anyway, a few years and some personnel changes later (including the addition of guitarist Steve Hackett and balding drummer and Tory arsehole Phil Collins) and the 'classic' line-up was in place. But, relationships within the band were always fraught; Gabriel left for an - occasionally interesting - solo career in 1975 which would lead to a few really good hit singles, duets with Kate Bush and a memorable parody by Simon Day. Rutherford, Collins, Banks and Hackett carried on without him (until Hackett left two years later). Here, they're all back together again to discuss their careers in depth and with lots of pretension. Rare archive footage helps tell the story. But, a tip - play it with the sound down whenever there's any singing. Some years ago, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping bought himself a copy of Genesis's 1974 Genesis Live LP on cassette. for reasons which probably made sense at the time (it was probably a phase he was going through). He still has it and keeps the copy on top of the PC especially so that if he ever starts getting highfalutin, vainglorious ideas above his station he is able to look at that cassette and say to himself 'you once paid good money for that, you complete bell-end', thus keeping his feet firmly on the ground and his ego comfortably in check. True story. Although, he does confess he quite likes bits of The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway. And quite a bit of Duke. Oh, an 'Supper's Ready'. And 'Follow You, Follow Me'. But that'sall. Honest. Never trust a hippy, dear blog reader.

A concerned woman knocks on the vicar's door on Christmas Eve and announces that her husband is missing in the sixth and final episode of the Swedish period crime drama Crimes Of Passion - 9:00 BBC4. When the man in question is subsequently found extremely murdered, the vicarage and the village are soon teeming with press photographers, forensic experts and, of course, the police. Which, in Sweden in the 1950s essentially means Christer Wijk and his, ahem, 'friend' Puck. Who, isn't actually a police officer but who, nevertheless, finds herself allowed to waltz into just about every crime scene and investigation in the country like she owns the gaff. Very soon they are busy turning yuletide in a peaceful, snowy village into a Christmas that no one will ever forget. Starring Tuva Novotny, Ola Rapace and Linus Wahlgren.
Blitz: London's Firestorm - 8:00 More4 -is a properly excellent documentary using dramatic reconstructions and CGI to depict the most catastrophic night of bombing in London during the Second World War. Tens of thousands of incendiary devices fell on the city during the attack on 29 December 1940 - an assault which Hitler (who only had one) hoped would break the British people's resolve. But, of course, it didn't. Already accustomed to raids, most fled for shelters and the Underground when the bombardment started - but emerged the next morning to find that many had died in the attack.

Sunday 5 October
You're never far away from a repeat episode of QI XL these days, especially on Dave. But, new episodes have been harder to locate since the end of last year. Until now, the start of a new series - 10:30 BBC2. So, fans of Quite Interesting panel shows should be rejoicing in the streets as yer actual Stephen Fry returns for a brand new series of the extended edition. We're now up to the letter L. That's quite a broad base for the guests to tackle, but the question master tonight narrows it down slightly by concentrating on the animal kingdom, taking in everything from lonely whales to larval locomotives. Showing off their knowledge of all things natural are the comedians Wor Geet Canny Sarah Millican and Wor Geet Canny Ross Noble plus dry Aussie funny man Colin Lane. All three have all been on the show before, of course, so should know the drill by now. But just in case they need anything explaining to them, Alan Davies is also present and (hopefully) occasionally correct. Though, I wouldn't bank on it. Of course, it isn't long before it all starts to get properly filthy. As usual, Stephen asks a perfectly innocent question about the sound that a lonely whale makes and the ensuing banter suddenly spirals off into ... well, you get the idea. Fry, whose obsession with gadgetry matches his love of language, also gets to demonstrate how a fish can drive a tank. 'What has thirty two brains and sucks?' Stephen asks at one point. 'The front row' Alan replies. God, it's good to have it back.

Of all BBC4's lid-lifting documentaries about light entertainers, The Secret Life Of Bob Monkhouse - 9:00 - is perhaps the finest. Monkhouse didn't take entertaining lightly at all: the crux of this film is the revelation that his house was full of an archive of cine film, VHS tapes and other memorabilia, charting not just his own career but those of many others too. Monkhouse was an obsessive, lifelong student of the art of comedy, always wanting to know how performers had chosen this word or that phrasing, how they'd finessed their act to make the most important sound in the world, the laugh from the audience, that little bit louder and richer. As he memorably once said 'When I told them I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed. Well, they're not laughing now.' Bob's - full house, if you will - collection included many films and TV broadcasts long thought to be lost. Yet the real joy of this programme, first shown in January 2011, is in getting to know Monkhouse and his humble dedication. For him, comedy was life. Told through the archive of films, TV shows, letters and memorabilia that he left behind after his death in 2003, contributors include Ronnie Corbett, Barry Cryer and Michael Grade. And Lenny Henry who, himself, was last funny in about 1983.

Molly and Smurf return to the UK for rest leave, but with their comrades facing a big threat in Afghanistan, they find it hard to switch off and settle into life back home in Our Girl - 9:00 BBC1. A bit like Martin Sheen's character in Apocalypse, Now, if you will. Though, obviously, not as well acted. As Molly finds Smurf is the only one who understands how she feels, their friendship eventually deepens into something more serious - but then he makes a declaration which could ruin everything. Before long, they are back in the field, where Molly comes under threat from an old enemy. Military drama, starring Lacey Turner and Iwan Rheon.

When it comes to the opposite sex, Lady Mary is a little ahead of her time in Downton Abbey - 9:00 ITV. A foreign diplomat died in her bed during the first series and, following the death of her husband, she's since been involved in a bizarre love triangle. Now, she's getting up to all manner of naughty mischief and hanky panky with Lord Gillingham. It's supposed to be a secret, but her cover story is almost blown - until not usually loyal and unappreciated Violet saves the day. It seems that the battle axe may have more reason than most to sympathise with her granddaughter's position when a face from her past reappears, hinting at a hidden past of her own. Gosh. Meanwhile, Carson is dismissive of Mrs Patmore's latest problem, Branson receives a proposition about the estate's future and the circumstances of nasty valet Green's demise are scrutinised - again. Also, a character farts during dinner and is forced by the etiquette of the day to go outside and shoot himself. No, sorry, that's an episode of Ripping Yarns. Easily makes to make. Period, class obsessed, drama from the word processor of Lord Snotty.

Monday 6 October
Steve McAndrew brings his dying father to London so he can spend his final days in a nearby hospice in the latest episode of New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. But, how much time he can spend with his dad is anyone's guess - the UCoS team is hard at work investigating the cold case murder of fifty five-year-old interpreter, Agnes Bradley. A DNA sample provides a link to a rebellious teenager and the team wonders if the killer could be related to him. But a whole new can of worms is soon opened when investigators discover that the young man's mother was raped - could the same person have killed Agnes? Gerry and Steve hope that interviewing her friends from a local chess club may shed new light on the matter, but it's a possible professional issue that could hold the key to unlocking the mystery. Denis Lawson, Dennis Waterman, Nicholas Lyndhurst and Tamzin Outhwaite star with a guest appearance by the great Ian Hogg.

The Kitchen - 9:00 BBC2 - is a new documentary series following eight very different households in their kitchens, as they cook, eat and share their lives. It's late August in this first instalment, and cameras observe the Barry-Powers blended family in Cardiff, as mum Louise struggles to meet the culinary demands of five children, while the Harrars in Staffordshire get passionate about their Punjabi recipes, and single mother Sue Evans and her grown-up daughter Ginny try to keep 10-year-old Gabriel amused in Birmingham. The activities of fitness fanatics Matt, Dave and Xanthi, pensioners Marilyn and Wilfred, the Garbutts family, the Mitchell-Cotts and the Gales are also scrutinised.

Grantchester - 9:00 ITV - is a detective drama set in a 1950s Cambridgeshire village, where local vicar Sidney Chambers (James Norton) develops a sideline in sleuthing - as you do. He does this with the, initially reluctant, help of grumpy Detective Inspector Geordie Keating (Wor Geet Canny Robson Green). The cleric's first case finds him presiding over the funeral of a solicitor, who is believed to have taken his own life. However, the dead man's mistress has a different theory - and feeling unable to go to the police, she asks Sidney to examine it for her. He uncovers evidence that the suicide was staged, but while he's busy delving into the personal life of the victim, will the vicar miss his own big chance with Amanda Kendall (Morven Christie), the woman he secretly loves? With Tessa Peake-Jones, Kacey Ainsworth and Rachel Shelley.

Victoria Coren Mitchell hosts Only Connect - 8:30 BBC2 - as a team of chess enthusiasts takes on a trio of linguists in the quiz testing general knowledge and lateral thinking. The players must make connections between four things that may at first not appear to be linked, with one set of clues consisting of apt, apposite, awl and anion. Well, they all begin with A, obviously, but I'm guessing it might be a bit harder than that. Cos, if it isn't, Only Connect really is dumbing down.

Tuesday 7 October
A teenager bursts into Las Vegas PD headquarters and shoots officer Blake Hughes in the latest episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - 9:00 Channel Five - before spraying more bullets around the precinct and making his way to the interrogation room, where he takes DB Russell and the man he was questioning hostage. A stand-off ensues, with Nick Stokes wanting to give Russell more time to talk the youth into surrendering, while officer Robert Dolan wants to charge in with a SWAT team.
Professor yer actual Brian Cox (no, the other one) examines how it was that in a universe made of stars, rocks and endless space, a conscious civilisation was born in Human Universe - 9:00 BBC2. His latest adventure takes him from a submerged space station in Star City on the outskirts of Moscow, to Ethiopia, high above in the great Rift Valley, where he encounters the geladas, mankind's distant ancestors. Despite once being Africa's most successful primate, a species who at one time roamed across the entire continent, these days they are found in one just place in the remote Ethiopian Highlands. Cox investigates why these ancestors retreated, yet modern mankind has expanded across the planet.
Millions of people have cats in their homes, yet they know very little about them. Are they playful pets, fearsome fighters or deadly hunters? In a three-part Horizon programme Cat Watch 2014 - 8:00 BBC2 - Liz Bonnin joins forces with some of the world's leading feline experts to conduct a groundbreaking scientific study using GPS trackers and mini-cameras to follow 100 cats in three very different environments to find out what they get up to when they leave the house. The first edition examines how cats see, hear and smell the world with the senses developed by their wild ancestors, and looks at why this could be making life difficult for them in the modern world. Continues tomorrow.
Vince McKee's life goes from bad to worse in the final part of The Driver - 9:00 BBC1. Ros wants him out of the house because of his illegal activities, and he's in the police's sights after officers uncover new evidence. While the gang gets ready for a major job, Vince offers depressed mate Col an escape plan, but for the long-suffering cab driver, everything is closing in. Life as he once knew it is over, but can Vince find a way for himself and his family to start afresh with a second chance? Forced into a corner, he decides to work with the authorities, but if he messes up, it could be the choice between a life in prison or a lethal sentence courtesy of The Horse. David Morrissey, Claudie Blakley, Ian Hart and Sacha Parkinson star in the conclusion of Danny Brocklehurst's edgy thriller.

Wednesday 8 October
Unable to get used to the fact she was second choice for the sergeant's job, Rachel Bailey punishes Janet for keeping the truth from her, and although Will cheers her up with the news she has been chosen for a vice initiative, the detective is soon stung by Gill Murray's harsh words in Scott & Bailey - 9:00 ITV. Meanwhile, an unconscious baby is admitted to hospital with injuries which do not match his parents' explanation of events. And, when an unregistered child-minder and her boyfriend enter the equation, it's unclear to the police who had the boy's best interests at heart. Lesley Sharp, Suranne Jones, Amelia Bullmore and Danny Web feature.

There's no shortage of British actors playing aloof, super-intelligent characters on US TV – Jonny Lee Miller in Elementary and Tom Mison in Sleepy Hollow are just two examples. Now there's another one. In Forever 11:00 Sky 1 - Ioan Gruffudd plays Doctor Henry Morgan, a medical examiner in New York, who has a secret. He's immortal and has been for some two hundred years. And, he's not happy about it, trying to solve the mystery of his 'curse' and finally get some peace. He doesn't understand why he's like he is and, having had to watch a string of friends, family and lovers die while he lives on, is a bit of a pisser, frankly. In he first episode, Detective Jo Martinez comes snooping to figure out why a deadly train crash - one in which Henry was `killed' - took place. Co-starring Judd Hirsch and Alana De La Garza.

The American 'child intervention industry' is worth in excess of two billion dollars, with more than one thousand private facilities devoted to 'turning troubled kids around.'But while the idea of sending misbehaving youngsters to a residential facility where they will be instilled with a sense of discipline - and, probably thrashed within an inch of their lives for fun - may sound appealing to frazzled parents, the system does have its critics. The True Stories documentary Extreme Brat Camp - 10:00 Channel Four - takes a look at the beliefs and ambitions behind these camps, and discovers their ideologies could come as a shock to British parents. The programme also finds that while many courses are well-run, there are also fears that with no federal body to regulate and monitor the industry, some could potentially be open to poor standards and even abuse.

Treasures Decoded - 9:00 More4 - examines the mysteries surrounding the Ark of the Covenant. According to the Bible, the legendary gilded case was made by the Israelites three thousand years ago to carry the stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments were written by Moses as they wandered through the desert. The programme searches for the truth about the famous lost artefact, investigating what power it was said to hold, and what may have happened to it.

Thursday 9 October
Yer actual David Jensen presents an edition of Top Of The Pops - 7:30 BBC4 - first broadcast on 4 October 1979. With performances by XTC, Blondie, Matumbi, Buggles, Sad Cafe, Squeeze, Rainbow, The Jags, Lena Martell and The Police. Plus, dance sequences from Legs & Co.
Following in the footsteps of Julie Walters, Sheridan Smith, Mary Berry and Billy Connolly, the last in the current series of Who Do You Think You Are? - 9:00 BBC1 - focuses on Twiggy. Four decades ago, Neasden-born Lesley Hornby found her life transformed when a reporter spotted her photo on the wall of a London hairdresser, and she was dubbed the 'face of the sixties'. Suddenly the sixteen-year-old Twig The Wonder Kid was catapulted into life as a supermodel, travelling the world, mixing with some of its biggest stars and eventually appearing in films such as The Boyfriend and The Blues Brothers. In the one hundredth episode of the popular genealogy show, Twiggy examines her family's past, where she discovers a history involving strong women and a hint of crime.

Many people were surprised when it was revealed that Tom Hardy had agreed to take a break from films to appear in the second series of the gangster drama Peaky Blinders - 9:00 BBC2. But he had good reasons for doing so - it reteamed him with his Dark Knight Rises co-star Cillian Murphy and Peaky Blinders creator Steven Knight, who wrote and directed Hardy's film Locke. There's also a role this season for the actor's real-life partner, Charlotte Riley. Hardy debuts in this week's episode as enigmatic mobster Alfie Solomons, who crosses paths with Tommy while the latter is in London searching for Polly's long-lost children. Solomons is a dangerous man, and Tommy will be lucky to get away unscathed. Meanwhile, ghosts from Arthur's military past continue to haunt his troubled mind.

Dara O Briain and regulars Hugh Dennis and Andy Parsons are joined by Rob Beckett, Ed Byrne, Milton Jones and Zoe Lyons on the topical comedy quiz Mock The Week - 10:00 BBC2. The panellists give their take on the week's major news stories and participate in a series of stand-up spots and improvised games.

Friday 10 October
It’s certainly a big night for comedy panel shows with Have I Got News For You - 9:00 - joining Would I Lie to You? - 8:30 - on BBC1 and, testing our knowledge of the baffling and the obscure, Qi on BBC2 at 10:00. Stephen Fry continues the comedy panel quiz's exploration of subjects beginning with the letter L as he asks a range of fiendish questions on the topic of Location, with points being awarded as usual for interesting answers as well as correct ones. Irish actress, comedienne and writer Aisling Bea makes her first appearance on the programme, joining fellow stand-ups Jason Manford and Johnny Vegas and regular panellist Alan Davies, who are all hoping they don't fall into the Qi elves' traps and set off the klaxon.
Rob Brydon, David Mitchell and Lee Mack are join by comedians Rhod Gilbert and Hal Cruttenden, interior designer and Dragons' Den investor Kelly Hoppen and Carol Vorderman (and her award-winning arse) on Would I Lie To You?, whilst Sue Perkins tops off a busy week, having helped crown The Great British Bake Off champion on Wednesday, she hosts tonight's Have I Got News For You.

After a heist takes place at a bank in Warsaw, Red sees the opportunity to blow the whistle on the institution's money-laundering activities in The Blacklist - 9:00 Sky Living. But Liz suspects that his intentions are not as honourable as they seem. As if they ever are. Meanwhile, the task force welcomes a new recruit, former Mossad agent Samar, who impressed Cooper during the hunt for Lord Baltimore.

The last time we saw Robbie Lewis and James Hathaway, the former was about to quit his job and go off into a long-deserved retirement with his girlfriend - and pathologist - Laura Hobson (Clare Holman) whilst the latter was going into Jean Innocent's office the next morning for give her the 'that's it, I quit as well' letter. However, a return of Lewis - 9:00 ITV - Lewis (Kevin Whately) has started his new life away from the force. But it seems that peace and quiet really doesn't suit him - which is just as well, as newly promoted Detective Inspector Hathaway (Laurence Fox) is struggling to find a sidekick, and within just four weeks of his promotion is already on to his second sergeant, Lizzie Maddox (Angela Griffin). So, Innocent (Rebecca Front) decides to reunite the former partners to look into the murder of a neurosurgeon, a case with potential links to the worlds of animal rights and blood sports. In the first of this two-part story, suspicion falls on glamorous widow Erica (Kara Tointon), but it turns out there are plenty of other people in the victim's inner circle who were driven by fear and loathing.

In the second episode of Anarchy In Manchester - 10:30 Sky Arts 1 - presented by the legend that is Doctor John Cooper Clarke, we get another selection of highlights from Tony Wilson's ground-breaking 1970s Granada TV music show So It Goes, featuring performances by The Stranglers, Nick Lowe and Rockpile and some quite remarkable spittle-drenched footage of The Clash at the Elisabethan Suite in Belle Vue playing one-hundred miles per hour versions of 'Capital Radio', 'Janie Jones', 'What's My Name?' and 'Garageland'. 'Here we are on TV. What does it mean to me? What does it mean to you? Fuck all!'
To the news now: For more than fifty years the famous dotted wall at BBC Television Centre has proudly displayed the corporation's logo, signalling to the world that it is the home of some of television's biggest hits, from Fawlty Towers to Only Fools And Horses. But on Saturday the corporation carefully removed the huge letters from the wall, turned off Television Centre's broadcast signal and, officially, handed over its former West London headquarters to developers six months ahead of schedule. It marked the end of an era for a building familiar to generations of television viewers. Designed in the shape of a question mark by architect Graham Dawbarn and officially opened by the Queen in 1960, the famous brick frontage and 'atomic dot' wall provided a backdrop to shows from Blue Peter to Children In Need. The corporation decided to sell Television Centre for two hundred million quid in 2012 to developer Stanhope and move staff to the redeveloped Broadcasting House in Central London and MediaCity in Salford, as part of a plan to save money and make the corporation less London-centric. Stanhope will build around nine hundred and fifty new homes on the fourteen-acre site – to be known from now on as Television Centre – along with a new branch of members' club Soho House, plus offices, restaurants, cafes and shops. Parts of the site, such as the wall and famous 'doughnut' centre, are listed and will be retained, but the plans include opening up the area in front of Television Centre to create a giant public piazza which will be similar in size to Trafalgar Square. Although the BBC no longer owns Television Centre, it will retain a presence, having taken out leases of around fifteen to twenty years for a fifth of the site, including three studios, dressing rooms and offices for its commercial arm, BBC Worldwide. 'It's the changing of the guard,' said Chris Kane, head of BBC commercial projects. 'Television Centre is moving into a new chapter, it is going into an intermission almost, releasing an enormous amount of capital value for the BBC. But also the BBC coming back in is a tangible demonstration of a new BBC.' The corporation stopped making programmes and moved production staff out of Television Centre last year - one of the last to be made there was the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary biopic An Adventure In Space And Time - but it has kept a broadcasting signal going there as a back-up. Kane said it had been 'no mean feat' removing all the BBC's possessions from the building after fifty years of occupation: 'When you're selling a house you just turn the key, move out and hand over. Not here.' As well as desks and office equipment, more than five thousand electrical circuits were disconnected and more than four thousand pieces of broadcasting equipment, worth around four million quid, have been redeployed around the BBC. There will be an auction in November of equipment and memorabilia such as the Match Of The Day set, a Doctor Who backdrop and photos of celebrities such as Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise. A previous auction held in June raised around ninety thousand smackers. Featured items included desks used on the set of Newsnight.
The three-month suspended sentence given to convicted groper Dave Lee Travis is to be reviewed by the Attorney General's office. The sixty nine-year-old was sentenced on Friday after being found extremely guilty of indecently assaulting a TV researcher on The Mrs Merton Show in 1995. The Attorney General's office said that four people had complained that the sentence was 'unduly lenient.' It will now consider whether to refer the sentence to the court of appeal. Sentencing the convicted groper Travis at Southwark Crown Court on Friday, the judge, Anthony Leonard QC, said the dirty old scallywag Travis had committed 'an intentional and unpleasant sexual assault.' And, he told the former radio DJ that he had 'taken advantage' of a young woman 'in a vulnerable position.'A spokeswoman for the Attorney General's office confirmed that on the day of the sentencing it had been contacted by four members of the public complaining that the sentence was too lenient. Under the Unduly Lenient Sentence scheme, anyone can complain about sentences handed down in England and Wales. The spokeswoman said: 'We will be asking the CPS to send us more information on this particular case so that a law officer can decide if the sentence should be referred to the Court of Appeal.' Attorney General Jeremy Wright and Solicitor General Robert Buckland have until 24 October to decide whether or not to refer the case to the court. After being sentenced on Friday, the convicted groper Travis whinged to the press outside the court that the case should never have been brought against him. Which, one imagines, is exactly the sort of thing that most convicted criminals say after they've been caught and dealt with by the courts.

Countdown's Rachel Riley had her day brightened up in the studio by an unexpected erection. Riley posted the awkward moment from the Channel Four daytime quiz on Twitter, when someone successfully found an eight-letter word. 'Gotta love the day job!"' she wrote.
The editor-in-chief of the Sunday Mirra has grovellingly apologised to two women for the unauthorised use of their pictures in a sting which prompted the Conservative MP Brooks Newmark to resign as Civil Society minister. Lloyd Embley said that the newspaper stood by the story by a freelance reporter who used a photograph of Malin Sahlén, a Swedish model, for a fictional Twitter account claiming to be a Tory PR woman named Sophie Wittans. The media commentator Steve Hewlett said on BBC's Newsnight that the reporter responsible for the sting was Alex Wickham, who writes for the Guido Fawkes blog. It has also been reported that two other newspapers - the Sun On Sunday and the Scum Mail On Sunday - had been offered and rejected the story. The reporter posed as Wittans and exchanged messages with several Tory MPs before convincing Newmark to swap numbers and share explicit pictures of himself with 'her'. Embley said that there was 'a clear public interest' because of Newmark's roles as minister for Civil Society and co-founder of Women2Win – an organisation aimed at attracting more Conservative women into parliament – but, he added that the investigation had been carried out before the Sunday Mirra's involvement. 'We thought that pictures used by the investigation were posed by models, but we now know that some real pictures were used. At no point has the Sunday Mirror published any of these images, but we would like to apologise to the women involved for their use in the investigation,' he said. Charlene Tyler, from Boston in Lincolnshire, whose 'sunbathing selfie' was allegedly used in the sting, wanted to 'tell her side of the story' and would be featured in this week's Sunday Mirra he added. Whether she will be paid for this 'exclusive', he didn't reveal. Tyler told the Daily Torygraph on Monday that it was 'quite wrong' for the paper to have used her photo without permission, and that she felt Newmark had done nothing wrong. 'I think grown adults can do whatever they like as long as both of them are over the age of consent,' she said. Which is true, legally, if not necessarily morally. Particularly when concerning a married father of five who is a member of parliament. 'I don’t think it's something to resign over,' she added. The Sunday Mirra's leading rival, the Sun, confirmed that it had turned down the story. Meanwhile, Malin Sahlén whose photo was used on the fake Twitter account said that she felt 'shocked and exploited' by the unauthorised use of her picture. She told the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet: 'I do not want to be exploited in this way and that someone has used my image like this feels really awful, both for me and the others involved in this.' The model said that the photograph of her was three years old and that she had previously reported several fake Facebook accounts for using her image. 'I am shocked and it is unpleasant for someone to use the picture without permission.' The other MPs targeted in the sting included Mark Pritchard, MP for The Wrekin in Shropshire, who said on Monday that he would contact Scotland Yard and make a formal complaint to the Independent Press Standards Organisation over accusations of entrapment. 'It is in the public interest that their actions are fully investigated. This is the first real test as to whether the new body, IPSO, has any teeth,' he said. John Wittingdale, the chairman of the Commons media select committee, said on Monday that he believed IPSO should investigate the matter.

Iranian state television accused the BBC on Sunday of trying to steal 'artistic, historic and cultural documents' from government archives in the Islamic Republic. The BBC had no immediate comment on the claim, coming in a report on the Iranian broadcasting company's website. Iran has a long and sinister history of accusing the British broadcaster as operating as a cover for spies and dissidents. The state television report said that Iranian intelligence officials 'disrupted' the alleged plot by local dependants of the BBC. 'The hostile network of the BBC – against the mores and regulations of media and international law – attempted to steal historical documents from formal archive centres through its local dependents [sic],' the report read, citing a statement by Iran's intelligence department. The TV report did not elaborate. The BBC's Farsi-language service is not authorised to operate in Iran and working for the network is against the law. The BBC says that Tehran also blocks its broadcasts into the country. In 2012, Iran arrested two film-makers over alleged links to the BBC. They were later released. Months afterwards, Iran's state TV claimed the BBC hacked its website to change the results of a poll about Iran's nuclear programme, something which the BBC strenuously denied. In June this year Iranian documentary film-maker and women's rights activist Mahnaz Mohammadi was jailed for five years, charged with collaborating against the state with the BBC. And, just to get this into context, the BBC is, of course, a British institution and national treasure. It is also - much more importantly - a World Class broadcaster with a global reputation for journalistic honesty, integrity, balance, innovation, creativity and quality. Ironically the only places in the world where it isn't highly regarded are in knobcheese fascist dictatorships and in its own backyard where scum politicians and lice newspapers with an agenda use it as their own personal punch-bag. Iran, by contrast is a country that locks up young people and canes them on the arse for daring to have a bit of fun by making a video of themselves miming to a pop song and executes people who chose to express their lack on belief in a faith. So, you know dear blog reader, it's entirely up to you as to which of these two entities you believe in this matter.

And, speaking of oppressive, criminally insane dictatorships, while television sets in Hong Kong blaze with images of the pro-democracy protests that have paralysed the central business district since Sunday, citizens in mainland China have been getting a very different story: that a few thousand people gathered in a local park to celebrate the Chinese government. On Sunday night, tens of thousands of protesters throughout Hong Kong faced down tear-gas and baton charges, but the state-controlled broadcaster Dragon TV did not show these images. Instead, it cheerfully announced that twenty eight civil society groups had spent the weekend in Tamar Park voicing support for the central government's decisions on the region's political future. The broadcast showed a crowd of people waving Chinese flags to celebrate the upcoming sixty fifth anniversary of country-wide Communist party rule. 'We all hope Hong Kong can be prosperous and stable,' said a young man wearing glasses and a red polo shirt. 'I think the National People's Congress's decision can bring us a step closer to fulfilling our requirement for universal suffrage.' Protesters are furious at Beijing's framework for the city's next major election, in 2017, calling it 'fake democracy.' Although central authorities say that they will grant the region's seven million people the ability to choose their next top official, the framework will only allow two or three pro-Beijing candidates to run. Mainland authorities have severely restricted the spread of information about the protests. Censors completely blocked the photo-sharing service Instagram after it was flooded with pictures of unrest. On major social networking sites, pro-democracy posts are vanishing soon after they appear. Searches for 'Occupy Central' and 'Hong Kong protest' on Sina Weibo, the country’s most popular microblog, yielded only irrelevant photos and links to state media reports. Searches for 'Hong Kong' brought up mainly shopping tips and restaurant reviews. Experts say that managing domestic opinion about the unrest has become 'a top priority' for party leaders, who fear that the spread of pro-democratic sentiment on the mainland could loosen the party's vice-like grip on power. 'The Communist party is very clear that if the general election were to indeed happen in Hong Kong, people from many places in the mainland would want the same thing,' said Hu Jia, a prominent activist in Beijing. 'What Hong Kongers have been doing – the student strike, public voting, protesting, and occupying the central city – could definitely inspire a lot of people in China.' He added: 'As for the censorship, it's all because the Hong Kong issue could have a huge impact on the mainland. Yesterday I received hundreds of complaints from people on Twitter saying their Weibo accounts had been either blocked or deleted, most because they talked about the Hong Kong issue.' China's state media has universally condemned the movement as an illegal protest by 'a small minority' of extremists. 'Hong Kong people's motherland is the only one that will truly listen to Hong Kong's voice and Hong Kong people's compatriots on the mainland are the only ones that will prioritise Hong Kong people's concerns and demands,' the Communist party mouthpiece People's Daily said in a Monday afternoon commentary. 'Nobody cares about more about Hong Kong's future than the Chinese people and no government wants stability and prosperity for Hong Kong more than the Chinese government.' It continued: 'People are very pleased to see that the mainstream public opinion in Hong Kong supports and welcomes the decisions made by the central government.' On Monday, the nationalist tabloid Global Times took a stronger position, calling the protesters doomed. 'As Chinese mainlanders, we feel sorrow over the chaos in Hong Kong on Sunday. Radical opposition forces in Hong Kong should be blamed,' it said in an editorial. 'The radical activists are doomed. Opposition groups know well it is impossible to alter the decision of the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress on Hong Kong's political reform plan.'

This blogger wonders if, when Dino Fekaris and Freddie Perren wrote 'Shake Yer Groove Thang' for Peaches & Herb in 1978 they realised that one day it would be used as the soundtrack to an advert for ladies sanitary products-type things involving 'sensitive bladders'? I'm guessing probably not. Was someone taking the piss? You decide.
In yer actual Keith Telly Topping's many years on this planet, dear blog reader, he has seen some truly thigh-slappingly hilarious shit but this, I think, may well take not only the biscuit but, also, the cup of cocoa as well. He looks more like Yoko than George. And, if you're going to be in a Be-Atles tribute band at least have the courtesy to find a left handed bassist and a drummer with a big nose. Thank you.
Due to a nasty dose of 'feeling really rotten' (and waiting in half the day for the gas man) on Thursday, a doctor's appointment on Friday morning and a sense of general lethargy on Saturday, Sunday morning was yer actual Keith Telly Topping's first time at the pool in a few days. And, of course, being Sunday, the gaff was rammed with screaming kids. Nevertheless, it was a considerable achievement, this blogger reckons, to manage twenty lengths in such circumstances (a feat matched on Monday in somewhat quieter circumstances, let it be noted). Yay me, and all that. Next ...
And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. This is for the handful of dear blog readers that From The North has in Iran and Hong Kong (and, the United Kingdom, Liechtenstein and the Federated States of Micronesia for that matter). A public service announcement. With guitars.

'Hello Earth. We have a terrible decision to make. It is an uncertain decision and we don't have a lot of time ... An innocent life versus the future of all mankind.'
'How'd you like to be the first woman on the moon? Is that special enough for you?' So, it's another typical day in the TARDIS as The Doctor, Clara and, the space and time machine's latest occupant, naughty disruptive schoolgirl Courtney, arrive in the near future on a run-down space shuttle that is heading for the moon. Okay, Qi fans, one of the moons. Satisfied?
    Anyway, crash-landing on the surface, the travellers and a trio of rather startled astronauts (two of whom - including the great Tony Osoba - should really be wearing red spacesuits because we just know they're both going to be mutant spider food before half the episode's done) are confronted with the sight of a mining base that's full of corpses. Mexican corpses at that (expect some hippy Communist smear of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star to attempt to fold that part of the plot into the latest Top Gear controversy). And, vicious, spider-like creatures wait for them in the dark, ready to bite their bums. Or something. So, Alien-meets-The Thing, basically. Nowt wrong with that, of course. But, just when she needs him the most, Clara is left wondering whether The Doctor really is a good man after all - or even her friend.
'When I says "run", run.''Who made you boss?''Well, you say "run", then!' Horror as a specific motif in Doctor Who has been a mini-genre which has flourished during periods and been almost but not quite forgotten during others. For a couple of years in the late-1960 and - perhaps most memorably - three years in the mid-1970s horror was the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama's go-to genre of choice. But, even in periods where other styles - such as comedy, melodrama or hardcore SF conceits - have, at least in the popular consciousness, held sway, a little slice of the macabre, the spine-tinglingly otherworldly, has never been far away.
    It's the old 'is Doctor Who becoming too scary?' thing, isn't it? The Tomb Of The Cybermen allegedly causing a spate of bed-wetting and having David Coleman getting all 'Oh! The humanity!' on Junior Points Of View in 1967. (Not since the Italians and the Chileans were kicking lumps out of each other at The Battle of Santiago in 1962 have so many 'quite extraordinary's been flung at the viewer with so little though for the consequences.) Or, evil plastic dolls coming to life in Terror Of The Autons and having questions asked about them in Parliament by gobshite, rent-a-quote MPs with nothing more important to occupy their time and interest despite their being a miner's strike in progress in 1971. Or, concerned letters to the Radio Times about Genesis Of The Daleks in 1975. Of course, as anyone over the age of around thirty knows full-well, Doctor Who has always been scary in one form or another. The series invented the - now clichéd - conceit of children 'hiding behind the sofa' and created two of the most sinister and memorable small-screen villains ever in The Daleks and The Cybermen. The Green Death, Planet Of Evil, The Caves Of Androzani, The Web Of Fear, The Brain Of Morbius, The Invasion, Inferno, The Talons Of Weng-Chiang, Fury From The Deep, The Horror Of Fang Rock, The Ark In Space, The Seeds Of Doom, Terror Of The Zygons, Blink, Midnight, The Waters Of Mars, Hide, Listen and so many more of The Doctor's adventures in space and time have depended for much of their - often considerable - impact on both physically and psychologically terrorising their audiences. Just ask anyone 'of a certain age' what their memories of 'that Doctor Who episode with the maggots' is, for example and watch the sleepless nights in 1973 being recalled.
'Some decisions are too important not to make on your own.' In the 1970s, when Tom Baker was The Doctor and producer Philip Hinchcliffe and script editor Robert Holmes were in charge of the production and busy scaring the buggering bejesus out of every ten year old in the land, self-appointed moral guardian Mary Whitehouse was getting her knickers in a right old twist and doing the whole 'won't someone please think of the children?' routine over the drowning scene in The Deadly Assassin. A year earlier, the Daily Scum Express's resident columnist (and ran gobshite) Jean Rook was writing articles criticising The Pyramids of Mars. In the mid-1980s the Colin Baker period was criticised by some for being too violent (including BBC1's then Big Kahuna Michael Grade, specifically over the hanging scenes in Vengeance On Varos). And, to be fair, criticised by this blogger for being, you know, crap. Such storms in a celestial teacups have happened at regular intervals in Doctor Who's fifty year history. They're happening now, on Twitter, apparently - as if anything talked about on Twitter has any merit whatsoever. They'll happen again in the future, no doubt. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
'Is that the best you could get?''Second-hand shuttle, third-hand astronauts.' And so to Kill The Moon. It was, reportedly, originally written by Wallander scriptwriter Peter Harness for Matt Smith's Doctor but arrived just too late for inclusion during series seven. An early working title for the episode was, it is alleged, Return To Sarn, though this was intended to be misleading to rumour merchants and spoiler-fiends by all accounts. When briefing Harness on how to write the script, executive producer The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat is said to have told him to 'Hinchcliffe the shit out of it for the first half', meaning, essentially, to make the episode as frightening as possible. The reference to Philip Hinchcliffe, who produced Doctor Who from 1974 to 1977 when the show was, many feel, at its most darkly atmospheric, Gothic and chilling was, clearly, deliberate and Harness seems to have understood his instruction to the letter. Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) called the script 'intense and emotional' whilst Harness has said that the episode would see 'a large change' for the show. 'I still don't know how people will take it. I'm in this kind of limbo now waiting for people to see it and I've no idea how it is going to go down.' Filming for the episode took place in Lanzarote, near the Volcán del Cuervo (Raven's Volcano) in Timanfaya National Park. The last Doctor Who episode to be filmed on the Canary Island was 1984's serial Planet Of Fire featuring Peter Davison's Doctor. Filming took place on 12 to 13 May whilst the park was closed to visitors, with locals reporting that the production team had 'erected a huge marquee, have trailers, toilets and a van.' Filming also took place at the Cardiff Bay Business Centre in Splott and St Illtyd's College in Cardiff on 20 May and at Aberavon Beach in Port Talbot the following day. Much of the episode's pre-publicity focused on its main guest-star, the very excellent Hermione Norris, a cult favourite from numerous British TV series over the last decades and a half like Cold Feet, Wire In The Blood and [spooks]. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self has loved Hermione to bits ever since a blink-and-you'll-miss-it early role in an episode of Drop The Dead Donkey twenty years ago.
'When you've grown up a bit you'll realise that everything doesn't have to be nice. Some things are just bad. Anyway, you ran away, it's none of your business.' So, anyway, we're on a trip to the dark side of the moon and let's start with the basics - Kill The Moon is quite, quite brilliant. Scientifically ludicrous, of course. I mean, every single bit as scientifically ludicrous as Space: 1999. No, really, it is. But, it's a very minor point concerning such a good episode. Both Harness and the episode's director, Paul Wilmshurst, leave an immediate and very positive stamp on the series. Kill The Moon's set up is done in a totally uncontrived and organic feeling Blink-style pre-title sequence - a message to Earth from Clara. There's a big decision to make, she notes to those who will receive the message. There are, also, forty five minutes in which to make it. If the wrong choice is made, everybody dies. As you might imagine, from there, we're in the middle of a proper white-knuckle helter-skelter ride. A right rip-roaring rollercoaster of a episode. A juggernaut of a plot that crashes on impact with the viewer like an eighteen-wheeler coming straight through your front window whilst you're in the middle of watching an episode of Call The Midwife. Whilst Listen was concerned with psychological horror and the long-running dreamscapes of some very personal fears, Kill The Moon is, broader and more universal in its targets. It is, to put it simply, a big, hairy, utterly terrifying fek-off monster tale with something very nasty indeed creeping about in the dark just out of ones vision. In this case that takes the form of spider-like creatures which, whilst frightening enough on their own, mask a big reveal at the episode's climax. Paul Wilmshurst is, it would seem, a big fan of both Alien and The Thing, filling the episode with cocky, smart, flashy Ridley Scott and John Carpenter riffs - and more than a few Kubrick ones too - and understanding an old, but very true, maxim that silence and stillness are often eerier and more disturbing than crash, bang, wallop and an overdose of action. If you happen to have even the slightest hint of arachnophobia dear blog reader, and you haven't seen the episode yet, then Kill The Moon is likely to get right under your skin. Wake up to reality, indeed. Wonderfully creepy, too, is Murray Gold's outré, left field score, easily the most unnerving and experimental that he's ever done for the series. More than all of those elements, though, this is the episode from the current series which most closely meshed the twin strands of 'monster of the week' and the ongoing story arc. Primarily, it's a standalone episode but Harness, nevertheless, manages to slot in one or two crucial knowing elements which feel like they are part of a broader, more elongated story. Any review of the episode must also, of course, include the usual nod in the director of yer actual Peter Capaldi who, as he has been in every episode this year so far, is fantastic. For all that, and for not the first time this series either, the episode belongs to Jenna Coleman, particularly during the last ten, emotionally exacting minutes - she absolutely nails the jimbuggery out of it. 'Do you have music in your head when you say rubbish like that? It was cheap, it was pathetic. No, it was patronising, That was you patting us on the back and saying "you're big enough to go to the shops on your own now, toddle along."' Eleven out of ten for Avocado here, no question.
'I've been in the future and the moon is still there. I think. You know the moon is still there, right?''Maybe it isn't the moon. Maybe it's a hologram, or a painting, or a special effect. Maybe it's a completely different moon.''But you would know. If the moon fell to bits in 2049 you'd have mentioned it. It would have come up in conversation!' Kill The Moon may well be the darkest story of the series yet - Listen runs it very close, it's true - but that isn't simply because of the creepy spiders and the more obvious, classic engines of destruction in its arsenal. While the episode may appear at its most basic level to be a classic Doctor Whobase under siege story - The Ice Warriors or Fury From The Deep for the Twenty First Century, if you like - at its core lies one enormous moral dilemma for several characters, most notably The Doctor. The type of dilemma which questions humanity's nature and makes one wonder what we would do if faced with such an apocalyptic choice as this episode includes. In that regard, it's far closer to an episode like The Waters Of Mars than to more obvious visual similar conceits such as The Impossible Planet. As the former story memorably demonstrated, more often than not there are no easy answers in situations in which life-altering choices must be made and doing the right thing, even if it isn't - especially if it isn't - the easy thing is something that, when push comes to shove, is hard work. It's a very The West Wing or Buffy The Vampire Slayer type ethical dilemma sampled, beautifully and with very little need for a chisel or a hammer into Doctor Who's aesthetic worldview. What happens in this episode, one suspects, will have some major implications for Clara on her relationship with The Doctor in future episodes. But, whereas The Waters Of Mars dealt with The Doctor's dilemma about whether to meddle with a fixed moment in time, Kill The Moon shows us near enough the inverse side of the coin and the, arguably more chaotic, more dangerous situation which can occur when The Doctor is faced with a vital moment in flux. A point where, quite literally, anything could happen. How might The Doctor react to having the burden on his shoulders of an entire future?
'Meaning, Clara, that the moon, this little planetoid that's been tagging along beside you for a hundred million years, that's given you light at night and seas to sail on is in the process of falling to bits.' Continuity: In many ways, Kill The Moon is the most Doctor Who-like Doctor Who episode of the series so far, visually and conceptually recalling not only recent stories like the previously mentioned The Impossible Planet and The Waters Of Mars but, also, from a much older vintage, The Moonbase, Frontier In Space, The Seeds Of Death and Planet Of The Spiders. The grim, minimalist nature of both the shuttle and the moonbase itself - functional, bland, cramped - on the other hand is in somewhat stark contrast to most of the series' depictions of near-futurist design. One thinks only of stories like The Ambassadors Of Death, Warriors' Gate and Terminus for previous examples of grotty, lived-in space travel. The episode's central question - do I have the right? - is, of course, straight out of Genesis Of The Daleks. There are references to The Careatker ('she was in the TARDIS.''Doing what?''Throwing up.''Oh, her!'), Let's Kill Hitler ('we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937. We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler and you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past'), The Day Of The Moon ('one enormous thing for a thingy-thing.''So much for history!'), City Of Death ('is it a chicken?!'), Fury From The Deep, The Ark In Space (The Doctor's yoyo, plus his entire, breathtaking 'future history of mankind' speech, a 'Homosapiens Doctrine' for the Twenty First Century), The Invisible Enemy, The Day Of The Daleks ('she met this bloke called Blinovitch'), The Beast Below ('you go away. You go a long way away') and Doctor Who & The Silurians ('that's what you do with aliens, isn't it? Blow them up').

'Will he be back?''If he says so, I suppose he will.' Harness, free from the chore of providing Kurt Wallander's trademark stoic grumpiness and lack of so much as an ounce of humour, proves himself to be a crackingly good writer of very naturalistic dialogue. Take: 'What is the matter with the moon?' And: 'Tell me there wasn't anybody inside that thing.''I could, but it wouldn't make it true.' And: 'You've got guns?''Not unless you brought some.' And: 'Little moments in which Big Things are decided. And this is one of them.' And: 'The moon isn't breaking apart. The moon is hatching.' And: 'We should be bouncing around this cabin like fluffy little clouds. But, we're not.'And: 'I think that is utterly beautiful.''How do we kill it?' And: 'You cannot blame a baby for kicking.' And: 'You want today to be the day life on Earth stopped because you couldn't make a decision?' But, amazingly, even among the darkness and shadows and, you know, the Zappy Starflake and the Spiders From The Moon, there are more than a few - wry and witty - laughs too. 'She took your psychic paper, she's been using it as fake ID.''To get into museums?''No, the buy White Lightning, or alcopops or whatever.' And: 'You'll just have to shoot us, then. Shoot the little girl first!' And: 'Kills ninety nine per cent of all known germs.''Good stuff Courtney, just don't try that at home.' And: 'Look at the size of it it, it's the size of a badger. It's a prochoriatic non-cellular lifeform with non-chromosomal DNA. Which, as you and me know ... well, not you and me, you certainly not, but you and me, yes. Scientists know, this is a germ.' And: 'My granny used to put things on Tumblr.' And: 'This is Ground Control.''Yeah, I can tell by your haircut!' And: 'Would you mind your language, please, there are children present.' And: 'I think that somebody deserves a "thank you."''Yeah. Thank you!'
And then there are the moments that people will remember for decades: 'Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.' And: 'It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike! It's your moon, womankind, it's your choice.' And: 'Tell me what you knew, Doctor, or I'll smack you so hard you'll regenerate!' And: 'Of course I know what  duty of care is.' And: 'Respected is not how I feel. I nearly didn't press that button, I nearly got it wrong. That was you, my friend, making me scared, making me feel like a bloody idiot. Don't you ever tell me to mind my my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike and don't you dare lump me in with all the rest of the little humans who you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth Doctor, you breathe our air, you make us your friends. That is your moon too and you can damn well help us when we need it.' And, most memorably of all: 'In the mid-Twenty First Century, humankind starts creeping off into the stars. It spreads its way through the galaxy to the very edges of the universe. And it ... endures until the end of time. And it does all that because one day in the year 2049 when it had stopped thinking about going to the stars something occurred that made it look up, not down. It looked out there into the blackness and it saw something beautiful. Something wonderful that, for once, it didn't want to destroy. And in that one moment the whole course of history was changed. Not bad for a girl from Coal Hill School And her teacher.' Yes. That.
'I don't like people being sick in my TARDIS. No being sick and no hanky-panky. Sorry, those are The Rules.' Superbly executed, brilliantly acted by all concerned - a special word here for Ellis George who easily pummels into the dirt any long-held fandom notions about child actors being 'unwelcome' in Doctor Who - and containing enough memorable bits to provide the current generation of younger fans with lots of 'do you remember the one where...'moments in decades to come, Kill The Moon arrives at the very moment where, like in 1967, and 1971, and 1975, and 1976, and 1985, questions are being asked by a few tight-arsed and squeamish bell-ends about whether Doctor Who is 'too scary'. The episode has many great things in it. and some truly terrifying ones; notably, Capaldi's polka-dot shirt. Horrorshow. Kill The Moonis scary. And bold and inventive and full of Big Issues and Big Moments and, so what if the science is rubbish - this is a TV programme about an alien with two hearts who can change his appearance travelling through time and space in a police box that's bigger on the inside than the outside. All of the science is rubbish! It's also, and this is much more important, mature, elegant, proper grown-up drama. It's Doctor Who striving for, and earning, its current 8.30pm time slot. In the same way that Neil Gaiman both matched and then, even exceeded, expectations with his first Doctor Who episode, so the energy, imagination and even surprising occasional slabs of caustic humour of Peter Harness's script reminds us all - if any reminder were needed - that we, as an audience, can experience new feelings and emotions, new thrills, new avenues to travel and new ways of being impressed, even when watching a fifty year old kids show about a mad man in a box. 'Everything's dangerous if you want it to be. Eating chips is dangerous. Crossing the road, it's no way to live your life.'
BBC Worldwide has announced that the Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff will reopen on 24 October. The exhibition closed in August to allow for a regeneration which will see the addition of a new interactive adventure staring yer actual Peter Capaldi as The Doctor. Those taking part can follow The Doctor on a spectacular, adventure through time and space. Beginning in the Gallifrey Museum and journeying to the heart of the TARDIS, visitors will have to grapple with a threat which could destroy the universe. The exclusive adventure has been specially written for the experience by the very excellent Joe Lidster and directed by Paul Wilmshurst. The Doctor Who Experience boasts the world's most extensive collection of original Doctor Who props and artefacts. Highlights include a complete collection of The Doctor's costumes from 1963 to the present day, three full TARDIS sets, a fiftieth anniversary collection of Doctor Who stars handprints and a whole host of costumes from evil monsters to loyal companions.

The X Factor topped Friday's overnight ratings outside of soaps with 6.01 million viewers from 9pm. Earlier on ITV, Gino's Italian Escape: A Taste Of The Sun was seen by 2.47 million at 8pm. On BBC1, The ONE Show kicked off the evening with 3.37 million, while A Question of Sport followed with 2.95 million. The latest Would I Lie To You? was seen by 3.18 million at 8.30pm, whilst the first of a new series of Have I Got News For You played to an evening high for the channel of 4.27 million and Big School continued to flop bigger than a big flopping thing being watched by 2.37 million at 9:30pm. With guests including Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson and Luke Evans, The Graham Norton Show ended the evening with 3.06 million at 10.35pm. Celebrity Antiques Roadshow began with 1.72 million at 7pm on BBC2 and Mastermind picked up increased viewers of 2.03 million - and yer actual Keith Telly Topping was impressed that he matched the lad whose specialist subject was The Rolling Stones in getting fourteen out of the fifteen questions right. Lorraine Pascale: How To Be A Better Cook was seen by 1.49 million (7.2%), Tom Kerridge's Best Ever Dishes continued with 1.42 million, Gardeners' World was seen by 1.95 million and the evening ended with 1.85 million for the start of a new series of Qi. Channel Four's Stars At Your Service opened with four hundred and fifty thousand at 8pm, followed by 2.13 million for Gogglebox and one million viewers for Alan Carr: Chatty Man. Body Of Proof was Channel Five's highest-rated show with seven hundred and sixty seven thousand, while the first of an NCIS double bill was seen by five hundred and fourteen thousand. ITV3's 8pm episode of Lewis was one of the more popular multichannel shows with five hundred and thirty thousand.

TV Comedy Line Of The Week came from the welcome return of Qi for its L series. After Wor Geet Canny Ross Noble had given a suitably weird answer to a question about his grandmother's alleged habits, Stephen Fry noted 'we don't know much about what goes on in The North East, but we hear things.''Mainly from you' added Alan Davies with expert timing! It's great to have it back.
Peaky Blinders was slightly up on its last episode upon its return to BBC2 on Thursday, overnight data reveals. The period drama attracted an average audience of 1.69 million viewers at 9pm. This is up by around fifty thousand viewers from its series one finale, but down over seven hundred thousand from its premiere episode last September. Billy Connolly's appearance on Who Do You Think You Are? topped the ratings overall outside soaps with 4.77m at 9pm on BBC1. Earlier, Your Home In Their Hands appealed to 2.61m at 8pm, while Question Time interested 2.27m at 10.35pm. On BBC2, Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two drew 1.18m at 6.30pm, followed by Antiques Road Trip with 1.59m at 7pm and Judge Atlantis with 1.29m at 8pm. Mock The Week amused 1.43m at 10pm. ITV's For The Love Of Dogs gathered 4.10m at 8.30pm, whilst Lord Snooty's latest programme featuring him wandering around posh gaffs rubbing working people's nose in the fact that he and his chums have more money than them, Blenheim Palace: Great War House, brought in 1.42m at 9pm. On Channel Four, Location, Location, Location attracted 1.48m at 8pm, followed by Educating The East End with 1.33m at 9pm. Scrotal Recall débuted with six hundred and thirty six thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Benefit House: Me & My Twenty Two Kids attracted nine hundred and seven thousand at 8pm. No Foreigners Here: One Hundred Per cent British gathered seven hundred and eighty two thousand at 9pm, and Mummy's Little Murderer brought in six hundred and fifty six thousand at 10pm.

The BBC's Question Time has been criticised by the sister of Alice Gross after it featured a question relating to the murdered fourteen-year-old on this week's programme. Nina Gross said that an immigration debate arising from Alice's death was 'horrible' and 'extremely insensitive'. Latvian Arnis Zalkalns was named as a suspect by police before Alice's body was found in the River Brent on Tuesday. Alice was last seen on 28 August after leaving her home in Hanwell. Nina Gross wrote on Twitter: 'It is extremely insensitive to use my family's tragedy for political agendas and discussion. This is a time of grief for our family. In future, please respect our wishes as we grieve. This is a personal tragedy which we want to deal with privately, rather than fearing anyone using it for any political agenda. It is extremely insensitive to use my families tragedy for political agendas and discussion. This is a time of grief for our family. Now is not the time for these discussions.' In later posts directed at BBC Twitter accounts, she added: 'It is really insensitive and horrible that you have used our family's tragedy on Question Time.' A post on the show's Twitter account said: 'Dear Nina, we're sorry to hear this. We're really sorry for any hurt or offence caused by tonight's programme.' She replied: 'Thank you.' On the programme, presenter David Dimbleby said a question had been submitted by a member of the public to the panel referring to the 'hideous murder of Alice Gross'. The question was: 'Should there be freedom of movement including convicted criminals across EU borders?' The discussion lasted about eight minutes.

The Great British Bake Off equalled its highest ever overnight ratings on Wednesday. The semi-final of the popular BBC1 show rose by around half a million viewers from the previous episode, averaging 8.82 million at 8pm, a near thirty nine per cent audience share. This is Bake Off's highest overnight rating for the current series and equals the average audience of last year's final which was broadcast on BBC2. An Extra Slice gathered 1.49m at 10pm on BBC2. Later, Our Zoo continued with 4.50m at 9pm, while A Question of Sport was watched by two million punters at 10.35pm. BBC2's Long Shadow brought in seven hundred and twenty one thousand at 8pm, followed by Rwanda's Untold Story with six hundred and fifty six thousand at 9pm. On ITV, risible remake Celebrity Squares spectacularly failed to entertain as it flopped to 2.27m at 8pm. Scott and Bailey appealed to 3.81m at 9pm. Channel Four's Double Your Gaff For Half The Bread was seen by 1.09m at 8pm, followed by Grand Designs with 1.90m at 9pm. The Paedophile Hunter attracted 1.22m at 10pm. On Channel Five, Nightmare Neighbour Next Door drew 1.44m. Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away interested 1.66m at 9pm, followed by Wentworth with six hundred and fifty seven thousand at 10pm. ITV2's The Job Lot was watched by two hundred and ninety five thousand at 10pm.

Ripper Street is to launch its third series on Amazon in mid-November. The series will premiere with a double-bill on Amazon Prime Instant Video on Friday 14 November at 9pm. A new episode will then be released on the service at 9pm every Friday until its finale on Boxing Day. The series will subsequently be broadcast on BBC1 and BBC America sometime in 2015. Amazon members will also be able to view exclusive extended episodes of the series, including scenes which will not be shown on television. Matthew Macfadyen, Jerome Flynn and Adam Rothenberg will return for the third series of the Victorian crime drama. The gothic period thriller was cancelled by the BBC late last year due to falling ratings, prompting an outcry from fans. However, a new eight-episode series was commissioned thanks to a co-production deal between the BBC and Amazon Prime Instant Video.
Some middle-class hippy Communist scum louse of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star has written yet another hateful, agenda-soaked pile of diarrhoea about Jezza Clarkson. How very surprising. There must be a 'y' in the day. Next ...
A former Scum of the World news executive has extremely admitted that he was involved in phone-hacking, sixteen months after pleading not guilty to the crime in the Old Bailey. Ian Edmondson's dramatic about-turn marks the final chapter in the phone-hacking trial which ended in June with the conviction of the Prime Minister's former, if you will, 'chum', Andy Coulson the former Scum of the World editor. Edmondson spoke only to confirm his name and to say 'guilty' when asked to formally enter his plea. He was charged with conspiring to hack phones between 3 October 2000 and 9 August 2006 together with Andy Coulson and with the convicted hacker, Glen Mulcaire, the paper's former royal editor Clive Goodman, its former news desk executives Greg Miskiw, Neville Thurlbeck and James Weatherup, the paper's former feature writer Dan Evans and 'other persons known and unknown.' Edmondson was one of the original eight defendants at the Old Bailey trial but was deemed 'unfit' to continue on the twenty ninth day of proceedings. Before he was released from trial, the jury heard how he was one of four news editors for whom the convicted hacker Mulcaire worked. Among the Mulcaire's targets that Edmondson was implicated in were Sienna Miller, her mother, her publicist and her former partner Jude Law, as well as his personal assistant. Edmondson worked for the paper in the 1990s and then rejoined the tabloid's news desk in 2004, becoming news editor in 2005, a position which he held until he was suspended in December 2010 and subsequently very dismissed for gross misconduct in January 2011. He was in charge of the news desk when Mulcaire and the paper's royal editor Clive Goodman were arrested in August 2006 on suspicion of hacking. Edmondson's suspension four years later came after three e-mails implicating him in Mulcaire's sick and sordid hacking ways came to light. These suggested that hacking was not confined to Goodman whom the company had claimed for four years was operating as 'a single "rogue" reporter' and led to the launch of Operation Weeting, Scotland Yard's phone-hacking investigation in January 2011. Mulcaire's The e-mails contained the mobile and pin numbers for Joan Hammell, a special adviser to Lord Prescott, former lack of culture secretary Tessa Jowell and minor royal Freddie Windsor. The jury heard that during Edmondson's reign on the news desk the paper was also hacking rival journalists on the Scum Mail on Sunday in an attempt to discover what they knew about Prescott's alleged affair with his diary secretary, Tracey Temple, in a 'dog-eat-dog' fight for stories. After the paper hacked Temple and her ex-husband and got nowhere, the prosecution said that Edmondson got hold of Hammell's number and passed it to Mulcaire. Mulcaire went on to obtain her pin and listened to forty five messages. He then e-mailed Edmondson telling him: 'This is how you can hack the phone so that you too can hear them', according to the contents of e-mails disclosed during the trial. 'In the dog-eat-dog world of journalism, in this frenzy to get the huge story and to try to get something other than everybody else, that is what you do, we suggest, if you are Ian Edmondson – you hack the competition,' prosecutor Andrew Edis QC told jurors in his opening speech. One defendant had claimed that hacking was so widespread that Edmondson was even accessing Coulson's own voicemail to find out which stories he favoured. When Mulcaire's home was raided by police in 2006, officers discovered a large cache of notes recording who had tasked him to hack phones, including 'Ian'. Edmondson's decision to plead very guilty means that eight of the ten so far charged and dealt with for phone-hacking at the Scum of the World have been convicted or pleaded very guilty.

Meanwhile, the first Sun journalist to be charged for payments to police for leaking stories will face a retrial after a jury failed to reach a verdict at the Old Bailey. Vince Soodin had been charged with conspiracy to cause misconduct in public office over a single payment of five hundred smackers to a police officer in Brighton in 2010. The jury returned on Wednesday to tell the judge that they could not reach a unanimous verdict and were discharged on Thursday afternoon having failed also to reach a majority verdict. Judge Gordon told the jury: 'Whether you can agree and it's clear that you can't, so be it. It happens sometimes and the procedure now is that I discharge you in giving a verdict in this case in your role. There is no point you struggling over this any longer.' Soodin was the second journalist to come to trial as a result of Scotland Yard's Operation Elveden investigation into unlawful disclosure of confidential information by public officials which has seen twenty three journalists charged. He had been arrested in August 2012 following disclosure by News International of e-mails between him and a police sergeant, James Bowes, of Sussex Police in June 2010. The officer had e-mailed the paper on Saturday 19 June using a false name 'Mike' with a 'tip-off' about a three-year-old boy who had been bitten by a fox at a children's party. Soodin was manning the news desk on his own that day and claimed that he sent off a 'stock reply' saying he would be happy to pay for the information. He later recommended that Bowes be paid seven hundred and fifty knicker, but this was knocked down to five hundred quid by his superiors. Soodin went on to corroborate the tip with a story appearing in the paper the following Monday but returned to Bowes for help in relation to the surname of the boy later that week. During the trial his counsel, William Harbage QC, told jurors that Bowes was treated like any other 'tipster' and that Soodin had been 'disarmingly open and frank' with his 'bosses' that the information had come from a police officer.

News International withdrew its application to recover the costs of the well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks trial after the judge started to explore the company's conduct in relation to the first phone-hacking scandal in 2006. In a judgment handed down on Wednesday, Mr Justice Saunders said that the company, now trading as News UK, had argued it would 'be wrong in law to take into account the position of News International as the owner of the News of the World or its conduct as relevant factors' in his assessment of a cost application. The judge wanted several questions answered. In the published judgment he said: 'The questions included some relating to the relationship between News International and the News of the World and the conduct of News International after the arrest and prosecution of Clive Goodman in 2006 up to the start of the investigation known as Operation Weeting.' The eight-month phone-hacking trial heard allegations of a cover-up following the arrest of the Scum of the World's royal reporter Goodman, who was extremely jailed along with private investigator Glenn Mulcaire in 2007 for hacking-related crimes. Saunders wanted to hear submissions from News UK on events between Goodman's arrest and the re-opening of Scotland Yard's hacking investigation, Operation Weeting, four years later in January 2011. The judge said that he had sought legal advice on News UK's response to his questions but, before he had received the submission from independent counsel, the publisher told him they 'would not be seeking the recovering of the costs that had expended in paying for the defence of the defendants.' It emerged at a hearing on Wednesday that well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks was dropping her application for costs because News UK, who indemnified her, decided that they were no longer going to seek reimbursement from her. Well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks's legal costs were estimated to run to between five and seven million knicker. The judge heard on Wednesday that Cheryl Carter, well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks's former secretary, and three security personnel, including News UK's head of security Mark Hanna, were also dropping their applications for costs. There were also cleared of any offences. Stuart Kuttner, the Scum of the World's former managing editor, and well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks's husband, millionaire Old Etonian Charlie, were also cleared. Kuttner was indemnified by News UK from January 2013 and is seeking one hundred and thirty five grand in costs incurred before that date. Millionaire Old Etonian Charlie Brooks, who was not indemnified by News UK, is applying to recover half a million quid in costs, plus VAT. The legal submissions made by News UK in relation to the costs will not be made public, Saunders ruled, as they were 'not referred to in open court' and because the formal cost applications were never actually made.

The former legal manager at the Scum of the World, whose office safe contained transcripts of the former home secretary David Blunkett’s voicemails, had been told he will not face prosecution. Tom Crone, who was responsible for the tabloid’s legal affairs at the height of the phone-hacking scandal, was arrested more than two years ago on suspicion of being involved in the conspiracy which has seen the paper's former editor Andy Coulson extremely jailed. He was told by the Crown Prosecution Service on Friday that he will not face any charges in relation to two counts involving a conspiracy to intercept phone messages at the paper. 'After careful consideration it has been decided that there is insufficient evidence for a realistic prospect of conviction. This decision has been made in accordance with the code for crown prosecutors,' it said in a statement. The contents of his safe included the transcripts of voicemails left by Blunkett to Kimberly Quinn, a married woman with whom he was having an affair. During the phone-hacking trial, Coulson testified that he had told Crone about the hacking of Blunkett's messages in 2004. 'At the time of David Blunkett, there was no mention of illegality', Coulson claimed. The jury, seemingly, did not believe him.

The Liberal Democrats have demanded an official investigation into reports that an adviser to the Home Secretary Theresa May called Nick Clegg 'a wanker.' Which might, jus, be the first case in recorded history of a Tory being criticised for telling the truth.

A seventeen-year-old boy with an alleged fixation on the TV series Dexter has been jailed for twenty five years for stabbing to death his seventeen-year-old girlfriend and dismembering her body. Steven Miles, who was sixteen at the time of his horrible crime, killed Elizabeth Thomas at his family home in Oxted on 24 January. After stabbing her in the head and back, he dismembered her legs and arm, wrapped them in cling-film and put them in bin bags. The teenage politics student used saws and tools from his father's tree surgery business to cut up her body, which he had covered in a plastic sheet. Miles, who had been diagnosed as having an autistic syndrome, told his family that he had an alter ego whom he called Ed and who had instructed him to kill someone. When the defendant's sister returned home to the flat about an hour after the murder, Miles told her: 'Ed made me do something bad.' During the sentencing hearing at Guildford crown court, the court heard that Miles had a fascination with horror films and the macabre and had wanted to emulate the actions of Dexter, the titular character of a popular American TV series about a police forensics officer who is also a serial killer. The judge, Christopher Critchlow, told Miles: 'This is a case of the utmost gravity, the horrific features of which are rarely heard in any court. Nothing this court can say or do, no sentence this court can impose can alleviate the pain suffered by Elizabeth Thomas's family for a death in such a terrible manner. There must be a life sentence.' At the start of the hearing, the judge warned the court that the case involved details that were 'extremely unpleasant and may cause considerable distress to anyone listening', and he advised anyone of a nervous disposition to leave. He said that the killing was predetermined and he would have given a whole life term if the defendant had been an adult but, as Miles was a child, he was not allowed to pass that sentence. Critchlow said that eminent psychiatrists had agreed Miles was not schizophrenic and therefore did not have a defence of diminished responsibility. Miles showed no emotion as the sentence was passed. Lewis Power QC, defending Miles, described the murder as 'a chilling, blood-curdling and sustained' killing. He said that Miles had 'pleaded guilty to a horrendous crime which is beyond belief because of its horrific nature. This was a truly gruesome killing ripped from the pages of a hit TV script. The evidence points to the defendant trying to emulate the actions of the character Dexter, who he idolised. The case is a sad testament to the perils of how young people can become entrenched in modern TV blockbusters involving violence which shockingly led to a copycat killing in real life.' He said the 'phenomenon' of Ed was 'not fully understood' by psychiatrists but they agreed that the defendant was not psychotic.

A woman has been cleared of attempting to kill her mother by poisoning her diet coke in a plot said to have been inspired by the cult American TV show Breaking Bad. Kuntal Patel was accused of lacing her mother Meena's drink with a ricin-like toxin after she 'forbade' her daughter from marrying her fiance. Giving evidence in the trial, Patel admitted that she 'fantasised' about being a lead character in Breaking Bad, an obsession which drove her to pay nine hundred and fifty smackers in the virtual currency Bitcoin for a quantity of deadly abrin. 'It was like I saw myself to be some kind of Mexican drug warlord. I would think it through as if I was the main character in Breaking Bad,' Patel claimed in evidence at Southwark crown court. 'It was all a big mess.' Patel, a volunteer at the London Olympics, was found not guilty of attempted murder by a jury on Thursday. She had previously pleaded guilty to acquiring a biological agent or toxin. As her relationship with her mother came under increasing strain, Patel admitted that she e-mailed a poisons dealer in America to demand deadly toxins. In one e-mail. sent last December, she told her supplier that something 'must have gone wrong' because the 'target drank all' of the poison but was still alive. However, Patel told jurors that the e-mails were just part of a fantasy created to deal with the strain of her home life. The fantasy was alleged to have turned into a murder plot after she watched an episode of Breaking Bad when teacher-turned-drug-dealer Walter White kills a rival with ricin-laced tea. Explaining the e-mails to the poison dealer, Patel told the court: 'By this time, because of the messages I received from my mum and because I couldn't cope with it and I wanted to escape from it all, I started to fantasise about trying to kill myself or my mum,' she said. 'It was as if I was thinking through it as if I was in my own TV programme or a character in Breaking Bad. I was in a really strange place in my mind.' The two-week trial heard that Patel, who was brought up a strict Gujrati Hindu, had never had a boyfriend or a Valentine's Day card and was desperate to settle down and have children. Her profile on dating websites was written by her mother Meena, a magistrate who sits on the bench at Thames magistrates' court in Bow, who was described as 'highly manipulative and controlling'. Patel struck up a relationship with Niraj Kakad, who lived in Phoenix, Arizona, on the Asian dating website Shaadi.com and the pair got engaged on Thanksgiving in November 2012. But her mother was 'hell-bent' on scuppering Patel's blossoming relationship and is said to have locked Patel in their home and beaten and bullied her in an attempt to break up the romance. Patel, a Barclays Bank graphic designer, was 'driven to despair' and began researching ways to kill herself – or her mother – on the Internet. Patel showed little emotion as she was cleared of attempted murder. She will be sentenced on 7 November for acquiring a toxin.

The BBC's Panorama is to 'scale back' its investigative journalism and feature more analysis and familiar faces such as Fiona Bruce following criticism of the corporation's current affairs output and an exodus of senior staff. Panorama, the world's longest running TV current affairs show has suffered falling ratings in recent years - albeit, it was never the biggest attractor of an audience - and will now feature more news analysis programmes examining the background to big stories, fronted by high profile figures including Today host John Humphrys and Bruce, who also hosts BBC1's Antiques Roadshow and the Six O'Clock News. The shift in editorial emphasis follows the departure of Panorama's editor and two of its deputy editors, and the decision earlier this year to make its four dedicated reporters, John Sweeney, Shelley Jofre, Paul Kenyon and Raphael Rowe, redundant. Alleged BBC current affairs 'insiders' allegedly described it as 'the most significant crisis to affect Panorama in anybody's memory' and 'a massacre.' At least, according to some louse of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star. Another senior current affairs producer allegedly said it was 'a complete tragedy' for the programme, which was first broadcast on the BBC in 1953. 'It will continue to do investigations but less often,' the Gruniad claim that an alleged - anonymous, and therefore, almost certainly fictitious - BBC current affairs source is alleged to have said. 'But if Panorama doesn't do investigations then what is its unique selling point? The programme is supposed to be about holding people in power to account.' Another alleged 'source' allegedly close to the programme allegedly said: 'People have been told it is not their job to right wrongs, but if Panorama is to be an institution then it has to be able scare people.'Panorama has scored some significant successes in recent years including its 2011 exposé of abuse at the Winterbourne View care home in Gloucestershire, where an undercover reporter recorded secret footage of patients being abused by carers. But its ratings have been in long-term decline, down twenty per cent last year to an average of 2.3 million viewers per episode. One programme, an hour-long 'cash for questions' scoop about the then Tory MP Patrick Mercer, was watched by only 1.3 million viewers despite boasting one of the biggest political scoops of 2013. A critical report by the BBC Trust earlier this year said that the corporation's current affairs output, including Panorama, was failing to stand out and was being outgunned by Channel Four's Dispatches. Panorama programmes have also attracted criticism, including last year's undercover trip to North Korea and its investigation into charities including Comic Relief, both of which caused rows which drew in the BBC Director General, Tony Hall. Alleged BBC 'insiders' allegedly believe that it may have suffered as a result of the controversy around the two programmes, as well as Panoramas investigation into the Newsnight Savile fiasco in October 2012, which was heavily critical of the rival BBC2 programme and senior corporation executives. All the senior journalists involved in the Savile programme are either leaving the BBC or have been moved to a new role. The change in direction on Panorama echoes a move in the late 1980s, under its then Director General John Birt and Lord Hall, who was at the time its director of TV news, to move away from investigative reporting to more analysis and issue-based programmes. Uncertainty continues to surround Panorama, with acting editor Ceri Thomas having to reapply for the role and its four-strong team of reporters likely to remain until next spring, nearly a year after they were told they were being made redundant as part of a forty eight million smackers cost-cutting package. Thomas, put in temporary charge of Panorama this year after previous editor Tom Giles was moved to a new job overseeing a report into BBC current affairs, is understood to want 'high end' impactful investigations which make headlines. But management is said to want to move away from mid-ranking investigations that fail to surprise or have a lasting impact, with a belief that some programmes over the last few years have not been strong enough for a prestigious BBC brand. Thomas, the BBC's former head of news programmes whose old role was in effect abolished in a shake up by BBC news chief James Harding nine days ago, is expected to apply for the role on a permanent basis. A BBC spokesman said: 'Panorama is and will remain the BBC's flagship investigative programme. We are keen to ensure that it has the resources to deliver regular, hard-hitting investigations. We also believe there is room for occasional news analysis programmes to help explain in greater depth developing or complex stories. Far from diluting the values which underpin Panorama we are confident that these changes will strengthen its impact for viewers.'

Ofcom's chief executive Ed Richards is to stand down after eleven years at the UK media and communications regulator, a politically-appointed qunago, elected by no one. Richards, who as Tony Blair's senior media policy adviser shaped the Communication Act which created Ofcom in the first place and then joined the regulator ahead of its launch in late 2003 as a senior partner, has been in the top job since 2006. Richards will stand down at the end of the year with headhunters Zygos hired to lead the search to find a successor by the new year. 'It has been a privilege to lead Ofcom during such an exciting and dynamic period in the evolution of the UK's communications sector,' said Richards. 'It is never easy leaving a job that you enjoy greatly but I have always felt that once I had completed eight years as chief executive this would be the right time to move on.' Richards replaced Stephen Carter as chief executive of Ofcom in 2006, having been made chief operating officer the year before. 'Ed has been an outstanding chief executive,' said the Ofcom chair, Patricia Hodgson. 'Under his leadership, Ofcom has helped to deliver superfast broadband, 4G, lower prices, innovation, competition, and sustainable public service broadcasting in the UK. He leaves an impressive legacy. On behalf of the board I would like to thank him for his enormous contribution.'

The singer and songwriter Lynsey de Paul has died at the age of sixty four, following a suspected brain haemorrhage. De Paul, who represented the UK in the 1977 Eurovision Song Contest with the song 'Rock Bottom', had five top twenty chart hits, including 1972's 'Sugar Me'. She became the first woman to win an Ivor Novello award for songwriting. 'Although she was small in stature, she was very big in positive personality,' said her agent Michael Joyce. 'She was always so positive about everything.' De Paul, who broke into the music scene in 1971, followed up 'Sugar Me' with 'Getting a Drag', which reached number eighteen in the charts. Her 1973 hit 'Won't Somebody Dance With Me?' won her an Novello award. A second followed a year later for 'No Honestly' a top ten hit which was also used as the theme tune to the ITV sitcom of the same name, starring Pauline Collins and John Alderton. De Paul also wrote the theme to Esther Rantzen's BBC1 series Hearts Of Gold. De Paul never married but was romantically linked to a string of well-known men including Sean Connery, Dudley Moore, Roy Wood and Ringo Starr. An interview with the Scum Mail in 2007 revealed that she had five offers of marriage, including one from the actor James Coburn and another from Chas Chandler, the former bassist with The Animals. Lynsey was born in Southwark to Meta de Groot and Herbert Rubin, a property developer, she grew up in a Jewish family in Cricklewood and attended South Hampstead High School followed by Hornsey College of Art, now part of Middlesex University. Starting a sleeve designer, she began songwriting in the early 1970s, initially providing co-written songs for others including the actor Jack Wild, Barry Blue and, most notably, The Fortunes (she co-wrote their 1972 hit 'Storm in a Teacup'). A few months later she gained notice as the performer in her own right with 'Sugar Me' which was not only a big hit ,in Britain and across Europe but, was also covered in the US by Nancy Sinatra and Claudine Longet. Lynsey reached the height of her popularity in the mid-1970s, with number one hits in Switzerland, Spain, Belgium and the Netherlands and her Eurovision song, 'Rock Bottom' a duet with fellow songwriter Mike Moran. However, her popularity waned in the late 1970s although she continued to compose and perform, famously singing her own song at the Conservative Party conference in 1983. She also starred in celebrity quiz shows such as Blankety Blank and more recently, reality shows including Cash In The Attic and Come Dine With Me. In 1992, De Paul presented a documentary about women's self-defence, called Eve Fights Back, which won a Royal Television Society award. The singer had spoken previously of her abusive childhood, and her history of violent relationships. Her niece, Olivia Rubin, told The Times that her death was 'completely unexpected', adding: 'She was a vegetarian, she didn't smoke, she didn't drink - she was amazing, in fact.'

Yer actual Kate Bush has performed the last of a series of twenty two comeback concerts in London, suggesting it will be 'a while' before she appears on stage again. Well, since it's been thirty five years since her last series of shows, I don't think too many people were expecting another one next year, to be fair. 'We're all really sad as it's the last night,' she told the audience at Hammersmith on Wednesday. 'I'm going to miss everyone so much.' Almost eighty thousand tickets were sold for the fifty six-year-old's five-week residency. The strain of performing live for the first time in thirty five years appeared to have had little effect on the singer, who was in fine voice throughout her three-hour set. As previously reported, the concert combined renditions of hits including 'Running Up That Hill', 'Hounds of Love' and 'King Of The Mountain', with elaborately staged versions of song cycles from her Hounds Of Love and Aerial LPs. The evening ended with a special shout-out to performer Charlotte Williams, whose portrayal of a wooden puppet who comes to life was described by Bush as 'our secret weapon. Every night she has played this part for us and up until tonight she's never had a round of applause,' said the singer. The show ended with a performance of the 1985 single 'Cloudbusting' and a lengthy standing ovation, during which Bush was presented with numerous bouquets. 'Thank you again everyone for sharing this with all of us,' she told the audience, blowing kisses as she took her leave. No further concerts are scheduled, though there has been speculation that one or more of the shows had been filmed last month for a future DVD release. Wednesday's audience largely obeyed the singer's request to refrain from taking photographs or recording footage on their phones during the performance. Despite this, excerpts from previous shows have surfaced online. The run has not been without the occasional hiccup, with one concert in September delayed by more than an hour by a power cut. One Twitter user saw the funny side, noting that the hold-up had risked causing 'the most middle class riot ever.'

And speaking of Katie her very self, on Thursday evening yer actual Keith Telly Topping attended Uncle Scunthorpe's latest Record Player at the Tyneside and, it just happened to be The Bush's own The Whole Story. Which was nice.

Meanwhile ...
To which the only thing to add, really, is ...
Ahem. Sorry.

A silent Sherlock Holmes film made in 1916 and featuring the only screen performance by William Gillette has been found in the French film archive. The film, thought to have been lost forever, had been wrongly catalogued decades ago by staff at the Cinematique Francaise. The American actor Gillette made his name as Holmes mainly on stage, bringing his trademark deerstalker and pipe to life for the first time. The movie is being restored and will be shown at a French festival next year. It is due to be premiered in the US at the San Francisco Silent Film Festival in May 2015. Gillette, who died in 1937, gave what was seen at the time as the definitive portrayal of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's legendary sleuth, adopting many of the traits that have been seen since and survive to this day. He was also a playwright, and wrote the story for the 1916 film which was simply entitled Sherlock Holmes. It was made in Chicago in 1915 at the Essanay Studios, which is best known for a series of short Charlie Chaplin films made around the same time. The feature-length film contained elements from various Conan Doyle mysteries featuring the famous detective, and was presented in promotional material as being in seven acts. The version uncovered in Paris had captions in French and was ready to be colour-tinted specifically for the French market at the time. It had been mixed up with some other unrelated material and not been labelled properly. Staff at the archive came across it while working on an extensive project to catalogue the thousands of nitrate film reels in its collection. Bryony Dixon, curator of silent film at the British Film Institute, said it was 'top of the list' in the canon of missing Sherlock Holmes films, so is 'a pretty exciting find. This also connects with Victorian theatre which is more obscure than early film. It's exciting to get Gillette in particular. He made Sherlock Holmes a character for the first time rather than a caricature and it's amazing how much we think of him was based on Gillette's image. Quite often discoveries are made in plain sight like this. Collections have cans that just say "film" on them and you don't know what's in them until you get them out, which can be very time consuming.' The restoration, which is being carried out in Bologna, will strive to show the film as it was originally intended, added Dixon who noted that the BFI is hunting for a 1914 adaptation of A Study in Scarlet - the first British film portrayal of the character - and said the latest discovery could help its ongoing search.

And finally, dear blog reader, for the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, the question of the day, as it were. Tell 'em all about it, Mister Echo.

Filming has, reportedly, concluded on the current series of Doctor Who, with the final shots of the 2014 Christmas episode now in the can. Director Paul Wilmshurst tweeted: 'And that's a wrap on the Doctor Who Xmas [sic] Special. Been a lovely experience - fab crew, fab cast, fab script, fab sets. Thanks everyone!' The special features yer actual Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman her very self, alongside Nick Frost. Filming commenced on 8 September, following the cast's world tour and took place at a number of locations including Vaendre Hall, an Italianate Victorian manor house in St Mellons near Cardiff. The episode is expected to be screened on BBC1e on Christmas Day, with broadcasts following around the world. A wrap party was held for cast and crew on Friday evening to mark the completion of filming on Peter Capalid's first series as The Doctor.
Strictly Come Dancing dominated primetime on Saturday, earning more than nine million overnight viewers. BBC1's dancing competition attracted an audience of 9.06m between 6.20pm and 8.30pm. It peaked at 9.99 million just before 8pm. Meanwhile, The X Factor on ITV was watched by 6.94m from 8pm, with a peak of 7.51m at around 8.45pm. This represents one of The X Factor's lowest ever overnight audience figures for a Saturday episode since its first series in 2004. Elsewhere on BBC1, the latest Doctor Who episode Kill The Moon drew an overnight audience of 4.82m at 8:30pm, more of less exactly the same overnight figure as for its last two episodes. Once again, expect a timeshift of around two million to take that figure up to somewhere approaching seven million punters on final and consolidated totals. The episode had an AI score of eighty two. A very well-trailed episode of Casualty drew 4.74m afterwards, the long-running medical drama's highest overnight audience in some months. On BBC2, an episode of Dad's Army was seen by 1.57m, with Genesis: Together & Apart appealing to 1.4 million stinking lice-ridden hippies afterwards from 9.15pm. Did we fight The Punk Wars for this, dear blog reader? ITV's The Chase was watched by 2.95m in the 7pm hour. Later, Through the Keyhole took 3.53m from 9.20pm. Channel Four aired Aaron Eckhart's war movie Battle: Los Angeles to five hundred and eighty four thousand from 9.20pm. On Channel Five, Joe Kidd and A Fistful Of Dollars drew seven hundred and thirty four thousand and eight hundred and forty seven thousand punters respectively. Midsomer Murders appealed to six hundred and sixty six thousand from 9pm on ITV3.
The X Factor was watched by nearly 8.5 million overnight viewers on Sunday but, once again, lost out in a head-to-head with Strictly. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads's singing contest drew 8.49m to ITV in the 8pm hour. Elsewhere, Sunday Night At The Palladium was watched by 3.07m from 7pm, and Downton Abbey had an audience of 7.47m from 9pm. On BBC1, the first Strictly Come Dancing results show - which saw Gregg Wallace leaving the competition  at the opening hurdle - attracted 8.84m between 7.20pm and 8pm. Afterwards, Antiques Roadshow and the drama Our Girl garnered 5.41m and 3.64m respectively. BBC2's Wonders Of The Monsoon began with 1.86m from 8pm. It was followed by Sacred Rivers With Simon Reeve with 1.89m. On Channel Four, Operation Maneater concluded with five hundred and ninety nine thousand in the 8pm hour. A terrestrial debut of the George Clooney movie The Descendants earned 1.38m from 9pm. Channel Five showed Welcome To The Jungle, which was seen by six hundred and seventy two thousand punters from 8.05pm.

Grantchester premiered to more than five million overnight viewers on Monday. ITV's new period detective drama series averaged 5.24m in the 9pm hour. it was quite good actually, and it's certainly nice to see Wor Geet Canny Robson Green back on telly doing something a wee bit more taxing than bellowing 'eeeee, it's a whoppa!' as he's just caught something long and wriggly in a tropical location. Stop sniggering at the back. Earlier on ITV, The Undriveables took 2.45m from 8pm. On BBC1, Panorama was watched by 3.1m from 8.30pm. It was followed by the latest episode of New Tricks, which appealed to 4.8m at 9pm. BBC2's University Challenge managed 2.63m from 8pm, before Only Connect attracted 1.87m. New series The Kitchen was watched by an audience of nine hundred and thirty one thousand from 9pm. On Channel Four, Jamie's Comfort Food drew 1.18m from 8pm, and Gadget Man had 1.03m from 8.30pm. Channel Five's Ultimate Police Interceptors gathered eight hundred and seventeen thousand in the 8pm slot. Too Tough To Teach? was watched by four hundred and sixty one thousand afterwards.
Here, meanwhile, are the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty Five programmes for week-ending Sunday 28 September 2014:-
1 Strictly Come Dancing - Sat BBC1 - 9.40m
2 The Great British Bake Off - Wed BBC1 - 9.02m
3 Downton Abbey - Sun ITV - 8.62m*
4 The X Factor - Sun ITV - 8.16m*
5 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.25m
6 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.04m*
7 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 6.82m
8 Cilla - Mon ITV - 6.70m*
9 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 6.26m*
10 The Driver - Tues BBC1 - 5.37m
11 New Tricks - Mon BBC1 - 5.25m
12 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.02m
13= Our Girl - Sun BBC1 - 4.90m
13= Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.90m
15 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 4.83m
16 Our Zoo - Wed BBC1 - 4.81m
17 Scott & Bailey - Wed ITV - 4.80m*
18 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.69m
19 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 4.51m
20 Ten O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 4.44m
21 Six O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.37m
22 Paul O'Grady: For The Love Of Dogs - Thurs ITV - 4.19m*
23 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 4.18m
24 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 3.83m
25 Sunday Night At The London Palladium - Sun ITV - 3.82m*
All ITV programmes this week are marked '*' and do not include include HD figures as, seemingly, the channel didn't bother to post any to BARB. Doctor Who's final figure included a timeshift of 1.92 million viewers over the initial 'live' audience, the first timeshift which has been below two million of the series so far. Sunday evening's episode of The X Factor had a final rating of 7.16 million viewers whilst the Friday night episode could only manage 5.26 million (although, again, it's worth noting that both figures do not include HD viewers). As mentioned last week, ITV's current batch of dramas continued to pull in unexpectedly low figures. The impressive biopic Cilla aside, Scott & Bailey is well down on its last series, whilst the final episode of Chasing Shadows was watched by a mere 3.26 million. BBC2's top rated programme of the week was University Challenge with 2.95m, followed by Gardeners' World (2.28m), Only Connect (2.28m) and Marvellous (2.15m). Channel Four's highest-rated show was Gogglebox (2.97m) followed by Grand Designs (2.56m). Channel Five's best performer was CSI: Crime Scene Investigation with 1.53m. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's best performer with eight hundred and seventy five thousand. Do We Need The Moon? drew BBC4's biggest audience of the week (six hundred and sixty thousand).

Yer actual Christopher Eccleston is to the lead the cast of ITV's new drama series Safe House. The former Doctor Who actor, currently starring in the US series The Leftovers will play a retired detective in the four-part series, also starring White Collar's Marsha Thomason. Safe House follows the story of Robert (Eccleston), a former police officer and his wife Katy (Thomason) - a couple who are asked by a close friend and police officer, Mark (Paterson Joseph) to turn their remote guest house into a safe house. The first 'guests' to use the facility are a family in protective custody after being violently attacked by a stranger who claimed to know them. Eighteen months previously, Robert was shot trying to protect a star witness due to testify against her gangster husband. Protecting this new family in a similar situation causes Robert to re-examine that terrifying night and, soon, he uncovers a web of lies. Jason Merrells, Nicola Stephenson and Peter Ferdinando will also appear in the drama, set in the Lake District and inspired by real life events. Sounds rather good and the cast is exceptionally strong. Safe House - potentially a returnable series for ITV - has been created and written by Michael Crompton (whose script-writing work includes Silent Witness and Kidnap and Ransom). Filming on the series commences this week.

Martin Freeman his very self and Anthony LaPaglia will star in a BBC2 drama about the televising of the 1961 trial in Israel of Nazi scumbag Adolf Eichmann, one of the main architects of the Holocaust. The Eichmann Show will be the centrepiece of the BBC's season to mark the seventieth anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz-Birkenau, the largest Nazi extermination camp during the Second World War. The ninety-minute film will star Marty as the producer Milton Fruchtman and LaPaglia as director Leo Hurwitz. The Adolf Eichmann trial, described at the time as the 'trial of the century', was televised in thirty seven countries. It was the first time that most people had heard details of the full horror of the death camps and culminated in a sentence of death for Eichmann who was hanged in 1962. Tragically, nobody chose to televise that. The BBC will also broadcast a string of documentaries about remembrance. A Story Of Remembrance will see three women tell their stories to reinforce why the memory of the Holocaust should never be forgotten. Touched By Auschwitz will explore the lives of six individuals since they left the camp at the end of the war, while Holocaust: Freddie Knoller's War tells the story of a ninety three-year-old survivor, who lived a champagne lifestyle with Nazi officers before having to face the horrors of the camps. BBC4 will broadcast Claude Lanzmann's acclaimed 1985 documentary series Shoah, which uses interviews with survivors and perpetrators of the Holocaust and footage of where the deaths took place to convey the severity of what happened. The BBC will also show special editions of Big Questions, asking whether such events could ever happen again, and Sunday Worship, which will feature Canon David Porter preaching about the lessons of the Holocaust. Danny Cohen, the BBC's Director of Television, said: 'The liberation of the camps is a very significant anniversary which the BBC will mark with a range of thought-provoking programmes. Alongside new documentaries and drama from acclaimed performers and producers, the BBC will re-show Shoah in full and provide coverage of the Holocaust Memorial Event [on January 27].'

Tom Hiddleston and the legend that is Huge Laurie are to appear together in a new TV series. They will lead the cast of The Night Manager, a espionage drama based on John Le Carre's novel of the same name, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The BBC will broadcast the series in Great Britain, and is said to be currently seeking a US network to co-produce and screen the adaptation in America. A classic spy novel, first published in 1993, The Night Manager follows Jonathan Pine, a British soldier turned auditor for a luxurious hotel. Pine crosses paths with Sophie, a French-Arab woman with ties to Richard Onslow Roper, an English black marketeer who made his fortune from weapons trading. After Sophie is killed, Pine works with MI6 intelligence operatives and goes undercover as part of a sting operation against Roper to avenge Sophie's death and bring Roper to justice. The TV adaptation - written by David Farr - will mark Laurie's first major television role since House ended in 2012.

Cult 1990s TV series Twin Peaks - a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping - is to return with a new series after twenty five years, co-creator David Lynch has said. The unsettling, surreal drama, which explored the murky goings-on in a small US border town after the murder of a local teenager, captivated viewers in 1990 and 1991. The third series will comprise nine episodes and will be broadcast on the Showtime network in the US in 2016. It will, reportedly, be set in the present day, twenty five years after the events of the series two. If you never saw it first time around dear blog reader, you missed a treat. As with much of Lynch's other work, most notably the movie Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks explores the gulf between the veneer of small-town respectability and the seedier layers of life lurking beneath it. As the series progressed, the inner darkness of characters who initially appeared innocent and upright was revealed, as they were seen to be leading double lives. Twin Peaks's unsettling tone and supernatural features were consistent with horror movies, but its sometimes camp, melodramatic portrayal of quirky characters engaged in morally dubious activities reflected a bizarrely comical parody of American soap operas. Like the rest of Lynch's work, the show represented an, at times overly earnest, moral inquiry distinguished by both offbeat humour and a deep vein of surrealism. Great soundtrack too. A statement accompanying Lynch's YouTube video announcing the return said: 'The groundbreaking television phenomenon, Golden Globe and Peabody Award-winner Twin Peaks will return as a new limited series on Showtime in 2016. Series creators and executive producers David Lynch and Mark Frost will write and produce all nine episodes of the limited series.' Frost also gave an interview to Deadline Hollywood talking about the plans for the series. The show won three Golden Globe awards in 1991, including best TV drama series and best actor for Kyle MacLachlan who played FBI Agent Dale Cooper who is drawn into the seedy and surreal town of Twin Peaks as he investigates the mysterious death of Laura Palmer. And, when last seen, was smashing his face against a bathroom mirror whilst gazing at the reflection of Bob, Cooper's doppelgänger from The Black Lodge. Or something. After the series was cancelled in 1991, viewers were taken back to Twin Peaks with a wilfully anti-commercial prequel feature film, the fantastically weird Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, in 1992.
And that - very unexpected but welcome - news brings us to the next lot of Top Telly Tips and that:-

Saturday 12 October
'There were many trains to take the name Orient Express, but only one in space.' Holidays and a certain galaxy-hopping Time Lord are not, usually, a happy mix in Doctor Who - 8:35 BBC1. As proved by Midnight, a previous break which involved a deadly alien mimic and all of the bother that the fifth Doctor went to trying to show Tegan and Turlough The Eye Of Orion or the ninth and tenth numerous Doctors' efforts to show Rose the wonders of Barcelona. So, whilst the seen-it-all Gallifreyan speeds through the stars on one of the most beautiful 'trains' in history, of course it is nothing short of inevitable that he also crosses paths with a lethal creature stalking the passengers aboard the Orient Express. That sort of thing happens to The Doctor quite a lot. You might have noticed, dear blog reader. Anyway, once a poor unfortunate victim claps eyes upon the horrifying Mummy in question, they have just sixty six seconds to live. Why, specifically sixty six as opposed to say, a nice round minute I hear to ponder? You'll have to tune in to find out. As ever, The Doctor faces a race against time to defeat his enemy, a conflict which sees the seasoned traveller at his deadliest and most ruthless. Yer actual Peter Capaldi is joined by guest stars Frank Skinner, David Bamber and Christopher Villiers. Foxes also makes an appearance. She, in case you were wondering, is 'a popular beat combo', m'lud. Or something like that. So, you'd better watch it, dear blog reader. For Foxes sake. Next ...
Brilliantly - and I use that word quite wrongly - some plank in scheduling has had the bright idea of putting the latest episode of Qi XL on BBC2 at 9pm on Saturday this week, starting in the middle of Doctor Who. It was on Sunday last week. Any guesses as to where it'll be next week? That one might even baffle the elves. Question master Stephen Fry continues the popular comedy panel quiz's exploration of subjects beginning with the letter L as he asks a range of fiendish questions on the topic of Location, with points being awarded as usual for interesting answers as well as correct ones, yadda yadda. You know the score by now, dear blog reader, it's been going for twelve series. Irish actress, comedienne and writer Aisling Bea makes her Qi debut appearance, joining fellow stand-ups Jason Manford and Johnny Vegas and regular panellist Alan Davies, who are all hoping they don't fall into the elves' traps and set off the klaxon.

The Code - 9:00 BBC4 - is a, rather good looking, Australian political thriller set in the heart of national government, beginning as reporter Ned Banks is alerted to a strange accident involving a couple of Aboriginal teenagers. Perhaps inevitably, Ned unwittingly gets his computer genius and Asperger's sufferer brother, Jesse, involved in the case. The pair then publish a video of the incident and face the full weight of a political machine desperate to keep the truth out of the public eye. Starring Dan Spielman, Ashley Zukerman and Adele Perovic. Followed immediately by the second episode.
Did We Land On The Moon? - 9:00 on 5* (yes, it's a channel on Freeview, look it up) - is, as you might expect from the title is a documentary exploring claims that the first moon landing was 'an elaborate hoax' designed to fool the general public and enable NASA to beat the Soviets in the space race. The programme examines claims of the suspicious deaths of ten space workers in the months leading up to the historic mission, as well as doubts over the veracity of official photographs. Whether it will also look into the question of why the only people who actually believe the we didn't tend to live in their parents basement with their cat but a very active on the Internet, we don't yet know. But, I wouldn't bank on it. Cos, let's face it, who you gonna trust - Neil, Buzz and the other one or, alternatively, Crazy Larry's Conspiracy Theories As Us Dot Com?
Sunday 11 October
Remember when Homeland - 9:00 Channel Four - used to be must-see viewing? I know, 2012 was a long time ago. Anyway, the multi-award-winning - but now very tired-looking - US drama makes a return to our screens for its fourth season. The last time we saw Carrie Mathison, she was extremely pregnant with the late Sergeant Brody's love child and about to take up a new CIA post overseas. When we catch up with her again in this latest episode, she's been promoted to the position of Chief of Station in Kabul and is about to make the biggest decision of her career - she's received some valuable intelligence about a high value target from her counterpart in Islamabad. Should Carrie trust the information and act on it, or wait for further events to unfold? Meanwhile, Saul Berenson is now working in the private sector but hates it - perhaps it won't be long before he's back in action too. Claire Danes and Mandy Patinkin star.

Gimme Some Truth: John Lennon - 10:30 Sky Arts 1 - is a documentary following the alcoholic, wife-beating Scouse junkie and former Be-Atle and his wife, Yoko Ono, as they recorded the LP Imagine at their Ascot estate in 1971. As an 'official' release sanctioned by his widow in the aftermath of his horrifying murder in 1980 it's, unsurprisingly, a complete whitewash and shows little of the man's many flaws, preferring instead to paint him, as some kind of Gandhi-like martyr. Which he wasn't. Not even close. For masochists and 'Saint John of Strawberry Fields'-style brown tongued sycophants only.

In May 1940, a Mark One Spitfire was shot down and crash-landed on a beach in Northern France, where it slowly sank into the sand. The wreckage was finally recovered in the 1980s and stored in France for more than twenty years. In Guy Martin's Spitfire - 7:30 Channel Four - Guy Martin (no, me neither) joins a two-year project to rebuild the aeroplane, revealing the engineering and skills involved, and providing a fitting homage to the bravery of everyone involved in its service.
The divine Goddess that is Suzi Perry presents action from the sixteenth round of the Formula 1 season at the Sochi Autodrom - 7:00 BBC3 - where the first ever F1 race in the country took place. This season has seen Mercedes team-mates Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg locked in a two-way battle for the title, and victory for either driver could help give them an advantage with just three more races remaining. With commentary by Ben Edwards and David Coulthard, and analysis by Eddie Jordan.
Monday 12 October
An elderly amateur sleuth who was a friend of Danny is 'orribly murdered which, of course, means that Dan his very self ends up embroiled in the case when his photo is found at the scene in the latest episode of New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. However, the cold case officer becomes convinced that the secret to uncovering her real killer lies within the last case she was working on but, seemingly, he#s too proud to seek the help of his UCoS colleagues. Which is daft frankly, since they're usually rather good at this sort of thing. Picking up where she left off, he travels to the village of Minchampton, where a woman was said to have been murdered by a local lad twenty five years previously. Minchampton Murders, if you will. Don't give them ideas or someone will go and commission it. Meanwhile, Sasha is left to cope with the investigating officer on the modern-day Miss Marple's murder - an overbearing contemporary from her Hendon training, by the name of DCI Grace Mackie - and Steve lets Gerry stay with him when he is evicted, but soon comes to regret the act of kindness. Which, tragically, means Waterman might be required to do some 'acting' this week. The horror.

Poor Sidney. His sister, Jen, bullies him into attending Amanda's engagement dinner but, of course, seeing the love of his life celebrate her betrothal to another man is the last thing the village vicar wants in the second episode of Grantchester - 9:00 TV. So, Sidney sinks a few too many - try saying that when you've had a few - in a bid to make the evening more palatable (or, go more quickly), but it doesn't work. In fact, nobody at the event seems very happy. Tensions rise between Amanda and Jen's old school friends and then matters erupt when Jen's boyfriend Johnny (Ukweli Roach) who is, gasp, one of our Commonwealth cousins is accused of stealing Amanda's engagement ring. Well, he obviously did it. As if that isn't bad enough, the unfortunate Johnny Foreigner is soon accused of murdering one of his fellow guests and evidence at the scene of the crime seems to back up the theory. But Sidney isn't convinced - can he, with some help from Geordie Keating, unmask the real killer before Johnny gets carted off to the Scrubs and, you know, hanged? Period crime drama with James Norton and Robson Green which, on the strength of the first episode, could be ITV's first genre hit since Broadchurch.

Victoria Coren Mitchell hosts as a trio of orienteers takes on three old-fashioned romantics in the general knowledge quiz Only Connect - 8:30 BBC2. The contestants must use patience, lateral thinking and sheer inspiration to make connections between four things that may appear at first not to be linked, with one set of clues consisting of Messiah, Apocalypse, The Heist and Russian Roulette. The answer to which, in case you're wondering, is that they were all the names of Dazzling Derren Brown specials on Channel Four. I thank you. The winning team goes straight through to the next stage of the competition, while the losers will come back for a second chance.

Gotham - 9:00 Channel Five - is a crime thriller based on the early years of the characters from the Batman comics and centres on brave young detective James Gordon. Eager to prove himself the one decent cop in a department that is corrupt and rotten to the core, Jim is partnered with brash, probably on-the-take veteran Harvey Bullock and, on their first day working together, the pair get lumbered with Gotham City's most high profile case - the murder of billionaire couple Thomas and Martha Wayne. Gordon meets the sole survivor at the scene of the crime - the Waynes' twelve-year-old son, Bruce. Moved by the boy's loss, the rookie detective vows to catch the killer. While navigating the shady world of Gotham's criminal justice system, Gordon crosses paths with gang boss Fish Mooney, mob kingpin Carmine Falcone and a whole bunch of characters who will eventually become iconic comic-book villains including a teenage Selina Kyle (who will grow up to be Catwoman), pending Penguin Oswald Cobblepot and the future Riddler, Edward Nygma. With Ben McKenzie, Donal Logue, Sean Pertwee (who is properly terrific as Alfred) and David Mazouz. The first three episodes (all yer actual Keith Telly Topping has seen so far) are quietly impressive - sort of Tim Burton's Goodfellas if you like. It's made by Bruno Heller, the guy who did Rome and The Mentalist so, it's got some pedigree. One worth sticking with, this, I'd suggest.

Tuesday 14 October
Crass, odious full-of-his-own-importance bully Alan Sugar-Sweetie begins his tenth search for new business blood and the fourth since he changed the format from a multi-week job interview to the search for a partner in the start of a new series of The Apprentice - 9:00 BBC1. Lord Sugar-Sweetie who, as the boss of Amstad made the ninth best hi-fi system on the market and the second best satellite system on the market (when there were only two satellite systems on the market) and also owned Stottingtot Hotshots (when they were rubbish) is offering the hopefuls a two hundred and fifty thousand smackers investment in a new start-up company. As usual, the millionaire host sets out his stall with his introductory pep talk, after which the entrepreneurs are divided into teams and it's straight on with the first task - selling the past decade's worth of Apprentice goods in just one day. All the previous selling challenges' merchandise has been combined, and the teams - boys versus girls, of course - must think outside the box to increase their margins. As in previous series, Nick Hewer and Karren Brady are Lord Sugar-Sweetie's 'eyes and ears', but the real fun comes in the boardroom, as the challenge is picked apart and the excuses come thick and fast, before the fired candidate - abused and humiliated on telly in front of millions of viewers - takes a taxi ride home. Continues tomorrow. The Apprentice: You're Fired follows on BBC2.
In episode two of Human Universe - 9:00 BBC2 - yer actual Professor Brian Cox (no, the other one) is off to India, where he assesses arguably the first evidence of rational thought in literature - the poetry of the Vedic monks. They pondered mankind's origins, realising there must have been a day with no yesterday - a day of creation - prompting the age-old question of where did the universe actually come from? Foxy Coxy his very self marvels that we live in a universe which seems to follow set rules - the laws of physics. Rules which have allowed us to consider space on the grandest scale, travelling to the most distant, farthest reaches of the cosmos just by using our minds. And, you know, the Hubble Telescope and a few Saturn Five rockets. Brian also visits Japan, and offers viewers the idea that we live in just one of an infinite number of universes that are being made all the time.

Owen Linder tells Nick and Greg that he managed to escape from an assailant who abducted him and then cut a chunk of flesh out of his leg to eat in CSI - 9:00 Channel Five. Presumably, it tastes like chicken. Doc Robbins then alerts Eussell's team that a severed arm found at a tip bears similar incisions to those found on Linder and he has identified specks of salt and sage around the wounds - and the CSIs' investigation leads them to an online community whose members are sexually aroused by the idea of being eaten or devouring another person. Well, don't we all? Meanwhile, Conrad Ecklie ponders whether he should run for sheriff again.

A television crew begins filming the treatment of patients at the clinic, but Masters worries he is not the right person to be featured in the production in Masters of Sex - 10:00 Mor4. Elsewhere, Johnson is troubled by George asking to take their children on an extended trip with his new wife, and Libby finds in Robert the appreciation that her husband has failed to give her. Starring Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan.
Wednesday 15 October
She may be confident at work, but when it comes to relationships, Rachel Bailey is a disaster in Scott & Bailey - 9:00 ITV. She can't get Gill's remarks about her fling with Will out of her head, so ducks out of attending an awards ceremony with him, fearing their colleagues will believe she's sleeping her way to the top. He finally decides that dating her is too much like hard work and so announces they are no longer an item - a move that leaves Rachel gutted and regretting her behaviour. Janet isn't happy either - it's clear her daughter Elise is about to have her heart broken by Eleanor's son Ade. The duo are soon distracted from their woes by a new case involving the murder of a landlord and his wife who were shot at close range in their pub.

In the fading days of the pharaohs, Heracleion was the gateway to Egypt and a port beyond compare, but around twelve hundred years ago a mysterious subsidence led to it being consumed by Mediterranean as we find out in Swallowed by the Sea: Ancient Egypt's Greatest Lost City - 9:00 BBC2. In 2000, archaeologists discovered the city's pristinely preserved remains six kilometres off the Egyptian coast and only ten metres underwater. This documentary follows a team investigating the site, trying to find what caused this sacred city to plunge into the sea and why its inhabitants deliberately sank nearly seventy ancient warships. Presented by Lucy Blue.

The latest Storyville film is The Hunt For The Higgs Boson - 9:00 BBC4 - which follows six scientists during the launch of the Large Hadron Collider, marking the start-up of the biggest and most expensive experiment in history. Experts from more than one hundred countries joined forces in pursuit of a single goal - to recreate conditions that existed just moments after the Big Bang and find the Higgs Boson, potentially explaining the origin of all matter. Or, as Mad Frankie Boyle calls it 'The Black Hole Machine'. Whichever. Filmed over seven years, this documentary is a celebration of discovery and reveals the human stories behind an epic machine, providing an insight into a significant and inspiring scientific breakthrough as it happens.

Captivated: The Trials of Pamela Smart - 9:00 Sky Atlantic - is a documentary exploring the impact of America's first televised court case. In 1991, twenty three year old Pamela Smart stood trial for persuading her teenage lover and his friends to extremely murder her husband. She was later convicted of being an accomplice to first-degree murder, conspiracy to commit murder and witness tampering and is currently serving a life sentence. The film re-examines the details of the case, charting its influence on American culture over the past twenty years and how the unprecedented media attention may have influenced the outcome.

Thursday 16 October
As Peaky Blinders, Birmingham's answer to Boardwalk Empire, continues - 9:00 BBC2 - Tommy (Cillian Murphy) has recovered from his near fatal beating and comes up with a plan to take control of the southern racecourses. He also sees an opportunity to move up in the world, and has his head turned by the aristocratic May Carleton (Charlotte Riley). However, there are nefarious deeds afoot for the charismatic anti-hero when London gangster Darby Sabini (Noah Taylor) and Major Campbell (Sam Neill) plan his downfall. Helen McCrory and Tom Hardy also feature in the stylish period drama from Oscar and BAFTA-nominated writer Steven Knight, the brains behind Dirty Pretty Things, Eastern Promises and Hardy's recent movie, Locke.

The Great Fire - 9:00 ITV - is a drama detailing the stories of the people of London during the Great Fire of 1666. Widower and single father Thomas Farriner is The King's Baker, currently providing the Navy with bread and biscuits from his Pudding Lane bakery. His sister-in-law Sarah often helps out at the shop - a distraction from the fact her wayward husband (who is Thomas's brother) has been missing at sea for months now. Thomas is dismayed to learn from Navy official Samuel Pepys that it's unlikely he'll be paid for his latest job, owing to the expense of the war against the Dutch. However, he instead sends the baker away with a letter that could be the key to Sarah's closure. Meanwhile, in the Palace of Whitehall, King Charles attends a stately dance, where an attempt on his life is foiled. Later, Thomas returns to find the bakery ablaze, with his two daughters asleep upstairs. Starring Andrew Buchan, Rose Leslie and Jack Huston.

Chris Lintott and Maggie Aderin-Pocock turn their telescopes to the mysterious Uranus and Neptune, focusing particularly on their powerful winds and exotic atmospheres in the latest The Sky At Night - 7:30 BBC4. Plus, award-winning astro-photographer Damian Peach shares his tips for capturing the two planets in the night sky.

The Knick - 9:00 Sky Atlantic - is a much-trailed US medical drama set in 1900 following the professional and personal lives of the staff of New York's Knickerbocker Hospital. Doctor John Thackery has just been appointed chief of surgery and aspires to achieve the seemingly impossible in the operating theatre, despite a worsening addiction to cocaine and opium, while he is also reluctant to take on black doctor Algernon Edwards as his assistant at the request of benefactor Cornelia Robertson. Directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring Clive Owen, Juliet Rylance and Andre Holland.
Club president Terry wants to help Andy and Lance search a paddock at Bishop's Farm, only because he is convinced that is where Larry Bishop has buried his missing wife in Detectorists - 10:00 BBC4. Meanwhile, Lance tries to get his ex-partner to see him perform at a local pub's folk music night. Comedy, starring Mackenzie Crook and Toby Jones.

Friday 17 October
Friday night is, of course, comedy night on the BBC so we've got Would I Lie To You?- 8:30 BBC1 - and an episode without regular team captain Lee Mack (he must've been off recording Not Going Out that night, presumably). Greg Davies is taking his place as guest captain and joining him and David Mitchell are choir leader Gareth Malone, Sherlock actress Amanda Abbington, comedian and Never Mind The Buzzcocks panellist Phill Jupitus and Pointless co-host Richard Osman. At 9pm there's the latest Have I Got News For You. Frank Skinner started the week on BBC1, guest starring in his beloved Doctor Who on Saturday - now he ends it hosting the long-running news quiz. The guest panellists are comedienne Sara Pascoe and BBC political editor Nick Robinson, while Ian Hislop and Paul Merton make up the numbers, poking fun at the stories of the past seven days or so. And, speaking of Not Going Out, the sitcom returns for a new series at 9:30. Lee Mack's not having much luck with lights these days, whether it's the fizzling sign at the start of this show, the blackout during his recent Sheffield gig, or the dimly lit area at the start of this seventh series. Lee and Lucy have enjoyed a spot of yer actual culture at their local cinema, but the sparkle of a French movie is soon diminished when the romantic walk home finds them in an imposing underpass. Lucy has her handbag stolen by a bunch of cocky youths from under Lee's nose. Given the fact that he failed to protect her, or come up with an accurate description of their muggers to the police, Lee feels the urge to prove his manliness to his flatmate, but will a spell at the local boxing ring be a help or a hindrance? Sally Bretton and Katy Wix also star. And finally there's Qi - 10:00 BBC2 - with a range of fiendish questions about Literature and Language. Stand-up comedian Lloyd Langford makes his debut appearance on the programme, joining worthless, unfunny lanky streak of piss Jack Whitehall, Only Connect host the divine Victoria Coren Mitchell and regular panellist Alan Davies.

Most people, when they retire, look forward to having more time to themselves to enjoy all the things they never had time to do when they were working. But not Robbie Lewis. When this series of Lewis - 9:00 ITV - returned for a new run, he was a man lost and, despite his attempts to build a wooden canoe, was feeling rudderless. So, he jumped at the chance to take up Jean Innocent's offer to return to the police force, albeit in a temporary capacity. He and James Hathaway are working together again, but with the younger man in charge of a case involving the murder of a neurosurgeon. Sadly, when this episode gets under way, Hathaway's theory about whodunnit falls apart - his prime suspect is found murdered. But is he a big enough man to accept some advice from his former mentor?
Liz, Ressler and Samar investigate the black market trade in human organs run by a deranged doctor, following the discovery of a man with his heart cut out in the latest episode of The Blacklist - 9:00 Sky Living. Meanwhile, Red pursues a lucrative opportunity in Indonesia, but his trip takes a dramatic detour.
Anarchy in Manchester - 10:30 Sky Arts 1 - features another classic selection of highlights from Tony Wilson's groundbreaking 1970s Granada TV music show So It Goes, with performances by Elvis Costello & The Attractions, Magazine and Siouxsie & The Banshees.

And, so to the news: Dallas, the remake of the classic 1980s US TV soap opera, has been extremely cancelled after three seasons by cable and satellite network TNT. The network said, rather bluntly: 'TNT has decided not to renew Dallas', adding that it had 'defied expectations by standing as a worthy continuation of the Ewing saga.' TNT thanked 'everyone involved in the show' and the people of Dallas 'for their warm and generous hospitality.' The series followed the fortunes of Texan oil family the Ewings. It was shown on TNT in the US and on Channel Five in the UK. The original Dallas aired from 1978 to 1991 and centred on a long and bitter rivalry between brothers JR Ewing, played by Larry Hagman, and Bobby Ewing, played by Patrick Duffy. It began as a mini-series in 1978 and went on to become one of the most-watched television shows around the world for thirteen years. The three hundred and fifty six episodes were seen by an estimated three hundred million people in fifty seven countries. The new version followed the power struggles within two feuding Texan oil and cattle-ranching families, focusing on John Ross Ewing and Christopher Ewing as they clashed over the future of the family dynasty. 90210 star Josh Henderson, who appeared as a child in the original series, played John Ross, the son of JR, while Desperate Housewives's Jesse Metcalfe was Christopher, the son of Bobby Ewing. Original cast members Hagman, Duffy and Linda Gray also returned to Southfork. In November 2012 Hagman died at the age of eighty one from cancer and cirrhosis of the liver. The series was rewritten to reflect this, incorporating his death into the storyline.

Ofcom has resolved complaints which arose from Sky News' coverage of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 crash, which saw journalist Colin Brazier look through a dead passenger's luggage. Sky's rolling news channel aired a live report from the crash site in Eastern Ukraine on 20 July. The plane had crashed three days previously, killing all two hundred and ninety eight people on board. Ofcom received two hundred and five complaints from viewers after Brazier was seen picking up items from a suitcase which had belonged to a passenger. Whilst handling the items, he said: 'Here are, I think it's a small girl's bag by the look of things; a set of keys, toothbrush.' However, he immediately returned the items to the case, saying: 'We shouldn't really be doing this, I suppose really.' Not shit, Sherlock. Ofcom ruled that the content 'may' violate rule 2.3 of their regulations, which states that material which 'may cause offence', such as 'violation of human dignity', must be 'appropriately justified' by its context. Sky responded that it 'fell short of the high standards' to which the network claims it aspires on this particular occasion, and that it would 'revise' its guidelines for journalists in order to 'make them more aware' of the regulations of reporting on sensitive issues. They also pointed out that Brazier had immediately recognised his shocking lapse in judgement and apologised for it live on-air, as well as later releasing a written statement of grovelling apology. Ofcom ruled that Brazier's actions had 'the potential' to cause offence and that this was 'not mitigated' by his immediate apology. They further ruled that the offence was 'not justified' by the context and that rule 2.3 had been breached. They did take into account Brazier's written apologies and the fact that Sky has revised its guidelines in the wake of the event. They also considered that Brazier had been reporting from 'an emotionally charged situation', which presented 'the need for immediate and difficult decisions.'
A sixty three-year-old woman who was accused of targeting Internet abuse at the family of Madeleine McCann has been found dead in a hotel. Brenda Leyland, from Burton Overy in Leicestershire, was accused of being one of the so-called 'trolls' directing abusive messages at the McCanns. Her body was found days after she was doorstepped outside her home by a Sky News reporter. Madeleine McCann, just in case oyu've been living in a cave for the last decade, disappeared whilst on a holiday in Portugal in 2007. Leyland was confronted by the reporter - Martin Brunt - who put to her that she had posted messages attacking the family on Twitter via the handle Sweepy Face. She replied: 'I'm entitled to do that.' A spokesman for Leicestershire Police said: 'Police were called at 13:42 on Saturday 4 October to reports of a body of a woman in a hotel room in Smith Way, Grove Park [in Leicester]. Officers have attended the scene and a file is being prepared for the coroner. The death is not being treated as suspicious.' Sky issued a statement saying: 'We were saddened to hear of the death of Brenda Leyland. It would be inappropriate to speculate or comment further at this time.' Brunt – who has himself become the subject of online abuse - is said, by the Gruniad Morning Star if not anyone more credible, to be 'upset' by Leyland’s death but has not yet made any comment. A Facebook campaign has been set up calling for Brunt to be sacked over the issue. At the time of writing in had just over eighteen hundred members.

The BBC has defended EastEnders recent rape storyline after two hundred and seventy eight complaints were made following Monday's episode. The episode showed the before and aftermath of a rape inflicted on pub landlady Linda Carter by Dean Wicks. It was watched by a peak audience of 7.3m viewers and an average of seven million, according to overnight figures. In a statement, the BBC said: 'At no point have there been any scenes of a graphic nature, in fact the attack on Linda was implied and not explicit. We have been extremely mindful of the content within the episode and the timeslot in which it was shown.' The BBC added: 'EastEnders has a rich history of tackling difficult issues and Linda's story is one of these. We have worked closely with Rape Crisis and other experts in the field to tell this story which we hope will raise awareness of sexual assaults and the issues surrounding them. We have also taken great care to signpost this storyline prior to transmission, through on-air continuity and publicity as well as providing an action line at the end of the episode which offers advice and support to those affected by the issue.'

Programmes will now be available on BBC iPlayer for thirty days. This means that viewers can catch up on BBC programming for a month after original air dates, instead of the previous seven days. Tony Hall, Director General at the BBC, said: 'BBC iPlayer pioneered online viewing. It is recognised as not just the first, but the best service of its type in the world. It offers amazing value. But we want to go further. That's why we began reinventing iPlayer earlier this year with a brand new redesign and features. Extending the catch-up window to thirty days now makes the best value on-demand service even better. We have a fantastic autumn schedule and the public will now have more opportunities to watch the shows they love.' The change comes in time for the BBC's autumn schedule of programming, which includes Doctor Who, Peaky Blinders and The Fall, as well as radio shows including The Archers and Just A Minute. Programmes that are already available for more than seven days will remain unaffected by the change, as will the BBC Radio podcast services. The BBC also unveiled the Top Twenty most-requested programmes on the iPlayer from January to August, with Sherlock's third series opener The Empty Hearse with 3.6 million requests. The Top Five was rounded out by three episodes of Top Gear, including part one of the Burma Special' and Murdered By My Boyfriend. Earlier this year, the BBC Trust announced that it had approved plans to introduce the thirty-day catch-up window, which was expected to launch in the summer.

And now ...
After recent events involving allegedly uneven bridges, unbroadcast nursery rhymes and registration plates in Argentina, the Top Gear team is, understandably, picking its jokes more carefully than usual. But even they, one imagines, could not have foreseen the rank and glorious unhappiness they would cause one complete and total plank, sorry, viewer over Jezza Clarkson referring to the Nissan Qashqais as the Nissan Kumquat. One viewer, it would seem, whinged to the BBC in February about Clarkson's choice of words in an episode shown that month. According to an appeal made to the BBC Trust, the complainant, said that 'Jeremy Clarkson was "pronouncing Nissan Qashqai as Nissan Kumquat and [he] would like to know why."' The whinger in question said that he had a car of this type himself - which explains much - and no one on the programme had explained why they were not saying the name correctly. And, let us once again simply marvel at the complete and utter crap that some people chose to care about. BBC Audience Services responded a few days later, explaining - one imagines slowly and, possibly with the use of graphs - that Kumquat was 'a nickname' that Jeremy had given the car and had referred to the 'Nissan Kumquat' for quite a few series of the BBC's popular motoring show without anybody mentioning it. The whinger in question was, seemingly, somewhat unhappy with this response saying that 'his question as to why the car was given the nickname "Kumquat" had not been answered.' The BBC, by this time one suspects, getting thoroughly narked, further explained, in a letter this time, that: 'It is simply a nickname for the vehicle, a play on words. Obviously the two words share a phonetic syllable similarity thus like Jeremy does with literally countless car names, he jokingly substituted one with the other, the kumquat of course being an exotic fruit.' In April, after two months of what the BBC described, far more politely than this blogger could have managed, as 'a high number and length of calls' made to the corporation by this joker, he then appealed to the BBC Trust. Who, of course, have nothing better to do with their time and energy than deal with trivial and banal shite the likes of this. In its September appeals round-up the Trust went into five pages of detail about the case (see from page thirty eight onwards if you want a right good laugh), concluding that it had decided not to put it to appeal as: 'Decisions relating to the use of a wordplay in how to describe a car, or which presenter should work on a programme were editorial and creative matters that rested with the BBC.' It also noted that at all stages of this procedure, a complaint may not be investigated if it: a) fails to raise an issue of breach of the Editorial Guidelines or, b) is trivial, misconceived, hypothetical, repetitious or otherwise vexatious. Sadly, they did not name the individual concerned or tell him to stop wasting their time on such nonsense. They, presumably, didn't do that because they are far too polite to do so. But, as previously noted, I'm not. After dealing with such a tortuous, pointless and almost certainly agenda-soaked complaint, one imagines that being stoned by locals in Argentina - allegedly - must have seemed a welcome break for Jezza, Richard and Captain Slowly.
Morrissey has told a Spanish newspaper he has had treatment to remove 'cancerous tissues.' The ex-Smiths frontman has battled bouts of ill health in recent years but revealed that the cancer treatment during an interview with El Mundo. 'They have scraped cancerous tissues four times already, but whatever,' he said. 'If I die, then I die. And if I don't, then I don't. Right now I feel good.' The singer played in Lisbon on Monday. He is at the start of a European tour that is due to end in Greece in December.

Geoffrey Holder, the TONY-winning actor, dancer and choreographer known to millions as Baron Samedi in the James Bond movie Live and Let Die, has died at eight four. Born in Port of Spain in Trinidad, Holder was also a composer, a designer and a celebrated painter. He will be best remembered to many as the cackling voodoo villain who dogged Roger Moore's footsteps in his first outing as 007. Holder's other films included 1982 musical Annie, in which he played Punjab. Often cast in exotic roles, he played a tribal chieftain in 1967 film Doctor Dolittle and a sorcerer in Woody Allen's Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). More recently, his distinctive bass voice was heard narrating Tim Burton's 2005 film version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Holder, one of four children, was taught to dance by his older brother Boscoe, joining his dance company at the age of seven. He became director of the company in the late 1940s after Boscoe relocated to London, before moving to the US in 1954. Holder made his Broadway debut that same year in House of Flowers, a Caribbean-themed musical in which he first played a character based on Baron Samedi. A top-hatted spirit of death in Haitian voodoo culture, the character made full use of the actor's imposing physique and physical dexterity. He won two TONY Awards for best costume design and musical direction in the original Broadway production of The Wiz, an all-black version of The Wizard of Oz. He also appeared in an all-black version of Waiting for Godot. According to a family spokesman, he died on Sunday in New York from complications caused by pneumonia, He is survived by his wife, Carmen de Lavallade, and their son Leo.

For the latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's Macca.